uat u a

‘
an : t am m o:

Caryri g m . 1 935 . by Th e Mar k Twai n Co m a m ,

ri n ed in h Uni ed S um f A i
P t t e t o m er eo

A ll ri h in am b k
g t: d oo are reeerve .

N par
o f h
t o boo kt e b re r ad e
-
m d i y e e t e n a ,
mu wh
m awi h “
eoever ri en t ! w tt

F i for a ion dd u
or n m t o ee

H ar per B ra ke c n

l t l l i C D I Y I O l
 C O NT ENT S

F O RE WORD
C W
. AND T H E M
1 TH E R I V E R I NES

I I TH E SA ND WI C H I S LAN DS
.

LI I H O N O L UL U
.

IV . H O N O L UL U TO SAN F RA N C I sC O
V . A G R I MVOY AG E TO N EW Y OR E
VI . B EG I N N IN G A LITERAR Y EEOC H

VII . ATM N S CO N S TA NTIN O P L E EP H EEUE

, ,

VI II . SY R IA AN D TH E H O LY LAN D
IX . SUP P LE ME NTAR H O LY L AN D Nom s
Y

X . EGY P T AN D H O ME
XI . NoTEs SAN F RAN C I SC O TO NEW Y OR K
,

XII . A TR I P TO B ERMUD A
XIII . NOTE S L I TE RAR AN D OTH ER WI EE
,
Y

XIV . NOTE S F O A NEW B OO

R K

A MERI C A A G AIN
MI s S I S S I PP I R IV ER 1 882
,

I Nm s I 883
'

i i .
,

XVI II TH E G M T B OO K
.

X T URB ULE NT Y m s
.

WRI TI N G “
TH E Y
I . EUROP EA N R E S IDENC E
 C O N TENTS
C hapter
TH E WAY TO TH E COAS T
XXI II .

CEY LO N AND I ND IA
XXV .

XXVI . I N SOUTH AF RIC A

XXVI I . EN G LAND
XXV I I I . SU S Y
XXI X . LO ND O N D AY s
ON TH E CO N TINENT
I N V IEN NA
XXXI I E NG L AND AG AIN
.

XXXI I I B AC K IN AMERIC A
.

CLOS IN G Y EARS
 F O R EWO R D

A SUPER ST I T I ON, nu r s ed a nd nou ri s h ed by a n um b er

O f —
p e rsons most O f th em t oo young to h a ve know n
Ma rk Tw ain t oo pe rve rs e to acc e pt the s im p le and th e
,

obvious , i s th at bec a use O f restrictions laid u pon h i m b y

h is W i fe , by W D Ho wells , a nd l ate r by thos e to w hos e
. .

c a re h e t ru s ted his m anu s c ript s h e ha s not been pe r m i t

,

t e d t o h av e hi s s ay .

NOW t h is i s a good way from th e t ru th Mark T w ai n .

h ad h is say ; as m uch a s any au thor could h a ve it th i rt y , ,

forty fifty ye a r s ago Whe n rest ri cted a t a ll i t w as ch i e fl y

, .

t h rough his ow n exp ressed W ish to O bse rve th e c o n ven

tion s and convictions O f th a t more o rthodo x mor e ti mid ,

and del icate ( possibly more i m m a cul a te ) d ay ,

.

I t is t ru e; a s I h ave e lse w h e r e fr e el y s et down th a t

M
,
“
Howe ll s and especial l y
,
rs Clem e ns usu a l ly e dit e d
.
,
”

h is m a nuscri pts and i t i s a l so t rue that the manusc ri pts

,

p rofit e d a nd neve r I beli e ve s u ff e red th rough th e i r s ug

, , ,

gestions H is ow n t a ste wa s u n r e l i a bl e— a s u n r e l i a bl e as
.

that of any g eni us : he w as l ik e l y to mist a ke ch ea p b a n a l i

ti es fo r choic e bits o f hu mor His a dvis e rs p revail e d u pon
.

h i m to el i m in a t e o n occ a sion and kno wi ng th is a su s

, , ,

p ic io us m i norit y h,
a nk e ring fo r re ve l a ti ons call for Mark ,

Twain u nsupp r e ss e d u n e xpu rg a t e d u n e dited The t e

, , ,
.

sul t of s uch a p rocedu r e w ould b e rath e r dis m a l : the

el i mi n a tions woul d distu rb nobod y s refi ned se ns ibil ities’

th e y would do w orse : the y w ould s adden dis e ncha nt , ,

and bo re the re a d e r Some o f those t h at got by h is editor s

.

migh t bett e r h a v e b ee n s p a red .

M a rk T wa i n n e v e r w rot e for publ ication a nyth i n g sa

l a cions o r s u gg es ti ve o r bo rd e ri ng o n th e in de c en t He .

ii i
 F OR EW ORD
n eve r wrote anyt hi ng s u ggesti ve at all Wh at he s aid w as .

s tra ight from the s houlder He had been a p ri nte r a pilot

.
, ,

a Cal i forn ia mi ne r He had fed on strong meat he h ad a

.
,

robu s t i ma gi nation a nd a bette r com mand of An g l o S axon -

“
Engl i s h tha n any o the r man of h i s ti me b ut whe n he le t ,

h imsel f go a s he did t w o o r th ree ti me s i t wa s fo r

”
, ,
“
str i ctly p rivate con s u mption The now fa mou s I 6O I .
”

wa s written fo r th e a mu s ement o f no othe r pe rs on th a n

the Reverend Jo s eph T w ichell of Ha rtford Twi ch ell ,
.

s ent it to J oh n Hay w h o h ad it put in type an d a few

,

copi es s truck o ff Oth e r edi tions followed Ma rk Twai n s

. .
’

s ta tement th at he once s ub mi tted it t o a n edito r wa s

one of h i s j oke s He h ad not th e lea st de s i re to p re s ent
.

p ubl icly anyt hi n g of the s o rt He h ad a ki nd of chivalry

.

wh ich p revented hi s oe rin g to t he reade r s o f ano the r

fa mily th at w h i c h h e would not wis h o e red to h i s own .

A s pee c h wh ich he del ive red t o t he S tomach Cl ub in

Pa ri s anothe r o f h i s excu rs ion s i nto the forbidde n l and
, ,

was neve r put i nto type a nd i s n ot l ikely to be A few .

s quibs and ve r s es com plete the t ale of h is t r an sg re ss i ons ,

i f t h a t i s the w ord .

The m anu scripts p ri nted by Mark Twai n a fte r hi s

’
—
wi fe s death Wh at 1: a n and M
C apt ai n St orm field : ’

V i sit t o H ea v en —we re neithe r ve ry i m po rtant no r ve ry

o ffe ndi n g t o the o rth odox m i nd though they c ould h a ve
M
,

been s ay t w e nt y fi ve y ea r s e arl i e r The

, ,
-
ys t er io us .

S t ra n ger publi s hed by Ma rk Twa i n s l itera ry exe c u to rs

’
,

h i s dau g hte r a nd t he w rite r of these l i nes —w as not com

p let ed i n M r s Clemen
. s l i feti me Th a’
t s he woul d h ave
.

recogn ized it s great l ite ra ry val ue i s ce rtai n but i t con ,

t ain ed the s o rt of th i ng wh i c h i n a n ea rl ie r day s he h ad

fo u n d obj e c tionable .

A g ood w hile ago I w rote a biograph y of Ma rk Twai n .

I n th at b oo k I d rew briefly he re a nd the re u po n t he s et

of jo u rnal s d ia rie s or co mmonpl a c e books whi c h th rough
, ,

a pe r i od o f nea r ly fi fty yea rs he had kep t a n d wha t i s ,

IV
 F OREWORD

st i ll mor e r e m a r kable p re s e rved The s e l it tl e b oo k s a r e

, .

now o ffe red i n full A man i n h i s dia ry i f an yw he re can

h ave h i s s ay He i s talki ng to h i m s el f—hi s thought a nd
.
, ,

h is l an g ua g e a re s tric tly h i s own Some o f the th i ng s that

.

Ma rk Tw ai n s et down i n that p riv ac y w e re h a rdly s uited

to th e u nadorned cheek o f pol ite s oc i e ty i n that pu re r
p re wa r d a y No w all is ch ang e d Ho w tole rant the worl d
- . .

h a s g rown i n a few ye a rs A sp a de i s no long e r j ust a.

g a rden i mpl e ment : th e utte rance th a t t we nt y y ea rs a go

“
was rega rded a s too highly s e a soned for the gene r a l h a s ”

become its d a il y nou r ritu re .

I n hi s jou rnal Ma rk T wa i n recorded i n r a ndom ph r as e

,

a nd fa s h ion wh a te v e r seemed to h i m w orth noting Those .

expecting the s a l a cious a re l ikely to be dis a ppoi nted .

Those hoping for fu rtive i ndecencies a re c e rtai n t o be As .

al r ea dy s ugg e sted kl a rk T wa i n wa s noth ing i f not frank

, ,

a nd he w as a maste r of Angl o S a xon w ord a nd ph rase -

.

He ha d l ittl e t a ste for t he r e finem e nts o f sugg e stion I n .

th e pa g es th a t follo w he paus e s he re a nd th e re to fre e h i s

mi nd : pol iti cs rel igion the divi ne right o f ki ng s pe r s on
, , ,

alit ies h e h a s som e t h ing to say o f th e s e H e is not al way s

cons ist e nt—o nl y th e dul l m i nded a re th at—i ncons istency

.
,

bei ng o n e o f the ch ief a ttributes o f gods H e does n t al ’

wa ys a g ree with the w orld as h e finds it —it s conv e ntion s

.

and its f a ith s —h e d oes n t always agree W it h h i m s el f

’
.

, ,
—
Tra g edy comedy he re s y h i s notebook s m ake up the
record The entrie s whateve r thei r i nte rest o r l a ck o f it
—a re a s h e l eft them a nd the y b ring us about as nea r as
.
, ,

we sh al l ev er get to th i s re m a rkable man eas il y the mo s t ,

re m a r kable of h i s ti m e .

ALB ERT B I G ELow PAI NE

 CH A PT E R I

Th e R iver an d th e Mi ner

IN ONE of t he fi n al c hap t e r s o f The I n nocent: Abroad ,

Mark T wa i n tell s of a dia ry he once b e gan w ith th e new

“
yea r : W he n I w as a boy and a co n fi d in g and a wil l in g
p rey t o those i mpossible s chem e s O f reform which w ell
m eanin g old m aids and g randmothe rs set fo r th e feet of
un wa ry you th s at t h a t s ea s on o f t he yea r Plea s e ac .

cep t a n ex tr a ct
M d y—G ot up wa hed went t bed
on a s o

Tu d y—G o t up wa hed We nt t bed

, , .

er a , s , o .

Th e di a ry conti nued thi s l i ne th rou g h th e week or a t

lea s t u nt il F riday t h e n s kipp e d to th e next F riday a nd
, ,

fi n ally to t h e F rid ay o f th e followi n g month It seems to .

h ave been abandon e d then H e w as discou raged h e s ays

.
,
.

“
S ta rtl in g events appe a red to be t oo r a re i n my ca r e e r , ,

t o rende r a di a ry necessa ry I sti ll reflect wi t h p ri de

.
,

h oweve r t h at even at th at early a g e I was hed whe n I g ot

,

U p That j ou rnal fi ni s hed m e I neve r had the ne rve t o

. .

”
k eep o n e s i nce .

Th a t fin al s tatemen t i s t rue so fa r a s any fo rmal and

r e gu l a r dia ry i s conce rned Ma rk Twai n neve r kept a con
.

s isten t orde rl y jou rnal He wa s no t a s p ros aic a s th at

,
. .

B ut he was al w ays m a ki n g notes c a ptu ring the moment

—th e occu r rence th e them e th e pu rpose th e fancy th at
,

, , ,

fl itt ed th rough h i s m i nd : W h ateve r cam e a nd w ent i f h e ,

co uld g et hold of a notebook and pencil q u ickl y enough ,

be fi xed i t to his pa g e ; whe n he co uldn t he forgot and

’
,
 M A R K TW A I N
wa s p ro fa n e I t i s a lo ng re co rd for i t co ve rs i nt e rmit
.
, ,

t en t ly a bout fo rt y yea rs The only th ing u ni fo rm about

i t is th e fo rm —th e book s he kept it i n The re a re betwee n
.
,

th i rty a nd fo rty of them filled wi th h i s neat beautiful , ,

writin g s mooth and g ra c eful i n the be g i nn ing becom in g

, ,

a ngul a r a nd u nce rta i n w it h age Except for the t w o l i ttl e .

bl a ck bound rive r logs all a re ne a rly o f the s a me s ize and

-

styl e—book s to fi t th e pocket—b ufl l eathe r cove red du r - -

in g the ea rl y yea rs —l i m p mo rocco l ate r evidently made ,

to orde r w i th a p roj ectin g ea r o r fl an g e on ea c h leaf to

, ,

be t o rn 0 6 whe n u sed so t h a t h e m i g h t alway s a nd , ,

quickly fi nd h is pl ace Thi s wa s hi s ow n idea a nd my

recoll ecti o n i s th a t i t w as pa tented —h e w as al w ay s pat
.
, ,

euting th ing s Someti me s h e lo s t a noteb ook b ut fo r t he

.
,

mos t pa rt be p re s e rved t he m One wonde r s how h e m a n .

—
a g ed it h e had a gi ft fo r m isl ayin g h i s belongi n gs 1

I n writin g M a rk Tw ain —
.

A B io g raph y I m ade s ome

us e of th e li ttl e ri ve r noteb oo k s a nd quoted f rom hi s ow n ,

re cord th e ci rcu m s tan c e that led to th ei r pu r c ha s e The s e .

th in gs a r e t oo i mp orta nt howeve r to be i gnored he re , ,

.

He eve eally l t m tha t w th ee f them TW w e

le ft by m i take a t t h H tel Mt p le i Vi
n r r os o re n o or r o . O re

s e d tur d up
o e ro o , n en n a, an ne

n n i et ee ye later i a N w Y k a u ti r m Cha le T L k
n ars , n e or c on - o o . r s . ar ,

a tt r ey f th S L Clem e e t at e w t h a u em en t
o n or e . . d ns s , sa e nn o nc , an

btai d a t l gue f the ale I i t the ta t m e t w m ade that

ca a o s n s e as

b k had bee left behi d w he M k T w ai g ve up hi

o ne o . n

th oo s n n n ar n a s

a p rt m e t at the Mt p le i SOS Vi i ti g t h a u t i
e

m o n -roo

M La k w h w the teb k w i th th i f rm a ti that a

a n e ro o , n I . s n e c ,

r . r as s o n no oo s, e n o on

p riva t bid f
e fi ft ee th u do d lla r had be
n r eiv d f
o san f o s en ec e or o ne o

t he m H e l lea r ed t ha t t h b k w e w lai d by a b utl me er

L g I la d e t ate e ph w f t h f rm e r Mt p le p r p riet
. a so n e oo s re n o c

on a o e o e ro o o o r.

M La k p m ptly filed a lai m f th t w b k p r pe rty

on s n s , n e

r. r ro c or e o oo s, as o

o f th S L Cl m e
e . ta t . d g t ut a w r i t f r p l vi f
e ns es e anth m o o o e e n or e .

They w r i d by t h h i fi j ut b f r t h le t rt ed Th '

e e se ze e s er s e o e e sa s a . ere

f ll w ed a g d d l f pa r leyi g ba k d f rt h t h phew
’
o o oo ea o n c an o , e ne s

la wy fi ll y a g i g t r m i p ym e t t h i l i t f
co m o s c en o

w hi h M L k
er na p ree n o o se o n a n

o ne th u d d ll
o sa n t o a rs . t d th u btai ni g
o c r . ar assen e , s o n

th e p r ci u n teb
e k fo t hei r ig htf ul wner
o s o oo s r r o s.

2
 NOT E B O O K

Th os e l i ttle boo ks l ed th e lon g p roc e ss io n t ha t would

follow
He had enga g ed h i m s el f to l e a rn pilo ti n g—to famil ia rize
.

hi m s el f w ith t we lv e h undr e d m ile s o f the Missis s ippi

Rive r cub o f the gr ea t Horace B ixby I n L ife on t h e
M
, .

“
iss issi ppi he w rit e s : I ent e r e d u pon the s m a l l ente r
p ri s e o f le a rn ing I 2 o r I 3 hu nd r e d m ile s o f the g reat
M is s is s i ppi Riv e r w ith the e a s y confid e nc e o f m y ti me of
l i fe I f I h a d r ea l l y k no w n w h at I wa s a bou t to re q ui re
.

o f my f a cul ties I s hould n o t have h a d the cou rage to

b eg i n I s u ppo s ed that al l a p ilot had to do wa s to k ee p

.

h i s bo a t i n the rive r a nd I d id not conside r t h a t that

coul d be m uch O f a t rick s i nce i t w as so wide ”
, .

A day o r t w o l ate r the easy confid e nc e w as all gon e .

B ixby aski ng h i m to r e peat som e o f the i nstruction w e

,

h ad fu rn ish e d h i m fou nd th at he could rem e mb e r none

,
“ “
o f it His h ea d w as a m e r e j u mbl e o f poi nts
” ”
. and bends
“ ” “ ”
a nd ba rs a nd crossings .

“
My boy s aid M r B i x by you mus t g et a l ittl e
”
, .
,

m e morandu m book a nd e v e ry ti m e I tell you a th ing put

-
,

i t down righ t aw a y Th e re s onl y o n e w a y to be a pilot

, .
.
’

and th a t i s to get thi s e nti r e rive r by he a rt You h av e to .

kn ow it j ust l ik e A B C ”
.

He p rob a bly bought th e l ittle m e morandu m book at -

th e next l anding pl a ce w h e re s uch th ings we re to be h ad

-

—at Cai ro most l ikely fo r th e re h is fi rst e nt ry appea rs to

, ,

h ave bee n mad e H e b e g a n wi th gre a t di lig e nc e a nd en

.

t h us ias m The fi r s t th r ee o r fou r p a ges a re cro w d e d w ith

.

con fu s ed e nt rie s m ic rOS COp ic l e ad pencil abb revi ations

,
-
,

today all but i ll egibl e L a t e r his e n t h us i a s m wa ned o r h e

.
,

recog n ized th e futil ity o f such a confusion He sy st e m a .

t ized his ent rie s u nde r bl ue penc il headin gs an d wrot e ,

more le gibly :
Delta to h ead 62 [s mall p e ncil s ketch of s tea m boat with
“
the word B a r a nd pictu r e of s ame ] Co min g up when
,
.
,

all t he B a r i s cove r ed th e r e i s 54 l e ss 2 in c h u t e o f

3
 MA R K TWA I N
M ont ezum a S ha pe B a r til l head of towhead 8: m ai n po in t
open —then hold ope n to right of hig h tree s on towhead
.

t il l get clos e e nough to go up s hore of towhead Ch a n nel .

o ut pa s t head O f towhead

Outs ide Of Montezu ma —use 6 o r 8 fee t more wate r

.

Sha pe B a r til l h i g h ti mbe r on to w head get s nea rly eve n

wi th low Wi llows do do t he n hold a l ittl e ope n on ri g h t
. .

—
of low wil lo w run e m Clos e i f you want to bu t co m e
’
,

ou t 1 00 yard s whe n you g e t nea r ly to head of T H . .

I t mean s noth i n g defin ite to us—it meant l it tl e

enou g h to h i m a day a fte r he h ad written i t
, .

Y et he h ad to store th at le s son and thousands

more l ike i t s a fely a w ay i n h i s he a d a nd keep
th em the re Th at a ma n o f Ma rk T w ai n s te m
.
’

p e ram en t a nd ea s y g oi ng n atu re s houl d have

-

pe rs isted th roug h al l the month s requ i red to c o n

q ue r th at g reat my s te rious ete rn al ly changin g
, ,

rive r i s one of th e wonde r s O f hu ma n ach ieve

ment
Th e next book bea rs date o f I 86o —fou r yea rs
.

l ate r w he n he had been for more tha n two yea rs

,

a ful l fl edged pilot w ith all the i ntricate knowl

-
,

edge wh ich th a t fact con notes a ss embled i n o r

d erly a rrangement i n h i s u na c countable mind .

I t is not a le s son tha t he g ive s us now but a

rec ord of fa ct —the sto ry of a day or a ni g h t
,

Of a n i g h t he w r i te s
4 to 6
feet bank on poi n t below f oo t of Buck C o uld have
—
.

run B u c k I s l and to t o w head N i g h t d idn t .

’
.

4 a 5 ft bank
. up s hore opp Da rk Corn e r . .

Had le ss 3 i n foo t o f Ca t I to w head ,

- .

Hove lead a t head of — —

5 s n o bot t om r a n no c ha n n el in
4
 M A R K TW A I N
r ai n bow fi rst appea ring a t 8 P M—moon a t fi rst qua r
—
te r—ve ry l i g h t d rizzl in g rai n
. .

I t wa s abo u t t hi s ti me th a t h e went to An g el s ’

Cam p to follow pocket m i n in g I t w as not c old In

,
.

J anua ry b ut it ra i ned a g reat deal w h ich made

,

mi n i n g diffi c ult The hotel at An g el s Cam p wa s

.
’

not mu c h mo r e i n viti n g Th e food wa s un sat is .

fa ctory .

B ea ns a n d co ffee o nly f or b r ea kfa st and di n ne r eve ry

day at th e F r en c h Resta u r an t at An g el s—bad we ak ,

coffee J [J im G il l i s ] tol d wa ite r he m us t have made a

m i s ta ke—h e a s ked for c afé —t h is wa s day before ye s
. .

“ ”
- -

t erd ay s di s h wate r
’
-
.

Na r row e s cape J a n 2 5 1 865 Da rk rainy ni g h t

, .
,
.

walked t o ext reme edg e of a cut i n s ol i d roc k 30 ft deep .

a nd W h ile s tandi n g u pon th e ve rg e for h al f a d ozen sec

o n ds
,
medi ta ti n g whe th e r t o p roc eed o r not hea r d a ,

strea m o f wate r fal l in g into t h e cu t and t h en my eye s ,

becomin g more a c cu s tomed to t he da rkn ess s aw t h at i f

the l a s t s tep t aken had bee n a h a ndb r ead th lon g e r I m ust
h ave pl un g ed i nto it .

Ja nu a ry 2 3 1 865 A ng el s Ra i ny sto r my bean s a nd

, , .
, ,

di s h w ate r for b reakfas t a t t he F rench man s ; di s h wa t e r

-
,
’
-

a nd bea n s fo r di nn e r a nd bo t h a rti cl e s wa rm ed ove r for

,

s uppe r
—
.

z4t h . Rai ned all day meal s a s befor e .

2 5th Sa me a s above
—
. .

2 6t h . Ra i n beans and dish wa te r bee fst eak for a

,
-

chan g e no use co uldn t bite i t

-
’

— —
.
,

2 7t h . Same O l d d iet s a me old wea t he r we nt o u t to

“
the poc ket cl ai m h ad to ru s h ba c k
”
,
.

2 8t h Ra i n and wind al l day and al l n i g h t Chil i bean s

. .
-

a nd d i s h wate r th ree ti me s today a s u s ual and s ome ki nd

-

“ ”
Of s l u m whi c h the F r e nc h m a n c alled h a s h H a s h be
”
.

dam n ed !
6
 N OT E B O O K
2 9t h . Th e th in g We s h all have t o st and the
old , old .

we a the r but as J say s w e w o n t s tand the dis h w ate r and

, .
’
-

bean s an y lon g e r by G od
—
.
,

3 o th J a
. m — moved to the new hot e l j ust opened good ,

fa re a nd coff e e th a t a Ch ri sti a n ma y d ri n k w ithout j eOp

ard izi n g h is e te rn a l soul D ick Stoke r came ove r today .

f rom Tuttl etown Tuol u mne C O , .

I t w a s j ust a t thi s ti me at An g el s Cam p th a t ’

Ma rk T wa i n hea rd the story of th e j umpin g

frog and m issed a bi g pock e t O f g old Th e pocket .

mentioned the 2 7t h This i ncident h as bee n re .

l ated el sewh e r e but th e m e morandu m wh ich

1

became the bas i s o f the frog sto ry b e lon gs he re .

—
Col eman w ith h is j u mpi ng frog bet a strange r $ 50 .

—
Str a nge r h a d no frog a nd C got h i m o n e z I n the m ea n .

ti me str a nge r fill e d C s frog full o f s hot a nd he couldn t

’ ’

’
j ump The strange r s frog w on
. .

Acros s this pencil not e he a dded l ate r i n i nk ,

—
Wrote th is sto ry fo r A rt e mus [W a rd ] h is idiot pub
li sh er C a rl e ton g a ve i t to Cl a pp s S a tu rda y P ress
’
.
,

The re i s a lso i n th i s book a memorandu m of

“
a story w ritten m a n y y e a rs lat e r The Cal i ,

fo rn ian s T a l e The not e reads

’ ”
.

B aden crazy asking a fte r h is w i fe w h o had bee n dead

. ,

1 3 yea rs —fi rs t kno w l e dge of h is being de ranged .

F e b 3 D ined a t th e F rench m a n s i n order to l et Dick

. .
’

“ ”
s ee ho w he doe s things H a d H e ll fi re sou p a n d th e old -
.

r e gul a r b ea ns a nd dis h wa t e r The F rench ma n h as 4 -

.

ki nds o f S ou p w hich he fu rnishes to custome rs only on

g reat occa s ion s Th ey a r e popul a rl y kno w n a mong the
.

“ “ “ ” ”
boa rder s as H e l l fi re G e ne r a l Debil ity
-
,
”
I ns a ni ty ,

‘
M
ae b Tw airr - A B iograph y, pp . 2 7 2 -2
73 .

7
 M A R K TW A I N
“ ”
and S udden D eath b u t i t is not poss ibl e to describe
,

th e m.

Feb 6 Man i n S a n F ranci sco j um ped lot and b u ilt

. .

house on it ; p rop ped o n lo w pi ns Hogs u s ed to congre

.

gate und e r i t an d g ru n t all night Man bored hol es i n the

floo r and hi s wi fe pou red hot w a t e r th rough —hogs s t rug
.

gl i n g to g e t out h a ul ed th e house down t h e h i ll o n thei r

back s and th e lot wa s rej um ped by it s p rope r own e r ea rly
i n th e mo rn i ng .

Feb 2 5 1 865 Left Angel s w i th Ji m a nd D ick and

.
,
.

walked ove r th e mou ntai n to J ack ass i n a sno w storm th e

-
,

fi rs t I ev e r s aw i n Cal i fo r ni a The vi ew f rom th e

.

tai n to ps beau ti ful .

 CH A PT E R II

The S an d w i c/z I slan ds

a bout th is ti me th at a ne w pas s en ge r
I T Was
steame r the Aj ax bu ilt fo r the S a n F ran c isco
, ,

Sandwi ch I sl and t rade made it s i niti al t ri p , .

Ma rk T w a i n was i nvited to go a s guest of the ,

l ine b ut because o f the da il y lette r w h ich he

, ,

cont ributed to h is O l d pape r the Ent erpris e o f , ,

V i rgi ni a City decl i ned B y th e ti me th e Aj ax

, .

w as ready to s a i l a ga i n h e h ad a r rang e d to go
o n it as s pecial correspondent for the Un io n of
, ,
“
S a cra m e nto to ransack th e isl and s the cata
, ,

rac t s a nd volcanoe s compl e t e l y and w rit e t we nty ,

o r th i rt y l e tte rs as h e j o y ousl y a nnounc e d i n a

”
,

l ett e r to hi s mothe r th e n i n St Lou is He b e ga n , . .

a new notebook and w rote i n it

F rom S a n F r a ncisco to th e H aw ai Ian I sl ands
pe r Steame r Aj a x Nov 7 t h 1 866 ,
. .

A t sea Ma r 9 , .
,

Ju s t re a d lett e r s from home wh ich shoul d h a ve be e n

read be fore l ea ving S a n F r a ncisco Accou nts of O il on the .

Ten . l and and th a t b rothe r o f m ine [Orion Cl e m e ns ]

,

wi t h h is e te rn al can t abou t l aw a nd rel i g ion g etting r e ad y ,

in h is slo w stupi d w ay to go to Excel s ior i nstead of ,

th e States ; he sent me some p raye rs as u s ual .

Ma r 1 0 We a r e m akin g about 20 0 mile s a d a y Got

. . .

some s ail o n ye ste rd ay mo rn i ng for fi rst ti m e and i n

, , ,

afte rn oon crowded eve ryth ing on Se a g ulls c h a s e but n o .

,

9
 MA R K TWA I N
Th ree or four of t h e s ea s i c k p as s en ge rs ca m e to lu nc h
a t noon and s eve ra l of th e l adies a re abl e to d re ss a nd
s it up Capt reports 32 5 m il e s m ade i n pa s t 2 4 hou rs
. . .

Foun d a n Old acquai ntance tod a y ; neve r been a ny

whe re yet th at I d i d n t find an acquai nta nce ’
.

Nea rl y eve rybody o ut to b reakfa s t t hi s mo rni n g ; the r e s ’

no t more th a n h al f doze n s i ck now .

He bega n to pick u p s ome i n for m a ti on co n

c e rn in g th e I sl and s .

S I s l ande rs neve r i n t ended to wo r k Wo rs e off now

. .

wi th al l th e r eli g ion s th a n eve r befo r e Dyi n g off fa s t . .

Fi rs t white l anded th e re wa s a c u rs e t o t h em .

Wh ale rs like Kan aka s be tt e r t h a n an y o the r s ailo rs

t em pe rate s tron g fa i t h ful pea ce abl e an d o rde rl y
Kin g al way s r e fu s ed to s i gn c on sti tu tion —h e alte r ed
.
, , ,

o ne c l au s e of i t f r o m u nive r s al s uff ra g e to p rope rty qual i

fi cat ion and whe n t h ey t ri ed t o force h i m a nd t h reat e ned

,

th e str a i ts woul d r u n blood h e b ade th e m good m o rni n g ,

an d con fe rence wa s ended .

H o u s e of Nobl e s a ppoi n ted by Ki n g a n d Lo we r House ,

el ective U nde r u n ive rsal s uff ra g e m i ss iona rie s u s ed to

.

vote thei r fl ocks fo r ce rtai n m a n and t he n s it at home a nd

co nt rol h i m One me mbe r ( mis s iona ry s son ) s aid o ut
.
’

loud i n open House he controlled 1 1 vote s ( a m a j ori ty ) i n

th e H ou s e .

Ki n g n ot m a rr ied wel l educated a n d a ge ntl ema n H a s

,
.

a fa th e r and s iste r l ivi n g a nd w il l a ppoi nt s u c cessor

,
.

Cou ntry will eventu ally pa ss i nto h a n d s o f forei gn e r s ,

p robably F r en c h
—
.

I t
I h Fi ne day good N E b reeze Fore s pence r fore
— —
. . . .
,

to p s ail fore t o g al l ant s ail lowe r s tu ns ail and for e t Op

-
’ ’
-

s tun s ail
’
— j ib and fl yin g j i b —mai n s pen ce r—gafi t o p s ail -

—all ca n va s s et .

B ut i t wa s j ust a t t hi s po i nt th a t he l ost h i s
to
 N OT E B O O K
n ot ebook We k n o w th at th i s i s so for h e be g a n
.
,

anothe r setting down wh a t e v e r he could re

,

m e mbe r o i the v a nis h ed record It r eq u i re s no .

gi ft to i m a gi ne h i m cl aw ing ove r his s tate room ,

looki ng for the m is s in g m e moranda swea ri n g

fe rvently me a n w h il e—s e ttling down at last to a
,

g ri m a ccept a nce o f h i s loss s cowl in g a nd fu mi n g ,

a s w ith more o r les s succ e s s he rec a lled h i s ori g

i nal e nt ri e s A me mo ry o f the we ath e r and sea
.

s ickn e ss w as about a ll th a t rem a ined Ve ry l ikel y .

h e susp e cted th at h is notes had b e en approp ri

ated for i n th e new book he writ e s o n th e i nne r
,

cove r i n a bol d defiant h and MA R K TW A I N

, .

1 zt h .Mond ay Ve ry rough and rainy all forenoon

.

for e s a il sh redded l as t night .

Rough weathe r o n th is route 7 to 8 mon th s o f ye a r

Sp ri ng Fall and Winte r—Oth e r 4 month s bea uti ful
,

weathe r .

G ro w n W h ite m e n a nd w omen h and s ome a nd wel l edu ,

ca t ed bo rn i n H aw aii

Lan a i ha s Mo rmon e s tabl ish ment—c l a i m 50 0 0 conve rt s

.

— Ki ng w on t let th e m p ractice pol y g a m y though

’
, .

Miss iona ry d e nomin ations a re fou r—Ame rican Epi s ,

co p ali an Cathol ic a nd Mormon

,
.

H e wa s a long w a y from the isl ands ye t b ut , ,

w as i n daily associ a tion w ith a p a ssenger named

B ro w n w h o made h is home the r e The re i s no
,
.

“
mention i n the di a ry of the Old Admi ral a
r e ti r e d w h a l em a n —a ro a ring t e rrific combin a
“

tion o f wi nd and l ightn ing a nd thu nde r de ”

,

scribed in th e Sand w ich I sl and ch a pter s o f

R ough in g I t so we may assume that h e wa s a
—
,

fi g ment o f M a rk T w ai n s rough and r e ady h i s ’

—
r ough e s t and re a di e st i magi n a ti on but i n the ,
“ ”
qu ie t pa ss en g e r Will iam s who routed th e Ad ,

I I
 M A R K TW A I N
m i ral i n a r gu m en t de s troyed h i m wit h h i s ow n
,

g u n s it i s e a sy to recog n ize B rown

,
.

We ca n i magi ne h i m s itti ng with B rown

th rou g h lon g afte rnoons s mokin g an d dro ws ily
,

tal ki n g l ooking out ove r s tretches of s ea th at b e

,

come more i nvitin g and my s te ri ou s a s th e s to rm s

of the nort h e rn l ati tude s a re l eft beh i nd Th e .

c apt a i n and othe rs woul d joi n th e m no doub t , .

M a rk Twai n w as a name al ready w el l k n ow n

along t he Pacific s lope a nd known or n ot h i s
, ,

pe rson al ity was a m a gn e t th at n e ve r failed t o

att ra ct company A s the note s con ti nue it i s ea s y
.

to s ee th at h e w a s fall i ng i n love wi th H aw ai I a
good w h ile before he reached it .

H a w a ii an s i ndol ent a nd no tenacity of vi tal i ty —

l i fe no .

On t h e l ea st pos s ibl e excus e w i ll l ie down and die .

Tr e mendous sol i tudes o f the Pac ifi c—a lonely sea

no l and in s i g ht for 1 0 day s and neve r a s ol i ta ry s h ip in
,

s i g ht
.

H e s eem s to h ave begu n to make m axi m s

ab o ut this ti me a h abi t th at w ould g row on h i m
,

i n l ate r yea rs .

N eve r re fu s e to do a ki ndn es s u n le ss the a ct would

wo r k g rea t i nj u ry to you r s el f a nd neve r refuse t o t ake
,

—
a d ri n k u nde r any c i rcu m s tances .

Ri s e ea rl y I t i s the ea rly bi rd th a t c atche s the wor m

. .

D on t be fooled b y th i s ab s u rd s aw ; I once kn ew a ma n
’

wh o tr i ed i t He g ot up at s u n ri s e a nd a hor s e bi t hi m
. .

B u t t h e r o u g h wea th e r wa s n ot al l go ne .

Ma rc h 1 2 M on day Rou g h e s t n i g ht O f th e v oya g e l a st

—
.
, ,

n i g ht s h i p roll ed heavily Still roughe r thi s mo rn i ng ti ll

.

I I o cl oc k wh en co u rs e wa s al t e r ed to we st w hi c h eas ed
’

12
 M A R K TWA I N
land tomo rr ow a t noon Good W e a t h e r and a s mooth s ea
,
.

fo r th e past two da ys Denni s th e ho g was kill e d ye s t e r

.

day a nd se rved up fo r b reakfa s t t h is morni ng .

Th e w at e r be g ins to t a st e O f th e c a sks .

B ro w n s boo t s a re all one s id e d with b raci ng to t he

’
-

l u rch ing of the s h i p a nd hi s nose i s s ki nn e d Th i nks he

,
.

wi ll h a ve cause o f action agains t t h e comp any yet Pas .

~

s en ge rs al l ven i r po ur m e voi r.

1 60 m ile s from Honol ul u at noon .

He st e adil y p icks up sta t i stics about the Isl a nd

w h ich w oul d b e u s e ful i n h i s a rti cl e s l ate r ; a l so
some pol i ti cal a nd social ph ases o f th e l i f e the re .

Ki ng s t rongl y favor s E ngl i s h on acc oun t o f a tt en tio n

,

s ho w n h i m i n E ngland a nd the reve rse s hown h i m i n the

U S ( Vi rgi ni a pl ante r s ai d wouldn t s it at tabl e wit h a
’
. .

n igger ) and fa v or s al l foreigne rs m uch more th an Ame ri

—
cans so A m e rica ns a re at a discou nt i n Hon ol ul u and
pos s ess s m a ll in fl uen ce—o u which accou n t and to cu r ry
, ,

f a vor n o foreigne r w ill b uy a nyt h ing O f an A me ri can

,

wh ich h e ca n g et o f a n E ngl ish ma n Al l money i n h ands

.

of forei gne rs ci rcul ate s am o n g foreigne rs p ret ty excl u ,

s ively a nd o n the othe r h and A me rican s who h ave a ny

,

s pi ri t r etal iate by deal i n g wi t h A me ri can s p retty excl u

,

s ively The A m eri c an H ot el i s kept by a Dutch m a n Te n

. .

A m e ri c an s the r e to one forei g ne r but th e i nfl uenc e pl a y s

,

th e devil nev e rth e les s Al l Engl is h men -O f wa r foste r th is

,
.
-

pa r ti a l ity of the King by fl a t te ring h i m an d s howi ng hi m

royal honor s and a tt e ntion .
 CH A PT E R III

H on oln ln

A RR IV E D a t noon Su nd ay—fi red gun—1 9 days and 6

h rs o ut — Could h ave got i n l ast n ight j ust a ft e r da rk
.
, .

Chann e l v e ry na rro w but st raight— we ll buoyed—not

w ide e nough for 2 s h ips at onc e—h a rdly Custom Hou s e .

bo a t c a m e o ff w ith fl a g
Mc In t yre pilot old bu rly gr a y he a ded scout
.

-
, , , .

Ki ng s a t i n 2 hors e buggy a lone on w h a rf—bi g W hisk

-

e rs—o ld l e ath e r complexion — b road gol d b a nd o n pl u g

h at band o f gol d a round l a pel s of coat No—Kin g s

— ’

d river—s pecul a tion wrong

.

C ro w d 4 o r 50 0
—
.

Su nd a y s still ness n atives s i tt i n g i n sh a de o f hou s es on

’

th e grou nd .

Peopl e h e r e s moke M a nil a ciga rs a nd dri n k eve ryth i ng .

Long str ee t d a rk e st i n th e world down to the E s planade

—widt h 3 buggies a b re a st—c ouldn t get o ut of i t and so
, ,
’
,

fou nd m y w a y .

Found Rev M r Ri sin g the re [An old San F r a ncisco

. . .

friend ]
Hot e l s g ou ge Cal i fo rn i an s—c h a rge s a il ing pa s senge rs
.

$ 8 a w e e k for boa rd but steam e r p a ssenge rs ten

,
.

Ch a rl ey Richa rd s k ee ps a t r e mendous S pide r a nd t w o

l iza rds for pets I w oul d l ike to sleep with h i m i f he woul d
.

g et a cou pl e o f s nak e s o r so .

Honol ul u hospit a l it y Rich a rds s aid : Come in -s it

.

— —
do w n t a k e o ff y ou r co a t and boots t a k e a d ri nk H e re
—
.

is a p a ss key t o th e quo r and c i g a r c upb o a r d p ut i t i n

- li
IS
 MA R K TW AI N
your po ck et 2 doo rs t o h i s hou s e—s ta nd Wi de ope n

ni g ht a nd d a y from J an till J an —n o l oc k s o n th e m
ma rch in when eve r you fee l l ike it —take a s many d ri n k s
. .

and ci g a rs a s you want and make you r s elf at home

1 3 lett e r s i n Hawai i an alp habet —
.

e ach a distinct s ou nd
—3 vow el s tog ethe r s ometi me s bu t each a n i ndependent
sound—no troubl e to l ea rn to p ronou n c e H ave a l a rge
,
‘
.

l exi co n and a s mall ph rase b oo k .

Ki ng s itti ng on ba rrel on wh a r f fis hing .

Ki ng s ho we d As a Nudd g reate r attenti on th an h e eve r

—
s how ed foreign c ivil i an before in retu r n for h i s hos pi
ta l i ty i n Cal i fo rni a
.

Co uldn t u nder s tand th e bea r s ki n mats on fl oors

’
-

W h a le rs b ri n g th em .

French g ot pos ses sion of th e Society [I s l a nd s ] and

more recentl y th e Ma r q ue s a s by mean s o f Romi s h cle r gy
, .

They s en t p riest s he re Ki ng s aid hi s p eople had bee n

h -

—
res cued from idol at ry w o ul dn t have any more of it ’

s ent the m a w ay Man -o f wa r b rough t a noth e r p rie s t di s

gu is ed a s mercha nt fou nd out—o rdered away—
-

—
.
,

s h ip s
th reatened to bu rn the tow n—al lo w ed to r e mai n u nde r
p rotes t—s h i p b rought back the ba ni s h ed p rie s ts fro m
Mexi co — o n e i s now bi s hop he re a nd l ive s i n pal ace We .

all kn ow ho w F ran c e would re g a rd tr eaty i f s he co u ld

once g et pos ses s io n .

M a rk Twai n i mmed iatel y fell i n love wit h

H a w a i i and rema ined i n love wi t h i t hi s l i fe l on g .

I t be co mes evid e n t i n h is notes .

“
N o ca re wo rn or eage r a nxiou s faces i n t h e l a n d of
ha ppy contentment—G od what a co nt ra s t with Cali
,

fo rn ia and Wa s hoe Eve rybody w alk s at a m ode ra t e g ai t

.

but to s peak s tri ctly th ey m os tl y ride

, ,
.

“
O i sl a nds th ere a re on the fa c e of t he deep
, ,
”
Wh e r e t h e lea v es n eve r fade a n d th e s ki es n eve r weep .

16
 N OT E B O O K
I n R oughing I t he s ay s
In p lace of the g n d r a m ud -col ored b rown f ron ts of San Fran
c i sco I saw dwelli ngs b uil t o f straw ad obes an d c ream -c ol ored
, , ,

ebble-a n d shel l con g l om e r ated co ral

- - c ut i nt o obl ong bl ocks a n d
p ,

laid i n ce m e n t ; also a great n um be r o f n e at whi te cottages wi th ,

gree n wi n d ow-sh utte rs ; i n p l ace of f ront yar ds like billiar d

tables wi t h i ro n f e n ces aroun d them I saw these h om es sur ,

ro un ded by M ple yard s t hi c kly clad wi t h gree n grass an d

, ,

shaded by tal l tr ees th r oug h Wh ose de n se f o liage t h e sun could

,

sc arc ely e n e trate ; i n la ce o f t h e c ustom a ry ge ra n i um calla l il y

p p , ,

&c .
, l angui shi ng i n d ust an d gene ral debili ty I saw l ux uri ous ,

b an ks an d th i ckets of fl owe rs as f resh as a m eadow a fte r a rai n

, ,

gl owi ng wi t h t h e r i c hest dyes ; i n pl ace o f t h e Golden

C i ty s ski rt i ng san dhi ll s an d plac i d bay I saw o n the on e side a
’
,

f ram ewor k o f t all p rec i p i tous m ountai n s close at han d c l ad i n ,

re f reshi ng gree n an d c le f t by deep coo l c h asm l ike valleys ; an d

, ,
-

i n f ront the gran d sweep o f t h e oc ean : a b rill i ant tran spare nt ,

gr ee n n ear t he sh ore b oun d an d bo r de red by a l ong whi te li n e

,

o f f oa m y s r ay dashi ng al ong t he r ee f an d f art he r o ut the dead

p ,

bl ue wate r o f t h e deep sea fl ec ked wi t h whi te-caps an d i n the

, ,

f r o
a h r i zo n a s i ng le l on ely sa il— a m e r e acce nt m ark t o em
p h a

si ze a sl um be r ou s cal m an d a so l i t ude t h at we re wi t h o ut so un d o r

l i m i t W he n th e sun k san k d own—the on e i n tr ude r f rom othe r

.

real m s a n d pe r i te nt i n s ggest i ons o f t he

s s u m — it w as tr an ced
l ux ury t o sit i n the pe rf um ed ai r an d f orget that t he re w as any
world but these ench anted i slan ds .

Went hom e w ith M r D a mon to hi s cool vine sh aded -

h o m e—y ou b e t
.
, ,

Th is hous e and ch a pel W he re he p re a ches w e re bu il t by

Sea m en s F riend s Soci e ty of New York 1 83 3—R e v Joh n
’

D iell he re ti l l 40 —d i e d o f consu mption o n way home Ofl

.

'
’
,

C a pe Horn 4 1 D a mon a rrived F a l l o f 42 b ee n he re

,
’
.
’
,

e ve r s i nce exc e pt visi t hom e o f a yea r and to C a l i forn i a

, , ,

i n 49 He a nd G wy n n made thei r dé but in Cal i fo rn i a a t

’
.

th e s ame ti m e and both offici ated at 4t h of J ul y i n Sa c ra

17
 MARK T WA I N
m e nto t ha t yea r—he m ade p raye r and G s poke w h ile
t hey we r e cutt i n g do wn t r ee s to build the town—o n ly h al f
.

a dozen hous es th e n He p rea c h ed fi rs t se rmo n eve r

p rea ch ed i n Stockt o n— Wh a t so eve r a m a n so weth th at
.

s hall h e also r ea p
”
A m an cl ea red o ut h is ba r for hi m
.

on l y 2 h ouses th ere O n e of th e m Weber s bala nce te n ts

.
’ -
.

A M rs M . cf a rla n e tells hi m s om e ma rvelous

t hin gs of h er res iden c e in th e l slan ds

MM
—F l
“
Vol ca n oes o n Toah i- 3o mil es f rom
M
rs c ar an e :

t he hous e e ru pti on be ga n s l owl y a t d us k—at 4 A

.

wa s s h ooti ng roc k s an d lava 40 0 ft hi g h wh ich would .

th e n des c e n d in a g r and s howe r of fi re to th e ea rt h

cr ate r overfl owed and mol ten w aves an d billow s we n t
b oiling a n d s u rgi ng d o w n moun tai n s ide j u s t fo r t h e
wo rl d l ike t h e sea—s t rea m f ro m Vz t o m i le and a half
,

- - -

wi de a n d h un d r eds of f ee t deep pe rh ap s Ove r ca tt l e

, .

h ous e s an d a c ross s t r eam s t o t h e sea 63 mile s dis ta nt ( 7

yea rs a go ) r an into s ea 3 miles a nd boiled th e fi s h fo r 20
m il e s a round—ves s els fou n d scor e s o f boiled fis h 20 mil es
out — n ati ves cook ed th ei r food the re Eve ry eve n i n g fo r
.

7 w e ek s s a t o n th e v e r an da h al f th e ni g ht g azi ng u p on
—
,

th e s plendi d s pe cta cl e t h e wonde rful py rot ec hn ic d is pl ay .

The h ous e wi n dows we re al way s of a bl oody h ue Read .

n ews pa pe rs eve ry n i g h t by no oth e r l ig ht t ha n was ai

for ded by th i s m i g hty to rch 30 m iles away C r owds o f
,
.

”
vis itors c a me fro m t h e Ot h e r is la n d s .

P res e n t Kin g is pen etrati ng—so u n d j udgm ent d i gni ty —

- 4 cco m lish ed —h u o d n e a n d co u rage a nd d c isio n
— go se s e
p
beca me a cq ua in ted with b us ines s by l ong acq ua i ntanc e
shi p as Mi ni s te r o f I nt er io r P rin ce B ill is ve ry able m a n
—
.

and a cc om plis h ed gen tlem a n th ey have al way s be e n a

won de r f ul fa mi l y a n d th e a bl es t i n t h e lan d
—
.

—
Sea Isla n d cott on pi c ked eve ry day in t he yea r s talks
cu r
t ofi eve y J n a — no f ros t s ur e crop, w ort h $ 1 a p oun d

18
 OT E B O O K
N

i n Li ve rp ool o r H av r e worth an y p ri c e —
— adulte rate sil k
good s w ith it 1 0 0 0 acres th is l a nd i n b e nd o f head of th is
.

is la nd w orth $ 2 to $ 20 a n a cre R a i s ed 30 0 0 0 lbs l a st . .

—
y ea r wi ll rais e 50 0 0 0 th is Al l th a t is n e ed e d is l a bor
i ndust ry —n a tiv e s w on t pick i t eve ry day—lazy and sh i ft
.

less.

G i rl s h e r e h a ve good hom e fac e s .

Found th e pu r s e r looking at n a ked women fish ing ,

th rou g h s pygl as s .

He became t oo bus y a ppa rentl y to m a ke , ,

el a bor a te notes ; 1 o r 2 l i n e s w a s t h e b e st h e
c ould do J ust a word o r a l i ne tru sting to God
.
, ,

a nd h is memory when the t i me c a me t o wri te

abo ut it .

Bo ys a nd gi rl s i n swimm in g .

E a t i n g raw fi s h and poi .

H oola h oo la dance .

Heat e d te rm .

$65 i ncome enti tles to v ot e .

Old b a ttl e grou nd .

The S a l t Lake .

F is h ponds .

Coral r e efs .

Anoth e r old batt legrou nd .

I t i s a mode rn i s ti c poe m .

Evidences o f remote anti q u i ty

Fondness for tobacco but not wh i s key—l aws a g ai nst i t
.

Ch u r c h l aw a g ai nst s moking .

And Sh a ron waves i n silent p raise

He r sacred g rove s o f pal ms .

Wail ing for t he sick .

Ha w a i i a h a l f wa y house o n the Pacific highway

-
.

N a t ive s pay to g et thei r poet ry p ri nted .

19
 M A R K TWA I N
H eat ed t erm b ut t h ere are few fi ies in m y room or

M os qui toes . 2 kin ds—day an d ni gh t .

Ha ve to take o ut a l i c e ns e to h ave th e H ula

H ul a da nce pe rfo rmed a nd th en i f th e g i rl s d ress for i t i n
—
,

th e u s u al ma nn e r th at i s with n o clothi ng wo rt h men

—
,

t io ni n g i t m ust be condu cted i n s t ri ct p riva cy .

A l a rks pu r pl an t ed alon gs ide any sh rub he re will p ro

t e c t th e sa me from t h e p revail ing b li g h t .

The Ki n g o u g h t to be g rateful to the m i ss iona ri es be

c a u s e du ri n g all th e yea rs th at t h e E n g l i s h and F rench
we re makin g t ro ubl e a nd c rea ti ng com pl ica tion s and try
in g t o g et a n ex cu s e to s ei ze th e i s lands the wi s e coun cils
of thes e men s aved Kameh a meh a s I I I I I and pe rhap s , ,

V fro m m ak ing any fal s e s tep

M
.

M rs
. c F a rlan e t hou g ht I wa s d r u nk bec a us e I t alked

so l ong .

No w ord to exp re ss g rat i t udH an but l a mel y exp ress

vi rtue of a ny ki nd—p rolifi c i n epithets to exp res s eve ry
de g ree of and s h ade of v i ce and c r i me N o word to ex .

p res s f a re w el l o r g ood bye - .

Wa il for joy and for s or row wi th th e s am e n o is e .

Was h cl oth es well but bea t t he m all to p iec es

,
.

Takes one a g ood wh il e to cr am p a n d c rowd a n d scr ew

and di min i s h h i m s el f down to a c oncep ti o n of the s mall
—
ness of thi s i s l a nd th i s kin g dom On e ri des 6 or 8 mile s
.

i n any di r e ctio n and he re i s th e oc ean bu rs ti n g u pon hi s

vi ew—s eem s a s i f he n eve r wil l g e t th e da mn ed i s l and
tr i mm ed down a s s m al l a s i t real ly is
So ft voi c e of n a ti ve gi r l s —l iq uid f r ee joyou s l au g hte r
.

.
, ,

—
Kanaka s wi ll h ave ho rs es a n d s addl e s and the wome n
will for n i c ate tw o st rong c h a r a ct e ri sti cs o f th i s peo pl e .

H e s ee ms to h ave bee n a tta cked by the ge n e ral

in d ol enc e of th e i s l ands a co ndi ti o n whi c h th ey
,
“ ”
call th ere the boo boo feve r He d efin es it :
- .

20
 MA R K TWA I N
J apan Colon el Ru m s e y att ach e and Edwa rd L
, , .

B u rl in g a me late r fo r m a ny y ea r s e di tor of S erib

ne r M
,

agazi n e th en a cha rmi ng boy of ei g htee n

’
r , .

Anson B u rl in g ame defin itely i nfluenced Ma rk

T w ai n s futu re H is example and h is advice to
’
.
,

a ss ociate with pe rs on s o f supe rior intellect were

ti m e d to the exact mom e nt w h e n they would do
t h e mos t g ood B u t t h e sto ry o f al l thi s has bee n
.

told e l se w he re l
.

B ro w n calls h is horse Haleakala —e xt i nct volcan o be ,

c a use i f eve r been a n y fi re i n h i m al l gone o ut before he

ca me across hi m .

I f a m an a sk th ee to go wi th h i m a m il e g o wi th h i m
Twai n —( Honolul u joke by Ed B u rl in g ame )
, ,

Wh ich en t ry re fer s to a mo rn i ng when youn g

B u rl ingame called a nd p roposed a wal k Whe n .

Ma rk T w ai n obj ected th e youn g ma n d ecl a red

t he re wa s a Scri ptu ral c o m mand cove r i ng the
c a se Clemens a n s we red th at i f he could quote
.

o n e he d ob e y it wh ich th e othe r p romptly did

’
, ,

a s a bove Th i s joke often att r ibuted to o the r

.
,

sou rces h a d it s ori g i n he re

,
.

—
D n Kanakas ride along with you wal k when you
’

—
w a lk gallop when you gal lo p t rot whe n you trot
neve r s ay a w ord—pe rfect s hadows
,

I f you cut a s ha rk i n t w o yo u di h a m a n who wa s t o

fi s h o n s ha r e s h ad to cut a sha rk i n 2—s aid th a t 20 yea rs
—
ago he would have bee n a fr a id would have died now —
“ ”
bel i e ve s i n h oola d oc t ri n e Still he got a l ittle s i c k a nd .
,

all t h e native s c a m e a n d s aid : It s bec a us e you c u t the ’

s ha rk At l a s t h e s a id it was a nd d i ed
?
,
.

“
Honol ul u J ul y 1 8 66 I got my pa ss por t from th e
, ,
’
.

Royal d a mn ed Hawa i ia n col l ec to r of c u s to ms and paid a

M l Tw i —Bi g ph y ha pter LIII pp 85 88
ar an a o ra , c , . 2 -3 .

22
 N OT E B O O K
dolla r for it and tomorr ow w e sail for Ame ri c a i n good
,

s hi p S m yrm ot e ; w e lo v e it M a st e r —a nd I have got a

'

, ,

devil ish saddle boil to sit o n for the fi r s t 2 w e e ks a t s ea ”

.

Th e S m ym io t e w as a s a il ing vessel altog e the r

-

at the m e rcy o f th e wi nds M T h a d b ee n i n

. . .

the I sl a nds e x a ctly fou r months a n e x p e ri e nc e

,

th a t al l h i s l i fe h e lov e d to rememb e r and

hoped to r e peat .

Al l s mall villages a re goss ipy bu t H onol ul u he a d s th e m

,

a l i ttl e They let m e o ff compa rativel y e a s y thou g h 1

.
,

don t thank them for it b e cause i t a rgues th a t I w as n t

’ ’

wo rth th e t rouble of blackgua rding They onl y accus e d .

m e of m u rde r a r s on h ighway robbe ry a nd some o t h e r

, ,

l i ttle eccent riciti es bu t I k n ew noth in g o f i t t il l t h e day

,

I s ta rted The mi s s iona ry ( I s hould s ay p reache r ) featu re

.

o f i n s i nce rity and h y poc ri s y make s t he atmos p he re of the

pl ace .

dog won t do, a s a g ene ral

’
A wom an who keep s
th m g .

23
 CHAPTER IV

H on ola la to San F ran cisco

H o n o uvt u, J ul y
th e Com e t wi t h Howa rd 1 866 ;

M
1 9, ,

an d rs Spence r and N ell ie a nd Ka ti e on b o a r d left at

M
.
,

2 P with a g reat fi ri n g of cannon and wen t to wi nd

—
. .

wa rd ( u nus u al ) we left pea c eably i n the Smy r n iote a t

PM ( Comet ou t of s ight ) and went in s ame di rec
. .

ti on Now we sh al l see who beats to San F ranci s co

. .

Made 1 1 0 miles up to noon o f F riday ac t h but we r e ,

the n only 1 0 m ile s from Oahu havi ng go ne cl ea r a ro und ,

t h e isl and .

On a 1 st made 1 79 m il es .

Tue s day J ul y 2 4 had cal m s eve r al t i m es A re we neve r

to make any longitude th e Trade s a r e weakening—it i s
, , .

ti me we s t ruc k the Chi na wi nds about midnight—s ay

,

i n l at 36
M
. .

Wednes day ast h 3 P W e a re ab rea st of San F ra n

, ,
. .

ci s co but 1 70 0 m ile s a t s ea When w ill the wi nd change

, . .

ast h J uly la t 2 9 N I wa s genui nel y g l ad t his evenin g

, . .

to wel c o m e t he fi r s t t wil i g ht I h ave s ee n i n 6 yea rs N o .

twil ight i n the I s la nd s Cal i forni a or Wa s hoe ,

.

Mi ni s te r t o s h i p c apta i n who i s com maining of de s e rt

“
i ng s ailor s : Don t s wea r c a pta in tha t won t mend the
’
,
’

“
m a tte r Ca ptai n : B rothe r Da m on it s all ve ry w el l for
” ’

you t o say don t s wea r and it s all righ t t oo —I don t say

.
,
’ ’ ’

anyth ing agai n st it —but d o n t you know that i f you

, ,
’

s hould s hi p a c rew of s a ilor s for H eave n a nd we r e t o s t o p

at H e ll h rs fo r p ro vi s i ons som e da m n ed son -o f-a

.
,

g u n w ou l d ru n away .

24
 N OT E B OO K
F riday 2 7 Cau g ht 2 go n eys —They a r e al l th e s a m e
“

s ize —the y measu re 7 ft 1 i n from ti p to ti p of w in gs

. .
,

. .

The y made a wood e n clog f a st to on e and let h i m go

a piti ful ad va nt a g e for God lik e m an to take of a hel ples s
‘ ’

bi rd The bi rd looked rep roach fully u pon th em w i th h i s

.

g reat h u m a n eyes while the y d id h i m this wron g ”

.

Across th e yea rs one s hea rt aches ’

fo r th at
tortu r e d bi rd .

Ki n g of S I i s . .
—
a he a th e n ao
o ld sorc eress h a s hi m

u nd e r he r th u m b p icks o ut the fis h he may eat—tel l s

-

h i m i n w h a t house he m a y sl ee p etc accompa nies h i m ,

.
,

i n al l h is e xcu rs ions He wa s educ a ted in a Ch ristian

.

school b ut h a s n e v e r submitted h i msel f to Ch risti a nity

di s cove red h i s p redilection for h e ath e n ism i n youth .

Th e n e x t ent ry r e fe rs to th e gr ea t m a ri n e di s
“
ast e r th e bu rn ing of the sh ip H o rn et o n the
,

l in e ea rly i n May o f t hat yea r F i fteen s ur

”
.

v ivo rs i n a n op e n bo a t had m anag e d to reach

H awa i i a nd Ma rk T w a in il l a t th e moment
, , ,

w ith th e a ss i s tance o f Anson B u rl i ngame and

p a rt y h a d in t e rvi ewe d them w ritt e n h is report
, ,

c a r ry i ng the fi rs t ne ws o f the dis a st e r to the out

—
s id e w orld the re b e ing i n th a t d ay no c a bl e I t .

w as a gr ea t news beat Lat e r he tu rn e d it i nto a n

-
.

“
a rticl e Fort y th re e D ay s i n a n Open Boat ”

M
-

for H arper s agazin e Re w ritten it app ea rs t o

’
.
,

da y in h i s coll e cted w orks u nd e r the ti tl e o f

“ ”
IVIy D é but as a Lite ra ry Pe rson .

I n a s ingl e voyage th e y —
g r ew o l in
a ma ri ne r s sto rm y
d
’

exp e rienc e I n th is l ittl e

. voy ag e o f 7
month s o f t hese 2
fresh y oung coll ege s tudents we re crowded t h e s or row s , ,

th e bitte r ha rdshi p s and the th ri ll in g adven tu r e s o f a

whole long li feti me before the mast .

2S
 M A R K TW A I N
S am uel Fe rguso n i s abo ut 2 8 a grad ua t e o f T rinity
Co llege Ha rt ford B Hen ry i s 1 8—a s tudent of same col
,

l ege — Capt s ay s th e boy s w e re good grit—Hen ry s u nde r

. .
,
’
.

l i p neve r qu ive r ed but once a nd th at wa s when he wa s

t ol d that th e re wa s h ardl y t he s hadow of a chance fo r
thei r rescu e and then th e fee l in g he s howed wa s ch ie fl y
,

at th e th ou g h t t hat h e wa s n eve r to see h i s c ol le g e m ates

a ny more .

Th ink of th is p raye r u tte red i n a n Op e n boat before ,

unco ve r ed fa mish ing men i n th e mids t o f t he Pa c ifi c

,

Oc e a n a nd i n the m id s t o f th e sea l as hed to fu ry by th e

ange r of a storm :
0 mo s t po w e rful and g loriou s Lo rd God at wh os e
, ,

com mand the w inds blow and l i ft up the wave s of t he

s ea and wh o s tillest th e r a g e thereof ; w e th y creatu res ,

but m iser a ble s i nne r s do i n t h i s hou r of o ur grea t dis

,
”
tre ss c ry u nto Th ee fo r h el p S ave Lo rd o r we pe r i s h
.
, ,
.

5 o c’
l ock eveni n g before
,
th ey made l and m os t m a g ,

ni fi c en t rai nbow th ey eve r s aw and s pa nn ed the widest

,
“
s pa c e Capt san g out Saved ! t he re i s the ho w of p ro m
. .

i s e boy s ! When s uch a thin g i s s een at s ea i t i s n ea rly

,
”

alway s accom m n ied by the s ign s of c omi n g s quall s a nd

t e m pes t s but i n th i s i n s tan c e the s ky wa s ma rvel o u s l y
,

cl ea r a nd enti rely free fro m s u c h s ign s .

Conve rs ation bet w ee n th e ca rpente rs o f N oah s A r k ’

,

l a ughing at h i m for a n old vi s iona ry .

Wh il e most m e n have a m a nne r of s peakin g pe cul ia r

to them s el ves no a rbitra ry sy s tem of punctuation ca n
a pply Eve ry man s hould know be s t how to pu nctuate
.

h is ow n m a nu sc ript .

Mon day J uly 30 Th i s i s t h e fi fth day of dead al m os t

mo ti onl es s c al m—a man ca n walk a c ra c k on the d eck
.
, ,

t he s hi p li es so s til l I e njoy it and bel ieve all h ands do

.
,

26
 N OT E B O O K
ex ce pt the b a b y I w rite 2 h rs a d a y and loa f th e balan c e
. . .

At thi s rat e i t wil l take me a good w h ile to fin i s h F e rgu

s on s log
’
.

I don t th i nk much o f Ha w a ii a n royal ty Yea r s a g o

’
.

when the l a t e King a nd t h e p r e s e nt King w e r e onl y

— —
Pri nces youths they t rav e led i n U S w ith the p r e mi e r . .

o f th e kingdom D r J udd an Ame rican On o n e occa

,
.
, .

s ion o n bo a rd a southe rn st e am e r th e y d id n ot go i n
,

t o di nne r a s s oon as the bel l r a ng a nd then the r e was ,

no room for them They we re o ff ended Th e c a pt a i n

. .
,

ho we v e r as s oon a s he kne w th e i r n a tion a l cha r a ct e r

, ,

h a d a t a bl e set i n a p riv a te room fo r h i ms e l f a nd the

th ree a nd ente rt a i n e d th e m i n a m a nn e r b e fitti ng th e i r
h igh r a n k That is D r Judd s story and n o doubt th e
. .
’
,

t rue one Oth e r accou nts s ay th e y we n t i n to di n n e r

.
,

but obse rv i ng th e i r bl a ck f a ces a nd u ni nformed o f th e i r

,

ra nk t h e ste w a rd en forc e d the rule o f the bo a t excl udi ng

,

color e d pe rsons from th e c a bi n t a ble Th ey w e re n a tu r a l ly .

i nc e ns e d a nd a ll th a t coul d a fte rw a rds be done fail e d to

wi pe from th e i r m inds the memory of the affront Yet a t .
,

i t s w orst i t wa s o n e w h ich wa s off e red t o the m a s n u

,

kn o wn a nd me rely p rivate i ndividu a l s and bei ng en ti rely ,

u noffi ci a l could not a ff ect th e m a s P rinc e s o r th e i r cou n

t ry th rough the m and shoul d h a ve b ee n so rec e iv e d a nd
,

s o v a l u e d The me n onl y we re i ns ult e d

. not th e P ri nces , ,

a nd th us th e i r cou nt ry w as no mor e insul t e d th a n i f t h e

affront h a d b e en off e red to th e com mon e st K a n a ka i n th e
r ea l m Th e Ki n g h a s n ev e r forgotten or forgiven th a t
.

t rifling st a b a t h is l ittle v a n ity .

B u t G re a t B rit a i n offici a ll y s eized the I sl and s i n 1 843 ,

abus e d hu m il i a t e d a nd i ns ult e d thei r King K I I I i n a

, , .

bul l y i ng and ov e rbea ring m a n ne r Th reatened th e de .

s t ruct ion o f th e l ittl e h e l ples s capital to w n w h e n i t w as

u tt e rly a t th e me rcy of hi s heavy g u n s ; a nd finally fo r c ed
27
 M A R K TWA I N
th e a cc ep ta nce of t e rm s of s o degradi ng a n a ture th a t in
t he hea rts of t h e s pi ri ted people th e memo ry of th em
would r a nkle ti ll th e end of ti m e K V h as b e en ca res sed
. .

a n d flatte red by B ritis h men o f w ars m en and so he h a s

- -

forg i ven th at deadly i n s ul t a nd fawn s upon th e n ation

th a t g ave i t .

So al s o wi th h i s dea r f riend s the F ren c h who tr eated

—
,

hi s ances to r K I I I l ike a dog who th rough thei r ad

.
,

mi ral m a rched g all antl y u pon hi s thorou g h l y h a r mless

,

an d enti rel y o rn a men tal fo rt a nd u n re s i s ted de m ol is hed

—
, , ,

it a n d s piked it s gun s a nd the n made th e poor Ki ng

s i gn an agreement th e natu re o f wh i ch m ay be st be
ex p ress ed by s ayi ng t ha t th rou g h i t metap ho r ica lly , ,

t he F ren c h n a tio n s pi t i n the fa c e o f Hawai i B u t .

du s ky Qu ee n E m ma had been fl atte red a n d fé t ed a t

t h e F rench c ou rt and 10 K V i s moll ifi ed and t h e atro
,
.

cio us act s of t he a dmi ral a re for gott en Th i s i s H awai ia n.

roya l ty .

Mi s s iona ri es ha ve made hones t men o ut of th e n ation

of th ieves ; ins ti tuted m a rria g e ; cr eated home s ; li fted
wom a n to s a me rights and p rivileg es enjoyed elsewhe re ;
abo l is hed i n fanti c ide ; abol i s h ed i ntempe r a nce ; d i m in i s hed
l i cen tiou s nes s ; given equal l aw s whe reby c h ie f s powe r
,
’

of l i fe and death ove r hi s s ubj e ct s i s take n away ; i n a

g reat mea s u re a bol i s hed idol at ry ; h ave wel l edu ca ted th e
peopl e .

C a pt s ay s s ail o r s ( of the H o rnet ) l ike gr ea t s t upid

.

child ren h a dn t been a n hou r as ho r e till t hey we r e

’

g ro w l i ng abo ut the g rub a nd s mu gg l in g g rea t s la b s of

pork th rou g h native s to add to th ei r ra tio ns o f t ea a n d
bi sc u it On e m a n nea rly k illed h i ms el f fi r st day ea ti n g
—
.
,

fru it c a me n ea r dyi ng that n igh t Co x s at bes ide Capt

o n s ho re a n d wa s eating a c ocoa nut—Ca p t co n fisc a t ed
. .

—
.

it and th rew it away Co x thought i t h a r d trea t m en t o f

a p oor dev il wh o had be en s ta rv i ng 43 da ys .

28
 MA R K TWA I N
h ad cause t o feel un com fo r table Most A m e ri ca ns who .

have l iv ed any con s ide rable ti me the re all s eem to h ave

los t w hateve r of i mpul s ive n ess fra n k Open ne ss and ,

wa rm th of feel in g they m ay h ave poss ess ed before a nd ,

be come cal cu l ati n g s u s p ici ou s r e s e rv ed col d a nd di s

tan t They h ave c a s ed th em s elves i n a s hel l —d on t b e
, , ,
’
.

l ieve they w ould wel co me a nybody and i f by ch an ce

t hey a re betrayed i nto co m i n g out of i t and displayin g
th ei r ol d ti me viva city an d n atu raln es s fo r an hou r th ey
-

wi ll d raw i nto it a g ai n a s s oon a s th ey cool do wn The re .

i s l i ttl e soc i abil i t y a nd g e n u ine f ri endsh i p exi sti n g a mo ng

th e fa m il ie s of forei gn e r s l ivin g i n t h e I s l ands th ou g h ,

there i s some s how of i t by way of keepin g up appea r

auce s On e woul d ex pe ct th e Op pos i te fro m a cl a ss s hu t
.

out a s t hey a re from th e rest of th e world They l ive wi t h i n

th em s elve s—wi thi n t hei r s hell a nd a re no t i f I may be
.

—
,

allo w ed to s u gg e st i t n ot happy I thou g h t diffe rentl y

.
,

at fi rst I thou g h t t hey we re th e happi es t people I h ad

.

eve r s een They do l ook s e rene and contented but th ey

.
,

a re not Thei r hea rts a re not dead but fa r a w ay—at

.
,

home Th ey th i nk often o f h ome and th i s ab s ence

of m an s l i fe —es s en c e—h i s feel i ngs h is affection s h i s in
.
,
’
, ,

t e res t s h a s mu c h to do wi t h t h ei r s ee min g so i ndi ff e rent

and re s e rved n o d oub t , .

A ma n neve r rea c h es that d izzy hei g ht o f wi s do m when

he c a n no lon g e r be l ed by the nos e .

Sailors ’
H o m e rs
Th es e boys h ave been mou rned a s dead fo r n ea rl y 4

home ci rcle “ —
month s Th ink of th e th ril l of the fi rst tel e g ra m to that
.

Crew a n d pa ss e ng e rs of Hornet a rrived

s afe.
”

Capt kn ew for day s that mu rde rou s d i s conte n t w a s

.

b rewi n g by th e di st r a u g h t ai r o f some o f t h e m en a n d
, ,

30
 N OT E B O O K
he s ta y ed on gu a rd Sl e pt no more—kept hi s hat c het
. bid
and cl os e a t h a nd .

No t e:
’
on H e n ry F ergus o n s L og
F rom da y a fte r th e sh i p bu rnt til l the 1 at h he p ut
“
s i mpl y the ( to h i m ) e loq uent w ord do l d ru m s ”
.

Th e storms du ri ng th e fi rst fort night he c all ed th e

aw fules t w ind s q u al ls th e most t e r rific thu nd e r a nd bl i nd
,

i ng l ightning h e eve r s aw a nd bl a ck a s i nk i n abse nce

o f l ightn ing—c a us e d to st e e r i n a ll di r e ctions —Ra ined
,

5 ti mes a s h a rd a s i n the St a t e s .

Sa w wa t e rspout o n 1 7t h Th i nks it migh t b e a pleasant

—
.

s igh t from a s hi p Menti on s th e sta r m istaken fo r s hip s ’

l i g ht
.

F ro m t he L og

Dist res s ed by s w ordfis h c a vo rt i ng a round th e b o a t for

—
some ti me I mm e nse o n e Pas s e d som e s eaweed and
.

s ome t h ing that look e d l ike tru nk o f old tree bu t n o bi rd s

—begin ni ng to be afraid Isl a nds not the re Tod ay it w as
,

s aid to th e Capt and i n th e hea ri n g of a l l that s ome o f

.
, ,

th e me n would not sh ri nk when a m a n w as d e ad from

, ,

u si ng th e fl e s h though they w ould not kill Hor ribl e ! God

,
.

give us all ful l use of o u r r ea s on and s pare u s f r om s u c h

t h in gs !

3 !
 CHAPTER V

A G rim V oy ag e t o N ew Y ork

Man x Tw a m fou nd h i m s el f m ore at sea in

S a n F rancisco t h an du rin g tho s e ocean day s of
d ri fti ng cal m He w as u nce rtai n w h ich wa y t o
.

tu rn Hi s l ite rary ventu re s w e re nei t h e r s ati s

.

facto ry no r p rofitable A lectu re on the i s l a nd s

.

wh ich hi s fri end s u rged h i m to del ive r w a s much

more s ucc es s ful and h e tou red th e co a st with i t
th at wi nte r Wi th cons iderable ready money in
.

hand he d e c ided now to retu r n h o m

, t er a n
ab s ence o f five and a hal f yea r s I n the ba c k of .

hi s head wa s a pla n for a t ri p a round the worl d ,

i ncl udin g a vi s it to Anson B u rl i nga me w ho had ,

i nvited hi m to Pe ki n g He would begi n his t ravels

.

by s ail in g fo r Ne w York vi a th e I sth mu s of ,

N ica ra g ua He bough t a new notebook which h e

.

l a b e led .

F ro m S an F ra nc is c o t o New Yo rk by w ay of
San j a m : a nd G rey Tow n I s t h m us - .

S ailed from Sa n F rancisco i n Oppos ition s tea m e r ,

A m eric a Capt Wakema n at noon 1 st h Dec 1 866

,
.
, . .

Plea s ant s u nny day h ill s b ri g h tl y c lad w i th g ree n gr a ss

,

and s h rubbe ry
Runaway mat c h —b oa rded by i r ate fathe r and b og u s
.

pol i ce ma n—Repul s ed by pa ss en g e r s—Lo ve vi c toriou s

Fi rs t n i g ht a tem pes t—the greate s t s e e n on t hi s c oa st
.

—
for many yea r s though oc cupyi n g a n out s ide be rt h on
uppe r de c k i t yet did not s ee m so ro ug h to us a s i t di d
3 2
 N OT E B O O K
to thos e belo w and we r e m a i ned i n bed al l ni g ht wh il e ,

the othe r p a ss e nge rs r ea l izing the great dan g e r a ll got up

a nd d ressed .

T h e s hi p w a s do w n t oo m uch b y the head a nd j ust ,

dogg e dly fought th e se a s i nst ea d o f cli mbi ng ov e r th e m

,
.

N ea rl y eve rybody s e a s ick H a ppil y I e s c a p e d— H a d .

som e th i n g wors e—l ay i n bed and received p a s s e ngers ’

repo rt s .

A sea th a t b rok e ove r the s hip about m idnigh t ca rried

a wa y 2 0 ft o f th e bulwa rks forwa rd Th e for wa rd c a bi n
. .

w as drenched with wa te r and the st ee rag e f a i rly flood e d

a c a s e o f cl a r e t flo a ted i nto a st a te room i n th e for wa rd
c a bi n The w a t e r m ust h a v e be e n 6 i n d ee p i f a c a se o f
. .

cl a ret flo a t o r wa sh at all A m a n s boots w e r e wa shed

, ,
.
’

to fa rt he r end o f the room V a rious thi ngs we re a floa t . .

They p rep a red the boat s fo r e m e rgency .

Ol d sh i p c a pt a i n of 2 8 y ea rs e x pe ri e nce s aid he h ad ’

n eve r se e n th e eq u a l of th is storm H e i nst ruct e d a fri e nd .

to st a y by h i m till a l l b ut th e s h ip s offic e rs we re ad rift ’

and he a nd th e y would m ake a r a ft — “

Cu rs e the bo a ts i n
s uch a s ea a nd s uch a lot of p a sseng e rs M e n w e re p r a y .

ing a ll a bout the c a bi n on th e i r kn e es B ro w n went to o n e .

“ “
a nd s a id : W hat s the m a tte r ? a nd he said : O don t
”’
,
’

tal k to m e Oh my ! P a ss e nge r s a id h e h a d se rved 1 4

.
”

ye a rs at sea but cons idered h is t i me h ad come n ow bu t

, ,
“
a dd e d : I f an y body c a n s ave he r it s o ld W a kema n ” 1 ’
.

I pe rc e ive by th es e th i n gs th at w e m ight h a ve gone t o

—
th e bottom u n awa r e th a t we w e re i n d a nge r w hy the
Aj a x cu t up w orse i n a de a d c a l m .

Su nd a y 1 6th Th i s is a long long n ight I occupy lowe r

.
,
.

be rt h a nd re a d and s mok e by sh i p s l a nte rn borrow ed ’

,

from the st ewa rd I w on th e m iddle be rth but gav e i t

.
,

Ca pta i N d Wak m a lat t fi gu e i R ughi g I t

n e e n, er o r n o n as
“C a
p
t i Ned O kley
a n d
a
“Ca ptai St m fi ld i t h V i it
,
”
an as n or e
”
n e s to
H eav en Ca pt Wakem a l pp a r
. . Cap t H u i e j
n a so a e s as . r r can on es, in
“R m b li
a g N nt f I dle E
o es o u i an xc rs on .
”

33
 MAR K TWA IN
to Sm i th be cau s e h e i s se as i ck a n d we h ave p iled our
wi nes books and s mall t rap s i n the u ppe r one
I don t k n ow what time it i s—m y watch i s run do w n
.
,
’

I th i nk it i s 7 be ll s i n the 3 rd watch but I a m n o t ce rt a in ,

th e w i nd may h a ve blown away one tap o f t h e h ell

w e hea r i t ve ry fain tly a w ay up he r e anyway , .

Th u rs day 2 oth A t noo n 5 day s o ut from S a n F r a n

.
,

ci sco a bre as t a h i g h s tretch of l and at foot o f Ma gdalen a

B ay Capt came and s aid : Come out he re ( w e had
. .

j ust got into wa rm weathe r and cove red the whole afte r
p a rt of th e ve ss el wit h awn ings maki ng it extremely c ool
—
,
“
a nd sh a d y ) I w ant to s how you someth in g Took the”

m a ri ne gl a s s —Wh al e s h i p a t anchor u nde r the bl u ff s

.

O ne l isted a nd hoistin g va s t ma ss o f bl ubbe r aboa rd Capt . .

“
s aid : Now toni g ht th ey l l t ry i t out o n deck a nd i t will
’

loo k l ike a whole s h i p o n fi re The fi rs t ti me I eve r s aw

i t w a s i n 50 s—I c a me along he re j ust afte r da rk—s aw a
.

,
—
s h i p on fi re appa ren tly I didn t know the count ry ’

d idn t da re to g o i n the re with th e sh i p so I s ent a boat

’

c re w and sai d Pul l for you r l iv e s d n you a nd tell the

,
‘
,
’
,

ca pt a in I l l l ay he re for a week and send h i m all the

’

a ss ist a nce I ca n and th e n ca r ry hi s people to Sa n F ra n

cis co W e l l w e laid to a nd wa ited a nd waited—all t h e
.
’
, ,

p as seng e r s on deck and an xi ou s fo r boat to come back

a nd r e po rt —but 1 0 o cl ock no boa t —1 1 o cloc k no boat
’ ’

—
, ,

p ass e nge r s bega n to get ti red and s idle o to bed 1 2

ff
O cloc k no boat—e ve ry pa ss enge r ga v e up a nd went below
,
’

ex c ept one old woman s h e s tuck it out a n d n eve r took he r

,

ey e s o ff the fi re .

“
By a nd by at back t he boat com e and I and
, ,

the old w oman crowded to the l ee r ai l t o s ee a n d hea r i t

—
all c ouldn t see any extr a me n Th e offic e r of th e b oa t
’
.

s tepped on de c k and l i fted h i s hat a n d s ay s : The c a ptai n

‘

o f the s hip se nd s g reat g rat ifi ca t ion—g r eat obl iga ti ons

an d th a nks you fo r y o u r tr ouble an d good intention, bu t

34
 N OT E B O O K
h e a i n t i n t rouble b ut q u ite the reve rs e—i s ful l of o il
’
,

a nd re a d y to U p a nchor tomorro w a nd is givi ng h is cr e w

a big blo w o ut o n deck a nd i s illu m i n a ting Sends h is good
-
.

w is h e s for s ucc e ss a nd hop e s yo u w il l acc e pt th i s bo a t

,

lo a d o f A l s ea tu rtl e s Th e old w oman l e a ned ove r th e

-
.
’

r a il a nd sh a d e d h e r e y e s from th e l a nt e rn and s h e s aw ,

th e m v a rmi nts fl a ppi ng th e i r fl ipp e rs ab out i n th e bo a t

a nd s h e s a ys F o r the l a nd s s a k e I sot h e r e a nd sot h e r e
‘ ’
,

al l th i s bl e ss e d n ight c a lcul a ti ng t o s ee a w hol e bo a tload

o f sorro w ful ro a st e d corps e s a nd now i t ai n t noth i n a fte r
’ ’

a ll but a lot o f n asty tu rtl e s .

’

D e ce mbe r midnight Smoot h s ea o r r a the r j ust

2 2 nd .
-

ri ppl e d w ith a pl ea s a nt b re e z e— pe rf e ctl y f a i r w i nd

ya rds s q u a r e d— s p l e ndid ful l moon— sh ip ridi ng a long
—
pl a cidl y i n ful l vi ew o f M e ic a n s hore a ll i n b e d b ut
x

m e—n ight is m agn ifi c en t — t e mp e ratu r e t oo soft—bal my , , ,

del iciou s .

F r om th e n e x t e nt ry i t i s cl e a r th a t C a ptai n
N e d W a k e m a n w as b e gi n n ing to t a k e s h a p e i n
M a rk T wa i n s i m a gin a tion as l it e r a ry m a te ri a l
’
.

I d r a th e r t r a v e l w ith t h a t old portl y hea rt y j oll y

’
, , ,

boist e rous good n a tu r e d s a ilor C a pt N e d W a ke m a n

,
-
,
.
,

th a n wi th a n y oth e r m a n I e v e r c a m e a cross H e n e v e r .

d rinks a nd n e v e r pl ay s c a rds ; h e n eve r s wea rs e x c e pt i n

th e p rivacy o f h is o w n q u a rte rs w ith a friend o r so and , ,

th e n h is feats o f f a ncy bl a s ph e my a re c a lcul at e d to fil l the

b earer w ith aw e a nd a dm i r a tion H is ya rns —j ust a s I got .

th a t f a r C a pt W c a me i n s wea ti ng and puffi ng fo r

. .
, ,

w e a re off the f a r south e rn coast o f Mexi co and the

wea th e r is a l ittl e s ul try a nd he s a id : ,
“
Sp ea ki ng of rats once i n Honol ul u m e and old
,

—
Jos e p hus h e wa s a Je w and g ot rich a s C rozs us i n San ,

F a fte rwa rds — w e we r e goi ng home as passeng e rs from

t h e S I i n a b rand new b rig o n he r 3 rd voya g e—and ou r
.

-
. .

35
 M AR K TWA I N
trunk s we r e dow n belo w He wen t wi th m e — l aid over
on e ves s e l to do it —be c a u s e he wa r n t n o s ailo r a n d h e
.

l ik ed to be w i th a ma n th at was—and the b ri g was s l idi ng

out be twe e n the buoy s a nd he r h ead l i ne wa s payin g out -

a s hore The re wa s a w ood p il e ri g ht whe re the l ine w a s

.
-

made fa s t to th e pie r and up co me t he d a mnd e st bi gg es t

rat—a s bi g a s a n ordi na ry c a t h e wa s—and da rted out
,

on th a t l i ne and c ante red fo r t h e s hore- a nd up ca me

anot he r—and a n oth e r—an d ano the r—and away they
g alloped ove r th at h aws e r—e ach o n e treadin g on t oth e r s ’ ’

t a il till they we re so th ick th a t you co uld n t see a th rea d ’

of th e ca bl e a nd t he re wa s a p roc e ss ion o f e m 2 0 0 ya rd s ’

lon g ove r th e levee l ike a st reak of an ts —and th e K a naka s

,

s ome th row i n g s ticks from th at wood pil e and ch u n k s o f -

l ava and c or al at e m and kn ockin g e m e nd w a y s a nd

’ ’

eve ry w hich way B u t do you s pose i t made any diffe r enc e

—
’
.

to th em rat s ? Not a pa rticle not a pa rticl e ble ss you r ,

s oul —they neve r l et up ti ll the l ast rat w as ashore ou t of

that b rand new beau ti ful b ri g I cal led a Kanaka wi th
-
.

hi s boat a nd h e hove alon gs ide and s hi nned up a r ope

,

a nd s ay s I : Do you s ee that t ru nk down th e re ? Ai

‘ ’ ‘
.
’

‘
Clatt e r i t a s hore a s q uick as G od ll l et you ’
.
’

“
Jos ephu s th e J ew s ay s : What a re you doi n g Ca p
, ,
‘
,

tain ? and I s ay s : Doin g ? Why I m a takin g m y t r u n k

’ ‘ ’
-

as hore th at s wha t I m a d oin g !

,
’ ’
-
’

“
Taki n g you r tru n k a s hore ? Wh y bles s us wh at i s
th at for ? ’

“
What i s i t for ? s ay s I— D O you s ee them r ats ? Do
’ ‘

you n otice the m ra ts a leaving th i s s h i p ? She s d oo med

’
-
,

Si r- s he s doomed ! B u r nt b randy would n t s ave he r S i r !

’ ’
,

S he l l nev e r fi ni s h th i s v oya g e She l l neve r be hea rd o f

'
.
’

a g ai n Si r
, .
’

“
J os eph us sa y s : Bo y take tha t othe r t r unk a s hore t oo
‘
,
.
’

“
An d d o n t you k no w S i r th at b r i g s ailed out of
’

, ,

Honol ul u wi tho u t a r at a boa r d and wa s n eve r s ee n

again by m ortal m an S i r W e w ent i n a n ol d t u , b so .
,

3 6
 MA R K TWA I N
s t ret c h ing th ei r ch a rmi n g m aze of fes t oons b ri g h t wi th
t hei r b e autiful blos som s s om e s cound rel i nte rru pts with :
,
“
You d oughte r go ne a s hore th e re whe re we wooded
’

b an an ne r t rees till you c ould n t re s t—l eave s 7 ft lon g

,
’
.

a nd 1 % ft wide and na t ive s doi ng s ometh i n g o r othe r

wi th coffee trees —what is it —
.
,

and wha t we r e t hey d o i ng

”
i t for ?
I g ot up and left .

—
Sa n Jua n B a y Neat l it tl e s em i c i rcl e s h ut i n by w ooded
h ills Fi ne b r e eze Mu s t rema i n thi s a fte rnoon and l e ave
ea rl y i n A Mon accou nt o f chole ra b rou g ht by San
—
. .

ti a go —30 0 soldie r s and s everal hu nd red pa ss enge rs

.

2 6 death s a mong forme r and 9 of l atte r a nd 40 o f n a ti v es

—a ll i n past 1 1 day s—a ll s ub s ided now .

Dec 2 8 Le ft San J u an i n ca rri age s —n a tive d ri ve rs

—
. .

a rmed with lon g kn ive s nati ve s oldie rs ba re footed w ith ,

m us k e ts Th reaten ed wa r between 2 ca ndidates for Pres i

—
.

deney of Republ ic of Nica ragu a c ase of a conte s ted elec

tion —p res e nt P re s ident goin g t o h o ld h i s posis h a nd whi p
both pa rtie s .

Long p roces s ion of hor s emen and h ack s —beauti ful

road a nd c ool rai ny atmos phe re Al l o n l ookout for wi ld
, .

m onkey s .

Or a n g e banana a g u a rdiente c off ee hot corn ca rved

c u p s—
, , , , ,

s tand s p ret ty native women ru ffles a round bo t

, ,

t o m of d re ss .

Sn ake c ac tu s cla s pin g t ree s Calaba s h t ree s One ha ck . .

brok e dow n Th reat e n ed blood s hed betwee n pa ss en ge rs

.

and d rive rs .

B ea uti ful bre ezy l a k h -a ci rc u s tent moun tai n s—! lo ud

3 8
 N OT E B O O K
—
ca pped w ood ed dens e l y to su mm it s s ave w h e re l ava
p a ss e d—On e 42 0 0 ft —o th e r 5 40 0 ft look h igh e r—ve ry
,

. .

beauti ful w ith thei r sol id cro w n o f clouds a nd ris i ng

a b rup t l y from wa t e r—co ff ee c a ttl e tob a cco corn — a ll
, , ,

s orts of r a nch e s o n —
the m ra ise eve ryth i ng w i th no
t rouble s plendid temp e ratu re
-
.

Ch anged bo a ts a nd st a rted do w n lovel y Sa n Ju a n

Ri ve r a t 4 A
,
M s a l uting o ld Fort S a n C a rlos w ith 3
.

—
whis t l e s B a n k full s pots o f gr a ss —trees l ike c y p ress
—
blos som i ng t r ee s— tr ee s so f e stoon e d w i t h vi n e s t h a t th e y
l ook l ik e vi n e cl a d to w e rs o f a nci e nt fort ress e s —gre a t
-

t r e e f e rns and t a l l gr a ceful cl umps o f bamboo —a ll m a n

-

ne r o f t r e es a nd bush e s and all so w ov e n tog e th e r w i t h a

ch a rm ing l ace w ork o f vi nes that a monkey c a n t cli mb ’

th rough .

On fi rst S a n Ju an Rive r s teame r man at compan ion

way s a id : Non e but fi rst c a bi n a llo we d up h e r e—y ou
“

fi rst c a bin ? w ith a most ofl en sive e mph as is— a nd let a

” '

f l —
whol e slu ice o s t e er a ge p a ss u nch a l eng e d q u ite a
compl i ment to m y p e rson al a ppe a r a nce .

On the s e cond riv e r bo a t ch a lleng e d me f a ith fully a nd

pa ss ed the othe r fi rs t cabi n u nch a ll e ng e d .

M a rk T wa i n h ad been r a nked a s a d resse r ”

on th e Ri v e r but appa rently di d not con side r

,

i t wo rt h wh il e to a rra y hi msel f fo r tr a vel .

Town o f Casti ll o w h e re w e w alk e d 30 0 y a rds a n d

ch anged bo a t s belo w rapids—o ld rom a nti c doby castl e
o f a fort on top of s te e p grass dom e 2 0 0 —
ft h igh 1 4 , .

h ouse s unde r h ill and den s e v in e-c l ad fol ia g e appea ri n g

beyond .

N a ti ve th at ch ed hous es—c offee e ggs b rea d ci ga rs and

, , , ,

39
 MAR K TWA I N
f rui t for s al e—d el iciou s —roc buy s p retty mu c h anyt h i ng
a nd i n great q uan t i ty Ca l i fo r ni a n s can t u nde rs tand how
.
’

1 0 or asc ca n b uy a s u mptuou s l un c h of coffee e ggs ,

an d b r ead .

V i ne fe s t oo ned te rr a c e conc ealed hill s l ike a w eb

-

co uldn t bel ieve th ey we re h ills except that uppe r t ree s

’
,

towe red too h igh t o be on th e bank level

fai ry ha rbor s —tu nn e ls
.

Da rk grottos , tem ple s ,

col u mn s p ill a rs towe rs p il a s te r s te rraces pyra mid s

, , , , , ,

mounds dom es wal l s i n e n dl es s confusion of v ine work

, ,
-

no shape no a rc h ite c tu re un i mitated—a nd al l so webbed

, ,

togethe r with vi ne s t hat s ho rt distance s with i n a re only

g ain ed by g l i m pse s—monkey s he re a nd the re—b i rds
wa rbl i ng—g org eou s pl u ma ged b i rd s on t he wi n g—pa ra
-

di s e it se l f—the i mpe ri al r eal m o f b e auty nothing to wi s h ,

for to make i t pe rfe ct

The ch angin g vi s ta s o f t h e r ive r—c o rne r s a nd poi n ts
.

foldin g backwa rd retrea ti n g a nd u nveil in g n ew wonde r s

,

beyond of to w e rin g wall s of ve rd u re g lea mi ng c ata racts

of vi nes —wonde rful wate rfal l s o f g l itte ri ng leaves a s
, ,

de ftly ove rl appi n g each o the r a s th e sc al es o f a fi s h

a va s t g reen w al l — s ol id a m oment then a s we adva nce ,

ch an gi n g and ope ni n g i n to Go th i c wi ndows c olo n nades ,

all manne r of qu ai n t and cha rmin g s hapes ( dam n the

bla c k gua rd with the da m a g ed pl u g ha t o n wh o i s l ooki n g

o ve r m y s ho ulde r a s I m ake thes e n ote s o n the boile r
dec k ) .

“
M rs G ru ndy ( all i n b rown ) damned old m eddli ng
”

m o r al izi n g fool—s aid I w as n o bette r t ha n I o ugh t

.
,

to be .

“
Th e c h o i r s ang the da mn edes t oldes t vile s t s on gs s u c h , , ,

as
‘
Ma rc h ing th rough Georgia Whe n Joh nnie c omes ,
’ ‘

Ma rc h in g Home Old Dog T r ay J u s t before the B attle

’ ‘ ’ ‘

M
, ,

othe r etc When they s an g hy mn s they did well an d

,
’
.

4c
 N OT E B O O K
made good mu sic b ut dam n thei r oth e r e ffo rts —and b e
s ides th ey n e ve r i n v it e d me to s ing a n y ho w ”
,
.

