Beaut Cure for a Headache

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.
"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a h
eadache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Neve
r fails."
A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache
cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"
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Funny Categories: Funny Adult Jokes, Funny Bar Jokes
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Three Kinds
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds o
f boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In h
er 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they ar
e like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds
of 'willies' are there?'.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three
phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's
and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like
a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
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Friday, February 19, 2010
Rooster in Pants
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing
pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got sin
ged off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing
funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pant
s down with the other."

1
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and
Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill
stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor
Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in
the car!"
2
This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the
plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only
a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but
unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting
toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to
her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you
know anything about gas stoves?"
3
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block nu
mber 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the
cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully,
and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on t
he roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that
I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by
hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately
, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out a
nd loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope,
holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will
note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pound
s.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presenc
e of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a ra
ther rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains
the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles
deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of m
ind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, an
d the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the ba
rrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In
the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for
the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I
am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable t
o stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my pr
esence of mind...and let go of the rope!
4
A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking
the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to
the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that
cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the
ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to
the bar!"
"No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death."
"Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks
over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure
enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet
right in front of the bar.
"I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" .
So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches
the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar.
"Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!"
"Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second
fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to
fall screaming to his death on the rocks below.
The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink.
The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him:
"You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been
drinking, Superman".
5
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today," wrote a
parent. "Please execute him."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent," wrote another parent. "She was sick
and I had her shot."
These drastic measures were inadvertently taken in notes written by parents
to excuse their children's absences from school.
In all fairness to pupils throughout the land, I must point out that
slaughtering the English language is a practice that is not limited opnly to
students. An astonishing number of grownups blithely go about murdering the
King's English without any inkling that they are committing a serious crime.
If you think that today's students aren't learning all they should, check
out some of the writing miscreated by their moms and dads. the following are
actual excuse notes received by teachers.
Dear School:
Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very
close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several
mispellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits.
Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.
Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to
get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday,
we thought it was Sunday.
Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not
find him till I started making the beds.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a
funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
weekend with the Marine's.
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't
the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going
around school, her father even got hot last night.
An Irishman's Jocular Tale
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all entered a 26 mile long swimming ra
ce.
After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out.
Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out.
After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns aroun
d and swims back to the start.
Fun At The Movies
Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see
"Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting together who wer
e sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue cle
arly.
Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I can't
hear.'
'I should hope not,' stormed the woman, 'this is a private conversation.'
Amusing Married Men Only Story Men Only
Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity about this funny tale from t
he USA.
Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that wi
ll only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty y
oung lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out
why.
Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is
it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'
'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees a
re used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to ke
ep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'
A Funny True StorySpeed Trap
Police Officer Bryant found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding mot
orists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so Brya
nt investigated and found the problem. 10 year old Dennis was standing on the s
ide of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead." A l
ittle more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another b
oy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket
at his feet, full of change.
Easy to Swallow?
My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young
ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room
. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No am
ount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coi
n that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's
ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his fath
er's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
Heard This One Before?
A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, 'It's the most expensive one
I've ever had, it cost me USD$3,500.' [£1800]
His friend asks, 'What kind is it?'
The braggart says, 'Half past four.'
Fake Pigeon Story
Will and Guy bring you the story behind the pigeon story. Zhang Liang, apologiz
ed for his 'bad behavior' when he forged a picture of pigeons receiving bird flu
vaccine shots from medical workers.
Amazingly this picture won first prize in the 2005 China International Press Pho
to Contest. 'I would like to apologize to the public,' said Liang, who was dism
issed from Harbin Daily. Pigeon Fake Zhang Liang
He copied the pigeon in the top right corner of his photo and pasted it in the t
op left corner.
'I did it to make the photo perfect,' Zhang was quoted as saying. 'It was the fi
rst time for me to perfect pictures with computer technology and I did it only o
nce.'

