Girls with body issues.

Characters:

● Clary

● Beth

● Tina

● Ariel

● A man
 [Lights on.]

[Clary enters her apartment to find a man waiting for her inside.]

Clary: Oh I’m sorry I must have the wrong apartment.

[Clary exits the apartment to re-enter a second later]

Clary: Hey, wait a minute I live here. Excuse me. Who are you?

A man: You must be wondering why I'm here, Clary Cruz.

Clary: Well, I did just ask and now that you just said my full name creepily like that, I’m not

really wondering more like terrified.

A man: As you should be.

Clary: Okay. I don’t mean to be rude here, but again, who you?

A man: This will make that abundantly clear.

[The man hands Clary an envelope.]

Clary: Oh my goodness.

A man: Yes. I know quiet shocking. I was shocked too when I found out.

Clary: How did you find this?

A man: It took some digging, but I have my ways.

Clary: What do you want?

A man: Simple, really. You’re the daughter of one of the most powerful people in the

Philippines and I need something from you. So, you do whatever I say and I won’t tell your

parents about you---.

Clary: This is blackmail.

A man: Aren't you smart.

Clary: Oh my gosh.

A man: As you can see you have no other options.

Clary: I can think of one.

[Clary throws her bag at the man and runs for the window.

The man tries to stop her and a fight ensues.]

[Clary has gotten away but the man tries to grab her again.]

[Clary grabs a very heavy ornate bust and throws the bust at the man's head and the man

drops unconscious with blood spilling everywhere.]

Clary: Uh-oh.

Clary: What should I do? I know! Tell someone immediately!

[Clary calls her best friend, Beth.]

[The phone is ringing.]

Beth: Hello?

Clary: Beth, hi, it's me your best friend Clary? You know the one you said you would never

ever abandon ever.

Beth: Clary. I vaguely recall someone named Clary.

Clary: BETH!

Beth: Kidding! What's up?

Clary: Are you busy? Can you come over? Like right now?

Beth: Okay.
Clary: Great! Thank you so m---

Beth: Wait. Why?

Clary: I just need your help with something. Something… um, personal...

Beth: Okay. Like what?

Clary: Just a little mess.

Beth: Ah.

Clary: greaa-!

Beth: What kind of mess?

Clary: Um… just you know to clean up…. Blood. Everywhere.

Beth: Dude! Why didn’t you just say you had your period? Seriously, no shame in saying

menstruation.

Clary: Well--

Beth: Come one say it with me. Mens-tray-tion. Say it with me.

Clary and Beth: Menstruation.

Beth: See? No shame. It’s natural and you shouldn’t be asha---

Clary: Can you just please come over?

Beth: Dude, chill. How much blood could there be?

Clary: Um, lots.

Beth: Fine, I’ll be right there.

Clary: Bye!

[Beth comes into the apartment. Beth sees the dead body.]

Clary: That was quick.

Beth: Clary, what the hell.

Clary: Surprise?
Beth: OH MY GOD?

Clary: Okay. So this is a dead body. Dead body Beth, Beth dead body. He broke into my

apartment and he was blackmailing me and then I panicked and tried to jump out the window

and then this happened.

Beth: First of all, you killed him?????

Clary: Yes?

Beth: Second of all, why would someone blackmail you? What do they want with a mild

mannered religious catholic school teacher who is also the daughter of one of the most

powerful and conservative people in the country and will probably disown you at even the

slightest sign of scandal that could tarnish the family name?

[A pause]

Beth: Ooh. Yeah. Okay. I see. I get it now. Wow, it really is always the mild mannered ones.

Yikes.

Clary: What is that supposed to mean?!

Beth: You know in crime dramas it’s always the person you least expect. [gasps]

Clary: What?!

Beth: This is like real life crime drama! HOLY SHIT! I’ve always wanted to be in a crime

drama! More on a TV show, but the real deal is good too. There is more blood than I would

have expected though.

Clary: This is not a crime drama!

Beth: Don’t ruin the dream.

Clary: Beth, what do you think we should do?

