REACH FOR LOVEJ

Intimacy Tool Kit7

By Mark Strauss
8 1999
Library of Congress Catalog Number XX-XXXXX

ISBN: X-XXXXX-XXX-X

Copyright © 1999 by Mark B. Strauss

All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or utilized in any
form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
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without permission in writing from the publisher.

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LIBRAY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Strauss, Mark B., 1961-

Reach For Love: Intimacy Tool Kit

p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
1. Interpersonal relations. 2.

I. Title
Dewey Decimal # XXX.XX XX-XXXXX
Written for Bert and Jeanine Strauss,
My Father and Mother,
Who taught me what
Truly committed caring and love is.
 REACH FOR LOVEJ
INTIMACY TOOL KIT7
By Mark Strauss

Preface

Much has been written about the topic and practice

of intimacy. This subject has been pondered, and the
approach hypothesized, since the beginning of civilization.
Many have written on this theme including the Greeks, the
Romans, and many other civilizations, including modern
societies.
Intimacy is the most personal, mental,
psychological, physical, spiritual and soul-felt sentiment in
life. The word intimacy has its root in the Latin word
Intimus, which means "innermost". Plato's "Symposium"
comments on love as "serving a human desire for
immortality and union." The German word for intimacy,
Innigkeit, means "intimate awareness". Reik, the noted
German psychologist, commented that love is "the vicarious
fulfillment of ego ideal." And Erikson said, "The young
adult, emerging from the search for and the insistence on
identity, is eager and willing to fuse his identity with that of
others." The noted psychologist Sullivan commented on
intimacy saying "when the satisfaction or the security of
another person becomes as significant to one as one's own...
then the state of love exists."
Intimacy is redefined broadly1 within these pages
as "Common courtesy and respect based on strong self-
esteem and dignity with an emphasis on an understanding
and peaceful co-existence between people toward a sense of
well-being and secure living." Although this definition is
deliberately broad in order to encompass mass-intimacy,
this text will focus on the single adult's quest for an
intimate relationship.

i.

1 For application on a mass/societal, group, and interpersonal levels

i.
 After much thought and introspection of my own about
intimacy, I have formed this new approach toward achieving
affection. Upon reevaluating my own stature as a single man in
the late 20th century, I have originated a fresh and innovative
technique with which to approach the creation of an intimate
relationship. This inspiring approach is one that can be
understood and applied by anyone seeking a truly intimate
relationship regardless of his or her personal style, appearance,
or sexual preference.
It is my hope that this book will help many single
men and women in their quest for true love. It's a "jungle"
out there in the single's world. There can be "tigers" hiding
in the lush vegetation around every corner. I want the single
person to feel safe on their journey through the thicket. I
want them to know that they can safeguard themselves
along the way. I want single individuals to feel happy and
comfortable on their path to finding the sought after
treasure: INTIMACY!
I want the single person to feel that they are in
control of their intimate destiny. In reading this book,
single adults will feel more aware and responsive to their
own needs and the needs of others. S/he will be more
comfortable talking to a love interest or a prospective
partner, but mostly, will feel more relaxed and collected in
listening.
I also wish to help curb the amount of grief, worry,
and pain that each single may go through in their
relationships. By offering a set of tools, for which self-
esteem and truth are the main instruments, I hope to assist
the singles that read this book to stay alert for signs of
trouble. This trouble can come in many forms, such as
dishonesty, abusive behavior, pessimism, etc....And, if this
trouble arises, how to handle it in a whole, honest manner.
Further, this book is meant to enlighten singles on
how to find greater joy from their relationships.
Relationships can be filled with great bliss and elation.
Many are, but only because of the many maintenance steps
taken to ensure the relationship's success. My aspiration is
to share an innovative blueprint with you, the reader, on
how to find great joy in your intimate relationships and,
then, how to maintain that joy.

ii.
 This is my main purpose in writing this book. I
hope you will use this book as a guidebook, picking up the
tools offered within and using them in your daily
interactions. I hope you will read the whole book through,
in the order it was written, as this text was written as a full
intimate awareness process. In order for this process to be
fully effective, it is best to read this book sequentially from
the beginning to the end. If you need to, please feel free to
review any section or chapter again in order to come to a
full understanding of how to utilize the tools offered. I hope
that the joy you will find in your intimate friendships will
be deeper and more meaningful after reading these pages.

