The LESSON

BY EUGEN IONESCO

MENAJERA: Good afternoon, miss!

ELEVA: Good afternoon, madame. Is the teacher home?
MENAJERA: Did you come for the lesson?
ELEVA: Yes, mam.
MENAJERA: Come in! One moment, I’m going to inform him you came. The pupil
has come. Please, come downstairs.
PROFESORUL: Thank you. I’m coming … Good afternoon, miss… you are, I suppose,
the new pupil, right?
ELEVA: Yes, sir. Good afternoon, sir. Have you seen I’ve come in time? I didn’t want
to be late.
PROFESORUL: That’s good, miss. Thank you, but you didn’t have to hurry. I don’t
know how to excuse myself for making you wait… I just finished to… right… I’m
sorry
ELEVA: No worries, sir. Does not matter, sir.
PROFESORUL: I apologies, I’m sorry… was it hard to find the house?
ELEVA: No… Not at all. I asked. Everyone knows you around here.
PROFESORUL: I’ve been living here for 30 years. I guess you haven’t lived here long.
How is it like for you?
ELEVA: I don’t dislike it. It’s a funny city, it has a nice park, one guest house, a
bishop, nice stores. Roads, boulevards…
PROFESORUL: That’s true, miss…though, I would like to live somewhere else. Paris
or maybe Bordeaux.
ELEVA: Do you like Bordeaux?
PROFESORUL: I don’t know, I’ve never been there.
ELEVA: But have you been to Paris??
PROFESORUL: Nor to Paris, miss. But, if you please, would you tell me, miss, the
capital of witch district is Paris?
ELEVA: Paris is the capital of… France?
PROFESORUL: Yes, miss, good job, wonderful, perfect. My congrats. National
geography is a piece of cake for you. You know all the capitals.
ELEVA: Ah! I don’t know them all yet, sir. It’s not that easy, it’s hard for me to learn
them all.
PROFESORUL: Oh, but it be ok… courage… miss… Excuse me, I’m sorry… Patience…
Slowly, slowly… you will see, everything is going to be ok…What a nice day today…
or, not, not a big deal…. Although it is… not too bad, this is important...aaa…aaaa
it’s not raining, nor snowing…
ELEVA: That would be astonishing. We are in the mid-summer.
PROFESORUL: Excuse me, miss, I want to draw your attention… You have to be
prepared for anything.
ELEVA: Of course, sir.
PROFESORUL: We can’t be sure of anything today, miss.
ELEVA: Snow is falling in the winter. Winter is one of the four seasons. The others
are…spring, summer and…. Aaaa…
PROFESORUL: It starts like “fell”, miss
ELEVA: Oh, yes…fall...
PROFESORUL: Exactly, miss, the answer is very good, perfect. I’m convinced now
you are a great student. You will progress quickly. You are intelligent. You seem
well -educated. You have a great memory…
ELEVA: I know all the seasons, doesn’t I?
PROFESORUL: Perfect, miss... or, maybe, you’re close. But we will fix it. Anyhow,
for the moment it’s ok. You will know all the seasons, with your eyes closed, like
me.
ELEVA: That’s so hard.
PROFESORUL: Oh, no. All you need is a little effort, determination, miss. You will
see. Everything will come out in time, don’t worry at all.
ELEVA: Only if you know how much I want it, sir. All I want is to study! Also, my
parents want to continue my studies, they want me to specialize. They say general
knowledge, nevermind how solid, it’s not enough these days.
PROFESORUL: Your parents are perfectly right, miss. You must continue your
studies. Excuse me for telling you, but this a quite necessary. Contemporany life
has became extremely complex.
ELEVA: Ah! And so complicated… Fortunately my parents are rich enough. They will
help me study, very syperior studies.
PROFESORUL: Do you want to give your…
ELEVA: As soon as possible, the first doctorate contest. It is in three weeks.
PROFESORUL: If you let me, do you have your baccalaureate?
ELEVA: Yes, sir. I have the science baccalaureate and the literature baccalaureate.
PROFESORUL: Wow, but you are really advanced, too advanced for your age. What
subject you want to get your doctorate? In material science or normal philosophy?
ELEVA: My parents wish, if you think that’s possible in such a short time, would like
absolutely to get the upmost doctorate.
PROFESORUL: The upmost doctorate?... You have a lot of courage, miss, I
congratulate you. We will try, to make it possible, miss. Anyhow you are already
too expert, for your age.
ELEVA: Oh, sir.
PROFESORUL: Well, if this is how things are, I’m sorry, but we must start right away.
There’s no time to waste.
ELEVA: Of course, sir, I want to from the bottom of my heart. Please!
PROFESORUL: Then I’d like you to take a seat… no, no... there… And I, if it is ok with
you, I will sit here.
ELEVA: Sure, sir. Please.
