ROALD DHAL’S THE LANDLADY

1. FX: HEAVY RAIN AND THUNDER. WET FOOTSTEPS

SPLATTER ON PAVEMENT

2. FX: MAIN CHARACTER SNEEZES AND STOPS

WALKING.

3. BILLY: (READING SIGN)Bed And Breakfast.

Only six pounds a night.

3. FX: RINGS DOORBELL AND DOOR IMMEDIATELY

OPENS BEFORE THE BELL FINISHES
RINGING

4. BILLY: (STARTLES) OH! (CALMS DOWN) You scarred

me back then (LAUGHS).

5. MUSIC: ENRICO CARUSO’S VESTI LA GIUBBA (PUT

ON THE COSTUME) CAN BE HEARD AT THE
BACKGROUND. IT PLAYS DISTORTEDLY
ON A RECORD PLAYER.

6. THE LANDLADY: (LAUGHS) Sorry about that. I’m usually

near the door just in case if
customers come in. This old bag of
bones’ hearing isn’t great as it used
to be.

7. BILLY: I was on my way to the Bell

and Dragon until I saw the notice
on your window.

8. THE LANDLADY: Yes, I know.

9. BILLY: I was wondering if you got a room

available for me.

10. THE LANDLANY: Please come inside, my dear. It’s all

ready for you.

11. BILLY: Why thank you.

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12. FX: FEET ENTER HOUSE AND THE DOOR
CLOSES. RAIN AND THUNDER FADES.
MUSIC UNDER.
1. THE LANDLADY: Come upstairs with me. I’ll take you to
your room.

2. FX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING ON A WOODERN

STAIRCASE

3. THE LANDLADY: So what brings you to this dandy town

of Bath, darling?

4. BILLY: I’m in town for a bank conference.

5. THE LANDLADY: Oooooh. We have a banker in our mist. I

say, you look rather young to be those
bean accountants.

6. BILLY: Well I was accepted to the Bank of

London’s Early Employment Program
last year. In fact, I’m at
Bath to meet the Branch Manager for a
franchise deal.

7. THE LANDLADY: Sounds like you are growing up too

fast, my dear. How time does fly
away from us all, doesn’t it? (FX:
CONTINUING FOOTSTEPS)

8. FX: DOOR CREAKS OPEN

9. THE LANDLADY: Here’s your room. This one is all

yours. I do hope you’ll like it,
Mister Perkins. It is Mister Perkins,
isn’t it?

10. BILLY: No it’s Weaver. Billy Weaver (FX: DROPS

SUITCASE).

11. THE LANDLADY: Mister Weaver. How nice. After you

finished unpacking, can you please
be a love and pop into the sitting room
on the ground floor. There’s a
guestbook I want you to sign. (ENRICO
CARUSO MUSIC UP AND FADED OUT).

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12. FX: SWITCHING RADIO STATIONS. STOPS IN THE
MIDDLE OF NEWS REPORT.

1. RADIO NEWSREADER: Despite their three year

disappearance, Scotland Yard
has found no evidence of
suspected murder while
friends and family are
hopeful the two young men are
still alive (GOING OFF).

2. FX: BOILING KETTLE AND RATTLING TEACUPS

3. THE LANDLADY: Would you like some tea, Mister

Wilkins?

4. BILLY: (OFF)Yes, please. And it’s Weaver.

W-E-A-V-E-R.

5. THE LANDLADY: Oh, of course it is! How silly of me. I

do apologise. In one ear and out the
other, that’s me. By the way, have
you met my beautiful pets, Mister
Weaver?

6. BILLY: (OFF) Eeerr…not yet, but I look forward

in seeing them.

7. FX: FOUR FOOTSTEPS. FIREPLACE SHIMMERS. THE

GUESTBOOK OPENS. PAGES FLICKER AND THE
PEN LID POPS OFF.

8. BILLY: (READS QUIETLY FROM BOOK)Christopher

Mulholland and Gregory W.
Temple?...

9. THE LANDLADY: (APPROACHING) Such charming boys.

10. BILLY: The names sound somehow familiar.

11. THE LANDLADY: (CLOSER) They do? How interesting?

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12. BILLY: I’m almost positive I’ve heard those
names before somewhere. Their
names sound connected like…
Churchill and Roosevelt. Are they
famous in any way?

1. FX: LANDLADY SITS ON BOUNCY SOFA.

TEA-TRAY ON TABLE. RATTLED GLASS
AND TEASPOONS.

2. THE LANDLADY: Famous? Oh no. I don’t think they were

famous (FX: STIRRING SPOON). But
they sure were extraordinarily
handsome, both of them. They were
tall, young and handsome, my dear, just
exactly like you.

3. BILLY: I’m almost positive I heard their names

somewhere. From the newspaper maybe? I
know’em but they’re leaving my
head at the moment.

4. THE LANDLADY: Leaving? My dear boy. Why they never

left. Mister Mullholland and
Mister Temple are still here.
(SIGHS) Oh Mister Temple.
There wasn’t a blemish on his body.

5. FX: HUGE ROARING THUNDER

6. BILLY: Excuse me?

7. THE LANDLADY: (FX: SIPS TEA AND SWALLOWS) Have you

seen my lovely pets, Basil and
Cherry yet? They’re full of life.

8. BILLY: You mean the parrot and the dog?

9. THE LANDLADY: Yes dear.

10. BILLY: Ummm…aren’t they’re only stuffed

animals? They sure look life like
though.

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11. THE LANDLADY: I stuff all my pets myself when they
pass away. It’s the only way they
will never leave. (FX: CUP PUT ON
TABLE)

12. MUSIC: ENRICO CARUSO CRYING FROM VESTI LA

GIUBBA