The Essays o F Elia by Charles Lamp

T HE ESSAYS O F ELIA
AND ELIA NA
C HARLES LAMB
LO ND O N
G . B ELL AND S O NS , LTD .
19 1 3
NO TI CE
THE “
Essays of Elia,
ost o f wh ich were c ontribute d to the
m
Lon d on Maga zi n e w e re fi rst published in bo ok form in 18 23 and
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the Last Essays o f Elia fo ll o we d in 1833 Th e ch ie f alterations

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Charles Lamb made in h is prose writings w ere in th e way o f

excisi on His Essays when republished i n a c ol l e ct e d form w ere
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carefully even ruthlessly relieved o f all redundancies S om e

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p ass a ges ho w
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ever were , evi dently w ithdrawn fo r purely personal
reaso ns an d these are re stored in the present edition with a fe w

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characteristic notes which although they m ay have seemed to

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Lamb to o tri fling t o stand in h is c olle cted Es says will be extremely

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interes ti ng t o every lover o f Elia Th e other suppressed passages

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h ave as a rule been give n in the Appendix

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excep tion i s in the Essay o n Bo ok s and Reading To these

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D eta h ed Th o ugh ts (as they really are) have been restored som e
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c
p a s sag es o f bio gra

phical rather than literary value I n every case
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the restored passages have been enclosed in brackets .
Th e section entitled Eliana consists of pap ers contributed t o

various m agazines an d miscellanies which were collected by J E
, . .
Babs on in
CO NTEN T S
A B I O GR A P H I C AL ESS AY ON E LIA .
THE E SSAYS OF E L I A
THE S OUTH H OU S E
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S EA
O X F OR D I N T H E V A C A T I O N
CHRI ST S H O S PITA L F I VE AN D TH I RT Y Y EA RS
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A GO
T HE T wo R A C E S OF ME N
N E w Y E AR S E V E
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MRS B ATT LE S O P I N I ON S O N W H I ST
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A C H A PT E R ON EA R S
ALL F o o L s D A Y
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A QU AKE R S MEETI N G ’
T HE O LD AND T H E N E W S CH OO L M AS T ER
I M P E RF ECT S Y M P A TH I ES
WI T C H ES AN D O TH E R N IG HT F E A R S
,
VALE NTIN E S D A Y ’
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MY R ELA TI O N S
M ACKE RY E N D I N H E RTF R DS H I RE
,
O
MY F IR S T P LA Y
M ODE RN G A LL A NTR Y
TH E OLD B E N CH ERS O F T HE I N N E R T E M P LE .
G RA CE BE F O R E M EA T
D R EA M CH I L DR E N ; A R E vE RI E
DIS T A NT CO RR ES P ON DE N T S
v iii CO N T E N T S
TH E P R AI S E O F CHI MN E Y S WEE PE RS
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A COMPLA IN T O F T HE DECA Y O F B E G G A R S I N TH E M E TRO

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PO L I S
A D I S SE RT A T IO N UPO N RO AS T PIG
A B A C H EL O S CO M PLA INT O F TH E B E H AV I O U R OF MA RRI ED
R
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P E OP LE
O N S OM E O F TH E O LD A CT O R S
O N TH E A RTI FI C I AL COM ED Y O F THE LAS T CE NT U RY
O N T HE A CT I N G O F MU N DE N
THE LAST E S S AY S O F E L I A
PR E FA C E
B LAK ES MO OR I N H SH I RE
POO R ELA T IO N S
R
D E TA CH ED T HOUG HT S O N BOO K S A N D R E AD I N G
ST A G E I LL USION
T O TH E S H ADE O F ELL I S TO N
E L L I S T ON I A N A
TH E OL M A R G A T E HO Y
D
TH E C O N VALESC E NT
S A N IT Y O F T R U E G E N I U S
C A PT A I N J A CK SON
T H E S U P E R A NN U A T ED M A N
TH E G E NT EEL S T Y LE I N W R I T I N G
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P
BA RB A R A S
TH E T O MB S I N T HE A BB EY
A M I CU S R ED IV I V US
S O M E SONN ET S O F S I R P H I LI P S Y D N E Y
N E WS PA PE R S TH I RT Y F I VE Y EA S A O
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R G
B A RR E NN E S S OF TH E I M AGI N AT I VE F A C U LT Y I N TH E PRO
D U CT I ON S O F M O DE RN A RT
THE W DD I N GE
C O N T EN T S
R E J O I C ING S UPON THE N Ew YE A R S COMI NG OF AG E ’
O LD CH I NA
T HE CH I LD A N G EL ; A D R EA M
CONFESS ION S OF A DRU N KA R D

PO PU LA R F ALL A CI E S
.I THAT A B U LL Y I S A LWAY S A COWA R D
I I TH A T I LL G O TT E N G A IN N E vE R P ROS P E R S
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III TH A T A M AN MU S T NOT L A U G H AT HI S OW N
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J ES I
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Iv . TH A T S U CH A O N E S Ho ws H I S BR E E I N
D G —TH A T I T
IS EAS Y T o P E RC E I VE H E I s N o G E NT LE
M AN
v . T HA T T HE P OO R CO P Y THE VI OES OF T H E R I C H
VI . TH A T E NOU G H I S AS G OO D A S A FE AS T
VI I . O F T WO D I S P UT AN T S TH E WA RM EST I S G EN ER ALL Y
,
I N TH E W RON G
VI II . T H A T VE RB AL ALL U S I O N S A R E NO T WI T B E CA U SE
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T HE Y WI LL N OT B E A R A TR A NSLA T I ON
IX . TH A T TH E WO R S T P U N S A R E TH E B ES T
X . TH A T H A N D SO M E I S TH A T H A N DSO M E D OE S
XI . TH A T WE M US T NOT L OO K A GI FT HO RSE I N T HE
M OUTH
X II . TH A T HOME I S HOM E T HOUG H I T I S N EVE R SO
H O M EL Y .
X II I . TH A T Y OU M U ST LO VE M E A N D L O V E M Y D OG
XI V . TH A T W E S HOULD R I SE WI TH TH E LA R K
XV . TH A T WE S HOU LD L I E DOW N WIT H TH E L AMB ,
X VI . T H A T A S U L KY T E M E R I S A M I S F O RT U N E
P
E LI ANA
THE G ENTLE G IANT ESS .
TH E R E Y N OLDS G ALLE R Y
CO NT EN T S
P AG E
G U Y FA U X
A VI SI ON OF HO R N S
T H E GOO D C L ER K,
A CH A R A CT E R
R EM IN I S C E NC E O F SI R J E FF E R Y D U NS I N
''
A
O N A P ASS AG E I N T H E T E M P ES T
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T H E MONTH S
B IO GR A PH I CA L M E MOI R O F MR L I S TON
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A U T OB IOG R A P H Y O F MR MU N DEN
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T H E I LL U S TR I OU S DE F U NCT
TH E A SS
I N RE S Q U I RR EL S
ES T IMA T E O F D E FOE S SE CO N D A R Y NO VELS

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POS T S CR I P T T o T HE CHA P T E R ON EA R S
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EL IA T o HI S CORRES PO N DE NT S
U N I T A R I A N P R OT EST S
ON THE C U S T O M O F H I SS I N G A T T H E TH EA T RES
C A P T A I N S T A R K EY
A POPU LA R F ALLA C Y TH A T A DE F ORM ED P E R S O N I S A
,
LOR D
LE TTE R T O A N O LD G E N T LE MA N W H OSE E D U CA T IO N H AS
BEE N N EG LE CT ED
O N T H E A MB IG U I T I ES A R I S I N G F RO M P R O P E R N A M ES
EL I A ON HI S CONF ESS ION S OF A D RU N K A R D

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TH E LAS T P EA C H
R E F LE CT IO NS I N TH E PI LL O R Y
C U PI D S R EVE NG E
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T H E DE F EA T O F T I M E ; O R A T ALE OF THE F A I R I ES
'
A DEA TH B ED
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A PPEND I X
A BI O G RAPH I CAL E S SAY O N EL I A
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NE the great char m s o f the E ssays o f E l ia is
of
O the clearness with which th e y reveal the a uthor s ’
ha bits opi nions and history We ar e told about E lia s

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school days E lia s fri en ds (almost t h e whole a l phabet o f

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capital letters comes in t o r e p r e s e n t them ) and E lia s rela

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ti ons We are informed W h at books he li k ed best and

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what dish he con s i dere d most deli cious p r i ncep a obso m o “ -
—
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rwm . W e are let into so me o f h i s weakn esse s t hat he

was extremely f o nd o f a pi pe ; that h e fw as by n o means
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incapable o f Bacchus ; that he loved lying in bed in t h e
morn i ng ; that he liked sweeps S O constantly indeed .
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does this per sona l element enter into Lamb s w ri tings that ’
a very inte resting life might be co mpil e d fr om them alone .
'
The d ifii c u l ty is to k now what to receive as fact Chaules .
‘
L am b drew largely o n his own history fo r the material o f

his Essays but he did not render it li terally as i f he were
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w riting an autobiog r aphy and were bound t o b e s tr i c t l y

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o
truthful and authen t ic H e modified an d t r an s fo r m e d h i s

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experiences so as to produ ce a good artistic e ffect An d .
the Re ade r will often b e puzz led to de t erm ine whether a

sta t em ent made with every appearance o f sincerity is really
true o r is who lly o r partially fictitious I n the Appendix
, .
to this volume an attempt has bee n made to show w hat

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prete n sions th e Ess ays o f Elia have to bi ographical
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accurac y .
It has also been thought that a slight outline o f Lamb s .

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history by revealing some o f the many beauties and some

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also o f the weakn esses o f his character w uld bring the ,

o
reader into closer sympathy wi t h Elia and enhan ce his plea ,
sure i n p erusi ng the E ssays With this Object the following

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x 11 A B I O G R A P HI C AL E SSAY ON EL I A
b rief and imperfect s ketch has been written Those w h o .
desire further information about this charmi n g write r and ,
no less charming man may turn to the R ecollections o f ,
Lamb s friend Mr Procter ; or may spe n d a pleasant hour

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in l istening to Mr Percy F itzgerald s easy familiar chat .

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The inner li fe o f Lamb his moral and intellectu al history , ,
is best told in h is own deli g htf ul correspondence .
Charles Lamb was born o n F eb r u ary l ot h 1 7 7 5 in , ,
Br o w n O ffice Ro w in the Temple ; and there he passed the

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first seven years o f his li fe He was the youngest child o f .
Mr J ohn Lamb a clerk in the employ o f Mr Salt o n e O f

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*
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the Benchers o f the Inner Temple Through li fe Lamb .

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retained a s trong affection fo r the place where he was b o m ,
an d everything con n ected with it I ts antiquated monas .
t i c air had from childhood a deep attra ction fo r h i m He

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loved its magnificen t ample squares its c l as i c green

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recesses its gardens its fountain and its sundial I t was
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t o him the most elegant spo t in the metropolis

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When a .
child he was a freq u ent visitor at a fine Old mansion in

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H ertford shire called G ilston Twhere his grandmother was

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housek eeper I f we are justi fied in receiving the touching

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retrospect in B l ak e sm o o r as a substantially true account

o f his c hildish feelings ( as it is almost imposs i ble to he l p
doing ) this o l d house must have had a power ful in fl uence

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o n his mind He was a lonely ch ild he tells us an d
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had the range at will o f every apartment ; he wan d ered

throu gh its lof ty tapestried rooms filled w ith antique ,
moth eaten f urn i t ure o r lay drea min g in the stat ely gar
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dens with his fav o ur l te Cowley in his hand ; he knew

every nook and corner wo ndered and worshipped every ,
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w here .
In 1 7 8 2 when just seven years Old Charles received a

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presentation to the fo u n dat io n o f Christ s Hospital wh ere '

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he remained ti ll he was f ourteen Litt le is known of h i s .
school days He was natural ly o f a s h y and retiring dis

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position an d all the in fl uences to which he had been ex

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p o s ed had tended to confirm his reserved and so l i tary
—
O n so m e O f t h e o l d B e nch ers
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Lo ve}, of th e E s say , &c .
t B l ak es m o o r i n H s l l i re .
A B I O G RA P HI C AL E SSAY O N EL I A x iii
h abits , an d oste r his early taste fo r quiet an d stu d i o u s
to f .
em p loymen ts An incurabl e impediment in his speech

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which any excitemen t rendered pain f u l and the delica cy o f ,
his fr ame tended to separate him still more from the other
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boys and may account fo r the fact that n o intimacy sp r ang

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up at that time between h m and any o f his school fellows

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A k indly feeling however was f el t fo r him by his com

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panions and he made some acquaintances at Christ s Ho s

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pital whose f riendship in later years strengthened his

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taste fo r literature and whose society a ff orded some o f the

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k eenest delights o f his li f e .
In his studies he progressed well e specially in Latin ,
c omposition and would most lik ely have taken an e x h ib i

tion a n d entered in to holy orders ( as he himsel f tells u s ) ,
had not the impediment in his speech proved an insu p erable

obstacle H e was the refore compelled to relinquish all
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thoughts o f the quiet scholastic li fe which even then must

have been intensely attractive to him and to turn his mind ,
to the uncongenial realities o f business H e did this with . .
a quiet fortitude which distingu ished him th r ough life an d ,
which we cannot t o o much admire It may pe r haps not .

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seem to many a very extraordinary sa crifice fo r a lad to give

up the hope O f a l ear n e d education a n d settle to the dry
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labours o f the desk ; but to L amb we cannot doubt it w as ,
a bitter disappointment and very hard indee d to bear H e

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alread y loved learning an d the ancient seats o f learni n g ,
with a more tha n boy ish aff ection An d it was not merely .
that he had to give up his favourite pursuits t o lo s e h i s ,
only congenial associates and t o see them entering o n a,
course o f li fe f rom which he was debarred but that he ,
had to turn f rom those t antalising visions o f loved studies

and pleasant companionship to an employment that was ,
utterly distas te ful to h i m ; fo r w hich he felt whethe r ,
righ t ly o r not that he was unfit ; and from w hich he s a w

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n o t e en a distant prospect o f release

v .
The first th ree years after he lef t Christ s H ospi t l i n ’

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1 7 8 9 were spent in the employ o f the South Se a Co m pany

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wh ere his brother John ( his senior by twelve years ) held a

p osit i o n of trust An d though h.i s li f e at t h is t im e mu st
Aiv A BI O G RA P HI C AL E SSAY ON EL I A
have been rather dul ly passe d between the routine o f a di s .
tasteful business and the somewhat wearisome exaction s

,
h owever cheerfully submitted t o ) o f a home where his father

was sink ing into second childhood and his mother was a ,
c onfirmed invalid yet it was not altogether un enlivene d

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by congenial companionship Pleasant Jem White i m .

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mortal benefactor o f chimney sweepers was his frequen t -
companion An d there was the constant intercourse with

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his S ister Mary which n o w perhaps in the dearth O f othe r

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outlets fo r the tenderness O f which his heart w as full pro ,
d u c e d that deep seated aff ection w hose history will live as

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long as the E ssays o f Elia W ith Coleridge Lamb h ad .

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occasionally met while he was p u rsuing his studies at Cam

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bridge ; but it was n o t till he c ame to live in town when ,
Charl es was at the India H ouse that the intimacy sprang ,
up between them which has since become s o celebrated .
Lamb always looked back with a ff ectionate regret t o the

evenings they u sed to spend together at this time in a little ,
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smo k y p u b l i c h ou s e called the Salutation and Cat in “
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Sm i th fi e l d
, beguiling the cares o f life with poesy Th eir
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friendship from that time w as uninterrupted and they d red ,
within a fe w weeks o f each other Lam b in deed never .

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f ully recovered from the Shock o f Cole r idge s death He

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would continually exclaim to his f riends in a hal f humour ,
o u s more than hal f melanc h oly

, under tone o f assumed ,
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surprise or incredulity Colerid ge is dead ! Coleridge i s

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dead ! A n d almost the last words he wrote were a tribute ’
t o the memory o f his f riend perhaps the most eloquent and

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to uching ever paid by o n e noble minded man t o another -

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G reat as w as the in fluence the more eager and expansive

intellect o f Coleridge undoubtedly had o n Lamb s mind it ’
is impossible to acquiesce in Si r Thomas Tal fou r d s opinion ’
that to him the world is probabl y indebted fo r al l that

Lamb h as added t o i ts sources o f pleasure The genius o f .
Elia w as too original to have long lain dormant even i f it ,
h a d not been aroused by contact with a more active and i n ,
s ome respects a greater spirit

, Coleridge merely gave an .
imp ulse to Lamb s powers which had they never met t h e

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nat u ral gro wt h o f h is u n derstanding would certa inly have

A B I O G RA P HI C AL E SSAY ON EL I A xv
deve loped in ti me No r indeed were Lamb s finest writ

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i ngs produced till he had come under more varied intel

lectual in fl uences than the society o f Coleridge however .
vast his po w ers and ho w ever extensive his erudition could

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possibly have supplied .
The poetical talent which now became apparent w as ,
probably awakened less by the society Of Coleridge t han ,
by an attachment Lamb formed late in the year 1 7 95 fo r a , ,
young lady l iving in the neighbourhood Of Islin gton We -
—
know little o f the history Of his l ove H e speaks f requently .
in his Essays o f Alice W n the fair haired maid ,

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with eyes o f wa tchet hue bu t w hether th e hal f indicated -
name was a real o r assumed o n e o r whether her n ame was ,
Anna to who m some o f his love sonnets are addressed

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perhaps no o n e can n o w d e termine Whether his suit .
prospered o r n o t we cannot t e l l There is a hint in o n e o f

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L amb s letters to Coleri d ge that a S hort p e r i o d o f insanity

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from which he su ffered in 1 7 9 6 was produced by this love ,
aff air
. My mind ran upon you in my madness he ,
writes as much almost as u pon another person w h o I

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am inclined to think was the more immediate cause o f m y

te mporary phrensy H owever it was the wooing was o f
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S hort duration In the autumn o f 1 7 9 6 came the tragical

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event th at clouded i f it did not altogether sadden the , ,
whole Of his after life ; and in V iew o f the responsibilities ,
which it entailed he relinquished an attachment which he

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felt would inter f ere with their f ulfilment .
There was an hereditary tendency t o insanity in the

Lamb f amily Charles himself it has been said had fo r a
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short time su ff ered from it and had S pent six weeks in an ,
asylum at H oxto n The malady next seized his sister .

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with fatal violence Mary L amb worn down with a con .

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sta nt and harassing struggle with poverty (fo r th ey were

v ery poor had been o r some time in bad health which at
) ,f ,
l ast resul t ed in madness On the 22n d o f September in a .

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fi t o f sudden phrensy S h e seized a k ni fe from the dinner .
table and stabbed her bedridden mother to the heart .
At the coroner s inquest which Was held next day the

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j ury returned a verdict o f l unacy; an d Mary Lam b w as

x vi A B I O G RA P HI C A L E SSAY O N ELI A
r emoved to an asylum where she gradually recovered h e r ,
reason .
Charles a t fi r s t h e r e this sudden and awful blow with an

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unnatural calmness which perhaps preserved him f r om mad ,
ness The responsibility that was thrown upo n him how

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ever soon cal l ed f orth the latent strength o f his character

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H e felt to use his o w n words that he

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had something ,
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else to do than regret H e saw that i f his father w as t o .
have those comforts which his age and i n fi r m i ti e s rendered

indispensable and i f his S ister was ever to be restored to
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the s o o th i n g occupations and endearments o f home instead ,
o f being permanently consigned to a mad house it must be -
through his o w n exertions Hi s brother John though hold .

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ing a lucrati v e place in the South Sea House with a s el fi s h ,
n ess which notwithstanding Charles s a ffectionate excuses

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it is impossible to forgive never even hinted a desire t o ,
Share the heavy burden which was thus cast upon him .
Charles Lamb f el t that he could not contemplate any con

n e c t i o n which would inter f ere with the per f ormance o f these
sacred duties ; and in accordance with this conviction his , ,
love fo r the u nkno w n fair hair ed maid was deliberately -
and resolutel y sacrificed .
D uring the fe w months that his father survived Mrs .
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Lamb s death Charles gave up almost the w h o l e o f h i s

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precious leisure to him and complied cheerfully with ,
al l h i s childish caprices A letter to Coleri d ge date d .

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D ecember zu d 1 7 96 gives us a glimpse o f t h e trials he

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h ad to undergo to humour and amuse his f ather I am

g o t home he writes , and a f ter repeated games o f crib ,
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bage have got my father s leave to wr ite awhile ; with

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difficulty go t it fo r when I expostulated about playing any

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more he very aptly replied I f you won t play with me

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u might as well n o t come home at all The argument ’
y o .
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was unanswerable and I set to afresh , .
Charles Lamb s first care on Mr L amb s death early i n ’
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l 7 9 6 was to release his sister from confinement

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This w as .
Opposed by his brother J ohn and some other members o f ,
the f amily w h o thought that as th ere could be n o as sur

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»
m me given tha t her m ad n es s would n o t return she ough t ,

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A B I O G RA P HI C AL ESSAY O N EL I A
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x vu
to be placed under permanent restraint But Ch ar l e . s
w as resolute ; a n d on his entering into a solemn e n gage

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me nt that he would tak e care O f her an d S upport her

throu gh life he w as permit ted t o remove her t o his ho m e
, .
F rom that time they were hardly separated fo r a day ,
except when the return o f Mary L amb s illness rendered it ’
neces sary that Sh e should be placed under temporary r e

straint H i s I ncome at this time was only a little more than
.
a hundred a y e ar ; but he always h ad a rese r ve f und s u fii

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cient for these eme r gen cies He watched over his sister s .
’
health with pain ful care and through life bore t h e hear t
breaking anxiety occasioned by her precarious state an d
f re quent relapses—
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and which to a man o f his exquisite ,
sen s ibili ty must have been S O much more terrible than the
presence Of any actual mis fo r tune —i f not without a murm ur
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yet with a loving e ff ort to spare her t h e knowled ge o f the

an uish he sometimes endured Pe r haps this li fe lo n g de
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v o t i o n was mo r e t r uly he r oic even than the sacrifice o f his
love Many a man capab l e o f the o n e act o f s e l f ab n e ga

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tion m i ght yet have missed this loving

to th e l e ve l o f e ve ry d ay
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s
Most qui et need .