PROFESORUL: Thank you, miss. Greaat. Did you bring all books and notebooks?
ELEVA: Yes, sir. Of course. I have here everything I need.
PROFESORUL: Perfect, miss. Then, if you don’t mind… can we start?
ELEVA: Sure. mister, I’m all yours, sir.
PROFESORUL: All mine? Oh, miss, I am all yours. I’m only your servant.
ELEVA: Oh, sir.
PROFESORUL: If you got nothing against, we will…. I will… I will start with a quick
examination of your part and present knowledge, just to see what it is to be done
from now on… Good. What do you know about the perception of plurality?
ELEVA: Oh... It’s pretty vague, confusing
PROFESORUL: Good. Let’s see…
PROFESORUL: Let’s make some arithmetic, miss, if you have nothing against...
ELEVA: Sure, sir, this is everything I wish.
PROFESORUL: This is a pretty recent science, miss, a modern science, naturally
speaking is more of a method than a science…and at the same time a therapy.
Marie, did something happened?
MENAJERA: No, sir, I’m gonna go now...
PROFESORUL: Then hurry. Go, please, go back to your kitchen
MENAJERA: I’m going. But, be careful, sir. Be careful not to lose your mind.
PROFESORUL: You’re ridiculous, Marie. You worry for no reason.
MENAJERA: I know it better.
PROFESORUL: Please stop with the insinuation. I know perfectly how to act. I’m old
enough...
MENAJERA: Sir, it would be better not to start with arithmetics with the lady.
Aritmetics tire and annoy.
PROFESORUL: I repeat there is no reason. And, in the end it is not even your
business. It is my job, and I know how to do it.
MENAJERA: Fine, sir. Don’t you say I didn’t warn you?
PROFESORUL: Marie, I don’t need your advice.
MENAJERA: As you wish sir.
PROFESORUL: Excuse me, miss, for this ridiculous disconnection. She worries about
my health.
ELEVA: Oh, but you have nothing to excuse for, sir. This is a proof of devotion. She
cares for you from all her heart. You don’t find such devoted servants on every
street.
PROFESORUL: Nonsense, That’s a stupid fear. Let’s go back to our arithmetical
problems.
ELEVA: I’m following you, sir.
PROFESORUL: Let’s remain seated though!
ELEVA: As well as you, sir!
PROFESORUL: Good. Let’s arithmetisize a little!
ELEVA: With pleasure, sir!
PROFESORUL: Would you mind if I ask...
ELEVA: Not at all, sir!
PROFESORUL: How much is one plus one?
ELEVA: One plus one makes two.
PROFESORUL: Oh, but this is wonderful, perfect. I get the impression you got so far
with your studies. The upmost doctorate will be easy peasy.
ELEVA: I’m glad to hear this, mostly because it comes from you!
PROFESORUL: Let’s advance. How much is two plus one?
ELEVA: Three.
PROFESORUL: Three plus one?
ELEVA: Four.
PROFESORUL: Four plus one?
ELEVA: Five.
PROFESORUL: Five plus one?
ELEVA: Six.
PROFESORUL: Six plus one?
ELEVA: Seven.
PROFESORUL: Seven plus one?
ELEVA: Eight.
PROFESORUL: Seven plus one?
ELEVA: Eight... bis.
PROFESORUL: Very good answer. Seven plus one?
ELEVA: Eight third.
PROFESORUL: Perfect. Excellent. Seven plus one?
ELEVA: Eight quart, and sometimes nine.
PROFESORUL: Wonderful. You are wonderful, you are delicious. I congratulate you
from my heart, miss. There’s no point to continue, you are masterly at addition.
Let’s see how you handle subtraction. Tell me, if you are not too tired, how much
is four minus three?
ELEVA: Four minus three… four minus three? It is… seven?
PROFESORUL: Excuse me, but I feel obliged to disagree. Four minus three is not
seven. There is a confusion: four plus three is seven, four minus three is not seven…
we are done with addition, now we subtract.
ELEVA: ok… ok.
PROFESORUL: Four minus three is... How much? How much?
ELEVA: Four?
PROFESORUL: no, miss that’s not right.
ELEVA: Then, three.
PROFESORUL: No, miss... I’m sorry I have to tell you … this is not it… Four minus
three?
ELEVA: Four minus three... Four minus three... Four minus three?... wouldn’t it be
ten, right?
PROFESORUL: No way, miss. But you don’t need to guess, you must think. Let’s try
to find out together. Would you count?
ELEVA: Yes, sir. One...aaaa…. aaaa…. Two..., I always get confused at two.
PROFESORUL: How well do you know to count? Until how much do you know??
ELEVA: I know to count…until infinity.
PROFESORUL: This is not possible, miss.
ELEVA: Then, until sixteen, so to say.
PROFESORUL: It’s enough. We have to know where to stop. Count, please!
