Guy Fieri Takes A Dump

By

Brick Teamer
 Chapter 1
It was another sunny California day and Guy was travelling to his next job.

He had his crew and his attitude.

Previously at home, before leaving, he had put on some aftershave and his best flame print
button up shirt, he was getting into character. This was easy for him. He high-fived a poster
of the singer guy from Smashmouth, and said a saucy “Well helloooo” to a poster on the
bathroom door, it was of a lady in a bikini.

“Oh yeah!” he yelled into the mirror at himself as he rubbed his hair strewn face with a beard
oil he had picked up for free in a pig roasting contests VIP bag.

They were going to their next stop, to film a mom and pop place that supposedly made the
best hog sandwich in the area.

“Yo, we gonna have a great day or what?” he shouted to the van full of staff…

The staff yelled back a subdued and tired “yay”. Months on the road, eating shit, and taking
shit from Guy, and feeling like shit from eating crud food. He worked them like hogs, hogs
that had been cooked, smoked, picked apart with forks and eaten, day after day after day…

Eventually they reach their destination for today’s filming.

Big Billy’s Hog Hutch.

The shooting took maybe 5 hours tops and was then over. It was a good day of shooting the
episode and Guy recognised everyone’s efforts and gave them a high five because they
deserved it.

It wasn’t too long before Guy felt he needed to do a big fat shit
 Chapter 2
A sound appeared in his guts, a groaning, bassy rumble, like a freight train barrelling through
the tunnels of hell somewhere deep in the earth's interiors, and he didn’t think twice, tearing
off his flame print shirt and running to a toilet.

Guy kicked open the cubicle door, unzipped his pants and sat his ginormous silverback ape-
like, cottage cheese ass behind onto the groaning toilet seat. The toilet seat appeared to let
out a scream, but toilets luckily aren't alive, so it was more likely the structure warping and
straining under his mass.

His buttocks shook violently and he clenched his fists and buttocks as the first hardened
black meat-shit ached its way difficultly and mind-numbingly slowly out of his red screaming
sphincter hole.

Guy screamed aloud, again and again. A diet of cheese and meat and fat had turned each of
his stools into the equivalent of a diamond made of shame and human feces.

A shame diamond that challenged his ass to release it every time he met with it in the
gladiatorial shit stadium of the toilet.

“Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

“COME ON YOU BIG BITCH! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”” he screamed at his over-

worked, worn out, crippled ass, his body a convulsing mess not dissimilar to Yuri Gagarin’s
space pod re-entering the earth’s atmosphere - alone, red, hot, shaking violently...and
screaming, always screaming.

The turd had breached but not yet snapped off, it was as hard as a broom handle, black as
coal and at least 40 centimeters in length. It was just hanging there exposed and taunting
him.

And more was still to come.

Guy sat up to look into the toilet and survey the damaged hellscape that was his ass, and to
face the enemy eye to eye. He arched his girthsome mass over to stare between his soiled,
chafed and calloused thighs at the vulgar obscenity dangling from his spasticated asshole
and encroaching on his taint.

Instantly he projectile vomited a load of steaming hog meat, barbeque sauce and dough that
he had eaten earlier in the day onto his small balls, as his bulging eyes pushed off his
sunglasses as he focused in on the anal menace protruding from his torn and bloody hole.

Suddenly the black rod of hell-shit bent toward his face and two beady red eyes
appeared….then a small thin lipped mouth...and it began to talk.
“Guy Fieri, look at your life choices, stop hurting your ass all the time” the amorphous hell-
shit croaked in its farty, gurgling voice. A light brown gas of ass breath escaped its mouth
with every word.

Disgusted and in shock Guy terror-vomited again, right into the face and into the mouth of
the feces monster protruding from his asshole. It licked its lips.

The angry black hell-turd then hissed at Guy, who flinched away screaming in fright, some of
the hell-turds hiss-spit even got into Guy’s eyes and maybe his mouth.

“Stop being a dickhead and eating bad food. I don't like your TV shows very much at all.
Also, you aren't the guy from Smashmouth. I have come to give you this message and now I
am leaving, bye.”

Guy continued his one long continuous scream that he started earlier - when the
horrendous black ass turd from hell had hissed at him.

“Oh, and one last thing; People say you’re a good guy in real life and that your show really
helps the businesses you visit, but I dunno, it’s still trashy food, I want more from The Food
Network, give me more Bourdain and Zimmern.” The turd monster then began screaming in
an extremely high pitch way.

Guy’s own really long scream came to an end and he started yelling instead “Why are you
tormenting me!?, what the hell is going onnnnnnnnnn!?” and similar vocalizations of
confusion.

The screaming, black, robust, hell-turd, now about a meter and a half long, tore itself out of
Guys colon exposing another half a meter of its length and splashed into the toilet. An
explosion occurred on its impact with the turbid toilet water shit mess and a puff of brown
smoke rose into the air.

Guy wailed like a weakling and slumped onto the toilet floor into a puddle of his own piss and
ass water, shirtless, his pants around his ankles, sobbing.

“Why does this keep happening to me?” he moaned.

Guy wished for the sweet embrace of death, but he knew out there, somewhere, was
another mom and pop shit-shack that needed his help.