Thank God I M Single Again

Thank
God, I’m
Single
Again
written By
Pankaj Mittal
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www.fb.com/authorpankaj
PANKAJ MITTAL 3
Contents
Prologue 5
1. Chapter One 7
2. Chapter Two 15
3. Chapter Three 25
4. Chapter Four 37
5. Chapter Five 59
6. Chapter Six 70
7. Chapter Seven 88
8. Chapter Eight 91
9. Chapter Nine 98
10. Chapter Ten 104
11. Chapter Eleven 111
12. Chapter Twelve 115
13. Chapter Thirteen 120
14. Chapter Fourteen 125

15. Chapter Fifteen 132
16. Chapter Sixteen 136
4 THANK GOD, I’M SINGLE AGAIN
17. Chapter Seventeen 139

18. Chapter Eighteen 143
19. Chapter Ninteen 151
20. Chapter Twenty 154
21. Chapter Twenty One 158
PANKAJ MITTAL 5
Prologue
“Don’t ruin my life, Avigya. Leave me, forget me.”

I stared at the screen of my cell phone, unable to believe that the
words belonged to her. Just this morning we had planned to shift from our
respective hostels to two flats close to each other.
“Why are you saying all this?” I messaged back.
She replied - “Please don’t mess up my life, don’t message me again,
and forget me.”
I checked the calendar, it wasn’t 1st April. Any chance she was drunk?
Although, she had never touched a glass of drink as much I knew her. With
a confused mind, I buzzed her.
The call was disconnected even before the first ring could go through.
Her message followed. “I don’t want a relationship with you, forget we
ever met.”
The sudden thought - “Maybe she is serious” - was enough to cause
terrible fear. My hands trembled as I typed the next message, trying
desperately to convince myself she was just kidding.
“Now that’s enough, Kashu… Just stop it!”
“Avigya, I’m serious. Please go away from my life forever.”
I was stunned. The only way I’d believe this was if she swore on me
that she really meant what she said.
I texted her – “hey sweetheart, just swear on me once and say that you
really want me out of your life.”
Fear flooded my mind. Her passionate face flashed before me. My
eyes fixed on the screen, waiting anxiously for her message. With every
passing second, my anxiety rose. I knew she would never lie to me,
especially when I asked her to swear on me. My
heart silently prayed to God, may this be a stupid joke, or a childish

revenge, for all the fun I’d made of her during our relationship. Oh God,
please don’t let this be true.
I hoped the next message from Kashika would be - “I was just kidding
my love, how could I ever go away, leaving you alone?” A piercing sound
emerged from the cell phone. I’d forgotten about the game I was playing
when the message from Kashika shocked me beyond belief. I looked at the
screen spellbound, for the screen displayed –
“GAME OVER”
PANKAJ MITTAL 7
One
The same old morning blues had set in.I woke up in the most trifling mood
and dressed up in the sleaziest attire for drilling. And here comes the critic
to acknowledge my shabbiness…
“Arey beta, dress toh change kar le,” shouted my mother. “It’s okay
Mummy, ladki dekhne nahi ja raha hun” I replied. “Acha lagta hai
kya beta, half-pant mein tuition jaana?” she
said.
Her pitch rose asking me to change my clothes...
“I am not going to attend a marriage ceremony…It’s just a coaching
class”….I said while running off my mother’s sight to avoid further
ruckus.
Still drowsy, I glared at the clock. The minute hand had already swept
over the hour hand. I hated the morning tuitions. I dragged myself, pulled
my books from the shelf, splashed some water to snap me out of sleep and
ran towards the garage to get my scooty.
And within seconds I drove past the beautiful lanes surrounded with
green bushes at both side.Soon I was engulfed with cool morning breeze,
resulting in goose bumps over every square inch of my skin.The morning
was calm and quiet with desolate streets and no sign of any existence till
far. The sun slept behind the lofty mountains. Darkness still prevailed.
Unidentifiable sounds by unknown creatures assaulted my ears. These were
neither pleasing to the ear nor welcomed by someone who had been forced
out of a warm, comfortable cozy bed to face the freezing temperature
outside. Finally with watery eyes and red nose, I arrived at my tuitions. I
heaved a sigh of relief. I wasn’t too late for the class and
could see another student struggling with his dad’s old scooter with broken
centre stand. Poor fellow was having trouble finding its centre of gravity as
the vehicle persistently kept on falling on all sides imaginable.
***
My complaints continued and I found the C++ classes as the most

unexciting thing in this world. But today life had planned something more
for me then just a normal algorithm of codes and solutions.
Today the class had a magical moment of love in store for me. This
was the place which made me realize how magical life becomes when you
start living for someone else. Our C++ tuition was where we first met and
fell in love. I correctly remember that day, it was 18th January 2008…
Some sort of sound, a melodious “cham cham..cham cham”, distracted

me. I looked up, trying to trace the origin of the sound.Imagine a scene
from one of Ram Gopal Verma’s movie…The whole world is lost in deep
slumber when suddenly Mr Someone in the movie hears the faint stirrings
of sounds, a woman’s anklet might make. Sleep flees as the character seeks
out the source of this sound, while moving in slow motion, trembling
uncontrollably. His unexpected encounter with a body-less soul knocks
him senseless.
But now it was neither night nor were we asleep, for witches to
wander around working overtime. Finally the active gray matter in the
brain concluded that maybe it was a bitch that had been fired by some
movie director for poor performance, and by mistake she had lost her way
to our tuition.The bitch with the anklets on was still not in sight.
And here she appeared as I can vaguely describe…”An adorable

bitch”.
For the next few minutes, my eyes encountered the most bizarre
moment of my life. Eyeballs popped out of the sockets, I never had a
glimpse of such a pleasant beauty. My soft heart made me feel guilty for
using “bitch” for her. It was swiftly replaced by an “angel”.
She was not a plastic beauty, made-up of overdosed cosmetics. That

was her untouched look; long eyelashes framed with
PANKAJ MITTAL 9
mysterious twinkling eyes, sharply etched eyebrows added to her

mysterious allure. A strand of hair escaped her braid, resting on her cheek,
which she put behind her ear quite often. Her lips curved softly.
I wasn’t the only one enamored by her killing looks; there were twelve
more pairs of masculine eyes scanning her. I didn’t like the way they
adored my angel. That was enough to burn me to ashes. Her first sight
itself made me realize-”She was mine, and made for me”.
In her blue jeans and white top, she was a treat to the eyes. But maybe
her outfit was quite modern, or it was those pairs of watching eyes which
made me think so, but I wished she had worn something less figure
defining. Anyways, everyone would have considered me a nerd if I
commented on her attire. But whatever, it was her choice and I was no one
to comment on that, and especially when I knew nothing about her, not
even her name.
“Come! Kashika, sit down here,” said our Coaching sir, Mr.
Ramanujan, directing her towards a vacant seat near him, away from all
others.
“Kashika. Nice name,” I murmured.
Kashika-Avigya, Avigya-Kashika,” I thought, trying to couple it with
my name. “Hmm … Not bad …
She moved straight ahead, not paying the slightest attention to anyone
present. An air of attitude! I concluded.
“Why you got late Kashika?” Sir questioned her.
“Sir, my mobile battery was out so I missed the morning alarm,” she
said, plainly trying to justify herself.
Her voice was cute, and pleasing to ears. Moreover, it was so baby
like that it started playing a tune in my heart…
Your voice, like a beautiful melody,
Has touched the chords throughout my body I could
die a thousand deaths,
To hear that melody with my each breath…
“Take care it shouldn’t happen again, or else I won’t wait for you,” he
said.
“Don’t you worry dear,” I wished I could tell her, “You come on your
own time, I will take private classes for you.”
“Sorry, Sir! It will never be repeated,” she replied, with her head
bowed down slightly.
I felt like smacking Ramanujan Sir for being harsh to her. How could
he scold such an innocent girl so badly for just being bit late? But very next
moment I liked his wisdom of making her sit away from those boys, all of
whom I wished I could have thrown out, failing which, I could have
happily pulled the retinas out of their eyes.
“So today’s topic is functions …” The class began as usual, and soon
everyone got busy with the lecture except me. I kept thinking everything
apart from the codes which sir was teaching. I kept thinking about Kashika.
Some scratched their heads, some chewed their pencils and I played
with my short length pants and long legs. Not that I was too fond of my
legs but I felt embarrassed, for Kashika was sitting on the other side, and
here I was, almost half naked, wearing shorts and a sleeveless tee.
Throughout the class I tried hard to cover my body, sometimes with a book
or by changing my postures.
I realized that I should have listened to my mother, and yes she was
right - Sach mein acha nahi lagta half pant mein, especially when there is
an angel sitting near you.
I got worried about her relationship status too—was she single or
already in some relationship. A cold war was wagging between my heart
which had started liking her, and the logical part of the body, my mind,
which always went against my heart but always revealed the truth.
She is so pretty,she must be committed to someone,” popped up in my

mind.
“Is it necessary that every beautiful girl must be committed?”
questioned my heart.
Mind: “But there are lots of boys in her class”. “So
what?” – Heart.
Mind: “So why should she like you?”
“I am smart, cute looking, in short ‘An eligible single” – Heart. Mind:
“So what, many are”.
“That’s true” – Heart.
Mind: “She must be committed”
“Maybe she is not?” – Heart. Mind:
“Will she like me?” “Why not?” –
Heart.
“No.”
PANKAJ MITTAL 11
“Maybe.” “No
way.”
“Arghhhh …”
Mind: “Idiot…!! Check her out on Facebook…”
Heart: “Yessss….!!!”
Engrossed in my own thoughts I didn’t realize that the class had come
to an end, and me, I sat there clueless about what was taught all this while.
An hour had passed thinking about Kashika, yet I was in the same state
handling disputes of my heart and mind.
The calm and quite environment of the room was suddenly replaced
by the hustle-bustle of the students packing their bags clumsily and
struggling to get through the single door, all at the same time.
But not everyone was in a hurry. Two were left in the room out of the
whole lot. One was Kashika, who being the only girl in the batch, was
waiting for everyone to go through, and the other was me, who had decided
to follow her to find her whereabouts.I know it sounds dumb but after all
she is – “My Love-At-First-Sight”.
Finally she got up to go, and so did I. After smoothing out the
wrinkles from her dress and patting her hair in place using long graceful
fingers, she moved towards the door. I was anxiously waiting to follow
her. Her moving out of the room was my cue. But hardly had I crossed the
room when someone called my name, and I was forced to halt.
“Avigya! Just wait,” said Mr. Ramanujan from where he was sitting.
“Yes Sir,” I replied, with one leg over the threshold, the other still
hanging midway and some invisible force pulling me out.
“From tomorrow onwards you come in the evening batch, at 6.00
p.m.” he said to me, looking at the small paper in his hand, which I
guessed was his time table.
“What! But why, Sir?” I exclaimed in shock.
He looked amazed at my sudden exaggerated reaction. After a brief
pause he replied “Haven’t youasked me yesterday to change your batch?
You were finding it difficult to attend the class in the morning?”
Damnnn..!! I recalled that I’d requested him to shift me to the evening

batch because I hated getting up so early in the morning. But now things
were different, I wanted to attend exclusively the morning batch for
‘pretty’ obvious reasons.
“Umm… No problem Sir, I will manage the morning batch itself.”
“Actually sir, I have another coaching class at 6” I lied.
“You are really impossible..!! Fine, come whenever you feel like,” he
said this in an irritated tone.
But I had my own issues to take care of and was least bothered about
his irritation. I kept cursing him because I could see Kashika reaching the
end of the lane; though still in sight.
I thought if I flip from here now I can still catch her.
The moment I kept my foot forward towards the door another question
popped up -”So how are your studies going on?”
“Damn,why only today he had to ask all the questions in the world.”
“FINE…”I realized I was a bit loud, then adjusting my volume I

continued, “Sirrrr.”
Maybe he had realized my intentions, or rather my peculiar actions,
because finally he said, “Are you in a hurry?”
“Yes Sir, actually I have to go to the station to pick my cousin up, I
have to rush”, I tried to wind up the whole sentence with one breath.
“Okay then. You can leave.”

“Thank you Siirrrr”,I said, unsure whether to curse him, or to thank
him.
In a spur of a second I was outside the gate, unlocked my scooty and
zoomed at high speed trying to find her somewhere at lane end. I zipped a
good distance but coudn’t find her. Unwillingly, I tamed down my scooty
to a manageable speed and stopped.
Life had its play. I felt I had lost a big chance. I knew I was being too
melodramatic but I have always been like that when it comes to Kashika.
I stood at the crossroads, gazing at two ends- One that led me towards
my home and the other to an unknown destination.
I remembered the words I had heard in a movie -
“Zindagi mein humari watt isse nahi lagti ki hum kaun sa rasta
chunte hain, watt isse lagti hai ki hum kaunsa rasta chodte hain.”
PANKAJ MITTAL 13
Applying the above rule I took the way opposite to my home. I drove
a long distance but disappointed as I couldn’t find her.
“Anyways better Luck next time.”I consoled myself.
I drove back home. Driving past the lanes, I found music in the
weirdest voices, the sky looked more blue, the trees dancing at some tune. I
felt as if the nature too is celebrating my Love.
“Yes, Avigya Gupta, you are in love”, I said to myself as I entered the
house.
I threw my bag and lied down on my bed, exhausted and lost. But the
smile on my face couldn’t fade away.
Those twinkling little eyes, vibrant smile, the subtle hair
knot…..Kashika, Kashika…She was ruling my thoughts that day. I smiled
unknowingly, blushed often and struggled hard to avoid it.
She was beautiful, soothing to my eyes, maybe many girls in the world
have these qualities and I had not noticed, but whatever the truth was, there
was something about her which made her stand out in the crowd, and made
me think about her constantly.
All I wanted was to dance, I got up from the bed, jumped up, twirled
around, and sang……””Pehla Nasha… pehela khumaar...”
I circled on the floor, my hands held apart as if she was in my arms
like in ballet, and I was dancing with her. If just imagination could give me
such pleasure, I would wait a lifetime for the chance to hold her in my
arms.
Still singing, and lost in my dreams, I made my way to the kitchen. I
grabbed Mummy from the back, turned her around and kissed her on the
forehead. Then, putting my arms around her, I started dancing.
“Get lost…,” she said. “You din’t even had a shower.” She tried to
push me out of the kitchen.
“Dance with me first, then I’ll have a shower,” I said, holding her
hand.
“I’ve got enough work to do. I am not useless like you.” “Have
shower first, breakfast is ready.” She pulled herself free from my grip.
“Why are you in a hurry always?” I started singing again. “Kya baat
hai aaj mera laado bahut khush lag raha hai?” She
said, knocking the back of my head with her knuckles. Mummy often
called me laado. I hated being called laado as it is so feminine
but today I dint even oppose her for calling me laado. Offcourse ‘The Love
effects’ had set in.
“Yes Mummy, I’m very happy today,” I said, and taking advantage of
the situation, I tried to pull her out of the kitchen. “Come on Mummy,
can’t you cook later?”
“Will you go out of the kitchen, or shall I call your dad?” she said
with a smile.
“Okay,Okay I am going, Don’t call the high command(my dad) for
such a small thing”.I said with a wink.
“Don’t be crazy, leave now” she said pointing me towards the
bathroom.
Yes, I was going crazy, I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I
wanted to dance, I wanted to sing without reason.
I asked myself again-”Is this love? Or was it just infatuation? I had no
answer. Moreover I didn’t want to know. I knew I liked Kashika and
wanted to see her again. The thought itself led me into my world of
dreams, and I could hear the angels sing...
My Heart, It Speaks A Thousand Words

I Feel Eternal Bliss
The Roses Pout Their Scarlet Mouths
Like Offering A Kiss
No Drop Of Rain, No Glowing Flame
Has Ever Been So Pure
If Being In Love Can Feel Like This
Then I’ m In Love For Sure
PANKAJ MITTAL 15
Two
I pulled out my Wrangler jeans from the shelf, which I usually wore on
special occasions. I tried on a dozen different shirts and tees, looking in the
mirror to decide which one suited me the best. Finally I settled on a blue
full sleeved tee-shirt which my mother had gifted me on my birthday.
It took me hours to get ready that morning. Already I had spent an

hour combing my hair.
Vocabulary fell short trying to describe my state of mind. Happiness,
excitement, curiosity, enthusiasm were still not enough to depict a clear
picture of my mind. I was going to see my Kashu again after a long
awaited span of twenty four hours.
“My Kashu”,I said to myself.
Aaaahhhh ….it felt amazing to feel that sense of belonging for
her.
“Ahem! Ahem!”
I did not notice when my mother entered the room. Had she been
watching me trying out different hairstyles? I dropped the comb in
embarrassment.
“Mmmm….Mummm…..yyy…you…,” I stammered.
Each day, when the sun illuminated the sky with its empowering light,
my mother was the only witness to it. But today I witnessed its
magnificence as well. Today, the requirement of the usual alarm of the
clock seemed useless. I did not need my mother to wake me up; the very
thought of meeting Kashika was enough to keep me awake all night long. It
was 5 o’ clock when I
got out of bed, a whole hour before my usual time, when my mother had to
work hard to get her sleeping laado out of the bed.
She picked up the comb from the floor and started caressing my hair
with her fingers”That’s so typical of moms,”I thought.
“So beta, what happened to your all time favorite half pants?”she said
in a taunting way.
“Nothing. I thought I should listen to you,” I replied in an unassertive
tone.
“Oh…!!! Thank You God, finally my laado has started listening to his
mother.” And she overreacted to the situation, with her hands up, praying
to the almighty.
“Yes Mom,” I said confidently.
Then examining me from head to toe she commented again, “Beta
ladki dekhne jaa rahe ho kya?” I heard sarcasm in her tone.
“Yes Mummy, how did you come to know?” I wished I could have said
that.
“No! I’m going for the class,” I answered in response to my mother’s
question, trying to cut off further questions.
“Oh…!! a marriage ceremony, I’m sure they will be honored by your
presence,” she said turning a deaf ear and pulling my leg.
“No mom, no marriage ceremonies, just studies. I am leaving now,
bye”, I said this trying to search for my scooty keys.
“What about breakfast?”
“I’ll have it after returning from the class.” I avoided eye contact with
her.
No-way could I have eaten, I was so excited. Already for the
thirteenth time I had checked my clock. I just wanted it to strike at 5:30
sharp so that I could have left for my tuitions, and spent an hour watching
her, adoring her beauty, hearing her voice, and enjoying her presence.
Ten minutes were left, and in those ten minutes, my brain was still
preoccupied with questions, a series of unanswered questions came to my
mind— what has happened to me? Why was I so desperate to see her?
Why was I trying so hard to impress her? I didn’t know anything about her,
but still wanted to be with her. Why? I’ve been around with lots of
beautiful girls, even more beautiful than her, but still, why was she stuck in
my mind?
I was smiling with no reason.
I was dreaming in broad daylight.
PANKAJ MITTAL 17
Seeking reasons to catch a glimpse of her. I

seemed to be doing the craziest things.
Love was unbound and so were the answers to these questions. Too
engrossed with my thoughts, I did not realize that it was already 5:40. I
immediately jumped up, and without wasting the millionth of a second I
took my bag, and giving a final touch to my hair, I sped out of my home
towards the Coaching classes.
***
Beautiful morning indeed. The surroundings were bright and peaceful. A

cool morning when the dew rested on the satin leaves and the birds excited
to be just out of their nests after a long dark night. A flock of bird flying
past the mango tree added colour to the beauty of the nature. The cool
winds blowing from the west were soothing and refreshing, and above all, I
was looking unusually smart in my jeans and tee-shirt.
I never liked mornings. But today, everything around seemed to

glitter. Maybe it was my mellow state of mind, but I was amazed how this
beautiful, untouched creation of God has gone unnoticed by me.
However, the immediate reassurance was that in a few minutes I

would be able to witness the alluring beauty of Kashika.
I parked my scooty outside the entrance gate. By the dozen of shoes
and slippers left outside, I could tell that most students have arrived. But
my eyes looked for a pair of female footwears.
“Seems like she is yet to come,” I thought, and it was enough to
disappoint me, for I had come today only for her. Suddenly, the day did not
seem pleasurable anymore. The “kuoo kuoo” of the Koyal irritated me.
The sun no more looked bright. It was rather irritating. I entered the gate
and my face again sparkled finding her red flip-flops lying in the corner.
“Yippee, she’s here!” my heart sang to me a dozen songs within a

fraction of seconds.
It’s really strange how this little thing called ‘Love’ wins over the
heart and gives happiness when all the pleasures of the world fail.
Gathering all my excitement, I entered the room, gently moved my

eyes around and spotted my little princess. She was sitting in the corner
turning the pages of her notebook.
She looked stunning, draped in a striking salwar embedded with eye

catching pearls, with golden tassels lining the hem. The dark green and
maroon combination looked as if it was made especially for her; she
looked much more beautiful than last time.
Once in a lifetime, you find someone
Who touches not only your heart, but also your soul, Once in
a life time, if you are lucky,
You find someone . . .
I believe my someone was right in front of me.
I took my usual place beside Mr. Ramanujan, with Kashika on the
other side. This was the place which gave me her best view from the
periphery of my eyes, without giving her the slightest idea of being
watched.
Mr. Ramanujan, or “The Diffuser”, as we called him out of affection,
had the unique talent of diffusing various hazardous chemicals in the air.
The gases released during the reactions were powerful enough to make a
lame man sprint like an athlete. He was short, his nose bulging out, half of
his face covered by the oversized spectacles he wore, which we believed he
must have bought from the Chor Bazaar (Flea Market). His big
hemispherical tummy, which always reminded me of the pot my mother
bought every summer to keep the water cold, was the home for all the
chemical reactions he performed.
The classes began as usual. I was feeling much better today as I was
dressed in my best possible outfit. I wanted to talk to her, but the as usual
“HOW??”, stood as a challenge.
Everyone was busy with C++ codes, but on her face I could see all
possible combinations of emotions. Sometimes her eyebrows tilted close to
each other, sometimes a tense marquee appeared on her forehead, and
finally with the passage of time I could again see a cute, innocent smile
appearing over her face…. because the lecture was about to end.
Finally the class ended and everyone left their seats, slowly moving
towards the door in a broken line. As usual, my Angel did not move.
“Sir, I have some previous doubts,” she said. “Okay.

Wait for the others to leave,” he answered.
Her words sparked a ray of hope in me. I may have a chance to
exchange words with her, if I too stayed back. Once again I found myself
in the conflict zone!
PANKAJ MITTAL 19
“Don’t keep pondering. Just open your jab and get over with it, before
Sir asks you to leave.”
“What will she think?”
“Okay, then get up and move out. What are you waiting for?” “No,
no, I’ll stay.”
But when luck starts to show its brighter side, things automatically
happen. I did not realize that while I was busy solving the conflict in my
brain, I was turning the pages of my tuition notes, and was gazing absent
mindedly at my notebook.
Noticing me ‘The Diffuser’ asked, “Any problem, Avigya?” “Hmm,
yes sir. I could not get through this logic,” I said,
pointing to a random page in my notebook.
“Okay, Just wait and let me free Kashika first.”
It gave me a sigh of relief. Now I had developed a better probability
that I would be able to talk to her. Now the only hurdle in my path was
Diffuser himself, and if he would leave, I could share some words with my
new beloved.
“Oh God, please take him out of here…. Please…. Please..!!” I prayed
desperately.
And maybe God was sitting idle that day, because he seemed to hear me,
in no time Sir got up from his place and said, “Go through your doubts
once again. I’ll be back in five-ten minutes.” I really wanted to hug him for
making a brisk decision of
moving out when I needed it the most.
“Take your own time ‘Diffuser’; we are not in a hurry,” I thought.
Now the moment for which I had been waiting was finally there. As
soon as he left, my heartbeat started pounding. It felt as if I was alone in
the battlefield to face the whole Battalion of enemies, all at the same time.
The room was unbelievably silent and fearful. Even the rustling of air was
audible. With only Kashika and I in the classroom, with utter silence, my
heartbeat increased its pace. I feared if she could hear it. But won’t it be
great if she really did? I mean won’t she like the fact that someone admires
her to that extent? That his heart beats for her so strongly?
But I feared to even raise my head and look at her. I don’t know what
was happening to me. Couple of times I tried to start a chat, but ended up
faltering.
“What are you doing, just talk to her.”? Questioned my heart.
Mind: “I can’t.”
“You will never get a better chance.” —Heart.
Mind: “What will she think of me?”
“You keep on thinking, and soon Sir will come, and it’ll all be
over.”—Heart.
Mind: “Oh No! Don’t say that.”
Finally a melodious voice broke the silence. “ Have you understood
these codes?” She pointed to a little piece of code in her notebook.
Damn..!! She was not an introvert as I had presumed.
I was shocked and stunned at the same time. I was carried away by her
innocence and simplicity. I looked into her notebook, trying to hide my
overwhelming emotions. Wow…!! The words were as beautiful as she was
herself. They were well decorated with green headings and blue sub
headings.
“Yeah, it’s easy.” I answered back.
She asked “Kaise hua yeh? (How is it done?)”
I was really thankful to God for blessing me with some skills at least.
Maybe she had realized that I was good at coding because she had seen me
answering questions in the class. I started explaining the code. I could not
believe my luck. Everything was going so well. I tried to explain code in
the best possible way, and in the least amount of time, I suspected Sir
would arrive anytime, and I would lose the chance to help my Kashika. I
wanted to know more about her.
“So, got it?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s so easy, but how come I didn’t got it before?” Kashika
said.
To which I had nothing to say. I just laughed, there was really nothing
in the code to understand. It was just basic mathematics.
She was still lost in her notebook. She was repeatedly murmuring to
herself, “Why did I not understand this?” while her index finger caressed
her perfectly shaped lips.
“I really feel sorry for you,” I replied, and my unintentional mockery
induced laughter in her.
Wow! I had made her laugh! I was ecstatic. I could have happily made
her laugh forever if only she’d be mine. My eyes happened to fall upon
something lying in the corner. It was a cell phone. I knew it belonged to
Diffuser, but the conversation should go on, so I asked her, “Is that yours?”
PANKAJ MITTAL 21
To which she replied, “Naah, I guess it’s Ramanujan Sir’s cell.”
Kashika, for sure, had a cell phone and she surely must have a
number, and the probability of finding her number in Diffuser’s cell phone
was pretty high. This thought awoke the little devil inside me. Now my
fingers and my eyes started to implement a sneaky idea. As soon as she got
absorbed within the book, I grabbed the cell phone. In the next few
seconds, a list of names starting with A appeared. Cursing that her name
started with a letter so far down, I hurriedly scrolled down to K. Kanika …
Kartik … Karishma … After scrolling past a dozen numbers, I found it.
The next entry in the list read “Kashika’s Mother” which, of course, I
ignored. I sneaked a quick look at Kashika. Her head was still buried in her
book. I quickly scribbled her number on the last page of my notebook.
Finally..!!I had made another leap towards my goal.
“Where do you live?” I asked her.

She replied “Near the railway crossing.”
“You’re lying; I’ve never seen you there?” I tried to keep the ball in
her court. Of course, it was stupid since there were lots of girls in the town,
and I couldn’t possibly know all of them, or have seen each one of them.
Still she replied, making me feel the question was not so stupid after
all, and carried some meaning. “No, actually I don’t go out much.”
“Are you the only child?” I asked.

“No, I have an elder brother” she replied.
“Thak, Thak….”We could hear someone approaching.
It was surely Diffuser’s shoes that made that heavy sound. He would
be here soon.
We started gazing at our notebooks. He entered, took his place, and
before he could locate his cell phone and pick it up, I did the job. “Sir, your
cell phone.”
“Oh! I left it here. Thanks.”
I should have thanked him for doing such a good deed. One’s mistake
is another’s opportunity.
After settling down, Sir asked Kashika, “So what was your doubt?”
“I understood, Sir. He explained it to me,” she said, looking at me

with her gorgeous eyes.
“Did he..? Really…?!!” Diffuser looked at me in his typical over-the-
glasses style, then continued, “Is it clear, or shall I explain again?”
“No Sir, I got it.”

He turned towards me and asked, “What about you?”
“I did not understand this,” and slipped my copy over to him. “Okay,
you can leave if you want or see how this problem is
solved,” he said looking at Kashika.
“Damn it, Ramanujan..!!” I thought looking dumbfounded with open
mouth at Diffuser and then I heard, “I’ll stay sir.”
For the next couple of seconds she was engrossed in the code which I
already knew very well, while I was busy admiring her.
I wanted to talk to her, I got her number too. No matter, I stole it and
grabbed the opportunity. Although the time I’d spent with her was short,
the beginning was not that bad.
She suddenly put her hands inside her bag and brought out a lunch box
wrapped beautifully in red wrapping paper. She offered the entire packet to
Diffuser. I had no idea what it was. And by Sir’s expression, I could sense
the air of oblivion around him.
“What’s this?”
“A surprise for you”, she said with her cutest smile.
He unwrapped the paper, and a lunch box was out. Suspense was
created in the minds of both of us as to what could be inside, although the
wafting aroma made it clear to us that it was some delicious eatable.
Without prolonging the suspense he opened it, and there they were.
Those heavenly beautifully decorated dhoklas, had some kind of white
flakes, and green leaves over them. In the corner of the lunch box was a
little packet of ketchup.
”Mummy sent it for you. I made it myself,” she looked overjoyed,
just like a little kid that made a painting for the first time and is now eager
for praises.
Sir neatly took out a piece from the corner, and put the entire piece in
his mouth. “Ummm, it’s good!”
And her pink lips curved.
Over the next few minutes I could see the quantity of dhoklas
reducing. They were really delicious looking, and the smell was
PANKAJ MITTAL 23
enough to make my mouth water. I desperately wanted a piece of those

dhoklas, those dhoklas that were made by Kashika’s tender hands.
Jealousy struck my heart, I was sitting silently watching him eat them all.
After swallowing another three or four big pieces, he seemed to

realize that he had already eaten more than his share. Taking a break, he
asked me, “Arey Avigya, lo na”.
I wanted to dive into that little box before Diffuser changed his mind,
but my ego prevented me from having it. I decided I would taste it only if
Kashika asked me.
“No Sir, Thanks.”I replied.
She immediately requested, “Please, have some.”
Without a second invitation, I attacked the largest piece, and yummm,
it was really delicious. I was lost deep in its taste.
“Kaisa hai?” she asked even before I was done relishing the delicacy.
I replied with my mouth still half-full,
“Hmmm…. Awe..Awe..Awesome…!!!” She
looked pleased and said “Thank you”.
Soon that lunch box was empty, and before I could pack that back into
a plastic she brought along, she took that box from my hands.
“No problem, I’ll do it”, she said with a sweet smile on her lips.
I did not argue, and returned the box to her. If she could be mine, I’d
get a passkey to those dhoklas forever.
The class was over and we left. She was ahead of me on her pink
scooty. I wanted to talk while we rode along on our respective bikes, but I
dare not. I saw her turning towards a narrow lane, and before she could
realize she was being spied on, I turned back home thanking God for the
awesome day. My day ended well, even though it was just 8:30 in the
morning.
***
A week passed by, but I didn’t find Kashika at the classes. The last time I
saw her was when I ate those dhoklas made by her.
“May be she is not well”, I thought
The number of classes without her presence increased. She didn’t
attend the classes for the next two weeks. I longed to see
her again. I really missed her presence. The same tuition which I first
hated, then loved, now seemed lonely. I had lost my interest in attending
classes. Everything looked lifeless in her absence. Soon she had become an
untamed desire burning deep inside me.
I tried to enquire about her from few of her school classmates, but
even they were clueless. I kept lingering around the lane where I saw her
last; but in vain. She got elusive. I tried her number, but disconnected
before the first ring could go, thinking of what would I say to her if she
would pick up the phone? Besides, what would I say if she asks where I
got her number from?
Finally I gathered some courage to dial her number. The screen
flashed –”Calling Kashika..”
“Beep….Beep… Beep … Beep..”, came from the other end. With
every beep of the cell phone, my heartbeat registered a spike. The beeps
finally ended when the phone was picked up, but it was not Kashika. A
matured female voice came from the other end. She kept on repeating
without bothering to hear to me, “The number you are trying to call is
temporarily switched off. Please try after some time.”
I called for the next two days, but her phone remained switched
off.
The exams were near, and I had hardly prepared anything. I really
missed Kashika, but had no other option other than giving up my endless
search. She had gone on a tour to Gujarat, which I came to know off lately,
but I had no idea when she would return back. The only thing I could do
was to sit and wait. If destiny desired, I would meet her again.
PANKAJ MITTAL 25
Three
The first year of my Engineering in Bhubhneswar ended. After every

semester I went back home. Every time I went back, I kept an eye for
Kashika, but never saw her.
I had lost all hopes of attaining her. She being my junior, it went
against my self-respect to approach her directly, or give her the slightest
hint that I was interested in her. To be honest, I madly liked her. Call it a
man’s ego; I never wanted her to believe that I was like other boys who
could be easily found flickering around sexy, beautiful girls, like bees
searching for nectar.
I even changed my favourite hangout to the junction near her house;
but again in vain.
Her cute face stayed in my mind. No matter how hard I tried, I
couldn’t forget that first glimpse of her in a blue jeans and white t-shirt.
One fine day at the college campus, almost unexpectedly, she

