South Park

"C3P-Oprah"

by
M. Bailey

Current Revisions by
M. Bailey, 10/14/10

Disclaimer: I in no way own these characters...just the plot.

This is not an official South Park script, this is just a
bored teen's attempt at humor.
 2.

“C3P-Oprah”
ACT ONE

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - MR. GARRISONS CLASSROOM

The kids are sitting at their usual desks talking to each

other. The room is buzzing with sound. Mr. Garrison enters
with a stack of papers and stands at the front.

MR. GARRISON
Okay children let’s take our seats.
Everyone try and be nice because
we’ve got a foreign exchange
student joining us today. Let’s see
here.

Mr. Garrison takes a look at a file.

MR. GARRISON
Says she’s from South Africa and
attended The Oprah Winfrey
Leadership Academy for Girls.

Mr. Garrison take another look at the paper.

MR. GARRISON
Her name’s , oh you gotta be
kidding me, her name is Mofo-

As soon as the first name is uttered Cartman giggles.

MR. GARRISON
Mofo-

Again he is interrupted by Cartman’s laughter.

MR. GARRISON
Mofo Lumalopobumba.

Cartman bursts out into full force unstoppable laughter.

MR. GARRISON
Eric.

Cartman continues to laugh.

 3.

MR. GARRISON
Eric, shut up.

CARTMAN
(still laughing)
Mofo hahaha

KYLE
Shut up fatass.

A knock sounds on the door.

MR. GARRISON
Come in.

The door swings open to reveal Oprah Winfrey herself! She is

being escorted by Principal Victoria. At Oprah’s heels is the
little African girl, Mofo.

MR. GARRISON
Oh sweet Jesus, It’s Oprah.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Mr. Garrison I’d like you to meet
Oprah Winfrey and Mofo, your new
student.

Cartman laughs again.

OPRAH
What an inspirational school,
Principle Victoria, I’m going to
give everyone in this school a
brand new flat-screen TV!

There is applause. Kyle and Stan look around.

KYLE
Dude, where did that come from?

STAN
I have no idea.

MR. GARRISON
Ms. Winfrey it is SUCH an honor to
meet you and I want to assure you
that little Mofo will be in
excellent hands.

OPRAH
Oh what a relief! I’m going to give
you a free trip to Hawaii!
 4.

More applause.

KYLE
Seriously where is that coming
from?

KENNY
Mrph mmmuph, mrp mrp.

STAN
Come on Kenny, where do you see a
live studio audience?

Kenny points out the classroom window where tons of South

Park citizens have gathered to watch Oprah. They are acting
as a studio audience.

OPRAH
How moving. I’m going to give
everyone out there a college
scholarship.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Mr. Garrison, would you introduce
Mofo to her new classmates?

MR. GARRISON
Okay Mofo, why don’t you come up
here and tell us about yourself.

MOFO
Oprah?

MR. GARRISON
No I’m Mr. Garrison.

MOFO
Oprah.

Oprah, unaware that her name is Mofo’s only word of English,

is moved.

OPRAH
What an emotional moment, I’m going
to take this entire school on a
cruise with me!

She waves to the people outside the window and leaves,

Principal Victoria follows. There is applause again.
 5.

MR. GARRISON
Alright Mofo, is there anything you
want to tell the class about
yourself before we start math?

MOFO
Oprah.

MR. GARRISON
Yes, she’s very generous. Why
don’t you take a seat next to
Timmy.

TIMMY
Timmy!

MOFO
Oprah?

TIMMY
Timmy

MOFO
Oprah.

TIMMY
Timmy Timmy! T-Timmy!

MOFO
(tentative)
Oprah?

TIMMY
TIMMY!

As awkward silence settles over the class.

STAN
Did Oprah just say she was taking
us on a cruise?

CUT TO:

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - CAFETERIA

Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Cartman, Jimmy and Timmy sit at a lunch

table eating questionable cafeteria food.

STAN
Three days? This stupid cruise
thing is for three days? Aw Jesus.
 6.

CARTMAN
What the hell you talkin’ about.
This is gonna be so sweet! We get
three days off from school!

