Don’t Drown in Data

Using Trait Based Language to Give Bite-Sized Feedback

Ideas
Strong

 Your paper is focused and stays on topic. Your idea is strong.

 You selected interesting, specific details that show how much you understand about this topic.
They make your idea clear.
 The details you selected are accurate and make good sense. Your idea is supported well.
 Thank you for adding your own fresh and original way of thinking about this topic. It brings your
ideas to life.
 You’ve made your idea clear by thinking about what the reader needs to know. Thanks for not
leaving me with unanswered questions.
 The way that you zeroed in on what is really important about this topic makes the idea very
interesting to me as a reader.

Developing

 Your topic is fairly broad. To make your idea clear, you need to narrow the topic.
 This paper is heading in the right direction, but it’s pretty general. Your idea is developing.
 You’ve danced around the core idea of this piece. Ask yourself, “What is this piece about?” and
add information to make that one specific idea come to life.
 Thank you for adding details, but try adding some that are specific and show the depth of your
understanding of this idea.
 I can tell this was an interesting topic for you, but it’s still fairly general. Add specific examples
from your own experience or reading to make the idea work a little better.
 I have two particular questions as I read this piece: #1: ____ and #2 ____. Please answer them
in your next draft to make the idea easier for me to understand.
 You have a topic, but I’m not sure you’ve decided the main theme for this piece yet. Ask
yourself, “What is this piece all about?” Zero in on that idea on the next draft.

Not Yet

 I’m confused about what you are writing about. You have potential ideas here, but they aren’t
working on their own yet.
 Pick one idea from your paper to write about in more detail. Save the others for writing about
later.

KIPP NYC From 100 Trait-Specific Comments by Ruth Culham

Writing
Project 1
  You’ve stated the topic. Now, think about what readers would find interesting or fascinating
about this topic and idea and write about that, including details and examples.
 There’s just not enough information here to make your idea clear. Can you add some
interesting details or examples?
 I’m sure you have ideas of your own about this topic. Think about adding details or information
that only you know, showing the reader why it is important to you.
 Read back through your paper and circle the most important moment. Add more information
about that part to make your main idea stand out.
 You have a collection of miscellaneous pieces of information here. Keep the ones that go with
the topic, or main idea, and get rid of the rest.

Organization
Strong

 The way you laid out all of the information so logically, with a strong beginning, middle and
ending made this piece a pleasure to read.
 Your introduction drew me right in. Your ending left me thinking. That’s stellar organization.
 I appreciate the way you use transitions to show how one idea connected to the next. The
organization works well in your paper.
 Thank you for creating an organizational structure to this piece that shows effective use of
sequencing. Your details fell into place logically.
 I appreciate how you moved me through the piece, slowing down when necessary and speeding
up to move things along. You understand pacing and that makes strong organization.
 Interesting title! I wanted to read your piece the minute I saw it. That’s effective organization.
 Your idea stands out because the organization supports is so well. Thank you.

Developing

 You have the basics down for a beginning and ending. Now, come up with a way to start and
end that is attention grabbing and thought provoking to make the organization even better.
 I see where you are going most of the time. However, a few sentences confuse me, such as
(indicate them). I’m not sure how these connect and it makes your organization a little
unsteady.
 You have a structure in mind, but it’s so obvious that it’s distracting. Almost every sentence
starts with “then” or “next”. Can you be more subtle and thoughtful as you organize your ideas?
 The pacing usually works. However, there are some spots where you could slow down and give
the reader an in-depth look at one or more ideas such as (indicate two places) to strengthen
your organization.
 Your title clearly tells what this piece is about. Now, how about trying for something a little
more original to support the organization of your piece?

KIPP NYC From 100 Trait-Specific Comments by Ruth Culham

Writing
Project 2
  You’ve got a good sense of organization in this piece, but let’s try moving some things around to
make it flow even more smoothly and logically.

Not Yet

 I’m not sure how all these details fit together. Let’s work on putting them in an order that
makes sense in your next draft.
 Begin your piece with a specific lead that makes the reader want to keep going. At the end, give
the reader something to think about. This will help your overall organization.
 Can you tell me what you wanted to show with these two details, (list them)? I’m not sure how
they go together and that weakens your organization.
 Putting this piece in an order that makes sense to the reader is a good goal for the next draft
and will make the organization more effective.
 Think about how long you should spend at each place in the writing to make the organization
work well. If it’s an important part, slow down. If it isn’t, speed through it.
 Ooops. You need a good title. Your organization will be stronger with a good title.
 I’m struggling to see how the pieces of your writing fit together. Let’s work on organization.

Voice
Strong

 This piece sounds like you. It really sings out with your voice.
 You’ve selected just the right tone for this kind of writing. Your voice is matched perfectly to
this purpose and audience. Good work.
 It’s easy to see how engaged you were with this topic. Your voice is expressive in just the right
way.
 By trying a new way to approach your topic, your unique style and voice shine through.
 I can feel how committed you are to this topic. It’s exciting to read something that the author
really cares about. Your voice brings the topic to life.
 The emotion in this story rings true. The voice is personal and engaging. Way to go.

