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com/2007/03/29/diseases-of-the-heart-low-self-esteem-and-insecurities/

Diseases of the Heart-Low Self

Esteem and Insecurities
posted in Depression, Disease, Islam, Sufism by Margari Aziza Hill

What does it mean to have a healthy heart? It is a constant process, purifying the heart is a life-long process.
Although there are increasing numbers of Muslim psychologists in America, I do not think our communities
are well equipped to deal with common emotional and psychological problems that inflict havoc on the
health of our hearts. I know a number of happy and well adjusted Muslim women, however, I know of
American Muslims who are suffering from depression and poor self-image. Many suffer in silence, ashamed
to seek professional help. Many of us are taught to mistrust western approaches to emotional well-being and
mental health.

A lot of people read books, go to various talks, and listen to recorded lectures hoping to incorporate the
lessons in classical texts. I have spoken with a number of women who have gone to Imams, Sheikhs, or
scholars in search of answers and the main problem is accessibility. Often, they are given a quick fix, but not
one works with them over a long period of time to begin the path of healing. Speakers and scholars provide
certain tools, but often they do not know the particularities of a person’s past or problems. They may not
know of the underlying problems that plague an individual. Since they do not speak to the person on a
regular basis, they cannot help them go through the long process of working out the deeper issues.

We are in a highly literate society, so we have access to books that for centuries were only in circulation
among the scholarly elites (‘ulema, fuqaha, and government officials). Much of the Purification literature we
read is based upon the writings of men in the 12th to 17th centuries. We turn to these important medieval
texts that discuss diseases of the heart with little guidance. I know so many Muslims who feel overwhelmed
after reading these texts. These texts deal with diseases of the heart within the context of getting to the
hereafter or annihilating the ego. Little of the text deals with emotional pain that may even preclude someone
from seeing beyond their immediate situation or the pain and baggage that may prevent them from letting
go. A number of Muslims may even feel worse about themselves because these texts outline their clear
shortcomings. But often these texts leave us feeling like “You can’t get there from here.” In fact, we should
feel overwhelmed after reading how difficult it is to shed all the baggage and all the veils that prevent us
from becoming who we are truly meant to be. Further, this literature reflects their worldviews,
preoccupations, social norms, and cultural assumptions. Often, these scholars overlook the emotional,
psychological, and spiritual needs of women even during their time.

While I still believe in the value of many of these classics, these texts do not offer the same types of services
as a counselor or therapist. And many counselors or therapists are not Muslim and they may not be equipped
holistically deal with the emotional, spiritual, and physical health of a Muslim. With little options, many
people turn to reading books or listening to tapes about Purification of the Soul on their own. But it is not
like the original sciences were meant to be self-help tools. In fact, students of Islamic sciences often traveled
and studied directly under a teacher. They had very strong intimate relationships with their peers and
teachers. Islamic knowledge was taught in a way that knowledge directly connected with praxis. Otherwise,
knowledge of the nafs can also be destabilizing and it can be misused. I guess this is why I am skeptical of
the self-help industry.

I often reflect on the relationship between “Ilm an-Nafs” Psychology and Tasawwuf “purification of the
Soul.” I believe that our traditions can be adapted to fit modern needs and social demand. We should work
on emotional balance and well-being and mental health because in reality diseases of the heart undermine
almost everything we do. These diseases cause fitna (discord between community members, conflict, and
enmity), jealousy and envy, misguided behavior, corrupt leaders, and bad intentions behind our followers.
For every community, there should be 10 counselors, psychiatrists, advisers, life-coaches, etc. I will begin
with a discussion of insecurities and low self-image because it is a problem that faces many women. My last
entry was on Narcissism and Pathological Narcisissm Disorder, a disorder that largely effects men. But Low-
self esteem is something that effects women, but it is by no means limited to women.