KYLE
It’s over the weekend fatass.

CARTMAN
Fuck! So Stan you wanna be my
roommate?

STAN
(to Cartman)
I don’t know, hold on.
(to Kyle)
Wanna be my roommate?

KYLE
Sure.

STAN
(to Cartman)
No.

CARTMAN
What the fuck! You assholes!

KENNY
Mupr Muphr mpph!

STAN
No dude you don’t have to room with
Cartman.

CARTMAN
Hey!

KYLE
Why do we have to go on this cruise
anyway?

CARTMAN
Because Oprah said so. Don’t you
guys know anything?

STAN
What?

CARTMAN
If Oprah says it, you have to do
it. It’s the power of being a fat
black chick. Oprah power.
 7.

From across the cafeteria we hear:

MOFO
Oprah?

CARTMAN
I rest my case.

KYLE
I hate you so much.

CUT TO:

EXT. STANS HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Establishing shot.

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Randy Marsh is seated on the couch. He is watching TV. Stan

enters and walks right to his father.

STAN
Dad I need you to sign this.

RANDY
What is it?

STAN
It’s a permission slip.

RANDY
For what?

STAN
Oprah Winfrey’s taking us on a
cruise.

Randy takes the paper and stares at it blankly, completely

unphased in the mention of Oprah.

RANDY
Do I have to come?

STAN
No.

RANDY
Who’s going on this cruise?
 8.

STAN
I don’t know, everybody.

Randy is suddenly focused, he is paying full attention now.

RANDY
Everybody? As in the entire school?

STAN
Yeah everybody.

RANDY
You’re saying every child in South
Park is going to be on this cruise?

STAN
Yeah.

RANDY
There will be no children in South
Park.

There is a dramatic pause before Randy utters his trademark:

RANDY
Oh my god.

Randy drops the permission slip and runs into the kitchen.
Stan watches him go before grabbing up the permission slip.
He realizes Randy has neglected to sign it. Stan lays it on
the couch and begins to forge his fathers signature.

STAN
Goddammitt.

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

Randy makes a bee-line for the telephone. He dials a number
and waits for a response.

CUT TO:

INT. KYLE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

Gerald Brofloski answers a ringing telephone.

GERALD
Hello?

CUT TO:
 9.

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

RANDY
Dirk Diggler to Jewfro, Dirk
Diggler to Jewfro, do you copy.

CUT TO:

INT. KYLE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

Gerald looks around suspiciously before answering.

GERALD
This is Jewfro, I read you loud and
clear Dirk Diggler.

CUT TO:

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

RANDY
Jewfro, listen carefully. I’ve just
been informed that in under 24
hours there will be no kids in
South Park.

CUT TO:

INT. KYLE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

Gerald is surprised.

GERALD
Are you sure?

RANDY (O.S.)
Positive. Oprah’s taking them to
Africa or something.

GERALD
(a beat)
Are you high now?

CUT TO:
 10.

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

RANDY
Just call the others. Operation:
Super Awesome Adults Only No Kids
Party... is on.

CUT TO:

EXT. STANS HOUSE - THE NEXT MORNING - 4:30 AM

Establishing shot.

INT. STANS HOUSE - STANS ROOM

Stan is asleep in his bed when Randy enters. He is already

dressed.

RANDY
Stan, Stan.

STAN
(sleepily)
Huh?

RANDY
Stan get up.

STAN
Why?

RANDY
I’m taking you to the dock.

STAN
Now?

Stan looks at a clock on his bedside table.

STAN
It’s 4:30!

But Randy is already gone. Stan sighs.

STAN
Fuck this.

CUT TO:
 11.

EXT. BOAT DOCK - SO EARLY THE SUN HASN’T RISEN

Everything is calm until a single car drives up. Stan exits

the vehicle. It drives promptly away. Crickets chirp in the
background. There is not sign of the sun.

STAN
Goddammit.

END OF ACT ONE

 12.

ACT TWO

EXT. BOAT DOCK - SUNRISE

Establishing shot. We see the sun rise.

EXT. BOAT DOCK - CLOSER IN

Stan is still waiting.