Man y gr ea t l a zy all i g ator s on bank sleepi ng i n t he ,

s un—b right pl um a ged p a rrots fl y i n g a bov e th e t rees

-

bi rds with g a y pl u m a ge a nd gr e at hook e d vill ai nous bill s

s uch a s we s ee i n th e menage rie—long le gged long -
,

n e cked bi rds th a t rise a w kwa rdly from the edge o f th e

j ungl e crook thei r n e cks l ike a n S s ho v e thei r long b ill s
, ,

forwa rd a nd th ro w th e i r long legs o ut b e h i nd l ike a st ee r

i ng o ar when th e y a re fl yin g— a nd monkeys c a pe ring
a mong the t r ee s— these a re the s igns o f th e t ropics .

At fi r s t ev e ry body a polog ized for comi ng th is w a y and

s a id i t must b e don e me r e ly to see the cou nt ry a nd g et it
o ff h is m ind — a s ort o f compul s ory s e nse o f duty— n e v e r
—
should come th i s wa y a g ai n of cou rs e but n ow o n th e
,

S a n J u a n Ri v e r with al l this ench antm e nt a rou nd us a nd

a fte r coming ove r wh a t w e h ave pass e d th rough a nd d e
cid e d th a t i t h as b ee n noth ing b ut a comfort a bl e che e rful , ,

s atis factory pl ea su re t ri p w e al l begi n t o confe ss th a t i f

, ,

we w e re al r e ad y th rough ou r bu s i nes s i n the St a t es a nd

r e ad y to r e tu rn we s hould be u n com monl y apt to come
th is way afte r all .

New Yea r s Eve

’
1 866 . the fl oor a n d h ammock s
Slept on

at Wood ya rd fi rst n ight o ut from C a stillo St a rt e d a t

M
.

2 A . and got to G r e y To w n at d ay l ight Fou nd v e ssel

. .

San F ranci sco the re— took the m al l da y to tr a ns fe r b a g

gage and to remove the 2 s e t s o f s teerage passen g e r s .

Ki n g ma n told the m i n j oke u pto w n our steer ag e a nd sec

o n d c abin h ad s mall pox and they anchored e m o ut ’
- .

Much crowded all night a nd w ouldn t l et any come a shore ’

du ri ng d a y We st a yed aboa rd most of the day a nchor e d

M
.
,

o ut and slept u pto w n — had to come t o boat a t 6 A . .

At 7 Capt Me rrey s en t us i n s u rf bo a ts i n rai n s tor m

.

our b o a t h ad to go to t h e N i c a r a gua a n d fi ni s h he r c o m

4 1
 MAR K TWA I N
pl em ent s econd c a bin pas s en ge r s—a
wi th -

ca me n ea r being s wa mped by them Took 3 .

emba rk th e New York pa ss en g e r s and then

de r w ay .

Everl a sti ng cu r s e s o n the man w ho i nve n ted the

vi ll a i nous l ittl e l amp they put i n a man s state room on ’

s h i pbo a rd That is as hone s t a praye r as I eve r utt e red

. .

Jan 2 Al l ri g h t now on th i s s h i p go t plenty of ice

. .
,

and ice w ate r no more mel ti n g he re i n the t ropic s

-
, .

Th a t in fernal monkey i s h avin g a pe rfe ct ca rnival all to

hi ms e l f Smith and K ingman gave h i m a g ood squ a re
d ri nk of b randy and now he fe e l s it —o n e moment he i s
.

i n th e qua rte r boat ab rea s t my room and t he next he i s

at t h e top g a ll ant cros st ree s a nd s campe ring wi ldly from
-

rope to rope cape rin g out on the ya rd s l ike a l un a tic

,

th e di zzy hei g ht th e blowi n g o f the g ale a nd the pl un g i n g

,

of the s h i p h ave no te rror s fo r h i m .

A s ailor sc a red the monkey a w h il e ago and h e j umped

from the top g all ant ya rd a r m and cau g ht a ba ck s tay o r
-

somethi n g away down 20 o r 30 ft below . .

The next note i s b rie f but ominou s ,

J an . 2, 1 867 . Two ca s e s o f chole ra repo rted i n the

s tee ra g e today .

Kin g man s repo rt of s ma ll po x kep t the stee rage f rom

’
-

gett i ng as hore at G r ey Town and now I d on t more th an ,

’

ha l f b e l ie v e h i s repo rt t h a t the r e a r e 2 c a s es yel low feve r

( c hole ra !) belowdeck s .

Got capta i n s pe r m i ss ion to h ave a s afe ty l ante rn i n

’

my room .

4 P . MJan
The s u rg eon of the s h i p ha s j u s t re
. . 2 .

po rted to the ca pta i n i n my hea ri n g t ha t 2 of th e cas es

“ “ ”
are migh ty bad a nd the th i rd awful bad !
.

42
 N OT E B O O K
Th is i s neithe r chole r a n o r y el lo w f e v e r I s uspect ,

th e s e m e n h ave b ee n ea ti ng gre e n tropic a l fru it and w as h

i ng i t down w i t h vil lainous a gu a rdi e nt e .

A s h ip i s p recisely a l it t l e vill a g e whe re goss ip s ab o u nd

a nd w he r e eve ry ma n s bus i n e ss is h is n e ighbor s
’ ’
.

Th e p rosp e ct o f goi ng i nto q u a r a ntin e for 30 d a ys i s

wor ry i ng the p a ss e ng e rs l ik e e v e rything
M —
.

7 P. N e ith
. e r o f th e s ick m e n q uite dead yet t h e

s hi p h a s stopp e d h e r wheels .

P a ss e ng e rs grow l l e ss this t ri p th a n a ny I eve r s aw ,

but th ey w il l gro w l som e o n a l l t ri ps no matt e r h ow ,

f a vor a ble e v e ryth i ng is .

Custom house l ist mu s t be made Up by pu rse r w h o

-
,

m a kes it Up a ccordi ng to h is o w n notion thus ,

“
Miss Sm ith 4 5 mi l l i ne r I r e l a nd ( a nd s h e young and
, , ,

wea l thy )
—
Ma rk T wa i n b a rk ee p e r T e rr a d e l Fu e go
, , .

On e o f th e s ick m e n is b a d Th is c a lls for Rev F ackle r . .

aga i n ( 1 0
I t wa s chol e r a o f a m a l ign a nt type .

Th e m a n w as bu ried ove rboa rd at a l ittle p a st 1 0 P . M

.

J a n 2 Midnight anoth e r p a ti e nt a t t h e poi nt o f de a th

. .
, .

Th ey a r e fill ing h i m up wi th b r a ndy

—
.

2 b e ll s —the m a n i s de a d 4 b e l ls h e is c a s t ove r
.

bo a rd—e x p e dition is th e word i n th e se cro w ded ste e rages .

J a n 3 Ou r t rOp ic d ri nk :
. .

9 4 lb .o f s ug a r I V; lbs o f ic
,
e 1 doz l i m e s 1 l e mon
.
,
.
, ,

1 or a ng e h a l f a bottl e of b r a ndy Put i n a

,
gallon ice .
-

pitch e r a nd fil l U p w ith wa te r
M
.

Jan 3.
,
P Astonis h e d to h ea r 3 b e lls —b ee n
. .

sitti ng h e re r ea di ng so long I n e v e r thought o f its m ea n

—
i ng a nyth i n g el s e than h al f pas t o e w ent to ge t s hip
n

43
 —
M A R K TWA I N
ti m e fi n d i t is onl y 3 bells i n th e fi rst wa tch I t .

s t o rm y tonight th at m ost of th e pa ss en ge rs h ave

to bed s eas ick long a g o , .

We a re to be o ff th e coa s t of Cuba tomo r ro w

say—I c a nn o t bel ieve it
,

Folded his h ands afte r h i s s to rm y l i fe and s l ept i n

se r e nes t repos e u nde r the peaceful s ighing of the su mme r
w i nd a mong t h e g r a sses ove r h is g rav e .

A ca ptai n wh o c a m e abo a r d a t G r ey To wn whe re i n ,

3 yea r s h e h ad wor n o u t h is con st i tution and de s troyed

hi s hea l th l i nge red u nti l 1 0 th i s morn ing and then di ed
,

a nd was s hoved ove rboa rd h al f a n hou r a fte rwa rd s ewed ,

up i n a blanket wi th 6 lbs of i ron He l eave s a wi fe at

. .

Roc he s te r N Y Th i s make s the 4t h death on s hipb o a rd

,
. .

s ince we left Sa n F ra nci sco .

Mrs G ru ndy s eems to be still o n hi s min d

. .

He e v en compos e s some p oe t ry about he r

S h e talketh sc andal al l day lon g
With fal s e mal icious tongue .

She d bl ast th e b righte s t cha ra cte r

’

That eve r poet s un g .

Jan 5 W e a re to put i n at Key W es t Fl or ida to day

— —
. .
, ,

fo r coal for ball a s t ao t hey s ay but r a t he r fo r medi

c ines pe rhap s—the phy s ic l oc ke r 1s a bo ut pu mped d ry
,

—
.
,

7 c a s es si c kne ss ye s te rday d idn t a m ou n t to anyth i ng

’
.

Co l Ki nney p re t ty s i c k al l n i g h t with chole r a o r

.

c hol e ra morbu s .

S ha pe i s sa id to be dying of c hole ra th i s morn i ng , .

The re a r e hal f a doze n on t he s i c k l i s t today The .

c us sed fools let t h e di a rrhea run 2 or 3 day s a nd th en ,

44
 MARK TWA I N
m e ns e s i gn t h at al l ca n r ead : n o c ha rge for m edi c al at
tendance w hateve r—put it so all can read it .
”

I told th e capta i n th i s mornin g that the fea r of d oc

tor s bill s was one ch ief reason w hy the stee rage pa ss e n
’

g er s we r e conceal i n g thei r ill ne ss ti ll the l a s t m oment .

Ja n 5 2 P
.
, . M
A s the boy s com e to my r oo m on e a fte r
.
,

anothe r ( I a m abed ) I ob s e rve a ma rked ch an g e i n t hei r

,
—
deme a nor du rin g the l a st h al f hou r they report that the
m i ni s te r onl y s ick a n hou r o r maybe two i s al ready ve ry
, , ,

—
lo w that a ho s pital h as been fitted up i n th e s teera g e
a nd h e h a s b e en remov e d th ithe r .

Ve rily the s hip is fa s t becom in g a fl oa ti n g hos pital he r

—
sel f not a n hou r passe s but b ring s i ts fre s h s en s ation ,

its ne w dis a ste r— its mel ancholy tidi ngs .

When I th i nk o f poor Shape and the p rea c he r both s o ,

w ell w hen I sa w th e m ye s te rd a y e veni n g I real ize th a t I ,

m y sel f may be dead tomorro w .

Since the l a s t t w o hou rs a l l l aughte r al l levi ty h a s

c e a sed i n the s h i p—a settl e d gloom i s upon th e fa ces o f
, ,

the pas s en g e r s .

Jan 5 4 P
.
,
. M
The u n fortunate mi ni s te r i s dyi ng—h e
.

h a s h idd en us all good by e and now l ie s ba rely bre a thi ng

- .

Hi s n a m e is R e v J G Fackl e r and he wa s on h i s way

. . .
,

to the Stat e s to g et his w i fe a nd fa mily .

The pa ss enge r s a re fea rfully exe rc ised a n d wel l they ,

may be poo r devils fo r we a re about t o see o u r fi f th

, ,

d ea t h i n five days a nd the s ixth o f the voyage The

,
.

s u rgeon a mo s t exc ellen t you n g m a n a Ma s on a nd a

, ,

fi rs t rate phy s icia n a nd o ne o f c on s ide r abl e p r a c ti c e ha s

-
,

done al l h e c ould to al lay t hei r fea r by tell ing the m h e ha s

al l the m e d i c i nes he want s t hat t h e d i s ea s e i s only a ,

vi ru l e nt s ort of di a r r hea chole ra m o rbu s et c , , .

Di scov e ri ng that he w a s a Ma s o n I t oo k h i m a s ide a n d ,

as ked h i m a pla i n s tate m en t fo r m y s el f alon e a n d tol d ,

46
 N OT E B O O K
h i m I though t I w as m an enough to s tand the truth i n ,

its w orst form .

H e then s a id t he dise a se wa s c h olera and o f the mo s t

vi rulent t y pe—th a t h e h a d don e a ll a m a n could do b ut ,

he h ad n o m ed ic i n es to w ork with — th a t h e sh i pp e d the

fi rst ti me thi s t ri p and found the lock e r e mpty a nd no ,

ti me to mak e a requ isition fo r more m e dici n e s .

To a dd to th e gloo m o f th e situ a tion th e re

occu rr e d no w a b r ea k down i n th e e ngi ne room
- -
.

J an .
5 5
,
P . MTh a t
. bol t h ea d b rok e d ay b e for e y e s
-

t e rd ay a nd we lost 2 hou rs I t b rok e ag a i n ye st e rd ay and

.

w e lost 3 o r 4 hou rs It b rok e a g a in th is a ft e rnoon and

.
,

ag a i n w e l ay l ike a log on t he wa te r ( h ea d wind ) for

3 o r 4 hou rs more .

Th e s e th i ngs di st r e ss th e p a s s eng e rs be y ond me as

ure Th e y a r e sc a red a bout th e epide mic a nd so im
.
,

—
patient to g e t along a nd no w th ey h a ve lost confidenc e
i n th e sh i p and f ea r s h e m ay b r ea k a g a i n i n th e rough
w ea the r th a t i s to com e I did not t a k e a n y i nt e r e st i n th e
.

matte r u ntil j ust n ow I fou nd the cu rs e d l ittle bol t was

a so rt o f ki ng pi n a nd th at the engin e must stop without it
-
.

Th e p a ss e ng e rs s ay th a t w e a re o ut of l uck and th at
i t is a doom e d vo ya ge .

It app ea rs though it i s k e pt from the pass e ng e r s th a t

, ,

the re a r e s eve n o r ei g ht patients i n th e hosp ital down

belo w .

M e m G e t n a m e s of th e d ea d from th e F 0
. . .
[Fi r st
Offi c e r ] to t e l e gr a ph
,
.

So me m isgiving s so me di st r e ss as t o whethe r t he au
,

t h o rit i es o f K ey W e st w ill l e t o ur pestilenc e strick e n s h i p

-

l and the re—but the c a ptai n s ay s w e a r e i n sore distres s ,

in des pe r ate stra its and we m u st l a n d ; we w ill l a n d i n

,

47
 M A R K TWA I N
s pi t e of o rde rs ca n no n or a n yt h in g els e—we c a nnot go
,

on i n this w a y .

I f we do l and s ome of our peo pl e a r e goin g

,

a mong the m the d oc to r who i s a f r aid o f t he ,

chi ne ry
.

Sea i n storm—cap s crawl in g and s q ui rmi n g l ike whit e

wo rm s i n th e midst of i nk .

The D ead
( Baby ) H a rla n S a cr a m ento bap tized day i t di ed
, ,

died 2 4t h bu ried 2 5t h
,
.

Je rome Shi el ds aged abou t 34 bu ri ed a t sea J a n 2

, ,
. .

Hi s friend Pat rick B u rn s took ch a rge of h i s effe ct s ,

consi s ti ng o f $ 5 5 i n coi n a ca rpet ba g contai ni n g ,

clot h ing lette r s a navy p istol a nd o t he r s mall a rti cl e s

, , ,

photograph s et c Hi s friend s re s ide i n Wave rly I a

, .
,
.

H is b rothe r i n l aw J oh n Cl a rk l ive s at Pi ne G rove

- -
, , ,

Sierra C o Cal i f .
, .

M a rti n She rloc k o f I ri s h de s cent aged a bo ut 30 di ed

, , ,

and w as bu ried at sea J an 3 He h ad no friend s o r ,

. .

acq uaintan c e s o n boa rd s hip His effect s c on s i s ti ng o f .

,

ca rpet sack o f cloth in g $ 20 pie c e a nd lette r s fro m ,

M a ry A n n She rlock h is mothe r r esidi n g at Po rt

Byr o n “
, ,

,
L a re i n po ss es s i o n o f fi rst o ffi c e r
,
.

Ca pt Cha s Mahoney a g ed 40 l ate em ployee of

. .
, ,

Cent ral Ame ri c a n Tran s it Co Died Jan 4 a nd w a s . .

bu ri e d at s ea H a s a fam ily s omewhe re abou t

.

R oc heste r N Y , . .

And r ew N olan about 20 o r 2 1 ( Sha pe ) ba r be r by

, ,

t rade died Ja n 5 and wa s bu ried at s ea Fu nd s $ 77

,
. . .

He belonged i n J er s ey City
M
.

At A ( th i s mor nin g Ja n 6) Rev J G

. .
, . . . .

Fa c kle r Epi scopal cle r gyma n of Sa n F ra nci sco At

—
.
,

we a n c h o red a t Key Wes t, Fl orida and he w ill

48
 N OT E B O O K
be bu ried on s hore Wa s bo u nd fo r t he S ta t e s t o g e t
.

h is family .

Sunday J an 6 , .
,
1 867 . We a re o ut 22 day s from Sa n
F r a ncisco .

This Ke y We s t looks l ike a me re open road s tead bu t ,

th ey c a l l it o n e o f the best ha rbors i n the w orld—they

say th a t th e 1 0 0 l ittle k ey s sc a tt e r e d al l a rou nd k ee p o ff

the s ea a nd storm I t s ee ms t o b e a ve ry p r e tty l ittl e

.

t ropic a l looking to wn w ith pl e nt y o f h a ndsom e sh ade

-

t rees I t i s v e r y cool a nd ple a s a nt The gr ea t frow n i n g

. .

fort ific a tion i s Fo rt T a ylor a nd is v e ry strong ,

.

We don t c a lcul a te to fi nd an y K e y Wes t fol k s i n

’

Heaven .

Sunda y J a n 6 continued Rev J G F a c kl e r wa s

,
. . . . .

bu ri e d h e r e a t K ey W e st a t noon by Episcopal m i ni s te r .

Our doctor tol d m e it w as As i atic chol e r a but the y ,

must h a ve dec e iv e d th e port s u rg eon else t hey wouldn t ,

’

h ave l et us l and .

—
I attended Epi scopal s e rvice heap of st ylch fash
io n ab ly d r e ss e d w om e n—3 50 of them and ch ildren and
, ,

25 men .

Don t see w h e r e so m uch dres s com e s from i n a tow n

’

m a d e a ltogeth e r o f 1 a nd 2 story fr a me hous e s s ome ,

c r a z y u np a i nt e d a nd w ith onl y th ick bo a rd sh utte r s for

wi ndo w s —no c a rp e t no m a ts—ba re fl oo rs—c he a p p ri n ts
,

on w a ll s .

Onl y abou t 1 0 o r 1 2 houses wi th any p retension of

s tyl e a nd o n e h a l f o f these a re mil it a ry o ffi ce rs q u a rt e rs
-
’

—
.

Th e contribution box fool e d me I hea rd no mon ey

d roppin g i n it and the pape r cu rr e nc y n e v e r occu rre d
,

to me .

Men styl i s hly d res s ed with yellow ri bbon crava ts .

49
 M A R K TWA I N
Town ful of cocoa nut trees of th e ma ny l eaved low -

b ranching patte rn ve ry p rett y , .

Gi rl s s in gi n g i n mos t houses
G o t up a d inne r pa rty i n tow n—o ur ow n cl a ret and
.

c ha m pagne g ood a nd the re wa s noth in g el s e good about

—
,

t h e di nne r except the fried e ggs

’
and they didn t hold out .

Th is i s re al ly a bi g town bi g enou g h to hold ove r 2 0 0 0

, ,

th ough man y hou s es seem de s e rted B u s i ne ss mos tl y

—
.

gi n m i l s th at i s for s oldie rs
l
- .

B randy he re ( good a rti cle ) cos ts $ 1 5 a q ua rt a

g anon .

Key West 7t h 2 1 pa ss enge r s left the sh i p he re sca red

,
.
,
.

So m e o f the m ga ve di nne r and be rth ti c ket s to remai n

in g friends i n the s tee ra g e I a m gl ad they a re go ne
.
,
’
d o them .

Ja n 7t h Cap t Beh m h a s j u st poked h i s head i n a t

. . .

th e w i ndow to s ay how l ucky we we re not t o be q ua ran

—
ti n ed at Key We s t ( we a re off have j u st tu r ned th e pilot
boa t ad ri ft ) Lu c ky ! Dam natio n ! I f I h ave g ot Key Wes t
.

s ized Up ri g ht they would re c eive Wa r Fami ne Pes tilence

a nd Death wi t hou t a ques tio n—c all the m all by s ome
, ,

fan cy n ame a n d the n rope i n t he s u rvivo rs a nd s e ll the m

,

good cig a r s a nd b ra nd ies a t ea s y p ri c e s a nd ho r ribl e di n

ne r s at i n famou s rate s They wouldn t q ua r anti ne a n y
.
’

”
body ; they d s ay come a n d s ay it gl adly i f you b rough t
’
,

d est ru ction a nd hel l i n y o u r wake They rel y u po n the .

s al ub rity of thei r cl i mate a n d i ts fa mo u s health ful n es s for ,

i m m un ity fro m di s ea s e .

Mo r e chee r f ul n es s at ta ble th i s mo rn i ng th an eve r

be for e .

50
 N OT E B O O K
Key We s t p rices : putti ng coa l a boa rd $ 2 a t o n —in
N Y 2 5c Pilotag e $ 1 0 8 Maki ng a bol t $ 50 Th ey s ay
. . . . .

it wa s t h e fi rst C a l ste a m e r th a t h a s touched the re i n

.

2 y e a r s so t hey scorch e d us
,
.

Ol ive r t ried t o get th e c a pt a i n for $ 1 0 0 t o cont ract not , ,

t o bu ry h i m at s e a i n c a se he died — C a pt refused so
Ol iv e r we nt ashor e K e y W e st at 9 P —the l a s t man M
.
,

. . .

Se wi ng s ociety for th e monk ey .

i nv a l ids y est e rd ay and 1 3 tod ay—o nl y 2 reall y d a n

18

g erons —o n e o f them w as getting a lon g h a ndsom e ly but ,

got d run k a nd took a rel apse .

Th e nobl e st cig a rs i n the w orld a t K e y W e st for $6 per

h u nd red—smuggl e d from H a van a .

The s ew ing society h a ve d ressed the monkey up i n

bl ack p a nts a nd v e s t and a rou ndabout a nd cuffs of b righ t
—
red a nd y ello w cu rt a i n cal ico p a tte rn and p a p e r coll a r
, ,

and h e looks g a y sc a mpe ri n g a rou nd a mong the ri gg ing .

Ol ive r h ad 3 80 chole r a a rti cl e s cut o ut .

Ki ngm a n found h is long gi rl s itti ng b y th e t a ff r a il alone .

H e is i n lov e w ith h e r .

B elm ayn e died J a n . 8 a nd wa s bu ri e d a t s e a ab reast

of Florid a .

Th e t e mpe ratu re of th e Gul f Strea m h ere ( the y t ry it

eve ry 2 h rs for i nform a tion for Navy Dept ) i s 76
. .

a tmos ph ere 7 2 W e a re comfo rtabl e e nough no w w hile we

.

a re i n this fl uid stov e b ut w he n we leave it a t Cape H a t

,

te ras Lo rd it w ill be cold

, ,
.

51
 MA R K TWA I N
The s peed of the s t rea m va ri es from to 3 % knots
a n hou r We have been m aking 20 0 2 1 0 2 20 m il es a day
.
, , ,

b ut no w i n th is cu rrent we ca n tu r n o ff 2 50 t o 2 7 5 .

Soaked banana and pl antai n i n bra n dy a nd got th e ,

monk e y tigh t .

Ja n . day s out from San F rancis c o today

1 0 , 1 867 . 26

at noo n w e s hall be o ff Cape Hatte ra s and le ss th a n

40 0
m ile s south o f N Y —a day and a h al f s run . .
’
.

We s hal l be l eaving th is w a rmi n g pa n o f a Gul f Strea m -

tod ay and then i t w ill cea s e to be g eni al s u mme r weathe r

,

and become wi nt ry cold We al ready s ee the s i g n s They . .

h ave put feath e r mattre ss e s and bla nkets on our be r th s

th i s morn i ng
—
.

I t i s ra i ni n g wa rm
M
.

J an 1 0 Rai ny At 1 1 A
. . 1 8 m il es f ro m Ca pe H a t
. . .

teras Distance to N Y 3 20 mile s

. . . .

8 s ick , 5 di a rrhea , 3 co nval esc en t—2 be tt e r .

Jan Pa ss i ng out of th e G ul f Strea m r apidly A t

M
. 10 . .

2 P . th e t empe ratu re o f th e wa t e r h ad fal len 7 de gr ee s

.

in h al f a n hou r Al ready th e day i s t urn i n g c old a n d ove r

.

coa ts coming i nt o vog ue

M
.

J a n 10 . P ,Da rk a n d s to rm y a nd the s hi p
. .
,

pl un g i ng cons ide rably I t i s vill ai n ous ly c old H a ve j ust . .

c ome forwa rd from the pu rs e r s room a nd fe lt some ’

thing blow in my fa c e l ike sn ow Thi nk i t wa s b ut t oo .

,

da rk to t e ll
M
.

Jan 1 1 7 P. B een i n bed al l day to kee p wa rm

, . .

fe a rfully c old
We a re o ff Ba rn eg a t—pa ss ed a pil ot bo a t a wh ile a go
.

We s hall get to N Y before mo rn i n g . . .

Th e d d c ro w d i n t he s moking -room a re a s wi ldly s in g

’

i ng now a s they we re c a pe rin g c h ildi shly a bo u t th e dec k

5 2
 MA R K TWA I N
G ives his wait e r old clo th es inst ea d of m o n ey .

Wh e r e a re all those peo ple today Whe re i s

?

the li ttl e d oct or who had to work wi th ou t m edi

ci nes ? Whe re is th e w hin in g ma n ? The family
th at w as waiti n g fo r th e Rev M r Fa c kle r ? Ah
. .
,

b ut t ha t w a s fa r b ack i n an oth e r c entu ry Few

.

i f an y rema in of th at s h ipload o r of th os e who

,

w ait ed for them and wi th th e s ingl e ex c eption

,

of Ma rk Twa in him s elf, h ave left l i ttl e tra c e

 C H A PTE R V I

B eg in n in g a L i t era ry Epoc h

H r: S EE MS t o have made no n ote s i n New York ,

b ut we kno w that he found th e r e a n o ld C a l i
fo rn ia fri e nd , Ch a rle s Hen ry W e bb , w ho h a d
coll e ct e d a n u mbe r o f Ma rk Twa in sk e tches , in
“
cluding th e J u mping F rog sto ry , w it h th e ide a
o f m a ki ng a b oo k o f the m Wh e n a publ ish e r,
.

C a rl e ton r e j e ct e d th e book Webb decid e d to

, ,

b ri ng it o ut o n h is o w n accou nt .

A fte r a t ri p to St Lou is to s ee h is moth e r

.
,

a nd sist e r a n d to H a n nib a l w he re h e l e ctu r e d

, , ,

M a rk T wa i n r e tu rn e d to N ew York wa tch e d ,

h is b oo k t h rough the p r e ss l e ctu r e d a t the ,

Coop e r I nstitut e a nd as corr e spond e nt fo r th e

,

Alt a C alifo rn ia o f S a n F r a ncisco a nd the N ew

, ,

Y o r k Tri b un e j oi n e d t he Qu a ke r City Holy

,

L a nd Excu rs ion w hich h a d repl ac e d h is ea rl ie r

,

d rea m o f a t ri p a round th e w orld .

The not e s o f th a t fi rst Medite rr a n e a n plea s

ure c ruis e b e gu n be fore the s h i p l e ft th e h a rbor
, ,

we re s e t do w n i n the v e ry midst of th e pic

“
t ures q ue b a nd of i nnoc e nts a nd pilgri ms
” ”

that gy ps i e d th rough F ranc e a nd It a ly a nd t rod

th e a rid h ill s o f Pal e stin e Sol id l ittl e vol u mes
sti ffl y bou nd i n t a n she e p—the pencil ing s some
.

ti m e s h u rried s om e ti m e s d e l ib e rate and n ea rl y

all le g ible—ho w close th e y see m to b ri ng us to
, ,

SS
 MA R K TWA I N
“ ” “ ” “ ”
Dan and J ack a nd th e Doct o r i n th a t fa r
“
day be fore they beca me i m mo rtal a s i nn oc en ts
”
ab road .

The fi rst e ntry recordi ng a s i t doe s th e begi n

,

n ing of th is h istori c voy a ge i s perh ap s a s notable

,

a s any memorandu m i n l ite ra ry h isto ry .

L y ing i n the ha rbor h e h a s a ch ance to l ook

ove r the pa s sen g e r s and make a few com ments ,

s uch a s
Th e F renchy l ooki ng woman wi th a d og—sm a ll
-

mongrel bl a ck and tan b rute wi th lon g s h a rp ea r s th a t

,
- -
,

s tick up l ike a donkey s a nd g ive h i m a n ex ceedi n g ly

’

wild and excited exp re ss ion ev e n i n h i s m ilde s t mood s

, .

Whe n he i s s ki rm i s h i n g abo ut the c abin s he fol low s h i m

a nxiousl y abou t and i nte r rupt s h i s ente rp ri s e s and ,

me a n w hile keep s U p a n i nte rmi nabl e biog raphy of hi m

to the p ass en ge r s e mbel l i s hed with anecdote s ill u s t r ative
,

of h i s g e ne ral d i s pos itio n a nd with s torie s of s ome of h i s

mos t rema rkabl e perform an c es Th e dog i s n oi s y a n d i n
.

th e way .

The long l e gged s i mple gree n wide m outh ed ho rs e

-
, , ,
-

la u g h i n g you ng fellow w ho on ce m ade a s ea vo ya g e to

5 6
 N OT E B O O K
Fo rt re ss Mon roe i n th e Oceani c a and qu ote s et e rn a ll y
from h is e xp e rience s Upon t hat voy a ge I a m s atisfi e d th a t .

we s h a l l neve r h ea r th e l a st o f th a t voyage He w ill h a rp .

o n it from he re to P a l e stine a nd b ac k a g a i n He w ea rs a .

mons trou s compass sl ung to h is watch gu a rd and con -

,

s ult s it from tim e to ti m e ke e ping a w a ry e y e on t he ,

bi nnacle comp a ss to see th a t it does not va ry from his

and so end a nge r th e shi p He s ays the most w itless things .

a nd th e n l a ughs U p ro a riousl y a t the m a nd he h a s a vil e

notion th a t eve ry t hi ng e v e rybod y else s ay s i s m ea nt for a
w itti cis m a nd so l a ugh s loudl y w h e n v e ry oft e n th e
,

s p ea k e r h a d s pok e n s e riousl y o r eve n h a d m ea nt to say

som e thi ng ful l o f p a thos B ut th is f e llo w doe s n t kno w .
’
.

He l a ugh s d r ea dfully at eve ryt hi ng and s wea rs it s good ’

,

da m good by G e orge I wi sh he w ould f a l l i n the h a rbor

’
,
. .

—
The i n noc e nt y oung man w h o i s good accom modat ,

i ng ple a s a nt a nd w ell m ea ni ng but f ea rfull y gr e e n and

,
-
,

i s f e a rfull y slo w He w is hed to know how long se as ick

.

ness l a st e d He i s th e othe r ext r e me from Legs

.
”

doesn t kno w a nythi ng at a ll Came confid e nti a lly to me

’
.

i n a p riv a te pl a c e and s ee med a l mos t bu rsti ng wi th an

id ea — a n ew and d a ng e rous gu e st to h a ve a bout h is p r e m
is es H e said
I f you h ad a p a nor a m a—an y kind of a p a norama
.

o n e o f the m o ld ones w ould do —w hy by gr a cious you

could pay you r way on the s h i p—a ny old p a nor a m a y ou
,

—
kno w but I don t th i nk l ik e ly you could without a l e c
’

tu re—b e cause th e m I t alian s and A r a b s w ouldn t go -

’

much m aybe except fo r the nov e l t y because they

, , ,

woul dn t u nd e r s t a nd B ut i f you h ad a n old panorama

’
.

I s hould th i nk l ikely you d fetch e m ’ ’

.

“
The I nte rrog a ti on Poi nt o f the I n nocent s
Ab ro ad w ould seem to be a co mb in a ti on o f t h es e
t w o y oun g me n .

57
 M A R K TWA I N
S u n day morni ng J un e 9 Still lyi ng a t a nc h or i n N Y
h a rbor—rai ned all n i g ht and al l mo rn in g l ike t h e devil
. .
, .

so me sea ou—la dy had to l eave c hu rc h i n th e cab in

s ea s ick
Tah leau—in th e mid s t of s e r mon Cap t Du nca n ru s hed
.

m a dl y out with on e of thos e dam n ed dogs but did n t ,

’

t h row h i m ove rb o a rd .

B ut s peaki ng of s ea s i c k n e ss th ere c e rt ai n l y a re m ore

,

s easi c k peo pl e on the s hi p than th e re ought to be I a m .

m ore th a n eve r s ati s fied no w th at w e ough t to h ave

p u t to s ea i n the s torm of S atu rday The s h i p i s s t ro ng .

a nd c oul d h ave wea th e red it ea s ily and eve rybody would

h ave had a fea rful 4 hou rs s ie g e of s ea s i ck n ess a n d t h e n
bee n ove r a n d d on e wi th it .

M os t o f the p ass en g e rs being u n a ccus to m ed to v oya gi ng

a re dil i g e n tl y keepin g di a ries .

He fu rn i s hes a s uppo s ed exa m ple .

0] a Lady
Fi rst Day—th e s hip s rolls and pit c hes a n d O I a m s o , ,

s i ck
Sec ond Day—We met a n i mmi g rant s hi p t oday f ul l of
.

I ri s h people From I rel and doubtle ss Ou r c aptai n got

.
,
.

“
o n t h e paddle bo x and s houted : Shi p w o h aw ! o r s ome
” ’
-

th ing l ike th at a nd the othe r captai n s houted ba c k

,

th rou g h a horn a nd s aid he had been o ut 30 day s Th e n .

we s ta rted a w ay and gave the i m m i g rant s 3 chee r s a nd

w aved ou r ha ndke rch ie fs a nd they g ave us 3 chee rs al s o ,

but did not w ave thei r h andke rch ie fs but we thou g h t ,

nothi ng o f it be c au s e a s th ey h ad been o ut 30 d a y s thei r

,

h andk e rc h i e fs we re a ll d i rty l ikel y Still I a m so s ea s ick

Thi rd Da y —M r s 8 who ha s got h e r fa c e s o su nbu rned
. .
, ,

. .

s i nc e we left N Y m ade a c on u n d rum o n the p r o m e n ade

. .

5 8
 N OT E B O O K
“
d eck l a s t n i g h t S he sa id : Why i s m y face l ike a bi rd
.

“
th at i s j ust a bout to fl y ? Ans Because both are to ”
.

soa r Ah m e I a m so sick
.
”
.

Fou rth Day— I a m ti r e d bei ng a t sea and ti red k ee p ,

i ng jou rn a l a nd ve ry ti r e d o f b e ing s ea s ick I do wond e r

, .

wh e r e thos e Azores I s l a nds a r e h idd e n a wa y i n th i s

boundless e xpans e o f h ea ving wa t e r ? I do so w a n t to see
th e l and and th e gre e n t r ee s ag a in
F i fth Day—Ch icken sou p for dinne r b u t my hea rt
.

is not i n chick e n soup I c a re not for po e t ry o r fo r th i ngs

.
,

to e a t o r for d r e ss I h a ve t a k e n off hoops and p ut a wa y

.

my w a te rf a ll a nd a l l I t a k e a n i nt e r e st i n is being
,

s q ualm is h and g e tting t o shore ag a i n I t 1 8 fu nny b u t .

,

som e ho w I don t s ee m to c a r e ho w I l ook’

.

Sixth Day— At l a st I a m ov e r it ! I a m not a b it s ick

a n y more And ho w diff e r e nt e v e ryth i ng looks today
. .

Why t he sea i s b ea utiful actu a lly b ea uti ful ! The soft

, ,

s ou t h wi nd is b a l m y a nd g e ntle a nd I a l most i m a gine ,

i t h as l ost it s n a useous odor o f s alt I a m l ik e a n ew pe r .

son . I take a n i nte rest i n eve rythin g no w Ah yonde r is .

,

th at scri m p nosed l ittle doll t ryi ng to m a ke h e rsel f so

-

a g ree a bl e to M r I w il l j ust happe n along th e r e

.

as i f I we r e n ot noti ci n g and see i f I don t spoil you r ’

sch eme s Mi ss , .

H e r e we a re i ntroduced to t h e now i m mo rtal

“ ”
Poet La ri a t .

B loo dgood H . C ut t er
H e is ye a rs old and sm al l of h is age He d re ss e s
5 0 ,
.

i n hom es pu n a nd i s a s i mpl e m i nded hone s t o ld

,
-
, ,

fas h ioned [Long I sl a nd ] f a rm e r w ith a strange p rocliv

i ty for w riting rh y m es H e w rite s them o n a ll pos s ibl e .

s ubj e c t s and gets the m p ri nted o n sl i ps o f pape r w i th h i s

po r trait at th e h ea d The s e he wi ll giv e to any man tha t
.

comes alon g whethe r he h a s a nyt h in g a g ai nst h i m or

,

59
 MA R K TWA I N
”
not H e h a s al ready w ri tt e n i nt e rm i n abl e poe ms on Th e
.

“ ”
Good Ship Quake r Ci ty a n d a n Ode t o th e O cean a n d ”

“
Recollect i o ns of th e Plea s ant T i me on D e ck La s t Nigh t ,
”

whi c h plea s ant ti me cons is tin g i n hi s reciting some 7 5

sta nza s of h i s poet ry to a l a rg e pa rty of pa ss en g er s c o n
vened on the U ppe r de c k .

Dan s aid to h i m i n a p rivate conve rs ation

“
I t must be a g reat h appine s s to y ou to be able to s i t
down at the clos e of the day and put its events a l l down
i n rhyme s and poetry l ike a Byron and a Sh akes pea r e ,
”
a n d thos e fellows
—
.

“
0 y e,
s i t i,
s it i s The re i s no plea s u re l ike i t i n t h e
.

worl d
Y es —a nd
.

“
I s houl d th i nk th a t when a ma n w as g i fted
i n th at way m ore would h e expec ted of h i m tha n fro m
com mon people—fro m people who a in t p oet s You d be
,
’ ’
.

expected you k n ow to keep tha t ta lent go i n g at all rea

, ,

s on a bl e ti mes and neve r l os e a n oppo rtun i ty It s a duty

,
.
’

”
you o w e to you r country me n a nd you r ra c e you know ,
.

“
I know I app reciate i t I do keep i t a-g oin g Why
. . .
,

bl ess you r s oul m a ny and m any a ti me when ev erybody

,

el s e i s asleep you l l find me writin g poetry Afi d when I

’
.

feel it co m i n g on the re s no l et up to me
,
’
-
.

“
Th at s i t ! Th at s it ! Often n o doubt whe n you r e
’ ’
, ,
’

tal ki n g to peo pl e o r lookin g at a n ythin g or eati ng di n ne r , ,

i t co mes on you and eve ry th ou g ht th a t c l atte rs th ro ug h

,

you r head fet c he s up wi th a rhyme at the end of it

pu re h o ne s t natu r al bo rn p oe try—ai n t it s o !
, ,
”
-
’

“
B less you r s oul ye s Ma n y s the t i me I ve h ad to l eave
, .
’ ’

m y din n e r a nd m any s the ti m e I ve had to g et up i n ’ ’

th e n i g h t whe n it c ame o n m e A t s u c h ti m e s a s t ha t I .
,

ca n t a ny more tal k wi th ou t r hy m i ng tha n you could put

’

fi r e to po wde r and it n ot go off Why bl ess m e th i s s h i p .

,

m ay g o to the bottom a n y mom e nt a n d d ro w n us all b ut

w hat o f t h at ?
60
 M A R K TWA I N
E ve r y t h i ng calcu la t ed by re y s—! ake s ab o ut a m ill i on
6 —
of them to make bi t s a tho us and rey s m ake one d olla r .

B ro w n h avi ng hea rd th at p rices we re ve ry m oderate

h e r e O pe n ed h i s hea rt a nd orde red d inne r fo r 8 of us
,
.

H ere is t he b ill I t k noc ked hi m s en s el ess

. .

dinne r f or 8 at 30 0 0 equal
wi n e 1 0 bottles at 1 20 0 equal
, ,

That i s $ 38 Th i s i s th e di nn e r accredited to
,
.

“
B l uch e r in t h e I n nocen t s
”
.

’
Fayal J un e
,
2 2, 67 .

Mule s a n d fam il y l ive al l t ogeth er i n on e sm all

five i n cente r—no e sc ape for s moke s ave th rou g h s mall
pa ss ages bu il t i n wall s Ha rdly a ch i m ney i n the c i ty
. .

Saw no g raveya rd s They say they do not r eve r e n ce

.

thei r de ad very hi g hly ; o nly a few gr ave s a r e w ell

ca red fo r .

W heat is t h re s h ed by oxe n i n th e ol d Sc ri p t u r al way

“
Ye s hall n ot m uzzle the ox that t readeth out the gr a i n .

Whea t i s worth 70 c a bu s hel b ut flou r $ 1 2 a ba r rel be

,

ca u s e of thei r s low method s of th res hi ng and g ri nding .

Corn i s g rou nd i n p rivate hou s es with a s tone morta r a nd ,

i n a wi ndm ill N ea r by they have a m ule-mill t o go wh e n

.
,

th e wind doe s n t blow ’

.

Thei r pl ow i s a woode n bo a rd sh od wi t h i ron Thei r .

ba rrow is d rawn by hand a nd ha s teeth as s mal l a s a

fin ge r Thei r ca rt is a bas ket hauled by com and th e
.
,

axl e and the w ooden s lab of a wheel b oth t u rn .

62
 N OT E B O O K
F riday J u n e 2 7 S at up al l nigh t pl ayi ng domi noes
,
.
,

i n th e s moki ng room wi th th e pu rse r and s aw th e s un

-

rise—w ok e up Da n and th e D octor a nd called eve ry bod y

,

to see it D on t feel ve ry b right

.
’
.

S a il ing a long th rough th e Str a it s w ith Africa ( bold ,

sa nd s pott e d h ills ) a nd Sp a i n a good d e al l ike i t o n e ithe r

-

h and 1 3 m il es ap a rt Wat e r gr ee n not bl ue—s plendid

, ,

.
, ,

morn ing sp ri ng l ike

, .

P a ssed close to the l ittl e heavil y walled town of Ta ri fa ,

Spai n ; hous e s w ith p i nk tiled roofs -

.

Those who read Th e I n n ocen t s Ab road w il l

r e m e mb e r the ch a racte r th e Or a cl e w ho wa s
al way s ove rflowing with doubtful i n formation .

We come to a note here th a t identifies h is origi n .

D r Andre ws at b reakfast s aid : Wh i c h s ide w as th e

.
“

pill a rs of He rc ul es on ?”

“
Both
Som e th ink diffe rent—G ibbon does ( The old fool h ad
.

b e en s melli ng i n a guide book and w as t ry i ng to pla y it

-
,

for old i n form a tion that h a d b ee n f e st e rin g i n h is b r a i n ) .

“
H e s a id : I s uppose the m old a nci e nts re a lly b e l i eve d
t h e Godde ss Hercule s l ived the re s ome ti m e o r o t he r .

Tan gier
Go ing th rou g h Spai n o r not g oing th rou g h Spai n ? Wh at
i s the ti me to P a ris ? Sixt y hou rs ? C a n w e vis it th e Al
h amb r a S ev ille V a l l a dol id a nd 50 oth e r pl a ces ? D a mned
, ,

g l a d w hen I kn ew it w as t oo l a te a nd we couldn t go ’
.

Now as t o Tangie r the re s houl d be no pull i ng a nd h aul

i n g—w e w il l go I s hal l ans we r no q u e stions a nd not
.

li st en to any d a m n fea rs s urm izes o r a nyth in g el se

, .

B u y ing glov e s of the seduct ive Sp a n i s h w e nch i n the

m a i n st r e et w ho sa id I kne w ho w to put a glove on a nd
—
fe w did when I wa s tea ri n g t he wo rth le ss th in g t o p ie c es
63
 M A R K TWA I N
wi th m y awkwa rdn es s and t aking t h i s fea rful s a rc as m fo r
a compl i men t I p ai d th e p ri ce ( soc ) for a to rn pai r o f
.

Spa n i s h kid gloves .

F ait h fully re co rded i n h is b ook —C ha pte r VI I

of The I n nocent : Abroad .

—
Ki n gs A r m s and Club Hou s e Hot el s k eep n o r e gi st e rs
and neve r k n ow who i s i n th e hou s e s end m e to find m y
f riends i n s tead of a s e rvant
, .

Dan tol d to g a th e r all man ne r o f st ati sti cs ,

r eports
that b r andy i s 8c a d ri nk and ci g a rs 3c apiece .

More barbe r s hop s he r e th an s h oe s h o p s i n Fayal .

Many beauti ful En g li s h and S pa n i s h gi rl s .

I n Morocco for theft of cattle th ey cu t off right h a n d

—
an d l eft foot c ut rou nd the j oi nt a nd b r eak i t off .

When a poor Moo r s ee s one of the sc a rc e s ilve r d ol l a rs

he a s ks pe rmi ss ion to ki ss it .

Gove rnor of Tangie r u s ed to have s al a ry of 5 or 6

—
pounds a month keep s 2 5 or 30 wive s .

Kora n all o ws 4 wives a n d many co ncubine s I n the .

i nte rior J e ws ma r ry s eve ral wive s .

Snat c hed Maj or B a r ry o ut of the M oor i s h m os qu e

w ould h ave been s a c rilege Could n t p ray i n t he re for a
.
’

l ong ti me til l it wa s pu rified Would have got a s hoe ove r

—
.

h is h e ad y e a r s a g o w o uld h ave got a kn ife -t h ey a re h

ve ry fanati cal .

64
 N OT E B O O K
En g l ish offi ce r s tepped i n and the Moor s ch a s ed h i m
out a nd upstr e et with s hoes
, .

Cloc k i n mosq ue o ut o f orde r No Morocc a n cloc k.

m ende r so th e y e n g a g ed a Portu g u e se They said : .

“
You kn ow w e p e r m it donke y s w hen bu ilding to ente r
—w e let th e Portugues e t ake off h i s s hoe s and go i n and
come out a s a donkey ”
.

Moori sh wom e n cove r thei r f a ces w ith thei r coa rse

wh it e robe s—to cove r thei r in h u m a n d a mn e d ugl iness ,

no doubt .

E mperor doe s n t kno w ’

h ow many w ives h e ha s
th i nks i t i s 50 0 .

M a ny o f the bl a c k s a re s l ave s t o the Moors —w hen

t he y c a n read fi rst ch apte r o f Koran c a n no long e r b e
,

s l aves ; —would hav e b e en w ell to a dopt e ducational test

for n igge r vot e i n Am e ri c a .

Rel a tion o f m aste r wi th fem a le sl a ve fr ee s h e r .

He rcule s i s th e rep resentative o f a r ea l ch a ra cte r ;

t h a t m a n l a nded at Cadiz with h is l ion s ki n on h is
s houlde r s a nd big cl ub i n his h and and fou nd e d it
ca me he re and con q u e red An it us—king o f th i s cou nt ry ,

who l ived al so at the Ga rden o f Hespe rides 70 m i le s dow n

co as t from here—He rcul e s m e t and kill e d h i m i n th e s e
,

s tree t The s e we re s av a ges w ho l ived i n l ittl e h u ts and

s
.

ate onl y th e n atu ral frui ts of th e l a nd Canaa ni tes came.

h e re w hen d ri ven out by Jo s hu a a nd set up a p i ll a r o n

which th ey in sc ri bed
We are the Can aa n i tes dr ive n out o f t he
,

H o ly Lan d by the J ewi sh r obbe r J osh ua

Th i s i n s c ri pti on wa s s ee n by Rom a n h i s tori an s wi thi n

2 0 0 0 ye a r s in t hes e s t r ee ts
, .

65
sc ri p t i o n s —Hercules took refu ge in t hat cave .

—
Game of checke rs in ancient Trea s u ry of M ooris h
E mpe ror s p al ace tu rb an s and bond s and a negro wi th
’

s haven head and a topknot—los t thei r tempe r

,

Moo ri s h woman who kn ows s he i s hand s om e will

glance a rou nd and i f no Moor i n s ight u ncon sc iously un
,

cove r th e face .

Moor won t look a wo m a n i n the f a ce nor s he h i m

’

—
.
,

Ma r ria ge is cont r act ed by pa rents m an neve r s ee s he r

be fore he i s ma rri ed .

MM
Con s ul c et h h a s no s oc iety—keep s pl e nty of g a m es
—fi rst wee k his wi fe and he r s iste r cri ed all th e ti m e
MM
.
,

Mr s c
. et h s l i ttle 4-yea r o ld Ka tie bo r n in Ta n g ie r
’
-
, ,

fl uently s peaks Spa ni s h an d A r abi c but know s no E ng lis h

—w hen ve ry ea rn es t tal ks b roken E ng l i s h and u s e s fi gura
“
ti ve l angua g e of the A rab s and s ay s By t he h eard of m y
fath e r—by th e g ood health of m y mamma e tc ”
, .

Ques t io ns for D ebat e

I s o r i s not C a pt Dunca n res pon s ible for th e head
.

w ind s ? I s a ta il absol utely neces s a ry to the comfo rt an d

conven ience of a d og ? And i f so wo uld not a m ultipl i c ity
of t a il s au g ment the d og s c om fo rt a nd co nven ien c e ?
’

—
Found a nation who re fu s ed to take a d ri nk wo n de rf ul
—wonde rful —w il l wo nde rs neve r cea s e ?
Got b ac k to Qu a ke r City Mond a y even ing J uly ,
1,

1 867 .

Left Gibr a lta r j us t as the s un w a s s ett ing The s u n s et .

was so ft a nd ri c h a nd be a uti ful b e yond de sc ri p ti on I .

66
 N OT E B O O K
sh a ll neve r forg et wh a t a d r e amy h aze h ung about the
sil v e r st ri p e d dome o f the Afric a n pill a r— the city a nd
-

he a dl a nd o f Sud a h and th e h ills be y ond th e n e ut r a l

ground and h o w th e nobl e p recipice o f Gib ralta r stood
,

out with ev e ry poi nt a nd edg e cut sh a rpl y a g a i nst th e

m e llo w sk y Nor how l ike a child s toy the ful l c a nvased
.
’

sh i p looked th a t s a iled i n u nde r the tr e m e ndou s w a ll and

w as l os t to s igh t i n th e s h a dow s .

Beauti ful st a rl it night on th e M e dit e rrane a n .

All w e l eft beh i nd ( on th e sh ip ) a r e i n s nowy Gib ral ta r

s hoes a nd o ur Africa n p a rty a re g orgeous wi th yellow
,

Moo ri s h sl ippe r s .

Midn igh t J uly I .

Afte r al l thi s r a cin g and bustl i n g and roll icki n g excite

ment i n Afric a it s e ems good t o g e t b a ck to th e old s hip
once more I t i s so l ike h o m e Aft e r all our wea ry ti me
. .

we s hall s l e ep peacefull y toni g h t .

“
Sle e p m akes us al l p a sh a s ( Moori s h p roverb )
”
. .

Sleep j oi ns the p a rted love r s h ands ” ’

.

Follo w i ng th i s i s a memor a ndu m o f a hotel

bill i n Morocco o n which food for 8 is s et do w n
at a nd l i q uors b y w h ich one m ay
s uppos e th at the Tangie r stay ended pl easan tl y .

J uly 2 1 867 Th e Medite rranea n this morni ng i s a

, .

pal e r bl ue tha n a n y othe r s ea pe rh a ps but th e ri ches t

, ,

a nd most l ustrou s a nd b e auti ful color i ma g inable 2 0 s hi p s .

i n s i g ht al l the ti me .

—
Wh a t a good thi ng Ada m h ad w hen h e s aid a good
th in g he kn e w nobody h ad said it be fore .

Chapte r s VIII and I X of The I n no cent ;

67
 M A R K TWA I N

veal a re ma rkable and rathe r s udden develop

ment i n M a rk Twain s lite ra ry s tyle Cul tu red
’
.

as soci ation on th e s hi p had s omethi n g to do wi th

i t a nd th e n hi s i m a gi n a tion res po nded readil y
,

t o t h e pictures qu e and to t h e p oeti c a ss o c i a ti o n

,

that to his tori c l an d m a r k s

.
 M A R K TWA I N
An d h ad he not h i gh h onor
h ill ide f or a p l]
Th e s a ,

To l ie i n t te wh i le a gels wai t
s a n ,

W i th ta f t pe tall ;s rs or a rs

A d the dar k r k p i n e l ike tos i ng pl um es

n oc - s, s ,

Ove r h i bie r t w ve s o a ,

A d Go d w n ha d i n t ha t l n ely lan d
’
n s o n o

T b y h im i n h i grave ?
o s

F ro m N aples
S ail ed f rom N apl es Aug . 1 1, at 6 A . M .

7 P . M wi ththe we s te rn horizon all golde n from th e

.
,

s unk e n s un a nd s pecked wi th th e d istant sh ips t he b righ t

f ul l moon shini n g l ike a s ilve r s h i el d h i g h ove rhead th e ,

d e ep da rk blue of t he M e dite rra n ea n u nde rfoot a n d a

,

str a nge s o rt of twi light aff e cted by al l th e s e d iffe ren t

lights a nd color s all a rou nd u s and a bout us .

Si g hted old Strombo l i Ho w grand i t l oo m s u p ou t o f

.

th e lonely s e a a nd ho w s ym met rical It i s beau ti ful now

, .

w ith it s da rk bl ue j us t veil ed u nde r a pea rly mi s t t ha t

ha l f conceal s and h al f d i s cl os es .

The two j et s of s moke h ave t u rned i nto one 1 0 0 fee t

b road—ca n t s ee how h igh—c a n t s ee i t a fte r i t gets abo ve
,
’ ’

th e bl a c k backg roun d of the fa rthe r ri m of t h e cr ate r .

I n Rome s aw Pete r s footp ri nt s

’

— —
.

Pete r s P ri s on
’
( Ma me rt i ne ) P r i nt o f fa c e mi raculou s
s p rin g h e m a de to bap tize th e s oldie rs—hol e whe re he
b roke th rough .

Man on th i s s hi p a s h a rd a c a se a s Paul —g ot to k n oc k
hi m end w i s e with a s treak of l i g ht n in g be fore he could
ge t rel igion .

Au g . 14 . Approa c h in g Athe ns The tow n ex te n d s most .

70
 N OT E B O O K
of th e way a round the d e ep ci rcula r bas in and has th e ,

cl ea n e st n ea t e st t w o a nd th re e story sq ua re cr ea m
,
-

color e d buildings w e have se en [Sketch o f s mall s a ili ng

.

c r a ft ]
.

Bo a ts a re n o t p retty but h ow they fly and h ow ex ,

q u i s it e ly s kill ful th e s e G r ee ks a r e i n h andl in g them I .

would l ik e to stay w ith th e m a w hile .

B a d n ew s The y h ad touched at i n fe cted port s

—a ll ports we r e l i kely to be that—and we r e not
.

allow ed to l and .

A t h en s
Th u r s day Aug . 1 5,
’
67 .

We we re put into qua rantine a t on c e ye st e rday and , ,

r a the r th a n be cooped up a t a nchor remot e from s hore

for 1 1 d a ys the c a pt a i n d e cided to l ie stil l 2 4 h rs then .
,

s ail d i re ct for Constanti nopl e .

I t w as rema rked b y the Comma ndant o f the port ( at

Pi rm us ) th a t gua rds would b e s et a nd a wa tch k e pt u pon ,

us a nd a nyone fou nd b r ea ki ng the q u a r a ntine b y st ea l i ng

,

as hor e woul d be s ev e r e l y d ea l t with — and q u a r a ntin e

l aw s i n thes e cou nt ri e s a r e usu a lly h a rs h and e ven un ,
~

n e c e ss a ril y cru e l som e ti m e s

,
.

I t w as a b itt e r dis a ppoi ntment to the whol e s h ip s com ’

p a n y to b e s o n ea r to f a mous Ath e ns and not be p e r

,

m it t ed to vis i t it W e could s ee th e city vaguely defin ed

.

i n th e di sta nt v a ll ey w i th th e gl a ss With t h e n aked eye

,
.

we could see the gr a nd ru ins o n the Acropol i s an d wi th ,

th e t e le s cope coul d count th e col u m n s of the Pa rtheno n .

We i ma g i ned w e coul d t r a ce out Ma r s H ill ( t h e

A reopa g u s w he re Paul p reached whe re t he h ighest cou rt ,

w as h e ld 3 da y s i n a ye a r a nd whe re De mos then e s th un

,

d e red h is Ph il ippics i nto the ea rs o f the d is hea rtened

Athe ni an s ) ; w e bel ieved w e co ul d see th e Mu s eu m Hi ll
7 1
 M A R K TWA I N
an d th e P n yx W e ca red l i ttl e fo r H ym e ttus and Pen
.

t elicus .

At 1 1 o cloc k a t n i g h t D r Jack so n Col Denny D r

’
.
, .
,
.

B i rch and I left the s hi p i n a boat and got set o n s hore

ou ts ide t h e q u a rant n e l i ne s then straggled ove r the h ill s
i -
,

s e renad e c by 1 0 0 d ogs s ki rt ed the town u nde r a cl ouded

,

moo n and i n h al f a n hou r w e re s afe beyond any ch a nce

,

of c aptu re and fa i rl y away fo r Athen s We could not fi nd .

a road that see med t o lead i n the ri g h t d i re c tion and s o , ,

t akin g the tall s teep mountai n to the left of the Acropol i s

for a ma rk we s tee r ed at i t i ndustriou s ly ove r h il l s
,

t h rough val ley s ove r s tony dese rt pl ace s plowed field s

, , ,

a nd v i neya rd s a nd wal ked fa st too for t h e re w as l ittle

, , ,

ti me to s pa re i f we woul d g et back to th e s h i p before th e

t reacherou s day s hould dawn .

We m a de th e tri p ( stopped oc c a s ionally by s ava g e s

a rm ed w ith guns who rose my s te riousl y up out of s had ows
“
a nd da rkne ss and s a id Ha ! when we h ap pe ned c a s u all y
”

to be s teal ing grape s and s tood u nde r the to w e ri ng m a s

—
,

s ive wall s of th e a nci ent citadel o Athen s wall s t h a t h ad

f
loomed above th e he a ds of bette r me n tha n we 1 0 0 0
yea r s before th e So n o f God w a s bo rn i n Bethlehem .

I t wa s betwee n 1 and 2 o cloc k—the pl ace wa s s ilent ’

—
th e g ate s we re s h ut the devil to pay Denny t ried to
—
.

—
cl i mb over a ru i ned w all k n ocked down a ston e s ome
bod y s houted from w ithi n and Den ny d ropped ! We s oon
r o u s ed th at fel low o ut ( th e gua rd ) a nd ente red the m a
j es t i c ru i n .

Th e P ropylz a g ateway t o the tem ple s o f the A c ropol i s

, ,

is of lovely fluted col u m n s of wh ite ma rble ,

.

All about us fragment s m a rble -a rm ed c hai rs baa rel ie f

, ,
-

a nd tablatu re s s t a tue s etc , , .

G ri m ma rbl e fa c e s g l an c i n g up so s uddenly o u t of t h e
,

g r a s s at ou r feet .

Te m ple of Mi n e rva sm al l .

73
 N OT E B O O K
Templ e of H e rcule s with th e 6 nobl e Ca ryatide s
sup

po rtin g the portico .

Old ru i ned a rch e s i n the val le y b e low o n the ri gh t .

The na rro w rocky ridge a nd flights o f st e ps a nd s q uare

ros tru m on the A r e op a gus o r M a rs Hi l l sacred to th e ,

m e mori e s o f St Paul and De mosth e n e s A ri s tid e s

.
, ,

Th e mi stocles e tc ,
.

B ut Ath e ns by m oonl i g h t from th e b a stions ! Th e Ki ng s ’

w h ite pal a ce and s h rubbe ried ga rd e n fl ec ked w ith m e llo w

gasl ights ! The s h a rpl y d e fi ned wi ndo w s chi mne y s s h in , ,

gles o f al mos t eve ry s ingle house i n Athens i n the s pl e n

, ,

did l ustre th at w a s pou ri ng out of the h e avens eve n ,

pal ing the scatte ri n g gasl ight s Ath e ns spr ea d o ut right .

u nde rneath o ur f e et 2 0 0 ft below us and the g r a nd w hit e

,
.
,

rui n o f the P a rthenon towe ri ng ov e r o ur he a ds Ath e ns .

by moonl i g ht ! When I forg et it I s h al l be dead— not

before .

U pon
these note s h e b u il t th a t wonde rfu l
ch apte r i n Th e I n n oeent s—a p ros e po e m though ,

h a rdly more vivid th a n th e se h a sty jotti ngs .

We m a de th e t rip u ndistu rbed s ave by th e a rmed ,

g rape gu a rds and

-
dog s th a t followed us
th rough Pi raeu s and r ea ched the s h i p at
,
th is morn
i ng j u st a s the d ay w as d aw n ing I s at up a n hou r o r t w o .

a nd s aw a ve ry be a uti ful s u n ri se a rich fl u s h th a t s u ff used ,

all th e heav e ns be hind the Acropol is l ik e a bl us h .

At a fte r I h a d gone to bed M r G ris w old came ,

.

a nd got my Moorish fez a nd he and J am e s a nd Crock e r

we nt ashore i ntendin g to steal aw a y to Ath e ns but the
, ,

gu a rds discove red th e m befor e th ey w ent 1 0 0 0 ya rd s and

—
chased t he m th ey s ay i t w as a close ra c e but th ey won
the boa t a nd e s caped to th e s h ip .

Au g 1 6 Troy
We a r e n ow—1 1 A M—rig h t ab rea st
. . .

. . the pl ai ns of T r oy
73
 MA R K TWA I N
— l ittl e
a r ock
ya rd s l ong wi th a l i g ht o n i t wa s th e
2 00
an c horage of th e G reek vessel s The pl ai n of Troy i s wi de
a nd lo w—8 o r 1 0 mil es back i s a ran g e o f u nd ul ati n g
.

hill s H al f th e pl ai n i s cove red wi th what s eem s to be

.

g r ee n u nderb ru s h and th e othe r h al f is s a n d We a re

, .

m aki ng a s trai g ht b reak for Da rdanell e s and s h a ll ente r

i n a n hou r— M
t I da i n the d i s tance
. .

Noon Passed ab rea s t of ancient T roy a nd not lo ng

.

a fte rwa r d ente red th e Da rda nelle s ( o r He ll es pont ) a nd

a fte r th is passed th e h a rbo r wh enc e A g amemn on s fleet ’

s ail ed to th e s iege of T roy .

Fa rt h e r alon g th e tomb of H ec uba on on e s ide a n d

A j ax on th e othe r .

F i rst a rc h itect s of X e rxe s b rid g e o f b oa ts ove r t h e

’

H elles pont w e re beheaded becau s e the b ridge b roke away

—th e h i nt wa s not los t on th e s econd lot—Xe rxe s host ’

men a nd c am p followe rs c r oss ed i t -

.

J u st e n te rin g t he H el les pont 3 o r 4 miles wide—g ua rded

o n eithe r s ide by Tu rki s h ca s tle s flyin g the cresc ent fl a g , .

W e a re g a i ni n g fa s t o n a F rench s tea me r s i nce w e h ave

h oi sted mai n a nd m ai n top s ail s a n d j i b—we l l c atch hi m
-
’

i n a n hou r See a c a mel t rai n on s hore with the g l a ss

Sket c he s a nd c rude d rawi ngs of m ap s—e n tra nc e t o t he
. .

H e ll es po n t et c ) ,
.

Au g 1 6 Ente red t he Se a of arm ara a t 5 i n th e a fte r

. . M
n oo n i f I reme mbe r rightly
, .

The Vi c e roy of Egypt pa ss ed u s i n hi s l igh tn in g ya c h t

a s i f we w e r e s t a ndi ng s til l waved h i s hand to u s He
—
, .

looks a good d e al l ike h i s unc le ( or h i s b rothe r wh ich )?

t he S ul ta n of Tu rkey .

74
 N OT E B O O K
Ni g h t—Rev M r B ull a rd l e c tured on A then s and I
. .
,

s aid a few w ords — sa me s ubj e ct .

Co nst an t in ople
Aug 1 7 reached Consta nti nopl e at dayl i g ht and
. an

chored i n th e mouth o f the Golden Horn .

Visit e d th e c e leb rated mos q ue o f St Soph ia nea r th e .

G r a nd S e r a gl io G a rd e ns but fou nd noth ing the re to go

,

i nto e cst a s i e s o ve r I t is a n i mmen se st ru ctu re a nd it s

.

dom e i s v e ry p e cul i a r bei ng as great i n di a m e te r a s St

,
.

Pete r s pe rh a p s but e nough fl a tte r to be rem a rkabl e

’
, ,
.

I t seemed cu rious to see the s e Easte rn devotees going

th rough th e i r e x t r a va ga nt ce r e mon ies i n a ch u rch th at was
built for Ch risti a n worsh ip ; t h i s st rike s o n e more th a n
a nyt hing els e .

The pai nt e d b ronze open w ork o f the c a pitol s o f the

-

col umn s and th e fil igree i nl ay i ng above th e m a re cu rious

but not fasci n a ti ng The n u m e rous p ill a rs i n o n e p iece
.
,

p r e cious m a rbles a r e n ot lov e l y b e c a use t hey a re so

,

ch ipped and dent e d a nd rust y a nd u n a ttracti ve .

The gaud y mos a ics i n the dome a nd t hei r grotesque

Tu r k i s h writing a r e n ot p retty .

The vast gi l t ci rcul a r w ooden s i g n s at the co rn er s a re

n ot h a ndsome .

N eithe r a re th e nu mberle ss coa rse o il mug s fo r taper s -

,

s us pended eve ryw h e re I had to e nt e r i n stockin g feet

.
,

a nd ca ught c old a nd got m y fe e t stuck up with th e abom

i n at io n s th a t b e s me a r e d th e p a ved fl oor s eve rywhe re .

I t w as not be w itch ing to s ee a nu mbe r of di rt y va rl e ts

i n all m anne r o f abs u rd costu me s itti n g tailor fa s hion on ,
-

t h e floor r e citi ng t hei r l essons

,
.

I don t th i nk much of St Soph i a

’

1 0 0 0 c ol u m n s u nde rg rou nd —
. .

c u ri ou s —no t h i ng mor e .

Th e fa ct th at he cau g ht cold th e r e had s ome

75
 M A R K TWA I N
th ing t o d o wi th t h e t e m pe r of th es e not es of ,

cou rs e but in th e book w ri tt e n month s l ate r he

,

s till had l it tl e good to say of St So ph ia Othe r

. .

as pec ts of th e ci ty h e fou n d m o r e pl ea s i ng

Wom en ra th e r p retty wi th th ei r veil ed fa ces an d fl ow

i ng O riental robe s —bu t fl itt i n g about i n the m a gn ifi c ent
di s ta nces of t he di m a rche s of the g reat baza a rs loo k ,

h orribly l ike the s h rouded dead ab r oad in th e ea rt h .

Th e bazaa rs of S ta mbo ul —wonde rf ul .

The d ogs of Co n s ta nti nople more so .

E mb roide red j acke ts of gol d and pu rpl e bl ue and cr i m

s on—s ple n d id Pe rs i a n s h awl s and fab ri cs—and Tu rkis h
,

—gorg eous
.

Turkis h F at her R ec o m m e nd s H i s 80 11

Ca n re co mm e n d my so n a s a sm a rt bo y and t e rri fi c
—
l ia r c an ch eat deftly ”
.

N ew pal a c e on th e A s iati c s ide of t h e beauti ful B os

p h o ru s ( 3 mile s wi de ) i s bu il t o n s p ot whe re Con s tan ti ne
e re cted a gold cross to c ommemorate h i s c onve rs ion .

Wh en Tu rks took the pl a c e and began t o bu ild m any ,

th ou g h t he w ould decl a re hi m s el f Ch ri s ti an when fi n

ish ed and wai t ed to baptize th e i r c h ild r e n the n They a re
,
.

wa i ti n g ye t .

R us sia

S pent a day at Seba s topo l Mel an c holy pl a ce— wilde r

nes s of battered d o wn hou s e s—
.

look l ike fo re s t of b roke n

c hi m n ey s Not 3 doze n habi table dwell i ngs—t hey all
.

76
 MARK TWA I N
They s ell C i rc a s si a n gi rls yet in Constan ti nople b ut ,

t h e m a rkets a re p rivate .

Aug . 25 .
—O
way ba c k t o Y al ta to c all o n th e
n o ur

Em pe ror of Ru ss i a who ha s tel eg raphed t he Gove rnor,

Gene r al of Ode ss a con ce rnin g the ma tt e r and th e th in g ,

i s all ri g h t .

0 gee m in y what a s ti r there i s ! Wh at a call ing of

, ,

meeti n gs ! Wh at an ap poi nti n g of com mi ttees ! Wh a t a

fu rbi s hi ng up of s wallow tail coats ! -

A co m mi tt ee was ap poi nted t o d ra ft a n add r ess

to th e Em pe ror Ma rk Twa in wa s elected chai r .

m an a nd i nst ruct ed to p repa re the add ress ; wh i c h

he re follow s a s o ri gin al ly set d o wn in h i s no te
,

book .

Your I m pe rial Maj sty e

We a han d f ul of private citizens o f Am e ica travelli ng

are r ,

s im p ly f o recreat i on Gt unoste ntati ou ly as be m s ur u

r ,
s , co e o n

ofli i l stat e
c a the re f ore we have n o ex cuse t ten de r f p o or re

se nt i n g ou elv s be f re your M
,

rs eaj esty save th e d i re o f ff e r i ng

o , es o

ou r grate f u l kn ow led gm e nt t o th e lord o f a ealm whi h

ac s r c ,

th rough good 6: th o ugh ev il report has bee n th e f ast f ri en d f

r o

the h a d we l ove so well .

We could not presum e to take a st ep l ike t h i s did we n ot

k ow well that t h wo r ds we speak h ere a se nt i m e nts w h e rewi th
n e ,

th ey ar f r igh t d a but th e refl ex f the th ugh ts 8! t h f eel

e e e , re o o e

i ngs o f ll our countrym en f rom t h gree n h i l l s o f N w E g

a , e e n

lan d t o the h ores o f t h f

s Pa i fi c We a f ew in n um be r but
e ar c . re ,

we utt e r t h voi e f a n t i on !
e c o a

On f t h b r i gh t t page t hat h s graced t h e world h i st ory

’
e o e es s a s

si ce w i tte n h i t r
n r
y had bi rth w a
s o r ecorded b y yo ur Maj e ty , s s
’
s

h an d when it loosed th bon ds of twenty m illion serf s ; an d e

78
 NOTE B OO K
Am e ri can s can but e teem i t a p rivile ge t d h on o t s rule r o o r o a

wh h o wr ugh t g e t a deed Th le n that w t ugh t u

as o so r a e sso as a s

then we have p r fi ted by 8r a re f ree i n trut h t —

.

o d y eve n o a as

—
, , , ,

we we e be f r e i n n e Am e r i a we m uch t R u ia i i
deb ted t he r i n m ny w y —
r m o a . c o s o ss s n

o an d chiefly f he r unw ve r i ng
a a s or a

f r ie n d hi p i n ea ns f u g eate t n eed T hat t hat f r ien d hi p

s so s o o r r s . s

m y t ill be he r i n t i m e t
a s m e we c fi de t ly pray ; t h t h
s o co , on n a s e

i 8c wil l be gr te f ul t R u ia 8: t he r S ve rei gn f
s a it we
o ss o o or ,

k n w f ull well ; t hat h wi ll eve r f r f ei t i t by any prem edi tated

o s e o ,

u j ut
n t o un f ai r co ur e i t we re tr e
s ac , r n t believe s ,
aso o .

( S i gn ed ) Sam L C lem e n C h
’
. . s, n

D C r ke r
. oc

A N S nd f rd
. . a o

C l K i n ey
o . n

Wm G ib n . so

On beh lf f the pa e nge r a f the U S S team e Q uake C i ty

o ss s o . . r r ,

C C D unc n c m m n di ng
. . a o a .

Yal t R u ia A ug 2 5 1 8 67
a, ss -
.
,

Th a t job i s ove r Writin g add re ss e s t o Emperor s i s not

.

my stron g s u i t How eve r i f it i s not as g ood as i t might

.
,

,
—
be it does n t s i g n i fy the ot he r com mitte e m e n ought to
’

—
h a ve helped write it th e y had noth ing e l se to do and I ,

h ad my h a nds ful l B ut fo r bothe ring w ith thi s m a tte r I .

w ould h ave caught up enti rely with my N Y Tribu ne . .

corres pondence a nd n e a rly wi th the S a n F rancisco co r

, .

The reception of our p a rt y b y th e E mpe ror is to come

o fl a t the s u mm e r p al ace at noon to morro w -
.

Aug 2 6 The i mpe rial c a rriage s w e r e i n wa iting a t 1 1

. .
,

a nd a t 1 2 w e w e re a t th e p a l a c e .

I n 5 m i nutes the E mp e ror a nd E mp ress th e G r a n d ,

Duch ess M a rie a nd th e l ittl e G r a nd Duk e a pp ea red an d

wel comed th e pa rty pl ea santl y .

The co n s ul fo r Ode ss a read the address a nd the Cza r

79
 MA RK TWA I N
“ ”
s aid f r eq uen tl y Good ve ry good i n deed a n d a t th e
, ,
“
clo s e I a m ve ry ve ry g rateful
, ,
”
.

Afte r t al kin g h al f a n hou r the I mpe rial pa rty c ondu cted

us all th rou g h th e palace an d then all th rou g h t h e you ng
.

c rown p ri nce s beauti ful pal ace

’
.

B y th is t i me i t wa s a fte r 1 and a n i nvitatio n ca me ,

from t he G r a nd D uke Mich a el to vi s it h i s g a rden s park ,

and p a l ace a nd b re ak fa s t with h i m wh ich w e did ,

.

P rince D algo rouki went a long and s o did th at j ol l y ,

Count F est et ics w h o i s to ma r ry the Go ve rnor-Gene ral s ’

d au g hte r So al so the Lord H i gh Admi ral o f Russi a and

.

a n umbe r of the nobil ity o f both s exe s connected wi th the

E mperor s hou s ehold
’

B u t t h e G rand Duke Micha el i s a ra re b rick —

.

and hi s
wi fe i s one of the ve ry plea s antest of all thes e plea s ant
people and both a re soc i able
—
.
,

Wha t h appened i n the pa rk and a g ai n i n th e c ou rt of

th e pal ace whe re th e fou nt a i n w as and the fl ow ers—and
, ,

a bove all the oc cu r rence u nde r th e po rch wh i c h ha s th e

Ca ry a tide s i n i mit a tion o f the Tem ple of E rec h theu s a t
Ath en s—these were rich —they mus t n eve r be tru s ted to
t reache rou s pape r memo ry will do —I gue ss n o on e i n
—
the worl d who co ul d app reci ate a j oke would be l ikel y t o
forg et the m .

Wh a t r eal l y h appened i n th e pa rk was t ha t

“ ”
on e of t he Qu ake r City pilgri m s s aid to th e
Gr a n d D uke i n a voice s ubdu ed i n qual i ty bu t
, ,

not i n ca r ryi n g powe r ,

“ ”
S ay Dook whe r e s t he wate r c l os et ?
, ,
’
-

“
The u nde r t h e porc h j oke w a s a s h e c o n ”
,

fess ed y e a r s a fte rw a rd on h i m s el f H e h ad n o,
.

ti c ed that a n u mbe r of t he foreign gue s ts had a

bit of r e d ribb o n i n thei r buttonh ol es—an o rn a
m en t a s h e s uppos ed H e thou g h t it attra ctive
a n d di sco ve r i n g a bi t of r ed r ibbo n—fro m a c i g a r
, .
,

80
 NOTE B OOK
pe rhap s —tied i t i n h is ow n buttonhol e P re s .

entl y Cou nt F est et ics G r a nd Maste r o f Ce re ,

moni e s i n q u i r e d as to h is L e gion o f Honor

,

decor a tion H e re a l ized th e n and wa s emb a r

.
,

rass ed but no t enti rel y floor e d

, He s aid h a stily .

th a t h i s ribbon w as m e r e ly a s y mbol of a cl ub o f
jou rn a l i sts to w h ich he b e long e d .

We h a d n ot b ee n at th e G r a nd D uk e s long w he n the ’

E mp ress a nd th e G r a nd Duch e ss M a ri e c a m e a nd shortl y ,

a ft e rw a rd th e E mp e ror h i ms e l f H e look e d much nobl e r .

th a n the E mp e ror N a pol e on and a hu nd r e d ti mes more ,

s o th a n t h e Sult a n o f Tu rkey R e m a in e d h al f a day .

,

n e a rly .

Aug 2 7 C a rpet s we re s p read ove r th e p ie r and the

—
. .

Gov e rnor G e n e r a l and f a mil y c a m e o n bo a rd the s hip ( w e

s a l ut e d w i th 9 guns ) and a fte rwa rd [here follo w s a list
o f dign it a ri e s i ncl uding G e n Todt leb en the honored d e
,
.
,

fend e r o f S e b a stopol a l l du ri ng th e si e g e And a l a rge .

n u mb e r o f a rm y a nd n a vy o ffi ce rs a nd titled and u nti tled

l a di e s a nd g e ntlem e n ] .

Ch a mpagn e blo w o ut - .

Aug 2 8 S a iled for Const a nti nopl e l a st night s a l uting

. .
,

—
as we l e ft a nd fi r ew orks Th a t b ea uti ful l ittl e d e vil I
.

d a nc e d w ith at th e bal l i n th a t i mpossibl e Russi a n d a nce

s til l runs i n my h ea d Ah me ! i f I h a d onl y kno w n ho w
.
,

to t a l k R uss i a n ! Ho weve r sh e must h ave kno w n I w as

,

s ay ing s om et hing w ith all that ab su rd English wh ich sh e

coul dn t u nde rstand
’
.

Al l d a y l a d i e s b a th e n a k e d i n full vi ew o f t he sh ip They .

don t con s id e r i t a n y h a rm I suppos e At Odess a all a g e s

’
,
.

an d s exe s bathe to g ethe r .

Au g . 29 . P as s ed th rou g h th e beau ti ful Bospho ru s j u st

81
 MA R K TWA I N
a ft e r dayli g h t an d an chored away up in t h e Gold en Ho rn ,

nea rl y to th e low e r b ridge Bee n on s hore a nd found D a n

.

a n d Fos te r J ack Va n Nos trand a nd C0 1 H aldeman

, . .

The A m e ri ca n min iste r ( Mr Mor ri s ) i s t o d ri nk wi ne.

on b oa rd to n i g h t .

i m pe ri al vi s i t h a s h ad a good efl ect I t wo rr ies the

'

Our .

Subl i me Porte a good deal I t i s well fo r the off e n s ive .

,

re s ol ution s o f Co n g r ess c once rnin g th e Creta n i ns u rrection

h a ve j u s t bee n received a nd i t may p reven t a n o ff en s ive
reply—may even ave rt a wa r—w ho knows .

Sept Wen t ove r t o Sc u t a ri t ook ho rs e and w ent on

2 -

top of mou nta i n b a ck o f ci ty—beauti ful v iew o f C o n

. .

Bos phoru s I s l and s i n sea of Ma rmora—saw mos t o f Bl ack

.

Sea etc
—
.
,

Fou nd a gol d m in & -good l ive qua rtz th e g ol d i n s nu ff

colo red sulp h urett es—o u g ht t o be very v al u a ble he re ,

wh e r e th e l abo r i s s o c h ea p I t s p res en ce i s uns u s pe cted

. .

Th i s is a n in te res ti ng ite m b u t we h ea r no ,

m ore o f it Perhap s the m i ne s till wai ts for a n

.

a cti ve di sco ve r e r .

Sea of M arm a ra

Se p t 3 Tri ed t o l eave Cons tan ti nop l e a t 7 P M b ut in

. . . .
,

dod g i n g a sc h oo ne r whos e ma i n sa il we to r e with o ur bo w

,

s p ri t we fouled a buoy j u st ab rea s t of th e G rand Se rag l io

,

( but wi th i n t he G olde n H o rn ) a n d d ri fted do wn on the

bo ws p rit of a B euct ra bo at—wh i c h c u t o u r s ta r bo a rd
q ua rt er boat c lea r i n two W e got cl ea r a t 1 1 o cl oc k a nd
.
’
,

i n a fe w m o men t s we s aw nothi ng but 5 m iles o f l ights

elevated i n p y ramid s l i n e s and s e mi ci rcle s—arch e s—th e
,

last of Co ns ta nti n ople .

82
 CH A PTE R V III

Sy ria an d th e H oly L an d

S m yrna
F ra n —vill ages o f scatt e r e d house s or te n ts
l ik e s ug a r lo ave s th rough th e gl a sses
-

—
.

Sm y rna B ay i s ve ry deep Count ry

roll ing .

A fte rnoon—o ffi c ers o f gunbo a t Sw at o ra ca me aboa rd .

Asc e nd e d Cit a d e l Hil l ( Mt Pagus o f Scriptu re ) Wen t

. .

to Ca ravan B ridge to see the ca m e l tr a i ns come i n -

.

Ephes us
Sept 6 Al l h and s took t rai n and wen t t o ru i ns of an~
. .

ci ent E p hesus 4 5 m il e s hence

,
.

Anothe r o f the 7 ch u rches of As i a w as h e re .

Apol lo a nd D i a n a were bo rn here H e re th e god P a n .

l u rked i n the C o ress us and th e P rion h ills ; h e re B a cchu s

and H e rcul es fought ag a i nst th e A mazons ; he re H a n ni
b a l Sc ipio Lys a nde r Alex a nde r th e G r ea t a nd m any an
, , ,

oth e r ma n g reat in ancient hi s tory t a rri e d H e re Home r .

w as born ; h e re B rutu s a nd C a ssi us l a y i n re fu g e i n th e

templ e a nd Anthony a nd Cl e op a tra h e l d th ei r gorg eou s
,

revel s He re stood th e s pl e ndid temple o f D iana o f

.

E ph e s u s one o f th e Seve n Wonder s o f the Worl d

, .

He r e Paul and Joh n p reach e d ; h e re the V i rgi n M a ry

l i ve d with Joh n a nd h e re both died and we re bu ri e d
, .

Here i s t h e tomb o f St Luke th e Di s ci pl e H e re Ma ry

. .

83
 MA R K TWA I N
Mag dal e n e li es b uri ed H e re J oh n th e B apti st l ab ored .
.

F ro m th es e n obl e ru in s m any a ch u rc h i n Ch ristendom

an d m an y a mos que ha s bee n suppl i ed with i t s gr an dest ,

it s costli es t and mos t en du rin g col u mn s .

Sept Le ft B e y ru t for Je ru s al em at
. 11 .
3
Our company i s com pos ed of 8 pe rs o n s
Chu r c h of Ohio ,

W R De nn y Va
. .
, .

J ack Va n Nos tr a nd N J , . .

Davi s Sta te n I sland ,

Da n Slot e N Y ,
. .

Moulton Mi ss ou ri ,

D r B i rch .

Sa m Cl eme n s Cal , .

all mou nted o n horses Ab rah a m of Malta i s ch ief d ra go .

man a nd Moh am med of Alex a nd ria E gyp t i s fi rst a ss i s t

, , ,

ant .

Ca m p eq ui p ag e : 3 sleepin g t e nts ; 1 kitchen tent a n d 1 -

,

eati n g ten t all l a rg e fi nely fu rn i s hed and ha ndsome

-
,
.

Our ca rava n n u mbe r s 2 4 m ule s and hor s e s and 1 4

s e rvi n g men—2 8 men a ll told
- .

Ca m ped that n ight on h i g h g rou nd o f the Leban on foot

hi lls 1 0 or 1 2 m il es from Bey ru t .

They w e re off on th e lon g tri p th rou g h Sy ri a

a nd th e enti re lengt h of Palesti ne i n su m m e r ,

ti me Th ree or fou r week s l ate r thos e who sur

.

vived would joi n th e s hi p a t Jo ppa I n th e .

I n n oc ent s w e read ,

te rm s fi ve dollars a day api ece in gold , .

an d eve ryt h i n g to be f urn i shed by the d ragom an .

They said we would l ive as well as at a h ot el I .

h ad read som e th i ng like th at be fo re an d did not ,

84
 MA R K TWA I N
of roast m utt on , roast ch icken, roast go oae, ot a
p
toes bread t ea puddi ng apples an d del i c i ous
, , , , ,

g rapes ; the vian ds were be tt er cooked t han any

we had eaten f or weeks an d the table m ade a fi n er
appearance wi th i la rge G erman s ilver can dle
t
,s -

st i cks an d o ther fi n e ry th an an y table we had sat

d own t o f or a good while an d yet that poli te ,

dragom an Ab raham cam e bowi ng i n an d apol

, ,

ogi z i n g f or t he wh ole affai r on ac count o f the ,

unavo idable con f us i on o f ge tt i ng un der way f or a

ve ry l ong tr i p an d p rom i si ng t o do a great deal
,

be tt e r i n f uture !
It is m id n i gh t n ow an d we b reak cam p at six
,

i n the m o rn i ng !
T hey call t hi s cam p i ng out A t th is rate i t is .

a gl o r i ous r i vi le ge t o be a i l grim t o t he H oly

p p
Lan d .

“
I t wo ul d n ot all be a gloriou s p rivi l ege but ,

not m any t h in gs i n t h i s worl d co ul d be more

i ns p i rin g th a n thei r s ta rt To be youn g ( he wa s .

no t yet s ta rti n g with boon companion s on a

t ri p in to h is tori c Syri a a nd the H oly Land—d ays
of it week s of it n o h u rry—a n d the n nex t
, , ,

mo r ning
Th e al oon t e t h d bee n t ripped of it sid s
s n a s s e ,

an d had n t h i ng le f t b ut it roo f ; so whe n we

o s

sa t d ow n t table we could l ook out ove r a n oble

o

p n r m a f m ountai n se
a o a o d h azy valley A d
, a, an . n

si tt i ng t h us t h e sun ro e l wly up d suff ued

, s s o an s

th p i ctu e wi th a w rld o f r i ch col r i g

e r o o n .

Sept B roke cam p a t 7 A

. 12 . j u s t as Co l F os te r a n d . M . .

C o l Hyde went by i n t h e d il ige nce bo und for Da m a sc u s

. .

W e passed th e Lea ry pa rty a nd th e Bon d pa rty d uri ng

t he day .

86
 N O T EB O O K
Ca m e do wn i nto t h e great Le b a non val l ey at noon a nd
res ted and l unch e d a t an old k a hn F a r a way o n the right .

t h e s no w s potted pe a k of Mt H e rmon
- . .

Passed up th e v a ll ey and c a mp e d o n t he lo w e r s ide

—
u nde r the de w s o f He rmon fi rst p a ss i ng th rough a di rty
A r a b vi lla g e and vis i ting t he tomb of Noah of Del u g e ,

not o riety .

R ui ns of B aalbec
B roke c a m p a t A . M
cross e d th e v a ll ey and at I t
.
,

re a ch ed th e m a gnific e nt ru i ns o f B aalb ec M a rch e d about .

th e ru i n e d t e mpl e s a nd th e q u a rri e s 3 o r 4 hou rs Fou nd .

B ul l ard M rs F a i rb a nks J a m e s a nd Be a ch a nd daught e r

,
.
, ,

the re ; m e t J a ckson a nd p a rty and the L ea ry and Bond

,

p a rti e s a r ri ved aft e r wa rd f a g g ed o ut— th en d e p a rted

, .

One o f the fi ne ch apter s o f Th e I n no cent s

i s the o n e describi n g B aalb ec yet th e s e ap , ,

p a tently a re h is onl y note s of th e a ncient city

, .

Ve ry l ikel y he ca rried the p ictu re i n h is h ead

and set i t forth th at nigh t i n a n Alt a lett e r He .

was w ri ti ng a n ave ra g e of th r e e l e tt e rs a w eek

for th e Alt a and th e N ew Y ork Tribun e— lon g
lette rs Wh e n did h e fi nd t h e t i me I n l a t e r l i fe
.
?
“
he cl a ssified h i ms e l f as l azy ; th e ea rl i e r fact s
”

do not bea r h i m out .

Rode seve n hou rs p a rtl y th rough w ild rock y s cenery

, ,

a nd c a mp ed at ten th i rt y on the b a nks o f a p r e tty strea m

-
,

nea r a Syri an v ill a g e Two horse s l a me a nd the oth e rs

.
,

worn out .

Sep t 1 4 B rok e c am p a t 7 A
. . and m a de a fea rful . M .

trip th rou g h the Ze b Dan a valley a nd th e rough moun

t a i ns ( temples ca rved i n th em ) and fin all y along a be a u
ti ful s trea m i n a ch a s m l i ned th ick w i th pomegr a n a te
, ,

fi g olive a n d qu inc e or c ha rds and nooned an hou r at t

, ,

87
 MA R K TWAI N
P Mat th e celeb rat d foun tai n of F igi
. s econ d i n s ize in
e a,

Sy ri a and th e co ldes t wate r i n th e world B athed i n it It

, . .

is t h e p ri nci pl e s ou rce of the Aban a R ive r and i s o n l y

h al f m ile lon g to whe re it j oi n s
B eauti ful pl a c e giant t ree s all a rou nd—va st s t r ea m
.

g u s he s from u nde r the m ou nt a i n i n a torren t Ove r it is .

a ve ry a ncient ru i n wi th no kn o wn h istory s upp os ed to

,
-

h ave bee n fo r th e wo rs hi p of th e fou ntai n .

Where B aalam
’
s a ss l i ved hol y grou n d
, .

D a m as cus
Le ft th e fou n tai n at l P . M
and reached Moh a m med s .
’

lookout place ove r th e w onde rful g a rden and plai n of

D a mascu s and the beau ti ful cit y i n ti me t o g et a good
lon g l oo k a n d de sc e n d i nto th e c ity before th e g a te s we re
cl os ed .

Sept Taken ve ry s ick at 4 A

. 15 . . M .

Sept 1 6 .Abed a ll.

—
day yesterda y got enou g h of Da
m asc us Don t want to see an y more o f i t Took a j acka ss
’
. .

“
a nd a n A rab to d rive i t and vi s ited the Street c alled
St r a i g ht J uda s s hou s e whe re St Paul l ay bl i nd a fte r
’

—
. .

h is adventu re hou s e a nd wel l o f An ania s ( thes e a re g en

uine at any r ate ) the di s ci pl e who went a nd i nve s ted
,

Paul with th e s acred office as com manded by the Saviou r

—the hou s e of Naam an the l epe r whom the p rophet ,

El ij a h ( or El i s ha ) o rde red t o wa s h 7 ti me s i n Jorda n and

s o c u red h i m—the pla c e i n t he city wal l ( evide ntl y ol d
Roma n wall ) whe re Paul wa s let dow n i n th e bas ket a n d
made h i s esc a pe towa rd Je ru s ale m whe n a J ew s ou g ht h i s
l i fe— o ut s ide the w a l l the tomb ( red chi c ken -c oop ) of St .

Geo rg e a g ate keepe r be headed fo r c onn ivi ng at Paul s

,
-
’

esc a pe Fu rthe r out the hol e ( g en u i n e and an c ient ) whe r e

—
.

Pa ul b y h id till he g ot a c han ce to g e t away a n d t h e

88
 M A R K TWA I N
Will ia m F Chu rch a m embe r of th e pa rty—a
.
,

ma n o f o rthodox vi ew s wh o did not approve of,

Ma rk Twa in h is l angua g e o r h i s habits

, , .

“
He w as t he w orst man I eve r knew Chu rc h ,
”

“
s ai d ; th en added An d the be s t “ .
,

H oly L a nd
Sep t .Ed g ed i nto th e Holy Land p rope r t oday
17 .
, .

Afte r noonday l unch cl imbed a g reat cone 1 0 0 0 ft

, .

h igh whi ch ove rlook s t h e ancien t r u i ned ci ty o f C a s arca

Ph ill ippi Dan and th e g rea t plai n whe re in a r e vi s ible
s ome l ittle s tre a m s—s ou rce s of the Jordan
, ,

Th is pl a ce whe re w e a re encamped i s beauti ful wi th

ol ive g rove s a nd the fou ntai n which i s the m a in s ou rce of
—
th e Jordan w e wa s hed i n it and d ra nk of it s wate rs The .

fou nta i n comes from a g reat g rotto whe re th e G re e k s ,

( and th e Roman s a fte rwa rd ) wor s h iped t h e God Pa n

( hen c e th e name Pa ni a s ) and n iches a re ca rved i n th e
,

rock s s till and the G reek i n s cri ptions At the s ame pl ace
,
.

He rod the G r e at e rected a ma rble temple to com m e morate

the vi s it of C z s ar Au g us tus to the c ity a n d c han g ed t h e
cit y s n ame t o C z aarea Ph ill i ppi al s o
’
.

Cw arm P hillippi
A g reat m a ss ive rui ned citadel of 4 a cr e s Ru i n ed .

a rche s w a te rway s b ridge s col um n s c apitol s et c ev ery

, , , , .

whe re Hoofp ri nts deep i n old rock s

. .

Th i s i s the fi rst pl a c e we h ave eve r s ee n who s e pave

m e nts we re t rodden by J esu s Ch ri s t H e re he a s ked the .

di sc i ples who the peopl e took h i m to be and a s ked Pete r ,

w ho he t ook hi m t o be a n d Pete r s co nfi de nt ans we r ’

e l icited th a t famou s s enten c e u pon whi c h al l the vast

po we r a nd i m po rt a nc e the Chu rc h of Rome a r roga t es to
“
its el f i s founded : Thou a rt Pete r a n d u pon th i s roc k
Ix t t er fro m Geo rge H Wa rn er ( b ro ther o f Charles D udl ey
‘

Warner) to the w ri ter M

.

arch I 4 s 9 t t
, , .

90
 N OT E B OO K
e tc —a nd what thou s h a l t b ind u pon the ea rth s h all be
.

bo und i n Heaven etc .

H e re Chri st cu r e d a wom a n w ho h a d had an issue o f

blood for yea rs ( no w adays th e re would h ave b ee n a n
affidavit publ ished ) a nd n ea r he re -possibly on th e castle ,

h ill s ome cl ai m that th e Saviou r s ascens ion t ook pl ace

,
’
.

Sept 1 8
—
. .

