A Typical Lover’s Quarrel

Characters
Daniel Stevenson: Man in early thirties, husband to Marie
Stevenson, ignorant
Marie Stevenson: Woman in late twenties, wife to Daniel
Stevenson, angry
Walter: Middle aged man, lives alone, neighbor to Marie and
Daniel Stevenson
Cops: 2 mid-thirties Men or Women, athletic build.

FADE IN:
Setting:
It's around 11:00 p.m. on a Sunday night. Daniel Stevenson has
just come home from work.

Daniel:
(Coming inside to a dark living room) Hey sweetie. (Sees wife
lying on couch) I thought I would never meet my report quota
today. (Reaches for wife, starts kissing fake wife)

Marie:
(Clears throat to gain Daniel's attention)

Daniel:
(Freaked out by the sound of his wife.)(Shocked) It's not what
it looks like! I thought she was you.

Marie:
(Reaches for fake wife showing Daniel)You thought this was
me?!?!

Daniel:
(Sees that he was kissing a fake woman)What? I...I...I thought
it was real. I mean, it felt so…

Marie:
(Disgusted) Ugh. I don't want to hear it you good-for-nothing
unloyal creep.

Daniel:
(Shocked and appalled) You can't honestly call this cheating! I
mean c'mon, it's not even real.(Grabs fake wife)

Marie:
(Grabs fake wife back) No Daniel. Luckily for you this is not
cheating.
 Daniel:
(Relieved) Good.

Marie:
(Quickly) However, this certainly suggests something has been
going on here.(Holds up a bra that doesn’t belong to her)

Daniel:
(Tries to approach Marie) Honey, those were supposed to be a
surprise. I know how you love the Victoria's Secret brand.

Marie:
(Looks unamused, turns the bra over revealing a tag labeled
Amber)

Daniel:
(Under his breath) Dangit.

Marie:
Care to explain. (Pause) Daniel.

Daniel:
Honey… I- You- we- I love you.

Marie:
You love me? Oh really Daniel? Funny. Since when does some other
woman’s bra scream “I LOVE MY WIFE.”

Daniel:
Amber is just a new brand of-

Marie:
Oh don’t bother! She emailed you a few hours ago. So did
(Disgusted) Stephanie.(Holds up laptop)

Daniel:
Okay honey look-

Marie:
You know what, Daniel? Save it for some dumb broad who will
never put in the effort to find out what a scumbag you are.

Daniel:
Hey! Amber and Stephanie are very intelligent woman. Amber is
the top of her class.

Marie:
Yeah, in high school!

Daniel:
(Matter of factly) Well, Stephanie is a pharmacist.

Marie:
No, she works at a CVS as an backup to the secretary Eileen that
steals xanax and takes them on the job. They don’t even fire
Eileen and give Stephanie the position because Eileen still
speaks more coherently on the phone than Stephanie.
(Pause)

Daniel:
Huh, this whole time I have really misunderstood the meaning of
the word pharmacist.

Marie:
Daniel you are such an idiot, such a disgusting person, I can’t
believe I trusted you.

Daniel:
I am not an idiot.

Marie:
Well, at the very least I never should have married you!

Daniel:
That's probably true.

Marie:
Now that I think about it, I should've married RICK!

Daniel:
Rick? Dumb brick Rick. Really! I knew you still had the hots for
him!

Marie:
Well at least I don't have the hots for any living girl younger
than my wife!
(Loud banging on door)

Marie:
Oh great! Maybe it's Amber or Stephanie wanting a piece of dirty
Dan.

Daniel:
You're being ridiculous!

Marie:
I'm being ridiculous? Listen here you sly sleazy son of a-

(Loud banging)

Walter:
Hey! Open up!

(Daniel opens the door. Walter enters)

Walter:
Daniel, what’s going on? Do you know what time it is?

Daniel:
I’m sorry about the noise. It’s just that I've got-

Walter:
(Looks past Daniel and sees Marie) Oh. You know what? Forget
about it, I understand. (Walks towards Marie) You must be
Yolanda.

Daniel:
(Trying to stop Walter, eyes wide) No no no no no…

Marie:
(Furious) Yolanda? There’s another one!

Walter:
Another one? (To Daniel) Another one?

Daniel:
Baby, listen...
Walter:
(Chuckling with surprise) Wow Daniel. (Turns and sees Marie’s
angry look and crossed arms)I mean (morbidly) wow, Daniel.

Marie:
You know what? It doesn’t even matter how many people you’ve
been cheating with. Because I looked a bit deeper into your
little girlfriends, and I found out some pretty interesting
stuff, Daniel. (Begins closing in on Daniel) See, not only do I
know that Stephanie works at the CVS and really interns in
thieving medication more than being a receptionist, but I also
know that she’s been getting you whatever drugs you want(Holds
up unlabeled pill bottles, smiling) I found them in your closet.

Daniel:
(Stammering) B-babe it’s not what it looks like, I promi-

(Walter begins to back out of the conversation awkwardly)

Marie:
(Chuckling) For God’s sake just shut up, Daniel. I also happen
to know that Amber is only 17, and I also know that she was
arrested for possession of an unlabeled pill bottle from CVS
full of a highly regulated substance that she had no
prescription for, just like the ones you have a ton of. Funny,
right?

Daniel:
Just listen, I swear I can explain everything. I know I made
some huge mistakes but-

Marie:
(Demandingly) List them.

Daniel:
(Confused) List...what?

Marie:
Your (using finger quotes) ”huge mistakes.”

Daniel:
Cheating on you, lying, doing drugs and giving them to Amber,
everything.

Marie:
Well, you’re mostly right. Your biggest mistake was thinking I
wouldn’t hold you accountable. (Closes in on Daniel further, he
backs away defensively toward the door) Not only are we getting
divorced as soon as possible, but losing me is far too little of
a consequence for you apparently. So, on top of that..
(Walter opens the door of the apartment and a cop enters. Daniel
is startled as the cop approaches and handcuffs him.)

Cop:
You’re under arrest, sir.

Daniel:
(Looking around in shock) Wh-what!?

Walter:
(Pulls a hidden microphone wire from under his shirt) You just
admitted to several serious crimes, and there is plenty of
evidence on top of that. (Pats Daniel on the shoulder
condescendingly) Sorry bud!

Daniel:
(Angrily)You betrayed me!

Walter:
Ha! You know, for someone with such little loyalty I’d expect
you to understand what betrayal really is.

Daniel:
(Frantically) Marie, please, I can’t go to jail, I-

Marie:
Oh Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. See, Amber is lucky she’s 17 in one
aspect, because even though predatory addiction enablers like
you exist, at least her parents can come to her rescue and bail
her out when she gets in trouble.(Sees Daniel smiling at her
optimistically, smiles back) But you will not see a penny from
me, and you’ll serve as long as they sentence you for, unless
you can somehow manage to convince someone to help your scummy
self out. (Cups the side of Daniel’s face) And trust me,
darling, (Daniel smiles anxiously again) the court will not be
as lenient on you as it was on Amber. You’re not nearly as
pretty as she is. (Pushes his face away from her)

(Marie and Walter head towards the exit as another cop enters
and begins collecting the evidence present)

Daniel:
Marie, no, please! Please! (Begins tearing up, speaking in a
choked up voice) I can’t believe she said Amber is prettier than
me! (Begins crying more intensely)

FADE OUT
END