BOJACK HORSEMAN

"SPEC SCRIPT"

Written by

Rory Diamond

416.356.7284
rorycdiamond@gmail.com
INT. BELLICAN’S - NIGHT

BOJACK drinks by himself at the bar. He sees two MOTHS

gravitate towards a candle and bump into eachother. They
smile, a budding romance.

He sighs, drinks.

He notices an attractive DEER reading and sipping a martini a

stool over.

BOJACK
Hey.

She doesn’t respond.

BOJACK
Watch out for that fire!!!
(then)
That was acting. I’m an actor. Not
that it’s a big deal. You might’ve
heard of me fr--

He knocks a candle over onto a napkin, starting a mini-fire.

Without looking up the Deer puts it out with her martini
glass.

DEER
Do you always bother people when
they’re trying to read?

She signals for another martini.

BOJACK
Yes. Who reads anymore?

Bojack looks at her book-- she’s reading Secretariat! It has

a picture of him on the cover: “As seen in the major motion
picture”

BOJACK
I love Secretariat. I starred in
the movie. See, my picture is right
th--

DEER
I know who you are. Please leave me
alone.

Before he can retort, a sexy SWAN approaches.

SWAN
Holy moly. Are you Bojack Horseman?
 2.

Bojack smiles at the Swan.

BOJACK
(at deer)
Enjoy your book, nerd.

He leads the Swan to another part of the bar.

BOJACK
(at bartender)
Triple whiskey please.

SWAN
Holy moly! That’s my order!

BOJACK
You’re really liberal with your
holy molys, huh?

SWAN
You know, my father’s name is
Bojack.

BOJACK
Oh. That makes this kinda weird.

She traces a hand up his chest.

SWAN
Actually, I prefer it.

BOJACK
(at bartender)
Better make that a quintuple.
Quintuple? Whatever 5 is.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

A very drunk Bojack drives while the Swan sits shotgun. He

takes a swig from his flask.

SWAN
I can’t believe I’m drinking and
driving with Bojack Horseman.

BOJACK
You want a turn?

SWAN
You mean it?

He nods, hands her the flask. She takes a swig, then puts her
hands on the wheel and steers.
 3.

BOJACK
Right out of a movie, isn’t it?

SWAN
Yeah.

The Swan ditches the wheel and goes for Bojack’s pants, the
car swerves and he corrects it. Silently, a cop car pulls up
and tails them.

BOJACK
I was thinking more a romantic
comedy, or...

SWAN
Relax.

She removes his belt and throws it on the ground, her head
goes down.

BOJACK
I-- Oh. Ohhh.

She pops back up.

SWAN
Is everything OK?

BOJACK
Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?

SWAN
Don’t worry. It’s normal for guys
your age to have trouble--

BOJACK
My age?! Just-- try again.

She goes back down. Then comes back up.

SWAN (O.S.)
Are you sure--

BOJACK
You know you’re just putting more
pressure on me right now.

He guides her back down.

BOJACK
(sotto)
C’mon Bojack, focus.
 4.

He closes his eyes to focus, then opens them just as he’s

about to smash into a tree!

BOJACK SWAN
AHHHH!!!! AHHHH!!!!

He swerves out of the way just in time. A beat.

BOJACK
No holy moly that time?

The tailing police car turns on its sirens.

BOJACK
Great.

Bojack pulls over, sees the cop approaching.

BOJACK
If he asks, I was able to get it
up.

SWAN
Why would he ever ask that?

BOJACK
I don’t know. You never know where
a conversation is gonna-- Hello
officer!

The cop, OFFICER WALRUS, is at the window.

OFFICER WALRUS
License and registration.

BOJACK
Sure, one moment.
(then)
WATCH OUT FOR THAT FIRE!!!!

Officer Walrus turns scared.

BOJACK
Just kidding! I’m an actor.

OFFICER WALRUS
Bless my stars, of course. You’re
Bojack Horseman!

BOJACK
Guilty as charged. Though perhaps
that’s not the language I should be
using with an officer of the law!
 5.

