What is Marriage Counseling?

Throughout life, our personal and family relationships give us both joy and challenges. The
more we understand ourselves, our emotions, and behaviors, the better we can
communicate, manage stress, and function effectively around the important people in our lives,
including our spouse. A marital relationship between two people is one of the most significant
relationships a person will have in their lives. Every marriage has its ups and downs, or periods
of highs and lows. During the highs, a couple will feel connected, in love, and passionate about
one another. During a low period, a couple may be cold, distant, argue frequently, and may
even contemplate separating. These stages can be short-term, lasting a few weeks at a time, or
can be long-term phases that last years.

What is Marriage Counseling & Couples Therapy?

Marriage counseling, also called couples therapy, is a type of psychotherapy that emphasizes
improved relationship skills and conflict resolution. Sessions involved both partners, however,
the therapist may also wish to see each person separately as well. The specific treatment plan
will depend on the situation. But, whether it is marital problems, a tragedy in the family, or the
effects of an illness (such as substance abuse or depression) on the couple or family unit,
counseling sessions are designed to help individuals learn the tools they need to function
effectively within their relationships. Marriage and Family counseling is a very active type of
therapy, and members are often given assignments. For example: a couple may be given
communication exercises to practice at home and be expected to discuss their experience at the
next session.
Stages of Marriage
A marriage is not a stagnant relationship. Instead, they move through different phases that
nearly all couples experience. Each couple moves through the stages differently; however,
these are considered common marriage patterns:

Stage One: Passion

The passion stage of marriage happens at the beginning of the relationship as the couple meets
and falls in love. In this stage, also known as the honeymoon phase, is characterized by intense
romance and attraction. In a marriage, this stage marks the beginning of commitment, and you
start to establish trust, intimacy, and respect for one another. This stage is relatively short-lived,
lasting only for the very beginning of the relationship.

Stage Two: Realization

After the initial passion begins to fade, couples uncover what a more realistic vision of their
life together will look like. In the realization phase, each person begins to see their partner as a
human being, complete with flaws and shortcomings. As you begin to accept each other for
who you really are, you deepen your respect for one another and delve into revealing your
deepest needs and desires. This stage is not without its challenges, however. Disappointment
and conflict start to build, and couples must learn to navigate these changes together.

Stage Three: Rebellion

The rebellion stage is a time where each partner’s self-interest come back in full force, often
taking over the marriage and causing conflict. These conflicts are inevitable at this stage, and
they are characterized by power struggles where each partner strongly believes that they are
right. In this stage, a couple must learn to argue the right way; otherwise, anger and frustration
can cause major rifts in the marriage and lead to destructive behaviors.

Stage Four: Cooperation

When growing careers, children, and mortgages begin to enter the picture, a couple finds
themselves in the cooperation stage. This phase is a business-like arrangement where romance
and intimacy are put on the back burner so couples can work on managing their lives and
responsibilities. The cooperation stage can last up to 20 years, especially if a couple has
children.

Stage Five: Reunion

After children have left the nest, a couple can begin to enjoy security and stability that comes
from having fewer responsibilities. The couple rekindles their status as friends and lovers.
During this reconciliation, they rediscover the happiness that has been dormant during the
cooperation stage.
Stage Six: Explosion

In the explosion phase, a couple faces serious life situations, and they are challenged with
dealing with them together. There may be a death in the family, job loss, a financial crisis, or
life-threatening illness. During this time, the couple can become closer and find solace and
comfort together, or the explosion phase may drive them apart. This stage can occur at any
time in a marriage, and its unpredictability causes a major disruption of whatever other stage
the couple was currently in.

Stage Seven: Completion

The completion stage happens when children are grown, and couples enter retirement and
explore a new life together. The partners are very close in this phase and know each other inside
and out. After having weathered the ups and downs of marriage after several decades together,
couples in the completion stage can relax comfortably together and enjoy each other’s company
and companionship.