Enjoy!

iii.
 Introduction

No one wants to feel empty after they have been to

a singles bar, party, dance or event. All people want to feel
like they are finding true satisfaction from these
experiences. They want to feel filled up with amity by their
encounters with other people.
This book will teach you how to give this fullness
and receive it in return. This book will introduce you to
your courting skills in a new light. It will begin to
familiarize you with proven ideas and principles to improve
your social and intimacy skills. It will increase the quality
of your life and relationships. And lastly, this book will
elevate your desirability in the "marriage market".
This book will not make you more outgoing,
friendly or sociable. It will not make your social or financial
status change. It will not increase your desirability in the
"meet market".
This text holds profound and empowering
information about intimacy that when fully understood,
activated and actualized offers a state of dzan intimacy.
Dzan has an adjective meaning: "That which is to be
understood only by the initiated and esoteric few." I want to
offer each and every reader a deep personal knowledge of
intimacy. I desire to offer you a new start, a new view, on
which to get your footing and activate intimacy in your life.
After reading this manual for intimacy I promise all of you
a state of dzan intimacy.2
I am not writing this manuscript as a professional
expression. I am not nor do I claim to be a psychiatrist,
therapist, or specialist in the field of intimacy. As of now, I
have no scholarly degree in such disciplines.
My experience has much to do with the writing of
this book. My life has been filled with an abundance of
practice in relationships. From my profound friendships to
my fiery love affairs, I have learned a multitude of
noteworthy lessons about relationships. I have met many
different types of people, been in many different types of
situations, and have observed just about every kind of
behavior relationships with people can offer.
Now, how did I come upon the knowledge to write
this book? It all started when I started having relationships
myself. As a child I felt somewhat alone in my family, out
of place at school and in my social life, although I had a
wonderful "social" life as a young teen.

iv.

As a young single adult, I went through many

relationships and made all the mistakes an inexperienced
single man could have made. I yearned for a deep love with

2 So, please, read this text in its entirety

to get all you can out of it. You can even read it
a few times to truly gather the full depth and
scope of its subject matter. Use the tools you
find within this text in your life until they
become second nature for you.

iv.
someone else, but didn't know how to get it. I hadn't the
foggiest idea of how, and so I floated in and out of
relationships, sometimes getting hurt and sometimes
hurting others. This is not what I had hoped for.
I didn't know what to do for many years. I
continued to be "in the field...playing the field", but was
utterly lost in that field. I knew my goal and was moving
ever so slowly toward it. I could see it, but it seemed that I
would never reach it.
I started a pattern of going to bars, single's dances,
and parties. I generally said "hello" to every attractive,
prospective mate I encountered. Unfortunately, I was living
out the same pattern over and over, so these relationships
would start and sputter out, never going anywhere.
Maybe I didn't see my goal clearly at all. Was it a
distant blur in my mind's eye? Did I fantasize the whole
idea of falling in love? I was beginning to think so. I even
sought out counseling. My therapist went on vacation.
On September 1st, 1993, a car going
approximately 65 miles-per-hour struck me while I was
walking across a roadway.
I woke up from a coma 9 days later in the hospital
with a severe concussion. I had what is called retrograde-
amnesia and did not even know my own name or what had
happened to me.
This accident started a new life for me. Luckily, all
I ended up with was a severely broken leg, a bunch of other
injuries and a case of amnesia. I spent 3 1/2 months being
bed-ridden. And sitting there day-in and day-out with my
broken leg, I began to remember who I was. I realized that
most of

v.
the people I knew weren't coming around to visit. In fact,
99% of them avoided me. I realized that many of those I
used to "hang-out" with most of the time were not my
friends at all. I reached out to them for support in my time
of need and, for some odd reason, they were not
responding. Maybe they were scared of my pain or maybe
they were too busy having fun to be concerned.
Whatever the others’ reasons were, my father and
mother took care of me and helped me out in the true sense.
Many of the people who really cared for me came forward.
True friends and their love surrounded me. I knew G-d's
Love and my heart opened up.
Five and a half months after my accident, I
received a phone call from a distant acquaintance. He said
he was having one of those singles parties I was going to
prior to the accident and I was invited. I became excited to
get out and went to it.
While at the party on my crutches, I noticed that
the same people who were my 'close' pals were only slightly
acknowledging me. I know I looked weak, as I was 50
pounds underweight, and that must have scared people. I
asked myself why were they so scared of me when just a
few months prior, when I had full health, they were my
devoted pals. I stayed and tried to get a caring, meaningful
conversation started with someone, even strangers, but with
no luck. People just wanted to know what had happened to
me for the dramatic effect. At midnight, I left the party and
went home feeling very empty inside.
I arrived home at 12:30 a.m., “crutched” my way
into my room, turned on the computer and began typing. It
seemed like 20 minutes had gone by when I stopped, but it
was 4:30 a.m. I had typed for 4 hours. A 14½-page outline
for this book was what emerged from that "flow
experience".
This outline contained the essence of what I had
been searching for for so many years. I had reached the end
of my quest. I had uncovered the treasure. I had found the
principles of which I had been striving for.