OFFICER WALRUS
Ha ha ha! Why I--
(wipes tears)
The graceful charm of a celebrity.
Well-sir, if I ever caught a
civilian driving like you were,
whew-ee! I’d arrest them before
they could say the alphabet
backwards. But Bojack Horseman,
you’re a movie star! It’s only
natural for celebrities to drink
and drive.

He takes out his notepad.

OFFICE WALRUS
Would you mind? For my wife.

Bojack signs his notepad.

OFFICER WALRUS
This will really cheer her up. I’ve
been having... trouble, in that
department lately. You don’t have
any experience with that, do you?

Bojack looks at the Swan.

SWAN
No he doesn’t.

OFFICER WALRUS
Ah well. You two have a good night
now.

BOJACK
Guilty as char--

Bojack PROJECTILE VOMITS all over the cop. For a long time.
It’s so much vomit.

A beat.

The cop wipes vomit off his face, lowers his sunglasses.

OFFICER WALRUS
Son. In all my years--

Bojack vomits on him again.

TITLE CREDITS.
 6.

INT. BOJACK’S APARTMENT - BOJACK’S ROOM - MORNING

On black.

KID’S VOICE (V.O.)

Marco!

TODD (V.O.)
Marco!

BOJACK (V.O.)
Ughhhhhhh.

Bojack’s eyelids flicker open to a blurry TODD and a KID

TURTLE, both blindfolded, stumbling around his room.

BOJACK
What are you doing?

He starts coughing, reaches for his flask and takes a sip.

TODD
Marco!

BOJACK
(rubs eyes)
Are you both Marco?

TODD
Turtle out of water!

The Turtle jumps on his bed, spilling Bojack’s flask all over
him.

BOJACK
Hey!

Todd and the Kid Turtle run out of the room giggling, Bojack
jumps out of bed to chase and trips over an electrical cable
running across the floor.

He falls and knocks over a lamp, starting a small fire.

INT. BOJACK’S APARTMENT - MORNING

Bojack holds a breakfast plate and navigates through the

active film set that has taken over his apartment.

Cameras, lights, extras. It’s a big production.

 7.

He narrowly avoids two GRIPS holding a wood beam, an INTERN

running with a fire extinguisher, a PORCUPINE with a
clipboard.

PORCUPINE
(on walkie)
We need more coffee, copy? Make it
choppy.

He sees PRINCESS CAROLINE and LENNY TURTLETAUB standing near

the monitors.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
There’s our star!

BOJACK
Why is there a film crew in my
house and why doesn’t their
breakfast spread have any sesame
seed bagels? Do they want me to
have poppyseeds stuck in my teeth
all day?

Bojack attempts to pick out a poppyseed.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
You agreed to star in a don’t drink
and drive commercial, remember?

BOJACK
That doesn’t sound like me.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Ever since celebrities like Geese
Witherspoon and Schmevin Hart have
gotten DUIs, it’s become trendy to
drink and drive. We need a big name
like Bojack Horseman to come out
and show people it isn’t all it’s
made up to be.

BOJACK
I’d rather go to jail than star in
some lame commercial.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
You already did go to jail.

She holds out her phone, plays a voicemail:

BOJACK’S VOICE (V.O.)

(slurring)
Princess Caroline, I’m in jail, you
gotta bust me out.
 8.

BOJACK
That could be anyone.

BOJACK’S VOICE (V.O.)

(slurring)
It’s Bojack. Horseman.
(off phone)
Wait, cn-I use my call on someone
else? And why only one call, huh?
Who’s the big wig that--

We hear him vomiting.

PHONE VOICE (V.O.)

Oh god it’s everywhere! It’s in my
gun!!

Bojack closes her phone.

BOJACK
I’m still not doing it.

The Intern, clothes burnt, brings Turtletaub a coffee. He

takes a sip and spits it out.