ELEVA: One…two...three... four...
PROFESORUL: Wait, miss. Which number is bigger? Three or Four?
ELEVA: Aa. Three or four? Which is bigger? Bigger that three or than four? In which
way bigger?
PROFESORUL: There are smaller numbers and bigger numbers. In the bigger
numbers are more units than in the smaller ones...
ELEVA: ... than the smaller numbers?
PROFESORUL: Besides the case when smaller numbers have smaller units. If they
are the smallest, there may be more units in the smaller numbers than the bigger
numbers… if we are talking about units...
ELEVA: In this case, smaller numbers might be bigger than the bigger numbers?
PROFESORUL: Let’s abandon this. If we are going this way, nobody knows where
will end up. Remember only that there are not just numbers, there are also... sizes,
sums, groups, piles, groups of plums, wagons, ducks and so on. Let’s consider we
only have equal numbers, then the ones with more units will be the bigger one.
ELEVA: The one with more units will be the bigger one? Oh, I got it, sir, you identify
quantity with quality.
PROFESORUL: It’s too abstract, miss, too theoretical. You don’t need to complicate
it for no reason. Let’s get back to our example and to think on this special case.
Let’s leave the general conclusions for later on. We have the number four and the
number three, each with an equal number of units, which number will be bigger,
the smaller number or the bigger number?
ELEVA: Excuse me, sir… What do you understand through the bigger number? The
one that is less small than the other one?
PROFESORUL: Exactly, miss, perfect. You understood me perfectly.
ELEVA: Then, it is four.
PROFESORUL: How is four? Bigger or smaller than three?
ELEVA: Smaller… no, bigger.
PROFESORUL: Excellent answer. How many units are between three and four?
ELEVA: There are no units, sir, between three and four. Four comes right after
three. There is absolutely nothing between three and four!!
PROFESORUL: Nu! I’m sorry, please forgive me... I didn’t make myself
understandable. It is only my fault. I didn’t make myself clear enough.
ELEVA: No, sir, it is my fault.
PROFESORUL: Look, you have here three matches. Plus, one, there are four. Look
carefully, you have four, I take one, how many do you have?
ELEVA: Five. If three plus one is four, four plus one is five.
PROFESORUL: This is not good. This is not good at all. You always tend to add. You
also have to subtract. You must not only to integrate, you also have to disintegrate.
This is life. This is philosophy. This is science. This is progress, civilization.
ELEVA: Yes, sir.
PROFESORUL: Let’s go back to our matches. We have four. Look, they are exactly
four. I take one, they remain just…
ELEVA: I don’t know, sir…
PROFESORUL: That’s not possible, think. I admit it isn’t easy, but you are smart
enough to make this little intellectual effort and understand. So?
ELEVA: I can’t, sir. I don’t know, sir.
PROFESORUL: Let’s take simpler examples. If you two noses, and I would snatch
one… How many noses would you have then?
ELEVA: None
PROFESORUL: How come none?
ELEVA: Well, that’s why I have one, because you didn’t snatch it. If you did, I
wouldn’t have had it anymore.
PROFESORUL: You didn’t understand my example. Let’s presume that you have
only one ear.
ELEVA: ok, so?
PROFESORUL: I will give you one more, how many will you have?
ELEVA: Two.
PROFESORUL: Good. I will give you another one. How many will you have?
ELEVA: Three ears...
PROFESORUL: I take one. You will have… how many ears?
ELEVA: Two.
PROFESORUL: Good. I take another one, how many would you have?
ELEVA: Two.
PROFESORUL: No. You have two, I take one, I eat it, how many you have left?
ELEVA: Two.
PROFESORUL: I eat one… one.
ELEVA: two.
PROFESORUL: One.
ELEVA: Two.
PROFESORUL: One!
ELEVA: Two!
PROFESORUL: One!!!
ELEVA: Two!!!
PROFESORUL: One!!!
ELEVA: Two!!!
PROFESORUL: One!!!
ELEVA: Two!!!
PROFESORUL: No. no. that’s not good. The example is not… not convincing. Listen
to me.
ELEVA: I listen. Sir.
PROFESORUL: You have… you have… You have...
ELEVA: Ten fingers!...
PROFESORUL: If you want. Perfect. Good. So, you have ten fingers.
ELEVA: Yes, sir.
PROFESORUL: Then, how many would you have, if you’ve had five?
ELEVA: Ten, sir.
PROFESORUL: This is not good!
ELEVA: It is, sir.
PROFESORUL: I tell you it is not!
ELEVA: But earlier you told me I had ten...
PROFESORUL: But right after, I’ve told you had only five!
ELEVA: I don’t have five, I have ten!
PROFESORUL: Let’s change the approach… we will limit the numbers from one to
five for subtraction. One moment, miss. you will see. Look, miss... do you see?
