H-hello, all of you...fellow Americans.

My name is…​*more firmly* ​Dipper Pines (​ glare at

crowd) ​and I am here today to speak on ​*grimace* ​behalf of…​*gritted teeth* ​independent

presidential candidate ​(sigh and grimace again) ​Bill Cipher ​(gesture to poster)​...

Bill is--now, before I describe his greatness, I shall say, ​(stare straight ahead, take

on rehearsed, slightly robotic tone)

I am campaigning for the esteemed, all-knowing Muse of the greatest minds Bill

Cipher because I respect him as an associate and as a leader, truly believe he has

America’s best interests at his core, and because I am being paid real human money. That’s

it. Those are the only reasons. This is most assuredly not for humiliation or punishment for

standing up to him. And the lives, livelihood, or limbs of my f-family or close friends are

definitely not dependent on how well I do in this s...speech. Especially not my…​*sigh, slump,

whisper*​ ​twin sister. ​*whisper* ​Please. Help me.​ ​*pause, flinch* ​Ow, ow. ​Oh no, I was afraid

he did something like this. ​All right, Dipper...better go back to the script. ​Mabel’s life

depends on it.

*fake smile*​ Bill Cipher...m-may not be from around here, but he will give America

the...ahem, ​unique ​influence it has been waiting for! Ah-ha. Because weirdness and

strangeness need to be embraced and in a changing world, it may be the only way to, uh,

survive ​*stare*​. But that would be brushing aside all the amazing influence that Cipher has

already had on making our nation what it is! He may not be from America, but he was

there for its beginning! Heh. ​*try to be majestic*​ A little known fact about George

Washington is he has, of all people, CIPHER to thank for the existence of America! That’s

right! Out of his own desire as a clever person to help another clever person, Bill Cipher

shared what he knew with Washington, enabling our future first president to win the

Revolutionary War! Now, do you have a dollar bill with you? Okay, pull it out, and look at it.
See George Washington’s face? Now flip it over. Look on the left. Now look ABOVE the

pyramid. See that? Washington was so thankful that he named American currency after

Bill and put him on the one dollar bill! Right there! Yeah, bullshit. The real reason Washington

did it was to appease Bill after he- ​AIIEE! ARGH! *catch self on table* WHY is this

HAPPENING?! What-- No, I wouldn’t LIE to the American people! ​Sorry, folks, I got a little, uh,

off topic there! As I was saying,

This AMAZING significance already puts future President Cipher miles ahead of our

current president, who has no political experience! Only the greatest and most admired

people in America have been put on our money, and Bill Cipher is right on our one dollar

BILL! ​It was even NAMED after him! ​Definitely not the other way around! ​(Point hard)

SEE?! EXPERIENCE!! AHAHAHAhahahaha. ha. ​(look around)​ ​A-am I doing good?! Heheheh!

Our current president lies about practically everything, and you know why? ‘Cause

he lives in his own little world where he has wild fantasies about what he thinks is true! In a

world where trusted entrepreneurs are revealed to be reptilians, Bill Cipher will finally be

the ​“man”​ we need who always knows what is going on, because he has eyes everywhere!

Literally. ​He’s printed on everything because he can see through the eye of any image of

himself! The more dollar bills there are, the more power he has! ​OOWWW! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. hAHA, JUST a little joke folks! That was a joke! ​It’s NOT. BE AFRAID.

But yes, defense ​(or war)​ and security are very important to Mister Cipher!

Humans--people are always safer when the government is keeping a closer ​eye​ on them!

What’s more, when you elect Bill Cipher, he will bring with him his nigh-invincible army! ​Of

demons almost as crazy as him!

With President Cipher, scientific advancement will be the utmost priority! ​*ominous,

hand gestures*​ Russia is already building a portal that connects to other dimensions! The
Russians will be able to travel to other universes before America! And there’s

evidence--corroborated by Cipher himself--that North Korea is helping them! ​*yelling*​ And

the only way we can keep Kim Jong Un from taking over the multiverse is with Cipher’s

vast knowledge of theoretical physics that he is willing to share! ​*face in hands* O

​ h my

GOD I cannot believe i just said that!!

Our economy will invest in GOLD! That’s right, we will BUY GOLD! Gold remains

valuable when currency doesn’t, so America’s economy will thrive on top of all other

countries when the inevitable apocalypse comes.