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Mary Lamb was al w av s conscious O f the approach o f her

il lnesses and submitted voluntarily t o medical treatment
, .
Charles Lloyd once met the brother and sister in the fields
near Hoxton both we eping bitterly walking hand in han d
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towards the asylum .
Charles Lamb s fi rst e fforts in literature were poetical

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In 1 7 9 7 in conjunction with Coleridge and Charles Lloyd

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h e published a f e w poe m s and son nets ; and in 1 7 98 ap , ,
ar e d a little volume entitled Blank Verse by Charles “

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p ,
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Lloyd and Charles L amb H is poetry never excited much .
attention and thou gh it was perhaps undeservedly sneered

at by reviews there can be little doubt it wo u ld have bee n
,
forgotten lon g ago i f it had not been writte n by the autho r

of the Essays o f Elia
“
Hi s son nets can hardly be calle d
.
m ore than ple asing ; bu t some of his miscellaneous pieces ,

”
such a s H ester Th e O l d F am ili ar F aces The F ar e
”
, ,
xv iii A B I O G RA P H I C AL E SSAY ON ELI
w ell t o Tobacco On an In f ant D ying as soon as

,
”
are certainly far above the average o f modern verse , .
In 1 7 9 8 also appeared the s imple an d to u c h i n

, ,
.
R osam u nd G ray ; and the f ollowing year fou nd

bu sy wi t h his tragedy John Wo o d v i l ,
.
when finished to John Kemble w h o w as ,
Drury Lane Theatre but was rejected The farce ,

Mr [H .
, .
Lamb s only other considerable dramatic attemp t met with

’
,
scarcely a better fate It was a ccepted produced and .

, ,
decisively damned o n th e first night .
”
E ss ays o f Elia on which alone Lamb s c l ai m t o a
’
Th e ,
l
name great in literature can be fou n ded were almost all ,
publ i hed during the last f ourteen yea rs o f his life He

s .
w as then in the maturi t y o f his po w ers and he poured forth ,
his original thoug h ts and quaint fancies w ith a richne s s and

variety which no other essayist has ever r ivalled He h ad .
every qualification fo r an essay ist H e h ad l earnt Englis h

from the be s t teachers —the old writers and he had bee n
.
an apt scholar —not accumulating merely but as similati ng

, ,
w hat he learnt H i s early style ( as in John Wo o d v il

.
“
,
fo r instance ) is o ften antiquated ; but in the

. E ssays o f “
Elia there is no trace o f an ex c essive o r serv ile adherence

to the mann er o f his models Fe w writers indeed have .
, ,
had a more real com mand o f English than L amb had He w as .
not restrained o r impeded h y the exigenci e s o f t h e language ; ~
he rather controlled it and moulded it so t o speak to his , , ,
purposes It might be possible by a care ful study and

.
,
‘
imitatio n o f Addison or G oldsmith to f orm a good i n de p en ,
dent style o f composition Their English is fl exible ; it .
can adapt itsel f without much d ifficu l ty ( exc e pt o f course

, , ,
o n account o f its surpassing beauty to the peculia ities f

) r o ,
other minds It is not so w ith Charles Lamb s writin gs

.
’
.
Hi s s tyle is rigid an d cannot be copied o r adapted

, It is .
E l i a s E ngl i s h
’
To imitate it would be mere m im icry
. .
Sometimes it al m ost seems as i f t h e impe dim ent in Lamb s

’
e e ch h a d i n fl uenced his style H i e tences are o f ten

p s s n .
very short wi th f requent and lon g pauses

, but brilliant -
su ggestive . Hi s ideas succ e ed each other with wonderful

re n n e s s and pro fusion : they see m to spring perfect from
"
xx A B I O G RA P H I C AL E SSAY O N EL I A
Th e list o f his friends includ es Coleridge Wo , ,
Haz litt Leigh Hunt God w in B ernard B arton

, , ,
.
,
Southey Thelwall Manning Charles Lloyd H

, , , , .
son Dyer Barry Cornwall and a host o f o th

, , ,
these men celebrated o r un k nown

, ,
opinions various oddities and repelli

, ,
have gathered round Charles L amb as a common centre

where the disco rdant elements could meet in harmony It .
was this made Lamb s Wednesday evenings so delightful ’

.
There is a wea k ness o f Charles Lamb s closely c o n ’
, .
n ec t e d with his social habits which ought not to be u n
noticed —his fondness fo r spirituous liquors This failing

,
o f his has o f te n been greatly exaggerated but there i s no ,
doubt i t existed The fact seems to be that Lamb had a

.
constitutional craving fo r exhilarating d rinks ; and the

relie f they gave him from the d r ead fu l a n xiety and depre e
sion caused by his sister s precarious health an d o f t en ’
.
recurring il l ness tempted him to i n d u l ge in them to an

—
~
,
e xtent which while it would have been moderation to a

stronger man —to his delicate an d sensitive organization
,
was excess It was not the mere excitement o f d rin k ing

.
that fascinated him : it was the relaxation the forgetf u l ,
ness o f care the confidence the read y fl o w o f words to

, ,
embody the conceptions o f his ever f r uitf u l fancy that -
gave an almost irresistible charm to brandy and water ‘ - -
A t o n e time he and his S ister resolved to give u p alco

,
holic drin k s altogether As f o r Mary he in formed Miss .

,
Words w orth she has taken to water li k e a hung ry otter

, .
I t o o limp after her in lame imitation but it goes against

, , ,
.
me a little at fi rst I have been acquaintance with it.
now fo r full fo ur days and it seems a I am full o f

,
cramps and rheumatism s and cold internally so that fire , ,
won t warm me ; yet I bear all fo r V irtue s sak e

’
.
Total ’
.
abstinence plainly did not agree with hi m and w as soon ,
given up Ano t her o f Lamb s weaknesses was s moki ng Of

.
’
.
this habit a f ter several fruitless attempts he really s u c

, ,
”
ce e d e d i n breaking hi m sel f H is F arewell t o To b ac c o .
“
l
written during one o f thes e i n e fl e c t u al struggles S hows ,
w ith wh a t f eeling s Lamb reg arded the

”
G R EA T PL A N T .
A B I O G RA P HI C AL E SSA Y ON E LI A xx i
Some f ragments Lamb

s stammering tal k in which ’
of ,
thought and feeling and quaint humour so strangely mingled ,
have been preserved They are naturally al m ost all pieces

.
, ,
o f broad f u n and can give no idea o f the ord inary style o f

,
his conversation The mad dest quibble even he ever

.
u ttered w as surely the ans w er he gave to a lady who had
been boring him with a rather fatiguin g dissertation upon

”
her l o v e fo r her children : An d pray Mr Lamb said S h e , .
,
”
at last ,
how d o y o u li k e children ? B b boiled ma a m - -
,
’
In 1 8 25 Lamb was released from h i s dru dgery at the India

House and retired upon a pension amounting to t w o thi rds
,
-
of his salary H e survived nine yea r s

. The illness that .
ul ti m ately proved fatal w as caused by a fall which induced ,
ery ipelas in t h e head H e sank rapidly and died o n the

s .
,
27 t h o f D ecember 1 8 3 4 only five days a f ter the accident

, ,
occurred H is S ister Mary survive d h i m several years

. .
I think Charles Lamb s right place in literature is with ’
G oldsmith and a fe w others amo n g writers th at we l ove

, , .
There may be lo ftier niches in the Temple o f Fame but ,
none we may be sure in w hich El ia would rather have

, ,
c hosen to s t and We read Shak espeare and the deepest

.
,
impression le f t o n o u r mind is a feeling o f wonder t hat o n e

human mind could ever have conceived and written his
l ay S and poems D O we lo ve Sha k espeare D oes any
?
p . o n e
ever eel intimate with

f h i m ? D o w e attem pt to shape
him in th e mind s eye at all ? I S he not rather an abs tr acti on
—
’
the dramatist — t h e vague outlines o f who s e for m we never

try to resolve into something clear and definite ? Of course
we have all seen pictures o f Shakespeare : m assive fea
tures surmo u nted by a loft y forehead ; a pointed beard
,
:
.
We recognise him at a glance But d oes the familiar face .
ever ri s e u p before us in reading his plays ? D o we eve r

think o f Sha k espeare then ? An d do we feel anything li k e
the pleasur e in a portrait o f Shakespeare that we do i n
l ooking at G oldsmi t h s u gly face ; redeemed by its touching
’
express ion o f impending pain ?
D o we l ove Milton ? l t h i n k not We r ever ence h i m

’
. .
When we read his sonnet o n his blindness o r o n his de ,
c ea s e d W fe is n o t the n a tural emotion o f pity f o r the m a

i ,
n
xx u A B I O G RA P HI C AL E SSAY ON EL I A
altogether over w h elmed by o u r admiration o f the power bl
the poet I t would not be so i f we real l y l o ved him Dc
?
.
we feel anythin g like the interest in Sha k espeare s o r i n ’
Milton s li fe that we do i n G oldsmith s ? An d does not the

’ ’
interest we do feel arise f r om cur i o si ty ra t h er than a ffe ction ?

We may know t o o much o f them They do not appeal to .
us as men but as writers We can d e rive no additional

,
.
pleasure from their wo r k s by k nowing t h e i r h i s t o ry ; but

it might be a severe sho c k to discover that they were subject
t o the common weaknesses an d failings o f mankind It is .
better o u r thou gh ts o f t he m should be vague

But with G oldsmith an d Jh ar l e s Lamb it I s not so We
‘
.
cannot know to o much o f them We cannot spare o n e to uch

.
from t h e picture ; n o t even a de fect They appeal to us

.
not only as writers but as men We d o not feel it a shoc k

, .
to discover their weaknesses They li v e in their writings ;

.
they become our friends they pos s ess ou r hearts by virtu e

o f their complete humanity ; th e y reconcil e us with the
Imperf ections of o u r c o m m On nature ; their very failing s

endear them to u s the more .
There may be a literary im mortality superi or to this b u t ,
there can hardly be one more attractive The heights o n .
which Shakespeare and Milton stand are lof ty unattainable

dazzling—b u t cold they are too high fo r sympathy t o reach
, ,
Fo r Charles Lamb we love to anticipate a warmer pla c e

a home in the popular hear t The E ssays wil l be like the
.
b oks O f which Elia speak s S O delightfully

o Ho w beau
tif ul to a genuine lover o f reading are the sullied leaves an d
worn ou t appearance n ay the very odour ( beyond russia )
-
.
, ,
if we would n o t f orget k i n d feelings in fastidiousness ,
o f an o l d circulating library Tom J ones o r Vicar of ’ ‘

-
Wakefield ! Ho w t hey S peak o f the thousand thumbs

tha t have turned over their page s with delight !
Wh o woul d h ave them a whit less soiled ? What be tter
condition could we desire to see them in ?
THE E S SA Y S OF EL I A
TH E SOU T H SE A H O US E
-
in thy passage f rom the Bank—w h ere thou h as t

E AD ER ,
been receiving thy hal f yearly dividends ( supposi ng
thou art a lean annuitant l ike myself )—to the F lower Po t
-
to secure a place f o r D alston o r Sh ac k l e w e l l or some other

—
, ,
thy suburban retreat northerly didst thou never Observe

a melancholy looking handsome brick and stone edifice
-
, , ,
t o the le ft where Th r e ad n e e d l e S treet abuts u pon Bishops

,
gate ? I dare say thou hast o ften admired its magnificen t

portals ever gaping wide and dis closing to view a gra ve ,
court with C loisters and pillars with few o r no traces o f
goers i n o r comers out —

, ,
-
a desolation someth i ng li k e Bal
-
cl u th a s
’
*
This was Once a house o f trade —a centre o f busy inte r

.
e s tS The throng o f merchants was here — the q uick pulse

o f gain —
.
and here some forms o f business are still kept up ,
though the soul be long since fl ed H ere are still to be .
seen stately porticos ; imposing staircases o fi c e s roomy as

—
,
the state apartments in palaces deserted o r thinly peopled ,
w ith a fe w straggling clerks ; the s till more sacred interiors

o f court and committee rooms w ith venerabl e f aces o f
beadles door keepers—director s seated in form o n S olemn

,
days (to proclaim a dead dividend ) at long worm eaten -
tables that h ave been mahogany wi t h tarnished gil t

, ,
le ather coverings supporting massy S ilver inks ta nd s long

,
I p assed b y th e wall s of t
Bal cl u h a , an d t h e y were d e so l ate .
OSS I AN
2 E SSAY S O F EL I A
since dry —the o ak e rr wainscot s hung with pictures o f

deceased governors and sub governors o f Queen An n e an d
—
-
, ,
the two first monarchs o the Brunsw c dynasty huge

f i k
charts which subse qu ent discoveri es have anti quated
,
dusty maps o f Mexico dim as dre a m s and soundings o f the , ,
Bay o f Panama ! The long passages hung w ith buck ets ,
appended in idle row to walls whose substance mig h t

de fy any S hort o f the last c o n fl ag r at i o n —with vast ran ges
, , ,
, ,
of cellarage under all where dollars and pieces o f eight , ,
”
once lay an unsunned heap fo r Mammon to have solaced
hi s soli t ary heart with al —long since di s sipated o r scat
, ,
to red into air at the blast O f the break ing o f that f amou s
BUBB LE .
Such i s the SO UT H SEA H O US E At least such it was f orty

-
.
yea rs ago when I k ne w i t —a magnificent relic ! What

,
alterations may have been made in it since I have had no ,
opportunities o f veri fying Time I tak e f o r granted h as .

, ,
not freshened it N O wind has resuscitated the face o f the

.
sleeping waters A thicker crust by this time stagnates

.
upon it The moths that were then battening upon its

.
,
obsolete l o dge r s and day book s have rested from their -
depre d ations but other light generations have succeeded

, ,
making fine fretwork among their S ingle and double entries .
L ayers O f dust have accumulated ( a super foetation o f dirt !)

upon the old layers that seldo m used to be disturbed save
, ,
by some curious finger now and then i nquisitive to ex , ,
l r e t h e mode o f book keeping in Queen A nne s reign ;

’
p o -
or with less hallowed curiosity seeking to unveil some of

, ,
the mysteries o f that tremendous H O A X wh ose extent the ,
petty peculators o f our d ay look back upon with the same

expression o f incredulous admiration and hopeless ambi tion
o f rivalry as would become t h e puny f ace o f modern con
S p i r ac y contemplating the Tita n size o f Vau x s superhuman

’
pl o t .
Peace to the manes o f the B UB BLE ! Silence and d e s ti t u

tion are upon thy walls proud house fo r a memorial , ,
Situat ed as thou art in the very hear t o f stirring and

li ving commerce —amid the fret and fever o f speculation
, ,
w i th the B ank a n d t h e C ha ng e and the I n dia H ouse abou t

, ,
4 E SSAYS O F EL I A
as into a common st ock H ence t hey f ormed a s o r t o f .
Noah s ar k O dd fish es A lay monaster y D omesti c

’
-
. . .
r etainers in a great house kep t mo r e f o r S ho w than u s e
Y e t pleasan t f ellows f u ll O f chat—and n o t a f ew among

.
,
them had ar rived at considerable proficiency o n the G erm an

fl u te .
The c as hier at t hat t i m e was one Ev ans a Cam b r O Brit on ,

-
.
He had s omet h ing o f the choleric comple xion o f his countr y

men stamped on h i s vi sage b u t w as a worthy s ensible m an , ,
at bo t tom H e w e r e hi s hai r to the las t powde r ed and

.
, ,
'
f rizzed o u t in the f ash i on which I remember t o h ave s e en
,
in caricatures o f what were termed in m y young days , ,
Ma cc ar on i es H e was the las t o f tha t race o f beau x Melan

. .
c h o l y as a g r b cat o v er his counte r all the f orenoon I think

-
I see h im making up his cash ( as they call it ) w i t h tr em u

'
lous fingers as if he f eared every one b o u t him w as a

,
‘
def aulter ; in h i s hypochondry ready to imagine himself ,
o n e ; haunted at least wi t h the idea o f the possibility o f

, ,
his becoming o n e : his tr istf u l Visage clearing up a little

over his roas t neck o f veal at An d er t o n s at t w o ( w here h i s ’
picture still h angs tak en a little bef ore his death by desire
,
o f the maste r o f the co ffee ho u se which he had f requent ed -
fo r the las t fi v e an d twenty years ) b u t n o t at t aining the

- -
,
m eridi an o f its animation t ill evening brought o n the hour

o f t ea an d V isiting The simultaneous so u n d o f h i s well
. .
k nown rap at t h e doo r with t h e stroke o f t h e clock an

n o u n ci n
g six w as a t opi c o f never f ailin
, g mir t h in the -
f amilies which t his dea r o l d bachelor gladdened with hi s

presence Then w as hi s f ort e hi s glorified hour ! Ho w
.
,
w oul d he chirp and expand ove r a m u fli n Ho w would h e

dilate into secret hi s to ry ! Hi s co u ntryman Pennant hi m ,
self i n particular could n o t be more eloquent than he i n

—
, ,
r elat on
i t l d a d new London t h e S ite o f Old theatr es
churches streets gone t o decay—where Rosamond s pond
o o n ,
—
’
—
,
s tood t h e M u lbe r r y g ar d e n S an d t h e Cond

-
u i t in Cheap v
wit h many a pleasant anecdot e deri v ed f r om pater nal t r a ,
dition o f those grot es qu e figu res which Hogar th h as i m

,
mort aliz ed in h i s pictu r e o f Noon the worthy des cendant s —

o f thos e heroic conf e s sors w h o flying to t hi s countr y f rom , ,
C
T HE SO U T H SEA HO U SE -
5
th e w rath of L ouis t h e
F ou r teenth and h i s dragoons k ep t ,
a l ive t h e fl ame o f p u r e r e ligion in t h e sheltering obscuritie s
o f Ho
g L ane and t h e vicinity o f the S even D ials !
D eputy under E vans was Thomas Tame

, , He had t h e .
ai r and stoop o f a nobleman Y o u would have taken h im .
f or one had y o u met h i m i n o n e o f the passages leading t o

,
Wes tminster Hal l By stoop I mean that gentle bending o f

.
,
th e body f orwards which in great men m u s t b e supposed

'
, , ,
to be t h e e ff ect o f an habitual condescending attention to the

applications o f their in feriors While he held y o u in c on .
verse you f elt strained to the h eight in the colloquy

,
Th e .
con ference over you were at leisure to smile at the c o m

,
r a t i v e i n s i n i fi can c e o f the pretensio n s w hich h ad just

p a g
awed you His intellect w as o f the shallowest order It
. .
did not reach to a saw o r a p roverb H i s mind was in i ts .
original state of white paper A sucking babe m i gh t h ave .
posed him What was it then ? Was he rich ? Alas no

.
,
Thomas Tame was very poor Both he and his wi f e looked .
outwardly gentle folks when I fear all was n o t well at all

,
time s within Sh e had a n eat meagre person w hich it w as

.
,
evident she had not sinned in over pampering ; but in its -
veins was noble blood Sh e traced her descent by some.

,
labyrinth o f relationship which I never thoro u ghly under

stood —much less c an explain with any heraldic certainty
,
at thi s time o f day to the illustriou s but un fortu n ate

,
-
house o f D erwentwate r This w as the secret o f Thomas s ’
stoop This was th e thought t h e sentiment —t h e bright

.
solitary sta r of you r lives y e m ild an d h appy pair ,

-
which cheered y o u in the night o f intellect and in the o h ,
s cu ri t
y o f your station ! This was to y o u instead o f riches ,
instead o f rank instead o f glittering attainments : an d i t

,
-
was wo rth them al l together Y o u insulted none with it ; .
but while y o u we re it as a piece of de fen sive armou r only

,
’
no ins ult likewise could reach y o u th r oug h it D em o 6 1 .
Of quite another stamp was the then acco u ntant J oh n Tipp , .
He neither prete nde d to high blo o d n o r in good truth cared ,
one fi g about the matte r He thought an accoun tant the .
r a te t ch a racter i n t h e W orld and hi m sel f the gr e t s t

g e s a e ,
6 E SSA Y S OF EL I A
accountant in it Y e t John was not without his hobby
.
”
.
Th e fiddl e relieved hi s vacant hours H e sang cert ainly .

, ,
with other no tes than to the Orphean lyre H e did indeed .

, ,
scream and scrape most a bominably Hi s fi n e suite o f .
official rooms in Th r e adn e e d l e Street w hich without any , ,

-
thi n g very substantial appended to them were enough to ,
enlarge a man s no tions o f himsel f that lived in them (I

’
k now not who is the occupier o f them resounded fort

”
n i ghtly to the n otes o f a concer t o f sweet breasts as o u r ,
ancestors would have called them culled from club rooms

and orchestras —chorus singers —fi r s t and second v i ol o n ce l
-
, ,
los — double basses —and clarionets —who ate his cold mutton
and dran k h i s punch and praised his ear H e sat li k e L ord .
Mi das among the m B u t at the desk Tipp was quite another

.
sort o f creature Thence all ideas that were purely orn a

.
,
mental were banished Y o u could not speak of anything

,
.
romantic without rebuke Politics were excluded A . .

’
newspaper was thought too refined and ab s tracted The .
whole duty o f man consisted in writing o ff dividend war

r an t s The striking o f the annual balance in the company s ’
.
books ( whi c h perhaps di ffered from t h e balance o f last year

, ,
in the sum o f 25 l 13 6 d ) occupied his days and nights fo r

. . .
a month previous N o t t hat Tipp was blind to the deadness

.
o f thi ngs
( as th ey called them in the city ) in his beloved
house or did not sigh fo r a retur n o f the o l d stirring days
,
when South Sea hopes w ere young ( he was indeed equal

-
to the wielding o f any the most in tricate accounts o f the

m ost fl ourishing company in these o r those d ays ) but t o
a genuine accountan t th e di ff erence o f proceeds is as no
thing The f ractional farthing is as dear to his heart as t h e
.
thousands whi ch stand bef ore it He is the true actor who .