ELEVA: Yes, sir.
PROFESORUL: They are sticks, miss, sticks. Here is one stick, there are two sticks,
three sticks, then four sticks and five sticks. One stick, two sticks, three sticks and
five sticks, all these are numbers. When we count sticks, each stick is one unit,
miss… repet what I’ve said.
ELEVA:” one unit, miss… repeat what I’ve said.”
”
PROFESORUL: Or digits! Or numbers! One, two, three, four, five are counting
elements, miss.
ELEVA: Yes, sir. Elements, digits, which are sticks, units and numbers…
PROFESORUL: One and another… Actually, this is the whole secret of arithmetic.
ELEVA: Yes, sir. Ok, sir. Thank you, sir.
PROFESORUL: Then I would like you to count using these elements… add and
subtract...
ELEVA: Stick are so to say digits and numbers, units?
PROFESORUL: Hm... let’s say. And further on?
ELEVA: you can subtract two units from three units, but could you subtract two
twos from three threes? Or two digits from four numbers? And Three numbers
from one unit?
PROFESORUL: No. miss.
ELEVA: Why, sir?
PROFESORUL: Because, miss.
ELEVA: Because what, sir. Because ones are exactly the others?
PROFESORUL: This is it, miss. This is a thing that cannot be explained. It is
understandable through an interior reasoning. You have it, or you don’t.
ELEVA: This is it. This is it.
PROFESORUL: Look what, miss, if you do not success to understand these
principles, these arithmetical archetypes, you will never get to do right the work of
a polytheist. And under no circumstances, to be a teacher at Polytechnics…. Or the
upper studies kindergarten. I admit it is not easy, it is really, really abstract… but
how would you succeed, miss, without deeply studying the elementally notions, to
mentally calculate how much is- and this is a piece of cake for any medium level
engineer, miss- how much is three milliards seven hundred fifty-five million nine
hundred ninety-eight thousand two hundred fifty-one times five milliards one
hundred sixty-two million three hundred thee thousand five hundred eight?
ELEVA: it is nineteen quintillion, three hundred nighties quadrillions two trillion
eight hundred forty-four milliards, two hundred nighties millions one hundred
sixty-four thousand five hundred eight.
PROFESORUL: No. I don’t think so. It has to be nineteen quintillion, three hundred
nighties quadrillions two trillion eight hundred forty-four milliards, two hundred
nighties millions one hundred sixty-four thousand five hundred nine.
ELEVA: No … five hundred eight...
PROFESORUL: Yes, you are right. One hundred sixty-four thousand five hundred
eight. But how did you get the answer, if you don’t know the principles of the
arithmetical reasoning?
ELEVA: Simple. I couldn’t count on my reasoning, so I’ve learnt aby heart all the
possible answers to all the possible multiplications.
PROFESORUL: Incredible... Although, let my say, I’m not at all pleased and I’m not
going to congratulate you. In mathematics as well as in arithmetic especially, all
that counts- because arithmetic makes us always calculate- is over all,
understanding. You had to get the answer through a mathematical reasoning,
inductive and deductive at the same time, as any other answer. Mathematics is the
greatest enemy of memory, which is admirable, but arithmetically speaking it is a
disaster! So, I’m not glad… it is not working like that, not at all…
ELEVA: It Is not working, sir
PROFESORUL: Let’s leave this beside and move on to a different kind of exercise
MENAJERA: Sir...
PROFESORUL: Too bad, miss, that your special mathematics skill is so low… I’m
afraid you won’t be able to get you upmost doctorate...
ELEVA: Oh, I’m so disappointed, sir...
PROFESORUL: At least, you may…... (MENAJEREI) Leave me alone, Marie... (ELEVEI)
I’ll try to prepare you for the partial doctorate… Well, well. If you really want to get
your partial doctorate, we have to study...
ELEVA: Yes, sir.
PROFESORUL: the linguistics and compared philosophy elements ...
MENAJERA: No sir, no! Not this one! … No way!
PROFESORUL: Marie, are you out of your mind?
MENAJERA: Sir, under no circumstances, philology goes to what’s worst.
ELEVA: What’s worst? What does that mean?
PROFESORUL: Enough, Marie! Please
MENAJERA: Ok, sir, ok. But you should not say that I didn’t warn you. Philology
always gets to trouble
PROFESORUL: Marie, I’m a grown up!
ELEVA: You are right, sir!
MENAJERA: As you wish!
PROFESORUL: Let’s move on, miss.
ELEVA: Ok, sir
PROFESORUL: Please pay all your attention to the course I prepared…
ELEVA: I’m listening, sir.
PROFESORUL: Through which you can own, in only fifteen minutes the
fundamental principles of linguistics and compared philology of the Neo Spanish
languages.
ELEVA: Oh, sir.
PROFESORUL: Silence! What is this?