TURTLETAUB
I specifically asked for this
coffee to be choppy!
(at Bojack)
How do you think we got you out of
jail, Paskudnik? They were gonna
lock you up faster than a Jew in
1970s Germany.

BOJACK
Uhhhh...

PRINCESS CAROLINE
It’s not like you have anything
else to do. The only thing in your
calendar this month is “get into
Radiohead”.

BOJACK
I just can’t seem to appreciate
their sound.

A CHICKEN COP approaches.

CHICKEN COP
Everything OK here?
 9.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Yes, officer. I was just explaining
to him that it’s this commercial or
jail.

BOJACK
You throw up on two lousy cops and
this is what you get.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Three lousy cops.

BOJACK
Are you su--

Princess Caroline nods.

CHICKEN COP
Actually only two of them were
lousy. O’Brien’s a damn fine cop!

INT. BOJACK’S APARTMENT - DAY

Bojack sits in a chair reading a script while the Intern

holds ice to his forehead.

BOJACK
Page.

The Intern flips the page. The Deer from Bellican’s

approaches. This is VIVIAN.

VIVIAN (DEER)
Oh. It’s you.

BOJACK
I’m sorry, have we had sex before?
If so, I definitely got it up,
right?

Vivian sighs in frustration.

BOJACK
Look, I appreciate your flirting
but I really need to memorize my
lines for this stupid commercial.

VIVIAN
Stopping people from drinking and
driving isn’t stupid.

BOJACK
Uh, have you read the script?
 10.

VIVIAN
I wrote the script.

BOJACK
Then you know how stupid it is.
(high-fives intern)
Ayo! Now go get a snack.
(then)
I didn’t say take the ice!

The Intern hustles off, Bojack holds the ice to his head.

VIVIAN
I thought you’d be used to reading
stupid scripts, seeing as you
starred in Horsin’ Around.

Bojack pours his forehead-ice into a scotch glass.

BOJACK
Which was on television. Have you
even written a commercial that’s
been on television?

VIVAN
It’s really hard to take you
seriously with a poppyseed in your
teeth.

Bojack uses the script to pick it out.

BOJACK
Better?

VIVIAN
Maybe if you actually read it you
wouldn’t have gotten a DUI.

BOJACK
This script is so bad it makes me
want to drink and drive more.

He pours some whiskey from his flask into the glass, downs a
gulp.

BOJACK
Maybe I’ll even hit someone. Good
thing I’m a celebrity so nothing
will happen!

VIVIAN
Shut up.

Bojack sees he’s struck a chord.

 11.

BOJACK
Yeah. A young child. Full of hope
and wonder, ignorant to all the
pain and suffering of the world.
Maybe I’ll hit them!
(kid’s voice)
Mommy! Look! A swerving car!
(car noises)
Scrchhhhh!
(kid’s voice)
Oh no!! I’m dead!!

VIVIAN
Fuck you.

She throws the script on the ground and marches off.

BOJACK
Point: Bojack. Game and... Match.

He sips his whiskey.

BOJACK
And why does this whiskey taste
like forehead?

INT. BOJACK’S APARTMENT - DAY

Turtletaub and Princess Caroline stand behind the monitors.

Vivian appears and throws her script in Turtletaub’s hands.

VIVIAN
I quit.

She storms off as Bojack saunters over eating poppyseed cake.

BOJACK
Is this production run by an opium
den or something?

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Our writer-director just quit.
What’d you do?

BOJACK
All I did was make fun of her lousy
script. I mean, c’mon.
(reading)
Noooo! Johnny! My only son!
(not reading)
A drunk driver hitting a 7 year old
boy while he’s flying a kite?
(MORE)
 12.

BOJACK (CONT'D)
Then getting away with it because
he’s a celebrity?

Bojack anticipates a reaction, notices Princess Caroline and

Turtletaub’s mortified expressions.

BOJACK
Why don’t you guys think this is as
stupid as I do? I mean it even has
a lousy fake dedication at the
bottom: “Dedicated to Johnny, the
light of my life. Mom”
(then)
Oh crap.