I t w a s fi rst age s ago the Phoen ician Laish a lot of

,

D a nit e s from Sodom 60 0 came o v e r l ike a pack o f ad

, ,

v e ntu re rs a s th ey we re and captu r e d the pl a c e and l iv e d

, ,

the re as sort o f l uxu riou s agricultu rist s till Abraha m

, ,

h a ze d the m i n afte r ti mes .

W e t raveled a lon g stretch ( 4 mi l es ) of m is e r a ble rocky

road o v e r ru n by wate r and fi n a ll y tu rn e d a nd follo w ed
, ,

do w n the othe r s ide of the val l ey ove r a h a l f gr e en hal f ,

-
,

ru st y cou nt ry full o f fi ne s he e p bul ls o f B a s han and ,

B e doui n s hephe rds The B e dou i ns a re descended from

.

Esau and s corn to l ive i n houses Sa w thei r tents Th en

, . .

th rough seve ral l a rge Arab vill a g e s m ade o f co a rse mat

ting hous es sh a ped l ike an omnibus and fi n a l ly afte r
, ,

nooning a nd ridi ng 2 h rs alon g a v a st gr ee n s wa mp that .

occupi e s the w hol e width o f th e v a lley we c a m p e d at l ast

a t a fou n ta i n a nd m ill we l l dow n a b re a st o f L a k e Hul a ,

o r the W a t e rs o f M e rom of B ible f a m e ,

.

S e pt 1 9 Left ou r c a mp by t he W a te rs o f Me rom a t
M
. .
,

7 A . .

Th e A rabs th re w ston e s i nto the c a mp l a s t n ight and

t ried to st a mpede th e horses .

Rode 2 h rs ove r tol e r a bl y a r a ble l and ( fast ) and came

—
.

i n s i g ht of th e S ea o f G a l il ee shortly c a me to a n old
kah n and i n i t ex a mi ned the a rch e d pit cal l e d Joseph s
,
’

well whe re h i s b reth ren th re w hi m Th e n ove r a horribl e

,
.
,

rocky ba rren dese rt ( l ike Nevada ) w ith scatteri ng g oat s

,

and shephe rds ( w i th pi pe s ) a nd pas s ed S a fed and clos e ,

or
 M A R K TW A I N
to th a t B eth s ai da f rom whi ch Ch ri s t s e nt h i s di sci pl es in
,

a boat a fte r th e m i racl e o f 5 loav es and 2 fi s hes pe r

,

formed at t h e othe r Be th s aida which i s above the mou th ,

of th e Jorda n 2 m iles and a l ittle to th e eastwa rd whe r e ,

An d rew an d s eve ral o the r di sci pl es h a iled fro m O n e m il e .

from Beth s ai da we de sc e nded to th e Se a at C apurn aum ,

Ch ri s t s d w ell ing pl a c e whe re h e pe rfo rm ed a grea t many

’
-
,

m i ra c le s Some old c ru mbl ing ru in s the re a ru ined ka h n

.
,

an d a fig t ree a nd fountai n A rab s and camel s ,

.

Nea r he re wa s th e ma rvelou s d rau g h t o f fis hes .

T r i ed to g et a bo a t and didn t ,
’
.

Thi s is t h e b rie f n ote th at Ma rk Twai n en

larged l at e r i n Chapte r XLVI I o f Th e I n no c ent :
A broad Th e p il gri m s he s ay s h ad been i n a
.
, ,

s e m i rh ap s ody eve r s i n c e th ey h ad a rrived nea r

-

th e S e a of Ga li lee Th e th ou g h t of actu al ly s ail

.

i n g o n t he wate r s t hat h ad bo rne th e S aviou r

a nd t h e A postle s almos t ove r ca me th e m A s t o .

t he cos t i n money of th i s p r ec iou s p rivilege i t

was not even c on s ide red The n they h ea rd the .

p rice and los t enth u sias m .

Somet hi ng of the sort h appened As rel ated i t .

,

m ay be m ixed wi th imagin ation a l it t l e b u t a t ,

a ny rate t he pil g ri m s d id not ge t the bo a t .

A b ri e f note fol lo ws
T ook a ba t h — ( to coo l them s elves off pe r
‘ ”
,

h ap s ) .

C ros s e d a l ong r i c h ol eande r pl a i n along t he sea to

—
, ,

Magdal a the bi rth pla c e of M a ry M agdal e n e the ratti

,

e st ru s tie s t di rt i es t l ittle coll e ction of mud hovels tat

, , ,

t ooed w omen a nd s o r e e yed ch ild ren i n P a le s ti ne

- .

Then c e alon g the ed g e of a mountai n to Tibe riu s , ,

a nothe r n as ty mud h ov el vi lla g e fu ll o f Ara bs J ews and

-
, ,

N egr oes .

9 2
 MA RK TWA I N
I ma gi ne Ch ri s t s ’
30 yea rs of l i fe in t h e s low v ill a ge
N aza reth .

I f Ma rk T w ai n h ad n ot been p reviou s ly fa
m il ia r w i th B ibl e h i s tory he wa s t o become r ea
son ably fa m il i a r wi th it now He h ad bou g h t a .

l ittl e B ible at Co nstan t i nopl e a nd h e read i t ,

dil i gently Th a t he wa s deeply i mp re ss ed i s ce r

ta i n—h i s w ri ti n g s how s that and i n a w ay whi c h
.

pe rh ap s h e did no t at th e moment real ize Some .

th ing of th e s tatel y s impl icity o f the Ki n g J ame s

ve rs ion crept i nto h i s s tyl e and remai ned the re
, .

“
I f a s ha s been s aid Ma rk Twai n wrote the
, ,

pu re s t Engl i s h of any m ode rn write r th e rea

”
,

son for i t i n some mea s u re at least i s to be fou nd

, ,

h ere .

Sept . 21Le ft Naza reth and it s ch al k h il l s at

. and
g alloped across the Pl ai n o f E s d raelon to E ndor the
ru stie s t of all o f them al mos t—a few nasty m ud cabi ns
,

m a n y caves and hole s i n the h ill from which t h e fi e rc e ,

r a gg ed di rty i nh abita nt s s w a rmed P0 p 2 50

,
. . .

Th e Wit ch s ’
C ave
Ha s a fig t ree be fore it and a s p ri n g within Endor i s a .

fit pla c e fo r a w itch Cam e l dung on the roofs a nd c aked

.

a g ain s t the hou s es to dry .

Nai n
An hou r fu rthe r—s til l small to wn s Littl e moss ove r .

s pot once occupied by t he wido w s hou s e G raveya rd ’

ve ry old a nd ratty —e xi s t s yet a nd place s ho w n where

.

co rp se w a s pa ss i n g th rou g h city wall when Ch ri st res u r

rec t ed i t .

/ [a n d C it y o

On th e h ill whe re Ahab Kin g of J udah l iv ed i n spl en

, ,

94
 N OT E B O O K
dor wi th h i s awful h e i fe r Jezebel w h o s wore awa y a , ,

fello w s li f e who w ould not s e ll his va ll e y vin eya rd to

’

h e r and then took poss e ssion —o u a ccount o f w h ich sh e

,

fe ll u nde r a cu rs e J e hu the might y ride r rod e fu ri

.
, ,

( couldn t h a v e don e i t a n y wh e r e but i n th is pl ai n )

” ’
o us ly

c a ptu r e d the cit y th r ew J e z ove r the wall s and sh e was

,
.

eat e n by th e dogs .

F o unt ai n fj
o ezreel

Wh e re Gid e on sl ipp e d up o n th e Midi an ites and

Am a l e kites w ith hi s 30 0 who l a p p e d l ik e dogs and w ith
c a ndles pitchers and tru mp e ts m a d e a gr ea t host sl a y
,

t hemselves .

H e r e S a ul c a mp e d w h il e th e Ph il isti n e s l ay at Sh un am
,

( big ad va nt a g e o f s lop e a l l th e w ay ) I n th e n ight he .

passed ov e r left should e r o f Little He rmon to E ndor

w h e re w itch c a ll e d up S a mu e l w ho p ro p h e s i e d S a u l s ’

def ea t N e x t d ay h e and Jon a th a n a nd 2 oth e r sons fl e d

.

ov e r Mou nt Gilbo a ( o ve r our h ea ds ) a nd th e 3 we re killed

a nd S a ul f e ll o n h is s w ord th us m a ki ng th e th ron e to Dav id .

—
Esd ra e lon i s w h at s tands for the A rm a g e ddon o f Scrip
tu r e M e giddo .

Th is Esd r a elon is c a ll e d the b a ttl e field o f the n ations .

1 1 s e p a r a t e a nd disti nct n a tions h ave fought i n it Th ink .

o f a l l th e s e m a rs h a l e d a t once i n this gr ea t lev e l pl a i n ,

2 5 miles long a nd 8 b ro a d— th e Ass y ri a ns a nd Pe rs i a n s ,

th e J ew s and G e ntil e s Crus a d e rs and S a r a c e ns Egyp

, ,

ti ans Tu rks A r a bs a nd F r a nks i n di ve rs costu m e s a

, , , ,

S pl e ndid a rr ay C a l l up th e s h a do wy w a rriors a nd deploy

.

them ag a i n on the g r e at plai n u nde r t h e moon !

Next to El Genin w h e r e w e a re c a mp e d D r J a ckson

,
. .

and P a yne a r e h e re and th e P a sh a of Akk a w ith a gre a t

r e tinue o f many camels Croc ke r pa rty h ave gone to .

S he c hem .

9S
 M A R K TW A I N
S ep t. Le ft Gen i n at t A
22 . . M
Some ti m e be for e day
.

li g h t p ass ed n ea r a nothe r pla ce whe re Jos eph s b r eth ren ’

pitt ed hi m .

About n oo n a fte r pas s i ng ove r a s u cces s io n of m ou n

,

ta in top s ( saw the Medite rranea n Se a 40 m il es d i s ta nt )

and m a ny bibl ical citi es i n w hich the i nh abit a nt s looked
'

s avage and would h ave l iked to th row s tones ( women a nd

babie s wi th el aborate coi n h ead -d resse s ) .

We ca me to th e s in g ula rly te rraced hil ls whi ch s howed

that w e w ere o ut o f Gal ilee a n d i nto Sam a ria .

Cl i mbed a hill to vi s i t the ru i n o f the city whe r e the

woma n o f Sam a ri a conve rsed wi th Ch rist a nd g ave h im
—
to d ri nk whe re th e g ood Sam a ritan ( the o nl y o n e th at
eve r l ived th e re ) dwel t an d whe r e El ish a b rou g ht
,

Naama n to be cu red of h is lep ros y .

I t i s rough s tone m ud hovel s and camel dun g a s us ual

—and a hund red l i mestone col u mn s 2 ft i n di a mete r 20 .

—
,

ft h i g h a nd no capitol s o r ba s e s lo w e s t g rade of a rchi

.

t ect urh a n d I s up p os e that t h i r is all th at re m a ins of

H e rod s boa s ted beau ti fyin g o f the ci ty

’
.

Ruin s o f a Ch ri s t i a n c h u rch o f th e C rus ades a nd t he

tomb of S t J oh n the Eva ngel i s t—r emain s t ran s fe rred to
.

t h e Chu r c h o f th e A nn u nciation Gen o a , .

The A rab s s toned M r James he re a nd 2 s ton es h i t

Miss B rown —o ur pa rty wa s no t mol es ted ex c ept that a
.
,

s mall bo y th rew a s tone at the d oct o r

M
.

Nabl u s o r Sheche m Lun c heo n the r e at 3 P

. The . .

Croc ke r a nd Bea c h pa rty on the h ill Ebal o n the left .

( h il l of c u r s i ng ) and G e rezim on the ri g ht ( hil l o f ble s s

i ng ) Ebal i s c ul tivat e d wi th gra pe s— 4 c at t e ri ng ol ive s on
—
.

t he othe r d i s prove s the enth u s iast s who s ay t he a ccurs ed

mo unta i n i s ba rre n a nd t he othe r bl oomi n g
—
.

O n t h e hill is th e oldes t m a n u scr i pt i n exis t e nce J ew

96
 MARK TWAI N

Chu rch o f th e H ol y Sepulche r .

Org an a nd ch anting of th e monk s .

Di m ca th ed ral l ights of many s moki n g ta pe rs .

Pl ace whe re Hele n a fou nd th e c r oss and he r c h apel

whe re s he s a t .

Pill a r of F lagellat ion .

“
Pl a ce whe re s oldie r wa s beheaded who s ai d T rul y th i s ,
”
wa s the so n of God .

Pl a ce whe re Joh n and Ma ry s tood looki n g at Ch rist on

“
the c ross when he s aid Woman behold th y son ”
, .

Pl ace whe re J e s u s appea red t o Ma ry i n th e G a rde n .

Pl ace whe re the w omen ca me at ea rly dawn and saw

th e a ng el at th e s epulc he r .

The rent r ock and th e hole s whe r e th e 3 cross e s s t ood .

N avel o f the worl d i n th e G reek ch apel whe re Adam s ,

’

dust ca me from S word and s pu r s of Godf r ey o f B ouillon

.
,

fi rs t Ki n g of Je ru s ale m (g enu ine ) .

’
Adam s grave .

C rown of thorn s .

Th e fact that h e not e s pa re nt heti c all y th a t th e

s word and s pu rs o f God frey of Bou illon a re
“
g en ui ne ca s ts a doubt o n th e othe r rel ic s a nd
”

l andma rk s His c hapte r o n the Chu rch o f th e

.

Hol y S e pul c he r i n cl udi ng h i s r efle ction s a t

,

Ada m s g rave i s one of th e bes t i n the book

’
,
.

With J e ru s ale m a s thei r headqua rte rs they ,

n ow made ex c u r s ion s to n ea r by l oc alities o f -

s a c red intere st .

Sep t. 24 Le ft J e rus ale m a t 8 A

. Pa ss ed o u t a t St . M . .

S tephen s G a te alon g ba s e of Ol ivet i n Valley of h

’
,
e

hos ap h at by Jewi s h grav e ya rd a nd tom b o f Ab s alom

J ews th row sto n es at it to th is day .

98
 fea rfull y r a tty—s ome hou s e s
Vi ll a g e of B eth any I t i s
m ud—6 ft s q ua re a nd othe rs holes i n the g rou nd—all
.

.
,

wi ndow le s s .

Hou s e and tomb o f L aza ru s and hi s 2 s i s ter s .

j eric h o A ncien t
Whe re J o s h u a m a rched a rou nd 7 ti me s and blew down
th e w all s M a n y ru i ns still the r e—a rches o f cou rs e and
.
, ,

mos a ics i n the b rook P recipice p e rforat e d w ith hol e s

. .

Th is i s the Pl a i n of Je richo not e d as th e most fe rtile

—
,

S pot i n P a l e sti n e th e y used to i rrigate it .

Ca mped n ea r o ld s q u a re towe r ( Middl e Age s no

doubt ) a nd mode rn mud Je rich o—g arrisoned by 1 2 men
,

—Bed 0 u i n wa r .

P riest onl y en t e red H oly of H ol ie s once a y ea r and ,

th e n s e nt sc a p e go a t th rough Golden G a t e to th e w ild e r

ness —some r a sc a l gobbled hi m up s ins and all before h e , ,

got a hu nd re d ya rds .

No Second Advent—Ch rist been he re once w ill neve r ,

come a g ai n .

D ead Sea
S ep t . 25 . Vi s i t ed a n cient
Je richo and th e Fou n t ai n of
El ish a Fou nd mosaics i n the pool
. .

Abraha m h a d a row with th e Ar a b s about p i tc h in g

tent s i n a hot v a l l ey a mon g th e fig t re e s
M
.

As us u a l got Up 2 h rs t oo soon ( at 2 A
, ) and at 4
. . .

h ad trave rsed th e Pl a i n o f Je richo a nd a rrived at th e

Rive r Jorda n—the ford whe re the 1 2 stones we re take n
o ut .

Lay do w n in the bushe s and slep t 2 hou r s and c augh t

cold Got up and crossed th e Jordan Th e n rode 2 hou rs
. .

to th e Dead S ea and took a lon g ba th Face bl i st e red and

,
.

h ai r filled wi th c ry s ta ll ized s alt .

99
 MAR K TWAI N
Afte r p ro vid in g so m a n y s hei k s and gui des neve r s aw
,

a B edou i n .

Sept 2 6 Got up a t 3 A
. . . M
and t ravel ed 2 54 hou rs ove r
.

mountai n s and got to th e enclos u re o f ol ive t re es in a

pl ai n w he re th e angel s an nou nced the bi rth of the Saviou r
to th e s hepherds The n 54 hou r to Bethl e hem a nd to the
.

Mil k G rott o Th e n t o th e Conven t of the Nati vi ty buil t

.

b y St Hel en a i n 3 2 6
. .

Pl a ce whe re ch il d ren beheaded by Herod we re

bu ri ed
Lun c hed the re an d l eft—2 hou r s t o J e ru s al em On the
.

way visited Ra c hel s tomb ( auth e ntic )

’
.

I n Je rus al e m b reak fa s ted at n oon at th e Medite rranea n

Hotel and then went to the Hil l o f Off en s e whe re Solomo n
buil t a templ e fo r h i s E gyp ti a n wi fe T ree t he re tha t .

J uda s I s ca riot h anged h i m s el f from .

Went to th e J ew s wail ing pl a ce alon g t h e old w a l l o f

’
-

Solomon s Templ e—Cyclopean m a s on ry—m any Pha risee s

’

wi t h a c u rl forwa rd of th e ea r .

An othe r pa rt of the Templ e Wall whe re D r Robi nso n .

di s cove red th e s p ri ng of the a rch wh ich Solomon bu ilt to

conne ct Zi on H ill with th e t empl e The p rophec y t h a t 2 .

s tone s s hould not r e m ai n 1 u po n th e othe r not st ri ctl y

fulfilled .

Th e ravens coul d h a rdl y make thei r o wn l ivi ng l e t

,

alone bo a rd El ij a h .

l c ruralcnt c ont , .

Sept 2 7 Le ft cam p out s ide the c ity wal l s b et wee n t he

. .

Dama sc u s and J a ff a gate s ( i n h e ad of Hinnom valley

whi c h ca rried the wa te r s of Gihon ) and pa ss ed J a ffa G ate
on wes t of t he c i ty and c ross ed Hin no m valley betw e e n ,

up pe r and lo we r G ihon poo l s w he re a n aquedu ct built by

Solomon c ross es Th e n went s out h and cl i mbed the H il l
.

of Evil Coun c il a n d st ood on the h ou s e of Caiapha s whe re

1 00
 CHA PTE R I X

S upp lem e n t ar y H ol y L an d N at e:

M am m y Man e on m e V a s s an EN , Rom F OR Ecm

Nazaret h
J os eph of A ri math ea ca rpente r ,
.

The s ynagogu e whe re Ch ri st read the Sc riptu res n ow a

Ch ri stian ch u rch .

The h ill where the mul titude i nte n ded to c ut h i m down .

The h i ll i n th e rea r o f the town when c e an extensive

— — —
view ca n be had Tabor He rmon Ca rmel E s draelon —
—h e s aw al l the s e—o ne s thoughts ru n o n the boyhood of
’

Ch ri st s o conne c ted wi t h the s e s cenes Here h i s mothe r .

m a rked th e s ayin gs o f the Ch ri s t a nd po nde r ed th e m i n

h e r h ea rt.

—
Tabo r i s i n t he di s tance an i s ol a t ed to wn i n t he Pl ai n
of E s d raelon —o n top ru i n s s ince Jos hua a nd C rusade s
,
.

He re Deborah by di rec t ion of G od gathe r ed 1 0 0 0 0 me n

, ,

u nde r com mand of B a ra k ( J ud ges V ) .

Bonapa rt e Kl ebe r w ith 30 0 0 m e n en g a ged 2 70 0 0 Na

M
.
,

p o leo n from Tab o r d r o ve them ba c k u pon urat s c av

’

a lry Je s u s t ook Pete r

. Jam es and Joh n —w h ile p rayin g
,

h is ga rment be c ame wh ite and s hi ni ng and the r e ap ,

p e a red M os e s and El i s ha talkin g wi t h, h i m .

oreph r To m b
’
[
Joseph c a m e to th is fi eld whe re i s h i s tom b i n s ea rc h ,

o f h is brothe r .

10 3
 NOT E B O O K

j os h . 2 4-3 2

J os eph wh en clos ing h is ey es i n death s aid G od w il l

as s u r edl y vis it you and b ri ng y ou out of this l a nd unto ,

the l a nd wh ich he s wea e d to Ab rah a m I s aa c and J acob

t ,
.

The re and then h e e x a cted o f th e m a n oath that they

w ould ca rry up h is bones w ith th e m when th ey went o ut
of Egypt .

“
And the bones of J o s ep h w h ich the ch ildren of Is ra e l
b rough t up o ut of Egy pt bu ried th e y i n Sh e ch e m i n a
p a rc e l of grou nd w hich J acob bought o f th e sons of Hamor
th e F a th e r o f Sh e che m fo r 1 0 0 pi e ces o f s il ve r ”
.

At th e b a se o f Ebal i s a l ittl e s q u a re a r e a enclosed by

l igh t s tone wal l neatl y wh ite w a s hed— across o n e end of
th i s encl osu re i s a Mosl em tomb th e Tomb o f Joseph ,
.

Sama ri ta n a nd J ew Mosl em a nd Ch risti a n al ike r e vere

, ,

it and honor i t with thei r vis it s The Tomb o f Joseph

, .
,

the duti ful so n the affectionate forgiving b roth e r the

—
, ,

vi rtuou s m a n the wise p rince and rule r E gypt felt h i s

,
.

in fl uen ce the world kno w s hi s h istory .

[ ac ob s
’
Well
H ow m any h istori c associ ation s cl u s te r a rou nd i t ! H e re
p a t ri a rch s wa te r e d th e i r flocks —h e re Jesus r e st e d a nd t e
fres h e d h i ms e l f I t is j us t at the O p e ni n g o f th e v a ll ey
.

betw ee n Gerizi m a nd Eb a l —it is 9 by 90 ft —an e x c a va .

—
tion i n th e s ol id l i mestone rock it i s h ew n s mooth and
regul a r A n e xcav a tion 1 0 by 1 0 de e p h a s b ee n made
.

abou t the mouth walled up and a rch e d ove r m a kin g a

, ,

v a ul t o r ch ambe r ove r the mouth o f the we l l He r e Ch ri s t .

tal k e d with t he woman ( Joh n i v Th is r e no w ned

p a rc e l o f grou nd w as bought by Ja cob o f the child ren of
H a mor ne a r 80 0 y e a rs before Ch rist for a h u ndred pi e ces ,

o f mone y I t h a s l a t e ly been bought by th e G reeks ( had

.

—
it s v a l ue i ncr ea s e d h a d r ea l es t a t e ad va nced ) a nd they
?

h ave beg u n to make i mp rovemen ts a round i t .

10 3
 MA R K TWA I N
Th i s i s a n i n t e r es tin g s pot J es u s r e s ted h e r e o n h i s
.

j ou rn e y f rom Je ru s al e m to Gal ilee wh ile h i s d isciple s we n t

to the ci ty to buy meat 20 0 0 yea rs have no t ch an ged t h e
.

scene ry a nd th e cu s tom s of th e i nh a bita nts rem ai n t he

—
s ame women wi th wate r pots on thei r h ea ds Th i s well
-
.
,

t hese mou n tai n s yonde r ci ty we re looked u po n by t he

,

S aviou r .

Th e old m an u s cri p t of th e S a ma ri ta n i n t h e s yna go gu e

h e re done up i n the fo r m o f a scroll kept i n a n el eg ant ,

s ilve r case and roll ed i n cloth o f bl ue pu rple and s ca rlet ,

i nte rwov e n w ith th reads of gold The t ra nscri be r s im

.
’

p ri nt i s w rought in o n e po rti on o f th e s crol l i nto t h e text

“
i n th e form of a n ac rosti c a nd r eads W ritte n by Ab is hu a
,

so n of P hin ea s so n of Ele aza r s on of Aa ro n

, , .

B et hel
H ou se of God—s o cal l ed by Jacob—vi s i t ed yearly by
Sa ul Here Jerobo a m set u p h i s idol cal f
. .

I t i s a long lo w ridge cov e red w ith great pile s o f stone

—a bout 3 o r 4 acr e s o f groun d a re cove red w i th ru i n s A
,

fe w mi s erabl e h uts — 20 i n al l —c on s t ructed from frag

.

m ent s of the ru in s con s ti tute the vill a g e .

I n the v a ll e y a l ittl e w est i s a h u g e c i s te rn built of

m ass ive s ton e—o n e s ide i n good p rese rvation the othe r
, , ,

m u c h dil apidated by th e r ava g es of ti me I t s b otto m i s .

now a beauti ful g ras s plot Near by a re 2 s m a l l fou ntai ns

.

of pu re clea r wate r fro m wh i c h thi s g reat ta nk wa s o ri g

i na lly s uppl ied.

Ori g i nally it wa s c alled Luz Ab raham i n h i s fi rs t j ou r

.
,

n ey th roug h the l and bu il t a n al ta r and wor s h iped G od

,
.

On h i s r etu r n fr o m E gypt he c ould n ot forget t he r ich

p as tu re s and thei r refre s hin g s prin gs o f wat e r Ri ch i n .

ca ttl e i n s ilve r a nd gol d he retu r n ed to th is alta r and

, ,

a g ai n called on the n a m e o f t he Lor d Here h is floc ks .

W4
 M A R K TWA I N
of G od a sce n di ng and d esce ndi ng u pon it ! Ab ov e th a t
la dde r h e s a w th e vi s ion o f the Holy One and hea rd a
“
v oi ce : I a m th e Lo rd G od of Ab raham , thy fath e r , and
t he G od of I s aac ; the l and whe rei n thou l ie st to thee wi ll ,

I g ive i t and to thy s eed An d he re the p romi s e wa s

,
”
.

made h i m th at he s hould be kept i n all hi s wa ys and ,

b rou g h t aga i n i n s a fety to th i s l and H e a woke fro m th i s .

“ ”
s trang e v i s ion Su rely s aid he th e Lord i s i n th i s
.
, ,

pl ace a nd I kn ew i t not
,
How d readful i s th i s pl a c e !
.

T hi s is n o ne o th e r bu t the house o f God and th e g ate of

h eaven
f’

Ea rly i n th e morn ing Ja cob ros e up too k a s tone he ,

h ad u s ed for h i s p illow set i t up fo r a memorial an d

—
,

ded icated i t to the Lord and h e ca ll ed th e n ame o f t h a t

,

pl ace B ethel hou s e o f God

—
.
,

Ti me p a ssed o u Jacob retu rn ed with his wi fe c h il ,

d ren s e rvants fl oc ks and h erds A g ai n the Lord appea red

, , .

“
unto hi m : A ri s e g o up to Beth el and m ake th e re a n alta r
,

u nto God A g ai n Jacob and all h i s household d w el t u pon

th i s g rou nd—a g ai n h e bu il t a n alta r and worsh iped God
.

And h e called th e pl a c e El B ethel —G od th e hou s e of

.

So wh en J acob wanted a fa r m h e only h ad to d rea m .

Here Debora h Rebecca s n u r s e died an d they bu ri ed

,
’
,

he r bene a th B e thel u nde r a n o ak ,

.

What a hi s to ry th i s pl ace h a s ! H ow s tran g e to s t a nd

h e re on th e cam pi ng g round s o f th e patri a rch s
- .

Bethel i n Jos h u a s ti me wa s a royal c ity gove r ned by

’
,

a k in g He re S a muel h e l d one of h i s ci rcu i t cou rt s ( w as he

.

a ci r c ui t j udg e ) whe n h e t raveled t he c i rcu it and j udged

?

I s rael The A r k ( of the Co venan t n o t Noa h s ) s ee m s t o

.
,
’

h ave been k e pt he re at one t i me .

I n t he s ep a ration of the ki ngdom a fte r t he death o f ,

So lomon J e roboa m fea ri ng to have the people go U p to

, ,

J e rus al e m to w orsh i p l e s t they s hould go back t o thei r old

,

allegia n ce e s tabl i s hed id o l a tro u

, s wo rs hi p m ade 2 golde n ,

106
 N OT E B OO K
c al ve s set one up i n Dan th e othe r i n Bethel H e r e h e
, ,
.

bu il t a m agn ific ent t e mple a fte r a n Egyptian model in ,

tending to rival the on e at I erw alem Such w as the idol a

.

trous wor s hi p th at th e name w as c han g e d t o B et h avan ,

Hou s e of Idol s .

I t w as at o n e o f th e s e idol atrou s fe s tival s th a t J e ro

boam attempted to l ay hold of th e p rophe t of G od who
r e buked h i s abom i n a ble w orsh ip and hi s a r m wa s p a ra
,

lyzed a nd withe r e d These i niqu ities d rew down the wrath

.

o f God U pon the pl ace ,

and 2 50 0 y e a rs ago the p rop h e t
“
Amo s was i nspi red to s ay : S ee k not Bethel nor ente r ,

i nto Gilg a l for Gilga l s h al l s u r e ly go i nto c a ptivi ty and

,
”
B e thel s h a ll come t o n aught .

Look upon t he s e h e aps of ru i n s thes e b roke n ciste rn s

t hese neglected valley s—ha s t h e p rophecy been fu lfi ll e d ?
, ,

Whose h a nd w riti n g i s he re ?
And with t he same p rop riety you mi g h t poi nt to th e
s ite o f a n y city o f th at d a y and s ay t h e ve ry s ame—o nl y
J e rus a le m and D a m a scu s h ave s u rv ived— a nd e ve n th e
J e ru sale m an d D a m a scus o f th a t d a y a r e desol a te e nough ,

for th e y l i e 30 ft u nd e r the grou nd ! Al l th e oth e r citi e s

.

a re gon e ! Th e re is a good d ea l of h u mb u g a bout p roving

p ropheci es by th is s ort o f evidence .

I t i s e asy to p rove a p rophecy th at p romised d est ruc

tion to a ci ty—and i t i s imp ossible to p rove o n e th a t p rom
ised a n ything e ls e—mor e p a rticul a rly l i fe a nd p rosp e rit y .

I t s e ems to me th a t the p roph e ts fooled a wa y thei r ti m e

w hen they p roph e s i e d the dest ru ct ion o f the ci t ies —o ld
Ti me would h a v e fixed that ea s y enou g h Solomon s Te m
, .
’

pl e w as not to have o n e s tone r esting u pon anoth e r but ,

i n fatu a t e d t r a vel e rs of the p re s ent d ay a re d e termi ned to

b el i e v e i n S pite o f p rophets Hol y W ri t a nd e ve ry t h ing
,

else th a t they h ave fou nd th e fou nd a tions of Solomon s

,
’

doomed t e m ple ! Pos s ibly th ey c a n reconcil e th is w ith th e

p roph ecy by s ayin g i t i s onl y th e g round th e r e th ey h ave
foun d .

107
 MA R K TWA I N
I can go as fa r a s th e n ext m a n in ge n ui n e reve r en c e o f
hol y t hi ngs b ut th i s th i ng of s t retching th e na rrow ga r
,

m en t of bel ief to fit th e b road s houlde rs of a wi s h ti s too ,

’

m u ch for m e .

G ibeo n or El G ib
Thi s pl a ce is s po ken o f i n the Old Te st ame nt a s a g rea t
ci ty— on e of th e royal citi es He re lived t h e peo pl e
“
.

when th e I s rael ite s i nvad ed th e l a nd gathered thei r old ,

ta tte red ga rments an d wo rn o ut s hoe s p a ck e d th e i r sacks ,

with must y b re a d and came w ith t h e i r j aded h ung ry ani

,

m als a nd b e gu iled Jos hu a and the oth ers i nto a treaty o f

pe a ce I t i s a s m al l villa ge now but g reat i n h istori c
.
,

in te res t I n th e pl ai n below t h e 5 kings o f th e Amori tes

.

as sembled t og e th e r to pu ni s h G ib e on Tow a rd G ilgal ea s t .

wa rd Jos hu a a nd h i s hos t e ncamped The A morites a re .

defeated th e day i s not lon g e nough fo r Is rael t o con

,

t in ue th e conq ues t a nd Jos hu a g ive s t h e eve r me morabl e

,
-

“
co m m and : Sun s ta nd t hou sti l l ove r Gibeon a nd t hou
, ,

moon i n the vall e y o f Aj alon An d th e s u n stood s ti ll and

”
.

th e moo n also u ntil I s rael w as aven g ed .

On t h e eas t s ide i s a pool o r s p ring The re i s fi rst a n a t

—
.

u ral cavity or g rotto i n the roc k then a n i nne r ch a mbe r

h a s bee n excavated wh ich i s ente r ed by a long na r row
Ope nin g do w n s eve ral s tep s o f stone H e re a copious fou n
ta i n gus hes a ppa rentl y from t he r oc k—a l ittl e below it o n
.

the hills id e a re the ru i n s of a l a rg e re s e rvoi r It wa s he re .

that a rem a rkabl e mee ti n g t ook p lace bet we en Abn e r a nd

Jo a b—th ey we re gene r al s o f t h e a rm i es o f I s rael and
Judah—1 2 m e n of J uda h we re ch a rg e d to fi g ht 1 2 m e n of
“
I s rael The whole 24 we re s l ai n For t h ey c aught eve ry
. .

one h is fe l lo w by the head ( go t hi m i n C ha nc e ry ) and

th ru s t hi s s w ord i n h i s fel lo w s s ide so t h a t they f el l dow n
’
,
”
tog et he r A nd o n that pl a i n the s ub s e q uent battle took
.

pl ace Ab ne r w as de fea ted a n d t he s wi ft foot ed Usah el

.
-

s lai n .

108
 MARK TWA I N
Eli s h a an d h ad to dec a mp W e a re th e cro wd so fa r t hat
h a ve gon e t o thes e lo c a li ti es u nmol es ted—we ren t wo rth
.
, , ,
’

robb in g maybe
,
.

Cu rs e th ei r a ccu rs ed ca rel ess n es s to leave th at deadl i g ht

O pen ; s poil ed the cu s hion s and eve ryth i n g—all t h e ci g a rs
in th e wate r a n d toba cc o I t neve r s ee ms to occu r to t he m
.

t h a t o u rs is t h e w ea th e r s ide o f the s hi p s om et i m es !
,

“0
 CHA PTER X

Eg y p t an d H om e

M an x Tw a m s E gypti an notes we re few an d ’

b ri e f Th e shi p r e m a ined less th a n a w e e k at

.

Al e x a nd ri a w h ich g a ve th e m h a rdly mor e th a n

,

e nough ti me fo r Cai ro with t he Sph i nx and ,

P y r a m ids .

Oct 3 L a nded a t Alexa nd ri a Fi ne str eets and dwell

. . .

ings Fi ne s h a d e t ree a enues - v

Oct 4 To C a i ro by rail —7 hou rs—a rrived afte r nigh t

. .

. . .
,

. . i —
Oct 5 Donke y s to Pyra m ds of G h izeh pas s ed old
C a i ro I s l an d o f R hod e s
,
.

Crossed th e N il e from old Cai ro to Gh iz e h Spl e ndi d .

a tmosph e re B eauti ful Orienta l s cenery Naked g i rl s in th e

. .

str ee ts .

Asc e nt o f Pyr a mi d of Cheop s .

The Sph i nx .

Went into th e P y r a mi d .

N ew l y open e d tomb b e hind the Sph i nx .

The a te r of old r e d granit e open ne a r i t

The w hol e pl a ce round about is rich i n a rt —un de r t h e
.

sand .

D r Gibson at th e Sph i nx
. .

Cit a d e l a nd lofty wa ll w h e re t h e l a st Ma meluke B ey

j umped do wn .

Vi e w o f C a i ro a nd M e mph is .

H e l iopol i s a nd th e pet rifi e d forest .

P roj e cti ng l a t ti ces .

Sh ep h ea rd s in famou s hot e l
’
.

I I I
 MARK TWA IN
S plendid a v enue of s yca mores an d aca ci a s 3 o r 4 miles ,

to th e Pash a s gre a t ga rden ’

Oct 7 Retu rned to Alex and ri a—Py ra mi ds i n the di s

.

. .

ta n c e
Cul ti vation —vast oce an s of corn etc
.

Quee r vill a ges .

So ft scene ry .

No more than th a t ye t th e E gy p ti a n c hap te r ,

with it s lofty p ros e poe m of th e Sph i n x begi n ,

“
n ing Afte r yea rs of waiti n g it w as before me a t
,

l a st i s p robabl y th e h i g h s pot o f hi s b ook Th a t

,
”
.

“
an d t he one of Pales t i ne be g i n ning : P a l esti ne ,
”
s its i n s ackcloth and ashe s Reade r s who h ave .

been wont to th ink o f Mark Twai n c hiefly as a

funmake r wil l do wel l t o t u r n t o Chapte rs
LVI a nd LVI I I of The I n nocent s and con
s id e r thos e pa rt i cu l a r extra ct s .

Afte r E gypt th e notebook co n ta i ns j ust five

i te m s .

Oct 7 Le ft Dan and s ailed for Africa

. .
,
.

Oct 1 1 At s ea s omewhe re i n th e neighbo rh ood

. .

M a lta Ve ry s tormy
. .

Te r ri ble deat h to be tal ked to death .

The s torm ha s blown 2 s m all l and b i rds a nd a h awk

s ea a nd the y c a me o n bo a rd .

Sea full of flyi n g fi s h .

Th a t i s all Th e s h i p put i n a t G ib r al t a r for

.

coal a nd with th ree o t he r s Ma r k Twa i n s pe nt a

,
“
d e l ightful week t h rou g h Andal u s i a the g a rde n ,

B ut he did not t ry to write about

”
o f o ld Spai n .

it Ho w c ould he ? A fte r Pales tin e a n d Egypt

.
,

e v e n Andal usia m u s t have been tame e nough

res tful but tep id H i s book r eally en d s wi th the
, .

112
 M A R K TWA I N
H e wen t to Wa s h in gt on os ten s ibly as S ecre ,

ta ry to Se nator Ste w a rt re a lly to w r ite Wa s h ,

in gt o n l e tte r s fo r N ew Y o r k pape rs Hi s next .

n otebook be g i ns :
F a m e is a va po r ; popul a ri ty a n a ccident ; the onl y
ea rthl y c e rta i nty is obl ivi on .

D i dn t d ri n k mu c h on th at s hi p—w as like Congre ss

’

p roh ibit i t s ave i n comm ittee room s—c a r ry i t i n demi

j oh n s a n d c a rry it out i n dema g og u es .

—
A c quai n ted wi th General G rant s aid I w as gl ad to see

h im - h e s ai d I h ad th e advanta g e o f hi m .

B rie f I m pressio ns of Was h i n gt o n , Senat ors

and Co ng ress m en

W a s hb urn o f —g ray u n s h aved fl e s hy a l i ttl e

IIl.
, , .

— —
Fe rn a n do Wood i ron gr ay h ai r wh i t e m ou s ta c he
- .

J as . B rooks —g ray and S pe ct a cl es .

Woodwa rd ( Dem ) of Pa —bald s pe cs un s h aved

. .
, ,
.

Eld rid g e of Wi s —leadi n g and m ali g nant coppe rhead

. .

Al i s o n o f I o wa—ack coa t l i g ht bl ue pan ts—look s l ike

s -
,
-

a vi ll a g e l aw st udent—play s for hand s ome look s—3 0

h ands i n poc kets—ex c e ss ivel y ordi na ry looking m a n -

l a rge fl a t foot—l i g h t hand s ome b ro w n h a i r—youngest

— —
l ooki n g m embe r e ss entially o r na m ental s tand s a rou n d
whe r e w om e n c a n s ee h i m .

John B u c kl and ( O ) —l a rge bald neve r s ays anyt h i ng

—clot h es un g a inly on h i s s h a pel e ss body
.
,

Thad . S teve ns—ve ry deep eyes , s unken u ns hav en

1 14
 Logan —bl ack eyeb ro ws —lon g black i mpl a c abl e
str a ight h a i r withou t a m e rci ful cu rve i n it —b ig bl a ck
moustache—ple a sant looki n g e ye often—ev e n make s bad
,

jok e s s ometi mes but tig e r s pl ay i n a pond e rous so rt of

—
,

w ay Spl e ndid w ar rec ord 1 5 t h a rmy corps and A rm y

o f Ten n —1 o f She r man s g ene r al s —bette r s uited t o w ar
.

’
.

th an maki n g j oke s .

M
d —bel on gs t o anothe r a g e—Whi g—o ld
—
Thoma s of .

— —
style he rm i t i n eve ry w a y wom a n hate r l ives up i n -

mou ntai n s alone i n N W Ma ryl a nd—o n e of the oldest

—
. .

— —
R e ps i s a r a dical w hite h a i r l a id i n folds h ai r come s
.

w a s hing fo rw a rd ove r h is forehead i n 2 white c o n ver gi n g

waves ove r a b a re wo rn rock .

J ud g e Sh e ll aba rge r—able .

B ingh am Oh i o —ne rvous s eve re an d ready deba t e r

, , .

— —
G a rfi eld you ng abl e and s chol arly w as ch ie f of
Ros e ncranz st a ff—p r e ache r
,

Ca rey o f Oh io ( 8 hou r ) wit ty s peech—l a rge face—a

— —
l ittl e ful l I ndi a n long i ron gray hai r tun e d back a nd -

not p a rt e d h ea vy l a rge po rtl y man sh a v e n—long

— —
thi n st rong mouth—s lo w o f mov e ment— pond e rous eve ry
, , ,

wa y— his s trong su it h i s pe rs istenc e no doubt , .

B i ngh a m Con n —eloq u e nt —comm a nds attenti on o f

,
.

Hous e s il ky ve ry l ight h a i r j ust touch e d w ith gr a y

-
,

—
ki nky or r a th e r cu r y tu rn e d b a ck loos e l y so a s to s ug
v

g est appa re ntly wi t h a ba rrow—l a rg e hi g h b road fore

, , , ,

1 15
 M A R K TWA I N
hea d s l i g h tl y wrin kl ed—l i ttle gr ay s ide whi s ke rs—
, eyes
th at h ave a d ra w n appea rance of havi ng bee n s trained to
t h e focus of gl a s s e s —a s h a rp beak o f a nos e—c hews ne rv

o usly a nd when g et s fagged out pokin g a rou nd s i t s down

—is ge nerally a roun d el s ewhe re th an in h i s s eat
, ,

H orace Mayna rd Te nn —o n e o f pu res t me n in C o n

gre ss—U n ion from fi rs t —ve ry g entl ema nly talented and
,

fi ne s peak e r Rema rkable looki ng m an—ve ry t a ll and

,

ve ry sl i m—long bl ack h ai r combed flat a nd b e hi nd e a r s

.

,
“
gi v es h i m a tri m s h re wd cl ea r e d fo r acti on old sty l e
, ,
”
-

look I ndi an Plea s a nt look i n fa c e Ve ry l ittle bl ack

. . .

mous ta ch e .

—
Joh n D B a ld w i n ( of M as s ) P rop Worceste r Spy
u nblem is hed ch a r a cte r—o n e o f the b e s t read men —ve ry
. . .

la rge—s pecs g ol d—l ight gray hai r— d a rk go atee and

moustache—patri a rch a l look .

Be n Bu tle r—fo rw a rd pa rt o f h i s b al d s kull l oo k s r ai s ed

l ike a wa te r bl i s te r— its bou nda ri es at the side s and at it s
-

ba s e i n front i s m a rked by deep crea s e s — fat faC H m all

da rk mou s tach e—c ons iderable h ai r beh ind and o n the
s ide s—o n e rel i abl e eye I s s ho rt a nd pu r s y—fond o f
.

stand ing up w ith hands in pants pocket s a nd looki n g

a rou nd to each s peake r with th e ai r of a man who ha s
h a l f a m i nd to c rus h t he m and ye t i s r athe r too indifl e r
e nt B utle r i s di s mall y and d rea rily homel y and when he
.
,

s mile s i t i s l ike the b reaki n g up of a h a rd wi n te r .

Robi n s on B rookly n —h ai r ki nky t h ick p retty l o ng

t n odd s tri pe s of ri c h b rown a n d s ilve r—
, , ,

g l os sy .

On e w i s he s th es e note s m igh t c onti n u e

th um b— nail s ket c h es —vivid l ik e ne s se s They .

b r ea k 0 6 s h ort Com pl i ca ti ons ove r t he Alta let

.

1 16
 CHA PTE R XI

N ot es S an F ran c is co to N ew Y ork

-
Lea r San F ran for N Y i n . . . P . MS S. . . Co .
’
s Steame r ,

Mo n ta n a J uly
, 6, 1 868 .

J ul y 1 3 A rri ved at Acapulco

. .

O n l y 1 50 pa ss enge rs on board .

Mon ta n a fi n e s hi p —s tateroom ou g h t to h ave craft ove r

be rt h s
.

I n A s pi nwa ll all i t i s n ec ess a ry t o do i s to cry Vi va

,

Revol u c ion ! at head of s treet and i nstantly i t i s i n co m

,

motion D oo r s s l a m to 50 s oldie r s ma rch fo rt h and cri p

.
,

ple h al f a doze n n i gg e rs i n th ei r s hi rt tail s a new P r es i -

,

dent i s el evated and the n for 6 month s ( ti ll next r ev )

, .

the p ro ud a n d h appy s u rvivor s i nqui re ea g erly of n ew

co mer s wha t wa s s aid abo u t i t i n A m e ri ca a nd Eu rope .

T ri p of a m a n i n a balloo n fro m Pa ri s ove r I n di a ,

Ch i n a, Pa c ifi c Oc ea n the pl ai n s to a p rai rie i n I lli n o i s

, .

Th i s wa s a p rel i mi na ry memorandu m of a
s to ry he had i n m ind to write Some p a ges fa r .

th e r alon g th e s to ry is b e gun but by the ti me he ,

wa s well s ta rted he lea rned that J ule s Verne had

publ i s hed a s to ry with a s i mila r idea whi ch
b rought hi s own t o a s udde n end Hi s fi n al .

m e m orandu m r ead s :
“
W hi l e t hi s was be i ng w ri tt e n, J ul es Ve rn e s ’
F i ve
1 18
Week s i n a Balloon ca me out and co n s eq uen tl y t h i s
s ketch was n t fin i s hed ’
.

I t se e ms t oo h ad now th a t it shoul d h ave bee n

d ropp e d I ts resembla nce to Ve rne s t al e w ould
.
’

p robabl y n o t have been s t riking a nd the inte re st ,

and atmos phere o f the begin ning m a kes us wis h

to see mor e .

The re a de r may cons ide r a fe w pa ragraph s

J oh n L Morg a n of Il l a fa rm e r a nd a ma n of g ood
. .
,

reput a tion told me the follow ing a fe w w e e ks ago whil e

,

I wa s vis iti n g a t his house I g ive it as he g a ve it to me . .

H e s aid
“
I n Janu a ry 3 wi nters a go w e h ad a h e a vy s now
, ,

storm I t l a sted the be s t pa r t of 3 days and a t th e end

.
,

o f th a t ti m e i t l a y on the g rou nd 1 5 i nches d ee p The .

p r a i ri e i n front of my house as fa r as the e y e could ,

r ea ch wa s a level pl a i n o f s no w The ro a ds we re cov e red

, .

U p Th e r e w as no s ign o f hoof o r t r a ck o r ro a d About

. .

noon 2 d ay s a fte r the s no w h a d ce a sed f a ll i ng I wa lk e d ,

o ut ,
i ntending to g o to a g ro v e o f l a rge ti mb e r w hich
stood a sol it a ry l a ndm a rk o n the p r a i rie s ome 40 0 o r 50 0
, ,

ya rds from m y hous e Wh e n I h a d p roc ee d e d h a l f wa y I

.
,

s uddenl y came Upon a man lyin g o n the s no w He w as .

i nsen s ible Th e s no w was b rok e n as i f he h ad f a l len the re

.

and th en rolled ove r once He h ad o n h ea vy b rog a n shoes

.
,

s ome w h a t w o rn a so rt of g ray stri ped knit n ightcap on

, ,

h i s h ea d a nd wore a sh i rt and pantaloon s o f grayis h

,

s t ri ped stu ff He did not look l ike a n A m e ric a n He

. .

seemed to be a n i nval id for h e w as v e ry much em a ci ated

,
.

Th is i s a ru n away scrape I thought H e w as t oo wea k to

,
.

hold h i s hor s e and h a s b ee n th ro w n from a wa gon or from

a saddl e I knel t do w n and pl a ced my h a nd on his he a rt
.

to see i f it we re s till beatin g and ve ry n a tu rall y gl a nced ,

a ro u n d h alf expe cti n g my eye t o fall upon th e h ors e or

,

1 19
 MARK TWA IN
t h e wa go n bu t neithe r w as i n s igh t Hi s body wa s wa rm
, .

and h is h ea rt still th robb ed f a intl y .

“
I ros e Up to ru n for a sistance when a n od d ci rcu m
s
,

s ta n ce att r a ct e d my attention : h e could not have l ai n

th ere th e l as t t wo cold day s and n i g ht s i n h i s feebl e con
—
,

di ti on w thout dyi ng no s now h ad falle n du ri n g t hat

,
i
ti me to obl ite rate t he t racks a nd yet th ere wa s no s i g n o f
wheel hoof or boot a nyw he re a rou nd except my o wn
, ,

cl e a rly m a rked footprint s wi ndin g away to wa rd my

,

hou se ! He re was a l ivi ng man l y i ng o n the s now i n th e

,

ope n p rai rie w ith the s moothn es s of th e s now a round h i m

, ,

tot a ll y u n m a rred except whe re h e h ad tu rned ove r i n i t .

H o w did h e g e t the re wi thout m aki n g a t rack That w a s

?

the q ue s t ion I t wa s a s sta rtl in g as i t wa s u na cco un table

.
”
.

Th e man i s ca rri ed to th e fa rme r s hou s e a nd ’

r es tored to cons ciou s nes s The neighbor s assem

.

ble w ith many s u rmises as to how he ca me the re

—a mon g th e m the s ugge s tion th at h e h ad bee n
b rou g h t th ere by s pi ri ts When th e wai f i s abl e
.

t o s peak they ea g e rl y as s emble t o hea r h is story ,

but then it is fou nd that h e s pe ak s onl y i n a for

eigo tongue The sc hool m a s te r k n o w n to be fa
.
,

m il ia r wi th s ome o f th e mode r n l angua g es wa s ,

s ent for a nd i n due ti me a r rived H e at on ce .

p ronounced t h e m an to be F ren ch .

“ ”
Can you u nde rs ta nd h i m ?
“
Pe rfe c t ly s a id the s chool m a ste r w ho w as n ow l io n
”
, ,

n umb e r t w o .

“
The n a s k h i m how i n th e m is chie f he g o t t he r e whe r e
he wa s i n the s no w ”
.

Th e Fren c h ma n s aid that he would expla in th at ch ee r

fully but h e sa id that the explanation w o uld ne c e ss itate
,

a nother and m a ybe he had bette r beg i n at the be g i nni n g

,

an d tell t h e whol e s to ry and le t th e sc h oo lm aste r trans

,

I 2O
 MARK TWA IN
peopl e g ath ered t ogethe r Th e office r l oc k ed h i s a rm i n
.

mi n e and p r e s s ed th rough th e cro w d to see w hat the mat

te r w as We could s ee a n i m me ns e b a lloon s wa y ing about
.
,

above t h e peopl e s he a ds We elbo w ed ou r w ay th ro u g h

’
.

a nd s tood bes ide the ca r It w a s m a de f a s t to th e g round

.

by a rope A ma n was m aking a l i ttle speech He begged

. .

th e mul ti tude to be pati e nt He s aid h e w as onl y waiti ng

.

a mi nute or t wo for h i s a s sistant to come a nd make a

—
l ine fa s t to s om e th i n g a val ve I thi nk he s aid a nd th en
, ,

he woul d be o ff The b a lloon w as distended w i t h g as and

.

st ruggl ing to g et away A n id e a flashed l ike l igh tn ing

.

th rou g h my b r a i n I tore loose from the gua rd s natched

.
,

the hatchet from h is h a nd th r ew my tools i nto the ca r

, ,

j umped i n a nd cut the anchoring m m with a si ngle st rok e !

“
Wh iz ! I wa s a thous and f ee t i n the ai r i n a n in s tant ”
.

Th a t i s all W e s h a l l n e ve r know th e re s t of
.

th a t story We should l i ke t o, for i t ha s move

.

ment and p oss ibil i ti e s .

I ZZ
 CHAPTE R X I I

A Trip t o B erm uda

Now comes a lon g b reak du ri ng w h ich Mark ,

T wa i n e ith e r kept no not e s o r th ey h ave d is ap

p e a re d
. He wa s s o bus y n o w p e rh a,p s h e h a d ,

l ittle ti m e for note s Follow i ng s ucc e ss o f Th e

.

I n no ce n t s A b ro ad he m a rri e d Ol i v i a Langdon ,

o f Elm i ra N ew York ; took Up residence i n B u f

,

falo w h e re h e had become o n e o f the o w n e r s

,

a nd editors o f th e B uffalo Ex press ; w rote R ough

i ng I t ; l e ctu r e d ; sold O ut i n B u ff a lo and re
mov e d to H a rtford ; wrote ( with Ch a rle s D udley
“
W a rn e r ) Th e G ilded Age ; w rote a pl ay ( Colonel
bas e d o n th a t book ; wrote a nd pub
lis h ed Th e Ad vent u es of To m S aw ye r; b e ga n
r

th e Ad ve n t ures of H uc kleberry F i n n ; bu ilt a

house ; m a de t rips t o London a nd l e ctu red a n
e nti re s e a son the re be s ide s doing a qu a ntit y o f
,

s hort stories a rticles etc the s tory of al l of

, ,
.
,

wh ich h a s be e n els ew he re set dow n 1

.

I t w as not u ntil th e sp ring o f 1 877 a n e w

—
n ot e book begi ns a record o f a t ri p h e made
wi th h i s d ea r H a rtford fri e nd Jos e p h H ,
.

T wi chell a m i niste r who h ad hel ped to m a r ry

,

h i m to Li vy Lan g don s even yea rs before The

”
.

book i s l abeled
Tri p to B erm ud a wit h Twic hell
May 16 Gobbl e d a youth s pl a ce i n th e li n e ’

In Mh
ar —
Tw ai n 1 B iog raph y chapters LXV I I t o CX
, .

1 23
 MAR K TWA I N
( for s eats i n th e di n i n g saloon ) and w as p roud of m y -

m a nly a sse rtion of m y rights W he n he y ielded and l ooked .

so m e ek a nd abashed I f e lt infi nit e l y a s ha med of m y

,

s el f Did not g et th rou g h bl u s h i ng fo r a n hou r

. .

In a B erm ud a B oarding H ous e

Read sel f to s l eep wi th the La di es Book of 44 yea rs
ago — s uch p iec e s a s th e B roke n Vow ( Mr s Norton )
”
.
,
“
The Lone In di an etc They we re a s ad a nd s e nti mental
”
, .

lot i n th os e day s Then I w oke J oe U p wi th my s nor ing

.
,

and h e ca me in a nd a fte r a w orld of r ow a nd t rouble go t

me awake I a pol ogi zed. .

—
D rove alon gs hore o n e ho rs e a nd i ntelli g ent youn g
colored man Th e s eaview always e n c hanti n g—li g h t g r e e n
.

wat e r s tri ped here a nd the re with b rown whe re roc k s

lyi ng nea r s u rface Sa ilbo a t s fl y ing ove r th e ri ppled wate r
.
,

dist a nt gl i mp s es o f b rill i ant gree n wate r th roug h n arrow

g ap s betwee n many l ittl e i s la nd s .

He re and th ere h i s not ebook i s ill u s tra t ed wi th

—
s ketches p al m tr ee bamboo et c , , .

Th e w h itest l ov el ie st c h i m n ey s with s oft s h ade o n t h e

,

s hady s ide They don t look l ik e m arble but s omethin g

’

—
.

white r da i nti e r r i ch e r wh ite s u g a r i s the nea res t to i t

, ,
.

No s ign of mo rta r joi n ts o r any joi nts of any ki nd i n hou s e

o r c h imney—j u s t s o li d s ea ml es s w h ite s uga r ca rved o ut of

a single cak e —th e n th e wi ndows s awed o ut and t h e gr ee n

,

Veneti a n bli nds put on .

The re is a pa i n ful a nd con s ta nt s en s e o f a g rea t unde

fi n ab le la c k he re at l a st i t bu r s t U pon u s what i t wa s
-

T ra m
p s !

Living i s ve ry chea p a nd the re a re potatoes a nd onio ns

for all Nobod y c a n s ta rve Plenty of sc h oo l s —
. e ve ryb ody .

ca n read .

Rent a co tta g e fo r $ 5 a month ; heavy fa r m w o rk wa ge s

114
 MARK TWA IN
fl owe rs and the p i n k ol ea nder is a m igh t p r e tt y th ing
, , .

I n othe r countri es you d kno w th e cotta ge wa s wo r m

’

e a ten a nd rotten —he re you know i t is a s s ou n d a s if

b ra nd new .

Sta rt ed wi th ba s ket of l unch to go yach u ng t um ed -

back to ge t s oft h ats —4 ook a back st reet to avoid pas s ing

a s econd ti me th e negro ma n w ho is b uildin g the fen c e
an d to whom we talked yes te rd a y What m igh t h e thi nk .

though h e s aid nothin g We w ere n ot b ra v e enou g h to

.

h ave h i s s ecret and dep reciato ry thou g h ts abou t us G ot .

the h at s and took anoth e r back s treet .

Could n t g e t a yach t so retu rned home with th e baske t

’

and th i s ti me boldl y pa ss ed th e ne g ro —a rgu in g i n wa rdl y :

,

“
The re h a s bee n ti me e nou g h now for h i m to i ma g i ne we
h ave done t h e thin g we set ou t to do .

Th at i s it You a re a co w a r d when you even s eem t o

.

h ave backed down fro m a thin g you ope nly set out to d o .

Sa w a t ree wholly naked o f l eave s but wi th b r ill i an t ,

—
red flo w e r s o f a s h a pe th a t rathe r more suggest e d a s ta r
th an a nyth ing el se the flowe r s we re wide apa rt so the
t r ee wa s a s ort of constell ation .

Cat po isoni n g ca se whe re c h i c ken s got s ome of th e

-
,

poi s on ( a fte r wa rn i ng ) a nd one w hos e cat g ot some e gg ed ,

on th e negro woma n t o b ri n g s u i t Ma gi s t rate ge ts h al f

the fi nes—d ec ide s agai n s t the cl ient who i s abl es t t o pay
.

the fine Th at s th e di m en s i o n s of the count ry

.
’
.

One ca n t i ma gi ne whe r e the poo r l ive i n thes e h e

’

wit c h in g c otta g es .

We s aid to ou r d rive r r efe r ri n g to a m an i n f ront o f us

, ,
“ ”
Drive ahead of h im .

1 26
 N OT E B OO K
“ ”
H e ll t u rn
’
i n a mi nu t e
out .

I wondered ho w the d rive r kn ew B u t he d id know b e .

,

cause he kn ew the man and w he re h e l ived He knows .

ev e rybody The ma n did tu rn o ut

. .

The hou s e s and roo fs a r e l ike t h e white fr os ti n g or

ici n g on a c ake .

At Sea
Wen t to sea at 4 P M
A doctor aboa rd h as a n i h
. .

fallibl e remedy for seasickne s s —is goi ng from l a dy to

l a dy o n U pp e r deck a dmi niste ri n g i t and s ay ing it neve r
fa il s Th i s a s w e go o ut ov e r a reef
M
. .

7 P . Al l.the l a di es a re s easick and g one to bed ex ,

c ept a Scotchm a n s w i fe ’
.

The Scotchman s wi fe h as caved ’

M
.

8 P . The doctor i s emptying hi ms e l f ove r th e s ide

.

So much fo r i n fa l lible p reventi ves of s e as icknes s .

M a r k T w ai n wen t t o B e r m uda a s h e decl a red ,

l ate r p u r e l y for pleas u re b ut he wrote th ree

, ,
“
a rticl e s a bou t it : R a mbl i n g Note s of a n Idle
Excu rs ion publ ished i n the At lan t ic and tod a y
”
, ,

i n his collected w ork s He alway s lov e d B e rmuda

.
,

a nd du ring h is l a te r ye a rs made fre q uent t rip s

th e re h is fin a l vis i t ending a l itt le more th a n a
,

w e ek before h i s deat h i n 1 9 1 0 .

I ndi a n s at di nne r wi th wh ite s One a t e s poon ful of .

“
must a rd ; a nothe r one s a id : Wh a t c rying about ? ”

“
Th i nki ng abou t the good o ld ch i e f th a t di e d ”
.

—
Nu mbe r t w o ate a s poonful of m usta rd n umbe r on e
asked :
“
Wh a t you c rying about ?”

“
Th i nki n g wh at a pity you didn t die w hen the ol d ’

”
ch ie f did .

Poli ti c a l pa rti es who accuse th e one i n powe r of g ob

1 27
 MA R K TWA I N
bli n g the s poil s et c a re l i ke the w ol f wh o looked in at
.

th e door a nd s aw the s hepherds eati ng mutton a n d s ai d

Oh ce rtai nly i t s al l right as long as it s you—but
,
“ -
’ ’

the re d be hell to pay i f I wa s to do that

’ ”
.

Ad a m w as the au thor o f sin a nd I w i sh he h ad t ak e n

,

out a n i nte rn a tion al copyright o n it F o r i nte rnati on al

.

cop y righ t coul d have w o n then B ut w hen th e re ca me

, .

to be t wo m e n i t w as too l ate because the re w a s one to

, ,

oppos e it a nd ex pe ri ence s how s th at th a t fe llow wo ul d

,

h ave had t h e mos t i nfluence .

“
Th e old ma n s aid : When I th i nk of the sufl ering whi ch
'

I see a round me a nd ho w it wrings my hea rt ; and th en

,

re membe r what a d rop i n th e oc ean th i s i s compa red ,

wi th the mea s u rel ess A tl antics of mi s e ry wh i c h G od h a s

to s ee eve ry da y my res entment i s rous ed a g ai n s t th ose
,

thoughtl es s people who a re so gl ib to g lori fy ye t

neve r h ave a wo r d o f pi ty fo r

1 28
 MA RK TWA I N
H e w a s p repa ri ng a t this ti me to rewrite C ap
t ai n Ned W a ke m an s Vis it t o H eaven bas e d a s
’
, ,

he al w ay s s ai d o n a d rea m told h i m b y Capt

,
.

Wakeman whom he h ad fi rs t met on the shi p

,

on wh ich he s ailed from Sa n F ranci sco to Nica

r agu a i n 1 866 He had met Wakeman ag a i n i n
.

1 868 on the way to San F rancisco

,
and had ,

w ri tten then a rou g h d rau g h t of s tory .

H ave al l s ort s of heaven s —h ave a g a te for each s o r t .

One g ate whe re they receive a ba rke e pe r with a rtille ry

s alutes s w a rm s of angel s i n th e sky and a nobl e torch
,

l ight p roc ess ion H e t hi nk s he i s t h e l ion o f Heaven P ro

. .

ces sion ove r h e d rop s a t on c e into aw ful obscu ri ty bu t

, ,

—
th e roughe s t pa rt of i t i s that h e has to do 3 week s
penance d ay and ni g h t he mu s t ca rry a torch a nd shou t
h i msel f hoa rse to do honor to s ome poo r scru b th a t he
,

wi shes h a d gone to hell .

Wakema n is year s a nd ye a rs i n darkn ess bet w een sol a r

s y s tem s .

Nobl e s y s tem t ruly whe re a man l ike R H Dan a

, ,
. .

c an t be c onfi rmed and whe re a pe r s on l ike Jones whos e

’
, ,

p rope r pl a c e i s shy s te r i n a Tombs cou rt is sent to the ,

U S Senate ; whe re i t i s i m poss ible to re w a rd the mos t

. .

ill u s t riou s a nd fitte st c itize ns with th e p residency .

Look at the l i s t :
Polk Tyle r Pie rce et c a nd al m ost Tild e n w ith the
, , , .
,

s ui t pending for sw i ndl ing th e r evenue H a l f the na tion .

v ot ed for h i m .

Th i s beg ga rl y congre ss o f i gnor an c e and fra ud s The .

ba c k pay g an g o f th ieve s
- .

Con greg a tional s in g in g r emi nd s one of nothi n g bu t th e

de ntal c hai r .

1 30
 N OT E B O O K
A s s u re to do you ulti mate in s ult a nd in j u ry a s a s u ppl i
cati n g s ufl erer whom you have hel ped out o f h is d istre ss .

Th e Con g regational g raveya rd at Wa s h in gton—s tone s

even for ex memb e r s o f Congress bu ried el s e w he re
-
.

Chuckle headed vanity of brief grand e u r ca n no fu rthe r

-

go . Congr e ss man is th e t riv ialest di s ti nction for ful l

gro w n man .

To go ab road h as something o f the s ame s ense th at

de a th b ri ngs I am no long e r of ye—w h a t y e s ay o f me i s
no w o f no cons eq u e nce—but o f h ow much cons eq u e nce
.

whe n I a m w ith ye and of ye I know yo u w il l refrai n

.

from s ay i ng h a rsh th ing s becaus e th ey c a n t h u rt m e ’

,

s inc e I a m o ut o f reach and can not he a r th e m Th is i s .

w h y we s ay no h a r s h th ings o f the de a d .

Going ab road w e let Up on the wei g ht and w e a r and

r e sponsibil it y o f housekeeping—w e go and boa rd w ith
s om e bod y w ho i s s u ffe ring it but it t roubl e s us n ot Here
, .

we a re hel pi ng the n at ion k e ep h ous e w e go a b ro a d a nd

h

’
—
become a noth e r n ation s g u e sts w e don t h a ve to feel ’

a n y r e spons ibil i ty a bout h is hous e k e eping n o r abou? o ur ,

n a tion s that we ve l e ft beh i nd So to go ab ro a d is the

’ ’
.
,

true r e st—yo u c ea se wholly to keep house then both , ,

n a tion a l a nd dom e stic .

Ho w i nsignific a nt a S e n a tor o r a n M C i s i n N Y . . . .

a nd ho w gr ea t a pe rson a ge he i s i n W a s hi ngton !
We s hould h a ve a much b e tte r sort o f l e gisl a tion i f w e
h a d th e se s w oll e n cou nt ry j a kes i n N Y a s thei r c a pital
. . .

Congr e ss o ug h t to s it i n a bi g city .

I rem e mb e r ho w tho se pi g m y Congress men used to

come into the A rl ington b re a k fa st room w ith a bu ndl e of
—
pa pe r s a nd lett e r s you could see by th e i r a ff ecti on for
it a n d th ei r del i g ht in thi s s o rt of di s pl ay th at out in t he
131
 MA R K TWA I N
woods whe re th ey cam e f rom th ey we ren t u s ed t o mu ch ’

mail matt e r .

The y a l w a ys occ u pi ed th ei r seats at t a ble a level hou r

a ft e r b re a kfast to b e look ed at though th ey wore a w e a k
, ,

pr e t e ns e of s ettl i ng th e a ff ai rs of empi res ove r th ei r mai l

,

-contr a ct ing b rows etc .

,

How N Y would squeeze th e con cei t out of thos e

. .

poo r l itt l e Congress men .

There s a ehe rk and n a tty s omethi n g abo u t N Y

’
. .

dres s and ca r ri a g e m ale an d fem al e wh ich c a n t be i mi ’

t a t ed by the ou t s ide r O n a railway s tea mboat or el s e

.
,

whe re th e re ca n al way s be a que s tion as to whe re a

l ady o r g e ntlema n h ail s from u n l es s from N Y —th e n
,
. .

t he re is no q u es t ion Ge t ti ng you r mill ine ry made b y t h e

m ill i ne r doe s n t hel p —y ou ca n t fool a nybody
.

’ ’

you re a provi nci al in disgui s e a nd an y b lin d m a n

’

It .

1 32
 MA R K TWA IN
Ap ril Th ree days of h eavy sea now a nd th e ab ove
20 t h .

is m y fi rs t att e mpt to g et an afte rn oon nap .

I t i s a m a rvel t h at n eve r l os es its s urp ri s e by r epeti ti on ,

thi s aim in g a s hi p at a ma rk 30 0 0 m ile s a w ay a nd h itti ng

’
- —
the bul l s e y e i n a fog a s w e did When the fog fell on .

us the ca ptai n s aid we ou g h t t o be at s uch and s u c h a

s pot ( it had been 1 8 hou r s s i nce a n obse rvation wa s
taken ) with t h e Sc il ly I sl and s bea ring so and so and ,

a bout so many mile s away Hove the lead a nd got 48

f a thom s —looked on t h e cha rt and s u re enough th i s depth
.

of wate r s ho w ed that we were ri g ht whe re the captai n

s aid w e w e re Anothe r idea Fo r a g e s man p robabl y did
. .

not know w h y God ca rpeted th e oc ean bottom wi t h s and

i n one pl a ce sh e lls i n a nothe r etc B ut w e s ee now ; th e
,
.
,

ki nd of bott om th e le a d b ri n gs up s hows wh e re a s hi p
i s w hen the s o un di n gs don t—and al so i t con fi rm s th e ’

sou ndin gs .

Lyi n g s tory b ooks w h ich mak e boys f a ll i n love w ith

t he se a Capt B randt s expe rience a nd that of youn g
. .
’

Coope r i n t he Engl is h pape r and a m ill ion othe r i nstan c e s

s ho w 2 th ings ( D a n a s a nd th at o f the young Canadia n
’

o f t h e Astor expedition ) — th at a com mon sa ilor s l i fe i s ’

ofte n a hell and th at the re a re p robably more b rute s i n

,

c o m mand of l ittl e s h ip s than i n a ny o the r occ upatio n

o f li fe
.

H a m b urg
Ch urc h S t N i c hol a i v e ry beauti ful openwork s to n e
.
,

s pi re ( s aid to b e next highe s t i n the world ) s et U pon a

hug e b ri c k edifi c e One acc ou nt s ays th i s s pi re i s the h igh
.

es t in the world W e ll no matte r the ch u rch c a n cl ai m

.
, ,

o n e pree m inen ce I t hi nk whi c h c a nnot s u cc essful ly be

di s put ed —that t he i n s ide of it i s the di s male s t ba rrenes t , ,

ug li es t ba rn that exi s ts i n the boundle s s u nive r s e of God .

1 34
 NOT E B OO K
20 0 peo ple p r e sent ( forenoon ) commone r s o f the com
mone t s not a g e ntleman o r l a dy—w hat they s eem to need
,

at St N is mor e con g re g ation and not quite so much

. .

s teepl e .

The G erm a n S t o ve
“
Wh o is bu ri ed he re ? ”

“
Nobod y .
”

“
Then w hy the monu ment ? ”

“
I t is n ot a monu ment I t is a s tove . .

We h a d r eve r e ntly removed o ur hats We n ow p ut .

—
th e m o n ag a i n Stove 8 ft high fem a l e bust i n a ci rcle
. .

i n th e s ide mid wa y—3 V ft by 2 % —ve ry orn a ment a l z .

,

a rou nd th e t o p .

Huge pa rlor and bedroom Silk q u ilts and t op b e d s . .

Pa rlor v a st— loo ks o ut on gr e at p a v e d S p a ce before th e

.

s tat e l y r a i lro a d S tation T w o r e d s il k sofas ; 4 t a bles ;

.

wri ti n g d e sk ; 1 2 chai rs Pol ish e d floo r w ith ru g s

. .

Th ree l a rge windo w s ; 2 l a rg e m i rrors ; 2 candel abra

wi t h 3 c a nd le s ea ch ag a i nst the w all s ; 2 w i th 4 e a ch b e
fore the m i r rors .

I n E u rope they use s afety m atches and th e n ent rust

c a ndl e s to d ru nk e n m e n ch ildren idiots e tc a nd y et , , ,
.
,

s ufl e r l ittl e from fi r e s app a r e ntly The id ea o f a n Ope n

,
.

l ight i n one o f o ur hous e s m a kes us s hudd e r .

H ea rd cuckoo i n w oods a t W M a y 2 H e in rich s a id . .

How long S h a ll I l i ve ? Th e cuckoo we nt o n cuckooing

”

for the next 2 0 m i nut e s —w he r e fore H i s a M e thus e l ah .

,

e a ch yel l m ea ning a y ea r Fi rst cuckoo I e ve r h ea rd o ut.

s id e of a clock W a s s u rp ris e d h o w clos e l y it i m it a ted t h e

clock—a nd ye t of cou rs e it could n eve r h a ve hea rd a
.

clock Th e h at efules t thi ng i n the w orl d is a cuckoo clock

. .

Ge rman cl e a nlin e ss re a ch e s a n al titude to w h ich we

m ay not aSpire Thes e pea s ants a re as cl ea nl y i n thei r
.

I 3S
 MA RK TWA I N
h ou s es a s th e Y a n kee of rom a n c e a nd m o re clea n l y t h a n
,

th e r e al ity .

Even i n th e na rrow crooked l anes of the ol d p a rts of

the ci ties w he re the poo r d w ell the ch i l d ren a re n ea t an d
—
,

clean much white s t oc ki n gs on th e l ittl e gi rl s .

Leg end th at Ch a rlemagne a rrived at the Mai n wi t h h i s

a rmy ch a s ing the S axon s o r ch ased by them e a rly i n -

t he morn i ng fog and could not see w ell —s aw a dee r

, ,

—
t aki ng he r y oung along j ud g ed s h e woul d seek a ford
So she did—C c ros s ed th e re and resol v ed to build a city
, .

wh ich h e na m e d th e ford of the F r a nk y —

.

F rankfo rt
the re s a n old b rid g e th e re w i th C s S tatue on i t
’ ’
.

I n F rankfo rt hotel chandel ie r with 9 bu rne r s but you

,

h ad to l i g h t 8 of th em i n orde r to s ee the oth e r 1 B ad .

g a s ha s no na tional ity .

Stud e nts i n Gott i ngen with d read full y sc a rred face s .

H ere you c a n t tel l whether a m a n i s a F r a nco P rus s ian

’
-

wa r he ro o r me rel y ha s a u nive r s ity education .

S treet c a r condu ctor wea r s b right ne w u n i form a nd is

-

as pol ite as — but the re is nobody at hom e to compa r e

h i s pol iten e s s w ith —and pol itene ss costs so l ittl e Ou r .

n a t ional i m pol iteness i s not natu ral but acqu i red I t w ould .

be a c u ri o u s s tudy how and from w hom we a c q ui red i t

,
.

Th e bank i n Hambu rg was U p a st a ble ya rd appa ren tl y ,

.

I f ou r s we r e as mode s t th ey woul dn t fa il so ofte n

’

, ,

m aybe .

Bought g ood c i g a r for 2c thou g h my friend s s ay I

,

don t know a good ci ga r whe n I se e one

’
.

The lo w e r-c l a s s women howeve r ni c ely d r e ss ed wea r

, ,

not h i ng on t h e h ead in th i s h ot s u ns hi n e .

1 36
 MA R K TWA I N
Stude nts s e n d 2 to Be r lin a n d 2 com e he re f rom B e rli n ,

t o figh t
Thi s mo rn in g Ma r 1 7 8 co upl es fou g ht—2 S pect ato rs
.

.
,

fai nted One student h ad a piec e of hi s s cal p taken The

. .

oth er s face s so gas h ed U p and fl oo r all c ove red with

’

blood Th ey onl y wea r p rotecti n g spectacle s

. .

M r Pf a ff h a d a 6-i n c h p i ece of s word th at h ad been

.

b roke n i n the figh t I t w as t w o ed g ed a nd w onderq y

.

whetted U p and sh a rp
—
.

They fight t w ice a wee k in a Wi r ts ch aft up a li tt le

roa d op pos ite hotel on the othe r s ide of rive r
, .

Told 2 Ge rm an g en tlemen the way to th e Wolfsb runen

i n el a bo rate Ge rm a n —o ne put up h i s hands and s ole mnly
,

“
s a id Gott im Hi mmel
,
”
.

D reamed all bad foreign e rs we nt t o Ge rm a n heave n ,

couldn t s peak the l a ngu ag e a n d wi s h ed they d gone to

’
,
’

t he o t he r pl ace .

To make a Ge r ma n s entence c omplete and beau t i ful

“ ”
you h ave onl y to add : Wollen h aben s olle n we rden ,

a fte r you h ave g ot th rou g h with what you wanted to s ay .

May 2 4 , ,
—
theate r Man nhei m Ki n g Lea r pe rfo rm an ce
.

bega n at 6 s ha rp Neve r u nde rstood a w ord —by a nd by

.

a te rrific a nd pe rfe c tl y natu r al peal o f thu nd er a nd vivid

“
l i g htni ng G s aid Tha nk heaven it thu nd e r s i n E n g li s h
. . .

a nyw ay A fte r w a rd s at home s aid Sat th ree hou r s

”
.
, , ,

n eve r u nde r s t ood a word but th e th unde r a nd l igh t n i ng

May 2 5 Not a s ta r tonight—c o n s e q u e ntly the di s p l ay

.

of li g h ts i s pa rticul a rly pl e nti ful a nd vivid—

.

s t ro n g refl ec
tion s i n w at e r from the l i g ht s on both brid g es .

A nd the Bah nhof ! What to l iken it to !

But not hi ng i n t he world so ov e rpowe rin gly bea u t i ful
as a t ree i n a n ic e -s torm i n s un a n d gen t l e wi n d It is
, .

wo rt h c ross i n g th ree ocea ns to see .

1 38
 N OT E B O O K
Th e G rand D uch e ss o f B ad e n pa ss ed th rough today
s t reets a nd B ahn hof d e cked w ith bunting and c a nno n ,

fi red She is the E mp e ror s d a ughte r and wa s i n the c a r

.
’

riag e wi t h h i m l ast week when that com mu ni s t fi red

o n hi m .

A coi n sl ee ve button o r a col l a r button d ropped i n a

,
- -

b e d room w ill h ide its e l f a nd be h a rd to fi nd A h an d ker .

chi e f in bed ca n t be fou nd ’

.

A dog is d e r Hu nd ; a w oman i s die F rau a hor s e ”

“
i s d a s Pfe rd ; no w y ou put th a t dog i n th e g e niti ve c a s e
”
,
“
a nd is h e the s a me dog he w a s before No s ir; he i s de s
?
,

Hu ndes ; put h i m i n the dativ e c a s e and w h a t is he

” ?
“
Wh y he is dem Hund Now y ou s n a tch h i m i nto the
,
”
.

“
a ccus a tive c a se and h ow is it w ith h i m Why he is den
?
,

Hund e n B ut su ppose h e h appen e d to be t w i n s a nd you

”
.

—
h ave to pl ur a l ize h i m wh at th e n Why th ey ll s w at th at
?
,
’

twi n dog a round th rough the 4 c a se s u ntil he ll th in k ’

h e s an enti re i nte r n a tion a l dog sho w all i n h is o w n pe r

’
- -

s on .I don t l ik e dogs but I w ouldn t t re at a dog l ike

’
,
’

—
th a t I would n t e v en t r ea t a borro w ed dog th a t w ay
’
.

Well it s j ust the s a me w ith a c a t Th e y st a rt he r i n at

,
’
.

the nom i native s ingul a r i n good health and f a i r to look

U pon and they s wea t h e r th rough a l l t he 4 cas e s a nd the
,

1 6 the s a nd w h en s h e l imps o ut th rough th e a ccus a tive

’

plu ral you wouldn t recogn ize he r for th e s am e being’

.

Y es s ir on c e th e Ge rm a n l angu a ge g ets hol d o f a cat i t s

, ,
’

good bye ca t Tha t s abou t the amou nt of i t

- .
’
.

Ma y 2 8 Bou g h t a co upl e o f gorgeousl y d re ss e d ho rro rs

.

i n c a s tl e m us e u m to S ta rt a po rt ra it g a ll e ry of my auce s
tors wi th P a id for the male p ort r a it and
. for
the l ady Th e g e ntlema n has a most sel f sat isfi ed s mi rk
.
-
,

bu t if he had k n o w n he would be s old t o a ba s e u n ti tled

I 39
 MARK TWA IN
Republ i c a n a hu nd r ed yea rs l at e r fo r 5 w o ul d it h ave
tak en s ome of th e tu ck out of th at s mi rk ?
A n d thi s fai r you n g c reatu re wi th he r l avi s h fi ne ry and
he r hai r i n a d ruggi s t s morta r S hape wi t h a bed of r os es
’

on t op —w hat h a s become o f he r g race s i n th e s e h un dred

yea rs ? Ve ry l ikel y the g al l a n ts p rai s ed th i s pictu re a nd
s aid i t w as des ti ned to g row i n val ue and fame wi t h t h e
ce n tu ry l ike the w orks o f the ol d m a ste rs and b y and ,

b y be w i th i n the pu rse reach o f none but kings and s u c

-

ces s ful b rewe rs A n d now s he g oe s fo r

.

J une 2, te n day s ago a soc i al ist fi red 4 shots at t he

’
8
7 ,
e mpe ror i n B e rl i n wi thout effect He wa s captu red The
, ,
. .

e mpe ror w as d ri v i n g out with h is dau g hte r the G rand ,

Duchess o f B a den .

Tod a y h e w as fi red U po n agai n th i s ti me by a n u nde r ,

offi c e r of th e gove rnment i t wa s s aid Wou nded i n cheek

, .

a nd a rm he los t a good deal o f blood He is so ol d t h e .

s hoc k ma y kil l hi m A crow d rushed a t the house a nd we re

.

rece ived with a shot from the a s sass i n wh ich h it a l a n d

l o r d The a ss a s si n wou nded h im s el f but not fatally
Ju ne 1 0 Em pe ror to l e a v e h i s bed ag a i n —th i s i s won
. .
,

de rful 8 day s a fte r receivi n g s u c h l a c e rati ng wounds in

— —
.

a r m s houlde r a nd s id e wi th bu c ksh ot an d at h i s a g e
,
1
.

The bes t E ngl i s h c ha ra ct e ri s ti c i s i ts pl ucky and pe r

s i s tent and i ndi v idual s tan d i ng U p for it s ri g ht s No othe r .

people appro ac he s Engl and i n thi s ad mi rable t hi s man ,

li es t of all t raits I t m akes eve ry ma n i n the whole natio n

a pol i c ema n —the adm i n i s tration of l a w c a n n eve r go la x
.

wh e re ev e ry i ndividual s ee s to it that i t g ro w s not l ax i n

h is o w n ca s e or i n cas e s which fal l und e r h is ey es
, .

Jun e D r ea med Ros a ( n u rse ) com pla i n ed i n Germ a n

—
19

o f F rii ule in—

.

g oo d fl uent Ge r ma n, l m u l d n ot u n d e r
‘
Willi arn l th en I t ya n o ld
, .

1 4°
 M A R K TWA I N
“ ”
B ut th at is no w h y .

“ ”
M r Al be rt : W hy you r papa w ould l et y o u h ave on e
S u s ie : Y es—b ut we do a s mamm a s ay s
. .
,
“ ”
.

At V e n ic e
Octobe r 1 4 1 878 Th is to all Ame r i c an s and En g l i s h
, .
,

m en w ho h ave read my book s and been made wi s e r and

bette r the reby
I ha rdl y eve r ven tu re to recommend an y body to a
s trang e r lest I do th at st ranger a n u n intentional ha rm
, ,

but i n th is case I do not feel afraid I f you e mploy D itt ura .

Agos ti no you wil l find th at you have done wi s ely and we ll .

Vene ti an oys t e r s t he S ize of bea n s—h al f a doll a r a

doze n—ta s ted 4 doze n .

Clos e to the end of a r ed s ton e ben c h whe re a st rip o f ,

embedded i ron cl a mp s a ne w corne r th e s hape o f a b rick , ,

t o the r es t o f t h e ben c h I discove red a mottl ed s u rface

, ,

pol ished by the l oite rer s of s eve ral centu ries a nothe r ,

a nti q ue one w hich made t he hoa ry mos aic o f St M a rk s ’

but noveltie s born o f ye s te rday—an a ntique w hich wa s

.
,

al ready a n an tique whe n t hese fabl e s pictu red ove r my

—
head we re i nvented an anti q ue w h ich wa s al ready a n
a ntique a h u nd red thousand yea r s o r s o before—it w a s a
fos s il s hel l nea rly as l a rge a s the crown of my h at I t had
,
.

be e n pol i s hed do wn u ntil it wa s o f the a ppea ra nce o f t h e

s ecti on of a pe riwi nkle ( for i ts fo rm wa s a s pi ral ) .

N e w acquai nt a n c es a nd old we re a l w ay s re c
o m m e n d i ng to h i m remedi e s for a il ments and

a c cident s .

Crude p e t rol eu m i s a n i n fall ibl e cure of r heu m a t i sm ,

appl i e d e xte rnal ly .

A m a n d r e adfull y po i so n ed by po ison oak ( po i s on ivy)

was ur g ed to eat the leav es o f i t an d wa s th o ro ug hly
1 42
 N OT E B O O K
cu r e d Si nce then he rubs h is h a nds a nd f a ce o r c at s t he
le aves w i t h i mpun ity—neve r gets poi son e d
.
,

I t is to b e hop e d he did not e m ploy these

r e m e di e s Poss ibl y the crude petrol e u m might
.

h el p h is rh e u m a tis m but e ati ng the l ea ves o f

,

th e poison e d i vy as the w rit e r kno w s b y e x

,

rie c e could onl y have r e sult e d i n his h av ing

p e n ,

a v e ry b a dl y poison e d mouth I t is di ffi cul t t o .

s ay ho w th a t o ld fall acy became cu rr e nt .

Th e Old Maste r s horse s always rea r afte r th e fash ion

’

of k a ng a roos .

About 1 440 45 a Candi a n nam e d St am in at o in the

-
,

s uit e o f a p rinc e o f th e House o f Est e wa s p e rm itt e d to

vi ew th e t r ea su r e col le ction o f St M a rk a nd conce a led .
,

h ims e l f b e hi nd a n a lt a r i n the bod y o f th e c a th e d r a l but ,

w a s disco ve r e d b y a pri e st Then h e e nt e r e d by f a lse k ey s

. .

Aft e r n u m e rous d ifli c ult ies and the l a bor o f m a n y n ights

h e r e mo ve d a block o f th is m a rbl e p a n e l ing w h ich wa ll e d
the lo we r p a rt of the t r ea s u r e Thi s p a n e l h e fi x e d so as
.

to b e r e mov a bl e a t w il l Th e n night a ft e r n ight h e vis ited

.

th is m a gn ificent mi n e i nsp e cted i t a t h is o w n s w e e t pleas

,

ure a nd c a rri e d away j ewe l s a nd gold w ort h

gold e n d uc a ts or ,
s ay a t p r e s e nt val uation

H e ev e n c a r ri e d o fl a u nicorn s horn ( a me r e ’

cu riosit y ) a nd h a d t o s aw i t i n t w o w ith gr ea t patience

a nd d i ffi cul t y I t s ho w s h ow perfectly s e cu re a nd u ndi s
.

t urbed h e wa s He could h ave gone home th e rich e st

.

p ri v ate citize n o f h is cou nt ry and it m i g h t h ave been ,

yea r s before the pl u nde r w as m issed B ut h e could not .

enjoy h is del ight alone So he exacted a solemn oath from

.

a C a ndi a n noblema n n a med C rio n i then took h i m to an ,

obscu re lod gi ng a nd a s tou nded hi s e y es G reat ca rbu n cl e .

( a fte rwa rds on D ucal c a p ) He detect e d a look on C s face

’
.

whi c h excit ed hi s su s picion and wa s about to s li p a s ti letto

,

I 43
 M A R K TWA I N
into h i m when C s aved h imsel f by s ayi n g th e di s pl ay so
a s toni sh ed h i m He excused h imsel f for a moment w ent
.
,

a nd s ho w ed th e ca rbuncle at the pal a ce and d e nounced

t h e cri min a l w ho w as h a nged w i th a gild e d rop e ( he
,

havi ng s uch a fa nc y for gold ) betwee n the col u m ns Al l .

the booty was recovered .

Octobe r 1 7, 1 8 7 8 . Le ft fo r Florence Good bye .

-
D it t uro
A gos tino .

I t i s wonde rfu l h ow m any celeb ra ted men th i s littl e

to w n o f Florence h a s p roduc e d I n niches i n the a rcade s.

of th e Ufft zzi th e y h av e l i fe siz e d statues o f 2 4 o f them

-

2 0 o f the m bei ng n a m e s f a mil ia r to eve ry s choolboy i n

the Ch ri s ti a n world— B uon a r roti Be n ven u to Mach i avell i , , ,

Giotto Dante Petra rc h etc

, , , .

Swel l tu rnou t with 1 2 beauti ful b ay ho rs e s—neve r s aw

an yt hin g l ike th i s outs ide the ci r cu s .

Th a t m os t e nte rt a i ning o f book s B envenuto s I t will ,

’
.

l a s t a s lon g a s h is beauti ful Pe rseu s .

Octobe r 2 3 I n Santa C roce today a well-d ress ed youn g

.

ma n fol lo w ed u s beggi n g fo r ce nti mes

, .

A n old f row s y woma n wat c hed whe re I l aid my ciga r ,

th e n app roached us with i t a s we came o ut a nd s a id s h e

res cued it fro m s ome boy s and want ed five centi mes for
h e r t rouble S he follow e d us i nto the s treet a nd fi nally
.

cu r s ed us a n d c alled dow n s udde n dea th s U pon US .

H al l of Ma r s Pitti Palace N o 92 Titia n po rt r a it o f

A Ma n—hal f len gth d re ss ed i n bla c k r ob e a t rifle of l ac e
.
, , ,

, ,

at n ec k a nd wri s t s s ho rt b rown hai r th in ha nd s ome

, , , ,

m an l y f e atu re s full of cha ra ct e r and fi r m ness ; bl ue ey e s

, ,

ov al fa ce th i n hai r m aki n g fen ce a round u ppe r l i p a nd

,

1 44
 MARK TWA I N
Novembe r 5 Spent all day i n Vedde r s lofty s tudio
.
’
,

and t h e e v e ni ng wi th h i m and anothe r a rtist S pi n n i n g

ya rn s and d rinking be e r i n a q ui et s aloo n B i g row in th e .

s tree t but no bloods hed .

V i s ited the C a t a comb s One mu mmy ( s hapele ss ) a nd

.

one slend e r young gi rl s long hai r and deca y i ng bones

’

both i n stone coffi n s an d bot h between 1 50 0 a nd 1 60 0

yea rs old .

Th e greatest ch arm we h ave fou nd i n Eu rope by all

odd s i s the ope n fi repl ace s i n Florence and Rome .

Of all cou nt ries Ame ri c a i s the most co m fortable Pal ace .

ca r s with w ate r food l iquor s f ru i t a ttend a nce wat e r

, , , , ,

clos et s S pace to wal k abou t h ea ti n g appa ratus a nd a

, , ,

s eat s ecu red be foreha nd of which no on e c a n dep rive you .

Plenty of t rai ns rea s onabl y fa s t on great t runk l ines

, ,

s l ee pin g ca r s a nd not obl i ged to S ta rt o r a rrive at horrid

-

hou rs of the n ight Cle a n clo s e ts i n hotel s—ra re i n Ge r

.

m any S w i tze rl and a nd I taly Th ey s e rve a di nne r bette r

, .

i n Eu rope and out s ide the g rea t citie s they c ook i t

,

i nfin itely bette r th an i n ou r mi no r ci t i es Th ei r s e rvant s .

a re po l ite r and fa r more effi cient th an ou rs They do not .

kno w w h at co fl ee i s —nor c rea m The forme r is the c ase

with all Eu ropea n hotels without exception —but i n ou rs
.

one fi nd s som eth in g whi c h a t lea st va g u ely r e s e m bles

crea m .

All of whi c h o f co u rs e wa s w r i tt e n a ve ry l ong

ti me ago France and Engla nd today h ave s ome
.

of the fin es t tr ai ns i n th e world and F ren c h ,

hot e l s e s pe c i ally have m ade g reat forwa rd

strid es i n mode rn c onveniences s ometi m es to ,

the da ma g e of thei r pi ct u r es quen ess a nd c ha rm .

1 46
 N OT E B O O K
Eu ropean co fl ee ho w eve r s till leave s som eth i ng
'

, ,

t o be de s i red .

Novembe r Left a t
1 3, fo r B ol ogn a a n d
1 87 8 .
,

t ried be ing cou ri e r for the fi r s t t i me Leave the omnibu s .

d rive r a franc to b ring the conductor o f the t r a i n out

th e r e to m e M a de hi m u nde rstand I wanted a fi rSt — cla ss
—
.

comp a rtm e nt to m y sel f and had five i n my pa rty for

futu re c a s h Al l right Omnibus d river al so took my lug
. .
-

g a g e i nto wa iting room and b rought th e ticket t a ke r to me

-
.

Gave h i m t w o fr a ncs a nd he flew a rou nd w ith m a ny w i nk s

a nd brough t th e conducto r a g ai n and both wi nked th a t
all w as right Th e form e r took my fiv e th rough tickets a nd
.

s e nt a f a t po rte r to get th e m vis ed Th e n allo wed o ur .

t ribe to pass th rough t o the t rai n w ithout tick e ts Fou nd .

th e conductor right outs ide on the qu iviv e who h e l p e d me ,

c a r ry m y l ugg a ge pu t us i nto a comp a rt m e nt and f a sten e d

,

th e doo r P r e s e ntl y th e fat porte r came with m y tickets

.

a nd I g av e h im a fr a nc Th e conductor al lowe d nobody .

to look i n a l l th e w ay—not even a ticket pu nche r H a d a .

m ight y smoot h trip o f it Gave th e c onductor fi ve fr a ncs . .

Tot a l cost ni n e francs I f I h a d had a cou ri e r I s hould h ave

.

h a d to t a ke c a re o f h i m pay h i m t en francs wa g e s a nd ,

t we l ve francs f a re .

From Rom e t o Flor e nce I paid th e conductor five francs

and h a d a he a p o f a tt e ntion Once h e kept th e t r a i n wa it .

ing for m e at a st a tion .

Am a sh in in g s ucce ss a s a courie r so fa r by th e US e , ,

of fran cs .

Mu i h n c ,
D ecem ber 20 , 1 8 78
Toda y by tel e gra ph i n the pape r s come s th e sad n ew s
of B aya rd Taylor s d ea th y este rd a y afte rnoon i n Be rl in
’
,

from d rop s y I w rot e h i m th ree o r fou r d a ys a go con

.
,

g ratula ti n g h i m on hi s recove ry He w as a ve ry lovabl e .

man .

I 47
 D ec e m be r 2 1 O n scores of str ee t corn e rs i n th e sn ow
.

a re groves of Ch ri s tma s t rees for s al e an d th e toy and

oth e r s hop s a re c rowded a nd d rivin g a t remendou s t rade
, .