Reasons for Needing Marriage Counseling

As marriages move through the various stages and experience life’s challenges together, there
are many types of conflict that can occur. Some are minor arguments while others run deeper
and can drive a couple apart. The more serious conflicts are troubling as the couple may face
the uncertainty that they will find a resolution, or whether they even want to.

As a couple drifts apart, they may realize they want different things in life, one or more of the
partners may be unfaithful, or they may feel stuck with no way out of the rut. Before seeking
marriage counseling, one or more of the partners must identify that the marriage is in trouble
and they must decide together that they want to attempt to repair their broken relationship.
There are numerous benefits to marriage and family counseling, from improved
communication among family members to resolving deep-rooted emotional hurt.

The decision to seek marriage counseling is an important first step for a couple. When a couple
can admit that their marriage is in trouble, they can also realize that they may need outside help
from a third-party.
Types of Marriage Counseling

Marriage Counseling or Couples Therapy

Marriage counseling is not just for unhappy or struggling couples, couple’s therapy can be used
proactively to strengthen bonds and to gain a better understanding of one another. In addition,
before a marriage begins, premarital counseling can help couples achieve a deeper
understanding of each other and iron out differences before their wedding day. Couples that
seek therapy to improve a troubled relationship may be dealing with issues such as:

 communication problems
 financial problems
 sexual difficulties
 parenting challenges
 substance abuse
 anger management
 infidelity
 divorce
Please note: If you are in a situation of domestic abuse or violence, please contact the police,
a local shelter or a crisis center for emergency support. Click here for a list of hotlines that
can help!

Family Therapy

Family therapy can also be useful as a preventative technique to teach members how to handle
adversity before it begins. For example, newly blended families that have children from
previous marriages may benefit from family therapy to help all family members learn how to
live together respectfully.

Because the family is such an important part of a person’s social support network, family
therapy can be crucial for families in which there is illness or other similar problems. In general,
the better a family functions, the lower the stress level for the person with health problems.
Adults who grew up in poorly functioning families as children may benefit from individual
therapy that uses family therapy concepts, especially as they begin to form their own nuclear
families.

Parenting counseling is an important element of family therapy. Parenting is hard work and
can bring out a whole range of emotions and changes in a family or marriage – many of which
are positive and fulfilling while others can be very trying and challenging to deal with. A
marriage and family therapist can help parents talk through important issues and learn the
necessary skills to develop a healthy supportive relationship as a parent as well as a spouse.

Goals of Marriage Counseling

For many couples, the primary goal of marriage counseling is to save the marriage and stay
together. For others, there are specific issues that lead them to seek therapy. Marriage
counseling isn’t a quick-fix but is something that takes dedication and effort to achieve the
desired goals that brought the couple to therapy to begin with. Marriage counselors can assist
couples in:

Overcoming Infidelity

When one or both spouses are unfaithful, it may seem like an insurmountable challenge that
the couple can never recover from. If both parties are willing to try, however, marriage
counseling can assist couples in rebuilding trust and understanding the issues that led to
infidelity.

Improving Communication

It’s common for couples to run into challenges in communicating with one another, especially
when it comes to expressing emotions. Each person often assumes that the other should know
what they’re thinking or feeling, and will feel slighted or hurt when their partner doesn’t
respond the way they want.

Other times, one or both of the partners may feel ignored or that their partner isn’t attracted to
them anymore and may place these assumptions on their partner’s shoulders to fix without
communicating how they are feeling. When a person remains silent about their emotions, it can
turn into a serious communication problem.
Dealing with Addiction

Many couples struggle when one or both partners have an addiction. Addiction comes in many
forms, including drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography, or even shopping or spending money.
These are very serious challenges that can be extremely difficult to overcome, especially if the
person with the addiction cannot admit they have a problem or that they need help. Couples
counseling can help navigate these challenges within the marriage and can attempt to show the
addict that failing to seek help can be detrimental to the marriage.