Developing

 This piece is on the verge of being truly expressive. Don’t be afraid to say what you really think
and feel. To have strong voice, you have to go for it.
 To make your voice stronger, look for places where you have hidden behind obvious statements.
Come up with a clearer way to say things and use your own examples.
 This piece is nice. And that’s not so bad, but it could be more powerful. Try finding a place to
add more punch and energy, and see if it doesn’t improve the voice of your writing.
 I hear your voice (indicate two places) but then it fades away. Can you add voice to more places
in your writing?

KIPP NYC From 100 Trait-Specific Comments by Ruth Culham

Writing
Project 3
  Do you know enough to engage the reader on this topic? Your credibility as an expert here is
important from beginning to end if the piece is to have strong voice. Consider doing more
thinking and research, if necessary.
 I’m sure there are things you could tell me about this story to make it unique and allow me to
see it through your eyes. Adding that information will contribute to voice.

Not Yet

 Who did you expect to read this piece? Is this the right voice for that reader? Make sure to think
about your reader as you write.

It’s important to bring the topic to life. Figure out the most important part in this piece and add energy
and punch with a specific example or detail; that will create voice.

 You’ve played it very safe here. I’m excited to read your next draft where you show what you
really think and feel about this topic. That is what will add to the voice.
 Remember that readers may not always know the same words as you. Use words and phrases
that make it easy for the reader to feel how much this topic means to you and why. This will
establish your voice.
 I’m not sure how you feel about this topic. Do you like it? Dislike it? Think it is fun? Take a stand
to create voice on your next draft and sell your position to the reader.

Word Choice
Strong

 Your words are just right in this piece. I especially like ___ and ___.
 Thank you for choosing your words with such care. They are accurate and specific.
 You have some words in this piece that really catch my attention such as ___ and ___. They
helped me see what you were writing about very clearly.
 The natural sound to your words and phrases makes this piece strong in word choice.
 Your lively verbs such as ___ and ___ make this piece come alive. Good use of specific nouns
and adjectives for strong word choice, too.
 You’ve spent time thinking about which words to use to make the meaning clear. Thank you.
 I like how you put these words together, (name a few phrases). The way you phrased your
thoughts on this topic shows strength in word choice.

Developing

 You use your words correctly, but they lack specificity. Try ____ instead of ____, for instance.
 I understand what you are saying in a general way. Try a new way to express your idea that has
some original wording to liven up the text.

KIPP NYC From 100 Trait-Specific Comments by Ruth Culham

Writing
Project 4
  Thank you for trying some new words. However, several of these words don’t fit, such as ___,
___ and ___. Try to find more accurate words to use here.
 The words in your piece make sense, but they don’t have much energy or punch except for ___
and ___. Can you revise to make more words specific and interesting?
 On the next draft try adding an active verb such as ___, a noun that is specific, such as ___ and a
colorful adjective or two to make your words stand out.
 You have shown how to use words well here ___ and here___. Can you revise the words in the
rest of the piece so they are just as strong?
 On a first draft, it’s fine to write with ordinary words or to repeat words. On the next draft,
think about changing the words and phrases to be specific, interesting and precise.

Not Yet

 I’m not sure what you are writing about because the words that you have chosen are unclear.
 You’ve used some words incorrectly, such as __ and ___, and that makes your piece difficult to
understand.
 Think about who you are writing for and make sure to choose words that work for this audience.
 There isn’t a lot of evidence yet that you have enough words to make your idea clear. Try
stretching for some new ones in the next draft.
 Can you think of a different way to say this using a couple of really wonderful words that make a
picture in the reader’s mind?
 On the next draft, consider coming up with your own, original way to express this idea without
repeating the same words or falling back on tired, old words.

Sentence Fluency
Strong

 Your piece has a nice easy flow and rhythm. I appreciate how you’ve crafted the sentences so
carefully. It’s a pleasure to read your writing aloud.
 The way you constructed your sentences helps me connect with the most important parts of
your writing. You really show sentence sense.
 Thank you for using sentences of different lengths. This variety makes reading your piece a
pleasure.
 You’ve begun your sentences in different ways, which gives your writing a pleasant rhythm and
cadence. Well done.
 I appreciate how you connected one part of the sentence to the other. You show strength in
how to carefully construct sentences- not an easy task for writers at any age.
 It was a breeze to read this piece aloud. Your sentences work so well that I had no trouble
hearing a natural and pleasing sound and tempo.

Developing

KIPP NYC From 100 Trait-Specific Comments by Ruth Culham

Writing
Project 5
  The sentences in this piece are mostly correct, but they need variety to add interest and rhythm.
 Your sentences are build correctly, but they lack creativity. Try making some longer or shorter.
Read your writing aloud and revise to make them sound more fluent.
 I appreciate how your sentences have all the right parts and are complete.
 Your sentences don’t always begin the way, which is a positive. Go for even more variety on the
next draft.
 I got lost a few times understanding why one sentence followed the one before. Try adding
more connecting words and phrases on your next time through this piece.
 Although I had to stop and reread part of the text, other sections had sentences that were
smooth and easy to read aloud.