Readi n g Ge rm an books S ho w s i n what a n a r row groove

—
of voc a bula ry author s t ravel th e y us e th e s ame w ord s
all the ti m e Read a boo k of one and you ca n fl uentl y
.

read hi s othe rs Take U p a book by a noth e r author and

.

you h a ve got t o go fo r t h e d icti ona ry His v ocab ula ry .

i s al l difl eren t
'

C h ris t m as i n G erm a ny
I n the w eek a p rod i giou s audience of pa re nts and ch il
d ren i n the bi g th eat e r A cu rtai n h ung a c r oss the middl e
.

of the s tage from ri ght to left I n front a l a dy w i t h a lot

.

of ea g e r child r e n a rou nd he r on stool s She asks wha t .

fam il ia r S to ry from folklore s he s hall read They cl ap .

th ei r e ag e r h ands and na me a S to ry S he re a ds ; t hey .

—
appl aud or l au g h or a re g rieved al l well d ri lled and
n a tu ral —and as s h e fi n is hes the cu rt a i n s lo w ly rises and
, ,

d is pl ay s i n ta blea u a n ex q ui s ite pictu re from th e s tory .

The ch ild ren i n th e audience get so c a rried a w ay t hat

they a pplaud s hou t c ry and make co m ments aloud
, , .

Ge rma ns comb t hei r h ai r i n publ ic and h ave s o m e othe r

l itt le pecul ia riti es but the re is one t hi n g wh i c h you can
,

c ha rge th e enti re nation w ith : as k any Ge r ma n a q ues

ti on and you wil l g et a ci vil a ns we r .

—
Afte r the naked m od e l wa s d re ss ed ( i n Rome ) s he
s howe d a tou c h of n atu re for a s she cl i mbed do w n from
t h e platfor m s he ex p osed t oo m u c h of he r a n kl e an d
r ect ified i t .

J a n ua ry 2 5 1 879 Th e m oth e r of t he ki ng 5 5 or 60
, .
, ,

was out wal ki n g i n t he street t od ay a m a id o f h ono r ,

1 48
 M A R K TWA I N

P ilatus .

A pa rt of th e pl a n for g athe r in g m ate ri al for

th e ne w t ravel boo k A Tra m p Abroad wa s to
, ,

h ave T w ich el l c ome ove r a s h is g uest a nd ,

“ ”
t ram p with h i m Twi chel l a rrived A ugust 1
.
,

a nd the t rampin g b e g a n at once th rough th e ,

B lack For e st and down i nto S w itze rl and They .

r eall y wa lked a good deal but h a d t a ken no ,

i roncl a d pl e dge to do so They w e re l ik e ly to

.

t ak e a t rai n or a ca rt or a ca rri a ge and they had

, ,

long d ay s of talk and i dl e loafi n g I n th e b oo k .

“
as publ ish e d T w ichel l i s Ha rri s ”
.

The Cl e men s fa mily spent the winte r of 1 87 8

a n d 1 879 i n Mu ni ch wh ere Ma rk T w ai n worked
,

p retty s teadily on h is book Late r they went to .

Pa ris and cross ed ove r to London return in g t o ,

A m e ri c a at the end of Au g ust 1 879 D e tail s of ,

.

th i s Eu ropea n s oj ou rn a re s et do w n s ome w hat ,

ill umi n a ted i n A Tra m p Ab road a nd more l it

M a rk Tw ai n —
, ,

e rally i n a B iog raph y c hapte rs ,

C X VI I to C XXI .

1 879

The En g l i s h oug h t not to pa tron ize t he Zul u s th e ,

“
Livi ngs t o ne Ri ve r Ca nn ibal s a nd s ay pi o u s ly : We a re
,

bette r th a n thou for i t i s ve ry pl a in t h at they have bee n

,
”

bett e r fo r no more tha n a hu n d r ed yea rs They a re a ve ry .

fi ne and pu re a nd elev ated people now but wh at t hey , ,

w e re b e t w ee n t he Roma n I nva s ion and the ti m e with i n

the mem o ry of a c e ntena ri an wa s but a s mall i mp rove
ment u po n the Shos hone I n dian s I s elect the Shos hone s.

beca u s e they have c e rt a i n peculi a r vi ces a n d al so ce rtai n

p ec ulia r co n s pi c uo us vi rt ues .

1 50
 N OT E B OO K
I di s favo r c api t al pu n i s h ment .

Samp s on w a s a Jew—the refore n ot a fool The J ew s .

h a ve the be s t a v erage b r a i n o f an y peopl e i n th e w orld .

The Je ws a r e th e only race who w ork w hol ly w ith thei r

b ra in s a nd n eve r w ith th e i r h a nds The re a re no Jew .

begg a rs no J ew t r a mps no Je w ditch e rs bod c a rrie r s

, , ,
-
,

d a y l a bor e rs o r follo we r s o f toilsom e m e ch a n ic a l t rade

, .

Th ey a r e p e cul i a rly a nd conspicuously t he world s i ntel ’

l ectu a l a ristoc r a cy .

I t d e pends on w ho w rite s a t hin g w hethe r it is coa rse

o r n ot . R a b e l a is I once w rote a conve rs a tion bet we en
.

Eli zab e th Sh a kesp ea re B en Jonson B ea u mont Si r

, , , ,

W a lt e r R a l e igh Lord B acon Si r Nichol a s Th rockmo rton

, ,

and a s tupid stupid old noblem an—th i s l a tte r being c up

,

b ea re r to the q u ee n and ostens ibl e reporte r o f th e t a lk .

Th e re we r e fou r m a ids of honor p resent and a S we et ,

young gi rl t w o ye a rs you nge r th an the boy B e a u mon t .

I buil t a conv e rs a tion w hich could h ave h app e n e d—I us e d

words s uch a s w ere u s e d at that ti me — 1 60 1 — I s e nt it
a non y mously to a m a g a zine—and h ow t h e edito r a bused
it a nd th e s e nd e r B ut th a t m a n w as a p r a iser o f R a b e l a i s
.
,
“
and h a d b ee n s ay i ng Oh th at we had a R a bel a is I
,
”
.

j udg e d I coul d fu rn is h h i m o n e .

Th e n I took it to o n e of the greatest b e st a nd mos t ,

lea rned o f D i v i n e s a nd re a d it t o hi m He c a me w ith i n .

an a c e of kill i ng h 1 m self w ith l aught e r ( for bet w ee n you

and me th e t h ing w as d read fully fu nny I don t oft e n w rite .
’

a nyth i ng th at I l a ugh at m y sel f but I c a n h a rdl y th in k

,

o f th at thi ng w ithout l a ugh ing ) Th a t o ld D ivine sa id

.

th at i t wa s a pi e c e o f the fi nest ki nd o f l it e ra ry a rt—and

Da v id G ra y o f the B ufl alo Cou ri e r s a id i t ought to be
p ri nted p rivatel y and left b e h ind m e w h e n I di ed a nd ,

the n my fa m e a s a lite r a ry a rt i st woul d l a st .

151
 MARK TWA IN
“
Thi s w a s th e Fi res ide Co n ve rs ation i n th e
“
T i me of Queen El izabeth The Divi n e w as
” ”
.

Jos eph H T w i che ll of Ha rtford to whom it wa s

.
, ,

s en t a s a le tte r Seve ral p ri vate edi tion s h ave

, .

bee n p ri nted Ma rk Twai n s S ta t ement that he

.
’

s e nt it to a n e di tor i s t o be heavily d i scou nted ,

though it i s not u nl i kely th at a s a joke he S ho w ed

it to M r Alde n o f Ha rp e rs or to one o f th e edit ors
M
.

of t h e C ent ury agazi ne .

M a rc h 2 8 , 1 8 79 ( Pa ris S alo n )
Went to see pictu re s ru s hed i nto P a l ai s d In d ust rie end ’

—
,

o f a fternoon l ast ch ance to g e t th e m i n Stai rwa y s

cro w ded—street ful l of van s and the vans fu ll o f pictu re s
.

Ev e ry ti me a poo r p ictu re came i n ev e ry body g roa ned .

Pe rfe ct how l w ent U p s ometi m es wh e n p a rti c ula rly poor

one c a me—it w as s natched and p a ssed from h a nd to h and
Pict u re o f wood s a w ing—e ve rybod y m a de a s ou nd l ike
.

sa w ing Pi ctu re of St J e rome and s kull —lot o f s tuden ts

. .

fo llo we d it wee pin g on each othe r s s houlde r s The re wa s

,
’
.

a row l a st yea r s o i t w as annou nced th at th i s yea r only

peopl e havi ng pictu re s would be ad mi tted—ao the re c a me
,

fi fty s tud e nts e ac h c a r ryin g a ten c e nt ch romo ve ry ca r e -

,

fully The re w e re acre s o f pictu res a ny a rti s t m a y s end

two or t h ree but not mor e —I thi nk th e y s a id t w o wa s
.
,

the l i m it A j u ry o f the fi r s t a rtists o f F rance ( el ected

.

by the exh ibitor s ) wil l exa m i ne the s e 60 0 0 o r 70 0 0 pic

tu res bet w ee n no w a nd M a y 1 1 a nd retai n about 20 0 0 ,

a nd reje c t th e rest They c a n tel l a g ood o r a b a d one at a

—
.

s ingle g lan c e t he s e a re at once s et a s ide a nd th e real

work b e gin s the cull i ng t h e be s t from among thos e that
,

l i e some w he re bet w ee n t he pe rfectly g ood a nd t he p er

fec t ly b a d And a tough job it i s A n a rt i s t c a n t vote fo r
’
. .

t h e j u ry till he h a s e xh ibited m o r e tha n t w ice Pict u res .

a r e ofte n re j ect ed fo r want of r oom The s e c a n be offe red .

a g ai n n ex t yea r A mo n g t he acres we s aw o ne w h i c h had

,
.

1 52
 M A R K TWA I N
‘

Su nday w ent on boa rd fl a gs h i p Trento n di n ed

een t h , , ,

th a t eve ning wi th Cons ul Ste w a rt and s ome office r s o f

the Trenton a nd th e Al l iance Took the fa mily and b reak
.

fa st e d o u boa rd th e Trenton Monday 1 4t h Adm i ral , , .

Ro wa n a r ri ved du ring the meal I s moked on th e Ad .

m i ral s side of the deck not knowin g i t wa s s a c red by

’

, ,

n a val eti q uette .

I n B ru ss els Ca t h ed ral h ea rd th e mos t m aj es ti c o rg an

music and men s voices eve r l i s t e ned to Neve r hea rd an y
’
.

th ing th at ros e to th e subl i mi ty o f thos e s ou nds The .

j ingl ing of a l ittle be ll oc ca s ional ly the distant boo m i ng ,

o f the g reat bell s i n the steeple th e remote bowi n g and

,

mu m ming the faint clouds a nd p ufl s o f i nce ns e ri s in g

,

from s w in gi ng cense rs the d i m di s tance s the 1 ict ure

, ,
-

wi ndows th e going a nd comi ng kneele r s th e high m iracu

, ,

lous ly m ade a nd m i racle w orkin g V i rg in t he o ld wom en ,

s ellin g ca ndles we re all h i g hly i mp ress ive

,
.

No wonde r Will i a m I I I pined fo r Holland—t h e co u nt ry

i s so green and lovel y a nd qu iet a nd pa s toral and home
l ike Boats s ail in g th rough the p rai ries and fa t cow s an d
.

q u a i nt w i ndmill s eve rywhe re .

At The H ag ue vis ited Museu m and saw Remb randt s ’

School of An a tomy and Potte r s B ull ( fl ie s visible u nde r

’

t h e hai rs ) Th i s i s absol ute n at ure in s ome othe r pi c

.
h -

t u r es too c los e a copy of natu re i s called a fault .

D rov e o ut to a c ou nt ry p a l a c e w he re Motl ey u s ed to
visit long at a t i me with th e Roy a l Fa mily Good po rt rait .

of hi m the re Al s o s ome F re sc oe s w hich c an t be told from

.
’

s tone high rel i e f a c ross the room D rove th e r e th rough

, .

a bout the noble s t wood s I eve r s aw .

We have bee n obl iged t o keep fi re s goi ng c on s ta ntly

ten month s s t e adi ly—from the 1 9 t h September to th e
1 51 h of J uly — i n I tal y Bava ria F r an c e Holla n d an d
, , ,

B elgi u m .

1 54
 N OT E B O O K

L ond o n , j uly 20 , 1 8 79

A rrived he re at 8 A Ra iny and cold Have h ad a . M . .

rous ing fi re bl azi n g i n t h e g rate al l day A remarkable

, .

s um me r truly !
,

Galle ries of pictu r e s w he re the re is much S plendid c on

fl ag rat io n of color have a cu rious efl ect U pon th e s p e c
'

tator Tu rne r soon makes one ill —it i s pa rtl y i ntense ad

.

m i rat io n pa rtly the color

One must h ave a pl ay book at an Engl is h pl ay—the
.
,

Engl is h accent i s so di ff e rent o n e c a nnot u nd e rst a nd o r

fol lo w t h e actors The s ame i n ordi na ry conve rs a ti on w h ich
.

one t rie s to hea r .

Sunda y Augu st 1 7 1 879 Ra w a n d cold and a d rench

, ,
.

i ng r a i n W e nt ove r to the T a b e rnacl e and hea rd M r

. .

Spu rg e on House th r ee q u a rt e rs full—sa y 30 0 0 people

.
- .

Fi rst hou r l a cking o n e m inut e t a k e n U p w i th two p raye rs

, , ,

t w o ugly h y mns a nd Scriptu re r ea ding S e rmon t h re e .

q u a rt e rs o f a n hou r long A fluent t a l k Good s onorou s . .

voic e Topic t re a t e d i n th e u nple a s a nt old fash ioned w ay

M
-
. .

an a might y b a d ch ild God w orki ng a t h i m i n fo rty ,

way s a nd h a v ing a w orld o f trouble about h i m .

A w ood e n f a c e d congregation—j ust the sort to S e e no

-

i ncongru ity i n the M a j e sty o f Heaven stooping t o b e g ,

a nd pl ea d and s e ntim e nt a l ize ove r such and to see i n

th e i r s a lv a tion a n i mpo rt a nt m a tter .

Spu rg e on wa s not a t h i s best today I j udge He w as ,

.

p rob a bl y eve n a t h is w ors t

It wa s so co l d I w as f re ezi ng—th e pou ri ng r a i n m a d e
.

ev e ry th i ng gloom y—the w ooden congr e gation was not a n

i nspi r a tion —th e music w as dep ress ing so th e m a n ,

c ould n t p reac h well

’
.

Tue sd ay August 1 9 Went u p Wind e me re Lake i n th e

,
.

s teame r Tal ked wi th the g reat Da rwi n

. .

1 55
 MAR K TWA I N
Augus t 3 1 A t sea i n the Gal l i a approa c h i n g N ew
M
.
,

York ( left Live rpool 2 3d ) Now abou t 9 P B rill iant

moon a c a l m sea a nd a magn ificent l una r rai nbow—a
. . .

complete a rch t h e color s pa rt o f the ti me a s b ri ll ia nt a s

if it w e re noonday—s ome s aid not quite as b ri ll i an t
,

soften e d wi th a degree of va guene ss but to me i t wa s not ,

di fl e ren t fro m a dayl ight rai nbow One can no t s ee th i s

.

wond e r twi ce i n h i s l i fe Fi ftee n yea r s a go I s aw a l un a r

.

r ain bo w a com plete a rch i n Cal i fo rn i a but it wa s s ilve r

w hi te—pe rfe ctl y colorl e s s
, ,

The reade r may remembe r th at h e had al s o

once se e n th i s phenomenon o n the way from
Ha w a i i to S an F ra ncisco .

The Colorado m i ne r on boa rd wh o h at es Engl ish and

won t al low the m to pas s th ings to h i m a t the ta ble
’
.

Loath es h i s th ree Engl ish roommates beca u s e of thei r

e fl em in at e afl ect at i o n of wea ri n g n i g h t s h i rts
'

Al l E ngl i s h i ndivi du al s a re ki nd and l ikabl e —the new s

pape r s a re s nobbis h p reten tious and they scofl at
, ,

Ame rica or c ontem ptuousl y ign o re he r Engl i s h p reache rs

, .

and s tate s me n t ry to d ra w t he t w o n a tion s t ogethe r i n

f riend s h i p a nd m utu al res p e ct —the n ew s pape r s with ,

w hat s eem s a s tea dy and cal cul ated pu rpos e d iscou rage ,

th i s The news pa pe r s a re going to wi n i n th is figh t The .

—
.

nation s a re at thei r friend l ie s t now the w ide nin g apa rt

h a s begu n— 4 h e s epa ration will b e complete i n a gene ra
tion .

Fo r s ome yea r s a c u s tom h a s b e en gro w ing U p i n ou r

l it e ratu r e to p rai se eve ryth ing Engl i s h a nd do it aff e ct ion
at e l y Thi s i s n ot m et hal f w ay a nd so it w ill cease Eng
.
,
.

l i s h i nd ivid ual s l ike and re s pect Ame ri c a n i nd ivi duals ,

but the En g li sh n a t ion de s pi s e s Ame ri c a a nd Ame rican s .

B ut t h i s d oe s no t s ti ng u s a s it did whe n we we r e s mal l e r .

We s hal l p re s en t ly be i ndiffe r e nt to be i n g loo ked do wn

1 56
 C HA PTE R XV

Am eri c a A g a in

( At Qua rr
y F a rm ,
Elm ira N Y )
,
. .

A UG U S T 1 1 880 T a l ki ng l ast n i g ht about home m a t

.

te rs I s a id : I w is h I h a d s aid to G e orge ( colored bu tle r )

,

w hen we w e re leavi ng home Now Georg e I wi s h you ,

‘
, ,

would take advantage of th ese th ree o r fou r month s i dl e ’

ti m e wh ile w e a re a w ay
, to l ea rn to leave my m at ch es
‘

alone ! i nte r ru pted Livy They we re the ve ry words I w as

’
.

going to use yet George h ad not been men tion ed be for e

,

nor h is pe c ul i a ri ti es .

Seve r a l yea r s ago I s aid : Suppos e I s houl d l ive to

be 9 2 a nd j u s t a s I w as dyin g a me s sen g e r s hould en t e r
,
”
a nd s ay
“
Y o u a re become the Ea rl o f Du rh am
i nte r ru pted Li vy Th e ve ry words I w as goi ng to utte r
. .

Yet th e r e h ad not be e n a w ord about th at ea rl nor h ad ,

the re b e en any convers ation c a lcul ated to s ugg e s t any

s uch s ubj ect .

Th e ea rldom of Du rh a m wa s a n a ppana g e of
th e Engl ish Lam p t on s ( o r Lam bdon s ) o f w hom
Ma rk T wa i n s moth e r wa s a d e scenda nt M a rk
’
.

T w a i n s om e ti mes a mus e d h i ms e l f w ith t h e re

mote po s sibil ity o f the titl e s h i fting to h i s b ranch
o f the fa mil y and hi s book Th e A m e ric a n C laim
,

a n t gr ew o ut o f thi s id e a
,
.

I n C a nad a No ve m ber 2 8 , 1 88 0

Mild yes te rda y a n d s i fted s now all day Tha t . w as ac

1 58
 N OT E B O O K
cordin g to p r e diction m a de Sept 1 This m o m
V en n or s
’
. .

i ng it is might y co l d w ith ye st e rda y s one i nch of sno w ’

c ru nch ing and grindi ng u nd e r the c a rt w heel s i n a s h rill

“
m e t a ll ic way V en n o r s ay s : A v e ry s udd e n a nd sev e re
.

f a l l o f tempe ratu r e w ill occu r th roughout C a n a da i n th e

l a st da y s o f Nov e mb e r w ith but l ittl e s no w i f any on
, , ,

the grou nd .

Th e r e h a s b ee n mil d wea th e r for some t i me before

—
thi s V en n o r s pott e d it right .

Si r I thi nk I a m lost but I a m not ac q uai nted w i th

, ,

the cit y a nd so I c a nnot r ea ll y t e ll I f yo u w ill b e so kind

,
.

a s to gi ve me a n id ea o f the di rection o f th e Windsor

Hot e l G od w ill r ewa rd yo u Of cou rs e I m a y not b e lost
,
.
,

a ft e r a l l ; I c a n not b y a ny m ea ns s wea r th a t I a m for ,

th e re i s nothi ng h e r e to s wea r by— I me a n nothi ng I coul d

recog n ize noth i ng I e ve r s aw before ; but i f I could see
,

somethi ng w hich I h a v e s e en b e fore I could t el l i n a ,

m i n ute by it s pos ition w heth e r I a m lost o r n o t : t h a t is I ,

could t e l l by comp a ri ng it s position wi th m in e wheth e r it ,

w as lost o r w h e th e r i t w as me ; a nd I could th e n kno w

w hic h o f us wa s los t and act accordingl y : t h at is to s ay
°

, ,

i f it tu rned o ut to be m e th at w as lost I shouldn t do ,

’

a nyth i ng at l ea st a t th e mom e nt p ref e rri ng to wa it a nd

, ,

s ue th e city ; but i f i t tu rn e d ou t to be it I shoul d of cou rs e

ca ll a ss istanc e ; fo r I hold th a t a h u m a ne m a n

I t i s a gr ea t and be a u ti ful cit y from Roya l Mou nt—the

gre a t St L aw r e nc e str e tchi ng i n both di rect ions a nd th e
.

w ide pl a i ns o n th e oth e r s ide w i th g roves and meado ws

a nd w ith mount a i ns b e yond .

—
80 m a n y p retty gi rls neve r so m any i n one town be
for e b e auty o f gi rl s and of l ittle ch ild ren so com mon as
-

to be al most monotonous b ut th e n one h a s th e oc c a s ional

,

reli ef of th e oth e r so rt o r one can look i nto th e g l as s .

I S9
 MARK TWA I N
G i rl s cos tu me i s pl ai n s i mpl e gr a ce ful sh apel y and
’
, , ,

topped w i th b ri ml ess fu r ca p often a black fu r ca pe ha nd

, ,

s ome r th a n s eals ki n ; th en the re a re often fu r borde rs to

th e clot hi ng The d res se s a re s ho rt
. .

Th is n i ppi ng ai r i s del icious and gives eve rybody

s plendid rudd y cheeks Th e compl e x ions a r e v e ry f a i r
among t h e gi rl s a nd also da rkish —h a l f a nd h a l f—E ng l is h
.

and F r e nch .

Th e F rench went to chu rch i n t roop s a nd d rove s f rom ,

8 ti ll 9 th is Sunday morning and th e E ngl i sh from ,

10 to 11 .

D rove h al fway to Fall s o f Montmoren cy th e n came ,

b a ck a nd bought a photograph The wind down o n the .

lo w ground w as m i g hty cold The photogr a p h i s v e ry.

s ati s factory .

I a m so i ndol en t and al l fo rm s of s tud y a re so h atef ul

,

to me th at although I was seve ral yea rs l ivi ng constantly

,

on s t e am boat s I neve r l e a rned al l th e pa rts o f a st e am

boa t The n am es o f pa rt s we re i n my ea r daily w hos e
.

offi ce a nd l o c al ity I w as ignoran t o f and I neve r inqui red ,

t h e meanin g o f thos e n ame s For i n s tance I thi nk I neve r

.
,

s aw the day whe n I could desc ribe t he m a rks on a lead

l i n e I neve r kn ew what i n th e run mea nt —I couldn t

.
” ’

fi nd the run i n a s t ea mboa t today a nd be s u re I wa s ri g h t .

A fte r m y fi r st voya g e at sea I neve r took any i nte res t

in k nowi ng t h e pa rt s o f the s h i p I c an not na me two .

th i rds of th e s a il s i n a ful l rigged s h ip ; I do not kno w

-

the n ame s o r fun ction s of hal f a dozen rop es The l i ne .

“ ”
A wet s heet and a flowi ng s ea ( wind ) ha s always bee n
?

meani n g le ss to me I do not know whethe r a sai l i s m ea nt

o r the rope ca ll ed a s hee t —a n d I h ave neve r had ene rgy
.
,
”

en o ug h t o i nq u ire .
 MAR K TWA IN
Ro ug e and were mas s a c red by th e I n di an s wh o sta i n ed ,

a m a st or s tick wi th t hei r blood a nd stu c k it up a s a

wa rn ing to othe r p i rate s t o keep away ; hence the n ame
“ ”
B aton Rou g e .

Th e s nag boat s and bea con s a r e a g rand good th i ng ,

b ut I t h i n k ( s a ys Pilot ) t h e rive r c om mission w i ll fool

a w ay money for noth in g t ryin g to tame and orde r th i s
,

c h a n nel .

G eorge Ri tchie wa s blown up on a boa t above Me m

ph i s—blown i nto t he rive r from pilot w he e l and di s
abl ed —cl un g to cotton bale i n ve ry cold wa t e r wi th h i s
,

teeth a nd floated ti ll rescued nea rly exhausted by deck , ,

h and s on piece of wreck They tore open the b a le a nd .

p u t hi m i n i t and wa rm ed th e l i fe b a ck i nto h i m a nd s o
got h i m to M e mph is He w il l neve r g e t enti r e l y ove r th e
.

eff e cts B ixby wa s blo w n up i n Mad rid Bend and h i s

.
,

pa rtn e r los t .

All the a c ciden ts nea rl y happen ed n ea r Memph i s and

, , ,

that gene rous to w n i s h ea vily taxed .

P rod i g iou s s torm o f rai n and wi nd oppo s ite B uck

I s l a nd i n a fte rnoon o f Ma y 9 I t s eemed the pilot hou s e
,
.

wa s bou nd to be blown away s o I went do w n i n th e ,

hold to s ee what ti me i t was Kept up till midni g h t . .

A t t h e devi l s elbow above Mem ph is the rive r n ow

’
, ,

r un s s eve ral mile s Up s t rea m where i t u sed to ru n down .

Thi s i s at Fog lem an s c hute wh i ch i s hal f m ile wide or

’

more and i s the chann e l bu t in m y t i m e a fal l en t ree

,

wo uld al mo s t b rid g e i t .

At 5 P . Mgot.to whe re H at I s l and w as It i s now .

gone , eve ry ves ti g e o f i t G oos e I s l a n d at the g raveya rd

.

1 62
 N OT E B O O K
below Com me rc e i s al l gone but a piece abo u t big enou g h
for dinn e r Lots o f buzz a rds the re on wreck o f G rand
.

To we r fish i ng for drow ned men etc

, , .

Ma n l ivi ng above J e ss up ti mb e r be hind H at I sl and

s ays 29 s teamboat s h a ve bee n lost i n s ight of h i s house .

Ha nnibal : G a rth s coach ma n called fo r me at 1 0 in

’

s t ea d o f —e xcused hi ms e l f b y s ayin g De ti me i s
“
,

mos an hou r a nd a h a l f slo w e r i n de cou nt ry e n wh a t i t i s

’

—
i n de to w n yo u w ill be i n plenty of ti me Bo s s some — ,

ti mes w e s hoves o ut e a rly for chu rch Su nd a y m aw n ings , ,

a nd fetche s up d a r right pl u mb i n de m iddle o f de ser

mon—d iffun ce i n de ti me—a body c an t m ake no calcul a ’

tion s abou t it ”

Al a s ! ev e r yth ing wa s changed i n Han nibal —b ut when

.

I r ea ch e d Th i rd or Fou rth str ee t the tea rs bu rst fort h

fo r I recogniz e d th e m ud I t a t least w as th e s a me—th e
,

s a m e old m ud—th e mud th a t An n ie Macdonald g ot

s tuck i n .

The w ate r above Dubuque i s ol ive green beauti ful a nd ,

s e mi transp a r e nt w i t h the s u n o n i t U ppe r Miss i s s ipp i

-
.

th e home of s uperb s unsets .

Th e bl uffs al l along up above St Pau l a re exqu isitel y .

be au ti ful Wh e re th e rough b roken tu rret e d rocks st a nd

.

up a ga i nst a sky abo v e the ste e p verd a nt slope the y a re ,

i nexp ress ibly rich and mello w i n color— soft d a rk b rown

mi ngled w ith dul l gr ee n—th e v e ry pl a ce to make a n
a rtis t w ors h ip Remi nd o n e of the ol d hou s e s i n Span is h
.

New Orlean s .

Ei g h t yea rs ago boats l ike the Minneapol is u s ed to g o

“
i n t o St Pa ul with 1 50 people Men u s ed to s ay G o t 2 8
. .
,
”
ca rs of wheat C a pt a i n ! ,
“
I ll ta ke t w o 0 the m
’ ’
.

1 63
 MAR K TWA I N
Now th e — “
ca p ta n i n qu i r e s Wh a t you got
i fo r us ?”

Th e r a il ro a d h as done i t U s ed to ca r ry loads of ha rv est

.

h a nds ; no w th ey h a ve i nve nted a s el f-b i n de r and d on t

’

have ha rvest h ands an y more .

Sunday May 2 1 7 A , ,
. M
A rri ved pe r Mi n n ea polis a t
.
,

St Paul and put up at the Met ro pol i ta n Col d a s th e

.
, .

ve ry devi l Go ld band hat would give us ti cket fo r a

.
-

ca rri age and fetch i t i n 30 m in ute s i f we paid i n advan ce

no oth e r way to g et a c a r ri a g e in S t Pa ul Wal ked to . .

hotel .

W r etch ed poor fam il y o n boat goi n g to the fronti e r

ma n on d e ck with w agon ; w om a n and seve ral litt l e ch il
d ren allowed i n c abi n for ch a ri t y s sa ke Th ey slep t o n ’
.

sofa s and floor i n gl a re o f l am p s a n d wi t hou t c ove r i n g ,

m ust have frozen l ast nig ht .

Th i s day May ,
2 3, t h ree i n c hes of s n ow fell i n I owa .

Ente ri n g Ph iladel phi a May 2 4 cut a n Ital i an l abore r s ,

’

foot off The t rai n s topped and cro w d s g athered to g aze

. .

Our t racks ought to be fenced on the p ri nci pl e th a t th e

m ajority o f h u ma n b e i ngs bei ng fool s th e l aw s ou g h t to
, ,

be m ade i n the i n te r e s t of the ma j o ri ty .

Pu n c h s advi c e to pe r s on s about to m a r ry
’

w as a thou s and yea r s old whe n Punch wa s bo rn .

“
No gentlem a n eve r sw ea rs —the obscu re pe r s o n wh o
”

s hout s thi s from hi s pul pit or hi s g ood good y pape r se e s

, ,

n o i mm ode s ty i n s etti n g h i ms el f a bo ve Well i ng t on Wa s h ,

Ingt o n e tc
, .

S pea ki n g of d uels I t hi nk I could wi pe

,
out a di sh onor
1 64
 MARK TWA IN
Had som e personal a cq ua in tan ce wi th all of th e m—wit h
B rown in ti ma te .

Th e phy s i cia n s is th e hi ghe s t an d worth i es t o f all occ u

’

pa tic os o r wo ul d be i f hu m an natu re did not make

,

s u pe rs ti t io ns an d p ri es ts n ec ess a ry .

B oard of F oreign Mi i s s o ns :
“
W e h ave s aved a Tu rk s ’

s oul ”
.

“
Wha t did i t cos t ? ”

“
I s i t wo rt h th at ? ”

U 8 G overn m en t
. .

“
We h ave kil l ed 20 0 I ndi an s .

“
Wh at di d it cos t ?”

“
You coul d h ave g iven them a col le g e e d u c ati on
”
th at .

Men t al Tel e g raphy : The th i n gs w h i c h p a s s th rough

my m ind when I lie a w ake i n the m orn i n g a re p r e tty su re
to be the topics i ntrod uced by o t h e rs at b reakfas t or din
n er th at d ay or t h e n ex t Sep t e m b er 2 0 , 1 882
, . .
 CHA PTE R XVI I

N ot es 1 883

MA N S del i g ht u pon re a chin g a n ench an t ed cou nt ry

’

w h e r e the rive rs we re al l w i n e s a nd l i q uors a nd wa te r

wa s sold and d ru nk a s a costl y l uxu ry He soon found .

h i ms e l f f a ll ing into h a bits of wa t e ry dissipation a nd c a r

f r —
i ng noth ing o th e othe r th ings t oo ch ea p a nd abu nd a nt .

Moral— m a ke no Maine l aws .

A good many of h i s notes w ere w ritten w h ile

riding o n a rough t rai n o r i n a c a rri a ge and a re
sca rc e l y l egibl e
.

As al re a dy set down ( i n the Foreword ) M a rk

T wa in s j udgm e nt a s to th e v a l ue o f h is own
’

id ea s w as un r e l i a ble He w a s l ikely to mist a ke

.

ban a l iti e s for choice h u mor A s a n ex a mpl e he re .

i s a memor a ndu m for a story he hoped to w rite

—o n e o f a thous a nd and o n e s uch thi ng s Some
- -
.

ti m es al as he wrote the m
, ,
.

W ri te th e Second Adven t wi th ful l det a ils —lots of I ri s h

,

—
disci p l es P a ddy Ry a n fo r J ud as a nd oth e r di scipl es S t a r .

i n th e E a st P e opl e wa nt to kno w ho w w ise m e n could see

.

it move w h ile sobe r J oh n i nte rvie we d

. .

I t w a s about th i s ti me that Mark Twai n in

vented a h isto ry g ame a ga me by wh ich all -

d a tes succ e ss ions etc we re to be tau g ht as the

, ,
.

g a me p rogress ed I t wa s at fi rst only a g am e o f

ki n gs —th e l e ngth of t h e r e i gn —but it expanded
.

and exp anded—as his idea s we r e li kely to do ,

1 67
 M A R K TWA I N
unti l it i n cl uded h i st o ry of eve ry s o rt—o f m us i c,
—
of a rt B ible hi story it could eve n t ea ch ge og
,

rap h y I n on e of hi s notes he s ay s
.

Th i s g ame c a n be appl ied to any fo rm of me m o ry p rac

—
tice l a ngua g e for i n s tance : cou nt a poi nt for each w ord
,

o r a s e nt e nce which you get right a nd i n th e right pl ace ,

an d you r O pponent g e ts a po i nt for each e rro r word y ou -

m ake .

Off e r a p r ize ( fi ne ope ra gl a s s ) for the h i g h est n u mbe r

of po i nts m ade i n a s e rie s o f g ames etc etc , . .

H e fill s up pa g e a fte r page wi th detail s and

s u gg estions pau s in g now and then to jot down
,

s ome idea for a s to ry even more i mp ra cticabl e

,

th an h is p r0 pos als for game s He wa s a ls o a t th i s

.

ti m e working agai n on h i s Capta i n Sto rm fi eld

s tory and w e come u pon the fol lowin g note :
St o rm fi eld mu s t hea r of
the ma n who worked ha rd al l
h i s l i fe to acqui re heave n a nd when he g ot the re the fi rst
pe rson he met was a man he h ad been h 0 pi ng all th e t i me
was i n h e l l—s o di s a ppoi nted and outr a ged that h e ia
qui r ed the way to hell and too k up h i s s at chel a n d l eft .

B ut these a re o nl y b rie f i nterl ude s A pa g e o r .

two fa rthe r alon g he i s deep i n t he g ame again ,

remarki ng i n one pl ace th at it will be the be s t

sol ita i re g ame eve r i nvented The n no t e nti r el y
.

forg etti n g St o rm fi eld he w r i te s :

,

Captai n St o rm fi eld fi nd s tha t hell wa s o ri g i n al ly i nsti

t ut ed i n def e rence to a n e a rly Ch ri s t i a n s e n ti ment In .

m ode rn ti m e th e h all s of heave n a re wa r m ed by r adiator s

co nnected wi th h e ll and the idea i s g reatly a ppl auded by
,

J onatha n Edwa rds C a l vi n Baxte r a C 0 bec au s e it add s

, ,
.

a new p ang to the s i nn e r s s u ff e r in g t o kn ow th at the ve ry

’

1 68
 MA R K TWA I N
Wh en ce th es e kn ives a nd oth e r m et al th i n gs Wel l t hey ?

a re found i n t h e egg o f w aw h awp —s o the children often

,

h u nt for ne s t s of this i magi na ry bi rd .

S he must spe a k of one you ng gi rl who i s a n idiot and

who is no w 80 yea rs old She visit s he r h usband s cl ea r
.
’

ice gr a ve a fte r 30 yea rs and fi nds h i m fres h and youn g ,

w hile s h e i s old and g ray .

A typical Ma rk T w ai n idea of th e more fan

t ast i c s o rt—too fanta s tic perhap s to b e u nder
, ,

taken even by him for we hea r n o more of it

, , .

Peopl e i n t ry i ng to j u s ti fy Ete rn i ty s ay w e can pu t i t

i n le a rn ing a ll the kno w ledge acq ui red b y the i nhabitants
of th e m y riads o f st a rs We sh a n t ne e d that We could
.
’
.

use up t w o Ete rn iti es i n lea rn ing all th at i s to be lea rned

about ou r own world and th e thou s and s o f n ation s tha t
h ave a ri s e n and flou ris hed and vanished fro m it Mathe .

m at i cs alone would occupy me ei g ht m ill ion yea r s .

Augus t 1 2—I t hi nk we a re onl y the microscopic t ri c h in a

con c e a l ed i n th e bl ood of some va s t c reatu re s vein s and ’
,

i t i s th a t va s t c reatu re whom G od conce rns Him s el f abo ut

and not us .

I lose my tempe r ove r a c e rtai n cl ass of bu s i ne s s ( be g

g i n g ) l ett e rs exc e pt w hen the y come from colored ( and
,

t herefore ignorant ) people M rs Clem ens s ugg e st s that I

. .

“
adopt as a motto : Co ns ide r eve rybody colored till he i s
”
p roved wh ite .

Jewel l ( of Ha rt ford ) s aid th e ch u rch would tru s t me t o

—
take up a c ol lecti on with a bell pun c h .

On a wa ge r I on c e s ta rted to ride from V i rgi ni a Ci ty to

Sa n F i n s tage w ith s eve ral wome n a nd gi rl s I to play
.
, ,

dea f and dumb Got out ea rly Lost th e be t

. . .

1 70
 NOT E B OO K
D ream o f bei ng a knight e r rant i n a rm o r i n th e Middle
Age s H a ve the notion s and h a bi ts of thought o f th e p r es
.

ent d a y m ixed w ith the necess iti e s of th a t No pockets i n

the a rmor Can t scratch Cold i n the head—c an t blow
.

’ ’
. .

c a n t g e t a h a ndke rch ief can t us e i ron sleeve I ron gets

’
,
’
.

re dhot i n th e s u n —l e ak s i n the rai n g e ts w hite w ith frost ,

a nd fre eze s me sol id i n wi nt e r M a kes dis a gre ea bl e cl atte r.

w hen I e nte r ch u rch C a n t d ress o r u nd res s my s el f Al

.
’
.

way s getti ng st ruck by l ightn ing Fall do w n and ca n t g e t .

’

up .

Writt e n across th is pencil note i s anothe r i n -

i nk m a de fiv e y ea rs l a te r
,
.

F all of 84 wh il e C a bl e and I we re giving readin gs

’
-
,

C a bl e got a Mort e d Art h ur a nd g ave it to m e to r ea d

’
.

I b eg a n to make notes i n m y he a d for a book Nov 1 1 ,

. .
,

1 886 I re a d th e fi rst chapte r ( a ll th a t wa s th e n w ritt e n )

,

a t Go ve rnors I sl a nd a nd closed the re a ding w ith a n o ut

,

l in e o f th e p robable contents of th e futu re book W rote .

“
a book Th e Y a nkee at A rth u r s Cou rt i n 87 a nd 88
” ’ ’ ’
,

and publ ish e d it i n D e cemb e r 1 889 ( sh a l l an ywa y ) , .

I h a ve not r a il ro a ded to spe a k o f for fi ft e en y e a rs b ut

h av e st aye d a t hom e Th is morn ing th e u su a l n ew b rid e
.

got abo a rd the tr a i n a nd sh e b e g a n a s us u a l h e r fu rt ive

,

lo v e t a ppi ngs a nd p e tti ngs p roud th a t h e wa s he r s a nd

,

w ill ing th a t eve ry body s houl d kn o w i t and envy he r a n d ,

w h e n sh e wa nt e d to a sk h i m w h a t ti m e it w as or a n y ,

l ittl e th is w orldly t rifle sh e w oul d h itch h e r ch i n on h i s

-
,

should e r and wa l l he r wor s h i pi ng eyes U p j u st in t he ,

sam e old s oft s w eet r a il road honeymoon w ay w hich I

, ,

r e m e mb e r e d so we l l ; a nd h e w el l he stood it i n the s ame

,

ol d p a ti e nt s ufl ering s u rf e ited sh a me fac e d m a rty rl ike

, ,
-

wa y of the r a il roading b ridegroom of the bygone ti m e s ,

a nd w ond e red no doubt ho w h e could eve r h a ve thought

he kn ew an yt h in g abo ut cou rtin g and keep in g i t up for ,

1 71
 MA R K TWA I N
his courti n g befo re m a rri a ge m us t h ave s eemed so pale
a n d p oo r and l azy compa red wi t h he rs afte r it Ye s the r e .
,

w a s th a t s ame old gu s hy s a ppy little d ra ma goi n g on

,

be fore me j u s t i n the sa me old soul e nch anti ng way wi th

,
-

out a ch ange i n any deta il o f the pe rfo r mance B ut at l a s t .

the b ride ti red he r s el f out as us ual and then a s u s u a l

, , ,

s h e cu shion ed he r dea r h e a d u nd e r hi s left ea r and w en t

to sl ee p as conten tedly a s i f s h e h ad been i n heav e n —a nd

i t s a m i g hty t ryin g po s i t ion fo r the other fellow and
’
,

—
make s h i m feel bitte rly conspicuous B ut n ow a ch a nge
came th e fi rst I h ad eve r obs e rved i n th is d ram a—for
.

s he b e ga n to s nore It w as a n i mmense i mp rovement and

.

softened y ou r ha rd hea rt to w a rd h e r a t once b e cause i t ,

s ho wed th a t h e r sle e p wa s hone s t a nd not gott e n up for

effe ct as those forme r s leeps we re So I gratefu lly added
,
.

th at to th e long l i s t o f i m prove ment s wh ich I had noti ced

i n th es e s ix wee ks of rail roading .

L ots of th ings h ave changed and al l for th e bette r They .

h a ve d ry tow el s i n th e hot e l s now i nstead of the pul py

,

d am p r ag o f fo rm e r day s wh ich s h udde red you up l ike a

,

cold poultice ; and the y h ave e lectrical buttons now in , ,

s tead o f thos e c rooked bell handl es wh ich al w ay s to r e

you r hand and made you b reak a lo t o f th e com mand

men t s — all you coul d th i nk o f on a s udden cal l that way ;
an d at ta bl e th ey feed you l ike a m an and a brothe r a nd ,

don t b ri n g you r d i n ne r and s p read it a rou nd you r pl ate

’

i n a m a ss mee ti n g of so a p di s he s ; a nd you h ave the tele

- -

phone i n s tead o f the pet rified me ss en g e r bo y A nd t hen .

the n e w l i g h t The re wa s n othi n g l ike i t when I wa s o n

.

th e h i g h w ay befo re I wa s i n Det roit l a s t n ight and for

.

th e fi r s t ti m e s aw a c i ty whe r e th e n i g h t w as a s beautiful
as the day ; s aw fo r th e fi rst time the pl a c e o f s al low t w i

l ight bough t at $ 3 a th o u s and feet cl us t e rs of co rrusc at ing

, ,

el ect ri c s u ns floating i n t h e s ky witho ut vi s i bl e s up po rt

,

and cas ti ng a m ellow r adi ance up on t he sno w -co ve red

m
 CHA PTE R XV I I I

Th e G ran t B ook

Wrrn Ch a rl e s L Web s te r a n ephew by m a r .

,

ri a g e Ma rk T w ai n by 1 8 85 had become a p ub
,

lis h er A s uccess ful be g i n nin g havi ng been made

.

wi th Huckl e be r ry F i nn the fi rm of Cha rl e s L , .

Webste r C o wa s now about to u nde rtake a.

ventu re o f f a r g reate r p ropo r tion s .

F E B R U AR Y 2 6 1 885 On th e 2 1 5 t I called on G en G ra nt
, . .

and C 0 1 F red h is son at 3 East 66t h St thei r home to

. .
, ,

tal k ove r the bu s ine s s detai ls o f the publ ication o f the Gen
’
e ral s book I wa s a s ton ished to see how th i n a nd weak
.

h e w a s ; yet a s I h ad j u st read i n the pape r s th at hi s bad

s ym ptom s we re all gone I took it fo r g ranted th a t th e
repo rt wa s t rue and s aid I h ave been g l ad to see that
n ews H e s miled and said— Ye s—i f i t had onl y bee n
,
“
.

”
t ru e One o f the phys ici a ns w a s p re s en t and he sta rtled
—
.

“
m e by s aying The Gene ral s condi tion wa s the op pos ite ’

of en cou raging .

The n the tal k d ri fted to bu s i ne s s and the G ene ral p re s

ently s aid I mea n you s hall h ave the book—I h ave
“

about m ade up m y mi nd to that—but I wish to w ri te to

,

M r Ros w el l Smith fi rst and tel l h i m I h a ve so d ec ided

. .

”
I thi nk t hi s i s due h i m .

F rom th e be g i n nin g the G ene ral ha s s hown a fin e del i

—
ca cy t owa rd th os e peopl e a del ica cy wh i c h i s native t o
th e c h a racte r of the ma n who put i nto the A ppo mat tox
“
te r m s of s u r rende r the word s Offi ce r s m ay r etai n t hei r
s ide a rms , to s ave G en e ral Lee th e h umilia tion o f g i vi ng
”

1 74
 N OT E B OO K
U p h i s s word—a del ica cy w hich th e Centu ry h a s not well
des e rved .

Th e y o ffe red h i m 10 % roy a l t y o n his book ! Th at w as

the mos t colos sal bit of c h ec k the 1 9 t h centu ry ca n show .

Gen G rant fel t u nde r obl ig a tions to g ive the m the book
—m a inl y bec a use th e y s ugg e sted th at he wri te it —a s ug
.

g e stion wh ich I m a de to h i m thr e e yea r s ago And i n h i s .

mod e st y he didn t know that wh e n th e y paid h i m $ 1 50 0

’

for th r e e a rticl e s i n the Centu ry they we r e ex a ctl y a s j ust

to w a rd h i m as i t would be to bu y a doll a r b il l o f a bl ind
m a n a nd p ay hi m t e n cents fo r i t Th e y s e nt h i m a volun
.

t a ry thous a nd doll a r s the othe r d ay—aft e r th e G e ne r a l s ’

fi rs t a rticl e h a d sp run g thei r ci rcul a tion cl e a r a w ay up

i nto th e clouds Th e y could h av e paid h i m $ 50 0 0 for t hat
.

a rticl e and s til l m a d e th at much mon e y th e ms elve s .

F rid ay M a rch 2 0 1 885 G e rh a rdt a nd I a rriv e d at

M
.
,

G e n G r a nt s a bout h a l f past t w o P
.
’
and I a sk e d th at
. .

the fa mil y w ould look at a s m a ll cl ay bus t o f the Gen e ral

w hich G e rh a rdt h a d m a de from th e p hotogr a ph Col Fred . .

and Jess e were a bs e nt to r e c e ive th e i r s iste r M rs S a rtori s ,

.
,

w ho would a rri ve from E u rope about but th e th r e e

M rs G r a nts e x a min e d the work and exp r e ss e d strong ap
.

p rov a l o f i t a nd a lso g r e at gratification th a t M r G e rh a rdt .

h a d u nd e rt a k e n it M rs J e sse G r a nt h a d l a t e l y d r ea m e d
. .

th a t s h e wa s i n q u i ri ng wh e re th e m a ke r o f m y bust could
be found ( s he h a d s e e n a pictu re o f it i n Huck Fi n n w hich
was publ ish e d fou r wee ks ago ) for s h e wa nt e d th e s ame
a rtist to m a k e o n e o f Gen G rant The l a di e s e x ami ned
. .

th e bust critic a lly and poi nted o ut th e d e fe cts w h ile Ge r

h a rdt m a de the n e c e ss a ry corrections P r e s e n tl y M rs . .

G e n G r a nt sugg e st e d that G e rha rdt step i n a nd look at

.

the G e n e r a l I h a d b ee n i n the r e t a l ki ng w ith the Gen

.

e r a l but h a d n e v e r thought o f aski ng h i m to l e t a strange r

,

come in So Ge rh a rdt we nt i n w ith th e l a dies an d me and

.
,
“
th e i ns pe ction and cros s fi re beg an The re I wa s s u re .
,

l 7S
 MA R K TWA IN
” “
his nos e w as a nd -so a n d I wa s s u re h i s forehead
so -

a nd so — And don t you th i n k h i s head i s so

, ,
“
wa s so -
”
-
.
’

”l
a nd -
so ?
An d eve ry body wal ked a rou nd an d a bo u t the ol d
so

he ro w ho l ay h al f recl i ni ng i n h i s bi g ea s y chai r and well

,

mu ffle d up and s ub mitt ed to all th i s as s e renely a s i f he

,

we re u s ed to being s e rved so On e ma rked featu re o f .

Gen G rant s c ha ra ct e r i s h i s ex c eed i n g gentl enes s good

.
’
,

nes s s we etn ess Eve ry ti me I h ave been i n h i s p res ence

l ately a nd fo rmerly—m y mind wa s d ra w n to th at featu re
.
,

P resently h e s aid—to l et G e rh a rdt b ring i n h is cl a y and

.

work the re i f Ge rha rdt woul d not m i nd h i s recl i ni ng atti

,

tude Of cou rs e h e w as g l ad A table for the bust wa s

.
,
.

mov e d up i n fron t of h i m ; th e l adie s left the roo m I go t .

a book ; Ge r ha rdt went to work and fo r a n hou r there ,

w as pe rf e ct s til l ne ss a nd fo r the fi rst ti me du ri ng the day

,

th e Gene ral g o t a g ood s ound peaceful n ap G en B adeau . .

ca me i n a n d p robably i nte r ru pted t h at nap He s poke out .

as s t rongl y a s th e oth e rs c once r ni n g th e g reat excellence

of the l ikeness He h ad s ome s heet s o f m anu sc ript i n h i s
.

“
hand and s aid : I h ave bee n readin g wha t you w rote
,

th is morning Ge ne ral ; a nd i t i s of the U t mos t val ue ; i t

,

s olve s a riddl e th a t h a s puzzl ed m e n s b rai n s al l the s e ’

”
yea rs and makes th e th in g cl ea r and r a t ional
, .

“
I a s ked wh at th e p uzzl e wa s a nd h e s aid I t wa s w hy , ,

G r a nt did not i m mediately l ay s iege to Vick s bu rg a fte r

ca ptu ri ng Port H uds on ( At le a s t th at i s my rec ol lection
”
.
,

now towa rd m idni g ht of Ge n B adeaus an s we r ) , .

’
.

Offe r Ge n G rant s fa m ily $ 50 0 a m on t h ti ll a yea r ’

h en ce when fi r st s ettl ement du e—they pe rh ap s need i t

.

Ma rc h 2 3 1 88 5 D rove at , . A . Mto Pratt 8 Whi t

. c

ney and t o ld Co l W ood ru ff . to take th e offe ns ive now

K l Ge h dt w u l
u pto r w h ose art ed u tio n in P ris
Mrk T i
ar r ar ca
as a yo n g c
s a

had b een
pai d fo r by a wa n.

x76
 M AR K TWA I N
Savi ou r ) wa s alli ed th e i n fi nitel y grand an d th e i n fin itel y
li ttle Ca rl y le w ho s e l i fe wa s one long s tomach a ch e and -

—
.
, ,

one ce a seless w ail ove r it Gl a dston e a nd o ut of cou rtes y

to m a n y he re p resent I add Bl aine—Maca ul ay—S hake
.

— —
,

sp ea re B u r
h
n s Scott Ri chel ieu- Cromwel l

Ma rch 3 1 Cal l ed at Gen G rant s a nd saw M r s F red ’

M
. . .

G r a nt a nd rs S a rtoris Sho w ed the m th e cove r o f th e

. .

Gen e ral s book I took w ith me you ng Hall w ho write s

’
.
,

s ho rth a nd I h ad a telegraph ic pa r a gr a ph from thi s mo rn

.

in g s Tribu ne i n which Gen Jub a l Ea rly t rie s to t a ke th e

’
.

m a g na ni m ity out o f Gen G r a nt s action at Appomattox .

’

i n not r e q u i ri ng Gen Lee to g ive up h i s s word I hoped

. .

to find Gen G ran t wel l enough to tel l th e s to ry of the

.

s u r rende r a nd let you n g H al l take i t down i n s ho rth and .

I w anted t o l ay th e s ugge s tion before Col F red G r an t .

,

but he w a s w o r n out and asl eep and I wo ul d not all ow

h i m to be distu rbed Hi s w i fe w ent U p to see i f he migh t
.

be s ti rrin g but he w as still asleep so a fte r wa iti n g a nd

, ,

tal ki ng a w h ile I came a w ay Many group s o f peopl e w e re .

dist ri b ut e d he re a nd th e re i n s ight o f t he house obse rv i n g ,

the visi tor s and o n e reporte r question e d me but I wa s

, ,

not able to t e l l h i m m u c h Anothe r t ried to h e ad off the .

c 0 Up é bu t g ave i t U p
,
.

W e bste r w as U p til l th i s morn ing noti fy ing newspa pe rs ,

not to rep rod uce the stolen pictu re of Gen G rant a s a .

Lieutenant i n the Mexi c a n Wa r .

A p ri l 4 Ge n G r ant i s s ti ll l i v i ng t h i s mo rn i n g Ma ny
. . .

a pe rso n bet w een the t w o oce ans l ay hou rs a w ake l a s t ,

ni g h t l i s tenin g for the boo mi n g of t he fi re bell s t hat

,

s hould s peak to the nation i n s i multan eou s voi c e and tel l

i ts c ala mi ty The bell stroke s a re to be 30 s ec ond s apa r t
.
,

a nd t h e r e will be 63 the Gene ral s age ,

’
.

Th ey wil l be st ri ki n g i n eve ry to w n i n the U nited States

at th e s a m e mom ent—th e fi rs t ti me i n t h e wo rld s h i s t ory ’

1 78
 N OT E B O O K
th at the bell s of a nation h a ve toll e d i n u nison begi nni ng
a t the sam e moment and ending a t the same moment
,
.

G e ne r a l G rant is stil l a l ive tod a y a nd the n ation hold s

i ts b reath and a wa its the blow .

G e rh a rdt wanted me to let h i m write a note and a s k

Col F r e d G rant s p e rmi s sion to make a d ea th m a sk of
.
’

his fath e r I t i s some t h i ng th at must be done o f cou rse

.
, ,

but I coul d not b rin g mysel f to be a pa rty to the re q u e st

—th e re i s someth ing so d read ful about it So I t e l e gr a ph e d .

h i m to a ppl y th rough G e n B ad e au i nste a d of m a king a

.
,

pe rson a l appl ication I had before t e legraphed C ol G rant

. .
,

asking th a t he l et Ge rh ardt speak w ith h i m .

A t e l e gram from Ge rha rdt tonight s a y s Col G r a nt h a s .

p e rson a l ly giv e n h i m the de s i red pe rmission I a m v e ry .

glad i nd ee d for the mask must be m a d e w h e n the G e n

,

e r a l dies a nd it is so much bett e r that G e rh a rdt who i s ,

hon es t a nd w hom th e fam il y know should do i t t ha n

‘

s om e t ricky str a n g e r .

He wa s no w all conc e rned w ith the m an ufac

tu re o f th e G r a nt m e moi rs n e a rl y e v e ry p a g e o f
,

th e not e book bea rs suggesti ons more o r l e ss p rac

tic a l As the orde rs w e re coming i n for i t i n a
.

re a l del uge t he matte r o f fi ndin g p r e sses and

b i nders b e ca me ve ry u rg en t .

A l a rge s um o f money for manu fa ctu ring

w as re q u i red and th is h a d to be borro we d for the
most pa rt I t r eq u i red cou rage as we ll a s cr e di t
.

to fi nan c e this gre a t u nde rt a king but M a rk ,

T wa i n i mp r a ctic a l as h e w as i n t h e m a tte r of
,

det a ils n ev e r l ack e d cou r ag e a nd h e neve r

, ,

l ack e d vis ion as to re s ul ts .

Th e sev e res t cen s or h as been th e B os ton Ad ve rti s e r I .

a m sorry to i mput e pe rsonal moti v es to hi m but I must ,

he i s me rely ta ki ng what h e i ma g i nes i s l e g i t i mate revenge

I 79
 MARK TWA IN
Up on me fo r wh a t wa s s i mpl y and s ol el y a n a cc id ent I .

h ad the m is fo rt un e to catch hi m i n a s ituation wh ich will

not bea r describi ng He p robably th i nk s I have told that
.

th i ng all a round It i s a n e rror I h ave neve r told i t except

. .

to one m a n a nd he came so nea r absol utely dy in g wi t h

,

l a ughte r that I j udg ed i t best to take n o m o r e c han c e s

wi th th a t n a r r a ti ve .

“
Th ri c e h ave I bee n i n th e v alley of th e s h adow of
death a nd th rice have I com e o ut agai n Rev D r New
,
”
. . .

m a n s ays Gen G rant p ress e d hi s h and and s aid that yes

.

t e rd ay Ap ril 1 5
,
Ten cen ts to a thou s and doll a rs h e
.

nev e r u sed th at form of w ords Thi s piece o f mi s repo rtin g .

compo rt s w ith w h at th a t Chi n e se Sec reta ry o f Lega tio n

“
s a id o f Newma n Tribu ne ve rs ion : Th rice ha v e I bee n
.

down i n th e v a lle y o f de a th a nd now I h ave come U p ”

No bette r—gus h—rot—i m pos s ible

.
,

May 1, 1 88 5 s ets of Ge n Gr a n t s boo k ( o r

. .
’

s i ngl e volu mes ) wh ich I am to publi sh n ext De

cem b e r a re a l re a dy orde red by a region comp ri s in g o n e

fou rth of the te rritory lyi ng b e t w een Can a da a nd M as on

and Dixon s Li ne and the Mi ssis s i ppi Ri ve r a nd the At
’
,

l a ntic O c ean At th i s rate the re st of th at te rrito ry will

.

t a ke se ts mor e s e ts i n all o r ,

s in g l e vol u me s Th e vas t We st a nd the body of Southe rn

s ets pe rhap s —
.

St a te s ou g ht to take togethe r s ay ,

s in g l e vol u me s I f the s e ch icken s s hal l really

.

h at c h acc ordi n g to my acc ount Gen G ra nt s royaltie s

, ,
.
’

w il l a m o unt to and w ill make the l a rg e s t s i ngl e

che c k eve r paid a n author i n the world s h i s to ry U p to ’
.

the p re s ent ti me the l a rge s t one ev er p a id w a s to Ma

c aulay o n h i s Hi s to ry o f En g l a nd pou nd s I f I , .

p a y t he G e ne ral i n s ilve r c oi n ( a t $ 1 2 pe r pound ) i t wil l

weigh 1 7 tons .

( Not e added Ap r il 1 5 ,
1 889 . Ha ve j u st read th e p re c ed
1 80
 MAR K TWA I N
I f G od i s wh a t peo pl e s ay th e re c a n be n o one i n t h e
u ni ve rs e so u n happy a s h e ; for he see s u nceasingl y
my ri ad s of hi s creatu re s sufl ering u n s peakabl e m i s e ries
and bes ides th is fores ee s how t hey a re goin g to s ufl er du r
“
in g the rema inde r of th ei r lives On e mi g h t well s ay: A s
.

”
u n h appy a s God .

Th e telephone mus t be d rive n ou t for it i s usel e ss—at

,

a n y rate at ni g ht when th e elect ric l i g hts a re bu rnin g .

I t w as at th i s ti me th at Ma rk Twai n wrot e
M
fo r the C en t ury agazine h is a rt icle on h is ex
p e ri ence a s a Con federate soldie r whe n thi s s ma ll
i r re g ul a r company o f wh ich h e w as a m e mbe r
wa s pu r s u e d by tr oop s u nde r th e then u n know n
Co l U S G rant
. . . .

The G ene ral s aid h e read my a rticle fi rs t and all th e , ,

fa mily a ft e rw a rds ( I s aid ) I did not kno w that th is wa s

.

th e futu re Gene ral G rant or I would h ave tu rned and

attacked h i m I s uppos ed i t was j ust some ordi na ry
.

Co lonel o f no pa rticula r con s equence s o I let hi m go I t , .

wa s p robably a g reat m i s take .

I t i s c u riou s and d readful to s it up th i s way and tal k

ch ee rful non s en s e to Gen G rant and he u nde r s enten c e of
.

death w it h th at can c e r He s ay s he has made the book

too l a rge by 2 0 0 p ag e s —not a bad fault—a s hort time ago
.

we we re a fraid i t woul d lac k 40 0 o f bei n g enough He h as .

di ctated word s a t a s i ngl e s itting and he a s ick ,

m a n ! I t ki lls me the s e day s to w rite hal f of i t

, ,
.

I t h a s been cl ai med by pe r s on s h avi ng no

kno w l e dge of the c i rc u m s tance s -havi n g nothing
i ndeed but a mal i g nant de s i re to c hea pe n a g rea t
he ro —that Gene ral G r ant d id n o t w r ite hi s o w n
m emoi rs—that Ma rk Twai n and othe r s wrote
the m Th es e note s a r e s uffi c ie n tly c onc l u s ive
. .

1 82
 N OT E B OO K
May 2 6 1 88 5 Th is date 1 85 8 pa rted from L ( Lau ra
,
.
, ,
.

“
D a ke ) Who s a id We s hal l meet ag a i n 30 year s from
.

”
now .

Th ey did not meet i n th i rty yea r s or eve r , ,

ag a i n D u ring the s um m e r of 1 90 6 at D ubl i n

.
, ,

New H a mpsh i r e h e r e ceived a l e tt e r from he r

, ,

t h e fi rst i n a l l th a t ti m e She a sk e d a f av or w hic h

.
,

h e was onl y t oo w ill i ng to gr a nt I t h as n e ve r .

b ee n qu ite cle a r w hy th e i r rom a nc e c a me to a n

end .

Today tal ked w i th Gen G r a nt a bout hi s and my fi rst

.
, ,

Missou ri c a mp a ign ( in 1 861 Ju n e or J uly ) H e s u rp ris ed

M
.
,

a n e mpty cam p ne a r Florida , O o n Sal t Ri v e r w h ich I

,
.
,

h a d bee n occupying a day o r two before How n ea r he .

c a me to pl a y i ng th e d e vil wi th h is futu re publ ish e r .

Gen G r a nt told me i t w as at Sal t Rive r his h ea rt wa s

.

i n h is mou th but from th at day forth h e nev e r h a d a

,

tre mor agai n i n the wa r He had been i n w a r before but

.

th i s w as th e fi rst ti me he w as respons ible .

Gene ral G r a nt s fi rs t idea w as to p ut i n portraits of

’

p romi n e nt g e ne r a l s but he got so m a n y l e tt e rs from colo

,

n el s a nd s uch a sking to b e added th at h e r e sol ve d to put

,

none i n and t hu s a void th e creation of j e a lous ies .

J une 2 8 Gen G r a nt telegraph e d m e and I we nt to h i m

— M
. .

n e xt d a y a long trip from El mi ra to Mou nt cG rego r

M
.

L e ft th e h illtop at Quar ry Fa rm at 6 A a rriv e d at

M
. .
,

G e n G rant s cott a ge 1 4 hou rs a ft e rw a rd

’
P The
busin e s s wa s a lett e r from th e Centu ry—e x a ctions a bout
. . .

the Centu ry a rticl es I devi s ed on e me t hod Col F r e d

.
,
.

a nothe r We fix e d it up
. .

I wa s read y to r e tu rn next morn ing b ut wa it e d 2 4 ,

hou rs fo r J ess e Gr an t to retu rn from N e w York H e .

1 83
 MA R K TWA I N
w a nt ed m e to fu rn i s h mon ey for h i m to go t o Tu rkey
wi th I t appea r s th a t a yea r o r more a go G o v Stanford
. .

of Cali fo rn ia wa s d in in g wi th the Sul ta n when the latte r

offe red h i m a fran c h ise for a r a il road from Constan ti nopl e
to t h e Pe rsia n Gul f Stan ford ca me home full o f the
.

p roj e ct ; then h i s so n died and he at once lo s t al l i nter e st

i n l i fe So he gave the chance to Jesse G rant a nd offe red
.
,

to joi n Gen G ra nt i n fu rn ish i n g Jesse lette rs t o the Sult a n

. .

I had to leave before Jesse could g et back but I s h all

fu rn is h the money for the expe ri ment .

J ul y 1 0 Gen G rant ha s written the Sul tan

. . .

“
Write a bl a st a g ai ns t th e t em pe rance and othe r pl ed ge ”

foll y .

“
So me day m ake a l i ttl e book c al l i t Pi ctures que i nci
,

den ts i n h i s to ry and tradi t ion ( of al l Fo r

i n s tance : De s c ri be what Engl an d wa s l ike du rin g the s ix
yea rs whe rei n n o ch u rch el h l w as —
heard J ohn and hi s
whole r eal m bei ng u nde r Papal cur s e and i nte rdi ct .

The c hild ren s pil g ri ma g e to Palesti ne

’
.

To pl ease Ri ch a rd I I I a p riest of We s tmi nste r i nvented ,

o r al lo w ed th e q uibble that S anctua ry wa s a refu g e fo r

o nl y thos e who we re g uil t y o f c ri m e—a nd so poo r l ittle
,

P ri n ce Hen ry havi ng com mitt ed n o c ri me h ad no ri g ht to ,

th at p rofe ss ion —whe re fore the c hild wa s taken o ut of th e

s a nctua ry a n d de li ve r ed to h i s uncl e to be s m o th e r ed i n
,

th e towe r .

I h ave no s e ns e of hu m or I n i ll u s t r ation of thi s fa ct I

—
.

—
wi ll sa y th is b y way o f confe ss ion th a t i f the re is a
h u morou s pa s s ag e i n the Pickwi c k Pa pe rs I h a ve neve r
b ee n able to fi nd it .

O n bo a r d tr a in B i ng ha m to n J ul y
, ,
2 3 , 1 8 8 5, 1 0 A . M
.

1 84
 MAR K TWA I N
i n th e recei ving vaul t a bu gl e r s tep ped out all alone in
,
“
f ront of the tomb and blew Taps ( put out the l i g h ts )
”
.

Thi s in t h e p resence of a great hos t of w a r veteran s who

h ad hea rd it eve ry night in th e camp s and o n battl efi el ds
of G rant s ca m paign of a sco re of y ea rs be fore
’
.

I w a s n ot th e re I s aw th e g reat p roc es sion A ugust 8

.
,

but wa s n ot at th e tomb .

Au gu s t 8 1 885 W i tn ess ed th e pas s i n g fu neral pa ge an t

,
.

of Ge n . G ra nt fro m o ur offi ce wi ndo ws i n 1 4t h St r eet ,

U nion Sq u a re ; five hou rs ; th en p l o w ed th rou g h th e s ide

w alk crowd up Fi f t h Avenue to 4o th St .

1 86
 CHAPTE R XI X

Turbulen t Y ears

F R O Man en t ry m ade Au g u s t 2 0 1 885 we fi nd , ,

th at t o d a te M a rk T w ai n has p a id to P a ige the ,

i nventor o f the t y pesette r mach i n e -

Most ,

o f h i s notes now conce rn The M a ch i n e J ust a s .

hu manit y w as going to be s av e d a yea r o r t w o

ea rl ie r b y the h istory game n ow th e w orld s s al,
’

vation l i e s i n t h e typesette r No r wa s he so f a r .

w rong He begi ns to esti mate th e retu rn s on

.

m a ch i nes b y the hu nd red and th e thous a nd Like .

h is o w n C ol S e lle rs he saw mil l ion s i n it And

”

righ tl y enou g h i i—h i s had only bee n the ri g h t

. .
,

m ach ine .

J E A N ( aged fi v e ) reque s ts me to tell a story to be b a sed

“
on a ki nd o f bus i ness copa r tn ersh ip bet w een a baw gun
”
st ri ct o r a nd a bu rgl a r .

Caes a r s Com menta rie s ( on the Gall ic Wa r and the

’

Civil Wa r ) a re the onl y books that t a ke rank w ith thi s

Like th is the y a r e noted for thei r s impl ici ty ,

n atu ral nes s and pu rity of style .

Wit a nd Humor—if any diffe ren c e i t is i n du r a tion

l i g h tn in g and e le ct ric l ight S a me material appa rently ;
but o n e i s vivid b rie f and c a n do d a mage—the o the r
.
,

, ,

fool s along and enj oy s el aboration .

Th e m ach i ne will not di m i ni s h t he nu m be r of p ri nte rs

bu t i n crea s e compos ition a nd make it much li g h t e r w or k
for bot h body and mi n d .

1 87
 MARK TWA IN
Som e o f th e not es a r e m ade i n —
Ge r ma n fo r
no p a rti cu l a r re as on except that he w as ve ry
m uch i nte rested i n the l anguage about th i s ti me .

A Ge rman cl as s u s ed to a s se mble at h i s house

and it wa s d u ri ng thi s pe riod that he wrote th e
Meisters c ha ft s ketch fo r th e C ent ury Mg a azi ne .

P ri nters a re pecul i a rl y well i n s t ructed men Th ey al l

.

kno w the h isto ry o f th e great l abor savi ng and s peed

-

enh a nci ng invention s a nd ,

the y kno w t hat no hos til ity i n
the w orld c a n s top s uch a m achi ne from coming i nto use ,

or even notabl y del ay it .

He real ized th at h i s inte re s t i n h i s va riou s

e nte rp ri ses took the form o f a hobby pe rhap s , ,

fo r j ust here he m ake s th i s note

A pe rs on sh o uld alway s h ave a hobby Ob s e rve h o w a .

s weethea rt fill s eve ry w aki n g moment to the b ri m and

make s l i fe a j ubil a tion Ob s e rve the mi s e r and the s uc
.

ces s ful s toc k spe c ul ator and p r op rietor o f va s t money

m aki n g indu s t ri es Ob s e rve th e s tudent in hi s s pecial ty

.

i n bees a nt s bugs foss ils —a n y s peci alty that i s ab s o r b

, , ,

. h r —
i n g B ut the obb y mu s t not be the es u t no o n l y the
l ,

plea s u re of worki n g [or t he r e s ul t a nd the fi n al t r i al of

,

a ccompl i s hin g i t .

Oct 3 1 885 I th i nk I h ave s t ru c k a good idea I t i s to

.
, . .

red uce a s e rie s of bi g m ap s to me r e p hot og ra phi c fl y

s peck s a nd s ell the m tog ethe r wi t h a m i crosco pe of on e
qua rte r to one i n c h focal d i s ta nc e .

Ext ravaga nt a s th i s idea m ay h ave s ee m ed a t

th e m o me nt it c a me i nto pra cti c al u s e ap p rox i
, ,

m ately d u r in g th e World Wa r Ma p s we r e re
, .

d uced ph otog r aphi ca lly to p ro port i ons so s m all

1 88
 MA R K TWA I N
w r i t e rs I eve r read Th e book m e ri ts
. it s e n o rm ou s s u cc ess ,

s imply a s l ite ratu re .

My book s a re w ater ; those of th e gr eat g e ni u s e s a re

w in e Eve ry body d ri n ks wate r
. .

Wh at i s biog raphy U nadorned romance W h a t i s t o

?
.

m ance ? Adorned biog raphy Adorn i t le ss and i t wi ll be

.

be tte r th an i t is

—
.

Speci al Providence ! Th at ph ra s e nau s ea t es m e wi th

it s i mpl ied i mport a nce o f mankind a nd trivi al ity o f God .

I n my O pin ion these my ri a ds o f g lobe s a re me rely the

blood co rp u s cl e s ebbin g and flowin g th rou g h the a rte rie s
of God and we but an imalcul ae tha t i nfe s t th e m di s ease ,

them poll ute them ; and God d oe s n ot k n ow we a re the re

,

a n d wo uld not c a re i f He did .

Nine tenths of th e pa g es o f hi s noteboo k s n ow

-

a re fi ll ed wi th c om ments esti mate s a nd t h e l ike

, ,

conce rn in g t he m ach i ne but occ a s ionall y he ha s

,

a dive r s ion l ike th i s :

A u g u s t 3 1 1 886 Reveal ed to Li vy my p roj e ct o f buy
,
.

in g the remai n s o f C hri stophe r Colu mbu s and pla c in g

them i n the ba se o f th e Statue of Libe rty Enl i g hteni ng
the World i n New York Ha rbo r No—rotunda o f the .

Capit o l at Wa s h i n gto n .

I n Wal e s the pa rson c ame to colle ct t ithe s Th e fa rm

e r s wi fe sa id — Pa r s on I h ave el even child r e n —w ill you
.

’ “
,

take one of th e m You take the tent h pi g wil l you h ave

?
,

the tent h c hild ?”

“
And i s tithe s a tenth of all a m an s crop al ive a n d ’

othe rwi s e Howeve r call it a tenth of the ani mal c rOp of

?
,

l iv e stoc k o nly and think what a f r ightful tax it i s on a

,

poor m a n I t do e s leave a g a p a s i f o n e of his fa m il y h ad

.

1 90
 N OT E B O O K
bee n take n Suppos e God had levied th i s t ax Upon th e
.

i ncomes of th e rich How lon g would it h ave remai ned i n

.

force ? A w e e k ? Try to i magi ne rich Godly En g l ish me n ,

p ay ing from to to the ch u rch and mak

ing no mu rm u r r a is ing no h e l l about it Wh a t a pity God
, .

didn t levy the t a x Upon the rich alone I woul d How

’
. .

eve r He kn ew t h e rich couldn t be forc e d to pa y it a nd

,
’

t h e poo r could With a ll h is b rut al iti e s a nd stu pidities and

.

grotesque ri e s th a t old H e b re w God a l way s had a good

busi ness he a d H e a l w ays stopp e d talki ng s hop ( piousne ss
.
,

s enti m e nt s w eetn e s s i n l i fe ) a nd c a me right down to

,

bus i n e ss w h e n th e re wa s a matte r conc e rni ng sh e k e l s on

h a nd Hi s comme rci a l s ati s faction i n th e cl i nk o f sh e k e ls
.

ru ns al l th rough h is Book—th at Boo kw hose ev e ry w ord

“ ”

H e i ns pi r e d a nd whos e ide a s w e re al l h is ow n ; a mong

the m the id ea o f l e vy ing a o n e t e nt h i ncome tax u pon -

paup e rs W e h e a r a gre a t deal about the i nte rior evidenc e s

.

“
of th e Di v i ne Origi n o f th at Book Y es ; and y et the
”
.

tith e t a x co uld h ave ori g inated i n hel l i f i nte rior evidence s

g o for a n y th in g .

April 1 2 1 887 Day before yeste rday I encou ntered

,
.

M rs Ha rriet B ee che r Sto we o n the s ide w al k She took

. .

bo t h my h a nds and s aid w i th st rong f e rvenc y th a t s u r

p ris e d the moistu re i nto m y e y es I a m r ea di ng you r
Princ e and P a up e r fo r th e fou rth ti me a nd I kn ow i t i s ,

th e be s t book fo r you n g fol ks ever written .

Ma y 1 7 1 887 Dep ew tol d this last nigh t at the di nne r

,
.

“
at Ch a rl e s A D a n a s hous e : G re e l e y tu rn e d on the m a n
.
’

w ho wa s coll e cting mon ey to s a ve m ill ions o f y ou r fello w ‘

creatu r e s from going to hell and rema rk e d— I w on t give ,

’ ‘ ’

you a d a m n e d c en t There don t h al f enough o f them go

.
’

the r e now .
’

1 887 . Next May w ri te P r of F ranci s Wayl a nd th at I a m .

19 1
 MAR K TWA IN
r eady to pay th e you n g colored m an Charl es W Joh n , .

s on s way th rou g h t h e Yale Law School

’
,
.

Along i n the wi nte r of 1 887 and 1 888 th e r e

bl az e d i nto h i s b rai n a b rand new idea : -

D r es s up some good a ctor s a s A poll y on G reathea rt , ,

a nd the othe r B unya n ch a racte r s ; t a k e them to a wi l d

gorg e and photogra ph the m— Valle y o f the Shadow o f
“

Dea t h ; to othe r e ffecti ve pl ace s a nd photog raph th e m

”
,

a long w ith th e s cene ry ; to Pa ri s i n thei r c u riou s cos tu mes ,

pl a ce the m nea r the A rc de l Et oile and p hotog raph th e m

’

w i th th e c ro w d— Va nity Fai r to Con s tanti nopl e Cai ro

“ ”
, ,

Ven ice 20 inte res ti n g citie s and al w ay s make the m con

, ,

s p ic uo us i n th e c u riou s foreign c ro w d s by thei r cos tume .

T a ke them to Zul ul and I t woul d t ake t w o o r t h ree yea rs

.

to do the phot og raph ing an d cos t , b ut thi s s te r e

O ptical p anorama o f B u nya n s Pil gri m s P rog ress could’ ’

be exhibited i n al l cou ntrie s at the s am e t i m e a nd clea r a

fortune in a yea r B y and by I will do th is
. .

T w o thi ngs may oc cur to the reade r i n connec

tion w ith t hi s note fi rst th at i n hi s ide a l ay a
, ,

p roph e cy o f th e ci nematogr a ph and second th e

modes t e s ti mate of the cos t o f get t i n g h i s ente r
p rise u nde r w ay .

O ct obe r 4 1 887 I f i n 1 89 1 I find m ys el f not ri c h enou g h

,
.

to c a r ry out my s cheme of buyi ng Ch ri stophe r Col u mbu s ’

bone s a nd bu ryi n g them u nd e r the Statue o f Li be rty Eh

l ighten i ng the World I will give the idea to s omebody
,

who is ri c h enou g h .

For P ri n c et on Revi ew—to be w ri tte n i n A p ril 1 888 : I f ,

you atte mp t to c reate a wholly i magina ry i nciden t ad ,

ventu re or si t ua tion you will g o a s t ray a nd the art ifi cialit y

,

of the t h i n g wi l l be dete c ta ble but i f you fou nd o n a ,

[a t i n y o u r pe rso nal expe r i en c e i t is an a corn, a root ,

1 92
 MARK TWA I N
Mu rray Hi ll H ot el Ne w York Ma rch 1 4 1 888 I ca me
, , .

down h e re from Ha rtf ord S a turday the l ot h to di n ne r to

, ,

Hen ry I rving at Cha s A Da na s Su nda y eveni n g a nd

, . .
’
, ,

the memorable bl izza rd h a s s no w bound me h e re eve r-

s ince Not a t rai n he re from Ha rtford s i nce e a rly Monday

.

mo rni n g M rs Clemen s w as to come down today a nd we

. .

we re goi ng to Was h i n gton tomo r row Of co u r s e s he will

.

not come till eve ryth in g i s s moo th a g ai n I can t g e t a .

’

telegr a m nor a telephone to he r nor she a m e ssage to me

, .

A Bos ton friend i s b ette r o ff : He c a bl e d Bos ton th rough

London a nd g ot an a n s we r back p romptl y ove r the s a m e
long road .

1 94
 CHA PTE R XX

W rit in g
“Th e Y an kee

BY TH E absenc e o f a n i rreve rent p ress Eu rope for a

,

thousand yea rs has existed m e r e l y for th e advantage of

h a l f a dozen se v e nth rate f a m il i e s ca ll ed Mon a rchs and
-
,

s ome hu ndreds o f rifl raff s a rc a sticall y called Nobl e s Ou r.

— —
p a p e rs have o n e pecul i a rity it is Am e rican it exists no
w her e eb b th e i r i r r e ve rence
-
. M
ay th e y nev e r lose a nd

nev e r modi fy i t Th e y a re i rreve rent to wa rd p r e tty much

.

e ve ryth ing but wh e re they l a ugh on e good king to d ea th

, ,

they l a ugh a thous a nd c ru e l a nd i n f a mous sh a ms a nd

sup e rs ti tion s i nto the gr a v e and the accou nt i s s q u a r e d
,
.

I rreve rence is th e ch a mpion o f l ib e rty and i t s only su r e

defe nse .

How su p e rbl y b r a v e is the E ngl ish m a n i n the p r e senc e

o f the aw fules t forms of d a nge r a nd d e a t h ; and ho w ah

j ec t i n t h e p res e nce o f a ny a nd al l forms o f h e redit y rank

.

A re w e asked to b e l i e ve th a t t he vote of a w hol e n a tion

would volu nt a ril y s a ddl e u pon its e l f any form o f he r e d ~

it ary mona rchy and he r e dit a ry nobil ity ? Th e n w e m ust

al so bel ieve th a t i t w ould i n the s ame w ay app rove th e
re s t ricting the offi ce ring o f it s a rmi e s and navies to p e r
—
,
“
son s of nobl e degree whi c h i s on it s face i m pos s ible
”
,

absu rd .

R a nk i n the a rm y i s s ti l l re s t ricted to th e nobil ity—b y

a th in g w hich is strong e r th an l aw— th e po we r of a ncient
h a bi t and su pe r s titi on Let a common e r becom e a n offi ce r
.

—h e will be s nubbed by all h i s b re th ren os t r a cize d d riven

, ,

I 9S
 MAR K TWA IN
Th e Vi ct ori a —
C ros s who g e ts
it ? I n t rep id common e rs ?
Do not deceive you r s el f Exa mi ne the V C records. . . .

The kingly offi ce i s e nti t l ed to no r e s pect I t w as orig .

in ally p roc u red by th e hig hwayman s method s ; i t re main s

’

a pe rpetu ated cri me c a n neve r be anyt h in g bu t the s ym

,

bol o f a cri me I t is no more entitled t o res pect th a n is

.

the fl a g of a pi ra t e A mona rc h whe n good i s e n titled to

.

th e cons ide r a tion wh ich we accord to a pi rate w h o keep s

Sunday School between c ri me s ; when bad h e i s en ti tled to
none at all B u t i f you cro ss a ki n g with a p ros titute the
.

re s ul ti n g mongrel pe rfectl y s atisfie s the E ngl is h idea o f

nobil ity Th e ducal house s o f G reat B ritai n o f today a re
.

mai nl y de ri v ed from t his ga udy combi nation .

To th i s day E ngl i s h men reve re the memo ry o f N el l

Gwy nne an d s peak of he r w ith a s ma c k o f u nconscious
,

e nvy They s eem t o conside r he r a s o n e o f t he pec ul ia rl y

.

fortu n a te o f th i s world They keep he r po rt rai t at Ham p

.

ton Cou rt amon g s ome more t rea s u res o f the s a me s o rt ;

,

they s tudy he r p i ctu re a s h i s to ry with afl ect io n at e p ride ;

they val ue a ny r a g or rel ic wh ich he r touch h as made
hol y ; they a re a s excited and plea s ed ove r a ny n e w f a ct
conc e rn i ng he r a s a devot ee woul d be ove r a g a rment
wh i c h h i s f a vorite s ai nt h ad u s ed .

Ma rk Twai n a t th i s t i me wa s writi n g h i s
n r
’ —
Yan kee i n K i g A rt u s C ourt a te rrible a r
h
raig n m en t of royalty and nobil ity —a nd h i s m ind

w as fill e d with i n s t a n c es and examples Hi s blood .

g rew hot remem be ri n g them .

Th e re a r e s ha m s a nd s ha ms ; t he r e a re fraud s a n d
fra ud s but the t rans p aren t es t o f al l i s t he sc epte red one
,
.

We s ee mona rchs m eet and go th rough s olem n ce r e

m o n i es fa rces with s t r aight c ou nte n a nc es ; but i t is not
, ,

po s s ible to i ma g i ne them m ee t i ng i n p rivate and n ot

l aughin g i n ea c h othe r s fa c es ’
.

The sy ste m ha s for its end the de gr ada tion of t he m an y

1 96
 MAR K TWA I N
t uries ago a n d th a t the fa mily h ave h ad a ri g h t to it eve r
,

s ince We ca n ge t th at fa r wi thou t a ny t rouble but th e re

.
,

th e all egory fa il s ; for th e bee s would a ttack th e bea rs

eve ry day for a thousand yea r s You ca n make a ma n .

u nde rs tand ho w ti me tu rn s a wrong i nto a right but you

—
,

ca n t make a bee u nder s tand in h is p res ent undeveloped

’

s tage Wh at the bee l acks i s th e th ri ll of a w e He will get

. .

that by and by then h e wi l l be a ve ry good Engl ish man

, .

Let us ta ke th e p re s ent mal e s overei gn s o f the ea rth

an d s tri p the m naked Mix the m wi th 50 0 naked mec h an
.

ics and th e n ma rch the whol e a rou nd a ci rcu s ri n g ch a rg

—
, ,

i n g s uit a ble a dm i ss io n of cou rs e and desi re th e audi en c e

, ,

to pick o ut th e sove rei gn s .

The y couldn t You would have to pai nt them bl ue You

’
. .

ca n t tel l a kin g fro m a c oope r ex c ept you difl erent iat e

’

th ei r exte ri ori ty .

Wh at i s the c h ie fe st p ri vilege remai ning to nob ili ty ?

Th at you s hall not l a u g h at it No othe r class i s exempt . .

I f you w ould know ho w vast a p rivilege it is ob s e rve th at ,

to accord it to any t h in g or being or idea i s to g ive i t

, , ,

ete rnal l i fe .

No g od a nd no rel i g ion can su rv ive ridicule No ch u r ch .

,

no nobil ity no roy a l ty o r othe r fraud ca n fa c e r i di cul e i n

, ,

a fai r fiel d and l ive .

The re a re i n Co nn e cti cut a t t h i s m ome n t a n d i n all

,

cou nt ri es ch ild ren and d isa g reeable r el ative s c hain ed in

c ella rs al l so res welt s worm s and ve rmi n —Ca s e s com e
,

.
, , ,

to l i g h t eve ry l ittle w h ilb t wo r e c en t ca s e s i n ou r s tate

- .

Th i s i s to s u gge st that the thi n g i n man wh i c h make s h i m

c ruel t o a s l ave i s i n h i m pe r manently a nd w il l n ot be
rooted out for a m ill io n yea r s To admit t hat s l ave ry .

e xi s ts i n any count ry i s to ad mit that you m a y des cri be

an y for m o f b ru t al t r ea t m ent wh i c h you ca n i m a g ine an d

1 98
 N OT E B O O K
go the re and fi nd i t h as bee n i ma gi ned a n d appl i ed before
, ,

you .

Find absol ute powe r u n re s t rai ned by a t rai ned publ i c

O pi nion and y ou will kno w w ithout goi ng to i n q ui re that ,

le D roit d u S eig neur exists th e r e Obs e rv e i t existed i n

.
,

Scotl and ; t h e r e a re tr a ces o f it i n E ngl a nd you fi nd it,

lodg e d i n th e big medici ne m a n o f v a rious s a vage t ribe s .

I n s om e s a v a ge l and s it w as a n h on o r to th e gi rl a nd h e r
fa mil y I n mod e rn ti me s i t is a n h o no r to a subj e ct to be
.

r eign e d ov e r ( th a t i s to h a ve h is l ibe rty d e b a uch e d ) by a

fami l y c al l e d roya l—a f a mil y wi th no dec e nte r right th a n
a m e dici n e m a n The s tupid loyalty o f tod ay i s the s ame
.

se n t i ment u n a lt e r e d th at m a de le D ro it poss ible and the

degrad a tion is the s ame i n qual ity and q uantity—the form
,

o f it is ch a ng e d that i s al l
,
.

Lo ya lt y is a w ord wh ich has worked vas t h a rm ; for it

“
h a s been m ade to t rick men i nto being lo ya l t o a thou ”

s ta nd i ni q u itie s w he rea s th e t ru e loy alty should h ave bee n

,

to th emselv e s — in w hich c a se the re would h ave ensued a

r ebe ll ion and the th row in g off of t hat decep ti ve yoke
, .

N ot e for Yan kee

Th e fi r st th in g I w ant to teach is disloyalt y till th ey ,

g et used to dis us i ng th a t w ord loyalt y as repr es enti ng a

v i rtue Th is w ill b e g e t i ndependence—wh ich is loy alty to
.

on e s b e st s e l f and p ri ncipl e s a nd thi s i s often disloya lty

’
,

to th e g ener a l idol s a nd f e tis hes .

I use com pul sion i n est a bl ish i ng m y s e v e ral b reed s of

P rote s ta nt ch u rches b e c a use no m is s io n a ryin g h a s eve r
,

been accompl is hed e xcept by force wh i c h w as not con

t e m p t ible b y comp a rison of the pal tr y r e s u lt wi t h t h e
g i g antic outl a y of cas h a nd l abo r .

Th e building of the Mansion House : A di s sente r could

not be She riff of London becau s e he would h ave t o t ake
,

1 99
 MAR K TWA I N
th e Sa cra m en t a cco rd in g to th e An gl ican Rite The Ci ty .

p ass ed a by la w fi ning any ma n 40 0 pou nd s who refu s ed

-
,

to run ( for She ri ff ) w hen a s ked a nd 60 0 pound s for re ,

fus ing to s e rv e afte r be i n g el ected A bl ind ma n and a

, .

bedridden one we re th u s robbed o f a thousand pou nd s

each I n th i s way pou nds we re col l ected —
e nough
t o bu ild the w hole M an s i o n Hou s e i n t h at day—
.

a h un ,

dred yea rs ago .

I n a consti tutional—fi gureh ead—mona rchy a royal ,

fa mily of chi m p a nze es would ans w er e ve ry pu rpos e be ,

wors h i pe d a s abj ectly by the nation and be cheape r , .

I nstea d of gi vin g the people decent wa g e s Chu rch and ,

gent ry and nobil ity made them w ork for the m for n ot h
ing p a u perize d them then f e d them with al m s a nd pe r
, ,

suad ed them s elve s th at al m s giving w as the hol ie s t work

-

o f G od a nd th e give r s u re to go to heaven whe rea s o ne

, ,

good wa g e-give r was worth a m ill ion o f the m to the Stat e .

“
Th e device of loyal ty to Ki ng o r Pa rty s houl d be a
”

s heep He i s the coun t e rpa rt and exactest t w i n and rep re

.

sen t at i ve of the Ki ng s s l ave and the Pa rty s sl ave F ol

’ ’
.

—
lo ws h i s le a de r to hel l o r h ea ven it s al l one to hi m he ,
’
,

ha s n t got indepe ndence enou g h to think i t any of h i s

’

bu s iness .

Sep te mbe r 1 2 1 888 Read B rown i n g l a s t n i g ht i n a p ri

, .

vate hou s e to 1 30 people th e l adie s i n the maj ori ty Have

,
.

made s pe ec he s several ti mes at ba nquets whe re hal f we re

l adies Have read and lect u red a good many ti m e s at
.

m a ti n ée s w he r e of cou r s e l ad ies we re l a rg ely i n th e m a

j o rit y .

I n all s u c h pl a c es fa il u re may be co u nt e d U pon I n fa ct .

har dly a n y th ing ca n p r eve n t i t b ut a ca r efu ll y org an ized

20 0
 MARK TWA IN
dete rm i n ed repr es s io n chokin g it down a n d keep ing
,

s ign s o f it from s ho w i n g on the outs ide .

I n hi s l ate r yea r s Ma rk Twai n m i g h t h ave

revi s ed h is opi nion of f e male au di ence s Lon g .

before h i s death th e conventi on th at res trai ned

,

women from ope n demonstration of thei r enjoy

ment h ad disa ppea red He frequentl y and wi th
.

great del ight talked or read to col leg es l ike

B a rn a rd and always c ame home enthus i a sti c
,

ove r h i s recep ti on .

Also h a d he l ived u ntil today he m ight h ave

,

found les s to rave about conce rni n g ki n g s He .

coul d h a ve t rans fe rred hi s ani mu s to dictator s .

For any ma n or w oman not ri ch or o f nobl e rank th e re ,

was a n i m a gi na ry d ifl eren ce between E n g land and hell a ,

hund red ye a rs a go .

Th e i n s tituti on of Royal t y i n any fo r m i s a n in s ult t o

th e hu man race .

The m a n w ho bel ieves the re i s a man i n the w orld who

i s be tte r th a n h i m s el f me rel y because he w as born royal
—
or noble i s a dog wi th the soul of a dog and at bott om i s
,

a l ia r
.

I f th e ma s te r of a ki n gd om i s s o i m portan t t ha t God
will n o t ent ru st h i s appointment to men but appo i n ts h i m
H im s el f it then follow s that the m a s te r of that ma s te r is
,

a still m o re i mpo rtant office r and so th i s one mus t espe

c ic lly be divi nely a ppoi nted The refore one i s l og i c ally
.

— “
com pelled to s ay Nel l G wy n ne by the G r a c e o f God
,
”
mon a r c h o f G reat B ri t a i n et c .

P eo pl e s ee m to t hi nk t hey a r e ci tize n s o f th e Republi c a n

20 2
 N OT E B O O K
Pa rty and that th at is pat rioti s m and s u ffi ci e ntly good
pat rioti s m I p refe r to be a citiz e n of the U n it e d St a tes
. .

Octobe r 1 5 1 888 I fou nd ye st e rd a y that a p romi nent

, .

citizen ( w ho has t w o s ku nk fri e nds o n th e Stre e t Boa rd )

h a d at l as t s ucceeded i n ge tti ng th e l ight mo v ed from
the Gillette St re e t corne r to th e mouth o f For e st Street ,

th u s leaving o ur g a te s s moth e r e d i n Egy pti a n d a rkness .

Th e city gove rn ment h a s don e m e m a n y a m e an trick ,

i n s ixt ee n yea rs a nd I stood th e st r a i n a nd kept th e

,

p ea ce ; bu t to frightfully i nconv e n i e nce me to accom m o

dat e a p e rson l ike the said citiz e n w as a l ittl e t oo m uch .

So I w e nt do w n l ast night and cont ract e d fo r electric

l ight at m y ow n cost and pol ice p rotection at my ow n
,

cost an d took m e asu r es to t r a ns fe r my citizensh i p t o s ome

,

oth e r to w n So a ft e r n e x t J une I s h a l l h ave th e sat is fac

.

tion o f p ay ing a poss ibl y ve ry l arge t ax eve ry yea r to

s ome to w n i n w h ich I do n ot l iv e and p ay ing n ot a cent ,

i n H a rtford any more foreve r e x c e pt o n the hou s e and ,

g rounds .