*get gradually angrier and faster speaking* ​As you know, all people are created

equal! Right, America? Right! And, under Bill Cipher’s ​ leadership ​, he will treat all humans

absolutely equally as they deserve. ​Yeah. He’ll turn you all into equally semiconscious, equally

frozen statues of eternal human agony, ​ow ow ow *start hitting self* stop it STOP IT!

I’LL STICK TO SCRIPT! I’LL STICK TO SCRIPT!

In short, if you have any problem at all, Bill Cipher knows how to fix it. ​*mocking

tone, mumble* he’ll probably make it worse cause he’s a dick, yadda yadda.​ He’s been with

America since its venal beginnings, and knows more about it than ​anybody​, so it’s time

to...Make America Weird Again ​*halfheartedly pump fist*

…..Okay, NO. I can’t do this! ​*make sure to look at audience members* ​People.

Audience members. Everybody. Whatever you do, for the love of Axolotl DON’T VOTE FOR

THIS GUY. He’s crazier than the Joker, Bill is LITERALLY A DEMON, and he drives people to

madness for kicks! He JUST wants that portal to ​come to Earth​, and IF HE GAINS

PHYSICAL FORM IN OUR REALM ALL IS LOST. He’ll come and he’ll destroy the ​universe​ bit

by bit and laugh like it’s a college party, and all of you will be enslaved or turned into living

statues! He tortures people, he rips families apart, he’s a liar and a monster, a con artist,
he murders children, he ​AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!! OW, OW, OH MY GOD! FIRE! AM I ON

FIRE! DON’T HURT MY FAMILY! I’M SORRY! OH, GOD, PLEASE DON’T HURT MABEL!

NO! I WILL NEVER USE THE MIND CONTROL DEVICE! I WON’T MIND CONTROL

AMERICA! I WON’T LET YOU RUIN THIS WORLD! YOU WILL NEVER MAKE ME-

What has my life become….

TELEVISION AD SCRIPT! 

*Distorted America Music* 

aRE YOU TIRED OF HAVING humans who don’t know what they’re talking about IN OFFICE? LIKE THIS (easily 

manipulated) giant baby hobgoblin over here?  

Of course you are! Look at this idiot! He has no idea what’s going on! ​Show clip.  

Yeah, america! That’s why you’ll do great with me, bill cipher! I always know what’s going on!  

Are you tired of reptilians masquerading as trusted entrepreneurs while they sell your data to aliens? 

(get used to it! We need better security!) That’s where my own personal unstoppable army comes in! 

I promise to invest the American government’s money into buying gold! (Our economy won’t suffer when it 

comes time for the inevitable apocalypse!) 

I will make sure that our scientists work until we catch up and surpass all the other countries! (“The 

moon landing was faked to hide the truth that the moon doesn’t exist. It’s a two-dimensional disk hiding 

alien space surveillance.” --Bill Cipher) Russia and north korea are already working together creating an 

interdimensional portal! (Russians and north koreans will be able to travel to other universes! You don’t 

want them to be able to do that, do you america?) Fortunately, I already know what needs to be done to 

make one! I literally made the blueprints and calculations and everything! Vote for me and you won’t be in 

danger from This or this ever again (Just me and my friends!) And you’ll be able to go to other dimensions! 

(flip-a-dip-dip, That’s totally radical!) 

Under my ​rule​ presidency, all humans will be treated equally! (Every human makes an equally good 

semiconscious statue!) 

Look at all these guys! Do you really think they have any idea what they’re doing?  

I know exactly what i am doing 

You’re stupid if you think president corn silk over here can do a better job than me! (Show all the ways) 

He has no political experience! Your money was named after me! I’m literally on your dollar bill! 

I’m ​interdimensional​ independent presidential Candidate Bill Cipher, (LIAR MONSTER SNAPPY DRESSER) and I 

can fix all of your problems! Think of a problem! Right now! That’s right! I know how to fix it! (Just 

because i know how to fix it doesn’t mean i want to! I’ll probably have more fun making it worse!) And all 

you have to do is put your trust in me! 

Because i believe in things! Freedom! America! Amerifreedom! (“Western Democracy is a sham 

propped up by an elite cabal of the superrich” --Bill Cipher) 

Huh, what? Abortion? Wait...Oh, yeah, I’m all over that shit! ...Wait, safety procedures? Gives women 

more choice and control in their lives? Well, where’s the fun in that? Hey, is the microphone still on? 

I’m going to eat your family if you don’t vote for me!