vi.
 I do not have a degree or all the answers. I am not
an expert, yet I feel I have learned from my experiences. A
whole form has arisen from the experiences I have had. It is
not only ideal, but also very practical in one's reach for
love.
And here in this book, "Reach For Love," I am
ready to share my discoveries with you. I hope they will
benefit you in your search for intimacy. So, enjoy this book
and learn how to master your Reach For Love.

vii.
REACH FOR LOVEJ
Intimacy Tool Kit7
Mark Strauss
81999
 SECTION ONE
How to Be Single
 CHAPTER ONE
The Singles Scene

You walk into a bar and look around. From across

the room you see that good-looking person to whom you are
very attracted. You know right then and there that you must
meet this person and dance or have a drink together.
You approach coyly flash a smile and look away
quickly. The other smiles back to you, but looks away as
you look again. You know that it's going to happen. So, you
smartly wait for just the right moment, then spring into
action with a cool "hello".
The other person talks to you in a bright, friendly
tone. The feelings are just right and you have that drink
together. You dance and laugh it up. You begin to touch
each other in an erotic way. You are each other's
aphrodisiac.
You leave the club early and end up at your place.
You quietly, yet passionately, seduce each other. The kissing
is wild and one thing leads to another.
Before you know it, it is 4 A.M. and the other must
leave to go home. Phone numbers are exchanged. A kiss
good-bye and you watch as the other drives away. You
wander to your bed and fall asleep. You dream of the other's
undying devotion to you and have exciting fantasies of
being together. And then you wake up. It's mid-afternoon
and you are all alone.
You decide to wait to call, but when you finally do
no one is home. You leave a message, but the other never
returns your call. You call again with the hope, the
desire...the dread.
You realize that the other is not ever going to call
you back. You wish s/he would, but s/he never will. And so,
your hopes and dreams run down the drain, like they have
so many times before.

1
 You go to work and/or school and try to forget. By
the weekend, you know you must go back to that bar to see
the other, but they're not there. So, you look again and see
that good-looking person whom you are very attracted to.
You give a glance and flash your smile and the cycle starts
all over again.
This vicious cycle scars you and leaves you
lonelier each time, more than when you started.
Maybe...you hope...the next "one" will be the right "one",
but they rarely are.
So, what can you do, but try again with what you
know.
Maybe the situation is very different. You are a
cordial young adult at a friend's party. You meet a very nice
person, begin to talk and find that you like this person a lot.
You exchange numbers.
Later that week you get up your nerve to call the
other. They answer the phone and the conversation goes
along quite well. You arrange to meet the next weekend at a
restaurant or at a club.
You meet up with that person and things go great.
You really like each other and all moves along smoothly.
You may kiss each other good night or not, but you really
want to get to know this person.
You get together numerous times, decide to date
each other on a steady basis, and start a 'relationship.'
Soon, you are an item. People see you two as a
couple. The two of you are inseparable. You both experience
a hardy romance.
The relationship goes on strong for a year and a
half, but all of a sudden you begin to see things about this
person you never noticed before, characteristics that really
annoy you.
You find yourselves fighting all the time and you
sadly break up. Soon after this, you get back together again.
You try to work it out, but end up breaking up yet again.
You don't know where you, or the relationship, went wrong.
You are empty and distraught and scared to undertake a
relationship again.

2
 Breaking the Pattern

Look...Staying single is easy. There's no hardship

involved. The only difficulty is finding the next lover and,
then, losing them. But, by now you're used to the cycle and
it's a breeze. You think it will probably be like this forever.
And it probably will stay like that forever.....

UNLESS YOU MAKE A CHANGE.

