P3 Alex Sumption.

docx
by Alex Sumption

Submission date: 15-Apr-2018 08:25PM (UT C-0500)

Submission ID: 947308598
File name: P3 Alex Sumption.docx
Word count: 1961
Character count: 9858
 Title?

Wordy

to

Attending
.

7
 Notice that you
have no real
naysayers in your
At t ribut ion review of
8
opinions. Is
anyone at all
skeptical that Ivy
League
9 educations are
worth while?
Does anyone
discuss the
difficulty of getting
in to those
schools? Or the
difficulty of
competing at
those schools?

Pat chwork Paraphrase

Pat chwork Paraphrase Cit at ion Needed

10
Work on the transition.
11

At t ribut ion

12

Maybe between these two paragraphs you

could include a possible naysayer
paragraph where you talk about the difficulty
of getting in to an Ivy League school and the
stress of that pressure? Then, you could
rebut that naysayer by showing how hard
work often results in a greater return, as you
do in the next paragraph. The illustration of
"no easy task" seems to be missing.
 13

Given
Misplaced apos.
It's hard to follow
this point. How
does this address
the naysayers?

he? Jacques is often a male

name.

14
15
 Dates of access should
appear after the URL.
ABC

Accessed 9 April 2018.

Cap. Error

, pp.
Only
online
sourc
es
need
dates
of
acces
s,
since
online
sourc
es
can
chan
ge
more
easily
than
book
s.
P3 Alex Sumption.docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

15 %
SIMILARIT Y INDEX
13%
INT ERNET SOURCES
5%
PUBLICAT IONS
12%
ST UDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

1
ux1.eiu.edu
Int ernet Source 3%
2
www.nber.org
Int ernet Source 3%
3
Submitted to Des Moines Area Community
College
2%
St udent Paper

4
Submitted to UC, San Diego
St udent Paper 2%
5
www.brookings.edu
Int ernet Source 2%
6
Submitted to Somerville High School
St udent Paper 1%
7
Submitted to Columbia Basin College
St udent Paper 1%
8
www.nytimes.com
Int ernet Source <1%
9
Stacy Berg Dale. "Estimating the Payoff to
 Attending A More Selective College: An
Application of Selection on Observables and <1%
Unobservables*", Quarterly Journal of
Economics, 11/2002
Publicat ion

Exclude quotes Of f Exclude matches Of f

Exclude bibliography On
P3 Alex Sumption.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT

FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS

/100 Instructor

Alex,

T his paper is stronger than your last argumentative

paper! T hat's great to see! You have some
compelling inf ormation, and once you get into the
support of your paper, the ideas really start making
sense! I do have suggestions, but I don't think you
would need to do as signif icant revision on this
paper as on Paper 2.

My f irst suggestion would be to adjust the intro and

conclusion. I'll let you read the comments in the
body of the paper f or more inf o on how to do this.
However, I will also say here that your intro doesn't
quickly f ocus on your specif ic issue, and that is part
of the problem. You spend a little too much time on
the general issue of whether or not students should
attend college, and that ends up seeming like your
issue f or a moment. T hen, when you change to your
real issue about Ivy League schools, it's a little
jarring.

Related to this, some changes to the review of

opinions would be helpf ul. In particular, you still
seem to have two issues there, too. Just get
f ocused on the question of whether or not an Ivy
League education is f inancially worth while. Also, the
review doesn't include specif ics f rom Steinburg and
Owen and Sawhill (see comment). Nor does it
include an opposing view. Can you add that? We
can talk more about your review of opinions in our
conf erence, if you want.

Finally, some changes to the way you f rame some of

your inf ormation would help. In particular, that Owen
and Sawhill paragraph really needs to be ref ramed. I
gave examples in the comment on that paragraph.
T hen, other paragraphs could use stronger topic
 sentences. And f inally, the naysayer could work
better if moved to a dif f erent place (again, see the
comments).

A f ew comments on language and citation are in the

paper, as well. In particular, make sure your
attribution matches the entry on the Works Cited
page.

Overall, though, this is much stronger work than the

last paper, mostly because, even when there are
some conf using parts, it's easy to see what you are
trying to say and accomplish! Keep improving!

PAGE 1

Text Comment. T itle?

Comment 1
T his beginning could be stronger. You make the issue seem like one issue and then abruptly
turn to another issue. T his conf usion between issues continues through the intro. I
understand that you're trying to make a link between the issue of whether or not to attend
college and whether an Ivy League education is worth it, but this could be done more
ef f ectively.

Could you, perhaps, start with some of those common assumptions about Ivy League schools
as a way to start your paper? Or maybe you could say something like "Most colleges seniors
wonder about college. Will they go? Where will they go? Will the money be worth the return?
While most of us grapple with these decisions, a handf ul of students struggle over another,
related question--Is an Ivy League education worth the time and ef f ort?"

QM Wordy
Wordy. Consider revising.

Strikethrough.
 Text Comment. to

Strikethrough.

Strikethrough.

Text Comment. Attending

Text Comment. .

Strikethrough.