appeared in front of me and said, “Hi!!! I am Kashika,” casually putting her
hand forward.
“Me…I…..Myself,” I stammered, struggling for words. When did she
joined the college? I jingled in my mind.
I was amazed to find her as the new academic year had not yet started.
I couldn’t even remember my name in that situation. I was rather
mesmerized by her beauty. My eyes rested on hers.
“I’m Avigya,” finally I mumbled after a lot of stuttering. Lost in my
dreams I was holding her hand, wishing they could
be mine forever.
“My hand,” she indicated giving me a charming smile. I left her hand
with a jerk, feeling a bit embarrassed.
“Can you help me out with this code?” she asked me.
And my brain was sent back to those tuition days when I was excited
being close to her.
“Yeah sure, why not?” I answered recollecting myself back to present.
She sat beside me, with a gap of just a few centimeters between us.
For the next few minutes she was trying to understand the logics in the
code, while I was trying to put my logics in her code.
I struggled to concentrate as my dream girl sat right next to me. I
didn’t miss to have quick glances and admire her closely. I took extra time
to explain the code so that I can have the chance of sitting beside her for
long.
But as written in the Holy Gita-”Nothing is permanent in this world”.
Neither was her nearness.
I had closed the final curly braces of the code marking its end and end
to our short time togetherness. We both stood up to leave.
The obvious formal thank you was expected. But life had something
more for me. She suddenly whirled her arms around my neck and gave me
a peck on the cheek. I was stunned by her action, almost froze. She came
closer. I wrapped my hands around her waist and brushed away her lips
with mine. Next moment she was closer, our lips locked together, I could
feel the warmth of her moist breath. An unusual feeling overcame us. Sort
of restlessness came along with ease as she rested in my arms.
I did not know where the hell I got the courage to touch her. I slowly
moved my index finger towards her face. I was excited, nervous, and a
little cautious. This was all so sudden.
I touched her cheek. The touch felt heavenly. I touched her beautiful
eyes, which she had closed. The strands of her hair spread out against my
cheek, and I felt a jerk in my body. I was lost, totally lost. She was
completely in my arms. She started gasping, and our kiss became harder.
She was breathing hard. She stopped my hand, which was seeking out
more adventure. She leaned further towards me, and started kissing again.
For the next couple of minutes I closed my eyes and got completely
lost in her. Somehow, I wanted to imprint this memory in my brain, Our
First Kiss..!! Nothing mattered to us; the classes,
PANKAJ MITTAL 27
the code, the student, the faculties, nothing really mattered. We were blank,
just me and my Kashu, and the deep love.
She moved her hand inside my loose tee and started caressing my
body. But before we could move further, and I could get a whole new
experience, she stumbled back, freeing herself from my grip.
I looked at her in disbelief. Why had she stopped? Is something

wrong? Did she not like the taste of my lips? I could have sworn I brushed
them properly that particular morning, lucky me, that too with “Holgate
Active Salt”, as seen on TV. It was the best toothpaste prescribed by top
dentists for keeping the mouth fresh.
So what was the reason?
A tsunami of thoughts whirled around in my brain. Maybe she had
realized whatever she had done was not good and she had crossed her
limits, or maybe I had crossed mine. Whatever happened was all of a
sudden, and it was initiated by her. I was just helping her out. But, I got
scared and felt guilty that I may loose her.
She stood before me sobbing, her head down as if she regretted her
impulsive actions. All we had done was a kiss. In my opinion there was no
reason for her to cry, after all, it wasn’t as if she would get pregnant out of
it. It was just a kiss. Busy with my thoughts, and trying to console her, I
felt my arm hurting as if someone had grabbed me. I could feebly hear,
“Avigya… Sir, Sir.”
I ignored it.
How could anything else matter when I could see my Kashu crying?
She was not happy, and I was the reason. How could anything else be more
important?
“Avigya..!” someone shouted again. The sound was loud enough to
make my eardrums pop out. Kashika vanished, and sixty-odd faces took
her place. I blinked. I couldn’t believe I had been day dreaming. I could
almost feel Kashika in my arms……
I closed my eyes, hoping to recapture that incredible feeling, but it
was gone. I was not fully conscious of what was happening, but did realize
everyone around me was laughing, looking at me, and flashing their thirty
two. They made it very clear that I was not the only one using “Holgate
Active Salt”.
“Dreams could be so near to reality at times,” I thought.
I checked my lips. They were dry and pale. There was no Kashika, no
intimacy, but the same old boring classroom, with the same assortment of
faces.
If such a thing had been my reality, life would have been great. Just
me and my Kashu, in each other’s arms. But… “apni kismet kahan?”
Now instead of my Kashu a pair of red eyes had taken her place. It
seemed like I will be sentenced to death soon. Those huge red eyes were
glued on me as if they had witnessed my dream a few seconds back. Yeah,
it was no one other than our Mathematics professor Mr. Sher Singh. He
was burning with anger like a furnace about to blow up. As if instead of
kissing my Kashu I was kissing his wife (hmm…in fact not a bad idea).
With his every Sher towards me, my heartbeat was increasing and I could
hear it galloping.
In next couple of seconds he was standing very close to me. So close
as to feel his warm breath (which really stank). I hated his nearness,
especially when Kashika had been so near to me just couples of seconds
ago, so what if it was a dream.
“So, Mr. Avigya, where were you?” he questioned, possibly trying to
put sarcasm in his tone.
“Sir, here in the claaaaaaaaaaaaaass.”
“Ohhh! Really!!! Are you sure?”
Jitters of laughter went through the class.
Maybe it was the after-effects of my dream, or it was my unconscious
mind which was still not ready to accept the fact that it was all fantasy,
everyone knew where I was, and it did not make any sense.
But judging from the engineering point of view my statement was

logically correct, and practically admissible. I still believe Sher Singh was
foolish to ask that question.
“So, Mr. Avigya! Then you must know who stole my notes,” he asked
me.
I was clueless about what is he talking about?
“How would I know who stole your notes?” I replied in a confused
tone.
“Just now you said you were in the class, so you must be aware as to
who did it, Mr. Avigyaaaaa,” he replied, putting much stress on my name.
PANKAJ MITTAL 29
I could never understand why these professors are always after

students. Maybe they get some sort of pleasure by harassing and insulting
them; they must be included in the category of child molesters. He knew it
very well I was busy with my thoughts. Why was he trying to blame me?
Or maybe he grabbed the opportunity to divert the attention of the class
away from him. Someone had hurt his ego and this was his chance for
redemption and showing his authority.
I wished if I could have been a superhero (one who wears his undies
inside his suit), I would have casted villains like Sher Singh into the deeper
realms of outer space. But it was my destiny to face such evil in human
form. I decided I wouldn’t give up, since there were no lab practical for
Mathematics, he could do nothing to screw up my marks. Moreover I had
not committed a crime. The maximum he could do was to send me out of
the class, in which I was quite experienced.
With all these thoughts I’d been quite for some time. Feeling offended
he outrageously said-”It’s enough Mr. Avigya. Don’t act innocent. Just
return it to me immediately or else…”
I being already in a tensed mood, and he also had accused me for an
unknown act, so I fired back at him, “Or else what? What will you do?
How can you blame me for this, prove it? If you have any doubts, check
my bag.” I threw my bag at him.
He appeared shocked at my outburst, but that did not stop him from
executing a perfect catch. Everyone turned their faces towards me, their
eyes wide open, amazed at my guts. While everyone was busy watching
the free entertainment show, my best friend and roommate, Raj, was busy
tugging my trousers from behind. I tried to ignore him, but he pulled it with
so much force, that I had to hold on to my trousers. So, finally I turned
around.
Raj looked tense, his face pale. I gave him a smile of pity that how
could he be so serious at the very moment when everyone was waiting for
the climax?
But his next few words were enough to drench me into sweat even at
low room temperature and make me shiver at the same time.
“The notes are in the front zip of your bag, you idiot,” Raj hissed.
“Sahil stole it, and we hid it in your bag.” Sahil was my
other roommate along with Raj and my best friend too. Now were just
friends.
Milliseconds ago I was laughing at him; now he was.
“Fuck off! You asshole,” was the only thing I wanted to say. I
immediately turned around for my bag
Sir was busy searching for the notes in the back zip. I was relieved for
that moment, but was thinking about the consequences which would follow
once he found the notes in the front zip of my bag. I was sweating
profusely, while Sahil was busy laughing. I could literally see the slow-
motion flash back playing right in front of my eyes. What great attitude I
had, while gloriously throwing away the bag at the Devil. The fear of being
hit that came on sir’s face just for fraction of seconds. The mixed
expressions on everyone’s face of surprise, admiration and pity and me
being a superhero, with a cape fluttering around me and my fists resting
over the sides of my pelvis, in trade mark superhero pose. If only I could
have moved back a few minutes and stopped myself from acting so
foolishly. Already our names (Sahil, Raj and mine) were written in golden
letters in the disciplinary file, and we had been given one last chance. This
time surely we would be suspended, and suspended for the coming week.
Anyways I had already planned, I wouldn’t be alone. I would surely take
both, Sahil and Raj along with me. After all we were friends.
The whole class had their eyes pinned on sir.

He neatly returned all the books to the back zip, which meant now it
was the turn of the front zip to get investigated. Very soon I would be
caught. Every time he took out a book from the front zip, I skipped a beat.
All the things I had in the front zip were out, and now the only things
lying inside were the notes. I had almost sunk when he moved his hand
inside my bag for the final time. My eyeballs froze, preparing to see his
hands coming out with the notes. My stressful concentration was suddenly
disturbed by a Nokia tone which increased in volume with each ring. It was
Sir’s cell phone. The whole class started howling and shouting as soon as
the phone rang. Finally he understood that he wouldn’t be able to talk
inside the class, so he stepped out. No sooner had he crossed the doorway
of the classroom, I jumped from my place, took the notes, shoved it
beneath Sir’s table, and returned back to my desk.
PANKAJ MITTAL 31
A sigh of relief escaped my lips and I heartily thanked the savior who
had saved me from this danger. I also laughed with the group. Sir returned
to the class after his conversation and headed towards the bag to complete
his task.
As expected he found nothing, those notes were now dozing
peacefully beneath his table.
He gave me dirty looks, but I had grabbed the opportunity. “Are you
satisfied, or you want to check my clothes now?” I spread my hands wide
apart, offering him some more investigations.
Immediately Sahil diverted his attention from me. “Sir, I think they
are lying beneath the table,” he said pointing at the notes.
Sir immediately moved towards the notes, picked them up, and
checked them again and again unable to understand how he missed them
there. Repeatedly he looked at the notes and then towards the table,
scratching his head.
***
“Come, let’s go,” said Sahil.

“Yeah! I’m getting bored too,” Raj replied.
“Bunking class again!!! Why do you even come to college?” I
protested.
“Look who’s talking,” said Sahil, jabbing Raj’s stomach with his
elbow, and raising his eyebrows.
Their amazement was understandable, as I was one of the prime
members of our bunkers’ community. We hardly attended classes. We
believed nothing could be more frustrating than being taught by outmoded
professors. They proudly explained things which had lost their practical
implications and were of any further use in our careers. I would rather toil
throughout the night to understand the concept myself, than sit for hours
and listen to boring lectures. It made no sense to me.
“We are not interested in your bullshit, let’s move out before the
lecturer enters,” Raj said.
“Come on yaar, lets attend this class,” I said.
“Are you coming…. or not?” Sahil said in a firm tone.
Then they whispered in each other’s ear, not loud enough for me to
hear, but the smile on their face clearly explained they were up to
something.
“What are they upto now …”

And before I could apply a question mark to my sentence, the two of
them picked me from either side, raised me a few feet above ground and
took me out of class to our favourite eating joint.
Right from the first day of college—Sahil, Raj and I had become good
friends and shared a lot in common. The poor marks in internals, bunking
classes and playing pranks were some of the regular features. Moreover it
was preferable for the professors that we were out, rather than attending
the class and harassing them.
“One paneer puff and a Sprite,” I ordered.
“And two cigarettes with two Sprites for us,” Sahil ordered. “So Raj, I
think I heard someone saying that he quit smoking.”
I looked at Raj expecting some funny reason like everyone else. Just two
days back he had told me that he had quit smoking.
“Did I? Maybe I was sleepy when I said that,” Raj replied casually,
taking a drag of the cigarette and exhaling the poisonous smoke, which
then formed different patterns, adulterating the surrounding air.
Meanwhile the puff I had ordered finally arrived. - “Vinod Bhai’s

Dhaba” was our regular eating joint and our favourite place since the day
at the college. It was on the main road right outside our college campus
inside a not-so-cool shopping complex. Vinod Bhai, the owner, had
recently bought the floor above his shop after successfully running the
dhaba for over a year and a half.
I remember very well how I met Raj for the first time in the hostel,
during our ragging. How we stood besides one another, holding hands
when we spied hordes of seniors wandering around in search of fresh meat.
We all were new in the campus, that too in an engineering college where
ragging and bullying new entrants was a religion.
Raj was the son of a police officer. His dad held some high post. This
was reasonable enough to be friends with him. We can rely on his dad for
any trouble inside or outside the campus.
The fact that Raj was committed to some girl would have remained
hidden, but I caught him red-handed. He was exchanging romantic words
with his girl which I heard him whispering but felt unlucky for not being
able to hear the reply from his girl. Raj’s huge smile on his round face,
made it clear that she must have said some pleasant stuff.
PANKAJ MITTAL 33
“I love you, Raj,” I said from the back, in a girly voice.

He turned around with a stunned look on his face. It was dark, but I
was clearly visible. When he noticed it was me, he gave a sigh of relief and
said, “Saale, tu tha, pura dara diya yaar.”
“So how’s your sister, Raj?” I chuckled.
He made a pretext that he needed to call his sister before leaving for
terrace. I finally caught him enjoying his moonlight mobile phone
romance.
“Nichey chal sab batata hun” I said. He realized that it was useless for
him to hide anything from me now, and started sharing his tale of love till
4:00 in the morning.
As for Sahil, no introduction was needed. He was a love legend who
kept falling in true love every six months; absolute ‘true love’. He could
have done anything for that ‘true love’. One would always find him
engaged with someone or the other, round the seasons, till a time when
either his lover got bored and ditched him, or he got bored of his love and
dumped her.
Inspite of all this he never took much time finding new ‘true love’, and
thus his romantic days and sleepless nights began all over again. Anyways,
he was handsome with fair complexion and six feet frame to attract some
of the most beautiful chicks (or ‘items’ as we used to call them). Those
days he was in love with one of the sexiest lady of our class, Rashmi. He
assured us that he was very serious about her and would marry her. We
were used to numerous similar claims from him since the day we met. I
don’t remember much, but I think she was the fourth one he wanted to
marry after his B.Tech.
“Avigya, why don’t you try this?” Raj said, offering me his half-
burned cigarette.
“No thanks. I’m happy with my puffs.” I replied. “Why don’t
you get committed to someone?” he asked.
“I don’t believe in these love games,” I said, feeling guilty about the
morning incident.
“It’s real fun to hang around with your girlfriend” he said. “No yaar, I
can’t handle all this nonsense, late night calls,
little fights, big-big expectations and then sometimes you get annoyed, and
at other times she does. I’m happy being single and enjoy my freedom” I
replied.
“Don’t you like any of the girls? Are you into boys?” Raj chuckled,
and Sahil joined him.
“I like every third girl in the campus, does that mean I get committed
with all of them?”
Raj had heard me commenting on girls passing by our class window
many a times but he knew that my chapter ended there itself, and I never
tried too seriously for any girl. He knew there was no concept of true love
in my life, and that I felt safe at a distance from girls.
“No, you can’t and I won’t even suggest it. But you can at least give it
a try” Raj suggested.
“Seriously try it once, if you do not like her then leave her, simple”
Sahil said.
“Great, Sahil! Thanks for your inspiration. You’re a real assh**e!!” I
felt frustrated with his casual philosophy.
Yes, I have been conservative when it comes to relationships. “It’s not like
that always. I have been in a relationship for last two years, everything is
fine and we are still so crazy for each other
as we were two years back” Raj said.
“Maybe yaar, but I don’t want to be in any relationship. Love does not
carry any meaning in my life. I see girls, I like them, and it’s get over.”
Many times they came up with proposals for getting me committed to

someone, but I never accepted. I was being a hypocrite and a lunatic at the
same time because of Kashika. I tried to ignore the fact that I was still
daydreaming about her.
“You feel very different when you start living for someone else,” Raj
said taking the last drag from the cigarette.
“I have lots of friends to live for” I objected.
“We’re talking about someone you’re ready to die for,” Sahil said.
“I can die for my friends,” I answered without a second thought before

realizing the lightness of the statement.
“No, you can’t,” Sahil replied with utmost confidence.
“Yes, I CAN,” I emphasized trying to prove my point of view. “Okay.
Jump off the balcony.” Sahil casually pointed towards
the balcony outside.
Without a word I stood up, accepting the challenge. Next moment, I
found myself standing over the edge of the balcony. As
PANKAJ MITTAL 35
I looked down, I noticed the bikes parked outside the main entrance of the
dhaba on the road. I lift one leg and swing it across the railing. As I sat
halfway over the railing, I noticed Raj and Sahil’s expressionless faces and
giving cold looks. I again noticed the bikes, the broken edges of the road
and then a piece of iron rod protruding from the concrete of broken drain.
“Damn…. It will be really painful, if I survived somehow.” I was right.

The height wasn’t sufficient to kill me. I would have fractured a few bones,
cracked my skull or damaged my intestines. But I could not have killed
myself. And why should I kill myself? For the sake of a meaningless
discussion just to prove my point?
“Bloody hell…. Why should I jump? Are you my girlfriends?” Finally
I withdrew without any embarrassment. Sahil looked at Raj and they burst
out laughing.
“See? You finally got the point.” Raj spoke making me realize how I
had proved their point.
“Whatever. I don’t believe I will ever fall in true love with anyone and
go crazy like you fellows, but if by any chance I do get committed, my
commitment will last,” I still argued, but they continued laughing with
every word that came out of my mouth.
“I have many more things to achieve in life than wasting my time for
a girl” I replied as I joined them back at the table.
“I’ve come across guys like you. Those without girlfriends; they will
advocate against love, talk about friends being members of their wolf pack,
gangs, brotherhood, talk about culture and its impact upon the society.
They would even join the political groups on Valentine’s Day and vent out
their frustration on poor helpless couples. And when they find someone
someday, then they realize that love is all about being crazy and going mad
for someone else, and all the great talks and great Movements and wolf
pack and brotherhoods finally becomes rubbish,” Sahil said.
“My friend, may be you are one of them,” Raj concluded the long
speech.
“Okay, let’s see. I will wait for the day,” I tried to look determined but
somewhere in my heart I knew how hollow were my arguments. I wasn’t
like the guys Sahil had mentioned, but I was pretending being one of them.
All this time I had never got into any serious relationship with anyone,
although I had many female friends with whom I
used to talk for hours together without the slightest thought of getting
committed. I had labeled my feelings for Kashika as infatuation. At some
point of time though, I did feel that I had started loving Kashika. However
once I got busy with my college life, I no more remembered her or missed
her. Although it gave me immense pleasure when I saw her during the
holidays, or when we passed each other on the streets of our town, and
exchanged incomplete smiles. Though I had not forgotten her, I did not
miss her or longed to meet her.
I did like watching couples in parks talking to each other, with their
head resting on each others’ shoulders, or on the streets walking hand in
hand. Even in our classroom I felt happy when I saw my friends sitting
with their girlfriends, sharing their laughs and cries. Those moments
sometimes made me feel lonely. That made me feel “Yes, there should be
someone with whom you can share some special moments of your life, for
whom you care more than yourself, without whom you can’t live, for whom
you can die”. And those were the times when thoughts of Kashika slowly
crept into my mind, maybe she was buried somewhere deep in my heart.
That part of my heart that I feared visiting and when I did those beautiful
memories used to come like a cool spring morning breeze packed with
fragrances of blooming flowers. Instead of feeling relaxed, I felt terrible.
So I used to evaporate those thoughts by getting busy with my routine.
I had my own ambitions and did not want to give priority to anything
besides studies. I wanted to give colours to my dreams.
PANKAJ MITTAL 37
Four
It’s a time for summer vacation at home. “Have one more,” “itne mein kya
hoga?” mum said,
“I am not running away, c’mon mum, I will be here whole week” I
replied.
“Acha baba, baad mein kha lena” mum said.
Lying in bed, I thought how things had changed from my school time
to engineering.
Lost in my thoughts I did not realize when I felt asleep. How relaxing
it felt being home again.
“Ha Ha Ha Ha.” I feebly heard the sound of a baby. I tried ignoring it,
wanting to go back to the warmth of my dream. But the little monster did
not stop his laugher. I rubbed my eyes. I realized that it was my cell phone
beneath the pillow. It flashed, “Anjan calling…”.
Anjan was my childhood friend, who knew more about me than I

myself did. Nothing like ‘secret’ ever found a place between us… Our
AIEEE exams placed us in two different corners. I got an admission in
NMAIET in Bhubaneswar, whereas he got admission in a college in Bhilai.
So the only time we met was our common holidays between semesters, or
Durga puja.
“Haan Anjan, bol,” I said upon receiving his call half awake. “Get-up
and get ready. I will be at your place in 5 minutes” he
said.
“Not now, yaar, let’s go in the evening.” I replied.
“Check the time, ass***e. Five minutes mein ready ho ja.” With this
he hung up the phone.
I checked the time in my phone. It was already six in the evening. I re-
checked to make sure. I’d hardly closed my eyes when a six feet giant soul
stood before me, pulling my blanket, pinning me, pinching me. Finally
when I realized that he wouldn’t give up, I lazily rolled out from bed. He
kicked my ass before I could even get up, “Jaldi jaa na bey.”
Without wasting any minute, I rushed to get dressed before Anjan

kicks me out of my own house. Soon we were driving along the familiar
lanes. We had not covered much distance, when suddenly with a
screeching sound he stopped. It was near a golgappa vendor.
I knew that he was least interested in the golgappas. He was actually

checking out the chicks standing next to the vendor. We went closer, but
upon getting closer I chuckled. One of the girls was my school friend,
Niharika, and the other was Anjan’s neighbour. The remaining two were
too young for us. Anjan understood that it was a wasted effort.
It was a long time since Niharika and I had spoken to each other,
though she lived near my house. She hadn’t noticed us. We were about to
leave and surprisingly, she turned towards me and asked, “Hey Avigya,
When did you come?”
“This morning,” I said, still feeling a bit strange talking to her after a
long gap.
“You are studying in Bhubaneswar, right?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I replied.
“So how is life there?” she asked gulping a big golgappa from her
plate, “Ummm.. You wanna have some?” She asked pointing towards the
stall.
“No thanks. Well, life’s cool enough and I’m really enjoying my
engineering there.”
By the time our conversation got started, the girls were done with the
golgappas. She took out the money from her pocket but I stopped her, “It’s
ok. I’ll pay. Consider this as my treat,” and I offered the money to the
vendor.
“No way why will you pay for us,” she objected.
“Arrey, we are meeting after so long, I owe this to you,” I replied.
To be honest, I wasn’t intending to pay her bill. It was for the sake of
formality I was arguing. I knew she would not accept it.
PANKAJ MITTAL 39
“Don’t argue, and keep your money” I continued.

Anjan was passing a mischievous smile while the vendor’s eyeballs
were dancing along with the money held in my hands and dangling right
under his nose.
“Acha theek hai baba, but next time I owe you a treat,” she casually
said keeping her money back.
Her reply was unexpected. I wished I could have said, “No issues,
yaar. Go ahead and pay for yourself if you insist so much.”
Soon as she agreed, I could feel the money losing my grasp. The vendor
snatched it without even looking at me. My male ego finally made me
suffer a sheer waste of money.
We were just about to leave when Niharika called me from behind and
said “Hey, I have to discuss something with you. Can you come home
some time?”
I was amazed, completely clueless. I thought, “What does she want to
discuss now?”
“Why can’t we talk now?” I asked.
“I can’t. Not here atleast. Come over, will tell calmly,” she said.
“Okay, will try,” I replied.

“Take my number, and call me before coming by,” she said. She left
with others, but I still couldn’t figure out her sudden
need of discussion. “Girls…!! are they always like this?” I thought. Anjan
brought me out of my thoughts saying, “Saaley bahut
paisa ho gaya hai?” You were never so eager to pay my bills.” “Okay,
Let’s move,” I said cutting him off before he got over
my head.
“Mazaa aaya? Aur khila golgappa,” he cracked.
“Of course I enjoyed, thanks for stopping here. What about you?
Enjoyed watching those kids?” I said, indicating the other two young girls
who had already left.
He just laughed, still teasing me, “Chill, dude. Every dog has his day.
It was your day today.”
***
Next morning, I was standing outside Niharika’s house, with my fingers

ready to press the doorbell. I was curious to know the answers of all the
questions which were cooking in my mind. The
door was already open and I could see Niharika’s mother coming towards
the gate.
“Namastey Aunty” I greeted. She smiled at a formal greeting. I tried
to recall if I had ever greeted her so gently, but my
memory failed.
“Kaise ho beta?” she asked.
“Fine, Aunty” I replied.
“Why are you standing at the door? Come in, you want to meet
Niharika? She’s upstairs,” she said all this in a one go.
I went upstairs without even looking back. I saw Niharika sitting on
the floor, cutting vegetables. This made me chuckle. I wondered if she
really knew household chores or was just showing off.
“Good! Kaam kar! It will help you after your marriage,” I commented.
“Hey Avigya, sit,” she said, pointing towards couch.

For the next few minutes questions were exchanged on various topics
including my studies, engineering, travel and more. Meanwhile, her mother
joined us in the room as she sat on a chair at a distance, within audible
range. I felt uncomfortable being supervised by her. Come On..!! We were
discussing normal stuff. We had no plans of talking anything dirty. But
later I realized, parents are like that especially in case of a girl.
Niharika quickly finished chopping the vegetable and handed over the
plate to her mum.
As soon as Aunty stepped out of the room, Niharika asked me,
“Avigya, Do you know Kashika?”
“Kashika! Had I heard it right? Did Niharika just uttered Kashika’s
name?” It was after a long time, I had heard that name, and the very words
brought me to a stage of exhilaration. Her beautiful cute face appeared
before my eyes. I did not expect Kashika’s name from Niharika. Never had
I disclosed my ‘infatuation’ for her with anyone. The very name made me
nostalgic. Everything which was deep buried inside my heart was fresh
again. And today, all of a sudden, I heard the name from Niharika without
even a slightest hint how she knew her or why was she asking me about
her? That too, after such a long time.
PANKAJ MITTAL 41
Still I tried to clarify whether it was the same Kashika she was asking
about, “That Kashika who lives in the colony near the railway crossing?”
“Haan, wahi” she said firmly.

“Yeah, I know her, we were in the same computer classes.” And
before I could ask more about her from Niharika, her
mother reappeared. On seeing her mother, Niharika signaled me, passing
me a clue not to discuss anything about Kashika in front of her.
Now, we were waiting for her to leave the room. I was noticing every
move and every body language from her mother that was a hint she was
about to leave. Curiosity was something I had never been able to handle
well. Finally I saw her sink into the sofa right across me and start flipping
TV channels. Eventually it was clear that she was not in the mood to leave
us alone. It was becoming difficult for me to control my emotions. I was
restless, unable to sit still, my heart beat increasing. I wanted to speak but
couldn’t. I was almost suffocating inside and the reason for my condition
was sitting right across me watching ‘Saas-Bahu’ soap.
Although I did not utter a word, the expression in my eyes must have
made it clear to Niharika that I was dying for privacy to continue our
discussion about Kashika. She acted smartly. “Ohoo mom…. Do you have
to turn on the TV right when we were talking?” Her mom looked at her and
excitingly said, “Arrey, today Raj is going to tell his mother how much he
loves Nisha..!!” Hearing this she frowned at her mom and went directly to
her room. I followed her without glancing around. I noticed the lady
behind, she was completely submerged in the world of Raj and Nisha.
Then it occurred to me I had wrongfully doubted the lady. Aunty was just
trying to figure out a way to turn on the TV. Finally when it was time for
her show, she couldn’t resist.
“You know Avigya, Kashika is crazy for you” she muttered while
entering her room.
“Whaaaaaaaaaat?! She is craaaaaaaazy for me!” It was definitely a
surprise.
“Yes, that too for the last one year.”
“Are you sure it is Kashika from KBM school?”
“Arey, haan yaar! Wahi.”
I could not believe it. I was still unsure if she was speaking about the
same Kashika I loved. I was speechless upon confirmation. The next
moment I was laughing, thinking about the game destiny was playing and
how events were unfolding for me.
“Did I crack a joke?”

“I don’t know it’s ironic,”I answered forcing words through my laugh.
“I couldn’t get you, Avigya” she replied.

“Okay I will tell you something, during our C++ tuitions I had started
liking her a lot. I went crazy during those days for her. I even stole her
number from Sir’s cell phone. But she went to Gujarat and I got busy in my
engineering life.”
“Are you kidding?” she muttered.
“I’m damn serious…!!” The expression on my face was more than
enough.
“Wow! This is so exciting. She’ll go crazy hearing this news.” Her
eyes shone radiating the extreme excitement. The idea of love itself can
make a girl go crazy, it doesn’t matter whether it’s related to her or not.
“And someone is already feeling crazy right now! Thank you Niharika
for breaking in the news! God, I still don’t believe it is real.”
“There is more. She used to keep talking about you, Avigya. Every
holiday she asked us about you, whether you were in town or not, or have
we seen you or met you, etc. etc. She even asked me for your number every
time we met. I felt so helpless, since I never had your number.”
“So you could have asked me.” I questioned with a flat expression.
“I was hesitating. I had no idea how to bring this subject up.”

“Anyways, thanks a ton, at least you did it now.”
“You know, once she fought with Vaishali over you,” she said with
that typical girly gossipy expression.
“Because of me?!! But why?”
“During the last holidays she asked Vaishali if you were home.
Vaishali refused, for she might not have seen you. Later Kashika found
you roaming on the streets. Poor Vaishali had to face the consequences of
passing wrong information.”
PANKAJ MITTAL 43
Vaishali was one of my juniors. We used to be in the same school till I

passed out. She used to live diagonally opposite my house, which means
she was also my neighbor. Although I knew her, I never talked to her.
“Yaa, I saw her twice last year. I really wanted to talk to her, but
never had the courage. We just exchanged smiles, and went our ways.”
“Hmmm…. That’s sad. Many people search for love throughout the
world, not knowing their love is right besides them.” I could sense the
feeling of pity in her voice. “So, how can we pair up the two love birds?” I
was really happy to hear those words, and obviously I should be, for
Kashika, yes my Kashika, shared the same feelings for me.
“So are you interested in her, and want to talk to her” she cracked.
“Don’t kid anymore! I’ll talk to her right away. What’s her number?”
“Hey, hey, hold on! I don’t have her contact at this moment. Vaishali
will return tomorrow. I will tell her all about our chit-chat and get her
number for you,” she said, making fun of my excitement.
“Please yaar! Mazaak mat kar.”

“Arey I’m serious. I don’t have her contact; I came to know about all
this from Vaishali. She is a dear friend of Kashika these days.”
“Okay, I will wait.” My excitement deflated but I was overcome by

uneasiness once again. I wanted to talk to her at earliest possible.
“You give me your number. I’ll text it to you tomorrow,” She handed
her mobile over to me.
“Sure. Here it is and don’t forget to message me. I will be waiting for
it.”
I spoke while punching in my number. It was already late and I had to
return back home. Although I wanted to hear more and more about
Kashika, but the fact that even she liked me was enough to make my day.
I finally bid adieu to Niharika for the day.

Before leaving I looked at her and said, “Thanks again, yaar, I
seriously owe you a gift.” She reverted back with a smiling face, “So mean,
just a gift? I need a treat from you.”
“Sure yaar, anything for this! I can’t come across any words to
express my feelings.”
“Okay, now keep your feelings confined, go home and sleep
peacefully,” she said with a big smile. I returned her smile with mine and
began to leave.
I had hardly turned around when she again stopped me, “Avigya, I
forgot to tell you something,
Kashika has completed her 12th and now…” And she stopped midway
and gazed at me.
“And now… What? Come on yaar, are you going to say it? I’m really
going crazy today. Why didn’t you mentioned this earlier?” “And now she
has already planned to continue her further
studies in…” Again she stopped in the middle. I felt
like strangling her this time.
“Continue her studies in… aage bolegi?” Though I had already
guessed the next word, I still needed her to confirm.
And she loudly declared “BHUBANESWAR.”
Even though I had guessed it, but the confirmation that came made me
go all crazy. It seemed the happiness of the whole world was showered
upon me that day. I thanked the Almighty for all he did. Since he loved
playing pranks with me, I prayed to Him this wasn’t a joke. “What! I will
really go mad, Niharika I’m going home before anything happens to me!”
“Uff, okay bye, and walk slowly” she said.