Dealing with Difficult Parenting Situations

Children can put a significant strain on a marriage, particularly when there are extraordinary
circumstances, like behavioral problems, difficulties in school, illness, or mental health issues.
Families with challenging parenting situations are often characterized by the couple putting all
their effort into the well-being of the child while neglecting their marriage.

Rekindling Romance

Many couples seek marriage counseling simply because they want to become closer. Many
couples long for the days of the passion phase, especially after years of marriage and the reality
of the other stages of marriage. Marriage counseling can aid couples in seeing past daily
responsibilities so that they can bring some of the romance and lightness of the honeymoon
period back into their lives.

Resolving Conflicts and Resentment

Marriage and couple’s therapists can play an important role in helping couples get past
significant conflicts in their relationship. Many conflicts go beyond arguments and can form
deep roots that extend well beyond the surface of the marriage. When major conflicts go
unresolved, resentment begins to grow. When each partner is not able to communicate their
feelings of anger, bitterness, or resentment, the problems deepen. The couple can easily grow
further apart if they don’t take steps to address their issues and show a commitment to resolving
conflicts in the marriage.
Premarital Counseling
Premarital counseling, a specialized type of therapy usually provided by marriage and family
therapists, is believed to offer benefit to all couples who are considering a long-term
commitment such as marriage. Typically, the goal of premarital counseling is to identify and
address any potential areas of conflict in a relationship early on, before those issues become
serious concerns, and teach partners effective strategies for discussing and resolving conflict.

Partners seeking counseling before marriage may also find that premarital counseling can help
them better understand their expectations about marriage and address any significant
differences in a safe and neutral environment.

 Benefits of Premarital Counseling

 Who Offers Premarital Counseling?

 Challenges of Premarital Counseling

 What to Expect in a Premarital Counseling Session

Benefits of Premarital Counseling

Couples counseling can help intimate partners address concerns that arise in the course of their
relationship, but premarital counseling can help partners identify areas likely to cause conflict
later on—finances, child-rearing methods, career goals, and family dynamics, among others—
and either work through these issues in the early stages of the relationship, if possible, or
develop a plan to address them in the years to come. A study published in the Journal of Family
Psychology, which was conducted via radom telephone survey, showed couples who had
participated in some type of premarital counseling program were 31% less likely to divorce.

Find a Premarital Counselor

According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, well-known couples therapists who co-founded the
Gottman Institute, couples workshops and other premarital counseling can help partners form
and develop a healthy relationship from the beginning. Research from the Institute shows that
couples experiencing difficulty wait an average of six years before seeking professional help.
Premarital counseling is generally recommended for all couples, even those with a relationship
untroubled by significant issues. Beginning a commitment such as marriage with couples
counseling is not only helpful because it can help each partner address their thoughts, concerns,
and expectations for the partnership, but also because it can help couples feel more at ease with
therapy if they experience difficulty later on.

In premarital counseling sessions, couples have the chance to explore topics like finances,
children, and intimacy—three areas where many couples experience challenges. Partners can
also develop communication and conflict resolution skills and address any fears they might
have about marriage, whether these concerns result from one's personal relationship
history, family background, or otherwise.

Who Offers Premarital Counseling?

Seeing a couples counselor can help partners prepare for marriage or other long-term
commitment, and many licensed marriage and family therapists provide premarital counseling
as a part of their practice. Intimate partners seeking premarital counseling may choose to seek
counseling with a therapist, attend a workshop or group therapysession, or participate in a
community program. Self-help books, DVDs, and other resource materials are also available
to those who do not wish to attend therapy sessions and/or who do not have access to premarital
counseling.

Some religions require or strongly encourage engaged couples to participate in premarital

counseling before marrying. This type of premarital counseling is generally faith-based, and
religious leaders may act as counselors, whether or not they are trained as therapists.

Challenges of Premarital Counseling

Premarital counseling may pose challenges for some individuals, and couples may initially
avoid or dread counseling out of fear or anxiety over what issues may be revealed. Difficult
topics or areas of significant concern may be raised in counseling sessions. Some couples may
be discussing their individual values and beliefs or ideal partnership rolesfor the first time.
While bringing differences of opinion up for discussion may help some address and
successfully resolve them in therapy, others may decide certain issues are irreconcilable and
choose not to marry.

