The broken
hearts club
Dinsa Sachan talks to psychologists about their
research on the effects of relationship break-up
S
tan Tatkin was devastated by his divorce
19 years ago. ‘It was a loss I had not
expected ever in my life,’ he says. Tatkin,
now an assistant clinical professor at the
department of family medicine at the
University of California in Los Angeles,
grieved and moved on. The experience
of heartbreak informed his work.
At the time, he had been deeply immersed in
learning about developmental neuroscience and
bonding between babies and mothers. ‘When
the divorce happened, I started to switch my
concentration, because I was trying to figure out what
happened,’ Tatkin recalls. He explored how childhood
experiences, ones specifically pertaining to emotional
conflicts with parents, affect individuals’ love lives
later in life. That led Tatkin to his current career as
a couples expert.
While Tatkin ultimately learned and benefited from
22 his experience, the dissolution of a romantic union
brings tremendous pain and trauma to many people.
There is a huge body of research that shows that
heartbreak and rejection can alter the course of people’s
lives, often for the worse. But there is also evidence
that humans are capable of weathering that storm and
moving on.
The pain is real
A 20-year-old marriage collapses. A two-month
summer fling comes to a screeching halt when the
gap year ends. Someone cheats on their partner of
two years. A person is in love and those feelings are
unrequited. Heartbreak can result from a variety of
romantic situations, but its experience has some
universal characteristics. ‘It’s a terrible disappointment
when you think you have something and it’s gone,’
says Stanley Charnofsky, a clinical psychologist and
professor at California State University Northridge.
‘When you get married to someone, you don’t say “I do
 the psychologist september 2018 break-up

Ciaran Murphy

for four years”: you think you’re going to last a lifetime. tolerable hot sensation that felt as if they were dipping
But when it doesn’t, of course there’s disappointment.’ their finger in hot water. Other times, they were given
Charnofsky has been divorced for 30 years himself. a moderately warm sensation. The scans showed the
When a heartbroken person laments that they activated regions during the hot sensations were the
hurt, they mean it. A 2011 study same ones that lit up while they
published in the Proceedings of viewed their ex.
the National Academy of Sciences “Heartbreak can result Perhaps the pleasure centres
and led by Ethan Kross showed are equally important. Rutgers
that a romantic break-up activates
from a variety of romantic University anthropologist Helen
brain areas that are associated situations, but its Fisher’s studies have shown that
with physical pain. The team experience has some lovers tend to behave like drug and
scanned the participants’ brains
using fMRI while they performed
universal characteristics” alcohol addicts in some ways. They
experience cravings, sleeplessness
tasks. First off, they had to look at and lack of appetite. Not
a picture of their ex, with whom surprisingly, the end of a romance,
they’d recently broken up, while thinking about them. then, can result in a kind of withdrawal – obsessively
Then they stared at a friend’s picture and reminisced calling their ex or begging for their love. One of
about a positive episode with that person. Next up, Fisher’s studies showed that rejection activates some of
the researchers plugged a thermal sensitivity device to the same areas that are involved in cocaine addiction.
their forearms. Sometimes, they received a painful but In some people, heartbreak can even trigger mental
 illness. A University of Oregon study led by Scott
Monroe found that adolescents are especially prone
to depression after a break-up. Almost half of the
respondents in the study developed depression for
the first time after a break-up within the past year.
What stings most?
If a person is undergoing a painful divorce, colleagues
and bosses often show empathy towards them
Friends or clean break?
To be friends with your ex or not? That’s an important question many
people face after their split. Research led by Melinda Bullock (Saint
Louis University) and published in the Journal of Social Psychology
in 2011 found that people were more likely to end up being friends
if their relationship with their ex had been satisfying. Even if the
romantic union had to be dissolved, they found the ensuing friendship
meaningful.
Friendship with an ex, however, can land you on murky terrain.
Research published in Personality and Individual Differences found that
some exes simply want to stay in touch for pragmatic reasons – sex
and money. Justin Mogilski, a psychologist at Oakland University in
Michigan and lead author of the study, identified a collection of reasons
why people stay friends with their exes. He found that people who
score higher on ‘dark personality’ traits – a collection of psychological
features and tendencies characterised by impulsivity, willingness to
exploit others for personal gain, aggression and self-aggrandisement
– were more likely to report that they would find it important to stay
friends with an ex for pragmatic reasons.