What kind of change am I talking about here? Am

I talking about the kind of change where you must alter
your being, transform every action, realign every thought,
every word and every murmur?
Well...Yes and No. What you will need to do is to
start looking at yourself and others from a completely
different perspective, yet remain the person you are. You'll
need to learn new tools, yet integrate them in with the
positive devices you are currently using. And finally, you'll
have to leave behind negative patterns that you've grown to
love and cherish in your daily search for love. Do all this
and you will learn a new design for intimacy!

Meeting That Special One

Every single person dreams of finding that special

person, that magical man or women who just makes them
feel so ecstatic that life takes on new meaning!
This person will make dreams come true for us
and take away all our pain, sorrow and misery. 'He' will be
the most handsome, debonair, mannered gentleman there
is. And 'She' will be the most graceful, elegant, refined
beauty ever. 'He' will be wealthy and affluent. And 'She' will
have social-grace and come from a fortuitous family. 'She'
or 'He' will be the perfect match for you.
REALLY??? The fact is that most people are not
brazen beauties or handsome hunks. Most of us are not
destined for fame, fortune and glory. We are not the perfect
10!
3
 The average human being is an endeavoring, fun-
loving, kind-hearted, reasonably afflicted individual with an
average amount of money and material wealth. This person
just wants to be loved.
This person's hope is to impress you in some way
as to catch your interest. And you hope to excite them in
some way also, so as to get things started between you. You
both put on an image, putting forth the best aspects of your
personality, to impress each other.
The thrill of meeting that attractive person who
could be the 'right one' for you fills you up. At this meeting
an impression is made. The impact of this person's 'image'
has brought you into a state of curiosity.

The Facade of the Spectacle

The "facade of the spectacle" debuts! That is to

say, "The show has just begun!" The clowns come on and
humor you. The ringmaster starts the fun, introducing the
acrobats, the lion tamer, and the high-wire act. All the
while you are drawn in, for all people like to be entertained.
Actually, what is happening to you is that you are
becoming excited by the other's performance...their image.
This picture is what the other wants you to see of
themselves; a mask; a charade. It may come in the form of
a smooth disposition or a sophisticated composure, a keen
sense of humor or a romantic style, but it is most surely a
guise. And it surely builds up a curiosity to solve the
mystery of who this person is.
People tend to start out a meeting with suave-faire.
Actually, this is fine, as long as you know that this is what
is going on. Actually, although the attraction and the
experience with the other may seem deep, it is actually only
a shallow beginning.
This pretense is a great cover for uncertainty. For
fear of being rejected or not liked for who you are, you put
on the mask. And the other does the same. Maybe you see
this as common courtesy, or proper etiquette, and maybe it
is so, but it is still a cover for the fear of being hurt.

4
 Loneliness as a Disease

All people are lonely in some way. All of us desire

to be loved by a single person we can call our own special
“intimate.” 3 All adult human beings wish to find that
special person who will perfectly fit their every need, want,
and desire. And when we meet others, we often wonder why
these possible intimates don't fulfill us. We feel lonelier
when it does not work out. We are drenched in our own
self-pity, remorse, and are often angry at being left alone.
We try again and again and again. We go out to
have fun and to meet new people, but nothing seems to
come of it. We try letting intimacy come to us, but it never
comes. We drench in our lonesomeness, forsaken and
forlorn.
This lonesomeness can become worse and worse; a
hardship; an affliction of the heart; a disease. It can lead to
seclusion, withdrawing, feelings of desolation, and
isolation.
Everyone feels lonely at times, but this feeling can
become a disorder when people let severe loneliness drive
their lives. When soothing their loneliness becomes the sole
focus of their daily activities a severe problem exists.
Many of us turn back to the singles scene looking
for the comfort we crave. We go to singles parties and bars,
and answer singles ads attempting to fill the loneliness we
feel inside. The vicious cycle begins again. Satisfaction may
be found, but loneliness is, most probably, imminent.
The singles scene is not the cure for isolation and
loneliness. In fact, it can often make one feel more secluded
and lonely in the long run. If you want to eliminate your
loneliness, the singles scene is hardly the place to begin.

The Singles Ocean

The ‘Singles Ocean,' as I have come to call it, is a

wavy sea of frolic, desperation, and despair. You hop on the
'love boat' and sail off to a misty

3 Used in this text as a noun to indicate the

person or persons involved in an intimate
relationship.