“Bye. Take care and thanks again.” I reverted back and turned straight
towards my house, lost in my own world, unable to hold the happiness
bestowed upon me. Excitement had already overruled my senses, and it
appeared more of a dream than reality. We hardly met twice and we hardly
exchanged a couple of words, still she had started liking me. The most
amazing part of it was that she was in a love with me for the past one year,
and I never had the slightest idea. I was worried about what would happen
tomorrow. The news alone was making me mad as a March hare. Merely a
few hours were left and then I would be talking to the lady of my dreams
after getting her number.
I thought of ways to approach her on phone, things to talk about etc,

etc. Lots of new ideas emerged but nothing satisfactory. Every idea failed,
and I really could not collect the prefect words to talk to her.
PANKAJ MITTAL 45
A sort of unbounded happiness and a slight fear dwelled throughout

that night. My eyelids were committed to remain open all night long. “Just
a matter of a few hours,” I thought.
***
The day began as my life began deviating from the usual orbital path.
“Why have you got up so early, its just 7.00 clock?” mummy gave me
a surprised.
“I don’t feel sleepy,” I replied.
“Look who’s talking!” she reverted back.
“Mummy! I love you,” saying this, I got up from the bed and hugged
her.
“I love you too, Beta! Is anything special today?” “You
are there with me, is that not special?” “Stop flattering
your mom now. Go and get ready.”
“Okay Mumma,” and I headed straight to the bathroom.
I was really going mad for Kashika since her thoughts were not
leaving me alone for a single second. The moment I got up, from brushing
my teeth to having breakfast, and everything I did, she was there, smiling
right in front of my eyes and making me smile without reason. I even
planned on visiting the temple after a quick shower. I wanted to thank God
for all He did and to take His blessings. I was serious about my first
converstion to go well. So I thought it was best to begin the day with
something divine.
“Mummy I’m going to the temple.”

“Temple?” she asked, sounding amazed, as if it was a place not meant
for me. Her response was quite obvious. Lots of time in the past she had
requested me to accompany her to the temple, but I never turned up.
“Haan, temple.” I replied in a flat tone.

“Something is obviously wrong today!” she suspected. “Come on
mummy…!! I got up early today, that’s why,” I
replied.
“Ok, great..!! Come back soon, breakfast is almost ready.” “Okay,
mummy.”
Within a few minutes I was at the temple.
On my knees, I prayed in front of Lord Krishna’s idol thanking Him

for showering His blessings on me. He actually understood the meaning of
Love and how important it is.
After finishing my breakfast upon reaching home, I took out my
course books. Less than twenty days remained for my semester exams. But
I was hardly up with any preparations. Lost in her thoughts, it was hard to
concentrate on any other stuff. My mind was completely out of place that
day.
Every few minutes my hands automatically checked the cell phone,
hoping to find a message from Niharika. That day checking my mobile
became a part of my involuntary actions, but it never showed any calls or
messages.
Many times I thought of calling Niharika but backed off. Due to my
impatient nature, I could almost easily attract trouble. I wasn’t intending to
take a risk in Kashika’s case.
Time went on. It was five in the evening and I had not received any
call from her. I decided to wait for another hour.
Finally my baby laughed again. The same laugh which used to irritate
me became soothing to the ears, and my cell phone screen flashed
“Niharika calling…”
I accepted the call without a second’s delay, and before she could even
say hello, I rattled off, “I have been waiting for your call for so long, where
were you?”
“Wohhh, chill, yaar..!! Kashika had gone to the market. She returned
an hour ago,” she replied.
“Okay, okay. Then, tell me what happened. Did Vaishali speak to her?
What did she say? Is she going to talk to me?” I was getting really excited.
“I’ll tell you everything, be patient. When Vaishali spoke to Kashika,

she took everything casually, thinking Vaishali was joking. But later when
she realized that Vaishali was serious, she was stunned and started
behaving weirdly.”
“Then?” I asked curiously.
“Kashika could not believe it, and said she feared talking to you…”
With this Niharika paused. The sudden pause at such unpleasant ending
sentence made me go down the roller coaster. “OHHHH GODDD, NO,
NO, NO…I LOVE HER…PLEASE…!!!”
I prayed in my heart as the idea of rejection came to my mind.
PANKAJ MITTAL 47
Before I could presume any further, Niharika blew away the air of
suspense lingering around, “She wants you to call her.”
“What..?!!! Did I hear that correctly?” I couldn’t believe my own
ears. May be my mind was planning a conspiracy against my luck, so it
was corrupting the information I heard.
“What..? Say it again..!!” Finally I had to request to clear away any
doubts my mind was creating.
“Arrey, baba, She asked Vaishali to give her number to you. She
wants to talk to you.”
Damn right..!! I was on cloud 9, but the conversation wasn’t over,
“Okay, what else did she said?”
“I really don’t know. This is what I came to know from Vaishali. Why
don’t you talk to Kashika directly?”
“Yaa, I will. But what will I say to her?”
“What ever you wanted to say for the past one year, idiot!!” “Give
me her number.”
The biggest challenge before me was to dial her number, and talk to
her. I was just one step away from her. I dialed the number twice but
disconnected before the first ring, unable to decide what would I say to her.
Finally, I decided to call Anjan. He was the only one who could have
helped me out. I asked him to come over to my home ASAP.
He arrived, and I disclosed everything to him. After I finished talking,

he said, “You moron. You’re telling me now?!!”
“Arey yaar, It happened all of a sudden, I couldn’t even think of
anyone else. But you are the first to know about this.”
“Okay, but a treat is due after this. As of now, call her, I’ll guide you,”
Anjan said.
Anjan has been a kind of a friend, I blindly followed and so even this
time without thinking for even a second I immediately called her.
My heart started pumping faster and faster and sounded like horses
racing at the Derby. Three rings had gone by. Maybe she was in the same
condition like me, nervous yet curious. Finally the rings stopped, the phone
was picked up, and there was complete silence on the other end. I wasn’t
able to utter a word either, but finally I forced myself to say “Hello.”
A beautiful timid voice replied, “Hello.”

“Hi,” I said.
“Hi.”
“How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“What were you doing?” “Noth…ing.
Ju..st watchiiing T.V.”
“Why didn’t you called me before?” I asked in a persuasive tone.
“I… I thought… offf… calling.” Her voice was trembling, and I

realized that she was scared and nervous, or maybe I was too fast.
“Are you scared?” I tried to calm her down.

“Yaaa…somewhat..”
With a chuckle I said in a soft tone, “Same here, so don’t worry.” I
heard her giggle and believe me it was sweeeeet….!!!
Before we could talk further, someone interrupted from her side. A
female voice called her. I guessed it was her mother, soon after that voice,
Kashika disconnected the call.
I wished if her mother could have entered a bit later. Anyways, the
beginning was not bad and now I could talk to her anytime. My face
probably reflected the happiness I felt. Hearing her voice after such a long
time was truly beyond heavens.
My cell phone was still in my hand when I received a message from
her “I’m really sorry, Mummy aa gayi thi”.
“Why is she apologizing? It’s not her fault..!!”. I thought and texted
her back, “It’s okay! You don’t need to apologize.”
In the mean time, Anjan said “Looks like you don’t need me
anymore.”
“Huh..? Just wait I’ll…” Before I could even finish, my cell gave out
the message tone. Another message came from Kashika.
Anjan left as he knew I needed some space now.
“Lost my cell phone, so using Mumma’s cell. But I’ll get a new one
very soon. Hope you understand,” came her message.
“Why are you getting so sad! It’s okay. I really liked talking to you
after so long.”
“Same here.”
“Why were you so afraid?”
“I don’t know, maybe because it’s been a long time, that’s why.”
PANKAJ MITTAL 49
“Okay! Why didn’t you talk to me before if you wanted to,” I asked.
“May I ask you the same?”

I had no answer to her question, and what could have I said to her?
That yes, I liked her, but had forgotten about her because I was busy with
my engineering? I was trapped in my own question without any relevant
answer. So I tried to change the topic before she could ask something
further.
After a few messages, I found my balance running out. I never had the
habit of texting, so had never used an add-on message pack. Then I realized
how badly I needed one.
“Okay Kashika, I need to go out for a few minutes. We can continue
then. Will you wait?”
“Yaa sure … bye…”
I looked around for Anjan. He was gone.
Sometime, things encountered in life are more like a dream than
reality. And this was more than a dream come true for me.
I walked briskly to the recharge shop enquiring about different
message packs available. The shopkeeper explained about all the three
packs available. The first began with Rs. 11 which offered 110 free
messages, not a small number; the other was Rs. 35, with 3500 messages,
and finally a grand pack of Rs. 54 with unlimited messages for a month.
I started calculating 3500 message a month meant 150 message daily.

One would have to be really insane to send so many messages per day,
apart from being patient.
Finally, after a lot of calculation I finally got it recharged with 110
messages as I thought it was more than enough for me.
I called Mahek immediately to share my happiness. Mahek was
someone I could blindly trust. Though we studied in the same school since
childhood, the first time we talked was during class 6th because as kids, it
was really hard to get along with her. We fought most of the time. Slowly
the fights converted into a good sense of understanding, and we developed
a very strong bond. Our relation had come a long way from me pulling her
pony and she scratching my face anytime, anywhere.
I never felt the need of anyone else while she was around. I don’t
know how, but she really had got some magical powers. She could surely
make me smile in couple of minutes even in the
hardest situations. She was a true altruist and I could share everything in
the world with her.
When it came to sharing secrets, it was either Mahek or Anjan,
whoever was first contacted. Mahek was also studying in Bhubaneswar,
and I hardly missed Anjan’s company as Mahek was there. I really felt
lucky for being blessed with such wonderful friends. Mahek knew
everything about Kashika.
“Hey, Mahek.”
“Haan bol.”
“I have an exciting news for you.”
“Kyaa? Bata.”
“Guess?”
“Don’t mess with me, I’m at a parlour getting hot oil head massage. I
would hate to use my brain right now, so, shoot away.” Full of excitement,
I shared things happened with me in last
few days.
“Whattttttt!” She shouted as if I had declared the end of the world in
next few minutes.
“Swear on you..!!”
“Wow! How? When? Where?”
“Arrey, I’ll tell you everything. Get out of that damn parlour first.”
“Arey kya hua, bata na, bol na… aabbbhhiiii”

I knew I had to tell her everything or else God knows what she gonna
do with me. I told her everything right from going out with Anjan, meeting
Niharika, Niharika disclosing Kashika’s secret which she disclosed to
Vaishali, Vaishali providing Kashika’s number. I thought I was done. I had
covered every inch of detail.
Ooopps…!! I missed the part about talking to Kashika. So I continued

further till my balance ran out.
Hearing this, there was utter silence. Then she erupted. “Damn
balances..!!!”
“Anyways, so when are you taking me to meet her?” “Arrey
yaar, Let me meet her first.”
“Okay, but where will you meet her?”
It was a good question, something to think about. My town being a
small place, there can hardly any secrets maintained. People there were
more concerned about others. News and rumours
PANKAJ MITTAL 51
traveled faster than the speed of sound or light, as people were pretty good
listeners and reporters. A typical small town issue.
“Not yet thought about it.” “Be
careful.”
“Hmmmm, chal. Bye. I have to talk to her.”
“Bye.”
I realized I was already late when I saw Kashika’s message on the
phone “Where are you?” she had texted.
It’s amazing to know someone is waiting to talk to you. A series of
messages went on. I realized it was already 2 A.M. but I was already living
a dream, so who cared for the sleep? I was going through an astounding
feeling, felt close to her, felt a sense of belonging for her. Gradually her
hesitations vanished and became friendlier in her talks. Engrossed in her
messages I never realized when my free messages had exceeded and I had
started losing bucks again, one by one. Clever girl had that unlimited plan
activated. She was more prepared than I was. But nothing mattered that
night as I wanted to make that night memorable for us. I never felt that it
was the first time I was speaking to her. Suddenly, the cell phone screen
flashed “MESSAGE SENDING FAILED”. I never realized when the last
rupee of my balance got over, and I had no other option but to put my
phone aside and go to sleep. But her messages continued. What happened?
Why are you not replying? Is everything alright? Have you slept?
Helplessly I wondered how to inform her, while my heart sank

thinking about her. She might be assuming things. She must be feeling bad.
She must be thinking how rude I was, how bored I must have been that I
slept away. Our first conversation abruptly ending was not good. When her
messages continued to come, I risked bringing out Papa’s cell from his
bedroom, and messaged her, “Messaging from Papa’s phone. I’m really
sorry, but ran out of balance. Can we continue tomorrow?”
“Yaa sure, no problem,” she messaged.

“Okay, goodnight and sweet dreams, take care…” I had typed when I
got into a dilemma whether I should add few more word to it or not? It was
my first talk with her after all. Finally, I gathered my courage and added
the word ‘dear’ in the end.
And came her reply, “You too, dear.”
I almost jumped off the bed. For the first time a girl had called me
“DEAR”, and that too, my Kashika.
I really regretted for my miscalculation and not getting the Rs. 35
message pack. Anyhow, I already got to know so much about her in a
single night. It was three in the morning. A perfect day and a wonderful
night had passed. I planned to enter this date, 1th May, into my diary.
***
In a state of drowsiness and my eyes half closed, I found four unread

messages on my cell phone. “4 New Messages Kashu.” I read the following
messages with a blurry vision. “Good Morning.”
“Are u there?”
“Sleeping still?”
“Kitna sootey ho?”
It brought a smile on my face, my day was made. She had texted at 7
in the morning. It was 9 now. I wondered how she could get up so early,
especially when we slept at 3 a.m. I was still sleepy.
Had it been a different story, I would have loitered around. But it was
Kashika and we haven’t spoken for last six hours. I quickly slipped on the
lower of my track and sneaked out. I got my recharge done. This time I
made sure I had the unlimited message voucher in my arsenal. After getting
back home safely, the way I had went, I texted her, wishing her a
wonderful day. Her reply came almost immediately, “Finally someone’s
back to his senses.”
“Hmm, not yet, still feeling sleepy!! Aren’t you sleepy? So jao,” I
suggested her.
“Achaa! Don’t you guys have anything better? Just keep sleeping
throughout day and night. But I have to help mom in house hold chores”.
“Hmm. So what’s on the menu for breakfast?”

“Sandwiches.”
“Wow..!!! Shall I come over? I want to taste the sandwiches made by
you.”
“Sure. Jaldi aao.”
“One condition.”
“What?”
PANKAJ MITTAL 53
“I’m not going to touch them.”

“Why?”
“Because you have to make me eat them…. with your own hands.”
“Achaa….!!! And you want my mom to eat us alive.”

I never understood why these Mummy’s’ are the central characters of
every love story.
“Get ready, and text me after that,” she ordered.
“Your wish is my command, Sire,” I replied. Boom her reply hit the
screen of my cell once again, “Sire…???!!! Am I… Sire..???!!”
Well, I replied, “Sorry Mademoiselle, that was just…..,” and the
whole day went in messaging once again.
***
After a few days we were more than acquainted with each other. Things
were easier to discuss. But I was desperately looking for new topics. My
condition was like a lemon that was squeezed, crushed, grinded, soaked
and squeezed again and dried and soaked again. I had nothing else left to
share. In spite of being left without anything, our days and nights passed
messaging each other. It was becoming a routine; from the first good
morning until the final good night. We knew we loved each other, but how
to say it…?!!! That was the main issue and a serious one. Since it was my
first time, I was oblivious to rules, regulations and procedures that needed
to be followed. Due to this, I wanted her to express it first. I was getting
very impatient. Four days had passed, and it was too early to propose her.
Really puzzled, I dialed the helpline number for my love guru, Mahek.
She picked up the phone just after two rings and said “Haan, bol
Avigya.”
“I need advice,” I replied. “What
advice?” she asked. “Should I
propose her?” I asked.
“Avigya, I am going to batter that thick skull of yours with a wrench.
This is what you called me for?!!”
“Come on, yaar, I’m suffocating, give me a pointer.” “I
think it’s the 5th day you have talked to her,” “No, chatted,”
I corrected her.
“Dear Lord. What have I done to Thee, I found he..!! Fine, chatted
with her and you haven’t even seen her for months.”
“So what? I know a lot about her now.”
“Fix a place to meet her, get to know her well, and when you really
start trusting her, then propose her,” she suggested finally.
“She is toooo good, yaar. I trust her a lot. She loves me so much.”
“Okay then. If you have gained soooo much trust, in just four days,
then go ahead. But tell me, why are you in such a hurry?” she said, with
sarcasm in her voice.
“Kashika and I talk to each other knowing what we feel for each other.
I want to make things clear. I want to remove the fakeness in our
conversation. I want her know how much I love her. More than that, I’m
dying to hear from her, how much she loves me.”
Mahek went silent on the phone. She must’ve been thinking. Finally,
she replied.
“Okay then, good luck. But I will still suggest you to reconsider.
Better meet her once, and then take the decision.”
“It’s okay; I will meet her after proposing her,” I wasn’t joking. I was
serious and confident. It was reflected in my eyes and carried by my tone.
“Okay then, fine, move ahead,” She said before we disconnected.
I was excited to begin my love story. Although Mahek had stopped

me from proposing but at the same time she wished me good luck. I could
propose Kashika now. But the question was again – How?!! How should I
propose her? Tell her everything? Let my heart out for her?
Finally when all the nouns, adjectives, antonyms, synonyms, etc.

failed to satisfy the needs of the moment, I just messaged her words I
thought were the best: “I don’t know dear, what I’m doing is right or not
but I want to end this pretense. There’s a lot more I want to say to you, a
lot more to feel for you, a lot more to do for you. I really mean when I
simply say to you, I Love You”.
Five minutes passed since I last messaged her. My heart banged
against my chest as if my soul was banging against Heaven’s door saying,
“Let me in, let me in..!! I messed up…!!”
“She usually responds quickly”– I thought.
PANKAJ MITTAL 55
Why do I always become impatient and spoil things? What would

happen if she says “NO”? With each passing second my fear increased.
Many silly questions kicked my mind.
Finally her message arrived. It read. “I’m blank! I don’t know what
should I say.”
I could guess her state of mind, but still I needed an answer. “Just reply
with a Y or N. Don’t reply if you feel uncomfortable.” After sending her
the message, I had declared the Third World War against the tyrannical
rule of the Axis, The Reich of Loneliness and their ally “N”. My alliance
was already forged with “Y”. Winning of the allies meant an absolutely
new path, flourished with love, romance and care in my life. All my
dreams would come true and I would also find someone for whom I could
start living. On the other hand, if the Axis powers overpowered us, it would
mean the end of everything, before even taking the first step. Life would
become hell, being tortured with studies and seeing those couples in the
PoW Camp (my college), humiliated by project reports, unwilling time
sacrifices for those specifically stupid college events meant to impress the
higher ups and all the uninteresting tasks to accomplish imposed by the
Hitlers of various subjects. That
would be too much for a Prisoner of War to break down.

With every tick-tock of the clock, the lub-dub of my heart increased.
Fifteen minutes passed without any further activity on the cell phone.
Really I had committed a gloomy mistake; I should have waited at least for
some time before taking this step. She must have felt bad about it. That’s
why she wasn’t replying. I decided to apologize. “I’m really sorry if I hurt
you,” I messaged. Maybe it would work.
But the message was not getting delivered. I tried again, but it failed.
That God Damn message was not being delivered right when I needed it to
be delivered. Finally my eyes found something missing from the usual
screen. I realized the four poles in increasing order in the leftmost corner of
my cell phone were missing. Those of you, who are still trying to figure out
what I mean, it means… that… there was Nooo… God Damnnnn…
Network… Coverage!!! I mean, that was absurd. When we sent countless
messages, when I was running out of balances, when we pretty much
abused the messaging facilities of the service provider, there was network,
always following us. And now, right
when I needed one message to be delivered, there was no network. But

something came across my mind and finally gave some relief to my
troubled mind. Hope again took hold.
Maybe she replied and would reach me as soon when my phone gets
coverage. I switched off the cell phone and restarted it again and again, but
nothing happened. I tried to search for the network manually, but all my
attempts failed.
Finally after a long, I saw one small pole appear, then came the other
followed by the tallest and then came a message from her. I dared not to
open the message and read it, for it was going to navigate my life into a
new direction, happy or sad, I was unaware of that. I closed my eyes and
prayed to God from the bottom of my heart to please grant me a “Y”. A
strange wish indeed, maybe no one had ever asked God before for a “Y”. I
opened the message with my eyes closed. Slowly I opened my right eye
and looked for the life-transforming alphabet.
“Thanks a lot for understanding,” I immediately messaged her. I could

say no more and no less. My feelings so much overcame me that I choked.
My mind was so full; it forgot about the body coordination and made me
shook. So, those were the only words I could say or type. Yes, yes, yes. It
was a ‘yes’ from her. Not just “Y”, but a complete “Yes, I do.” They
sounded as if we were being married in a church and she had just said
“Yes, I do.”
“I’m honoured when you say that,” came her reply.
After some time when I had finally absorbed the reality of us being a
couple, I felt like an angel. Wings grew out of my back and a halo seemed
to appear over my head….. Peace and Eternal Bliss…!!! It was time to fly
into the Kingdom of Love with my and only mine, Kashu.
“I love you a lot dear, and I will always keep you happy.” “I
know and I love you too,” She replied.
“Okay Kashika, we will talk in the evening. Now I’m not in a
condition to talk.”
“Achaa! You are really crazy.”
“Just for you dear. Bye.”
“ Okay bye.”
Her habit of using the word “Achaa” was quite frequent. Initially it
was pleasing to me, but eventually I developed a love for the word. I loved
to hear “Achaa” again and again from her.
PANKAJ MITTAL 57
Sometimes I used to tease her by replying back the same “Achaa” to which
she got sulky and she’d say, “Are you making fun of me? I won’t ever use
it.”
And I would say, “Honey, that word sounds so mesmerizing when it
comes from you. I just try to bring that effect, but fail. I think I’ll leave it
for you.”
And she would reply with her long, “Achaaaaaaa,” making me smile.
The matter was discussed with Anjan and Mahek, and they sang in the
same chorus “TREAT, TREAT”. I wasn’t sure if they were happy about
my love, or the sweet aroma of free food they were preparing to devour.
Anyways, they were friends for whom I would do anything, and now I had
added two others who meant a lot to me - Niharika and Vaishali. They’ve
been of great help for me. Maybe our love for each other would have
remained unnoticed, an incomplete story, had they not stepped in on our
behalf.
5th May, 2010. I will always remember it as the day which brought an
era of new thoughts in my confined brain, which never supported any form
of love. Today my heart had successfully planted the seeds of love inside
me, defeating my brain. I hoped for the best, I hoped that the plant survived
long enough to bear fruits. And in the coming years I would surely be
celebrating my anniversary on this date. And eventually I would bring her
to my life in front of the whole world, legally.
The m-m (message-message) chat started again, but today we had

taken the first step across the boundary. Suddenly I messaged her, “I love
you dear.” Where, in the last few days, the word “DEAR” seemed so
loving, now even “I Love You” didn’t seem powerful enough to convey
my feelings. I had really lost the count of how many times we had said that
during the night.
“Sachi! Kab se?” she asked with such innocence.
“Ohhh..!!! I was just kidding” I replied. I believed that my reply was
witty enough for her.
“Maybe, but I’m serious when I say I love you” she replied. Good
with words, she had an amazing talent of trapping people
in their own words and leaving them speechless. That
was my Kashu….!!
I asked her trying to change the topic, “I want to hear your sweet
voice, my Princess. Why can’t we talk?”
“Actually Mummy is always around so we can’t talk” she replied.
“I’m really dying to hear your melodious voice, when can we talk?”
“Soon, my lover, I will give you a call once I get a chance. So cheer
up.”
“I always cheer up when I’m talking to you,” I texted.
“Achaa..!!” she replied.
Uff! Her achaas were surely gonna kill me one day.
We continued with our messages for a day or so. We had completely
disclosed our tenses, the past, the present and the future, when I realized
the only person left was Prasantika. That topic went completely untouched.
Though there was nothing important, yet I decided to disclose it to Kashu.
Well, Prasantika was my friend in 12th grade and we were in the same
math’s tuition. Her parents had rented a room near my home and I used to
accompany her from school and tuition. I accompanied her till her father
bought a new house far away and they shifted. Though they never stayed
for long, but it was long enough for the folks around to cook up a story and
serve it over the platter of chatter to others. That’s it to this story. Our
presumed love affair was nothing but a recipe of some babble-chefs.
To my surprise, she knew about it. Moreover, she wasn’t concerned.
“I have nothing to do with your past. I have your love now. That is all
I care about now.”
That night I slept like a baby and, maybe even, I don’t know, sucked
my thumb.
PANKAJ MITTAL 59
Five
“Human desires have no ends. A new one appears as soon as the previous
one is achieved.”
So was the case with me.
At first, merely a phone call with Kashika was everything that I
desired.
When the Almighty had fulfilled my wish, my heart desired to propose
her and when that was fulfilled; I wanted to be with her most of the time.
The budding desire of meeting her was next. So I texted her,

“Kashika, can we meet once?”
“Is it necessary to meet here?” Her fear was obvious. There was hardly
any place in our town where we could have met without being noticed. The
‘Sons of Sherlock’ were everywhere, inspecting every inch of the town
with their scanning eyes. If unluckily we were found with one another, hell
would break loose. Reports would fly like pamphlets to our doorsteps
creating a nuclear explosion far greater than Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The
world would never care about the feelings. Love has seen and will continue
seeing resistance for ages.
I longed for her. I mean loving each other and never meeting was so
absurd.
“Just once dear, we won’t talk. I need a glimpse of you.” “What
for?”
“Don’t you wish to see me honey?”
“Yyyeeessss…!!”
“Then for our sake, Kashu, let’s meet.” “Achaa!

And what about the people there…” “Avigya,”
shouted my mother.
“I’m coming in five minutes.” Busy planning how to meet Kashika, I
ignored my mother’s call, which was a grave mistake.
We were about to meet and I was running out of patience. I was dying
to see her in no more than a zillionth of a second. My eyes shone at the
thought of meeting her. Gripped with a sort of irrational fear, I was unable
to decide on the perfect place for our first date. I could see the giants
“HOW” and “WHERE” standing right between me and my Kashika staring
right through our souls.
Unknown to me, trouble was brewing in another corner of my house.
My mother had called me ten times within ten minutes and her words
hardly left any impression on my ears. I was lost in my own world with
Kashika. By the time I realized, the dragon had already opened his mouth
and was about to exhale fire.
“I am going to bang that mobile right over your head,” Mom said
grinding her teeth.
She stood in front of me, belan still in hand. I was wondering if she
had brought it to hit me with it.. From her appearance it was clear she was
very tired from her household chores. “Why can’t you listen to me?”
“I was just coming,” I snapped back at her which was a grave mistake.
“I called you five times, and here you are busy with these stupid
messaging.”
Realizing my mistake I tried to cool her down. Instead I spoke the
wrong thing.
“No Mummy, I was just playing a game on my cell
“So now you have started lying? Don’t you try to fool me? I know
very well what you were doing with that mobile.”
I had never seen this version of my mom. Although she had scolded
me before, she had never been so furious. For a moment I was like, “Damn,
is this the same woman father married and who raised me up for the past
17 years…?!!” But I realized my fault. I should have postponed my talk
with Kashika, and paid attention to my mother. The topic of discussion
flipped like one of those ‘Havel’ switches from not listening to Mummy, to
my day long messaging (A serious matter, I guess).
PANKAJ MITTAL 61
“The whole day you are busy with your mobile, strangling the Devil’s
son with your thumb.”
“When have you seen me messaging throughout the day?” Indeed a
white lie. I knew I was the culprit.
“Whom do you keep messaging?”
I had no answers for her questions. I could not have uttered Kashika’s
name, or else my mother would not have spared me for my biggest sin, the
sin of falling in love. She had warned me and advised me not to fall in
love, and to stay away from these relationships. She would never accept the
fact that I was committed.
“To my friends,” I replied, irritated.
“I have noticed you remain in your own world these days, and
throughout the day you are busy with your messages. You don’t eat
properly, and I really doubt if you sleep during the nights.”
It was clear that her anger was due to suspecting me of violating her
protocol and not for the listening part. On getting the chance she blurted
out everything.
I was aware from the day, I had started talking to Kashika, I was in a
different world altogether, present physically, yet absent mentally. Her
outburst was justified. Although the words hurt, she was not wrong. I had
engulfed myself completely in my own planet, with no communicating
medium with the outer world. Obviously that wasn’t good.
Although I had no right to say anything at this moment, nothing was

intentional. It was all Kashika’s fault, for, even today, I have no idea what
magic she had infused upon me. The world hardly mattered whenever I
talked to her. Maybe this is what happens in love...
“Mom, I swear, I message to my friends.” I tried to protest and bring

the matter to an end. I had already decided not to repeat this in future.
“I am not a fool, okay? I don’t care who are you talking to, but stop
this nonsense now,” she warned me, without the slightest fall in her
temper.
“Okay Mummy, but …” Before I could complete my words, she left
the room without giving me any chance to apologize. I had noticed her
eyes when she left. They were wet.
I would have overcome the most difficult obstacle in the world, bear
the punishment on behalf of the whole humanity for their
evils, or even challenge the high and mighty Gods themselves; had I been
put to test. What I was unable to tolerate were tears in my mother’s eyes. I
really felt guilty for causing her such pain. She used to cry whenever she
missed me while I was away for college. And now, when I was near her, I
was the cause of trouble in her eyes.
I could not blame Kashika, for she never forced me to talk to her at
the cost of neglecting my jobs. I was responsible for all this. Immediately I
got up from my bed and went to Mummy’s room.
She was sobbing with her face buried in the pillow. She wiped her
tears with her sari, but did not even look at me. I went around the bed and
lifted her face. Her eyes were still wet.
“Kya hua, Mummy?”
“Nothing. You go out from here,” she replied and turned her face the
other way.
“I’m sorry Mummy. I won’t repeat it again,” I apologized. I didn’t
know when my eyes turned wet at her pain. My friends always said that I
couldn’t control my emotions. When I am emotional my eyes got drenched
very quickly. Maybe this quality was inherited by me from my mother.
Mummy’s tears burst out. I wiped them, and tried my level best to
console her.
“Seriously Mummy, if you really hate it to that extent then I won’t
message again.”
“It’s not only about your messaging. Seema has not been coming for
last two days.”
Seema was our maid who did our household chores, but because she
had not been coming for the last few days, the entire burden had fallen on
Mummy. Mummy was very tired, and maybe her reaction was a natural
outburst for this reason. “I will help you out with your work.”
“Leave it, okay! I will manage. You only come for such a small
duration, and that too, instead of talking to me, you are busy with your cell
phone. I don’t care who you talk to, who you message to. But I don’t want
your father or any one blaming me.”
It was clear now. It was her fear, fear of the society, fear of ‘what
would people say’, fear of not being able to look people in the eyes, fear of
being classified as outcast by our very own people for whom the idea of
‘Love’ is a taboo. And she was afraid she
PANKAJ MITTAL 63
would be blamed for my mistakes, for my corrupt or wrong upbringing. It

is evident in small towns like ours where the society would blame the
parents and in turn the father would shift the blame to the mother. Finally,
it’s the lady of the house who bears the entire burden.
“It’s not so, Mumma. I will spend more time with you. I’m really
sorry.” It was definitely not the time to argue.
“Stop your drama, and come for lunch.”
Slowly I could see her tears disappearing. Finally her mind settled
down and she kissed me on the forehead. I felt a bit relieved as she walked
out of the room. No other form of love can ever be compared with the
tender love of a mother for her children, it has always been unconditional.
Meanwhile, my mobile had already vibrated more than five times. No

doubt it was Kashika, but I did not dare to check my phone in front of
Mummy. When everything was back to ususal, I scanned through the
messages, the plan to meet her was at standstill.
Though her last message was interesting, and drew my attention. It

read, “I think you are busy, I have to go to the bank with Vaishali for
collecting my demand draft. I will leave at 2.00 o’clock, reply whenever
you are free. Love You. Bye.”
I checked the clock. It was already 1.00, but I still had ample time left.
She had unknowingly solved my dilemma, I immediately replied, “Thanks
a lot Dear, Love you a lot.”
She could not understand why I thanked her and her surprised message
came, “Thanks? What for? What happened?”
“Thanks for deciding the location. It’s now decided that we are going
to meet at the bank within an hour,” I messaged abruptly.
“You are crazy. How do such ideas even come to your mind? You are
not coming there, we’ll be in trouble.”
“It’s fine; we will just talk normal stuff. Since even Vaishali will be
there, no one would doubt us.”
There were no messages for the next couple of minutes. She was
probably thinking about my statement. Anyways I was logically correct
this time. No one would ever doubt anything if we meet in public, and
especially if Vaishali was with her.
“Okay! But if anything happens, I’ll crack your skull then and there,”
she warned, but also accepting my suggestion.
“That would be an honour, M’am,” I replied, my face lighting

up.
“Achaa! Stop your flattery and don’t be late, I’ll message you as soon
as I leave the house. Love you. Bye.”
“Yaa, I’ll be there before time. Love you too.”
Life automatically changes when one gets committed. Gradually,
everything that Raj and Sahil said had come true. They had won, and I lost.
They were correct that love typically makes people crazy. I was now one of
the victims of love and I was acting crazy. Things which Kashika liked
became paramount in my life than my own choices. I changed from my
favorite white shirt to a black one. I remembered that Kashika’s favourite
color was black. The black shirt was an odd combination with my black
jeans, but still it was her favorite, and maybe my “Man In Black” look
would please her.
I took proper care of my hairstyle. I sprayed large quantity of my

favourite perfume “Passport” till I was almost drenched with the liquid.
After I gave a final touch to the hair, and cross checked from all possible
angles for any flaws in my dressing; I escaped out of the room.
Before I could step out of the gate, my mother called out, “Where are
you going now?”
Holy Shit! In my excitement I’d forgotten about the lunch. “I’m going
to the bank for some urgent work; I’ll be back in
five or ten minutes.”
“At least have your lunch and go, it may take longer.”
“I’ll be back in ten minutes, you keep the food ready,” I said. She
gave me a weird look and I knew why. She had noticed something
suspicious, I could tell from her facial expressions. Before she could dish
up her series of questions, I fled from the scene.
Happiness, enthusiasm, panic, anxiousness; words were short and
emotions were too many. Happiness that I was on my way to meet my
love, enthusiasm as it was my first date with her, along with some sort of
panic and anxiousness, even though I was spruced up, with lots of perfume
and hair brushing, to create an everlasting impression on her. Although the
location was weird for the first meeting, but nothing really mattered as she
would be there.
***
PANKAJ MITTAL 65
I reached the bank. I could smell the money there. A lot of money was
being transacted every second. Some were depositing, some were
withdrawing and most of them were trying to hide it from the others. Who
knew the real intentions of people? But I wasn’t even concerned to the
extent of a single paisa. Neither the clinking of the coins, nor the
murmuring and blabbering of the crowd spread all around was bothering
me. I scanned the entire area for any known faces that could create a
problem in my intentions. Thanks to the almighty, there was none whom I
knew; I believed God was with me.
Then I anchored my eyes to search for my beautiful princess. No

scientific theories, no philosophy, could explain the movement of heart
which starts pulsating at a great speed at the very first meeting with your
lover.
I found my little princess. Standing amidst the crowds, still the same,
still as adorable as ever, unchanged from when I had seen her during the
tuitions. There was a little cute smile on her face as usual. The very same
smile that had made me gone crazy for her. And it still mesmerized me.
The more I talked with her, the more I started loving her. The only change I
found in her was that she had started wearing glasses. She looked really
smart with those on.
Everything was same as before. The only difference was we had

turned from strangers to friends, from friends to something much more, and
finally she was everything to me. These are the various stages of
relationship one has to go through, before one is ready enough to realize
the beauty of love and its true essence.
I took my place on a sofa far from her, but keeping her in my line of
vision. I texted her, “Someone is looking beautiful in her multicolor top
and blue jeans.”
I saw her scanning all possible directions of the bank. Then she said
something to Vaishali. Though she was too far for me to hear, but her
gestures, and the movements of her hands suggested that she had also
asked Vaishali to look for me. Now two heads were scanning the area.
Finally when they had failed, her message came, “Where are you, Stalker?”
“Somewhere near you,” I replied.