Comment 6
End with your thesis, rather than this statement. Use these ideas in your conclusion.

Comment 7
Again, your issue seems muddled here. I mentioned this in the review of opinions f eedback, and
the f irst comment in the intro addresses the same idea. T hrough the beginning of the paper,
multiple issues pop up, making it a little hard to pinpoint the exact f ocus of the paper (and the
review of opinions).

PAGE 2

Text Comment. Notice that you have no real naysayers in your review of opinions. Is
anyone at all skeptical that Ivy League educations are worth while? Does anyone discuss the
dif f iculty of getting in to those schools? Or the dif f iculty of competing at those schools?

QM Attribution
Remember that the attribution in the in-text citation should lead directly to the f irst word or
words of the correct entry on the Works Cited page.

Additional Comment

Notice that the entry on the Works Cited page doesn't start with "Crimson Education."

Comment 8
Which theory? You probably mean the employer theory that Ivy League graduates have a
stronger f oundation, so just make that a little clearer. Maybe use the phrase "With these
statistics, the theory that Ivy League graduates are...looks like a reality..."

Comment 9
Don't lump all three together. Add a f ew specif ics f rom each source and cite them separately
 Don't lump all three together. Add a f ew specif ics f rom each source and cite them separately
af ter those specif ics. For example, cite what Owen and Sawhill say about highly competitive
schools (they call this "school selectivity" (212).

QM Patchwork Paraphrase
T hese lines are too close to the original to be strong paraphrase. See the second citation
video

QM Citation Needed
Cite this.

QM Patchwork Paraphrase
T hese lines are too close to the original to be strong paraphrase. See the second citation
video

Comment 10
Really, this is the only part of the paragraph that you need. It's the only part that f ocuses on
the precise issue you're interested in. You could build a whole paragraph around this quote and
inf ormation, but the f ocus of the paragraph should be to show that not the ROI of attending
college is higher than not attending college, but that ROI increases when students attend a
more selective school (and Ivy League schools are the most selective).

So you don't exactly need to change all the inf ormation, but you do need to change the way it is
f ramed. For example, your topic sentence could be something like this "One of the most
convincing pieces of evidence that Ivy League schools are worth it are the numbers on return on
investment of college. Stephanie Owen and Elizabeth Sawhill show that, in general, college is
worth the price...However, that ROI increases with the level of selectivity of the college..."

Do you see where I'm going here?

PAGE 3

Text Comment. Work on the transition.

Comment 11
T his sentence also doesn't seem to express the point of the paragraph. T he paragraph isn't
about good f oundations (which suggests more knowledge or better connections). T he point
seems to be a second paragraph that shows that IL graduates will earn more. Work on the
topic sentence and the transition.

QM Attribution
 Remember that the attribution in the in-text citation should lead directly to the f irst word or
words of the correct entry on the Works Cited page.

Comment 12
T his is a transition. T ransition at the beginning of paragraphs so it doesn't seem like your
paragraph breaks away f rom having one single point at the end.

Text Comment. Maybe between these two paragraphs you could include a possible
naysayer paragraph where you talk about the dif f iculty of getting in to an Ivy League school and
the stress of that pressure? T hen, you could rebut that naysayer by showing how hard work
of ten results in a greater return, as you do in the next paragraph. T he illustration of "no easy
task" seems to be missing.

PAGE 4

Comment 13
Who are these naysayers? Does the article mention them? Or did you f ind the naysayers
yourself ? If the article mentions the naysayers, cite that.

Text Comment. Given

QM Misplaced apos.
Misplaced apostrophe:
An apostrophe can f unction to indicate a possessive when accompanied by an -s ("the book
that belongs to Roy" = "Roy's book"). For words that already have an -s at the end, just adding
the apostrophe will do ("the team belonging to the boys" = "the boys' team"). Certain exceptions
to this rule apply, and possessive personal pronouns ("like ours," "yours," "hers," "his," "its") are
possessive already and theref ore do not take an apostrophe. It is always wrong to use a
possessive apostrophe to simply make a word plural.

Text Comment. It's hard to f ollow this point. How does this address the naysayers?

Text Comment. he? Jacques is of ten a male name.

Comment 14
Again, I would argue moving this inf ormation to bef ore the previous paragraph would be
ef f ective. T hat way, you would be weaving the naysayer view into the f abric of your own
argument. You also wouldn't have to repeat your rebuttal. Much of the next paragraph is a little
repetitive.

PAGE 5

PAGE 6
 Comment 15
I'm going to suggest using a dif f erent conclusion that doesn't f ocus so much on repetition as
on making your argument relevant f or the common reader. Why should a reader who might not
go to an Ivy League school care about your argument? If you could explain that in your
conclusion, you would have a paper that is more relevant f or a wider audience.

PAGE 7

Text Comment. Dates of access should appear af ter the URL.

QM ABC
Don't f orget alphabetical order!

Strikethrough.

Text Comment. Accessed 9 April 2018.

QM Cap. Error
Capitalization

Text Comment. , pp.

Text Comment. Only online sources need dates of access, since online sources can
change more easily than books.

Strikethrough.