The idea of being friends after a break-up may sound appealing
– I can’t have you, but I can still be friends with you – but this kind of
camaraderie can be hard to maintain. ‘I don’t think every friendship
will be as reciprocal or mutually gratifying as someone might hope,’
says Mogilski.
People need to ask themselves – why do I wish to be friends with
an ex lover? ‘If both people are uninterested in a committed romantic
relationship and are simply looking to be friends with benefits, then
wanting to stay friends for sexual reasons may not cause much
distress,’ Mogilski says. ‘But if ex-partners’ reasons for staying friends
are discordant – one person hopes to rekindle the romance while the
other just wants to be friends with someone who can fix their car –
then this may lead to unrequited love or resentment when one partner
doesn’t reciprocate.’
Barnett favours a clean break. ‘Generally, it is advisable to
maintain a period of complete separation, at least initially, so as not
to reignite distress, or to avoid the temptation of a temporary reunion
only for the heartbroken person to find themselves rejected all over
again,’ she says. But a clean break is often not possible, especially
when children and co-ownership of a house are involved.
Australian relationship coach Marianne Vicelich observes that
clean breaks, though recommended, are hard to achieve in the modern
world. ‘Social media has changed the world of ex-relationships, and
has made it difficult to make a clean break, to grieve and to move on,’
says Vicelich. ‘Thanks to social media, your exes will pop up on your
screen at any time.’
24
and grant days off. But break-ups in unmarried
relationships aren’t taken so seriously. People have
to often put their feelings aside, plaster a fake smile
on their face, and head to the office. A 2011 study
published in the Journal of Family Psychology followed
1300 people over a period of 20 months and found
that break-ups in unmarried relationships caused
significant distress and reduction of life satisfaction
in 43 per cent of participants. Galena Rhoades, a
professor of psychology at the University of Denver
and the lead author of the study, says that cohabitation
was a huge predictor in the decline of life satisfaction
after a heartbreak. ‘People who are living together have
a lot of the same constraints and structural issues to
work through. They are more likely to have children
and more likely to have to disentangle financial
commitments.’ But that doesn’t make break-ups of
couples who were not cohabiting less frustrating.
‘Emotionally it can be really hard to adjust, especially
if the people who were dating saw a future for that
relationship,’ says Rhoades.
One the other hand, a rejection can sting
even more if a person is replaced by someone else
immediately – or even before a formal break-up is
announced. A study by Sebastian Deri and Emily Zitek,
published last year in Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin, found that people feel more rejected after
comparative rejection (rejected for someone else) than
a non-comparative split (not rejected for someone
else). The study also found that if the cause of the
break-up is not clear, people tend to assume there
was infidelity involved.
A 2010 study by psychologist Erica Slotter, who
was then at Northwestern University, shows that
one reason break-ups are distressing is because
they diminish the ‘self-concept’ of the person – they
begin to question their own identity. ‘It’s me that was
invested in you that I’ve lost. And in some ways I
may not recapture that part again. It’s like this: you
and I represent a unique combination that’s like a
fingerprint… we cannot have that again because of
the way you and I are,’ says Tatkin.
Two sides of the coin
Break-ups are rarely mutual. Typically, one person
initiates it (dumper), and the other (dumpee) has to
accept that decision. The dumpee and the dumper
have two different experiences following the split.
‘The dumper is generally not as upset,’ says Tatkin.
‘They usually have a reason they want to get away from
the relationship.’
Even if the dumpees had expected the split – they
may have even wanted it – they tend to suffer more.
‘Because they are not making the choice, they tend to
feel more of the pain. There’s a part of them that almost
forever asks the question why,’ says Tatkin.