“Dikh toh nai rahe ho (Can’t see you around).”
“Dil mein dekho, jaroor dikh jaunga (Look into your heart, and you’ll
find me).”
“Achaa.”
She again turned around but couldn’t find me. She was irritated, but I
was enjoying the reaction, sitting peacefully on the soft cushioned sofa.
I bugged her further, “I think someone is getting furious.” “Yes, and

soon someone will see the effects,” she warned me,
but instead I felt like laughing.
“OMG!!! Is that someone towards your right?” I texted, giving her a
hint.
She got the hint and turned. “Is he behind the mirror of the Deposit
Counter?”
And before she could pinpoint my location, I combed my hair with my
fingers, and straightened up my slouching backbone.
Her beautiful eyes finally met mine. My line of vision collided with
hers, and retinas got lost in each other.
Our eyes were stuck, like hardly anything else existed for me that
moment.
An annoying sound suddenly baffled me and broke our concentration.
“Tringgggggg, Tringgggggggg” the siren buzzed.
“Does she have sensors on her eyes?” I thought for a moment, “Did
my extra gaze activate the alarm?” –I thought, though it was dumb.
I looked around to see if any security guards were arriving, like I had
seen in movies, squads of heavily armed security guards rushing in
immediately as the alarm goes off.
Many looked around confused at the sudden buzz, some appeared cool
enough least bothered by it, but still my eyes searched for the security
guards. Finally they arrived, four of them, not even carrying a modern Ak-
47 kind of rifle. Instead they had one of those ancient rifles, which the
Britishers used when they came to India. I feel so proud of my nation when
it comes to preserving the ancient artifacts.
But I was confused, even perturbed. They passed by me, marching

towards the door, locking it. The employees were more than happy to leave
their seats, and moved away from their respective work area.
I enquired from the person next to me, “What is going on?”

PANKAJ MITTAL 67
“What’s happening here?” came Kashika’s query via sms at the very
moment. I was still waiting to be answered. “Nothing, it’s the lunch time,”
he seemed surprised at this query. Either he was wondering where I was
from or he was wondering if he was correct about the lunch break. I believe
it was the former.
“And here I was directing an action sequence in my head,” I
murmured. I focused back on my Kashika, who was still confused. “It’s
just lunch time, dear.” I texted to chill her down.
“Will you come here, or shall I come there?” she messaged. Without
replying, I headed straight towards her. I had been dying to meet her all
these days and today she was right in front of
me.
She was blushing, the pinkish tinge on her cheeks clearly visible. She
portrayed an image of a traditional Indian girl, who would run away when
shy. Though I had met Kashika before in tuitions, but today things were
different. I gazed at my lover but my heart was still craved for more. The
silence was broken when Vaishali said, “So Bhaiya, treat kab mil rahi
hai?” She felt very proud for being the important character in my love
story. It was because of her that all this began.
“Anywhere, anytime you want and a big thank you for making this
happen,” I replied.
I looked towards Kashika and asked her, “Why do you look scared of
talking to me? Do I look so dangerous?”
Scanning me from head to toe, she finally passed the comment or
compliment (though I doubt it), “Yaa, you look Okay-Okay types.”
“Okay-Okay.” I knew she was deliberately making fun of me but even

then the words “Okay-Okay types” irritated me. All my preparations and
the time wasted to get ready were goofed up. After all these efforts, what I
got was an “Okay-Okay types.” This was not expected.
I immediately passed a comment to Vaishali, “You look great in this

dress,” to which she thanked me. It was enough to shoot up the temperature
in the surrounding area. Girls!!! They can never tolerate someone else
being admired in front of them. Kashika immediately pulled her aside and
fired, “And what about me, Avigya?”
I was waiting for this question. I scanned her like she did before, and gave
the same reply, “Hmm. Looking Okay-Okay types.” Her lips immediately
curved up, and the surrounding air cooled down. She got the point and gave
her patent reply, “Achaaaaaaa.” I had read this “achaa” endlessly in her
messages, but the way she said this “achaaaaaaa” literally blew off my
senses. There was
something special in her way of saying this “achaa”.
I noticed college admission form in her hand. I took it from her and
found it was the one I arranged for her (Raj had posted it to me, and I sent
it through Niharika). “Prepare well for the entrance exams, this is the only
good college in Bhubaneswar, and your last chance to be in
Bhubaneswar…. with me,” I warned her.
She had the inherent ability to pull my leg solely by her words. She
replied coolly, “If I don’t get there, I will move to Kolkata for C.A.,” and
again gave her devilish smile.
Many times we had fought over this Kolkata thing. I needed her with
me and she knew it. Time and again she would bring up this Kolkata topic
and put my patience to test. She really derived a great pleasure upon
irritating me.
But soon came her soothing reply, acting as a healing balm to my
tensed mind. “I was just kidding dear; I, too, want to be with you.”
And this was enough to end my irritation. I had never experienced this
emotion before, but the words ‘want to be with you’ were pleasing to the
ear, as if some sweet little fairy inside was caressing my ear drums with her
magical hands.
I tried to turn the table and act as if it hardly mattered to me if is she
was faraway in Kolkata. “I knew you were kidding, but if you really want
to move to Kolkata, its fine with me.”
But how could she ever tolerate defeat? Like an expert she left me
fuming again. She said, “Achaa, rehene do. But truly, Papa was asking me
to go to Kolkata.”
Till date I am unable to figure out when she is serious, and when she
is not.
“Then I’ll steal my precious diamond from Kolkata, and bring her to
Bhubaneswar.”
“Achaa?” Of course she was flattered.
I returned the form to her with a smile.
PANKAJ MITTAL 69
“Kashika!” Vaishali said, “I’ll be back in a minute, feeling thirsty.”
“Okay. But be back soon,” Kashika said, and murmured something

in Vaishali’s ear. I still wonder about this habit of whispering in ears,
what’s so secretive about it? Huh, like boys don’t know. Vaishali left, and
now I was left alone with my Kashu.
“When are you leaving for Bhubaneswar?” I could sense sadness in
her tone.
“Day after tomorrow, having semesters from Monday,” I replied.
“I think you have not even touched your books because of me,” she
said feeling guilty.
“I am done with my studies. Will you miss me?” I asked. “No way,”
and with this she came out of her gloomy mood.
She was always pleased and ready to tease me.
“Achaa!! You naughty, little devil!!” I said, and pinched her cheeks
with both my hands. Her cheeks were very soft, and turned red.
“Are you crazy?! What if someone had seen us?” She chided me, and
moved a few inches away.
I had forgotten while talking to her we were in public, and that
hundreds of eyes might be watching over us.
Her work was already finished when I had arrived. Vaishali also
joined us back, and it was time to leave. Although I hated removing my
eyes from her face, but it had to end.
“Okay Kashika, bye.” I finally bid her farewell still feeling somewhat
unsatisfied with the duration of our first date.
“Bye,” and I could clearly see the same feelings in her eyes. Her eyes
clearly conveyed the fact that she did not want to go away, either. But we
had to.
Just before leaving her I whispered in her ear, “I’ll be waiting for you
dear,” and moved towards the exit without expecting a reply.
No sooner had I crossed the exit, came her message, “Will soon be
there with you, dear. Love you.”
“Love you too, dear.” I texted back, and a chain reaction started
leading to a non-stop flow of messages.
Six
“Holy Crap, what the hell is this equation and what is this? A graph?”
I threw the book aside, baffled by the x’s and the y’s and the curly
lines of the graph, which I believed were themselves bored from being
faced with so many drastic turns for such a short distance. Graphs went
over my head, and strange equations bounced straight through it.
Extremely frustrated with this Analog Communication Technique (ACT), I
lay back on my lumpy hostel bed, picked up the cell and messaged my
sweetheart. “Hi! What’s up?”
“I won’t talk to you,” came her abrupt reply.
Really confused over the reason, and to confirm I replied, “May I
know the reason why I’m being deprived of my life, my cutie pie?”
“Achaa! Cutie Pie…?!! What about your exams? We will talk when
they are over. Now start smelling your books.”
“I am frustrated with my studies… missing you a lot, dear.” Really, I
was missing her in Bhubaneswar and I yearned to be with her.
“Missing you, too. Had you studied before, things would have been
easier.”
“Actually the subject is just bullshit, really tough to drill through my
head.”-I said in a rebellious tone
“You have no other option. Just study hard,” she said. “Haan just have
to clear this paper. Can I call you just for 5
min? Pleassssseeeee???” I messaged, while my eyes struggled hard to read
a “YES”.
PANKAJ MITTAL 71
“No, Mummy is here, Love you, study now. I’ll message you
tomorrow after your exams.”
I went cynical at times with her no’s. She always gave the same
excuse, that her mother was around. My heart and mind once again went
for their usual squabble:
Mind: She doesn’t want to talk to you.
Heart: What makes you think that?
Mind: Why can’t she even get those five minutes to talk? Heart:
Maybe her mum was there with her.
Mind: Haha..!! Oh yeah..!! Really..? Is she with her 24x7? I think
that’s an excuse.
Heart: Why will she give an excuse? Mind: It’s
just an attraction, nothing else.
Heart: You’re an ass. You know no love. You always look for logics.
Mind: You are ignoring the fact and the fact is, she doesn’t love you,
it’s just infatuation.
Heart: Get lost with you and your nonsensical facts.
But the mind won the conflict this time, for surely sparing five
minutes after one and a half months is not a big deal, if someone really
wishes to.
Love has always and will ever be adamant and dominant over our
minds; thus our decisions will be always overshadowed by the Kingdom of
Heart. Moreover, “Humans are selfish souls, their own happiness is
paramount.” So we are biased towards our hearts. We want the heart to win
because that is the way we want things to be. Finally putting an end to the
chain of thoughts and taking side of my heart I poked Raj, sitting on the
opposite bed for the last one hour and staring at the syllabus.
“Just say, Raj! Who cares for the signals being discrete or analog,
when I want to be a software engineer?”
“I know man. I, too, hate the subject from the core of my heart,” Raj
chuckled.
“I hoped not to see the circuits and signals even in my dreams and
chose Software branch; but the management is full of dopers. They haven’t
even thought about changing the syllabus. I believe they’ve been teaching
the same stuff for generations.”
“Why were you disturbing the Professor when he asked you to pay
attention? Time has come to repent, Avigya.” replied Raj.
I rubbed my eyes a couple of times to verify if this was really Raj.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! Wait a minute..!! I believe you were thrown out of the
class more than me, for the same reason.”
“Whatever, Avigya. Atleast I am not cribbing like you are and would
clear the exam easily,” Raj said, and gave his demonic laugh.
“And in which part of the universe can you do that?” I was amazed,
looking at his confidence.
He immediately turned a few pages of the book he was ‘studying’, and
brought out tiny bits of paper.
“Naaahhhh..!! You’re kidding, right?” I asked, looking at all those bits
of paper. They contained the equations and the little graphs which I had
struggled to memorize throughout night, and they were on the verge of
saying ‘Adieu’ to my memory.
“This, my friend, is our salvation from the circle of memorizing and
forgetting,” he gave his ‘divine’ smile after his golden words.
“What if we get caught?” I asked, taking a few chits to have a look at
them. They really contained everything, starting from the initial chapters,
all the way to the end, a great job indeed. “Then we repeat the exam next
year, simple,” he said, daring as he was.
“But Raj,” I said innocently, “seeing the number of chits I think you’ll
keep on searching for the answers rather than answering them.” Now that
was a serious problem. I knew he couldn’t even number the chits according
to the chapter numbers. He didn’t had the slightest idea of which chapter
contains which topic.
“Damnn it..!! How come I missed that?” Raj was totally taken aback
seeing the loop hole in his planning.
Even Sahil, who was seriously studying, burst out laughing. “You
bloody fucker! I’m going to make your ass red.,” and Raj
ran towards me with a steel scale.
I ran laughing towards the door of our hostel room and locked it from
outside. I had jabbed the sleeping tiger with a pin, and locked him up in the
cage. He kept on howling something from inside, which I couldn’t exactly
figure out. Ignoring him I headed towards the washroom. I had almost
forgotten to take a leak and now was the time, since the pressure, which is
equal to force upon area and denoted by the formula P=F/A, was applying
a tremendous F and was ready to blast away the A.
PANKAJ MITTAL 73
I heaved a sigh of relief after reducing the pressure in the washroom.

Upon returning back to the room I did not find any sound when I stuck my
ears to the door. “Raj must have cooled down by now,” I thought. I crept in
after slowly opening the door. Strangely, Raj was sitting silently, working
upon his chits. There was a strange silence in the room, which made me
uncomfortable.
I sprawled flat on my bed, still puzzled over the unusual silence. He
was definitely upto something, but I dared not to fiddle further. I opened up
my book back to where I had left, but something seemed fishy about the
‘Forces of Evil’ around and it broke my concentration. I looked at Raj, but
he did not return the look, nor did Sahil. The smile on their faces was not
genuine enough and I knew something was cooked up against me.
At last Raj spoke, and the words were powerful enough to wake up a
dead me. “Kisi Kashika kaa message aaya tha, tujhe I Love You keh rahi
thi,” and he gave that devilish smirk.
Within seconds I had ravaged the whole place down, in search of my
cell phone. After displacing almost every dead object from the bed, when I
still found it missing, the whole picture was clear. He was in possession of
a device that was my life line. I really regretted leaving my cell phone
there. From the time I had started messaging Kashika, I had never left the
phone unattended.
Raj slowly took the cell out from his pocket, like bar girl in strip joint
removing off her clothes, and gave me a wicked grin, “Are you searching
for this? Huh, honey?!! “
I could feel the cold sweat breaking over my temple. I was sure he
must have read every single message from her by then.
“Raj, please return it to me! I’m serious,” and I jumped towards him
to snatch it away, but failed.
“Who is this Kashika, and for how long?” he inquired, as I struggled
reaching out for the phone which he had stretched out of my reach.
“I was about to tell you everything damn it. She is my girlfriend and
we’ve been talking since the semester break.” I had to reveal the truth, or it
would have been a final good bye between me and my cell.
“You bloody swine!! You never disclosed this upon your return!!!” he
shouted, still teasing me with the cell phone in his hand.
I had planned to inform them once Kashika was in Bhubaneswar, but

the explorers had already made a discovery and it was broadcast time.
“I was about to tell you, believe me or not,” and when I was saying
this, I found some sort of wireless signal transferring from Raj to Sahil.
Sahil decoded the signal and moved towards me. Before I could
realize their evil strategy, he grasped me in his arms from behind,
restricting my hand movements. I knew what was coming up next and it
was going to be really painful.
“Oyyee, Sahil, please yaar! Not now!!” But they were determined to
do this.
They took turns, turning my soft fleshy butt into a state of pain and
grievance. Why was my butt being punished for hiding a fact I was willing
to disclose later? After practicing few more shots they set me free. For the
filthy minds reading this, they were kicking my butt like Ronaldo and
Ronaldinho going for the penalty shootout. When they were done with
their 5 penalty kicks, they went into a sudden death round of one kick each.
Since there was no counting the number of goals, the only reason for them
to stop was their own God damn will. Have you ever felt like chunks of
rocks filled up inside your butt? And they hurt when you sit, even over a
soft cushioned bed? I even felt for a moment as if my butt crack was
longer.
“Never repeat this again you scoundrel, put some Fandu balm on your
butt,” Raj guffawed after they were done playing with the split football and
seeing me in a helpless condition.
My face was red, not because of anger but of pain. I had kicked many
asses myself so there was no point in getting angry.
Soon the books vanished from the bed. I sat in the middle, still
palpating my ass. They sat like my disciples one to the right other to the
left, actively listening to my love tale. In four hours we had our ACT
semester exam, but Raj and Sahil were not ready to postpone the remaining
story for the next day. It was so common for college students to give
preference to love stories and sex scandals and heart throbbing videos.
Anyway, I was hardly interested to go through with the crappy ACT exam.
PANKAJ MITTAL 75
Time passed and eyes went drowsy with every passing tick of the
clock. Soon we were absorbing the sweet aroma from fascinating flowers
of love from our own dreams.
***
The pain was intolerable. I was almost struggling for breath after certain
intervals. It was the most painful experience of my life. Had it been just a
little late, I would have been in company of the most feared dude, Yamaraj
(God of Death), waiting for him to decide Heaven or Hell for me. Every
bump from the ambulance sent an excruciating and unbearable pain
through my body.
Through flashes of memory I remember holding Sahil’s hand. I was
half conscious. The pain had almost knocked me out. That part of incident
in my memory is still foggy. It was rather confusing and hard to figure out
what had happened.
I came to know later from Raj and Sahil that after we dozed off, I
started screaming out in agony.
Initially they thought I was dreaming but when they realized it was
something else and something worse, Sahil and Raj immediately informed
the hostel authorities. I was immediately taken to the nearest hospital.
Something was poked into my already ‘stoned’ butt and soon it was all
dark.
***
“Hey Dew..!!!” I referred to Kashu as ‘Dew’. She looked so refreshing just

like early winter morning dew hanging on to the tip of pine leaf, sparkling
with the first ray of light. Her face radiating the same divine glow as it did
when we were teens. We were sitting over the wooden entrance of our
small cottage, relishing the early dawn in the hills. Her head was resting
over my shoulder and arms wrapped around mine.
“Hey Dew..!!!” She raised her head, looked me in the eyes and gave
that innocent smile.
“I have your favourite song collection with me,” I said softly in her
ears. Her smile widened, revealing her pearls. I pulled out my headphones
and plugged it into my Apple iPod. She took one earphone and gave me the
other. Soon our beautiful morning was
filled with the most melodious songs of all times, worthy enough to be
called ‘classics’.
We heard someone approaching from behind. As we turned our heads,
we saw little Kashvi came out of her room, rubbing the sleep off her eyes. I
had decided that name for her, Kashvi which means ‘shining’. It came from
her mother, Kashika meaning ‘the shiny one’.
“Papa, I’m not going to school today.” She was still under the spell of
her last night dreams and dropped into my lap resting her head over my
chest, closing her eyes. She had the eyes and smile of her mother.
As the lyrics flowed along with beautiful pieces of flutes and violins
and piano keys, we were enchanted by the very moment and were lost in
our own little family. Kashika’s head once again dropped over my
shoulder. Time seemed stagnant and felt like for eternities we were going
to stay like this. My mind has never been so peaceful. My eyes were heavy
so I closed them for a moment; I knew I had to take Kashvi to school
though she would resist, but it was for her own benefit.
I don’t know how long I was out but when I woke up I noticed a
person right next to me. He had those weird looking ‘headphones’ on. It
seemed he was stealing my privacy and must’ve overheard my
conversation and the songs I got for my Kashu. I flung his hand away out
of anger. That son of a b***h was intruding in my personal life.
“Get your hands off me, Shitface,” I tried to get up and leave, but
someone forced me down even before my feet could touch the floor. I was
still feeling drowsy.
“Avigya stop, you have to rest,” I heard Raj. What hell was he doing
with this man? I looked around but I couldn’t find Kashu or Kashvi.
Instead I saw two worried faces, Raj and Sahil, trying to hold me down
from getting up.
“Where’s Kashu? Where’s Kashvi?” I shouted at top of my voice still
trying to open my eyes. My eyelids were still heavy as if weighing million
of tones.
“Shut up asshole, let the doctor complete his check up,” Sahil roared
back.
“Doctor?” I was surprised and looked at the man in white coat. I was
getting a clear picture now. I could now distinguish
PANKAJ MITTAL 77
between dreams and reality. Facing the reality after the most beautiful
dream is like being shot at point blank range by a cannon.
“Wha… what happened…to me..?”
“You were diagnosed with appendicitis,” the doctor said continuing
with his examination.
“Appendicitis! What’s that, Doctor?” I enquired, for the word was
completely alien to me.
“It’s a stomach disease and can only be cured through operation,” he
said.
“But now it’s okay, I’m fine,” I immediately replied, without even
taking a second to think about it. The effect of the drugs had worn out by
then. But some revelation baffled my senses, “Mom and Dad, are they
here?” Now people might think such a nice boy, thinking about his parents
at a time like this, need their support, etc, etc, blah, blah. But can you
imagine waking up, shouting TWO girl names in front of a mother who
would start weeping upon hearing that and a father who would never show
his love or affection to his son but is ready to bring upon his wrath if things
don’t turn out according to him.
“Oh no Romeo, mom-dad were not informed. But you need to rest
right now,” the doctor said smiling.
“Romeo?!! What do you mean?” I was confused upon this new title
bestowed upon me.”
Getting involved with two girls at the same time, you were destined to
be punished by the Almighty, Mr. Avigya. Now pray to him Kashu and
Kashvi do not show up here at the same time.”
And the whole room was filled with laughter, followed by the nurse,
and my ‘always ready to enjoy’ friends. Though he had got his facts wrong
from assumption I decided to keep mum. After all, yes, I loved both the
girls, Kashu was my life and now, Kashvi was my life to come. Before this
dream I would have shuddered at the thought of becoming a dad, but
remembering Kashvi’s innocent looks and fair skin gave me the strength.
The little angel of my dreams depicted the form of my love for Kashu;
Innocent, fair and pure, I believe.
“You feel better because I gave you a pain killer. You need to be
admitted immediately for saline, or the condition may get worse.” The
doctor warned before leaving the room.
First I thought not to tell about this at home. But then I called my dad
using Sahil’s phone. I informed them about the incident. After my
conversation at home was over, I looked at Sahil. He was ready to give up
his exam for my sake, since someone was needed to be with the patient.
But I was well aware of his intentions.
“Sahil, you need not give up your exams. Dad will be informing
Bhaiya and Bhabhi, they’ll be here soon.”
He was shocked upon hearing this. Where did my Bhaiya Bhabhi
come from? I’ve never mentioned them before, so it was evident for Sahil
to be puzzled. He finally opened up, “Bhai, Please let me stay. I don’t want
to give this damn paper. I wasn’t able to mug up anything, nor do I have
any chits prepared. Let me stay and I’ll do anything for you.”
“It’s pointless bro. I’ll be discharged in the morning and my brother

will take me home. As for you, even if you stay, you’ll reach college well
on time before the exam.”
“Please bro, bro please. I beg. Anything for you.”
Anyway, he was my dear friend. I frowned at him, he grinned. I
allowed him to stay.
“Even if I don’t perform well tomorrow, being with you will give me
a perfect excuse for scoring low.”
“I knew you, asshole.” It made me chuckle and drew a curve on his
lips too.
***
My cousin (Uncles’ son) and his wife stayed in Bhubaneswar, and it was
my favorite weekend spot. Whenever I felt homesick, without giving it a
second thought I used to slip out from the hostel to visit them. I had never
mentioned about them to Raj and Sahil, maybe because they were
themselves busy in the weekends. Soon I started sharing everything with
my Bhabhi, who had a very friendly and decent attitude. I had mentioned to
her about Kashika though not leaking out all the details. With the passage
of time she became more of a good friend to me than a Bhabhi, and many
times I asked her for suggestions when it became difficult for me to take
decisions.
PANKAJ MITTAL 79
My cousin, who worked in a bank in Bhubaneswar, took me to his

house from the hospital. As soon as Bhabhi opened the door, there was no
‘Hi’ or ‘Hello’ or ‘How are you’. Instead I was faced by a questioned.
“What happened to you?” she asked with a worried look on her face.
“Nothing, just wanted to test your cooking skills,” I replied. “Hmm,

like you never did before? Huh,” She locked the main
door and we went in.
“The family has finally planted an informer in our house,” my brother
joked.
“Well, I doubt, I was being treated like a guest. It was all goody-
goody stuff. The real skills will be revealed now and the family will be
‘informed’.”
“Ohhh… shut up, ‘treated like a guest’,” She mocked me in my own
tone, “Get your orange juice from the fridge.” That was her way of letting
you know ‘you belong to the family’.
“What did the doctor say?” she asked my brother as I took the first
sip.
He narrated the whole story to her and about my exams the next day.
“I wished I could have appeared for the exams, but I’m really
unlucky,” I made a sad gesture.
“I know very well how unlucky you feel. Needed an excuse for
skipping the exams, now got one,” she said with sarcasm in her tone.
“And you know the best part, I mean the worst part?” Immediately
correcting my words, I continued, “I will have to travel back home
immediately for the operation,” I said with my face slightly tilted down to
hide my feelings.
The graph of her tone reached its peak. “I got it now, you are happy to
go home because Kashika will be there. Great..!! Don’t study, why you are
fooling your parents. You are the one who will repent later,” she said
getting bit angry.
“Ummm… I think I better leave for the office now.” Bhaiya took the
safest path and escaped. He knew about Kashika even before Bhabhi did,
of course we were brothers. He was amused at my situation because earlier
on our way home he said with a proud, know-it-all smile, “Lucky guy,
excited as hell to meet his girl.” We
had a hearty laugh that moment. He knew if the discussion continues he

might have to take sides. Regardless of the side he chose, he was still
going to face the music from his wife.
“Why don’t you say something…” or “Don’t simply nod your head,
what do you think” were her usual queries whenever she noticed him
simply nodding and agreeing to her points. And if it was confirmed he was
clueless and was simply taking her side, the anger arising out of the debate
would be channelized towards him. God forbid if he was on the other end
of the line. Talking against her would be his tortured-to-death penalty.
He knew it from his past encounters and so he decided to leave before

the ball bounced on his end of the court. He wasn’t afraid of her, infact he
dearly loved her, but was afraid of her long lectures that would emerge.
‘Nobody is perfect, you just have to cherish their positive side and ignore
the negative’ was his ideology of a successful 4 years of marriage. “What
can I do? The doctor says so.” I tried to justify. My brother had left by
then. Well, as usual, a long lecture over studies, health and fitness,
priorities in life, discipline, etc. was drilled into my head. I could only nod
in approval, though some points were quite impressive and I really felt like
implementing them but later.
“You are completely fine. Let your Bhaiya come back home in the
evening. He will take you to a good doctor, and you will be allowed to go
home after completing your exams.” Her point of view was clear enough.
“I also want the same,” I said, nodding my head.

“I know very well what you want, now freshen up and come for
lunch.” She headed towards kitchen.
“I will eat after some time.” I removed the little device from my
pocket, which she noticed and immediately said, “ Ahhh, just like your
brother, let the planet burn to ashes, no one can change us, acha hai, lage
raho,” and she went into the kitchen but I sensed she wasn’t really angry;
she smiled while turning her head.
“I wished I could have actually talked to her, instead of this boring m-
m chat,” I muttered
I texted Kashika, “Kashu, I’m coming back for you!” I was excited at
the very thought of being with Kashika.
***
PANKAJ MITTAL 81
Back in my home town, I was lying half naked on the operation table. A
single piece of cloth covered the middle part of my body. I was damn
nervous to see the theatre from inside. The air inside smelled strongly of
the medicines, chemicals and other compounds, which were completely
unknown to me. The strong smell was making me dizzy. My thoughts were
running wild like a herd of stallions. A big hemispherical light stood
hanging over me, like I had seen in the movies. Initially things around
looked quite interesting but later I realized the terror hidden behind those
shiny sharp objects. I could imagine those knives and blades cutting my
skin like a hot knife through butter. Even the empty plate right next to me
appeared terrifying; its circumference was the right size to hold my
stomach. I tried not to dwell further into the details of the room as I was
getting nervous and my heart was pounding against my chest, like someone
banging at the Heaven’s door seeking sanctuary.
My hands were attached to numerous clips and tied to a support. Lots

of digital machines were placed all around, and every device showed
different graphs. They resembled the graphs I had witnessed in my ACT
classes.
As I tried to recognize the peaks and valleys in the graphs, a sense of
pride crept in. But upon reaching the extent of my knowledge, which
happened too early, I got bored and moved my eyes away. I saw the doctor
approaching, followed by a hot seductress, who was dressed like a nurse.
“Ohhh my… It’s so hot in here,” she said to the doctor and switched
on the fan.
She was beautiful, with a perfect figure, good enough to keep my eyes
focused on her. We exchanged smiles. Her flawless beauty, with her
glistening fair complexion and Holgate smile, was the perfect combination
for the eyes. My eyes kept running between the hills and the valley and the
dangling mangoes of the sexiest tree. Come on, I was under the influence
of drugs, and was feeling dizzy. Besides I was lying naked in front of a
lady that appeared to be the role model for hotness. While I was cruising
through my thoughts, I realized the Sleeping Beauty was waking up. The
revolving fan acted like a catalyst to my ‘condition’. She had enticed the
air to a lusty mood and with long, smooth stokes, the air brushed itself
against the piece of cloth. I fought hard like a true
patriot against these two foreign intruders who’s plan was to make me feel
embarrassed of myself and doubt my patriotism towards Kashika.
“So how are you feeling Mr...?” The doctor’s voice brought me out of
my struggle. He tried to recall my name.
“Avigya…” I helped him out. “Okay!
Mr. Avigya,” and he smiled.
“Yaa, I’m fine doctor, just a little nervous,” I said, while he continued
jotting down the readings from the electronic gadgets.
“Just relax. We will administer you with anesthesia. You won’t even
realize what is happening,” he assured me.
I just nodded a formal yes to everything he explained further. What he did
next was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. All of a
sudden he removed the only piece of cloth
covering me. Damn… I felt so vulnerable and ready to be exploited. “What
have you done, asshole?” I wanted to say, but forced
myself to stay calm.
The female nurse was assisting him in the operation, and I was lying
naked before her. Maybe this was the reason for her smile before. She
knew what was about to come. I looked towards the doctor, in hope of
some sympathy, to make him understand my personal feelings, for he was
a man himself. Only a man can understand the pain and agony of another
but he was busy in his own world, as if everything was normal. They say
what goes around, comes around. Moments before I was watching the
nurse with lusty eyes, undressing her, fondling her and now she was
watching me stripped down to the very last strand. I was not a three year
old child, who remained naked most of the time, wandering around with
his tummy-dummy moving freely in all directions. I was a completely
grown adult teen, and this was really not justified.
Soon the doctor poked some injections in the lower back while the
nurse held me tightly, restricting my movements. The injections were
really painful, but at the same time I enjoyed the soft touch of her hands on
my naked body. Maybe this is what they call ‘Anesthesia’. The mind was
diverted from the injections, to the nurse, but I tried to retain control over
my ‘emotions’. “So this is why they keep beautiful nurses,” I thought, “I
wouldn’t mind being operated without the actual anesthetic if she keeps
PANKAJ MITTAL 83
me touching all over.” Definitely, the stallions of my imagination were

galloping at the peak of their endurance.
The fluid injected earlier resulted in a strange phenomenon and in the
next few minutes I felt as if only half of my body existed.
The doctor knocked continuously over my stomach and asked, “Are
you feeling any pain?”
Clearly I denied, for I could feel nothing.
“It’s because of anesthesia,” and he smiled at me.
“It’s because of Anastasia, jackass?” My eyes had begun to show the
effects of ‘Anastasia’.
“Soon you will lose consciousness, so don’t panic, it’s natural. Till
then you can enjoy the movie on the screen,” he advised pointing at a little
LCD on my left.
I turned my head towards the direction he had pointed. There was
obviously no porn playing, but I could see a strange video on it. It seemed
to play one of those blood gory movies from Hollywood which is not
meant for the faint hearted viewers and are banned in countries like India. I
was amazed at this man’s boldness. He was showing a banned movie to a
patient over an operating table!!! The video reminded me of my school
days, where I had encountered a similar view in Biology class.
Nevertheless, the video was really interesting. Soon I could see a rod type
object between the intestines, and it seemed like it was searching for
something between those coiled tubes. Suddenly appeared a stomach.
Finally I realized what movie it was. I looked at the doctor for clarification,
but the view right at that moment was mind blowing, and completely
unbelievable.
“Bloody hell…!!! Is it really…? What the fuck was he thinking?”