As w e he a r no more o f th is viol ent sel f bani s h -

m e nt p e rh a ps i t neve r bec a m e o ffi ci a l He m a y .

h av e r e fl e ct e d th a t to vote i n H a rtford h e must

rem a i n a citizen and he did l ike to vote there
,

wi th T w ichell and the othe r s .

Publ ish in g Memo r andum

She rma n ( Li fe o f) p rove s to be u np rofitable Dema n d .

a reconst ruction of cont ract pl acing po we r i n m y h and s

w h e r e it belongs Refus e d ?Go i nto cou rt S e cond : De mand
. .

dissol ution Go i nto cou rt Ca n I be held fo r debts m a de

. .

beyond the c a pital ? I will bu y or s e l l out .

Si nc e the s p ri ng o f 1 886 the th i ng h as gon e strai g h t

,

do w n h ill to w a rds s u re dest ruction It must be b rou g h t

, .

to a n end Feb rua ry 1 at al l h aza r d s T hi s is fi n al

, , . .

20 3
 MAR K TWA I N
Th at i s to s ay hi s publ i s h i ng en te rp ri s e s o
m agn ifice ntl y s ta rted by th e G r ant Li fe—had
,

been steadily go i n g dow n h ill eve r s i nce Fu r

t h erm o re all h i s ava ilable c a s h—all he could ea rn
.

a nd borro w—wa s g oin g i nto th e t ype mach ine I t

,

“
w a s easy to see that th e bus i ne ss mu st be b rou g ht
to a n end b y F e b but i t w ould go on steadily
.

d ecl in i ng for anothe r six y e a rs afte r that it —

would t a ke th e p a ni c o f 93 and 94 to give it its ’ ’

fi n a l qu ietu s .

Novembe r 2 3 1 888 At noon w as com in g up a back

, .
,

s treet ; t w o poorl y d ressed gi rls one about ten the othe r , ,

twelve o r th i rteen yea r s ol d we re j ust beh ind me ; w as ,

att racted by th e mu s ical voice o f th e elde r o n e a nd slo w ed

down my gai t to l isten ; by and by the youn g e r s aid
“ “
Yonde r th ey a re Way down the st reet
don t you s ee ? The el de r t h rew b ack he r h e a d and
’ ”

“ ”
gush ed out a l iqu id h oo oo-oo-oo h ! The mos t melodi - -

o us not e th at eve r i ss u ed fro m h u man l ips it s eemed to ,

me Noth ing h a s eq ual ed i t i n my hea ring but the rich

.
,

—
note of th e woodth rus h I r e s olved to t ra c k that ch ild
home an d d id She ente red a poo r fr a me dwelli n g next
.
.

“
to and no rth of a fra me building th a t h a d a sign Si
gou rn ey Tool C o o n it s f ront Then I fol lo we d th e
. .

you n g e r g i rl home at l east to a house i n front o f John

,

Hooke r s gro u nds So I sh all be abl e to fi nd on e or the

’
.

othe r by an d by I mea n to educate that gi rl s voice She

,
.
’
.

wi ll m ake a s ti r i n th e world s u re .

One wonde rs i f he eve r remembe red i t a g ai n

—
.

He had m a ny s u c h i m pul se s s ome of the m he

followed to fulfill m e nt He had educated Ge r .

h a rdt di scovered q u ite accidental ly ; he had p r o

,

v ided mon ey fo r the d ra mati c edu c ati o n of Wil

l iam Gill e tte and the re w ere oth e r i n s tan c e s of

,

th e sort B ut the d rai n u po n h i m wa s ve ry heavy

.

20 4
 M A RK TWA I N
Laid i nto the n otebook a re two exa m pl es o f
the types ette r s work—s atisfa cto ry exampl es
’
.

B ut th en almos t i mmed i ately Paige be g an t o

—
ti nke r with it pe rh aps the re w as need—perhap s
, ,

i t w a s only P a ige s pe rn ickety habit of not bein g

’

abl e to let well enou g h alone Two day s l ate r .

comes anothe r note

Monday Jan 7
“
,
. P . M .

Th e fi rst p rope r n a me eve r set by thi s new keyboa r d

w a s Willia m S hakspeare I s e t it at the above hou r ; a nd
.

I pe rceive now th at I see th e n a me written that I ei ther

, ,

m is spel led it the n o r I h a v e m isspelled it now .

Th e S pace ba r did it s duty aided by th e e lect ric con

,

n ec t io n and s team and sepa rated th e t wo word s p repara

, ,

to ry to recep tion o f t he s pace .

Su rely the te s t of a novel s c ha ra cte r s i s t ha t you feel a

’

s tron g i nteres t i n t he m and th ei r aff ai r s—the good to be

s uccess ful the bad to s ufl er fa il u re Well i n Joh n Wa rd
,
.
,

you feel no divided i nte rest no discri minati n g i nte re s t

,

you want t h e m all to l and i n hel l togethe r an d ri g ht away , .

A s th e co w and the —
Ch ris ti an
th i nk I mean that
p roc es s which th e cow and the Ch ri s t i an re g a rd a s th i nk
i n g when t h e s ub j e ct i s rel i g ion and the eviden c es
,
.

A few mon th s a go I wa s told th a t th e J oh n s H opki n s

U n ive r s i ty h ad g ive n me a deg ree I natu rally s uppos ed
.

th i s c on s tituted me a Membe r of the Faculty and s o I ,

s ta rted i n to hel p wh at I could the re I tol d them I be .

lieved th ey we re perfe c tly c ompetent t o run a c olle g e a s

fa r a s the h i g he r b ra n c h es of edu c ation a re c on c e rn ed ,

but wha t t hey n eeded was a l ittle hel p he re and the re

f ro m a p r a c ti c al c o m me rci al man I s aid th e publ i c i s
.

s e ns itive to l ittl e th i ng s and they wouldn t have full con

’

fi denoe in a coll eg e th a t did n t k no w h ow to s pell Jo h n

’
.

20 6
 N OT E B O O K
Howeve r one th in g s e emed ce rtai n enough a nyw ay
, ,

the d e gree constituted me a membe r o f the gove rni n g

body and doubtl ess the head o f it ; s o I pr oc eeded Upon
th a t
.

Ma rch 9 1 889 No more expe ri ments ( on th e mach i ne )

,
. .

Definite w ork a lone l e ft to do Fou r months su re ; th a t is

.
,

J ul y 1 0 NO ne w d e vic e s o r inv e ntion s

. .

I t h a s a tragic sound tod a y Evidently h e did .

n o t kno w P a ig e yet .

M a rch 1 1 M a de th i s p roposition to Mrs Rich a rd s on

. .

tod ay : Th a t i n l i e u of th e p resent contract s h e d r a m a tiz e ,

th e P rince a nd P a up e r fo r m e ; I to p a y he r $ 50 0 upon
d e l ive ry o f th e m a nu script to me June 1 o r J ul y 1 be h e r, ,

work good o r b a d I f t he pl ay s ucceeds I to pay he r an

.
,

othe r $ 50 0 ( th i s to be the fi rst $ 50 0 r e cei v ed by me a s

p rofits ) a ft e r th at I to p a y h e r $ 5 eve ry ti me th e p ie ce
,

i s pl a ye d She will ans w e r Th u rsd a y

. .

I n t h e m a tte r o f pensions Engl a nd h as neve r m a de a n y

di sti nctions b e t w e e n publ ic s e rvice a nd p riv a te sh a m e e x ,

c e pt to p ay h igh e st for the l a tte r Cons id e r th e Dukes of .

G r a fton a nd Richmond a nd the p rogen y of Nel son Eng .

l and p e nsions the rich w hore w ith mill ion s th e poo r p rivate ,

w i t h a s hill ing a month sh e wa s alway s s habby and a

,

h u mbug .

“
Ma rch 2 2 1 889 Mothe r s aid, to L ivy, Wh a t i s the
,
.

name o f the s ister of

“
M r s Co rn i ng ?
.
”

“
Yes M rs E ra s tu s Cor ni n g
,
. .

I w a s p re s ent Livy explai ned th at t h is wa s ge nu ine

.

ment a l tel eg raphy for no mention had been m ade of the

Co m in gs Las t wee k fou r or five day s ago—o ccu r r ed some
.

20 7
 MARK TWA IN
M
t alk abo u t rs P ruy n of Alb any th e s iste r un de r co n
.
,

s ide rati on .

I p ropos ed t o take down the th ree s enten ce s im m edi

ately a nd doubted i f even i m medi ately would be s oon
,

enou g h to get the m exactly so u n s u re a th in g i s hu man

,

tes ti mony It i s agreed th at th i s repo rt is ex a ct

. .

You know how ab s ent mi nded Twiche ll ( Rev J H ) i s

-
. . .

a nd how de s ol ate h i s face i s when he i s i n th at fra me At .

s uch ti me s he pa ss e s th e word with a friend on the street

a nd i s not a w a re o f the meeti n g at al l T w ice i n a week .

ou r Cl a ra ( a g ed 1 5 ) had th i s l atte r expe rience with h i m

withi n th e pa st mon t h B ut the s econd in s tance was too
.

m u c h for he r a nd s h e woke h i m U p i n h i s t rack s wi th a

rep roach—she s aid
, ,

“
U ncl e Joe w h y do you al w ays look a s i f you were j ust
,

goi n g down i nto th e g rave when you meet a pe rson on ,

th e s treet ?”

An d th en went o n to reveal to h i m t h e fu ne real s pe c

tacle wh ich he p res e nted o n s uch occa s ion Well sh e h a s .
,

met T w ichell th ree ti mes s i nce then a nd would sw i m th e ,

Co nne cticut Rive r to avoid meetin g h i m th e fou rth As .

s oon a s he s i g hts he r no m atte r h ow publ icly placed no r

, ,

ho w fa r o ff s h e i s he m ake s a bound i nto the ai r hu rl s

, ,

a rm s a n d legs i nto al l sort s o f frantic g estu re s of del i g ht ,

and s o comes p rancing ski ppi n g a n d pi rouettin g fo r he r

,

l ike a d ru nke n I ndi a n ente rin g heave n S he feel s a s e m .

h a rra ss ed a s the Al mi g hty .

Elm ira Augus t 1 8

, , 1 889

We h ave bee n he re t wo m onth s i n whi c h ti m e B r e r W, .

( Whitmore h i s bu s i ness se creta ry ) h a s written me so m e

,

th ree me re note s about the m ach ine I w rote on c e a nd .

a s ked hi m to tell me anyth i ng the re was to tel l from ti me

to time NO an s we r Wrote hi m and a s k ed hi m to keep
. .

F r ed i n p r a cti ce wh ile t he ma c h i n e i s sto pped N o a ns we r . .

20 8
 MARK TWA I N
was fo r t h i sthat M r G ull wa s granted Kn i g h th ood th a t
.
,

d oo rm a t at t h e th re s hold of nob il ity Whe n th e P ri n c e

.

s ee m e d dead Mr Gu ll deal t blow a fte r blo w betwee n th e

.

s houlde r s b reath ed i nto hi s n ostril s an d li t e r ally c h eated

, ,

Death .

Mona rch y Wh y i s i t ou t of date I t belongs to the

? ?

s tate of cul tu re that ad mi res a ri n g i n you r nos e a head ,

f ull of fea t he r s and you r bell y pai nted bl ue .

That kind of so — called hou s ekee pin g whe re they h ave

s ix B ibl es a nd no corks crew .

Th at gove rn ment is not bes t w h ich best secu res me re

l i f e a nd p rope rty—th ere i s a more val uabl e th in g—man
hood .

I al w ay s come to i ntroduce Sta nley eve ry t i me he goe s

o fl to h u nt up s ome m i s l aid pe r son i n Af ri ca and get s
'

Will ia m Pen n a c hieved th e dea thle ss gr a titude of t h e

s avage s by me rely deal in g i n a squa re way with th em
we ll —ki nd o f a squa re way anyhow—more re c tangul a r
,

tha n th e s avage w as u s ed to at a ny rate H e bou g h t t h e .

whol e s t a te o f Pen nsylvani a from t he m and paid fo r i t

l ike a m an —paid $40 w o rth of g l a ss bead s a nd a c ou ple
of s ec ond hand bl a nket s Bough t the whol e s tate fo r tha t
- . .

Why you c an t buy it s legi slat ure fo r t w ice the mon ey

’

n ow .

Memoranda c once rn i n g the ma c hi ne and its

— —
t roubl e ts s hortcomi ng s become monotonou s
i ,

but j u s t one more to s how the tortu re o f m i nd

,

he m u s t have e n d ur ed .

2 10
 N OT E B O O K
Decembe r 20 1 890 About th ree week s a go t h e ma c hi n e
, .

“
wa s p ronou nc e d finish ed by Paige for ce rtai nly th e
”
,

h a l f d ozenth ti m e i n th e past t wel ve months Then it

-

—
.

—
t ranspi r e d I mean it w as d iscov e r e d that North had
fail e d to i nsp e ct the perio d a nd it som e ti me s refu s ed to
,

pe rfo rm p rop e rl y B ut to corr e ct th a t e rror w ould take

.

— “
j ust o n e da y a nd o nly o n e d ay the m e r e st t rifle i n the
,

world I s a id th is sort o f m e re t rifl e h a d i nte rfe red often

.
”

be fore a nd h a d al w a ys cos t ten times as m uch ti me a nd

mone y as thei r loos e c a lcul a tions p romis e d Paige a nd .

D av is knew ( th e y al way s kn ow nev e r g u e ss ) th at th i s,

correction w oul d cos t but o n e singl e d a y W e ll the bes t .

,

p a rt o f t w o wee ks w e nt b y I d ropped i n ( l a st Monday

.

noon ) a nd th e y we re s til l ti nk e ri ng Still tink e rin g bu t .

,

j ust o n e ho ur no w w ould s e e the m a chi ne at work ble m

, , ,

is hless a nd n e ve r stop agai n fo r a generation ; the hoa ry

,

Old song th a t h a s b ee n s ung to wea rine ss i n my c ars by

the se fr a ud s a nd l ia rs !

Dece mbe r 2 9 . The on e hou r l asted til l l a s t Thu rs day ;

it w as r e po rted to me by Wh itmor e t h a t it g ot to w ork
'

a ga i n th at day . The ne x t d a y I sent down a new ( p ro

posed ) cont r a ct p repa r e d by Robinson .

The m ach i ne b roke do w n agai n t hat day ! Remains so

s ti ll
.

Feb ru a ry 7 1 89 1 Satu rday ni g h t 1 0 o clock Wrote a

, ,
’
.

note to Paige say ing I no w hold mysel f as r e leased fro m

a ny fu rth e r efl o rt or exp e nse i n behal f o f t he m a chi ne
'

I tol d h i m tod ay th a t th i s w as goi ng to be my l as t n egot ia

tion and th e n I w as done ; th at I s hould no t r enew t h e
,

i ns u rance or pay out any more money !

B ut th i s was open m uti ny not onl y a s to ,

Paig e b ut h i m s el f He h ad got t o a poi nt w he re

,
.

he did not own t h e m ac h in e t h e m achi ne ow n edb

211
 MA R K TWA I N
hi m H e mi g h t pe rh ap s have t hrown th e wh ole
.

t hi n g ove rboa rd p res en t it to Pai g e in a word

—which may h ave been though it i s b y no
,

m ean s ce rta i n j us t wh at th e l atte r wanted

, .

( C opy of lett er to G as C o m pan y)

Ha rtford Feb , .

De a r S i rs
Some day you will m ove m e al most to t he ve rge of
i r ri tation by you r chu c kl e headed Godda mned fa s hi on of
-

s hutti n g you r Godda mned g as o ff wi t hout givi n g any no

ti c e to you r Goddam ned pa ri s hione rs Seve r al ti mes you .

ha ve come wi th i n an ace o f s mothe ri n g h al f of th i s hou s e

hol d in th ei r b ed s 8c blowi ng up th e o th e r h al f by th i s
idi oti c not to s ay c ri mi nal cu stom of you r s And it h as
, , .

h ap pe n ed a g a in today Have n t y o u a t eleph o ne ?

.
’

Ys
S L Cl em e n s
Feb ru a ry 2 0 I t i s more th a n two w e eks s ince I h ave
s ee n Pai ge o r the ma c h ine Am deep i n work—the D a te
.

” “
and Fact ga me Col Selle r s
,
”l
etc.
, .

H uck comes back s ixty yea rs old from nobody k n ows

whe re —and crazy Th i nk s he i s a bo y a g ai n a nd s cans
,

al wa ys eve ry face for Tom Becky etc , , .

Tom come s at l ast from s i xty yea r s wanderi ng i n th e ’

world a nd attend s Huck and toge th e r they ta l k o f ol d

,

ti mes ; both a re des ol ate l i fe h a s bee n a failu re all th at

, ,

wa s lovable al l th at wa s beau ti ful i s u n de r th e mold

,
.

They die tog ethe r .

Ma rk Twai n we n t b a c k to H annibal in 1 90 2 ,

wh ile Joh n B ri ggs h i s old pl ay m ate wa s s ti ll

, ,

T he Sel le rs st o ry here m en ti oned w as t he A merica n C lai m “

‘
,

pub hed
lis in 1 89 2 .

212
 M A R K TWA I N
would be left a fte r tur n i n g ove r mon ey r eq ui r ed

g h as tl y s i tu a ti on Th ey h a d deci ded U pon Eu ro

.

pean res id ence The H a rtford hou s e thei r home

.
,

fo r seventeen yea rs f ull o f bea u tif ul mem ori e s

, ,

wo uld be

2 14
 CHAPTER XXI

Europ ean R es iden ce

M AR K Tw a m a nd hi s f a mil y s a iled on the

G as c og ne J u ne 6 1 89 1 M rs Cl e m e ns w as l a st
,
. .

t o l eav e t h e house th e hom e s h e w ould neve r

,

ente r ag ain .

At Sea
Ju ne 6 ,
A ( fi.r sM
.t b reakfa s t ) w en t to it —then
put do w n for s econd b re a kfa s t Before the s e hou rs
6 to 9 —y ou c a n h av e c o fl ee te a a nd a n e gg o r chop to
,

, , ,

st ay y ou r stom a ch .

One d e ck st ewa rd to passen g e rs B egan a t n i ne

to h unt for h i m and p ray to h i m—got the order t o hi m at
.

at he h a s n ot a pp ea r e d a nd I h a ve retreated
,

from th e s ight of th e sta rvin g fa mily .

A w om a n sp rings a sudden reproach u pon y ou w h i ch

p rovokes a hot retort—and then she wi ll p r e s e ntl y ask
you to a pologize .

T w enty youn g wh eel men payi n g a specific sum apiece ,

i n cha rge of a personal condu ctor w h o w he e ls t h em al l

ov e r Eu rope and r e l ieve s them o f a ll c a r e a nd e x p e nse .

With such s e a s as thi s th ey could p racti c e on th ese lon g

d e ck s al l d ay i f th e y chose .

One m a n say s they do p racti ce t w o hou rs a fte r m id

,

ni g h t and s pi n along s ilen tly l ike g hos ts .

Th e s t r e n uo us i ns i ste nt m umed b urr or buzz o f t h e

215
 MA R K TWA I N
p ropell e r fl an ge like th e h um mi ng bi rd s b uzz—l ullin g
,
’

a nd not u npl e a sant .

J u ne 8 Ce rt ai n l y th e s u n n ies t and mos t beauti ful day

th e Atlanti c eve r s aw B ut l ittle sea—though what th ere is
.

would be s eriously felt on a s malle r ves s el Thi s one ha s .

no motion .

The phos phorescent wave s at nigh t a re ve ry i ntense o n

th e bl ack s u rface
L ife p r e se rve r s Squ are bl oc k s o f c ork—Ni chol son
.

p a vement—o ve r my head s upport ed on s l a ts

I have ofte n ye a rned to kno w how you g et the m do w
.
,

n
and ho w y ou use them a nd I thi nk it a m a rk o f the pe r
,

fect io n of my n a tive p roc rasti nation that I conti nu a ll y put

it o ff A re t he re ten i n our 30 0 w h o hav e done di ff erently
.
?

Divan s al l a round a g reat sq u a re s alon occ upied by ,

s ilent fol k i n the s quea mi s h s ta g e A pi ano i n th ere .

h at e d b y the a bove .

Contra s ts bet w een th e men u h e r e and th a t of th e old

Cuna rde r wi th th e candl es o ut at eleve n without notice
, , .

J u ne 1 1 1 89 1 Th e lonel in es s o f a s h ip a t 4 A
,
. S aw . M .

j ust one pe rson for a n i nstant fl it th ru the g ray o f

yes te rda y s da w n Ve ry rou g h—wind s s i n gi n g—fi rst wet
, ,
’
.

deck El e c t ri cs s eem to bu rn di m Smoki n g s ty s tun k un

. .

endu rabl y .

“
Su s y : ( o f the F rench ) Thei r ges ti cul ati on s a re so o u t
”
of p ropo rti o n to w hat they a re s ayi ng .

H e ll or Heidelbe rg wh i c h eve r y o u come t o fi rst

, , .

Th i s i s the fi r s t h i n t o f the s t o ry he wa s to
w rite a few yea rs l ate r c all ed The an w h o M
C orrupt ed H ad leyburg ; at lea s t t h e fi r s t h i n t o f ,
“ ”
t h e sen te nc e H ell o r H adleyburg .

2 16
 MAR K TWA I N
Th ree i di ots took a boa t j u s t as I wa s wal ki n g to th e
Beau Ri va g e and s oon w e re bei ng sw ept do w n to w a rd the
b rid ge they p aw in g t h e w ate r i nnoce n tl y w ith thei r ig
,

n o ran t oa r s Th e o w ne r o f the boats wa tched a w hile then

.

s en t a boat a fte r th em and s aved them so the worl d i s ,

bette r off by th ree fool s .

The rive r for mile s i s a ra g i n g pl ane o f whi te cap s ; t h e

Mistral i s j us t howlin g .

Higg i n s on v is i ti ng E m ily Di cki nson a t h e r fa the r s ’

house in Amherst 1 870 : ,

“
I t was at he r fath e r s house one o f tho s e l a rge s qua re
’
,

b ri ck m a ns io ns so fa m ilia r i n ou r olde r Ne w E ngl and

t ow ns su r rou nded by t ree s and bloss o min g s h r ub s wi th
,

out and wi th i n exqu is itely nea t coo l s paciou s an d f ra

, , ,

gr an t with flowe rs ”
.

The e th e r e is an y region on t h e con ti n en t of Eu rop e

whe re s u c h hous es e xi st I h ave neve r foun d it
,
.

A s long a s ti me s h al l l a s t h i s to ry will s pit i n En gl a nd s

,
’

face for h e r t reach e ry to Na pol eon s t ru s t i n he r So m e ’

.

h a ve l ooked a round for th e cue and found i t i n En g l and s

,
’

f right E xcu s e s mu s t h ave been s ca r c e when th at on e wa s

.

ch os en .

Fol lowi ng the Rh one t ri p t h e family s e ttled in

Berl i n w h e re the next ent ry i s made
,
.

—
The h i g he s t of al l p rofe s sion s the s til l in g of h um a n
pai n—t he s avi n g of huma n l i fe .

Whe n you l ie low ho w wel come i s th e face of t h e d oc

,

tor i n th at ti me of un ce rt ainty when you can t tell fo r

,
’

s u re j u s t whe r e yo u a re goi n g to .

And w i thout a doubt B e rl i n i s th e pl a ce to co me to to

fin i s h y o ur m edi c al ed u cati o n for c e rt ai nly i t is a lum i
,

218
 N OT E B OO K
n ou s ce n te r of i ntelli gen ce —a pl ace whe re th e l as t poss i
b iliti es of att a i nm e nt i n all th e sciences a re to be had for
the seeking Be rl i n i s a wond e rf ul city for th at so rt of
.

oppo rtunity They teach every th i ng here I don t bel i e ve

. .
’

the re i s anyt h ing i n the w hol e ea rth tha t you ca n t l e a rn ’

i n Be rl i n ex ce pt th e Ge rm a n l anguage It is a des pe r a t e
.

l an guage The y th i nk i t i s th e l angu a ge of con ce n tra ti on

. .

Th ey hit c h a cattl e t r a i n o f wo rds togeth e r an d ves t i bul e ,

it and bec a u se the re is n t a b reak i n i t f rom one e nd to

’
,

th e ot he r they t hi nk that i s co ncen tr ation a nd th e y call it

, ,

so An Offi ce r g a ve me th is word th e othe r day got i t out

.
,

of a n aval h andbook
I wrote a ch apter on this l angua ge 1 3 yea rs a go a nd ,

t ried my l evel best to i mp rove i t and s i mpli fy i t for th e s e

— —
peop l e and th i s s th e r es ul t it merely con centrates th e
i
a l ph a be t wi th a s hovel I t h u rts m e t o kn ow tha t tha t
.

chapte r is not i n any of th ei r textbooks a nd th ey do n t ’

use it i n th e U ni ve r s iti es I f I co ul d get an I m pe ri al de cr ee

.

it w oul d h el p th e refo rm along .

B u t th e fact i s th ey ou g ht t o adopt ou r l a ngua ge It is so .

s imple and ea s y wherea s ( he re follo ws a lon g in v olved

,

Ge rm a n sentence ) B ut neve r mind abou t tha t you are

—
.
,

he e to lea rn you a re he re t o pe rfe c t y ours el f i n your

r

g reat call i n g And that i s th e th ing to do A hal f e d uc a ted

. .
-

p hys i ci a n is n o t valuabl e He t hi n k s h e c a n cur e every

.

Thi s note was eviden tl y pa rt of an addres s t o

medi c al studen ts .

We h ate the cri tic a n d t hi n k h im b rut all y a n d mali

cio us ly un j u s t but he coul d reto rt wi t h ove rwhelm i n g
,

t ruth : You wi ll fee l j u s t as I do about you r book i f you

wi ll take i t U p a nd rea d i t te n yea rs he nce ”
.

M ove fro m K o rnerst rasse to Hot el Ro y al U nter den ,

2 19
 MA RK TWA I N
Li nde n 3 1 De c e m be r 9 1 —s ix c h am be rs a n d one di ni ng
’

room and one pa rlor .

Le ft the fam il y the re a nd on th e 4t h day o f J a n 9 2 .

’
,

Li vy an d I went down to I lsen bo rg i n th e Ha rtz Moun

—
t a in s o s tens ibly fou r but really s eve n hou r s from Be rl in
, .

Sta y ed eight day s i n the hou s e o f Pa s tor Obe rm a n He .

a nd hi s wi fe lovely peopl e Th e s toves i n o ur pa rlor and.

bed room not s atis facto ry I caught a he a vy cou g h . .

The en ti re s oc iety o f the villa g e consisted o f the old

F ii rst i n vom Reus s he r daughte r the P ri ncess a nd th e
pastor and h i s wi fe —fou r people We m a de it six
, ,

. .

Th e doctor and h is wi fe w e re not i n s ociety ; h e w as a

bak e r s son a nd cl i mbed t o h is doc tor s h ip by native g ift s
’

a nd h a rd w ork .

The s econd eveni n g th e F urst vom Stol be rg We r -

n igerod e and h i s son ca me ove r on t h e a nnual vi sit to hi s

s iste r the old F urst in He i s a ve ry h andsome man and

, .
,

th e p roudes t u n royal p ri nce i n Ge rm an y and th e richest , .

He b rou g h t s eve ral ca rri a ge load s o f you n g p ri ncesse s -

wi th hi m Ou r pa rty of six ( w h ich i ncl ud e d th e doc tor and

.

his wi fe ) w e re the only people th e re b e low the rank of

p ri nce Li vy a nd I s hook h ands with the F ii rst a nd pa ss ed
.
,

on a nd I mis s ed s eein g th e a w ful th in g that fol lo w ed :

,

Th e docto r s wi fe p ut o ut h e r h and a nd th e Fu rs t let on

’

th at he didn t see i t Poor thi n g i n s tead o f tak i n g wa rn

’
.
,

i ng s he rai s ed he r hand h ighe r i ma g i ni n g h e h adn t s ee n

, ,
’

i t H e igno red i t I t w as t ra g i c She had a c ry that ni g ht

. . . .

We c ame away at m idni g ht a ft e r a good s u ppe r a n d a ,

plea s ant and soc i a bl e ti me I m ade th e u s ual nu mbe r o f

.

bl u nde r s i n m atte r s of eti q uett e .

The ni g ht be fore we ca me away th e old F ursti n a n d the

P ri n c e ss ca me ove r to s uppe r a nd s pent the eveni n g Th ey .

a re lovely peo pl e a nd good E n gl i s h s chol a r s The F ii rs t in .

i s a poet too I s p un ya rns and s he tr a ns l ated the m to t he

, .

company .

2 20
 MA R K TWA I N
at a gl a nce the con ten ts of a c ol u mn B ut h ere I m us t s pell .

the col u m n th ro u g h and i t takes a n hou r ,

.

Whe n the Ki ng and Qu ee n of Wurt em be rg we re here

“
the y double b an ked the Holy Land wi th soldi e rs who
”
,
“
s houted : H e s coming !” ’

I would l ike to be E mpe ro r a w h i le .

App a rentl y he h a s al mos t recovered f ro m t he

fie rce a tta c k of ki n g phobi a th a t h ad cau s ed -

hi m to rage th rough th e pe ri od of wri ting th e

,

Yankee i n K i n g Art h ur s C ourt

’
.

Feb 1 4 P rof Hel m holtz called

. . . .

The Co u rt G azette of a Ge rman pape r c a n be cove r ed

wi th a pl ayin g c a rd I n an Engl i s h pape r th e m ove men t s
- .

of ti tled people take up about t hree ti mes th at room I n .

t h e pa pe rs of t h e Republ ic of F rance from s ix to s ix t ee n

ti me s a s much The re i f a duke s dog s ho ul d cat c h a cold
.
,
’

in t h e h ea d t hey would s top t h e pres s to ann oun ce i t and

c ry ab o ut i t I n Ge rm any th ey res pe ct ti tl es i n En gl and
.
,

th ey revere them i n F ran ce th ey adore t hem , th a t is the

,
.
,

F ren c h n ews pa pe rs do .

B ee n tak en for Mom m s en t wice We h ave t h e s a me .

h ai r, but u pon exa mi n a tio n i t w as foun d th at our brai ns

we re difl eren t .

Th i rty day s s i c k s h ed—full de —

o f i nte re st r ead th e
bates a nd g et exci ted ove r the m thou g h I do n t u nde r ,
’

s ta nd By readin g keep i n a s tate o f ex ci ted i g norance

Like a bl i nd man i n a hou s e afi re- flounder a rou nd—im
. .

m en s ely bu t u ni ntel l i g entl y inte re s ted do n t know how

’
, , ,

I got i n a nd ca n t find the way out b ut I a m h avin g a

’

boomi n g ti me al l to m y s el f .

“ ”
Do n t know wh a t a Sc h elges et zentw urf i s bu t I keep
’
,

a s exci ted ove r i t a n d as wor ri ed abo u t i t a s i f i t wa s my

2 22
 NOT E B OO K
own child I s imply live i n th e Sch it i s my daily bread
.
-
.

I wouldn t have the q u es tion s et t led for anyth ing i n the

’

“
world Es peci a lly no w th at I h ave los t the Offen tl ic h e
M
.

ilit h rge ric h ci rcus I r e ad all th e debates o n th a t q u e s

”
.

tion wi th a nev e r faili ng i nt e rest but all a t once th e y

-
,

s prung a vote on me a cou p le of d ay s a go a nd d id s om e

th ing by vote of 1 0 0 to 1 43 but I co ul d n t fi nd out wh a t
, ,
’

i t w as .

H e re they r e cogn iz e t w o sects Cathol ic a nd Luth e ran ,

( w hich ap pea r to difl er from ea ch oth e r n ea rly as m uch

a s a r e d h ea ded m a n di ffers from a n aubu rn h ai red m a n )
- -
.

Th e se rec e ive State sup po rt ; and th e i r s chool s r e c e ive

Sta t e s u pport Ot h e r sect s a re ta x e d to s up po rt these s e ct s
.

and sch ools a nd have to run t h e i r o wn ch u rche s and

,

school s a t th e i r own cost I t i s i nfamous . .

Just as i n fa mou s as i t is w ith us—w h e re no chu rch

p rope rty i s t a x e d and so the i nfidel and t h e a th e i s t and
th e m a n w i thou t r e l igion a re t a x e d to m ake up t h e defi c i t
i n th e p ublic i ncome th u s caused .

I w en t to chu rch t h e fi rs t Sunday a nd on Tu es day cam e ,

a tax o f tw e l ve m a rks fo r chu rch s upport I h av e n ot bee n .

s inc e I ca n t afl o rd r e l i giou s i n s t ru cti on at th at p rice

’
'

. .

On ly th e rich c a n be s av e d here .

Feb . D i ned at Gen e r a l ( l atel y Lt Gen ) von

20 , 1 89 2 . .
- .

V e rsen s 1
Sat a t th e right h and of th e E mp e ror Hi s
’
. .

b ro t he r Pri nc e H e i n rich sat oppos ite P ri nc e Radol i n

, ,
.

( Ch a mb e rl i n ) fu rth e r along ; fou rt e en at t a bl e ; mai nly

great m il it a ry and naval p e opl e T wo o f my fri e nds b e .

s ides the von V ersen s we re there R o t t enbo rg a nd Rudolph .

Lindau both of the Forei gn Offi ce A ft e r di nn e r s ix or

,
.
,

ei g ht Offi ce rs c a me i n and al l h ands adjou rn ed to the bi g

,
“
roo m ou t of the s moki n g room a nd held a s mokin g pa r -
,

‘
Gene ral von Versen had m arried a secon d or third cousin of
M k Tw
ar ain .

223
 MA RK TWA I N
”
liam en t, afte r t h e style of th e an c ient Pot s da m one , ti ll
mi dni ght, when th e E m pe ror s hook h and s and left 1
.

Feb 2 6 Day before y este rd a y t h e E mperor made a

. .

s pe ech ( a s Ma rk g raf of B randenbu rg ) to th e l ittle B ran

d en b urg Pa rl iament a ss embl ed he re at a banquet in t h e
, ,

P al ace Co mpl a in ed s ha rply of the g ru mble r s who a re

.

d i ss ati s fied with th e go ve rn ment a nd s ugg es ted th at i f

they don t l ike t he way th ings a re they h ad better s hake
’

the Ge rm a n s and out of thei r s l ippe r s and l e ave .

Th e speech ha s made a great s ti r Th at o f the odi ou s .

( p roposed ) Sch ulg e setz a nd th e l ack o f b read a nd w ork

,

res ulted i n a mob g athe ri n g i n front of the P a l a c e yes

t e rd ay, o f eople ou t of work They uttered revol utiona ry
p .

c ri es B ake r s b read was distributed to the m but they

.
’

th rew i t away .

At Jea n s s ch ool t hi s morn i n g t he ch ild re n w ere for

’

bidde n to s peak o f th e m atte r bu t s aid they would tel l

he r out of s chool .

Cro w d s of th e p roleta ri a t d rifti n g up a n d down the

Hol y Land tod ay but t h e Empe ror rode out a s u s u a l ,

and a fte r hi m I s aw the whole force of royal ca r r ia g e s fol

lo w ing—apparen tl y al l the royal wome n and all th e ch il
d ren h ave tu rned out to s how t hat they a re not a fraid .

He w a s sti ll fa r from well and wa s com manded ,

by h i s doctor e i t h e r to remai n i n hi s r oom o r go

to a w a rme r cl i mate He chos e the l atte r a nd .

with M r s Cl e men s w e nt to Mentone i n the s out h

.
,

of Fran c e then to Italy ,

.

Pi s a Ma r ch 2 5 8t 2 6 E c ho i n B ap t i s te ry i s the n obl e st
,
.

a nd s weete s t a n d riches t and mos t re s ona n t and lon g

s u s ta ined m u s i c al s tra i n i n t he world It i s nea re s t l ike a .

c hord of flutes pe rhap s or one of th os e o rche s t r al com

—
, ,

b inat io ns i n Wa g ne r w ith s ilve r horn s i n it bu t noth i n g

Fo r a full er acco un t o f w ha t ha p pened at this din ner sec Ma t

Tw ain — Bi g a o ra h
p y, Ch ap ter C LXXIX .

2 24
 M A R K TWA I N
God s s ake
’
—
don t st i r I
’
—
wi ll p ray I will p r a y th e Vi rgin
to do a mi r a cl e an d s ave us ; s h e wi ll h ea r me oh my God , ,

she s u rely will And s traight w ay h e beg a n t o p ray Th e

.
”
.

E n gl ish m e n s tood qu a ki ng wi th fright and wholly with ,

out fai th i n th e man s p raye r B ut all at once th e fu riou s

’

s n a rl ing of the dogs ceas e d at th r e e st e ps distant—an d

.

—
the re w a s dead s ilence A fte r a moment my friend w ho
c oul d no lon ge r endu re the a wf ul s uspen se tu rn ed—and
.
,

th e re w as th e m i racle s u re enou g h : th e gentl eman d og

,

h ad mou nted the l ady dog and both h ad forgo tten th ei r

sol e m n d uty i n t h e ecs ta s y of a h ighe r i nt e res t !
Th e stran g e rs w e re sa ved and t hey reti red from t ha t ,

pl a ce wi th th ankful hea rt s Th e gu ide w as i n a frenzy of .

p iou s gr a ti tude and exultation and p raised and g l orified ,

“
the Vi r gi n without s tint ; and fi n a ll y w ou nd up wi th B ut
you—you a re P rotes tants ; sh e would n ot have don e it
for you ; s h e di d it for me o nly me—p ra i s ed be sh e fo r -

eve rmore ! and I wi ll han g a pi c tu re o f i t i n th e c h u rch

a nd i t s hal l be anothe r p roof th at he r lovi n g c a re i s still
”
wi th h e r ch ild ren w ho h u mbly bel ieve an d adore .

B y th e ti me th e d ogs g ot u n a tt ached the me n were five

miles from th e re .

Su nda y May 2 2 1 892 T ri ed to make th e Joh n sons

M
, ,
.
,

B ro wns Sa rah Or n e J ewett

,
rs Jame s T Field and , . .
,

M r s Wa s h i ngton u nde r s tand ( with Cla ra s hel p ) th e old

.
,
’

puzzl e of W hi tmore taki n g m e a rou nd the loop i n h i s

bu ggy Of cou r s e they all l aughed and l au g h ed a t my
.
,

s tupi di ty a t fi r st, b ut it w as a puzzle before they got don e

wi th it .

It p roble m t ha t f rom ti m e to ti m e
w as a
p un l od h im all h i s l ife The d riveway i n Ha rt .

fo rd led pas t the ho us e t o a l oop Drivi n g in one .

“
day wi t h F G W h i tm o r e Cl emen s s a id : Wh it
. .
,

mo re go around to t he l eft wh e n we r eac h t h e

,

2 26
 N OT E B O O K
l oo p t h e n when we come back to the hou s e I
,
” “
s h all b e o n the s ide next the s tep No s a id
”
.
,

Wh itmor e i t won t m a ke an y d ifl erence w hich

“
,
’

way w e go a round th e loop t h e res ul t w ill be

—
,
“
th e s a me you w il l be on the outs id e Try i t ”
.
,

s aid Cl e m e ns a nd Wh itmore did so wi th the

, ,

res ult as he had p rophes ied Cl e mens ho w eve r .

, ,

w as s till u nconvi nced and m a d e h i m t ry it again ,

going a rou nd the l oop fi r s t o n e w a y a nd then the

oth e r i n s is ti ng th a t th e re mu st b e a diff e rence i n
,

the re s ul t H e confe ssed h i s mist a ke at l as t b ut

.
,

all h is l i f e it t roubl e d h i m and i n a l mos t eve ry

,

on e o f h is notebooks th e r e is a di agra m of t he

loo p a nd an attempt to s how th at his fi r s t con

elus ion wa s c orre ct .

J u ne 29 ( on a t ri p ba c k to Ame rica ) Lake Shore a n d .

M i ch iga n Southe rn and N Y Central Today a m a n . . .

ti med th e t r a i n an d said we were m a ki n g 65 m iles an

hou r T he port e r s a i d w e s ometimes m a ke 70 a nd that
.
,

ove r a distance o f 40 0 miles w e avera g e 62 Ove r t here .

t h e fa s tes t t rai n g oes from Frankfort to Na uhei m i n fo rty

mi nutes—2 5 m il es I t takes the exp r ess nin e h o u rs to go

.

from Be rl i n to F ra n kfo rt Slow . .

He was b a ck i n th e typesett e r tangle aga in

and th e e nt a nglement of h i s busi ness a ff ai r s His .

l i fe could h a v e been so s im ple s o un h arras sed , ,

b ut fo r th es e t h in gs .

U n ion
League Cl ub noon I b r eakfa s ted he re yes te rday
M
.
,

abou t ten Sat a round ti ll 2 P

. s hould say Loa fed dow n .

to G lenh em Hotel and i n my r oom enjoyed t h e p rodi gi o us

down pou r of r a i n awh ile ; then went to bed—th ree or fou r
P. M .and w as soon ab so rbed i n Th e Litt le Mi niste r wi th
,

s hutte rs clos ed and gas lit Ho u rs a n d h o u rs a fte rwa r d s

.

2 27
 M A RK TWA I N
no idea h o w m an y fo r no cl ock s we re i n hea ri ng b ut m y
, ,

i ns ti nct and th e di mi n i sh ed street voice s a s su red m e it

w as about 2 A M —I s udde nl y thought My wat ch h a s
“
. .

ru n down of cou rs e and I hopped o ut of bed got th e ,

th in g from m y ves t on a wall hook and put i t to my ea r

Y es i t wa s s ilent Ope ned it took a ca rel ess gl anc e —ap
.

M
.
, ,

p a re n tly 1 1 :3o P Bee n s topped more than t w o hou r s

— —
. .
,

I said z l i s tened no tick hea rable ; w ound it up clos ed ,

it ; afte r a moment u nclos ed i t a nd l istened to m a ke s u re

it had sta rt ed up a g ai n ; i t h ad n t ; s hook it l istened s hook
’
, ,

i t a g ai n t h en i t s ta rt ed up a nd I pu t i t back i n t h e v e st
,

—
pock et a nd retu rn ed to bed I fi ni s hed m y book a s q ui ckly
a s pos s ible s ay i n h al f a n hou r—th e n rus hed my s el f t o
.

s l ee p to c aptu re what wa s l ef t of th e n i g ht ( mo r ni n g )
, .

Wh en I woke I fel t w el l r e s ted U p Ros e a nd looked at

m y watch 6 A MT ru e ti me i s about
.

- . . I s aid and ,

o rder e d b reakfa s t a nd t he pape r b rou g ht t o my room .

A te th e b reak fa s t re a d th e Worl d th rou g h wrote a le tte r

, ,

o r t w o be ga n A Wi nd ow i n Th rum s ; by and b y d ress ed

,

and w e nt up F i fth Aven ue noticed the cl oc k in front of

h -

—
Fi fth Avenue H otel took out m y watch to set i t By .

Geo rge i t a nd the clock we re p rec i s el y tog ethe r !—1 o : 1 4

, .

W h at w as i t th at ca ll ed me o ut of bed the ve ry i ns tant

th at my watch h ad ru n down and s topped t h e ni g h t
be fore ?
Th i s i s th e ve ry cou nte rp a rt of M r C hi l d s adve nture .
’

wi t h h i s wat c h i n Floren c e
, .

The fa mily w e re a t th e Vil l a Vi vi ani nea r ,

Fl o ren c e and h e p re s e ntly retu rn ed to t hem

, .

Sett i gn a no Ma rc h 4 1 893 :
,
PM M r Cl evela n d
,
. .

h as been P res ident now two o r t h r ee h o u r s no d o ub t , .

D ri vi n g from P rat o thi s a ft e rnoon a c hi ld da rt ed a cros s ,

t he road un de r th e nos es o f t h e h o r s es wa s k nocked ,

22 8
 MARK TWA I N
Ap ri l 7 Di n ed wi th Rudya rd Ki p li ng
. an d wi fe Cha rle s
.

Wa rr en Stodda rd the re .

The note s w h ich follo w sou nd d r ea m mate ri al ,

an d th ey we re :

Monday n oo n Ap r il 1 0 At the Pai g e c ompos it o r—Con

M
.
,

n ect i c ut C o 1 8t h a nd B road w ay ti ll 2 :30 P

.
, F ifty . .

mach in e s well alon g i n building One wi ll be fi ni s hed J ul y .

1 P re s e n t ca paci ty of facto ry o n e ma c h ine a day Fa cto ry

. .

t o be b ui l t whe n loc a ti on decided U pon five m ach i nes ,

a day .

Con s ide rin g p ropos i tion of fi ftee n m ill ion company o n e

hou r from Ch icago They off e red to g ive th e Co nn Co
. . .

two mi ll io n doll a rs of thei r bon ds all the l and t hey n eed , ,

an d five m i llion cash i f they wi l l build a fa ct o ry o n t h ei r

,

lan d Th i s p ropos i tion i s i n writi n g

. .

Th e company i ntend to m a rke t mach in es

( re n ted ) wi th all po ss ible dispat ch All the p ri nte rs a re .

h u rryin g th e company .

Th e abo ve m ach i ne s a re for this count ry alone .

Th e com pany tells me th at my royalty wi ll be col

lect ible on all forei gn m achi nes manu factu red by the m .

B y the en d of th i s yea r th e company will be m akin g on e

m a c h i ne a day n ex t yea r t wo—the yea r a fte r five
, ,
.

The fi fty now in th e wo rks will be com fl et ed one a ft er

t h e o the r soo n .

Wh at a ch il d he wa s : t he co mpany a n d the
factory we re no more th a n th e ai ry fab ri c o f
Pai g e s vi s ion The re wa s no r eal man u fa ctu rin g
’
.

pl a nt no m achi ne s u nde r way ex c ep t i n Pai g e s

, ,
’

i ma gi nati on Pai g e m u st have bee n a hypnotis t

.

to i m pos e s o repeatedl y o n Ma rk T w ai n B ut .

he i m pos ed o n othe rs a s well A t the end of th i s .

n ot e Cl em en s add s t h at the Co nn C o i s payi ng . .

h i m ( Pai g e ) $ 50 0 0 a month u ntil th e fi rst m a

2 30
 N OT E B O O K
c hine is sold or r e n ted B ut pe rh a ps . t a h t w as
j ust a p a rt of th e vision too ,
.

Put a l l you r e ggs i n on e b a sk e t—a nd w atch

b a sket And re w C a rn e gie
. .

M a rk T w ai n no w wen t to Ch i c a go takin g ,

y oung H a ll al ong a s secr e t a r y P a ige wa s i n Chi

,
.

cago by this tim e pos sibly n e goti ati ng t he m a tte r

,
“
o f th e l a nd w hich h a d been off e r e d Si x t ee n
”
.

d ay s fo ll o w i n g the d ream j ust r e l ated M a rk

”
,

T wa i n w rot e :
Apr il 2 3 1 893 Grea t N orthe r n Hotel Chica g o
, .
, .

Paig e c a lled th re e da ys ago He call ed ag a i n toni g ht I . .

as ked h i m i f h i s conscience troubled h i m any a bout t h e

w a y h e h a d t re a ted me He s aid he could al most forgiv e
.

me fo r that word He s aid i t broke his hea rt when I left

.

hi m and the mach ine to fight along th e bes t way they

could etc etc I tried to b ri n g h i m t o book a nd fi n a lly
,
. .
,

he said that he w as considering a cont ra ct o ff e r e d by h is

Land Co a nd h a d ca rri e d i t b a ck today modified i n th is
.

way I nste a d of acc e pting one h al f t hei r ca pi ta l stock o f

.
-

fi ft e en m ill ions h e h a d a m e nd e d th e contr a ct a sking for

,

on e h a l f a m ill ion doll a r s cash and n o s tock

- Th ey will .

ac cept o r rej ect th is p ropositi on tomorro w Th ey m ay .

a ccep t a nd o fl er h i m les s Whateve r they o fl e r h e w ill

.

tak e i n ca s h and s e nd me o n e h al f Wh e n h is E u ropean - .

paten t afl ai rs a re settle d h e i s g oing t o pu t me i n for a

,

h an ds ome royalty on every E u ropea n m a c h i n e We p a rted .

i m mens ely g ood friend s I n t h e l as t contract he

.

even g ot m e to ass ign my in te rest i n the forei g n

patents afte r I h a d al l th a t they had cos t up to th a t t i me
,
.

H e i s a ve ry e xt raordin a ry m an the s moothe s t talke r I -

e v e r s aw I t ri ed to i mp res s u pon hi m th at I w ould com

.

promis e and squa re matte rs for t w o or th ree h und red ad

dit io nal royalti es o n t he m ac hin W fo r less th a n t ha t
23 1
 MAR K TWA I N
i n deed a s I did not ca re for th e mo n ey i n v ol ved th e 50 0
, ,

royalti es p roduci ng much more tha n I s hal l eve r need ,

bu t t hen I wanted s ome t ri fling evidence th at I coul d

exh ibit to my s el f i n p roof th at I h a d not bee n deal t wi th
,

i n a n absol utely s h ameles s con s cienceles s w ay .

I n r e ply I g ot a n abundance o f g ilt-ed g e p rom i s e s b u t

nothin g more .

Cha rles E D avi s wa s here t w o o r th ree n igh ts a go He

. .

s aid he s ti ll hold s th e p a pe r wh ich Paige d ictated to h i m

o ne day to q u ie t h i m
, i n wh ich h e s ays th a t no m a tte r
,

wh at h appen ed h e and I would al w ay s s ha re and sh a re

al ike i n the res ult s o f the mach i ne o r w ord s to th a t e ff e ct , .

Paige s hed ev e n more te a r s th a n u s u a l Wh a t a t a l ke r he .

i s He could p e rsu a de a fis h to come o ut an d take a walk

wi th h i m When h e i s p re s en t I al w ay s bel i e ve h i m—I
.

c an not h e l p i t W h e n he i s gone away all the bel ief ev a p

.

orate s He i s a mos t da ring a nd maj estic l ia r He s a id he

. .

h ad put o n e m ill ion th r e e h u ndred thousand doll a rs i nto

th at m ach ine s ince h e bega n i t Then a s m uch as .

m ust h av e gone i nto and o ut of h i s l a rge pocket withi n

the l a st t w o yea rs H e i s ab s ol utel y frank i n h is con fes
.

s ion s o f mi s condu ct He s aid he neve r i ntended to s i gn

the Fa i rchil d cont ract—h e wa s onl y pl ayin g Fai rch ild
.

He me a nt to s coop s ome money out o f h im a nd h e did ; ,

th a t i s not hi s ex a c t exp res s ion I can not rec a ll t he word s

.

but they we re s til l more con s ciencel ess a nd at rocious than

th i s He s aid he got s eve ral thou s and doll a r s out of Fai r
.

ch ild He sa id he pl ayed Mal lo ry for al l he w as worth

. .

That h e n ev e r i ntended to h ave any de a l ings wit h Mal lo ry

f ro m the be g inn i ng bu t th at he got , ou t o f hi m
and m ad e h i ms e l f s trong and able to go ahead wi thou t
an y help from Mallo ry o r Fai rc hild .

to th i s poi n t th e not e wa s di ct a ted to H all

Up .

Cleme n s h i m s el f no w add s :
Said he paid th os e m e n ba c k a fte rwa r ds See m ed to , .

232
 MA RK TWA IN
Wh en a c ac kli ng he n fa r away and is s aying is
K -k k k k k x w ac x o ! you hea r n ot hi ng bu t t he fi rst
- - - -

syl l a bl e of he r l ast word — j ust a s in gle s tren uou s note ,

pitched on a hi g h key all the r es t i s los t in the in t erven

,

i ng di s tanc e At a di s ta nce th i s h end owl s note s ound s

.
-
’

l ike th at Clos e by i t is s oft and dovel ike an d it i s not so

ve ry u nl ike a fl ute not e I t i s qu ad ru ple ti m e—one u tt e r
.

a nce to th e ba r followed by th ree qua rte r note rests thu s

,
-
,

h -o -o -o h -o -o -o h -o-o -O -o
h -o -o -o -o
Th e monotony of i t i s m addenin g You beat ti me to it .
,

—
a nd cou nt t he b oot s a nd the rests you ca n not hel p it .

You cou nt til l you r rea s on reel s Lo w and s oft as the note .

is i t i s ma rvelously penetrati ng ; it bores i nto the s kul l l ike

,

a n auge r I t c a n dist res s you when it i s 1 50 ya rd s away ;

.

at a t h i rd of that di s tan c e i t i s u nendu rable Wh en you .

have cou nted fi fty boots an d 1 50 res ts you h ave reach ed

the l i m i t of hu m a n endu rance You mu s t t u rn and d r ive .

the c reatu re away o r you r mi nd will g o to ru i n .

To Hal l J uly 2 6 “i ll come ove r m id Oct obe r wi th

.
l -

idea for new ma g azi ne i f L A L [Lib r a ry of Ame r Lit ] ,

. . . . .

i s the n out o f the way .

Then p resentl y w e fi nd h i m a g ai n on th e way

to Am e ri c a That demon the machi ne h ad
.
, ,

call ed He was neve r able to re s is t that s u mmons

. .

Au gus t 2 9 1 893 S ailed from B reman with Cl a ra i n

, .
, ,

the Sp ree Ca pt Mei ss el Lu nched wi th M r Pl atte P res i

,
. . .
,

dent of the Nort h Ge rman Lloyd

S pree table ad m i r abl e—Kai s e r Wil hel m I I table de
.

tes table .

Too k room a t Playe rs Sep t 29t h , .

2 34
 N OT E B O O K
I n th e fi rs t pl a ce G od made idiot s Th i s wa s fo r .
p rac

t ice Then he made p roofreaders

. .

P roofre a d e r s could sti r M a rk T wa i n to ve ry

h igh fl ights o f w r a th Once to h is busines s pa rt .

ne r Web s t e r ( hi s n e phew by m a rri age ) he

,

wrote
Cha rley you r p roofre a de r i s an idiot ; not only an
,

idiot bu t bl in d a nd not only bl i nd but p a rtly dead

, , ,
.

Some of the s pacin g—m os t o f i t i n f a ct— is a bsol utely ,

d isgr a ceful but thi s godd a m n e d a ss n eve r s ee s it B y God

,
.

he ca n t see a n yt h in g ; h e i s bl ind and d e ad and rotten

’
,

and ou ght to be th rown i nto th e s ewe r .

Ja n 1 5 1 894 Th is i s a great date i n my h i s tory—a

.
, .

date wh ich I sa id o n th e 5t h would s ee Paige st ri ke h i s

col o rs A tele gram from Stone s ay s he h as don e it Y es
. .

t e rd ay w e we re p a u p e rs wi th but t h ree months ra tion s ’

of cash left a nd i n deb t my wi fe an d I but t h i s , ,

tel eg ra m makes us weal t hy .

I n all th e 40 notebooks the re is not a more

t ra gic ent ry t h an th at .

The re a re peopl e w ho can do all fine and heroic th in gs

but one—keep from tell in g thei r h appi ness to the un
h appy .

Love seems the sw i ft est but it is the slow es t o f al l ,

growt h s No ma n or w om a n re a ll y knows w hat pe rfect

.

love i s u ntil they h ave been m a rried a qua rte r o f a

cen tury .

Tod ay J an , . 1 9, s ent cabl e a t n oon t o Livy— Neari n g “

s u cc ess .

P —MM J an
r Ro ge rs offi ce The grea t Pai g e ’

Co m pos itor scheme con s u mmated At 2 PM I c abled

2 . .
3 1 . .

. .

23 5
 MA RK TWA I N
“
Libby Pa ri s A s h i p vi s ibl e on th e ho ri zon co mi ng d o w n
, , ,

und e r a cloud o f ca nvas

”
.

F rid a y Feb 2 1 894 Sent th is cable g ra m to Livy i n

,
.
,
.

Pa ri s l a s t n ight to be put o n her b r e akf as t pl ate th i s

,
“
m o rn i n g ( our 2 4t h an n ive rsa ry ) Weddi n g ne w s : Ou r ,

s h ip i s sa fe i n po rt I s ail the moment Roge r s ca n .

s pa re m e ”
.

L ivy s ans w e r t hi s mo rn i n g i s
’ “
We rejoic e with you -

a n d co ngratu l a te you o n you r w ell ea rn e d s ucces s ”

-
.

He h a d f a ll e n i n wi th the great o il fi nancie r ,

the e ld e r H H Rog e rs w ho h a d t a ken a h a nd i n

. .
,

h is afl ai rs Hi s drea m s e emed to be coming t rue

. .

A t h ing long ex pe c ted t ake s t he sh a pe o f the u nexpected

wh e n at l ast i t come s .

We can s ecu re othe r peopl e s app roval i f w e do ri g h t ’

and t ry h a rd B ut ou r ow n is worth a h u ndred o f it and

.

no w ay has been found out o f secu rin g th a t .

S h ips t h at P ass i n t h e Night Ge t t w o—s end one to .

Pa ri s
—th a t i s th e val uable th in g D ril l—d r ill—d rill
.

D r ill .

th at i s the p reciou s thi n g For from d ril l comes the auto .

,

matic a nd few th in gs in th is world a re wel l done u ntil

,

t hey ca n d o t he m selves I f teache r s w oul d but d rill

d rill —d ril l i n the l angu age ! B u t God neve r m ade a
.

la n gu ag e teache r out o f a s ane pe rson yet Whe n h e c a n t

-
.
’

g et a n id iot He won t pl ay ’
.

Oh Dea th whe re i s th y s ti n g ! I t h a s none B u t l i fe h a s . .

I t i s mo r e troubl e t o m ake a m axi m t ha n i t i s to d o

ri g h t
acV eigh — M
.

Wri t e A m ba ss ad or W ay n e how to s top

bomb-t h rowi n g .

Of all God s c rea t u re s t he r e i s o n ly o ne t ha t c annot be

’

m ade the s lave of the l a s h That one i s the c at I f ma n . .

2 36
 MAR K TWA I N
I n S pite of fai r ou tloo k a t t h e be gi nn i ng of th e
ye a r th e o n e defi nite th ing th at happ e ned th at
,

s p ring wa s t h e fail u re o f Charle s L W e bste r 8: .

Company Ma rk T w ai n s publ i s h in g hou s e The

,
’
-
.

b usi nes s wh ich h ad begu n so p rosperou s ly t e n

yea r s ea rl ie r h ad d w indle d to bankruptcy Yet .

i t wa s not all s orrow : Ma rk T wa i n wa s free .

Lo a ded wit h d e bt ( for he refused to s ettl e at l ess

th an th e face v a l ue o f h i s obl ig ations ) but free ,

from ha un ti ng u nce rt a i n ties Hi s friend H H .

,
. .

Roger s o f the St a nd a rd Oil Company took h i s ,

a fl ai rs i n h and and Mark Twai n h u rried back

,

once more to E u rope to fi ni s h hi s s tory o f ] oan

,

of A rc b e gun at Florence t w o yea r s before H e

, ,
.

s til l had f a i th i n th e mach i ne and h i s s pi rits were ,

h igh F rom Rouen w here he went to vi s it Joan

la nd m a rks h e w rote Roge rs—w ith g l ee we may
.
,

, ,

be s u re h is mos t rec ent adve n tu re

-
.

Dea r M r Roge rs.

You rs of th e 2 4t h Sep t h a s a r rived fill ed wi th pl ea s ant

.

ness a nd peace I would G od I we re i n my room i n th e

.

ne w house i n Fai rh aven so st I coul d h ave one good s olid

,
’

n i g ht s s l ee p I mi g ht h ave had one l ast n i g h t i f I h adn t

’
.
’

los t my temper fo r I wa s load e d up h i g h wi th fati gue ;

,

b ut a t t wo th i s morn i n g I had a W C cal l a nd j u mped . .

up i n th e da rk a nd ra n i n my ni g ht s hi rt and without a -

ca ndl e — for I bel ieved I knew my way Th i s hot el

—
.

A l
d ng e e e
’
t rr must be a conge rie s of o ld dwell in gs if i t
i s n t it i s buil t up i n a s e ries o f wate r ti g ht compa rt m ents
’
,
-
,

l ike t h e Ame rica n l ine r s that g o clea r to t he t op Y ou

,
.

c a n t g et out o f you r o w n compa rt ment There i s onl y

’
.

you r one h al l ; it ha s fou r r oo ms on each s ide of it a nd

a s tai r c a s e i n the m ids t ; woul d you th i nk a pe r s o n co uld
ge t los t i n s uch a pl a c e ? I a ss u r e you i t i s poss ible ; for a
pe rso n o f t alent .

2 38
 N OT E B O O K
W e a re on th e s eco nd fl oo r f ro m th e g rou nd The re s a .
’

W C on th e floor above us and o ne o n the floor below us

. . .

Ha ll s pitch da rk I gro ped my w ay a nd found the U ppe r

.

W C Sta rt ing to retu rn I wen t u p s tai r s i nstead of down

. .
, ,

a nd went to what I s uppos ed w a s m y room bu t I could ,

not make out th e nu mbe r i n the da rk and w as a frai d t o

e nte r it Th e n I re membe red th a t I—no my m i nd l os t
.
,

confiden ce a nd began to wande r I was no lon g e r s u re a s .

to w h a t floo r I w a s on and the m i nute I r eal ized th at

, ,

the r e st of m y m i nd went One c a nnot st a nd stil l i n a da rk

.

h all a t two i n th e morn ing lost and be content On e mu st , ,

.

move and g o on movi ng eve n a t the ri sk o f getti n g wo rs e

,

los t I g roped up and down a coupl e of tho s e fl i g h ts ove r

.
,

a nd ove r a g ai n cu rs ing to mysel f An d eve ry t i me I

,
.

th ough t I h e a rd s omebody com i ng I sh r ank t ogeth e r li ke ,

o ne o f t hose toy b a lloon s wh e n it col l aps e s Y ou see I .

,

w a s bet w e e n t w o fi res ; I could not grope to th e t o p floo r

and s t a rt fres h a nd cou nt dow n t o m y ow n fo r it w as all ,

occu pi e d by you ng l adi e s a nd a d a ng e rous pl a c e to g et

ca ught i n clo t h ed as I w as cloth e d and not in my rig ht
, ,

m i nd I coul d not g rope down to th e grou nd floo r and

.

count up for t here w as a ball down there A ball and

,
.
,

youn g l adie s l ikel y to be s ta rting up t o bed about th i s

ti me An d so they w ere I saw t he glow o f t hei r di s ta n t
. .

can dl e I f e l t the ch ill of t hei r di sta nt c ackl e I did not

,
.

kno w whethe r I w as on a W C floo r or not but I h ad to . .

,

ta ke a risk I g rop e d to the door that ought to be it

.

right wh e re y ou tu rn down th e stai r s ; and i t w as it I .

ent e r e d it gr a t e ful and stood i n its d a rk s hel te r wi th a

,

b e atin g hea rt a nd though t ho w h a ppy I s hould be to l ive

there al way s i n th a t hu mbl e cot a nd g o out no more
, ,

a mong l ife s t roubles a nd dan g e rs Se ve ral of the youn g

’
.

l a di e s appl i e d for admis s ion but I w as not rec e iving ,

.

Th u rs d ays bei ng m y day I m ea nt to fre eze ou t the b a l l .

i f it took a w eek A nd I did When th e d rone and bu rr

. .

of it s musi c h ad cea s ed fo r twenty m i n u t es a n d t he house

2 39
 MA R K TWA I N
w as s ol idl y dead and da rk I groped do w n t o th e gro u nd
,

floor th en tu rn ed a nd cou nted my way up home all ri g ht

, , .

Then strai ghtway my tempe r went up t o 1 80 i n th e

sh ade and I beg an to put it i nto form P res en tl y a n adm i r
—
.

“
i n g voice s aid Wh en you a re th rou g h wit h you r p r a y
e rs I would l ike t o a s k whe r e you h ave been
”
, all nigh t , .

T ru th i s s t range r th an fi ct ion—to s ome peopl e but I a m ,

mea s u r a bl y fa mil i a r w ith it .

I f you tel l the t ru th yo u don t h ave to re m e mbe r a n y

’

th ing .

No w th a t o ur s econd h and opinions i nhe rited from ou r

-
,

f a th e rs a re fading perh a ps it may be forgiv a ble to w rite

, ,

a r e all y hones t review o f the Vica r o f Wakefi e l d and t ry

to fi nd out wha t ou r fa th er s fou nd t o ad m i re and wh a t
not to s coff a t .

Now wh at was t he a cciden t t h a t b rou g h t S h ake s pea re

i nto notice a fte r two centu ries of ne g le ct a nd obl ivion
wa s i t a ch ance rem a rk o f a mona rch ? A n idea the r e ;
m a ke ki ng s read al l the ne w ( native ) book s ; and once
eve ry yea r p roc l ai m the na mes—j u s t th e n a m e s—O f the
few th at pa rticul arl y pleased them .

T ruth i s th e m ost pr e c ious th i n g we h ave . E con

o m ize i t .

I t ta ke s m e a long ti me to lose my tempe r b ut on c e ,

l os t I coul d not fi nd it w ith a dog .

H e wa s pe rfe c tly fra nk about i t and s aid he wa n ted

to go to hel l : s aid he had g ot u s ed to r eadi n g th e ( Pa ri s )
N Y H e r ald a n d co uld n t do wi t h ou t it
. .
’
.

240
 MARK TWA IN
Man h a s been c alled th e l a ug hing a ni m al to di stin gu i s h ,

hi m from th e othe rs b ut t h e monkey l au g h s and he h as

bee n ca ll ed th e a n i m al t h a t weep s—bu t s eve ral of th e
,

othe rs do th at M an is m e rel y a nd ex clus ively t he I m

.

modes t Ani mal fo r he is th e only one who cove r s h i s

,

n akednes s th e only one wi th a s oiled min d t he o n ly one

, ,

u nde r t h e domi nion of a fal s e s h a me .

Sunday morn ing : Six o r ei g ht peopl e who ca me ov er

wi th me i n t h e Pa ri s—th ree o r fou r o f th e m we nt up to
Lo ndon wi th ou r m ul ti m ill ionai re to be s hown h is g lory , .

I t w as a mont h a go ; b ut to th i s d a y th e se men can th i nk

o f noth ing els e tal k o f nothi ng el se They a re as h appy
, .

a nd stu nned an d ble ss ed a s i f th ey h ad been to heaven and

d i n ed wi th God .

Cl a ra s ay s i t ti re s he r to have t o keep on d ecidin g th a t

s he is n t s ick so pe rs istentl y and so wat ch ful ly
’
, .

N ew York May 1 8 1 89 5 Noon Ar rived a t 9 Cable

, , . . .

from London s ays th a t Ti c h borne Cl a iman t h as publish e d ‘

a n a ffi d a vit con fe s s in g th at he i s A rth u r O rton s on of a ,

W a pp in g B utche r I wa s i n London twen ty o r twenty t w o

.
-

yea rs ago d u ri n g hi s t rial for p e rj u ry and s pent a n

, ,

eveni n g i n hi s society with a nu mbe r o f h i s devoted ad

h e ren t s He h ad a m a rvelou s memo ry He played h i s pa rt
. .

we ll He w a s s ent up for fou rtee n yea rs ; s e rved h is te rm

.
,

the n c a me o ve r he re an d wa s a ba rtende r i n the Bowe ry .

J ean s c om men t on the E mpe ror o f Ge rmany s di nn e r

’ ’

“
i nvi ta tion : Papa th e w ay th ing s a re g oing p retty s oo n
, ,

th e r e won t be anyb ody l eft fo r you to g et a c quai nted wi th

’

”
but God .

“
Ma s te r Mec hanic on t he L road who s aid : You a r e
en ou g h l ike Ma rk Twa in to be h i s b roth e r ”
.

El m i r a May 24 1 89 5 Te rm s o ff e red to Pond : H e to

, , .

have one fou rth of the profit s outs ide F ri sco and on e
-

fi fth i n s ide Fri sco He to l e c tu re me the r e s ix co n s e cutive

.

n i g h ts a n d t hree matin é es all i n the s a me w eek

, .

242
 N OT E B O O K
“
H i s repl y b y tel egraph Ma y
,
2 5, Te rm s ac c epted .

lette r .

Th at is for the lect u re tou r a round t h e w orld

, .

M rs Clemens an d Cl a ra w ould accompan y hi m ;

.

Susy a nd Je a n ( a g e d 2 3 a nd 1 5 ) we r e to r e m a i n
wi th thei r Au nt Sue ( Mrs Th e odore Cran e ) a t
.

Qu a r ry Fa rm El mi r a New York
M
.
, ,

Accompanied b y M a jor a nd rs J B Pond . . .

,

who w oul d go wi th th e m a s fa r as Vancouv e r ,

th e le c tu re pa rty le ft El mi ra th e ni g ht of Jul y
1 4t h Th ei r l ast gl impse w as of Susy ,

u nd e r th e l igh t a t th e end of the pl atfo rm w ay ,

in g good bye They neve r forgot t hat pi ct u re

- . .

243
 CHAPTE R XXI I

Th e Way t o t h e C oas t

J UL Y 1 7, S ailed from Clevel and i n th e No rt hl and

’
95 . .

Fine and sw i ft ; h e r len gth must b e as m uch as 3 50 feet .

Sp a ciou s deck s for p romenading J ust a s l uxu riou s and.

com fo rtabl e a s a g reat ocea n l i ne r or a Fall Ri ve r boat .

I h a ve seen no boat i n Eu rope th at was n t a g arbag e ’

ba rg e by compa ri s on Thi nk o f tho s e E u ropean tubs !

Su n ny bal my pe rfectl y d e l iciou s voy age—I know n oth ing
.

, ,

anyw he re to comp a re with it B een a w ay fou r yea r s and

h a v e d ropped ba c k i nto the da rk a g e s i n s ome—many
.

res pects .

Ev e ni ng I t i s a n ide al s u mme r t rip The lon g app roa c h

. .

to Po rt Hu ron th rou g h n a rrow wa y s with fl at g ra ss a nd ,

wooded l an d o n bo th s ide s and on the left a conti nuou s

,

row o f s u m me r cottage s with s mall boat accommodation s -

for v isi tin g across th e l itt l e c a nal s from family to family ,

the g rou p s o f s u m me r-d ress e d you n g people al l alon g

wavin g fl a gs and h andke rchiefs a nd fi ri n g canno n—o ur
,

boa t repl yin g wi th fou r toot s of the wh istle and n ow a n d

th en a c a nnon and meetin g s tea me r s i n the n a r row way ,

and once the s tatel y s iste r sh i p of th e l ine crowded wi th

-

s um me r d re ss ed peopl e wavi ng—th e rich b row ns an d

-

g r e en s of the ru s h grow n fa r reachi ng fl a t l a n ds , with

- -

little gl i mp s e s of wate r a w ay o n th e fu rt he r ed g e s t h e ,

s inki n g s u n th r owin g a c ri nkled b road c a rpet o f g ol d on

—
th e wate r w ell i t i s the pe rfe ction o f voya g i ng B oa t is a
, .

s pl it b e tw e e n Fall Rive r and oc ea n l ine r Wit h t h is ( lil

fe re n c e—c a rri ed no f r ei g h t—pa ss e nge r s on ly
.

244
 MA R K TWA I N
ish ed—n o —st ri p ped
of it s powe r to Op p re ss He re o n t hi s .

sunny S u n da y morni n g I h ea rd the h appy laughte r of

the on ly bi rd t ha t doe s l au gh by n at ure t h e ma r ti n b

for t h e fi r st ti m e in mo re th an a ge n e r a ti on He wa s my .

f a vorite a s a bo y Beauti ful color—a nd i s a ki nd of sw al.

lo w M an hi s friend ; p rovid es h im wi th a house a nd

.

neve r ha rms h im I n F ran c e they would h u n t h im . .

Mu st write up t h e p retty s to ry whe re the 1 6 Yale boy s

got to t rea ti n g the two Yal e vete ran s and at 1 1 :30 P . M
.

found they h ad u sed up 1 4 q u a rts of ch a mpa gn e and

were a g ha st Wh a t s h ould th ey do to r a is e the mon e y
. .

“
Stewa rd : Th a t s all righ t ; the two ol d g en tl em e n p ai d
’

for it whi l e you p ass ed by es co rti ng the m to th ei r r oom

”
wi th a s o ng of ho n or .

J ul y 3 1 D rove with th e Gib s o ns to th e 49-foot fall

.

( Ra inbow ?) a nd th e wonde rful fou ntai n w hich Lewis

an d Cl a rk 1 80 5 foun d to be bl ue a nd re tai ned it s bl ue
, ,

color fo r h al f a mi le down the Mi ss ou ri .

O n t h e way a yo un g co w boy s ho wi n g off wa s tu m bled , ,

ove r t h e hor s e s h ead The ho rs e fell on him bu t fort u

’
.

n at ely did no t ki ll him .

B u tt e ,on t M
Aug 1 Be au ti ful a udi ence Com pa ct ,
,
. . .

i ntelle c tu al and d res s ed i n pe rfec t ta ste I t s u rp ri s ed m e .

t o fi nd th i s Lo ndon Pa ri s i an New York au di en ce ou t in

- -

t he mi nes [He giv es a list o f t h e n um be rs read ] :

.

D ed M
a an .

C h i t e i ng
r s n .

Frog .

Old Ram .

Wat erm elon .

C rusad e .

Go l den Arm .
 N OT E B O O K
On e h o u r a n d 30 m i nutes J u s t ri g ht Left
. . out the Duel .

Splendid big n e gro soldiers ; ob e d i e nt don t de s e rt don t ,

’
,
’

g e t d runk ; p roud o f th e i r voc a tion fin e s t and pl ea santest ,

s oldie r s —a nd Pond say s great i n battle Som e o f th ese .

h a ve been i n the se rvice t e n a nd fi ft ee n ye a rs and my ,

e sco rt 2 4 y e a rs They a ll h ave th e look a nd bea ri n g of

.

g e n tlemen Th e ea rl i e s t ones we re not educat e d and coul d

.

not p e rform cl e ric a l du ties ; but th e l at e r ones c a n ; b e e n

“
i n publ ic school As a rul e the a rm y c a n t s i ng the Star
.
’

s pangled but B u rt orde red th e s e t o be t a ugh t and the y

”
, ,

c a n s ing i t .

The b a nd al l colored bu t leade r m a d e be a uti ful music

, ,
.

C e r e mon y o f f e tching th e colors All u ncov e r e d whe n

th e colors p a ssed by—I did a ft e r fi rst bl unde r An oth e r
.

.
,

w as ask e d to th row away my ciga r whe n the colors ap

p roac h e d .

Chapl i n ( colored ) i s a commi ss ion e d offic e r a pp roved ,

by th e Senate I s sal uted l ike oth e r officers

. .

Good will Th e y t a k e a p ride i n it I th i n k th e n egr o

. .

h as found his vocation at l a st .

Cla rk s Fork of th e Columbi a—green w ate r and lovel y

’
.

Neve r s aw a gr ee n str e a m i n Am e rica be fore Follo wi ng .

t hi s pe rfectl y lov ely strea m all of the afte rnoon .

Portl and Ore Aug 9 Spl endid house full t o the

,
.
,
. .
,

roof G r e at compl iment to have a lofty g all e ry p a cked

.

with people at 2 5 ¢ a s int e ll igent a nd re s pons ive as th e

ot hers Floor a nd d res s ci rcle full t oo m any stan din g
.
, ,
“
an d th e s ign up ea rly : St a ndi n g Room Only .

E ve ryw h e r e he wa s w elcomed a nd h a d
cro wd e d hous e s Ol y mpi a Tacom a Seattle—the
,

, , ,

r e tu rns roll e d in .

Aug . 15 . Youn g boy ca m e to inte rv iew me th i s mo rnin g .

2 47
 MARK TWA IN
As ked me i n st ri ct de ta il p re cis el y th e qu esti on s wh i ch
I h ave ans w e red s o m any m ill ion ti mes al ready :
“
F i rs t vi s it ?

Pity about t h e s moke .

Whe re do you g o from here ?

H ave you h ad g ood house s ?
H ave you enjoy ed th e t ri p ?
Y ou r fa m ily with you ?
Whe re do you go fro m Austral i a ?
How l on g wi l l the t ri p take you?
A re you goi ng to w ri te a book a bout th e voya g e ?

Wh a t wi ll be the ch a racte r of it ? ( t e m pted to s ay

”

hyd rophobia s eaman s hi p a nd a g ricultu re )

,
.

A s tr e tch o f 1 8 m iles i n wh ich the re i s not a si n gl e pl a c e

n am e d Vi ctori a E n route to Vancouve r Aug I 5 T his
.
,
. .

s ho w s that w e a re not u nde r th e B ritis h fl a g .

Lette r s en t to Rud y a rd Kipl ing

V a ncouv e r B C Aug 1 6 1 89 5 ,
. .
,
.
,
.

D ea r Ki pl i ng : I t is report e d t ha t you a re abou t to

revisi t I ndi a Thi s h a s moved me to j ou rn e y to th a t fa r
.

cou nt ry i n orde r th at I m ay u nload from my conscience

a debt lon g due you Yea rs ago you ca me from I ndi a to
.

El mi ra to visi t me a s you s aid a t th e ti me I t h a s al w ays

,
.

been m y pu rpo s e to r e tu rn that vi s i t and th a t great c om

p li m en,t so me day I s hal l a rrive
. nex t J anua ry a nd you ,

m u s t be ready I s h all c o m e ridi n g my Ayah with h i s

.
,

tu s k s adorned wit h s ilve r bel l s a nd ribbo ns and e s corted ,

by a t roop of n a tive Ho w d a h s richly cl ad a nd mou nt ed ,

u pon a he rd of w ild bu ngalows a nd you m ust be o n hand ,

wit h a few bo t tl e s o f g h ee fo r I s h al l be t hi r sty

,
.

Vi ct oria B C H ot e l D riard Aug 2 2 Le ct u red l a s t

nigh t—hou s e full Th e Gove r n or-G ene ral a nd Lady Aber
. . .
,
.
, ,

d ee n a nd th e i r l ittle s on i n Highland costu me p re s ent ,

.

”
Seve r al ba rs of God S ave the Quee n played whe n th ey
243
 M A R K TW A I N
slanti n g m i sts—be a uti ful lu m in ou s bl ue wate r ; ins h ore
b rill iant gree n wa te r .

T w o s h a rk s pl a y i ng a roun d l ayi ng for a Ch risti an

, .

B y orde r the bl ue u ni form s ch anged for s no w whi te -

duck t h i s mo rn in g I bought a s uit of it —c oat a nd pant s

,

for $ 3 .

Aug 3 1 . F ive new ca s e s today five de a th s

.
, .

Th is town h a s peopl e now o ne th i rd white ,

-
.

Th e Ben nin gton c a me out a nd a nchored a l ittle to t h e

wi nd w a rd fl y ing the yello w fla g at he r forem a s t The re .

h ad been a de a th o n boa rd ( chole ra ) a nd s ome of our

p a ssenge rs we re w orri e d A p rotes t w a s s ent a nd t h e
.

Comm a nde r s aid h is shi p h a d bee n thoroughl y fu m i g at e d

a nd all hi s p e ople w e r e h e al thy b ut i f a ny fe ll s ick woul d
,

go to sea at once .

Sh a rks pl aying a rou nd o ur s te rn al l day Coul d no t .

tch any .

The m os t m a rvelous of s u nsets .

We h a ve th e s n a ke l i a r and the fi sh l i a r al wa ys wi th us .

No w I find w e a re g etti ng to wa rd th e a t mosph e r e b r ea th ed

‘

by the boo m e ran g l i a r Th e fi r s t o ffi c e r has seen a m a n

.

escape b e h i nd the t r e e s b ut h is pu rs ue r sent h i s boom

e ran g h igh ove r a nd be y on d the t ree ; then i t tu rned ,

d es cend e d and kill e d the m an The Austral i a n pa s senge r

.

h a s s ee n i t done to t w o beh i nd two t r ee s with o n e th row ,

.

Matu ri n B allon heard of a case whe re the boo me ran g

killed a bi rd a nd b rought i t back to the th ro we r .

Pa s s e nge r s w ho h ad taken rooms i n th is s hi p we re not

allo w ed to come o n boa rd at Honol ul u One l ady p ri s o n e r .

w rote ou r C a pt a i n a n i mplori ng lette r .

Sept 1 Lyi ng at a ncho r till m idnight

. . .

And s o they mu st s ail aw a y Fo r . th i rty yea r s

he had d rea med of go in g back to the I sl a nds ,

only to me e t th i s d i s a ppoi ntmen t . One i s t e

m in ded of M oses a n d t he P ro mi s ed Land .

2 50
 NOT E B O O K
Sep t 6 . .
4 M s te r
Cross ed th e equa to r a t
P ye day . . .

Cl a ra kodaked it .

Sep t 8 Today i s Su nday a nd tomorrow Tue s day I t

. . .

is s a id that Mond a y ha s dropp e d out b e c a use the sa ilors

’
—
don t l ike to lose th e i r Sunday hol id a y as i f they couldn t ’

have i t j u st a s we ll o n a n ost en s ible Sunday a s on a

real o n e.

A t ni g h t so m ile s from S idney ve ry da rk School s o f

.
, .

po rpoises com e str ea ki ng it to the sh i p from out th e bl a ck

di stanc e s l ik e l u mi nous sea se rp e nt s A porpois e 8 ft long . .

woul d look l ike a glori fi e d se rp e nt 30 to 50 ft long ev e ry .

,

c u rve o f the t a pe ring lon g body perfe ct and the w hol e

s n ake d azzl ingly ill u minated by the phosphor e sc e nt s pl e n
dors i n the wa t e rs The color was th a t o f the glo w w or m
.

a nd wonderfully i nten s e Th e n ight was so d a rk th at the .

a c tu al s u rf a ce of the s ea w a s n ot distingu ish a bl e a nd so i t ,

w as a w e i rd s ight to s ee this S pi r a l ghost come s udd e nl y

fl ashing alon g ou t of th e sol id g loom a nd s tream p a st l ike
a meteo r .

I 1: Aus t ralia
Oc t 3 S ent
. to T A D ibbs Comm e rci al
. . .
,

B a nking Co o f S y dn e y I a sk e d h i m to s e n d i t to M r
. . .

Rog e r s .

H e h a d s e t out to pay o ff the debt s resul ting

from the fa il u re o f the Ch a rl e s L Webst e r Pub . .

C o a nd h a d be e n ste a dil y r e mitti ng to M r

. .

Rog e rs for th is pu rpose Thi s wa s p rob a bly h is .

fi rst remitt a nc e from Austral i a .

Oct 4 M e l bou rne D r Fi tzgeral d froze and t h e n

. . . .

l a nc e d this d a mn e d ca rbuncl e ; th e n g a v e m e a n O pi u m
h y pode rmic I t i s the lofti e st o f a l l hu ma n vocation s
.

m edi ci ne and s u rg e ry Rel ief from phy s ical p ai n phy s ical

.
,

25 1
 MARK TWA IN
di stres s N ext com es t h e p ul pi t whic h s ola ce s m e nt al
.
,

dist ress ; sooth es t he s or rows of th e soul Thes e tw o a re .

th e grea t p rofess i ons t h e n oble p rofes s ion s Th e gap

be twee n th e m a nd th e n ex t is wi de—an aby ss
, .

Th e most dili g en t i nd us try i n Vi cto ri a and N ew Sou th

W a les is app a rently hors e r a ci ng The re doe s see m to be
-
.

a pe rfectl y a m azi ng a mou nt of it The i nte re s t i n i t s ee m s

.

to be u ni ve rs al and i ntense Th e Mel bou rn e C up com e s

.

o ff p res en t ly an d i t is t h e event of the yea r

, .

( Au s t ral i an ) Co nvi ct s ros e t o g rea t wort h a nd p rom i

n e n c e and w ea l th .They l e ft descend a nt s w ho s hould not
be as h am ed o f th em a nd p robably are not A redee med .

ca re e r is c e rta i nly a thi n g for th e m a n h i m s el f to be p roud

o f an d th is j ust p ride i n i t s houl d e xt e nd to h i s post e ri ty
,
.

Many o f t he convi ct s w e re me re bo ys and we re t r an s ,

po rted fo r lon g t er m s of yea rs fo r s teal ing a rabbi t o r a

h at ful of tu rn ips to s tave o ff sta rvati on I n fai rn es s t h ey
, .

s houl d not be ca ll ed c ri m i n al s .

Th e Sabbath is k e pt i n Austr a l i a They a ctu a ll y h av e n t

.
’

a ny Su nday ed ition of th e d ail ies I t i s s aid the p ul pi t

.

fe a rs i t coul d not run in competi ti on ( i n i nte rest ) wi th

them .

No Su nda y c a bl e ca r s e rvice i n for e noo n .

Wh e n p e ople g e t to be as good as th is no a mo un t o f
horse racing ca n da m n the m
- .

I h a ve s pe nt my enti re s tay i n Melbou rn e i n bed w ith

a ca rbu n c le.

Th i s vi s i tatio n o f carb u n cl es h ad begun i n

“
El m i ra I n one pl ace h e wrote : T he d ict iona ry
.

s ay s a c a rbu n c l e i s a ki nd of j ewel I neve r c a red

.

”
m u c h fo r j ewel ry .

S i n ce t h e begi nn i ng of t h e wo rl d th e re h ave bee n 2 2 5 ,

s avages born a n d da m n ed and s aved

by m i ss i onary effort .

2 52
 CHAPTE R XX I I I

Hw t ralia an d N em Zealand

Oc r A da rli n g cli mate D rove to A g ricul tur a l Coll eg e,

. .

ei g ht m iles open wagon b rill i ant s u nsh ine n i nety -t w o

, , ,

i n s hade but pe rfectly com fo rtabl e ( d ry heat ) J u s t l ike

, .

middl e of J u ne Saw pupil s s hea ri ng sheep Th e fl eec e

. .

whe n s p read out i s a s b i g a s a bedqu il t Tarst ick fo r .

wound s t o heal them and ke e p o fl fl ie s

Th e s heep a re shorn di rty —buye r p r e fer s it —and th e
.

s ho rn s heep l ook s a s wh ite a s s no w .

Th e 40 studen ts work at all fa rmi ng eve ry othe r day ,

.

On alt e rn ate day s s tudy and h e a r lectu re s They a re .

t a ugh t th e b e gi nn ing s o f scienc e s ( l ike chemi s t ry etc ) ,

.

th at b e a r u pon fa rm in g a nd al l p r a ct ical fa rm in g
, .

Can t s ee th a t t h e B ri ti s h G ov t h a s any more au th o ri ty

’
.

h e re tha n she h a s ove r th e c onstel l a tions S he s ee m s .

m e r e l y to fu rn i s h g ov e rnor s and the colonie s pay th e,

s al a rie s She ha s a veto bu t s he does n t s ee m to ventu re

.
,
’

t o use i t She ca n t eve n force a gove rno r tha t th e c olonie s

’
.

o bj ec t to She fu rnis he s s eve n wo rs h ip s and t h e co l on ie s

.

ay i nte re s t on thei r c ost

p .

The rail road i s th e onl y th o rou g hl y Eu rope an th i n g

h e re Th at i s they bu ild fine s tation s a nd the n have al l
the id i0 t ic Eu ropea n rail way s y s tem i n pe rfe c tion—s low
.
,

t rai n s no d ri nki ng w ate r n o s ani t a ry a r r an g ement s eve ry

-

c on c eivable i n co n ve n ie nc e ; a n ut t erly i n s a n e s y s tem —

, , ,

t he
j a cka ss sy ste m .

2 54
 N OT E B O O K
Many convict s w e re ter r ible peo pl e no doub t b ut ough t ,

to ha ve b ee n h a n ge d not t r a nsport e d Tr a ns port a tion i n

—
.
, ,

the condition s w as a cruel pun is hmen t and un fai r h a n g

, ,

ing was th e m a n s righ t ’

.

Con v icts w e r e assigned t o Tom Di c k a nd Ha r ry to , ,

work Story o f one w ho for a faul t w as m a de to wal k 1 4

.

mile s a nd get a n offi ci a l floggin g then w a l k back with h is ,

torn b a ck o th e rs w a rn e d th a t i f th ey wa sh e d hi s w ounds
-

o r s uccored h i m i n any w a y they would g et th e l ike .

New Z ealand
Nov 6 A lov el y su m me r morn ing b rill i a nt bl ue sky
. .
, .

A ft e r a few mil e s from I n n erc a g ill p a s s e d th rough l e v e l

r

gr ee n v a st p a stu re s fil l ed with s heep—be a uti ful cl e an

green ex p a nse s
I n th e se she e p p a stu res al l the c a ttl e a re j e t bl a ck—a
.

h a rd y b re e d b rough t from Scotl and to withstand the

ra the r s evere wi nte r .

I diots a rg ue th a t Na tu re is ki nd and fai r to us i f w e ,

a re lo ya l a nd ob e y h e r l aw s and w e a re r e sponsibl e for

,

o ur p a i ns an d dis ea ses b e c a use w e viol ate th e l a w s — and

t h a t all th is i s j udg e d Good God ! Chol e ra com e s o ut o f

.

As i a and cu ts me do w n when I h ave tak e n e v e ry p a ins

to h a ve mysel f a nd house i n g ood sanita ry conditions Oh .
,

i n th at cas e m y n eighb o r: viol a ted N a tu re s l a w and — ’

—
,

N a tu re m a k e s m e r e ponsibl e tak es i t o t of me and

s u ,

that i s c alled j ust ! Ve ry w e ll the cat e rpill a r does n t know ’

wha t th e l aw s a re—ho w then a re these p e opl e goin g to

,

excus e natu re for affl icti n g th a t hel ples s and ignor a nt

cre a tu re ? I t w oul d s a ve thos e peopl e a w orld o f unc om
fo rt a ble s h u ffli n g i f they w oul d recognize one pl a i n f a ct
a fact wh ich a m a n wil l ing to see canno t be bl ind to ,

nam e l y th a t the re is noth ing ki ndly noth i n g b en efi c en t

, , ,

noth ing fri endly i n Natu re towa rd any c reatu re exc e pt by ,

ca p ri cious fits and s ta rt s ; and that N a tu r e s atti tude ’

tow a rd all li fe i s p ro foun dl y v i c i ous trea c he ro u s and ,

2 55
 MAR K TWA I N
m ali gn a nt Thi s c ate rpill a r t wo i n ch es long a n d th e
th ickn es s of a ceda r pencil—wh e n gett i n g ready to t u rn
.

in to a g reat n ice moth —pa rti a lly bu ri e s his body i n a

little t rench —and Natu re h a s go t h i m the s po res o f a ,

p e cu l i a r fungu s a re blo w n about by the w ind they lodge ,

i n a w ri nkle o f h is n e ck a nd begi n to s p rou t and g row ;

the roots force thei r w a y i nto the worm a nd alon g t h rou g h
t h e body a nd the worm slo w l y di e s and tu rn s to wood
, ,

p res e rv ing al l it s detail s l ike a p e t ri faction , .

We e as il y pe r c eive that the peoples fu rthe res t from

ci vi lization a re the ones whe re equal ity betwee n m a n a nd
w om a n a re fu rthest a pa rt—and we cons id e r thi s o n e of
th e s i g n s of sav age ry B ut w e a re so s tu pid th at w e ca n t
.
’

s ee th a t w e thus pl ainly admit th at no civil iz a ti on ca n be

p e rfect u n til exac t equ a l i ty betwee n ma n and woma n i s

i ncl uded.

Th at forgotte n and di s credited i n ventio n o f th e devil ,

the gong s til l flou ris hes i n Aust r a l i a and t h e ri nge r of i t

,

is stil l m e rciles s a nd h an gs i t l ike a d e mon gon e m ad .

The p e rem pto ry big frows y blond waitres s i n the st a

, ,

tion —a nd d r e ssy Made me homes i c k sh e was so l ike ou r

.
,

home-m a de a rticle .

I t i s th e s trange st th ing th a t t h e world i s n ot full of

book s th a t s coff a t the piti ful w orld a nd t he usel es s un i ,

ve rs e a nd viol ent contemptible hu ma n r a ce books that

,
s -

l a ugh at th e whol e palt ry s cheme and de ride it Cu riou s .

,

for m ill ion s of men die eve ry ye a r wi th the s e feel i ng s i n

t hei r hea rt s Why don t I w rite such a book ? B ecau s e I
.
’

h av e a fam il y There i s n o othe r rea son W a s t hi s tho s e

. .

other people s rea s on ? ’

Th e La rriki n s o f S yd ney and Mel bo u rn e us ed to h ail

”
me Hel lo Ma rk ; good ni g ht Ma r k and o f co u rs e I
, ,

2 56
07 um TWA IN !
’
Mm H t
a D
. s l l lt '
’
 MARK TWA I N
have it in sp ite o f all the law s eve r passed ; when they don t ’

want i t no dri nk will be sold W i th out want i ng t o k now the

, .

expe rience o f Am e r i ca you peop le i n Austral i a have an ob j ec t

,

l esson i n tem perance leg i slat i on T he re is supposed t o be no

dri n k sold on S un days i n Syd n ey an d M
.

elbo urne Y et I a .
,

stran ge r can see t h at p le nty o f i t is so l d

, t hat the m ost i n vet
,

c r ate booz e r can ge t all he wants wh ile he is able t o f or i t

p y
a .

Now if P rohibi t i on cann ot be e n f o rced on o n e day o f t he week

, ,

i t can not be en f o rced all the yea r roun d an d year a f te r year

I f m en canno t do wi th out a dri n k f rom S at ur day n i g h t t ill M
.

on

day m o rn i ng i t is c e rtai n that t hey cann ot wai t l onge r Th e way .

i n wh i ch your S un d ay-c l os i ng law is evaded will g ive you an

i dea o f the so-c alled P rohibi t i on di stri cts i n Am e r i ca Th e f ront .

d oo r is closed but the bac k is Ope ned ; instead o f ope n h on est

,

dri n ki ng you h ave sly booz i ng ; i nstead o f havi ng t h e tra ffi c

,

un de r the supe rvi si on o f t h e law an d c on d uct ed i n the i n te rests

,

o f o r de r a n d m o ral i ty t he re is n o supe rvi si on at all an d th e

,

trade is con d uct ed u n de r t he m ost dem oral i z i ng con di t i on s Th e .

m ann e r i n whi ch t hese ab surd l i quo r laws a re b ro ke n b r eeds

co n t e m pt f o r law i n ge n e r al .Then whi le i nte n si fyi ng i nstea d

, ,

o f e r adi cat i ng the evil t hese laws give r i se t o sm uggli ng a n d

, ,

i n fo rm i ng an d pe rj ury So now you see why i n t he States an d

.

C an ad a t hey a r e o f te n repe aled on t h e ve ry fi rst Oppo rtun i ty .