Will's Experience at Gatwick

After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick
airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman
there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him n
ot to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?'
Lesson in Employee Relationship
Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in cat
ering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was
2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the own
er was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Stev
e into the office for a talk.
Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but yo
u're being late so often is quite a worry.'
'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Fred.
'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming
in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you ca
me in late there?'
'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
Aircrew of the Month
¦
This next yarn reminds of my former classmate Pete. At school, Pete was always
in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle in a
job. He landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a d
etour and drove the bus to his home. Pete, got out, went in, left the passenger
s on the bus, had a cup of tea and drove on half an hour later. When the bus co
mpany discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot. The Airl
ine flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete.
From a Stingem employee....' Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.' We are p
leased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight...!'
Then he progressed to the famous ' Fasten Seatbelt Routine' . What he said was:
'To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight
. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you h
ave a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with th
eirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which on
e you love the more.
After the plane landed, he said: 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the f
light attendants'
His final announcement was: 'Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
Scotsman, Irishman, and Englishman Story
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solit
ary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply
of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
* The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he'
s locked away.
* The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with s
everal thousand bottles of it.
* The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pil
e of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, their doors are all unlocked.
* The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead
from alcohol poisoning.
* The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of
liver failure.
* When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerl
y to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first per
son he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
See more Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman tall stories
Boot on the Wrong Footboots joke
This tale is based on a true story told to Will by a friend [Tessa] who is an nu
rsery schoolteacher in Drayton near Portsmouth; names have been changed to prote
ct the guilty.
Marlon asked the teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of a busy day.
After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, Tessa finally
got them on. 'They're on the wrong way round, Miss,' mumbled Marlon.
She realises that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm she and
swaps them over for him.
'They're not my shoes, Miss,' Marlon murmurs again.
Tessa fights hard to keep her cool and asks Marlon why he hadn't told her before
. She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off.
'These aren't my shoes, they're my brother's and Mum told me not to tell anyone.
'
At this point Tessa can feel tears coming. She helps him back into his shoes. Sh
e gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck.
'Where are your gloves, Marlon?' asks Tessa quietly.
'Oh, Miss, I always put them in my shoes!'
Texas Halloween Investigation7734 - Hell
There was a murder in Texas at Halloween, and the FBI were called in to investig
ate. Hitchcock, one of the officers, saw something written in blood on the wall
. It looked like the number '7734', but he was not sure; anyway, he took lots o
f pictures.
When Hitchcock got back to the lab he developed the film of the crime scene, but
he still could not make any progress with the number. In the hope of inspirati
on, he took the sheaf of photographs home and spread them on the dining room cha
ir. Just at that moment his 7 year old daughter Emma came in through the patio
door opposite, and looked in the mirror.
'Why have you photographed hell?', she asked, then Hitchcock saw that upside dow
n, and mirrored, 7734 spelt: 'hELL'.
Unlucky Young Man
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the y
oung man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I
want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner wit
h her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lu
cky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12
pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a rel
igious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist."
Unlucky Young Man
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the y
oung man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I
want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner wit
h her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lu
cky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12
pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a rel
igious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist."
The Man in the Suit
Mr. Teloni has place the wrong bet. Very short.
In the middle of this park the grass is a dark healthy green. Here sits an idle
bench with a man, Mr. Teloni, he is a big name in the gambling business. He sits
alone, reading the newspaper. A man in a black suit walks up to him at the benc
h, "Excuse me, may I sit here?" Mr. Teloni doesn't look up and only nods. There
is an uneasy silence in the air between these two.
"Perfect weather here today, birds chirping and the sun is shining. Life is more
than what we deserve, we take it for granted. However, Mr. Teloni, it's a beaut
iful day to be alive." Mr. Teloni looks back and at the man in the suit, he does
n't know what to think, "How do you know my name?" The man in the suit looks at
him and says, "I know more than you think Mr. Teloni. I know you were an orphan
as a child, and grew up in the rather rough parts of Chicago. I know how frustra
ted you are with life, your wife, and you children, along with everything else i
n your worthless existence."
Mr. Teloni is starting to get nervous, "L... Listen I know this is a joke, who i
s doing this?" The man in the suit looks at him, "You prefer your house to be he
ated at exactly 68 degrees." Mr. Teloni stands up and starts to leave the parks,
and the man in the suit starts to talk loudly, "I know that you fix horse races
at the track downtown. That way you and the other rich bastards can steal money
from every average man that bets. You're making money off the unsuspecting publ
ic. Stealing money form unsuspecting, honest men like me." Mr. Teloni fearfully
starts to run towards the exit. The suit man starts to yell, "This time, Mr. Tel
oni, you screwed over the wrong person!" The man in the suit slowly stands and s
tarts after Mr. Teloni, and he reaches into his pocket grabbing the gun.
6
Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machi
nery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding a
nd it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of
bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John s door. He opened it to find a man with a ca
rpenter s toolbox. I m looking for a few days work he said.
Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I
help you?
Yes, said the older brother. I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that
farm. That s my neighbor, in fact, it s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river l
evee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite m
e, but I ll go him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence - - an 8-foot fence so I won t need to see his plac
e or his face anymore.
The carpenter said, I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the
post hole digger and I ll be able to do a job that pleases you.
The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the material
s ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day
measuring, sawing, nailing, and hammering.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all.
It was a bridge a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A f
ine piece of work handrails and all and the neighbor, his younger brother, was c
oming across, his hand outstretched.
You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I ve said and done.
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middl
e, taking each other s hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on
his shoulder.
No, wait! Stay a few days. I ve a lot of other projects for you, said the older brot
her.
I d love to stay on, the carpenter said, but, I have many more bridges to build.
7
A couple of years ago at a work Christmas party I had more than enough at the ha
ll it was held in but I decided to go clubbing with the others where I insisted
on joining in the drinking competition. Of course being female and having drunk
too much already I was unable to walk properly pretty quickly.