, ,
whether his part be a prince o r a peasant must act it with ,
like i n te nsity W ith Tipp f or m was every thing Hi s

. .
t
I h ave si nce b e en i n form e d , th a th e p r e sen t en an o f th e m i s a t t
t
Mr Lam b , a gen l em an wh o i s h ap p y i n th e p osses si on o f s o me c h o i c c
.
p i c t u t
res , an d am o n g h e m a r ar e p or rai of t t
i l to n , wh ich I m ea n t o do M
mysel f t h e p l easu re of go i ng to s e e , an d at th e sam e i me t o refresh my . t
t
m em o ry w i h th e sig h o f o l d scenes t
Mr Lamb has . .
the t h e racter of a
rig h t co u rte ou s an d c ommuni ca i ve coll ec o r ] t t .
T HE SO U T H SEA -
H O U SE 7
l if e w as fo rm al Hi s actions s eemed r uled with a ruler
. .
Hi s p e n w as n o t l es s e r r ing t h an his heart He made the .
b est exec u tor in t h e world he was plagued with incessant

e xecutorships ac c ordingly , which excited his spleen and
soo thed his van ity in equal ratios H e would swear (fo r .
Tipp swore ) at the little o rphans whose rights he would ,
u ard with a tenac ity like the grasp o f the dying hand that
g
comme n ded their i n terests to his protect ion W ith all this .
there was about him a sort of timidity ( his fe w en emies

used to give i t a worse name) a something which in re — ,
ve r e n c e to the dead we will place i f y o u please a little o n

, , ,
thi s side o f the heroic Nature certainly had been pleased

.
to e ndow J oh n Tipp with a su ffi cient measure o f the prin

c i p l e o f se l f preservati on
-
There is a cowardice which we
.
d o n o t despise because it has nothing base or treacherous

,
in its elements ; it betrays itself not you : it is m e re tem ,
e m e n t ; the absence o f the romantic and t h e e n t e r r i s

p ra p
ing it sees a lion in the way and will not with F ortinbras , , ,
”
“
greatly find quarr el in a straw when some supposed ,
honour is at stak e Tipp never mounted the box o f a

.
st ge coach in his life ; o r leaned against the rails o f a

a -
balcony ; or walk ed upon the ri dge of a parapet ; or looked

down a precipice o r let o ff a gun ; or went upon a water
p a rty ; or would willi ngly let y o u go i f he could have
helped it : neither was it recorded o f him that f o r lucre o r , ,
for intimidation he ever f orsook friend o r p r inciple

, .
Whom next shall we sum mon f rom the dusty dead in ,
whom common qualities become uncommon Can I f orget

thee H enry Man the wit the polished man o f letters the
, , , ,
author o f the South S e

,
a H ouse who never e n t e r ed st thy
? -
office in a m orning o r qu i t t e ds t it in mid day ( what didst -
th u in an o ffi ce
o without som e quirk that lef t a sting !
Thy gibes and thy jokes are n o w extinct o r survive but in ,
two forgot ten volumes which I had the good f ortune to ,
rescue f rom a stall in Barbican n o t three days ago and , ,
found thee terse f resh epigrammatic as alive

, Thy wit
, , .
is a little gone by in the s e fas tidious days thy topics are

”
staled by the n e w born gau ds o f the time
-
but great -
th o u us ed t o be 1n Public L edgers and i n Chron icles upon , ,

Chatham and Shelburne and R ocki ngham and Howe an d
, , , ,
Burgoyne and Clinton and the war which ended in the

, ,
tearing from G reat Britain her rebellious colonies an d ,

-
Keppel and Wilk es and Saw b r i dge and Bull and D u n

—
, , , ,
n ing and Pratt and R ichmond

,
and such small politics
,
A little l ess f acetious and a great deal more o b s t r e ,
p e r o us was fine rattling rattleheaded Plumer H e was

descended —
, , .
not in a r ight line reader ( fo r his lineal

, , ‘
pretensions like his personal favoured a little o f the

, ,
s ini ster bend rom the B lumers o f H ertf ordshire

) f -
S o .
tradition gave him o u t ; and certain family f eatures not a

little sanctioned the Opinion Certainly o l d Walter Plumer .
( his reputed author ) had been a rake in his days and visited ,
much in Italy and had seen the world He was uncle ,

.
,
bachelor uncle to the fine o l d whig still living w h o has

-
, ,
represented the county in so many successive parliaments ,
an d has a fine old mansion near Ware Walter fl ourished .
i n G eorge the Second s days and was the same who was
’
summoned be fore the H ouse o f Commons about a business

o f f ranks with the o l d D uchess o f Marlboro u gh
,
Yo u may .
read o f it in Johnson s Li f e o f Cave Cave came o ff cleverly ’

.
i n that business It is certain our Plumer did nothing t o

.
discountenance the rumour He rather seemed pleased .
wh enever it was with all gentleness insinua t ed But , , .
besides his f amily pretensions Plumer was an e ngaging ,
fellow and sang gloriously

, .
N o t so sweetly sang Plumer as thou san ge s t mi l d child , ,
lik e pas toral M

, a fl u te s breathing less divinely ’
whis p erin g than thy A rcadian melodies when in tone s , ,
worthy o f Ard en thou didst chant that song sung by ,
Amiens to the banished du k e which proclaims the winter ,
wind more lenient than fo r a man to be ungrate ful Thy .
sire was o l d surly M the unapproachable church

warden o f Bishopsgate He kne w not what he d id t w h e n .
he begat thee li k e spring gentle o ff spring o f blusterin g

, ,
winter only un fortunate in thy ending which shoul d

-
have been mild conciliatory swan lik e , ,

-
Much remains to sing Many fantastic shapes rise up

bu t they mu s t be mine in p rivate —alread y I have fooled
.
,
O XF O R D IN T HE VA C AT I O N 9
th e reader to t h e top o f his bent else could I omit that —
s trange creature Wo o l l e t t who existed in trying the que s
tion and bou ght l i tigati ons —

,
,
and still stranger inimitable , ,
sole mn H epworth from whose gravity N ewton might have

,
d educed the law of gravitation Ho w pro f oundl y would he nib

a pen —
.
with what deliberation would he wet a wafer

But it is time to close—n i ght s wheels are rattling fast
’
—
over me i t is proper to have done with t his solemn
mock ery .
R eader what i f I have be en playi n g with thee all this

while—peradventure the very names which I have sum
,
m o n e d up be fore thee are fantastic —insubstantial —like

,
He n ry Pimpernel and o l d 01111 N aps o f Greece :

,
0
Be s atisfied that something answering to them h as h ad

a be i ng . Their importance i s f rom th e past .
OXF ORD I N T HE V ACA TION .
AS TI NG a preparatory glance at the bottom o f thi s article

—as the very connoisseur in prints with cursory eye ,
( which ,
while it rea d s seems
,
as though it read not ) never ,
fails to consul t the gu ts s cu lp si t 1 n the corner be fore b e pro ,
n o u n c e s some ra r e piece to be a Vivares o r a Wo o l l e t ,
methinks I h ear you exclaim R eader Who is E l i a 9 , ,
Beca u se in my last I tri e d to divert thee with some half ~
forgotten h u mours o f som e o l d clerks de f unct in an o l d ,
house o f bus iness long since gone to decay ; d oubtless y o u

,
'
have already s e t me down in your mind as o n e Of th e self;

s am e college — a v o t ai
y o f the des k —a notched and cr e t
p
—
,
s crivener one that suck s his sustenance as certain sick ,
people are said to do through a quill

, .
Well I do agni se something o f th e so rt I con fess th at

—
.
,
it is my humour my ancy i n t h e fo r e p a1 t o f the day

,
f ~
,
when the mind o f your man o f letters re quires some relax

—
ation (and none better than such as at first sight s eems
most abhor rent f rom his beloved stu di es l t o while aw ay
B
IO E SSAY S OF EL I A
some n Od hours o f my ti me in the contemplation o f
i n digos c o ttons r aw silks p i e c e go o d s fl owered o r O t her
, , ,
~
,
w is e In the first place i i i a t f r

ae t
.
an d then it sends you home with such increased appetite
to your book s
“ i i a 9 f f t
not to say that your ou t side sheets and waste wrappers o f

, ,
foolscap do receive in to them most k indly and naturally

—
, , ,
the ,
impression o f sonnets epigra m s es sa ys s o that the , ,
very parings o f a counting house are in some sort t h e -
, ,
settings up o f an author The enfranchised quill that h as .

,
plodded all the morning among the cart rucks o f figures -
and ciphers f risks and curvets so at its ease over the

,
fl owery carpet grou n d o f a midnight dissertation

-
I t f eels .
-
i ts promotion .
So that y o u see upon the whole the li terary dignity o f

Eli a is very little i f at all compro m
, ,
ised i n the conde

, ,
scension .
N o t that in my anxious detail o f the many commoditie s

,
incidental to the life o f a public offi ce I would be thought ,
blind to certai n fl aws which a c u n n 1n g carper might be ,
abl e to pick in this Joseph s vest An d here I must have ’

.
leave in the f ulness o f my soul t o regret the ab ol i t i pn

, , .
,
an d d o m
g away with-
altogether o f those
-
con solatory inte r ,
—
s t i e s and sprinklings o f f reedom through the f our seasons
c , , ,
t h e r ed l etter d ays n o w become to all intents and pur

-
, ,
poses dead l etter days There was Paul and Ste phen an d
,
-
.
, ,
Barnabas
A n dr e w an d J h n m n famo us i n o l d ti m e s o , e
-
were used to keep all their days holy as long ba
we ck as ,
i
W hen I w as at scho ol a t Christ s I remember their e fli g e s
’
.
,
by the same token in the old Baskett Prayer Book There

hung Pe t er i n his uneasy posture—holy Bartlemy 1n the
.
,
troubl esome act o f fl ayi n g a fter the famous Marsy as b y

Sp agn o l e t t i —I honou red t hem all and could almo st have
,
' '
.
,
Wept the de f alcation o f Iscariot s o much did we love t o .

-
ke ep 116137 m e m ome s sac r ed : only me thought I a little -
g rudged at the coaliti on o f t h e better J ud e with Simon

cl ubbin g ( as it were ) th e i r san ctities toget he r t o make up ,
12 ESS A Y S O F EL I A
tal l trees o f Christ s the groves o f Magdalen ! Th e h al l s
’
,
deserted and with open doors inviting o n e to slip in u n

, ,
p e rceived and
,
pay a devoir to some F ounder o r noble or ,
royal Bene f actress ( that should have been ours ) whose
portrait seems t o s m i l e upon their over look e d b eadsman

,
-
and to adopt me for their o w n Then to t ak e a peep in by .

,
the way at the butteries and sculleries redolent o f antique , ,
hospitality : the immense cave s o f kit chens k itchen fi r e ,
places cordial re cesses ; ovens whose first pies were baked

,
f our centu r ies ago ; and S pits which have cooked fo r

C h aucer ! N o t the meanest min ister among the dishes but
is hallowed to me through his imagination and the Cook ,
goes f orth a Manciple .
Antiqui t y ! thou wondrous charm what art thou ? that , ,
being nothing art every thing ! When thou wer t thou

wert not antiquity —then thou wert nothing but hads t a
, ,
,
'
r emoter an ti u i ty as thou calledst i t to loo k back t o with

q , ,
blind veneration ; thou thysel f being to thyself fi at j ejune , ,
m od er n 1 What m yste r y lurks in this retroversion or
what hal f Januses are we that cannot look forward with ,
the same idolatry with which w e f o r ever rever t ! The

mighty fut ure is as nothing bein g eve rything the past is ,
everything being nothing !

,
What were thy d ar k a ges Surely the sun rose as »
brightl y then as now and m an got him to his work in t h e

,
morning Wh y is it we can never hear mention of them

? ‘
without an accompanying feeling as though a p alpable

'
,
obscure had dimmed the f ace o f things and t h at o u r .
ancestors w andered to and f r o groping !

Above all thy rarities o l d O xen ford what do m ost , ,
arride and solace me ; are thy repositories o f mouldering

learnin g thy shelves
,
What a plac e t o be in is an o l d library ! It seems as

though all the souls o f all the writers that have bequeathed ,
their labours to these B o d l e i an s were reposing here as i n , ,
some dormitory o r middle state I do n o t want to handle

, .
,
to profan e the leaves their winding sheets I could as ,

-
s o o n dislodge a shade I seem to inh ale l e a r ning wal k ing

.
,
'
J anus e s f o ne f e S I3 T H O MAS B s om
o ac . 1 .
O XF O R D IN T HE V A C A T I O N 13
a m id their foli age an d th e odour of their old moth scente d -
coverings i s fragrant as the first bloo m o f those sciential

apples which grew amid the happy orchard .
S till less have I curiosity to disturb the elder repose o f

MSS Those var i es l ecti ones so te m pting to the more erudite
.
,
palates do but disturb and unsettle my faith I am no

,
. .
Herculane an raker The credit o f the three witnesses

.
m ight have slept unimpeached f o r me I leave these .
c uriosities to Porson and to G D who m by the w ay I , . .

-
, ,
f ound busy as a moth over some rotten archive rummaged ,
o u t o f some seldom explored press i n a nook at O riel

-
, .
With long poring he is grown almost i nto a book He

, .
stood as passive as o n e by the side o f t h e o l d shelves I .
longed to new coat him in r u ssia and assign him his place
-
, .
He might have mustered f o r a t all Scapula .
D is assiduous in his visits t o these seats o f learn ing

. .
No inconsiderable portion o f h i s moderate f ortune I app r e ,
hend is consumed in j ourneys between them and Cli ff ord s ’
Inn —where lik e a dove o n the asp s nest he has lo n g

,
’
, ,
taken up his unconscious abode amid an incon gruous ,
assembly o f atto r neys attor neys clerks apparitors pro ’
, , ,
m o t e r s vermin o f the law among whom he sits

,
in calm , ,
”
and sinless peace The f an gs o f the law pierce him n o t
.
th e winds o f litigation b l ow over his humble chambe r s

the hard sheri ff s offi cer moves his hat as he passes —
’
legal
nor illegal discourtesy touches him—none thinks o f o ff er
ing violence o r injustice to him —y o u would as soon
”
strik e an abstract idea .
D has been e n gaged he tells me thro u gh a course o f

.
(
, ,
laborious years in an investigation into all curiou s matter

,
connected with the two Universities ; and has l ately lit

upon a MS collection o f charters relative to C by
which he h Op e s to settle some disputed points —par ti en
.
,
l ar l y that long con t roversy betwee n them as to priority o f

foundation The ardour with wh ich he en gages i n these
.
liberal pursuits I am afraid has not met with all the en

, ,
'
c o u r age m e n t it deserved either here o r at C Yo ur
,
c aputs and heads o f coll eges care less than anybody els e
,
ab o u t these question s —
C o n te n ted to su ck th e m il ky foun
,
14 E SS A Y S or »
EL I A
tains th e ir Alma Mate rs without in quiring into the
of ,
venerable gentlewomen s years they rather h old such

’
—
,
curiosities to be impertinent u n r e v e r e n d They have w

.
'
.
their good glebe l ands i n m ama and care not m uch to rak e
"
into the title deeds I gather at least so much from other

-
.
s ources f o r D is not a man to complain

,
.
.
D started li k e an unbr oke hei f er when I interrupted

. ,
A p r i or z it was not very probable that we should

'
him .
have met in Oriel But D would have done the same . .

,
had I accosted him o n the sudden in his o w n walks i n

‘
‘
Cli ff ord s Inn o r in the Te m ple In add ition t o a pro

’
,
.
vok i n
g
short sighted n ess ( the e ff ect
-
o f late studies an d
watchings at t h e midnight o il ) D is the most absent o f .
men He m ade a call the o ther morning at o u r friend

.
M s in Bedford Square ; and finding nobody at home was

"
’
. , ,
ushered into the h al l p w h e r e ask in g fo r pen an d i n k with , ,
grea t exactitude o f purpose he e n ters me his n ame in t h e ‘
book —which ordinarily l i es about in such places to record

the failures o f the untimely o r unfortunate visitor —and
.
tak es his leave with many ceremonies and pro fessions of ,
r egret Some two o r three hours af ter his wal k ing des ti
.
,
nies returned h i m into the same neighbourhood again and

again the quiet image o f the firesid e circle at M s —
,
Mrs .
’
.
M presiding at it lik e a Quee n L ar w ith pretty A S at

’
her side —strik ing irresistibly o n his fancy h e mak es

. , . .
another call (forgetting that they were certai nl y not to

return from the country be fore that day week and dis
appointed a second time inquir e s fo r pen an d paper as ,
before : again the book is brought and in t h e l i n e j u s t ,

.
above that in which he is about to print his second name

his r e script —his first name scarce dry loo s u t upon
( ) -
( ) k o
him li k e another Sosia or as i f a m an should suddenly

—
,
encounter his o Wn duplicate The e ff ect may be con

c eive d D mad e many a good resolution against any
. .
such lapses in future I hope he Will n o t keep th em t o o .
rigorously
—
.
Fo r with G D t o be absent f rom the body is some

. .
,
times ( not t o speak i t profanely) t o be present with the

.
Lord At the very time w hen person all e nc ou nteri ng

.
y ,
O XF O RD I N T HE V A C AT I O N 15
thee he pass es
, re on o r bei n
with g s t
no o
pp e
. d c o gniti on s i —— , ,
S t ar t s l i k e a th ing surprised at th at moment r e ader h e
—
is o n Mount Tabor o r Par nassus —o r féo s phered w i th
w
-
, ,
—
-
Plato o r with Harrin gton framing immortal common “
—
.
, ,
w ealths devising s ome plan Of amelioration t o t h y

co untry , o r thy species peradventu re meditating some — '
indiv i du al ki ndness or cou rtesy to be d o n e t o thee thys elf

'
, ,
th e re turning consciousnes s o f which ma de h i m to start s o '
guiltil y at t h y obtruded p e rso nal presence :

c ommenced li f e af ter a course Of hard stu d y in th e
[ D . ,
”
house Of pure E manuel as usher to a knavish fanatic ,
'
schoolmaster at at a sala ry o f eight pounds pe r

annum with board and lodging Of this poor stipen d he
,
.
,
never r eceived above h alf in all the laborious years h e '
served thi s m an He t el l s a pleasant anecdote that when

.
,
p overty staring o ut a t h is ragged knees has s ometimes

’
, ,
compelled him against t h e modesty o f hi s nature to hint

,
.
,
at arr ears D r “
would take no immediate no tice but
,
.
9
,
after supper when the school was called together to even

,
song he would never fail to introduce some instructive

,
homily agains t riches and the corruption o f the heart o c

—
,
cas i o n e d through the desire Of them ending with L ord ,
keep Thy s ervants above all things fro m the heinous sin , ,
o f avarice Having food and raiment let us therewithal be

content G ive me Agur s wis h — and t h e lik e—which
.
,
’
.
,
to t h e little auditory sounded like a doctrine full o f ,
Chr istian prudence and simplicity but to po or D was a , .
receip t in full f o r that quarter s demand at le ast ’

.
An d D h as been under w ork ing fo r himself ever s in ce ;

.
-
drud ging at l o w rates fo r unappreciating book sellers ,
wasting hi s fine erudition in silent corre c t ion s O f t h e

classics and in those unostentatious but solid services t o
,
le arn i ng which commonly f all to the lot Of laboriou s

scholar s who have not the heart to sell thems elves to the
,
best advantage He h as published poems which do n o t.

,
'
sell ,
because their char act er is unobtr u sive like his o w n , ,
and bec ause he h as bee n too much abs o rbed i n ancien t
li te rature to know what the pop u la r m ark in p oetry is .
even if he c o ul d h ave hi t i t And the re fore his verses .

