Jason Jimenez

English 101

Professor: Ms. Batty

29/May/2018

Revision Reflection

In my Rhetoric essay I revised it by making some changes. To begin, I fixed the three

points in my thesis statement by making each point more specific, and reorganized them. My

original three points were pain, oppression, and frustration. My new revised points are social

oppression, emotional pain, and a dire need for a resistance. Then, I restructured my three body

paragraphs in the same order as my thesis statement; they are organized from weakest to

strongest, respectively. In each of the three individual body paragraphs, I deleted or combined

any repeated sentences, and deleted unnecessary sentences. I also, edited and changed the

sentences in each paragraph to include the newly specified point of each paragraph. Also, fixed

the quotes I used from "Picture This," by Molly Bang, by better structuring and elaborating the

quotes. The third body paragraph I feel I had to do the most work on because the word I used for

my third point didn't fit what I was trying to express. I used the word "frustration," but it didn't

correctly define the message I was trying to elaborate. Therefore, I changed it to a phrase "dire

need for a Resistance," and then rewrote my paragraph, but keeping the key points that led me to

the idea of fighting oppression. In my original oppression paragraph, I deleted the repetitive

sentences that mention pain and agony or depression. I also, changed the description of the

mural. The last thing I did was change all the examples I had about how the Hispanic

Community feels socially oppressed. My new examples include "ICE," and the LAPD and how
they oppress the communities. In my original pain and agony paragraph I changed the way I

describe the mural. Also, delete sentences that were unnecessary, like, sentences in which I talk

about how the community feels pain. In the frustration paragraph, I deleted all the sentences

mentioning frustration, but I kept all the main points. I felt and knew the idea I was trying to

express but didn't know the right words. Then while researching I found Resistance Movements

and I felt it correctly represented the idea that I had. The thought of revolt. My conclusion

paragraph, I fixed a few things rewrote some. Overall, I made some huge changes made more

research. I fixed the work cited page and corrected my citation.