Suggestions for Revision

Surface Revisions
1. Sentence Branching

(See Handout in Writer’s Toolbox)

2. Using Strong Verbs

Weak verbs drive weak sentences. Aside from simply substituting bland verbs for more powerful ones (see
handout in writer’s toolbox), consider specifically eliminating “state of being” verbs:

Be
Being
Is
Am
Are
Was
Were

Example: What sounds better?

The clouds were in the sky.

The clouds hung in the sky.

The clouds were in the sky

3. Using Strong Adjectives

Similar to verbs, adding stronger adjectives will also elevate your writing. Consult the thesaurus
add-on when you’re in need of powerful adjectives.

4. Synonyms for “Said”

Have you ever heard the saying, “Said is dead”? Many students fall into the trap of using said for every piece
of dialogue and/or text evidence. To avoid monotony, use your thesaurus or powerful verbs sheet (in writer’s
toolbox) to switch things up.

Example: Consider how different these sentences sound by changing just one word:

The man said, “I am next in line.”

The man whined, “I am next in line.”
The man proclaimed, “I am next in line.”
The man threatened, “I am next in line.”
 5. Limiting Dead Words

Like “said,” there are other words that students overuse to the point where they lose their meaning. The
following list provides examples of some of these words but is not definitive:

Good Gonna In My Opinion In Conclusion So/Well

Etc. I believe Really A Lot (at the beginning of a sentence)
I Feel Thing(s) Kind Of Like
Very Got Totally I think

**​Remember​: Dead word hunts should be saved for your ​FINAL​ draft.

Deep Revisions
1. Content: What has the writer chosen to write about?

One of the biggest problems with student writing is that it can be too broad and unfocused. When you narrow
your focus you can expand your description of one specific person/event/idea/etc. This will make your writing
more interesting and more memorable.

Consider the power of writing smaller with the following pieces of writing about September 11th:
Version One Version Two

At 8:46 AM (local time), the terrorists piloted the first plane
into the north tower of the World Trade Center in New
York City. The huge twin towers (completed 1970-72)
were designed by Minoru Yamasaki (1912-1986). At 1,368
ft. (415 m.) tall, they were the world’s tallest buildings until
surpassed in 1973 by the Sears Tower in Chicago. The
towers were notable for the relationship of their simple,
light embellishment to their underlying structure. In 1993 a
bomb planted by terrorists exploded in the underground
garage killing several people and injuring some 1,000. A
much more massive attack occurred on Sept. 11, 2001,
when first One World Trade Center and then Two World
Trade Center were struck by hijacked commercial airliners
deliberately flown into them. Shortly thereafter both of the
heavily damaged towers, as well as adjacent buildings,
collapsed into enormous piles of debris. The attacks-- the
deadliest terrorist assault in history-- claimed the lives of
some 2,800 victims. Thousands more were injured.
With Tommy Knox (who died in the World Trade Center) it
was often about the little things. The way he put the
toothpaste on his wife’s toothbrush when he got up before
her, almost every day. He’d leave it on the vanity ready for
her before he left his home in Hoboken for his job as a
broker at Cantor Fitzgerald.
Or perhaps it was how he made the oldest gag in the
book funny again. At weddings, parties, any place, really,
he slapped in a set of grotesque false teeth and worked
the room in his gregarious, antic style, which never failed
to make anyone laugh.
The youngest of six children, Mr. Knox, who was 31,
was always the first to grab the attention of his siblings’ 11
children at family get-togethers with a joke or some routine
to keep them from laughing. Or maybe it was the way he
listened-- attentive, alert, compassionate.
“I guess it was all the little things,” said his wife, Nancy
Knox. “All these little, special things that made Tommy
who he was and made us all love him.”

Source: Encyclopedia Britannica Premium Service (2006) Source: ​New York Times (2003)

Which piece of writing did you like better? They both tell the story of September 11th, but the second piece has
a narrow focus, allowing the writer to look in-depth at this one person who lost his life.

To avoid this problem from the start, or to fix a broad down draft, use a funnel to focus in on a specific topic
(see writer’s toolbox).
 2. Elaboration: How has the writer expanded on the topic?

If your down draft is coming up short on page length or word count, it’s possible your essay is underdeveloped.
This problem often leads to a lackluster C grade on a final draft because you might have great ideas, but there
isn’t enough supporting information to back them up.

Use a “question flood” to uncover more ways to expand on your topic. Reread your writing, and brainstorm
questions that have been left unanswered.

Example:

I have a really embarrassing story to tell you. I was on a television game show and I was playing for big
money. At exactly the wrong moment, my brain froze. I said something really embarrassing, right in front of
twenty million Americans (not to mention my fiancee, who was in the studio audience). Though it happened a
long time ago, thinking about it today still causes me embarrassment.

Question Flood
1. Why is the story really embarrassing?
2. What game show were you on?
3. How did you get on the show?
4. When did this happen?
5. How much money could you have won?
6. What was the “wrong moment”?
7. What made your brain freeze up?
8. Were there celebrities on the show?
9. What did you say that was embarrassing?
10. How did the viewers react?
11. How long ago did this happen?
12. What did your fiancee think?
13. Why/When do you still feel embarrassed about it?

This writer now has much more material to work with in order to expand his/her essay.

3. Organization: How has the writer organized the material?

Another common problem students have involves a lack of flow in their work. Sometimes it’s necessary to
restructure your work in order to find the most effective order of points. This could be done at the paragraph
level, the supporting details level, and even at the sentence level. In some cases, you can shift/break up even
larger portions of a work.

Employ the following strategy to ensure your work is in the most logical flow/structure:

Cut up each paragraph of your work and spend time rearranging them, asking yourself what effects might be
created by moving different paragraphs.

This can also be done with a single paragraph if it seems to lack flow.
 4. Language Use: How has the writer used language?

This is really the final step of your revision journey. Once you have solid content and organization,
you can fine-tune your work by incorporating your own voice. If you want readers (and teachers) to
LOVE the essay, you must add personal flair to your piece that sets you apart from everyone else
and captures your own essence.

Writing with Weak Voice:

-Is plain
-Has an indifferent author
-Is distanced from the topic/audience
-Has a flat/bored author that seems unaware of the audience
-Has readers who lose interest

Writing with Strong Voice:

-Is compelling, authentic, and engaging
-Has an interesting tone
-Showcases the author’s conviction
-Has an author who connects with the audience

It’s difficult to teach students how to develop their own voice in writing. Consider taking risks in the
drafting process that could showcase your passion and conviction.

One helpful technique is to use talk-to-text software. Record yourself talking about the topic on a
device/app that turns what you say into text. We often censor our voice when physically writing/typing
the material, but we do this less when speaking. Don’t have talk-to-text capabilities? Ask a
friend/teacher/parent to record what you have to say.