The dumper is also ahead of the dumpee in
the grieving process. ‘The person that initiates the
break-up has already processed many of the thoughts
 the psychologist september 2018 break-up

and the feelings related to that kind of separation and for closure is often an effort to gain an understanding
has looked forward to some extent – what is coming of what happened and to regain equilibrium.’
up in life, there may be a new relationship or a new Tatkin believes closure is a sticky proposition. ‘It’s
lifestyle that is emerging,’ says Peter Kanaris, a clinical subjective and can continue to be an itch that cannot
psychologist based in New York. be scratched,’ he explains. ‘Heartbreak never entirely
To make matters worse, not everyone discloses the goes away, does it? It fades into the background only to
real reasons for the break-up. ‘Whilst the motivation be tickled or poked by a memory.’ He advises people to
for this is to make the break-up easier – “it’s me, not focus more on grieving and processing their emotions
you” – it often leads to more confusion and distress – sadness, anger, fear – than on finding closure.
as the “dumpee” struggles to make sense of it,’ says
Georgina Barnett, counselling psychologist and author
of The Mottos: The Guiding Principles Behind Creating What’s personality got to do with it?
an Enchanting Relationship. ‘The person who is being Different people cope with rejection differently – and
rejected will often fall into irrational ways of thinking their understanding of personality may influence it.
initially due to the intensity of their emotions.’ In a series of studies published in Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin, Lauren Howe and Carol Dweck
decided to investigate whether individuals’ views
The vicious cycle of finding closure on personality change had any impact on how they
A 2008 study published in the Journal of Experimental dealt with heartbreak. They conducted five studies
Social Psychology found that people who are deeply in to explore this question. They asked participants to
love often overestimate the intensity of distress from fill out a survey that had questions about personality
a future break-up. Led by psychologist Paul Eastwick, change. For example, did they think that a person’s
then at Northwestern University, the research revealed personality doesn’t change much over the course
that the actual emotional toll from of a lifetime, or that everyone,
the break-up was much less severe. no matter who they are, can
People who were less in love with “reaching out for significantly change their basic
their partner (and were more often emotional support is one characteristics?
the ones to initiate the break-up) In some studies, the
more accurately predicted the of the best ways to handle participants were asked to recall
severity of the distress caused by a heartbreak – at least, a past break-up that was painful.
the break-up. It goes to show that in the immediate Then, they answered questions
break-ups are sometimes not nearly about the recency of this break-up,
as anguishing as we predict. aftermath of the event” their current relationship status,
Yet, clinical psychologists and their beliefs about the
observe plenty of unhealthy break-up. For example, did they
behaviour in their clients post break-up, such as drug worry that there was something ‘wrong’ with them that
and alcohol abuse. ‘Another bad choice is trying to get prompted the rejection? Did they think that potential
the other person to come back, and spending all your partners would believe they were undeserving of their
time trying to do that,’ says Tatkin. Some people, he affection because they were rejected? Would they hide
says, use methods of fear and guilt such as a suicide the details about their break-up in future relationships?
threat or attempt as a tactic. Casual sex and rebound The researchers found that the participants who
relationships become respite for some, Tatkin says. On believed that personality is fixed were more likely to
the other hand, some people plunge into an ‘I’ll never believe that being rejected indicated that there was
get into a relationship’ kind of despair. something wrong with them, and they were more
Tatkin, Kanaris and Charnofsky agree on one thing: likely to think that others, especially future partners,
reaching out for emotional support is one of the best would think something is wrong with them. They were
ways to handle a heartbreak – at least, in the immediate more likely to worry that they would face rejection in
aftermath of the event. But if that’s not enough, a future unions. And, the studies found that endorsers of
person should seek a professional counsellor. ‘They can this type of personality mindset were less likely to take
really wear out their family and friends by being that away positive lessons from the experience of rejection,
person who is constantly talking about the break-up,’ like that it was a stepping stone to satisfying future
says Tatkin.’They need to protect those relationships relationships.
from being overburdened from their obsessiveness.’ He What makes these people so vulnerable? ‘They
likens heartbreak to a case of bad flu. ‘There’s nothing look at the things that happen to them in the world
they can do about it. There’s nothing they can do to not as evidence about what their traits are,’ says Howe,
feel that way – they have to ride through it,’ he says. the lead author on the studies, who is a postdoctoral
Many spend an inordinate time seeking ‘closure’. scholar at Stanford University Mind & Body Lab.
