Najieh Ahmad

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I How this change

submission: question I received made to what I impacts my piece:
(a phrase, sentence, from De Piero or a initially wrote:
paragraph, idea, classmate: (i.e. the change I made
punctuation, piece of (or a thought that you to column 1)
evidence, etc.) had on your own)

Thank you, “I think you might Thank you, Though leaving a full
Stacy Stevens want a full space space wasn't a rule, it
Healthcare Recruiter after your salutations. in fact made it look a
(123)-456-7890 However, that isn’t a Stacy Stevens lot more professional.
stevens.stacy@hotm rule; it’s a Also, changing the
convention.”
Healthcare Recruiter font to make it look
HappyCare Services like a personalized
(123)-456-7890 signature made it
stevens.stacy@hotmail look and feel more
.com profession as well.

If your company “Commas (and If your company Having good

doesn't pay for the punctuation, more doesn't pay for the punctuation helps the
damages made I will generally) helps to damages made, I will audience understand
be suing your guide a reader’s be suing your the connection made
organization. understanding of the organization. with my thoughts and
relationship b/w the the sentence more
ideas within each clear.
sentence. One way
you can bring more
clarity here could be
to show the (If X,
then Y) relationship.

If your company
doesn't pay for the
damages made, I will
be suing your
organization.”

Dear Sophia, “For starters: why Dear Ms. Richard, Personalizing emails
Cat? Remember the gave a positive tone
importance of and better connection
personalizing emails to the reader.
that talked about (and
hopefully learned)
during our outreach
emails for the
interview? Generally,
 if you can change the
name from Dear X to
Dear Y without
making any other
changes, it probably
isn’t personalized
enough.
Personalizing
outreach
communication is a
way to maximize its
persuasiveness.”

We would be “Other qs I’m We would be I added a lot more to

honored to have you wondering: When? honored to have you this because I initially
as our class’s guest For what course? as our class’s guest had nothing but that
Connected to what sentence. Adding all
speaker. speaker. It would be
assignment? Will of that into one
students be great if you could find paragraph showed
interviewing Cat? Will some time to chat that I WANTED her
there be a Q+A after? with my for an as my guest speaker
What can Cat offer informational and added some
Sophia for coming? interview any time persuasion. I gave
What’s in it for both of this month. If you are her a time period
them?” which was a month
unable to do so,
and an opt out clause
please do not feel so she doesn't feel
pressured to say yes. pressured to say yes.
If willing to meet with
my class, this
informational
interview would really
help them get a
better understanding
of your job, daily
communications, and
tasks. I am happy to
work around your
schedule.

Letter to HC manager “What kind of letter?” Inquiry Letter Used business writing
terms to convey the
type of letter to the
Healthcare Manager.

Sincerely, “Company’s not Sincerely, Adding the company

Tom Smith listed?” name instantly made
Human Resource it more professional.
Representative It shows that he is
tsa7654@aol.com
Tom Smith qualified and has a
REAL effient job.
Human Resource
Representative
HappyCare Services
tsa7654@aol.com

Thanking you for “Sounds like an Placed it as the Opening with a clear
taking your time in opener to me. What opener for TG4. statement about bad
reaching out to me do our assigned news. In this case it is
about my mistake readings suggest his mistake (mixing
(Was placed at the about responding to a up Janet’s
second paragraph of negative message?” paperwork).
TG4)

I will also be reaching “Good connection, This matter needs to I decided to place it
out to the insurance above! be taken care of as the last sentence
company as well to immediately with because the next
make sure this I’m wondering, steps would be
cooperative attention.
mistake is fixed. (was though, whether this coming up with a
placed as the last I will make sure to suitable solution to
sentence/comment is come up with a
sentence in the first misplaced. Is this a the problem.
paragraph) next-steps / closing suitable solution. I will
kind of comment? If also be reaching out
so, do you think it’d to the insurance
be more effective with company as well to
other next steps / make sure this
outreach info? I think mistake is fixed.
you might be
squeezing into too
many
different/competing
purposes into this
paragraph.”

Author’s “What’s it mean to Author’s Gave the readers a

Purpose/Goal: To “take care of his Purpose/Goal: To better understanding
inform the HR rep he mistake”?” inform Stacy that he of the purpose/goal
will take care of his
will make changes to
mistake
his routine,
apologizes for mixing
up the paperwork,
and will find a
solution.

Exigence: To “I think this is his Exigence: A mistake Gave the readers a

apologize for his purpose. More than happened by mixing better understanding
mistake likely, the exigence is up paperwork of the exigence.
just that a mistake
happened. (But
how?)”

I am writing to you “Details: what’s the I am writing to you Clarity has been a
because my client, name of the wrong because my client, major key in this
Janet Walker, has organization? The Janet Walker, has course. My interview
been paired with the right organization? taught me to always
been paired with the
wrong organization. What position/role is “be precise, yet
Janet working at? wrong organization. concise.” Based on
What position/role You have paired her another assigned
should she be?” with an organization reading, "Business
called Healthy Jeans complaints and
when she has applied adjustments," I chose
for our company, to start my claim with
this statement
HappyCare.
because I’ve learned
that you should avoid
stating the details
right away with
complaints.

I am sorry to hear “From Amy’s I am sorry to hear I addressed the

about your situation. perspective, she about your situation. complaints in my
Please fill out the likely wouldn’t want adjustment and
form attached, with HappyCare to be Thanks for being showed that we are
your health insurance held liable. With that patient while we sort willing to work with
provider and other in mind, don’t you the client.
this out. After an in-
information. We are think she’d make
so sorry about this more of an effort to depth discussion with
incident and we are work WITH Hana to my team, we’ve
taking full make sure that she
responsibility for this gets what she needs realized that we’re
situation. out of her insurance? responsible for these
And wouldn’t she issues. We take full
offer some kind of
follow-up to check on responsibility for the
her? Or assign extra lack of maintenance
support to make sure
at our company.
she’s comfortable?
And what about the
sign + the leak/
water-y floor --- she
didn’t mention
anything about that…
adjustments typically
address the
claimant’s points +
 complaints.”

Author’s “Also, would you Author’s Made it realistic to the

Purpose/Goal: To consider her injuries Purpose/Goal: To situation.
sue the nursing home “the damages”? To sue the nursing home
and maybe pay for me, “damages”
and maybe pay for
the damages made (if sounds more like
her insurance doesn't non-human problems her injury (if her
cover her fractured (e.g. vehicle insurance doesn't
leg) damages). When cover her fractured
would she want this $ leg)
by? Would she CC
her lawyer on this
email?”

Company: What is HappyCare? Company Profile: This was an

HappyCare Health Where’d your HappyCare Services effective way to
Services- Nursing Company Profile? I’d nursing home has introduce the
Home like to see some info business to the
been presenting
related to this potential
outstanding care to
organization so I can customers, gave
make sense of what our clients and their
families for over a the customers a
this project is all
about. decade. Our professional
company is introduction to the
determined in
company, and
informed them
contributing quality,
about its products
effective cost, and
and services.
trust to best fit your
needs. All of our staff
are highly educated
trained with
astonishing skills.
HappyCare is open
seven days a week
and our supervisors
are accessible
whenever you need
them. Our
adaptability in
offering care, check
progress, and
communication is
what makes
HappyCare the
nursing home for you.