That sick fuck was showing me my own damn operation…!!! The
intestines and the stomach which had entertained me seconds ago were my
own. I was watching my own operation. Out of curiosity, I raised my head
to take a peek. There was a green cloth placed around the area where the
incision was made. It was drenched in blood. The rod as seen on the video
was a thin pipe, with its one end inside my stomach, and the other in the
hands of the doctor. But before I could explore things further the nurse
slowly pushed me down from my shoulders.
“Just stay still, and don’t look there,” the nurse smiled and held me
down. As she bent lower to help me put my head back
slowly over the table, I felt something squishy press against my right
elbow. “Thank you, O Lord, for making me see this day. I don’t regret
dying on this table, if at all it happens today,” I had touched the fruits from
Heaven and the touch really felt heavenly. This raised my enthusiasm. I
tried to peer again at my stomach, and she again tried to put me down, and
I did it again. I was enjoying my operation. I wasn’t doing this on purpose;
it was like an automated process. The words kept on repeating in my head,
“Once again…. once again.” Somewhere inside my head the switch had
been turned on and I kept going on like a robot.
But before I could enjoy further, the lights in the room slowly
dimmed. I fumbled something which she couldn’t understand. She brought
her ear next to my lips. I fumbled again. It took her a few seconds to clean
up those elusive words and comprehend the sentence. Finally she chuckled
upon figuring out what I had said.
“What was he saying, I could hear something?” doctor asked. “No
idea sir, it’s very vague and unclear,” She said smiling. The beautiful
nurse by my side blurred, then finally
disappeared. Everything around became pitch dark. Finally I was
unconscious, thanks to anesthesia. I prefer not to talk about
Anastasia any more.
***
I rubbed my eyes, still not completely conscious and my vision blurry. I

could see foggy faces all around; their eyeballs seemed to be fixed on to
me. “Must be the room in the hospital,” I concluded. I slowly raised my
head and tried to look at my belly. It was neatly plastered. The operation
was over.
“So how is my Laado?” asked my mother, rubbing her hand
affectionately over my forehead. Strange enough for me, though I could not
see her face clearly, but I recognized her even before she spoke. Was it
something related to my memory when I was an infant? Maybe, I
guess.”Fine Mummy,” I replied. I was really amazed when I noticed the
time. It seemed like eight hours of uninterrupted anesthesia-induced
slumber, and I was too weak to make any movement. Maybe it was due to
the drugs. After a few minutes my vision began to clear up and I was able
to recognize the faces in the furthest corner of the room.
PANKAJ MITTAL 85
Suddenly a name appeared like a flash. It was none other than

Kashika. Getting charged up, I immediately asked my mother for the cell
phone. I had switched it off before the operation, for I was not really
interested in making my little love story known to my parents.
Twelve new messages blinked over the screen. I was excited and
curious to know what she had written. I scrolled down the list, but to my
surprise, none belonged to her. The excitement and the adrenalin rush
inside my body got immediately discharged, leaving me hollow and
insensitive. All my friends had messaged me asking about the operation,
but the one who should have really missed me, the only girl in my life,
Kashika, didn’t even bothered to waste one single free message over me. I
unwillingly read the other messages. I had expected the first message to be
hers.
Searching through the messages, I received Mahek’s call. “So how are
you Mr. Appendicitis?” she asked.
“Your bad luck! Still alive,” I tried to joke, but my tone ran flat,
emotionless.
“Damn, it is really you,”.
“Alright, so this was to confirm if I’m alive or not..!!” My mood was
improving.
“Yup, I guess we need to listen more of your Hee-Haw’s.” “Yaa, as
long as I’m alive, you will have to,” I said still thinking,
or more honestly cursing Kashika’s indifference. It was difficult for me to
hide my true emotions from Mahek. She easily recognized that I was not in
a good mood.
“What’s the matter, dear? Why are you upset?” she asked.
I wanted to share with her but Mummy was close by. Luckily, her
eyes began to close, she must have been awake throughout night.
“Nothing, yaar!” I whispered. “She has not called me or even

messaged me,” I replied.
“What?! Are you serious?” she replied, amazed at my words. “Do I
sound like I’m joking?” I replied at her overreaction. “Come on,
maybe she tried calling you while your cell was
switched off.” She tried to console me.
“Hmm, maybe that’s true, but not even a message?” and I pondered
over her words along with my reasons for the next couple
of minutes. “No, she must have tried,” I mumbled to myself feeling guilty
for jumping to conclusions so soon.
“Now take rest and don’t think over these petty matters. Get well
soon, I have lots to talk about with you,” she said all in a single flow.
Mahek had been a real help for me since the day we called it a truce.
After the era of great epic battles between us has ended, I had found a true
friend in my most detested enemy. Strange how life turns out, isn’t it? I
looked at my mother, who was dozing in the chair by my side.
When I found no company I closed my eyes, and started recalling the

day Kashika entered my life, bringing peace and happiness along with her.
My life would be perfect with her. Meanwhile, came another call. It was
Vaishali this time.
“So Bhaiya, how are you?” she enquired. “Hmm, fine,
will be discharged soon,” I replied.
“I won’t say take care, because I know you have someone already
taking care of you,” she said. I really felt happy at receiving Vaishali’s call.
She was Kashika’s best friend, and always had some or the other news
from her, in case she wasn’t able to contact me for any possible reason.
“When are you planning the treat?” she asked in her usual teasing
manner.
I was surprised to hear that. There’s always a treat for happy
occasions, but so far I had not found or done anything happy or joyous to
celebrate. All I had done was getting operated. Still confused with her
unreasonable demand, I asked, “You need a treat over me being operated?
Great!!!”
“Ahhh..!! Now don’t give any excuses. You know I’m talking about
our admission in the College of Business Management, from the forms you
brought for us. Our college will start in few days and I want my treat
before we leave.” By the time she completed, I felt like the air has been
squeezed out of my lungs.
“What?!! Are you serious?!!” I almost jumped from my bed, trying to
control my emotions.
“Yes, seriously. Didn’t Kashika told you?”
“No, she never called me or texted me.” I felt hurt, and a peanut
shaped water droplet rolled down from the eyes, travelling down my
cheeks.
PANKAJ MITTAL 87
I was in a complete dilemma. Was it a tear of joy, or a reaction to

pain? I was happy, excited, overjoyed for now we would be together in
Bhubaneswar, but at the same time I felt hurt, sad and disappointed. I had
received calls from people I had never expected, but the only person I was
really expecting never called me up or even messaged me. Expectations
hurt, I concluded.
“I can’t believe it!!! I informed her about you yesterday in the
morning before your operation,” she exclaimed, still mumbling in her
amazement.
Obviously she had proved Mahek wrong, and I felt I was no less than
a buffoon to feel guilty. She was informed in the morning and my
operation was scheduled for the evening at 5. I had switched off my mobile
10 minutes before the operation. There was nothing left for me to reason
and I needed an explanation, something strong and reasonable.
Vaishali kept on chattering trying to provide silly reasons to ease me

up. I appreciated her thoughtfulness but my mind was way beyond the
calm beaches into the stormy ocean. I tried hard to compose my voice,
which might have sounded rough due to the choking throat, and said,
“Okay Vaishali, I’m getting a call from home, talk to you later, bye.”
She had clearly judged my mood and the actual reason behind my
good bye, for she said in a caring and sympathetic voice, “Okay..!!! Take
care..!! Don’t think about her now and take complete rest,”
Lying silently on the bed, a thought came, “Maybe she’ll contact after
Vaishali informs her about my present condition.”
Time passed, second by second, minute by minute and finally my
eyelids ran out of patience to wait for her call. Till my eyes were
completely closed, I remember the cell phone had not buzzed.
Seven
“So when are we meeting next, Kashu?” I asked, “Two

minutes,” she said.
Nothing had changed between us. Our talking sessions had resumed as
usual upon my discharge from the hospital.
“Coming Sunday, pakkaa,” she confirmed after thinking for two too
long minutes, as if she had lots of important meetings to attend.
She never mentioned the reason for not being able to call during my
operation, and I never asked. I even tried to ignore the fact that I was
informed about her admission from her best friend. I suppose discussing all
this was useless and if she haven’t mentioned it then there must be a reason
she wasn’t comfortable telling me.
She was staying in the college hostel, which meant we would have a
single Sunday to cover up for 6 days. Girls were allowed an outing only on
Sundays according to hostel rules.
I checked the calendar. “Damn it!” I grinded my teeth. The calender
displayed ‘19th August, Sunday’ in bold red letters, announcing danger.
“Danger” not because the color was red. It was because the semester exams
were on 20th,one step ahead of danger date.
“Okay, be ready at 8:30 sharp.” I fixed the timing for the meeting,
ignoring the pressure of the semester exams.
I knew 8:30 was an odd time, but we all know, the time taken by girls
to apply glitter & lipstick, creams & powders and makeup to enhance their
beauty. Oh..!! And I forgot about the clothes.
PANKAJ MITTAL 89
8:30 according to Indian Standard Time would be a minimum 9:30.

Knowing this, I fixed the timing an hour before, since I had to cover a
distance of 15 km before I get a glimpse of her.
She immediately said, “No… make it sharp 9:30.”
“Okay,” and I immediately disconnected the call to avoid further
discussion on timings.
I moved on with my obsession of checking the duration of the last call
made. I was always amazed by the call duration that was displayed after
the call had ended. 3 hours and 23 minutes. Holy Cow!
It was a hike of an hour and 12 minutes and another kick to my

pocket. But money was my last concern, especially when I was actually
talking to Kashu. I had always wanted the messages to end and finally they
did.
Difficult to figure out the exact numbers, but soon the call duration
had shifted from 2-3 hours to 10-12 hours a day. Her calls marked the
beginning of the day, while we almost slept together every night talking
over the phone. Sometimes we slept without even disconnecting our calls.
We would realize in the morning that we were still connected.
We talked for almost every day, every minute and every second but
still our chit-chat never ended. We always had something or the other to
talk about. Nothing bored us, every word was as interesting. The frequency
of our talks made no difference. Sometimes we discussed about our past,
sometimes about our future.
We expressed our love for each other with vehemence, promising to

be in each other’s arms, no matter what. And when she said, “I can’t live
without you Avi. Promise me you will never leave me alone.” I would feel
as if my purpose in life is fulfilled and have attained success equivalent to
1000 times all the top ten legendary people, EVER. I realized no amount of
success can guarantee satisfaction if you are unwanted by the one you love.
The innocence and simplicity in her voice had melted me down. To

this question I had always replied, “I promise. I will love you even after
death do us apart,” and every time I was rewarded a kiss transmitted
through the signals. We exchanged kisses every time we hung up. The
Good Morning kiss and the Good Night kiss
and the Good Evening kiss and the Good Afternoon kiss soon became a
routine. We secretly wished for more time of days to be invented for every
second in 24 hours.
Although I never had the experience of a real kiss, the kiss on the cell
phone seemed so romantic, that it gave me jitters. What would happen
when the real one would come along? The more I talked to her, the more I
had started loving her. Soon my love for her had reached a state where
imagining a future with her was as real as the present; a future without her
appeared to be…. Dark.
“Every time I talked to her, my love for her grew

Although what would it lead to, I never knew
But whenever I said “I love you” I knew it was true.”
PANKAJ MITTAL 91
Eight
I was standing a mere two meters away from the fascinating world of
beauties. Guys always have this immense fascination towards girl’s hostel.
For fifteen minutes I had been waiting for her outside the girls’ hostel
trying to get a glimpse of the Heaven behind the eight foot high entrance
gate. ‘Heaven’ because a Goddess by the name Kashika was there. Every
second of the wait for her passed like an hour. The thought that she would
arrive in the next few minutes kept a smile pasted on to my face. When I
saw the watchman eyeballing me, I realized wandering around the girls’
hostel was not really a good idea. He had been a keen spectator of my hip-
hop performance throughout those fifteen minutes. I did not want to give
him the wrong impression which, unknowingly, I already had; as suggested
by his huge popped out eyes. I changed my strategy and took a turn
towards the medical shop to escape from his suspicious line of vision. I
don’t know why but I bought two band-aids maybe because it was the
cheapest thing available in the medical shop. I stood there waiting for her
when I was shocked to see the same watchman behind me. He bought a
few bandages, which seemed quite confusing at first since he was
completely fit and fine. His next gesture cleared up all my doubts. He
picked up the packet, turned around and looked straight into my eyes. Then
he looked at the bandages in hand and back at me once again, clearly
indicating, “Here, let me take care of those springs in your legs, Mr. Hip-
Hopper.” I quickly turned my head. I noticed him leaving from the corner
of my eyes. He answered me in an unpleasant manner with a sidelong
glance.
Soon Kashika’s call drew my attention and I looked towards the hostel
gate. Her long waist length hair, still somewhat wet, were left loose,
making her look like, of course a Goddess. She stood in front of me,
smiling. Her face was almost glistening. I did not want to move my eyes
off her, but we had places to go and have fun. We have only few hours to
cover up for the whole week. I immediately took her away from the hostel.
Before leaving I looked towards the guard. It was my turn to shoot through
the corners of my vision, clearly indicating, “Don’t you EVER cross my
path, Loser.”
“I missed you like hell for the last six days, but you know how
difficult it is,” she said to me, looking at me with her innocent eyes. “Same
here,” I said trying to pretend I was very angry.
“Are you angry at me?” I turned my face away.
Although she did not say a word, but she reduced the distance
between us to a few micro-centimeters, then suddenly hopped in front
facing me and decorated her arms around my neck.
“I Love you,” she softly whispered in my ears.
I almost jumped out of my skin. Soon she was completely in my arms.
I was taken aback at the sudden affection showered upon me, for never
before had any girl hugged me. I whispered back in her ears, “I love you
too, sweetheart.” I closed my eyes for the next few ticks of the clock, lost
in the fragrance of her skin; I could feel her heart beat. We were still in
each other’s arms when we were distracted by a high pitched sound out of
some vehicle. I soon remembered we were standing on the roadside, and
had already gained a number of spectators. For sure Bhubaneswar was a
small city and conservative enough for romance in public. I mumbled
softly in her ears, thinking about her reaction once she realized the scene.
“Kashu, we are on the roadside.” A laugh escaped from me.
Her sudden reaction was obvious, and she literally pushed me away
with all her strength. The strength behind that sudden push was quite
unexpected; I fell flat on the road. Instead of sympathizing with me, she
started laughing loudly, clapping her hands. Instead of completely getting
up I sat on the road. “Aur hanso” she taunted me, while I smiled, enchanted
by her childish behavior.
The number of spectators had increased by the time. I obviously had
attracted a lot of publicity by my roadside performance. The people around
were definitely not amused by it. So I took her hand, hired an auto, and left.
***
PANKAJ MITTAL 93
“Are you both getting married?” the priest asked us.

We stood right in front of Lord Shiva’s incarnation in the Lingaraj
Temple, with flowers cusped in my hands and Kashika touching the back
of my hands with her palm. By this time the war between me and God had
already come to an end. I had developed a lot of faith in him, and had
started worshipping him for all the blessings he had showered upon me. I
don’t remember when I had started loving the peaceful environment and I
felt somewhat relaxed after visiting the temple.
Kashika looked at me when this question was put all of a sudden in

front of us. I could clearly see lot of expectations in her eyes. Deep lost in
each others’ eyes, we went back to the day we first saw each other, the day
we started talking, how we had been squabbling almost every day, but still
we wanted to be with each other, how our relationship had reached a level
from “unknown” to the “most known” and now “indispensable for each
other”.
Indeed it was not a question concerning me or her alone, it was a

question concerning us. It was a question concerning our futures, a
question most difficult to answer at this stage, when we ourselves had no
idea where we stood in life.
But nothing was more important than the fact we loved each other.
The trust in our relation was sufficient to overlook all the questions we
were not mature enough to answer. So, I looked into her eyes, our hands
still in contact and gave my answer or rather my decision, “Yes, I will.”
He got busy chanting the mantras and also asked us to repeat with
him, “In front of Lord Shiva, we promise to be together always.” That
moment I haven’t made a simple promise by repeating the words as
expected out of us. That promise came from the untouched depths of my
heart. .
After prayers were over, promises made and blessings received, we
left the holy compound of the temple to visit other parts of it. We had
hardly moved away a few steps when I felt my dry tongue scraping my
inner mouth. “She must be feeling thirsty,” I thought. It was really hot
during the day. “Do you feel thirsty?” I asked her.
“Yeah..!! How do you know?” She was amazed.
“I didn’t. I just thought, I should ask you. It’s really hot here” I
replied.
“Thank you, for being so thoughtful,” she said lovingly. “Then wait
here, I’ll be right back,” I gave her a smile and left. With my squinted
eyes, I scanned the whole compound area
like a secret agent or a cowboy in the desert. There was no sign of stalls or
vendors of any kind. I saw a man holding a bottle of mineral water. I knew
it was chilled; the water vapors had condensed over the bottle. I asked him
where he bought it from. He pointed me in the right direction.
I was standing outside the temple entrance. I could see some shops
outside, which I had noticed before but was reluctant to go so far away in
the heat. More time I take, more troubled Kashu will be. I guess I had no
other choice than to come that far. I got into one of the shops, bought a
bottle of water and darted back.
I was gasping for breath and sweating profusely by the time I reached
the spot where I had left her. It had taken me 15 minutes. Not long enough
for someone to run out of patience especially when the waiting person is
thirsty.
She was missing from the place I had left her. I walked around rapidly,
desperately searching for my Kashika; amongst hundreds of visitors it was
not an easy task.
Finally I saw her. The scene I witnessed knocked me out of my
senses. I thought she was alone. I ran in the deadly heat to keep her
company, end her trouble with thirsty throat, to find someone in her arms,
hugging her tightly.
She had never kissed me before, but she kissed him thrice, very
affectionately. I was shocked, jealous and felt cheated. She continued her
love and affection towards him, while I stood there, stunned; watching my
love loving someone else. I had never seen her so happy and cheerful. She
was openly loving him in the public, and no one seemed to object or feel
disgusted. Why was I looked down upon when I hugged her in the public?
Why was I pushed when she realized her fault? Why was hugging me in
the public even a ‘fault’ whereas hugging and kissing this guy brings a
smile on other face? The scene here was something totally beyond
imagination.
She had not noticed me but before their love could progress further, I
stepped in.
I stood in front of her, amazed to see no guilt in her eyes. She looked
at the guy in her arms, then back at me, and smiled.
PANKAJ MITTAL 95
She muttered something in his ears, and very shyly with his finger in
his mouth he called me, “Uncle” and immediately hugged her back hiding
his face.
He was so cute and charming, with his little fingers and sparkling little
eyes. I took him into my arms. He was a 4 years old sweet little kid.
“Hey..!! Such a cute kid…!! Ohh..!! you must be his mom??” I teased
her. “Shut up…!!!” she replied still adoring the baby. She again kissed
him.
“Can I get one too?” I turned my cheek towards her, in case I was
lucky enough to get one.
“Definitely…!!” And instead of the delightful kiss, I got slapped. “This is
cheating…” I protested, whining like a baby. The little dude in my arms
started laughing. Those necessary instincts were already inculcating within
him. Soon in his teens he will be able to grasp 60% Bolish. Of course, what
is our first reaction when we see a guy getting slapped by a girl? Damn
right..!!! We will be rolling on the floor. This kid was already following his
manly instincts.
I turned towards him and said, “Beta say Mummy… Mummy,”
pointing towards Kashika.
And he immediately repeated after me, “Mu…mmm….yyyy.” I saw
Kashu’s cheeks turn rosy pink, as she lowered her eyes and blushed. I felt
lucky to have her in my life, and wished to keep
her happy always.
“Hey Kashika, I also want a baby like him,” I said to her. “Noooo... I
want a bebo…,” she replied, being contentious. “No, a boy…”
“No, a girl…”
Though I contradicted her, I was actually with Kashika. After all, she
was talking about little Kashvi from my dream. Where’s the fun if there’s
no argument?
During this whole conversation, the baby gazed at us, with his big
baby eyes, he was completely confused over the topic of discussion.
“Okay, we will have twins,” I finally tried to end the argument. “What
if both are boys?” She wasn’t planning to end the
argument. It was a serious topic related to our family-to-be. “Yeah,
that makes me realize, what if both are girls?”
During our family planning exercise, I remembered I haven’t even

asked Kashika about this dude. She told me how she found the baby
crying; he seemed to have been separated from his parents in this crowd.
I felt pity for the boy. How careless were his parents to leave him
alone? I asked him a few questions that would help me to find his parents. I
asked him his name and where he lived but he was still frightened to
answer my questions. I offered him some water and tried to relax him. We
searched for help, when Kashika noticed the security policemen at a
distance. She asked me, “Why don’t we take their help?”
The baby shrieked right at the moment when I took the first step
towards them. It was so shrill; it felt like a needle piercing through my ear,
coming out of another. Tears poured out of his eyes like a flooded river. He
stretched his arms towards Kashika, asking her to take him away from me.
“What the hell..!!! I think it’s a bad idea. He’s more scared of them,”
she said taking him away from me. I rubbed my ear, which eased up the
irritation.
People gave us weird looks, since we were too young for a 4 year old
baby. We moved ahead thinking about our future when our child would
call us “Mummy” and “Papa”. We would be having a lot of
responsibilities.
I was about say something to Kashika, when all of a sudden, a deep
voice came from behind us, “Is this your child?”
We turned around to see a cop. He must have been one of the
policemen we saw standing earlier. This time it was no surprise when the
child shrieked. This made the cop seriously doubt us, “Why is he
shrieking? Where are his parents?” He asked in a very harsh manner. This
further aggravated the situation, as the poor kid was so terrified, his cries
became louder. It seemed as if he wanted to tear his throat by forcing
excess air from his lungs.
“Do we look like his parents? Do we? What is the point in asking
‘where are his parents’? Had I known about them, would I have kept the
baby? And he is crying because of you.” I said all this in a fit of anger.
Even he was taken aback. Kashika who was trying to calm the baby was
completely surprised at my reaction. I know I overreacted. It was probably
because of various factors like the crying baby who was dead scared of the
policeman, an
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unsympathetic idiot in khakis who don’t even have the manners to talk,
pressure of finding the kids’ parents as soon as possible and not to mention
the extreme heat.
“Well, there was a couple searching for their baby.” He said, still
stubborn not to admit his mistake.
“Thank you, so thoughtful of you, Sir,” I said in a sarcastic manner,
“Now, if you don’t mind can you take us to them?”
“Yes, follow me,”
We walked for a few meters, when the baby screamed again, saying,
Mummaaa….Mummaa…” He struggled to free himself from Kashika’s
arms. As soon as she had left him, he darts towards a lady who quickly
took him in her arms and tightly hugged him.
She kissed him with desperation, running her hands all over her child.
The tears in her eyes did not stop. She was happy and contented to see her
child safe, while the baby clutched her happily; still a few tears remained in
his eyes. Although he did not speak anything, his loving eyes clearly said
to his mother, “Never leave me alone Mummy….I can’t live without you.”
Her moist eyes made that promise. Soon the father walked in and hugged
his dear son. I was happy to see them together. I saw Kashika. She looked
mesmerized by the love between the parents and their child. A pearl
dropped from her eyes, which I immediately wiped away. I took her in my
arms, and said, “Don’t worry dear, we will have one of our own,
someday.” She punched me but then held me more tightly, still sobbing as
she was deeply affected by the emotional reunion. Our work was over, the
child had his parents and the police man was satisfied that we were no baby
kidnappers. I suppose everyone was happy.
We slowly moved towards the exit. Our hands were locked together.
The little kid had ignited a feeling within her heart that was within me after
my special dream.
Love is strange, Love is wild

While long term of togetherness, gives no reason to live Few
moments of love, gives you a reason to die...
Nine
Few months passed.

Movies, adventure sports, night out plans ruled our minds even before
Saturdays came. But post-Kashika, things had changed. Night-outs were
something I had absolutely no interest in. All my night-outs had
transformed into romantic late night talks with my lover. An indispensable
feeling of completeness conceals you when you are talking to the person
you love, when the cool moon has cast its light and when the seeds of
romance have sprouted within the two hearts.
I was talking to her on my cell phone from the hostel terrace, along
with other Romeos who had occupied every inch of space, not even the
terrace walls were left vacant.
“Have you seen the moon today? It’s so beautiful.” “Hmm
. I’m looking at it,” she replied.
“How do you feel, when you look at it?” I asked, trying to be
romantic.
“It’s so marvelous... you said to me once, you would give me anything
I wanted… I want the moon as it looks today, will you give it to me?”
“Why do you even want that thing?” I asked her in a surprised tone.
“That means you can’t?” She was about to play with my head and I
knew it.
“Of course, I can but….”
“Then give it to me,” She cut into my conversation not even bothering
to listen to the complete line.
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“Honey,” I said in a serious tone. She listened attentively. “I don’t

mind giving you the moon. But you deserve something
better something more precious than a moon.”
To her it was just a compliment, but it was something real for me. I
mean, even if it was practically possible to bring the moon, I wouldn’t. I
truly believed my Kashu deserved better.
“Achaa, and what can it be?.”
“My Heart.”
“Ohhh ho…And what makes you think it is precious than moon?”
Once again she was in a mood to tease me. I seriously continued, “It
wasn’t. It was worthless. But now it is priceless because it has…. You.”
I was sure she was flying high in the sky since there was no teasing,
no ‘achaa’.
“My Avi’s heart was never worthless,” She finally said, then
continued in her childish way of requesting, “Okay Sweet Heart… I want
to sleep now.”
“Don’t disconnect the call, we will sleep together,” I said.
“Ummmwaaah” She blew a flying kiss over the network,
making me excited for the day I’d get one for real.
“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?” I asked her. I had been waiting
anxiously for Mondays, Tuesdays and every other ‘days’ to pass, so that I
could welcome the Sundays.
“ Noooo, I will go to my aunt’s house tomorrow,” she said. “But you
promised to spend this Sunday with me!”
“Yes, I know but I can’t. Aunty forced me to be with her this
weekend.”
This statement was something which my ears had become accustomed
to. Visiting her aunt had become almost a regular routine for her on
Sundays, transforming from ‘sometimes’ to ‘very often’. Sunday was the
only day we could have met, but she usually came up with some or the
other stuff to complete on that very day. Although I was habitual to her
“NOs”; still a “NO” made me felt as if I was the only one who longed to
meet her.
“Fine, go to your Aunt then,” I was annoyed.
“Why are you behaving like this?” she protested. For the first time I
had expressed my anger over her NO’s. She was clearly shocked.
“Because you had promised to spend this weekend with me. For the
last two Sundays you’ve been to your aunt’s house. It has been more than
twenty five days since we last met. You never keep your promises and it
really hurts, Kashu.”
“Please don’t say aise,” she replied.
“What else to say? Every time I’m the one making all the efforts to
meet you. Have you ever taken an initiative? Have you ever asked me to go
out with you? Or at least meet you?”
Neither of us spoke for the next few minutes. There was complete silence. I
knew she would be short of words. Such argument had never crept within
our conversations. Finally the deadly silence broke as she spoke, “I always
want to be with you.” “Yes, that is why you always say ‘NO’. Earlier, you
always had time for me. But now with our relationship getting old;
everything else seems more important to you than me. We used to talk all
night and you never disconnected the call even when I asked you to sleep,
but now, whenever I want to talk to you, you are either sleepy or busy or
there’s someone around you. You are never there.” I said everything in a
single flow, trying to catch my breath. This was a really troubling issue for
me and finally I had mentioned it to her. Otherwise, everything was
perfect. “Kashu! It seems as if
you don’t love me anymore,” I said with a heavy heart.

She did not respond. Instead, after a brief pause, she said softly, “I
love you.”
The genes transferred from my mother were activated by now. Hurting
Kashika was unimaginable to me even in my wildest dreams, but it was so
easy for her. While she had become my inspiration to live, she was making
me feel I was no more important for her. I put her on hold while I went to
the washroom and washed my face. This gave me some time to cool down
and try to put a full stop to the discussion.
“Okay! Kashu, from now on I would never ask you to meet up.
Whenever you feel you are free and you need me let me know. I promise to
be with you whenever I’m needed. I’ll be always there for you, love you,
bye.” I disconnected the call without waiting for her reply, while my vision
had blurred due to tears. After disconnecting, I got a call back from her. I
decided not to receive it. Finally I had to when the call came for second
time and before she could say anything, I said, “Come on dear, just go to
sleep. It’s
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very late. I’m not angry at all, we will talk tomorrow,” I said, without even
a hint of anger in my voice.
“Okay! Just want you to know, I love you.”
“I love you too, dear.” I disconnected the call and went down the
stairs to my room. There was nothing romantic now; in the moon, in the
environment, in the ambience… or in the heart. Rather it was chilling and
hurting. I was halfway down the stairs when her message came, “I’m
sorry.”
Maybe she felt guilty. In the past she had always asked me to say
sorry, but she had never said for herself. “Okay dear, we will meet
tomorrow, if you wish to.” I was waiting for the day she would actually
initiate a meeting herself.
After all she was my Kashika, sweet and stubborn as usual. Her ears
would remain deaf to the world if she had decided something, even if she
was wrong. It was usually late whenever she realized her mistake, but
before that….. she would sleep peacefully.
Love, A beautiful attire

Very soon it catches fire
But when one’s heart remains aloof The
other is only left with striving desire.
I looked at my cell phone. It happened always; I don’t know if she was

blessed with a sixth sense, or it was just a coincidence, but Mahek’s call
always followed after a fight with Kashika. Till now, fight as in our case,
represented small, little and petty differences which were later taken care
of. This time the matter was serious.
“Hi Avi!” she whispered.