You can take a test online here to see if you have the symptoms of low self-esteem.
I found the characteristics of low self-esteem that you might look for:

Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem

1. Social withdrawal
2. Anxiety and emotional turmoil
3. Lack of social skills and self confidence.
4. Depression and/or bouts of sadness
5. Less social conformity
6. Eating disorders
7. Inability to accept compliments
8. An Inability to see yourself ‘squarely’ – to be fair to yourself
9. Accentuating the negative
10. Exaggerated concern over what they imagine other people think
11. Self neglect
12. Treating yourself badly but NOT other people
13. Worrying whether you have treated others badly
14. Reluctance to take on challenges
15. Reluctance to trust your own opinion
16. Expect little out of life for yourself

Information from this site this website here.

Another website, Self Esteem Awareness has an even more comprehensive list:

Characteristics of Low Self-Esteem:

1. Feel and act like a “victim”
2. Judgmental of self and others
3. Break agreements, violate own standards
4. Cover, phony
5. Exaggerate, pretend, and lie
6. Self-deprecating, shameful, blaming, critical,
7. “Nice” person, approval-seeking, people pleaser
8. Negative attitude
9. Rationalize
10. Jealous/envious of others
11. Perfectionist
12. Dependencies, addictions, compulsive, self-Complacent, stagnant
13. Not liking the work one does
14. Leave tasks and relationships unfinished
15. Judge self-worth by comparing to others, feel inferior
16. Doesn’t accept or give compliments
17. Excessive worry
18. Fearful of exploring “real self”
19. Shun new endeavors, fearing mistake or failure
20. Irrational responses, ruled by emotions
21. Lack of purpose in life
22. Feel inadequate to handle new situations
23. Feel resentful and “One down” when I lose
24. Vulnerable to others’ opinion, comment and attitudes
Many sensitive people with become religious and dogmatic because they have low-self image. But
insecurities and low-self image leads to other diseases of the heart (such as, ungratefulness, envy, backbiting,
anger, resentment, and arrogance) which may not always be dealt with if the person covers themselves with
the cloak of religiosity or superficial spirituality. Instead, the rituals and practices become a scaffolding, as
opposed to become pillars and reinforcements for purifying the heart. I believe we can make our paths easier
by getting to the root of the problem.

Low self-esteem and insecurities are huge problems that prevent us from receiving any benefits from our
relationships and good deeds. Why? Low self-esteem leads to backbiting, jealousy, and approval seeking and
attention getting. Insecurities prevents a person from being truly intimate with other people. We don’t want
to become close to someone because we truly love them, but because we seek their approval. Insecurities
distort our intentions, an insecure person does something to please others, to find their value in other people.
They do not do things for the sake of Allah.

Umar bin Al-Khattab, Radi-Allahu unhu, narrates: I heard Allah’s

Apostle saying, “The reward of deeds depends upon the intentions.
And every person will get the reward according to what he has
intended.”

Insecurities affect how we view ourselves and others: we become competitive and constantly compare
ourselves to others; sometimes we become judgmental in order to make ourselves feel superior; and other
times we compare ourselves negatively to others and develop inferiority complexes. This leads to envy.

Volume 2, Book 24, Number 490:

Narrated Ibn Masud:
I heard the Prophet saying, “There is no envy except in two: a person
whom Allah has given wealth and he spends it in the right way, and a
person whom Allah has given wisdom (i.e. religious knowledge) and he
gives his decisions accordingly and teaches it to the others.”

If you find that you have fallen into these traps, do not beat yourself up. Instead, make tawba (go through the
process of forgiveness) for whatever actions that have corrupted your intentions or wrong deeds that came
from your insecurity. There are some simple steps and one is to let go of the pain and hurt and to take a step
on the right path. Purifying the heart is about changing how you think in order to change how you act.
Changing how you act and how you think will influence your heart. Purifying your heart will connect you
with you spirit. It is an uplifting and freeing experience. But the first thing you have to do is to take
responsibility for your actions, and stop feeling like a victim and recognize that Allah is in control. You have
to recognize that he enable you with the possibility to do good and wrong.
1. Ask Allah for forgiveness (You may have to go to someone you have hurt and ask them for forgiveness
2. Forgive others
3. Remove yourself from the company of those who you have done wrong with.
4. Have faith that Allah has forgiven you (this means that you need to forgive yourself and move on.) If the
person doesn’t accept your forgiveness, then they are in bad shape themselves.