ELEVA: I’m sorry, sir.
PROFESORUL: Quiet. Well, miss, Spanish is the mother language of all Neospanish
languages, for example, Spanish, Latin, Italian, French, Portuguese, Romanian,
Sardinian or Sardanapalus, Spanish and Neo-Spanish- also, in some ways Turkish,
closer to Greek though, pretty obvious thing because Turkey is next to Greece, and
Grece is closer to Turkey than the distance between us now. You have here another
example of an extremely important linguistic law whch can prove that geography
and philosophy are twin sisters. It would be better if you take notes, miss
ELEVA: Fine, sir
PROFESORUL: What distinguish the Neo-Spanish languages one from another
and their dialects from other linguistic groups, such as Austrian group and Neo-
Austrian or Habsburg languages, as well as the Esperanto, Helvetic, Montagne,
Swiss, Andorran, Basque, Cap, as well as the diplomatic and technical language
groups- which distinguishes them, they say, is their striking resemblance, and it is
hard to distinguish one another - that is, the neo-Spanish languages between
them, Miss, which we are able to distinguish with the characteristics their
distinctive, absolutely indisputable proofs of the extraordinary similarity that
undoubtedly confronts their common origin and which at the same time
profoundly differentiates - by maintaining the distinctive features that we have
just spoken of.

ELEVA: Oooh! Yees, sir!

PROFESORUL: But let’s not lose ourselves in generalities…
ELEVA: Wow, sir
PROFESORUL: Looks like you are interested
ELEVA: Oh, yes, sir.
PROFESORUL: No worries, miss. We will come back to the later… or maybe we
won’t at all. Who knows?
ELEVA: Oh, yes, sir.
PROFESORUL: Find out from me, miss, in any language, remember this until your
clock stops ticking...
ELEVA: Oh! Yes, sir, until my clock stops ticking... Yes sir.
PROFESORUL: … this is another fundamental principle, miss, any language is in the
end just a language, which necessarily means it’s made out of sounds, or...
ELEVA: Phonemes...
PROFESORUL: This is exactly what I wanted to say. Please stop showing your
knowledge. You’d better listen
ELEVA: I listen, sir.
PROFESORUL: Sounds, miss, have to be cached while they are flying around, not let
to fall in the deaf ears. So, when you want to articulate, you have to, stretch your
throat and your chin, get on your tip toes... Yes, sir!
ELEVA: Yes, sir!
PROFESORUL: No, That’s not ok. Sit and don’t interrupt me… To emit, as I was
saying, the sounds with all the strength of your lungs combined with that of your
vocal cords. Like that “butterfly”, “Erika”, “Trafalgar”, “papi papa”. This way the
sounds full of warmer air lighter that the surrounding one, will float, float without
the risk of falling into the deaf ears, which are the true abysses, the true graves of
the sounds. If you emit more accelerating sounds, they will automatically cling to
each other, thus forming syllables, words, and even phrases, meaning more or less
important groups, purely irrational sounds, meaningless, but which is why they are
able to maintain themselves without risk at high altitude in the air. Only words
loaded with meaning, difficult by their meanings, words that always end by
perishing, collapsing…
ELEVA: ... into the deaf ears.
PROFESORUL: This is it, but don’t interrupt me…or they pop such as balloons. So,
miss. Is anything happen?
ELEVA: My tooth hurts.
PROFESORUL: Moving on.
ELEVA: ok.
PROFESORUL: To resume, you need years of practice to learn to pronounce. Thanks
to science, everything becomes possible in just a few minutes. To say words, sounds
and everything that comes to your mind, remember you have to let out all the air
from your lungs, without mercy, to let it back in delicately, gently kissing the vocal
cord, which at once, like a harp or the foliage in the wind, it vibrates, whistles or
whispers moving everything: the tongue, the mouth, the teeth…
ELEVA: My teeth hurt
PROFESORUL: …the lips... And finally the word go out through your nose, your
mouth, your ears, the pores, dragging after them all the organs I’ve just mentioned,
snatching them from their roots, on an impetuous flight, majestic, which is nothing
but the voice, modulate them in a song, or turn them into a terrible symphonic
hurricane accompanied by a whole set of flowers of all colors , sound fireworks:
labial, dental, occlusive, palatals and others, when comforting, bitter or violent.
ELEVA: That’s right, sir. My tooth hurts.
