You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

With the pressures on today’s young people to succeed academically, some

people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and
cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate
wholly on academic subjects.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In Today's thriving world for technology and education , there has been an Commented [AB1]: No need for a capital letter here.

endless debate between educational authorities , whether to focus only on Commented [AB2]: This sounds a little negative; better here
might be – ‘lively’ or even ‘continuing’.

academic subjects in order to fulfill employment's needs or adopt more flexible

timetable that embrace different subjects. This essay is going to discuss Why it Commented [AB3]: ‘a more flexible timetable’
Commented [AB4]: ‘w’

is important to prioritize the academic subjects but without depriving the children Commented [AB5]: No need for ‘the’ here – you have a plural
noun – ‘subjects’.

from other creative activities . Commented [AB6]: ‘of’ – ‘deprive of’

Commented [AB7]: No comma after ‘that’.

Commented [AB8]: A synonym – ‘syllabus’
Those who advocate that , school timetables should only contain academic
Commented [AB9]: plural
Commented [AB10]: This sounds too informal – use ‘powerful /
valid’.
subject have a good point of view. As they acclaim if we introduce subjects, like Commented [AB11]: You do not need ‘as’ – it complicates the
sentence.
Commented [AB12]: ‘claim’
foreign language or legitimate computer science , this definitely would be more Commented [AB13]: I’m not sure what this means here.
Commented [AB14]: Use a ; here – it connects two similar
ideas – a comma does not do this.

beneficial and realistic in preparation of our future's generation for the Commented [AB15]: ‘the preparation of’ –‘the + noun + of’

competitive job market. One study has been conducted in Europe on elementary Commented [AB16]: ‘One study that has been conducted
in……’

school's candidates found that, introducing a new language and computer

sciences at that age was extremely helpful as it was easier for them to catch new

language and be professional in computer in That age. Thus enable them to find Commented [AB17]: There is a more concise way of saying this
–
‘for them to absorb new language and proficient in computers’.
Commented [AB18]: This would not start a new sentence – look
better opportunities in colleges admission , it also allows them to compete in at the following –
Regular exercise strengthens the heart, thus
reducing the risk of heart attack."
Commented [AB19]: New sentence or connected sentence using
;
employment today's cut throat competitions
Commented [AB20]: ‘competitive markets’

On the other hand , activities like sports and cookery are also important , as it Commented [AB21]: ‘they’

teaches them the value of team work and obeying orders. Flexible timetable Commented [AB22]: ‘teach’
Commented [AB23]: ‘a flexible timetable’

particularly in elementary level allows adoption of such classes without affecting Commented [AB24]: ‘at’ – ‘at a level’
Commented [AB25]: ‘the adoption of’ – the + noun+ of

pupil's academic progress. Adoption of after-school activity club is considered a Commented [AB26]: ‘The adoption of..’

good idea , allowing more organization and in the same time allows only Commented [AB27]: This is unclear – ‘allowing children to
gain organizational skills’
Commented [AB28]: ‘at’

motivated kids to join and practice their hobbies as well as socialize with their
friends. Thus school's administrators are ought to make their school place for
education and enjoyment with proper organization.
Commented [AB29]: A more concise way of saying this - '
giving motivated kids a chance to join in and practice their
hobbies as well as socialize with their friends'
Commented [AB30]: ‘are ought to’
Commented [AB31]: ‘through proper foresight and planning’

In conclusion, today's children are future's leaders. In my opinion a balanced

school subjects is a necessity in order to emerge a psychologically and Commented [AB32]: ‘curriculum’

physically fit generations able to compete and succeed. Commented [AB33]: ‘to create emerge a psychologically and
physically fit generations able to compete and succeed…’

Comments:

IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score

Task Fulfilment Addresses most parts of the

task. Presents a relevant
position throughout the text. 7.0
The argument is clearly
defined. The argument is
quite balanced. A very good
answer. The only thing that
lets you down is the second
paragraph which is a little
unclear when you talk about
‘organization’.
Cohesion and Coherence Sequences information and 6.5
ideas logically – good
cohesion within and between
sentences. There are, still
some issues with some
sentences which need to link
together or start a new
sentence. Excellent support

Lexical resource
Grammatical Range
and accuracy
given to all main ideas in each
paragraph.
A good level of sophistication
in word choice and a good
range. Word choices can be
inaccurate though: ‘acclaim,
legitimate, catch and 6.5
organization, emerge’.
Some sophistication – some 6.5
complex sentences are less
accurate. Some issues with
prepositions and relative
clauses (use of ‘that/which/
who’).

Overall Score: 6.5– weaker than your last essay. The lower score here is due to inappropriate
word choice and your sentence boundaries (when to finish / start a new one).