“Hey..!! How are you? It is perfect time to call to ruin anyone’s
sleep,” I said in a sarcastic way.
“Hell with you man,” she was disappointed.
Her voice dragged me out of Kashu mania. I immediately tried to calm
her down
“You had a fight with Kashika again,” she continued. “No,” I
said amazed at her blind, but true, guess. “Don’t you dare lie
to me. What happened?”
“How do you always get to know this yaar? Answer me, Witch.”
“Stop your bullshit. Just tell me what happened,” she ordered. ‘Witch’
was a title I had bestowed upon her, long time ago, during the days of our
cut-throat rivalry. The frequency of usage had diminished with time along
with the purpose of usage. Earlier it was to infuriate her now it was just to
tease.
I conveyed all the necessary information needed to grasp the situation.
When I was done relating the complete back story, I said, “I don’t know if
she knowingly does this. Seems like I am the only one crazy for her,” I
clearly mentioned my frustration at this point.
“Love means adjustment, Avi. Maybe she really wanted to meet you,
but her aunt insisted her to be with her,” she gave her bookish philosophy.
“It has nothing to do with adjustments. I clearly understand when she

wishes to meet her Aunt. What’s wrong in a small meeting once in a
week?”
“I’m not saying you are wrong, but still…” She stopped midway. I
knew she wanted to see me and Kashika together, still, some facts can’t be
ignored. Though we can cover them for some time with fake theories and
philosophies but eventually they will show their ugly face.
“Still what?”
“She is just too selfish to think of others,” I finally concluded. “You are the
one saying this?!!! Unbelievable..!!! After five minutes, when Mr. Hot
cools down, Kashika will become the most caring, most beautiful, most
perfect lady ever,” she taunted. Every word she spoke was true. Whenever
we had quibbled, I had picked up adjectives like selfish and stubborn for
her. When I
had calmed down, growing indulgent towards facts, I would replace the
adjectives with beautiful, caring and loving.
“I don’t know what I feel for her, I just love her and I want her, and
now I’m feeling sleepy, I’m going to sleep.”
“Okay, I just want to ask you one last thing. Promise me you will tell
the truth,” she said in her most serious tone.
“That depends upon the question.” I played safe.
“What do you actually feel for her? Think seriously and then answer.
Forget about what happened.” “Well… she is…..” I thought deep enough.
Kashika’s lovely smile into my mind, I could clearly
PANKAJ MITTAL 103
see her laughing, smiling, teasing me in her usual manner. And then my
answer followed, “….She is….Mine.”
I felt a bit embarrassed, to hear Mahek laugh. But I realized what I did.
Mahek had once again proved me wrong. I can never find Kashu stubborn,
uncaring and selfish. I soon joined her and it lasted for few more minutes.
After completing my studies I pushed off to sleep; if luck prevails, to get a
glimpse of Kashika in my dreams.
Ten
“Problems come like a breeze, violent enough to knock you down yet
cannot be seen.”
I entered the class room after the break; I looked twice to confirm it
was mine. The professor stood at the extreme left corner of the class. From
his cantankerous looks, something in the air seemed unpleasant. Definitely
something happened that was not to his liking. On noticing others I
encountered a scene similar to Ramdev Baba’s campaign, which I was
forced to attend a few months ago. Everyone looked so attentive, so
serious, so much like exemplary students. This was my clue that something
serious was going on. After all, they were not worth enough to be ‘ideal
animals’ forget about ‘ideal students’.
I faintly heard a song in the background-”Choli ke peeche kya hai?”I

thought –”Now who’s this dumb ass playing this song in the class.”
I could not control myself hearing the song, automatically a laugh

followed.No one really answered the question but kept giggling. To add to
my amazement everyone laughed much more on seeing me laugh, while a
few said something pointing towards me, which was not audible. My
curiosity peaked. I realized I was the center of attraction in the class, but
why that was so, was not yet revealed.
I searched for Sahil amidst the crowd, for clarification. Neither of us

uttered a word but I silently asked him what was happening, to which he
did not utter a word, but his lips said everything. I
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decoded his lipsing, and it passed the message, “It’s your cell phone,” and
he started beating the desk with one hand.
Automatically my hands moved to the left pocket of my jeans, which
was the usual place where my cell phone resided. It was missing. It was my
cell phone which was ringing. It was enough to erupt few volcanoes in my
mind and let the lava come out. You would never find the necessity of
enemies in one’s life, if you were blessed with such divine friends. Friends
who would change your ringtone behind your back, and make it ring in
class.
My ears became deaf to the laughter around, my eyes rolling, while
my body showed no further movement, it had frozen.
I tried to analyze the situation. The Prof was ready to crush the neck of
the culprit, which was me, and although he was silent, it was the silence
before a storm. Everyone was enjoying the drama, while I stood at the
entrance of the classroom ready to be hanged till death. Everyone knew
that it was my cell phone, except for the angry Prof.
Suddenly, an idea popped up in my mind. If I successfully enter the

close and turn down the cell phone before prof finds it, he would not be
able to catch hold of the culprit. I politely asked him, “Sir may I come in?”
“Yes! Sure come sit and enjoy the laughter show,” he replied, his
every word loaded with sarcasm.
Ignoring him, I carved my way directly towards my regular place; I
immediately looked for my bag and found the cell phone still questioning,
“Choli ke pichey kya hai?” Obviously it’s a good habit to ask questions in
the classroom and get your doubts cleared, but for the type of question my
cell phone was asking, probably not.
I immediately put my hand to get hold of the cell phone while my

heart was still pounding, and my hands trembled. I had found the cell
phone, but just few milliseconds before my thumb could press the red
button of the cell phone , someone tightly held my hand, tight enough to
restrict any further movement.
Startled, I turned back to look who it was. I almost skipped a breath, I
was caught red handed for a crime I had not committed.
“Just don’t move, and come out,” the Prof shouted at the top of his
voice, jolting all my senses awake. I quietly obeyed.
The whole class was silent by now and stared at what would happen to
me now?
I stood in front of the class and the professor looking at me furiously.
“Initially I thought you to be a very sincere student, but you have

proved me wrong,” he shouted holding my cell phone in his hand. It was
clear he had a very poor judgment regarding people, for other Prof claimed
they had known about me from the very first class, and had tagged me with
the title “Idiot”.
“But Sir, I did not do anything,” I tried to convince him. “Just shut up,
everything has got a limit,” he shouted at the
top of his voice, making it clear to me that the day was going to get a lot
worse.
“Whose photograph is this?” he asked me, pointing towards the
wallpaper in my cell phone. It was Kashika sitting in the coffee house,
holding a mug of cappuccino. I scrambled for a reply. I tried to fool him.
“Sir, I downloaded it from the internet, she is a Tollywood actress.” While
I was struggling hard to get out of this trouble, I could see Sahil and Raj
snickering.
He raised my mobile high up in the air and declared, “Look, this
chimpanzee is a Tollywood actress,” and he started laughing. A few of the
audience joined in.
“Sir, please…” I pleaded. If things had been under my control, I
would have punched him real hard. “To a chimpanzee, everyone looks like
a chimpanzee,” I thought to myself.
“I won’t leave you this time, do you have your father’s number in the
cell phone?” he asked me.
“Yes sir,” I replied, with terrible fear, which I was sure, showed on
my face. The situation had taken a turn for the worse. Even if my father got
the slightest idea of my commitment to Kashika, it would be enough to
bring down the furies of hell on my head.
“I’ll talk to him after the class. Just keep it with you,” and he passed
the cell phone to Sahil.
I turned back and sat behind Sahil and the class resumed as usual-
”Scary graphs, horrendous diagrams and lost me”.
Everyone got involved in the lecture after a good deal of
entertainment, while I was still overcoming jitters. Neither the lecture, nor
the symbols made any sense. I closed my eyes to
PANKAJ MITTAL 107
relax, but the image of my father in a furious mood did nothing to calm me
down.
While the Prof was busy writing some bullshit on the blackboard,
Sahil immediately passed me the cell phone and asked me to replace the
dad’s number with his number.
I took the cell phone, looking blankly at him. He gave me the “Now
what?” look.
If I replaced his number in place of my father’s, the Prof would call
my father, but talk to Sahil. A great idea, indeed. And for the next few
seconds, with trembling hands, I followed the instructions of the person
responsible for this whole mess to begin with.
The unexpected turn of the professor towards me made me experience

death before I could actually die. I felt shudders pass through me at the
thought that he had seen Sahil passing the cell phone to me.
The Prof came near me and asked with most jolly expression on his
aged face, “So, Mr. Avigya. Any doubts?” and without bothering for my
reply, he turned towards the blackboard, taking away with him his devilish
sarcastic laugh.
I took my breath again, which I had lost out of fear. Finally the lecture
was over. The Prof, taking the cell phone, stepped out of the classroom.
I said to Sahil, “I am totally fucked up, now don’t make any other
mistake,” to which he just gave a quick smile. “Don’t worry I am bringing
your cell phone in ten minutes,” he said with the utmost confidence in his
voice and left the class room.
His words were too good to be believed, although if they came true I
would never let my cell phone remain lonely. The hostelers had left to eat
in the Mess, scholars were busy eating lunch in class, but I had no appetite
for anything. The only thing I wanted was my cell phone in my hands, and
that was the only thing that would calm me down.
I blankly looked for Sahil when he did not turn up in the next few
minutes. I could see him talking with the Prof. I darted back inside the
classroom, my tension still at its peak, my eyes glued to the door.
After five minutes Sahil came in, but his woebegone face made it clear
that he had failed this time, and no one could save me
now. But suddenly the expression on his face took a dramatic turn. Just a
little more energy and his leap would have brought his head in contact with
the ceiling. I could clearly see my cell phone in his hand. I immediately
jumped up, and hugged him in excitement.
I had no words to express my gratitude for the unique talent he had ,to
resolve the most difficult tasks within minutes. “But how was it possible?”
I asked him, still finding it difficult to believe that I was no longer in
trouble.
“Everything is possible for Sahil. You got your cell phone naa, be
happy with it,” and he roared out loud with his devilish laugh, feeling
proud of his deed.
Anyways I did not bother to ask any further questions. I was happy to
have my cell phone back. I looked at my cell phone still confused whether
to be thankful to Sahil for bringing the cell phone back to me, or curse him
for putting me in an unwanted trouble in the first place.
***
Raj lost control of himself, and a tight slapped followed. The sound was
enough to everyone, while it left no effect on Sahil. He stood silently, still
smiling while his hand dripped blood on the floor.
I counted eight deep cuts on his right hand. Seeing blood brought me
goosebumps. Blood stressed me, it emotionally drained me. I saw many
people around me in the same plight, hurting themselves for their loved
ones, although it led to nothing but more pain. Sometimes it was done only
to grab attention .It made me realize that maybe someday ,even I can be in
the same condition, if something similar happened between me and
Kashika, and the way things were between us, who knew what would
happen? At times I feel that I am a fool If I don’t learn the problems of a
relationship from the distress of people around. But I knew I had loved her
truly and it would never happen.
We were pretty aware of Sahil’s and Rashmi’s daily clashes, and I

knew their relationship wouldn’t last long but still we never had imagined
the scene we witnessed. We were having our lunch when Sahil went to the
last bench, where Rashmi was sitting and they started talking. But when
the sound of their talks suddenly escalated into shouting, and Rashmi left
the class with the most
PANKAJ MITTAL 109
frightening bitchy looks on her face, we turned around and found Sahil’s
hand bleeding.
He had cut his hand with a blade. I dared not to go there, but Raj did,
and slapped him, to which Sahil waved his bleeding hand and said, “I can
do anything for my Rashmi,” and he again burst out laughing.
We were used to Sahil doing weird things whenever he had a breakup,

which was quite frequent. After his last breakup he had called his
girlfriend’s mother, and told her everything about their affair. His ex-
girlfriend still cursed the day she met Sahil. But still, we had never guessed
that he would do such a foolhardy deed.
We knew that Rashmi was a real bitch as a choice of girlfriend for

Sahil, but his love for her had caused him to ignore something that was
transparent to us. Sahil had always been our target for mockery for his
frequent breakups, but today I saw all this in a different manner. I realized
how painful it must be when you get cheated by the person you trust the
most. He had been very serious about her, and suddenly when my screen
flashed ‘Kashika calling’ my hands trembled as I disconnected the call.
I stood at a distance watching him, he was laughing out loud, but his
wet painful eyes clearly revealed the trauma he was going through. I did
not have the guts to sympathize , or even go near him. I was so disturbed
that I left the class and went directly to the hostel.
Many a times I also had fights with Kashika, and we had thought of
leaving each other and going our own ways one day, but that was
temporary, and lasted only a few hours. Soon we would be saying sorry to
each other, making promises to be with each other till the very end. I could
not imagine my life without her anymore. I could not see myself surviving
if she left me, for I knew for the very first time what love and sacrifice
meant. It felt as if my heartbeat had stopped, time had paused, the winds
had frozen, the moon light had dimmed, and everything had temporarily
come to a standstill. Although I was in the hostel, the blood stained hand of
Sahil was still on my mind. I peered through the window and saw a few of
my classmates taking him to the hospital in an ambulance. I was almost
become numb, I silently prayed for Sahil. I did not want to lose him. Soon
the sounds of the ambulance
echoed throughout the college campus. By that time, the news had spread;
through my window I saw terrified faces praying for him. Later, gathering
myself,I went to the hospital. Raj and I sat outside waiting for the news
that the doctor would give.
We were sitting outside the operation theatre while he was fighting for
his life. It was already 4 in the morning, but we were wide awake,sleepless.
I could clearly see tears in Raj’s eyes, he gave me a tight hug, and even I
could not control my tears.
“Don’t worry Avigya, nothing will happen to him. He will get well
soon, and again his search for beautiful girls will begin, he cannot die as a
bachelor.” Raj tried to laugh, but his eyes were completely drenched with
fear.
It was only at 6 in the morning, when the doctor came out of the
operation theatre and declared that our dear friend was out of danger,
hearing this everyone took a breath of relief.
PANKAJ MITTAL 111
Eleven
“Feelings were deep, movements passionate and desires ramped up”—

vaguely I could describe the moment by words.
I had no idea who took the initiative, nor was I interested to know, but
we had already taken the leap.
From her waist, I don’t know when, my hand had slowly crept inside
her top. I looked around furtively to check if anyone was watching, but
found only a few other couples, all scattered throughout the movie theatre.
Even the nearest couple was completely busy.
Satisfied that no one was watching, I looked back at her. She smiled
back. Nervousness, desire, trust and passion reflected in her eyes. Without
conscious thought, we moved closer until there was nothing separating us;
not even air. Her face had never been so close to mine. For the first time I
felt her intoxicating nearness. I touched her face with my palm, slowly
caressing her below the ear and on the neck. She closed her eyes. My
heartbeat kicked in with hers; I could feel it. Both hearts were playing a
love song; the same song. Our faces made contact. She rubbed her face
against mine. Softly, carefully I kissed her forehead, planted a little kisses
on her ear, a wet kiss on her neck. Her grip grew tighter. She squeezed my
shoulder and touched my lips with her.
She captured my upper lip. I gasped. The kiss became harder. She
leaned completely, resting on my chest, and we continued kissing each
other. Our lips were completely interlocked. I slowly wiped away a strand
of hair that got in the way. Her gasps increased
with each passing second. My hand, earlier on her waist, moved up inside
her top. Her body jerked, but my hand still moved ahead.
She held my hand and silently whispered, “Please no, naa.” “Okay,
dear.” I touched her eyes gently with my palm, closing
them. Again my lips contacted hers, while her body remained in tight
contact against mine. My hand touched her belly; lovingly, playfully,
slowly trying to move ahead with a mission. Before it could cross the
enemy lines, her hand ambushed it, capturing it in her tight grip once again.
While I tried to free my hand, she restricted my further movement. Her
body pressed closer. While our lips were busy, I freed my hand
overcoming resistance from her and slowly moved ahead.
My hand was committed to achieve their mission. By now I had sent

another hand as reinforcement. My fingers touched something on her back,
it was a hook. My excitement soared up, but before I could unhook it she
pushed me away. “What are you doing? Just stop it!” She looked different,
almost angry.
I was taken aback for a couple of seconds, I looked around. There was
hardly anyone left in the theatre. “Why the hell she did that?” I thought and
looked at her. It was flushed. I turned my head away. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“Don’t be,” I said, getting angry.

“Please!” She held my hand, trying to calm me down.
“It makes me feel cheap whenever you do that,” I struggled to keep
my voice low and tried not to announce what happened between us.
“No, you shouldn’t.”

“Why not? You make me feel as if I’m forcing myself upon you.”
“No, you’re not. And I never said anything like that.” She tried to
protest.
“No, you haven’t said anything but your actions suggest that.” I felt
dejected.
She turned my face towards her and with a trembling smile she said,
“I’m sorry, dear. I love you.”
I felt depressed. I couldn’t go through like this again. I never wanted
to be portrayed in her eyes like one of those hungry wolves ready to tear
apart everything in their lust. I wanted her to know, whatever I did was
because of my love for her.
PANKAJ MITTAL 113
“I’m sorry, I won’t touch you ever again if you feel offended. And
you keep your hands off me.” I jerked her hand away from my face.
“Achaa?!! Can’t I even touch you like this?” She touched her finger
on my right hand. She was again teasing me.
“No, don’t you dare to touch me again,” I said, and removed her
finger.
“Not even like this?” This time her hand was inside my shirt. I looked at
her. With one eyebrow lifted, she was now teasing me to the core. Her
touch felt fabulous. It was difficult, but I
forced myself to pull her hand out. She
leaned forward.
“Stop it, touch me again and I swe….,” Before I could even complete
my sentence, she grabbed my collar and said grinding her teeth, “Shut up.
If I’m not saying anything doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want. I
don’t care what you do but watch what I do.”
Even before she had finished her statement, she was on my lap, her
legs across, her bosom tight against my chest. I struggled to breathe. She
unbuttoned the top two buttons of my shirt and wrapped her hands around
my chest. I remained dumb, and before I could utter a word, she locked her
lips on mine.
Her hands disappeared inside my shirt, arousing every single hormone
I had. She was over me, like a biker ready for a ride. I still forced myself
not to touch her. She was playing a game, where I was the object of desire.
I badly wanted to give in, but tried not to. All of a sudden the lights came
up. She jumped back to her seat.
For the next few seconds our vision was blurred. After a few minutes
when we came back to reality, I was almost blown by the fact that she was
controlling me and we were having a torrid romance session in public;
inside the theatre. I prayed no one had watched us.
I stared at the screen with messed up hair and a dumbfounded smile on

my face. I saw her wilder side, and it was……..amazzzzzzzzzing. The
movie was over, the credits were on, without anyone having the slightest
idea about the starting or the end. ‘Anyone’ means the audience. I suppose
the movie was such a bore that most of the people had the expression,
“WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?” I looked at my watch. It was
already 3.00 pm. Three hours had passed since the movie began.. I looked
at Kashika. The expression on her face was no different from mine. Our
faces clearly reflected, “Is it over?!!! Haawww..!!!” I held her hand, and
we left the theatre slowly. I fought with her over this Sunday and finally
she gave it to me. But I wondered
if she enjoyed her weekend the way I did.
As we reached near the exit, I got my answer as she winked at me; I
wasn’t sure if it was for the guts we had shown, or for the movie we hadn’t
watched or was it for, “Let’s do that again, some other time….!!”
Whatever, I don’t care for the meaning, since it was the best day of
my…..Life.
PANKAJ MITTAL 115
Twelve
“Fuck! Dude! This electronics subject sucks.” I looked at my roommate,

irritated and expecting an expert advice from Raj.
“You don’t have an option, so shut up and read it,” advised
Raj.
I looked at my smiley watch; even it expressed mirth at my pathetic
condition. It was already 1 o’ clock. Seven hours were left and I was still
struggling with the first module. As usual, I regretted for not studying
throughout the semester followed by prayers to the Almighty, but it was
already too late.
“No way. This is impossible.” I said as I looked at the 1020th page at
the end of the book. “Stop your nonsense..!! Listen, complete the first
module and you’ll be through,” Sahil said with confidence, and passed me
the syllabus.
I looked at the computer printout with the header that read “Syllabus”
in bold letters, and after a few calculations, the pressure within my nerves
dropped. The minimum passing marks could have been covered from the
first module itself. Moreover, seven hours were enough.
I smiled as I looked at my book. Out of the blues, my cell phone

buzzed, drawing the attention of all the ‘one night studious’ studs around.
They gave me a ‘don’t-pick-that-up’ look. They were sure it was

Kashika .
“Five minutes, that’s it,” I tried to convince them. The whole year had
gone without studying. “How could another five minutes make a
difference?” I thought. Soon, out in the corridor, I leaned
over the balcony overlooking the common area below. I hit the call accept
button. “Hello! Kashu… Umwaaaah…” I sent her a flying kiss. Her call
made forget about the urgency related to the exam.
“What’s the matter, dear? You sounds quite cheerful..!!!” she said.
“Hmm, it’s your voice.”

“Achaa …!!!” she said. I would have given my infinite years of
Immortality if I had any, just to hear this ‘Achhaa’ from her.
“How was your day today?” I asked. “Pretty Cool! And you know, I
asked Arvind yesterday to bring my favorite dish for lunch, and his mother
specially made it for me..!!!” she exclaimed happily.
Arvind. I was well acquainted with that name. In the beginning, I
wasn’t affected by that name. She had introduced us in the initial days of
her friendship. I knew he was just a good friend of Kashika, and his
girlfriend was a junior in my college, but the frequency of the name
creeping in our talks had increased. I suppose insecurities and love go hand
in hand together. It was no different in my case. The comments from her
friends, “How come Arvind and Kashika go around so often?” became a
matter of concern for me. I had started to feel possessive about her.
Although I had thought quite often discussing this with Kashika, I

would end up deciding not to. After all, it was just a friendship. I was also
sure that she would misunderstand me. I had planned to talk to her later
when she would completely understand me.
Not getting a reply from me, she asked, “What happened?” “Nothing.
Did you like it?,” I said, trying to divert the topic. “Of course, I did.
And you know, he’s is going to bring it again
for me tomorrow,” she said.
“Great…!!”
“You know, Arvind is also helping me out with the assignments. Poor
guy, never finishes his own, but always manages to complete mine.”
“Hmm..” I was definitely not interested in most of the stuff. “He even
gifted me a beautiful bracelet yesterday, when Swati told him about my
birthday last week. He was also amazed to
know I haven’t received any gifts. He’s so caring, naaa?.”
“Why are you wasting your time telling me all this?” I hollered at the
top of my voice. Enough was enough, it was getting on my
PANKAJ MITTAL 117
nerves. This was just an example what I have been going through for the
last few weeks. I had asked her to meet me this Sunday. But as usual, a
“no” came from her end. I had so many plans laid down to make her
birthday special; we would have gone shopping, had a wonderful lunch at
some nice restaurant that I could have afforded for that special day. Her
“no” had ruined my every plan. To top it all, she was indirectly saying that
I haven’t been caring enough, that I had completely forgot about her
birthday and haven’t gifted her anything. I wasn’t blind enough to see
someone else playing their cards against me. This was enough.
“What happened to you?”

“Is it necessary to talk about him always?” “What’s the
problem? He is just a good friend.”
“I know that. Can’t we talk about ourselves for a change?” I still tried
to keep things to myself.
“I know what you want to say.”
Her voice turned heavy; I could sense that she was already in tears. I
felt guilty, for I had promised myself that I would always keep her happy.
Her painful voice had melted my heart. I felt anguished, and tried to put
my point of view for her to understand. “Look Kashika, I just feel
possessive, nothing else.”
“Don’t be naive. The fact is, you don’t trust me anymore,” she burst
out.
I sensed things getting out of control. Obviously it was not a good
sign for a healthy relationship. Trust and possessiveness are two different
feelings, but still on the same track. Someone once told me ‘possessiveness
never arises when you love someone; it arises when you have fear of losing
someone’.
She was everything to me. Of course, losing her was not an option. It
would be like losing my soul. I knew my behaviour had nothing to do with
trust, it was because of trust that we were still together, but no one could
have explained that to my little angel. I could have only hoped for her to
understand this in the future. I tried to tackle the situation, “I trust you
more than myself, Kashu. Tell me, how would you feel if I talk about some
girl every time I meet you?”
There was a silence at the other end, I checked if the call was
disconnected. Hiding something in the heart was not a solution to any
problem. Her heart was bursting with feelings and thoughts
she never expressed. I wanted her to open up. “Say something, Kashu. It’s
not like I don’t trust you. But can’t I even let you know about my
dislikes?”
“From today onwards I won’t ever talk to a guy inside or outside the
college, I will never be social. Now on I will only talk to you,” she said
furiously.
I tried all possible means to pacify her but under no circumstances was
she ready to consider my view. It was already 4’o clock. “Achaa,” I said.
“What will happen to poor Nishikesh?”
“Just shut up. Don’t say that name again.”
Her anger began to descend. Nishikesh was one of her classmates who
fluttered around her like a honeybee. He kept on staring at her all day. His
advances stopped when Kashika banged his head on the desk one fine
morning; this is what she told me. It was hard to believe earlier but truth
remains truth. “Does he still adore your beauty?” I said, trying to flatter
her.
“I will bang his head again if he dares, and yours too. Don’t you tease
me with his name,” and I could hear her laughing at her own mockery. Her
laugh was so soothing to me, it used to relax my stressed nerves like
magic.
“Hmm. That’s my Kashu.”
“Achaa…”
“Now, promise me, next Sunday we are going to meet Arvind, and
you are not breaking any friendships with anyone.”
“Okay sure… good night… sweet dreams… love you.” “Love
you too, Sweetheart.”
“Just last thing. Have you completed your studies?”
“Yes, I have even revised it twice.” I felt like laughing at her question.
She had finally remembered about my exam. After fighting continuously
for four hours, she asked me about my studies. I entered the room. Another
two hours were left for the exam as the clock indicated. Everyone was fast
asleep after completing their studies, and I was the only neophyte left in the
subject.
Though I would have tried to study in those last moments, my eyes

were unable to carry the weight of my eyelids. I lay down on my bed. Our
fight had got on my nerves, but still I was contended that finally she was
happy and would sleep peacefully. Although I had told her earlier I
wouldn’t mind if her friend was a
PANKAJ MITTAL 119
guy, but now I was slowly backing out on my words. She was stubborn and
would never listen to me even if she was wrong. Once again I could only
hope for her to understand me. Finally, I closed my eyes and wished for
some miracle to help me qualify the exam.
Sometimes I feel you should have understood me..

Sometimes I feel if you should have listened to me..
Maybe not today but someday you will..
But take care you understand it before it’s too late..
Thirteen
I knew this day was about to come, but I never expected it so early. Or
rather I wasn’t prepared for the way it came.
It was Saturday evening. I was about to call Kashika to plan for the
following day. It had been a long time since we were together. She had
promised to come this Sunday for a full day outing. I was, as usual,
exhilarated at the thought of spending time with my love. Right before I
could press the green button to call her, the screen flashed, “Papa calling...”
Either it was the change in my behavior, or it was due to my

overindulgence in the cell phone at home during my last visit, that Papa
already became suspicious of me. Every time I received a call from him, I
had developed a sort of a fear; fear of what, I couldn’t say. I hoped the call
would last for no more than two minutes as usual. I answered the call.
“So! How are you?” Papa asked, as always, in his usual plain,
emotionless voice.
“I’m fine, and what about you?” I gave the same reply, in same
manner as always.
“Yaa! Everything is fine here. What about your studies?” he enquired.
“It’s up to the mark. We soon have our semesters.” I tried to deflect

the conversation.
“And what about the results?” He came to the point.
“It’s not out yet. Will take few more days,” I murmured. Since the day
I had returned from home there was observable change in their behavior.
They had been more cautious about my studies,
PANKAJ MITTAL 121
and I had been receiving regular advises and suggestions on concentrating

on my studies.
“Hmm, focus on your studies… and don’t divert your mind on to
other things,” he advised like a cautious, caring father.
“Yes! Papa I am studying hard,” I lied. I had no memory of my last
encounter with the books. I felt was relieved that the conversation was
coming to an end. These were his routine questions, which, when answered
properly would conclude the conversation.
“Who was the girl with you?”

“What girl?”
“The one you were roaming around with, hand in hand.”
I barely could speak hearing this. I could barely believe what Papa
was saying. His words pierced through my ears. My blood ran cold and a
shudder ran through my spine. Kashika and I used to always walk around
hand in hand, whenever we were together. But it was limited only to
Bhubaneswar. We never did that in our town. I was shaken by his
statement. Moreover, his voice was not clear enough to give an indication
of his state of mind. Was this a humorous comment, or a stern warning? I
tried to act dumb. “Hand in hand? What are you talking about?”
“Don’t act smart. One of my friends saw you going around hand in
hand with a girl,” he said, stressing on the phrase “hand in hand”, while the
ire in his voice could be clearly heard. I was not sure about the main point
of the discussion; was it ‘roaming around with a girl’, or our ‘hand in
hand’ factor.
“It must be a mix-up, I don’t remember any such incidence. By the
way, when and where does he claim to have seen me?” I knew I was trying
to cover up something which was already exposed.
“Now you’ve even started lying to us..!!” he shouted. “At

least tell me who has seen us.”
“Why? Are you going to butcher him?”
“Nooo…!! I’m sure there is some misunderstanding that needs to be
cleared up right now.”
“Enough…!! It was Kashika you were going around with, right?! Now
don’t tell me it wasn’t her.”
I could feel the wrath in his voice. The blood circulation seemed to
have frozen in my legs. I couldn’t feel them. I was
panicking while I moved to and fro trying to bring strength back to my

weak legs. I was blank and enveloped in disbelief. Before his last
statement, I had formulated an escape plan based upon the benefit of doubt,
but his last lines had cleared off even the slightest possibility. He had
known everything about me and my love and there were no assumptions. It
seemed useless to argue in a matter in which the judgment had been
already passed. My throat choked. I had no idea what to say. Still I tried to
gather courage to say something, but I had no idea what to say?
The elongated pause between our talks gave him my indirect

confirmation. He continued, “We trusted you and believed in you. We
thought we could be proud of you. We thought you will add glory to our
name. Instead you brought shame. People are talking about both of you.
The whole town is spitting on our name.” He paused briefly, took a deep
breath. Then continued in a cool and composed manner after he cooled
down, “Son, we don’t live in big cities amongst broad minded people,
where most people are free thinkers. We live in a small town, where people
are closely connected with the idea of society and culture; it is not just a
way of living, it is a life for us. I know your generation. You don’t care
much about the society, but this is one truth you will face later in life. This
is the way I have lived and will live till I die; along with the society, with
my respect intact. I haven’t earned much in my entire life, but I earned
respect in abundance. You may choose to live free from these bonds but
you will ultimately crave them. This sense of bonding runs within our core
of existence for centuries. We need friends, we need family, we need
relatives, we need neighbors, and we need one another. This need is what
we call a society and a society has rules to follow. You are a grown up now
and can take your own decisions. I want you to think it through.”
For the first time in my life Papa had expressed his feelings to me,
and it was in this manner. It frustrated me yet made me sad. I was sad over
various topics. My dad’s conservative attitude, fear of losing Kashika and
the sadists who find fun in meddling with other people’s businesses. But I
had to respect my father for finally opening up, speaking his heart and
making me choose for my own.
“Give me some time papa,” I gained the courage to speak.
PANKAJ MITTAL 123
“Fine, but keep in mind what I said. Now talk to your mother,” he
said.
It was true I had hurt him. I knew he had been working very hard to
manage my studies, study loan and its installments. A major part of their
expenses went into my studies. I felt no less than an ungrateful son to my
parents.
“Hello?” He had passed the cell phone to Mummy; I could hear her
trembling voice.
“Hello, maa?” My voice almost trembled, as I could recognize from
the jerky breaths that it was my mother on the other side. It was certain she
also knew all about Kashika. I had finally done what she had advised me
not to do.
There was no response from the other side; I knew she was crying.
“Hello Mummy. Listen to me once,” I again repeated. “Is

there anything else?”
“Please, Mummy.”
“We’ve already heard enough, so please no more.”
Even after 20 minutes, I was still trying to convince my mother. Time
to time her sobs used to burst out. She kept on repeating one line, “How
could you do this to us? We trusted you.”
My usual answer to this regular question was, “I haven’t done
anything Mummy.”
I also felt guilty for making such a loving mother cry. Even after her
strong advice and warnings, I had done something unholy. But I never
knew that this will hurt her to this extent. Maybe it was because she felt
cheated. Cheated by her only son whom she raised with utmost love and
care.
Finally the call was disconnected.
I wiped the tear which was on the verge of trickling down. I knew
today’s words would not allow me to sleep. Papa’s words were still
resonating within me; his long talk about society, culture and customs. But
there was nothing which could have convinced me that loving someone
was such a grave mistake, that I had to regret it. From my childhood my
parents had taught me to love others, but now when I was in love, they
were against it? They always said they wanted to see us happy and nothing
was important than our happiness for them. Today they were against it.
I truly loved them, always obeyed them and accepted their every
decision with full faith and trust. Why were they not ready to listen to me,
now, when I wanted to speak? Why was I evicted from my own world?
Today, I was asked to choose between someone I could have never

left, and someone I never wanted to leave.
I went downstairs to my room still thinking if I had committed a blunder
by loving Kashika? But my heart said, “Of course not.” The whole night
passed thinking about all the attachments since birth. Why the parents put
their children in such position? Why was I asked to make a preposterous
choice? In any case, losing even one of them – my parents or Kashika –
was death to
me.
And I wanted to live.
What’s the big deal if you love someone?
And if it is, why do they teach us about Love in our childhood?
PANKAJ MITTAL 125
Fourteen
“Money moulds not our future, but surely my weekend.”

I re-inserted the ATM card to confirm my account balance. After all,
it’s just a machine. Machines can make mistakes too. I entered the code
and pressed the “Balance Enquiry” to check my balance. This was a usual
routine I loved to follow on the first of every month. Obviously it gives a
lot of pleasure to see your account reloaded. Once the amount is there, it
gives you enough freedom to enjoy parties, watch the first show of every
new movie released, and the freedom to hang out with your girlfriend
showering her with gifts to make her realize how much you love her.
The excitement of checking the monthly balance had lowered by now.

