The Devil We Know

by

Thaddeus Gannon
Dramatis Personae:
Ben, the oldest. Quiet, superstitious, the leader.
Hotdog, the youngest. Pretentious and obnoxious. Doubles as Booming Offstage Voice and Satan.
Annabelle, the middle child. Cantankerous and foulmouthed.
 Scene 1

Three teenagers in a dank basement.

Ben
(He sighs.) Another carefree summer day.

Annabelle
Another day stuck in this shithole of a basement. It's too damn hot to even go upstairs.

Hotdog
Another day in which we find ourselves trapped underground, stewing in our own juices. And
our woe.

Annabelle
Shut up, Hotdog, you're the one who never showers!

Hotdog
The water is always cold.

Annabelle
It's a hundred and fifteen degrees outside! A cold shower would do you some good.

Hotdog
I cannot abide a cold shower.

Annabelle
Right now it's getting pretty hard to abide you.

Ben
Children, children. Stop bickering. We have a problem to solve.

Annabelle
Children?! You're a year older than me!

Hotdog
Three years older than me, but I'm told I'm an old soul.

Ben
We have absolutely nothing to do today. It is the tenth of July. Since the tenth of June, we have
played two hundred and fifteen games of 20 questions, we have read the Harry Potter series six
times, and we have each made an abandoned attempt to learn an instrument, except for Hotdog
who became quite skilled but failed the moment he chose the bagpipes. We have had countless
arguments and one fistfight--

Hotdog
Hey! That was not a fistfight!
Annabelle
Only because you were too much of a pansy-ass water drinker to hit back!

Hotdog
I'm not a pansy, I'm a conscientious objector! And water is very good for you!

Ben
We're getting off topic! If we don't decide on an activity soon, we're doomed! Remember what
Mama always told us. Idle hands are the devil's playthings. I don't quite know what that means,
but as far as Beelzebub's concerned, I don't take chances.

Annabelle
Satan's not gonna show up just because we won't play another damn game of 20 Questions.

Hotdog
There's always Scrabble!

Ben and Annabelle both glare at him.

Hotdog
I see, I see. No respect for the classics around here.

Ben and Annabelle both glare at him.

Hotdog
Uhm.... I'll be right back. I must tinkle. Hopefully you'll have thought of an idea better than the
great game of Scrabble by the time I return.

Hotdog exits to tinkle.

Ben
He's been in there a lot lately.

Annabelle
Must be all the damn water he drinks.

Ben
Really, Annabelle, what is your problem with water?

Annabelle
You can see right through it. Never trust a beverage without something to hide.

Suddenly, a crashing sound.

Blackout except for a red or purple light coming from the exit to the basement.

Booming Offstage Voice

This is your Master speaking, worms! Bow to my might, or be vanquished!
Ben
Oh no, it's Satan!

Annabelle
No fucking way.

Booming Offstage Voice

You have failed to uphold the virtues your creator has asked of you, and now you must pay me
sacrifice! There are three of you, yes? Three little devil-children, wallowing in their sin. The
world is gracious to contain a single one of you, vile scum. You are lucky I am merciful. What I
require is this: beyond this door I have summoned a portal, leading to eternal damnation.
Choose among yourselves and deliver a soul to me. Two of you must agree on one other to
sacrifice. Only then will it be deemed fair. Choose, or be contained in this basement forever!

The lights return to normal.

Ben
We're doomed!

Annabelle
So we're picking Hotdog, right?

Hotdog enters.

Hotdog
What did you say about me? I can't even go for a tinkle without you two muttering insults
behind my back.

Ben
Y-you didn't hear the voice?

Hotdog
What voice? It's soundproofed in there, can't hear a thing.

Annabelle
Oh, it was Satan, actually.

Ben
The booming call of Hades himself.

Hotdog
I’m not falling for another one of your childish pranks.

Annabelle
No, really! It was the devil, for real this time!

Hotdog
The devil is an old-wives' tale meant to scare children into behaving.
Ben
You don't know how wrong you are.