Once you have begun the process of tawba, maybe it is time to think about the roots of your low self-esteem.
There can be outside forces and internal. Sometimes, people are highly sensitive and internalize criticism.
Sometimes you don’t see our self worth because other people projected their hurt and pain on you. Friends,
classmates, associates, and strangers may have taken cheap shots at you and you may take their criticism to
heart. Sometimes we are taught to think about things in distorted ways. Recognize how your distorted
thinking leads to low self esteem. Other times, we look for other people to validate us, as opposed to turning
inwards and turning to Allah to make sure we are doing the right thing. Other people, and the broader
society, cannot define your self-worth. That is the Allah’s job. If you feel like you need other people’s praise
and approval, you will find that desire insatiable. People cannot truly fill the void of low-self esteem and
insecurities. Self-esteem comes from having confidence in yourself and knowing that you are a worthy
individual. Each individual has intrinsic worth and beauty because that is how the Creator ordained it.

I would ask any individual: Is it worth having low-self esteem and insecurities? Why waste all your good
actions, hard work, and efforts? Also, why spend your life undermining your efforts? You should be tired of
 beating yourself up, getting into dumb situations, and not creating boundaries and getting hurt. If you realize
that you have low self-esteem, whether you have known all along, took the test and found out, or realized
that some of the traits in this blog fit you, I think you should seek a counselor, psychiatrist, spiritual advisor,
Sheikh(a), or imam who can help you work out your issues. Seek someone who will help you work through
your issues over time. You deserve it. Let go of the pain and doubts and discover our self-worth. Once you
let go of your insecurities, you will then discover how easy it is to love and be loved.

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21 Comments
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21 thoughts on “Diseases of the Heart-Low

Self Esteem and Insecurities”
.

Abdur Rahman

March 29, 2007 at 9:08 pm

Salaams Margari,

.
 May Allah reward and bless you for a well written, sensitive and very
important post.

I have often thought about some of the issues you raise. You’re right about
classical texts. That is, I don’t think they were ever really supposed to be used
in isolation, without a qualified counsellor, guide, shaykh (or whatever you
call them).

Confidence is such a crucial issue. It’s a strange truth, but unless you have
self-esteem you can’t really access the insights you need to move further
forward.

I wrote a piece about confidence in the context of higher education (just a few
thoughts really): http://thecorner.wordpress.com/2006/06/22/confidence-in-
education/

For me, this is what Islam is all about: making a difference in people’s lives.

Thanks again for this. More please!

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

.
 Like

Um Abdullah

March 30, 2007 at 3:23 pm

Oh, that was a wonderful post. I believe we do not have enough

Scholars/Imams who are Islamically and western educated and SINCERRE
and WISE. Usually this comes with age so I give it another twenty years,
insha Allah there will be more such people who are available to the
community. Its seems the ones now who fit the bill are taxed because there are
so few of them. I used to think joining a tariqa is the answer but its really hard
to find a Murshid who understands your culture, experience. I think thats why
so many people flock to Shaykh Nuh, but he can only give time to so many
people.

A lot of times people just want someone to talk to about their struggles
without being judged harshly. That is so hard to find because Muslims are so
judgmental. Thats why when I was reading your post I was thinking, it sounds
like the whole muslim community has low self esteem.

Like

.
 Margari Aziza Hill

March 30, 2007 at 3:57 pm

Salaam alaikum Abdur Rahman and Um Abdullah,

Jazak Allah kheir for your feed back. I think our Ummah is suffering from
low self-esteem. But with patience and constancy, we can improve our
condition. We need more accessible people who are trained to deal with the
emotional and spriritual problems that our community faces. My hope is that
insha’Allah each one of us encourages someone to take that role. I think it is
fard kifiyya. What do yall think?