Not Yet

 It’s difficult to understand where your sentences begin and end.

 Your sentences all sound the same, and several are not complete. Try for a more natural sound
when reading them aloud.
 I’m not sure where the sentences begin and end on this draft. Try reading it aloud and adding
punctuation to tell the reader when to pause.
 Almost all of your sentences begin in the same way; the pattern is not as effective as sentences
that begin differently. Try a couple new beginnings and see if they become more fluent.
 There are so many and’s, but’s or so’s that I have a hard time catching my breath. Try breaking
these longer pieces into smaller sentences.
 It’s hard to read this piece aloud. I get lost. Let’s work on finding where the sentences go so it’s
easier to read aloud on the next draft.

Conventions
Strong

 Only minor editing is needed to get this piece ready to share. It’s very cleanly edited. Nice work
with conventions.
 Your spelling is handled very well, even on difficult words.
 The punctuation on your piece guides me through the text. Thank you.
 You’ve used capital letters effectively and with skill.
 The grammar in your piece is correct and gives your piece the “just right” sound.
 The paragraphs are in the right places and show good use of indenting skills. Nice work.
 I appreciate how you’ve tried to use conventions to add style to your writing and give the piece
some added interest. Your piece is ready to go public.

Developing

KIPP NYC From 100 Trait-Specific Comments by Ruth Culham

Writing
Project 6
  Some strength in conventions is present, but there are other conventions that need cleaning up,
too.
 Most of your high-frequency words are spelled correctly, but you’ve missed on some others.
 Thank you for adding end punctuation. Try adding punctuation inside the sentences, too.
 Good work on capitalizing at the beginnings of sentences and on the obvious proper nouns.
Next time, think of additional words that should or should not be capitalized.
 There are a few places where the grammar needs attention, such as (indicate two places), but
mostly it’s working effectively.
 On a piece this long, you will want to break the writing up into a few paragraphs. Look for a
logical place to start a new paragraph.
 A moderate amount of editing is needed here to get this ready for your audience to read and
enjoy. Go back through and look again for conventions you can fix.

Not Yet

 There are quite a few spelling problems on this draft. Check back through and look for high-
frequency words that you can spell correctly on the next draft.
 You need to add the missing punctuation. Try reading your piece aloud and listening for where
to add periods and commas.
 Think about the basics of capitalization: on the first word of the sentence and on proper nouns.
Check back through for use of capitals on this draft and mark them for next time.
 Find the subject of each sentence and be sure the verb is singular or plural to match.
 You got so interested in what you were writing that you forgot to show the paragraphs. Don’t
forget them in your next draft.
 I had to stop and try to sort this text out before I could read it. You will need to clean up the
conventions on the next draft so it’s easy for the reader to understand what you are saying.

Presentation
Strong

 You took great care to create a finished, final copy that looks neat and is visually pleasing. The
presentation is very appealing to the eye.
 Your handwriting is neat and legible. All your letters are easy to read.
 The font you chose is clear and the size works well for the amount of text you have on the page.
 The way you used the white space on the page really makes the text stand out clearly.
 You added some nice markers (like bullets, side headings, numbering) to make it easy for me to
figure out how the parts of this text go together.
 I appreciated how you’ve added (pictures, graphs, charts) to make the piece even more
interesting to look at and appealing to the eye. Nice work with presentation.

KIPP NYC From 100 Trait-Specific Comments by Ruth Culham

Writing
Project 7
Developing

 It’s clear that you thought about how this finished piece should look, although it will take a little
more time to make the final copy as neat as possible. Your presentation still needs work.
 I don’t have problems reading your handwriting, but some of your letter shapes are not
standard.
 I like how you’ve tried to experiment with fonts and sizes’ some of them are more clear than
others, however. Try to make your entire piece very clean and readable on the next copy.
 Don’t forget that margins should frame the whole piece of writing, not just one side.
 Try adding some additional markers (bullets, side headings, numbering) to make the writing
stand out even more on the next copy.
 Thanks for adding some visual elements to the piece. On the next draft, consider adding color
and detail to the pictures and illustrations to make the presentation more effective.

Not Yet

 Your letter shapes and slant run together and are difficult to sort out. Try standardizing the
letters on the next copy.
 Oh my. This is a lot of different fonts on one piece; they are hard to read. Select one to use on
this piece, and try another one another time.
 The spacing on this piece is uneven and try to figure out. Can you make it more even next time?
 I’m not sure you’ve shown the reader how one section connects to the next. Try using some
markers such as bullets, side heads, or numbering to show the relationship.
 I found the overall look of your piece hurried and careless. Slow down and think about how to
make your paper easy to present on the next draft.

KIPP NYC From 100 Trait-Specific Comments by Ruth Culham

Writing
Project 8