‘The break-up can have the effect of shaking a person’s ‘If you get a bad grade on a math test, that becomes
sense of reality and how they had formerly organised a piece of evidence that you’re bad at math or maybe
and understood their world,’ says Kanaris. ‘The search even that you’re not smart. So when it comes to
 rejection, when a person didn’t want to be with you,
someone who has a fixed mindset about personality
might think “oh, this is a piece of evidence that I’m
undesirable”, and this might prompt them to start
questioning who they are.’
Others agree with the findings. ‘It is possible to
hold on to the pain as it is what keeps the person alive
in our minds. I don’t know that it is ever possible
to completely let go anyway,’ says London-based
counselling psychologist Nikos Tsigaras. ‘But we can
get stuck because we can’t bear to let go.’ He also
adds some people can become defined by a break-up.
‘We could think ourselves as unlovable or not good
enough, if the breakup is felt to confirm a terrible
pre-existing suspicion about ourselves.’
Galena Rhoades’ life-satisfaction study also
had a surprising finding that could point towards a
personality connection. ‘We expected that people who
had lower levels of relationship quality would see
the break-up as relief,’ says Rhoades. ‘But, in fact, we
found the opposite – people who had better, stronger
relationships tended to have smaller declines in life
satisfaction after the break-up.’ She speculates that
individuals who tend to have happier relationships – or
are happier people in general – may also tend to adjust
to life changes better.
Does it get better?
When Scarlett O’Hara’s flamboyant third husband,
Rhett Butler, walks out on her towards the end
of the movie Gone with the Wind, O’Hara, true to
her indomitable spirit, reassures herself: ‘After all,
tomorrow is another day.’
It really is possible to move on. In a study
published last year in Journal of Neuroscience,
University of Colorado, Boulder, researchers led by
Leonie Koban found that the placebo effect could
help people deal with the break-up. Participants who
had faced rejection were given a nasal spray. Half
the people were told the spray would improve their
emotional pain, while the other half were told it was
a saline solution.
The people in the first half reported feeling better
emotionally as well as physically after the nasal spray
treatment. Their brains showed
increased activity in areas that
regulated emotion and reduced
activity in areas that felt pain.
The authors noted that if someone
assured themselves they were doing
something about dealing with
the break-up – socialising with
friends, picking up a new skill and
meditating – it could go a long way
in their recovery. But, yes, they
Dinsa Sachan actually have to do those things.
is a freelance writer There’s also reassurance that
http://dinsasachan.com time heals from Helen Fisher’s
26 rejection study – as time passed,
Tomorrow is another day
the brain’s attachment centres showed less activity in
spurned lovers.
Of course, the pain caused by a break-up can blind
us to our own faults and role in the split. ‘People often
need to move past the trauma of heartache before
they can begin to reflect,’ says Georgina Barnett.
‘Many people say they do not fully understand why
a relationship failed until months or years after the
event. However, taking responsibility for how we may
have contributed to the break-down of the relationship
– provided this is done without self-blame, which is
counter-productive – can empower us and give us faith
in our ability to create a new relationship with another
person.’
Sometimes though, if someone’s had a string of
unsuccessful relationships, the biggest lesson perhaps
is that they need to find better partners. ‘A breakup is
often (but not always) a call to reflect on our partner
choice and make more informed choices in the future,’
says Tsigaras. At other times, it is a reminder to address
unresolved issues from the past.
The experience of heartbreak, many psychologists
say, is a lot like bereavement. ‘We may all experience
losses very early in our lives,’ says Tsigaras. ‘To loosely
quote Freud, sometimes it is the loss of a parent or
the loss of the parent’s love, or the loss of love from
ourselves. If there are previous losses that have not
been sufficiently mourned and worked through then
a heartbreak could be felt to be a kind of repetition of
those earlier losses.’
The two Stans – Tatkin and Charnofsky –
reclaimed their lives after their heartbreaks. Tatkin,
now 63, is happily married to his current wife, Tracey.
Charnofsky, who is in his eighties, is ‘best friends’
with his ex-wife. They keep in touch via e-mail. They
have children – and even grandchildren – that they are
involved with. ‘We had heartbreak at one point, but
now we’ve worked it through,’ says Charnofsky.