, ,
16 ESS A Y S OF EL I A
are properly what he term s t hem crotchets ; vol untari es
, ,
Odes to liberty and sp ring ; e ffusions ; litt le tributes an d

o ff erings le f t behi nd him upon tables and window seats at
,
-
par ting from friends houses ; and from all the inns o f ’
hospitality where he has bee n cou r teously ( or b u t toler

,
ably ) received in his pilgrimage I f his muse o f kindness .
hal t a little behin d the stron g lines i n fashion i n this

excitement loving age his prose is the best o f the sort in
-
the world and exhibi ts a faithful transcript o f his o w n

,
healthy natural mind and cheerf ul innocent tone o f co n

, , ,
.
versa t ion
] .
D is delightf ul anywhere but he is at the best in such

.
,
places as these He cares not much fo r Bath H e is o u t

. .
O f his element at Buxton at S carborough o r H arrowgate , , .
The Cam an d the Isis are to him better than all t h e

”
w aters o f D amascus On the Muses hill he is happy , and
’
.
good as o n e o f the Shepherds o n the D electable Mountains

,
and when he goes about w ith you to show you t h e halls .
and colleges you think y o u have w ith you t h e Interprete r

,
at the H ouse Beauti f ul .
C H RI ST S ’
H OSPI TAL
F I VE A ND TH I RT Y Y EARS AGO .
N Mr Lamb s Works published a year o r two s in ce I

.
’
, ,
find a magnificent eulogy on my old school such as it *

,
was or now appears to him to have been between the years

, ,
1 7 8 2 and 1 7 8 9 It happens very Oddly that my o w n

.
, ,
standing at Christ s was nearly corresponding with his ; ’
an d w i t h all gratitude to him fo r his enthusiasm f o r t h e

, ,
cloisters I think he h as contrived to bring together what

,
ever can be said i n praise o f t hem dropping al l the other ,
side O f the argument most ingeniously .
I remember L at s chool ; and can we l l recollect that h e

.
h ad some peculiar advantages which I an d others o f h i s ,
Recol lec ti ons o f Ch rist s Hos p ital

’
.
C HR I ST S HO SP I T AL
’
17
s choolfe llows had not Hi s f rien ds l iv e d i n to w n an d were

’
.
,
near at hand and h e h ad th e p rivil e ge o f going to see them ,
almost as Of ten as he wished through so me inv idious di s t i n c ,
tion which was denied to us Th e present worthy sub

,
.
treasur er to the Inner Temple can explain h o w that hap

pened H e h ad his tea and h ot ro ll s m a morning , whi l e
we were batten ing upon our quarter o f a penny loaf—o u r
.
wag— moistened with attenu ate d small beer in wooden ,
piggins smacking O f the pitched leathern jack it was poured

,
from O u r Monday s milk p or r i t ch blue and tasteless and

’
.
, ,
the pease soup Of Saturday coarse and choking were eu , ,
riched for him with a slice o f extraordinary br ead and '
butter from the hot loaf o f the Temple The Wednesday s

,
-
.
’
mess o f millet somewhat less repugnant ( we h ad three

banyan to four meat days in the w ee k ) —
,
was e n deared t o
his palat e with a lump o f d ouble r efi n e d and a smack O f -
ginger (to make it go down the m ore glibly) o r the fragrant

'
cinnamon In lie u o f o u r half p ickl ed Sundays o r quite f r esh

.
-
boiled bee f o n Thursdays ( strong as car o equi na) with de ,
te stable marigolds fl oating in the pail to po is on the broth

Our s canty mutton scrags o n Fridays —and rather more sa
v our
y but,
grudgin g portions o f the same fl esh ,rotten ,
roasted o r rare o n t h e Tuesdays ( the only dish which

,
excited our appetites and disappointed o u r s tomachs in

almost equal proportio n) —h e had his hot plate o f roast veal
, ,
o r the more tempting griskin ( exotics unknown to o u r
palates ) cook e d in the paternal kit chen ( a great thing) an d

, ,
brought h i m d aily by his maid o r aunt ! I remember th e

good Old r elative (i n whom love f orbade pride ) squatting
down upon some Odd stone in a b y nook Of the cloisters -
disclosing the viands ( o f higher regale than those cates

which t h e ravens ministered to the Tishbite) ; and the c o n
tending passions of L at the un folding There was love fo r . .
the bringer shame fo r the thing brought and the manner

, ,
Of its bringing sympathy for those who were t o o many t o

s hare m it ; and at t o p O f all hunger ( e ldest strongest
, , ,
O f th e p assions !) predominant breakin g down the st on y ,
fences o f shame an d aw kwar dn e s s an d a tro ublin g ove r~

, ,
eo nSc i o u s n e s s .
I was a poor frien dles s bo y My parent s and those wh o .
,
s houl d c ar e f or me w ere f ar aw ay Those f ew acquaint an ce s

,
.
of t hei rs w hich t hey could reckon upon as bei ng kind t o me

,
i n th e great cit y aft er a l ittle f orced not ice whi ch t hey h ad

, ,
th e grace to t ake o f me on m y fi rst arrival in t own soon

.
,
g rew t i red o f m y holiday visi t s They seemed t o them t o .
r ecur t o o Oft en th ou gh I t hought t hem f e w enough an d

'
, ,
o n e a ter another t hey all f ailed me an d I f elt mysel f al on e

f , ,
amo n g si x hun dre d playmates .
.
O t h e cruelty Of sep arating a poor lad f rom his early
homestead The yearnings which I u sed to have towards
it in those u n fl e dge d years ! Ho w in m y dreams w ould my , ,
n ativ e town ( far in the w est ) come bac k wi th its c h u r c h s an d ,
t rees ,
and f aces H o w I wo u ld wak e weeping an d in the ,
anguish o f my heart exclaim upon swee t Calne in Wiltshire
To this late hour Of my life I trace impressions left by ,
th e recollection o f tho se friendless holidays The l ong warm .
days o f summer neve r return but they bring with th em a

gl oom f rom th e h aunting memory o f those whol e day leaves - -
when by some s trange arrangement we were tu r ned o u t

, , ,
fo r the live long day upon o u r o w n h ands wheth er we h ad

-
, ,
friends t o go to or no ne I r e m e m be r tho s e bathing excur

, .
-
mo m to the N e w R iver which L recalls with such relish

better I think than he can —fo r he was a home seek ing lad
.
, ,
—
-
, , ,
and did n o t much care fo r such water pastimes z Ho w mer -
rily we would sally f orth in t o the fie l ds and strip under

t h e first warmth o f the s u n ; and wanton like young dace
in the streams ; gett ing us appetites for noon which those
”
,
o f us that we 1 e penniless ( our scanty morning crust long
S ince e xhausted ) had n o t the mean s Of allaying—while the

cattle and the birds and the fishes were at f eed about 11s
, , , ,
and we had nothing t o satisfy our cravings t h every b eauty -
O f th e day and the exerc i se o f the pastime and the sense O f
libert y setting a k eener edge u pon them — Ho wfaint and

, ,
l anguid finally we would return towards n igh t fall to o u r

desired morsel half r ej o i c i n g h al f reluctant that t h ehours
, , , ,
- -
, , ,
o f our u neasy liberty h ad expired !
It was worse i n th e days Of winter to go p 1 owling about

—
,
th e s h e e ts Objectless shivering at cold windows o f prin t

20 ESSAY S O F EL I A
leads Of the war d as they cal l ed o u r dormitories Thi s
, .
game went o n fo r better than a week till the foo lish beast
not able to fare well but he must cry roast meat—happier
, ,
than Caligula s minion could he have kept his o w n counsel

’
—
,
but f oolisher alas ! than any o f his species i n the

fab l es—waxing fat and kicking in the f ulness O f bread
, ,
, , ,
o n e unl ucky minute would needs proclaim hi s good f ortune
to the world below and laying o u t his simple throat , ,
blew such a ram s horn blast as (toppling down the walls

’
,
o f his o w n Jericho set concealment any longer at efian e

) d c .
The client was di smissed with certain attentions to Smith , ,
fi e l d ; but I never understood that the patron underwent

any censure o n the occasion This was in the stewardship .
o f L s admired Perry
’
. .
U nder t h e same f a ci l e administration can L have f o r , .
gotten the cool impunity with which the nurses used t o

carry away Openly in open platters fo r their o w n tables
, , ,
o n e o u t o f two o f every hot j oint which the care f u l matro n ,
h ad been seeing scrupulously weighed o u t f o r o u r dinners ?

These things were daily practised in that magni fi cent
apartment which L (grown connoisseur S ince we presume )
,
.
,
praises so highl y fo r the grand paintings by Ve r ri o an d

”
others with which it is hung round and adorned
,
But .
the sight Of sleek well fe d blue coat boys in pictures was - -
at th at time I believe little consolatory to him o r us the

, , , ,
living Ones who saw the better part Of o u r provis ions

,
carried away before o u r faces by harpies ; and our selv es

reduced ( with the Trojan in the hall o f D ido )
To fee d o r m i n d with idl e p ort i ture
u ra .
L has recorded the repugnance o f t h e school t o gags o r

.
,
the fat O f f resh bee f boile d ; and se t s it down t o some

superstition But these unctuous m orsels are never
.
grate ful to young palates ( children ar e un i versall y fat .
haters ) and in strong coarse boil ed meats u ns al ted are

, , , , ,
detestable A gag eater in o u r time w as equivalent to a

.
-
gou l e an d held
,
i n e q ual detestatio n su ff ere d u n d m .
'
the imputation : T m said

.
‘ s
He ate stran ge fle h s .
C H R I ST S H O SP I T AL
’
21
He was Observed after dinner caref ully to gath e r u p

, ,
the remnants lef t at h is table (not many nor very choice

f ragments y o u may credit m e ) —
,
,
and in an especial ,
ma nner these disreputable morsel s which he would convey

, ,
away and secretly stow in the settle that s t ood at his bed
,
side N one s aw when he ate them It was rumoured that

. .
he privately devoured them in the night H e was watched .

,
but no traces o f such mi dnight practices were discoverable .
Some reported that o n leave days he h ad been seen to

, ,
-
carry o u t o f the bounds a large blue check handk erchie f ,
f ull o f something This then m ust be the accursed thing

. .
Conjecture next was at work to imagine how he could

dispose O f it Some said he sold it t o the beggars This
. .
belie f generally prevailed H e went about moping N one . .
spake to him NO o n e would play with him He was. .
excommunicated ; put out o f t h e pale o f the school He .
was to o powerf ul a boy to be beaten but he underwent ,
every mode o f that negative punishment which is more ,
grievous than many stripes Still he persevered At . .
leng th he w as observed by two o f his schoolf ellows who ,
were determined to get at the secret and had traced him ,
o n e leave day f o r the purpose

-
to enter a large worn out ,
-
building such as there exist specimens O f i n Chancery

,
Lane whi ch are let o u t to various scales O f pauperism wi th

, ,
o pen door and a common staircase

, Af ter him they silently .
s lunk in and f ollowed by stealth up f our fl ights and saw

, ,
h i m tap at a poor wicket which was opened by an aged ,
woman me an ly clad ! Suspicion was n o w ripened into

,
cert ainty The informers had secured their victim They

. .
'
h ad h i m in their toils A ccusation was f ormally pre ferred

.
,
and retribution most signal w as look ed fo r Mr Hathaway . .

,
t h e then steward ( fo r this happened a little af ter my time ) ,
w ith th at patient sagacity which tempered all his conduct ,
de termined t o investigate t h e matter bef ore he proceeded ,
to sentence The resu lt was that th e supposed mendicants

.
, ,
the rece ivers o r pu rchasers o f the mysterious scraps turned

’
—
o u t t o be the parents of an h onest couple come to
decay wh om th is seasonable supply had in all p roba
, ,
b il i t y saved f rom m e n di c an oy ; an d that th i s young sto rk

, ,
at the expens e o f his own good n ame had all this while
—
,
been only feedi n g the Old birds The governors o n this

!
occasion much to their honour voted a present relie f to the
, ,
f amily o f and presente d h i m with a silver medal The .
lesson which the steward read upon RA SH J UDGMENT on the ,
occasion o f publicly delivering the medal to I believe

would not be lost upon h i s auditory I had left school — ,
then but I well remember

,
H e was a tall shambling ,
youth with a cas t in his eye n o t at all calculated to con

, ,
ciliate hostile prejudices I h ave since seen him carry in g .
a bak er s bask et I think I heard he did not do quite so

’
.
well by himself as he had done by t h e Old f ol k s .
I was a hypochondriac lad ; and the sight o f a boy in

f etters upon the day O f my first putting on the blue
,
clothes w as not exactly fitted to assuage the natural

,
terrors o f initiation I was Of tender years barely turned .

,
o f seven ; and had o nly read o f such things i n b o o k s or ,

a
seen them but in dreams 1 was told he had r an away g
This was the punishment fo r the first off enc e —As a novice
. .
I was soon after taken to see the dungeons These were .
little squ are Bedlam cells where a b o y could just lie at

his length upon stra w and a blanket—a mattress I think
, , ,
was afterwards substituted—with a peep o f light let in

, ,
askance f rom a prison o r ifi c e at top barely enough t o read

,
-
by H ere the poor boy was lock ed in by himsel f all day

.
,
without sight o f any but the porter who brought him his
bread and water — who mi ght not sp eak to him O r Of the ,
—
beadle who came twice a week to call him o u t to receive
,
his periodical chastisement which was almost welcome , ,
because it separated him f o r a brief interval from solitude

and here he was shut up by himsel f of nights o u t O f the ,
reach Of any sound to su ff er whatever horrors the weak

, ,
'
n e r y es and superstition incident to his time O f li fe might

, ,
s ubject hi m to This was the penal ty fo r the second

*
.
O ne o t wo i n tance s o f l
r y r ttem p te d su i c i d e acco d in gl y
s . u n ac ,
o a , r ,
at l e gth c o n vi n c e d th
n gov n o s f th e i m p o l i e
y o f th i s p a t
er f t h e r o c r O
s n te ce a d t h e m i d n i gh t to t
e n ,
n e t o th e Sp i i ts was di p ens d wi th r ur r s e .
t O f Ho war d b i n
'
Th i s fan y o f d n geo n s fo ch il d n was a sp

’ ’
c u r re r ou s ra
e d u e to H ol y Pa l ) m eth i nk s I co ul d
" ’
f
or wh i h (s i g t h
c reav n e r e ve nc u
wi ll i ngl y s p i t u
po n h is S t at u e .
C H R I ST S HO SP I T AL
’
23
l o fl en ce Woul ds t t h o u lik e ; read er

’ '
. of ,
him in the next degree ?

The culprit Wh o had been a third time an o ff ender an d
, ,
w hose expulsion was at this time d ee m ed irreversible w as ,
brought forth as at some solemn auto da f é arrayed in

,
~
“ ‘
—
‘
11n co u t h an d most app alli n g a ttire a l l t r ac e o f his l ate

’
~ '
‘
*
” "
“
watchet weeds carefully e if ac e d he was exposed i h ,
‘
’ ’
j ack et resembli ng those which London lampl i ghters fo r

merly delighted m with a cap o f the sam
,
, e The e ffect Of ‘
this divestiture was such as the ingeni ous d evis ers Of ai t

could h ave anticipated With his pale and frighted fea .
tures ; it was as i f some o f those d i s fi gu r e m e n t s l n D ante ”
had seized upon him In this disguis e ment he was brought .
i nto the hall f a vou r i te s ta te r o o m

) where await d him
‘
e -
t h e whole number O f h i s school f ellows whose j oint lessons ,
an d s o r t s he was thence f orth to share no more ; the aw f ul

'
p
re nce f t h steward to be seen f o r the las t ti m e of
p se O e , ,
the executioner beadle clad l n his state robe fo r t h e o c ,
casion ; and o f two faces more o f direr i m p 01 t because , ,
never but i h these extremities visible These w ere g o v

-
e r n o r s ; two o f whom by choice o r charter were always , , ,
accustomed to O ffi c i ate at these Ul ti ma S up p l i cia ; not to '
mitigate ( s o at least we underst od it) u t to enforce o b 1

,
the uttermost stripe Ol d Bamber G ascoigne and Peter .

,
A ubert I rememb er were colleagues o n o n e occasion

, , ,
w hen the bea d le turnin g rather pale a l ass o f brandy w a s ,

cr
g
o rdered to prepare him fo r th e m ysteries The scourging .
w as af ter the Old R oman fashion long and sta tely

,
The , .
lictor accompan ied the criminal qui t e round the hall We .
were generally too faint with attending to the previous

disgus ting circumstances to mak e accurate rep ort with
o u r eyes O f the degree o f corporal su ff ering in fl icted .
b
R eport o f c u 1 se gave o u t the back k n o tty an d livid

o
After scourging l ie was made over in h 1 s San B eni to to

, , .
'
, , ,
his friends i f he had any ( but commonly suc h poor ru n

,
agates were friendless ) o r to his parish O fli c e r iWh O tO ,

‘
, ,
enhanc e the e ffect o f the scene had his station allotted t o ,
him o n the outside o f the hall gate .
These solemn pag eantries we r e not playe d o ff so o fte n ‘

24 ESS A Y S OF ELIA
as to poil t h e gen er al mirth o f the commu nity We had
s .
p lenty o f exercise and recreation af ter school hours ; an d ,
fo r myself I m ust con f ess that l was never happier than

, ,
i n them .The U pper and the L ower G rammar Schools

were hel d in the same room ; and an imaginary line only
divided their bounds Their character was as di fferent as .
that o f the inhabitants on the two sides o f the Pyrenees .
The Re v James Boyer was the U pper Master ; but the

.
Rev Matthew F e il de presided over th at portion o f th e

.
apartmen t o f which I had the good f ortune to be a mem

,
ber We lived a lif e as careless as birds W e talk ed and

. .
did jus t what we pleased and nobody mol s t ed us We , e .
carried an accidence or a grammar f o r f orm but fo r any

, , ,
trouble it gave us we might take t w o years in getting

,
through the verbs deponent and another two in f orgetting ,
all that we had learned about them There was now and .
then the f ormality o f saying a lesson but if y o u h ad not ,
learned it a brush across the shoul ders (just enough to

,
disturb a fl y ) was the sol e remonstrance Fe i ld e n ever used .
the rod ; and in truth he wielded the cane with no great

good will —holding it lik e a dancer It looked in his
“
.
”
hands rather lik e an emblem than an instrument o f au th o

rity ; and an em blem t o o he was ashamed o f H e w as a ,
‘
, .
good easy man that did n o t care to r uffl e his o Wn peace

, ,
nor perhaps set any grea t consideration upon the value o f .
j u venile time He came among us n o w and then b u t

.
, ,
often staid away whole days from us ; and when he c ame

it made no diff erence to u s —h e h ad his privat e room to
.
,
retire to the short time he staid to be o u t o f the sound

, ,
o f o u r noise Ou r mirth and uproar we nt o n

. We had .
classics o f o u r own without being beholden to insolent

,
“
”
G reece o r haughty R ome that passed current among u s
Peter Wilkins —the Adventures o f the Ho n Captain R obert
,
—
Boyle the F ortunate Blue coat Boy—and the lik e O r w e
.
cultivated a turn fo r mechanic and scientific operations ;

mak ing little sun di als o f paper ; o r weaving those i n
-
n i o us parentheses called cat cr a d l es ; or making dry

g e -
peas t o dance upon the end o f a tin pipe ; o r studying th e

”
ar t mi litary o ve r th at l au dabl e g ame F rench and En glish .
C H R I ST S HO S P ITA L
’
25
an d a h und red oth er such devices to pass a way t h e ti me

g the useful with the agr eeable—as woul d have
made the souls of R ousseau and John L ocke chuckle to have
s een us .
Matth ee i l d e b el o n ge d to that class o f modest divines

who a ff ect t o mix in equal proportion the gentl eman th e ,
s cho l ar an d the Ch r is ti a n ; but

,
I know not how the fi rst , ,
ingredien t is generall y f ound to be the predomin ating dose

in the compos ition He was engaged in gay parties or
.
,
wi th h i s courtly bow at some episcopal lev ée when he ,
shou ld have been atten ding upon us H e had f o r many .
years t h e classical charge o f a hundred children during ,
the four o r five fir st years o f their education ; and his very

highest form seldom proceeded further than t w o o r three
o f t h e introductory f ables o f Phaedrus H o w thin gs were .
suffered t o go o n thus I cannot guess Boyer who was , .

,
'
the proper person t o have remedied these abuses always ,
aff ecte d perhaps f elt a delicacy in interf ering in a provinc e

, ,
n o t strictly h i s o w n I have not been without my sus

.
i c i o n s that he was n o t altogether displeased at the con

p ,
trast we presented t o his end o f the school We were a ,

.
s ort o f H elo t s to his young Spartans H e would some .
t imes with ironic de ference send to borrow a r o d o f the

, ,
Under Master and then with Sardonic grin observe to

, , ,
o n e o f his upper boys h o w neat and fresh the twig s

’
“
. ,
looked .While his pale students were battering their

brains over X enophon an d Plato with a silence as deep as ,
th at enjoine d by the Samite we were enj oy ing ourselve s ,
at our ease in our little G oshen We saw a little into t h e .
s ecrets o f h i s discipline and the prospect did but t h e mo r e

,
reconcile us to o u r l o t Hi s thunders rol l ed innocuou s for

.
u s ; his storms came near but never t ouched us ; contrar

y,
to Gideon s miracle while all around were drench ed o u r

’
, ,
fleece was dry *

Hi s boys turned out the bette r scholars
.
w e I suspect have the advantag e i n temper

, , Hi s pupils .
t an n o t s peak o f h i m without something o f terro r allay

in g thei r gr ati tud e t h e remem brance of Fe il d e comes back
wi th al l the so othi n g i mages o f i n dolence and su mme r ,
Co wl e y .
26 ESSAY S O F E LI A
s lumbers an d work like play and i nn o c en t i d l en ess and
, ,
‘
E lysian exemptions and li fe itself a pl aying holiday ? “ ,

'
Th o u gh su fficiently removed f rom the jurisdiction o f

w
Boyer we were near enough ( as I hav e said ) t o understand

,
a little o f his system We o cca sionally h eard sound s o f

'
.
t h e Ul nl antes and caught glances o f Tartarus B was a

' "
. .
,
rabid pedant H i s E nglish style was cr am p t to barbarism

. .
His Easter anthems (f o r h i s du ty obliged him t o th ose

—
' ~
periodical fl ights ) were grating as scrannel i He
would laugh —ay and heartily —but then it must be at

-
'
a =
,
Fl ac c u s s quibble about R ew Or at the tr i s tis s ever i tas i n

’
'
vul tu o r i n sp i cer e i n p a ti nas o f Te r e n c e
,
t h i n jests which ,
' m
at their first broaching could hardly hav e h ad vi s e no u gh '
to move a R oman muscle He had t w o w i gs both pedantic

. .
-
'
, ,
but o f di ff erent omen Th e one serene smiling; f resh .

,
'
‘
powdered b e t ok e n i n g a m il d day Th e o t h er ; an o l d di s
,
~ '
.
’
c oloured unk empt angry caxon denoting frequent an d

, , .
,
bloody execution Wo e to the school when he made h i s .

,
morning appearance in his p as sy o r p as s ionate wig N o “
—
.
,
c omet expounded surer J B had a heavy hand I have . . . .

'
known h i m double his knotty fist at a poor tr emblin g

—
child ( the mate rnal milk hardly dry upon i t s lips ) with a
Sirrah do you presume to set your wits at me
,
N othing
was more common than to see him mak e a h eadlong ‘
entry into the school room from h is inner recess o r library -
, , ,
and with turbulent eye singling o u t a lad roar out Od s

, , , ,
*
my li fe sirrah ( his favourite adjuration ) I have a great

mind to whip y o u —
, ,
then with as sudden a r etracting i m ”
pulse fl ing back into his lair—and a fter a cooling lapse o f

, ,
, ,
some minutes ( during which all but the culprit h ad t o ta l l y ‘
f orgotte n the context ) drive headlong o u t again pieci n g ou t ,
his imperf ect sense as i f it had been some D evil s L itany ,

’ '
I n th i n d e e yth i n g B swa t h e a tip d s of hi s

v r dj to . s an o e c oa u r.
Wh i l e
'
th e for m e r w as d ig gi n g h i s b r ai n s fo r c ru de an t h e m s, w orth a
°
p ig n ut, F
-
W ou l d b e r e c r e a i n g h i s gen t l e m an l y fan c y i n t h d mo re
.
‘
t ' ‘
fl o we ry w al k s o f th e u se s M
A l i tl e d ram at i c e ff u s io n o f h is , u n de r th e
. t
n am e o f Ve r t
u m n u s an d Po mo n a is
fo rg o te n b y th e ch r o ni c l e rs
,
not y et t
of th t of l i te r a t t
I t was acc e p e d b y G ar r ic k , b u t th e o wn di d t
ti n —
at so r u re .
'
no t g ive i t th e ir san c o . B u se to s y o f i t, n a way o f h a]f co mp li

d. a
i -
me nt , h al f i r o ny
-
th at i t w s t a oo cl a s si ca l f o r r ep r es enta t i on .
28 ESSA Y S O F EL I A
their pro fession and when in advanced age one f o u nd 1 t
, , ,
c onvenient to retire the other was n o t long in d iscovering

,
that it suite d h i m to lay do wn the f asces also Oh it is .

