2 sketch.

Magical Fruit
By Brendan Leahy
4

6 latest Sunday, June 13, 2004

8
notes snl Characters

Carlos
The main character. Talks to inanimate objects.
Vaughn
Carlos’ roomate, relatively insane, loves Cheetos.
Version
Charlotte
June 12, 2004 – Brendan
The crazy lady addicted to coffee.
Leahy [BML]
Lindsay
June 13, 2004 – Matthew
Bishop The mostly silent object of Carlos’ affection.
Coffe Shoppe Employee
The completely silent and entirely optional part.

Boss
The over-the-phone voice of Carlos’ boss.
Old Man
The offstage voice of a city-dwelling geezer.
Voice Mail
The feminine-sounding male voice mail voice.

november

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 Scene 1 -- Opening
2 It is a typical dreaded Monday morning. A couch is center stage. Carlos is
laying on the couch after having fallen asleep on it. His hair is much unorganized
4 and he is wearing a bathrobe.

6 Carlos’ roommate/friend—Vaughn—is up center stage having just entered

from his chambers.
8

Vaughn
10 Hey Carlos. You up yet?

Carlos
12 Groans

Vaughn
14 Oh, sorry to wake ya. Umm… you got a phone message last night; from a
Robert… Robby.. Rowen, Rooey…

16 Carlos
Groans

18 Vaughn
Ahh, you’re right. Rupert. Anyway he said something about something or
20other.

Carlos
22 Groans

Vaughn
24Well geez, don’t yell at me, at least I took the message.

Carlos
26 Groans

Vaughn
28 No, that’s not it. Oh yeah! He was calling to remind you about your morning
meeting.
 Carlos
2 Confused groan.

Vaughn
4 Yeah, he said you had an emergency early meeting today. (looks outside)
Ohh boy, if I hadn’t woken you up you would’ve missed it, you big sleepy head.

6 Carlos
Angry groan.

8 Vaughn
Walks over to coffee pot.
10 Hey, ya want some coffee?

Carlos
12 Refusing groan.

Vaughn
14 Good. ‘Cause I drank it all. Hey man, I’m gonna take a shower. If you need
to go you’d better get in there now, cause… wooo, I’m gonna be a while.
16 Exits.

Carlos
18 Rolls off of the couch and shuffles his way over to the coffee pot. Carlos
examines the coffee pot and stairs at it for some time.
20 Looks around him, back to the coffee pot.
It looks like it’s just you and me.
22
…
24
So, did you have a rough night last night?
26
…
28
Yeah… me too.
30
…
 2 Well no, I didn’t go out. I mostly just worked on balancing my cheque book.

4 …

6 What? That’s not a nice thing to call me.

8 .

10 That’s unfair now.

12 .

14 Oh yeah? (picks up coffee pot and places him on burner) Ha! How do you
like that? Huh? Haha.

16 Vaughn
Enters. Sees the commotion and runs to intercept coffee pot.
18 Don’t hurt him! He didn’t do anything to you.

Carlos
20 We were only playing.

Vaughn
22 Yeah, I’ll bet you were.

Carlos
24 Hey Vaughn, did you update the clocks for daylight savings time?

Vaughn
26 Just the one on the coffee pot.
Exits.

28 Carlos
Walks up to coffee pot clock.
 What?! 7:30! And I have an early meeting! I’m late.
2 Scrambles around and finds a tie. He puts it on and looks at himself.
Who am I kidding?
4 Takes off tie and puts it on the coffee pot.
Exits

6 Vaughn
Enters. Looks at coffee pot.
8 Oh, so now you think you’re better than me? Well I’ll show you
Puts on tie and blazer.
10 There! Now leave me alone, I have some very important things to do.
Sits down on couch and starts stuffing his face with Cheetos.
12

14 Scene 2 -- Rush Hour

16<EDIT> Remember to add Carlos checking parking meters.

18 Carlos in en route to his job. He is frazzled by the morning’s unpleasant

rude awakening. He is stuck in rush hour traffic. He pulls out a cell phone, checks
20 his voice mail.

Voice Mail
22 You have three new messages. First message:

Vaughn’s Recorded Voice

24 Hey dude, I guess I didn’t catch you at a good time. But I was just
wondering if you had ever located your cell phone? Call me if you haven’t found it
26yet.

Voice Mail
28 Next message.

Carlos’ Boss
 Son! Where the blazes are you? You’re late, no excuses are acceptable…
2unless you stopped to pick up doughnuts and coffee. Remember, early is on time,
on time is late, and late is unacceptable!