Beth: According to my extensive knowledge of murder series we should definitely bury the

body. Or call a badass lawyer who is beautiful, but also smart. She has a sharp tongue,
good fashion sense, and a secret past. She’s a knockout attorney whose mean but get the

job done, but all that changes when her secret past comes back to haunt her.

Clary: Are you done?

Beth: Pretty much. Yeah. So, anyway we either bury the body or call the cops.

Clary: If we call the police I could go to jail!

Beth: Didn’t he break into your apartment? You could say self-defense.

Clary: But then they would ask about the blackmail.

Beth: What is he blackmailing you with? You missed Sunday mass once? You pray too

hard? Oh! I got it, you dated a non-catholic!

Clary: I did not!

Beth: Then what?

Clary: Trust me when I say that it’s bad and he wouldn’t be using it against me if it wasn’t.

Beth: It’s settled we are going to hide the body. I’ve always wanted to hide a body.

Clary: Can you not try to sound too excited by this?

Beth: I like the feeling of being a criminal.

Clary: We can’t bury the body. I don't want to be a criminal!

Beth: You're already a criminal!

Clary: Point. But, I don’t want to just bury the body.

Beth: I have an idea since you’re still undecided.

[Beth takes out her phone.]

Clary: Who are you calling?

Beth: Not the police chill. I ain't no snitch. I’ve seen what happens to snitches.

Clary: What happens to snitches?

Beth: They get stitches.

Tina: Hello?

Beth: Dude, Tina, come over Clary's we need your help with something.

Tina: I'm busy.

[Beth and Tina laugh]

Beth: Good one.

Tina: I know right? I don't have a life. Be there in a jiff.

[Tina enters. Tina sees the body. Tina leaves immediately. Tina enters again. Tina looks at

the body. Tina leaves again. Tine enters one more time.]

Tina: All right. Just want to make sure I was seeing it right.

Tina: [to Clary and Beth] WHAT THE HELL GUYS?!

Clary: How did you get here so fast?

Tina: Someone explain. Now.

Beth: Long story short Clary killed a guy.

Tina: Damn it, Clary.

Clary: I'm sorry!

Tina: Why do I feel like this is Beth’s fault.

Beth: Me?!

Tina: Yeah.

Beth: Fair.

Tina: [sighs] Well. What are we going to do?

Beth: We were hoping you'd have an idea.

Tina: You call me for a murder and expect me to have an idea?

Clary: Yup.

Beth: Pretty much.

Clary: Do you?

Tina: Wait. [she thinks for a moment] Well, not right now I don’t!

Beth: You’re supposed to be the smart one!

Tina: And Clary is supposed to be the innocent one and look at her now!

[Everyone looks at the body then at Clary.]

Clary: Fair.

Clary: So, we’re three intelligent ladies we should be able to think of what to do when you kill

someone.

Tina: I say we call the police.

Beth: And tell them what?

Tina: Tell them that Clary murdered someone!

Clary: But then I’ll go to jail. Oh, god. I won’t last long in jail.

Beth: She’s too pure! She's going to says something stupid and she's gonna get shanked!

Clary: I will totally get shanked!

Beth: She will totally get shanked!

Clary: I don’t wanna get shanked!

Tina: Then what do you suppose we do?

Beth: My idea still stands. [makes digging motions]

Tina: This is not one of your crime dramas.

Beth: Oh come on! We should hide the body!!!! It’ll be a fun bonding experience for best

friends! You know what they say! Those who hide murders together stay together!

Tina: That’s not a saying and that would make things twice as bad!
Beth: Do you have any ideas how we can call the police and not go to jail?

Tina: We will not bury the body!

Clary: Guys---!

[phone rings everyone jumps]

Ariel: Hey, Clare bear. I'm super sad right now. I need to talk to someone can I come over?

Clary: Now is not really a good time.

Ariel: OMG you are SUCH a friend! I'll be there in a sec OMG Clary I love you so much!

Clary: What? Ariel? No? Ariel? Hello? NOoooooOOOoooOOoo.

Beth: Was that Ariel?

[Clary nods]

Tina: Is she coming here?

[Clary nods]

Beth: Fuck.

Tina: Shit.