Annabelle
Alright, well he came from that door over there, but we're too frightened to go take a look. If
you're so brave why don't you check it out yourself?

Hotdog
As you wish.

Hotdog moves to exit through the devil's door, but Ben stops him.

Ben
Stop! She's only playing tricks on you! There's a portal to hell out there. Leave and you'll die.

Hotdog
Hell? It could hardly be worse than this basement?

Ben
This is no time for joking around! We have to focus!

Hotdog
Focus on what? Nothing’s even changed! We never go upstairs anyway, because it's too damn
hot and Mother won't pay the air conditioning bill. She prefers her fine jewelry, extravagant
clothes and 20-piece Chicken McNugget meals to the well-being of her family! I say we march
our way upstairs and if we find the devil, we can call it an improvement!

Annabelle
I love it. You lead the way.

Hotdog
Maybe I will!

Ben
No! Hotdog, you don't understand!

Hotdog
Understand what?

Ben
Satan asked us for a sacrifice to cleanse us of our sin. One of us must march into the portal
alone, to do penance for the rest. It's up to us to choose – and we can't choose lightly.

Hotdog
Well, the choice is obvious. We choose our dear sister Annabelle. She's nothing but a loudmouth
and a nuisance. Has been ever since she was a girl.
Annabelle
Good luck with that, Hotdog. We're picking you. Have fun being damned for eternity!

Ben
It appears I am the deciding vote.

Annabelle
Screw this, I'm dragging you out myself!

Annabelle advances on Hotdog slowly, as he cowers away.

Hotdog
Stop! Stop! I conscientiously object!

Annabelle
Go to hell!

Ben
Stop this nonsense!

Ben holds Annabelle back, kicking and screaming. Hotdog remains cowering in the corner.

Annabelle
Let go of me!

Ben
Not until you pull yourself together and stop attacking people!

Annabelle
Fine, fine! I'll leave him alone.

Ben lets go of Annabelle.

Ben
We're going to do this fairly. We're a family, and we make decisions as a family, whether it's
what board game to play, what can of beans to buy at the supermarket, or which one of us to
banish to the jaws of Lucifer. Now, your votes seem pretty clear, so it looks like it's up to me.
We'll have a bit of a competition. Both of you will try to convince me that you are the one who
has contributed the most to this family. Whoever impresses me the most gets to stay. Perhaps
start by sharing the kindest, most selfless thing you ever did for one of your precious siblings.

Both of them think. They think for a while. They are having trouble coming up with anything.

Hotdog
I've got it!

Ben
Yes?
Hotdog
Our last 20 questions game! You were thinking of a lemur, weren’t you?

Ben
Your kindest deed is figuring out a game of 20 questions?

Hotdog
My what? Oh! Sorry, my mind wandered.

Annabelle
I have one. It was three years ago – when Hotdog was responsible for the cooking, and he was
going through his vegan phase. He spent our entire food budget for the month on quinoa. That
was all we were going to eat for a month. I called up the company and told them I was sick and
that they were selling rancid quinoa. They had to do a total recall, and I didn't regret a thing.

Hotdog
You call that selfless? Quinoa is the third-most nutritious grain in the western hemisphere!

Ben
Well, Annabelle was pretty convincing. I detest quinoa. If you can't come up with a story at least
as kind as hers, I'm afraid it's the hellpits for you.

Hotdog
Very well. I submit... the time I nursed a stray kitten back to health!

Ben
I don't remember that.

Annabelle
Sounds like a load of quinoa to me.

Ben
Agreed. Hotdog, I'm giving you one more chance. Don't blow it.

Hotdog
I'm not lying! I really did save a kitten! Her name was, uh... Mittens! And she loved to... purr!
I felt more for that cat than I ever did for any of you.

Ben
I'm sorry that it has to be this way. Lord forgive me – I choose Hotdog as our sacrifice.

Annabelle
Satan forgive me for inflicting him upon you – I choose Hotdog as our sacrifice.