,
pleasant as it is rare to find the same ar m li n ked in yo urs

, ,
at forty whic h at thirteen helped it to turn over the Ci cer o

,
D e Ami ci ti a o r some tale o f Antique F riendship which the

—
, ,
young heart even the was burning n t o anticipate l Co

G recian with S was Th . who has sinc e executed w ith
ability various diplo m atic f unctions at the N ort hern courts .
Th was a tal l dark satu r nine youth sparing o f speech

with raven lock s —Tho m as F anshaw Middleton f ollowed
, , , ,
him (n o w Bishop o f Calcutta) a scholar and a gentleman in ,
his teens H e has the reputatio n o f an excellent critic and

.
is author ( besides the Coun try Spectato r ) o f a Treatise o n

the G ree k Article against Sharp e —M is said to bear his
,
.
mitre high in India where the r egni n ovi tas ( I dare say )
.
s u fli c i e n t l y justifies t h e bearing A humility quite as pri

.
m i t i v e as that o f Jewel o r H ooker might not be exactly

fitted to impress the minds o f those Anglo A siatic diocesans -
with a reverence for home institu tions and the church which ,
those fathe r s watered The manners o f M at school though

fi r m were mild and unassumin g —
. .
,
, N ext to M ( i f not senior .
to him ) was R ichards au t hor o f the Aboriginal Bri t ons the

, ,
most spirited o f the Oxf ord Prize Poems a pale studiou s

G recian — Then f o l lowed poo r S ill fated M l of -
,
these the Muse is silent .
Fi ndi ng so m e o f E d ward s rac e ’
Unh ap p y p as s th eir ann al s by

, .
Come back in to memory lik e as thou wert in the day ,
s pring o f th y f ancies with h O e like a fi ery column be f ore

p
thee —the dark pillar not yet turned—Samuel Taylor
,
—
Coleridge L ogician Metaphysician Bard, Ho w have I ,
—
seen the casual passer through the Cloisters s tan d still ,
i n tr an c e d with admiration ( while he weighed the d i s pr o

portion between the sp eech and the gar b o f the young
Mi r an d ul a) to hear thee un f old i n thy deep an d sweet
, ,
int o nations th e m ys teries o f J am b l i ch u s o r Plotinus (fo r

, ,
e ven in those y ears tho u w ax e d s t no t al e at such p h il o

‘
p
C H R I ST S H O SPI T AL
’
29
ophic draughts) o r r eciting H omer in his G reek o r

whi le th e walls o f the o l d Grey F riars r e—
s , ,
Pindar echoed
to the accents o f the i nsp i r e d c hari ty boy
— Many were th e -
wit combats (to dally awhi le with the words o f o l d

-
F uller) bet ween him and C V Le G

,
which two 1 . .
behold like a Spanish great galleon and an English man o f ,
war : Master Co te r i dge like the f ormer was built far higher , ,
in learning solid but slow i n his perf ormances C V L

, ,
. . .
with the English man o f war lesser in bulk but lighter in , ,
sailing could t u m with all times tack about and take

, , ,
advantage o f all winds by t h e quickness o f his w i t and ,
invention .
No r shalt thou their compeer be quickly forgotten , , ,
Allen with the cordial smile and still more cordial laugh
, , ,
wi th which thou wert wont to make the o l d Cloisters

sh ake in thy cognition o f some poignant j est o f theirs ; o r
,
the anticipation of some more material and p er ad v en , ,
ture practical o n e o f thine o w n E xtinct are those smiles

, .
,
with that beautiful countenance with which (fo r thou wert ,
the N i r eus f ormosus o f the school) in the days o f thy ,
maturer waggery thou didst disarm the w rath o f in furi

,
ated town damsel who incensed by provoking pinch turn

-
, , ,
i n g tigress like round suddenly converted by thy angel

-
look ex changed the hal f f ormed terrible bl

, f or a -
gentler greeting bl ess thy hands ome f ace

N ext f ol low two who ought to be now alive and the
f riends o f E lia —the junior Le G
, ,
and F who
impelled the former by a roving temper the latter by too
, ,
quick a sense o f neglect 4 11 capable o f enduring the slights -
poor Siz ars ar e sometimes subj ect to in o u r seats of learn:

ing —exchanged their A lma Mater for the cam p ; perishing
o n e by climate and o n e on the plains o f Salamanca z—
,
, Lo
G sanguine volatile sweet natured ; F , dogged ,
-
faithf ul anticipative o f i n sult warm hearted with some

, ,
-
thing o f the o l d R oman height about him .
Fi ne , f rank hearted F r the present master o f He r t

m i ldest o f Missionaries —
-
for d with Ma rmaduke T an d
b oth my good f riends s ti ll —

,
close th e ca talogue o f G re cian s

i n my t i me .
3 0
1
ESS A Y S or EL I A
TH E TWO R AC E S OF MEN .
f HE human species according to the best theory I can

,
f orm of it is composed o f two distinct races th e men

, ,
'
who bor r ow and th e men wh o l end

,
To these two o r 1gi n al.
diversities may be reduced all those impertinent c lassi .
fi c ati o n s o f G othic and Celtic tribes white men b l ac k ~m en , , ,
red men Al l the dwellers upon earth Parthians and

.
, ,
”
Medes an d E lamites fl ock hit h er and do naturally fall
, , ,
in with o n e or other o f these primary distinctio n s The .
infinite superiority o f the former which I choose to d e s i g ,
nate as the gr ea t r ace is d iscernible in their fig u re port

, , ,
and a cer tain instinctive sovereignty The latter are .
born degraded H e sh all serve his brethren ” There

. .
is something in the air o f o n e of this c as t l e an and sus ,

'
i c i o us ; c ontrasting with t h e open trus t ing generous

p , ,
manners o f the other .
Observe who have been the greatest borrowers o f al l

— — — —
.
'
a ges A lcibiades F a l s t afl S i r R ichard S teele our late
incomparabl e Brin sley—what a family lik eness in al l ,
four !
What a careless even deportment hath your borrower
,
what rosy gills ! what a beautif ul reliance o n Providence

doth he mani fest — taking no more thought than lilies
What contempt for money —
,
accounting it (yours and mine

,
especially ) no better than dross What a liberal conf ound

i n g o f those pedantic distinctions o f mourn and tunm ! o r
rather what a noble simplification o f language (beyond
,
Too ke ) resolving these supposed Opposites into o n e clear

,
intelligible pronoun adj ec t i v e l Wh at near approaches doth —

he mak e t o the p rimitive communi ty —to the extent o f o n e ,
hal f o f the principle at least

H e i s the tru e t ax er w h o calleth all t h e w br l d up to be
.
taxed ; and the d istan c e is as vast between him and one

o us as subsisted be t wee n t h e Augustan Majesty and the
'
f ,
ne ares t obol ary Jew that p aid it tribute pittance a t J e ru - ~

T HE T W O R A C ES or M EN 3 :
s alem — His e xa cti on s to o h av e s uch a che erf ul vol u n tary

, , ,
air ! So far removed f rom y our sour p arochial o r state

gatherers those ink horn varlets who carry their want o f
,
-
welcome in their f aces 1 H e co m eth to y o u w ith a smile ,
and trou bleth you with no receipt ; confin i n g himself t o n o

set s eas on E very day i s h i s Candlemas o r his F east o f
.
-
Holy Mi chael He ap p l i e t h the l e ns tormentum o f a pl eas ant

loo k to your purse —which to that gentle wa rm th expands
.
her silken leaves as naturally as t h e cloak o f t h e traveller

, ,
fo r which s u n and wind contended } H e i s the tru e Pr o

.
pontic which never e b b et h l The sea which taketh hand ~
s o m e l y at e ach m an s hand In vain the victim who m he

l
’
.
,
delighteth to honour struggles with dest iny he 1s in t h e ,
net Lend therefore cheerf ully O man ordain ed to len d

.
,
tha t thou los e not in the end with thy worldly penny the , ,
reversion promised Combine not prepos te rou sly in thine

—
.
o w n person the penalt i es o f L a z ar us and o f D ives l but ,
. when thou seest the proper author ity coming meet i t sm il ,
i n gl y as it we re half way
,
Co me a han dsom e sacrifice -
.
,
Se e h o w light he m akes o f it 1 S train n o t co u r t e s i e s with a i
noble enemy .
Re flecti ons like th e f oregoing were forced upon my mi n d

by the death o f my o l d f riend Ralph Bigod E s q w h o , ,
.
,
parted this life o n Wednesday evening dying as he had ,
lived without much trouble H e boasted him self a d es c e n

,
.
dant f rom mighty ancestors o f that name who hereto for e ,
held ducal dignities in this realm In his actions and .

.
sentiments he belie d n o t the stock to which he pretended .
Early in li f e he f ound himsel f invested with ample revenues

which with that noble disinterestedness which I have n o
,
ticed as inherent in men o f the gr ea t r a ce he took al most ,
immediate measures entirely t o dissipate and bri ng t o

nothing fo r there is something revolting in th e idea o f a
kin g holding a private purse and the thoughts o f Bigod
were al l regal Thus f urnished by the v ery ac t o f dis
. ,
'
f nish ment ; getting rid o f the cumbersome lugg age o f

u r
’
riches more apt ( as on e sings )

,
4
To sl ac k en vi r tue , an d ab at e
;
h er e d ge ,
Th an p ro m p h er to d o t a ug h t m ay m e ri t p ra i se.
3 2 ESS A Y S O F EL I A
he se t tb r th , l i ke s o m e Al ex an de r , u p on h i s gr e at ente 1 prise ,
. bo rr o wing an d t o borr o w !
I n his pe r ieges is , o r tr iumph a n t progress throughout thi s
i s land , it h as been c alculate d that he laid a ty the part o f t h e
i nhabita n ts under contribution I reject this estimate as
—
.
gr e atly exaggerated but having had the honour o f aecom

panying my friend divers times i n h i s perambulations
, ,
.
abo ut thi s vast city I o wn I w as greatly s tr uck at first

,
with the prodigious number o f faces we met who claimed ,
a so r t o f respectf ul acquaintance with us H e was o n e day .
s o obliging as to explain the phenomenon It seems these “

.
,
we re his tributaries feeders o f his exchequer gentlemen ,
hi s good f riends ( as he was pleased t o express himsel f ) to ,
whom he had occasionally been beholden f o r a loan Their .
multitudes did no way disconcert hi m H e rather took a .
pride in numbering them and with Comus seemed pleased , ,
t o be stocked with so f ai r a herd .
With such sourc es it was a wonder h o w he contrived t o

,
keep his treasury always empty H e did it by force o f an .
aphorism which he had of ten in his m o n th that money

, ,
”
kept longer than three days stinks So h e made use o f it .
whil e it was f resh A good par t he drank away (fo r he was

.
an excellent t oss pot) some he gave away the rest he th rew

-
, ,
away l iterally tossing and hurling it viol ently f rom him

,
as boys do burrs or as i f i t had been infectious into ponds

, ,
— ,
o r ditches o r deep holes inscrutable cavities o f the ear th ;

— ,
o r he would bury it where he would never seek it again )

(
,
by a river s side under some bank which (he would face

’
t i o u sl y observe ) paid no interest—

,
but o u t away f rom him

'
it must go peremptorily as H agar s o fl sp r i n g into the ,
’
wi lderness while it was sweet H e never missed it The

, .
'
.
s t reams were perennial which f e d his fi s c When new s u p .

~
plies became necessary the first person that had the felicity
,
to fal l in with him friend o r stranger w as sure to contribute

, ,
t o i t h e deficiency Fo r Bigod had an und eniable way with

.
-
him He had a cheerful open exterior a quick j ovial eye

.
, , ,
a bald f orehead just touched with grey fi ) H

,
( ca na des e .
anticipated no excuse and f oun d none A n d waiving fo r

, .
,
a while my theory as t o the gr ea t r ace I would put i t t o t h e

. ,
T HE T W O RA C E S O F M E N 33
mos t u n th eo r i s i n g r eader w h o may at times have disposable
,
c oin in h i s pocket whe t her it is not mo r e repugnant to the

,
kindliness o f his nature to refuse such a o n e as I am d e

scribing than to say no to a poor peti tionary rogue ( your
,
bastard borr ower) who by his mumpi n g visnomy tel ls

, , ,
you that he expects noth in g better ; and there f ore Whose , ,
preconceived n otions and expectations you do in r eality s o *
much less shock in the refusal .
When I think of thi s m an ; his fiery glow o f heart ; his

s well o f f eeling ; how m agn ificent how i deal he was ; h o w ,
~
g reat at the midnight hour ; and when I compare with him

the companions with whom I have associated since I gru e ,
the saving o f a fe w idle ducats and think that I am fa en ,
into the society of l ender s and l ittl e men , .
To o n e like E lia whose treasures are rather cased i n

,
leather covers than closed in iron coffers there is a class o f ,
alien ators more formidable than that which I have touched

upon I mean your bor rower s of books —those mutilators
o f collections spoilers o f the symmetry o f shelves a n d
, ,
creators o f o dd volumes There is Co m b e r b at ch matchless

.
,
in h is depredations !
That foul gap in the bottom shel f f acing you like a great
eye tooth knocked o u t —
,
( you ar e n e w with me in my little

—
-
back study in Bloom sbury reader with the huge ,

‘
Switzer like tomes o n each side ( li k e the G uildhall giants

-
in th eir re f ormed pos ture guardant o f nothing) once held

'
the tallest o f my folios Op er a B ona ventur az choice and massy

, ,
divinity to which its two supporters (school divinity also

but o f a lesser calibre —
, ,
Bellarmine and H oly Thomas )

showed but as dwarfs —itsel f an Ascapart
, , ,
,
that Comber -
batch abstracted upon the faith o f a theory he holds w hich

'
is more easy I con fess fo r me to su ffer by than to r ef ut e

, ,
.
namely that the title to property in a book (my Bon a

,
'
venture fo r instance) is in ex act ratio t o t h e claimant s
, ,
’
”
powers o f understand i ng and appreciating the s ame .
S hould he go o n acting upon this theory which o f o ur

‘
,
s helves is sa f e ?
'
'
—
The slight vacuum i n t h e left hand case two shelve s -
'
-
fr o m t h e ceiling scarcel y d i s t i n gu i sh ab l e b u t b y t h e qu ic k ' '

fl
34 E SSAY S O F E LI A
eye a los
of er—was w hi l om
the commodiou s sti g place re n -
o f B rown o n Ur n Burial 0 will h ardly alle ge t h at he . .
knows more about that treatise than I do who introdu c ed *

,
it to h i m and w as indeed the fi rst (o f the moderns) to dis

cover i ts beauties —
,
but so h ave I k nown a foolish lov er to

praise h i s mistress in the presence o f a r i val more qualified
to carry her o ff than himsel f —Just below D o dsl ey 8 d 1 amas .
,
’
want their fourth volume where Vittoria Co r o m bo n a is ,
The remainder n ine are as distas te ful as Priam s refuse ,

’
s ons when the F ates bor rowed H ector H ere stood the
—
. .
,
A natomy o f ,
Melancholy in sober state There loitered
, .
the Complete Angler quiet as in l ife by some strea m ,
s ide . In yo n der nook John Bunele a widower volume ;

.
, ,
-
”
with eyes closed mourns his ravished mate ,
.
On e justice I must do my friend th at i f he sometimes , ,
like the sea sweeps away a treasure at another time sea

.
, , ,
like he t hrows up as rich an equivalent to match it I have

, .
a small under collection o f t his nature ( my f riend s gath er

’
-
ings in his various calls ) picked up he has f orgotten at what , ,
o dd places and deposited with as little memory at mine

, I .
tak e in these orphans the twice deserted These proselytes

,
.
o f the gate are welcome as t h e true H ebrews They stand ln .
conjunction ; natives and naturalised The latter seem as

,
.
little disposed to inquire o u t their true lineage as I am ’
I charge no warehouse room f o r these deodands n o r shall

« -
, ~
ever put mysel f to the ungentlemanly trouble of advertis

ing a sale o f them to pay exp e nses .
To lose a volume to C carries som e sense and m e an m g m .

,
i t Y o u are sure that he wil l mak e one hearty meal o n your

.
viands i f he can give no account o f the pl att er after it

, .
But what moved th ee wayward spite ful K to be so impor, ,
t u n at e to carry o ff with thee in spite o f tears and adjurations ,
to th ee to forbear the Letters o f t h at princely woman the '
thrice noble Margaret N ewcastle —knowing at the time

, ,
and knowing that I k new also thou most assuredly would st

nev er turn over one leaf o f the illustrious folio what but
,
— ;
the mere spirit o f contradict ion and childish love o f gettin g

—
,
t h e b etter o f thy f riend

. Th e n w o r s t c u t o f al l ! t o trans ,
.
p o r t it with th e e t o the G allica n l and

E SSAY S O F EL I A
'
3 6
th e birth of a N e w Y ear is o f an interest to o wide to be

pretermitted by king or cobbler N 0 o n e ever regarded t h e .
F irst o f January w ith indi ff erence It is that from which .
all date their time an d count upon what is lef t It is the

.
.
nativity o f o u r common Adam

—
.
\
all sound all bells (bells the music nighest border
—
Of of ,
.
ing upon heave n ) most solemn and touching is the pea

which rings o u t the O l d Y ear I never hear it without a .
gathering u p o f my mind to a concentration o f all the im ages

-
that have been d i ffused over the past twelvemonth all I

have done o r su ff ered performed o r neglected in that r e
, ,
r e t t e d time I begi n to know its worth as when a person

g . ,
dies It tak es a personal colour ; no r was it a p oetica l

.
fl ight in a contemporary when he exclaimed ,
I saw th e ski r ts o f th e d ep artin g Year .
It is no more than what in sober sadness every o n e o f u s

seems to be conscious o f in that aw ful leave taking I am ,
-
.
sure I f elt it an d all f elt it with me last night ; th ough

, ,
some o f my companions a ff ected rather to manif es t an ex

h il ar at i on at the birth o f the coming year than any very ,
tender regrets fo r th e decease o f i t s predecess or But I am .
none o f those who

Wel c o m e th e c omi n g, sp eed rt
th e p a i n g gu es t .
I am naturally beforehand shy o f noveltie s ; new books

—
, , ,
new faces new years f rom some mental twist which

, ,
mak es it di ffi cult in me to face the prospective I have .
almost ceased to hope ; and am sang uine onl y in t h e p r o

s p e c t s o f other ( f ormer ) y ears
,
I plunge i nto f oregone .
visions and conclusions I encounter pe l l mell with pas t .

-
disappointments I am armour proof against o l d discourage

.
-
ments I f orgive or overcome i n fancy old adversaries

.
, , .
I play over again f r l o ve as the gamesters phras e it games

o , ,
f o r which I once paid so dear I w ould scarc e now have .
any o f those untoward accidents and events o f my lif e r e

v ersed I would no more alter them than the incidents o i '
s ame well contrived n ovel

-
Meth in k s it it bett er that l .
,
N EW Y EA R S EVE
’
37
should have pined away seven o f m y goldenest years, when
I was thrall to the f air hair and f airer eyes of Alice
—
, ,
W n than that so passionate a love adventu re should be

‘
lost It was better that o u r fami ly sho uld have missed

.
that legacy which old D orrell cheated us o f than that I

, ,
should have at this moment two thousand pounds i n ban co ,
an d be without the idea o f that specious o l d rogue .
In a degree beneath manhood it is my infirmity to look ,
back upon those early days D o I advance a paradox .

'
when I say that skipping over the intervention o f f orty

, ,
years a man may have leave to love hi mself without the

, ,
imputation o f sel f love -
I f I know aught o f myself n o o n e whose mind is intro

— —
,
sp e c t i v e and mine is p ai n f ully s o can have a less respect

fo r his present identity than I have f o r the m an E lia I .
know h i m to be light and vain and humoursome ; a not o , ,
rions ad d icted to averse f rom counsel ,
neither tak ing it nor o ff ering it ,

besides a stam
'
mering b u fi o o n ; what you will ; lay it on and spare not ,
I subscribe to it all and much more than thou canst

—
, ,
b e willing to lay at his door but f o r the chi l d Elia

'
that other me there in the back ground — ,

”
I m u s t t ak e
,
’
leave to cherish the remembrance o f that young m aster

with as little re ferenc e I protest to his stupid changeling , ,
o f fi v e and f ort -
as i f it had been a child o f some other
-
house and not of my parents I can cry over its patient

, .
smal l pox at five , and rougher medicam ents I can lay its
-
poor fevered head upon the sick pillow at Christ s and wake ’
with it in surprise at the gentle posture o f maternal tender

ness hanging over it that unk nown had watched its sleep , .
I know h o w it shrank f rom any the least colour o f f alse

h o od —
. G o d help thee E lia how art thou changed — , Thou,
art sophisticated I k now how honest h o w courageous

.
-
how imaginative ,
len i f the chil d I
myself —
,
and not some dissembling ,
f alse identity to give the ru le t o my ,
regulate the tone of my moral bei n g !

Th at I am f ond o f indulging beyond a hope o f sympathy , ,
3 8 ESS A Y S OF E LI A
.n s uch retrospection , m ay be the symptom o f some sickly
idiosyncrasy Or is it owing to another cause sim ply
. .
,
that being without wif e o r family I have not learned to ,
roject mysel enough mysel f d havi g

‘
f o u t o f ; an n n o o fi :
p .
spring o f my o w n to dally with I turn back upon memory , ,
an d adopt my o w n early idea as my heir and favourite ? If ,
these speculations seem fantastical to thee reader ( a busy , .
man perchance ) i f I tread o u t o f the way o f thy sym pathy

, , ,
and am sing ularly conceited only I retire impenetrable to

'
, ,
ridicule under the phantom cloud o f Elia

,
.
The elders with whom I was brought up were o f a

, ,
character not lik ely to let slip the sacred observance of any
o l d institution ; and the ringing o u t o f the Ol d Y ear was
kept by them with circumstances o f peculiar ceremony .
In those days the sound o f those midnight chimes though ,
it seemed to raise hi larity in all around me never f ai l ed to ,

r
'
bring a train o f pensive i m age r y i n t o my f ancy Y et I . .
then scarce conceived what it meant o r thou ght o f it as a

“
,
’
reck oning t hat concerned me No t childhood alone but .