PROFESORUL: Moving on, moving on. Going back to Neo-Spanish languages, they
are so close that can be rightly consider cousins. Although, they have the same
mother: Neo-Spanish. Look why it is so hard to tell them apart. Look why it is to
mandatory that we pronounce them correctly, avoid the pronunciation flaws. The
pronunciation makes, it alone, as a whole language. A wrong pronunciation can
play tricks on us. About that, let my share with you a personal experience. I was
very young, almost a kid. I was in the army. There I had a colleague, a viscount, with
a very bad pronunciation defect. He couldn’t say “F”, instead of “F” he said “F”. So,
instead of “Fountain, I won’t drink from your water “he said “Fountain, I won’t drink
from your water”. He said “face”, instead of “face”, “fictory” instead of “fictory”,
March-April” instead of “March-April”, “Gerard de Nerval” and not the right way
“Gerard de Nerval”, “Mirabeau” instead of “Mirabeau and so on “etc.” instead of
“etc.”. Gladly he had a lot of hats, under which he could hide this defect, so good
you couldn’t even tell.
ELEVA: Ok, ok … my teeth hurt
PROFESORUL: Moving on.
ELEVA: My tooth hurts!
PROFESORUL: ...are all the same, with all their desinence, all the prefixes, all the
suffixes, all the roots...
ELEVA: Word roots are square?
PROFESORUL: Square or cubic. From case to case.
ELEVA: My tooth hurts.
PROFESORUL: Moving on. Look, here’s an example, take the word “head”
ELEVA: Take with what?
PROFESORUL: Whatever you want and don’t interrupt me.
ELEVA: My tooth hurts...
PROFESORUL: Moving on... Take the word “head”. Did you take it?
ELEVA: Yes, yes, I took it. My teeth, ah, my teeth…
PROFESORUL: The word “head” is the root of “heading”, as well as “forehead”.
“ing” is the suffix, “fore” is the prefix. Are called like that because they don’t
change. They don’t want to.
ELEVA: My teeth hurt.
PROFESORUL: Moving on. These prefixes are Spanish origin, hope you figured it
out.
ELEVA: Aa, my teeth hurt so bad
PROFESORUL: Moving on. Did you noticed, I hope, the didn’t change passing
between one language to another. Oh well, miss, find out that nothing makes them
change, not in Latin, nor in Italian, nor in Portuguese, nor in Sardanapalus, nor in
Romanian, nor in Spanish and not even in oriental: “head”, “forehead”, “heading
“the same exact word, always with the same root, same suffix, same prefix, in all
the mentioned languages.
ELEVA: In all languages these words mean the same?
PROFESORUL: Absolutely. In any case, we have always the same signification, same
form, same sound structure, not only for this word, but for all imaginable words in
any language. Because one and the same notion express the same word, just one
and its synonyms, in all countries. Stop the hell out with the teeth.
ELEVA: My teeth hurt. Ya, ya, ya.
PROFESORUL: Ok! Moving on! How do you say, in our language “Grandma’s roses
are as yellow as my Asian grandpa”?
ELEVA: They hurt, they hurt, my teeth
PROFESORUL: Moving on. Answer the question!!
ELEVA: In our language?
PROFESORUL: In our language.
ELEVA: AAA... to say in our language “My grandma’s roses are…”
PROFESORUL:” as yellow as my Asian grandpa.” ...
ELEVA: well in our language is, I think, “My … “- how do you say grandma?
PROFESORUL: In our language?” Grandma”
ELEVA:” My grandma’s roses are as …yellow” – is it “yellow” in our language?
PROFESORUL: Of course!
ELEVA:” as yellow as my grandpa when mad.”
PROFESORUL: No… “my a…”
ELEVA: ... sian grandpa” ... My teeth hurt
PROFESORUL: Corect!
ELEVA: They hurt…
PROFESORUL: The teeth... so what?... moving on! Now translate the same phrase
in Spanish and in Neo-Spanish
ELEVA: In Spanish it would be…” My grandma’s roses are as yellow as my Asian
grandpa”
PROFESORUL: No. you’re wrong!
ELEVA: And in Neo-Spanish: “My grandma’s roses are as yellow as mu Asian
grandpa”
PROFESORUL: Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. It’s exactly the other way around, you took
Spanish as Neo-Spanish and Neo-Spanish as Spanish… no … no… the other way
around.
ELEVA: You got confused.
PROFESORUL: You got me confused. Pay attention and take notes. I will tell you the
phrase in Spanish, then in Neo-Spanish and in the end in Latin. Repeat after me.
Pay attention there are a lot of similarities. There are identical similarities. Listen,
follow me with all your attention…
ELEVA: they hurt...
PROFESORUL: ... the teeth...
ELEVA: moving on... Auch!
PROFESORUL: ...in Spanish: “My grandma’s roses are as yellow as my Asian
grandpa”, in Latin “My grandma’s roses are as yellow as my Asian grandpa” Do you
see the differences? Translate it now in Romanian.
ELEVA: acai… How is “roses” in Romanian?
PROFESORUL:” Roses”. How else?
ELEVA: Is it not “roses”? Ah… my teeth hurt so bad…
PROFESORUL: No way, because “roses” is the translation in orient of our word
“roses”, in Spanish “roses”, do you get it? In Sardanapalus “roses”.