5
ocean paradise. Most probably, you will get 'sea-sick,' but
you take your seasickness pill and continue. The cruise
starts safely enough, but you sail into uncharted waters
where ravenous sharks live. Further out on the Singles
Ocean, the ensuing storm engulfs you. You get pelted and
battered around by the 'swells' and the 'breakers.' You hold
on for dear life. As you witness the events that befall you on
your voyage, you just can't wait for the cruise to end, to get
ashore. But you stay aboard in hopes of navigating to
calmer waters. This may happen, but most singles leave
their journey with 'sea-legs' vowing never to take the
journey again.
You see...you're going to depersonalized parties or
bars to meet other singles that want personal intimacy, but
don't have the tools to make a successful relationship work.
Most of these singles are quite skilled at being single, but
they haven't the faintest clue of how to build an intimate
relationship. They claim they want to make 'you' that
special someone in their lives, and fawn you with romance,
but very few singles absolutely know how to build a long-
lasting intimate relationship. Many singles believe that a
relationship should be an effortless task that just flows into
a blossoming love filled with joy, happiness, and ecstasy...

...SCRATCH...

...Sounds like a
fantasy to me!

What you are actually doing is playing into a

vicious cycle that will keep you single. You probably think
that you'll find 'true love' at a singles event, and you may
very well find it, but chances are you'll meet a bunch of
singles that are really good at 'being single.'

6
 The Choice Is Up To You

This book is going to teach you how to go into the

serpentine singles scene, yet keep yourself totally safe
without fear of being drowned in the Singles Ocean. You
will have a set of tools that will allow you to listen carefully
to yourself and others in order to make choices about who
to become intimate with. You will know within a short time
of meeting a possible intimate whether to continue on or
not. Facades and games will not fake you out. You will
instinctively know how to deal with the singles you meet.
You will have no problems rejecting and dismissing those
singles who are disrespectful, uncaring, or lack the qualities
you desire.
You will master the art of finding the right
intimate for you. Once you know how to be single, a few
simple tips and pointers will get you going on your journey
toward meeting and keeping the fitting intimate.
Further, you will know exactly what is occurring in
your relations without being carried away into a fantasy.
You will learn how to read the patterns the other person
presents and if these patterns fit into the intimate
relationship you want to build. You will know how to
change patterns within your own personality that keep you
from becoming truly intimate.
Lastly, once you are in the best possible intimate
relationship, you will know exactly how to maintain it far
into the future. You will be ready to solve problems with
your intimate as they arise. This is the key to finding
everlasting happiness and true joy with your life-long
intimate.

7
 CHAPTER TWO
Are You Really Listening?

Listening is much more important than speaking

and being heard. Although both are quite important in an
intimate relationship, as shall be addressed in later
discussions, listening is by far the most valuable tool you
will use when approaching possible intimates.
I'm not talking about just hearing, which is indeed
easy, but really listening, i.e. being astute to what the other
person is saying. Attend closely to what s/he is really saying
about him/herself, to what s/he is saying about you, as well
as, to what s/he is saying about the world around them.
Listen closely to detect if the other person is making you
what they want you to be, instead of attending to who you
really are.
A person may be saying one thing with a certain
message, but actually mean the exact opposite. For a person
to truly listen he or she must hear what is said, as well as,
what is not said, but is conveyed in other ways. This is not
to say that one should listen with disbelief and suspicion,
but that one must listen to hear only the true meaning of
what the other is telling you.
There are various methods of really listening to
what others are telling you. It is important to listen not only
with your ears and your eyes, but to learn to listen mostly
with your intelligence and your intuition. Use your
reasoning skills to gather and deduce the message being
received. Your intuitive abilities can be used to interpret and
process the meanings being conveyed. Note how the
message affects you and how it relates to your cause (to find
a true intimate). Listen to the words being used and the
many other mechanisms being communicated carefully.

8
 Internal Listening

True listening chiefly involves the use of your

entire mind. Although you think you are hearing what is
being said, most of you are not as attentive as you could be.
I have devised a method called "Internal Listening" to help
you to be more attentive and to focus in on what the person
is actually communicating.
After hearing the words, the best way to truly
internalize what is being said by the other is to use your
conscious faculties to instantaneously repeat the words and
intonations of the other's message inside your own mind.
What this means is that you make the essential nature and
constitution of the message 'come alive' inside your brain.
By restating the message being sent internally, you will
have a chance to truly make the essence of the other's
message real for yourself. This also centers your
concentration on what is being said and how it is being
said, with the goal of truly knowing the person who is
speaking. By listening in this fashion you will be vigilant
and get a clear knowledge of what the other's message
means to you. If more clarity is necessary you can ask
questions or listen for more clues.