Princess Caroline and Lenny Turtletaub slap their foreheads.

TURTLETAUB
Vivian was the hottest thing in
Hollywoo, had movie deals greener
than an unripened ettrog.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
But after she lost her son, she
disappeared. This was her first
project back since... well, since.

Bojack takes this in.

TURTLETAUB
Well this is messier than charoset
on a Pesach plate.

BOJACK
I need to find her. I need to
apologize.

He rushes off.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
What about the commercial! You’ll
go to jail!

But Bojack is gone.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Ah, fish!

A FISH looks at her, offended.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Sorry.
 13.

INT. BOJACK’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

Turtletaub walks with Princess Caroline trying to set

everything in order.

TURTLETAUB
We’re gonna need to delay
production. Cut pennies, pinch
every corner--

Todd and Little approach in pirate outfits.

LITTLE
Daddy! We’re gonna be late for my
birthday party!

TURTLETAUB
Oy Kavult! I completely forgot. I’m
sorry Little, I have to fix things
here.

LITTLE
But you promised....

TURTLETAUB
Princess Caroline, can you take
him?

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Really? I’m not that good with
kids...

TODD
I can do it!

TURTLETAUB
(at Princess Caroline)
Hun, you’re an agent. You deal with
actors more like children than
actual children. It’s a kid’s
birthday party, you blow up some
balloons, eat some cake, kapeech,
kaput.

TODD
I love quiche!

TURTLETAUB
(at Todd)
Kid, I appreciate you playing with
Little today, but c’mon. Look at
yourself. I need an adult.
(at Princess Caroline)
(MORE)
 14.

TURTLETAUB (CONT'D)
You do me this favour and I’ll come
to you when I’m casting my next
commercial.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Feature.

TURTLETAUB
TV Show.

They shake.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Deal.
(at Little)
C’mon, Tyke! We got a birthday to
bash.

Little is hesitant.

TURTLETAUB
I’ll be there before you can blow
out the candles. Now go! Shoo!
Kaput! Kaplansky!

Princess Caroline takes his hand and ushers off.

TURTLETAUB
And Princess Caroline...

She turns.

TURTLETAUB
This is my son. You mess this up,
I’ll make sure you never work in
the industry again.

Everyone walks off leaving Todd. He looks at his goofy pirate

attire in a mirror, frowns.

INT. MR. PEANUTBUTTER’S HOUSE - DAY

Todd and MR. PEANUTBUTTER sit at his desk. Todd spins his
pirate hat, distracted.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
We’ve collaborated on some wacky
ideas in the past. But I’ve studied
market trends, and people aren’t
buying wacky anymore. It’s time for
PB Livin’ to grow, mature,
diversify.
(MORE)
 15.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER (CONT'D)

So instead another boring wacky
idea, this time, we try a zany idea
instead!

He reveals a board showing: “Tasty Cutlery!”

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Remember cooking? Having to make
all your flavours from scratch?
What a chore! But what if the
cutlery you used was already
flavoured?

He waits for Todd to jump in, he doesn’t.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
...You wouldn’t have to worry about
cooking at all!

He flips to a page of cutlery, points at each picture as he

speaks.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
We’d have it all. Forks. Knives.
Spoons. Smaller spoons. Steak
knives, butter knives, salad forks,
fish forks, dessert forks... And
chopsticks!

TODD
Yeah. Cool.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
What’s the matter, buddy? I thought
you’d be on this idea like fleas on
a Rottweiler.

TODD
I’m not really in the mood to be
zany right now.

Mr. Peanutbutter is shocked, sits down concerned.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Is everything OK?

TODD
This producer needed a chaperone
for his son’s birthday party and he
didn’t even consider me. I know I’m
not the most mature person, but it
was like... like I wasn’t even
there.
 16.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Tell me, when we launched our line
of vitamin suppositories, who did I
trust to test our product?

TODD
Me.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
And who chose the business hours
for our line of solar powered
tanning booths??

