Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Envy
Envy
“Why…”
Swisshh…THUNK!
“…won’t…”
Swisshh…THUNK!
“…he FIT?!?”
I kicked in his knee and he finally dropped down the well. Goddamn it, even dead he’s a pain in
the ass. Now he’s at the bottom of that well and he can just rot down there for all I care. Actually…
I’ve got to get back to my pickup and get back home. I’m sure Irma’s wondering where her
future husband has run off to. I’ve been working on her, doing the whole Iago thing, planting the seeds
of jealousy. I was hoping it would be enough for her to call off the wedding but that whole plan went to
hell. I’ll just use it to convince her Alan skipped out on her.
Alan. Alan goddamn high-and-mighty scum-sucking son of a bitch Branch. I still hate you. I’ve
hated you ever since we were five years old, since the day your parents moved next door. You’ve
always been there, dogging me, making me look bad, always having to do me one better. I was top dog
in the neighborhood, best student, my dad was already training me to be a pitcher until you showed up
and put an end to it all. Well, not the pitcher training, not completely at least.
Everything I did, you had to do better. I was tall, but you were taller. I had a decent fastball, but
you could hit home runs almost at will. I was a pretty good blocking tight end, but you broke all the
And the day the scouts from New York came to see us in the state baseball championship? You
went 4-for-5 with seven RBI’s and two home runs. I made two errors, got called for a balk and gave up
three runs. You got the minor-league contract and the Ivy League scholarship that should have been
mine.
I was happy, no, scratch that. I was fuckin’ ecstatic the day your Mom told me you were going
straight to New York after graduation. You weren’t going to play for the Yankees but you did have a job
in some investment firm. Your Mom was so proud of you, she went on and on about how you were so
brilliant and how you were going to get rich. I honestly didn’t give a shit about any of that – I was just
I tried to help Irma get over you. It took me almost twelve years, twelve goddamn years of
listening to her mooning about you when she had me right there, goddamn it, right there! No, no…calm
down. Deep breaths. Easy does it…be cool, boy, be cool. Gotta act surprised when Irma tells me you’ve
disappeared.
Everyone in town knows I’ve been in love with Irma since, well, since I was five years old.
Problem was, so was Alan. But knowing that preening selfish ass as I do, he was probably saying it
because I told him I liked her. I think he enjoyed taking away all the stuff I wanted.
So Alan went off and got rich in New York, as his Mom was constantly reminding everybody. I
didn’t get the scholarship or the contract. I went to State on a Pell grant and a shitload of student loans
God, she’s beautiful. Her hair is blonde and long, her eyes are green with flecks of gold. She
doesn’t wear perfume but there’s a scent to her that’s heavenly. She’s smart and funny and sexy and it
all started to fall apart at the Harvest Ball a couple of weeks ago. I couldn’t take it anymore. Twelve
years is a hell of a long time to wait; I broke down, told her I loved her and always had and would she
marry me.
“Yeah?”
“I…have to think…I need time! I’m sorry, Charlie but I’ve gotta go!”
She left me standing there in the moonlight. I could see her hair bobbing up and down as she
half-ran away. I’m such an idiot…I rushed things and ruined everything. No, not everything. That didn’t
I walked into the diner and there he was, the devil in the flesh, at least my personal devil. Alan
Branch, an inch taller than me, better hair, better teeth, expensive Italian suit, the only being I’ve ever
truly loathed. Rubbing his success like an oily rag all over my face.
I smiled even though I just wanted to snap his neck. “Alan…Alan! Hey, old buddy, when did you
He smiled back. His teeth were the whitest I’d ever seen and perfectly shaped; I wondered how
much he got overcharged for that job. “Charlie! My wingman and trusty compadre! Oh man, I’ve
missed you, buddy…It’s good to be back home!” He hugged me and pounded my back.
Oh, shit. “So…Alan, how long are you going to be in town, man? Couple of weeks, see how your
Oh, God no. “Th-that’s great, Alan…” I tried to keep my smile pasted on but I could feel it
slipping away. My breakfast felt like it was coming up on me – I had to get the hell out of there. I
I threw up in the alley around the corner. I couldn’t believe it, I just couldn’t believe it. Just
when it looked like things were finally going my way he had to come crawling back. I thought of Irma…
That night, I spent hours in the back chopping wood. It helps to calm me down sometimes.
Maybe it’s the mechanical nature of the work or just the satisfaction of seeing the axe bite into and tear
was coming. We went out to dinner, a little Italian place down the interstate. I think she picked it
I was calm. I even smiled and pretended to be happy for her and Alan. Under the table, my
hands were clenched – all I wanted to do was smash them into that asshole’s face and fuck up his good
looks. Irma kept yammering on about how Alan had realized that he’d always loved her, how he was so
unhappy in New York, the money and the prestige meant nothing without her…blah, blah, blah.
And then she told me they were getting married in a month. I swear, I deserve an Oscar for how
I acted that night. It’s all kind of a blur, really, but I remember that I bought a round for everyone in the
restaurant.
I went back to chopping wood that night. It was dawn when I finally stopped; my biceps felt
tired and sore. That’s when I decided that I couldn’t let this happen, I couldn’t let Alan fuck up my plans
That’s why I told Alan to come up to the cabin by the lake. It’s been our party spot since high
I spent the afternoon oiling and sharpening my axe. It needed it after all the work I’ve been
giving it. Once I was done, I sat back on the porch with a beer and waited. It was still a good couple of
hours before it got dark, and I knew Alan wouldn’t be along until then. He was seeing Irma first…
I banged my head against the railing. I’ve got to stop thinking about them together; it just
makes it worse. But I just can’t; the thought of Irma in his arms, kissing him, caressing and making love
It’d been dark for about half an hour when I heard him drive up. I was sitting on the porch with
no lights on. “Hey, Charlie, I’m here…I’ve got beer, man, where’re the lights?”
I flicked the switch. “I’m right here, Alan…what took you so long, buddy?” I knew damn well
what had taken him so long. As he got closer, I could smell her scent on him. He was saying something,
I don’t know what. Smelling her sex on him was the final drop.
Alan was coming up the porch stairs. He crossed in front of me, his hand reaching for the front
door. That’s when I grabbed the axe by the chair. He never saw me. All he heard was a swishing sound.
All I saw was the blade splitting the top of his skull.
I felt so calm. Everything was falling into place. Alan was at my feet, his head in two pieces,
deader than last week’s roadkill. Stupid idiot, he never even noticed that he was standing on a plastic
tarp. I just wrapped him up and hauled him away. And I didn’t even leave any bloodstains.
I had to chop him up some more to get him down the well, but I got it done. I reached into the
glove compartment and pulled out the pack of cigarettes I’ve kept there since I quit a year ago.
Alan’s gone now. Good riddance to fuckin’ assholes. I’m going to Irma’s now, to console her
and be her pillar of strength. I’ll convince her that Alan just ran off and dumped her, just like last time.