Listening Fundamentals

At any given time that a person communicates, a

multitude of mechanisms and levels are being employed
within the message. These include the choice of words, how
they are arranged, organized, and expressed, their content
and meaning, the intonations of the voice, body language,
and other internal and external factors.
Much can be told about a person just by looking at
their exterior. The way the person is dressed, their
grooming, and their hygiene can tell you much about their
demeanor. Of course this depends on the situation. Take
note if you are out in the singles scene and a person is
dressed poorly or if their grooming and hygiene is unclean.

9
 Body language can divulge much about a person's
attitude and lifestyle. From the smallest to the largest of
body movements, a person is constantly communicating
who they are to you. Gestures can tell you much about the
other's manners and their innermost disposition. Every
movement can be a signal about whether the other is gentle
or hostile, passive or aggressive, rational or irrational. Who
the other actually is can be seen from their use of body
language.
The other's facial expressions can clearly relate to
you their internal state. These expressions communicate the
person's behavioral and attitudinal approach and style to the
situation or topic at hand. Nervousness and boredom come
through at times on a person's face. Pay close attention to
the other's facial expressions, as they give valuable clues to
the other's true nature, perspective, and mood.
Intonations of the person's voice can also relay
subtle messages about their feelings and state of mind.
Vocal tones can come in many forms, but undertones and
overtones are what come through most often. Overtones are
the most prominent and most discernible connotations
within the words being spoken. They hint at what a person
is really saying behind their words. Sarcasm and cynicism
are prime examples of the use of vocal overtones.
Undertones are the low or subdued tones in a person's
voice. These modify the words' expression subtly. Certain
meanings can be decoded through the close monitoring of
the person's use of undertones. For instance, a person may
be acting friendly, but you may sense a bit of trepidation,
distance, or negativity in their use of undertone.
Words can be arranged and organized in many
different ways and content can vary widely, but each
variation will carry the personality and the attitudes of the
person you are listening to. By carefully attending to the
arrangement of and to the configuration of the words and
sentences used, you can get clues as to how the other
expresses him/herself. For an illustration, take the target
message of "I am interested in getting to know you better."
This can be said in several patterns, each with its own
idiom. "I hope we can get together again," could indicate
this meaning. Or another way to say it might

10
be, "I really like who you are. I hope you like me." Both of
these verbalizations indicate the same message, but in
different ways. One is more indirect, while the other is
more frank in its style.
A person's personality can be ascertained by
closely watching and listening to the qualities they express
through a simple opening conversation. This dialogue can
furnish you with various prominent indicators of whether
you want to continue getting to know this person or retreat
from them. Simple aspects, like a person's immediate
demeanor, can be clear indicators of the other's personality.
A person with a negative or egotistical air in their presence
may be demonstrating their general disposition. A person
who is confident, yet unassuming may give this impression
by being more suave and certain. Be aware that sometimes
people have times when they are not acting like themselves.
Take this into account. Be open to listen without making an
immediate determination of the other's personality. 4
Developing a sense of empathy for others is the
most reliable basis for interpreting the meanings others are
trying to convey to you. Basically, empathy consists of
listening closely to what the other is communicating, while
still considering one's own frame of reference. One's ability
to gather and understand the other's needs and desires
through unbiased-listening is what true empathy is about.
Empathy will be covered more fully and more distinctly
later in this manuscript.
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4 However, it has been shown that one's first

impression is correct 65% of the time.

11
 Deciphering the meaning of a message is the key
element to listening. Realize that all communication is
situation- specific. This means that if you said, "I love you,"
to a total stranger, it would mean something completely
different than if you had said this to your mother. The
words are semantically the same, but the context is different
in varying situations. Also, you must consider the source of
the message. Different meanings emanate from the same
words depending on their source. Consider the sentence, "I
really need to speak to you," coming from two different
sources. One source saying this is your boss, and the other
is your best friend. Obviously, you would respond with less
trepidation when this is spoken from your friend than from
your boss.
To be a good listener, you must take all these
aspects into consideration when you attend to others.
Paying attention in these ways will give you a great deal of
information about the person you are speaking with. And
with this information you will have the freedom to choose
whether you will continue getting to know the other person
or not. You will have the ability to see through the facades
and the games that others present to you. You will be able to
hear what is truly being said and make decisions based on
this.