TODD
(stands up)
I did!

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
We’re gonna track down that
producer and show him just how
responsible you are.

TODD
(jumps with pirate sword)
Hurray!

Coins fall out of his pocket, he dives on them.

TODD
My doubloons!

INT. BELLICAN’S - DAY

Bojack walks in and sees Vivian sitting at the bar with a

martini.

VIVIAN
I suppose you’re here to try and
convince me to come back.

BOJACK
Look, Vivian. I’m really sorry. I
didn’t know.

Vivian goes to speak.

BOJACK
Please, let me just-- I can’t
possibly understand what it would
be like to lose someone you love...
because I’ve never let anyone in my
life get close enough to love them.
I’m not a good person, Vivian.
(MORE)
 17.

BOJACK (CONT'D)
And if you don’t like me, well,
that probably means you’re doing
something right. I’m sorry for
being a jerk. I’m sorry about your
son.

A beat.

Vivian kicks out the stool for him, Bojack timidly takes a
seat.

VIVIAN
I don’t actually hate Horsin’
Around.

BOJACK
You don’t have to lie.

VIVIAN
I mean it. After it happened, I
remember lying on the couch...
being miserable is about all I had
the energy for. And then one day it
came on. And for twenty-two
minutes, well, I lost myself. It
helped me forget. That and the
morphine.

Bojack laughs.

BOJACK
It was a good show for what it was,
wasn’t it?

VIVIAN
Much better than Mr. Peanutbutter’s
house.

BOJACK
Really?

VIVIAN
I mean, Mr. Peanutbutter was just
playing himself. But in Horsin’
around, you could feel the acting.
Like you knew it was an actor
playing a role...

BOJACK
Uhhh...
 18.

VIVAN
...and that you weren’t this upbeat
happy guy, but you were putting on
an act. And not even well. I could
feel your profound sadness in every
scene. Someone who got into acting
to follow their dreams, then seeing
those dreams crushed each episode.
It gave Horsin’ Around a real
depth.

Bojack is speechless, uncomfortable.

VIVAN
I’m fucking with you, Bojack.

He laughs.

BOJACK
But there’s nothing wrong with me.
I mean, I’m perfectly normal.

VIVIAN
When you deal with something
yourself everyday, it’s not hard to
see it in others.

The Bartender holds out a cup overflowing with whiskey.

BARTENDER
(at Bojack)
The usual?

VIVIAN
What is that, a quintuple? Wait,
how do you say five again?

BOJACK
(at bartender)
Just a double is fine.

He smiles at Vivian.

EXT. DAVE AND SCHMUSTER’S - DAY

Todd and Mr. Peanutbutter wait in a long line of Children. A

BOUNCER guards the door.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
This is so exhilarating. Crashing a
kid’s birthday party? What a
hilariously unexplored concept!
 19.

The Bouncer glances over.

TODD
Shh!! Don’t say that we’re
crashing.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Oof! Sorry. Sneaking. We’re
sneaking into the birthday party.

TODD
Don’t say that either!

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Hmm. Surely there must an
appropriate synonym I can use...

They reach the front. The Bouncer looks them up and down
suspiciously.

BOUNCER
Name?

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Mr. Peanutbutter, at your service!

BOUNCER
(scanning list)
Hmm. I see a Mr. Peanutbutter plus
one--

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
But no Mr. Peanutbutter. Darn. Does
it say anything about celebrities?
Because we have been known to cra--
(looks at Todd)
Sneak into parties from time to
time.

BOUNCER
You’re a celebrity? Why didn’t you
say so. Right this way, sir.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
(at Todd)
See you in there, sneak-buddy!

He walks in, the Bouncer sizes up Todd.

BOUNCER
Are you a celebrity?

TODD
Uhhhhhhhhh...
 20.

BOUNCER
(reading)
Don’t see it. Sorry, chief.

Princess Caroline sticks her head out from inside, sees Todd.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
What are you doing here?

TODD
Princess Caroline! Can you get me
in?