Therapy offers participants a safe space to discuss concerns, but hearing a partner raise issues
or express thoughts about the relationship and the role of both partners in that relationship may
lead to hurt feelings or generate conflict. Being truthful about relationship doubts, expectations,
or goals for the future may lead to short-term conflict between partners, but many partners are
able to work through this, with the help of a therapist, and begin their partnership with a strong
foundation.

Not every couple may be able to access premarital counseling. Some LMFTs may accept
insurance; others may not. Some community centers or hospitals may offer low-cost counseling
services. Doctors or other health care professionals may also be able to provide information
about low-cost counseling resources. Premarital counseling also requires a time commitment,
and busy couples may find it difficult to make the time for counseling. Some therapists may
offer flexible scheduling.

When both time and money are constraints, many self-help books, DVDs, and audio materials
can also serve as a form of premarital counseling. Many of these resources are authored by
mental health professionals, though they are not intended to replace professional counseling.

What to Expect in a Premarital Counseling Session

Premarital counseling may differ by therapist. Some therapists may choose to see each partner
individually for a session or two, while others may work with the couple as a unit throughout
the length of therapy. These individual sessions offer the therapist the chance to work with each
partner to identify and address any concerns, strengths, and weaknesses in the relationship.
Doing so individually in the beginning may help each partner be able to speak more realistically
and openly about their goals for their partnership.

Each partner will also have the chance to describe their ideal marriage and any steps they have
taken toward that goal or any challenges they see barring its achievement. In joint sessions,
partners can discuss these issues together and, with the help of the therapist, explore ways to
cope with these and any other challenges that may develop over the course of the marriage.

Some counselors help couples develop what is known as a Couples Resource Map. This helps
each partner identify resources to turn to when faced with challenges, both as individuals and
as a couple. In therapy, couples may also discuss warning signs of concerns and develop a plan
of action to utilize if these concerns arise. This plan may include steps such as turning to
individual resources, seeking counseling, or seeking spiritual guidance.

The act of participating in premarital counseling can be a positive beginning to a partnership

such as marriage because of the commitment each partner has to counseling and improving and
strengthening a relationship.
Everything You Need To Know About Premarital Counseling

While you’re planning your wedding, are you also preparing for your marriage? According to
a survey published in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples with premarital education
reported higher levels of marital satisfaction and experienced a 30 percent decline in the
likelihood of divorce over five years. (This topic is especially timely because Colorado has
proposed a ballot that would require engaged couples to complete premarital counseling before
they’re legally allowed to wed.)

If you’re getting married in a house of worship, then you might already have faith-based
marriage classes booked in your schedule, since some churches and synagogues mandate them.
And if you’re not among the engaged couples required to get counseling, then you may be
curious about whether or not it’s worth taking the plunge.

Here, get a comprehensive look at how an accredited counselor can help you build a solid
foundation for your future together. Also, find out what you should discuss with your future
spouse before walking down the aisle.

The Benefits of Marriage Counseling

Creating positive marriage resolutions. It’s easy to get emotional when discussing heavy-
duty topics like money, sex, and kids. An experienced counselor can help guide the
conversation and prevent you and your partner from going off on a tangent, thereby losing
focus and not accomplishing anything.

Learning (or improving) conflict resolution skills. If you’ve had some major tiffs or
blowouts in the past (and who hasn’t?) then you both know how you tend to react during
arguments, whether it’s wielding the silent treatment and pouting or yelling and name-calling.
If you’re being honest with yourself, then there’s probably room for improvement. A counselor
will teach you how to listen and communicate more effectively; more specifically, they’ll also
tell you what to say (and not say) in order to reach a happy solution.

