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What are three key ways to understand unprovoked anger?
Published on August 22, 2013 by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. in Evolution of the Self

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Were there times when another person’s anger seemed

unreasonable to you? Exaggerated? Clearly disproportionate
to what the situation might warrant? For that matter, have there
been times when the intensity, or duration, of your own anger
took you by surprise? This post will explain why all anger —
though frequently almost impossible to fathom when it occurs—
can yet be grasped as rationally based.

Below are three key ways to understand presumably overblown

anger. Though instances of such eruptions may not seem particularly logical, they may be totally
understandable psycho-logically. And becoming more aware of the origins of another person’s anger
can make all the difference in helping them get beyond it.

Evolution of the Self

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1. The angry person was already frustrated, disappointed, irritated, etc. by something you said or did
—but keeping a stiff upper lip, held their fire. Why? Probably because their reinforcement history
What are three key ways to
“programmed” them to avoid conflict whenever possible. Still, this latest provocation in a series of felt understand unprovoked anger?
provocations may—however petty in itself—have been more than enough to set them aflame. Though
they refrained from expressing it earlier, their anger build-up was well underway before this latest
Don’t assume that someone
perceived affront. offering you advice is doing so just
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closeness, & painful feelings.
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So it always makes sense to ask them—non-

confrontationally!—exactly how you made them so Current Issue
annoyed. And additionally, whether anything might
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have happened to them beforehand that they also Differently
experienced as insulting, disturbing, or otherwise The key to satisfaction lies w ithin risk
offensive. See whether they might be willing to
MORE FROM THIS ISSUE
provide you with a broader context for their being so agitated. It makes
ISSUE ARCHIVES
little sense to question the legitimacy of their anger because, in the
moment, their subjective sense of having been provoked will almost SUBSCRIBE
always feel normal, logical, or justified.

3. Your behavior, however innocent, may have have reminded them,

however unconsciously, of past circumstances that caused them to
become irate or enraged—but which, at the time, they couldn’t adequately
“process” or “complete.” Psychoneuroimmunologists such as Candace
Pert (Molecules of Emotion, 1999) have shown that emotions actually
have a physical existence—as neuropeptides residing chemically inside
us. And, dormant but not dead, they’re just awaiting opportunities to be
revivified.

Consequently, any present-day experience falsely identified by the

“molecularly sensitized” individual (or, more psychologically, their
incensed “inner child”) as replicating a past experience may be quite
enough to stir up old (frequently very old) unrectified feelings. Which is
why sometimes the most minor incitement—tapping into deeper issues
that still remain charged—can compel them to react with a fervor that
goes considerably beyond the current provocation. For now their former
anxiety, sense of inferiority or shame no longer hinders them from letting
loose an anger directly linked to their erroneous “de-construction” of the
present situation as grossly unfair to them.

If in the moment you’re able to calm them down and get them to explore
the dynamics of their anger, it’s essential that you inquire about what
other feelings your words or actions might have induced in them. Here the
single most important thing you can do is to validate the hurt feelings that
probably underlie their unexpected outbreak. For their seemingly
excessive anger toward you probably stems from old feelings related to
being disregarded, disrespected, distrusted, devalued; or made to feel
powerless, unacceptable, or unlovable.

And given such an overwhelming biologically-grounded impulse on their

part to defend their vulnerability through anger, it’s finally irrelevant
whether what just happened meaningfully links to what happened to them
in the past. For the current circumstance might be only coincidentally, or
peripherally, connected to an anger they’ve possibly suppressed since
childhood. And in such cases, though the person’s attacking energy is
unquestionably directed at you, it really has very little to do with you.

So if you experience yourself as

“trapped” in a situation like this and

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8/26/13 Anger Always Makes Sense | Psychology Today
sense that you’re not really the
cause of the angry person’s flare-
up but have accidentally triggered
it, the best thing to do is not to
trade verbal punch for punch,
archly defend yourself, or leave the
abusive scene altogether. Rather,
endeavor to stay calm and ask the
angry person whether they might
help you better understand just how they construed your words or actions
—since your motives (so far as you can understand them) were benign.
Such an empathic response to their outburst may well catch them off
guard. And since we all need to feel listened to and taken seriously, their
anger toward you is likely to soften.

And if, through much tact, restraint, and self-control, you continue to
“contain” the situation, the probability increases that they’ll begin to reflect
on what so provoked them—beyond, that is, anything you yourself did to
them. While it’s hardly advisable to “psychoanalyze” them (for they’d
probably perceive such an “intervention” as patronizing), you can
certainly ask them who, or what, your irritating behavior may have
reminded them of.

Ultimately, in all three instances I’ve provided of anger that (presumably)

is exaggerated, irrational, or misplaced, it can be seen that the emotion
does have firm roots in reality. Just not in any here-and-now reality. It’s
also safe to assume that if you can understand something of the origins
of the other person’s outburst, in virtually all cases you’ll be better able to
deal with it strategically (as opposed to reactively). Which will increase the
odds that the other person will stop confronting you and—as is infinitely
more productive—start to confront themselves.

Note 1: Inasmuch as dealing with anger is one of my main clinical

specialties, I’ve published a variety of articles on it in my PT blog. If you’re
interested in taking a look at other ways I’ve approached this most toxic of
emotions, here are links to some additional posts of mine on the subject:
“Anger—How We Transfer Feelings of Guilt, Hurt, and Fear,” “A Powerful
Two- Step Process to Get Rid of Unwanted Anger," “What Your Anger
May Be Hiding,” “Mad =Angry + Crazy + Dumb” (Parts 1 & 2), “The
Paradox of Anger: Strength or Weakness?”, and "Afraid to Rage: The
Origins of Passive-Aggressive Behavior."

Note 2: If you think this article might be of interest to others, I hope you’ll
consider sending them the link. Additionally, if you’d like to review some of
my other self-help/relationship articles for Psychology Today, here’s the
link that will connect you.

© 2013 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.

--- I invite readers to join me on Facebook, and to follow my

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