She hesitates.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Fine. Just don’t screw anything up.
This party’s more important than a
part-time port-filled wine glass of
s’more flavoured turpentine.

TODD
Hurray!

They go inside. The next person in line reaches the bouncer.

BOUNCER
Right this way, Mr. Plus One, sir.

INT. DAVE AND SCHMUSTER’S - DAY

A kids’ centre full of fun and games. Servers dressed as

pirates hand out Fish n chips and Octo-Pie.

Little is surrounded by friends sitting at a big table. A

PARROT KID scratches on a turntable with his beak.

Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd watch.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Where’s that producer?

TODD
He must not be here yet.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Well don’t worry buddy, I’ll be by
your side the entire...

He spots a kid playing with a ball. His ears rise.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Ooooo!
 21.

He chases it.

Suddenly the lights dim, and Princess Caroline brings out a

cake to Little.

EVERYONE
Happy birthday to you. Happy
birthday to you...

Little can’t help but search for his Dad. Suddenly the door
opens... but it’s just the wind.

EVERYONE
Happy birthday dear--

Suddenly, the Parrot Kid makes the sound of a turntable

scratching to a halt. He whips out a sword and puts it around
Little’s neck.

PARROT KID
Nobody move.

Todd jumps, spilling doubloons. Everyone gasps! The Parrot

Kid gasps, repeating the sound.

PARROT KID
(clears throat)
Sorry.
(then)
We demand all his presents or he
walks the plank!

The Parrot dashes off with the sword to Little’s neck.

LITTLE
Help!!!

Princess Caroline goes to chase them but trips over Todd’s

doubloons.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Fish, fish, fish!

She looks around, sees a WHALE.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Good thing whales are mammals,
right?

WHALE
Actually my cousin is a fish, and I
found that highly offensive.
 22.

INT. DAVE AND SCHMUSTER’S - LATER

Todd and Princess Caroline navigate past children on a giant

pirate ship. Kids sword battle, walk the plank.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Just stay out of my way. And take
off that outfit, you look
ridiculous.

Todd frowns, takes off his pirate gear and drops his sword.
Princess Caroline taps a PIRATE KID.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Excuse me, have you seen a young
turtle dressed like yourself? Or a
parrot with a sword to his throat?

The Pirate Kid gives her a weird look.

PIRATE KID
This ship be reserved for Sea Dogs
only.

He walks off.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Only I could lose a kid at his own
birthday party.
(checks phone)
Turtletaub’s on his way. That’s it.
It’s over. F--
(hesitates)
--uck.

Todd looks at his sword and pirate hat on the ground. He

hesitates...

...then snatches them!

TODD
(at Pirate Kid)
Yarrr!!

The Pirate Kid turns.

PIRATE KID
Who be yarring me at this hour?
 23.

TODD
Avast ye! It is I, Toddbeard. We
seek a half-shelled land lubber,
skin greener than a lass with
scurvy. Hast yar spotted him or
hast’nt yar?

PIRATE KID
Aye. I’ve spotted a lad such as
this.

He draws his sword.

PIRATE KID
Though yar’ll have to dual me for
thy knowledge yar seek!

Todd takes a battle stance.

TODD
Prepare to feed the fish.

They lunge at eachother.

INT. BOJACK’S APARTMENT - DAY

Vivian stands behind the camera filming Bojack.

BOJACK
And that’s a wrap!

He takes a bite of a wrap, holds a smile.

VIVIAN
Annnd that’s a wrap! Great work
everyone!

Everyone cheers, begins to clean up. Bojack approaches Vivian

with champagne.

BOJACK
That was really great, Vivian.

He hands her a glass, toasts.

VIVIAN
It feels really good to be back.

BOJACK
To Johnny.

She holds her glass up.

 24.

VIVIAN
To Johnny.

INT. DAVE AND SCHMUSTER’S - DAY

Todd and the Pirate Kid are in a fierce duel! Swords flash,
plastic sparks.