Getting realistic expectations about timing. For example, if you come to an agreement that
the kids topic is off the table for two years, then you won’t be left anxious or frustrated when
you want to delve into that plan and your partner isn’t ready. This also applies to major
purchases like buying a house.
Avoiding toxic resentments. Clear the air about resentments you’ve been hanging onto
throughout your relationship. A counselor will help you resolve these issues and free
yourselves from them so that they don’t cause massive damage later on in your marriage.

Dismantling fears about marriage. One or both of you might come from a divorced family,
or from a dysfunctional background where fighting and manipulation was the norm. Premarital
counseling can teach you how to make peace with your past and break the cycle.

Identifying the “seeds” of future marital stress. With an experienced outsider’s perspective,
you can learn which behaviors and habits you need to adjust or quit cold turkey.

Address any Concerns You Might Have

Money. Counseling sessions can be pricey and you might not be able to shift your budget to
make room for this investment. Ask your wedding coordinator or officiant to help point you
toward free or low-cost counseling resources like a community clinic or teaching hospital. In
addition, you can check out the American Psychological Associationor the National
Association of Social Workers to find affordable counselors located within your area.

Time. Classes will take a chunk out of your schedule so if you both put in long hours at work
and your weekends are packed with activities, it can be a challenge to make and keep
appointments or be fully present and engaged when you’re in them. In spite of this, it still might
be worth your time to do it.

Fear of unearthing additional problems. It can be unnerving to begin the process of

premarital counseling because you and/or your groom might worry that examining your
relationship under a microscope can lead to more stress and issues. In fact, although this can
be hurtful in the short term, it can be very helpful in the long run.

Being humbled. It’s neither easy nor fun to learn that you have less-than-stellar
communication skills or find out that your groom isn’t happy with your sex life. Even
something as simple as hearing that he’d like more decompression time when he gets home
from work can make you feel scolded, so you need to be prepared for some tough truths. It’s
important for you and your future spouse to remove your egos from the equation and allow
yourselves to be open to constructive criticism, with the knowledge that in the process, you’ll
become a better husband and wife.
Remember this: As challenging as premarital counseling can be, it’s all for the best and
you’re putting in the effort that’s required to make your marriage work.

How to Make the Most Out of Your Sessions

Accept that it’s going to be challenging at times. It’s a mistake to think that marriage
counseling is just a scheduling session for when you’ll have kids, or buy a house, or move to
an island when you retire.

Remember that the goal is not to “win.” Both partners need to keep an open mind and be
willing to change things that aren’t working.

Keep your sessions completely private. Don’t chat with bridesmaids, your mother, or anyone
else about the things you’ve discussed, and don’t even think about posting anything on
Facebook that could embarrass your partner. Trust is essential to improving upon any
relationship and 100 percent discretion is necessary.

Express gratitude to your partner. Tell your future spouse that you’re thankful they’re
willing to attend counseling with you and for the great work you’re doing together.

While it’s a great advantage to have a professional counselor guiding you, you might find that
it’s easier if you just discuss all the hot topics and future plans in the comfort of your own
home. Use the following questions to get the conversation started about your expectations,
hopes and values.

Questions to Ask Your Future Spouse

Values:

 How will we handle conflict?

 What are our zero-tolerance hot buttons (e.g. financial dishonesty, infidelity, drinking
too much, gambling)? What are the repercussions of those missteps?

 What are the most important values that we’ll keep in our relationship?

Career:

 What are our career goals (e.g. getting a second job or traveling more) and what will it
take for us to reach them?
  Do either of us plan to change careers, and if so, how will we adjust our lifestyle and
budget to allow for a potentially lower household income?

 During busy times, will we be working late at night? On weekends? During vacations?

Finances:

 What is our current financial situation, including our total debt, savings and retirement
funds?

 How big of an emergency fund do we need to live well if one of us is out of work, or if
we have an unexpected expense?

 What is our monthly budget?

 What can we establish as our individual “fun money” funds, and do we want to inform
each other when we tap into them?

 Who will pay for which of our household expenses and bills?

Intimacy:

 Are we happy with our current lovemaking schedule, or do either of us want more?