[Ariel busts into the apartment]

Ariel: I'm Heeeeeerreeee-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Beth covers Ariel's mouth.]

Beth: Holy shit shut the fuck up.

Clary: How do you people get here so fast?

Ariel: There's a bloody body on the ground.

All of them: Yes.

Ariel: did one of you [pantomimes murder] him?

Clary: I did.

Ariel: Gasp! Oh my god, Clary that’s so hardcore! Who knew you had it in you! Holy shit!

Why did you kill him? Wait. If you killed him what the fuck are these guys doing here? Are

you guys hanging out without me?! I can’t believe this! This is like my worst nightmare come

true! Why would you guys do this to me? You're like my best friends! And I only have like 2

friends.

[Clary and Tina and Beth look at one another quickly confused.]

Ariel: This is like the worst day ever! First, they mess up my Starbucks order and now I find

out my friends murdered someone without even telling me! I mean I know I’m a little too

much, but I thought I was a vital member of the group you guys! This is like the worst thing

you can do to a person and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m so hurt right now.

Clary: I murdered someone and you're making this about you?

Ariel: Of course I'm making this about me! Have you MET me?!

Beth: Jesus Ariel. We didn't call you because we know you'd overreact.

Ariel: I think I'm reacting perfectly fine with the current situation!

Tina: We're sorry okay.

Ariel: Not okay!

Clary: Ugh.
Ariel: I can't believe you didn't call me for a murder.

Tina: We didn't think you were right for the situation.

Ariel: I'm right for every situation!

Clary: Clearly!

Ariel: Clearly!

Beth: Well, you're here now.

Ariel: That’s not the point!

Beth: Can you just help?

Ariel: I’m going to--- Hey wait a minute.

Tina: What?

Ariel: [to Beth] Oh my god, Beth!

Beth: What?

Ariel: The guy Clary just brutally murdered looks exactly like Frank from How To Get Away

with Murder!!!

Beth: Wha--- Holy FUCK you’re right!!!

Ariel and Beth: [squealing] Oh my God!!!

Beth: This is just like that episode in season 2 where--

Ariel: Stop! No spoilers! I’m still in season one!

Beth: You’re still in season one? Howwww?

Clary: Guys! I think we're forgetting the issue here!

Beth: Sorry.

Ariel: Oh right. Dead body. Well [to Clary] what have you decided to do?

Clary: I haven’t yet.

Ariel: As I see it you have three options. Option #1 We bury the body.

Beth: Yes!
Tina: Don’t look so excited.

Beth: I can’t help it.

Ariel: We would need some really good alibis so if the body gets found we have back

stories. We need good burying places that are in random order so they can’t find a pattern,

shovels for digging, bleach for getting any blood and fingerprints out of stuff, axes for

chopping the body up, plastic bags for cleanup, and snacks.

Tina: Snacks?

Ariel: For when we get peckish after digging a holes in the ground and putting the chopped

up body pieces in them.

Tina: Ah. How do you know so much about hiding bodies?

Ariel: I have a vast knowledge of different fields and I'm great at thinking under pressure. It's

on my resume.

Tina: You scare me, sometimes.

Ariel: I know.

Tina: What’s option two?

Ariel: Option #2 We frame someone else. We say that when we were all, and I mean all

FOUR of us, were hanging out and decided to come back here and we see a bloody dude

on the floor. Pros on that one is I get to show off my amazing acting skills. ‘Uh! No, officer! I

have never that man before in my life!’

Tina: I don’t think that’s going to work.

Ariel: We say he does drugs!

Tina: What?

Ariel: Yeah, we can just plant some drugs on him and boom you're a hero who kills drug

addicts. Very on trend. You won't even have a trial.

Tina: Where do we get drugs?

Ariel: I know a guy.

Clary: We are not going to make me out as someone who kills people who deal with drugs!

That’s wrong! Extrajudicial killing is wrong!!!

Tina: Well, you already murdered someone. That is also wrong.

Clary: Two wrongs don’t make a right!

Beth: Neither does one wrong so.

Clary: What side are you on?

Beth: At this point I’m just in it for the experience.

Clary: What’s Option #3?