ELEVA: Excuse me, sir, but … my teeth hurt so bad… I can’t see the difference.
PROFESORUL: But it is so simple! So simple! You only need some experience,
technical experience and practice of these different languages, so different besides
the fact they are completely identical. I will try to give you a hint…
ELEVA: My teeth hurt…...
PROFESORUL: The difference between these languages is not the words, that are
exactly the same, nor the phrase structure, which is the same, nor the intonation
which has no difference and nor the speaking rhythm. The difference between
them is… do you listen to me?
ELEVA: My teeth hurt.
PROFESORUL: Do you listen to me, miss? Aaa… you’re going to get in trouble!
ELEVA: You bore me, sir! My teeth hurt!
PROFESORUL: Fuck you with your teeth and all! Here me out!
ELEVA: Ok…ok… keep going!
PROFESORUL: The difference between them is, on one hand, Spanish and on the
other… is…
ELEVA: What is?
PROFESORUL: Is something ineffable. An ineffable that you can only feel after a
long time, very hard and after a long experience...
ELEVA: Really?
PROFESORUL: Yes miss. I can’t give you any rule. You just have to feel it. Just to feel
it. But to feel it you have to study, to study and to study again.
ELEVA: Ouch, my teeth!
PROFESORUL: There are though two solid cases in which the words differ from a
language to another, …but we can’t count on that, because these cases are, so to
say, exceptions.
ELEVA: Really?
PROFESORUL: Don’t interrupt me! Don’t make me lose my mind! What was I
saying?... Oh, yes, exceptions, which are easy to tell apart… or simple… or
convenient… if you prefer… I repeat “if you prefer because I see you are not
listening to me anymore…
ELEVA: My teeth hurt.
PROFESORUL: I repeat, in some phrases, common used, some words differ from
one language to another, so that the used language is easier to identify. For
example, Neo-Spanish expression: “My country is Neo-Spain” becomes in Italian:
“My country is...” ...”
ELEVA:” Neo-Spain”
PROFESORUL: No! “My country is Italy” Tell me by simple deduction, how do you
say “Italy” in French?
ELEVA: My teeth hurt.
PROFESORUL: This is so simple: for the word “Italy”, we have in French the word:
“France”, which is its exact translation. So “My country is France”. And “France” in
Oriental is “Orient”, and “orient” in Portuguese is “Portugal”! and so on...
ELEVA: I got it! I got it! They hurt…
PROFESORUL: The teeth! Oh, These teeth!... I will snatch them all!
ELEVA: Oh my god, my teeth!
PROFESORUL: Shut the hell up!
ELEVA: You shut up, you, loggerhead!
PROFESORUL: Fuck you!
PROFESORUL: The most… paradoxical… yes… this is the word… thing is that a bunch
of people lacking the most basic education speak these different languages… Do
you hear me? What did I just said? The most paradoxical thing is that a bunch of
people…
ELEVA: ... speak these different languages. Do you hear me? What did I just say?
PROFESORUL: This time you got away! Simple people speak Spanish mixed up with
a lot of neo-Spanish without even noticing, imagining they speak Latin… or they
speak Latin mixed with all sorts of oriental word, imagining they speak Romanian….
Or Spanish with… Do you get it?
ELEVA: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! What do you want from me...?
PROFESORUL: Take care or I will slap you! Instead of chasing you tail while I smoke
my lungs… you’d better open your ears… I don’t need to take my partial doctorate…
I have it, for long… and the upmost doctorate… and the overupmost diploma...
don’t you understand I want the best for you?
ELEVA: Is my wisdom tooth growing?
PROFESORUL: No, you are ill-mannered… It is not working this way anymore, it is
not working at all… Ok, miss… I will try to teach you all the word for “Knife” in all
languages.
ELEVA: Do whatever you want… What does it matter
PROFESORUL: Marie! Marie! She’s not coming... Marie! Marie! What is this? When
I call you, you should come!! I order here!!, This one understands nothing. (Iese)
MENAJERA: Calm down, sir. Where do you want to get? Don’t you realize?
PROFESORUL: I know where to stop...
MENAJERA: That’s what you always say. I’d like to see it this time.
ELEVA: My teeth hurt.
MENAJERA: See, it already started. This is the symptom.
PROFESORUL: Which symptom? Say it. What do you want to insinuate?
ELEVA: What do you want to say? My teeth hurt...
MENAJERA: The final symptom. The Great symptom.
PROFESORUL: Nonsense, nonsense. Pay attention. I called you to bring me the
Spanish, the Neo-Spanish, the Portuguese, the French, the Oriental, the Romanian,
the Sardanapalus, the Latin and the Spanish knife.
MENAJERA(severă): Don’t count on me!
PROFESORUL: Look, miss, a knife. Too bad it’s only one, but we will try to use it in
every language. It is enough to say “Knife” in all languages, fix the object and
imagine that it is the one in the language you speak.