 If we’re not having as much sex as we would like, is it a matter of time or energy, and
what can we do to remedy those barriers?

 What’s the best way for each of us to express that we’d like more sex?

 Do either of us want more romance? If so, what exactly are our most wished-for
romantic gestures? More kissing? More hugs? Romantic dinners?

Kids:

 When do we want to have kids?

 How many kids do we plan to have?

 If for some reason, we can’t have children, will we pursue adoption?

 Will one of us stop working after we have children, and how will that affect our lifestyle
and finances?

 What do we want our children to learn from our relationship?

  Will we raise our kids with religious beliefs and traditions?

Religion:

 What are our independently-held or shared religious beliefs?

 Would we like to re-connect to a religious or spiritual community?

 What are our spiritual beliefs and practices, and how will we include them in our life?

 If we each have different religious beliefs, how will we maintain our own traditions and
combine them, if possible?

Household Duties:

 Who will be responsible for which household chores?

 Can we revisit our job division list in a few months, if either of us is unhappy with the
balance of effort needed?

 Do we have strong needs for our home to be spotless, or is a little bit of clutter okay?

 Who will be responsible for meal-planning and meal preparations during the week and
on the weekends?

 Do either of us need and enjoy alone time? How will we make that happen?

Family Involvement:

 How often will we visit our parents on a regular basis? Every weekend, or once in a
while?

 How will we divide the holidays fairly between our parents?

 How will we deal with our respective family dramas?

 How often will we vacation with our families, if ever? And if it’s not something one of
us loves to do, how can we compromise (e.g. leaving after three days instead of staying
the week)?

Social Life:

 How often will we spend time with our friends? Will we keep our regular Friday night
happy hour plans with them or adjust to once a month or so to give us more time
together as a couple?
  How will we deal with each other’s friends we don’t like very much?

 If a friend asks to stay at our house while they’re in town, or if they’re out of work, how
will we handle that?

 How often will we have date nights?

 How often do we want to vacation together?

Hold on to this list and review these questions again in six months or so after your wedding,
when you’ve adjusted to being married, to see if any of your responses and feelings have
changed.

12 Topics You MUST Discuss Before Getting Married

Ever wonder what you need to talk about before you get married? As a marriage counselor
offering premarital counseling for many years, I have selected these as the most important
topics along with questions for you to explore before you walk down the aisle. Trouble
discussing any of these issues might suggest to you that sitting down with a premarital
counselor could be helpful. Don’t hesitate to start off on the right foot as you build your
relationship to last a lifetime.

If I can be of help, please don’t hesitate to reach out, especially if you’re in the NYC, Midtown
Manhattan or Westchester areas of New York. You can contact me directly at 914-548-
8645. I’m happy to offer you a free consultation to explore what we can do together.

1. Meaning of Your Marriage Commitment

A. Describe what commitment means to you as you make plans to walk down the aisle?
B. Of all of the persons in your life that you have met and could have married, why are you
choosing your partner?
C. What attracted you to your partner initially and what do you believe your partner will
help you become?

2. Your Life Long Goals

A. What do you hope to achieve in the near future and the distant future regarding your
career?
B. How do you plan to care for your community alone or separately?
C. Do you hope to leave a legacy after you die?

3. Your Mutual Expectations

A. What do you expect from a marital partner regarding emotional support during exciting
times, sad times, periods of illness and job loss?
B. Will you set aside one night just to be together alone to catch up with each other and have
fun?
C. What size house is important and in what kind of neighborhood do you hope to live in
both now and in the future?
D. Are you both clear how much alone time the other needs?
E. How long does your partner need to spend with friends separately and together?
F. Do you agree how much time is appropriate to give to work?
G. Do you both expect to support the family financially and will that be different when kids
arrive?
H. Are you both comfortable with the salary differential between you?
I. How will you deal with times when one or both of you has reached a midlife career point,
and you need to change some aspects of your life?