Soon the other kids start showing up. Stan looks pissed as
Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny approach.

KYLE
Dude, why are you here so early?

STAN
My stupid dad wanted to get me out
of the house so he could have a
stupid party or something.

CUT TO:

INT. STANS HOUSE - SIMULTANEOUS

Randy Marsh leads the rest of the south park parents in some
intense partying. A keg sits front and center in the living
room. The men are gathered around it while Randy chugs from a
solo cup.

MEN
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug!

RANDY
Yeah!!

The men cheer.

CUT TO:

EXT. BOAT DOCK - SECONDS LATER

We cut right back to were we left off.

CARTMAN
(a beat)
Lame.

CUT TO:
 13.

EXT. THE OCEAN - DAY

The cruise ship floats on into view.

INT. BOAT CABIN - DAY

Stan and Kyle are unpacking in their cabin when they hear a
knock on the door. Kyle goes over to the door and opens it.

Cartman stands on the other side. He takes a breath,

signalling the beginning of a long-winded speech.

Kyle slams the door. A beat. Stan walks over and opens the
door this time.

CARTMAN
(to Kyle)
Fuck you Jew.

STAN
What do you want Cartman?

CARTMAN
(to Kyle again)
Let me switch rooms with you.

KYLE
No.

CARTMAN
(whiney)
Please?

STAN
Why?

CARTMAN
I don’t wanna room with Kenny. I’ll
catch poor.

KYLE
You can’t catch poor fatass.

CARTMAN
Goddamnit Kyle, just switch rooms
with me!

Stan slams the door in Cartman’s face.

CUT TO:
 14.

INT. BOAT HALLWAY - SECONDS LATER

Cartman stands staring at the door, almost dumbstruck. He

instantly turns, anger pouring out of his every action.

CARTMAN
Screw you Kyle!

Just then, Oprah walks by. However, there is something off

about the way she moves.

OPRAH
Why hello there!

Cartman huffs.

OPRAH
Is there something wrong little
boy?

CARTMAN
Yeah my friends are assholes.

OPRAH
Oh I’m sorry to hear that. Here,
have a free-a free- a free-

She is stuck, like a broken record.

OPRAH
A free- a free iPod.

Cartman eyes her oddly as a few security guards come up.

GUARD
Come on Ms. Winfrey.

The guards escort Oprah down the hall and into a room.
Cartman follows.

Through the keyhole, Cartman is able to look inside. There he

sees, from behind, Oprah. And then another Oprah...and then
another Oprah.

CARTMAN
(dramatic)
Oh my god.

CUT TO:
 15.

EXT. BOAT DECK - LATER

The kids are playing on the deck. Timmy and Mofo are playing
a modified version of volleyball in the background while
Kenny, Stan, and Kyle are playing with some action figures.

Cartman runs into frame.

CARTMAN
You guys! You guys!

STAN
Oh no, what now?

CARTMAN
(out of breath)
There’s something wrong with Oprah.

STAN
What?

CARTMAN
I think Oprah’s got a clone!

Cartman looks frantic while the others are unimpressed.

KYLE
(a beat)
Go away Cartman.

In the background, Timmy has thrown the ball over Mofo’s

head. It rolls off frame. She goes after, also off frame.

CARTMAN
It’s true asshole!

STAN
Yeah right.

In the background Timmy’s wheelchair starts rolling backwards

across the frame.

TIMMY
Timmy?

Timmy is ignored.

CARTMAN
Come on, I’ll prove it!

KENNY
Mrrrph mrp mrphh mrup.
 16.

Timmy and wheelchair roll completely off frame, we hear a

splash.

CARTMAN
I CAN prove it.

Mofo returns on screen with the ball. She looks around

quizzically.

STAN
(to Kyle)
Let’s just go dude, he won’t leave
us alone until we do.

KYLE
Fine.

The kids all follow Cartman back to Oprah’s room. Mofo is

left alone on the deck looking around confused.

CUT TO:

INT. BOAT HALLWAY - JUST OUTSIDE OPRAH’S ROOM

Cartman leads the kids on frame and towards Oprah’s room.