ELEVA: My teeth hurt
PROFESORUL: Common say it. “knife” … “knife” and fix it with your eyes…
ELEVA: What is this? French, Italian, Spanish?
PROFESORUL: It does not matter anymore… Say: “Kni”
ELEVA:” Kni”
PROFESORUL: ...” fe” ...
ELEVA:” fe” ...
PROFESORUL: one more time… Look at it!
ELEVA: oh no! Damn it! I’ve had enough. And my teeth hurt, my feet hurt, my head
hurts...
PROFESORUL: “Knife” ... Look at it!” Knife” ... Look at it!” Knife” ... Look at it!
ELEVA: My ears hurt too. I don’t like your voice!
PROFESORUL: Say: “Kni...fe”
ELEVA: No! my ears hurt., everything hurts...
PROFESORUL: I’ll break them for you! I’ll tear them apart and they won’t hurt you
anymore!
ELEVA: Au… they hurt because of you...
PROFESORUL: Say: “knife”
ELEVA: well, if you insist…” knife”.”
PROFESORUL: Look at it and repeat! “Knife…Knife…. Knife”
ELEVA: oh my god it hurts… my head… my eyes…
PROFESORUL:” knife… knife...”
PROFESORUL: Repeat… repeat…” knife…knife””
ELEVA: It hurts… my neck ...knife…my shoulder… my tits... knife...”
PROFESORUL: “Knife…Knife…. Knife”
ELEVA: My hips...” knife...” knife”
PROFESORUL: “Knife…Knife…. Knife”
ELEVA:” knife...” my neck...
PROFESORUL:” “Knife…Knife…. Knife”
ELEVA:” knife...” my shoulders... my arms, tits, hips... “knife...knife”
PROFESORUL: Now it is correct...
ELEVA:” knife” … tits… belly…knife
PROFESORUL: The knife kills
ELEVA: The knife kills?
PROFESORUL: Slacker! You deserved it… Ah! I can barely breathe …aah!
PROFESORUL: Oh my god!! What have I just done? Miss… miss... the lesson is over…
you can go now… Don’t worry you pay another time… Oh my god! She’s dead…and
this is my knife… She’s dead…Marie! Marie! Marie! My sweet heart, come! I need
you! Marie! Ah! Wait… Don’t come… I changed my mind… I don’t need you, Marie…
I don’t need you ...
MENAJERA: Well, are you pleased with your student?
PROFESORUL: Yes, the lesson is over, but she … she is still here… she doesn’t want
to leave…
MENAJERA: Don’t you say...
PROFESORUL: Not me... Not me… Marie… No… I swear... Not me… Marie, my dear…
MENAJERA: The who? Me?
PROFESORUL: I don’t know…maybe...
MENAJERA: Maybe the cat!
PROFESORUL: Maybe… I don’t know...
MENAJERA: And it is the fortieth today! Everyday it is the same! Everyday! Aren’t
you ashamed? You will get sick! You won’t have any pupils. Don’t you ever learn?
PROFESORUL(iritat): It’s not my fault! She didn’t want to learn! She didn’t listen to
me! She was a stupid student! She doesn’t want to learn!
MENAJERA: Liar!...
PROFESORUL: It’s none of your business…Forgive me!
MENAJERA: You little killer! Bandit! You wanted to kill me too? Am I one of your
students? And if I didn’t tell you earlier… arithmetic goes to philology, philology
goes to murder
PROFESORUL: You said: “trouble”
MENAJERA: It’s the same thing.
PROFESORUL: The I understood it wrongly. I thought “Trouble” is a city, and you
wanted to say philology goes to the Trouble city…
MENAJERA: Liar! A savant like you won’t get the words wrong. It doesn’t work with
me!
PROFESORUL: I didn’t want to kill her!
MENAJERA: At least, are you sorry?
PROFESORUL: Oh, yes, Marie, I swear I’m sorry!
MENAJERA: I pity you, what can I do? After all you are a good guy! Well will try to
solve it somehow. Just don’t do it again... You might get heart sick!
PROFESORUL: Yes, Marie! What is to be done now??
MENAJERA: We’ll bury her… with the other thirty-nine... a total of forty coffins. We
call the funeral pumps, we also order some crowns.. And you’re going to bury
them… you are some kind of pope, judging from what the people say around here...
PROFESORUL: yes, Marie… Watch out not to be too expensive those crowns. She
didn’t pay the lesson.
MENAJERA: None of them payed.
PROFESORUL: And if the police stop us? With forty coffins… can you imagine… If
they ask what is inside?
MENAJERA: We’ll tell them they’re empty
PROFESORUL: Thank you, Marie, my love!
MENAJERA: Good afternoon, miss! Did you come for the lesson?

The END