4. Your Living Arrangements

A. How do you plan to live together?

B. Where will you live after the arrival of children?
C. How do you determine if a new career path or job is reason enough to move?
D. Do you hope to live in the same house or area for a long time?
E. Will you need to be close to your parents either as you get together now or as they get
older?

5. Will you have children and if so how many?

A. When do you plan to start a family?

B. How far apart would you want your kids to be in age?
C. Would abortion ever be acceptable before or after that?
D. What kinds of philosophies did your parents have about child raising and do you agree or
disagree?
E. How do each of you intend to shape your children’s values
F. What kinds of punishment are appropriate or not appropriate?
G. What kinds of expectations do you each have about money spent on toys, clothes, etc.

6. Money

A. Will you have separate or joint checking accounts or both?

B. If you do have different accounts, who will be responsible for which expenses?
C. Who will pay the bills?
D. Do you agree to have full financial disclosure about each of your personal financial
situation at all times?
E. How will strong disagreements about spending money be resolved?
F. Is there any debt that either partner has incurred before the marriage (ex. college or
graduate school loans or credit card debt).
G. What amount of available money does each of you need to have to feel comfortable?
H. Will there be a savings plan for the first house?
I. Do you plan to keep trading houses as you can afford it?
J. How much credit card debt or home equity loan debt is acceptable?
K. Agreement about taking care of financial needs of parents if likely?
L. Do you plan to send your kids to private or parochial school?
M. What will be the plans for children’s college education?
N. When do you hope to begin savings for retirement?
O. Will you use a financial planner?
P. Who will complete the taxes?

7. Parents and In-laws

A. How much time does each of you need to spend with your parents and how much do you
expect your partner to join you?
B. How do you plan to spend holidays?
C. What will be the holiday expectations of each of your parents and how will you deal with
those expectations?
D. What kind of support do you expect from your partner when the parents are putting
pressure on you?
E. Is it OK for either of you to talk with parents about the problems of the relationship?
F. What kind of relationship do you expect your kids to have with your parents?
G. Do you anticipate that you will ever want a parent to live with the two of you when you
grow old?

8. Gender Role Expectations

A. What did your parents model for you concerning who did what in the family?
B. Did you feel that was fair and do you expect something different?
C. Does each of you have some preferences that might be unrelated to gender?
D. How will you deal with household or yard maintenance? How will you divvy up these
responsibilities or hire someone?
E. Do both of you expect to work if you have children?
F. When the children get sick, how do you decide who stays home with them?

9. Do you agree on issues around erotic moments together?

A. How often do you want to enjoy an intimate evening with each other?
B. How do you intend to resolve differences in sexual preferences?
C. Can you work out an agreement about how to deal with differences in frequency of sexual
desire?
D. Are there certain things that are clearly off limits?
E. Do you agree to talk about your sexual concerns at a time when you both are feeling
creative and relaxed and not during sex?

10. How will you resolve heated conflicts?

A. What can you learn about how your partner likes to deal with conflict based on their
experience in their family of origin.
B. What feels comfortable to each of you, as your partner gets upset?
C. Can either of you ask for a time out to calm down and be creative in your problem-
solving?
D. What rituals will you develop to reach out to each other after a big fight?

11. Spiritual Life

A. What does spirituality mean to each of you?

B. What kind of participation do you expect in each other in some form of spiritual
community?
C. How will you share what means something to you with them?
D. Will your children be expected to attend any regular services or religious education?
E. Will the children go through certain rituals such as baptism, christening, first communion,
confirmation, bar or bat mitzvah?

12. Agreement about extramarital relationships/affairs

A. Do you want to establish from the beginning that affairs are not an option?
B. Do you agree that affairs of the heart are equal to a sexual infidelity?
C. Will you talk to your partner about someone that you feel drawn to as a colleague or
erotically since this can build the bond between you and your partner rather than the
outside person?
D. Will you commit to never talking to a person of the opposite sex (except a therapist or
clergy) about your relationship with your partner since this builds a bond outside of your
relationship.