CARTMAN
They keep the clones in here.

Cartman opens the door and Kenny, Stan, and Kyle go inside.

CARTMAN
Remember, don’t make any sudden
moves, clones hate that.

KYLE
It’s empty.

CARTMAN
What?

STAN
There’s nothing here.

Cartman enters the room to see that there is in fact nothing

but an ordinary bed and dresser in the room.

CARTMAN
But that’s impossible!

KENNY
Mrrrph mur mph mrphh.
 17.

STAN
(to Kyle and Kenny)
Come on let’s play race cars.

CARTMAN
No! You guys can’t go! Oprah’s got
clones! There were three of them.
One had an a fro! You believe me
don’t you Kenny?

KYLE
Cartman, go fuck yourself.

Kenny, Kyle, and Stan leave. Cartman whines before plopping

down onto the floor, his arms crossed.

Suddenly, from some dark corner behind, we see a pair of

glowing red eyes, sinister. Cue classic horror movie strings.

CUT TO:

EXT. BOAT DECK - DAY

Mofo is still looking around by herself, confused. Her head

tilts left and then right. She is just as lost as ever. We
hear splashing.

TIMMY (O.S.)
Timmy?

Mofo looks around again.

MOFO
Oprah?

END OF ACT TWO

 18.

ACT THREE

EXT. STAN’S HOUSE - DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

The house is trashed, the parents are seated around the

living room spread between the couch and the floor. Randy
takes a hit from a small bong before passing it on to Stuart,
Kenny’s father. The bong continues traveling around
throughout the conversation.

RANDY
I am so high right now.

GERALD
Yeah.

RANDY
I’m so high that remote control car
looks like a stray cat.

STUART
(a beat)
That is a cat.

RANDY
(a beat)
Woah.

GERALD
Yeah.

STUART
This sure beats smoking outside
when my kids ain’t looking.

RANDY
Why’d we have kids anyway? If we
didn’t we could do this every day.

STUART
That’d sure be swell.

The parents think on this for a moment.

RANDY
We could, you know, kill our kids.
 19.

GERALD
Yeah.

They reflect on this as well.

STUART
Don’t they arrest people for that?

RANDY
Oh. Nevermind.

After a long pause.

RANDY
I am so high.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE OCEAN - DAY

The boat continues to bob along on the water.

EXT. BOAT DECK - DAY

Cartman paces back and forth on the deck. He is deep in

thought. Mofo stands in the background looking over the boat
railing. Cartman doesn’t even realize she’s there.

CARTMAN
This sucks balls! I KNOW Oprah’s a
clone! I saw it!

MOFO
Oprah?

CARTMAN
Yes Oprah! Didn’t I just say Oprah
you dumb bitch?!

Just then Oprah walks on frame.

MOFO
Oprah.

CARTMAN
Jesus!

OPRAH
Hi kids.
 20.

Mofo runs up and tugs lightly on Oprah’s dress while pointing

to the railing of the boat.

MOFO
Oprah Oprah!

In her own Lassie-like manner Mofo is trying to tell Oprah

that Timmy has fallen overboard. Oprah does not understand.

OPRAH
Yes, Oprah, that’s me.

She turns to Cartman.

OPRAH
Hello there.

Cartman gives her a suspicious glare.

CARTMAN
(begrudgingly)
Hi.

OPRAH
You look down. Is there anything I
can do to help you?

CARTMAN
Sure, tell me where you hide the
rest of your clones.

OPRAH
I don’t know what your talking
about son have a free nintendo-do-
do-do-do-

Oprah is once again stuck like a scratched CD, however this

time her head pops up like a demonic toy waiting to be reset.

CARTMAN
What the fuck?!

Security guards rush in with murmurs of “huddle huddle

huddle” as they escort Oprah off frame. A look of horror is
etched on Mofo’s face.

CARTMAN
I KNEW IT! Stan, Kenny!

Cartman runs off. Mofo is still distraught in the background.

CUT TO:
 21.

INT. BOAT CABIN - DAY

Stan Kyle and Kenny are playing with toy cars in Stan and
Kyle’s cabin.