,
the young man till thirty never feels practically that he i s ,

.
mortal He knows it indeed and i f need were he could

.
, , ,
preach a homily on the fragility o f li fe ; but he brin gs it

not home t o himsel f any more than in a hot June we can ,
appropriate to o u r imagination the f reezing days o f D ecem

h er . But now shall I confess a truth — ,
I feel these audi t s
but too powerfully I begin t o count the probabili ties o f
.
'
my duration and to grudge at the expenditure o f moment s

,
and shortest periods lik e misers farthings In prop o rtion

"
’
.
,
as t h e years both lessen and shorten I set more count upon ,
their periods and would fain lay my ine ff ectual fin ger up on

,
th e spok e o f the great wheel I am not c ontent to pass .
away lik e a weaver s shuttle

“
Those metaphors so l actl ’
.
me not n o r sweeten the unpalatable dr au gh t o f morta li ty

,
f
.
I care not to be carri e d with the tide that smoothly bears , ,
human life t o eternity ; and reluct at the inevitable co ur se

o f destiny 1 am in love with this green earth ; the f ace o f
. .
town and country ; the u ns peakab le rural Soli t udes and the ,
s w eet security o f streets I would set up m y tabernac le .

‘
h ere I am content to stand stil l at the age t o which I am

.
N EW Y EAR S :EVE
’
39 ,
a rrived ; I an d my f ri ends : to be no y ounger no richer

,
’
. , ,
n o h andsom e r I do n o t wan t to be w e an e d by age ; o r

drop lik e mellow fruit as t h e y say into the grave —
.
e
. .
,
An y , . , . .
alteration o n this earth o f mine in diet o r i n lodging

,
.
,
-
; ,
puzzles and discomposes me My household gods plant a .
terrible fixed f oot and a1 o not rooted up wi thout blood ,

.
They do n o t w illingly seek Lav i n i an shores A new sta te .
o f be i ng s taggers me
.
. .
Su n an d sky and breeze an d solita ry wal k s and sum

,
.
, , ,
mer holidays and th e greenness o f fields and the delici o us

,
.
,
jui ces o f meats and fishes and society and the cheerful '
gl ass and ca n dle —

.
.
, ,
,
li ght and fireside conversations and i n
~
, ,
nocent vanities and jests and i r ony i tself— do these things , ,
go o u t with life
“Can a ghost laugh or shake his gau n t sides when you
.
,
.
are pl easant with him .
And y o u my midnight darlings my F olios ; must I part

, ,
with the intense d e l ight o f having you (huge armfuls ) 1 11 ,
'
my embraces
. ? Must k nowledge come to me i f i t come ,
at all by some awk ward experiment o f intuition and no

,
.
,
longer b y t h i s f amiliar process o f reading

Shall I enjoy f riendships t here wanting the smiling i h
d i cati o n s which point me to th em here —
~
the recog nisable

face —
,
the swee t assurance o f a look

I n ; w i n t e r this intolerable disinclination t o dying —to
1
give it its mildest name —does more e specially haun t and .
be set me In a genial August noon beneath a s weltering

.
,
sky d e ath is almost problematic At those t 1m e s do such

, .
poor snak es as mysel f enjoy an immortality Then we .
ex pand and burgeon Then we are as stron g again as .

'
valiant again as wise agam and a great deal taller T h e , ,

~
.
b l ast t h at nips and s h r i rk s me p u t s me in thoughts o f

.
; , . .
death A l l things allied to the i n su b s tan t i al w ai t upon

.
, , ;
t hat master f eeling ; cold numbness dreams perplexity ; , , ,
moonlight itsel f with i ts shadowy an d spectral appe ar

an c e s —that cold ghost o f the sun o r Ph oebus sickly siste r
,
—
’
, , ,
like that innutr itiou s o n e denounced in the Canticles I

am none o f her minions — I hold with the Persian .
Whatsoever th warts o r puts m e o u t o f :my w ay bri ngs , , r

z ,
death unto my min d Al l partial evils like humo urs ru n

—
.
, ,
into that capital plague sore I have heard some profess -

.
an indiff erence to life Such hail the end o f their existence

.
as a port o f refuge ; and speak o f the grave as o f some soft

arms in which they may slumber as o n a pillow Some
, .
have wooed death but o u t upon thee I say thou foul , , ,
ugly phantom I detest abhor execrate and ( with F riar , , ,
John ) gi ve thee to six score thousand devils as in no ,
instance to be excu s ed o r tolerated but shunned as an ,
universal viper ; to be branded proscribed and spoken evil , ,
of ! In no way can I be brought to digest thee thou thin , ,
melancholy Pr ivati on or more f rightful and con founding

,
P osi ti ve
Those antidotes prescribed against the f ear o f thee are
, ,
altogether f rigid and insulting lik e thysel f F or what , .
satisfaction b ath a man that he shall lie down with kings ,

“
and emperors in death who in his lifetime never greatly ,
coveted the society o f such bed fellows o r forsooth that

—
- -
, ,
s o shall the f airest f ace appear why t o comfor t me

must A lice W—n be a goblin ? More than all I c o n ce 1 ve
, ,
disgust at those impertinent and misbecoming f amiliari

ties inscri bed upon y our o rdin ary tombstones Every
, .
dead man must take u pon himself to be lecturing me w ith

his odious truism that Such as he now is I must shortly
,
”
be . N o t so shortly f riend perhaps as thou i m ag i n e s t
,
.
, ,
.
In the meantime I am ali v e I move about I am worth . .
t w enty o f thee Kno w thy betters ! Thy N e w Y ears days

.
’
are past I s u r v i v e a jolly candidate f o r 1 8 21 Another

cup o f wine —and while th at turncoat bell that just n o w
. .
,
mourn fully chanted the obsequies o f 1 8 20 departed with ,
changed n otes lustily rin gs in a successor let us attune to ,
i ts peal the song made o n a li k e occasion by h ear ty -
, ,
c heerf ul Mr Cotton . .
T H E N E W YE AR .
HARE , th e co c k c r o ws
yo u b ri gh t s tar , an d
Te l l s u s th e d ay h i msel f s n o t far ;
‘
A n d s e e wh ere b r eaki ng fro m t h e n i g h t,

,
He g i l ds th e wes te r n h i l l s wi h li gh ? t t !
N EW YEAR S E VE
’
4]
With h i m o l d J an u s do h ap p ear, t
Peep i ng i n o th e fu ure year ,
t t
Wi h suc h a l o ok as seems to say
t
t
Th e p ros p ec i s n o t o o d h a way
g t t .
Th u s do we ri se i ll s 1gh ts to see ,
An d gai n st o u rs e l ve s t o p ro p h es y
’
Wh en th e p rep h e ti c fear o f h in gs t
A m o re torm en ti n g mi s ch i ef b ri ng s,
M or e f u l l o f sou l o r m en i n g gal l
-
t t
t
Th an d i re s m i sch i e f s c an b e fal l .
B ut stay ! bu t stay ! m eth ink s m y si gh t ,

tt
B e e r i nformed b y cl earer li g h t,
D is ce rns serenen ess i n h a b ro w t t
t t
Th a all con rac te d seem e d bu t no w .
Hi s reve rs d fac e m ay sh o w di s as e ,
’
t t
An d f rown u p o n th e il l s ar e p ast
t t t
B u t h a whi c h h i s way l oo ks i s c l ear,
An d smil e s u p o n th e N e w b o r n Y e ar -
He l o ok s too fr om a p l ac e so h i gh ,
r
Th e yea l i e s op e n to hi s e ye
An d al l th e m om e n s o p en are t
x t
To t h e e ac d i sco erer v .
r
Yet m o e and m o re h e s mi l e s p on u
Th e h ap p y revol u io n t .
Wh y sh ou l d we h en sus pec or fe ar t t .
fl
Th e i n uen c es o f a y ear ,
So sm i l e s u p o n u s th e r s m o rn, fi t
An d sp e ak s u s g o o d so s o o n as bo rn ?
Pl ague on t ! th e l ast was i l l en ou gh
’
Th i s cann ot b u t m ak e b e e r p ro o f tt
t
O r , at th e w o r s , as w e b i u sh d th rou gh
’
Th e l ast , wh y s o w e m ay h i s to o ; t
An d th en th e n e xt
i n reas on sh ou d
’
x
B e su pe re cel l en l y goo d : t
For th e wor s t 1l l s (we d ail y se e)
Hva e n o m o re p e r p e u i y t t
Th an t h e b e st fo r u n e s t h a d o fal l t t
Wh i ch al so b ri ng u s w h er e wi h al t
t
Lo n ger h ei r b ei n g to su p p o r , t
t
Th an h o se d o o f t h e o h e so r t r t
An d wh o h as o n e goo d y ear in h r ee , t
An d yet rep ines at d e s i ny , t
Ap p ears u n gra e f ul in h e case, t t
'
t
And m eri s no t th e goo d h e h as .
Th en l et u s w e l co m e th e Ne w G u e s t
Wi h l u s y b ri mmers of th e b e st
t t
M i rth al way s sh oul d Good Fo tun e mee t r
An d ren d er s e en D is as e r s w e et :
’
t
An d h ou gh t h e P i n ce ss tu rn h e r b ac k ,
t r
Le t us bu t l i n e o ursel ves wi th s ack ,
We be e r s h al l b y far h o l d ou t
tt ,
t
Till th e n ex y ea r s h e fac e a b o u t .
Ho w say y o u reader — ,
d o n o t t hese verses smack o f t h e
rough magnanimity o f the o l d English vein D o they n o t

fortif y li k e a cordial ; enlargi n g the heart and productive ,
of sweet bl o od and generous

,
spi r its i n the co n coction ?
,
Where be those puling fe ar s o f death just now expressed

— —
,
'
a ffected P assed li k e a cl oud absorbed in the purging
sunli ght o f clear poetry—clean washed a w ay by a wave o f
or
ge n uine H elicon your only,

Sp a f o r these h y oc h o n d r i e s
p .
An d n o w an other cup of the generous and a me r ry N e w

Year an d many o f the m t o y o u all m y masters 1
, ,
MRS B ATTLE S OPI N I ON S ON WHl ST

’
'
. .
C LE AR fire a cle an hearth and the rigour o f t h e

, ,
*
game Th is was the c el ebrated wi sh o f o l d Sarah

.
Battle ( now with G o d ) who next to h er devotions loved

, ,
.
a good game o f whist Sh e was none o f your luk ewarm

.
gamesters your hal f and hal f players who have no objection

,
- -
to take a hand i f y o u want o n e to make up a rubber

,
who
afii r m that they have no pleasure in winning that they li k e
to win one game and lose another ; that they can while away
an hour very agreeably at a card table but are indi ff erent -
whether they play o r no ; and will desire an adversary ,
who has slipped a wrong card t o take it up and play ,
an o th e r T These insu ffe rable t r i fl e r s are the curse o f a

'
table On e o f these fl ies will spoil a whole p o t Of such

. .
it may be said that they do n o t play at cards but only play ,
at playing at them .
Sarah Battle w as none o f that breed Sh e deteste d them .

,
as I d o from her heart and soul and would n o t save u pon

, , ,
T h i s was b e fo r e th e in t oduc ti on
r o f r u g s , reader. You m ust re
t
mem b e r th e i n o l era b l e c rash of th e u n s we p t c ind e rs be t xt
wi y o ur foo t
an d th e marb l e ]
[
J
r A s i f a sp o r s mt
an s h o u l d t
'
e ll you h e l i k ed to kil l a fo xo ne d ay an d
l o s e h i m th e n e xtf l
44 E SSAY S O F EL I A .
said was sh owy and specious and likely to allure you n g

, ,
.
persons The uncertai nty and quick shi f ting o f par tners
.
a thing which the constancy o f whist abhors the dazzling

supremacy and regal investiture o f Spadille —absurd as she ,
justly observed in the pure aristocracy o f whist where his

, ,
crown and garter give him no proper power above hi s

brother nobility of the Aces
-
the giddy van ity so tak ing -
to the i nexperienced o f playing alone ; above all the over

powering attrac tions o f a S ans P r endr e Vole —to the tr iumph
, ,
o f which there is certain ly nothing parallel o r approaching
in the conti ngencies o f whist —

,
all these she would say , ,
make quadrille a game o f captivation to t h e young and

enth u siastic But whist was the s oli d er game : t hat was
.
her word It was a long meal ; not like quadrille a f east

. ,
,
o f snatches O n e or two rubbers might c o extend in dura

.
-
tion with an evening They gave time to f orm rooted .
f riendships to cultivate steady enmities

, Sh e despised the . ,
c hance started capricious an d ever fl u c t u at i n alliances of

g
- -
, ,
the other The skirmishes o f q uadril le she would say

.
, ,
reminded her o f the petty ephemeral embroilments o f the

little Italian states depicted by Machiavel perpetually ,
changing postures and connexions ; bitter f oes to day -
s ugared darl ings to morrow ; kissing and scratching in a

-
breath ; — but the wars o f whist were comparable t o the

long steady deep rooted rational antipathies o f the great
, ,
-
F rench and English nations .
A grave simplicity was what she chie fl y admired in her

f avourite game There was nothing silly in it li k e the nob
i n cribbage — nothing superfluous N o fl us hes —that most
.
,
irrational o f all pleas that a reasonable being can s e t up

that any o n e should claim f our by virtue o f holding cards
o f the sa m e mark and colour without re f erence to the play ,
ing o f the game o r the indiv i dual worth or pretension s o f

,
the cards themselves ! Sh e held this to be a solecism ; as

pitiful an ambition at cards as alliterat io n is in authorship .
Sh e despised s u p er fi c i al i ty and look ed deeper than th e

c o lours o f thing s —Suits were sol d iers she would say an d
,
, ,
must have an uniformity o f array to disting uish t hem but

w hat should we s ay to a f oolis h s quire w h o should c l aim a ,
N W HI ST 45
ing up h i s tenantry in red jackets th at

marshalled —never to take the field
,
even wished that whi st were more simple than it is ;

in my mind w ould have stripped it o f some appen
,
s which i n the state o f human f railty may be veni ally

, , , ,
even commendably allowed o f Sh e saw no reason , .
fo r the deciding o f the trump by the turn o f the card Wh y

—
.
not one suit always trumps Wh y t w o colours when the ,
mark o f the su i t woul d have suffi ciently distinguished them

without it ?
But the eye m y dear madam is agreeably refreshed

, ,
with the variety Man is n o t a creature o f pure r eas on

.
h e must have his sens es delightf ully appealed to We see .
it in R oman Catholic co u ntries wh ere the music and the ,
paintings draw in many to worship whom you r quaker ,
spir it o f unsensualising would have k ept o u t Y o u your

—
-
.
self have a pre tty collectio n o f paintings but confe ss to

me whether walk ing in your gallery at Sandham amo n g
, , ,
thos e clear Vandykes o r amo ng the Paul Potters in the

,
ante room y ou ever f elt your bosom glow with an ele

-
gant delight at al l comparable to that you have it in your

,
power to experience most evenings over a well arranged

—
-
as s ort ment o f the court car d s the pretty antic habits like
-
heral d s in a procession the gay triumph assuring scarlets

—the contrasting deadly killing sables the hoary maj esty
- -
- -
o f spades Pam in all his glory

-
“
All these might be dispe n se d w ith ; and with their
nak ed names up on the drab pasteboard t h e game might g o ,
on very w ell pictureless B u t the beauty o f cards woul d

, .
be extingui shed f o r ever Stripped o f all that is imagina .
tive i n them they m u st degenerate into m ere gambling

, .
Imagine a du ll deal board o r drum head to spread them , ‘

,
011 ins te ad o f that nice verdant carpet ( next to n ature s )

’
, ,
fi tt e s t a 1 ena f o r those courtly combatants to play their

’
gallant jo usts and turneys in —E xchan ge those delicately

t urned ivory markers — work o f Chinese artist u nconscious
(
of their sym bol —
,
o r as pro f anely slightin their true l i

, g a
pp
c ation as the arran t es t Ephesian journeym an that turned
ou t those litt le shrines fo r the

g odde s s ) —exchange them for
46 E SSAY S OF EL I A
l i ttl e bits o f leather (o ur ancestors o r c hal k an d
’
”
a sl at e !
The Ol d lady with a smile con fessed the soundness o f
, ,
m y logic ; an d t o her approbation o f my argu m ents o n her

favourite topic that evening I have al w ay s fan c i e d mysel f
'
indebted fo r the legacy o f a curious cribbage board mad e -
o f the finest Sienna mar ble which her maternal uncle ,
( l d W alter Plumer whom I have lsewhere celebrated )

—
o e , ,
b rought w ith him f rom F lorence this and a trifl e o f five ,
h undred pounds ca m e t o me at h e 1 death ,

.
The f ormer bequest (which I do not l e as t value) I have ,
kept with religious care ; though she hersel f to c on fess a ,

’
truth was never greatly taken with cribbage It was an

—
.
,
'
essential ly vulg a r ga m e I have heard her say dis puting , ,
with her uncle w h o was very partial to it Sh e could never

,
—
.
h e ar ti l y b r i n g her mouth t o pronoun ce Go

’
or That s a
g o .
’7
S h e called it an ungrammatical game The pegging .
teased her I once knew her to forfeit a rubber ( a fi v e dollar

.
stake ) because she wo u ld not ta k e advan tage o f the turn u p -
knave whi ch would have given it her but w hich Sh e mu st

, ,
h ave clai m ed by the disgrace f u l tenure o f d e c l arm g two f or

his h eel s There is something extremely genteel m this sort
.
”
o f sel f denial -
Sarah Battle was a gentlewoman born
. .
Piquet she h el d the best gam e at t h e cards fo r two p e

u —
sons though she would ridicule the pedantry o f the terms
such as pique —
,
repique —the capot — they savoured ( she

t hough t ) o f a ff ectation B u t games fo r tw o o r even th r ee
.
, ,
s h e never greatly cared f o r Sh e loved the quad rate o r

—
.
,
s quare S h e would
. a 1 gue thus Cards are warfare : the
ends are gain with glory But cards are war in dis ,
.
,
guise o f a sport : when single adversaries encounter the ,
ends p r o p bs e d are t Oo palpable By themselves it i s t o o

'
.
,
c lose a fight ; with spectators it is n o t much bettered No , .
lo c ker o u can be inte r ested except f o r a bet and then it i s

-
, ,
a mere a ffair o f money he cares not fo r your luck symp a

t l
th e i ca l y o r f o r your ,
play — Three a e still worse ; a me r e
. .
naked war o f every man again st every m an as in cribbage , ,
without le ague o r alliance : o r a rotation o f petty and con

tr ad i c t o r y in t ere s ts a s uccess io n o f heartl es s leagu es an d
, ,
M RS . B AT T LE S O P I N I O N S O N
’
r W H I ST 47
no t m uch more hear ty infractions o f th e m as in t radril l e , .
But I n square games (s he meant whi st) all that 18 pos sible to ,
be attained in card playing is accomplished -

There ar e .
the incentives o f profit with h o n o u 1 common to every

species —
,
though the l atter can be but very i mperf e ctly .
enjoyed 1n those other games w here the spe c tator i s only ,
feebly a participator But the parti es in whis t are s p e c ta

.
to rs and principals t o o Th ey are a theatre to themselves

.
,
and a looker o n is not wanted H e is rather worse than

-
.
nothing and an impertinence Whist abhors neutrality

,
.
, ‘
or i n terests beyond its spher e Yo u glory in so me surpris

ing stroke o f skill o r fortu n e not because a cold —
.
o r even
‘
~
an interested—bystander witnesses it b u t beca use your

,
'
ar tn ei sy m pathises I n the contingency Y o u win f o r t w o

p . .
Yo u triumph f o r two Tw o are exalted . Tw o again are .
mortifi e d ; which div i des their disgrace as the conjunction ,
doubles (by tak ing o ff th e invidiousness ) your glori es .
Tw o losing to t w o are better reco nciled than o n e to o n e ,
in that close butchery The hostile feeling is we akened .
by multiplying the channels War becomes a civil gam e . .
By such reasonings as these th e o l d lady was accustomed

to de f end her f avourite pastime .
N o inducement could ever prevail upon her to play at

'
any gam e where chance entered into the composition f o r

Chance sh e would argue —and h ere again admi re
, ,
?
no th i ng
—
.
, ,
the subtl ety o f her conclusion chan ce is nothing b ut ,
where something else depends upon it It is obviou s that .
cannot be gl or y What rational cause o f exultation could

.
it g iv e to a m an to turn up size ace a hundred times to ?

gether by himself ? o r bef ore spectators wh ere n o stak e was ,
depending Make a lottery o f a hundred thousan d ticke ts

with but on e fortunate number —
-
and what possibl e prin

ci p l e o f o u r n ature except stupid w onderment cou l d i t
, ,
gratify to gain that number as many times succe ss ively

without a prize ? Theref ore she disliked the mixture o f
‘ ’
chance in back gammon w here it was n ot p layed fo r money

, .
Sh e called it f oolish and those people idiots ; Wh o w e r e

‘
'
tak en with a lucky hit u nder such ci rcumstances G ames .
of ure s k ill were as little t o her fancy Pla ed f a stak e

’
p y o r .
,
4 8 E SSAY S OF EL I A
—
th ey w e re a m ere
ys te m of o ve r reac hing Pl ay ed fo r
s -
.
l t h ey were a m e r e s e tti n g o f o n e man s wit h i

’
m emor y o r combin ation f ac ulty r ather —

o ry
g , s ,
,
against anothe r s ;
-
’
l ike a m o ck engage m ent at a r eview bloodl ess and p r o fi t

-
l ess . Sh e could n o t c onceive a game wanting the sprite]y

i nfusi on o f chance t h e handsome excuses o f good f ortune
, .
Tw o people play ing at chess in a corner o f a room whil s t -

,
'
wh ist was stirring in the centre would inspire her with ,

' '
i n s u fi e r ab l e h orror and ennui Th ose well cut s imil itude s .