My father’s speech was still juggling around in my mind, causing me
excruciating mental anguish even though I had told him about my decision
a week ago. Since then I tried calling their number, but failed to receive
any response. I was sure they would talk to me once the anger gets
evaporated, but my mind silently whispered, “What if they don’t?” and the
question was enough to mark an end to all my exuberance.
Lost in my thoughts, I failed to realize the people in the queue

awaiting their turn outside the ATM were cursing me for taking so long.
When a guy behind me prompted, “Ho gaya?” (Are you through?), I came
back to my senses and took the receipt. I moved out of the ATM avoiding
eye contact with people who were giving me dirty looks. After successfully
moving past a long queue, I matched the balance statements from my other
two tries. There was no difference at all. My pocket money had shrunk
considerably.
A straight deduction of 3000 bucks marked a great bang-up. I was already

struggling to manage my social, personal and educational life with my
limited finances, and now this thing.
I was dismayed by the fact that this had actually happened. The matter
with my parents was not as casual as I had thought. Even if I had finagled
around, still trying to get through an entire month with such a meager
pocket money was an unmanageable task.
I had no other option but to give a break to all my expenses, parties,

movies and those things which kept me happy. Still, I was sure that if my
love for Kashika was true, my parents would understand, and one day I
would achieve both of them. Some day all of us would be sitting together
making fun of things which were presently troubling us. I had the courage
to face it, and the trust in my love further boosted my determination to
achieve anything, especially my Kashika.
I swaggered on my way to the hostel determined not to give up, but

still thoughts were meandering around. Something told me this was just the
beginning, and the worst was yet to come.
***
“They can never understand what we want.” I threw the ATM card across
the room, feeling depressed not knowing what to do. The card went and
directly hit Sahil. “Uff…. These foreign sluts, they are just fabulous in
bed,” he said, ignoring the card which had struck him. From his sexually
flushed face, it was clear that he was watching a porn, the only work he
loved to do when he was free; free from chatting with his girlfriend either
on phone or internet.
I had known sharing troubles reduced tensions, so I looked at Raj,

hoping to find an active listener to my problems.
“Raj… yesterday…” But before I could utter some more words, Sahil
cut me in, unintentionally.
“Oooo Raj, watch this, watch this, Raj… this is one of the best
postures I have ever seen,” Raj jumped off his bed and joined him within a
flash. They ignored my words. Sometimes their “let-the-world-go-to-hell”
sort of behavior bothered me, and today it affected me the most. Everyone
had something or the other to do,
PANKAJ MITTAL 127
except me, who was wandering without reason, aimlessly, without anyone
to talk to. Loneliness had started killing me. I turned around to leave the
room and head towards the terrace, hoping maybe a cool fresh breeze
would do some magic. I had almost approached the door when Raj called
me, “Hey, Avi, where are you going?”
I don’t know why, but the words rather irritated me. Instead of giving
a straight forward reply, I said, “To fuck the foreign sluts you are
watching.
Wanna come?” They looked confused, but next moment they burst out
laughing.
Ignoring them I moved out of the room, towards the terrace. The cool
breeze relaxed me the very moment I stepped out on the terrace. The
weather was refreshing as a newly bloomed rose, the sky offered immense
calmness, and the moon showered down gentle rays which made the
evening more beautiful.
I wished I could have rested my head on Kashika’s lap, her slender
fingers running through my hair, relieving me from all the worries of the
world. I dialed her number. “Ummmwaaaaah… I love you Kashika,” I said
as soon as the phone was picked up.
“Achaa! Seems you are very happy today,” she replied.
Well she definitely misjudged me, not her mistake. You can’t figure
out on the phone itself how the other person is feeling. I was feeling lonely
and stranded.
“Tomorrow is a holiday, I want to spend the day with you, Please
don’t deny,” I said. Every time I met her, I felt more confident about my
decision of being with her forever. The strength to face the world flew right
into me whenever I held her hand in mine. I had not informed her about our
affair being discovered at home, since it would unnecessarily trouble her
childish mind.
“Actually I was planning to go shopping tomorrow,” she said softly,
after taking a long ten seconds.
“I just want to be with you, it does not matter where we go.” “I
understand, but I can’t go with you. The girls have decided
for an ‘all-girls-outing’.”
Fed up of getting a negative reply time and again, I turned ireful. She
was my necessity, I wanted her. Whenever I heard a ‘no’, it made me feel
like a fool. Although at this point of time I needed her most, I decided to
give her some space, which she had asked me once before. Instead of
getting angry, I tried to empathize
with her. “Okay Kashika! Hang out with your friends… but at least come
out for half an hour… I need to discuss something important with you.”
“Actually…. they will feel bad if I leave them.”

On one side was my strong commitment to Kashika, while on the
other was the feeling of being taken for granted. I was careful not to say
anything I would regret later, but could not resist anymore. “And what
about my feelings, Kashu?” I said to her, trying to figure out where I
actually stood in her life.
“Why don’t you try to understand…” but before she could complete
the sentence, her last few words – “why don’t you try to understand” got
the best of my nerves.
“Why the hell should I understand? Everyone is concerned about
themselves. Everyone is worried about what they want for themselves…
no one cares for my feelings. I did everything for you… but you don’t even
care what is going on with me.”
Instead of getting sympathy from her, I was startled to hear a sharp
reply. “As if I haven’t done anything for you… I came to Bhubaneswar to
be with you.”
“But you are never with me..!!!” I replied, which I hoped would make
her mull over it.
“I don’t want to say anything,” she said finally, when she had figured
out the truth behind my statement.
“You have changed a lot.” “I
haven’t.”
“Oh Yes..!! Sorry, you are right you haven’t. In fact, I have changed a
lot. I have stopped caring for myself for you. I don’t spend anything on
myself because of you, so that I can adjust well with my finances when you
are with me; just to see that smile on your face.”
“You have finally spoken your heart; that everything wrong that is
happening is because of me,” she turned out into a vehement cry.
I realized how wrong I was in my last reply. I knew I did not mean
what I had said. All I wanted to convey, “I don’t spend anything on myself
just for your sake, so that I can adjust well within my finances to see you
happy and satisfied.”
But obviously “for you” and “because of you” are way different. My
choice of words was wrong which was unintentional, but she
PANKAJ MITTAL 129
was hurt. Obviously she had the right to be. I really had no idea what I was
blurting out, maybe it was the effect of all the problems which had piled up
and I was now being crushed under it. “I never meant to say that,” I said to
her. I haven’t cooled down, but have realized my mistake.
“I don’t want to talk to you. Love you, bye,” and she disconnected the
phone as her voice cracked.
I decided not call her back, instead switched off my cell. I was furious
and frustrated. The winds were no longer soothing or healing. The weather
had turned violent, and the silence in the sky was replaced by the thunders
and clashing of clouds. It clearly represented the storm brewing inside my
heart. I stood there for another half an hour facing the strong winds, asking
them to carry me away to some place where I could find peace. Even the
winds seemed to have ignored my request, like Kashika.
At a very difficult moment in my life I had turned to Kashika for a

supporting shoulder, but in vain. That night I never slept.
***
I looked at her and passed a somewhat cracked smile, unsure of her

reaction. She gave me a contemptuous look. She looked fiery. Girls look
more beautiful when they are angry. I tried to look at her from all aspects,
but could not find any hint of charm in her face. Almost every other time
we met, we were involved in a skirmish. But this time it was different. I
had no idea how to start the conversation. I wondered if “I love you” would
play its magic. I approached her as she stood outside the hostel gate with
three other girls. Seeing me coming she moved away from them. I took her
hand as soon as I reached next to her and said in the most romantic way, “I
lo…”, but before I could complete, she stopped me in the most furious way
imaginable.
“Just shut up and listen. Today after coming back, I’ll calculate every
single penny you have spent on me, and return it to you,” she shouted, as
she clutched my hand.
She was really hurt by what I had spoken. I knew I had made a
mistake, though unintentional and now I stood in front of her, as her
culprit, ready to accept any punishment she imposed upon me.
“I’m really sorry, Kashu. I seriously did not mean to say that. Let me
explain,” I apologized, looking for a chance to clarify myself.
I felt as if I was the most miserable person on the planet to have
broken her heart.
“I don’t need any clarifications,” she said and when she realized that
she was still holding my hand, left it with a jerk.
I cursed that night – the one when I said those things to my Kashu. It
was just out of my unstable mental state I had blurted out those things. I
tried to make her understand, by all possible means I could, but she was
stubborn as usual. Finally, when I knew that under no circumstances would
she understand my situation; I decided to tell her the facts I was hiding for
her own benefit.
Finally I told her everything. “And you know my parents are not
receiving my calls for the last two days.” My emotions had overflowed by
now. I turned around to hide my tears from her.
“Please Avigya, I was hurt. I thought I was the cause of all your
troubles.”
“I did not mean to say that.” I broke down and cried like a child.
“Can I live without talking to my Avi?” she said, wiping my tears

away.
But I wasn’t able to calm down, there was more to come. “Everyone
just stopped talking to me. My parents have stopped talking to me. Even
you don’t talk to me. I know one day you will leave me and go away.
Everyone, will go away from my life. I don’t need anyone in my life.”
“Please don’t say that, Avi,” she said.

“Yes, I will. I know it. One day you will also leave me and go away.”
I said this to her especially when the very thought of her leaving me was
the most dreadful thing I could have ever imagined.
“I promise, Avi, to be with you till the very end, whatever happens,”
she promised. I could not see her clearly since my eyes were flooded; but I
knew her eyes were moist too.
“Never leave me, Kashika. I can’t live without you,” I said, struggling
hard to utter the words, for my nose had clogged and my throat seemed to
choke due to continuous weeping.
She took me in her arms, looked into my eyes, wiped my tears again
and said, “I’m not going anywhere Avigya, I’ll be always here next to
you.”
PANKAJ MITTAL 131
I looked her in the eyes. They reflected the deepest love. I could not
control myself. I hugged her tightly. I felt a sense of relief flowing through
Kashika into me. She too held me tightly, and spoke softly in my ear, “I’m
sorry Avi. I would have spent more time with you. But as you know….”
“I know… you girls are going out together. I won’t take more of your
time, Kashu.”
“I feel as if I’m taking you for granted, I don’t want to. Will you love
me always as much as you do now?”
“Till the very end,” as soon as I said this, I felt a few drops of tears on
my forehead. The God above could not control their emotions and their
tears fell from the skies in form of a heavy downpour. I took Kashika to a
garden nearby; trying to take cover under a tree. The rain was so heavy,
that we couldn’t escape it. Rather we were not intending to. She hugged me
once again and before I could say anything, she put her finger on my lips
and closed my eyelids.
I pulled her towards me, looking at her through my almost closed

eyes. Her eyes were completely closed. We were totally wet. I had only
seen such scenes in movies, and wonder how romantic it would feel. She
caressed my face. I felt something swirling inside me. Soon I was lost. She
kissed my forehead, I kissed her eyes. Then she kissed my cheek, I kissed
her ears. She kissed me on my lips, I kissed her on her neck. As the
downpour continued, our wet lips came in contact. Next moment they were
locked together, unknowingly, unintentionally. We had kissed each other
many times before, but it had never felt the same as it did this time. The
rain must have added some magical, unseen, untold magnificence. Our kiss
for the first time in the rain made us realize how much we meant to each
other.
I finally felt secure in Kashika’s arms. I knew only she could have
done this, given me this sense of togetherness. The kiss continued and I
wished it would have been forever if it wasn’t for the rain that
stopped.”Love you, Kashu.” I said, before I left her, back at the hostel
entrance. She was there with me for the whole day, lying in my arms in the
garden, under the same tree.
Fifteen
All that family rigmarole, I knew, was meaningless and would lead to
nothing. I knew Amlesh, my elder cousin brother, immensely loved
Anshika, his girlfriend and would marry her no matter what. His family
was unnecessarily putting hurdles in his way and was of no use. It would
further complicate things.
Everyone was at the dining table at home – Mummy, Papa, Uncle,
Aunty, Amlesh and yes, even me. We had had our lunch and a serious talk
was going on. I was at home for my holidays, although no one was talking
to me; and when they did, it was a pricking comment about Kashika.
Anyways, I had decided to remain silent since there was no point arguing
it. I was like a puppet in their hands.
Anshika belonged to the same caste as ours; she was beautiful and
came from a respectable family. She had all the inherent qualities to be a
good daughter-in-law, and a perfect wife. Even my uncle and aunt could
not have found a better match for Amlesh had they searched day and night
for a thousand years i.e. if they were immortals. Still they were against it.
“Why” was a question they themselves had no satisfactory answer for – for
them, “No” means “No.”
“I love her, and I will marry her,” -Amlesh finally declared. “That
would never happen,” Uncle responded in a stern
manner.
“But why? What’s the problem if I marry her?” Amlesh had calmed
down, and tried to understand their point of view.
PANKAJ MITTAL 133
While Uncle and Amlesh were busy, Aunty wept throughout the
argument, leaning on my mother’s shoulder. She was devastated over the
fact that- “his son didn’t ask for her choice.” She kept repeating in the
middle, “This is why we gave birth to you? We sacrificed everything for
you. This is how you repay us?” but Amlesh was already at war with three
different fronts- his father, my father and my mother. He thought it was
better to skip this front. So getting no reply from her son, she used to burst
out crying again, and wiping her tears from my mother’s saree.
“What else can we do? Now-a-days, these kids don’t belong to us.
They do things they want to. It’s pointless to shed tears for them,” said my
mother, trying to console Aunty. I stared at her and wondered how could
she joke at this point of time. Even aunty looked at her with an open
mouth, amazed. A lady, who would cry at anything, was advising not to
shed tears. Now that’s ironic.
Uncle and Amlesh gave a casual glance to my mom and aunt, then
went back to their argument, ignoring them. My aunt was back to her
crying. My mummy decided to keep quiet for her own good.
“We will find much better girls than her,” uncle proclaimed as if he
had the majority stock in a matrimonial firm.
“I don’t want anyone else better than her. I want her, and that’s
decided,” Amlesh said when he found the conversation moving ahead to
useless topics.
“Well…,” My father spoke and shot a dagger through the corner of his
eyes as he looked at me, “to be precisely clear, you can’t. It never
happened in the family and never will.” I knew what it meant. I ignored
him and picked up a newspaper lying under the table next to me. I wasn’t
concerned about the date or the headlines. It was my attempt to divert his
attention and I was successful. I knew I had no business there, but I did not
want to leave the place. I concentrated on each and every word they spoke.
My heartbeat increased whenever their discussion turned violent. But most
of the time I could hear only lame excuses from them, lacking justification
to their reasons. It seemed they were deriving utmost pleasure in
tormenting Amlesh by their pointless no’s. I knew how Amlesh felt from
these no’s since I’ve been through a lot of them recently.
“And listen to my decision, I won’t ever accept her as my daughter-in-

law.” Uncle finally passed his verdict. His face had turned red by now.
“Yes I know. But please tell me why, Papa?” Amlesh said, trying to reason
with his father.
“How pathetic, ardent and helpless he is,” I thought. I wished I could
have said something, since I was the only supporter.
A silence followed, as they were unable to come out with any
shortcomings in Anshika. It was a matter of ego, their age-old concept and
fear of society. After two minutes of silence, Uncle finally said, “You are
not prepared for any of this, that’s all I have to say. We are not discussing
anything more on this topic. Your studies are on, finish with them. Then
we’ll discuss this.”
I had refrained myself from expressing anything, but the verbal
locking mechanism failed and threw out, “So, let him marry after his
studies gets over.”
All eyes shifted on to me. I did not tremble, but also kept quite out of
fear. I realized how foolish I was.
I was almost pale out of fear. I quickly turned towards the bedroom,
with my eyes focused on the marble floor.
For a few seconds I never realized what had actually happened. I felt
numbness in my left cheek. I had almost escaped; but right at the moment
when I assumed I had crossed the edge of the dining table, someone
slapped me. It was so hard it made me go out of my senses. It was my
mother. I remembered, since the day I had crossed my mid-teens, she
raised her hand only to adore me.
I felt dejected, seeing her changing attitude towards me. I was fuming
with anger. “How dare you say that? Are you planning the same for us
tomorrow?” She blurted out. I could see the wrath in her eyes, and the
motherly love missing. I could have never dreamt to argue or speak to my
parents, but I did, “No, I’m not planning to. But I will do it, if I know it is
good for all of us. Even if you are against me, I will do it,” I hollered at
her, not because she slapped me but because she slapped me out of
ignorance and pure stupidity.
“If you are planning on any such thing, then we will believe you are
dead for us,” Mummy said.
I did not want to argue. I knew it would only aggravate the situation,
rather than reaching a definite conclusion. Amlesh looked relieved because
the attention was diverted towards me.
PANKAJ MITTAL 135
I moved out of the dining room and straight to my bedroom. Amlesh

followed and hugged me. “Thanks Bro..!!!” He said before exiting the
house. I drank a glass full of water and sat silently in the room. Today her
slap had confirmed, how badly she had been hurt. I sat on my bed, felt
wasted; trapped between love of my mother, and love of my life. My
mother had loved me since birth, while Kashika had promised to do the
same till I die.
“Jab samay kharab ho toh unth pe baithe baune aadmi ko bhi kutta
kat leta hai.” Meaning, when the time is bad, a dog can even bite a dwarf
sitting over a camel’s hump.
I was sure I could have never lived without my family, and I could not
spend rest of my life without Kashika too. Under no circumstance I could
have sacrificed any of them. They were like a pair of legs for me; loosing
even one of them would mean struggling through the walk of life.
Sixteen
The box was covered beautifully with red velvet. I slowly opened it,
delaying the surprise for her.
“Wow! Dude, it’s beautiful,” Vaishali exclaimed with shining
glittering eyes, when the contents of the box revealed what was inside. She
delicately lifted the ring to inspect it closely.
“Something special for someone special,” I said with a smile. I was
thinking of the sparkling eyes and the curve of the Kashika’s lips when I
finally present her the ring upon her return back home. I had returned back
home, while she was still in Bhubaneswar. Although we were supposed to
come back home together, her father’s sudden business trip to
Bhubaneswar ended all our excitement.
I had especially ordered the ring for Kashika after spending a couple
of hours on its selection. A ring is the epitome of romance and the most
romantic gift you can give to someone you love. Moreover, I’ve heard,
girls go crazy for jewelry and it got confirmed from Vaishali’s reaction.
She had caught me red handed at the jewelry shop and forced me to show
her the ring. I never felt offended since I was indebted to her.
It would be 5th of May shortly after ten minutes. Obviously the date
came every year since I was born, but this year it was something different.
This was the day that marked the beginning of our loving relationship. I
had planned to make this day special and memorable.
The inbox of my cell phone was already stacked up with birthday and
anniversary wishes. That’s the way it is nowadays.
PANKAJ MITTAL 137
Unluckily, this special day, which she should have spent with me, she
was elsewhere.
While in the train alone, I looked through the window. Everything was
so beautiful. The cool breeze had a hint of fragrance of the wet village mud
after receiving its first rain of the year.
I was imagining of ways to present her the ring. I would ask her to
close her eyes and wait for me to unwrap the surprise. I knew my little
sweet devil would not listen to me and would try to peer through her
almost closed eyes. But I would not yield her, “If you want the present, you
have to close your eyes completely, and no cheating.”
“Okay, okay, I won’t look. I Promise.

Achaa?!!!”
When I’m sure that her eyes are closed, I would slowly pull the ring
out of my pocket and I would bend on my knees. By now she would have
grown impatient and will ask me, “Shall I open my eyes? I’m opening
them now,” and would try to open her eyes.
“No, just another minute.” I would stop her. She will feel a bit
irritated and might stomp her feet like a child.
I would then hold her tender hands and slip the ring onto her finger. I
would then say, “I love you, Kashu. I need you forever?” She would
definitely be carried away by my love. Her eyes will be wet, out of tears of
happiness and joy. I would wipe her tears
and kiss her on the forehead. And when she will hug me tightly, I would
softly whisper, “It was always you… So?”
She would look into my eyes, still in my arms, slowly nod her head
and say, “Yes, forever and always.”
We would remain in each other’s arms feeling the warmth of our
eternal love.
I was thrown out of my fantasy world by a speeding superfast train
honking its blaring horn at nothing but a straight stretch of empty railway
line. I had felt as if everything happened before my eyes. I severely missed
her presence. I checked my phone. It was five minutes past our anniversary
day.
I was about to push the green button and call her up, but she never
gave me that chance. Her name flashed on my mobile screen-”Kashu
calling”. I received the call, and without giving her a chance to say a word,
I said, “Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart, ummmwaaaah.”
“Love you too, dear,” she said, her voice lacking in enthusiasm and
zeal. I felt as if she was wishing me half heartedly; something still
incomplete.
“Hey Kashu? Aren’t you happy with our relationship?” I asked her,
seeking an explanation for the missing gap in our conversation. “You mad
or what? I’ve been very tired wandering around all day with dad. How do
such things creep in to your mind?” she replied, acting mature, though she
wasn’t.
“I don’t want to lose you.” I said in a plain emotionless tone, as if I
was speaking for the sake of it. I knew she was bore of hearing these words
over and over again.
“I am not going anywhere.” She answered back in the same way I had
spoken.
“Okay then, give me a kiss,” I said, teasingly.
“Ummmwaaah.”
“Another one,” I demanded, steering towards a romantic conversation.
“I just gave it,” she protested.

“That was the left cheek, what about the one on right?” Without
further hesitation she again planted a kiss for my
right cheek.
“You forgot the lips.”
“Will give that in real.” She immediately replied without even taking a
pause to think.
“Achaa?!!!” was the only thing I could say; even she was desperately
missing the smooch.
“Okay, listen carefully now.”
“Yes, please.” I acted as if I was a very serious listener.
“I have shifted to a hostel in CRPF area. There’s a boy’s hostel next to
ours. I’ll text you the address tomorrow morning. Get that booked as soon
as possible,” she said in a single breath.
“Okay M’am. Yes M’am. It will be done as per your wish.” I teased
her.
“Shut up. Okay I have to go, Dad’s coming. Bye, Love you,” She
disconnected the call, and I was left alone with my fantasy
world. I could sense our problems coming to an end. If we were nearby, it
would mean we could spend more time together and her most loving,
caring, credible Aunt wouldn’t bother me anymore. Perhaps, even Arvind,
if I was lucky enough.
PANKAJ MITTAL 139
Seventeen
6th May, 11.00 A.M.!

House No.24
Plot no.34
A/16, CRPF Square
In front of Iskon Temple
Nayapalli, Bhubaneswar -18
The address of my new hostel arrived with a warning at the end, “Book it
fast or it will be gone soon.” It was followed with her call, “Hello. Just
Listen,” she started without even giving me a chance to greet her. She
sounded tensed.
“Yaa, tell me.”
“My laptop seems to have frozen. I can’t do anything.” “Just
bang it hard on the floor and it will work.” “Better if I bang it
up on your head?”
“Not a BAD idea” I said.
“I’ll definitely listen to your crap but not now. Just tell me what to do.
The shutdown button seems useless and the mouse pointer has completely
vanished.”
“It happens when a lot of programs are made to run simultaneously or
maybe due to some change in the hardware,” I began to explain in detail.
This was my area of expertise and I enjoyed talking about it.
“Cut the crap and tell me what to do. I can’t handle these techy
jargons.” Her voice had already reached the brink, a little more teasing, and
it would spill over.
“Fine, fine. Press the power button for thirty or forty seconds, and it
will turn off,” I replied without giving any further technical description.
“Wow it worked…!!! You are such a sweetheart.” She got excited,

seeing the end of her troubles.
“And you are such an idiot.”
“How mean.”
“I love you.”
“Don’t forget you are at home.”
“Big deal! They know everything about you.”
“Love you, too. Bye. Mom’s here.”
“Hello? Hel….” but useless, the call was disconnected.
I sometimes felt like cursing my to-be-mother-in-law for stealing
Kashika’s freedom. I hoped she wouldn’t continue this even after our
marriage.
***
6th May, 11.00 P.M.!
“Don’t ruin my life, leave me, forget me.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Was I actually reading a message from
her?
I double checked the number. It was from her. I checked the number
repeatedly again and again. It was unbelievable. Those words couldn’t
have come from her sweet mind?!!! This morning we had planned to shift
our hostels and now this message?!!! What was I supposed to make of all
this?
I messaged back. “What’s the matter dear, why are you saying all
this?”
Soon came her reply, which felt like a full blown punch right on my
face, “Stop messing up my life, don’t even dare to text me again, just
forget me.”
I checked the calendar. It wasn’t 1st April. Even if it was the 1st of
April, she wouldn’t have come out with such a devastating joke. Or was
she drunk? By any chance?!! . Or maybe, her parents had finally spoken to
her about our affair. Yes, may be this was the reason. Still confused, I
immediately called her to clarify any doubts.
PANKAJ MITTAL 141
Damned! The call was disconnected even before the first ring could
complete. Her message followed immediately, “I don’t want to have any
relationship with you, just forget we ever met.”
Her message was too unreal, but what if she meant it? The slightest
thought that she was serious, was enough to instill fear in my mind. By
now, my hands have started shivering as I typed the following message,
“It’s enough Kashu… Just stop it!”
“She’s just kidding….. she’s just kidding.” I repeatedly thought in
order to make myself believe.
“That’s right.. Just stop it..!!! Go away from my life forever.” I stood
stunned after reading her message.
I was playing a game on my cell phone when I got the message. I
immediately left the game in the middle of it. The matter was serious; I
started having weird thoughts. The only way I knew could work and
extract the truth out of her, was to ask her to swear on me.
“Okay, Kashu swear on me and say that you don’t love me,” and as
soon as the message flashed
: Delivered to Kashika:
Scary thoughts entered my mind – this is how it was supposed to end?
Her passionate face, her beautiful eyes, her intoxicating smile, all flashed
right in front of me. My eyes remained fixed on the screen, waiting for the
message. Every passing second increased my anxiety. She had never lied to
me whenever I made her swear on me. Maybe this was just a stupid joke,
or maybe her way of taking revenge for all the fun I had made of her
during our relationship. Still the heart silently prayed, “Oh God, whatever
it is, please don’t let this be the end of us.” I was expecting the next
message to go somewhat like, “I was kidding dear. How could I ever leave
you alone?” but a weird sound distracted me. The screen displayed:
GAME OVER
I immediately turned off the game. Stupid text from the game had
added unwanted complications to my rattled mind. I felt a shiver through
my nerves.
Mind: “Was it a prediction of any sort?”
Heart: “It was just a stupid game.”
Mind: “Did her words make any sense I overlooked?”
Heart: “Definitely not..!! You are the one with logics. Figure out
yourself.”
Mind: “Does she really want a break up?”
Heart: “NO.”
Mind: “If YES, then why would she?”
Her words were clear enough to show her agitation. Though arriving
to sudden conclusions from her were expected, but sudden outbursts of
anger were not in her nature. She would not come to a sudden conclusion
as far as our relationship was concerned. This was not a shopping spree or
class assignment. Something somewhere had gone wrong. But what? I
wished I knew.
I dialed her number, but useless. It was switched off. I read her
messages. I read them again and again, sentence by sentence, word by
word, letter by letter. Every character in her messages drilled a hole
through my heart..
Already life without her was unimaginable, unrealistic, unexciting and
unholy for me. Tears rolled down my eyes. Every nerve had started aching.
I was yearning for her messages; to talk to her. I could see my little world
of happiness crumbling like dry autumn leaves. I was still dazed. I
struggled throughout the night and tried to find a solution. I wished I could
have got some rest so I would be clear headed next morning, but rest was
not an option especially at a drastic time like this. The night passed with
me shuffling from side to side.
PANKAJ MITTAL 143
Eighteen
The next few days.

A fish out of water can only count its last breaths, but I never knew
how painful every breath becomes with every gasp for life; until I was the
fish. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second and every breath
was becoming heavy on my worthless existence. Her memories seem to
follow me everywhere. When night came, I wished I could have stayed
awake. My dreams had become my worst enemy and her best ally. She
kept appearing in my dreams, showering her love on me, hugging me,
kissing me, laughing with me and then finally her words, “I don’t want to
see you again, leave me, forget me.” Uncertainty prevailed in my dreams
since it was still unclear if she was crying or if she was angry. I could have
got some hint. But all I could see was her back towards me, walking away
into nothingness. I was trying to stop her but she repeated these words over
and over again, completely ignoring me. I wanted to run & catch her, hug
& hold her tightly and never let her go; but I couldn’t move my feet. I
wanted to lift my foot and run to her but I was stuck. I could only watch
her, the distance between us increasing and I knew if I let her go now, I
would lose her forever and yet I could not…. MOVE…!!!!.
Everything which was fascinating earlier now seemed dull. Nothing

entertained as much as before. I was only concerned about Kashika and her
memories. The thought that she wouldn’t ever talk to me again, and the
fear of being separated from her forever, kept tormenting me again and
again as if I was being poked with
swords. I wasn’t dying but I was living an excruciatingly painful life.
Although Vaishali informed me that Kashika’s mother came to know

about our affair, and Kashika had to face quite a scene that day. But I
couldn’t find a satisfactory reason for our break up. We knew this day
would come. We had promised to face it together, rather than to
compromise with our parent’s age old concepts..
Definitely it was her mother. Indian mothers are very good at
melodrama. They can frame hundreds of lies to make their daughters
believe in baseless things, solely to prove their point. They have that
unique quality to push their daughters to the extremes of emotionality and
tears. It’s useless to talk to them because they always have a plenty of tears
to shed.
Maybe Kashika was carried away by the emotional rigmarole of her
mother, and was too mentally disturbed to decide things.
***
13th May 2010
“Bhaiya! Have you broken up?” Vaishali exclaimed on the other end of the
phone, with utmost amazement.
“NO…!!!” I replied immediately, amazed at her question, “Says
who?” I mumbled.
“Who else?!! Kashika..!! She told me yesterday. And she even told
everyone that you both have ended it.”
Every word of hers hit me like a boulder. By now my eyes couldn’t
fight against the tears anymore.
“Control yourself bhaiya… Be brave,” she consoled.
“I did everything for her. I still Goddamn love her and yet I don’t
know why we are breaking up?” I said wiping my tears.
“She does not deserve you. Sorry to say this, but I know it may further
hurt you.
She was sharing about her breakup so casually as if the relationship
was without any emotional attachment. I was feeling like as if she was
dumping her old lipstick after its use. She did not even felt a tinge, whereas
you almost lost your senses hearing this…!!”
PANKAJ MITTAL 145
I knew Vaishali would never lie to me. But what she spoke was more
painful. Kashu, my Kashu, casually came up with this decision. Was this
the end of everything?
Could she really do this?
Was just a mood and a message enough to end a relationship? “Maybe you
are mistaken. She’s in trouble. You told me about her mother, didn’t you?”
Still my heart was not ready to accept. “I did. But as told by her. Yesterday
I visited her home. She wasn’t there. I met aunty and we spoke for around
an hour. The way she spoke, I think her parents don’t have the slightest
idea about your relationship; or else aunty would have spoken to me. How
long will you close your eyes? You are just fooling yourself. She’s been
hurting you and taking you for granted all along, still
you are ignoring the facts.”

“No. I trust her and I know she’s in trouble. Once she’s out of it, she
will come back to me.”
“You’re impossible. Anyways let’s hope I’m wrong and you’re right.
Take care. Bye.”
“Yaa, Sure. Bye.” I let out a vehement cry as soon as she disconnected
the call. I felt abandoned by everyone, whom I believed were my own. I
felt dejected and dishonoured. How could Kashika use and throw me away
like a napkin? “No she can’t. She still loves me,” I was tangled up in my
own make believes.
The whole night went remembering the beautiful memories we had
created together, while the heart silently prayed with folded hands.
***
15th May 2010
Tumhare samne hain itne sample, kabhi hamein bhi pick karo Hamare
pyar ke icon pe, kabhi toh click karo
Shayad mere pyar ko taste karna bhool gaye Dil ko
aisa cut kiya, ki paste karna he bhool gaye Jo sadiyon se
hota aaya hai, woh repeat kar doongi
Agar tum naa miley toh, apni zindagi Shift Delete kar doongi
I LOVE YOU (don’t reply)
I jumped out of shock when I read the message. A tear dropped from
the eyes, this time not out of pain, but out of happiness. I knew she would
never break my trust. Everyone was wrong. Vaishali was wrong; whatever
Kashika had said she may have said in a mental trauma, but finally when
things were on her side, my true love couldn’t keep her away. I knew she
could never go away leaving me, as she knew I wouldn’t be able to survive
without her. After a period of how long, I don’t know, I smiled whole
heartedly. I was sick and tired of being tensed; finally I got some relief.
As instructed by her, I did not reply to her message, chances of my

mother-in-law leaving all her household tasks and spying on her was not
unexpected. I immediately got out of bed bearing a smile. My mother
noticed it while moving towards the kitchen but trying to ignore it. I knew
she felt contented on seeing me happy after a long period. However hard
she pretended to be, after all she was a mother, her love for me would
never end.
For the last few days everything had vanished, even the hunger, but
today I felt starved, I moved towards the kitchen to get something to eat.
Soon came her another message, “At least ek reply toh kar dete.”
Girls, as I had said, the most unpredictable creatures on earth. They

are so confused, they themselves don’t know what they actually want. But
for sure, I knew what she meant by that. I immediately messaged her back,
“I love you too, dear…You made my day...Take care :D”
19th May (Her Birthday)
“Happy Birthday, Kashika.” I called her while I was walking on road away
from home, dying to hear her voice.
“Thank you,” she replied but her voice did not sound the same.
“How are you?”

