The Court of Carbonation

Esme Perkins

esme.perkins@mca.edu
1 EXT. TOM AND PHIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 1

The apartment door creaks open slightly and hand appears,

placing a sign that reads "THE COURT OF CARBONATION."

2 INT. TOM AND PHIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 2

TOM closes the door and walks to a table where PHIL is

arranging soda bottles and SNACKS. PHIL reverently lifts up a
shabby looking MYSTERIOUS BOARD GAME and hugs it close.

TOM
I wonder if TELULA is a "fashionably
early" or "fashionably late" kinda
gal.

PHIL
I'm still not sure about letting an
outsider into our secret society. I
mean, can she even handle the INTENSE
STRATEGY of Island Quest?

TOM
Please, this is the first time we've
had three players, don't mess this up.

A KNOCK is heard at the door. TOM and PHIL rush over to open
it. It's TELULA.

TOM (CONT'D)
Ah! TELULA!

TOM and PHIL look at each other, pausing to try to sync up to

say something. They are not in sync.

PHIL
WELCOME, TO THE COURT OF CARBONATION!

TOM
-CARBONATION! Ah dangit.

Telula looks around awkwardly for a moment.

TELULA
Yurp.

3 INT. TABLE IN THE APARTMENT - NIGHT 3

TOM, PHIL, and TELULA are sitting at the table.

TOM

(CONTINUED)
 2.
CONTINUED: (2)

You know TELULA, if it were up to me,

I'd just let you join our club. But
there's protocol for all new members
that we have to follow.

PHIL
A CODE OF HONOR!

TELULA pulls out an ISLAND QUEST GUIDEBOOK and thumbs through

it.

TELULA
Well, I'm a bit familiar with the
standard Island Quest scenario
settings and I've researched several
battle strategies-

PHIL snarls and slaps the ISLAND CONQUEST GUIDEBOOK out of

TELULA's hand.

PHIL
NO! We don't play by THOSE rules
around here!

PHIL dramatically slams down the MYSTERIOUS BOARD GAME onto

the table. It's ISLAND QUEST: TOM AND PHIL EDITION! TOM looks
like he's about to have a heart attack from witnessing the
violent move.

TOM
PHIL, go easy on her man, she's just a
newbie!

TELULA
What the heck is this mess? You guys
made your own game?

PHIL
For your information it's art and it's
amazing!

TELULA
So what are the rules?

PHIL
The only rule is-

TELULA
There are no rules?

PHIL

(CONTINUED)
 3.
CONTINUED: (3)

I CAN'T STAND ALL THIS NOVICE BANTER!

TOM cracks open a bottle of soda and glugs it anxiously.

TELULA
How can you play a game with no rules?
Don't you know about game theory?
People dedicate their lives-

PHIL
My creative spirit must be allowed to
fly! Like... the EAGLES!

Tom breaks down.

TOM
Augh, I can't take it!

TELULA and PHIL stop and look at TOM. He's clearly having a
bad time. The two of them look around the room and see the
decorations set out, the un-drunk soda, and a weird pie
cooling in the windowsill. TELULA and PHIL look at each other
in concession.

TELULA
Uh. I'm sorry.

PHIL
No TELULA, I'm-

TELULA
Forcing my standards onto you guy's
game night was wrong.

PHIL
The the game could use a bit more
structure-

TELULA
Maybe if we established some baseline
rules...

PHIL
With generous allowances for creative
freedom, of course.

TELULA
And uh, this soda's not so bad...

TOM perks up at this quip and peace is achieved.

(CONTINUED)
 4.
CONTINUED: (4)

4 INT. TABLE IN THE APARTMENT - NIGHT 4

Everyone is now caught up in an exciting game of Island

Quest.

TELULA
Uh, I cast tail of lizard!

TOM
Leg of chair!

PHIL
I counter your leg of chair with my
leg of ham!

TOM recoils from invisible, fatal damage. Telula looks

worried.

TELULA
Oh jeez, you're out already... It's
just that according to the rulebook
chairs are susceptible to ham and-

TOM instantly recovers and sips a soda.

TOM
Nah it's cool. I usually get kicked
out sooner.

TELULA
Don't you guys play this game all the
time?

PHIL
Our games don't typically last this
long. Most times, TOM is either
immediately defeated, or dismissed for
behavior unbecoming of a Yacht Knight.

A glare is exchanged between TOM and PHIL. The game

continues. There is a final battle between PHIL's SCOP and
TELULA's HANDSOME DOCTOR characters.

PHIL (CONT'D)
Time for my finishing move- IAMBIC PEN-
SLAMETER!

TELULA
I counter with illegible prescription!

(CONTINUED)
 5.
CONTINUED: (2)

PHIL
ACK! Poetic justice!

Phil pretends to die on the table. A moment passes.

TELULA
You guys are really bad at this.

TOM
Another successful meeting of the
Court of Carbonation! Let's crack open
a bottle of Seamist! (sing-songy
voice, like a commercial jingle) 'It's
briney, but it's all you got!'

PHIL
It's called "sampling," TOM. Anyhoo,
to honor your commencement unto our
court, I bequeath unto you this soda
bottle, aged 70 moons.

PHIL gets on one knee and presents TELULA with a grimy soda
bottle.

TELULA
Thanks... But don't these things have
expiration dates?

TOM grabs the bottle and starts violently shaking it.

TOM
It's still good, you just gotta, ya
know, reactivate the hydrocarbons and
stuff!

TELULA
That's not true, and also NO-

5 EXT. TOM AND PHIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 5

EXPLOSION of soda is heard. Soda coats the windows and fizz

leaks out from under the door.

TOM
So, uh, your place next week, TELULA?