-
o f Castles and K n ights the t m ger y o f t h e board she woul d, ,
argue ( and I think 1n this case justly) were entirely mis

,
placed and s en se less Those hard head contests can i n no

.
-
.
instan c e ally with th e fancy They reject f orm an d colour . .
A penci l an d dry slate ( she use d t o say) were the proper

arena f o r such combatants .
To those puny objectors against cards as nurtur ing the ,
bad passions she would retort that man is a gaming

, ,
animal He must be always trying to get the b e t t er m

—
.
s omething o r o t h e 1 z that this passion can scarcely b e

more safely expended than upon a game at c ards : that
cards are a temporar y illusion I n truth a mere drama ,
fo r we do but p l ay at b e ing m l gh t i l y concerned where a ,
f e w idle shi l lings ar e at stake y e t during the illusion we , , ,
ar e as mightily concerned as those whose stak e is crowns
and kingdoms They are a sor t o f dream fi gh t i n g ; much

.
-
ado ; great battling and little bloodshed ; mighty m eans,
fo r disproportioned ends : quite as diverting and a grea t ,
deal more innoxious than many o f those m ore serious games

,
o f lif e which men play without esteeming them to be such

, .
With great deference to the old lady s j udgment in these ’
matters I think I have experienced some moments in my

,
li fe when playing at cards f or n othi ng has even been agree

,
able When I am i n sickness or not in the best spirits I

.
, ,
sometimes call fo r the cards and play a game at piquet f or

l o ve with my c ousin Bri d get Bridget E lia
,
— .
I grant there is s o meth ing sneaking in it ; but with a

o
t o h t ache o r a sp rai n e d an k l e — when you are subdued
—
-
a n d h u m b l e y ou a re gl ad to put up w ith an in fe ri o r
,
s pring o f action .
A C HA P T E R ON EAR S 49
Th ere i s su ch a thi ng in n at ure I am conv ince d , ,

as s i ck
whis t
I grant it i s not the h ighes t style o f man—I deprecate
.
the manes o f —
Sarah Battle she lives n o t alas to whom I ,
should apologise .
A t such times those ter ms which my o l d friend objected

to come in as something admissible —
,
,
I love to get a tierce
o r a quatorze though they mean nothing
,
I am subdue d .
to an inferior intere s t Those shadows o f winning amuse .
me .
'
That last game I had with my sweet cousin ( I capotte d
ner) —(dare I tell thee how f oolish I am — I wished it ,
m ight have lasted f o r ever though we gained nothing and , ,
lost nothing though it was a mere shade o f play : I would

,
be content to go o n i n that idle folly fo r ever The pipk in .
should be ever boilin g that was to prepare the gentl e ,
lenitive to my f oot which Bridget was doomed to apply,
af ter the game was over : and as I do not much r el i sh ,
appliances th ere it should ever bubble B idget and I

, .
‘
s hould be e ver playing .
A C HAP TER ON EAR S .
—
H AVE no e ar .
M istake me n o t reader nor imagine that I am by ,
nature destitute o f those e xterior twin appendages hangin g ,
ornaments and ( architecturally speaking) handsome volute s

,
to the human capital Better my mo ther had never borne

—
.
me I am I think rather delicately than copiou sly p ro

.
, ,
v i d e d with those conduits ; and I f eel no disposition to
envy the mul e f o r his plenty o r the mole fo r her exactn ess
in those ingenious laby rinthine inlet s—those indispensabl e
, ,
side intelligencers
-
N either have I incurre d o r don e anything to incur w ith , ,
—
D ef oe that hideo us disfigurement which constraine d h i m
, ,
to d raw upon assurance t o f eel q uite u naba s hed

“
and ,
E l ss n h igh t d
ar e b h d D e fo e
o DW M J s oo . u na as e , .
“
’
ease upon that ar ti cl e I was never I thank my s tars
at .
, ,
i n the pillory n o r i f I read them aright is it within the

, ,
c ompass o f my destiny th at I e ver should be , .
When th ere fore I say that I have n o ear y o u will under ,
stand me to mean or mus ic To say that this h eart neve r .
melted at the concord o f sweet sounds would be a foul sel f ,
libel Water p ar ted f r om th e s ea nev er f ails to move it

.
”
strangely So does I n i nf ancy
.
But they were u s e d t o
“
.
be sung at her harpsichord ( the o l d fashioned instrument

in vogue in those days ) by a gentlewoman—the gentlest
-
su 1 e that ever merited the appellation—the sweetest—why

,
’
should I hesitate to name Mrs S once the blooming

—
.
F a nny V e a t h e r
V
al o f the Te m ple w h o had power to thr ill
the soul o f E lia s m all imp as he was even i n his long
, ,
coats ; and to mak e h i m glow tremble an d blus h with a , ,
passion tha t n o t faintly indicated the d ay spring o f that

,
-
absorbing sentim ent which was afterw ards destined to

f o r Alice W
ii
o verwhelm and s h d u e his nature qu ite n .
I even think that s eh ti mental ly I am d i sp es ed to harmony .
But or gani cally I am incapable o f a tune I have been .
practising God s ave the Ki ng all my li fe ; whistling and

humming o f it ove r to m yself in solitary cor ners ; and am
n o t yet ar 1 i v e d they tell me within many quavers o f it
, , .
Y e t h ath the loya l ty o f E lia never been impeached .
I am not without suspicion that I have an u developed

n ,
fac ulty o f m usic wi t hin me F o r thrumming I n my mild

.
,
way on my fri end A s piano the other morn i ng while he

was en gaged i n an adjoining parlour —
.
, , ,
, o n his return h e ,
was pleased t o s ay h e thought i t coul d no t be the mai d !

,
”
On his first surprise at h e ar ing the keys touched in som e

wha t a n ai ry and mas t er f ul way n o t dreami n g o f me h i s
‘
“
, ,
s uspicion s h ad ligh ted on J enny

.
But a grace snatched
.
.
,
—
fro m a superio r refinement soon convinced him
,
that so m e
being technically perhaps deficient but h i gh e I in formed
—
,
fI Om a principle c ommon to all the fine arts had s w ayed

t h e k eys to a mood wh ich Jenny with all her ( less culti ,
v at e d
) enth usiasm coul d never
,
have elicited fro m th em I .
m ention this as a proof o f my f riend s penetration and n o t

’
with any vie w o f disparaging Jen n y .

5 2 E SSA Y S OF EL I A
po se s o f th e chee rf ul playhous e ) watchin g th e faces of th e
auditory i n the pit ( what a contrast t o Ho gar t h s Laughi ng ’
Audien ce !) immoveable o r e ff ecting some f ain t emotio n

,
ti ll (as some have said that o u r occupations in the next

,
world will be but a shadow o f what delighted us in this) I

h ave imagined myself in some cold Theatre i n H ade s ,
where some of the f or ms o f the earthly o n e should be kept

up with none o f the enj oyment ; o r like that
—P
,
ar ty in p arl ou r
a
All si l e n t , an d al l DAMNED .
Above , all those insu ffe rabl e concert os and piece s o f ,
music as they are called do plague and embitter my ‘
—
, ,
apprehensio n Words are something ; but t o be exposed '
to an endless battery o f mere sounds to be lon g a dyin g ;

to lie stretched upon a rack o f roses ; to keep up languor
by unintermitted e ff ort ; to pile honey upon sugar and ,
sugar upon honey t o an interminable tedious sweetness

,
to fi l l up sound with feeling and strain ideas t o k eep pace ,
with it ; t o gaze on empty f rames and be f orced to make ,
the pictures f o r yourself ; to read a book al l s top s and be , ,
obliged to supply t h e verbal matter ; to invent e x t empore

tragedies t o answer to the vague gestures of an in explicable
rambling mime —these are f aint shadows of what I have
undergone f rom a seri es o f t h e ablest e x e c r te d pieces o f -
this empty i ns tr umental mus i c .
I deny n o t that in the openin g o f a con cert I h ave e x p e

vastly lulling and agreeable z—after
, ,
ri en c e d something
w ards f ol l owe t h the languor and the oppression —L ik e .
that di sappointing book in Patmos ; o r lik e t h e comings o n ,
o f melancholy described by Burton doth music mak e her

, ,
fi rst insinuating approaches Most pleasant it is t o such

as are melan choly give n to walk alon e in some solitary ,
g rove ,
bet w ixt wood and water by some brook si d e and , ,
to meditate upon some d elightsome and pleasant subject ,
which shall afl e c t him most a mabi l i s i ns ania and mentis

‘
, ,
g r ati ss i mu s er r or A most
. incomparable delight to build
castles in the ai r t o go smil ing to themsel ves actin g an
,
“
infini te variety o f parts which th ey suppose and strongly

, ,
A C HA P TER O N EAR S 53
1 mag ne they act

1 , that ,
o d e li gh tso m e
or th e y s e e done —S
these toys at first they could spend whole days and nights ,
withou t sleep even whole years in such contempl ations

, ,
a n d f antastical meditations which ar e li k e so many dreams
and will hardly be drawn from them —winding and u n

, ,
winding themselves as so many clock s an d still pl eas ing ,
their humours until at the last the SCENE T URNS U PON A ,
SUDDEN and they being n e w h ab i t at e d to such meditations

,
and solitary places can endur e no c ompany can think o f

“
, ,
nothing but harsh and di stastef ul subjects F ear sorrow .

, ,
'
suspicion subm stzeus p udor di scontent cares and weariness
, , , ,
o f lif e surprise them o n a s

,
udden an d they can think of ,
nothing else : continually suspecting no soone 1 are their ,
eyes Open but this infern al plague o f melancholy s e i z e th

,
o n them and t e rr i fi e s their souls representing some dismal

, ,
object t o their min d s ; which now by no means no labour , ,
no persuas ions they can avoid they can not be rid of t h ey

, , ,
r
”
cannot resist .
Something like this SCEN E TU RN I N G I have experienced “
at the evening parties at the house o f my good Catholic ,
fr iend N o n who by the aid o f a capital organ h i m sel f, ,
the most finished o f players converts his drawing room ,

-
into a chapel his week days into Sundays and thes e latter
-
,
‘
into minor heavens *

.
When my friend c o mmences upon one of those solem n

anthems which peradventure struck upon my heedless e ar
, ,
rambling in the side aisles o f the dim Abbey some fi v e ,
and thirty years since waking a new sense and putting a

soul o f o l d religion into my young apprehension —
-
, ,
( whether
it be that in w h i ch t h e Psalmist weary o f the persecutions
—
, ,
o f bad men w i s h e t h t o himsel

,
f dove s wings o r th a t o ther
,
’
which with a like measure o f sobriety and pathos i n qu i r e t h

’
\
, ,
by what means the you n g m an shall best cleanse his mi nd

—
a holy calm p e1 v ad e t h me I am f o r the ti me .
-
rap t ab o ve e arth ,
A n d p oss ss j y s no t p r m i se d t m y b i th
'
e o o a r .
B u t vf b en th i s master o f the spell not con ten t to ha ve

‘ '
r
,
1 h v e be n th and sti ll w ul d g
’
a
T is lik e
e
a
er e,
l i ttl e h e aven b l w — e o
o
. DR
o
. WA ma ' ‘
.
54 E SSAY S or EL I A
laid a soul prostrate goes o n in his power to infl ict more
— , , ,
'
bliss than lies in her capacity to receive impatient to

o v ercome her earthly with his heavenly — still pour ,
”
i n g m fo r protracted hours fresh waves and f resh f rom the

, ,
sea o f sound 01 f rom that inexhausted Ger man ocean above

, ,
which in triumphant progress dolphin seated ri d e those

, ,
-
Arions Haydn and Mo zar t w ith their attendant Tritons . ,
B ach B eeth o ven and a countless tribe whom t o attempt to

rec k on u p would but plunge m e again in the deeps —
, , ,
I ,
s tagger under the weight o f harmony reeling to and f r o at
my wits end —
,
clouds as o f f ran ki ncense oppress me

'
—
, ,‘
riests altars censers dazzle be f ore me the nius o f hi s
her toil s —
p , , g e ,
re li gi on hath me m s hadowy t iple ti

a
r ar a
i nvests the brow o f my f riend late so naked s o i ngenuous

—
, ,
h e i s Pope —and by him sits lik e as i n the anomaly o f

dreams a she Pope too —tri coroneted lik e himsel f —I am
, ,
converte d and yet a Protestant —

- -
, ,
, at once m a ll ens h er e
ti c ornm and mysel f grand heresiarch : o r three heres ies

centre in m y person —
,
1 am Marcion Eb i o n and Ce r i n th u s
—G o g and Magog—what not —till the coming in o f the
, ,
friendly s upper tray dissipates the figment and a draught

-
o f true Lutheran beer i n which chi e fl y my f riend shows

( .
himself no bigot ) at once recon ciles me to the rationalities

o f a purer faith and restores to me the genuine u n t e r ri fy
i n g aspects o f m y pleasant countenanced host and h o ste ss -
A LL F O O LS ’
D AY .
HE ompliments o f the seas on t o my worthy masters

c ,
and a merry first o f April to us al l !

Many happy return s o f this day to you and you and — —
y on Si 1
,
—nay never f ro w n man nor, put a lo n g face upon
J
, ,
the m atter D o not we know o n e another ? what need o f

.
ceremony among f riends ? we have all a touch o f that same

'
o u understand me a speck o f the motley Besh r e w— .
t h e man w h o o n such a day as this the gen er a l f es ti val , .

ALL F O O L S D AY
’
55
sh o uld affect to stand aloof I am nori e o f th ose sneakers .
'
.
I am fr e e o f th e corp oration an d care n o t who k nows i t

‘
,
.
H e that meets me in the forest t o day shall meet with n o -
wise acre I can tell him Stul tus sum Tr an slate me that
-
,
. .
,
an d tak e the meaning o f it to yoursel f f o r your pains .
What ! man we have four quarters o f t h e globe o n our side

,
at the least co mputation

F ill us a cup o f that sparkling gooseberry —w e wi ll drink
.
—
—
wise melancholy politic por this day and let us troll
—
no t o n
th e catch o f Amiens—du c a d me
, ,
du e ad me h o w goes it
He e sh ll h e see r a
Gr o s s fo ol s as he .
N owwould I give a tri fl e to know historically and ,
authentically who was the greatest f ool that ever lived

,
.
I would certainly give him i n a bumper Marry o f t h e

‘
.
,
present breed I think I could without much difii cu l ty

,
name y o u the party .
Remove your cap a little f urt her i f y ou please it hides , .
m y bauble An d now each man bestride his hobby an d

.
,
dust a w ay h i s bells to what tune he pleases I will giv e .
you for my part

, ,
— Th e cr az y o l d c h ur c h cl o c k ,
An d th e be wil der ed c h i mes .
G oodmaster E mpedocles you are welcome It is lon g , .
since y o u went a salamander gatherin g down ZEtn a Worse -

.
th an sa mphi re picking by some odds Tis a mercy yo ur .

’
worship did n o t singe your mustachios .
Ha ! Cl eo m b r o t u s 1 and what salads in f aith did you li ght

‘
‘
u pon at the bottom o f the Mediterranean Y o u we re f ounder ,
I take it of the disinterested sect o f the Cal e n t u r i s ts

, .
G ebir my o l d f ree mason and prince o f pl asterers at

,
-
,
‘
Babel 1 bring i n your trowel most Ancient Grand ! Y e ?

, ,
“
have claim to a seat here at my right hand as patron o f

'
,
'h e stamm erers Y o u le f t your wor k if I rememb er H e r o
.
n
,
A god l eap d f n d l y i nto E tna fl ames —

L H
w
*
h o to b e d m d
’
e , ee
j
“ ’
, o
Lt He wh o to enjoy
Pl to E l y siu m l eap d i nto t h e sea—I
,
’ ’
a s ,
[ 1 Th e b il d xt f Bab e l o n th e p l ai n
—l
u e rs n e o
O f Se nna
56 E SSAY S OE EL I A
d ot u s o rect ly at ei ght hundr ed mi ll ion t oises or there
c r , ,
about above t h e level of the s ea Bless u s what a long

, .
,
bell rope y o u mu st have pu

-
l led t o call your t op work m en t o ,
their nuncheon on the l o w grounds o f Shi nar Or did y o u .
send up your garlic and on ions by a rocket ? I am a rogue if

'
I am n ot ashamed t o show y o u o ur Monument o n F ish street -
Hill af ter your altitudes Y et we th ink it some w hat

, .
—
.
W a h t the magnanimous
, A l exander 1 n t ears 9 cry baby , ,
u t its finge r i n i t s eye it shall have another globe round

p ~
, ,
as an orange pretty moppet !

odso I honour your coat—pray do us the
,
Mister A dams ,
favour to read to us that sermon which you lent to Mistress

Slipslop —the twenty and second in your portmanteau there
,
’
— o n F emale Incontinence — the sam e —i t will come in most

ir1 e l e van tl y and impertinently seasonable to the time o f d ay .
G o od Master R aymund L ully you look wise Pray ,

.
correct that e r r or .
D uns spare your definitions

,
1 must fine you a bumper .
,
or a paradox We will have nothing said o r done sy l l o

.
g i s t i c al l y this d ay R emove those logical f orms

. w ai t e i , ,
that n o gentleman break the tender shins of h is ap p r eh e n

sion stumbling across them
Master Stephen yo u are late Ha l Cokes it is you
.
-
.
, ,
Aguech e ek my d ear knight let me pay my d ev o i 1 t o

— , ,
Master Sh allow your W orship 8 poor servant t o com

’
m and —
ou
y .
,
. Master S ilence I will use fe w words with you , .
Slender it sh all go hard if I edge n ot y o u in somewhere

,
Yo u six will engross all the poor W i t o f the company t o

day I k now it I know it
.
-
, .
H a ! honest R m y fine old L ibra rian o f Ludgate, ,
time out o f mind art t h ou here again ? Bless my doublet

it is not over new threadbare as thy sto ries what d ost
,
— ,
thou fl itting about the world at this rate —

-
Thy custom ers

are extinct de funct bed rid have ceased to read long ago
, , ,
.
Thou goest stil l among them seeing i f peradventure thou

canst hawk a o l ume o r t w o —G ood G ranville S
, , ,
th y .
la s t patron is fl own ,
.
Pan di on
'
Ki n g h e i s d ead ,
,
Al l th y fr i e n d s are l ap t i n l ead .
FO O LS D AY
’
A LL 57
N eve r theless noble R ,

come in and take you r seat ,
here , betwe en Armado and Q ui s ada ; fo r in true courtesy ,
in gravity in f antastic sm i li ng to thysel f i n courteous

, ,
smiling upon others in the goodly ornature of well ap ,
ar e l l e d speech and the comme n dation o f wise sentences

p , ,
thou art nothing i n ferior to those accomplished D o ns o f ,
Spain . The S pirit o f chivalry forsake me fo r ever when I ,
forget thy singing the song o f Macheath which declares

‘
that he might be happ y wi th ei th er situated between thos e

two ancient spinsters —W hen I f orget the inimita ble f ormal
,
love which thou didst make turn i ng now to the o n e and

—
, ,
M l v
now to the o ther with that a o an smile as i f Cerl,
i
vantes not G ay had written it f o r his hero ; and as i f
, ,
'
thousands o f perio ds must revolve bef ore the mirro r o f
-
"
,
cou rtesy could have given his invidious pre ference b e

tween a pair o f so goodly propertied and meritorious equal - -
damsel s .
i t
To descend from these altitudes and n o t to protract o u r

F ools B anquet beyond its appropriate day —fo r I fear the
,
’
s econd o f A pril 1 s not many hours distant—

,
i n sober verity
’
I will con fess a t1 uth to thee 1 eade r I love a F ool —as , .
naturally as i f I were of kith and kin to h im When a

, .
child W ith child like apprehensions that dived not below

-
the surface o f the matter I read t hose P ar abl es —not guess

, ,
ing at the involved W isdom—I had more yearnings towards

,
that simple architect that b uilt his house upon the sand , ,
than I entertained f o r his more cautious neighbour I o

.
gr udged at the hard censure pronounced upon the q uie t

soul that kept his talent ; and —prizing their simplicity
beyond the more provident and to my app r ehension some
w hat unf emi ni ne wariness o f their c o m p e t1 t o r s
,
I fe lt a
,
— ,
kindliness that almost amounted to a tendr e f o r t hose fi v e

th oughtless virgins —I have never made an ac quaintanc e
, ,
since that lasted : o r a friendship that answered ; with

, ,
any that had not some tin cture o f the absurd in their
char acters I venerate an h onest obliquity o f understand
.
ing . The more laughable blu nders a m an s h al l commit in ‘
your compan y the m ore te sts he giveth y o u that he w ill

, ,
n o t bet 1 a o r overreach o u I love the s a f e t y which a

y y .
5S ESSAY S o r EL I A
palpable hallucination warrants ; the security w hi ch a ,
word o u t o f reason ratifies An d tak e my word fo r this .

,
reader and say a f ool told it you i f you please t hat he

, , ,
who hath not a dram o f folly in his mixture hath po unds ,
o f much worse matter in his composition It is observed

that the f oolish er the f owl o r fi sh woodcocks —
.
,
dot
te r e l s —
, ,
’
cods heads &c th e fi ner the fl esh thereof and

’
-
, .
, ,
what are commonly the world s received f ools but such ’
whereof the world is not worthy ? an d what have been

some o f the k indliest patterns o f o u r species but so many ,
darlings o f absurdity mi nions o f the goddess and her white

—
, ,
bo ys R eader i f you wrest my words beyond their fair

,
co ns truc tion it is you and not I that are the Ap r i l F o ol

, , , .
A Q U AKERS MEE TING ’

.
S til l -
r b o n S i l ence th ou th at t
ar
F l oo d gate of th e d e ep er h ear t !
-
O ff sp ri ng o f a h eaven l y ki n d !
F rost o th e m o u th , and th aw o th e mi nd !
’ ’
S ecre cy s co n dan t , an d h e
’
fi
Wh o mak es r eli g i o n m ys ter y !
t
Ad mi r a i on s sp eak ing s t o n gu e !
’ ’
t
L e ave th y d e se r t sh ad e s am on g
, .
Re vere n d h er m i t s h al l o w d c e l l s ,
’ ’
Wh ere r e ir ed d e vo i o n d wel l s !
t t
Wi th th y e n h u si as ms com e , t
S e i z e our t ong ues an d s rik e us d u m b ! ‘
t
would st thou k n ow what true peace and quiet
E AD E R ,
’
mean ; wo u ld st thou find a re f uge f rom the noises and

’
clamours o f the multitude ; w oul d st thou enj oy at once ’
s olitude and society ; would st thou possess the depth o f

’
t hine own spirit in stillnes s W ithout being shut o u t f rom ,
the consolatory f aces o f thy species would st thou be alone ’
an d yet accompanied sol ita ry yet n ot de solate singul ar ,
e t n o t W ithout som e to kee p t he e in countenan ce ; a u ni t

y .
Fro m “
Poe m s o f al l so r ts ,
”
by Ric h a rd Fl eck no 16 53 .
pace alone in the cloisters or side aisles
To of so me
cathedral time stricken ;
,
-
O r un d e r h an gi n g m o u n ai n s , t
O r b y t h e fal l o f f ou n a in s t
is but a vul gar lux ury com pared with that wh i ch those
enjoy w h o come together f o r the purposes o f mo r e c omplete ,
abstracted solitude This is the loneliness t o be felt .