Like

ambivalent

April 4, 2007 at 6:43 pm

An acquintance of mine was seaually abused as a child and she is seeing a

non-Muslim therapist who is helping her see the link between the sexual
abuse and her conflicts as an adult. I believe that as an ummah we have to get
to the point of naming issues and validating people who have experienced
them. Sometimes purification books, although well-intentioned, leave victims
more paralyzed with their guilt, shame and blame, as they are unable to
 ‘transcend’ and be people of ‘good’ heart.
Deep wounds need to be addressed from their roots and not just have a band-
aid applied to the surface.

Like

Pingback: muslimmatters.org » Around the Blogosphere (4.10.07)

.

Abdur Rahman

April 15, 2007 at 4:21 pm

Salaams Margari,

I’d say you’re right. Spot on, in fact. I’ve been asked on several occasions
what a Muslim with mental health issues should do and my answer is always
– seek professional help. Muslim counsellors, psychotherapists, etc are able to
understand Muslim patients more fully and can offer a more all round level of
care. That said, though, professional help is always best and is actually the
most Islamic.

.
 Abdur Rahman

Like

Dynamite Soul

May 18, 2007 at 2:25 am

As salaamu alaikum,

Thanks for your insight.

Like

F Ali

May 25, 2007 at 8:24 am

.

Assalam Alaykum

Good to see something so relevant and so common been posted up, i

appreciate how you have bought low self esteem and discussed it in the
contexts of Islam. I have all the above symptoms and well I find it easy to
have people label us including ourselves upon those predosposition however
what really struck me was the fact that i am made to feel like a problem and
hence it seems i have to consult help externally which i have done many times
to no avail. I hold religion dearly because its the key for giving me the relief
that nothing else can offer, however sometimes i fall from faith and it feels
like the whole world will fall onto me. I dont know, the problems u have
stated clearly the solution has been said but not much emphasis, at the end of
the day every man has to carry his burden i dont understand how another can
help i guess in a way we all fight our own battles some do it better and others
no so well and i dont know your article has placed me in much doubt i am
solely relying on Allah, prayers and duas to give me a sense of security and
stability and here it claims that i shouldnt rely on it for a self esteem boost.

Like

Margari Aziza Hill

May 25, 2007 at 9:38 pm

.
 F Ali, you seem to miss the nuances of what I am saying. Depression and low
self esteem are life long battles. Friendship and consultation does help, but
there is no easy solution. If you find consultation, counseling, companionship,
or advise helps, then I wish you well in your search to find security and
happiness. It is not for me to decide how you chose to address the internal
issues that you are facing. The people who have done me the most damage,
betrayed me, and been the most jealous have had profound insecurities and
confidence issues. Some of them have been mosque goers and avid readers of
books like “Purification of the Soul.”

Like

sinhaji

June 19, 2007 at 11:30 pm

Salaam..hakatha…a believer benefits from every flower like a bee seeking

nectar. The bee unkowingly fertilises the plant. I am some what stunned as to
the diqa and rafaha of your post.

I think its fard ayn on every fard to lend a helping hand to their kith and kin
(ie ..adamity & occasional jinn).

.
 Jzakillahu Khairan..

Like

hezah

September 18, 2008 at 9:48 pm

asalamu-alakum,

everyone (muslims) happy RAMADHAN. may it bring peace, joy n love.

may you all recieve it with proseperity n beauty. enjoy every moment but nt
jus of rmadhan but of life. inshallah.

THIS IS ABSOLUTETELY FANTASTIC! MASHALLAH. X

Like

.
 Kadijatu

November 3, 2008 at 1:54 pm

Salaam,

I really appreciate this article, and I feel comforted now that I have found
what I assume I have been struggling with. Your blog title really intrigued me,
and I think the best bet for me would to get over the stigma, and perhaps go
speak with a professional. I feel like I’d be burdening my friends, and I have a
tendency of pushing loved ones away. May Allah(swt) protect and guide us
all. Ameen.