T h e o n ly app roach t o P ro hibi t i on l h ave see n is i n t h ose En g

l ish t own s whe re h otels sh ut d ur i ng ce rtai n h o urs T he re I ve .
’

see n th i rty c u stom e rs r e f u sed a n d told t o wai t u nt il t h e h ouse

legally ope n ed S uc h a t hi ng wo uld n eve r have happe n e d in
Prohibi t i on M
.

ai ne whe re a m an gets se rved at any h our

, .

“
Ah
”
si g hed o ur di st i ng ui shed vi si tor
“W hy d o n t the t em ’
, .

e ranc e ag i t ato rs re m e m be r Ed m un d B ur ke s wor d s ? Law f u l i

’
p n

d ulgen c e is t h e on ly c hec k on ill i c i t grat i fi cat i on Abo l i shi ng .

m atr i m on y wo uld n o t sta m p o ut f orn i cat i o n Well what m ar

.
,

riage is t o m o ral i ty a prope r ly con d uct ed l i ce n sed li qu o r t rafi c is

t o sob r ie ty In ei th e r case a ce rt ai n h um an p rope ns i ty is re gu

.

lated so as t o be a blessi ng ; while le f t to itself or sub j ect ed to ,

repressive efl orts, it wo uld be a curse ”

.

2 58
 N OT E B OO K
H e re M Mr k Tw i n —wh e re i th m iddle i n i t ial
r. a f th a s e o e

Yan kee n m — a e oo
“
l ked t h is w t h d id : T i m e i pre i g ; a a c an sa s ss n

co m e le t u lve t h li qu r pr ble m i n u w w y Wh t
s so e o o o r o n a . a are

yo u g i ng
o t h v I t i t cur i u h w d r i k alw y f ll w
? o a e sn
’
o s o n a s o o s

th efl ga? F i t e 1 t ke a kt il whe reve r I g T h t

or n s an c ,
a coc a o. a

d e n t ui t t h B r i t i h n t i t ut i
o s
’
s eIn t h e C e n n f re ts co s on . os n a o s s

whe re t h B i t i h n t i t ut i n w reared beer c r di ng t

e r s co s o as , , ac o o

T i t u w p p ula r H e r e l u k t Th G u d i d f u i on
’
ac s, as o . s c o e ar an an co n s

t
o te t tal i m
e o s .
”

P a l m e rston No rth Lectu red th e re D e c 2 Cl ub Hotel .

,
. . .

M e mor a bl e Hot e l Stu nning Qu ee n o f Sh e b a st y le o f

.

b a rm a id a l way s ans we r e d th e b e l l and th e n got U p o n

,

he r dignity and s a id—l ightin g fi res b rushing clothe s , ,

boots etc wa s th e ch a mb e rm a id s bus in e s s Would she

,
.
,
’
.

please t e l l th e ch a mbe rmaid ? No ans w e r Exit Why do . .

you a ns we r th e b e ll ?
Sign up s ay i ng l a ndlord w ill not hol d h i msel f r e spons ibl e
for bagg a g e NO k ey s to th e doo r D runk e n lo a fe rs m a king
. .

noi se do w nst a i rs S a id he h a d k ey s but didn t kno w th e y

.
,
’

wa s goi ng to h e wa nted and i t w oul d t a k e a long ti me to

so rt t hem o ut ; h a dn t any l a b e ls or numb e rs o n them ’
.

Elde rly a nd not v e ry h a ndsom e w om a n s a id sh e d gi ve n ’

up h e r room i f s h e d kno w n p e opl e w as so p a r ticul a r

’
.

S h e wa s n t a fr a id to sle e p without a key Got a key a t

’

l a st—m idn ight

.

E a rl y i n th e mo rn in g b a b y beg a n—pl ea s an tl y— d idn t ’

—
mi nd b a by th e n the pi a no ti n k e ttl e pl aye d by eithe r
th e cat o r a p a rti a ll y u ntrai ned a rtist—c e rt a i nl y th e most
, ,

e xtr a ordi na ry m us ic—s traigh t ave r a ge of th r ee right not e s

to fou r w rong ones b ut pl a ye d w ith e a g e r z ea l a nd gl a d
,

n e ss —o ld old tun e s o f 40 yea r s ago such as I h ea rd at

Tim o ru—a nd consid e ring i t wa s the c a t—for i t m us t ha ve
, ,

be e n th e c a t— it wa s r ea ll y a m a r ve lous p e rformance I t .

con v i nc e s m e th a t a c a t is mor e i ntelligen t th a n people

bel ieve a nd c a n be ta ught a n y c ri me
, .

2 59
 MA R K TWA I N
Roo ms a s toni s h in g ly sm al l- pa rti tion s a s ton i s hin gly
—
th in p a rlor the s ize an d sh a pe o f a gr a nd pi a no Ve ry .

fu nn y hotel L a ndlord sho w s l ad y th rough wi th hi s hat

.

on F a t red ignorant made of p retty coa r s e cl ay pos

.
, , , ,

s ib ly m ud .

At Wai puku rau De c 2 Stoppe d 20 m i nutes for l u nch

, . .

eon I s at a t head of tabl e then Livy Cl a ra a nd Smythe

.
, , .

Mi r ror i n front o f t he m B ut Li vy hadn t h e r gl a ss e s o n

.
’

’
and could n t see a nyth ing i n it I saw two pictu res o n the .

di s tant wal l a nd m ade up my m ind that o n e of them wa s

t h e De a th o f B roke i nto the conve rs ati on— D O
“
”
y o u re membe r when t h e news ca me to Pa ri s ?
“ ”
Of the ki ll ing o f th e p rince ?
“ ”
The ve ry words I w as go in g to s ay B ut w hat p ri n ce ? .

“ ”
Napol eon .

Th e re w as no concl us ion Th e pictu re w as no t his m u r

de r—s o i t wa s not the pictu re its e l f that I co nveyed to
.

h e r but m y n at ion o f what th e pi ctu re wa s .

Dec 5 Le ft fo r Hawe ra 8 A NL Y e st e rday l u n a ti c

. . .

bu rs t i nto my p a rlo r a nd wa rn ed me tha t th e J e s u it s

we re g oi n g to cook ( po i s on ) me i n m y food o r kill me , ,

on the st reet a t n i g h t Sai d a myste riou s s i g n was vi s ibl e

.

u pon my pos te rs and mea nt my death S aid th e Centu ry .

wa s a J es u it m a g azi ne ; th at the edi tor s we re a ma n an d

his t w o s i s ter s tha t t hey we re J e s u i t tool s a nd we re
,

s teeped i n c a rna g e and m u rde r H ad writ te n the m a nd s o .

ch a rg ed the m and they we re du mb and c oul d not deny

,

th e c ha rg e Saved H aw eis s l i fe by wa rni n g h i m th at t he re

.
’

we re th ree m en o n h i s platform who would kill h i m i f he

took h i s eye s off the m fo r a m o ment d u ri ng hi s le c tu re .

He h as s aved s o m any l ive s i n 20 year s i n that way th a t

they put hi m i n the a s yl u m .

Lect u red .

2 60
 MA R K TWA I N
d own i n th e p ri vacy of h is hea rt ,
h as any con s ide r abl e
respect for h i m s elf .

Dec 1 3 F riday 1 89 5 Sail ed from Well in gton N ew

M M
. .
, , ,

Ze al and tod a y at
, P i n the araro a ( Retu rn in g . .

to Austr a l i a ) .

No w l e t us h av e a storm a nd a hea vy o n e Th is i s the , .

d am n es t m e n a ge rie of m a nne rl es s ch ildren I h a ve eve r

go ne to sea w ith .

I n the p a st yea r h ave r e ad V i c a r o f Wak e fi e l d and

so me o f J a ne Austen Thorou g hly a rti fici al . .

B ac k to Aus t ralia
Tue s day De c 1 7 Reached S y dney 9 A Day be fo r e M
yeste rda y it w as full Sydney s u mme r—9 5 i n th e s h a de
. . . .
,

,
“
and a s hot a s 1 1 5 at Hors h a m Then ca me a bu rst e r ”

ki nd of hu rric a n e —o ut o f the s outh—th e twi n of the

.

Texa s Northe r — and knock e d th e me r c u ry down 36

”

degree s i n fou r hou rs The du s t blew I t will be cool

. .

weathe r now for a spell .

Ra in P raying s ubj e ct up a g ai n Rev D r S tron g h a s

. . . .

bee n t ry ing to explai n why p raye rs for ra i n a re not a

p rope r so rt to m ake The us u al resul t : a nes t o f ignoran t
ho rnet s waked up—violent vitu pe rati ve i ns ul ti n g peopl e
.

.
, ,

One of them q uote s pa ss a g e s from the New Testa ment

to s how that wh at th ing soe v e r a ri g hteou s Ch ri sti a n p ray s
for he w ill get i s—o the rwi s e G od would be viol a ti n g h is
,

cont ra ct The n al mo s t i n the next s enten c e th i s logi c ia n

s a y s— God r e se rve s the p rivil eg e o f exe rcisi ng H i s ow n
.

“
”
j ud gm en t a s to wh i c h thin gs p rayed fo r H e wil l g ran t .

“
Went to s ee For the Te rm of H i s Natu ral Li fe Eve n .

when the ch a i n a u gs w e re h umorou s they w e r e still a mos t

path e t i c s i g ht he pl ay g oe s fa r to enable on e to r eal ize
.

2 62
 N OT E B O O K
that old convi ct —
l i fe i nvented i n hell and ca rried out by
Ch risti an devil s .

Th u rsday D e c 1 9 E n route fo r Scone Wa r s ca re

, . . .

b et w ee n Engl and and Ame ric a .

The wa r s ca re A few d ay s a go am o ng the cables w as

.

“
Th e Boa rd o f Tr a de ha s c a b le d the N Y Ch a mbe r o f . .

Com me rce : Ple a su re bo a ts w ill not b e a llo w ed to oh

‘

st ruct the movement s o f th e B ritis h wa rsh i ps Reply of .

’

Ch a mbe r o f Com merce : W e hope you r w a rsh ips w ill be ‘

bett e r th a n you r y a chts .

Nobod y s aw the fi rst jok e til l the l a tte r was c a bled t w o

da y s l a t e r th e n t here wa s a s hout
, .

Mond ay D e c 2 3 1 89 5 S a il e d from S y dne y fo r C ey lon

, .
,
.

( vi a M e lbou rn e Ad e l a id e e tc ) i n the P 8c 0 st ea me r
M
. . .
, ,
.

Oc ea na a t 1 P
,
. .

—
T w ent y m a l e a nd femal e cr a nks ri v a l s o f the S a lva
t io i t s
n s — in no u ni form but wa t e rp roofs ( i t wa s r a i ning )
sa ng h y mns o n th e dock and a m a n ( th is s ee ms to be ,

th e m a i n f ea tu r e o f both org a n iz a tions ) b e gg e d co n t ribu

tions wa l king b a ck a nd fo rth a nd holding h is h at u p
,

to wa rd the p a ss e ng e rs As h e mov e d a way they sang

.

t h e Do x ology .

Lasca r cre w i n th i s s hi p fi rs t I h a ve s ee n White cos ,

.

tume l ike p e ttico a t a nd p a nts —ba r e foot— r e d s h aw l for

,

b e l t—s t r aw c a p b ri mle s s o n h ea d w ith r e d sc a rf a rou nd

, , ,

it Th e y a re rich d a rk b ro w n w ith short straight bl a ck

.
,

h a i r ; w hi sk e rs fi ne a nd s il k y a nd j e t bl a ck .

Sh i pped a bout £ 2 0 0 to M r Roge rs th rou g h M r G ibb s . .

’

ban k a t S y dn ey
,
.

F rom ti m e to ti m e i n th e Austr a l i a n notes he

u nd e rt a k e s poe try d e scri pti ve o f the pictu r e s q ue
Aus tral ia n a ni mal li fe Example .

2 63
 MA R K TWA IN
Lan d o f t h e Orn i th o rhyn ch us,
Lan d o f the kan garoo,
O l d ti
he edi ty li k u
es o f r n s,

He re h e pau s es for b reath a nd to

rh yme appa rentl y w i thout s ucces s
, ,

ently he p roc e ed s :
Lan d f the f rui t f ul abbi t
o r ,

L n d f t h b m e ng
a o e oo ra ,

Ano the r pause equ all y hopel es s th en

, ,

C om e f ort h f rom y ou h thy ooz o c ,

O h O m it h h y ch u dear or n s ,

A d gr ee t wi th a c r dial claw
n o ,

Th tra ger t hat l gs t o hea

e s n on r

F r m thy own li p t he tale

o s

O f thy or i gi n ll un k n own a .

Thy bon e whe re fl e h h uld be s s o

A d fl e h whe r e h uld be bo e
n s s o n .

An d fi n of fi sh whe re sh oul d be p w a .

A d beave r t owel t ai l
n r ,

An d l un gs f bea t a n d t ee th f be t
o s o as ,

W here gill s oug h t t o p revail .

C om e , kan garoo, t h e good an d true ,

F o resh ort en ed as t o legs,

'
An d b dy tape red l ike a ch u
o rn ,

A d ac k mn s up ial f eg ;ars
’
s

A d t ll u why y u l i nge r he re
n e s o

Th u r el i c f a v n i hed ti m e
o o a s ,

Wh en ll y ur f r ien d
a o f il leep s as oss s s ,

l m m o rt al i zed i n hym e r .

N ew Yea rs 1 896 S ail e d at noon for Ceylon

, . .

J a n 4 Lyi n g i n road s tead at Alba ny all day At s e ven

. . .

stro ng b r eeze got up th e a nc hor S m al l p ilot i n elabor

,
.

264
 MA RK TWA IN
q uen ce . W e s h all tr y howeve r , , to s t r aighte n
t he m .

] 96 I n t he I nd ia n Ocean
’
an . 6, .

So me un gove rned child ren on boa rd Th e i rrita ti ng .

t hi ng about u ngo ve rned ch ild ren is th a t they oft e n make

as orde rl y and val uable men an d wome n a s do the oth e r

kin d.

Wh at an even tl ess exi stence l i fe at sea on a lon g s um

m e r vo y age i s No l i fe vis ible ; n ow and then a s chool o f
.

porpois e s ; and at i nte rv a ls a sol ita ry albatross ; once a

we ek a s h i p f a r aw a y Pe a ce eve rl asting pe a ce and t r a n
,
.
, ,

q uillity B ut i t i s i nfin itel y com fortabl e a nd s a ti sfy ing

. .

Before we see l a nd aga i n i t i s possible that we and th e

E ngl ish an d Aust ral i a ns on bo a rd will have bee n w a r
e n e mies for someti me wi th out knowi n g i t Ho w eve r a
s hip is a world o f its ow n —o n e doe s not tr ouble hi m s el f
.
,

about othe r worl ds a nd th e i r afl airs .

The re a re cana ri es i n th i s s h ip al so c a t s—b ut th e c a ts ,

get no p ro p e r ch ance .

J an 8 W edn e sd ay At noon yest e rday we cr oss ed th e

. .

1 0 0 me ridia n of East Longi tude The s un was di rectly .

ov e rh e ad .

The more I see of mode rn ma ri ne a rch itectu re and

e n g i nee ring the more I a m dissatisfied w ith No a h s A rk ’
.

I t w as admi r a bly un fi t t ed for the se rv ice re q ui red of it .

Nobody but a fa rme r coul d have des i g ned s uch a th in g ,

for s uch a pu rpose .

Th i s i s the best l ib ra ry I have seen i n a sh i p yet I m ust .

read th at devil i s h V i ca r o f W a kefield agai n Al so J ane .

A u s ten .

On thi s voy a ge I h av e read a nu mbe r of novel s Pri nce

Otto —ful l of b rill ia n c ie s o f cou rs e—pl e nty of e x q uisit e
.

ph ra s i n g—an easy fl owing tale but—well my s ympath ies , ,

were not w i th any o f the peo ple in i t I did not c a r e ,

266
 N OT E B O O K
wheth e r any o f the m p ros pe red o r not The r e i s a faul t .

s ome w he re ; i t could h ave bee n i n me .

Ja n 8 L a t 2 0 —30 S : Lo n 1 0 0 —2 6E Eve ry m ile

. . . . .

no rt h wa rd adds to the h e at no w Tod ay i s ro a sting hot . .

Lin e n w ill be put o n tomorro w no doubt Pu nk a s sta rted ,

.

tod a y ; strips o f cloth they h a ng a bove the tab l es and a re

k e pt i n motion by I ndia n boy s who pul l the rope s Ve ry .

good fan .

Th e s ea is a s pl e ndid Medite r ranean bl ue today with a

del icat e bu t p ronou nc e d coppe r ti nt on the sh ad y s ide o f
t h e wave s Th is i s id e al s ail in g
.
—long slo w g e ntl e rocking , ,

of the s h i p sooth ing a nd l ull i ng as a cradl e motion th e

, ,

atmosph e re fi ll e d with pe a ce and f a r from th e w o rld n ess - - -

—j ust e nough b r e eze to k ee p you r f a t from mel tin g and

ru n ni ng do w n and greasi ng you r cloth e s .

Th e porpoise is the clo w n o f the sea—e videntl y doe s

hi s wild antics for pu re fu n ; t he re i s no sordid p rofit i n it .

Ho w cu riou s l y un an ecdot ic al th e Coloni a l s and s h ip

going E ngl is h a re I bel ieve I h a ven t told a n an e cdote o r
.
’

hea rd o n e s i nce I left Ame ric a B ut Am e ric a ns w h e n .

,

g roup e d d rop i nto a necdotes as soon a s th ey g e t a l ittl e

,

acqu a i nt e d Come to th i nk I ha ve sta rt e d a n a n e cdot e

.
,

once o r t w ice b ut didn t fi nis h it On e i s p retty su r e to be

,
’
.

i nte r rupt e d and with a rem a rk w h ich is for e ign to th e

,

s ubj e ct and is a q u ite thorough extingu ishe r Which i s .

w e l l enough fo r th e int e rrupte r goe s right ahead and you

, ,

couldn t get i n ag a i n i f you w a nted to

’
.

Zan gw ill s
’ ”
r —
M a st e is done i n good Engl ish w h a t a”

ra r e th i ng good Engl ish is ! a nd the gr a m m a r is g ood too

—a nd w h a t a v e ry ve ry r a r e th ing th a t is ! Th e ch a r a cte rs
,

a r e r ea l the y a r e fl e s h a nd blood th ey a r e d e finite ; o n e

, ,

kno w s w h a t they will do i n nea rl y an y gi v en set o f ci r

c um s t a nc es An d whe n th e re i s an in ciden t a n epi sode
.
, ,

2 67
 M A R K TWA IN
it co mes about i n a n atur a l w ay , an d h appe ns j u st as it
w ou l d h a pp e n i n act ual li fe .

S w ore o fl from p rofani ty early th is morni ng I w as o n

'

d eck i n th e p ea c e f ul d awn the ca l m and h ol y dawn , .

Went do w n d ressed b a thed put o n wh ite l inen s haved

, , ,

a l ong hot t roublesome job and no p rofani ty Th e n

, , ,
.

—
s ta rt e d to b re a k fa st Remembe red my tonic fi rst ti me i n
th re e months w ithout bei ng told—pou red it i n a meas
.

u ri n g gl a ss h eld bottle i n one h a nd i t in th e othe r the

-

cork i n my teeth—reach ed up and got a tu mble r

, , ,

m eas u ri ng gl as s s p r a ng out o f my fi ngers—got it pou red

-
,

out anoth e r dos e fi rs t s etti ng th e tu mble r o n w as hsta nd

—j us t g ot i t pou red s hi p l u rched hea rd a cra s h be hi nd
,

, ,

m H t w as the t u mble r b roke n i nto mil l ions of fra g

men ts but th e bottom hun k w hol e—p icked it up to t hrow
,

o ut of the O pe n po r t th rew out the me as u ri ng g l a ss i a

M
-

s tead—the n I rel e as ed my voice

,

rs C be hi nd me in . . .

“
th e door : Don t reform a ny mo r e i t i s n t an y i mp rove
’

,
’

”
ment .

—
To th e s moki ng room an int e rmi n abl e t ri p th rou g h a
-

da rk tu n nel to the second s aloon—a l ady s ho w ed me t h e

—
way up t w o fl ights alon g can v as roofed dec k a da rt -
,

acros s the b ridge a s p ri ng th rough a ray o f rai n for the

,

s moki ng room door

- — made it wi thout catch ing a d l OP ‘

s li pped on a gr a ting and fel l sp rawlin g on th e s wi m mi ng

.

de c k —th e refo rm in te rrupt ed a g ai n .

2 68
 MAR K TWA I N
nan im ously turn ed hi m ove r to h i s
q u ee n for pu n i s h own

m e nt Cecil Rh odes P remie r h ad res ign e d ( h i s depo rta

.
, ,

ti on had b ee n demand e d by K riiger) and had said i n a

s peech a t Ki mbe rley th at his ca ree r w as not ended it w as ,

j ust begi nn in g .

B o mbay J an 20 Been s h ut up al l the ti me wi th th i s

, . .

i n fe rn a l cou g h I t doe s not i mp rove I wish it wa s i n h ell

. . .

Th e hotel noi s es b eg i n abo ut five i n the morning Hind u .

s e rvan t s y e l l in g orde rs to each othe r from sto ry to s to ry .

I t i s e q u al to a riot a nd i ns u rre c ti on for noi s e And t he re

a re othe r noi s e s —roofs fall in g i n wi ndow s s ma s hi n g pe r
.

, ,

so n s being mu rde red crow s squa w ki n g ca na rie s s creech

, ,

i ng fi e ndis h bu rsts o f l aughte r explos ions o f dyn a mite

, ,
.

B y sev e n o clock one h a s s ufl ered al l the d ifl eren t kinds o f

’ '

shock th e re a r e and ca n neve r mor e be di s tu rbed by the m

ei th e r isol ated or i n co mbinati on th e n t he noi s e s all stop ,

for hou r s .

Se rv a nt B ram py beauti ful bl ack h ai r combed ba c k

, , ,

l ike a w om a n a nd knott e d a t th e b a ck o f head—tortoise

—
sh e l l comb s ign h e is a Si ngal e s e s mall m ustache
—
,

—
j ack e t u nde r it a w h ite go w n from n ec k to heel s I di d
not l ike to und r e ss u n les s his back wa s t ur ne d .

B o m b ay l

Wh en we a rri v ed i n this hotel the ma n a g e r a G e rm an , ,

c ame up to see ou r room w ith th ree n a tiv e se rvants to

,

se e to a rr a ngi ng th ings A vast gl a zed door O pening u po n

.

a bal cony needed openi n g or cleaning o r clos i ng or so me

t hi ng A n ative we nt at i t a nd s eem e d to b e doing i t w e l l
.

e nough but not to t he mana g e r s m i nd He didn t s tate

,
’
.
’

that fa ct o r expl ai n w he re the defect wa s but b ri s kly

, ,

g ave h i m a c uff and t hen a n a rroga nt word of expl anatio n

or comma nd The n a t i ve took th e s ha m ef ul trea tm e n t wi th
.

See F oll ow ing the Equat or .

2 7°
 N OT E B O O K
m eek n ess s a yin g noth ing and not showi ng in h is face o r
,

man ne r a ny resentment I h ad not s een the l ike o f th is

.

for fi fty yea rs I t ca rried me i nst a ntl y b a ck to my boy

.

h ood and flashed upon me the forgotte n f a ct th at thi s wa s

the us ual w ay o f e xpl a i ning on e s des i r e s to a s l a ve I w as
’
.

able to remembe r th at the m e thod s eemed to me right and

n atu r a l i n those d a ys I being born to it a nd u n awa re
.

th at else w h e re the re were othe r m e thods ; b ut I w as al so

able t o r e m e mb e r th at those u n r e sent e d c uffi n gs m a de m e
s or ry for the victi m and as h a med for the pu nis he r My .

fath e r wa s a r e fi ned and kindly g e ntl e m a n v e ry gr ave , ,

rathe r aust e re o f rigid p robity a ste rnly j ust and u p right

, ,

m an alb e i t h e attend e d no ch u rch a nd nev e r spoke o f

,

rel igiou s m a tt e rs and had no p a rt o r lot i n the pious j oys

o f h is P r e sb y t e ri a n f a mily n o r e v e r se e m e d to su ff e r from
,

this dep ri va tion He l a id his h a nd upon me i n pu nish ment

.

only t w ice i n h is l i f e a nd then n ot h e avily : onc e for t e ll in g

a l ie which su rp ris e d me and s ho we d me ho w un s us
,

p ic io us h e wa s for
,
I kne w I had tol d h i m a m ill ion before
that He pu nis h e d me onl y those t w o ti me s a nd n e v e r a n y
.

oth e r m e mb e r of th e family a t al l yet he com monl y cu ffed ,

o ur h a rml e s s sl a ve boy Le w i s fo r any l ittl e bl u nd e r o r

a w k wa rdn e ss and eve n ga ve hi m a l as h i ng n ow and then

w h ich t e rrifi e d th e poo r th ing ne a rl y out o f h is w its M y .

fathe r h a d p a ss e d h is l i fe among h is sl a v e s from h is cr a dle ,

up and hi s c uffi n gs p roc ee d e d from th e customs o f th e

,

ti m es not from h is n a tu re When I wa s t e n I s aw a ma n

,
.

fl ing a l ump o f i ron ore at h i s slavem an i n ange r—fo r

me rel y doing som e th ing awk wa rdly as i f th at we re a ,

c ri me I t bou nded from hi s skull and the m a n fel l a nd

.

neve r s pok e a gai n H e w as d e ad i n a n hou r I kne w t h e

. .

m a n h ad a right to kill h is s l ave i f h e wa nted to a nd yet ,

i t s eem e d a piti ful th ing and som e how w ron g though

, ,

w h y wrong I w as not de e p enough to e x pl a i n i f I had

bee n ask e d to do it Nobod y i n the vil l a g e a pp roved o f
.

th at mu rde r but of cou r s e no one s aid m uch about it

, .

27 1
 MAR K TWA I N
J an I n vi t ed wi th th e fa m ily to l un c h with Lor d
. 22 .

Sa ndh u rs t Gove rno r of Bombay of Go ve rn ment Hou s e

M
, , ,

alabe r Poi nt tomorrow I k n ew h i m i n London y e a rs

ago H ad to d ecli n eu —not able to go o ut before th e lectu re
.
,

day a fte r tomorro w le s t my cou g h j u mp o n me a g ai n , .

Su nday J a n 2 6 1 896 Bomb a y I t w as M r Gan dh i

, .
,
. . .

( del egate to Chi ca go World s F a i r Congress of Rel ig ions )

’

wh o ex pl ai ned e veryth ing to u s yes te rday at t h e J ai n

Te mpl e .

Our g ood Mah atm a of l a te r yea rs .

F rom the re w ent to th e hous e o f a wea l thy P a rsee to as ,

s is t at a g ath e ri ng i n honor o f Knighthood b e ing con

fe rred u pon H H Th e P rinc e of P al itan a . . .

H uzza s ou ts ide an nounced a rri val o f P ri nc e Large .

s tatel y man rope s o f p e a rl s and gr ee n rubie s a rou nd

his n eck—th e ve ry id e al o f a n I ndia n P ri nce The youn g
,

ri n ce wi t h hi m had been t o th e Chica o Fai r

p g .

”
P repa ri n g h is book Fol low ing th e E q u a tor ,
“
M a rk T w ai n s poke o f th es e g re e n rubies M rs
”
. .

Cle mens goin g th rou gh th e m anu s cri pt noted : ,

P erh ap s you don t ca re but whoev e r told y ou th at the

’
,

P r ince s gree n stones we re rubi es told a n u nt rut h They

’
.

w e re s u perb em e r a ld s Th os e st ri ngs o f pea rl s and e m e r

.

al da we re famou s al l ove r Bombay .

To wh ich note M a rk T w ai n added

All ri g ht I ll m ake th e m e m e r a ld s bu t it los e s force
,
’
,
.

G reen ru bies is a fre s h th i ng An d b e side s i t was one o f .

the P rince s own s ta ff li ar s th at told m e

’
.

S unday we l unch ed at Go ve rnor s House with thei r Ex ’

c ellen c ies th e Gov e rnor a nd Lady Sa ndh u rst ; a nd a t 4

P M vi s ited the Towe r s of Sil ence wi t h th ree Pa r s ee

. .

2 72
 M A R K TWA I N
Th e Mah a rani wa s beh i n d th e sc ree n up hi g h—at th e
l ec tu r e—wi t h t w o l a dies o f he r hou s ehold
,

Th i s is the romance : About 1 5 yea rs a go G reat B ri ta i n

dep os ed t h e Gaik w a r ( fa mi ly name not a ti tle ) for cau s e
and i mp ri s on e d h i m at Mad ras —th e n looked a round for
, ,

—
a s ubstitute Good deal of a h u nt hei r s we re sca rce ; but
.

found the nea re s t hei rs i n th ree l itt l e b rothe r s ob s cu re ,

pea s an ts makin g mud p ic s i n the vill age a nd h avi ng a

good ti me accordi ngly G B d id not a ppoi nt the eldest
. . .

a li ttl e too old to be mold e d m a ybe ; nor the youngest

,

too long i n m i nority ; took the m iddle o n e The eldest i s .

now Com mand e r i n Ch i e f o f the G aikw ar s forces an d ’

,

t h e you ngest i s i n E ngl a nd stud y in g fo r t h e b a r He w il l .

be a j udge he re some d ay no doubt

The G i s a fine a nd cul tivat e d gentl e man—b e en to
.
,

E u rope five ti mes I l iked th i s pal ace but not the new
.
,

o ne.

Th ree long gra y apes c a pe red ac ros s the road .

Trai n o f l a den c a m e l s th e onl y c reatu r e i n the w orl d

-

nev e r seen i n a w il d state and w hos e origin a l h a bitat is

not kno w n .

Good l ibra ry i n the pal ace—m y book s the re you s ee , .

“ ”
You r Am e ric a n th reat s of wa r we me rel y s mil e at .

S p e e c h o f a n Engl ish l a dy ( who i s a l ittl e ignor a nt o f

h i s tory ) to M r s Cl e m e n s I should h ave qho t ed the Rev
. .

o lut io n aga i n s t no w 70 a g ai n s t 4 5:

The gol d c a nnon is —

sol id a
Gaikwa r made i t to g e t
a head o f h is p r e dece ss or who had made the s ilve r o n e .

They a r e s ix pounde r s o r fou r pound e r s o r s omewhe re

-
,
-
,

along th e r e They have thi n st eel co re s and a re u s ed for

.

sal ut es at mighty i nte rval s a nd not heavily loaded

, .

2 74
 N OT E B O O K
—
S lept al l th e wa y back to Bomba y 1 0 P . Mti ll 7 A M
. . .

Ou r o w n b e dding a nd to w els .

Some u nth i nking p e opl e criticise Ad a m—h n d faul t with

h i m bec a u s e h e w a s wea k a nd y i el d e d Oh that i s not
, .
,

fa i r th a t is not right H e h a d n t h a d any e xpe rience We

’

—
. .
,

h a ve h a d ag e s a nd ag es o e xperience and tu ition w e

f
w ho criticis e hi m and y e t see w h a t w e a r e—j ust see w h at
w e a re w h e n th e r e is any forbidden f ruit a rou nd I h a ve .

be e n a round a good de a l but I h a ve n e ve r b e en i n any

pl a ce w h e re th a t apple w ould be s a fe—e x c e pt All a h a bad
,

Why it is th e p ro h ib i t io n th a t m akes a nyth ing p r e cious

,
.

Th e r e is a ch a rm about the forbidden t h a t m a k e s it um

s p ea k a b ly d e s i r a bl e I t wa s not th at Adam a te the a ppl e
.

for the a ppl e s s a ke but b e cause it w a s forbidd e n I t

’

w ould h a v e b e en b e tter for us—O h i nfi nitely b e tt e r for us

.
,

—i f th e s erpent h ad b e en forbidden .

Con s ide r th e pa tience of these poo r people At sev e n .

th is morn i ng I we nt around th e long ve r a nd a o f th i s

hot e l t o s ee Sm y th e a nd b y a door I s aw a Hindu m a n
,

s e rvant s q u a tti ng, w aiting to be on cal l H e h a d pol ish e d .

h is m a ste r s y e l low shoes and n ow h a d nothing to p ut i n

’

the ti me w ith He wa s ba r e footed the morn ing cold th e

.
, ,

til e s froz e n There he s it s now j u s t a s before w a iti n g

M
.
, ,

9 A .

Not mor e th a n a ten th of the Ganges s b e d has wa t e r ’

i n it G r ea t cro w d o f n atives and h uts a nd fl a gs o n that

.

sandspit I t is the f a g end and fini sh o f th e gr ea t J a nu a ry

.

m ee t wh e n t w o m ill ion n a tive s sw a rm to All ahabad to

,

b a th e i n the s acred w ate rs

A s ick m a n wa s c a rri e d by i n a palanqu in—th e di rty
.

G a n ge s b a t h has heal i n g po w ers .

All th e way ye s te rday wa s th rou g h pa r ch ed l and so wn ,

27 S
 MAR K TWA I N
th ick wi th mud vill ages i n all sta ges o f c ru mbl i ng de c ay
I t is a sor rowf ul l and—a l and of uni maginable pove rty
.

a nd h a rds hip .

Though t th i s w oul d all be come commonpl ace i n a week ;

th ree we e ks of i t h ave onl y en h a nced its fasci na t ions I .

th i nk I s hould alway s like to wait a n hou r for my tra in

i n I n di a .

I f we h ad go t to th e M e le th i s mo r n in g we might h ave
s een a m an w ho h a s n t s at do w n for ye a rs ; another who
’

h a s hel d h is h ands above his he a d for yea r s and neve r

t ri m s h is n ails o r h ai r both ve ry long ; a nothe r who s i t s
wi th h is b a re foot resti ng u pon a lot o f s h a rp s pike s—and
,

all for the g lor y o f G od Hu man b e ings s eem to be a .

poo r i nvention I f they a re the nobles t work o f G od where

.

i s the ignobl est ?

Fou r cr a m p e d l ittl e p a l a nqui ns at the rail ro a d s tation
sa id to cont a i n H i ndu l a di es —d i rty cotton o r duck box e s
,

s hu t up tight al l a round so nobody ca n s e e in—the pe r s on

, , ,

m us t s it up i n the re s h e ca n t l ie do w n The re th ey s t ood

,
’
.

i n the sun waiting the bea rer s s t a ndi ng by

, , .

F e b 8 Today and yeste rday l ay abed a nd s ta rved a

. .

cold Th is eveni ng went to Bel v ide re a nd di ned w ith the

M
.

Lieut Gove rnor o f B e ng a l — Si r Al e xande r ac K enzie

a nd a doze n —p rivate di nne r p a rty

.

Cal cutta Feb ,

. 1 2. Pa c ked theater .

C a l cutta F e b 1 3 Packed hous e j a m med

, . .
— .

Bough t a s il ve r m ug for my n iche as one o f the fou nde r s

of th e Playe r s N ew York ,
.

No b e l l s i n the roo m Th e s e rv an t l ies by you r doo r

.

n igh t s on the s t on e floo r

, .

2 76
 MA RK TWA I N
thos e vast bodi es of hea then—neve r c a n i n th e ve ry n a
ture of things I n all h i s tory go back a s fa r a s y ou wi ll n o
.
,

nati on has ev e r changed it s rel i gion b y p e rs u a sion b u t ,

onl y by compuls ion —by a king s comm a nd Ki ngs ca n t ’

.
’

do th at no w and so the m i ss iona ry busi ne ss i s pl a yed ou t .

Traitors to rel igion a re o f the s a me s tuff a s othe r t raito rs ,

the poores t mate ri al i n the c amp .

And th i s i s I nd ia ! Tropic a l beauti ful and j us t al ive , ,

wi th vill age s .

On e ev e rl a s ti n g s tretch of naked men a nd boys plowi n g

,
r —
th e field but not a w oman o a gi rl not o n e ! Come let ,

us i nt rod uce Aust ri a n B ava ria n and F rench civil iza ti on

, ,

an d Ch ri sti a n ity right a w ay ,

.

“
Whe r e ev e ry p rospect pleas es and onl y m a n is vile .

Th a t described I ndi a and it al s o de sc ribes the avera g e

Ch risti an .

Feb 2 1 Left for Lucknow abou t 1 P

. . Hot a s the M .

n ation The fl a t pl a in s the color o f pal e dust a nd the dus t

.
,

fl y i ng Tiffi n at t w o at J anpu r City No doubt all the s e

. .

o ld n a tive g rayh ead s rem e mbe r th e muti n y .

Sunday 2 3 d D rove w ith Major and M r s A y l me r ( 1 6t h

,
. .

Lan c e rs ) a nd Capt and M rs D a ll a s i n th e regi mental

. .
,

d r ag ove r th e w hol e o f Col i n C a mpbel l s m a rch and al so ’

out to the I ma m B a ra .

W a s di ned by the U n ited Se rvice in the ancient a nd

M
e legant C h ut t e r unzil Pal ace ( u mb rell a pal a ce ) —ve ry
—
l a rg e it is th e Cl ub s Sum ptuous Hom e I n my s p ee ch
’
.

q uoted w hat Wal c ott s aid l atel y i n t he Senate about

England .

Major Ayl me r s nati ve orde rl y i n u ni form brought the

—
’
, ,

i nvitation ridin g on a pi c tu r es quely d res s ed ca m el a

,

s t ately s i g h t .

2 78
 N OT E B O O K
Agra Feb 2 8 Mousa w a s d ru nk a g ai n l ast nigh t ; sec
, . .

o n d t i me i n t w o wee ks At m idnight was sl e eping l ike a

.

l og o n the m a rble s tep s o f th e gr ea t portico w ith h is he a d

o n the ba re fl a g s .

—
Lectu red ; d rov e from the re t w o c a rri a g e s full —t o the
Taj M a h a l a rri v ing a t
,
—c l ea r sky a nd s p le ndid full
moon At th a t moment to o ur su rp ris e a n e cl ipse bega n
.
, ,

—
a nd i n a n hou r was tot a l an a ttention not b e for e o ff e red
to a st r a nge r s i nce the Taj w a s bu il t Att e mpts we r e m a de .

to fu rn ish a n ecl ipse for the P rinc e o f W a l e s i n 1 8 76 a nd ,

i n rec e nt yea rs to 2 0 othe r p ri nces o f th a t hous e but ,

wi thout s ucc e ss How eve r C ol Lock Pol itic a l Ag e nt h a s

.
,
.
, ,

much more i nfluence than any of h is p redecessors have

had .

At noon gav e Mous a a note to ca r ry to Smythe a nd

b ri ng a n a ns w e r a nd told h i m h e could cons id e r h i mself
discha rg e d at 7 this eve n ing H e l a id h is fi ngers a gai ns t .

h is for e h ea d as usu al made the usual i ncl in a tion gentl y

, ,

— “
s a id VVair g ood ( ve ry good ) j ust as he a l way s doe s
”

when r e c e i v i ng a n orde r and that was all Tu rned and, .

went about hi s e rrand I n h is noiseles s b a efeet it w as

. r —
pathetic Was it I ndi a n fatal is m w h ich a cc e pts w ithout
.

m u rmu r wh a t eve r the t w o m ill ion god s s e nd or h ad he ,

h ad this expe rience so often th at i t no long e r a ff e cts hi m ?

Mous a h a d a pp a r e ntl y a bad a ttack o f f e v e r i n Luck
no w before he got d ru nk Li vy w as full o f compass ion and “

g av e h i m a t ea s poonful o f l i q u id h e l l fi re—q ui ni ne Six

.

-
.

hou rs l a t e r he tu rn e d up and s h e o fl ered h i m a noth e r dose

He sa id g r a v e l y Sc oo se me—no si ck no more She and
.

“ ”
.
,
“
Cl a r a beseeched but he on ly sa id Scoo se m e putt in g
, , ,

h i s fin g e r s to h i s forehead a nd mak i ng his h u mble h ow .

I f he ha s h ad any fever si nce he ha s concea l ed it .

Ma rc h 19 . S u s y s bi rt hday—
’
2 4 yea rs old .
[Note
2 79
 MARK TWA IN
“
add ed l ate r : a n d we did n ot k n ow th a t it wa s to be h e r

By all accou nts Engl and i s th e home o f piou s ca nt ; an d

ca nt of a mo s t h a rmful sort Ge n Si r W illia m
. . told
me th at more t h a n hal f t h e hos pi t a l cont e nts all ove r
I ndi a i s s yp hil i s ; h ad ve ry bad cases ; t he s e fi ne he a rty
,

youn g fellows come ou t he re t o defend Engl and a nd En g

l an d m akes n o p rovis ion fo r th e i r n atu ral pass ion—in
famousl y betray s th e m to thei r dest ruction kno w in g he r ,

t reache ry b u t a fraid to go i n th e face o f can t The n tho se

, .

young me n g o home and m a rry fres h you ng E ng

li s h g i rl s a nd t rans mi t a h e ri ta g e of di sease to thei r ch il
d re n a nd g randch ild ren .

Cl ea n w ome n s ubj ect to rigid insp e ction ough t to be

k e pt for these soldier s Any othe r cou rse i s tr e ach e ry to
.

the sol di e r s.

Th i s B 1 Company h ad a dead py thon l anded once A

. . .

yea r l ate r th i s shi p b rough t one to C a l cutta 2 0 0 Our .

Ca pta i n wa s i n s tru cted to s ee fo r h i m se l f t ha t th is on e

w as alive be fore h e a cc epted i t The ma n a h al f ca s te
.
,
-
,

s a id yes h e wa s al ive ; and opened t h e doo r of t he box

,

and gave th e s nake a pun c h wi th a n old u mb re ll a an d

a sked hi m to s how up The s n ake s natched th e u mb rell a
—
.

and made a rush a nd s ho w ed up on d e ck fo rty feet long

,

a nd as big a s a b a rrel Eve ry body wen t aloft bu t the

.
,
“
hal f ca ste s aid : Th ere s no h a r m i n h i m h e j u st ha d a
-
’
,

fe e d that will l a st h i m two years ; c ome a co upl e of you

a nd ta ke h im by th e tai l and hel p me s tee r h im i nto t he
box Which t hey did wi thout t rouble
.
”
.

For s i x hou r s n ow i t h as bee n i mposs ibl e t o r eal ize th at

t h i s is I ndi a a nd the H oogli ( river ) No eve ry few miles
.
,

we s ee a g reat white c ol u m ned Eu ropea n hou s e s tan di ng

i n front of the va s t l evel s w ith a fo res t a w ay back —La
, .

plante r ? And th e th at c h ed g roup s of n a ti ve hou s es h ave

2 80
 CHA PT E R XXV

L ea v in g I n d ia

To Mu i iu
a rt s via Md a ras a nd C olom bo
MA R C H 2 8 96 a t sea,
’
.

Ou r Captai n i s a h a ndsome He rcule s ; youn g r e s ol ute , ,

m anl y a nd h a s a hu g e g reat s plendi d head a sa ti s factio n

, ,

to look a t He h a s th i s od d pec ul i a rity : he cannot tel l the

.

t ruth i n a pl au s ible way He i s the ve ry oppos ite of the

.

au s t e re Sc ot who s i ts m id w ay o n the t able : he cannot t ell

a lie i n a n un pl aus ibl e w ay When th e Ca ptai n fi nishes a
.

s tatem e nt the pas s enge r s g l a nce a t each othe r p rivately

—
, ,
“ ”
as who w ould s y Do you bel ieve t hat ? When the Sco t
a
“
fin ishe s o n e th e look sa y s
,
How s tran g e and i ntere s t
-

”
i ng The whol e s ec ret i s i n the matte r a nd method o f t h e
.

two men The Ca pt a i n i s a l ittl e sh y a nd difli den t a nd h e

.
,

s ta tes the si mpl e s t fact a s i f he we re a l ittl e a fraid of i t ,

while th e Scot del ive r s h i m se l f o f the mos t atrociou s l i e

with such a n a i r o f s te m ve racity th a t o n e i s forced to
b e l ieve it al tho ug h h e kno ws i t is n t s o For i n s tance : th e
’
.

Ca pt a i n told ho w h e c a rried home 62 ch ild ren u nde r seven ,

one voy a ge ne a rl y al l o f th em h ad u ngove rned creatu res

, , ,

bec au s e they h ad been allo w ed al l thei r l ittl e l ives to abu s e

a nd i n s ul t the n ati ve s e rv ant s ; and how a boy o f s eve n
w as s hovi n g a boy of th ree ove rboa rd o n e d a y when the
Capt a i n cau g ht th e vi cti m by th e leg a nd sa ved h i m
the n s l apped the pe r s e c utor a nd s tr a ight w ay g ot a cou pl e
,

of s ti ngi ng s l a p s hi m s el f from the pe r s e c utor s moth e r ’

.

Th e p rivate com m e n t amon g the l ad ie s at the table wa s

“ ?”
Do you really bel ieve she sl apped hi m
P r es entl y t h e Scot told h o w he ca ug h t a s h a r k d own on
2 82
 N OT E B O O K
th e froze n shores o f the An t a r ctic Conti n e nt a nd th e n a,

t i ves took t h e sh a rk awa y from h i m and cut i t op e n a nd ,

b e g a n to t a k e o ut cig a rs and h a i r b rus h e s and h y m n books

-

a nd cork scr ew s and re v olve rs and oth e r th ings b e longing

to a miss ion a ry w ho h a d b ee n m iss e d from the F ri e ndly
I s l a nds th r ee ye a rs b e fore ; and w h e n h e d e m a nd e d a sh a re
of the fi nd th e nati ve s l augh e d i n hi s f a ce and woul d give
h i m no p a rt o f i t e x c e pt a sodd e n wa d o f crumpl e d p a pe r .

B ut th is p a p e r tu rned o ut to be a lott e ry ti ck e t and wit h ,

i t the Scot a ft e rwa rd coll e ct e d a p riz e o f fr a ncs i n

Pa ri s E ve ry body a gr ee d that thi s w as rem a rk a bl e and
.

i nt e r e sti ng but nobod y tri e d to th ro w a ny doub t upon it

,
.

The C a pt a i n tol d h o w a m a ni a c ch a s e d h i m rou nd a nd

rou nd the m a i n mast on e d a y wi t h a n ax u nti l h e wa s
,

ne a rl y exh a ust e d and at l a st the r a cket b rough t th e m a t e

,

up from b e lo w w ho th rew a ste a me r ch a i r i n th e wa y th e ,

m aniac stu mbled ove r i t and fell t he n the mate j u mp e d

,

o n h i s b a ck a nd got the ax a wa y from h i m a nd th e C a p

,

ta i n s l i fe wa s save d There w as noth ing u n re a son a bl e o r

’
.

unl ik e l y a bou t th is y e t the Captai n tol d i t i n s uch a n un

,

pl a us ible w ay th a t i t w a s pl a i n nobody b e l i e v e d h i m .

Pres entl y th e Scot tol d abou t a pe t fl yin g fi sh h e onc e -

owned th at l iv e d i n a l ittl e fou nt a in i n h i s conse rv a to ry

,

a nd s uppo rted itsel f by catchi ng bi rds and frogs i n t h e

n e ighbori ng fi e ld He w as beli e ved He is al way s b e l i e v e d
. .
,

et h e n ev e r t e l ls anyt hin but l ies whe r ea s th e C a t a i n

y g ; p
18 neve r bel ieved al t hough he neve r t e ll s a l i e s o f a r as I
, ,

can j udge .

M y o w n l uck h a s b ee n cu rious all m y l ite r a ry l i fe ; I

neve r could t e l l a l ie an y bod y w ou l d doubt o r a t ru th ,

a nyone woul d believe .

On th e vo y age from Au st r a l i a M a rk T w ai n
h a d r ea d some f a scin a ti n g books on a nt l i fe by ,

Si r John Lubbock .

I n J eypoo r I t ri ed s eve ral of S i r J oh n Lubbock s ’

exp eri

2 83
 M A R K TWA I N
men ts a n d got r es ults s i mi l a r t o h is Th en I t ri ed som e
, .

ex pe ri ment s of m y own Th es e l atte r p roved th a t th e an t

.

i s pecul i a rly i nte ll i gent i n th e highe r conce rn s of l i fe I

const ru cted fou r mi n ia tu r e hou s e s of w o rs hi p—a Moham
.

m e da n mosque a H i ndu templ e a J ew is h s ynagog ue and

, , ,

a Ch ristia n ca th ed ral a nd pl a ced th e m i n a row I then

,
.

m a rked 1 5 a nts wi th red pai nt and tu rn ed th e m loos e .

They made s ev e ral t ri ps to an d fro gl a nci n g i n at th e ,

sever a l pl ace s of wo rsh i p b ut not ente ri ng I tu rn ed l oos e

,
.

1 5 more ,
p ai nted bl ue Th e y acted just a s the red on e s
.

h a d don e I now gilded 1 5 an d tu rned the m loos e N o

. .

ch a nge i n res ul t : the 4 5 t ravel e d b a ck a nd fort h i n a n

e a g e r h u rry pe rs ist e ntl y and c onti nuousl y vi siti n g each
, ,

fane but n eve r e nte ring Th i s s atisfi e d m e th a t th es e ant s

.

—
we re wi thou t rel igiou s p r e j udic e s j ust wh a t I wish ed ;
for u nde r no othe r condition woul d my next and gre a te r
e xpe ri men t be val u a ble .

I now pl aced a s m a ll s q u are o f wh it e pa pe r w ithi n th e

doo r of each f a ne ; U pon the mosque p a pe r I put a pi nch
o f put ty ,
u po n t h e t empl e p a pe r a dab o f t a r u pon the ,

s y n a gogu e pape r a t ri fl e o f tu rpenti n e a nd u pon the ca ,

t h ed ral pape r a s m al l cube of s ug a r F i rs t I l ibe rated th e .

red ants The y exami n e d a nd rej ect ed th e put ty t h e t a r

.
,

and th e t u rp e ntine and th en t ook t o th e s uga r wi th z e al

,

a nd a ppa rentl y s i nce re convicti on I next l ibe rated the .

bl ue a nts they d id exactly a s th e red ones h a d done Th e

, .

gilded a nt s fol lo w ed The p rec e din g res ults w e re p recisel y

.

r e peat e d Thi s s e emed t o p rove b e yond question t hat a nts

.

destitute of rel igiou s p rej udice s will alway s p re fe r Ch ris

t ian it y t o a ny of t he othe r grea t creed s .

Ho we v e r to make s u re I r e moved t he a nts a n d pu t

,

putty i n the c ath e d ral and s ug a r i n the mosq u e I n o w .

l ibe r a ted the ant s i n a body and they r u s h e d t u multu ou s l y

t o th e c a th e d ral I wa s ve ry much touched a nd gr atified
.

a nd we nt i n the back room to writ e do w n the event ; b ut

w he n I ca me back the a nts h a d all a p os tat ized a nd gon e
2 84
 MARK TWA IN
he wa s the j udge i n th e ca s e o f his c h ild a nd so h e m u st
,

allo w th is m a n to be j udge i n the case of h is child re n He .

cannot cl ai m a right which h e den ies to a nothe r m a n .

Ho wev e r w he n the m iss ion a ry s field i s the te rrible

,
’

Ne w Gui n e a hi s s el f rep ro a che s a re p rob a bl y m ild and

-

i n fre q u e nt For h i s work the re h as h a d s uch ben i g na nt

.

res ults that th e y m ust fu rnish bal m for h is t roubled spi rit
A few extracts from New Gui nea —a m iss iona ry r eco rd
.

“ ”
,

will support thi s p ropos ition

“
Wh e n w e fi rs t l anded h ere the n a tive s l i v ed onl y to
figh t and the victo ry w as c e l e b r a ted b y a c a n nib a l fea s t
, .

G r ea t wa s th e ch i e f w ho cl a i med m a n y skulls ; and th e

y ou th who wore a j awbone a s a n a mulet w a s to be ad
m i red
M
.

“
r Ch a l me r s pointed out the spot w h e re a Pa ri l a d
.

w a s kill e d a nd p a rtly devou red b y crocod il e s The wid .

o w ed mothe r the s i s te r s and others r e l a tiv e s ate raw th e

, ,

pa rt save d to evi nce thei r love to th e d e ce ase d !

,

No w the tal e ch a nges ; the m ission a ry ca me i n 1 878 .

Th e y l a bor e d for y ea rs Wi th th is result :

.

“
F rom th is d a t e there has been no fi g hting o r ki llin g all
”
alon g the co a s t .

One o f th e ci rcus me n tol d me th at i n the D utch s e t tl e

ments i n Su m a t ra th e soldie r s b a rracks a re v is ited twice
’

a w eek by w ome n s e n t b y th e g ov e rn ment a fte r inspec ,

tion A B ritish G e ne ral s aid tha t s u c h a thing would raise

.

a tempes t i n E n g l and and cannot be ventu red a l though

, ,

i t i s a s m uch E ngl a nd s duty t o p rovid e sa fe w ome n fo r

’

t he s oldi e rs a s i t i s to p rovide whole s ome food for the m .

Hal f the soldi e r s i n hos pit a l a re diseas e d Th e y g o home

.

and ma r ry health y g i rl s a nd di s ea s e them .

Th e No rth Ame ric a n sq u a w s trap s h e r b a b y to a boa rd

and ca rri es it ove r he r b a ck by a s tr a p a rou nd he r fore
h ead ; the Hi nd u a nd many s ava g es carry b a by a s t r ide th e
2 86
 N OT E B OO K
h ip ; th ese M a l ay nu rs e s abo a rd pa ss a sc a rf ove r right
s hould e r and u nd e r l e ft a rm and baby s it s i n it as i n a
s w i ng and folds hi s a rms a nd h ea d o n n u rse s s hould e r ’

and sl e eps i n g r ea t comfort The be st way y e t o f c a r ry ing

.

a baby afte r it i s bor n

, .

The onl y w ay o ne ca n g et ev e n a di m idea o f th e

t a ngl e d m y st e r y o f c a st e is to i m a gi ne it amon g one s ’

f ri e nd s and h ea r gossi ps s ay
,
“
A rchie J a ckson h a s d e gr a ded the cotton th re a d ; h e h a s
d ru nk from A le c P e t e rson s ic e p itch e r and b ee n e xcom
’
-
,

m un ic at ed a nd ostr a ciz e d by the D a gg e tts and B a rn a rds

a nd Whit a k e rs a nd al l th a t caste D ick T a ylor h a s b e en

.

c a ught l ist e ni ng to th e r ea ding o f the B ibl e a nd h a s b e en

b r a nded o n his t e rmi nus and exiled to Kal a m azoo ”
.

The u ppe r c a ste s r e g a rd us a s th e di rty people s D i rty .

is th e righ t w ord ; it a ccu r a t e l y de s crib e d w h a t th e Hindu

th inks o f us Of cou rse we must be disgusti ng obj e cts to
.

h im ; o f cou rse w e ofte n t u rn his stom a ch He wash e s h is

.

g a rment s every day; w e come i nto h i s p r e s e nce i n co a t ,

vest and b re e ches th a t h a ve nev e r be e n i n th e wa sh s ince

they left the t a ilor s h ands ; the y a r e st a l e w ith ancient
’

“
sweat tob a cco s moke a nd so on No doubt h e s a ys Ug h !
,
.
”

and retch e s ; but h is fe el ings a re not allowed to show out

s ide for h e i s a cou rt e ous bein g
,
.

You s ay th e Hindus a re u nspe a k a bly i nd e cent i n t hei r

l an g u a ge—the grown people and the ch ild r e n a l ike I f .

they so earnes tl y desi re t o be c leanly w h y do th ey do,

?
th at
Because according to t hei r s tanda rd s uch th i ng s a re not
objection a bl e Al so according to thei r s tand a rd l y ing i s
.
,

n ot a si n Th ey al l l ie and th i nk it no evil Anothe r th ing

. .
,

you h a ve notic e d from t h e c a r w i ndo w s that they publ icl y

and w i thout e mb a rrass ment i ndul ge in va riou s habits
whi ch to us a r e forbidde n B y thei r sta ndard t hi s is no
.

2 87
 MARK TWA IN
offen s e .J apa n fo rme rl y both s exes bath ed n ak ed in
In
publ ic The newl y a r riv ed wh ite people we re disgu s ted
. .

The i n noc ent J apanese sa id — “

What di rt y m inds thes e
white peopl e ha v e By thei r soci a l c reed al l the deta il s o f
.
”

th e body w e re w o rthy o f re s p e ct since the god s m ade the m

a nd no deta il o f i t i s contem ptibl e o r i ndecent Each r a ce .

dete r m i nes for i tsel f wh at i nde c encies a r e Nat ur e k now s .

n o i nde c en ci e s ; m an i n ven t s them .

At Sea
How s el dom on e gl a nces at the sea on th is v oyag e W e
M
.

s it on th e p romen a de deck u nde r th e a wn ings from 7 A

M
.

till 1 1 P and som e ti mes u pon g oing to bed I re al ize

. .

th at I have not cons ciously s ee n th e sea t he whole day .

The c reatu re s t h at fl y a re by fa r th e Lord s m os t im ’

porta n t cre a tion He h a s p rovided for the m a do m a i n

.

( home ) forty m il es deep wh ich envelops th e whol e g l obe .

The cr e atu res th at l ive i n s a l t wate r a re next i n i m por

ta nce He h a s p rovided for th e m a dom a i n s ome mil es
.

deep wh ich cove rs th ree fi ft h s o f the g lob e 3 su rf a ce Next

-
’
.

i n i mpo rtance i s Man fo r to m a n he h as gi v en t he s ki n

,

wh ich thi nly cove r s t w o fi ft h s o f the globe s s u rfac e O n

-
’
.

o ne fi ft h o f i t he ca n r a i se s no w ici c l es
- s and roc ks an d
, , , ,

noth ing el se ; and o n th e oth e r fi fth h e ca n r a ise enou g h

f ood to keep h is race al ive bu t i t take s ha rd g rubbi n g to
do i t a nd then t he w ea th e r th at he mu s t fi gh t—the
,

d rough t t he flood the h ai l th e h u rricane

, , ,
.

Ma c a uley s peaks o f the publ i c executione r s od iou s ’

offi c e I f i t i s a n od iou s offi ce then o f nece ss ity th e law

.
,

th at creates the offi c e i s a n odious law the la w th at c reates

dea th penal tie s i s a n odiou s l aw the j u ry tha t a ppl i es t he
,

l a w pen a l ty i s a n od iou s i n s titution and th e j ud g e who

p ro no u nce s t h e dea t h s ente n c e exe rci s e s a n od iou s fu n c
ti on ; and th e en ti r e lo t are le giti m ate ob j ects o f con temp t
2 88
 MA RK TWA I N
Eve ry volu n tee r i n th e a rm y ofl ers hi s l i fe to s ave h i s
'

cou ntry or hi s co un try s hono r an d does i t on the ch an c e

’
,

th a t hi s death may l and h i m i n hell not on the g r e at ,

w hite th rone wh ich w as Ch ri s t s s u re de s tination Fo r

,
’
.

men to th row the i r l ive s a w ay fo r othe r peopl e s s ake i s ’

o n e of the c om mone s t events i n o ur eve r d a y h istor I t

y y .

i s l udicrou s to see th e Chu rch m a ke s omething fi ne out

of t h e onl y i n s ta nce o f i t where no t h i n g was risked th at
wa s of con s equence fo r noth ing was i nvolved but a few
,

hou rs of p a i n ; and eve ry g i rl take s a risk s upe rior to th at

when s h e ma rries a nd s ub j ec t s h e r s el f to th e p robable
pai n s o f ch ildbi rt h i ndefinitel y repe a ted
,
.

Th e re s eems to be noth i n g connected with th e atone

ment s cheme th at i s ration al I f Ch ri s t was God He i s i n
.
,

the attitude o f One who s e an g e r agai n s t Ada m h a s grown

so u ncontrol l a ble i n the cou rse of a g es that nothi n g but a

s acrifice o f l i fe ca n appe a se it and so without notici ng

,

ho w illogic a l the act is goi ng to be God condemns Hi m s el f

—
,

to d ea th c om mi ts s u icide on the cro ss and i n th is in ,

g en io us way w i pe s o ff t h at ol d score I t i s sa id th at t h
. e
way s of G od a re not l ike ou r s Le t us not conte st th i s .

poi nt .

I f Ch rist was G od then th e c rucifi xion is w ithout dig

,

n ity I t is m e rel y ridiculous for to endu re seve r a l hou rs ’

.
,

pai n i s nothi n g he roic i n God i n any case ,

.

A pa ra g raph or t w o of th is ent ry has b e en

omitt e d bei n g a r e p e tition of wh a t h e h a s s a i d
,

el sew he re .

The re bei n g 2 1 0 va rietie s of Ch r i s tian s i n the w o rl d ,

ea c h w ith a na me of its o w n ( rema rk i n a notice of the

di s pute bet w e e n Ma rcu s Cla rke and a n e cclesia s tic o f the
Ch u rch of Engl and—a B is hop ) and each b e l ie v ing itsel f
t o be the n e a r es t right o f a l l of th e m the s a vage h ates to ,

g ive up a ce rta i nty fo r a n u nce rta in ty H e h as n o d oub ts .

29°
 N OT E B OO K
co n c e rn in g h i s o w n r el i gion and n a turally hes i tates to go
,

g rop i ng a mong 2 1 0 ki nd s o f doub t lest he los e h i s way

,

and los e h im s elf Thi s is on e o f th e r eas on s why mi ss iona ry

.

effort p rod uces s u ch ba rren re s ul ts .

Th e notebooks co nta i n noth i n g abo ut Mau

ri t i us I t is l ikely t h at he wrote hi s notes i n ve ry
.

ext e nd e d fo rm o n sheets o f pape r w hich l a te r he

, ,

used w ithou t much chan g e i n his book— Follow “

in g th e E q u a tor They s ail f ro m the re Ap ril 2 8

”
.

for Sou t h Af ri ca .

29 1
 CHAPTE R XXV I

I n S out h A fri ca

M4 AY ,
1 896 On th e d rive to t h e T r appi st Mo n a st e r y
.
,

splendid s pot o f fi re g lowing at i nte rval s a foot a bove the

g ra s s I t wa s a fl o w er —a flo w e r th e s ize o f a ch ild s fist
.
,
’
,
“
upl i fted o n a ve ry s l e nde r s te m I t s uggested torch I t . .

w as diffi cul t to s ee how i t could s u ggest an y th i ng el s e

“
u nl ess pe rh ap s l amp I nqu i ri ng was told i t i s c a lled the
”
.
,
“
l ante rn flo w e r I t i s w rong L a nte rn s a re n ot pe rched o n
”
. .

top of pol es bu t t orche s a re a nd s treet l amp s

, ,
.

B anan a field s and p ine a ppl e A g rass th a tched hut .

-

p e epi ng from a wild e rness o f b ro a d ban a na leav e s i s j ust

right Any oth e r ki nd o f house doe s not h a rmon ize Al l
. .

th rough th e two-hou r d rive ove r th e h ill s th ere w e r e

,

ple a s a nt s u rp rises I could frame gl i mps e s with my h and s

.
, ,

of rock s and g rassy slop e s a nd dist a nt g roups o f t r ees

—
that we re exact l y A me ric a n New Engl a nd N ew York , ,

Io wa —remove the h ands and let grou ps o f t ropic thi n gs

s piky pl ants pl a nts l ike b unche s o f ve g etable s word s
, ,

pl u my tal l pal m s the c a ctus t ree th e fl at roof t ree and -

so o n —th e ill usion wa s gone A g ai n the road woul d be l ike

, , ,

a p rai rie ro a d—s andy deep rutted t he g ra ss y expan s e s

.

, ,

l ike th e i r l ike i n th e p rai rie ; couples and g roup s o f n eg ro

men and wome n s troll in g alon g d re s sed exact l y l ike our
d a rkie s and w ith exa ctl y the s ame f ac e s—and I coul d
,

ima g i ne mysel f i n T e xa s ; then s uddenly a g an g of n u

mod ifi e d Zul u s w ould a ppea r f e stoon e d w ith glas s b e ads
,

a nd w ith n eckl a c es made of th e ve rt e b r a o f s nakes t he ,

men s hai r wrou g ht i n to a my r iad o f l ittle wo r my fo r m s

’
,

292
 MAR K TWA I N
lowin g t h e revoca t ion of th e Edi ct of N antes Fou nd I h ad .

m e t H a m mond m a ny y ea rs ago whe n h e wa s a Y a le

—
S e n ior vis itor at G e n F r a nkl i n s An E ngl is h p rison e r
.
’
.

hea rd me l ect u re i n London 2 3 y ea r s ago Gu a rd b a rr e d

me off from cros si ng a l i ne—called the death l i ne M a d e
.

“ ”
-
.

a tal k—o r a S pe e ch —s itting Expl a i n e d to the p risoners

.

w hy t h e y w e re bett e r o ff i n j a i l th a n th e y w oul d be a ny
w here e l s e ; th a t they woul d eventuall y h ave gott e n i nto
j a il a nyho w fo r o n e th ing or anothe r no doubt ; th a t i f
, ,

th e y got out they would get i n ag a i n ; th a t i t woul d be

bett e r al l a rou nd i f they remai ned qu ietly where th e y
we re and m a de th e best of it ; that a fte r a few month s
th ey would p r e fe r the j ail a nd it s l uxu riou s i ndol e nce to
th e sordid st ruggl e for b r e ad outsid e ; and th a t I w oul d
do e ve ryth i ng I coul d s hort of b ri bery to g e t t he g ove rn
, ,

ment to doubl e thei r j a il te r m s .

These p risoner s w ere th e J a m e son r a id e rs ,

w ho i n a n end e avor to c a r ry o ut o n e o f C e cil

Rh od e s pl ans h ad been c a ptu r e d by Boe rs 1
.

“
President K ruge r ( Oo m w ho h a d but a
m e age r sen se of h u mor he a rd o f M a rk T wa i n s
,
’

comments—in the j ail and to a reporte r— and ,

ordered th at th e p ri s one r s be more rigidly con

fi n e d Clemens whe n he h ea rd o f this p aid a vis it
.

to P re s ident K ruge r ( see e nt ry M a y 2 6) and

“
ex pl a i n e d h i s jok e w ith the resul t th a t the
”
,

tr ea t me nt of the p risone rs i mp rov e d and they

we re p re s ently disch a rged ( See entries May 30 .

and j une m)
W hat s o rt of i n sa n ity is that moves banquetee r s to
it -

appoi nt as chai rma n the o n e m a n a mon g the m who i s

des titute of qu a l ifications for the pl ac e I t i s no ex agge ra
?

ti on to s ay that i n ni ne ca s es o ut o f t e n th i s i s the case .

F o r a c l ea r e l uci da ti on o f t h e T ransvaal ( So ut h A f ri can Re

‘

p b
u lic ) difi cul ti es an d t h e J e am so n rai d
, see
F ollo w in g t he Equat or .

2 94
 N OT E B OO K
Th e m a n be g i ns by s aying h e is no spe a ke r—a fa ct wh ich
shoul d pe rsu a de h i m to s ay no mor e bu t s it p romptly
do w n and a ppoi nt some o n e w ho is a sp ea k e r to do his
w ork for h i m Then h e go e s stu mbl ing a long th rough h is
.

i mp e rf e ctl y m e morized S p ee ch o f w e lcom e and compl i

m e nts to th e gu e st o f the ev e ni ng and n ea rl y a l way s los ing
cou r a ge wh e n he com es to o n e o f h is h a p p y jok e s d e l iv e r ,

i ng i t i n s uch a s h a m e f a c e d w ish I h a dn t st a rt e d in o n it
- -
’
- - - -

way as to m a ke it i mpossibl e fo r th e t a bl e to respond to

i t i n a n y but a n a rtifici a l m a nn e r a sort o f s p e ct ral l a ugh
,

t e r th a t blo w s a ch ill upon the sp ea k e r a nd the w hol e

pl a ce
.

I t is a cru e l custom a nd i m m ea s u r a bly stu pid I f th e .

ch a i rm a n woul d a dd a n y r e m a rk a bout an yt h in g i n th e
world a ft e r h e h a s fi nis hed his compl i m e nts i t w oul d
, ,

s av e th e gu e st ; for a n y th ing ex c ept a compl i m e nt i s text

'

enough i t is a l l a guest ne e ds a t a convivi al g a the ri ng

, .

M ay 2 6 A mos t sup e rb moon c a m e Up a t s u nset h ug e

.
, ,

rou nd a nd i nt e n s e l y and S pl e ndidly wh ite i n th e s pac e s

, ,
“
not occu p i e d by th e NIan B ut th e n ew f ea tu r e th e
”
.
,

striking f ea tu re wa s th is : th a t th e re didn t s ee m to b e
,
’

a ny m a n th e r e o r a n y d e finite figu r e o r form but only a

, ,

tumbl e a nd con fus ion o f pal e v a gu e rich sp e ctr a l s mok e

, , ,

w re a th s occup y i ng th e M a n s accustom e d pl a ce and cove r

’

i ng a d e al more space th a n h e eve r do e s when he i s

p r e s e nt .

V i sited P r e s id e nt K rug e r H e wa s i n ordi n a ry e v e ry

.

d a y cloth e s and s at i n a n a rmch a i r s moking Bo e r to

, ,

b a cco ( th e com mon bl a ck ki nd ) h is h ea d a nd bod y b e nt

,

forwa rd H e h a d a b a d col d a nd a ve ry h usky voic e H e

. .

s a id h e f e l t fri e ndl y to wa rd Am e ric a a nd th a t i t w as h i s

,

disposition to b e l e n i e nt w ith the A m e ric a n captiv es .

T al king of p a t riotis m w h a t h umbug i t is ; it is a word

whi ch a l w ays commemor a te s a robb e ry The r e i s n t a foo t .
’

29 5
 MA R K TWA I N
o f l an d th e wo r l d wh i ch doe s n t rep res en t t he ousti ng
in
’

“
an d t e ou sti ng of a lon g l ine o f s ucces s ive owne rs who
-
”
,
“
e ach i n tu rn a s pat riots wi th p roud s well i ng hea rts de
, ,
”

“
fend e d i t ag a inst the next ga ng of robbe rs w ho ca me to ”

—
s te al i t and did a nd beca me s well i n g hea rted pat riot s i n -

t h ei r tu rn A nd this Tran s va a l now i s ful l o f patriots

.
, , ,

who by th e h e l p o f God w ho i s al w a ys interes ted i n t hese

,

th ings stol e the l and from th e f ee ble bl a ck s and then

, ,

re s tol e it from the E ngl is h robbe r and h a s put u

- th e
p
—
monu me nt w h ich the n ex t robbe r will p u ll down a nd
k ee p a s a cu rios ity .

Ma y 2 8 D rove i n th e a fte rnoon wi t h Poultney B igelow ;

.

a nd a fte r l e ctu re he a nd I w ent to th e s u m ptuou s b a chelor

house of a Germa n friend o f h is a nd h ad su ppe r and co m
fo rt ab le fi re ( cold n ight ) a nd hot w h isk e y and ciga rs ; and
good t a l k about Hel mholz a nd um son and V i e rch ow M .

I th in k the Veldt i n it s sobe r wi nte r g a r b i s as b ea u

ti ful as P a r a dise The re we re u nl i ned s t retches day before
.

y e st e rd ay w he re i t w en t roll in g a nd sw e ll i ng a nd risi n g
a nd s ubs idin g a nd sw eeping g randl y on a nd sti ll o n l ike ,

a n oce a n to w a rd t he remote horizon it s pale b ro w n de e p

, ,

en in g by d e l ic a tel y gr a duat e d s had e s to rich oran g e a nd

fi nal l y to p u rpl e and cri m s on w he re i t was h e d agai ns t the

wooded h ill s and n a ked red cra gs at the base o f the sky .

Th e s e d a rkie s —j us t l ike ou rs — a re n ot qu it e so b i g a nd
b r a wny a s the Nat a l Zul us A nd the l a ngua g e s eems to
.

h ave no Zul u cl icks i n it ; seem s t o h a ve no a n gl es o r

corn e r s i n it no rough n e s se s no vile S s or othe r h is s in g
, ,
’

s ound s—ve ry v e ry m e llo w a nd rou nded a nd flo w i n g The

,
.

w omen h ave the sw eet s oft m usic a l voice o f ou rs t oo I ,

.

follo w ed a co u ple o f the m a m ile to l i s ten to the m u s ic o f

thei r s pee c h and th e h appy rippl e o f the i r l au g h .

Wh at a cu ri o us th ing a det ec ti v e s tory i s And wa s .

there e v e r o ne th a t the a uthor ne e dn t be a s ha med o f, ’

“ ”
exc ept the M u rde r s i n t h e Rue Morgue ?
2 96
 MA R K TWA IN
wh at would you give to have you r li fe r es to r ed ? H e ”

wo uldn t gi ve a b ra s s fa rth in g
’
.

The A me rican ch a racte ris tic i s U ncou rteous ness We .

a re the I mpol it e N a ti on I n th is detai l w e st a nd miles and

.

miles above o r belo w o r beyond any othe r n a ti on s ava g e

, , ,

o r civil iz e d .

—
We a re c a lled th e I nventi ve Nation but othe r n ations
i nv e n t And w e a re c al l ed th e B r a ggi ng Nation —but oth e r
.

n a tions b rag And w e a re c a lled the E ne rgetic N a tion

.

b ut the re a re othe r e ne rgetic n a tions I t is onl y i n un .

cou rt eous ness i ncivil ity i m p ol itene ss t ha t we s tan d alone

, , ,
— u ntil hel l s h al l be hea rd from .

Th e bl ack s av a ge w hom t he Boe r h a s d ri ven o ut wa s

b ri m m i ng ove r w ith good n a tu re and com rade s hi p and
fri endl iness a nd he w as t h e ch e eri e st s oul a nd h ad the
, ,

eas iest l i fe i n the w orld ; a nd it w a s al way s o n t a p a nd

ready He w e nt n a k e d ; he w as di rt y ; he hou s ed h i msel f l ik e
.

a co w ; h e w as i ndol e nt ; he w orsh ipped a fetich ; h e wa s a

s av a g e a nd all h is custom s w e re s av a ge ; b ut he had a s u nny
,

s pi rit and a t bottom a good d ispos ition

,
.

H e wa s repl a c e d b y the B oe r a white sa va g e w h o i s

, ,

di rty ; house s h i ms e l f l ike a cow ; i s i ndolent ; w orsh i ps a

fetich ; i s gri m s e rious s olem n a nd i s alwa y s dil ig e n tl y fi t
, , ,

ting h i ms e l f for h e aven p rob a bly s uspectin g th at t hey

,

c ouldn t s ta nd hi m i n th e othe r pl a c e
’
.

A t bill i a rds Ca rl yl e Sm y t he beat s me to death —b y fl uk

i n g N ow I h ave ruled fi ukin g o ut n e ithe r beat s the othe r
.
,

more th a n five poi nt s i n a h u nd red We c oun t a fl u ke but .

,

reti re We make the s a me n umbe r o f flukes i n e a ch ga me

.
,

but the t rouble be fore wa s t h a t he gen e rally pil ed th r ee

fl uke s on t o p o f the fi r s t but I n ever could, .

I t wa s hi s h abit to make new rule s d rivi n g

b illi a r ds : Som e ti me s a rule fo r som e s peci al s h ot .

2 93
.
 N OT E B OO K
At Lau rence H utton s t a bl e t w o o r th ree year s ago
’
,

H e n ry I rvi n g s poke a cross to me and a sk e d if I h ad hea rd

t h e sto ry a bou t s uch and s uch a m a n etc I t cost m e
,
.

som e th ing t o s ay no but I s aid it Then he st a rted t o t e l l

,
.

the s tory —h e s it a t e d — said—you a re su re y ou h av e n t ’

he a rd it ? I b r a c e d up a g a i n a nd s a id— no pe rf e ctly s u re ,
.

He we nt o n a s e nt e nc e or t w o fu rth e r a nd once mor e

, ,

i nt e rru p t e d hi ms e l f to in q ui r e i f I w a s a bsol utely ce rtai n

“
I h a d n t h ea rd it Th e n I s a id : I c a n l i e once I c a n l ie
’
.
,

t w ic e for cou rt e sy s s a ke ; but I d r a w the l i ne the re ; I

,
’

c a n t l i e th e th i rd ti m e at a ny p rice : I h ave hea rd the

’

s to ry for I i n ve nt e d it mys e l f And th a t w as the truth

,
. .

I n Aust r a l i a a m a n d ropped i n to t a l k w ith me at a

cl ub a nd I s aw i n a mom e nt th at he w as a p e rson w ith a
local story t e l l ing reput a tion a nd th a t he wa s goi ng to
-

sho w o ff b e for e t h e comp a ny H e b e g a n to rem a rk upon

.

t he slo w n e ss o f th e N ew Z ea l a nd r a il way s e r v ice a nd I

s aw th a t h e wa s w orki ng up th e atmosph e re fo r a n an ec

dot e a nd p res e ntl y he l au nch e d th e a n e cdote A n e cdot e .

a bout how he a dvis e d th e conductor to pu t th e co w catche r

“
o n th e oth e r e nd o f the t r a i n bec a use w e a r e not goi ng
to o ve rt a k e an y co w s b ut t h e re i s no p rot e ction a ga i nst
,

th e i r cl i mbi ng a bo a rd a t th e oth e r e nd a nd biti ng t he p a s

sen ge rs I coul d h a v e e mb a rr a ssed hi m a l ittle by re
”
.

m i nding th a t th e r e a r e no co wc a tch e rs on Au str a l ian

t r a i ns ; a nd I could h a v e e mb a rr a ssed h i m stil l more per ,

h aps b y sho w i ng hi m th a t I h a d p ri nt e d th a t l i t tl e tale

,

when h e wa s a b o y I n fact I i nvented i t for use i n a lec

.

tu re a hoa ry long ti me a g o
, .

Su nday Ju ne 1 4 Ve ry heavy sea on tonight Ou r s h i p

,
. .

l ies i n s ight h a l f a m ile a w ay but w e m ay n ot be abl e to

,

g et across th e ba r tomorrow .

Th e h u ma n i m a gi n a tion i s much more c apabl e t h a n it

2 99
 MA R K TWA I N
g e ts cr edi t fo r Th i s i s w h y
. N iaga ra i s alwa ys a disap
poi ntm ent whe n one se e s it fo r the fi rst ti m e On e s i m ag .
’

i n at io n h a s lon g ago bu il t a N ia g a r a to w h ich th is o n e i s

“
a poo r d ri bbl i ng th ing The oc ea n with its w ave s ru n ning
.

mount a i n high i s al w a y s a disappoi ntment a t fi rs t s ight ;

”

t h e i magi nation h a s constructed re a l mou nt a i ns w he re as ,

the s e w he n sw ell ing a t th e i r v e ry bigg e st and highe s t a re

no t i m po s i n g The Taj i s a dis a ppoi ntment though people
.

a re ash a med to conf e s s it G o d w ill be a dis a ppoi ntment

.

t o most o f us at fi rst I wis h I could see the Ni a ga r a s and

,
.

Ta j s wh ich th e h u m a n i magin ation h as constructed why ,

then bl ess you I s hould s ee Atl a ntics pou ri ng do w n o ut

, ,

o f th e s ky o v e r clou d r a ng e s a nd I s houl d s ee Taj s o f a

,

form s o gr a ciou s a nd a sp i ritu a l exp r e ss ion so divi ne a nd

a ltog e th e r so s ubl i me a nd so l ovely and w orsh ipfu l th a t
—
we l l St P e t e r s Vesuvi us He a v e n H e l l e ve ryt h ing th at
.
’
, , , ,

is m uch described is bou nd to be a dis appoi ntmen t at fi r st

exp e ri e nce .

Tuesd ay Jun e 1 6 Lying at an c hor before East London

, .
,

Norh a m C a s tle a l a rge and ve ry fi ne s h i p Sm y the and I

,
.

cam e a bo a rd ye ste rda y a fte rnoon although w e a re du e to ,

sail th is afte rnoon ; b ut the t ug m ight not be abl e to cros s

the ba r i f a g reat s e a s houl d be ru nn i ng and th e re i s a ,

consid e r a bl e sea today ; i t dashe s itsel f aga i n s t th e big

ston e b reakwate r nea r th e mouth of the ri ve r and bu rs ts
u p i n a vast w hite v o l u me wi t h l a c ed ed g e s appa ren tl y ,

t oo feet h i g h .

Th u r s day Ju ne 1 8 Cabl eg r a m s ayi n g th e D rum mond

,
.

Ca s tl e h as gone down o ff Plymouth 40 0 l ive s lo s t Th i s at , .

Po rt El izabeth .

Wh at ough t t o be do n e to th e m a n w h o i nvented th e
c e l eb r a ti ng o f an nive rs a r ie s ? Me re kill i ng would be t oo
l i g ht Annive rs a rie s a r e ve ry well up to a c e rtai n po int
.
,

3 0 0
 MAR K TWA I N
w o uld re g a rd s elf p r a i s e
-
as u nb eco m i n g t he di gn i ty o f His
I UOD
p O S .

He w ould not h ave the s pi ri t of ven g e an ce in His hea rt ;

th e n it could not i ss ue from His l ip s
—
.

There woul d n ot be any hel l e xcep t the one we l ive i n

from th e cr a dl e to th e g r a ve
Ther e w ould not be any heaven—o f the ki nd de s c ri bed
.

i n th e w orld s B ible s ’
.

H e w oul d s p e nd some of His ete rnities i n t ryi ng to for

g i ve Hi ms e l f for m a ki ng m a n u nh app y when He could
h av e m a de h i m h appy wi th t h e s a me effo rt a nd He wo uld
sp e nd the rest o f the m i n studyi ng as t ronomy .

Cradoc k Monday Ju ne 2 9 Stopped off he re for a d a y

, ,
.
,

yeste rday eve ni n g ten hou rs from G rah a mstown V i c

, ,

tori a Hotel i n a s ide of t h e va s t b a re dust blo w n squ a re

,
-
.

Cloud s o f d us t blo w i n g alon g th e po w e rful wi nd l ike ,

s now i n N e w En g l a nd o n a r aw Ma rch morn ing Ve ry .

nice a nd ne a t and com fo rtabl e hotel Negro w ome n c a n t .

’

u nde rs tand E ngl is h Negro boy wa s orde red to b ri ng fi r e

.

a nd w ood and buil d h i s fi re And s u re enough he did .

b rin g fi re o n a s hovel a t h in g I h ad not s een before s ince

’

I wa s a boy .

Ki mbe rl ey J uly I W en t to the g rea t c rate r origi n a l

,
.
,

Ki mb e rley di a mond mi ne w ith M r Robeson a ssistant en ,

.
,

g i n ee r to Ga rd i ne r Will i a m s ; a l so to the g re a t hoistin g

w orks o f the D eB eers Con s ol idated C o al so to the di a .

mond offi ce a nd s aw th e day s ta ke wort h ; also ’

,

to th e com pou nd wi th hi m a nd M r Dalla s and saw the .

n a tives dan c e .

Th u r s day J ul y 2 Wen t wit h M r and M r s R obeson to

the No 2 w a s hout a nd s aw t he concen t rators —e ach o n e
. . .

t reats 300 ca rload s a day a n d th e r e s ult i s th ree ca rloads

of s l us h and s tuff wh i c h goes t o th e pul s a tor a n d t he th ree
30 2
 NOTE B OO K
ar the re r edu c ed t o a q ua rt e r o f a load and t h i s is ex
e

am i n ed b y h a nd and th e diamonds r e moved .

The w hole D eB eers conce rn t reats 80 0 0 ca rload s a d a y

1 60 0 lbs of stu ff to each load —a nd t h e res ult i s 3 lbs a voi r

du poi s o f diamond s —a big doubl e handful wo rth ,

or

Dam n th e subj uncti ve I t b rings al l

. o ur writ e rs to s hame .

20 3
 CH A PT E R XXVI I '

En g lan d

Susv CL E MEN S di ed i n H art ford Au gus t 1 8 , ,

s oon afte r the a rrival i n En g l a nd ( from

So u th Af ri c a ) of the Ma rk Twa i n pa rty On the
fi r s t word of Su s y s ill ne ss M
.

rs Clemen s and
’
.

Cl a ra h ad s ailed fo r Ame rica M r Cle men s re ,

.

m ai ni n g i n E n gl a nd w he re they h a d taken a
,

hou s e at Gu il ford Wh e n th e foll ow i n g n ote s

,
.

we re m ade t h e s orro w i n g mothe r and dau ghte r

,
“
had retu rned Ma rk Twa i n s Su s y n ote s fol
.
’ ”

low th i s c h a pt e r .

Monday S ep t 2 1 D ay a fte r t omorrow the queen wi ll

. .

h ave achieved th e lon g e s t rei g n i n t h e history o f the En g

l ish th rone Sh e wi ll come withi n twelve yea rs of t he
.

longe s t rei g n i n th e h i sto ry o f a ny th rone Lou i s X IV

seventy t w o yea rs
- .

Se p t
. Hou s e h u nti ng a g ai n E n g l and i s the l a nd of
22 .
- .

n eat a nd p re t ty a nd s hapely a nd pol ite hou s e maid s An .

u gly o r ill d r e ss ed o r un po l i s hed o ne i s r a re ve ry rare

-
, .

They we re p re s en tl y l oca ted i n Chel s ea on ,

Tedwort h S qu a re No 2 3 ,
. .

Al l the dogs h ere wea r m uzzl e s Of c ou rse they p refe r .

,

it Doubtl e ss s ome du c al dog wo re on e one day me rely

.
, ,

be c a u s e he had the tooth a c he or for fun a nd the n t h e , ,

oth e r s ad o p ted i t .

3 4
0
 MA R K TWA I N
foun d th ey could not be depe n ded o n a n d h ad to d o it ,

m yself .

Th e moral s en s e en able s one t o pe r c eive morality—a n d

avoid i t The i m moral s en s e enables o n e to pe rceive im
.

moral ity and enjoy i t .

Oct . 24
’
9 6 .W rot e th e fi rs t ch apte r of the b ook today .

[R ound t he World Late r ca lled F ollow i ng t he Equat o r ]

. .

M ax ( Orel l ) th a t i ndu s t riou s de al e r i n l itera ry old clo ’

.

Th a nkful h e h as kept th e respe ct &c Let h i m ventu re to .

S y dn ey a nd see B ut the re is no h a rm i n h i m He me rel y

. .

“
fell i nto l it e r a tu re as a bl i nd mul e f a ll s i nto a w ell He
”
.

“ ”
conti nues i n l it becau se he fi nd s it cool and plea s ant to
s oak h i msel f i n othe r p eople s w ate r ’
.

London i s a coll e ct ion of vi ll ages When you l ive i n on e .

of t h e m w it h its q u iet ba c k streets ( Chelsea ) and it s on e

street o f stor e s and shop s ( Kin gs road ) l ittl e bit s o f s tor es

a nd s hops l ike th os e of a ny othe r vill a g e it i s not pos sibl e ,

for you to r e al ize th at you a re i n th e hea rt of the g reate s t

ci ty i n th e world .

B e ca rel ess in you r dr ess if you must but keep a ti dy

,

s o ul
.

Ou r add res s dis c ove red a fte r t h ree week s of peaceful

secl usion Given to some re po rte r by Chelsea l ibra ri an ?
.

B ut how di d he know m e ?

The lon g l e gg ed g ray bi rd i n th e G rand Hotel Ga rde n

-
,

i n Port El iza beth th at dan c ed and s howed off A s ked .

Cl a ra to tell abo u t hi m And the o ne th a t played wi th t h e

.

kee pe r a t J aypore .

30 6
 N OT E B O O K
D oes th e h um an bein g reason No ; h e th i nks m use s
?
, ,

reflect s bu t does n t re a son Thi nks about a thi ng ; re

,
’
.

hea rs es it s s tati s tics a nd it s p a rts and a ppl i e s to th e m w h at

oth e r peo ple o n his s id e o f the q u e stion h ave s a id a bout
th e m but he doe s not compa re th e pa rt s h i ms e l f and i s
, ,

not cap a ble o f doi ng it .

Th a t is i n th e t w o th ings w h ich a re th e p e cul ia r dom a i n

,

o f th e hea rt not t h e m i nd — ,
pol iti c s and rel igion He ,
.

does n t wa nt to kno w th e othe r s id e H e wa nts a rgu me nt s

’
.

a nd stati s tic s for h is o w n s ide a nd noth ing mor e ,

.

Nov 4 96 Cla ra went with M rs H o p eki rk Wil son

.
’
. .

yest e rd a y a nd s aw a y oung E ngl is h gi rl o f 2 0 ( pu p i l of

L e sch e tizk y s ) pl ay b e fore a n audi e nce fo r th e fi rst ti me
’
.

The gi rl s n a m e i s Goodson Cl a ra s ay s s h e i s n ot p r e tty

’
.
,

but h as a most i nt e r e sting f a ce Sh e do e s n o t look Eng .

l ish but for e ign— Rus si a n Cl a r a thought Wh e n s h e wa s

, ,
.

r ea dy to g o o n t he s t a ge M rs Wilson fou nd th a t h e r .

h ands w e re cold from frigh t She se nt fo r h ot wa t e r but

,
.
,
“
the gi rl s aid No ! No ! No ! I ca n t touch it ! I h ave ink e d ’

my m a ste r s i nitials o n my n ail s as a t a lis m a n a nd i t

’
,

woul d wa sh ofl ! ”

B y t h a t ti me i t wa s n e cess a ry th at sh e go o n a t once ;
and sh e did She h a s a p r e te rnatu rally g rave f a c e a nd
.
,

Cl a ra s aid a i rs from the chu rch ya rd s e emed t o s ift ov e r

th e hous e as s h e s tood sol e mnly gloom in g u pon i t from
he r pl a ce by th e pi a no C a me th e ho a rs e w h is p e r from.

“
the p rom pte r s hole B ow for God s s a k e b ow ! Sh e d id
’ ”
,
’

— —
it a l ittl e w ee mach i ne bow the appl a us e o f w e lcome
cr a sh i ng along all t h e ti me— fo r the audi e nce ( m a tin é e ,

a nd a l most a l l l adie s ) doubtl ess kne w w h a t L e sch e ti zky

h a d s a id a bout t he g i rl —that s h e would be th e gr ea test
o f a l l w ome n pian ists She s at do w n a nd pl aye d — a nd re
.

ti red und e r a s plendid enthu s i a s m o f appl a use and the n

encore a nd wen t b a ck and s tood g looming out ove r th i s
,

toss in g sea of r ej oic in g noi s e Hoa rs e wh i s pe r from the .

307
 MAR K TWA I N
p rom pte r s hol e— S m ile
’ “
for God s s ake m ile ! which ,
’ ”

s h e did ; a m achi n e m a de s mile and it coul d h ave s at for

-

“
t h e port r a it o f th e Ches h i re Cat i n Alice in t he Looki n g
“
Glass o r Wond e rl and
”
,
”
.

She made a grea t hit wa s e n cored eve ry ti me sh e ap ,

p ea re d .

Wh en w e got to Aust ral i a we fou nd that th e sto ry of m y

bu ri al from Gove rn m e n t Hous e w a s th e i nvention o f a
crazy m a n .

Wit h t he H ous e Agen t

Th e Wate r C o h as s e nt m e no bill b ut h e re i s a noti ce
.
,

r eq u i ring me to pay up at once a nd the m a n who de

l i ve red i t to the se rv a nt b rought oral notice that i f I
di dn t p a y th e wa t e r woul d be cut off C a n yo u mak e m e
’
.

pay a nothe r m a n s d e bt ? ’

Well yo u s ee they decl i ne to kno w anybody i n the

, ,

m a tt e r bu t the h ous e I t s a v e s ( them ) t rouble The y don t

. .
’

have to h u n t up M r G w h o m a y be i n Egypt They know

. . .

you will p a y G s b ill a nd t a ke it out of next rent rathe r

.
’

th an h av e you r wate r cut o ff .

Have t hey such po w e r ?

Dea r Si r th e y h a ve I mp e ri al po w e rs I w as going to
sa y So v e reign Po w e rs b ut th at w ould be f ee bl e —t hey
.
,

h ave po w e rs that the Sove reign c a nnot p r e t e nd to .

How come s that ?

Well thei r cha rte r s a re a s o ld as th e t i me of th e Stu a rt s
—a ti me whe n the ki ng h a d a fi ng e r i n eve ry pie—w he n
,

“
h e sold fo r a k in g s s ha re h i s su ppo rt to e v e ry p romis
” ’

ing adventu re l ike the c a ptu re a nd sa le o f foreign s l a ve s

, ,

or the ca ptu re o f E ngl is h sl aves with a wate r p rivilege o f

ete rn al d u ration and au t ocra t ic po w e rs o r the giving a w ay ,

of State s a nd Te r ritori es i n Ame ri c a and el s ewhe re to ,

“
me rcha nt adventu re r s a nd so on The r es t of th os e big
”
.

mo n op o l ie s h ave g one th e way of all t hi n gs peri s ha bl e ,

30 8
 MA R K TWA IN
but n ot hi n g can pe rs uade the fool pos t o ffi ce to se nd M r -
.

Ga rth s l e tte rs to h i s ne w a dd res s an y oftene r tha n fou r

’

—
da ys i n t he week th e othe r th r e e th ey come he re .

Th a nksgivi ng W e did not c e leb r a t e i t Sev e n yea rs ago

. .

Susy gav e h e r pl ay for the fi rst ti m e ; th at was th e l ast

Th a nksgi v in g j ollifi c at io n w e ev e r had i n ou r house .

Moth e r [h i s w i f e s mother ] di e d th e d ay b e fore Than ks

’

giving t h e fol low i n g yea r M a died i n 1 890 th e s ame ye a r

.
,

and mon t h as Mo t he r died .

The b e s t w a y t o che e r you rsel f i s to t ry to chee r so me

bod y e l s e up .

T e m p e r a t e t e mp e ra n c e is b e s t I ntempe r a te tem pe ra n c e
.

i nj u res th e c a us e of t e mpe rance w hile t e m p e r a te tempe r

,

a nce h e l ps i t i n it s fight again s t i nt e m pe rate i ntem pe ra nce .

Fa natics w il l neve r lea rn th at thou g h it b e written i n

,

l etters of gold across th e sky .

W ri nkl e s s hould merel y show w he re th e s m ile s h ave

“
W e cl ai m th e ri g ht to de a l with our s e rvants a s w e
thi nk e x pedient —an Engl i s h Rail road M a gn a te
”
.

At Joh a nn es bu rg the man a g e r o f a gr e at m i ne s aid

“
We don t call o ur blacks sl a ves but th a t is w hat th ey
’
,
”
a re and that i s w hat we m ea n they s hal l rem a i n
,
.

D rea m hu mor I n a d rea m l a st nigh t a fa r me r wa s

-
.