“Fine.”
“Do you love me?” I know it wasn’t the right question to asked, but I
wanted to feel contented by hearing a ‘yes’ from her. I wasn’t planning to
ask her why she had sent those horrible messages.
PANKAJ MITTAL 147
“NO..!!!” Her voice was loud and rude.

Without giving it a second thought I immediately asked her. “What
happened, dear?” Trembling at every alphabet I said. “You want to
know the fact, then listen. I don’t love you
anymore.”
I had almost collapsed upon hearing this from her.
“I don’t want to talk anymore. It’s all over. No more relationship. No
more calls or messages.”
“Please don’t say that, Kashika. I love you.”
“But I don’t. Why don’t things get through your thick head?” “If you
give me an explanation, then I suppose they will?” “I don’t need to
reason with you.”
“Was that not love between us?”
“NO, I don’t think so.”
True love never ends. The person whom we have truly loved resides in
our heart forever. It’s impossible to simply erase them. If someone can,
then for sure, it was not love; only a mere compromise or infatuation.
“What?”
“You really want to know the reason? Then listen. Do you remember
the day when you blamed me for all your miseries? Had you loved me, it
wouldn’t have escaped your mouth; no matter how angry you were.”
I hardly remembered that fight. I know she was lying, she forgave me
for what I said in the garden, under the tree while it was raining and she
had let go off her plans with her friends. That day we had exchanged the
most passionate love for one another.
“You are lying.”
“Whatever…”
“Damn! It’s not whatever. This is about our love, our life, our feelings,
our trust…” Every word came from the very core of my heart.
“It was never ‘ours’ or ‘us’ or ‘we’. It was always about ‘you’. You
used to make me count everything you’ve done for me.”
I had already forgotten those things the day it happened. I never
realized Kashika could have kept all those things deep within her heart. I
only believed the innocence on her face. Of course, I must have been an
airhead when it came to reading faces.
“Ohhh…So it such a grave mistake? Letting you know how much I love
you, even when I was angry, was such a big mistake?!! What about times
when you had left me alone to fend for myself.” “Oh really? When was
that? As far as I remember it never
happened.”
“And as far as I remember, it happened when I was
OPERATED….!!!” A careless answer from her uncovered a long forgotten
grave.
She was silent. She must have been thinking hard, looking for
excuses.
“I don’t know about when and what you are talking about?” She tried
to escape from the discussion.
“Of course you do. Vaishali had informed you about it.” My voice
was louder now.
“Maybe she did. But that’s all in the past now. No use to bring it up.”
She made no sense; she had not answered any of my questions. I was
astonished and sad at the same time to see her indifference towards me. It
was all ending right before my eyes and I was leading myself towards it.
“My love for you had ended long ago,” she continued.
It was off the limits; my anger had increased to uncontrollable level. I
was burning from rage. I wished I could have said to her in a clam,
composed manner, “But why? What have I done? I did my best to make
you happy. All that was between us couldn’t have been a lie. I know you
still love me, I know you do.” But I would have felt more like a pathetic
limp, lacking confidence and strength. Moreover, there was no holding
back. So I blurted out, “Then why were you with me, kissing me, loving
me, hugging me in the garden, on the road, inside the theatre; in the rain,
when your love had already ended? I know it was all a time pass.”
“Time pass..?!! You say you love me. Then was that love in the
theater when I stopped you from kissing me? The way you behaved
seemed more like lust.”
These words came as the biggest shock of my life. She had clearly
spoken what I could have never imagined in my worst dreams. When you
love someone and you love them whole heartedly and when your feelings
are pure for them, so pure that even in your wildest imaginations you
wouldn’t think of hurting
PANKAJ MITTAL 149
them. And when that same person describes your love as lust, even in a
joke, it really hurts…hurts badly. There is no pain comparable upon
hearing this. I knew there was no coming back when I had yelled at her,
but this was no way I had wanted to return.
“Fine, if you consider my love for lust then what should I think of the
time when you kissed me in the auto when I was in a bad mood, or the
number of times when you hugged me in front of everyone, or kissed me in
the garden. You talk about my reaction in the theatre, what about your
own. Was it someone else on top of me behaving wildly? I guess not. It
was YOU DAMNIT….!!!”
“What do you mean..?” She seemed offended now.
“You know what I mean. Then it was lust on your part too. Or rather it
was just a game to satisfy your lust.” I guess when someone casts doubt
upon your ‘Love’, this is the outcome. It doesn’t matter if it comes from
the same person you love or used to love; you wouldn’t mind hurting them
in any possible manner. This is the fury that originates when someone’s
love is disrespected. We both were hit in this cross fire.
“I don’t want to see you ever… I don’t want to talk to you ever…I
don’t want to hear from you ever. From now on don’t try to contact me.
IT’S ALL OVER NOW.” She said without feeling a hint of remorse, or
guilt. It seemed as if my last statement made her hide her shameful self. It
appeared my last statement which should have questioned her love, had
actually answered her feelings. And she wasn’t able to accept the truth.
She disconnected the call. I didn’t even called her back, so I don’t
know if she had switched off her cell.
I really needed to take care of myself. I had no idea where my life was
heading towards now. I could feel my heart throbbing, my mind ready to
blow up and blood rushing. “You have lost your love, Avigya. Kashika is no
more yours,” I could hear my thoughts. I had lost everything- family,
friends, my Love, everyone- that too without even having a definite answer
for my mistakes.
A wave had destroyed everything. Everything that concerned my
future, was wiped away.
Another night passed… blinking the eyes… rolling uncomfortably on
the bed… her memories flashing right in front of my eyes… cute face, her
glittering eyes, the naughty smile, the
way she used to call me Avi… Her achaa… her innocence… her childish
nature… and before I could smile … I cried because I had realized she was
no more mine…
You have thrown me out of your life, But can’t
throw yourself out from mine. Although you say
we will never again meet, I promise,
Your memories forever I’ll keep. With

your memories you’ll be with me,
Carry them in my Heart,
When I breathe.
Taken away by my soul,
Finally when I bleed.
PANKAJ MITTAL 151
Ninteen
It was still difficult for me to accept the truth. It was more of a daydream
than reality to believe.
The love which once was the reason to smile

The love which once had made us wait years to be together The love
which once made our day dull if we didn’t talk The love which once
marked the beginning of the day The end of the night
The love which once made us oblivious to the

call of the world
The love for which once we could not imagine our
lives without each other
Was that all an illusion
Was it not love..
Was it just a game.. Did it
mean nothing to you.. Do you
really have a heart..
How could you do this to me.. Were
our kisses the need of the hour..
Were our hugs nothing but carnal desire?
And thousands of such questions with no definite answers juggled

around the brain. I knew there was no point in calling her or texting her;
she wouldn’t accept the call. I roamed the streets in her colony expecting to
see her, but useless.
I missed her during the day, I missed her at nights and I missed her
every single moment. Life turned to hell. Eyes remained fixed on empty
spaces, reminding me of all the moments we had spent together. I wanted
to forget everything, but couldn’t. Morning passed, noon arrived, noon
passed, evening arrived, lights dimmed, weather changed, but eyes
remained fixed and unchanged.
I picked up the remote and switched on the television to divert my
mind from her painful thoughts. The movie “Kaho na Pyaar hai” was on
Star Gold. Irritated, I changed the channel to B4U which was playing a
love song. I felt disgusted and flipped to Discovery expecting something
new to discover. Instead I saw Taj Mahal, the eternal symbol of love. They
were talking about Shah Jahan and Mumtaz and how he built this
magnificent monument to immortalize his love for his beloved Queen. I
swapped again and every channel I swapped was showing the message of
love. Frustrated, I switched off the idiot box.
After spending days in darkness, I gathered courage to move out of my

room hoping to feel better. I took out the jeans I had not worn in a long
time. The jeans which had earlier refused to slip above my hips, was now
loose enough to let me easily slip my hands in and out of my pockets.
I switched on the lights, and looked into the mirror. My face had lost
its charm. I couldn’t exactly remember when I had taken the last bath, or
had a proper meal. My cheeks had sunk in, the eyes were bulged out. I
appeared exactly like a forsaken lover.
But nothing mattered. I moved out of the room. My eyes hurting from
sudden exposure to light. I moved aimlessly on the road, looking at
everyone that passed by – a cute little girl, an old man with his umbrella, a
man with his son, a vendor selling vegetables, etc. etc. My eyes finally
settled on the gift shop at a distance. My eyes had found something similar
behind the glass showcase in the shop a long time ago. It was a cute teddy
bear I had gifted her during our second meeting. It was covered with
beautiful soft white fur. In its hands was a red heart which cutely said “I
LOVE YOU” upon pressing it.
I remember very well the day I was late because of my inability to

decide the perfect gift for her. She was furious and turned her face away.
PANKAJ MITTAL 153
But she immediately turned around, surprised upon hearing that cute,
“I LOVE YOU”.
She looked cute, a cute little baby.
The teddy was in my arms. Her hands spread wide to give a tight hug
to the teddy. But before she could hug it, I moved the teddy out of the way.
She was in my arms. Our first hug. But soon she had realized what
happened. Still in my arms she had started beating me with both hands, as
she said, “You cheat..!!!” We both laughed, as she tightly hugged me.
Me and my Kashika.
Earlier, those memories used to bring a smile along, but today they
brought tears. “Avigya?!!! Is that you?”
I heard a voice from behind. I recognized the familiar soothing voice
as it gave me a feeling of calmness. I turned around. I wished I could have
smiled, but it was stolen away.
“Hey, Avi?!! What happened? What’s all this?” She said with a
surprised and worried look, “Come with me. Tell me what happened?”
Her voice had been a great source of composure for my disturbed soul
earlier. Today, she was there with me, physically present, dragging me
along with her to a nearby cafeteria. It was Mahek.
Ready to listen and ready to be with me when I needed the most.
Twenty
Back to Bhubaneswar after Summer Vacations

I had screwed my exams badly, and had no idea what would happen next.
I tried calling her a number of times after returning to Bhubaneswar.

But her friend informed me that she was going around saying that I was
pestering her by repeatedly calling her...
A few days ago, she was dying to talk to me, we madly exchanged
messages and now my calls were pestering her?!!! Finally, after a long
wait, she stood right in front of me. She was busy chatting with a guy I
already knew. Raj had informed me about Kashika being present in Pal
Heights shopping mall. She was there with Arvind.
I had waited for the day when I would be able to see her again. She had the
same cute baby face… the same glitter in her eyes… the same happiness
and the same charm in her smile. I stood there watching her, forgetting she
had already broken up with me. Despite of what had already happened I
wanted to put my last hopes on this meeting. Even if there was a slightest
chance
that would bring us together, I had decided to go for it.
I stepped towards her. She must have seen me because she turned the
other way. The expression on her face made me feel disgusting. And then
Arvind looked at me. He slipped his hand around her waist and they began
to leave the mall. I admit, I was all fired up inside, I could feel burning. But
I tried to control my rage. This was my last chance.
PANKAJ MITTAL 155
They had already exited the mall when I finally came face to face with
Kashika. My eyes were swollen red, as they were holding back the tears
which were ready to break through the gates. “Why are you doing this to
me, Kashika?” and I burst out crying.
“Why stalking me? I told you to leave me alone.”
“Please don’t say this dear… I love you.” I felt weak and
incapacitated, but to my amazement I could not find a small hint of
remorse, guilt or pain in her eyes. Those warm and loving eyes appeared so
cold; it was hard to believe it was the same Kashika. I had been struggling,
crying all day, anxiously waiting for her to give another chance to our
relationship; while she appeared as if I was nothing to her.
“Mind your words…!!” she yelled at me.

I looked her in the eyes… there was nothing.
Someone pushed me. It was Arvind, “Get lost..!! If you trouble her
again, I swear I’ll kill you.” People had started to gather around; I could
see the guards and the general public. For them it was nothing but a form
of entertainment. Some of them assumed I was eve teasing.
But I wasn’t bothered about Arvind or others. I was there for Kashika.
“ You can’t just say it’s over and walk away. At least give me an
explanation?” I pleaded.
“I’ll give him an explanation,” Arvind looked at Kashika, his body
language suggested he was about to beat the living daylights out of me.
“Really..!! Then explain it to us, Asshole…!!!” It was a familiar voice

that was totally unexpected. It was Vinod Bhai, from the dhaba now turned
into a restaurant. Along with him were Raj and Sahil and few other guys I
never knew. I don’t know when they got there but I was contented to see
them. I could talk to Kashika now without Arvind bothering me.
They signaled Arvind and asked him to come aside. Arvind had
known Vinod Bhai, since he used to come to his dhaba and wait for his girl
friend. His face had turned pale when he saw Vinod Bhai and others. As
they walked away, they dispersed the crowd, “What are you cretins looking
at? Is there a striptease going on? GET LOST..!!”
As the others walked away, a guard spoke, “We thought he was

harassing the girl.”
“Actually it’s the other way round. They were lovers,” Raj answered
back.
“Then who’s he?” the guard pointed at Arvind.
“The villain.” Vinod Bhai said with a smile on his face as he patted
Arvind on his head.
“Interesting, these days heroes roam around with the goons..!!!”
the guard said as he walked away.
“What’s all this?!! I don’t want a scene here!!” Kashika said rudely.
“Kashika. Please, let’s sit down and talk.” I took her hand. She jerked my
hand away, and shouted, “NO..!!! Just go away…!!” I felt abused, insulted
and cheated. Not every relationship is a success, but there is a decent and
acceptable way to end it. Still my blind love for her made me numb to the
people around including my friends. I swallowed every piece of insult,
expecting her to change her mind. Knowing her the possibility was only
.00001% but it was the only chance I could bet upon. “Please Kashika.
Two
minutes. That’s all I need.”
After great pleading, she came and sat with me on the bench around. I
was praying desperately to God. “I’m really sorry dear… If I have ever
hurt you… please Kashu don’t leave me like this… I can’t live without
you.” I really felt incomplete without her. The last few days had made me
realize that.
“I don’t want to discuss it anymore,” she said. “If I have done
anything, then punish me, fight with me… I’ll accept it, but please, please,
pleaseeeee..!! Don’t simply leave me, because you want to.”
“I’m leaving you because I don’t deserve you. Especially after all that
you said to me on the phone. And look today, you brought these guys
along, and what are you planning next? Kidnapping me?,” she said
carrying the coldness in her voice.
“No..Kashu!!! I came here, alone, to talk to you. I swear on my mom.
I have no idea about them.”
“Whatever…!!” She looked away from me. She knew I couldn’t have
sworn upon my mother falsely. “It’s not ‘whatever’ Kashu..!! I’m here to
talk to you. I want us to be together. I know there’s a little
misunderstanding and we can clear that out.”
PANKAJ MITTAL 157
“I’m leaving. I’m getting late.” She stood up but I caught her hand.
“Please Kashu, I’ve been dying to talk to you.”

“Well your two minutes are up.” She flung my hand away. “Please
Kashika, don’t go away Kashika… Kashika… Don’t do
this to me Kashika… Kashikaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” I kept shouting and
screaming asking her to stop but she never looked back.
I sat there watching my love, my life, my hopes, my dreams all
moving away, far away, forever and ever. She never stopped. Never looked
back for the sake of old times. It was exactly like Vaishali had said earlier;
she had discarded away a used napkin into the dustbin. She was gone.
Gone without hearing or giving a clear explanation.
I was again left to fend for myself. Expecting to talk to her some other
day, when she had cooled down, her thoughts clearer and more decisive.
Right when she had left, Arvind followed her. Vinod Bhai, Raj and Sahil
had let him free.
Twenty One
15 days later
Truth is hard to say, yet harder to accept.
I was still going through the most difficult phase of my life; coming
out of a breakup. It was difficult for me to accept the truth that Kashika had
simply walked away from my life. I was lost in my own world, I was like a
walking dead fulfilling my obligations in life. My chit chats have reduced
or more like ended. There was a profound period of silence that followed
after my last meet with Kashika. Raj and Sahil understood my condition
and gave me my space. My tears had dried up but I cried sometimes, when
I was alone in my room. I wasn’t able to focus in my classes; I was just
sitting there, hoping something interesting out of the books to divert my
attention. My story had unfolded to almost everyone in the college and I
could see it in their eyes.
15 days had passed and it seemed like I’ve been tormented for years.
I had skipped my dinner that evening and was lying on my bed when I
got a call from Mahek. She had been calling me quite frequently since
Kashika walked away. Her caring voice was the only thing that was
soothing enough for me. Still I rejected the call. Immediately she called me
up the second time. I accepted the call, maybe she really wanted to talk or
else she would have left me alone.
“Hey Dude..!!”
“Hey Witch..!!” I said though it lacked the fun and excitement, it was
plain and dry.
PANKAJ MITTAL 159
“Shut up..!! Now listen, I have something for you.” Of course she did.
I remembered the last time I met her in my hometown, I had told her
everything. She wanted to help me, but she had to leave for Delhi the very
next day. Her college semesters were up.
“After I met you, I had to go back to Delhi, you know that. I came
back here day before yesterday. I met Niharika yesterday and came across
some hard facts. I don’t have much time so I’ll make this short and clear.”
By now I was listening intently.

She continued, “You had a Bitch-Ditch.”
“What..?!!! Bitch-Ditch?”
“Don’t you get it? That bitch ditched you. She was playing around
with you. You were just another name in her list….”
“That’s not true…!!! You’re lying.”
“Shut up..!! I’m not making this up. Niharika told me. She and
Vaishali wanted to tell you this, but they were afraid to talk to you. They
knew how deeply you loved her and you wouldn’t believe them. The
Sunday’s when she wasn’t with you; she was going around with that
Arvind fellow. The day you were operated, she was with one of her ex
from school. They’ve been away for whole day and whole night. Her
parents thought she was out on a class picnic; that’s what she told them.
I’ve met the guy, he’s my junior. She left him after Bhubaneswar. Dude..!!
She was with another guy, when you were in the theatre. The days when
she broke up, the whole time Arvind was here in our town. He was staying
in a hotel and she used to visit him…..Every…. Single… Day..!!!”
She took a pause, she was out of breath. I was speechless. Was she
really talking about Kashika? It was unbelievable, absurd and impossible.
But something told me to wake up and open up my eyes.
“Hey I want you to tell me the truth. Swear upon Aunty.” “What?”
“Swear on your mom, first.” She demanded. There was nothing about
me hidden from her. Still if she was asking me to swear, then it was
something important.
“Did you try to force her to sleep with you?” She said. “What..?
Forced her? You mean against her will?” I simply
was astounded.
“Yeah….you know what that means.”

“No, never. I love her. How could I ever do that? I couldn’t even think
of such a thing. I swear upon my mom, I never did,” Had I done such a
thing I wouldn’t have sworn upon my mother falsely.
“I believe you, well, your sweet heart gave that reason for your break
up.”
“To whom?”
“Vaishali… her best friend. Actually this was the reason she wasn’t
talking to you. Vaishali knows everything about her, but is still in a doubt
whom to believe. That bitch shows off her gifts and the number of
boyfriends she has.”
“I’ll call her tomorrow.”
“That would be great. And also clarify everything about…well I don’t
even want to say her name. Bye, running out of balance. Will call you
tomorrow.”
“Hey, I don’t know what to say, thanks anyways.”
“Shut up and sleep peacefully today. It was she who never deserved
you. Bye, don’t make me……” she must have ran out of balance. Well, the
message was delivered and from a very reliable source. I had never
doubted her; even when we were sworn enemies.
Next day things were clarified from Niharika and Vaishali. The task at
hand was to remove the doubts that rose out of Kashika’s false allegations.
I finally understood the concept of society that my father tried to explain. I
needed them. I needed to interact with them. I wanted them to know that I
was a victim. But they won’t. According to them I had done something
against the ‘society’. Since they had no proof, they assumed and tried to
keep their distance. No one knew how the rumours started but already a lot
of people were left in doubt. Raj and Sahil were the first whom I gave the
complete explanation. They had believed in me even during the darkest of
times. Within next few days my name was cleared. Arvind’s girlfriend who
was my junior was shocked to hear the truth about Arvind. In fact she
called him the same day and asked him to meet. They had already broken
up, yet I have no idea why he came or what she even had to discuss with
him. We never knew about this meeting until Vinod Bhai called us. I
rushed to the spot followed by Raj and Sahil.
PANKAJ MITTAL 161
They both had an ugly argument and that bastard slapped the poor girl
when he couldn’t defend himself. He was definitely publicly humiliated.
We were there in no time and could see the asshole preparing to leave,
while the poor girl was crying her heart out.
That day at the mall we let him go, unscratched. That was our
mistake. A big mistake that we rectified that day. Since then we never
heard of him.
6 months later!
Everyone in my family was happy, happy for my breakup, happy they had
got what they wanted.
Even after what she did to me, I had learnt to fake a smile and make
people believe she meant nothing to me. To them I appeared contented, and
happy without her. Only few of my closest friends knew the pain I bore in
my heart.
I was with Mahek, at the same cafeteria where we had last talked. I
came back home after my semesters. Since those terrible days, I never tried
to contact Kashika.
We’ve been there for hours sharing and discussing about everything.. I
noticed a couple opposite us. They were younger than us, probably 2-3
years junior. They were laughing and giggling. I heard the boy asking the
girl, “You won’t ever leave me alone naa?”
“Not as long as I’m alive,” the girl responded.

I never realized when my eyes turned wet. Mahek had noticed my
tears.
She broke the silence between us and asked, “Even now you love her?
After what she did?”
I remained silent for a minute, then finally said, “I don’t know
whether I love her or not… I know one thing for sure. It was my first time
and I’ve been Bitch-Ditched.”
And I laughed. At first she looked confused but she knew my laugh
this time was genuine. So she joined in. After a long time I had found
peace within my-self. Though time would erode the canvass away,
somewhere the strokes of memories would remain.
2 years later!
My third year was already over. I was back to Bhubaneshwar with Raj and
Sahil after our vacations back home. Sahil and I had rented a room before
we left for vacations, courtesy Vinod Bhai. We were in Bhubaneswar for
the graduation certificates. Raj had already bagged a job in Delhi where as
Sahil had decided to stay in Bhubaneswar along with me. Actually he was
in ‘love’, again. I was offered a job by a Delhi based company during
campus placements. But I had already decided to work in Bhubaneswar.
The big city charms were useless for me. I wanted a peaceful life after all
that I have gone through. It wasn’t about living the memories and moments
I shared with Kashika. It was about facing the challenges and starting a
new life over the memories of lost love. I could have moved to big cities
away from my past with the excuse of better job possibilities but I decided
to stay and fight. I was not a kid anymore. In order to be ready for future
challenges, I had to face my past.
I had almost recovered from ‘Kashika-mania’. I was going out with

my friends for movies, live events, hangouts and late night outings for the
past one year. In the beginning, whenever I came across places where I was
with Kashika, my eyes used to burn. They burned because I was holding
back my tears. I had promised myself not to shed a single drop of tear in
her name. Later my tears had all dried up. I was getting closer to my usual
self.
On the third day of our arrival in Bhubaneswar, I got a call from Sahil.
He informed me about Kashika being present in Pal Heights, the same mall
where we last met. It took me minutes to recognize her when I was finally
looking at her after so long. There was a complete changeover in her
appearance, the natural beauty of her skin was all replaced with overdosed
cosmetics, her dress was skin fit and she had shrunk terribly. Her cuteness
had all vanished; instead, she looked more like a terrible accident of some
cheap Bio-Engineering Lab. She was busy chatting with a guy and
definitely it wasn’t Arvind.
I moved towards her. My emotions began to swell. “I had to face

this,” I thought, trying to hold on to my nerves.”Hey? How are you
Honey!!” Like an uninvited guest I joined them at the table. She looked at
me; totally pale and stunned. She took seconds
PANKAJ MITTAL 163
before coming back to senses. I appeared out of no-where, completely

unexpected.
“Hey,” she replied with a fake smile on her…. face.
Scared of my words, she immediately introduced me to the other guy
who looked at me suspiciously right at moment when I had said ‘Honey’.
“He is Jay, my Fiancé.”

I looked at Jay, while he smiled at me. He was a descent guy,
belonging to a good family. Anyone could have easily figured that out.
Then she cleared away even the slightest doubt.
“His father is one of the eminent personalities in town. You must have
heard about Mr. Tripathy?” She said with a deep sense of pride. Her eyes
indicated, “See this is the class I belong to; you were just a mistake.”
I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t crying and I wasn’t laughing.

My emotions were neutral. She thought that I was jealous, fired up or
shocked, or whatever. Instead I was in a dilemma. Should I behave like a
descent person, congratulate them and just leave? Well most descent
people would have definitely done that and left the couple alone. But had I
done that, it would have been self-centeredness. I could visualize the
number of hearts this girl broke, the volume of tears that were shed for her,
the answer sheets that scored zero, the parents that were disappointed, the
boys that were deserted, the money wasted on her gifts and the blood that
had flowed. Today an opportunity was presented to me from the heavens
itself. I was the messenger with the means, motivation and the knowledge
to destroy this evil. I decided to do what was justified. If this guy, Jay,
understood Bolish, he would be saved.
“Ohhhh…. The industrialist..!!! Sure I do…!!” I clearly overreacted,

which made both of them uneasy, “You’ve moved up in life, Kashu. I’m so
thrilled to know you are engaged to Mr. Hotshot.”
She had never expected to see the other side of the coin. I was totally
cool, calm and composed.
“Th…Thank…You…,” She knew what was coming. Then she looked
at me, she looked at me with those pleading eyes. Those same eyes had
fooled me before; numerous times. But not today.
“I’m sorry, Jay, I’m Avigya…”
“Ohh…Sorry I haven’t introduced him…. He’s Avigya, my fri….”
“I’m her boyfriend.” I cut in the same way she did. “No,
actually he’s my Ex.”
“Says who?” I asked.
“We broke up long ago, if you remember?”
“No, Sweetheart, I never broke up. You left me. Just like that.” I said
snapping my fingers.
Poor Jay, looked at us. He was totally taken by surprise.
“I couldn’t believe when people told me all those things about you.”
She was shocked to hear this from me but still in doubt about what all I
knew.
Actually I knew everything. For the past 2 years, I had gathered
maximum information on her. I met most of the guys who were ‘Bitch-
Ditched’ by her. I was the second in her list. The first one was the guy from
her class. The list had continued since then. It was easy to trace because
she always double timed or triple timed. You always know the guy next in
line who took your girl. From the other stories I also came to know I was
her most passionate lover. And now with the information I had I was her
worst enemy; but she never knew that.
“Why Kashu? Why do you do this?” I asked her. I had asked her the
same question before, but the intentions were different now. My intentions
were now to destroy her and show her that you just can’t go on a rampage;
playing and juggling with guys and even destroying their lives for own
whims and fancies. I was there to fulfill my vendetta and on behalf of
others.
“Come, let’s leave. I don’t want to talk to this idiot.” She pulled Jay.
He simply nodded and followed her. And I followed them shouting, “I
need an answer, Kashika. We all need an answer.” People looked at me as
if I was mad but I was actually enjoying.
Once again we stood outside the mall, same spot where she had
walked away from me. Finally Jay must have got irritated because he
turned around to hit me.
“You are going to marry a woman, you know nothing about.” His fist
stopped right on my nose tip. This part of Bolish could never let you down.
“Come on Jay, he’s lying. That’s what he’s best at.” Kashika said
when these words shot out of my mouth.
PANKAJ MITTAL 165
“Really Jay?!! Would you marry that girl?” Jay

was lost in thoughts now.
“How do I know you are not lying?” Jay said without any emotion on
his face, though he must have been almost devastated. Even we were.
“You have to trust me on that. Besides I know she must have been
hiding a lot from you.”
I related the whole story to Jay. With every twist and turn his frown
increased. Poor guy was left speechless, as he looked with sad eyes
towards Kashika. Her face showed anger and frustration but shame and
guilt were evident from her eyes.
“He’s a liar.” Kashika said finally when I was done with my narration.
“Fine, then let me call her boyfriends and you can find out for
yourself.” She looked at me, shocked and in complete disbelief.
“You have their contact numbers?” Jay asked, clearly surprised.
“Yeah, you want them?”
Jay looked at Kashika. She with her usual pleading eyes spoke softly,
“I love youuuuu..”
“Yeah because you’re rich…. And famous.”
“Go to hell..!!” She said while tears rolled out of her eyes; I presume it
was because she was about to loose a big, fat money machine.
“Well. Sweetu, I just came out of it and I’m heading for Heavens
now.” I said while exchanging the mail with Jay. I had maintained the list
in my email, and updated the draft mail whenever I came across a new
name.
“You want me to update the list with your name and contact number?”
I asked Jay, of course I was joking, even though it was not a good time.
“Yes, but once I’m satisfied with the facts.” He said in a very serious
tone.
They both left together but Jay was clearly not talking to Kashika. She
was still trying to convince him that I had lied about her. She was using her
usual charms but Jay remained unnerved.
“I remember you and the girl. Last time you created a hell of a scene.”
It was the same guard who had resisted Vinod Bhai and others.
“If you are the hero, and the previous guy was the
villain, then whose he?” The guard points towards Jay.
“The Victim.” I said with a smile; out of content for
saving a life. I had saved that guy from walking into a
‘Black Hole’. A black hole in every aspect.
I slept peacefully that night. Without caring what
happened to Jay or Kashika or he or she or freaking
whoever else. After a month I got a message or rather a
confirmation, “Include me in the list. Thanks. Jay.” Well,
it explained what could have happened between them.
written By
Pankaj Mittal
Connect with him on FB:

www.fb.com/authorpankaj

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13. Chapter Thirteen 120

14. Chapter Fourteen 125

17. Chapter Seventeen 139

“Don’t ruin my life, Avigya. Leave me, forget me.”

heart silently prayed to God, may this be a stupid joke, or a childish

My complaints continued and I found the C++ classes as the most

Some sort of sound, a melodious “cham cham..cham cham”, distracted

And here she appeared as I can vaguely describe…”An adorable

She was not a plastic beauty, made-up of overdosed cosmetics. That

mysterious twinkling eyes, sharply etched eyebrows added to her

She is so pretty,she must be committed to someone,” popped up in my

Damnnn..!! I recalled that I’d requested him to shift me to the evening

“FINE…”I realized I was a bit loud, then adjusting my volume I

“Okay then. You can leave.”

My Heart, It Speaks A Thousand Words

It took me hours to get ready that morning. Already I had spent an

Seeking reasons to catch a glimpse of her. I

Beautiful morning indeed. The surroundings were bright and peaceful. A

I never liked mornings. But today, everything around seemed to

However, the immediate reassurance was that in a few minutes I

“Yippee, she’s here!” my heart sang to me a dozen songs within a

Gathering all my excitement, I entered the room, gently moved my

She looked stunning, draped in a striking salwar embedded with eye

“Sir, I have some previous doubts,” she said. “Okay.

“So, got it?” I asked.

To which she replied, “Naah, I guess it’s Ramanujan Sir’s cell.”

“Where do you live?” I asked her.

“Are you the only child?” I asked.

“I understood, Sir. He explained it to me,” she said, looking at me

“No Sir, I got it.”

enough to make my mouth water. I desperately wanted a piece of those

After swallowing another three or four big pieces, he seemed to

The first year of my Engineering in Bhubhneswar ended. After every

One fine day at the college campus, almost unexpectedly, she

I looked at her in disbelief. Why had she stopped? Is something

But judging from the engineering point of view my statement was

I could never understand why these professors are always after

The whole class had their eyes pinned on sir.

“Come, let’s go,” said Sahil.

“What are they upto now …”

Meanwhile the puff I had ordered finally arrived. - “Vinod Bhai’s

“I love you, Raj,” I said from the back, in a girly voice.

Many times they came up with proposals for getting me committed to

“I can die for my friends,” I answered without a second thought before

“Damn…. It will be really painful, if I survived somehow.” I was right.

Anjan was my childhood friend, who knew more about me than I

Without wasting any minute, I rushed to get dressed before Anjan

I knew that he was least interested in the golgappas. He was actually

“Don’t argue, and keep your money” I continued.

“Okay, will try,” I replied.

Next morning, I was standing outside Niharika’s house, with my fingers

“Hey Avigya, sit,” she said, pointing towards couch.

“Haan, wahi” she said firmly.

“Did I crack a joke?”

“I couldn’t get you, Avigya” she replied.

“I was hesitating. I had no idea how to bring this subject up.”