Like

Pingback: Diseases of the Heart-Low Self Esteem and Insecurities |

Sheikhonderun's Weblog
.

Yassine

August 7, 2012 at 7:20 am

.
 Thx for the post sister.
I am Muslim suffering
from some self-esteem
issues. I am not sure i
understood what u
meant in “#2” step
where u mentioned removing yourself from the company of those who you
have done wrong with. Are you suggesting ending the relatioship with the
person u have done wrong with, although they have forgiven you, before you
can repent?
Thanks again for your post..

Like

Tahira

August 28, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Isn’t their any dua or specific verses in the Holy Quran that one may read to
get out of this miserable state of insecurities and low self esteem? Because
every time I find a new friend, i get really attached to them and its sort of like
a dependency but as soon as they get busy in their life, after their “lows” or
down period, they don’t give me the attention they used to and that really
feels pathetic, its like i’m some sort of leech who just demands attention.
I know i’m really insecure since the very beginning, but i really really want to
get rid of my insecurities, its driving me crazy!
.

Like

how to fix a marriage

September 18, 2012 at 12:36 am

author Amy Waterman has all the methods necessary to assist in

resolving conflicts, increase self esteem, advantages forgiveness, and restart
the enthusiasm that you
both once felt. With Amy’s assist you can save your marriage and avoid being
a divorce
statistic.

Like

Akhlaq

April 2, 2013 at 11:00 am

.
 As someone who is under-going feelings of depression and suffering from
social anxiety, I’m now in a position where slowly but surely I want to
become better spiritiually so that I can tackle my issues and move on. Is there
a practical guide that I could follow?

Like

jumper

April 30, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Read this blog entry and it makes sense whether you are Muslin, Christian,
Buddhist, Agnostic, whatever. It made me realize that I am wasting precious
days of my life beating myself up. Time to seek help and stop the madness…
and start living!

Like

ABDIHAKIM MASTERPLAN

.
 July 16, 2013 at 2:04 am

Masha Allah dia jazaka Allah, u r da rare type of conservative ideological

muslim ( wald thot based on truth ) going philosophical on self dev’t in this
century where many muslim r brainwashed n leaving in infiriority complex
status MAY ALLAH HELP US AMEEN ….

Like

Muhammad

July 26, 2013 at 12:22 am

Assalam-o- Alekum
Brother,
I would like to thank you for writing such a helpful and and well written piece
on insecurity and low-self esteem. Many people aren’t aware what a low self-
esteem can do to your Iman and how it can lead to social problems. I too
suffer from the same problem but I feel helpless as my parents don’t take me
seriously and will feel ashamed to send me for counselling. What should I do?

Like

.
.

escortdiary

September 29, 2015 at 1:21 am

While I think you post is well intended, I strongly disagree that Muslims need
more Western psychological approaches to “diseases” of the heart. If
anything, the recent blending of Islamic values and Western psychology is
dangerous.

If you knew the history and the critiques of Western psychology and the
medicalization/taxonomy of human phenomena, then perhaps you would
reconsider what you wrote. The categorization of human emotions into
“diseases” and “pathologies” by Western medical officials from the 19th
century is a discourse (it is not a universal truth). In fact, these discourses of
pathologies (such as”bipolar disorder”) is dangerous, as it treats them as
purely biological entities that can be “fixed” by medicines or therapy (in
reality, these “disorders” are socially created –an economically unequal
system that marginalizes vast populations can creates mental health issues. I
suggest reading the iconic anti-colonialist writer Franz Fenon, a Black
psychiatrist who began to critique his own profession and colonialism as a
whole. He wrote “The Wretched of the Earth,” and “Black Faces, White
Masks” and argued that colonial oppression on marginalized groups caused
mental “conditions” –in other words, these conditions were not biological,
and moreover, medical treatment for these “disorders” were essentially a
continuation of oppression (the “treatment” is essentially a way to numb
people by virtue of medicine or quarantine — and thus the oppressive social
conditions continue on).

.
 I suggest you look into this critique, as there is a wealth of academic critique
on Western medical discourses

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