“
as ked w h ich o f the two horse s he h ad bet o n On e hu n .

”
d red pou nd s o n each he s aid ,
.

Whe re a t th e re wa s a g reat s torm o f l au g hte r from the

you ng fellows p res ent bec au s e the ma n w as bou nd to wi n
,

o n e bet and los e o n e and the refore mi g h t a s well have

m ade no be t at all —no that wa s not it —th ey l a ug hed

,

, ,

3 10
 N OT E B O O K
be c ause he t h ough t he w a s s u re to wi n bot h bets —wh ich
the y conside r ed fu nny a nd absu rd ; a nd th ey a l so l aughed
bec a use ( as th ey s aid ) he w as bound to lore both bets
a nd that the y reg a rded a s ve r y fu nn y i nd ee d .

It s ee m e d q uit e s a n e i n the d r ea m And th a t is w h e r e .

d rea m th ings d ifl er from wa ki ng th i ngs : th ey c a n b e thor

- -

oughly m a d a nd i nco n g ruous w ithout t h e d reame r s us ,

p ec t i n g i t .

London D e c 1 3 96 Ton ight a t dinn e r Cl a r a tol d o f

’

M
. .
,

m ee ti ng a l ad y ( Scotch I th ink ) a t rs H o p eki rk Wilson s .

’

tod ay w ho to l d h e r a bout a r e m a rk a bl e y ou ng r e l a tiv e o f

M
,

h e rs— a y ou ng gi rl fri e nd o f rs Wilson a f e w y ea rs ago

,
.

i n L e i pzi g This s a id you n g gi rl wa s studyi n g th e r e

.

v iol i n a nd h as tu rn e d o ut to be fi n e on th a t i nst rum e nt

,
.

B ut sudd e nl y s h e b e g a n to d r aw a nd p a i nt w ithout in ,

st ru ction a nd th r ew al l h e r h ea rt i nto it a nd lost h e r

, ,

p a ssion for music Som e bod y s ho we d o n e o f h e r pictu r e s to

.

th e gr ea t W a tt R A a nd h e s a id h e must see h e r a t onc e ;

,
. .
,

s h e must b e h is pu pil ( h e n eve r w ould t a k e pupils ) and b e

h is s ucc e ssor a nd conti nu e h is w ork .

G e org e von B u nson is d y i ng h e re i n London Mrs . .

Poultn ey B ig e lo w t e lls me th a t w h e n h e w as a t th e h e igh t

o f h i s gr ea t popul a rity a nd i nfluenc e i n B e rl i n a nd pol i ti cs ,

h e m a de a l ib e r a l sp e ech w h ich i n fu ri a t e d B is m a rck w ho

wa s th e n ch anc e llor and B is m a rck did hi m s e v e r a l vicious
,

tu rns Among oth e rs i nvit e d h i m to a St a t e di nn e r a t h is

.

hous e ; we nt and spoke w ith e a ch gu e st i n tu rn ; w h e n he

got to B unson h e looked h i m ove r from h ea d to foot t h e n ,

tu rn e d h is b a ck o n h i m w ithou t a w ord B u nson l e ft ( w h y .

th e othe rs didn t a l so i s not stated ) L a t e r the B un so n s

’
, , .

g av e a b a l l a nd i nvit e d soci e t y— ( th ey h a d s ix m a rri a g e

a bl e d a ught e rs ) Soci e ty cons ists l a rg e ly i f not m a i nl y o f
.
, ,

mil i ta ry office rs B is ma rck i ntim a ted to h is general s and

.

colonel s th at he w an ted all offi c e r s forbidde n to a ccep t in

3 1 1
 MAR K TWA IN
vit at i o n sNobody much but l a die s a t th e ball by cous e
.
,

q u en c e ; nobod y to dance w ith The B un so n s beca me .

os tr a cized The d a ughte r s coul d not fi nd h u sband s Th a t

. .

might b e ei g h t or ten ye a rs a g o Only o n e of them i s j ust .

m a r ried .

Dec 2 2 96 It took piles o f bl ankets to keep us w a rm

.
’
.

l as t night It w as as cold as i t would be at home a t 30

. .

Yet i t wa s re a l ly onl y 5 2 I b rought the thermomete r .

from th e d ress i n g room whe re the re w as a fi re I t wa s

-
.

m a rki ng 5 9 .

I f y ou orde r a box o f ciga rs he re ( a s I di d ye s te rday at

t h is ti me t h ree blocks a w ay ) they m ay be t w o day s g e t
,

t i ng it to you I a m e xpect i ng th i s r es ul t
. .

We a re no t h ing b ut echoe s W e h ave n o thou g ht s o f ou r .

o w n no O pi nions o f ou r o w n w e a re b ut a compost heap

, ,

m ade up o f the deca y ed he redities moral a nd phys ical , .

London 1 1 :30 X ma s morn i ng Th e squ a re a nd adj acen t .

s tr ee ts a re not me r e l y qu iet th e y a re d ead The re i s not a

, .

sound At i nte rval s a Su nd a y looking pe rson p a sse s al on g -

—
. .

f
Once I s aw a cou pl e o postme n go along o nce o r twice
I hea rd the ru mble o f w h ee l s com e o ut o f the s epul ch ral
d is t an ce Queen s Ro a d I should s ay
b
, .

B ecau s e of the s mooth nes s and e xcel lence o f the pavin g ,

London i s the l e a st noisy city ; b ut the s ilence o f today !

Oh i t i s th e s il e nce o f th e tomb
,
.

Th e fam ily h av e b e en to b r e ak fast We th r e e s at and .

tal ked a s u su al b ut th e n a me o f the day w as not m e n

,

t ion ed I t wa s i n o ur m ind s but w e s aid noth i n g

.
, .

Th e y w e re re membe ri n g Su s y w ho a s al ready told ,

h ad died i n Au g us t A pa ge o r two fa rthe r alon g he

.

would w r ite of th at tr a ged y .

3 1 2
 CHA PTE R XXV I I I

IN P AR I S I s p oke of g ettin g du s ted off ( l e c tu red by ”

M rs Cleme ns ) Susy took u p th e p h r as e a nd wa s al w ays

. .

“
se e in g to i t th at Ma mma did it before fu nctions Mam ma .

“
don t forg et to dust hi m and Did you dust Pap a ofl ?
’
,
”

She w as i n t ens e That w as he r m arked chara cteri sti c

. .

Livy a rriv ed afte r a yea r at El mi ra by t he ve ry s ame

, ,

t ra i n a nd at the s a me hou r th a t sh e h a d left the re a yea r

b e fore w i th Susy o n th e pl a tform wa vi ng good bye ; and
, ,
-

no w Susy w as l yin g in he r coffin at the Lan g don home 1

.

I t i s pl ea s ant to know th at wh ile w e we re fa r away

a round the globe Su s y g ot a l e tte r i n H a rtford wh ich
,

m ightily pleased he r from t he g r e at Madame B l anche

“
C acc a m es i s ayi n g ( i n s ubstance ) I hea r that the reason
you did not s ta y a nd complete you r vocal education i s
that you r f a the r wa s fi na nci a lly e mba rr a ssed and could
not aff ord it I w ould h ave completed i t for yo u g rati s fo r
.

t he sa ke o f b rin g i n g out you r noble voice a nd g ivi n g it t o

the w orld I s hould h ave been repai d t w i c e ove r
.
”
.

She w as ve ry nea r s i g hted When s h e was l ittle I wa s

-
.

goi n g u p s tai r s w ith h e r a nd I looked back when h al fway

,

up and th rou g h the d i ni ng room door I s a w th e cat cu rled

-

up l ike a worm on the i nten s ely red cove r o f the rou nd

F o r t h e st o ry o f SW : deat h t he reader is re ferre d t o My F a t her
Mark Tw ai n by Cla ra Cl em e ns cha pter X 11 an d t o Mark Twain
,

— ,

a B iog raph y c ha pter cx c u

,
t
,

.
,

3 14
 N OT E B O O K
dini ng t ablH
- t ort oi s e s hel l ca t—a st rikin g pi ct u re I
- .

c a lled Sus y s attenti on to i t and w as astoni s hed to find

’

th a t s h e w as not able to see i t .

I n the othe r notebook I h a ve i t wrong Susy pu t out

1
.

he r h a nd and strok e d K a ty s f a ce and s a id ’

That was t he l a st ti me s h e spoke i n this l i fe Poor t rou .

bl ed h ea rt I t tu rn e d fo r hel p a nd com fort i n its l a t e st co n

.

s c io us n es s to the refuge t hat h ad neve r fail e d i t I f any .

th ing c ould com fort L ivy it w ould be th e though t that ,

s h e w as the l a st i mage that dri ft e d a cross th e poor ch ild s

’

perish ing m ind and he r name the l as t u tte ra nce t h at fell

from t h e d y in g l ip s .

She w as —
a poet a po et w hose song died unsun g .

Eve ry n ow a nd t h e n i n h e r v ivacious tal k s h e th r e w

o ut p h r a ses o f such admi rabl e grace and forc e s uch p re ,

cis io n o f form th a t th ey th rilled th rough one s consciou s

’
,

ne s s l ike th e p a s sage of the el e ctric sp a rk .

H e conte mpl a ted doing a s m a ll book abou t

Sus y for p riv a te ci rcul a tion F rom ti m e to ti m e
, .

h e w rote ch a pte r s o f it most o f w h ich we r e l a te r

,

i ncl ud e d i n h is A ut obiog aph y The book its e l f r .

w as n e v e r completed .

I n th is l amen t I w i s h to s peak of my de a d ch il d a s I
woul d s peak to m y f a mily to m y most p rivat e friends , ,

withou t res e rve w ithout conv e ntion s F o r I a m moved to

,
.

pou r out onl y p rais e s and endea rm e nts only homage and ,

worsh i p ov e r t h e dea r and beauti ful s pi rit th a t h a s va n

,

is h ed o ut o f o ur l i fe and l e ft i t d e sol a t e I w ish to speak

,
.

o f he r as s h e a ppea red to u: o f the fa mil y not as she ,

m ay o r may n ot h a ve appea red to others even he r com

, , ,

r a d e s a nd i nti mate s To do th is I must use franknes s es of

.

a pp reci ation which woul d be out of pla c e i f I were s peak

T hi s n o e oo tb k cann o t be fo un d .

3 5
1
 MA RK TWA I N
in g t o any b ut ou r n ea res t fri end s I t is t o t ho s e fri end s .

a nd th ose onl y—th a t th i s l i ttl e pape r wi ll go And I l ay

—
.

u pon them the i nj u nction if I m a y do it w ithout o ff en s e ,

th at they allow none to see i t but themselve s .

Et r etat—J oa n of A re and Sus y s s ugg e s ti on She l iked

’
.

“’
l A rb re fée de B ourlem o n t ,
”1
and said i t w as poet ry,
w h ich g rea tl y pl e a s ed me Sh e w a s fond o f Jo a n s trans i
.
’

“
ti on s from pl a y ful gi rl to o ffici al activities : Messen g e r
from the Ki ng ! And L a Hi re s S pee c h whe n h e backed
” ’

up Joan s w a r meth od s
’
.

She h ad no ca re about money no notion o f i ts val ue ,

.

She sp e nt it w asted it lost it Lost he r ope r a gl asses he r

, ,
.
,

g love s he r p a ra s ol he r pu r s e I t wa s al way s w ise to ex

, ,
.

am i ne a c a b w h en s h e left i t I n o n e d ay i n Pa ri s s h e left
.

t h ing s i n t h ree diffe rent c a bs She w as s uch a fl ut t e r m ill ;

.
-

a l w a y s i n the ai r ; al ways s in g in g danci n g maki n g he r , ,

tongue fly .

She w as ful l o f l ittl e lovi n g w ay s w ith he r mothe r ,

w hom sh e e n nobl ed w ith pet nam e s a nd en rich e d with

ceas e l ess ca r es ses S he woul d pet my h a i r and fus s at i t
.
, ,

—
someti mes w hich al w ays made me wis h sh e woul d go on .

Sad at Vi v i ani ; at Venice ; at Nauh e i m ; the fi r s t wi nte r

i n Pa ris ( ti m e o f R avac h al) afr a id o f th ea te rs a nd bomb s ;
at La Bou rboule ( the riot i n the Hotel th r e atened ) ; at
Be rl i n pa rt of the ti m e —but s he w as fond o f Be rl i n ;
h appy i n Mu nich ; u nh appy i n ain t z ; i n Ma rienbad ; M
ve ry happy i n Ha rtford the l a s t mon t h s B ay reuth,
.
,

happy .

Yet th rou g h al l he r s ea s on s o f u nh appi ne ss the r e we re

outbu rs ts o f happi ne s s —e xaltation s of it .

I cannot r eme mbe r w hen s he fi r s t began to c a r ry a round

a va s t Shake s pea re S he wa s neve r wi t h o u t i t I t w as a
. .

‘
A po em in h is book on J oan f Arc
o .

3 16
 MARK TWA IN
All t h e ci rcu mst an ce s of th i s dea t h we re pa t h e t i c—my
b rai n i s w o rn to rags rehea rs i ng them Yes and cu rs i n g
them—c u rs i ng th e conception a nd i nv e n tion o f them Th e
.
,

me r e dea t h w ou ld have b e en c ru elty enough with ou t ove r ,

loading it and e mph a s izi ng it w i th th at s core of ha r s h an d

wanton d e ta ils The child w as t ake n away when h e r
.

mothe r w as w ithi n th ree day s o f he r and woul d h av e ,

given t h r e e d e c a d e s for s igh t o f he r .

I n m y d e sp a i r a nd u n a ssu a ge a bl e m i se ry I u pb rai d m y
s e l f fo r eve r pa rti ng wi th h e r B ut th ere is no u s e i n t ha t
. .

Sin ce i t wa s to h appen it woul d have h app e ned .

Wi th love S L C . . .

—
It ti ckl e d Susy J o Twi c h ell s w ar w hoopi n g when h e
’
-
,

woul d meet Cl a r a on th e s t reet in Ha rt ford .

Su sy h a d f a ults bu t the memo ry o f the m w as sub

me rged ih t hat g re a t da rk ness wh ich d e sc e nded u pon us
w hen h e r l ife was q uench ed and I do not know wh a t they
,

w ere
S usy and Cl a ra—o n e on each s ide of m e—s electin g
.

h ickory n ut k e rnel s for me~—T hat s a g ood on e They

“ ’ ”
.

begu iled me i nto many a n i ndigestion a nd los s o f s l eep .

The l a s t m s o f m i ne th at e ve r I read to he r w as fou r

.

fi ft h s o f the l as t c hapte r o f Jo a n —and the l as t word s o f

“
t ha t wh ich I r e ad we re How rich was the w orl d et c ”
,
.

And t o me these w ord s h ave a personal meani ng now .

W he n out of he r h e ad s h e s a id m a ny thi ngs th a t showed

“
s he wa s p roud o f bei ng m y d aughte r I t i s bec a use I a m
.

M a rk T wa i n s d a ughte r Th e attention s s how n us i n

’ ”

—
.

“ “
A u s tral ia I ndia et c
, ,
K a ty ( to he r ma id ) t h at i s m y
”
,
”
famil y .

I n the bu rni ng heat o f th os e fi nal day s i n H a rt

ford she would w al k to the w indo w o r l ie o n the
c ou c h i n he r feve r an d de li r i u m a nd when th e ca rs
,

3 8
1
 N OT E B OO K
“
w ent b y woul d s ay : U p go th e t rolley ca r s for
M a rk T wa i n s d a ught e r D o w n go th e t rol l ey c a rs
’
.

for M a rk T w ai n s d a ught e r Th is wa s no mor e

’ ”
.

than a d a y o r t w o before the end .

I n va rious pl aces Livy a nd Cl a ra s e l ected p re s ent s for

S us y ; i n Bomb a y i n a P a rs ee g e n tl e m a n s hous e b a l e s o f
’
, ,

goods we r e s e nt for by h i m a nd th ey s e l e ct e d a d ress

, ,

p a tt e rn fo r Sus y o f I ndi a n cr ep e a nd we r e so pa rt icul a r

,

to ge t th e sh a d e o f pink e x a ctl y right— the ins ide o f a

“

s ea s h e ll as they d e scrib e d it
,
.

No memb e r o f th e f a mily w ith he r wh e n s h e died ex ,

cept h e r y ou ng s ist e r J ea n ( 1 6) a nd K a ty L ea ry a n o ld ,

s e rv a nt w h o h ad b e e n with us s i x t ee n yea rs a nd i s re
g a rd e d a s p a rt o f th e f a m il y The g a rd e n e r a n d the co a ch
.

m a n we r e a lso on th e p re mises —o ld fri e nds o f Sus y s ; th e ’

o n e h ad se rved us 2 6 ye a rs the oth e r 1 0 o r 1 2 The g a r

, .

de me r b rough t a b a sket of ros e s for he r e v e ry morn ing .

G e orge G riffi n butle r color e d h e w as w ith us 1 8 ye ars

, , , .

He w as al way s betting ; Susy al w a ys tried to reform h i m .

Wh e n h e w on a b e t he a l wa y s tol d us a bou t i t at b re a kf a s t
—so th a t s h e coul d h ea r i t .

Som e ti mes i n thos e d a ys o f s w i ft d e velop men t i n P a ri s

h e r speech w as roc ket l ik e ; I s ee m to s ee i t go U p a nd up
-

a nd up a s o a rin g st reami n g cl i mbi n g st e m o f fi r e a nd

, , , , ,

fi nally bu rst i n th e z e nith a nd r a i n color e d sp a rks all

“
a rou n d And I fel t l ike say i ng Y o u m a rvelous ch ild !
.
”

B ut neve r s a id i t To my sorrow I remembe r i t now B ut

.
,
.

I ca m e o f a n u nd e mon str a ti v e r a ce .

Many a ti me I s a id — “
The t w o mo s t p a t heti c moving ,

th i ngs i n th e E nglis h ton g ue to me a r e t hes e : on e is th e

r e fr a i n o f a long a go forgotten s ong f a m ili a r to me i n my
-
,
“
ea rl i es t boy hood : I n the days whe n we w e nt gypsyi ng ,

a long t i me a go The othe r Depa rted th is l i fe — and

.
“ ”

now th i s will be w ritt e n u pon he r gr a v e stone .

Li vy saw he r in her cofli n That wa s de ni ed to me

. .

3 9
1
 MAR K TWA I N
Madame Ma rch es i s aid s h e h ad a grand ope r a voice -

“
M a rv e lous voice w as o n e o f he r exp res sions Mad a m e
”
.

B l a nch e s aid he r voice w as competent for th e pa rt o f

Elsa a nd El izabeth i n Loheng ri n and Tan nh au se r ; and
l a t e r s h e a dd e d I solde to th i s l ist—w h ich w as t he eq uiva
l ent o f s ay ing it w as competent for any s op rano pa rt .

She went home t o l ive on a h ill — as com ma nded by

these g re a t te a che r s v al leys bei n g forbidden — and gath e r
,

vigo r of body The n to g o back to Pa ri s a nd p repare fo r

.

th e s ta g e ( ope ra ) .

He r voice was not onl y eloquent with feel i ng but o f ,

al mo s t ( pa rt icul a rl y afte r s h e g ot to Ha rtford ) un ex am

p led po we r a nd vol u me .

B ryn M aw r be g a n i t I t w as the re th at he r health w as

.

u nd e rmi ned .

El mi r a A ug 2 4 Susy is d ea d and b u ri e d
, . . .

We sta nd stu n ned as before a s pace whe re a n a pp a r

e ntly s t ron g hou s e h as stood five m i nute s ago—no w s w e p t
—
a wa y by a cyclon e n ot a vesti ge left .

She w as pe rfectl y h appy i n Venice wi th he r mothe r a nd

—
Je a n Cl a ra an d I i n Ame rica She l ived i n th e gondol a .

a l l the ti me .

She w as s ensitive to eve ryth i n g The pal mis t ( lady at a .

p a rty ) tol d h e r s h e would h a ve a n u nhappy l i fe a nd t h a t

with all he r gi fts s h e w oul d fal l j u s t short o f s uccess She .

woul d be a f a il u re I t distressed he r for days

. .

Susy b e c a me bl i nd th rough th e s ufl usio n of bl ood o n

“
th e b r a i n a nd s aid to Ch a rl es Langdon I a m bl ind U ncl e ,
”
Cha rl i e and yo u a re bl i nd
,
.

She wa s so gl ad an d p roud to s ee Pudd n h ead on the ’

—
stage She took s u c h i nte r e st i n al l m v w ork a nd I miss
he r so —and h a l f th e i ncenti ve i s gone
.

Thos e word s tou c hed he r s o : And w il l you no come

“ ”—
b ac k agai n .
”
I s aid the pathos w a s i n the no it
wouldn t be a s eff ective i n E ngl ish
’
.

I s eem l ike poo r old Aa ron B u rr s tanding i n the m ids t ,

3 2 0
 MA R K TWA IN
m ea ni n g of a n ob scure pa ge wi th a s i mpl e fl a s h fro m h e r
mi nd upon it an d i n th e ab il i ty to t rans mute h e r thou g ht s
in to t h e c ri s pe s t of E ng li s h by i ns ta nt a neou s p roce ss w e
,

kn ew he r for o ur s u pe rior And w e did n ot resent i t bu t

.

w e r e onl y p rou d o f it .

Livy : Ot h e r s t h a t a re be reaved s ay B e com forted

‘

ti me w ill h ea l th e w ou nd What do t h ey kno w ?They h ave

.
’

not los t a Su s y Clem e ns .

How i s i t th at I w h o cannot d raw o r pai n t ca n s ome

, ,

ti mes s h ut my eyes a nd s e e f a c es ( d a rk color e d a l w ays ,

color of putt y ) mo s t del icate and pe rfect m in iatu res and

ca n note a nd ad mi re the detail s How i s it ? Th e y a re not
.

f a m il i ar faces th ey a re new—h ow can I i nvent them ?

,

And w hat i s i t th a t m a k e s p e rf e ct i mage s i n m y d reams ?

I ca n not form a fac e o f a n y ki nd by del ibe r ate effo rt of
i m ag i na ti o n
.

3 2
2
 CHAPTE R XX I X

L on d on D ays

T H ERE is i n l i fe only o n e moment and i n ete rni ty onl y

o n e I t i s so b ri e f th a t it is r e p r e s e nted b y th e fl ee ti ng o f a
.

l um inous mot e th rough the th i n ra y o f su nl ight—a nd it is

visible but a fr a cti on o f a second Th e moments th a t pre
.

ced e d i t h a v e b ee n l ived a re forgotten a nd a r e w ithout

,

v a l u e ; the mom e nts th a t h a v e n ot been l ived h av e no

e xistenc e a nd w ill h a ve n o v a l u e e xc e pt i n th e mom e nt
that e a ch s h a l l b e l iv e d Whil e you sle e p yo u a r e d ea d ;
.

a nd wh e th e r you st ay d e ad a n hou r o r a b i ll io n years

the ti me to you is t h e s ame .

W ri te a nov e l i n wh ich pa r t o f th e a ct i on take s pl ace

i n he a ve n and hel l the next upon the e a rth L e t a wom a n
,
.

i n h ea ven w atch t he s w e ep of the oc e a n o f fi re at close

—
q ua rt e rs a p e rson p a sses by at very long i nte rvals only ;
the oce a n i s so l a rge I t is a sol itud e— so is h ea v e n She
—
. .

h a s sough t for he r d a u g hte r fo r a long ti me sh e is w atch

ing hell n ow b ut not e x pe ct ing h e r d a ughte r to b e there
, , .

Mus ing s h e he a rs a sh ri e k and h e r d a ught e r s w eeps b y

, ,
.

Th e re i s a n i nst a nt o f recogni tion by both —th e moth e r

sp ri ngs i n pe rceivi n g th ere is n o happi ne ss in heave n for
,

he r any lon g e r .

They t ry to hel p the s ituation o f al l the w orki ngme n

except t h e h a rdes t worked o n e the P rince o f W a les H e
, .

does not get the benefit o f t h e ei g ht-h o u r l aw and ought

to stri ke .

323
 MA R K TWA I N
Not even s ects a re a g reed u pon moral s and pi eties Th e .

Ca rdi n a l A rchbis hop c a st i ronl y forbids p ri ests to go to -

the a t e rs w h e re a s i n Spa ni s h coun tries p rie s ts a re th e

,

m ai n s upport o f th e hel l is h bull rin g .

The E ngl is h cle rgy forme rl y r ode t o hound s n ow th ey ,

don t I n New E ngl a nd they u sed to take pa rt o f thei r

’
.

s a l a ry i n rum and g e t tog ethe r o n rel igiou s busi n e s s and

h ave a ti me with rum and p ipe s—n ow th ey discou ra g e
eve n the l aity .

Th e bel ievi ng Mosl e m knows th a t i t i s his duty t o g o

t o Mecca o n pilgri m ag e even whe n h e i s goi n g to ca r ry ,

—
th e pl ague to the u nb e l ie v i ng E u ropeans a nd the E u ro
pea n allow : h im t o do it The h u m a n b e i ng—w ith not a .

—
s in gl e exception i n the whol e ea rth is a fool A n d to h i s .

ve ry m a rrow he i s a hypocrite and a hu mbu g .

I wis h t he Lord w oul d disgu ise H i ms e l f i n citizens cloth

i ng a nd m a ke a pe rsonal e x ami n a tion o f th e s uffe rings of
the poo r i n London He w oul d be moved a nd woul d do .
,

som e th i ng for the m H i ms e l f .

“
S a tan to newcome r ( w ith discont e nt ) : The t roubl e
,

with you Ch ica g o peopl e i s th a t yo u th in k you a re the bes t

peopl e i n h el l —w he rea s you a re me rely th e mo st
”
nu me ro u s .

Satu rday J an 3 9 7 The pedestal o f the b ronze b e

,
.
,
’
.
,

ruffled Ch a rl e s I is wel l cl ot hed i n w re a th s o f w h it e fl ow

,

e r s w ith mottoe s Thi s a l a ment by i rrecon c il abl e E n gl ish

, .

‘
legiti m i s t s to com memorate wh a t they th i nk w as a
,
’

cal am ity—th e be h e adi n g o f Cha rl e s Jan 2 1 1 649 They ,

.
,
.

celeb rate tomor ro w ( th a t a ppa rently standing fo r J an 2 1 .

OS ) Ch a rl es ba c k i s t o w a rd N el son i n the sky o n h i s

.
’
,

col u m n t op ; h e l ook s do w n Whiteh all pa st the Pal a c e ,

w he re h e w a s exe c uted a nd past the Ho rs e Gua rd s and

Do w n i ng St r ee t pol itic a l exe c utive cent e r o f the va s t
,

B riti s h Empi re a nd h i s b ro n ze g l a n c e str ike s th e gr eat

,

3 4
2
 MA R K TWA I N
]a m er I n tIh at day a s u s pe ct ed man w as tort ur ed in to
a dmitti ng a m u rde r w hi ch he hadn t comm itt ed—th e n
.

ex ecuted .

V ic t o ria Last w e ek Lord Cro w l e y ( to t ry to save the

.

na me of M rs Ch a rri ngton ) con fe ss ed u nde r o a th on the

.

wi tn es s stand ( afte r kis sin g the B ible no doubt ) a dult e ry ,

w it h a p ros titute i n B righton Th e J udge said i t must be

.

co rroborat e d by independent tes ti mony o r h e c ould not

accept th e thi n g a s bein g p roved .

Al so th e Scu ll g i rl volu nta rily without su gg e stion o r

, ,

i nvitati on o f a n y kind con fe s sed th a t s h e killed th e ch ild ;

,

th e j udge refused to hold he r for tri al b e cau s e the r e was n t ’

s uffi ci en t i ndependen t t e sti mony t o m ake he r c onfe s s ion

g ood .

A forei gn e r i n E n gl and wi s hed t o h i r e a m aid and ,

kn ew th at a m aid and vi rg i n a re th e s ame th i ng The .

fi r s t applicant had me rely hea rd th at he wanted a house

s e rvant but did not kno w i n what capacity She s a id sh e .

w as a cook and asked wh at he w a nted He s aid — “

I want .

a vi r g i n I f you a re n ot a vi rgi n I do not wan t you You

. .

do n ot look l ike a v i rg i n At th i s point the neighbors

”
.

floc ked to h i s re sc ue and he wa s rem ov e d t o t he h os p i tal .

Dedica tion for Joan of A r c

To my W i f e
O liv ia Langd on C lem e ns
th i s Book
is t en de red on our weddi ng ann iversary
i n gratef ul reoogn it ion o f h er
2 5 yea rs o f

valued se rvi ce as
m y li te ra ry ad v iser

a edi tor

3 26
 N OT E B O O K
Ma rch 2 8 Twichel l s ends m e a va s t new s pape r h e a d
.

“
i ng th e b r e adth of five colu mns Clo s e o f a G rea t C a
,

r ee r i n w hich it i s said th a t I a m l iving i n penu ry i n

”

London a nd th a t m y f a m il y h a s fors a k e n me Th is would .

e n r a ge a nd disgust me i f i t came from a dog or a co w ,

o r a n eleph a nt o r any othe r o f th e h ighe r ani mal s b ut it ,

com e s from a man a n d m u ch al lo w an c e must be made

,

for m a n .

’
London Ap r il , 1 3, 97 . I fi nis hed my book today .

Boys w h ipping tops —neve r saw it i n m y l i f e t i ll i n

London th is ti m e—yet w as raised o n b ooks with wood
,

cuts o f boys doin g it .

There is no s uch th i ng as Qu e en s E ngl ish The p rop ’

.

e rt y h a s gon e i nto the h a nds o f a joi nt stock comp any

and we o w n th e bulk o f the sh a res .

E ve ryone i s a moo n a nd h a s a dark s ide wh ich h e neve r

s how s to a n y body .

None o f us c a n ev e r h a ve as m any vi rtues as th e fou n

tai n pen o r h a l f its cus s edness ; but w e ca n t ry
,
.

I h ave t ravel ed more th an anyone el se and I h ave ,

noti ced th at even t h e an g el s S peak E ngl is h wi th an

acc e nt .

May 1 8,
’
97 . Fi ni s hed th e book agai n . Addi tio n o f
words .

J a n 2 9 7 Came M r Wh it e re presentin g N Y J ou r
.
,
’
. .
,
1
. .

n a l w i th t w o c a bl e gr a ms from hi s pa pe r .

I t has been sta t ed t h at Mrk T w ai n w as t h en l ivi n g at a Lo n d on

a

ho t el H e w as st il l at 2 3 Ted wo rt h Squa re
. .

3 7
2
 MAR K TWA IN
“
On e ( 1 ) I f Ma rk Twai n dyi n g i n po ve rty i n Lon do n , ,

s end 50 0 words .

“
( )
2 Late r I f Ma rk. Twa i n h a s died i n pove rty send
”
1 0 0 0 words .

I ex pl ai ned how the m istake occu rred and gave hi m a

c a ble i n s ubstance th i s :
“
J ames Ross Cl e mens a cous i n w as s e riously il l he re , ,

t w o o r th ree weeks ago but is wel l now The r e port o f m y

,
.

i ll n e s s g re w o ut o f hi s ill n e ss ; th e r e port o f m y d ea th
w as a n exa g ge rati on I h ave not bee n ill Mark Twa in
”
. . .

Nobody woul d go to B un y a n s heaven no w s i nc e ’

, o ur

i mp rove men ts h a ve m a de th is l i fe attractive but i t ,

w as
a s upe rior pl a ce i n its day .

I f Ch rist we re h e re no w ther e is , on e th i ng h e woul d

n ot b e— a Ch risti an .

J ul y 7 9 7 L o ndon
,
’
. .

Y e ste rday Pond ofl ered m e and all e xpense s

for 1 2 5 n ights o n the pl atform i n America rs Clemen s . M .

i s not qu ite wil l i n g a nd I s uppose I s h a l l not acc e pt

, .

London Jul y 1 0 Li vy Cl a ra and J ul i a Lan g don i n a

, .
, ,
1

h a nsom The hor se fel l the w hol e front o f the h ansom

.
,

wrecked Cl a ra th ro w n ov e r a nd disappea r e d from L ivy s ’

vie w—fell o n the s truggl in g hors e s ru mp sl i pp e d dow n

,
’
,

on to h is h i nd le gs i n front o f t he wheels s cr a mbled out ,

a nd h a d no se v e re h u rt Li vy w a s fl ung on to th e floor o f
.

th e h an s om and got t w o b rui s e s o n he r fa c e J ul ie was n ot .

u n sea t e d a nd not h u rt .

Th e hor se sc rambled to hi s feet leavi n g Cl a ra i n fro nt ,

N i ece o f M Cle
rs. m en s .

3 2 8
 CHAPTE R XXX

On th e C on t in en t

L E F T Lon don at 8 A M
Spent all th e p reviou s day
. .

p acki ng til l midn i g ht Got Sue J ulie Cl a r a a nd Jean

,
.
, ,

sta rted do w n a t l ast No l ift boy no cle rk to take th e

,
.
,

money ( Cr e scent Hotel ) Nobod y o n deck but second .

hal l po rte r No c ab s ; s aid th ey s houl d have been en g a g ed

.

th e d a y b e fore .

To Rocheste r i n 4 5 mi nute s ; to Queen s borou g h withi n

the hou r Left at 9 :30 i n the l ittl e steame r P retty in d if
M
. .

feren t food b ut not expen s ive A rrived Fl us hin g 5 P

G rand H otel d e s B a i ns —good and ve ry cheap Ve ry qu iet
. . .

and cool ; g ood bath i ng b e ach Orche s tra o f youn g wome n

-
.

i n wh ite Good mu s ic D utch wome n with g ood face s ;

. .

pl u mp ; pea s ant d re ss
On the Conti nent you ca n t g et a ra re beefs teak—e ve ry
.

th in g i s as ove rdone as a m a rty r .

We asked for the Zeel and Hotel Flush in g The porte r .

—
,
“
s aid i n E n g l i s h I t is not made ( built )
”
.

—
Ra il road s ta tion m ade o f ti le s b rill ia n t pol is hed , ,

—
s t ron g color s ; vi vidly re a dabl e map of til e beauti fu l and
good s en s e .

The s e vill ai n s c a rt you t o th e s ta tion nearl y two hou rs

before t rai n ti me .

A ve ry jolty road t il l we pa ss ed the Ge rma n b or de r ,

th e n s mooth I t c ost s ix of u s 5 5 a day a t Fl u s h i ng

. .

You cl i mb two fl i g ht s of w ide s tep s Quee r l ittl e c hu rch .

s u rmo u n ted by a co uple of ve ry tal l a n d exc eedi ng ly s ha rp

33°
 N OT E B O O K
poi n t ed t ooth pick s pi res —s h a rp enou g h for bi rd s t o get
i mp a l e d U p on th e m On o n e l ea f o f th e a ncient O p e n doo r
is c a r ve d a n o ld ti me knight i n a rmor i n deep r e l i e f—o u
.

th e oth e r a bishop I n th e room y v e stibul e a re l ife sized

.
-

st a tues o f s ix s a i nts i n n iches w ith th e i r n a me s l a b e led

,

und e rne a th th e m —St P e t e r i s o n e of th e m and h as h i s

.

.
—
golde n key On e i s l a b e l e d S Cl e mens j ust my n a me .
,

j u s t my i n iti a l I t wa s a p roud th i ng to fi nd a n a nc e sto r

.

i n such a pl a ce a nd i n such com p a ny Still th e re h ave .

,

al way s b ee n s ai nts i n our family I f I h ad my rights the re .

would be o n e now Th is o n e had on a hel met p robabl y

.
,

used to be o n the pol ice force b e fore he got p romoted .

All a rou nd th e ch u rch e xt e nds th e ch u rchyard ; and i t

w as notic ea ble th a t th e re we r e flowe rs o n grav e s fi fty
yea rs old A qu iet repo s eful pl ace th e s h rubbe ry wel l
.
,

tended .

S wi t zerland
S u nday July 1 8 9 7 Took up res iden c e in Vi l l a B uh
, ,
’
.

l egg W e ggis —with Sue J ul ie L a ngdon and E rnst—s e ve n

,
.
,

pe rsons Terms frs 6

. pe r d a y p e r pe r s on rent , ,

and food i ncl ud e d al so c a ndl e s a nd t w o l a mps ; a nd fr s

,

1 4 ext ra pe r w eek to h a ve th e meal s b rou g ht up and

s e rved i n th e hou s e .

Th i s t rustful fr a u woul d n ot t a k e pay for our five di n

ne rs yeste rda y b ut s a id that it would go i n the p e ns ion
,

bil l i n c a se we concl ud e d to t a k e the house ; a nd so s h e

,

l e t us g o back to Luce m a ignorant o f our n ame s and

addre ss .

S wis s Thoro ugh n ess

Th e p ha rm aci s t took h a l f a n hou r to m ix o n e pa rt
—
l ith a rge a nd t w o p a rts l a rd go t th e p roportions revers ed
twic e a nd h a d to m a k e th e s a l v e th r ee ti mes Tod ay th i s .
,

on e t ook as lon g then too k five m inute s to co ax t he l a s t

,

33 1
 M AR K TWA I N
vest i g e of t h e s al ve i nto the gl a ss box Tol d h i m I w as i n
—
.

a h u r ry and didn t w a n t it all it did not hasten h i m i n

,
’

th e le a st Then he g ot a l abel set the receipt do w n i n h i s

.
-

—
book then c a refull y copied on to the label ( misla y ing
h is gl a sses t w ice and hu ntin g for them ) then pasted the
l a b e l on did the box up i n a piece o f pape r wh ich h e
, ,

measu red be fore tea ri n g it o ff ; then went h u nting fo r a

match then l it his Candle a nd s ealed th e pape r i n fou r
places and del ive red it to m e—a long j ob but ended a t
, ,

, ,

last with m y patience I t w as a good $ 40 w orth o f work

—
, .
,

and all he c ha rged for i t w as o f a fr a nc s ay 1 SC .

That man will ea rn a fortu ne a nd yet d ie poo r .

P at riot i sm
A m an c a n be a Ch ri sti an or a patrio t b ut he ca n t ’

le g al ly be a Ch ri s ti a n and a pat riot—excep t i n the u s u al

,

way : on e of th e t w o with th e mou th the ot h er w ith the

,

he a rt Th e s pi rit o f Ch ri s t i a nity p roc l ai m s t h e brother

.

hood of t he race and th e m ea ning o f th a t s tron g word

h as not been left to g uesswork but m ade t remendousl y
defi n it e—the Ch ri s tia n m ust forgive h is b rothe r m an al l
,

c ri mes h e ca n i m a gi ne a nd com mit and all i nsul t s h e ca n

—
,

conceive a nd utt e r forgive these i nj u ries how m any

ti mes — s eventy ti me s s even—anothe r w ay o f s ayi n g
there s h al l be no l i mit to th i s forg ivene ss Th at i s th e
s pi ri t and the l aw o f Ch risti anity W e ll —pat riotis m h a s
.

it s l aw And i t al so i s a pe rfectl y defin ite o n e the re a re

.
,

no va gu en ess e s about it I t c om mand s tha t th e b rothe r

.

ove r the borde r s h all be s h arpl y w a tched a nd b rou g h t

to boo k eve ry ti me h e doe s us a h u rt o r o ffend s us with a n
i n s ul t Word i t a s s oftly a s you please th e s pi ri t o f p a
.
,

t riot is m i s the s pi ri t o f the d og and t he wol f T he m om en t

.

the re i s a m i s unde r s tand in g about a bou nda ry l ine o r a

ha m pe r o f fi s h or s ome othe r sq ual id m atte r s ee patriot ,

i s m ri s e and hea r h i m s pl it th e u nive r s e wi th h i s wa r

,

33 2
 MARK TWA IN
q uis it en es ses, wh i c h h ave n ot ye t bee n r eveal ed t o h i m
and he will by a nd by come to real ize t hat s uch a mou n
tai n i s a s ubl i me m ys te ry which is full c h a rged with be a u -

ti ful s ecrets wh i c h onl y a l i feti me o f daily obse rva tion

,

ca n en a bl e hi m to e xh aust Eve ry s l i g ht d ri fti ng o f th e

.

s un ex poses to view for a momen t a detail not discov

e red be for e — the next moment i t i s i nvi s ible a g a i n a nd

m ay remai n so fo r a yea r po s sibly—u nti l sun a nd at
,

m os p h e re a re exa ct l y ri g ht for i t once more I t m ay be a .

s h e phe rd s h ut h igh perch ed a mon g the b reezy hei g hts

’
,

it glows l ike a s p a rk for a n i n s tant a nd pe rhaps you migh t

,

watch th at s pot for a yea r a nd nev e r see it a g a in Eve ry .

s l ight ch ange o f the ceasele ss l y ch angi n g atmos phe re

washe s the mou ntai n with n ew di stribution s of l i g h t a nd
s h ade n ew d ream s o f enchantin g color
,
.

I n ti m e t h e s tr a nge r t o mou ntai n s fi nd s th e m a s tl ike

P ilatu s i s a new mou ntai n eve ry day a nd may be gloated ,

ove r with a new pa s s ion a nd a ne w del ight eve ry d a y and

all th e days foreve r ; th at i t i s al w ays beauti ful ; t h at it s
,

beauty i s neve r t w ice the sa me and neve r s tales ; that i f

,

he coul d s it i n it s ben i g n a nt p r e sence all his l i fe h is wor

s h i p would be a s d e ep a nd st ron g at the l ast as it w as a t
the fi rst ; a nd t he pe a ce a nd heal i ng it b rough t to h i s S pi ri t
i n th e be g i nn in g would abide wi th h i m to th e end .

I c a n t tel l our l and from othe r people s when I p rowl

’ ’

ab s ent mi ndedl y a rou nd so eve ry now and the n I s te p

-
,

ove r the l ine and g et wa rned o ff A s u rv ival o f the hol y

.

pa st A t hou s and yea rs a g o whe n a ma n went poki n g

.

th rou g h a wood he had to blow h i s horn eve ry few

,

m i n ute s a s a p rote c tion I f h e we n t s ile ntl y h e woul d be

.

s u s pe cted o f be ing a t h ie f an d s h ot .

They feed us l avi s hly How do they m a n age i t at the

.

p ri c e ? The l an g ua g e s u s ed a r e G e rm a n a nd F r e nch
m a i nly G e r ma n .

3 34
 N OT E B O O K
Th e bo at s go stu t te ri n g b y with a g ood de a l o f fre~
q u e n cy
— a nd p a cked w ith tou rists Th ey ch a rg e onl y th r ee .

fr a ncs fi fty fo r th e rou nd trip to F lué llen and b a ck—a

voya g e of fiv e hou rs .

Met a w oman of 70 with a d ee p fru it b asket s trapped -

o n he r b a ck a nd s h e stopp e d a nd r e m a rk e d th a t th e
,

w e a th e r wa s ve ry wa rm I wa s o f .
—
th a t opi nion too th e ,

pe rspi ration w as flo w i ng from me w a sh i ng bould e rs down ,

the h ill Th is wa s a bou t a th i rd o f the wa y up t h e mou n

.

t a i n She asked i f I wa s on m y way to th e s u m mit I s a id

. .

no it w a s too m uch o f a cl i mb She s a id s h e h a d b ee n up

,
.

th e re to c a r ry a load o f p ea ches and p ea rs and wa s o n ,

h e r w ay do w n to g e t a noth e r load I ask e d i f sh e m ea nt .

to ca r ry th at up t oo Y es s h e sa id Tod ay ?Oh ye s today

,
.
,
.
,
.

I t ried to voice my admi r a tion b ut got t a ngl e d a mong ,

th e v e rb s and t e ns e s and s h e b a de m e g ood bye a nd re -

su med h e r b risk march do w n the slope w ithout w aiti ng

to see wh e re I w as goi ng to a rriv e wi th my sp ee ch Sh e .

was app a r e n t l y n ot overh e at e d and wa s n ot p e rsp i ri ng ,

.

She w as cl i mbi ng 50 0 0 fee t t w ic e i n the d a y w ith a lo a d

, ,

o f 1 0 0 lb s descendi ng the s ame dist a nce twic e ye t s h e

.
, ,

se emed to thi n k noth in g o f it One ascent by i ts elf would .

use me up .

J ul y 3 1 S u nday A s moot h l ake and a mos t qu ie t and

. .

pe a ceful d a y D omestic pictu re G randmoth er moth er

. .
,

and tw o l itt le d a ughte rs s itting by th e l a ke i n front of

,

th ei r p retty vil l a G randma t ea chi n g o n e o f the l ittle g i rl s

.

he r B ible l e ss on the mothe r t each in g the othe r o n e to fi s h

, .

I n a dream I h ave a t l as t e ncou ntered a h u moris m t h at

actually r e main e d o n e afte r wa king Th e cro w ned heads .

w e re ad ri ft at sea on a r a ft Th ey a ll m a n a ged to st a y
a miabl e b ut V i ctori a—s h e wa s const a ntl y cross Th is w as
.

th e o r i g i n o f t he V C Wi t h th at sentence t h e d ream
. .

e n de d .

335
 MAR K TWA IN
Aug . Th e Jub ilee Sin g e rs s an g a t t h e Lowen l a st
13 .

n ight—d i v in e r eve n th a n i n thei r e arly da y s 2 6 yea rs ago

, , .

Th ey c a m e up to the house th is morni ng a nd s ang to us .

The y a re as fi ne peopl e as I a m acqu a i nted w ith i n any

cou nt ry .

Mond a y Aug 1 6 L a st nigh t the re w as a Fest and a

. .

torchl igh t p roc e ssion o f w h eel m e n from he re ( W e ggi s ) to

Vitzn a u a nd b a ck Aft e r m idnight fou r v il l a ge r s out in a
bo a t—they h a d b ee n d ri nking t oo m uch —got u p s et and
.

th r e e we re d ro w n e d : a cook a con f e ction e r and a lock

, ,

s mith a ll you ng m e n o f the vil l a g e I t h as m ade a deep .

s ens a tion Tod a y th e p e opl e stand about i n g roups tal ki n g

.
,

lo w a nd lookin g sad The re is b ut on e topic Even our

. .

f a mil y finds itsel f pe rsonal ly a ff e cted by t he t r age dy ; for

w e fi nd th at o ur fruit sh 0 p w oman lost h e r son by it —a
young f e llow of 2 7 She and h e r daught e r go o n w i t h thei r
.

work tod a y as u s u al ( the poo r h a ve no e m a ncipation s from

work ) but they a re ve ry s ad .

V i ll a B uhlegg, We g gis Lake Luce rne Aug 1 8 9 7 ’

. .
, , ,

One ye a r today si nc e th e g reat d isaste r f e l l Livy went .

a w ay to be alone She took the steame r and s pent the day

s ol ita ry i n a n i n n i n a n u nkno w n to w n up t he l ake—a
.

villag e I s pen t the d a y alone u nd e r the t r e e s o n the

mou nt a i n side w riting s ome l i nes —a l ament for Su s y in
.

-
,

the form o f a n alle g o ry .

U nde r the title I n Memoria m i t wa s pu b

lis h ed i n Ha rpe r s M a gazin e and i s no w i ncl uded
’
,
“
i n the vol um e o f h is collected works The
”
Bequ e st .

U nq ue s ti o nabl y the pe r s on that ca n g et lowe s t down

in cri ngi n g be fore royalty a nd nobil ity a nd ca n ge t mo st ,

s ati s fa c tion out o f c rawl i n g on h i s bel ly be fo re the m i s a n ,

336
 MARK TWA IN
stree ts the n to t he rig h t a g ai n a str eet o r t w o th en to
th e l eft tw o s treets —b ut he g ave me a dia gra m an d th at
, , ,

con fused me I s ai d it s how ed th at the thi rd tu rn must

also be to th e ri g ht—a n d we m a de a t e s t Of cou rs e h e
.

turned out t o be ri gh t.

I would as soon spe n d my li fe in W e ggis a s an ywhere

—
in th e g eog raphy Sept 97 .
’
.

33 8
 CH A PT E R X XX I

I n V ien na

A fte r t w o months i n Weggi s w e fi nd the

Cl e m e ns f a mil y loc a ted at th e Hot e l M e tropole ,

i n Vi e n n a .

V I E N N A Tuesd a y Sept 2 8 9 7 Left Salzb u rg noon yes ’

M
. .
, , ,

t erd ay a rriv e d 7 P
,
i n Vi e nn a V i s it e d s eve n hot e ls
. . .

l a s t night before w e coul d get a s u i t a bl e lodging Stopp e d .

at th e Hotel M u lle r Vis ited eight hot el s today and then

.

moved to th e Me tr opol e We h ave neve r app roached .

t h i s record befo r e .

Hotel Me t ropol e V ienn a Oct 3 9 7 At th e next rou nd

, ,
.
,
’
.

table to ou r s s its a p ri nces s ( d a ughte r o f th e D o wa g e r

E mp res s F red e rick and g r a ndd a ught e r o f Victori a ) ; also
,

the you n g daughte r o f th e abov e and h e r i nt e nded the ,

young Pri nce Hen ry R e uss cal l e d Hen ry I I I whose , ,

mothe r a nd s iste r a nd u ncl e the P ri nce von We rn igerod e , ,

i n I lsenbu rg we re i n th e Ha rtz Mount a i ns s ix yea rs ago

, .

W i th th e m a m aid o f honor a nd a couple o f E q ue r ri es

, , .

Good l ookin g p e opl e Th e y all s moke

-
. .

A ma n h a s sent m e a B ible 2 50 year s old ( forme rl y

th e pro pe rty o f Qu ee n Ch ristina o f S we den ) to look a t , .

—
I t s a s big as a t runk a nd a s u ni nte resting as a n e mpty
i
one I t ha s been i n th e room th r e e d ay s a nd we a r e get
.

ti ng ti r e d o f th e res pons ibil ity To p eopl e w ho val ue s uch .

anti q u iti es i t m u s t be wo rth much money .

339
 MAR K TWA I N
Su nday Oct 1 0 The p ri nce ss did me t he hono r t o
,
. .

s end a nd i nv ite me dow n to her pa rlor th is afte rnoon , ,

and a dded the fu rthe r honor o f sayi n g th at i f I w as not

yet st rong enough to leave my qua rte r s she w oul d come
up a nd s ee me I w ent down at 4 :30 a nd w as r e ceived i n
.

a w ay w h ich put me at my c ase at once Sh e ca me to th e .

door when I wa s a nnou nced and p ut o ut he r h and and

g a ve me a h ea rty grasp and s h a ke and s a id— I a m ve ry
“
, ,

ve ry gl a d to meet y u a nd know y ou M r Clemen s I

o — , .

h a ve read you r book s and a m famil i a r with the m a nd

”
th ey h a ve giv e n me gr ea t enjo y ment I s a id — “
I t is a .

g reat h appi ness to m e et you r Roy al High ness a nd w h at ,

”
y ou h ave s ai d m a ke s me ve ry p roud She g ave me a .

chai r a nd w h en sh e h a d seated he rs e l f I s at do w n a nd the

tal k a t once flo w ed freely She want e d to k now how I came
.

to get i nte rested i n J oan o f A rc and s ai d sh e h ad read ,

my book t h rough th r e e ti mes a nd h ad then given it to a

you ng gi rl s school w h ich sh e h a d fou nded Speaking o f
’
.

Joan s fate s h e s a i d
’
Poo r ch ild b ut for the p r i est s i t
‘
,

woul d not have h appened but wheneve r t h ey meddle , ,

”
h a rm must come to som e body .

“
P a rticul a rl y whe n they a nd pol itic s j oi n tea m s and
meddl e t oget h er I s aid Sh e assent e d so z e alou sl y t hat I
”
,
.

r e mi nded he r th at s h e shouldn t have such O pi nion s a s ’

th a t—they w e re p rope r to my sort o f fol k B ut she said .

s he h ad s uch O pi n ions and fe e l i ng s and wa s u sed to put ,

ting th e m in w ords The re w as some tal k about the G re ek

.

s itu ation and I s aid s h e s eemed to h ave a l ikin g fo r

,

pol itics A nd so on a nd so o n And s h e mentioned Gen

.
, . .

von Ve rsen and re g retted h is death a nd s aid sh e knew ,

I had di ned i n h i s hou s e to meet the Ge rman E m pe ro r

s aid the E m pe ror had told he r about it .

And the n s om e tal k about he r dau g hte r and t he be

t rot h al to the you ng P ri nce Reu ss — s aid — It took pl a c e
“
”
in thi s roo m a week a g o t oday
, I s aid th a t i t m u s t h ave
.

340
 MA R K TWA I N
D ec . N i gh t be fore l a s t Madam e Le sc he tizky ca m e
1 .
,

a nd took Cl a ra and me to Ri tte r von D ut sc h ka s t o di n e ’

.

T we nty p e rsons at di nne r ; Cou nt vo n Eul e nbe rg ( Ge rm a n

A mbas sa dor ) and oth e r s came i n afte r di nne r A remark .

a ble gathe ri ng—no com mon pl ace people p resent no ,

l ea th e rheads P rince s and othe r t i tl ed p e ople the re no t

.
,

becaus e o f thei r t itl es but for th e i r disti nction i n ach i e ve

,

m e nt I t wa s l ike a Salon o f O l d ti me P a ri s Mada me

. .

D ut sc h ka i s l a rge and st a tel y and beauti ful cordial and ,

fu ll o f al l ki nd s o f ch a rm s o f m an ne r a nd w ay s and s peec h , .

She i s Rus s i an ; a ppea r s to be about 30 but i s really 5 2 , ,

a nd h a s a so n 2 8 Cou nt K ilm ansegge Gove rnor o f U ppe r

.
,

Aust ri a and w i fe and—but I ca nnot remembe r the name

, ,
.

Th e new ba ritone from B ey eut ( von Rooy ) s an g a won

r —
d e rf ul voice He is but 2 6 and has a futu re before h i m
. .

Le s cheti zky pl ayed A m a rvelou s pe rforman c e He n eve r

. .

—
play s except i n that hou s e s h e s ays He s acrificed h i msel f ,
.

—
for h i s fi rst wi fe bel ieved sh e woul d be the g reate st
p ian i st of al l ti me and now th ey h ave been many yea r s
sepa rated I f he h ad developed h i m s el f in s t e ad of he r he
.

woul d h ave been th e world s wonde r h i m s el f ’

.

Note added J ul y 1 9, 0 9 He is still alive a n d h as h i s ’

.

fou rth wi fe .

B u ri ed tr eas u re i n a Mi ss ou ri villa g e—s uppos ed by

worn fi g u re s to be $ 9 80 Co rrupt s the villa g e c a u s e s qua r
.
,

rel s and mu rde r and when found a t l ast i s

,

We h ave he re p robabl y t he fi r s t h i nt o f the

g rea t s tory h e wa s to write a l it tl e l ate r The
M
,

an That C orrupt ed H ad leyburg .

Eccl es i a s ti c al a nd m il ita ry cou rt s —made up o f cowa rd s

hyp oc rite s and ti me s e rve r s—c an be b red at the rate of a
,

m il l ion a yea r and have m a t e ri al l eft ove r ; bu t i t take s

fiv e centu rie s to b re ed a Jo a n o f A rc a n d a Zo la .

343
 N OT E B O O K
“
Dec 1 1 Cablegra m from Keokuk
. .
, Ia . Orion died
tod a y He wa s p a st 7 3
. .

Dec 30 No l e tt e r from Moll i e ye t ; we do not kno w

. .

whethe r i t wa s s udd e n o r n o t .

Th ey we nt for t he s u mme r to a r e sort j u s t out

s id e o f Vi e nn a A mong th e notes o f th a t p e riod
.

a r e a good m a n y a x ioms It is notic ea bl e that .

M a rk T wa i n h a d become mor e bitt e r follo w ing

Sus y s d ea th
’
.

Kaltenl eut g eben J ul y 4 9 8 New s th at S a mpson has

, ,
’
.

de s troye d th e Sp a nis h fl ee t i n th e H a rbor o f S a nti a go d e

Cuba ; that o ur t roops h a ve clos e l y i nvested th e cit y and
that i t must s u rrend e r Al so th a t our t r a nspo rt fl e et h as a t
.

l ast a rrived a t Manil a D r E S P a rke r and Corn e il . . . .

Du nha m a re h ere to en j oy th i s n ew s with us .

A pe r s on ( Satan ) w h o for u ntol d centu ri e s h a s mai n

t ain ed th e i mpos i ng pos i t ion o f s pi ri tu al he a d o f 4/ 5 of
t he h u ma n r a ce and pol itical head o f the whol e of it must
, ,

be gr a nted th e possess ion o f executive a b il iti e s of th e

h ighest orde r I n h is l a rge p res e nce t he oth e r popes and
.

pol itici a ns s h ri nk to m idget s for the m icroscope .

He h as n t a s i n g le s al a ried hel pe r ; t he Oppos i ti on e m

’

ploy a m ill ion .

Some men wor s h i p rank some worsh i p h e roes some , ,

wor s h i p po w e r some wors hi p G o d and ove r these ideal s

they dispute—but they al l worsh i p mon e y
, ,

Th e re i s no law i n the B ibles and th e St a tute B ooks

li m iti ng th e appetite s and the pa s s ion s t h a t h a s any but
on e funct i on to wi t : to l i mi t t he l aw of God
,
.

343
 MA R K TWA I N
To as k a do ctor s O p i ni o n of os t eop ath y is eq uiv ale nt
’

t o goi ng to Sa ta n fo r i nf o r ma ti on a bout Ch ris ti a n i ty .

You ca n t depe n d o n you r j ud g m en t whe n you r im ag

’

in ati on i s ou t of focu s .

Th e p rope r offi ce of a friend i s to s ide w i th you wh e n

you a re i n th e wron g Nea rly a n ybody will s ide wi t h you
.

whe n you a re in t he rig h t .

Th e re is bu t on e fi rst th ing to do when a ma n is

wounded and sufl erin g : relieve h i m I f we ha ve a c u ri .

os it y t o know h is na ti o n a li ty th at is a ma tt e r of n o conse
,

q ue nce an d c a n wai t
, .

G od s in h u m a ni ty to m an ma ke s cou ntl ess t h o us a n d s

’

Of t h e demon s t r ably wis e the re a re but two ; th ose wh o

co m mi t s ui ci de and t hos e w ho kee p t hei r reaso nin g facul
,

ti es a t r oph i ed wi th d ri n k .

Th e radi cal of one ce n tu ry is t he cons e rva ti ve of t h e

next .

Th e radi ca l i nven ts th e vie ws Whe n h e h as worn th e m

.

out th e con s e rva ti ve a dopts th e m .

Th ere has been o n l y one Ch ristia n Th ey c a ugh t Hi m .

an d c ru ci fi ed Hi m ea rly .

Wh at God l acks i s co n vi cti ons—s tab ility of c har a cte r .

He ou g ht to be a P res byte ri a n or a Cat ho l i c or som e

t h i n g—no t t ry to be eve ryth in g .

I f all men we re ri c h a ll men would be poor

, .

Let us s wea r wh ile we m ay fo r in hea ve n i t will , not

be all owed .

344
 M A R K TWA I N
Th e hu man ra ce con s i s ts of th e damned a n d t h e ou g h t
t o b e da mn ed
-
.

Wh e n you fish for love bait wi t h you r hea rt

, ,
n ot

you r b r ai n .

u rn
We l ugh an d l ugh
a a ,

T hen cry an d cry

Th e n f eeble r la ugh ,

Th e n die .

Th e hea rt i s th e r e al Fou ntai n o f Yo uth Wh ile th at .

r emain s youn g the Wate rbu ry of T i me m u s t stand sti ll .

Ch ri sti anity w ill doubtless s t il l s u rvive i n t h e ea rth t en

centuri es hence s tuffed a nd i n a mu s eu m
- .

S hut th e door Not that it lets i n th e cold but th at i t

.
,

lets ou t t h e cozyn es s .

I t i s a n a rt a pa rt S ai n t F r a nc i s o f A ss i s i s aid
. Al l
s ai nts can do m i racles but few o f th e m ca n keep h otel
,
”
.

I t i s eas ie r fo r a cannibal t o ente r th e Ki ng dom of

He ave n th rough the eye o f a ri ch ma n s n e edl e th a n it i s
’

for a ny o t he r forei g ne r to read th e t e rrible Ge rma n

scrip t.

Edu c a tion con s i s t s mai nl y i n wha t we h ave u nlea rned .

I n th i s day of the t ele g raph m a n wai ts n ot fo r ti me

o r tide .

Th e alta r c l o th o f one aeo n i s th e doorm a t o f th e next .

3 46
 N OT E B O O K
Good friends g ood books and a sleepy conscience
,

th is is th e id ea l l i fe ( w ritte n i n the A rchduchess s a lbu m ) ’

.

Conce rn i ng th e di ff e renc e bet we en m a n a nd th e j a ck a ss

s ome obs e rv e rs hold th a t th e r e is n t any B u t thi s wrongs
’
.

th e j ack a ss .

I t i s e a sie r to s tay o ut th an get o ut .

I t i s by the g ood ness o f God th a t i n our cou nt ry w e

hav e thos e th r e e u ns p ea k a bl y p r e cious things : fr e edom
o f S p ee ch fr ee dom o f conscienc e and the p r udenc e n e ve r
, ,

t o exe rcis e e ithe r o f th e m .

Truth i s st r a ng e r th an fi ction but i t i s bec a use fiction

,

is obl iged t o stick to pos sibil iti e s ; t ruth isn t ’

.

H a ve a pl a c e for eve ryth ing and k ee p t h e th i ng some

whe r e e ls e This i s not advice i t i s me rely custom
.
, .

The r e a re seve ral good p rotections a g a in st t empta tion s

but th e s u r e st i s co w a rdice .

Natu r e makes t h e locust w ith a n appetite for crop s ;

m a n w ould h ave m a d e h i m w it h an app e tit e for sand— I
me a n a m a n w ith th e l e ast l i ttle b it o f common sense .

The re a r e m a n y sc a pego a ts for ou r bl u nde rs b ut th e ,

most pop ul a r o n e i s P rovid e nce .

Wh e n p e opl e do not r e s p e ct w e a re sh a rpl y o ff ended ;

us
yet deep do w n i n h is h ea rt n o m an m uch r e s p e cts h i msel f .

The u nive r sa l b ro t h e rhood o f man i s ou r mos t p re ci ou s

p o s ses s ion —w h at the re is o f it .

So m e o f thes e ob s e rvations he used j n h is boo ks .

347
 MARK TWA IN
Th rough h avi ng mi s l aid h i s notebook o r fo r ,

som e othe r r ea son th i s London not e wa s omitted

,

from th e p recedi n g book and he re fol low s :

London J a n 7 9 7 Last Su nd ay I s t ruck u pon a new
,
.
,
’
.

sol ution of a h au nti ng m y st e ry A gre a t m a n y y ea rs ago

”
.

I publ i s h e d i n t he Atl antic The Recent Ca rn iv a l o f Cri me

”1
i n Conn e cticut .

Th a t w as a n att e mpt to a ccou nt for o ur s eemi ng dual

—
it y the p res e nce i n us o f a not he r pers o n ; not a sl ave o f
ou rs but free a nd i nd e pendent and with a ch a racte r d is
, ,

t in c t ly it s o w n I m a de my conscience tha t othe r pe rson

.

and i t ca me b e fore m e i n the form o f a m al ignant dwa rf

a nd told me pl ai n th i ng s about mysel f and s hamed m e
and scofl ed a t m e a nd de rided me Th i s cre a tu re w as so .

m uch it s ow n m aste r that i t would l e ave th e p re mi s e s

l eave it s po s t— for sa ke it s duties — and g o o ff o n a S p ree
—
wi th oth e r i rre s pons ible con s cience s and di s cu ss thei r
m aste r s ( n o —th e i r s l ave s ) .

P resentl y Steven s on p ubl is hed D r Jek yll a nd M r . .

Hyde Th a t w as nea re r th i s th i n g J a nd H we re the dual

. . . .

p e rson s i n on e body
q u ite disti
,
nct i n n a tu re and ch a racte r
and p r e su mably e a ch w ith a co ns c ienc e of it s ow n N ea re r .
,

yes bu t not nea r enough Or to put i t d ifl eren tly a t rut h

,
.
, ,

a nd a fal s ity h a rnessed togethe r ; th e f a ls ity bei n g t he

abil ity of th e one pe r s on to s tep i nto the othe r pe r s o n s ’

place at w ill
, .

I h a ve u nde r s cored cons c ience o f it s own When I .

m a de my con s cien c e my othe r p e rson a nd i ndependent , ,

with its o w n ( ori g inal ) cha r a cte r i t wa s a m istake My , .

con s ci e n ce is a pa rt of m e I t i s a m e r e machi ne l ike my

.
,

—
he a rt but moral not phy s i c al ; and bei n g moral i s t eac h
,

a ble , it s a c tion m od ifiable I t i s me rely a t h in g ; the

.

c reatu r e o f t rai n i n g ; it i s wh ateve r one s mothe r a nd ’

B ible a nd c o m rade s a nd l a w s and s y ste m o f gove rnm e nt

Inc l uded to da y in his collect ed w o r ks .

348
 MA R K TWA I N
t e rious t ri ps — b ut I a m acqu ai nted ( di mly ) w i th m y
S pi ritu a l ize d self and I kno w th a t i t a nd I a re one b e ,

c a use w e h a v e com mon m e mory ; w h e n I w ake morn i ngs ,

I r e membe r th a t i t ( that is I ) h av e bee n doing and

, ,

wh i the r it ( th at i s I ) h a v e be e n w a nde ring i n the cou rse

of w hat I took to be u n real ity a nd called D rea m s for ,

wa nt of a t rut h fuler na me .

Now a s I take it my oth e r s el f my d r e a m s el f i s

, , , ,

merel y my ordi n a ry body and m i nd freed from clo gg i n g

flesh and become a s pi ritu al ized body and m ind a nd wi th
t h e ordi na ry po w e r s o f both e nl a rged i n all p a rt ic ul a rs 3
li ttl e and i n some pa rt icul a r s p rodigiou s l y
, .

For i nsta nce to the ordi na ry v ision the v i s ion of the

X ray i s added—the i nvis ibl e ray—a nd I a m abl e to use
, ,

i t and see th rough opaque bodi es You h ave a n i n s tan c e

.

o f th i s i n t h e bi og raphy o f A g ass iz I n a d rea m h e s aw

.

th rough the s tone th a t conta i ned a fo ss il s hel l an d woke

up a nd d rew a p ictu re of th at s h e ll ; and whe n he b roke
O pen th e s tone h i s pictu re wa s corre ct .

Waking I move s lo w ly ; but i n my drea m s my u n h a m

pe red s pi ritual ized body fl ies to t h e ends of the ea rth
in a m ill ionth of a s e cond See m s t o —and I bel ieve d o es
.
, .

Waki ng I ca nnot form i n my m ind th e m i nu t el y de

ta iled an d l iving featu re s of a face and a form a nd a
cos tu me wh ich I h ave neve r s een b ut my d rea m s el f c a n
,

do al l th i s w ith the accu racy a nd vividne ss o f a c a me ra .

Wa ki ng I cannot create i n my mi nd a pi ct u r e o f a roo m

,

a nd furn it ti re w h ich I h ave not rec ently s ee n or h ave ,

neve r s een ; bu t my d rea m s el f ca n do th i s to t h e m i n u t e st

d e ta il .

M y d rea m s el f meets friend s st ran g e r s th e dead the

l ivi ng all s o rt s a nd kinds of d rea m people—and hold s
—
, , ,

both rational and i rrational conve r s ation s with them u pon

s ubje ct s w h i c h ofte n h ave not bee n i n my waki n g m i nd
a nd w hi c h i n s ome ca s es could n eve r have been i n it
, .

And the s e p eo ple s ay th i ngs to m e wh i c h aff ect m e in al l

35°
 N OTE B OO K
way s ; pl ea s u rably s adly o fl en sively h u m il iati n g ly They
'

.
, , ,

m a k e m e c ry th ey m a k e m e l a ugh th ey m a k e m e r a g e
, , ,

th ey m a ke m e figh t th ey mak e m e ru n th e y m a k e m e
, ,

i nsul t th e wea k they m a ke m e cri nge t o th e st rong a nd

, ,

s wa llo w t h e i nsults of the i ns ult e r And I a m a l w ays

—
.

m ys e f l not
,
th a t oth e r p e rson w ho is i n m e W a tson .

I do a ctu a ll y m a k e i mm e ns e e x cu rs ions i n my s pi ri t
ualized p e rson I go i nto aw ful d a ng e rs ; I a m i n b a ttl e s
.

a nd t ry i ng to h id e from th e bul l e ts ; I f a l l o ve r clifl s ( a nd

my un s pi ritu a l iz e d body st a rts ) I g e t l os t i n c a ves and .

i n the corridors o f monst rou s hot e ls ; I app ea r before

comp a ny i n m y s h i rt ; I come o n th e pl a tform w ith no
s ubj e ct to t a l k a bout a nd not a not e ; I go to u nn a m a bl e
,

pl a c es I do u np ri nci pled th ings ; and ev e ry v is ion is vivi d

, ,

—
ev e ry s en s ation ph y sical a s we ll as mor a l is real— .

When my ph y s ic a l body di e s my d r ea m body wi ll

doubtles s contin ue its excu rsion a nd activities wi t hout
c han g e foreve r
,
.

I n m y d r ea m l ast n ight I w as s uddenl y i n th e p r e sence

o f a negro w e nch w ho w a s s itti ng i n grassy open cou nt ry ,

wit h h e r l eft a rm res ti ng on th e a rm of o n e o f those long

p a rk s of a s that a re m a de o f b road s l a t s w ith cracks b e
-

t we e n a nd a cu rve ove r back She w as ve ry vivid to me

,
-
.

rou nd bl a ck face sh in y bl a ck eyes th ick l ips v e ry w h ite

, , ,

r e g ul a r te e th s ho w i ng th rough h e r s m ile She wa s about .

2 2 a nd pl u m p— n o t fl e shy not f a t m e r e l y rou nded a nd

, , ,

pl u mp ; a nd good n atu red and not at all b a d looki n g She

-
,
-
.

had but o e g a rment o

n u — a co a rs e to w l i n e n s h i rt th a t -

r ea ch e d from he r n e ck to he r a nkles w ith out b reak She

s ol d m e a p i e ; a mus h y appl e pie h ot She wa s eati ng — .
.

o n e h e rs e l f w ith a ti n t ea s poon Sh e m a de a di s gus t i ng

.

p roposition to m e Al though i t w as disgusti ng i t did not

s u rp ris e m e—fo r I w as youn g ( I w as neve r old i n a d rea m
.

y e t ) and i t s e emed q uite n atu ral that it should come

f rom he r I t w as d isgusti ng but I did n o t s ay so ; I me rely
.
,

m ade a ch afli ng r e m a r k b ru s h i ng a s ide t h e m a tt e r

,

3S I
 MA R K TWA I N
—
a l i t tl e j ee ri n gl y a nd th i s emba rra ss ed he r a n d sh e m ade
a n a wk wa rd pretence that I h ad m isu nd e rstood h er I .

m a d e a s a rc a s ti c rema rk about th i s p ret e nce a nd asked ,

for a spoon to eat my p ic w i th She had but th e on e .

,

a nd s h e took i t out of he r mouth i n a q u ite matte r o f

—
-
,

cou rse w ay a nd o ff e red i t to me My stomach r os e th e re

,
.

eve yt hing v a nished

r .

—
I t as not a d re a m it al l ha ppen ed I wa s a ctu al ly
w
there i n person—in my s pi ritual ized condition My how
.

.
,

vivid i t al l w as ! Eve n to the textu re o f he r s h i rt it s dull ,

w hite color and the pal e b ro w n ti nt o f a s ta i n o n th e

,

s houlde r o f i t I h ad neve r seen th a t g i rl ; I w as n ot

.

ac q uai nted w ith he r—but dead o r al ive s h e i s a ealit y ; she r

exists a nd sh e w as t he e He r p ie wa s a s pi ritu al ized

r .

pie no doubt and also he r s h i rt a nd the bench and the

, ,

—
s hed but thei r ac t ualit ies were at th at moment i n exi st
ence s om ew he re i n the w orld .

The ti me th at my d re a m s el f fi rst appea red to me a nd

expl ai ned itsel f ( a pp a rently I was for the moment d ream
i n g ) it w as a s i ns ub s tan ti al a s a di m bl ue s moke a nd I ,

s aw the fu rn itu re t h rou g h i t bu t i t w as d ress ed i n m y ,

c u sto mary cloth es .

H e does not s tick to text—not altog ethe r h is

a s who ca n i n a ny attempt to e l ucidate the s h ade s
o f di ff e renc e bet w een u nde r con s ciou s a nd s e mi -

—
c onsciou s d rea m pe rsonal itie s o ur va riou s and
m ultipl e s el ve s ? I n t h e l ast pa ra gra ph we feel
a touch of fiction seldom enti r e l y l acki n g with
,

h i m ho w eve r much he t ried to s tick to the l ite ral

,

rel ation Ve ry l ikely he fel t thi s h i m s el f a nd so

.
,

ended i n th i s in c omplete fash ion .

Vi en na Ja n , . Tonigh t d rove out to Le sc hetizky s

19,
’
9 8 .
’

hou s e ( w i fe and Cl a ra alon g ) to attend one o f t he fort

n i g h tl y mee ti n gs o f hi s pi ano c l a ss A bout 2 5 o f h i s gr eat .

m ultitud e of people p re s ent The m a s te r s at at o n e pi a no.

,

3 52
 MARK TWA I N
ma n in Vi e nn a whose h ea d wa s tu rn ed and whos e hea rt
sor e l y n e eded mending L esc h y w ith hi s usu al kee n .
‘
,
’

n es s qu ickl y s iz e d up th e s ituati on and m a de a witty

,

r e m a rk to a grou p o f you n g fellow s g a the r e d a bou t h im :

Boys h e said i t se e m s to me t h a t y ou a r e a ll s ufl eri ng
'
‘ ’ ‘

from the sa me troubl e— Del i ri u m

, ,
“
“
Suc h l ittl e s all ies of w i t often fl ashed o ut i n Lesch et
izky s rem a rks He w as a b ril liant conve rs a tional i s t a n
’
.
,

e ngross ing sto ry telle r a nd a m i mic w hose powe rs would

-

ha v e c a rried h i m fa r i n the the a t ri c a l p rof e ssion He .

utte red many an epigr a m which h is a uditors che rished .

”

Wednesday Feb 2 Ou r w eddi ng a n niv e rs a ry—2 8

, . .

ye a rs m a rried The fi rst sorro w ca me i n the fi rst yea r

.

th e de a th o f L ivy s fathe r Our Susy di e d Aug 1 8 96

’
. .
,
’

t he cloud i s pe rm an e nt now .

Feb 4 Our bet r oth al day

. . .

A t th e l e cture the othe r n ight Mada m e de L asch ows ka ,

i ntroduced us to He r Ro y al High ness Cou ntess B a rdi a ,

P ri nces s o f the Portugu e se Ro ya l House by m a rri a ge ,

s i ste r to th e Aust ri a n A rchduches s Ma rie Th e resa ( widow

of t h e A rchduke Lud w ig a nd mothe r to the A rchduke ,

Otto h e i r t o t he I mpe ri al th rone ) The Cou nte s s B a rdi

—
.
,

was ve ry c ordi a l v e ry beauti ful t oo i n both body a nd

S pi ri t —and so w e took cou n s el o f t he wise a nd the kno w
, ,

i ng a nd lea rned th at it would be p rope r eti q uette for us

,

to d rive to the Pal ace bet w e e n 1 2 a nd 2 toda y and w rite

o ur n a me s i n he r visitors book i n the po rtie r s offi ce
’ ’
.

80 w e d rove th ere ; got by th e senti nel s w ithout acci

d e nt a nd told th e fin e ly u n i form e d porti e r w hat ou r
,

e rrand wa s H e s aid .

“
You a re A m e ricans ? ”

Ye s ”
.

You a re expe ct ed H e r Roy a l High ness i s o ut but s h e

.
,

wil l be i n i n a mi nute .

3 54
 N OT E B O O K
And h e was takin g us to w a rd a l iv e ried m a nse rv a nt
who stood at the foot o f the st a i rs w ith a n e x p e ct a nt l ook
o n h is f a ce B ut Li vy hung b a ck a nd s a id
—
.

No it is a m ist a k e W e a r e not expected w e h a ve

,
.

onl y come to writ e i n th e book ”

.

The po rt ie r said a g a in :
“
Y o u a r e A m e ric a ns is it n o t so ?
”
,
“
Yes bu t w e a re not e xpect e d
,
”
.

“
Th e r e c a n b e no mist a k e g n a dige F rau; He r Royal ,

Highn e ss l e ft p a rticul a r ord e rs th a t he r abs e nc e m us t

b e e x pl a i n e d and th a t you must b e sho w n u pst a i rs I t is
but a fe w m i nut e s —
.

s h e wi ll come a l mos t at once

”

—
.

Th e oth e r se rvant also i ns ist e d and b e guil e d us up

st a i rs ; bu t w hen we fou nd th at he w as t a ki ng us to a
d ra w ing room Livy dre w t h e l i ne—sh e would go no
-
,

fu rt h e r— L e t us h ave the vis itors book and g e t aw ay

“ ” ’
,

a nd do w n s h e w ent a g ai n There w as no book—w ould w e.

write on a pi e ce of p a pe r ? Yes th a t woul d do So t h e ,

.

porti e r w as com m a nd e d to fu rnis h a pap e r a nd a pen .

B ut h e w as goi ng to obe y h is h igh e r ord e rs o r die a t h i s

post H e w oul d h ea r o f none o f th e se a rr a ng e m e nts : w e
.

m us t go u pst a i rs a nd wa it Th e s e nti n e l s we r e clos e b y

, .
,

w i t h th e i r guns I a m a p rud e nt ma n I s a id we woul d

. .

O b ey .

So we w ent up ag a i n l a id off o ur wr aps and w e re co n

, ,

ducted th rough o n e d r aw i ng room ( saw a g o w n s ku r ryi n g -

o ut o f th e door ) a nd l e ft a lone i n anothe r L i v y wa s i n a .

gre a t fright a nd m ad e the s e rv a nt p romise to i n q ui r e

, ,

a nd i f it w a s a mist a k e com e b a ck a nd t e ll us a nd give u s

a chance to fly before being orde red o ut .

B ut I w as n ot troubled ; I w a s ch armed w i th th e s itu a

tion ch a rm e d w ith the fine l ite ra ry fl a vor o f i t a nd wi th
, ,

th e story book com pl e t e n e s s of it I bel i ev ed th e r e wa s a

-

m istak e—I wa s s u re o f it —but I wouldn t h ave m i s s ed it

.

for a n y th ing I wa s full of ea g e r cu rios ity to s ee h o w it

.

would tu rn out ; and I could h a rdly enjoy a be au ti f ul

355
 MARK TWA I N
o il-pai nted l ake sc ene w h i c h fas c i na t ed me my m i n d wa s
,

so l u x u riou s l y busy i m a gi ning w h a t w as goi ng to h appen

—
.

And I h a d o n e deep deep regret th at Ho w ell s w as not

, ,

th e r e —the re to fi ll th e oc cas ion with colos s a l bl und e rs ,

a nd m a ke i t too funn y for th i s world ! Ho we ll s o r Rev .

T w ichell —o r both Howeve r wi th t h ree born bl u nde r

.
,

m a k e rs togethe r p e rh aps th at w ould h a ve b e en t oo much

, .

I i magi ned th e P ri ncess comin g home and fi ndi ng th at

a Cou pl e of i n nocent wi ld A merican s w h o w e re meanin g
,

no h a rm h ad bee n mistaken for s omebody w h o wa s

,

r ea lly expected and h ad g otten the ms e lves i nto a s itua

,

tion com mon to the mend a cious s t ag e but wholly im po s

,

s ible i n re a l l i fe I knew t ha t the ordin a ry p ri nc e s s o f

.

books a nd th e s tage woul d have no d ifficulty i n deal ing

—
with th i s matte r it woul d be qu ite civil : orde r up the
senti n e l an d cl e a r th e se fool is h i nt rud e rs o ut B ut th i s .

was not th at ki nd o f a p ri nce s s s h e w as m ade o f fi ne r

-

fi be r th a n t hat He r fi rs t thought woul d be how to get

.
,

us o ut o f t he re withou t h u m il ia ti n g u s S he would be
.

t roubl e d n ow ; a nd the s or rowful comed y woul d be ex

h aust ively complete a nd pe rfect all a rou nd Ho w w oul d .

s h e p roc e ed ? I s et mysel f th e pleas a nt e nt e rtai n ment

“
o f ci phe ri ng th at o ut I s ai d to m y sel f I n th e fi rst pl ace
.
, ,

sh e

And th e n s h e came i n ! And I got no fu rthe r wi th my

—
pl o t B ut I c o uld h ave ci phe red i t out I know i t With
.

h e r ca me he r s iste r the A rchduchess —e loq u e nt de e p eye s

.

, ,

a nd th e f a ce a book whe re the r e cord s o f a righ t hea rt

a re cl ea rl y w ritt e n She h a d s u ffe red a b e reavement a nd
.

i f I h ad h ad more Ge rm an at my c om mand t h ere w as a ,

s ubj ect wh ich w as close to m y h ead ! He r daught e r s w e re

with he r a nd al s o the ch ild re n o f he r s iste r—that p ri nces s
,

who as s i s t s he r h u s band i n hi s noble work o f affording

r e l ie f to people whos e eye s h ave s uffe red from di s ea s e .

I t w a s a S pl e ndid plea s u re to be th i s c lo s e to that p rince

and h i s p ri n c e ss wh o m I have s o lo ng held i n s u ch dee p
,

356
 M A R K TW A I N

bank a fo r a w h fl g fo r h e w as m ere ly exp ect in g to fi n d a

h umo ri st, not a com m erci al cy clo pedi a b ut he rocov —
ered p re s en tly .

we talked ti ll mi d n ig h t an d th en p art ed : I t o t h in k
ove r th e da ta an d the p ri c e a nd w e to meet
MM
,

agai n at 4 P .a y B y b rea k fas t ti me I h ad t h o ug h t

. .

it ove r s ufi ci en tly; so t h at I s en t word an d M r Klei n .

He could neve r res is t a patent ri g h t This on e

—a d emm ing ma c hin e t o be us ed in th e m a n u
.

faa ure of ca rpets et c wa s pa rt i cul a rl y allu m

A gai n th e a i r wa s full of g old—e ve n the type
. .
, ,

set te r had nev e r h eld out s uch p ros m t s a s this .

Th e w hole i n dustry of carpe t m ak i n g w as t o be -

revd ut i o ni zed Whe n h e h ad hi s option p rop

.

erly s i gn e d sealed an d del iv e red h e a m oun t ed

, ,

him self a billionaira l n h is

h e w rit es nm eb ook

t ha t wh en a ce rt a i n Mr Woo d rep rm en ti n g .

Am eri n n m rpet mm m called an d inq ui rd

-

h ow m uch b e m i ld ta ke for his on , he M

could not th i nk of a pri ce big en o ug h .

I de clin ed and got aw ay fro m t h e subj ect I was af r ai d .

h e woul d o ffe r m e h alf a millio n dollars for i t I s h ould .

h ave ba n ob li ged t o t ake it B ut as bo m w i t h a s pu u

M
.

h nve in s ti nc t an d I did not m e t mat p t a t ion p u t

in m y w ay
—
.

Wood said h e kn ew b ut on e m m in V ien na h ad m et

h im som e yea rs a go i n Co n st a n ti nop l e h i aj o r X eu — —
Am eri can gen tlem an w ho h as se r v ed in t h e A us t ri a n Cav
a l sy 3 2 y ea rs He h ad ta ke n t h e Ma j o r al on g as i nter
.

r r w h h h d h i t l k w i th M r K l i b th i s
M
p e t e , m e a s a e n m .

mo rnin g And now I fi nd t h at ajor X is t o be one of th e

.

g u e s t s w ho I a m t o m w t at D r O tis
’
s u; .

s m all world .

35 8
 N O T EB O O K
A s mall w orld and a pecul i a r one Pe rh aps
, .

t he re wa s noth in g s us picious i n th e facts o f M r .

Wood s sl ight a c q u ai nt a nc e i n V i e n n a a nd Major

’

X s p res e nc e a t the di nn e r—pe rh a p s M r Wood

’
.

real l y did contemplat e t a ki ng ov e r th e O ption ,

b ut th e r e i s som e th i ng i n i t a ll th a t s ugge sts a n

a rr a ng e m e nt ”
— the kind of a r range m e n t th at
s ugg e sts P a ige .

I wrote al l abou t th e Opti o n to M r H H Rog e rs ( re . . .

s e rv i ng I / I O o f t he eventu a l stock fo r m y s e l f ) Sund ay

mo rn i n g and mail e d th e l e tt e r to c a tch th e W e dn e sd ay ,

s t ea m e r I a sked M r Rog e rs to com e ov e r and if h e w as

. .

not suffi ciently i m p ress e d h e could cabl e m e the w ord

“ ”
London I w oul d th e n t ry to sel l t he Op t ion the re
. .

I should expect to s ucceed .

Appa ren tly M r Roge rs w as not i mp res sed

.

even aft e r ca reful i nv e stig a tion H e di d not pu t .

any mon ey i nto the c a rp e t des igni ng p a t e nt o r -

pe rm it M a rk Tw a i n to do so The pag e s o f th e .

not e book glo w w ith m a tt e r conc e rni ng th e in

v en t io n i nve ntors and th e l ike for a ti me a n d
, , , ,

th e n th e s e thin g s a re h e a rd o f no more I f t h e re .

w as a fortu ne to be m a d e from th e des igne r i t

escaped h i m bu t more l i kely h e esca ped losi n g
,

on e .

“
T he P ri n c e ss H o henloh e wi s hes yo u to w ri te on her
”
fan
W it h pleasu r e—w he re i s s h e
.

“
.

“
At you r e lbo w ”
.

I tu rned a nd took th e f a n a nd sa id
You r High n e ss s pl a c e is i n a f a i ry t a le ; and by a nd
’

by I m e an to w rit e th a t t a le ”
.

Whe reat s h e l a ugh e d a happ y gi rl is h l a ugh a nd we

, , ,

moved th rough th e cro w d to a w ri ti n g table a nd to g et a

3 59
 MA R K TWA I N
st ron ge r l i g h t so th a t I could s ee he r bette r Be a uti ful
, .

l ittl e cr ea tu r e w i th th e de a rest friendl y ways a nd s i n

,

ce rit y a nd s i mpl ici ty and s w eetn esses —t h e i deal p ri n ces s

, ,

of the f a i ry tales She i s 1 6 o r 1 7 I j ud g e .

,
.

K a lt e nleutgeben May 2 7 9 8 , ,
’
.

We h ave s ome i nsane customs o f cou rs e All c ou nt ri e s , .

h ave insa ne customs The s trang e r notic e s th at the y a r e

i ns a n e—the n a tive does n t ; h e i s us e d to the m h a rden e d
.

’
,

to th em th e y a re matte r s o f cou r s e to hi m I n Vienn a

,
.

wh e n you take a fla t you pay t he ren t twice a yea r i n

ad v ance I n the cou nt ry whe n you t a ke a v ill a you pay
.

“
the whole ye a r i n advance I t m a y bu rn down the fi rst .

“
n ight you s ay wh a t then ? The p rop rietor answe r s
,
”
,
“ ”
I have othe r houses ; you can h ave on e of tho s e .

“
I t w oul d not s uit ; we ex am ined eve ry house i n t he
—
pl ace the re is not a nothe r hou s e that woul d begin t o s u i t ”
.

“ ”
I shoul d do th e best I coul d fo r you .

“
The be s t you coul d do would be a lon g way f ro m
”
sa tis factory .

“
One ca n but do one s best ’
.

You don t s uggest refu ndin g th e money

’
.

”
I t is n ot the custom .

“
When a man comes to th e cu re he kno ws h i s te r m i s ,

s i x weeks and he must be u nd e r the docto r s advice

,
'

al l the ti me Doe s the doctor colle c t the whol e fee i n

.

”
advance ?
“
Oh no ,
.

”
Why not ?
“
Th e m a n
“
Go o n You we r e goi ng to s ay th e m an might di e t h e
.

”
fi r s t day .

“
Ye s .

”
J u s t a s t h e house m i g ht bu r n down .

The Bei n g who to me i s th e real G od i s the On e w ho

3 60
 MAR K TWA IN
compl i ments p rai s e s p raye rs ; i t i s i mposs ibl e th a t h e
, ,

s hould v a l ue th e m i mpos sibl e th at h e s houl d l isten t o

,

them th ese mouth i ngs of m icrob e s He is n ot ignorant

,
.
,

He doe s not mi s take Hi s m y riad great s u ns sw i m min g ,

i n th e mea s u reles s ocea n of s pace for tal lo w c a ndles h un g

i n t he roof to l i g h t th i s forgotten potato wh ich w e c a ll the
E a rth and n a me H i s footstool H e can not see i t e xcept
,
.

unde r Hi s mi c ros cope Th e sh a dow doe s not go back o n

.

—
Hi s d i a l it i s agai nst Hi s l a w ; H i s sun doe s not s tand
s till on G ibeo n to accom mod ate a worm out on a rai d
—
a gai nst othe r worms it is a g a inst H is l a w His real ch a r .

act e r is w ritten i n pl a i n words i n His real B ibl e w hich i s ,

N a tu re a nd he r h isto ry ; w e read i t eve ry day a nd we ,

coul d u nd e rst a nd i t a nd t ru s t i n it i f w e would bu rn th e

S pu rious on e and di g t he r e mai ns o f our i n s ign ifi c ant rea
soning f a culti es o ut o f t he grave wh e re th at and o th e r
m a n m ade B ible s h ave b u ri ed th e m for 2 0 0 0 yea rs an d
-

more .

The B ibl e o f N atu re tell s us no w ord abou t any futu re

l i fe but only about t his p r e s e nt o n e I t doe s n o t p romise
,
.

a futu re l i fe ; i t does not eve n v a guel y i ndicat e o n e I t i s .

not i ntended as a m e ss a ge to us a ny more th a n th e ,

s cientis t i nt e nd s a m e ssage to su rvivin g m icrobes wh e n

h e boils t he l i fe o ut of a b illion o f the m i n a th i mble .

The m icrobes discove r a m es sa g e i n it ; t h i s i s c e rtai n

i f th ey h ave a pulpit .

The Book o f N a tu re tell s us dis ti nctl y t hat God c a re s

n ot a r a p for us—nor for a ny l ivi ng creatu re I t tel l s us .

th at His l a w s i nfl i ct p a i n a nd s uff e ri ng a nd sorrow bu t ,

i t doe s not s ay th a t th i s i s done i n orde r that He m ay get

ple as u re out o f th i s m ise ry We do not know what th e
.

obje c t i s for the Book is not abl e to tel l u s I t may be

, .

me r e i ndi ff e rence Without a doubt H e had a n obje ct but

.
,

w e have no way o f di s coveri ng w hat i t w a s The s cienti s t .

h a s an obj ect bu t i t i s n ot th e j oy o f in fl i cti ng pai n U pon

,

the mi c robe .

3 62
 N OT E B O O K
Th e L aw of t he D istribution o f Com fo rt an d P a i n
s ho w s a n e nti re a bs e nce o f senti ment a l j ustice Th e p o . r

porti on o f p u n is h m e nts t o the s ize o f th e i n fr a ction s h a s

b ee n i g nor e d ; this ag a i n s ho w s t h e absence of a nyth ing
rep re s enting s e nti ment a l j ustice I knew a n u nspe a k a bl e.

vill a i n w ho w as born rich re m a i n e d rich w a s n e ve r il l a

, ,

d a y n e v e r h a d a bon e b roken l ed a j oyous l i f e till 80

, , ,

th e n di e d a p a i nless de a t h by a popl e xy I kne w a m a n .

w h o w h e n i n h is second ye a r i n colleg e j u mp e d i nto a n

ic e col d st re a m w h e n h e wa s ov e rh ea t e d a nd r e scued a
-

p ri e st of God from d ro w ni ng ; s uffe r e d p a rti a l p a r a l y s is ,

l ay i n h is b e d 3 8 ye a rs u n a ble to S p ea k u n a bl e t o f e ed
, ,

h i ms e l f u n a ble to writ e ; not e v e n th e s m a l l ch a rity o f

,

q u e nch i ng h is m i nd wa s doled o ut t o hi m— h e l a y and

though t a nd b rood e d and mou rned a nd b e gg e d for d ea th
3 8 y e a r s The re a re no l aw s found e d Upon s e nti m e nt a l
.

j ustic e ; th e l a w s a re al l h a rd and fast I f i t so happe n .

th a t yo u a re j u st i n t h e right condition to b ring o n 3 8

y ea rs o f p aralys is by a sudden col d b a th th at i s wh a t ,

th e b ath will p roduce no allowa nce w ill be m a de eve n

-

i f you tak e th e b at h to s a ve t h e Vi rgi n Ma ry .

Ju ne I I 9 8 Cl a ra s b i rthd a y th r ee d a ys ago Not a

,
’
.
’
.

r e fe r e nce to i t h a s b ee n m ade by a ny m e mb e r o f t he
f a mily i n my h e a ring ; n o p r e s e nts no congr a tul a tions , ,

no c e l e b r a tions U p to a yea r a nd t e n months a go all our

.

bi rthd ay s from th e b e gi nn ing o f t h e f a mil y l i fe we re an

n ua lly cel e b rated w i th lovi ng p r e p a r a tions follo we d by

a j oy ous a nd j ovi a l outpou ri ng o f th a nksgivi ngs Th e .

bi rthd ay s we re m il e ston e s o n the m a rch o f h a ppi n e ss .

Th e n Susy died Al l ann iv e rs a ries o f w h a te v e r sort pe r

.

is h ed with he r As w e p a ss the m n ow they a re only gr a ve

.

ston e s We ca nnot k ee p from s e ei ng th e m as we go by

.

but w e c a n ke e p s il ent about th e m a nd look t h e oth e r w ay

a nd pu t th em out o f memo ry as th ey s i nk out of s i g ht
be hi n d us .

6
3 3
 MAR K TWA IN

The L os t S w eet heart

I wa s 2 2 w hen I met he r and sh e 1 6 I t wa s i n a d ream . .

Go o n w i th t he s to ry Meeti n g s extend e d over yea rs

. .

B oth a r e as you ng a s eve r al w ays F i r s t t i me s h e j u mp s

,
.

a cross a b rook ahead a nd whe n I a m about to fol lo w a

,

s t ea mbo a t ru sh e s along an d when i t g ets by sh e h as

van is h e d a nd th e b rook is a m il e wide Pu t i n s uch th ings . .