4 Voice Mail
End of messages. To repeat these messages test early for Alzheimer’s.
6 Carlos hangs up phone.

Carlos
8 (Looks around) Ahha! Mama Luke’s Warm Coffee Shoppe.
Looks at parking meters
10 Parking meters!? I don’t wanna pay for parking.
Ahh, here we are.
12 Pulls over into space. Opens door. Steps out, onto sidewalk.

Old Man
14 Hey! That’s my driveway!

Carlos
16 (Yelling off stage) Don’t worry, I won’t be long.
Exits

18 Scene 3 -- Coffee Shoppe

Coffee shop. Mid morning. Carlos picks up order (several bags) from
20 counter. “Thank you” could be said.

22 As Carlos begins to exit shoppe, his path is intercepted by Charlotte.

24 Charlotte notices Carlo’s grand order and says with a nasally voice:

Charlotte
26 I see somebody has a big order, nahahahahaha.

Carlos
28 ...Office order.

Charlotte
 You know, I’ve always admired a person who likes coffee as much as this
2(shakes bags… no not her eyes).

Carlos
4 I’m really not a big fan of coffee.

Charlotte
6 Not a fan of COFFEE! Oh my word, we’d best be getting’ him to a hospital,
he’s delirious. (laughs at herself as if she’s made the funniest joke ever. Vaughn
8rolls his eyes.)
(Charlotte looks at Vaughn, after realizing his unresponsive attitude)
10 Oh come on, I was only kiddin’.

Carlos
12 Yeah… umm, no I’ve just never been a fan of…

Charlotte
14 Oh well you mustn’t have found the right blend for you yet, hang in there
and you’ll find it and then we’ll get you on the bean brew train, come let me treat
16you to a cup of coffee that I just know you’ll love.

Carlos
18 No thanks.

Charlotte
20 Oh but why stop at one cup, we’ve gotta get you situated.

Carlos
22 Again, thank you, but I’m not a fan of coffee.

Charlotte
24 Oh don’t say that. You just don’t know the bitter sweet blend of liquidated
beans. It’s an acquired taste that you just don’t have yet.

26 Carlos
 And why’d you aquire it?

2 Charlotte
Well, I… umm, (stuttering) don’t… don’t…. don’t… umm don’t, don’t know.

4 Carlos
(points) Hey look! A new Starbucks just opened!

6 Charlotte
Ohhhh!
8 Carlos ducks beneath Charlotte’s arm and disappears.
All players exit.
10

Scene 4 -- Alley
12

14 <EDIT> I need some major help here. I can’t think of this scene appropriately for
SNL. I also can’t think of how to do this without having him monologue. I’m going
16to leave the scene blank for the moment until this is sorted out.

Scene 5 --
18

20
 Editor Comments
2Matthew’s Notes (Added: June 12, 2004 [BML])

Scene 2

4 Looks @ Meters

Scene 3

6 Gets order, exits store, talks to bat lady (Charlotte [BML 6/12/04]), runs into
alley, see Lindsey, sits, Lindsey exits, stands, sees wet spot, exits.

8Scene 4 5

Approaches, see orange ticket, talks about meters, walks over to car, finds
10ad, gets in car, phone rings, ignores, picks up chairs and walks off stage.

Scene 5 6

12 Vaughn’s on couch, surrounded by Cheetohs bags. Carlos enters dejected.

Carlos steps behind partition, changes while telling Vaughn why he’s home / about
14his day. Leaves for the dry cleaners. Vaughn calls Carlos, couch is wheeled out.
(fluid scene transition).

16Scene 6 7

Carlos walks in still talking to Vaughn on cell phone. Carlos rings call bell,
18Lindsey is reading magazine, Carlos fumbles says pants are: ”Stain’s er… Stan’s.”
Lindsey takes pants, says “have a nice day,” hangs up pants, Carlos walks out,
20dejected.

Change Logs

220.1 June 12, 2004 – Brendan Leahy

Made the skit multiple writer ready.

24 5.16 Edit note, review.
Added Mattew’s notes.
26 Inserted temporary line numbers.

To Do:
28 Write Scene 4 – 7
Storyboard 8 – Ending
 Notes:

2 There’s a pretty major problem here: scenes 4 and 5 have Carlos thinking.
In novel format it’s easy to achieve this, and in the original version of the skit the
4protagonist was in almost constant soliloquy.

The opening scene has him monologing, but it’s to the coffee pot. So he
6either needs to efficiently get his point across, or need some object to talk to.
Perhaps an old teddy bear discarded in the trash.

10