Ben and Annabelle grab Hotdog and start forcing him out the door.

Hotdog
No! No! You can't do this!
Annabelle
I'm sorry Hotdog, but you're about to get grilled, and then fit snugly between two conjoined
pieces of bread. Hell-bread.

With that last bit of highly creative sass, Annabelle and Ben heave Hotdog out the door into the
portal to Hell.

Ben
What a day.

Booming Offstage Voice

You are both stupid jerks!

Annabelle
Do you think that means it worked?

Ben
I sure hope so.

Hotdog enters.

Ben and Annabelle

Hot dog, he's alive!

Hotdog
Ha! I tricked you both, you imbeciles! There's no such thing as Satan!

Ben
Impossible! I heard his loathsome voice clear as anything!

Hotdog
The voice you heard was my own manly dulcet tones, amplified with the mighty power of a
mighty megaphone! While you thought I was tinkling, I was concocting a ploy to stop you
scoundrels from tormenting me once and for all!

Annabelle
Wait, the bathroom's over there, (gestures) but the voice came from over there. How does that
work, dummy?

Hotdog
I'm sorry sister, but you and Ben are the only dummies here. Have you noticed the increasing
frequency of my washroom voyages in the last couple of months? My bathroom bonanzas? My
recurring travels to tinkle city?

Ben
Get to the point.

Hotdog
 What did you think I was doing spending all that time in there, huh?

Annabelle
Well, actually, y'know...

Hotdog
I was building a secret tunnel!

Ben
Impossible! You'd have to have tunneled through fifteen feet of dirt, stone, and granite. How
could you manage it so quickly?

Hotdog
I went to the flea market and swapped my bagpipes for a pickaxe.

Ben
A reasonable explanation. But how did we fail to hear you? It must have made such a noise.

Hotdog
The place is completely soundproofed. No noise gets out of there.

Ben
You're a devil and a genius, Hotdog.

Annabelle
Okay, so you tricked us. You pretended to be the devil and got our hopes up thinking we could
actually get rid of you. What's your plan now?

Hotdog
It's simple. I'm telling Mother.

Annabelle
Mom doesn't care about us.

Hotdog
She'll care when I tell her that you were willing to sacrifice me to Satan!

Annabelle
Good luck with that.

Hotdog
I am very lucky indeed! Farewell, my dearest family.

Hotdog exits.
Ben
You're right. Mom's not gonna care. This is just another one of Hotdog's harebrained schemes
and it's not gonna amount to anything.

The sound of Satan damning Hotdog to an eternity in the hellish abyss, perhaps accompanied
 by Hotdog's tortured, dying screams.
Satan
(offstage) Hello, this is Satan speaking. For real this time. Look, this whole thing was just a real
mess. I had already filled my human sacrifice quota for the month, but this bozo shows up and
starts pretending to be me. He thinks he's so cool just blaspheming all over the place, doesn't
he. Probably didn't figure he'd have to tangle with the real deal. Well that sure was his last
fuckup, wasn't it? Anyway, see you around. You two seem like nice kids. Bye!

Annabelle
(yelling to offstage) Not falling for that one again!

Ben
I don't know. It sure sounded like the devil to me.

Annabelle
God, you're so superstitious.

Ben
I'm gonna go check things out.

Ben peeks out the door – and comes back in, coughing.

Ben
My god, it's like a volcano erupted out there! Ash, dust, and smoke! If that's not the devil's
work, I don't know what is!

Annabelle
Alright, I'll have a look.

Annabelle peeks out the door.

Annabelle
You missed something! Hotdog's clothes are out there, sitting in a pile of ash. It's like he
vanished into thin air. I think I'm ready to buy the devil explanation after all.

Ben
Well, my brother got sent to hell and Satan showed up at my house to do the deed himself.
Another carefree summer day.

Annabelle
So, what's the plan now?

Ben
Up for some Scrabble?

Annabelle
Sounds good to me!

End of play.