“ ”
A ug 4 9 8 F i nis hed My Pl ato ni c Sweethea rt a day
’
. .
,

o r so a g o .

This w as the sto ry ou tl i ned as th e Los t S w eet

h e a rt—a lo ve l y d r ea m f a ncy publ ished i n Ha r ,

pe r s M a g a zi n e t w o y ea rs a fte r h is death and n ow

’
,

i ncl uded in h is coll ected works .

Aug 7 , . I th ink a f e w mona rch s h ave died he re

’
9 8 .

and the re du ri ng the p a st yea r I do not reme mbe r I t , .

m a de a g reat s ilence B ism a rck ha s been dead five o r

.

s ix da y s no w but th e reverb erat in gs from th at mi g hty

,

f a l l s till g o q uakin g a nd thu nde ri n g a rou nd t he planet .

I f a king s houl d j u m p overboa rd from a s h ip a n d s ave a

l i fe i t w ould l a st i n h istory ten thou s and yea rs A s ailo r
, .

w ho shoul d j um p ove r a nd s ave a h a m would ri s k h i s

l i fe be j u s t a s h e roi c a nd wo ul d be moved by th e s a me
,

impul s e .

For ma n to ri sk h i s l i fe ( a n d l os e i t ) for t h e s ake of a

friend a ch ild a battal ion a ki ng a cou n t ry i s no l a rg e
, , , , ,

m a tte r it h as been done a bil l ion t i mes i t i s done eve ry

, ,

d ay by fi rem e n and by s old ie rs at $ 8 a month

For a God to take th ree day s on a Cro ss o ut of a l i fe of
ete rnal happi ne ss and ma s te rs hi p o f t he u nive r s e i s a
s e rvi c e wh i c h the l ea s t a mong us would be g l ad to do
u po n the l ike te rm s The world s populatio n is
.
’

0 0 0 ; i f the offe r wa s m ade t he r e w o uld be x 5oo ooo ooo , , ,

364
 MA R K TWA I N
wal k, an d a doubl e ra n k a c ros s th e s qu a r e in f ront o f
t h e Kr a nz .Done in th ree mi nutes .

S a nding th e str eet i n front o f the pl ain l i tt l e wh ite

vill age ch u rch of t h e Capuchi n s—white pl as te r ed it s o n ly ,

o rn a m e nt a s tatue o f a monk in a ni c he .

Office rs o f al l b re e ds d ri fti n g abou t on bu s ine ss and

s om e i n bl a ck cl oaks and c a p s wi th a s i ngl e fea the r ( long )
sticking up othe rwi se gorgeou s I n oth e r c a s es wi th much
,
.

gold a nd a pa i nt b ru s h pl u me s ome l ike a t al l d e l icate

-
,

puff o f s t e a m Long bl ack cloak s s ilve r cro ss on the m

.
, .

Wagon s a r ri vi ng with fl owe r w r ea th s M any pi ct u r es que .

H u nga ria n costu me s .

Th ree A rchdukes below on bal co ny N o nois e of hoofs . .

All traffi c s hu t o ff at t w o .

V a s t wi ndow s o f a corne r s tore wi th peo pl e in m a s se s

,

beh i nd th em b a lconi e s ove rfl owi n g P eopl e i n wi n dows

,
.

di m l ike fol k u nde r wate r .

All t h e m il ita ry movements beau ti fully do n e

Kn ights o f Malt a be a uti ful red u n i form—a b road
—
wh i te cro s s cov e ri ng b re a s t a nd a g u s h o f white pl umes .

H e re one see s the Gold e n Fleece 1 43 1 No end of coach

,
.

men a nd footme n i n black coc ked hats a nd mou rn in g .

At a lon g bl a c k wagon wi th six m ou r n ing s e rv ant s

—s ometh i n g taken ou t an d ca r ried i n— wi s h I k n ew wh a t
It w a s .

On th i s s ide of the m iddl e o f the s qu a re I see none b ut

a grea t c ro w d o f u ni forms —no civili a n s onl y o ffi ce rs ,
.

Th i s s pace i s fenced o ff by oblong doubl e fence o f s oldie r s .

Smal l p roc e s s ion of ba re headed m o nk s t he -

,

h ead one w i th a w h it e s h i rt and a c ros s .

Not many s moki ng today .

Di s pl ay of mou rni n g not g reat Ladie s gene ral ly i n .

bl a c k
.

Ca rriage s pa ss i ng i n a conti nuou s stream .

A Ca rd inal i n pu rpl e with two attendan ts a rrive s and

e n te r s .

366
 NOT E B OO K
D re s s the s e peopl e di ffe r e ntl y ( Ch u rch a l l right ) a nd
it is a fun e r a l i n H a nn ib a l fi ft y yea rs a go For ev i d e ntl y
,
.

a l l these gorg e ous fol k kno w ea c h oth e r from b a byhood

gre e t ki ndl y a nd cordi a lly
,
.

I t i s a fi ne p ictu re no w—a sol id m a s s o f bl u e a nd

g r e en and gol d w ith th a t s plotch of stu nning red a nd
w h it e a nd gold i n front o f ch u rch .

1 60 0 yea rs a go th e E mp e ro r M a rcu s Au r e l i us di e d

h e re—it wa s a Rom a n C a m p th e n and the cou nt ry h a d ,

b ee n u nd e r the Rom a n D omi nion s ome t h ing ove r 40 0 ,

possibl y 60 0 y ea rs ,
.

A n i nt e rv a l Th e cro w d wa iti ng
Pause—wa itin g
. .

( I s uppose th a t n o o n e p a st 4 5 att a ch e s hi g h v a l ue to
h is l i f e bu t would not l ik e to h a ve i t tak e n i n a h or ri bl e
,

way ).

Ess e nti a lly nobil ities a re fool ish nesses b ut i f I w e r e

, ,

a citiz e n w he re th e y p rev a il I w ould do my best to g e t

a ti tl e fo r th e cons ide ration i t fu rnish e s —th at is w h a t we
,

w e h a ve —
want I n R e p ubl ic s w e strive fo r i t wi t h th e s u rest m ea ns
money
Th e p roce s s ion i s comi n g—caval ry fou r ab reast
.

, ,

to sp read th e cro w d apa rt—2 5 m e n .

—
G r ea t body o f Lance r s bl ue and g il t hel mets Ha rdly , .

a sou nd o f hoofs .

Th r e e 6 horse mou rn i n g coaches Ou tride r s and coach

-
.

me n i n cocked h a ts a nd wh ite wi gs Tr0 0 p s i n red g old .

a nd w h ite—S plendid
,

—
.

Th e hea rs e e ight bl ack horse s pl u med— al l u ncover ,

.

The mil it a ry s al ute D ru m s Hu n g a ri a n b odygua r d wi th

. .

l e 0 pard s kins .

Candle s .

Th e lit t le co ffi n b o rn e i n .

That scal a w a g caused it .

The cro w d h a s s u rg ed tog eth e r Sol id Splendid m a s s . .

o f c olor .

6
3 7
 MAR K TWA I N
Ma ri a Th e re s a a nd D uke o f R einch st adt l ie in th a t
l i ttl e chu rch vaul t a nd othe rs of the fam ily
-
, .

Coming o ut o f t h e chu rch .

Who i s the p ri nci p a l ? The gu ilty on e ? This man ? No

Mil it a ris m w h ich bu rden s and i m pove rishes and m ad
,

dens Roy a lty i s itsel f the E mp ress mu rde re r before

.
’

th e fact .

“
He al w ay s i ntended to kill a queen .

“
Th e y h ave s ho w n h i m h i s photogr a ph : H e nceforth I
s hall be celeb rat e d ”
.

I m prisoned fo r l i fe I t is se v e re r th a n d e ath
. .

C e l e brity w as w h a t he wanted a t a ny co s t ,
.

Eve ryw he re a re people g l a d to be abl e to s ay they

—
k n ew h i m v a i n o f i t I f you and I had kno w n h i m w e
.

s hould tell a bout it — and at bottom th is would be v a ni ty .

The gypsy w h o told he r a t 1 3 s h e woul d a sc end a

th rone s u ff e r h a rd blo ws and die a violent dea t h
, .

E mp e ror Will ia m l ay s i t on the Lord but i t w as M il i ,

“
t a ris m Will i a m s say s so ord a i ned from Above I t i s no
”
. .

compl i ment to G od The rem a rk ac q u its the p risone r No

. .

di ffe r e nt me a n i ng ca n be giv e n i t I t w as alwa ys a fool

rema rk—for i f G od does a th ing H is agen t i s guiltl ess
.

and by no logi c can he be m a de respon s ible .

B ut w e a re al l in s ane a nyway ,
.

N ote the mou nt a i n cl i mb e rs -

.

The s u icide s eem s to me th e o n ly s ane pe rson .

“ ”
I f i t is a cri me ordai ni ng it from On H igh leave: it
,

a cri me I t i s God s c rime The agent i s seconda ry Whe n

.
’
. .

people l ay i t on God they should forebea r to call i t a

cri m e But Will i a m cal l s i t a deed u npa ralleled for r u t h
.

l ess ne ss Quee r !
”
.

F rom the m a te ri a l c ollect e d th a t day h e made

a n a rticle on the a ss as s i n a tion of the E mp re ss,
now i ncl ud e d i n h is c olle cted wo rks .

Sept . 21 . Mental Tele g r a phy .

368
 MARK TWA IN
‘

o f ou r conve rsa ti on The sto ry w as publ i s h ed

.

s e ri al ly in Ha rpe r s M a gazine a n d l ate r i n book

’
,
“
form I t ha s bee n cal l ed his l ite ra ry high wate r
.
-

”
m a rk .

Ma rch 1 4 99 Received l ette r from M r Ro ge rs Las t

,
’
. . .

s al e ( of s to c ks ) b rough t $ 3 5 86 Total i n h is h ands $ 5 1 99 5

B rooklyn G as i s up to $ 1 5 5—c os t us $ 7 5
. .

M a rch 2 3 99 B ud a pest Speech at J ub ilee of E man ei

,
’
. .

p a t i on o f t h e H u n g a ri a n P r e ss B an que
. t .

37°
 C H A P T ER X X X I I

En g lan d A g a in

Th e Cl e m e ns f a mil y s p e nt some months i n

S we d e n ( su m m e r o f the n locat e d i n Lon
d o n ( 30 W e ll i ngton Cou rt — l a te r a t D oll is Hill )
for th e r e m a i nd e r o f thei r E u rop ea n sojou rn .

TR U E lov e i s the onl y h ea rt dis ea s e th a t is b e st l e ft to

run o n
”
— Th e onl y a ff e ction o f th e h ea rt fo r w h ich
.

t h e r e i s no h e lp a nd non e d e si r e d
,
.

H a p p i n e ss is a S we dis h s u ns e t— it is th e r e for all, b ut

mos t of u s look th e oth e r wa y and l os e it .

P ort i o n : of a Speec h d eli vered at t he

S avage C lub, L ond on
Fel lo w S ava g e s : It is 2 7 y ea rs si nce I w as h e re b e fore .

Som e o f you h a v e gro w n gray s i nce th e n othe rs b al d ,

. ix —
h ea d e d I wa s s f ee t fou r th e n n ow five fe e t 8 % an d
daily di mi n ish ing i n a ltitud e Also i n p ri ncipl e s —th e
.

sh ri nk a g e s ti l l go e s o n I h a ve n ot p rofe ss ion ally d ea l t i n

.

t ruth M a ny w h e n th ey com e to die h ave S p e n t a l l th e

.

t ru th th a t w a s i n th e m a n d e nt e r the ne x t worl d a s
,

p a u p e rs I
. h a ve s a ved up e nough t o m a ke a n astonish
m e nt t h e re .

I recognize ch a ng e s I rvi ng w as he re t h e n — i s he re now

.

m ay be long a bid e H y d e P a rk wa s onl y h a l f a s l a rg e

.

a s it is n ow The s hill ing wa s onl y h al f a s big as it is bu t

.
,

y ou could bu y t w ic e a s m uch w ith i t Si nc e th e n you h a ve

.

borrowed o ur telephone phonogr a ph a nd som e oth e r

, ,

37 I
 M AR K TWA I N
n e ce ss a ri e s of l i fe and we h ave bo r ro wed you r pe rfecti ng
p r e s s Sta nl ey i s he re and Dougl a s Strai g ht ; but Ch a rles
.
,

R ea de i s gone a nd Tom Hood and Ha r ry Lee a nd Canon ,

Ki n gs l ey St a nl ey w as only th e c reator o f Africa then th e

.

com rade of ki ngs th e admi rati on o f the world—no w he i s

,

G C B I n those d a y s you coul d h ave ca rried Ki pl in g

. . .

a rou nd i n hi s l u nch basket—now he fill s th e world

-
.

—
I w a s you ng a nd fool i s h th e n n ow I a m old and
fool i she r My h ai r wa s a s the l u ri d cri mson o f the s u n
.

no w it h a s p al ed to th e cold g ray o f t h e dawn .

The s e a re me r e l y not es th at he made for a

s peech he was to d el ive r a nd d id del ive r a day o r ,

two l a te r !

G reet i n g to 1 90 0
Th e 2 0 t h Ce ntu ry i s a strange r to m e I wi s h i t we ll b -

b ut my hea rt i s all for m y o w n centu ry I took 65 yea rs .

o f it j u s t on a risk b ut i f I h a d known as much about it

, ,

as I know now I w oul d h ave t a ken the whole of it .

The re a re no wil d a ni m al s til l m an make s t h em so .

To the p u re all th ing s a re i mp u re .

Rel ief of Mafeki ng The ne ws ca me at 9 : 1 7 P

. Before . M .

ten all London wa s i n the streets g one mad with j oy By .

then th e new s wa s all ove r the A me ri can con t i nen t .

Speech at L o t or
Th ank my 95 credito rs only one of whom was a S hy
loc k .

I rvi ng U nde rhil l wants to pay me $ 50 0 — o win g s even

yea rs Can not all ow i t H e ha s h ad a ha r d ti m e

. . .

37 2
 CHA PTE R XXXI I I

B ac k i n A m e ri ca

007 . Su nda y noon About 50 0 m ile s to m ake

1 4, 1 90 0 , . .

A S pacious S hi p a nd mos t comfort a ble Rides the se as .

l evel ha rdly a ny moti on no seas ickn es s aboard No table

, , .

racks .

Th e M a rk Twai n pa rty h ad left Doll i s H i ll

early i n Octobe r s a ili ng o n th e 6t h fo r Am e rica
M
, ,

by th e ste a m e r i n ne ha h a a rrivi ng Octobe r ,

1 5 a ft e r a forei g n res idence of more th a n n ine

,

ye a rs .

LLH h as g radu ally six b as ta rds p ut u po n h i m by t h e

.

c o u rt s some o n no good evidence but h is leche rou s ch a r

,

a cte r Then dies a nd tu rns o ut to be a w oman

. .

A p ril 1 7 I n N Y i n 1 89 5 when I w a s 60 Chei ro the

. . .
,

p a l mist told m e th a t I S houl d b e come v e ry w ealthy i n m y

681 h y ea r I wa s a b a nk ru pt a nd he a vil y i n debt at the
.

t i me a nd I p rope rly th anked hi m He s a id it a gai n i n Lo n .

don t w o yea rs a ft e rw a rd a nd I p rope rly th a nked h i m

,

agai n Sh a ll I b e a bl e to com plete my than ks next y ea r ?

.

I f not c a n I su e h i m for b rea c h o f p romise ?

N ame the g reates t of al l th e i nventor s : A c ciden t .

Sto ry o f t h e co wa rd who did one stu pendou s ly b r ave

deed —and then had t o go o n all hi s l i fe i n l ike manne r to
“
li ve up t o his rep ut at ior Hi s m on u ment To th e b r aves t
.

374
 N OT E B O O K
oft he b rave mov e s h is old fri e nds t o r e v ea l h is s ec re t to
me a st rang e r
,
.

H e coul d n o t resist from i nv e sting i n doubtful

e nt e rp ris e s The next e nt r y su p ports th is
. .

J a n 9 1 90 2 2 0 0 sh a r e s stock i n th e Booklo ve rs Lib ra ry

—h a l f to J ea n a nd h a l f to Cl a r a — Wil l a r ri ve p r e sently
. .
,

. .

W e dn e sd a y J une 4 . Col umbi a ,

M o . U n iv e rsity de
gree LL D . .

H e m a d e th e t ri p to H a n nib a l a nd to Col u mbi a ,

fo r th e d e gr ee but th is is h is onl y not e o f it F o r a

, .

full e r a ccou nt s ee M a rk T wa i n— a B iogr a ph y

“ ”
,

Ch a pte r CCXXI .

Thu rsd a y Aug 2 D i n e d a t th e d eEst e Vill a York H a r

. .
,

bo r M a i ne gu e st o f Joh n C a d wa l a d e r o f Ph il a d e l p hi a
, , .

An i ncid e nt r e l a t e d .

Ch i e f Ju stice Joh n M a rsh a l l di e d i n Ph il a i n 1 83 5 a g e d .

,

80 Me e ti n g o f B a r a sked fo r o n e doll a r from e a ch l awye r

.

i n A m e ric a for a monu ment Doll a rs c a m e i n f a s t a t fi rst

,
.
,

th e n i nte r e st p e ris h e d with $ 90 0 coll e ct e d The t rust ee ,

.

i nvest e d i t i n s a fe s e cu riti e s ; r e i n ve sti ng w h e n th ey f e l l

i n ; a l way s i nv e sting th e l ittl e d a bs o f i nt e r e s t H e di e d i n .

1 8 80 a nd M r C a d wa l a d e r w as executor o f th e old l aw
,
.

ye r s w il l A mong a c a r e full y k e pt m a ss o f a nci e nt p a p e rs

’
.

he found eve ryth ing conn e ct e d w it h th e m a tt e r ( no w long

ago forgott e n ) H e wa s abl e to pu t h is h a n d a t onc e u pon
.

e v e ry doll a r Th e $ 90 0 h a d gro w n to $ 45ooo

. .

No o n e kn e w o f th is s e cr e t At th e n e x t i m port a nt m e et .

i ng of the B a r M r C rose to rev ea l i t but M r D a ugh e rty

. .
,
.

rose a t th e s a me ti me I n d e f e r e nce to his gr ea t f a m e a nd

M
.

ch a r a cte r M r C y i e ld e d th e floo r D s a id—

. .
“
r Ch a i r . . .

m a n th e re i s n o monu m e nt to the gre a t e st l e ga l l i ght e tc

, ,
.
,

w h il e th e r e a re monu m e nts to i ncons eq u e nti a l m e n B e fore .

a nothe r w ord i s utt e red her e w e m u st re move th i s s tai n .

37 5
 MA R K TWA I N
Th e B a r of A m e ri c a must at once rai s e m on ey etc , .
”

( App la us e )
Th e n M r C got u p a nd told h is be a uti ful s ec ret
. . .

Aug . 1 1 . Th e Qu ee n o f Rou m a ni a s fri e nd

’
w as he re .

Tues day Aug 1 2 1 90 2 At 7 A L ivy take n vio.

,
. . M .

len t ly ill Telephoned a nd D r L a mb e rt w as he re i n h a l f

—
. .
,

an hou r She could not b re a th w as l ikely to s ti fle Al so

. .

s h e h a d s ev e re p al pitation She bel ieved s h e w as dyi ng I . .

a l so bel ieved it .

August 2 5 Livy s ill nes s h angs on a nd on from day to ’

d a y and the re i s n e v e r any great i mp rovemen t—n eve r

.

a nyth ing to rouse us and m ake us j ub ilan t .

W e dn e sd ay Se pt 3 Alway s M r Roge rs keep s h i s y a cht

,
. . .

( K a n aw h a ) i n com miss ion and ready to fl y he re and t a ke

us to Rive rd a le o n t e legraph ic notice .

Tues d ay Sept 9 L ivy ge tti n g alon g p rett y well though

. .
,

i t is a cas e of up an d down a nd down and up no ce rta in ty , ,

about i t .

C a d w al ade r P r e cepts and p ri nci pl e s fo r a N ew R e

.

ligio n : Havi ng for its b a s e God a nd Ma n a s t hey a r e and ,

n o t a s th e e l a bor a t e l y m ask e d a nd di s gu ised a rt ifi c ialit i es

the y a re rep res e nt e d to be i n most p h il os oph ie s a nd i n

all r e l igions .

Co rrected o rigi n a l m s of Heaven and H ell and m ailed .

“
i t Jean is t y pi ng Th e Bel ated Ru s s ia n Pass po rt
.
”
.

“
Sept . Tele g ra m f rom D un eka : Than k you
1 8, 1 90 2 .
l

ve ry much for Heav e n or Hell I t i s great H a v e you s e nt . .

F red ri c k A D uneka gene ral m an ag er o f H arpe B ro t he rs

‘
e r ,
.
,

New Y ork Ci ty .

376
 M A R K TWA I N
worth y a m os t thorough fool and a l i a r by i n sti n ct a n d
, ,

t rai n in g I di s ch a rg ed he r Oct
. .

Yeste rday went to B os ton wi th Howell s and c omple t ed , ,

rail road a rran g e men ts a s follo w s ,

I nval id ca r from York Ha rbo r to Ri ve rdale wi thou t

ch a nge Ti me . A ( York ) P G rand Ce n M . M .

t r a l ; about 6 Ri ve rdale , .

Oct 1 6 Yest e rday w e left York i n a speci a l i nval i d ca r

. .

at a nd c a me th rough to Rive rd a le w ithout d e l ay o r

ch a ng e i n 9 72 hou rs Speci al locomotive at bo t h e nds . .

Nov 2 5 J ul ie s weddin g
. .
’
.

Thi s w a s th e m a rriage of J ul i a Langdon M r s ,

.

Cl e m e ns n i e ce to Ed w a rd E Loomis tod a y
’
,
.
,

( 1 9 3 1 ) p res ident o f t he Lehi g h Valley Rail road .

Nov . 27b i rthd a y

. Livy s
’
.

Dec 2 3 1 90 2 J e an w as h it with a ch ill Cl a r a w as com

.
,
. .

l i n g h e r w atch i n he r mothe r s room a nd th e re w as no

’
p e t
o n e a bl e to forc e J ea n to go to b e d As a r es ul t sh e i s .

p retty i ll tod ay Feve r a nd high tempe ratu re

. .

Dec . I t w as p neu mon i a For fi ve da ys Je a n s tem

28 . .
’

rat ure rang e d bet w ee n 1 0 3 V and 1 0 4 / 5 w he n i t g ot

2
p e ; ,

do w n t o 1 0 1 She look s l ike a n es caped s u rvivor i n a fore s t

.

fi re.

Su nday eveni n g Fo r S ix days no w my sto ry i n the .

“
Ch ri st m a s H a rpe r ( Wa s i t H e ave n o r Hel l ) ha s b e en
”

e n a ct e d i n thi s hous e : eve ry day Cl a ra a nd t he n u rses

h a v e l ied a bout J e a n to he r mothe r—d e scribi ng the fine
ti me s he i s h avi n g out o f d oo r s i n the wi nte r s po rts .

It i s not ea s y t o pi c tu r e t h a t affl i c ted hou s e

hold o r t h e stat e o f M a rk T w ai n s m i nd d u ri n g
,
’

thi s pe riod Forbidden by doc tor a nd n u rse to

.

s ee M r s Cleme ns h e wa s l ike a s oul i n p u rg a

.
,

3 7 8
 NOTE B OO K
to ry He ofte n sat ou ts ide h e r doo r o r push e d
.

l ittle not e s u nd e r it .

D e c 30
. . P M S aw Li vy fiv e mi nut e s b y th e
. .

—
watc h Th e fi rst ti me i n mor e th a n th r ee months A .

S pl e ndid fi ve m i nut e s .

J ea n p a s s e d w h a t th e nu rse c a ll e d a spl e ndid nigh t a nd

is doing we l l Th e doctor st a y e d a l l night
. .

On e o f th e p roofs o f th e i mmo rt a l it y o f th e soul i s th a t

my ri a ds h a v e b e l i e v e d it They a lso b e l i e v e d th e w orld
.

was fl a t .

The gods off e r no re wa rd s for i ntellect Th e re w as .

nev e r o n e ye t th a t sho we d a ny i nt e r e st i n it Wh ich is .

S i ngul a r fo r th ey th e ms e lv e s ha ve pos s e ss e d it some o f

, ,

th e m i n a cons id e r a bl e d e gr ee ; n ot t r a nsc e ndi ng the

h u ma n l im it i n a ny i nstanc e but q u ite oft e n re a chi ng it
,
.

Wh a t is t h e diff e r e nce b e t wee n a t a xid e rmist and a tax

collector ? The t a x id e rmist t a k e s only you r S ki n .

To cre a te m a n w as a fi ne a nd origi n a l i d e a ; b ut t o add

the sheep w as tautology .

Non e o f us c a n b e as g re a t as God but a ny

,
of us ca n
be as good .

All gods a r e b e tt e r th a n thei r condu ct .

O n l y h e w ho h as s ee n b e tt e r d a ys and l iv e s to s ee bett e r
d a y s a g a i n kno w s thei r ful l v a l u e .

Ci rcu mst a nces m a ke m an not ma n ci rcu m s tanc e s

, .

Y ou must not p a y a pe rson a compli ment and th e n

s t r ai g htw ay follow it wi th a c ri tici s m .

3 79
 MA R K TWA IN
Do not off e r a com pl i ment a nd ask a favo r at th e s ame
ti m e A comp l i m e nt th a t is ch a rged for is not v a l uable
. .

The m a n w ho is a pess i mist be for e 4 8 kno w s too much ;

i f h e i s a n opti mis t aft e r it h e kno w s t oo l ittle , .

On t he w hol e i t i s bette r to d e se rv e honors a nd no t h ave

th e m than to h ave th e m and not de s e rv e them .

Th e h u m a n race co n s i s ts of the dan g e rousl y i nsane and

s uch a s a re no t .

The ti me to begi n w ritin g a n a rticl e i s w hen you h ave

fi n ished it to y ou r s atis fa ction B y th at ti me y ou begi n to .

cle a rl y and logic a lly p e rc e iv e wh at i t i s th at you r e ally

want to s ay .

C heiro r proph ecy fulfilled

’

End of 1 9 0 2

My c a s h i ncome from my boo k s for 1 90 2 was

( both publi sh e rs ) C a sh from all sou
. rces s omethin g ove r

J a n 1 1 90 3 Saw Livy agai n Am to see he r five m i n

.
,
. .

utes eve ry day if S h e c on ti nu es to i mp rove .

Feb . 2, 1 90 weddi n g an nive rsa ry I wa s al l o wed

3 3 3d
. .

to see Li v y five m i nutes th is morni n g i n honor of the d ay .

She make s but l ittl e p rog re s s towa rd rec ove ry ; s ti ll t h e re

i s c e rta i nl y s o m e—w e a re su re .

The ti me i n St Lo u i s i n 5 3 a g e 1 7 V; that I t oo k t he
.
,
’
,

s hy p retty g i rl from up c ou nt ry to Ben de Ba r s thea t e r ’

,

a nd had on ne w 6 s w hen my n u mbe r wa s 7 and s l i pped

’
,

th e m off a nd couldn t g e t th e m o n a g ain an d walked

’
,

3 80
 MAR K TWA IN
Wh e n eve r a copyright l a w i s to be made or alte red t h e n ,

t h e idiots a ss e mble .

W e dn e sd ay J ul y 1 o 3 The y ach t s a iled w ith u s at

’

M
.

A [from Ri ve rd a le ] r ea ch e d h D L 8 W pi e r
M M
9 t e 1
— r a nd rs Rog e rs we re on bo a rd R e fr e s hi ng s a il bu t
. . . . .

. .
,
.

r a il ro a d j ou rn e y s uffoc a ti ng a nd aw ful W e got to the fa rm

M
.

( El mi r a ) a bout 6 P Cool a nd pleas

. a nt he re .

Jul y 2 . Livy w eak a nd exh austed from th e jou rney Mel .

a n c h o ly a nd homes ick .

S a tu rd ay Oct 3 Monday w e leav e for N Y Oct 2 4

.
'

. . .

we s a il for I t a l y Tod ay I pl a ced flo we rs on Sus y s grave ’

—
.

“
for the la st ti me p rob a bl y ; and read the words
,
G ood
Ni g ht Dea r Hea rt G ood Ni g h t
,
”
,
.

3 82
 CHA PT E R XXX I V

I t aly A g ain

OC T . S ailed i n the P ri nce ss I re n e for Ge n oa

24, 1 90 3 .

at 1 1 Flo w e rs and fruits from M rs Rog e rs a nd M r s

. . .

Coe We h a v e w ith us Katy Le a ry i n o ur dom e stic service

.

2 2 yea rs a nd Mi s s Ma r g a ret She rry ( tr a i ned n u rs e ) .

M Clem e ns h ad h appy memories o f Flor

rs .

ence a nd b e l ieved i f S he coul d be th ere ag a i n he r

,

h ea lt h w ould i mp rov e E lev e n yea rs befor e th e y .

h a d s p e n t a w i nt e r a t the b ea uti ful Vi ll a Vivi a ni ,

a nd h e r h usb a nd h a d w ritt e n th e r e a l a rg e p o r
tion o f h is Jo a n o f A rc he r f a vorite of h i s
”
,

works .

S u nday Oct 2 5 Heavy storm al l n i g ht O n l y two st e w

. . .

a rd es ses Ou rs s e rv e d S i x ty m ea ls i n rooms th is mornin g

.
, .

Tuesday Oct 2 7 L ivy i s e ndu ri ng th e voy a ge m a r

. .

v elo usly w ell A s w e l l as Cl a r a and Je a n I th i nk a nd fa r

.
, ,

bett e r th an th e tr a in e d n u rse .

3 P . MSh e h as be e n
. o ut o n deck a n hou r .

Oct 2 8 Youth i n s mokin g ch a pel tal king nu r s e ry Ge r

. .
-

m an i n loud voice to b e h e a rd a nd en v ied of m e n —Th e

,
.

o ld fa mil i a r S i mpl e w ords o f t he textbook voc a bul a ry ,

utte r e d w ith p a in ful disti nctn e ss Yet th e r e a r e those w ho .

say th e r e is no hell .

—
Th u rsd a y Oct 9 Tw o men a gi a nt a nd a She tl and
2

pony—al s o a g i ra ff e six feet fou r t r amped th e de c k aft e r

. .

, ,

8
3 3
 MARK TWA I N
m idnigh t tal ki n g loudly On th e port s ide fou r s a t u n de r
,
.

M rs Mill e r s op e n po rt a nd told u ncle a n an e cdot e s i n t h e

.
’

n a tion a l y ell s w ore l a ughed l ike demons a nd s an g The

, , , .

C a pt a in is goi ng to p revent the s e freedom s a fte r

h e re a fte r .

Oct 30 Th e re S houl d be no fi rst come take c hoice i n

. .
, ,

loc a tion o f S t ea m e r chai rs The chai r S p a ce outs id e o f a .

S t a t e room S hould b e the p rop e rt y o f th e occu pant People .

un d e r o ur po rt ch a tte r t il l 1 1 —if th es e we re o ur c h ai rs we
could h ave tranqu ill ity for we reti re at ,

I n 1 894 H a rpe rs Mon t hly p aid me only $ 75 a pa g e fo r

J oa n of A r c .

Passed the Az or e s at 8 .

Monday D ue at Gibral ta r ten da y s from N Y t h r ee

. . .
,

d ays to Naples th e n o n e d a y to Geno a ,

.

At s uppe r the b a nd pl ay ed Cav a l le ri a Ru stic a n a ( th e

I nte rm ezzo ) wh ich is for e v e r associ at e d i n my m i nd wi th
Susy I love i t b e tte r th a n any othe r bu t i t b reaks my
.
,

h ea rt
M M
.

A rrived at G ib ral t a r 7 A L e ft at 2 P A pes t o f . . . .

fl ie s Thought th ey did n ot h av e th e m i n E u rope

. .

Saw a t Gib ral ta r Mich a el B en un es o ur guide o f 36 ,

yea r s ago —s till the most distingu ished looki ng m a n in -

t hat to w n H e took J a ckson D a n Jack M is s Newell a nd

m e i nto Spai n—al l d e ad now but m e I bel ieve
.
, , , ,

.
, ,

NE VE R take a p romen a de d e ck room ag a i n at any -

,

p ri ce : a madhouse i s p r e f e r a ble G e t t he C a pt a i n s a pa rt .
’

m e nt or g o do w n c e ll a r a nd NEVE R t ravel i n a n e m i ,

grant s hi p .

D ec 7 0 3 V i ll a Qu a rt o Flor e nce Miss M a rga ret

.
’
.
, .

Sh e r ry Livy e t r ai ned n u rs e for the pa s t t we l ve m onth s

,
’

8
3 4
 M A R K TWA I N
“
Cabl e g ram Moll y di ed tod a y She s u rvi ved O rion S ix .

yea rs a nd w as about 7 8 yea rs o ld

,
.

Feb 1 6 Cu rious d re a m l a st n i g ht th a t ou r forme r c oo k

. .

“
b ec a me fri ght e ned a nd s a id The Cou nte ss h a s bitten th e
”
m u rde rou s donkey and it i s dead ,
.

Feb 2 2 At mi dnigh t L ivy s pul se we nt to 1 9 2 and

. .
’

th ere w a s a col l a pse G reat al a rm Subcutaneou s i nj ec ti on

. .

o f b r a ndy s av ed he r

Ap ril 9 Sund ay Abou t ten tonight a w ful attack—fo r

.

. .

more t h a n a n hou r Livy st ruggl e d for b rea t h Cla ra wa s

. .

i n th e re J e a n a nd I l isten e d at the doo r

. .

Ap ril 2 7 The G e l l i po rt rait for the St Lou i s Fai r fi n

. .

ish ed I t ha s n t a d e fect
’
. .

Li vy l ikes th e port r a it I t s p e nt the day i n he r room I t

. .

i s m ine for s itti ng for i t th e r e fore i t is h e r s She requ i res

, .

t h a t i t be b rough t b a ck here from St Lou is I t will be a s . .

s h e d e s i res .

May V i ll a h u n ti ng these many many day s We

29 .
-
, .

ca n t s t a y i n th i s neighborhood
’
.

E n g l is h a nd A m e rican s a re forei gn ers but i n a l e s se r ,

degree th a n i s the c a s e w ith othe r peo pl es Men and

—
.

w ome n even m a n and w i fe a r e for e igne rs Each h as re .

se rv es that th e othe r can not e nte r i nto nor u nde rstand , .

Thes e h ave th e effect o f frontie r s .

Fathe r St iatlesi h as s uppr ess ed h is fancy c ock s a nd

hen s b ec au s e they di s tu rb M r s Clem e ns He i s the be s t . .

m a n I kn o w .

J une 4 . I have s ecu red a n opti on on t w o vill a s one a t ,

3 86
 N OT E B OO K
fran cs t h e o th e r a t
,
francs c a sh B ut both ,
.

of t hes e s ubm itted to Livy fo r he r dec ision ,

.

And th e n t h e end .

J u ne 5 At a qua rte r p a st ni ne thi s eveni ng sh e th at

.
,

w as th e l i f e o f m y l i fe p a ss e d to the r e l i e f o f h e avenly
,

pe a ce o f d ea th a ft e r 2 2 months o f u nj ust a nd unea rn e d

,

s uff e ri ng I fi rst s aw h e r n ea r 3 7 y ea rs a go a nd now I

.
,

h ave l ook e d u pon he r face for the l as t ti me Oh so un .

,

expec te d !

J u ne 6 At .P M I looked for th e l a st ti m e u pon

. .

th a t cl ea r f a c e— a nd I w as ful l o f r e mors e for th i ngs done

and s a id i n th e 3 4 y ea rs o f m a rri e d l if e th a t hu rt Livy e ’

hea rt .

Ju ne 7 W e h ad k e pt rs Orion Clem en s s d ea th from

. M .
’

Liv y She n e v e r le a rn e d of it L a t e r we k e pt Si r Hen ry

. .

M St a nl ey s d ea th from h e r Sh e di e d w ithout eve r fi n d

.
’
.

ing o ut th a t a yea r a nd a h a l f a go J ea n a nd afte rw a rd

Cla ra p assed th rough se rious ill nesses u nd e r the sa me roo f
wi th h e r .

F i fty fou r l am e nting cabl e gr a ms h a v e a rriv e d— from

-

Ame rica E ngl a nd F r a nc e Au stri a G e rm a n y Austr a l i a

, , , , ,
.

Soon th e l e tt e rs w il l follow L ivy w as b e lo v ed ev e rywh e re

. .

Ju n e 1 0 L ivy s l a st gi ft to the ch ildr e n wa s a p a i r o f

.
’

riding hors e s — S ix o r e ight wee ks a go U go ( th e b utl e r )

-
.

will s a il wit h th e m for Ame ric a from L e ghorn J u ne 2 2 , , .

Ju ne 1 8 I got up i n a ch a i r i n my room o n th e s e cond

.

floo r and lost m y b a l a nc e a nd al most f e ll o ut ( th e w i n

do w ) I don t kno w w h a t s a v e d m e Th e f a ll w oul d h a ve
.
’
.

kill e d m e ; i n m y b e r ea v e d ci rcu mst a nces the worl d woul d

have been s u re it w as s u icide .

3 87
 MA R K TWA I N
Ju n e 21 .Le ft th e vil l a All a rri ved wi th th e b a gg a ge a t
.

th e H Ot el de l a Ville F i rs t d ay of t h e s a d jou rney home

. .

Ju ne 2 6 Whe n we we re read y to le a ve the h ote l a t

.

noon J ea n w as not w el l e nough We c a ncel ed all a rra ng e

M
.

men ts Wa it ove r till tomorrow a t

. P . .

Ou r sh i p i s th e P ri nce Os c a r Ou r dea r cas ke t went on

.

boa rd a t Ge noa y es te rday , .

Ju ne 2 7 Ca me do w n to N a ples H Ot el d u V esu
. ve good
.
, .

The gre e n ti n box ( 1 870 ) th e n th e t w o black t i n bo xe s

( 1 896) all th r e e now s ucceeded by th e plai n ti n box
( Ju ne A fte r a l itt le w h o w ill ca re for thes e so h al
lo w ed t re a s u r e s ?
Ho w a ll v a l ue s h ave s h ru nken .

Ju ne 2 9 Sail e d l a s t n ight at ten The bugl e cal led to

.
, .

b re a kf a st I recognized th e notes a nd w a s di s tres s ed

.
, .

Whe n I he a rd th e m l ast Livy h ea rd them w i t h m e ; now

th ey fal l u pon h e r e a r s u nh e ed e d .

Th is sh i p i s t h e P ri nce Osc a r Hambu rg A me rican ,

.

J u ne 30 Cl a ra keep s he r bed and cannot be a r to

. s ee

any st ra n g e rs .

The we athe r is beau ti ful th e , s ea i s smooth a nd c u ri

o us ly bl ue .

I n m y l i fe the re h ave been 68 J unes—bu t how vague

a nd colorl ess 67 o f them a re contrast e d w ith the deep
bl a ckn e s s o f thi s o n e .

J uly 1I c an not rep r od u c e Livy s f a ce i n my mi nd s ’ ’

eye—I wa s nev e r i n my l i fe able to rep rod u c e a fa c e It

.

—
.

i s a cu riou s i n fi rm ity and now a t l a s t I real ize th a t i t i s

a cal am ity .

3 88
 M A RK TWA I N
El mi ra i n h i s p ri va t e c a r to mo r r ow—t a ki n g Rev J H . . .

T w ich e ll of H a rtf ord w ho m a rri ed us , .

J ul y 1 4 Fun e ral p ri v ate i n th e hous e of Livy s youn g

.
’

m a idenh ood Wh e re S he stood as a b ride 34 y ea r s ago

.
,

th e re h e r co ffi n rested ; and ove r i t the s a me voice th a t

had m a de h e r a wi fe then co m mi tt ed h e r depa rted s p i ri t
, ,

t o G od no w
1
.
,

F o r a m o re det ai l ed acco un t o f M Clem ens last da ys fro m

‘ ’
rs .

Y o rk Ha rbo r t o F l o re n ce an d o f t h e voyag e h o m e see Cha pters

XVI I XV III XIX f My F h M k Tw i by Cl a Cl e
,

CC XXII I CCXXV I CCXXIX t CCXXXI f M k

, , o at er , ar a n, ar em n s,

d Cha p
an t ers , , o , o ar

T w ain , A B i ograph y .
 CHAPTE R XXXV

C losin g Y ear:

J UL Y 1 6 Cl ara a n d Te re s a ( Ital i a n m aid ) w en t t o t h e

.

s u mme r home L e e M as s i n the B e rksh i r e Hills

, ,
.
,
.

J uly 1 8 At I a nd U go bu tl e r ( he a r riv e d from

.
,

It a ly with th e hors e s o n F riday ) l e ft fo r Lee a nd a rriv e d

at Je a n a nd K a ty l e ft a t a nd a rriv e d about 7 .

J uly 2 2 Cl a ra s ick h ea rt b rok e n u n r e stful retu rned

.
, ,
-
, ,

to N Y w i th Kat y to r e st aw h il e w ith M is s D r P a r ry
. . . .

K a ty Lea ry w as with Susy w h e n s h e di e d i n 9 6 and ’

,

w i t h Li vy when sh e died S he h a s be e n i n o ur s e r vice 2 3

.

y e a rs .

Jul y 2 4 Col d W e bu il t a fi r e i n m y room Th e n cl awe d

. . .

the logs out a nd th re w wa t e r re m e mb e ri ng th e r e is a ,

b rood of s wa llows i n th e ch i mn ey Th e tr ag edy w as .

ave rted .

Lee Ma s s Be rk s h i re Hill s J uly 3 1 1 90 4

,
.
, ,
.

Last n ight the youn g p e ople o ut o n a moonl i g h t ride .

Trolley fright e ned J e an s horse Coll is ion Hors e ki lled ’

.

Rod m a n G ilde r p icked J e a n up—u nconscious ; s h e w as

. .

take n to th e doctor pe r the ca r F a ce no s e S ide b a ck .

, , , ,

contused ; tendon o f l eft a nkl e b roken .

A ugu st 1 0 N ew Y ork Cl a ra he re s ick—n e ve r w el l s i n ce

. .

J u ne 5 Jea n is a t th e s u m me r home i n Be rk s h i re H i ll s
.
,

cripple d .

3 9 I
 MARK TWA I N
August 1 1 T wo yea rs ago L ivy wa s stricken at York
.

H a rbor 7 i n th e morni ng F rom th at ti me u n til the fatal .

st h of J u n e 1 90 4 she neve r s aw a we ll day , .

Se pt Died at G ree nwich Ct m y s iste r P a m e l a

M
. 1 .
,
.
,

o fl a t t aged a bout 7 3 She h a d b ee n 60 yea rs a n i nval id

, . .

D ea th d a tes th is ye a r : J an 1 4 J une 5 Sept 1

- .
, , . .

Oct . 13 . Executed my l a st will .

N ow I h ave go t a word for it

,
w h e n pu rrin g i s a sh ade
too S t rong to p rope rly describe th a t a l mos t u nd e tect a ble
so ft ru mbl i ng sound w hich yo u feel rather than hea r , ,

wh e n you p ress a ki tt e n to y ou r ea r I p r e s s ed the kitten .

“
to Cl a ra s ea r and s ai d Th e re now you ca n hea r h i m
’
,
-

”
sm olderi n g .

The only ve ry m a rked d i ff e r e nce betwe e n th e ave rage

civil ized m a n a nd t h e a v e r a g e s avage i s t ha t th e one i s
g i lded a nd th e othe r pai nt e d .

Th e critic s symbol S hould b e t h e tu mble b ug : he d e

’
-

posits hi s e gg i a somebo dy e ls e s dung othe rwis e he coul d ’

,

n o t h a tch i t .

Th e cou rs e o f fr ee lo v e nev e r ru n s smooth I su ppos e we .

h ave all t ri e d it .

A n u n e asy consci e nce i s a ha i r i n th e mouth .

God so a trocious i n the Old T es tament so attra cti ve i n

the N ew—the J ekyl a nd Hyd e o f sacred rom a nce
, ,

Let us s o l i v e that when w e com e to die even the u nde r .

t ake r will be s or ry .

39 2
 MARK TWA IN
dete s t s them as a rule I a m one of the he rd my s el f I t i s
, . .

notic ea bl e th a t the p rof e ssion a l a l w ays uses the o n e l i

c e nse : Go ye i nto a l l th e w orld and ignores th e Golde n
”
,

Rul e w hich w ou l d r e str a i n hi m from e nt e ri ng Chi n a a nd

o n e or t w o oth e r cou ntrie s whe r e he i s not wa n t ed a nd i s

not welcome .

M a n h a s not a s ingle right which is the p rod uct o f any

t hing but m ight .

Not a S i ngle right i s i ndest ructi bl e : a ne w might can a t

a ny ti m e a bol is h i t henc e m a n poss e ss e s not a si ngle
, ,

rm a n e n t right
p e .

God i s M ight ( and He i s S h i fty mal iciou s a nd un cer , ,

ta i n ) .

”
I n God We Trus t I t i s the choicest compl i men t that
.

h as ev e r been p a id us a nd the mos t gr a ti fy i ng to o ur

,

f ee l i ngs I t i s S i mpl e di rect g race ful ly ph rased ; i t alwa ys

.
, ,

—
s ou nds we ll I n God We T ru st I don t bel ieve it w oul d .
’

s ou nd an y b e tt e r i f it w e re t rue And i n a me a su re it i s .

t rue
b
h alf th e n a tion t ru sts in Hi m Tha t h al f h a s de .

cided i t .

PO p do w n i n the S ty Y ou wil l know hi m from th e

’
s .

”
hog s b e c a use h e s g ot h is h at o n
’
.

I n the begi n ni n g o f a change th e pat riot i s a s ca rce

m a n a nd b r a v e and hated and s corned When h i s c a use
, ,
.

succe e d s th e ti m id joi n h i m fo r t hen it co s t s nothi ng to

, ,

be a p a t riot The s oul a nd s ub s t a nc e of w h a t custom a rily

ra nks a s pat rioti s m i s moral cowa rdice—a nd alway s h as
.

been .

I n a ny civi c c ri s i s of a g rea t a nd dan ge rou s s o rt the

c ommon he rd i s not p rivately anxiou s about the r i g ht s
a nd wron gs o f the m atte r i t i s on ly a n xio u s t o be on the
,

394
 N OT E B O O K
wi nnin g s ide I n th e Nort h b e fore th e Wa r th e man w h o
.
, ,

o pp os e d s la v e ry wa s d e spis e d a nd ostr a ciz e d a nd i nsul t e d ,

.

“ “
B y the P a t riots Th e n by a nd b y th e P a triots we nt
”
.
,
”
,

ove r to h is s id e a nd th e nc e forth h is attitude bec a me

,

p a t riotis m .

Th e r e a r e t w o ki nds o f p a triotis m— mon a rchic a l p a

t riot is m a nd r e public a n p a triotis m I n th e o n e c a se the .

govern m e n t a nd t h e king m a y rightfull y fu rnis h you th e i r

notion s o f p a triotis m ; i n th e oth e r n e ithe r the gov e rn men t ,

nor th e en t i re n a tion is p ri v il e g e d to dict a t e to a ny i ndi

vidual wh a t th e form o f h is p a t riotis m S h a ll be The G OS .

“
p e l of the Mon a rchical P a triotis m is : The Ki ng c a n do
”
no w rong W e h a ve adopt e d i t with al l it s s e r v il it y wi t h
.
,
“
a n u ni mpo rt a nt ch a n g e i n the wording : Ou r cou nt ry ,
”
right o r w rong !
W e h a v e th ro w n aw a y th e most v a l u a bl e a ss e t w e h a ve
—th e i nd ividu a l right t o O p p ose both fl a g a nd cou nt ry
when h e ( j ust h e b y h i ms e l f ) b e l i eve s th e m to b e i n the
wrong W e h a v e th ro w n i t away ; a nd w ith i t a ll th a t w as
.

r ea l ly r e s p e ct a ble about th a t g rotesqu e and l a u g h a bl e

word P a trioti sm
, .

S i x ty yea rs a go opti mist a nd fool we re n ot s y non y mou s

t e rms Thi s is a gr ea t e r ch a ng e th a n th a t w rought by
.

S ci e nc e a nd i n ve ntion I t is th e mighti e st ch a ng e th a t wa s
.

eve r w rough t i n th e w orld i n a ny s ixty ye a rs s i nce cre a

tion J a n 1 90 5
. . .

S e pt 2 4 O5 At 8 A
.
’
. . M
a b ea uti ful d r ea m a nd vividly
.

r ea l Livy Con ve rs a tion o f t w o o r th r ee mi nut e s I s a id

. . .

“
s e v e r a l ti m e s Th e n i t w as onl y a d r ea m only a drea m ,
.

Sh e did n ot s ee m to u nd e rst a nd w h a t I m ea nt .

1 90 6 .
“
P a i n e : Wh y is the king s m i nd [ T w as fre ’
M . .

q u e ntl y r e fe rr e d t o a s th e ki ng ] l ik e a r a il ro a d ti m e t a ble ? -

B ec ause it is s ub j e c t to ch an g e wi t hou t noti ce ”

.

39 5
 MAR K TWA IN
I t will be s ee n from th e foregoin g tha t th e
p res e nt w rite r w as by th i s ti me o n the scene .

E a rl y i n J a nu a ry I h ad become Ma rk T w a i n s ’

biographe r a nd h e h ad b e gu n dail y di ct a tion

not es fo r m y us e l a te r to b e come h i s Aut obio g
,

rap h y H e s e ldom m ade entrie s no w i n h i s note

.

books us i ng a p a d o f p a pe r for s uch m e mor a nda

,

a s h e wis hed to jot do w n betwee n d ict a tion s .

Whe n i t w as pos s ibl e I s aved t he s e th ings but I ,

h ave not bee n abl e al w ays t o keep the m nor the

few r e m a i n ing notebook e ntrie s i n ch ronolog ica l
ord e r H e m a de notes i n any book o r o n any p ad
.

t hat came h andy .

S O ME W A S H I N C ID
‘
N O
N T S E
E a rl y i n Dece mbe r ( 1 90 6) I accompanied Ma rk Twai n
on a cop y righ t lobbyi ng expedition to W a sh i ngton an ,

account o f w h ich i s el s e w h e re set down a nd need not be

re pe a t e d h e re Looki n g t h rough the not es o f th a t j ou rney
.
,

ho w ev e r I fi nd one o r t w o that may be added now

, , .

We a rrived i n the even in g and w ent to the New Wil

“ ”
l a rd a hotel boasti ng ce rt a i n l a test i mp rovemen ts For
,
.

on e th i n g you w e re s u re o f gettin g boil i n g wate r from th e

,
“
Hot fau c et al most i nstantl y—it was n t neces s a ry to feel
” ’

o f it E a rl y next morni n g h e w as i n the ba th roo m I h ea rd

. .

the w ate r t u rned i nto th e t ub fol lo w ed by a wild blas t o f

,
“
p rofa n ity : God d a m n th e God d a mned son o i a bitch
- - - - -

that i nvented th at faucet ! I hope he ll ro a s t i n hell for a ’

”
mill ion y e a rs ! I t appea red th at he h ad s ampled th e t e m
p e ra t ur e of the fl ow a s,
wa s h i s cu s tom a t home— o rd i
n a rily s i n g i n g a l ittle a t s uch a moment .

I t w a s not much of a s ta rt for the day When coffee .

came u p h i s t ray wa s pl aced on a l ittle table by h i s bed ,

w hi c h he had g ot back i nto a s s oo n a s poss ible The hot

mil k wa s in a good — —
.

s ized p i tche r oi n a rrow n ec k, wi de -

396
 MARK TWA I N
n eve r gu e s —h e has left
s it out o f h i s heaven ! P rayer t akes
”
it s plac e .

He wrote seve ral ch a pte rs o f th e book—it wa s to have

bee n th a t—but h e w as ti r e d and no long e r we ll He had , .

e xh a usted the topic fi rst and l a st—it could n ot a muse o r

,

i nte r e st h i m long .

Wh at s e e ms to be h is fin a l notebook ent ry was made

abou t t his ti me or a l ittl e ea rl i e r
,
.

Al lschool s all colleges h a ve two g reat fu nction s : to

, ,

con f e r and to conce a l v a l u a ble knowledg e Th e Th e ologi

,
.

cal know l e dge w hich they conceal cannot j ustly be re

g a rded as l es s val u a bl e t ha n th at wh ich they rev e al Th at .

is i f whe n m a n i s bu y i ng a ba s ket o f s t ra w be rries it can

, , ,

p rofit h i m to kn ow th at th e bottom h al f of it is rott e n .

Nov 5 1 90 8
.
,
.

He s ti ll made note s now a n d a g ai n on t h e l i ttle pad s

, ,

t hat w e re alw ay s ne a r h i s bed w he re he s p e nt mos t of ,

hi s ti me Among th e l ate r m e moranda w a s th is o n e w rit

.
,

te n doubtless at some moment wh e n he consid e red h is

acceptance of t h e s wi ftl y app roa c h in g ( and to h i m w el , ,

come ) ch a nge

He h ad a rrived at the di gn i ty o f Death —the o nl y

ea rthly dign ity th a t is not a rt ifi c ial—the only s a fe one .

Th e othe rs a re t r a ps th at c a n begu ile to h u mil iation .

“
Death the only i m mortal w ho t reats us a l l al ike whos e
, ,

pity a nd w hos e pea c e a nd whos e refu g e a re for all —the

s oiled a nd the pu re the rich and the p oo r the loved a nd
, ,
”
the u nloved

—
.

And once he wrote

“
Ob sc u rity and a competen c e t hat i s th e l i fe th a t i s
bes t w o rt h l ivi n g .

393
 N OT E B O O K
AF TER W O RD
A n d so t he record clo s es It is Ma rk T w ai n—at h i s be st
.

a nd at h i s w orst I c a nnot discov e r anything more to add

.
,

an d I a m not p rompted t o t a ke anyth ing a wa y Those .

w h o h ave wanted Mark Twai n as he w as— to h i ms e l f and

— —
,

to those nea re st hi m h a ve h i m now in h is d a u g hte r s ’

memori e s M y
,
F a t h e r M a rk Tw a i n
,
and i n th e se d es,
ul
tory m e mor a nd a th e fi t ful record o f fi fty yea rs W hat
,
.

ev e r h e m a y a pp ea r to th e r e st o f th e w orld to those i n ,

h is daily l i fe he w as th e ki ndest and wis e st o f m e n W e .

th ou g h t h i m al s o the h a ndsom e st H e wa s a n ext r e m ist.

,

O f cou rse bu t wh e n h as there ev e r b ee n a gen iu s w h o w as

,

not ? Th e word s a re ne a rly s ynon ymous .

He h a d e v e ry hu man attribute Once he w rote .

“
I h a ve fou nd th e r e is n o ingredient o f th e r a c e w h ich
I do not poss e ss i n eith e r a s mal l o r a l a rge wa y When it .

i s s m a ll as comp a red w ith the s a me i ngredi e nt i n some

,

bod y el se the re is still enou g h of it fo r p u rpose s o f ex

,
”
a mi n a tion .

Some t he re were w h o neve r u nd e rstood hi m—w ho s aw

o nl y h is wea kn e ss e s— w ho t hought b e c a use o f h i s grea t
g i fts h e shoul d be a bove weakness e s w hich to th e m w e re ,

only fl aw s Th e y h a d l ittl e conc e ption of a n a tu re l ik e h is

. .

Th e ch ick e n doe s n ot u nde rstan d the e a gle s a ve n ow a nd ,

t hen a l ittl e when th e e ag l e catches th e chick e n a nd t ake s

, ,

h i m o n a t ri p th rough S p a ce Th e n the chick e n m ay g e t

.

a di m id ea o f w h a t the e a gl e s l i f e is l ike though o n t h e

’
,

whol e the fo w l i s u nl ik e l y to e njoy the e x cu rs ion .

Hi s soul w as bu il t o f t ruth I f h is t ricky m e mo ry a nd

.

u n fail ing i m a gi n a tion l ed h im i nto m a ny misst a t e m e nts ,

h e w as a l wa ys e a g e r to correct w he n h e bec a m e consciou s

,

o f th e m Ho we lls onc e s a id t o m e
.

“
H e wa s th e most t ruth ful m a n w h e n i t wa s a q u e stio n
,

o f f a ct
,
I h a v e eve r kn o w n p a rti cul a rly wh e n i t wa s a
,

399
 M A R K TWA I N
rel atio n o f som e discred i tabl e occu rr e nce i n which h e h ad
be e n conce rn e d I remembe r once at di nne r w h e n th e con
.
,

ve rs a tion tu rned to the s ubj ect o f j a il s and the expe ri e nce

o f occu p y ing a c e l l h e s a id ,

I passed a n i g h t i n j ail once

‘
.
’

Cl a ra w ho wa s p r e sent w a s S hock e d
, , .

“
Wh y Fathe r s h e s aid ho w i n th e worl d di d you
‘
, ,
’
,
‘

come to be i n ja i l ? ’

“
He did not m a ke any excus e ; h e d id n ot s ay t h a t it
h ad been a m ist a ke and th a t h e h a d m a de i t wa rm for
th e authorities a fte rwa rds Most o f us w ould h ave q u a l i .

fied p a ll iated let ou rs e lves down ea sy Noth i n g o f the

, ,
.

s o rt ; h e l ooked m ildl y at Cl a ra and repl ied : ,

D runk I g ues s
‘
,
.

H e bel ieved other s to be as t ru th ful a s h i msel f un til h e ,

fou nd h is confidence m ispl a ced Then fo r the ti me sus .

,

p ic io u s h
,
e wa s apt t o d istrus t those w h o we re loyal to ,

disc redi t th a t wh ich wa s t ruth I t wa s l a rg ely be c ause o f .

h i s d i s appointmen t i n pe r s on s taken t oo ea s ily on t rust

th a t h e was mov e d at t i mes to rail a t m an ki nd i n gene ral ,

t h e f a l sity o f the h u ma n race a t l a rge Yet to th e l a st h is .

, ,

confid e nce wa s eas il y won a nd not alway s by thos e e n ,

t itled to th a t g reat honor .

Al w ay s from youth to a g e he s trove agai n st Op p res

s ion s u pe rstition sha m h ypoc risy evil i n eve ry form
, , , ,
.

He fou g ht i n th e open with th a t mo s t powe rful o f al l

wea pon s t ruth—u n a n s we rable logi c s u pplemented by rid
,

icule He bel ieved th at no abuse coul d with s ta nd rid icul e

.
,

a nd h e w ent fa r t owa rd p rovi ng i t .

H e saw l i fe at a q uizzical S lant bu t h e wa s n o t fi rs t o f , ,

all a h u morist H i s ph ra s e wa s l ik e l y to c a r ry a l augh

, .

w ith it but more often th a n not i t ca r ried some deep re

,

ve alm e n t o f h u ma n t ruth or h u ma n i nj usti ce A hu nd red

,
.

maxi m s i n the for e goi ng pag es t e sti fy to th i s The expre s .

s ion that i s me r e ly h um o rous doe s n ot l o n g s u rv ive The re .

40 0
 M A RK TWA I N
a nd i t does not d is in tegr a te I t is p res e rved and remai n s
.

t h e s a m e unt a rn is hed by th e fore ve r It i s no t all gold

— —
.
,

th a t he h as left us o by no me a n s b u t li ttle by li ttl e

h,

the alloy will disap pea r and i n th e lo ng t e n thous a nd

,

y e a rs th e re will be thos e w ho will re cog nize an d p res erve

t h e me t al of th e go d s
.

TH E EN D
 I NDEX
Bibli l re f r nces , ee 62, 65, 69 , 70 , B u li e Ed L
M
ca r ng am , .
, 21
2. 83 . 86. 8 8. 9 1 . 94 . 9 7 B ut te , on t , rea di n gs, 24 6

Md
B .
2 96
B n ce 18 C accam es i , a am e Bl anc e , h 3 14
Bi g hn am , Co nn ,
1 15 C d w l d J h gu t
a a a er, o n, es o f, 3 7 5 ,
Bi gh n O io , am ,
h 1 1 5 3 76
o srap h y o f. 2 , 1 5. n . 5 5 . 7 8. C C mm
aes a r s
’
i 87 o en t ar es , 1

” C i ph
Bi 13 D
a a as , 1 0 0 , 1 0
9
re 9 r .
,
10 Ci 3 1
a ro , ,
11
Bi m k 3 3 64
s arc 1 1, C l u th t e 76 8 289
a c t ta ea r, 2 2 0
Bi b y H
, , ,
x 3 6,
o rac e, ,
1 1 C li f i 1 6 4
a o rn a,
, 0
Bl k F e 5
ac or s t , 1 0 C lv y 9 8
a ar ,

Bl F k 4 9
ess , ran ,
1 C am ero n ,Jh 9 o n, 22
Bl oe mf i 97 on te n, 2 C p A gel 6 7
am n
'
s, ,
“
Bl u h I t Ab d 62 C pg C bet t ad
v u yi gM i
c er n n ocen : roa am m
a n a, t n or
N 3 878 4 7
, ,
B ! o v. 1 1 1 en t
5 re art n , 2 2
B iih y I di 2 7
0 n a, r en
C pe H
, ,

or a ,
n a, 0 a 7 orn , 1
B“ p t e 9 3
o na ar 8 4 , ,
1 0 1 , 1 0 2, 2 1 ,
2 1 C pe S p l 66
a art e
,
B h
oo - oof ve
”
e r, 20 C p i t l p um h m t Op i i
a a f s en , n on o ,
B kl ve Lib y 37 5
oo o rs
'
rar ,
151
B k 2 Ca i S t ormfi eld
'
V i si t
p! v
oo s , s n s to
B ph u I l d 8
os or s s an s, 1
-
ca en
”

,
V 111

B t
os on Ad t i 9 ver ser, 1 C arey o f Oh 1o , 1 1 5
B u i ul D i
o c ca m i t) 9 t, on ra at s ,
12 C l
ar e t o n ublis h er, 7 , 5 5
B ui ll d G d f y
o on c o re ,
10 1 C arm e l ,
o un t , 1 0 2

B d hu g P li m Em C eg i e A d w 2 9 23
p t Mki g I d u y 3 5 8
ran en r ar a en t , arn , n re ,
2 , 1

p m de p e ror ht 4 a s eec o, 2 2 C ar e a n n s tr ,

B d t C p t i 34
ran a a n, 1 C as t ill T w f 3 9 4
o, o n o , ,
1
B i ti h 8
,
C b 6
B k V w M N t
r 2 at aco m s, 1
dL
s ,

ro en 4 o , rs . or on , 1 2 C a t h li
o uthe
c an tw ran , o sec t s ,
B k J
Mg
roo s,
4 as . l 1 2 23
,

B ro w n ) 1 1 1 I 4 , 2 2) 3 3 s 61 ) 96s 1 65 Cent ury a az n e, i 1 5 2, 1 8 2, 1 88,

B row n i ng 2 9 7 1 89
russ ls é at h edral, 1 54
B e C v e 4
er an t s , 0 1

Bu k I l d 4
c s an C yl C l m b
e on , ived t 269 o o o, arr a ,

B u kl d J h
c an ,
,

o n O hi )
o , 1 14 Ch l 5 5
an n e , ,
1

B ud t p a s s eec at J ubile e o f h l m g
ar e 36 a ne, 1

m a n crp a t ro n ,
,

3 70 Ch l I 3 4 3 5
ar es , , 2 , 2
B aj
'

ala Ex press , 1 23 Ch i , p l i p ed i ti 3 74
e ro a m st , r c on

B ull d Rev le u d 7 5
ar , .
, ct re ,
Ch i p p he y fulfill d 3 8
e ro s ro c e , 0,

Bu G ge
nso n , d yi g 3 eo r vo n , n ,
11 38
Che p p am id f
1

Bu y n Pilg i
an s P g ’ “
rm s
'
ro ress ,
C hi g G
o

i N h H l 31
ca o ,
s,
o rt
o ,
111
ote 2
9 1 2 .

Chi W ld F i t w
'

B u i l t S 3 7 4 3 44 4 8 O
c
fR lig i 27
0 or s a r o

B u ied T u e i M
ras a e a, , , ,

i ui e on 2

vill ge b i f t y M Ch l d h y 3 8 4 44 46
r re as r n sso r
“ o e ra , ea t s , , 2, ,
a as s o s or an
4 8 89) 24 9
Wh C up ted H dl y o o rr a e s C hn s t u an f v
org e ness , 33
l
bu s 3 4 r . 2 C h ris t ian t t y, 2 5
.

B u k Ed u d 58
r e, m n , 2 Ch hurc , D e ac o n Wm F 9 0
Bu l gam A
. .

)
rin 2 25 3 2 e, n son , 1, , Ch hurc , An n un c at o n o f, 9 6 i i
4 4
0
 INDEX
Ch u ch E i
r li s co a an , 1 1 C ro w n o fT h o rn s , 98
Chu h o p ul li 77 9 8
,

rc ,
c e r, ,
C rus a d e rs ,
4 97,,
10 1
Chu h R C h li 6 C ryp t og rap 1c 5
Mu il P l 78
rc ,
o m an at o c, 1
C h ut t er nz a ace , 2 C ub a, c o as t 0 ,
Ci i g i l ld 7 8
rc ass an r s so
,
C us t o m o use , 1 5 H
Cl i m
a s, 2 C ut t er, ood goo HBl d .
,

Cl p p S t u d y P
Cl k M u 9
a a 7 r a ress ,
Dk
,

s’ 2 0 Laurz i art c d fro m 1 83

8g88
ar e, arc

g
a e
i Oli i L g d D
,

Cl e m e r s, iii
v a an o n , v 1 1, v ,
2 a m as c us , , 9 3 , 9 7, 100 ,
10 1 ,
d h f 8
ea t o ,

fu l
n era o D an , 10 7, 1 12
D
,

Cl em en s , Cl 33 43 ara , 1 2 a n a,Ch A 9 as 1 1
D
.
,
.
, ,

3 5 3 3 3 88 21 an a, R H 3 . .
,
1 0
D
,

Clem en s, 3 8 oss , 2 ang m id

er 1 n 6 33 -oce an 2
D
, ,

Cl em e n s , d ll 74
ar an e es ,
Cl em e n s , d th ea D j li g 7 7
ar ee n 2
D
,

of 39 2 wi
ar 5 5 65
n, 1 1
Cl e m en s ,
.

S L 84 D vid
a 9 10 1 , 10
,

D ,
. .
,
“
L tt G C i Ch l E 3
M Oi 9
e t er o as o . 21 2 av s , ar es .
,
2 2
D
,

Cl em e n s , rs . r on , d S 99 5 9
ea ea, ,
10 ,
10
d t h f 3 85
ea o ,
D th
ea t S s a 7 4 3 44 e a. . . .

Cl em e n s , Su i 33 4 3 s e, 1 2 D B C
e eers id d C 3 o n so at c o 20
—
.

D b h (J udg V )
, ,

d h f3 4
ea t o 3 6 3 0 1 22 e o ra es ,
10 2
Clem en s, VV p udi i m f re at o n o D C L 7 84 O 2,
fii d 5
. .
, ,
en n ’ ,
D
yM
M
3 73 en s r

Cl l d il d f J ul y 7 w Ch u
f lf M E R i d Cu i t
eve a n sa e ro m 1 n ce

D B
, , , ,
a
‘’
c o e, rs. . .
,
n rs
C los m g years , 3 9 1 35 2
Cl ub y ess a Di am o nd 5
D y v i vi ii
, ,
Cl ub S t om a 1ar 1 8 1,
Cl ub ubj t Th I i i t y f D i ki
, , ,

E il y igg i
“

M 8
s ec e ns n cer o c n so n , 8 m nso n, 2 1

Jh 7
,
”
an , 1 1 D i ll R
e ev . o n 1
Di
,

Cl
o e m an , 7 n n er A d w C gi
es t s n re arn e e,
Cl b 8 P G ld w i S i h J h
C l u bi M u i D g LLD
o om o, 2 2 ro . o n m t ,
o n
o m a, sso r , e ree .
, C d A b bi g
am ero n , re a
“
so r n

3 75 C d mt U i an a 9 a o n on ,
”
22
C m t hi p
o e , 4 s9 ,
2 ,
2 Di t t 3
s co n en 0
C t
o n cer fP w 3 5 o o ers , 0 D i u Ag t i
tt ro 44
,

os n a, 1
C g g ti l g v y d 3
o n re a on a ra e ar ,
1 1 D iv es , 1 0
9
C i p l 69 7 7 5 7 8 8
o ns t an t n o e, ,
1, , ,
2,
D ivi O i gi 9
ne r n, 1 1
94 9 IO
D ivi Ri gh t i
J k yll d M H yd 34 8
. ne x
C i th
o n t n en t , o n 33 e, 0 “
D
,

C p I ti u l u 5 5
oo er ns t t e, ect re,
r.

3 49
e an r . e, ,

C lR f 9
o ra ee s , 1
D ld u 3 1
C d y Ch l t t 3 65
or a ar o e
Dl
o r m s,

Vi
C u t B di R y l
,
o o ros a, 9 a, 1 0 1 , 1 0
o n es s

3 54
ar ,
o a
D w i gS
o n n 3 5 t ree t , 2

C v t Ak f 6
o e n an , r o 10 D u m d C t/ l
r m on f hi p 3 ar e, oss o s , 00

C t
re an 1 ns u 8 rrect 10 n
,

2 D re am t he y 3 5 35 or ,
0
-
2

C i i C
r on di bl an a 43 an n o e m an , 1 D ub uq u 63 e, 1

Du d F i
,

C wl y L d
ro e fe i
, 3 6 or ,
con ss o n , 2 e e 34 r as , 1

40 5
 I NDEX
Du C p t C C 56 5 8 66 7 9 Fl H t l A G d
D u h k Md m
n ¢ an , a . . .
, , , , ore nc e , o e rno ; ran e
tsc 34
a, a a e, 2 B re t g 5 a n e, 2 2
Fl wo g ders , f ar en o 10 1
E ly G
ar J ub l 7 8
, en . a ,
1 F ollowi ng t he Q a t ar,
,

2 70 272 ,
E i g ffl h 3
,
at n 1 06
29

M
o es 3
, 4
Eb l S m i 9 7
a . a 3 ar a, ,
10 F ood b1lls e no rm o us , 62 , 67
Egyp t us .
i n . Fo re g n i ss o ns , i i
o ar B d f o ,
1 66
Eg yp t V i y f 74 cero o , Form 2
F o rt T
,
yp e
t i an n o t s , 1 1 1 l
a y o r, K e y W s t e 49
fW he D
,
E d dg ri e o
4 i 8. , 1 1 F o rt y- t r e ays in an
El B t il !
e az ar, 1 04 oa art c e, 2 5
El G i P l i en n, 95 a es t ne, Fos t er, C o l , 86
G ibe
.

El G ib 8 F ran ce 1 6, 20 , 2 1
d f
or on, 1 0 5
Eli h s a, 1 0 2, 1 F ran kfb rt ( Fo r o t h e F ran s ) , k
El i m ra, N w k 58 1 6
i
3 e or ,
12 ,
1
El i R f
m ra y e orm at o r
3 7 39 ,
20 1 , 1 0 F ren c l , 2 1 2 8
Eli b h 5
za et ,
1 1
,
F fi rs t v o m S t o erg -Wernigero e, lb d
ip t i
an c S p h B ud p
a on eec ,
a es t , 2 20

37 °
Em g y b t 33
er en c oa s , G b il w i h
a r o Oss p , 3 53 t sc ,
i
65
crso n , 1 lil
G a ee. 9 1 . 9 3 . 9 6. 1 0 4
Ge fi d t G alli a , s t e am er, 1 5 6
G dhi Mh
r 4 rm an , re a , 1 0
,
En or,it t 94 v 1s o, an ,
a at m a, 2 7 2

E gl d 3 4 3 7
n an 0 ! G arden Re i on , 2 61
G fi ld
. .

E g li h 4 57 1 20 21, 1 ar e 5 n 11

M
n s .
,

G i Je u l m
, ,

E g li h i
n s w ii n a a 1 en n , r sa e ,

E gli h p u
n s y H well re, o o s, G h d
fir 75 7
ar ts 1
79 1
‘ 1
Ge
, , s

H wh aH lm e 5 7 t orn e, o s, 1 t v t h 35
rm a n s o e, e, 1

Et p i
n er 5 9 r se, G m y C h i m m 48
er an , r st as 1
Ep he u 69 8 3s s.
,

G th m
e se G d an e ar en 0 10 1
G ibe E1 G ib 8
.

Ep i p li
sco 6h u h a an tc 11 on, or 10
Ep h li
oc ry 5 5 t era
,

G ib l 67ra t ar 3 85 1 1 2,
,

G ib
, ,
,
E up t
r 8 i on, 1 so n , ” r. , I

Ed
s lrae o n , 1 0 2 G ih on 10 0

Eul b g C u t
en er G m o n vo n , er an 0 11c A g t h m e, e.

A b d
,
G il l
G il t \Z
m 2 a 10
34 ass a or, ,

Evil C u il o nc 10 0 et eilli m ’
a ,

E l i
x ce s or, 1 8
,

G illi m e 5 6
s
,
a s, ,

Gi ir zm 3 ,
10

F kl
ac R J G 43 4 5 4 8
er, ev .
G i h p y m id f
ze 1 ra s o 11
Gl d
,
“
P k 3 73
. .
, , , ”
a s t o ne ar
Fan s , ,
4
F ll Ci ty 5
’ Gl k
assc oc ,
a

F y l Sp i
s

64
,
G d f y f uill 9 8
o re o on ,
a

F gu
a ,

H y 27 3
a n,
G ld H
o en h d t 82 o rn , anc o re a ,
er so n , enr 1
G dm J ph T 5
G d Mi pi i te pupil
, ,
oo o se
S ul 6 7
an ,
F gu
.
,

F i ld M J m T
er so n , am e 2 2
, ,
oo so n , ss , an s , o f
e rs 6 a e 22
L h i ky 3 7
es c et z s, 0
,
. .
,

Fi d C v
res 1 e i i Ti m e fon ersa t o ns n o G hi w i d w 4
ot c n o s, 0
Qu Eli be h 5ee n za t 1 1 G hiot l de 4c co o n n a s, 0
F l g ll i
a e f 98
at o n , o , Gé i tt ud i 36
en, st en ts n, 1
Flore nce , 1 44 , 1 4 6, 1 4 7 G oule, s yo u, 5
40 6
 INDEX
am eso n ra ide rs 29 4
,
Ku m ar S hri , Pi e
r nc o f Puli t ani,
ap an , b hi g
at n 111 p u bli c, 28 8 2 73
eric h o , A ie t nc 109
?
n ,

ero bo am b
La o r, 1 9
Ma
, 1 0 4, a
cru alem 84 , 97 , 10 3, 1 0 7 La B ordo nn ai s, rq uis , 1 21
s
es u1 t s, 2 Lan ai , 1 1
ew e t t , S arah Orne , 2 26 Lan g o n , d
ar s , 3 20 Ch le
Op i n ion o f d
La ng o n , u a, m arr age J li i f 378
livi M Cl m )
ews , ,
1 51 o ,

a re el Ci y , o f 94
t
,
Lang o n, O d a ( rs . e ens ,
l, F o un t a1n , 9 5 12
Ch
ezree

hak
T, 2
g;
r , .

2 3 8. 24 1 . 3 x6. v1 no , m .
, co rres p o n d en t 0 f
3 4 21 384 Lond on Ti m es , 3 5 7
d ed ic a uo n o f, 3 26 Law , 9 , 2 8
oh n , 1 0 2 , 1 0 3 Law o f s tri ut Di b i on of C om fort
O h ns op H ki
n s Un v ers t y, i i 20 6 an d a n , 3 63 Pi
Ch le W
h
n so n , ar s .
,
192 au n ts . 99 . l 0 9
on a b ,
10 1 ” Y. l 0 9 3 1 9 . 3 83 . 3 9 1
o n es, C pt Hu i a . rr can e, 33 L e an on , Ce ar o f, 1 0 1
b d
on so n , B en , 151 e
L c t ures, 3 2 5 5
o p p a, 1 0 1 Lee, Ge n era 1 74
or d an , Riv e e h ik
L sc e t z y, 3 4 2 , 3 52
osep h , 1 0 2 , 1 0 3 Letters f rom t he Eart h ,
0 86 9 11113 . 35 m an uscr p t , 3 9 7 i
os h ua, Lew s 81 i Cl k
ar , 1 8 5 , 2 4 6

M
10 3
ubileei ge n rs , 336 Lij e on t h e i ss i ss ip p i , 3 , 1 61
dh 8
u a , 10 q
L i uor, 1 3
d I i t
u as sc ar o , Tree , 100 , 10 1 i
L t erary epoc , 55 h
e di t. 3 73 i
L t erary e n t ur s, 3 2 v e
7. 5 5 iv
L erp oo 1 l
“
L yiv ( ivi
a) , 20 8, 2 20 , 23 5 ,
!
O
K ai Wlh lm II il d 9 233
ser 1 e , sa e ,
22 , ,
2 3 6. 2 5 7 . 3! 3 1 9 . 3 2 2.
342 3 5 . 3 3 6. 3 5 5 . 3 7
2 3 7 7.
K l t l u g be 3 6
a en e t e n, 0
Km hm h
a e a 4 5 e as , 1 0 1 1 20 Log o f S i p , 2 7 , 3 1h
K k
, , ,

as , 1 0 6 2 2, 2 Lo g an , G e n , 1 1 5
an a
3 7 3 1 20
D
.
,

K y We d
, ,
Lo n o n d
M
st, ays, 3 23
e 49 on a,

Kil Cut d
Lo n o n , Turn er, S arge n ,
o
e %m
m an se
gg 34 e, o n v . 2 r .
, ,

m b l y er e di m d m i ,
cra t er a on ne, i d e
W n erm er Lak , ar

02 55 1
3
K i g f Je u l 9 8 L d Ch l
M i i izu 99
f
n o r s a em ,
on on, e se a,

Ki gn 5 8 7
10 1 , 1 ,
2 L don on, ans o n se, 1
Ki g
, ,

n 37 4
m an 1 L oneI di 4 n an , 1 2

Ki y C l 44 L g f ll w
,

n ne o .
,
on 9 e o ,
22
K i pli g R ud y d 30 24 8 (letter) L t h d e
,
’

n ar , 2 o s 5 er s m n , 10

Kl b
, ,

e er, 1 0 2 L h
o t os , s 37 ec at , 2
Kl i b t w i h 3 58 L ui k V l g t ig 3 4
KO ig uE
e m g m
er a ree en t o s o n es re n, 0
L we H u
, ,

n l ld G he
st 7 o re t c n, 2 1 o r o se , t o

K L ubb k S i r J h
,

o ran s, of T gi 6 an e r, oc b k, o n, oo on an t
Krug Pr ide t
e r, es n 111 li f 83 e, 2

3 9 4 : 29 5 Lubi A b V ill g 9 7
a, ra a e,

40 8
 I NDEX
Luck w I di 7 8 M S 8
M qu I d 6
no , n a, 2 arm ora e 2
Lud wi g A hd uk 3 54
M i ll F
, rc e, ar es as s an s, 1
Lu z, 1 04 l di g f arse es , ra n c e, an n o

M i ll h h f j u i 3 75
k Ci 6
M ul Y 88
y a er ty , 1 21
9 ,

Mh l h v f 5 M u
ac a a 2 ars a ,
o n c ie s t ce ,
i
M la i S i Al d r Lieut Mu i i u 8
ac c a , ca e o ,
10 art e a , c an e rrc , 1 21

M i i h u h 3 3 39
ac n z e, r ex an e . a r t s, 2 2
,

M ki I l f 5
G fB l 76
M dH
ov . o en a 2 ax m s n t e ro ,
1 2, 9 , 4
6
MVihW MC lu
ac n ac s an o ,
24 a yn ar ,
o rac e 11
A b d
MF l
ac g ayn e, m ass a or, c re, 2 1

3g
,

Md 8
8
MI
2 c a r a n e, rs .
,
1 ,
20

Mf ki li f f 37 MM h T i 5
a r as , 2 2 c n t yre, 1

ul 66
Md l B 3 M 3
a e n g , re e o ,
2 c et ,
a n g e r co n s ,

M i Mdi
a en a ay, 4 ec c a , 24
67
Ml Mlb u D F i
ar a, 2 1 9 e t e rra n e a n , 10
,
ld
M l uk B M p hi H I G I
a t a, 1 1 2 e o rn e r. t zg era ,
2 2

M hi p f
am e e ey, 1 1 1 em s, at s oo se s 111
63
. .
,

Ki G dT
M l l p h 3 68 3 6
an n e m , er o rm an ce ng m erc e ran o w er, 1

Mu i b Mk T i
L 38
M C
e ar, 1 en t a t e egra y, , 9

M p l O i Vi
an sc r p ts y ar wa n erre y, a t 1
f H u kl b
.
,

A dv
“

M i 35
u en t res o c e erry et ro o e te ,
enn a, 2
Fi
!

Mi h l G d D uk f Ode
3r m, 12 e x co ,

A dv u f T
en t S res O om aw ye r, c ae ,
ra n e o ssa,

Mi g ld q u 8
3 12 8 0
C p i S fi ld Vi i '

Mi
a ta n t o rm e s s t to n e, o art z, 0
H v viii
,

T le A p li 7
Mi i
ea en , n erv a em p cro o s, 2
i h Eq u fI
,

F ll ow ng i 8
Mi l l
o 7 t e a t or, 2 0 ,
n s t er o n t er or, 1

3 6
Mi i i
7 2 21 2 9 4 1 0 37 n n e za i a , s t e a m e r, 4
I Ab
n n oc e n t sd 56 6 3
ro a 6 , 3 1, ,
2 ,
ss o n ar es , 1 0 ,
1 1, 1 ,
1 ,
21 , 2 ,
67
M
8 9 7 8
4 1 9 21 9 2
u p s F i i i p i Riv 3 6
h M
7 55
Mfl P l MT i
m m ro g . .
ss ss p er, ,
1 1
T i i i i 3 6
'
’

M Wh C up dH dl
o on t e ss ss p J , ,
1 1 o at t , am e a, . wa n s
i d h f3
Mh
an o orr te a eys s s t er, e at O , 92
bu 6 d L k u 39
M Pl i S h
’

M
rg , 21 o am m e s oo o t, 2
6 k b d hi p
M i uS vi ii M
y at o n 3 c w ee t 5 e ar t , 4 on ey o n o ar s , 4 2, 1
Th
M u I ll
ys t er o s 8 t ran ger, e, ,
on t a n a , 1 1

I dl E M
o n t ez m a, .
, 4
R bl i N f F ll 6
M 6 66
am o t es O on t m o ren c a s, 1 0
ng
y an e x
u i
M
-
c 3 7
rs o n , ,
12 oo rs , 4
R u hi 6
!

M Jh L 9
o g 7 33 3 ng t, 1 1, 1 , ,
12 o rg ue , 2 9

6 viii
Wh I M M
1 0 1, o rg an , o n .
,
11
viii ”

M h i Md 3
at s an ? o rm o n s , 1 1

P L d
M u A u li u 67 M 3 5
arc es ,
a am e , 20 ost , on on , 0
6 65
M i Th M
arc s re s, o ro c c o , 4,

M ie G d D u h f Ode3 8
M q u 65 9 7
ar a eres a, os e s , 1 0 2

M l 57
ar , ran c ess O ss a, os e. .

M i di
7
M
9 o t e y, 1
I d
M k T i b i p hy h p M D bu Li
ar n e
5 sas t e r, 2 u 7 o nt a, 4
P
M M
ar wa n, ogra 5 c a . y e t as a t erary ers on 2
LX V I 7 , y F 1 1 / k T i b Cl at xer, ar wa n, y ara
l d h
fa se ea t repo rt , 3 28 Cl em e n s , 3 1 4 , 3 99

4 9
0
 I NDEX
M ufi '
d w ith lv
O i es, M
oun t O f, 1 0 1
M
s ere ,
13
lv
O i et , 1 0 1
Mu t 7 14 9
1 49
h h h
Orn i t or yn c us , po m e f, 264
Mu d i h
ra ,
10 2 O
Rue 6 h
Ort o n , Art ur, 2 4 2
Mu Hill
t e
$
r ers n

rray ork, Ot t o, Arc hd k

u e , 3 54
di enn r to
l 94 P ac ifi c Ocean , 1 2, 1 9 , 2 6
P ig J W i v
a e, yp e tt i g
. . n en t o r t se n
N abl u
m S am ar a 9 6 i m hi 5 ac 3 23 5 n e, 20 21 1, 2 0 -

i viI ll ie i
s’
, , ,

Nai n ag i n H ol Lan d , 9 4 P le i 5 5 85 g
a s t n e, a, xi 2
y
, ,

Nap i e p nscr t on o n ri on um en t , P l i p edi i 3

a m st s
'
r c t on , 20
r
,

g‘ 1 P i vi ii
ar s,
o

” 7° P i P l i d I du t i S t
ii
’
ar s

po?
a as n s r e, .

’ 10 1 e d S k ull B i d
ero m o s
ture Bi gle o f 3 62
a eo n , , an ,
e
Na ul g Pl d la C o n e, ace e on
N at ure Boo k o f:3 62
,

,
d co r e ,
N at ure 3 at t i t ude 2 5 , P thar C l um 7
en o n o ns , 1
Vill ge P p t
Mi i
zare t h , a 10 2 ass or ,
22
New G i n ea, R d ss on ary ec or Pt a en t s , 2

8g
,
2 P t i ti 3 3
a r o sm ,
2
New O l B b T b t y oom P ki g n
éilli m
r e an s , o s, s or e n
f 6 P o
S u3 W le h e
o 1 en n , a ,
210
cw o i g
.
I a s, ors rac n , Pt ,e er 10 1
1
10 2
g P Pi
et er 3 R m e 70 .

iv ll d H c l iv d t
r so n i n o ,

New i ar o e ,
arr e a ,
P hil d el p hi 64
a a, 1

Phi e n 4 as , 1 0
Pi tu e q u i id t i Hi c y
c r s e nc en s n s or ,

84 1
Pi k w i k P p
c 85
c a ers , 1
k H b 53 5 8
New Y or ar o r, , Pi e 3
erc ,
1 0
k
New Y o r Pi t m i b u g N t l 293
Mem i
g 4 as sc n ers , 2 e er ar t z r ,
a a ,

i Pil e 9
Mu t 3 3
93 m es , 1 0 , o rs at ,
10
h ti k y 3 53
E
fL o esc e z ll m a g n

3V m 1 3
, , ,

N w Z l d
’
ea a n /g m i e 1
Pill i f F l gg
e , 1 1 s ro ess ,

N wme R an , 8 ev 1 0 zr o ll i 98 a at on ,
N w p p r C re p d t 5 9
e s a e or s on en , , , Pil ti g 3 4
o n . .

Pil t iv 3
o o, r e r,
Ni ag ara 3 0 0 P e t L u e 59
o a re a t
N i caragua I s t h m us o f
, ,

, , 3 2, 3 7 Ik y 9 69
x nr 2
Rep ubli 3 8, 4 1 c O f, P li i i 3 4
o t cs ,
. .

x, 1 ,
1
No ah s Arlt , 2 6 P lk 3
o 1 0
H e ,

g
o bles o us o f, 1 0
otes f 69 , 1 67 1 883
P l yg m y
o a ,
11
0 st,
Nudd, Asa,
P d t e O ff ed 4 2 243 3 28
on ,
rm s er ,
2 , ,

P i u Pil t 4 9
on t s a e, 1

h
O a u, 24
P t H t A
or ,
6 o r a, zo res , 1

Oa kle C
y, ap t Ned , 3 3 P H ud
o rt , 76 so n , 1
P l d O t di g
. .

E
m s an n roo

fr
o rt an re
afl m. 7 7
.
, ,

ly 247
P rt i t f M k Tw i 3 86
on .
“
Ol A d i lm ra , re tired Whale o ra O ar a n,

m an , 1 1 Pratt 81 W hi t y 1 76 ne ,

4 i ci
 INDEX
Serag lio G d ar en s, C
o ns t an t in op e,l St ories: Th e al forn an s Tale, 7 ; C i i ’

7 5. 32 Juam p 1 F rog . i5
S haka p em 3 1 6. S t ow e l i arri et Bcec e , 1 9 1
-

S trom bo li
.

S hec hem S am ari a , , s i gh t d e 7o

S h ellab aug er ud ge , 1 15 S uti rag e, un i vers al, 1 0 , 2 8
S h ep h eard s O t el, 1 1 1 S um at ra D ut c h se t t leine n t , 286
'

S herm an Ge n eral 1 85, ,

S un a h d L aw , 2 5 8
S herm a n Li fe o f p ro ves un p ro fi t de
S w e n , Qu e n e Ch i i
r s t n a, 33 9
S w ss thoro ug n ss , 3 3 1
, ,

able i he
Mi M
,
20 3
S herry, ss arg aret , t raine d S wi t zer an l d , 33 1
n urse ,3 83 Sw o rd fi s h 3I
S h i p s: Aj ax , 9 ; A m eri ca , 3 2 ; B en S yd n ey, Co m m erc i al B an king Co .
,
n i ngt an , 2 50 ; C ornet , 24 , 2 9 ; 25 1
Creek, 7 4 ; H orn et , 2 5, Sy i 84 , 86
M
r a,
i n neii a /i a , 3 7 , 4 1 ; Qua ker Szcze p an i k s '
d ig es n i ng m ac hi n e,
C ity. 6 1 ; S m yrn i ote. 2 3 . 24 ; p a t e n ts o n , 3 57
W
b Mu t 2
S an F ra ncis co, 4 1 ; arram oo,
Ta or, o n ,
10
S ilver i
Ti t w i sp i 63
, 30 p eces , 1 0 1 63 er,
S im o th t e an n er, 1 0 1 ar o n n a n,
6 3 vi ii
“
1 0! T j a h ] 79 a a 2 00
S k t he
, ,
e c ll t d 5 5
s , co ec e T yl a B y d t h f 47
or, a ar
ar ea o 1
F t K yW
, ’ ,

S m i th R well 74
, os ,
1 T l a or
,
or , e 49 es t
T vi di i 3 93
n yrn a B ay 83 e st on ,
p re 1
c t on 0 1
m yrn t ote 8 ! i p , 23 , 24 , T m pe t a t
e s6 3 se a, 2 2
the C l
,

S m y , ar le, T m pl A p li 7 ; H ul
73 ; M
e es: cro o s, 2 erc es,
S no wst orm , ali forni a, 8 i v 7 n er a, 2
Solo m on , 1 0 0 , 10 6 Te e n n s see
9
So lom o n 3 Tem p l e 1 0 0 , ,
10 1 T d l Fu g 4 3
erra e e o,
South A fri ca 2 ,
T it i l E t p i
err or a Vi gi i n er r se, r n a
S p ai n Tari f 3 1 1 3
, ,
N wp p e5 9 s a er .

S pe n cer f y 24 ,
Th m 1
e e,
S p hi nx 1 1 1 , 1 1 2, 1 1 3
, , ooo ues t ,
Th e, 33 6
S t am in at o 14 o m as O f 115
S t and ard Oil h k
T roc m orto n , S ir N c ihl o as , 1 5 1
S t an le y 2 1 0 ,
be i
Ti r us. 9 2. 9 3
S t at i s t i cs 1 4 ld
Ti en , 1 30
S t eam bo ait s
,

To ah i, 1 8
d
S te m an , d m un E
aren ce, Li d Cl Tod t ebe n , nera O f Ge l Sebas t opol
brary o f A m er can L t erature, i i é1
,

b e
To m , S t Ag n s , 1 0 1
b V i M
233 .

S t evens, Th ad 1 1 4 To m , irg n 10 1
tin , 1 61
, ,

S t ew art, Co nsul 1 54 he d
To w a i n fan t d
Tram p Abro a , A ,
,

S tew art Se n at or 1 1 4
, , d
S toc k to n 1 8 , v l
Trans aa , So ut h ia
fr c n
S todd ard Ch as W arre n 230 .
, pu bli 94 c, 2
S t o k er D i c k 7
,

T pp i t m
ra st e y 29 2 o n as r ,

S t o m ac h Cl ub viii
,

,
T t F l g hi p 54
ren o n , a s ,
1
S torm fi eld ( C ap t V i s it t o H eaven , . T ibu
r l n e, 3 e t t e rs , 1 1
vio

, 3 3 , 1 68 T i i t y C lleg 26
r n o e,
S torm s at Sea, 26, 3 2 , 44 , 5 2 , 62 Tro y. 7 3
4 12
 INDEX
l e C u ty 7
Tuo um n o n W as hb urn o f ll I
Tu ki h W i i
.
, ,

r s r t n s W as hi n g t o n 1 ,

Tu l w C
t t et o 5 7 n, a W as hoe Nev 1 6 2 1 , 24
Was i t H ea ven or H
, , ,

Tw i l t w ill 3 9 “ ”
a n 3 as 2 e llf , 3 78
Tw i p ubli h i g v W at e rspo ut 3 1
'
a n s u s n en t re n e ars
I
,

i d 3 t s en 20 W averl y a 8
W ayl an d Pro?F ran c i s 1 9 1
,

Tw i h ll R c J p h vi
e ,
e v. os e , ,
1 23 , , ,

1 25, 1 29 , 1 50 , We a t h er’ t em rat ures 5 2 ,

3 1 8. W ebb C h as , en ry 5 5 .
,

l
Ty er, 1 30 Weber s 1 8 ,

Typ ese t t n g i m ac hi n e, Web ster Ch arl es L 1 74 23 8

, , ,

W eddi n g A n n ivers ary 3 54 ,

Un i on , S acram ent o , 9 Welli n g t o n New Ze al an d s ail ed , ,

Un ter d e n L i n e n , 2 20 d fro m ,
2 62
ih
Ur a , 1 0 9 Wes t m i n s t er A bbey 1 29 ,

Wes t m i n s t er n o s an c t uary for

V ll i C li f P i H y 84
Wh t I M ? (
a ec t o , a r nce en r
d j k
.

V an N os t ran , ac , 7 2 , 84 y) viii
!
a s an st0 r

V an V alken be rg h , G e n , 2 1 . W hi m tF G 6
o re, 7 . .
,
22 ,
22
V en n or s red ic t io n , 1 59
’
W i lli
H t l Mu t R y l
am s , 1 1

V J Wi d
M t l C d 59
ern e, 8 es , 1 1 n so r o e o n o a ,

V l C k 74
ess e s , ree ,
o n re a ,
an a a, 1

Vi D l a o oros a, 1 0 1 , 1 0
9 Wi t d fi i i
, f 85
e n t on o ,
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