Rebecca Smith

Dead Special Crabs - Dan Kitrosser

Comic
June, twenty

JUNE: We can’t have people coming after us, okay? We have to be completely untraceable and
create new lives for ourselves. Everything you once knew about yourself you have to change.
Your name, your age, your history. All of it. Okay, my name is going to be something nice,
something wonderful. Something like Rosemary, but different. Harpsichord. Harpsichord Hall.
Muth. Harpsichord Hallmuth. Okay? And you’re my husband. Rick. Lo. Ben. Ton. Ricklobenton.
Ricklobenton Hallmuth. Okay. And where are we from? Idaho! Yes, we’ve been struggling
potato farmers. And we’re out east because we’re looking to start growing turnips! And we met
on a cruise, and you fell in love with me and I came back to Idaho and a potato famine struck
which threatened not only our livelihood, but our very marriage. You took to drinking and I
delved into color-by-numbers. It wasn’t until we saw an ad for turnip farming that we finally
faced ourselves in the mirror and said, “We have to do this. We have to go out there and
change. Not just for our business. But for each other.” (She takes a breath) That’s a beautiful
story, isn’t it? Just came up with it, like, right on the spot.