The kids repeat words like “zoom” and “voosh” as they steer
their cars around the cabin floor.

CARTMAN (O.S.)
Guys! GUYS!

Cartman runs into frame. The guys ignore him.

STAN
(not looking up)
Go away.

CARTMAN
Oprah is a robot!

KYLE
Goddammit Cartman!

CARTMAN
No really, she is. Probably being
controlled by the Jews.

STAN
She’s not being controlled by the
Jews fatass. If she was she
wouldn’t be giving things away.

An awkward Silence.

KYLE
Oprah’s is not a robot Cartman.

CARTMAN
Yes she is, She’s a fucking robot!
Why won’t you assholes believe me?!

STAN
Dude, there is nothing wrong with
Oprah.

CARTMAN
(desperately)
I swear on my Xbox!

Kenny, Kyle and Stan are shocked.

 22.

KYLE
Fine.

CARTMAN
Huh?

KYLE
When we go to Oprah’s room and I
prove to you she ISN’T a robot, you
owe me your Xbox.

Kyle starts towards the door. Cartman follows.

CARTMAN
You can’t have my Xbox! Kyle! KYLE!

Cartman follows Kyle off frame, Kenny and Stan following.

CUT TO:

INT. OPRAH’S BOAT CABIN - DAY

Kyle enters first followed by Cartman. Kenny and Stan follow.

Oprah’s room is once again, totally normal.

CARTMAN
Kyle! Slow down Jew!

KYLE
See, nothing here, you owe me your
Xbox.

Kenny laughs at Cartman’s misfortune.

CARTMAN
Goddammit!

Cartman starts looking frantically around the room.

CARTMAN
This is bullshit! Kenny help me
look!

Cartman starts searching the room, tearing through drawers

and closets. Throughout this search Cartman is the main
focus. In the background Kenny wanders over to a bra Cartman
has unearthed. He slides it on his head like a hat.

KENNY
(Ta-da!)
 23.

Kyle and Stan laugh. The boys root around in a clothing pile
while Cartman continues to search for signs of robot life.

Kenny eventually makes it to Oprah’s bed. He jumps up and

down happily, the bra still flapping around atop his hood.

KYLE
Awesome!

STAN
Dude!

Kenny continues to bounce while Cartman searches. Suddenly as

Kenny bounces we hear an electronic click like that of a
cyber-lock being undone.

Suddenly, a secret door opens.

STAN
No way.

KENNY
Mrrrp Muphh Mhhr!

Cartman tuns, both astonished and pleased. Inside the secret

door is...Oprah-bot!

CARTMAN
Yes! In your face you dumb Jew!

KYLE
But-

CARTMAN
I was right!!

Suddenly , we hear slow dramatic applause. A man is hiding in

the shadows of the room.

MYSERIOUS DEEP VOICE

Congratulations boys, you figured
it out.

STAN
What?

MYSERIOUS DEEP VOICE

Unfortunately for you, you’ll never
be able to tell anyone the truth.

KYLE
What the fuck is he talking about?
 24.

STAN
I have no idea.

MYSERIOUS DEEP VOICE

You are the first and last to
uncover my secret. You see-

The man steps forward, revealing himself in the light. He

is...Al Sharpton!

AL SHARPTON
I am Oprah.

CARTMAN
Is that Don King?

Al Sharpton throws a mini hissy fit.

AL SHARPTON
I’m Al Sharpton!

KENNY
Murph Mmmph Murph Muprh.

AL SHARPTON
Yes! That Al Sharpton. Now, prepare
to die.

STAN
Why?

AL SHARPTON
All my life I’ve been laughed at
because I’m a fat black guy and no
one likes a fat black guy. But
everyone loves fat black women. So
I hatched a plan, a plan to make
people listen, a plan to create the
single most powerful fat black
woman of all time. And Oprah was
born.

The kids start tuning out as Al Sharpton continues with his

monologue.

AL SHARPTON
As Oprah. I’ve been controlling
Oprah robots for years, guiding the
world with what to read through my
book club, what to think with my
magazine or what to eat with my KFC
certificates. And now, Oprah rules
the world! And I rule Oprah!
 25.

