eodmenpreect.com 5 Things Skilled Lovers Do Better - ‘Tomas . iter (October 22, 2014 by § Comments 'No, tis isnot about sex. I's You may be madly in love with your ‘about love. Everybody partner, but the intensity of your love loves. Everybody except may not translate info your partner psychopaths, who pretend. feeling loved by you. But you can Youden'tneedalove change that. license to go have a relationship. You just do it, ‘orithappens. But not everybody is good at love—or skied at loving, Sometimes, love gets stuck, Ike words caught inthe throat, and the feelings in our hearts don't conver into actions ‘embodying those feelings. Because while love is a magica, ‘mysterious emotion, is also a consistent, predictable way of acting ‘and someting you can lear to get better at with ime. As with any ator science, discipline or practice, there are amateurs and professionals, neophytes and masters. The measure of success is in impact, not intent. You may be macly in love with your partner, bt the intensity of your love may not translate into your partner feeling loved by you, But you can change that. You can ‘stop having that frustrated conversation that goes nowhere, the one that starts with your partner saying, Tim not hapay.” and yu responding, ‘But love you. Leading with but means you're already backpedaling Instead, you can lead with strength and start seeing the git of your love reciprocated and Increased as it fows joyously between you and your partner, Ittakes tons of practice, and megatons of humility (a character rat essential to mastery), to become a skilled lover, @ person who brings ut the bestin your partner and makes him or her keep coming back for more. There are many things sled lovers do better than those well call less skied, but the ones below are the big five. 0 4. killed lovers listen skied lovers take out the visible better. The only wayto earplugs and listen, meet a partner's needs isto bbe aware of them, and the only way to be aware ist listen. Most of us ak about what we ‘need al the time (though we may not dicecty ask frit), and if you learn tobe a keen listener, you will hear your partner's desires and be able to respond to them. Listening means tuning out your own Inner noise, not worrying about what you're going to say next, and {aking down the wall of cismissiveness that often precludes us from hearing and processing words, especially when those words have todo with us and our behavior. We've al seen kids plug their ears when parents ty to lecture or discipline, and we often do this Internally (without using our hands) when our partner expresses an unmet need oF takes us to task for something. Skiled lovers take ‘ut the invisible earplugs and listen, because they know that hearing isthe key to understanding “There ar few things hotter than being 2. Skilled lovers are more ‘able to count on someone, consistent. There are few things hotter than being able to count on Someone—to be somewhere, to act a certain way, even to Consistently surprise and delight us. Being consistent means setting ‘your ego aside, because your ego will you what you want to do Inthe moment. That impulse may be aligned with your best Interests and your partner's needs, butt also may not. Asking yourself, does this thing | am about to do serve the relationship or ‘bring you and your partner closer togethers @ healthy ciscipine and a great way to avoid serous relationship mistakes, Consistency is especially important during “siding door moments, those tines when your choices determine the fate of the relationship. Skiled lovers pause, reflect, and align their actions ith thir love fr their partner before moving forward 3. Skilled lovers are __Itcomes down tothe golden rue of more respectful, Respect. treating your partner the way you want Is-easyin theory but to be treated. ‘sometimes excruciatingly had in practice. Itcomes down tothe golden rule of trating your partner the way you want to bbe treated, It you lke to feel recognized, recognize your partner and dont ignore him. Ifyou keto feel valued, value your partner and don't demean he Ifyou lke to fee special, make your patner feel ‘special nstead of replaceable. Ifyou ike to be treated with respect, be respectful—of your partner's needs, requests, pet peeves, and liitations. Skilled lovers treat the small tings as big things, because everything counts when itcomes to love. Next: Sklled lovers focus beter. About Thomas 6. Fiffer ‘Thomas G. Fifer, Senior Editor, Ethics, a The Good Men Project, is ‘2 graduate of Yale University and holds an MA. in creative wring {rom the University of linos at Chicago. He is a professional writer, ‘Speaker, and storyteller witha focus on clagnosing and healing dysfunctional relationships. You can find out more about his. publications and services at Thomas G. Fifer, and connect wit him ‘0n Facebook and Twiter. His books, Why It Cant Work: Detaching From Dysfunctional Relationships to Make Room for True Love and What Is Love? A Guide forthe Perplexed to Matters of he Heart ‘are available on Amazon, He lives in Connecticut and is working on his frst nove.