The Pirate Kid fights Todd onto the edge of a plank. Todd
looks down and momentarily loses balance as he sees Shark
Kids circling below.

The Pirate Kid lunges but Todd expertly dodges and escapes
back onto the main deck.

Angry, The Pirate Kid roars and rushes Todd who sidesteps.
The Pirate’s Kid sword sticks into the ship, he can’t get it
out.

Todd holds his sword to his throat. The Pirate Kid spits.

PIRATE KID
I’d rather die.

Princess Caroline checks her watch, snatches both their

plastic swords.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
We don’t have time for this!
Listen, kid. Tell us where he is or
I’ll tell your parents you’re
playing with swords.

PIRATE KID
Thy wouldn’tst!

Princess Caroline eyes him.

PIRATE KID
(no accent)
I saw a parrot and a turtle go
inside Blackbeard’s haunted cave.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
(at Todd)
Let’s go.

TODD
...To Blackbeard’s haunted cave?

He looks at his sword with trepidation.

 25.

TODD
If my friend needs me...
(grabs sword)
Toddbeard ahoy!

He rushes off.

INT. DAVE AND SCMUSTER’S - BLACKBEARD’S HAUNTED CAVE - LATER

Todd tiptoes into the cave, Princess Caroline strides past

him, she spots the Parrot Kid sitting on Blackbeard’s throne.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Where’s Little?

PARROT KID
I’ll never tell!!

The shout echoes in the cave which causes BAT KIDs to

scatter. Todd takes a step back, frightened.

Princess Caroline grabs the Parrot by the collar.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
That’s it--

LITTLE (O.S.)
Leave him alone!

Little rushes out.

LITTLE
It’s not his fault. It’s just...

Little begins to cry.

LITTLE
He promised he’d be here...

The Parrot Kid also begins to cry. Princess Caroline lays a

hesitant hand on Little’s shoulder.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Hey. Don’t cry. Adults have to
work, it doesn’t mean your dad
doesn’t love you. He’s just working
so he can support you.

LITTLE
You sound just like he does!

He keeps crying. Princess Caroline looks to Todd for help.

 26.

TODD
Hey, remember when Landlubbers 6
came out?

LITTLE
Yeah...

TODD
Your parents probably had to beg
you just to come down for dinner.
But that doesn’t mean you didn’t
love them. You were just
distracted. Your dad loves you,
Little. It’s just easy for adults
to get... distracted.

LITTLE
You... you think so?

Todd nods. Princess Caroline looks at Todd, impressed.

EXT. BOJACK’S APARTMENT - DUSK

Bojack and Vivian walk out of Bojack’s

VIVIAN
So now when people ask me about it,
instead of saying I’m “OK” I just
say medium. When you say OK people
can’t help but feel bad. Sometimes
I just don’t wanna get into it,
y’know? But when you say medium,
people just leave you alone.
(then)
It’s dark out.

BOJACK
Yeah. What are you doing right now?
Wanna eat? Or not... it’s pretty
late.

VIVIAN
I’d like that.

Bojack smiles, takes out his car keys, he fumbles a bit,

finally gets them in.

VIVIAN
What are you doing?

BOJACK
I own a restaurant a couple blocks
over.
 27.

VIVIAN
After everything-- you’re seriously
about to drive?

BOJACK
You-- oh!! Vivian. Ha! I’m not
drunk. I’m barely tipsy.

VIVIAN
You had eight drinks.

BOJACK
(confused)
...Of champagne.

VIVIAN
I can’t believe it.

She starts walking off.

BOJACK
Wait, Vivian.

VIVIAN
Leave me alone!

She starts running, Bojack tries to keep up but can’t. He

stops, panting.

EXT. STREET - EVENING

Bojack drives, scanning for Vivian. He squints in the dark.

BOJACK
Vivian! Vivian!

He turns on his brights, she appears ahead, walking on the

side of the road.

BOJACK
Vivian!

She turns and her eyes grow wide. She’s a deer frozen in the
headlights. Bojack creeps forward.