The kids yawn as Al Sharpton finishes dramatically.

STAN
This is boring.

KYLE
Yeah.

STAN
Wanna go play Uno?

KENNY
Murph!

AL SHARPTON
No one is playing Uno! Now that you
know the truth, you can’t be
allowed to leave.

CARTMAN
(a beat)
Lame.

AL SHARPTON
And now children, you will face the
full wrath of Oprah!

Al Sharpton hits a few buttons on a remote and the Oprah-bot

comes to life. From the shadows 3 more Oprah-Bots come
froward. Each has a different distinguishing feature. One is
Skinny Oprah, another Afro Oprah, and the last straight hair
Oprah.

They each move forward menacingly. Al Sharpton grins evilly.

It looks like the end has finally come when-

The boat begins to shake and rock. Something is wrong.

STAN
What the fuck was that!?

Suddenly the door bursts open. Mr. Garrison sticks his head
into the room. Despite noticing a bunch of robots about to
kill his students he sees nothing out of the ordinary.

MR. GARRISON
Alright children, looks like we hit
an iceberg.

The ship gives a violent lurch and the floor begins tilting.
 26.

MR. GARRISON
So we’re going upstairs where there
some lifeboats, alright?

The kids nod.

MR. GARRISON
Well, come on.

The kids start towards the door.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, Oprah, we’ve been looking for
you. You better come too.
(to someone off frame)
She’s in here!

Mr. Garrison and the kids leave as a bunch of bodyguards

enter. They grab Oprah, all 4 of her, and leave. The door
slams. Al Sharpton simply stands, dumbfounded and defeated.

AL SHARPTON
Shit. They always forget the fat
black guy!

CUT TO:

EXT. BOAT - SECONDS LATER

A lifeboat is being lowered down into the water. Kyle, Stan,

Kenny, Cartman, and Mofo are all aboard it.

CARTMAN
This is the gayest field trip ever.
And what the hell is she doing
here?

Cartman is referring to Mofo who is looking over the side of

the boat at the water.

STAN
Shut up Cartman.

The lifeboat hits the water.

KYLE
I can’t believe we hit an iceberg.
Who doesn’t see an iceberg?!

Just then Timmy, still in his wheelchair goes bobbing past.

 27.

TIMMY
(weakly)
Timmy! Timmy!

Mofo points to Timmy. Unfortunately no one is listening. He

bobs just out of reach.

KENNY
Muprh muuhp mmmph.

As the boys talk, Mr. Garrisons lifeboat rows into frame.

MR. GARRISON
Alright children quiet down. Now,
I’ve just been informed that
helicopters are gonna come in and
fly us out so just sit still and
for the love of penis, don’t get
into any trouble.

After Mr. Garrisons speech, Timmy bobs by again in the

foreground. Kyle notices and fishes him out and into the
lifeboat.

STAN
Dude, where have you been all day?

Before Timmy has a chance to answer, the sound of a

helicopter hovering above disrupts them. Rope ladders drop
down in front of the lifeboats.

MR. GARRISON
Alright children, climb your ladder
and than wait quietly for the rest
of the class.

The kids all begin climbing up their ladders. Cartman goes up

first. As he reaches the helicopter he sees the entire thing
is being recorded for the news.

CAMERA MAN
This’ll be great for the news
tonight!

CARTMAN
What?!

CUT TO:
 28.

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

The parents are still partying. While Randy plays beer pong
against his wife Sharon, Gerald is watching the news while
totally baked. Across the screen are flashes of the Oprah’s
cruise ship sinking and some shaky camera images of the kids
being rescued.

NEWSCASTER
And in other news Oprah Winfrey’s
cruise ship crashed into an iceberg
just moments ago.
(to the crew off camera)
Really? An iceberg?
(back to the camera)
And in other news-

GERALD
Hey, hey Randy do those look like
our kids?

RANDY
What?

Randy looks to the TV.

RANDY
Aww man! Our stupid kids are on TV!

The parents gather around the TV to see the helicopters

flying the kids to safety.

