Sep 20, '09 11:01 PM

How to talk so he'll listen

for everyone
Every woman on the planet has experienced the maddening feeling that they’re being tuned out
by the guy in their life. Well, I stumbled on a fascinating little piece of biology that may unlock
the doghouse door for men everywhere: Studies show that men have an easier time processing
the sound of other men’s voices than they do women’s voices. But that doesn’t mean you’ll
never be heard! Here are four easy ways to penetrate the male brain.

TALK SIDE BY SIDE

If you’re broaching a potentially sticky subject (stuff like your wanting to get married, or his
partying too much), avoid a face-to-face conversation. “Although it seems counterintuitive,
insisting on eye contact while hashing out an issue can actually make the problem worse,” says
Scott Haltzman, M.D., coauthor of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. Looking him
directly in the eye can make him feel threatened—and when confronted, men instinctively kick
into survival mode, triggering a fight-or-flight response. To put him at ease, talk to him while
you’re doing something side by side—walking, driving, eating dinner together on the sofa.

CUT TO THE CHASE

According to a study recently published in the journal NeuroImage, the male brain interprets
men’s voices as speech and women’s voices as music. That’s why he can easily focus when one
of his buddies drones on about some lame computer game, yet has to work overtime to
concentrate on your b---- -of-a boss tale. To ensure that he hangs on your every word, make your
point as quickly as possible. “Men want to get to the bare bones of the matter,” Haltzman says.
“So grab his attention by using direct statements such as ‘Here’s why I’m upset’ or ‘The bottom
line is this.’”

LET HIM KNOW YOU NEED TO VENT

When you’re telling your guy about your backstabbing best friend and he looks confused, it’s not
because you’re not explaining yourself clearly or he’s slow on the uptake. Biological differences
make men innate problem solvers; the furrowed brow indicates that his mind is scrambling to
find a solution. “When a woman presents a man with a dilemma, he interprets this as a request to
fix her problem, not to simply listen,” Haltzman says. Clue him in by letting him know what you
need before you make your point. Try prefacing your story with “I just really need to get this off
my chest.” By telling him what you expect up front, he’ll know what to do and be able to give
you what you really want: his ear.
STROKE HIS EGO

If it seems like every time you ask him for a favor your words go in one ear and out the other,
you may need to butter him up more. Men are brimming with testosterone, which makes them
competitive, and compliments help them feel important and superior. Let’s say he never hangs
out with your friends. Feed his ego by saying something like “You’re so funny! Actually, my
friends could use some cheering up. Can you come out with us tonight?” The positive
reinforcement will challenge him to rise to the occasion, and the vote of confidence will make
him feel needed.