BOJACK
I’m so sorry.

He realizes she isn’t moving. He tries to hit the brakes but

his belt (from before) is jammed behind it.

BOJACK
Watch out!
 28.

He swerves! Not in time, she lets out a yelp and grabs her
ankle. He parks and jumps out the car.

BOJACK
Vivian!

VIVIAN
Get away from me!!

She tries to hobble off but trips and falls. A cop car pulls
up.

BOJACK
Oh thank god.
(at police)
We need an ambulance!

CHICKEN COP
(in walkie)
I’m gonna need an ambulance on my
location, pronto.
(then)
What happened?

BOJACK
I was driving and a belt got stuck
under my pedal and--

CHICKEN COP
(sniffing)
You haven’t been drinking, have you
son?

BOJACK
She needs help. When’s the
ambulance getting--

He puts handcuffs on him.

CHICKEN COP
Bojack Horseman, you’re under
arrest.

BOJACK
Wait-- Hold on.

The Cop drags him away. His partner, O’NEIL, gets out of the
car.

CHICKEN COP
O’Neil, you stay here and monitor
until the ambulance arrives.
 29.

BOJACK
She needs help! Wait!

He throws him in the back of the car, muffling his yells.

INT. DAVE AND SCMUSTER’S - LATER

Todd and Princess Caroline watch Little and Turtletaub play a

game together.

PRINCESS CAROLINE
Thanks for everything. And... I’m
sorry I called you immature. If not
for you we never would have found
Little. I guess it’s kinda...
mature, to be immature sometimes.

Todd smiles. Mr. Peanutbutter strides up with a handful of

stuffed animals and prizes.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Was this a great day or what??
Todd. I was thinking about
flavoured cutlery...

TODD
Wait! What if instead of flavouring
the cutlery, we flavoured the food
instead!

Mr. Peanutbutter puts his arm around him.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER
Now you’re cooking with fire.

They walk off.

EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Bojack paces outside the hospital smoking, he spots Vivian

limping out on crutches.

BOJACK
Vivian.

She sees him, keeps limping. Bojack tags.

BOJACK
Can I drive you home?
(then)
That was a joke.
 30.

She hails a cab, it pulls over. Vivian stops, let’s out a

sigh.

VIVIAN
Look, Bojack... I think you have a
good heart.

BOJACK
Great! That was the end of your
sentence, right?

She goes to speak.

BOJACK
Please don’t. Please. I just feel
like, like I can be myself around
you. Normally I have to get drunk
just to put up with other people.
To pretend and be happy. But not
with you. I know we just met, but I
feel honest around you. Like I’m
comfortable being myself. Even when
I’m feeling... Medium.

She looks up from the ground.

BOJACK
Can I buy you a coffee?

The Cab Driver honks his horn.

VIVIAN
I’m sorry, Bojack.

She gets in the cab.

BOJACK
It’s OK. I understand.

She closes the door and drives off. He watches her go.

EXT. BELLICAN’S - NIGHT

Bojack stumbles out of Bellican’s with a cute BEAVER around

his arm.

BEAVER
Well I do love wood, but there’s
more to me than that, y’know?

Bojack almost trips but rights himself, they both laugh. They
arrive at his car.
 31.

BEAVER
Wanna come back to my place? I have
a pool that overlooks the city.

BEAVER
Whoa. I wish I was a celebrity.

She laughs as Bojack takes out his keys. As he puts them to

the car he notices all the scratches around the keyhole.

BEAVER (O.S.)
You’re so charming. I knew you were
just like I thought you’d be. Isn’t
it amazing when things just... work
out?

But Bojack isn’t listening, he just stares at the key

scratches.

BEAVER
Bojack?

He snaps out of it.

BOJACK
Yeah. Sorry. Let’s go.

He opens the door.

BEAVER
Hasn’t this night been magical?

She gets in the car smiling, closes the door.

BOJACK
Yeah.

Bojack looks at the scratches again, sighs, then gets in

after her.

THE END.