GERALD
So...does this mean, they’re coming
home early?

The adults exchange worried looks. The house is totally

trashed.

STUART
Has this place always been so darn
messy Randy?

RANDY
(a beat)
Shit.

END OF ACT THREE

 29.

ACT FOUR

EXT. STAN’S HOUSE - DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - DAY

The parents are running around frantically, trying to pull

the house together before the kids come home.

GERALD
I think we’re gonna make it!
They’ll never know we had a party
and wished they were never born!

The parents cheer.

RANDY
Ok, since I’m only drunk and not
drunk and high I’ll go pick them
up.

Randy starts towards the door.

GERALD
(to the rest of the
parents)
Keep cleaning!

Randy goes off frame.

CUT TO:

EXT. BOAT DOCK - DAY

The kids are on the deck.

STAN
Where the hell is my dad.

KYLE
He knows he’s supposed to pick us
up right?

STAN
Of course he does...

There is a long silence.

 30.

CARTMAN
This sucks balls.

In the distance we see Al Sharpton. He walks up to the boys.

STAN
Oh no, not again.

AL SHARPTON
Hello boys.

CARTMAN
What the fuck do you want asshole?

AL SHARPTON
Boys, about Oprah...I’m willing to
buy your silence.

KYLE
Huh?

AL SHARPTON
Name your price.

STAN
What the hell is he talking about?

AL SHARPTON
Oprah is my life’s work. I cannot
afford to have it ruined. In return
for your silence I’ll give you
anything you want.

STAN
Dude!

CARTMAN
So, you would give me my own
Kentucky Fried Chicken?

AL SHARPTON
Sold!

Al Sharpton tosses Cartman a pair of keys shaped like the KFC

logo.

CARTMAN
Sweet!

A black car drives onto frame. It stops before Al Sharpton

and he climes in. We see a few Oprah-bots as he enters.
 31.

AL SHARPTON
Goodbye boys.

He closes the car door and drives off.

CARTMAN
I think I’m starting to like that
man.

KYLE
Shut up Cartman.

After a beat, Randy’s car pulls up.

STAN
Dad! You were supposed to be here
20 minutes ago!

RANDY
(sarcastically and
slightly drunk)
Well hi Stanley, nice to see you
too.

STAN
Can we just go home?

RANDY
Sure, hop in boys.

The boys enter the car.

CUT TO:

INT. RANDY’S CAR - HALF WAY HOME

The kids are halfway to Stan’s house.

RANDY
So, how was the field trip?

STAN
We hit an iceberg.

RANDY
Oh, well that’s nice.

CUT TO:
 32.

EXT. STAN’S HOUSE - DAY

Establishing shot. We see the car pull into the driveway.

Randy and the kids exit and start towards the main door.

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - DAY

Randy leads the way cautiously. The place is spotless.

RANDY
Hello? Anyone in here?
(whispering)
Jewfro?

A crash is heard, followed by the entrance of Sharon.

SHARON
Welcome home boys.

KYLE
What was that crash?

In the background, through a window, we see Gerald running

past to get to his own house.
SHARON RANDY
Nothing. Nothing.

STAN
We’re gonna go play Uno.

The kids go upstairs.

RANDY
They bought it!

Out of nowhere, the adults all come out of hiding and cheer.

CUT TO:

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - STANS ROOM

The kids stand around Stan’s bed where a completely naked and
wasted Mr. Slave has passed out.

STAN
(a beat)
Goddammit.

END OF ACT FOUR

 33.

TAG

INT. STAN’S HOUSE - STANS ROOM - THE NEXT DAY - NIGHT

Stan sleeps peacefully as we hear the sounds of a door

squeaking open and being shut.

A shadowy figure, Randy, creeps up to Stan’s bed. He has a

large knife in his hands. He raises it dramatically above his
head, ready to strike his sleeping son when-

Stan awakens.

STAN
Dad?! Jesus Christ!

Randy gives a look between the knife and Stan before shoving
the knife behind his back.

STAN
What are you doing?!

RANDY
(suspiciously)
Nothing.

They eye each other uncomfortably. Randy edges out of frame.

CREDITS