Ariel: We call the police. We say what happened and explain and we pray that you get off

easy.

Clary: The right thing to do is call the police.

[silence]

Clary: Okay. I’m going to call the police and explain what happened.

Ariel: What did happen anyway?

Tina: Yeah what happened?

Beth: You said he's blackmailing you, but what about?

Ariel: Wait, someone was blackmailing you? But you’re so boring what would they blackmail

you with?

Tina: Hate to agree with Ariel, but yeah.

Ariel: What is that supposed to mean, Tina?

Tina: Nothing.

[Ariel sideways Tina]

Clary: I did something very bad.

Beth: Dude, we’re your friends.

Tina: Whatever bad you’re thinking of we’d still love you.

Ariel: If a murder can’t make us change the way we see you then what makes you think

whatever blackmail that guy has on you will?

Tina: Yeah, I mean we’re here for your murder what could be worse?

[Clary hands them the envelope.]

Beth: It’s medical records?

Tina: From the US?

Ariel: What is this? It says you had abortion.

Beth, Tina, Ariel: Oh.

Tina: Not to sound like Ariel, but why didn’t you tell us?

Beth: We could’ve been there for you.

Ariel: We’re here for you now.

Clary: You guys don’t understand! I had premarital sex and I got pregnant out of wedlock

and then I got an abortion! That’s three of the most unforgivable sins! If you could hear what

my parents would say when they heard about single mothers! If you guys just knew what

happened to my sister! I’m a sham of a Catholic and I’m just a disgrace is what I am.

Beth: You have a sister?

Clary: My parents found out she was a lesbian and kicked her out. Now, they act like they

never had another daughter, they act like I never had a sister..

Beth: We will be here for you.

Clary: How can you guys say that like I just didn’t tell you that I’m a horrible person?

Ariel: Because you’re not.

Tina: Getting an abortion doesn’t make you a bad or having sex even. Although, murder is

kind of iffy.

Clary: How can you guys say that when you know what I’ve done.

Beth: Well, you called us in on your murder. An abortion really isn’t that big of a deal.

Clary: This was an accident! That wasn’t.

Ariel: You’re not a bad person.

Clary: How can you look at me the same after I just killed someone and had an abortion?!

Tina: Because you’re the same person.

Beth: Whatever self-hate thing you have going on. We don’t like it. You’re kind, you’re

faithful, you freaking help old ladies cross the street! You’re not supposed to be ashamed

about the choices you made that benefit all and burnden no one!

Clary: If my family finds out--

Tina: Then we’ll be your family. We’ll be with you through thick and thin. If your parents find

out and disown you and stop paying for your shit you can stay with one of us.

Beth: We have your back.

Ariel: Screw your gay hating, human right withdrawing, dogma loving parents. We’re your

moms now.

Clary: [in tears] you guys… Ariel:

Don’t cry! If you cry I’ll cry!

Beth: Oh no me too!

Tina: Come on guys! Group hug!

[Group Hug] [The

man moves]

Ariel: Holy shit!

Tina: What?
Ariel: I think the body moved!

Beth: The strength of our friendship revived the dead guy!!!

Tina: Clary, did you check if he was really dead?!

Clary: He was unconscious and there's a lot of blood I assumed!

Beth, Tina, Ariel: You assumed?????

Clary: Well...

Tina: Someone check the body.

Beth: Not me.

Ariel: You were so excited about a dead body before why not you?

Beth: Clary should do it!

Tina: Yeah you killed him you check if he's dead!

Clary: I don't wanna touch a dead body!

Ariel: How will you know he's dead if you don't check!

Beth: Wait!

Tina: What?!

Beth: I know how to solve this.

Ariel: What?!

[Beth sticks her hand out in front of her ma-iba taya style]

[The other join in]

Beth: One… Two… Three..

[Clary is the odd one out]

Clary: Why me?

Ariel: Just do it!!!!

Clary: Fine.

[Clary goes up to the body, but the body moves suddenly, everyone is screaming and Clary

freaks out and throws something at its head knocking it back down again.]

[A pause.]

Everyone except Clary: CLARY!

[Lights out]