”
.
The Abbey Church o f Westminster hath nothing so solemn ,
so spirit soothing as the naked walls and benche s o f a

-
Q ua k ers Meeting
’
H ere are n o tombs no inscriptions
.
, .
—
S an d s, t
i gnobl e h i ngs ,
t
D r o p fro m th e m i n e d s i d e s o f k i ng s
but here is something which throws Antiquity h erself into

—
the f ore ground S I —eldest o f things —language o f
o l d N igh t —
LEN CE
primitive discourser —t o which the insolent

-
decays o f mouldering grandeur have but arrived by a

violent and as we may say unnatural progression
, , , .
Ho w r e ver e n d 1s th e vi ew o f th e se h u sh e d h ead s ,
L o ok in g t an qui l li ty !
r
plotting nought caballing unmischie vous s y

N othing -
,
-
nod ! convocation without intrigu e ! parliament withou t

debate ! what a lesson d ost thou read to council and to
consistory i f my pen treat o f you lightly —
,
as haply it
will wander—yet my spirit hath gravely felt the wisdom
-
o f your custom when sitting among o u in deepest peace

y, , ,
which so m e out welling tears would rather confirm than

-
d istur b I have reverted to the times o f your beginnings

and the so w ings o f the seed by Fo x and D e w e s b u r y —
, ,
I
have witnessed that which brought be fore my eyes you r
heroic tran quillity in fl exi ble to the r u de jests and serious
,
violences o f the insolent soldiery republican o r royalist

sent to molest you —fo r ye sate betwixt the fires o f two
, ,
persecutions the outcast and o ff scouring o f c h urch and

,
-
presbytery I have seen the reel ing sea r u flian who had
.
- -
wandered into your receptacle with the avowed intenti on

o f disturbing your quiet fr om the very spirit o f the p l ace ,
A Q U A K ER S
’
M EE T I N G 61
re ce i x e a mom
in ent a new heart and presently sit amon g ,
ye as a lamb amidst lambs An d I remember Penn before .
his accusers and F ox in the bail dock where he was lifted

, ,
up in spirit as he tells us and the Judge and the Jury

, ,
”
b ecame as dead men under his f eet .
R eader i f you are not acquain ted with it I would r e c om

, ,
mend to you above all church narr atives to read Sewel s

,
-
,
’
H istory o f the Quak ers

, It is in f olio and is th e abstract .
,
o f the journals o f F o x and the primitive F riends It is far .
more edifying an d aff ecting than anything you will read o f

We Sl e y an d his colleagues Here is nothing to s tagge1 .
o u nothing to mak e you mistrust no suspicion o f alloy

y , , ,
n o drop or dreg o f the worldly or ambitious spirit You .
will here read the true story o f that mu ch injured ridiculed -
m an ( who perhaps hath been a byword in your m outh)

J ames N aylor what dread ful su ff erings with what ,
patience he endured even t o the boring throu gh o f his

, ,
tongue with red hot irons without a murmur and with -
what strength o f mind when the delusion he had fallen ,

'
into which they stigmatised fo r blasphemy had given way

, ,
to clearer thoughts he could ren ounce his error in a strain , ,
o f the beautif ullest humility yet keep his first grounds and
be a Q u ak e r still —so di ff er ent from the practice o f your

, ,
common converts from enthusiasm who when they aposta , ,
t i z e ap os tati ze all and think they can never get far enough
, ,
'
from the society o f their f ormer errors even to the renun ,
c i at i o n o f some savi n g truths with which t hey had been ,
mingled not implicated

,
.
Ge t the writings o f J o h n W oolman by he art ; and love

th e early Quakers .
H o w far the f ollowers o f these good men i n o u r days

h av e k ept to the primitive S pirit o r in what proportion ,
they have substituted f orm ality fo r it the Judge o f S p irits ,
can al one determine I have seen faces in their assembli es

.
upon which the dove sate v isibly brooding Others again .

, ,
I have watched when my thou ghts should have been better

,
engaged in which I coul d possibly detect nothi ng b u t a

,
blank inanity B u t qui et was in all and the disposition to

.
,
unanimity and the absence o f the fierce c ontroversi al

,
62 E SSAY S O F ELI A
w .
—
orki ngs I f th e sp ir itual pr ete ns ions o f th e Q u ak ers hav e
abate d at leas t they make fe w preten c es
,
Hy p o c 1 i t e s they .
ce r tainly are not in their preaching It 18 seldom indeed

, .
, ,
that y o u shall see o n e get up amongst them to hold forth .
Only now and then a trembling female generally anci ent

voice i s heard—
, , ,
o u cannot guess f rom what art f the

y p o
meeting it proceeds —with a l w buzzi n g musical sound f

, , ,
layin g o u t a fe w words which she thought might sui t the

condition o f some p 1 e s e n t with a quaking di fli d en c e Which
leaves no possibility o f supposing that an ything o f f e m
, ,
ale
vanity was m ixed up where the tones were s o full o f ten
,
derness and a restraining m odesty The men fo r wh at I

, .
-
have observed speak seldomer , .
Once only and it was some years ago I witn essed a

, ,
s ample o f the old Fo x i an orgasm It was a m an o f gian t

stature who as Wordsworth phrases it m
.
, , ight have dance d ,

”
f rom head to f oot equipt in i ron mai l Hi s f rame was 01 .
iron t o o But he was malleable I saw him shake al l over

w ith the spirit—I dare n o t say o f delus 1 o 11
. .
,
Th e striving s .
o f the outer man were u n u t t e r ab l e h e seemed n o t to w
speak but to be spoken f rom I saw t he strong man bowed

,
.
down an d his knees t o fail h i s j oints all seemed loosening

—i t was a figure to set o ff against Paul preach ing —th e
- m
words he uttered were fe w and soun d — h e was evidentl y

resisting his will—k eeping down his o w n word wis dom
,
with more mighty e ff o rt than the world s orators strain fo r ’
”
theirs H e had been a WI T in his youth he told us with
.
“
, ,
expressions o f a sober remorse An d it was not till long .
af ter the impression had begun to wear away that I was

enabled with somethin g like a smile to recall the strik ing
—
, ,
incongruity o the co ession understan di ng the term in

f nf
its worldly acceptation —wi t h the frame an d physiognomy
o f th e pe r son be f ore me H i s brow would have scared away
the Levities —the Tocos Risus que fast e r than the Loves
.
—
fi
fl ed the face o f D i s at nna B y wi t eve ni n his youth I

E .
, ,
w ill be swo r n he understood somethi ng far w ithin t h e

,
limits o f an allowable liberty .
More frequently the Meeting is brok en up w ithout s

word h aving been spoken But the mind h as been fed . .
T HE O LD AND N EW SC HO O L M A ST ER 63
You go away with a sermon n o t made wi th hands Yo u ‘ ’
h ave "
been in the milder c av e r n s o f Tr o p h o n i u s ; 01 as i n '
'
some den where that fiercest and savagest o f all wild

'
creatu res the TONG UE that unru ly member has strangely

'
, , ,
—
lain tied u p and captive Yo u have ba thed w ith stillness . .
0 when the spirit is sore f rette d even tired to sickn ess

, ,
o f the janglings and nonsense noises o f t h e world wh at a -
bal m and a solace it is to go a n d se at yourself fo r a quiet

half hour upon some undisputed corner o f a bench among
-
,
'7
the gentle Quak ers !
Their garb and stillness conj oin ed present auni formity
'
, ,
tranquil and herd like as l n the p asture -

f or t y f eedin g
-
li ke o n e .
’
Th e very garments o f a Quaker see m incap abl o f r e ce i v

e
i n ga soil ; and cle anl iness in them to b e somethin g mor e
th an t h e absence of its contrary Every Q uakeress is a .
lily and when they come up in bands t o their W hitsu n

c onferences wh i tening the easterly s treets o f the metro
,
p olis from all parts of the United Kingdom they show like
, ,
tr ci o p s o f the Shining Ones .
NE W
‘
THE OLD AND THE son o oLMAsTEE .
reading has been lamentably desul tory and i mm eJ

Y
t h o di c al Od d o u t o f the way old E nglish ip l ay s and
.
, , ,
treatises have supplied me with most o f my notions an d

, ,
'
should have scarcely cut a figure am o n g t h e f rankl ins, o r

country gentlemen in king John s days I k now l es s geo ~
,
.
graphy than a scho olboy o f six weeks standing To me a ’
map o f o l d O rtelius i s as authentic as Arrowsmith I d o '
not know whereabout Africa merges into fAs i a whether '
Ethi opia lie in o n e o r oth er o f those gre at l d i v is i on m;Z n or s
can form the remotest conjectu re o f the p o s i ti on of Ne w « u
So u th Wales o r Van D i e m e n s Lan d Ye t d o I h o l d i a co w

’ '
. .
,
respondence with a very dear friend in the fi rs t named o f -
these two Te r rse Incognitas I have no astronomy I do . .
not know where to look f o r the Bear o r Charles s Wain ; ,

’
the place o f any star ; o r the name o f any o f them at sight

I guess at Venus only by her brightness—an d i f the sun o n
.
some portentous morn were to make his first appearance i n

the West 1 verily beli eve that w hile all the world were
, , ,
gasp ing in apprehension about me I alone should stand u n , ,
terrified from sheer incuriosity and want o f observation

, .
Of histo ry and chronology I possess some vagu e points such ,
as o n e cannot help pick ing up in the course o f miscellaneous

study ; but I never deliberately sat down to a chro n icle ,
even o f my o wn country I have most dim apprehensi ons .
o f the fo u r great monarch i e s

; an d sometimes the Assyr ian ,
sometimes the Persian fl oats as fi rs t i n my fancy I m ake

, . .
the widest conjectur e s con cer ning Egypt and her shepherd ,
king s My fr1 end M w i th gr e at pain s taking go t m e to

.
,
thin k I understoo d the first p ropos it i on 1n E uclid b u t gave ,
me over in despair at the s ec ond I am entire ly n u .
acquain ted with t h e m oder n l anguages ; and like a better ,

”
man than my se lf h av e sm all L atin and less G reek
, 1 .
am a stranger to t h e sh ape s an d texture o f the commonest

trees herbs fl o w e r s —n o t f rom the circum stance o f my
being to w n born —
, ,
-
f o r 1 shou ld have brought the same i n
obser vant s pir it into the world with me had I fi rst seen it
o n D evo n s l eaf y s hores
’
— and am no less at a loss among
,
’
,
purely to w n objects tools engines mechanic processes

No t that I aff ect ignorance —but my head h as not many
, , , .
mansions nor spacious ; and I have been obliged to fill it

,
w ith such cabinet cu r iosities as it can hold without aching .
I sometim es wonder h o w I have passed my probation with

so little dis credit in the w orld as I have done upon so , ,
meagr e a sto ck But t h e fact is a man m ay do very well

. ,
w ith a ve r y li ttl e knowledge an d scarce be f ound o u t in , ,
mixed compan y ; everybody is so much more ready to pro

du ce hi s o w n th an to call for a d i splay o f your acquisitions
, .
B u t i n a téta b téte there is no shu ffling The truth will o u t

-
f . .
Th er e i s n othi n g whi ch I dr e ad s o much as the being le f t ,
alon e fo r a u ar t er o f an hour with a se n s ible we ll in f o r m ed

q
-
,
T HE O L D AN D N EW SC HO O L M A ST E R 65
man , t h at d oe s n ot kn ow me I lat e ly go t m t o a di l em ma .
of t hi s s ort .
I n on e o f m y daily jaunts b e twe e n B is hop sgate and

Sh ac k l e w e l l , the coach stopped t o take up a st aid looking -
gentleman , about th e wr ong side of thirty, w h o was giving

his parting direction s ( while th e steps were adjusting) in a ,
to ne o f mild authority to a tall youth who seemed to be , ,
n either his clerk his son nor his servant but s omething
, , ,
partaking of all three The youth was dismi ss ed and we

.
,
dro v e o n As we were t h e sole passengers he naturally

.
,
enough address ed his conversation t o me ; and we discu ssed

the m erits of th e f are ; the civility and punctuality o f the
driver ; the ci r cumstance o f an opposi tion coach having
been lately set up w ith the probabilities o f its success —to
,
al l w hi ch I Was enabled to return pretty satisfactory

answers having b een drilled into this k ind of etiquette by
,
s ome years daily practice o f riding to and f r o in the stage

’ '
af oresaid — when he suddenly alarmed me by a startling

ques tion whether I had seen the show o f prize cattle that
'
morning in Sm i t h fi el d ? N ow as I h ad not seen it , and do ,
n o t greatly care f o r such sort o f exhibitions I was obliged ,
to return a cold negat ive He seemed a little mort i fi ed as .

,
'
w ell as astonished at my declaration as ( it appeared ) he
, ,
w as just come f resh from the sight and doubtless had hoped ,
to compare notes o n the subject H owever he assured me .

,
that I had lost a fine treat as it far exceeded the show o f ,
last year We were n o w approachi ng N orton Fal gat e when

.
,
the sight o f some shop goods ti cketed f reshened him up into

-
a dissertation upon the cheapness o f cottons this spring I ,

.
was now a littl e in heart as the nature o f my morning ,
avocations had brought me into some sort o f familiarity

with the raw material ; an d I was surprised t o find h ow
eloquent I was becomin g o n th e state o f the India m arket ;
when presently he dashed my incipient v an ity to th e
, ,
earth at once by 1n qu i r i n g whether I had eve1 made any

,
calculation as to the value o f the rental o f all t h e retail

'
shops in London Had he asked o f me what song t h e

'
.
Syrens sang o r what name A chilles assumed wh en h e h i d

,
h imsel f a mo ng wo m e n I mi g ht w ith Si r Thomas B r own e

, , ,
”
have haz arde d a wide soluti on My compan i on saw .
my embarrassment and the almshouses beyond Shored i tch

, ,
j ust coming in view with g

”
r eat good nature an d dexte r ity
, 2
-
shi fted his conversation to the subject o f public charities ;

which l e d to t h e comparative merits o f p r o v 1 8 1on fo r the
poor in past and present times with observations on th e old ,
monastic institutions and charitable orders ; but finding

, ,
me rather dimly impressed with some glimmering notions

f rom o l d poetic associations than strongly f ortified with ,
any sp eculations reducible to ( calculation o n the subject he ,
gave the matter up an d the country begi nning to Open ,
more and more upon us as we approached the turnpike at

,
Kingsland (the de s tined termination o f his journey ) he pu t ,
a ho m e thrust upon me in the most unfo rtunate position he

,
could have chosen by advancing some queries relative t o

,
the N or th Pole E xpedition While I was muttering o u t .
something about the Panoram a of those strange regions ,
( which I had actually seen ) by way o f parr ing t h e ques

y ,
tion the coach stopping relieved me from any further ap

, ,
prehensions My companion getting out le ft me in th e

.
,
comf ortable possession o f my ignorance and I hear d him ,
as he putting questions to an ou tside pass enger ,
who had alighted with him re garding an epidemic di sorder ,
that had bee n ri fe about D alston and which my f riend ,
assured h i m h ad gone through five or six schools in that

nei ghbourhood The truth now fl ashed upon me that my
.
,
companion was a s choolmaster ; and that the youth whom ,
he had par te d f rom at our first acquaintance must have

been o n e o f the bigger boys o r the usher —He was evi
, ,
.
,
d e nt l y a kind hearte d man who d i d not seem so much

-
desirous o f provok ing discussion by the questions whi ch he

,
put as o f obtaining in formation at any rate It did not

, .
appear that he took any interest eit her in such kind o f in , ,
ui r i e s f o r their o w n sake ; but that he w as in some way

q ,
b o und to seek fo r knowledge A greenish c ol o ured coat .

-
which he had o n f orbade m t to surm ise that he was a

, .
cle rgy m an The adventure gave bi r th t o some re fl e tion s

. c
" U rn B u r i al
f ,
f oreseeing the i n q o nv en i e n ce and favourably providing the ,
remedie caused o n e k ind o f grammar by sundry learned

,
men to be diligently drawn and s o to be set out On ly , ,
everywhere to be tau ght fo r the use Of learners and fo r the ,
hurt in changing o f s ch o o l nrai s t e r s ”

What a gus to in that
‘
which f ollows wherein it i s profitable that he ( the

pupil ) can orderly decline his nou n and his verb Hi s .
”
noun !
The fine dream is fading away fast ; and t h e least con
cern o f a teacher in the present day is to inculcate gram
mar r u les-
.
The modern schoolmaster is expected t o know a little Of

everything because h i s pupil is required not to be entirely
, ,
igno r ant o f anything H e must be superficially i f I may so

.
,
s ay omniscient
,
H e i s to know something Of pneumatics
.
o f chemistry ; o f whatever is curious o r proper to excite the
attention o f the youth f ul mind an insight into mechanics

is desirable with a touch o f statisti cs ; the quality o f soils
, ,
&c botany the constitution o f his country cum mu l tis a l i i s

.
, , , .
Yo u may get a n otion of some part o f his expected duties by

co nsulting the famous Tractate o n E ducation addressed to ,
Mr Har t l i b
—
these things these o r the desire o f them—h e is
. .
A l l ,
expected to instil not by set lessons from professors which

, ,
he may charge i n the bill but at school intervals as he , ,
walks the streets o r saunters throu gh green fields ( thos e

,
n atural instructors with his pup ls The least part

) i , O f .
what is expected from h i m is to be done l n school hours -

.
H e must insinuate knowledge at the mo ll ia temp om f andi

H e mus t seize every occasion the season o f the year— —
.
th e
ti m e o f the day—a passing clou d — a rainbow— a waggon o f
hay—a regiment o f soldi ers going by — to inculcate some

thing useful H e can receive no pleasur e from a casual
. ,
glimps e o f N ature b u t must catch at it as an object o f i n

,
str u c t ion He must interpret beauty into the picturesque

. .
He cannot r elish a beggar man o r a gipsy fo r thinking o f -
, ,
the suitabl e improvement N othin g co m es to him not .

, ,
spoiled by the sophi sticating m ediu m of m oral uses Th e

—
. .
U niverse that G reat Book as it has been call ed is t o ,

-
T HE O LD A N D N EW SC HO O L M A ST ER 69
him indeed t o al l intents an d pu rposes a book out of

, , ,
.
—
which he is doome d to read te dious homilies to distasting
schoolb oys Vacations themselves are none to him he is
.
,
,
only rather worse O ff than be fore fo r commonly he h as some

intrusive upper boy fastened upon h i mat such times ; some
.
-
cade t O f a great family ; some neglected lump o f nobility ,
o r gentry ; that he must drag after him to the play to t h e ,
Panorama to Mr Bartley s Orrery t o the Panopticon o r

, .
’
, ,
into the country to a friend s house o r his favourite water

,
’
ing place Wherever he goes this uneasy shadow attends

-
.
him A boy 1s at his board and m his path and m all h i s

.
, ,
movements He 1 s boy rid sick o f perpetual boy

.
-
, .
Boys are capital fellows in their o w n w y among their

a ,
mates ; but they are u n wholesome compan i ons fo r grown

people The restraint is f elt no less o n the o n e s ide than
on the other —
.
”
E ven a chi ld that plaything for an hour
.
, ,
tires al ways The noises o f children playing their o w n

fancies —
.
,
as I n o w hearken to t h em by fits sporting o n the , ,
green bef ore m y window while I am engaged in these ,
grave speculations at my neat suburban retreat at Shackle

well — b y distance m ade more sweet—inexpressibly tak e
from the labou r o f my task It is lik e writing to music . .
—
They seem to modulate my periods They o u ght at least to .
do s o fo r in the v oice o f that tender age there is a kind o f

poetry far unlike the harsh prose accents of man s conver ’
sation —I should but spoil their sport and diminish my

-
.
,
o wn sympathy f o r t hem by mingli n g in their pastime ,

.
I woul d not be domesticated all my days with a person

o f very superior capacity to my o w n — not i f I know m ys el f ,
at all from any considerations o f jealousy or sel f compa

,
-
rison fo r the occasional communion with such minds h as

constituted the f ortune and f elicity o f my life —but the
,
habit O f too constant intercourse with spirits above y o u ,
instead o f raising y o u keeps y o u down Too f requent

, .
doses o f original thinking from others restrain what lesser

portion o f that facul ty you may possess of your o wn Yo u .
get entangled in anothe r man s mind even as y o u lose ’

,
yoursel f in another man s gro und s Y ou are wal k ing with ’

.
a tall var let whose s tr ides o u t p ace you rs t o lass itude

,
-
.
7 0 E SSAY S O F EL I A
The constant operation o f such potent agency would r e '
duce me I am convi nced to imbecility Y ou may der ive

, , .
thoughts from others ; your way o f thinking the mould m ,
which your thou ghts are cast must be your own Intellect , .
m ay be imparted but not each man s inte l lectual f ram e

‘
’
, .
A s little as I should wish to be always thus dragged u p

ward as little ( O r rat her still l ess) is it desirable t o be
,
stunted downwards by your associates The trumpe t does .
not more than s tu n y o u by its lo udness than a whisper ,
teases you by its provoking inaudibility .
Wh y are we never quite at o u r ease in the presence o f a

.
schoolmaster —because we are conscious that he is not

quite at his ease in ours H e is awkward and o u t of place .
,
in the society o f his equals He comes like Gulliver from .
among his little people , and he cannot fit the stature o f

his understanding to yours H e cannot meet y o u o n the .
square H e wants a point given him like an indi ff erent

.
,
whist player He is so used to teaching that he wants to

-
.
,
‘
be teaching you O n e o f these prof essors upon my com

.
,
plaining that these little sk etches o f mine were anything

but methodical and that I was unable to mak e them other
,
'
w ise k indly o fl e r e d to instruct me in the method by which
,
young gentlemen in h i s semi nary were taught to compose

‘
E nglish themes The jests o f a schoolmaster are coarse

.
,
o r thin They do not tel l o u t o f school He is under the

. .
restraint o f a f ormal or didactive hypocrisy in company as ,
a clergyman 1 s under a mor al one H e can no more let h i s .
intellect loose l n society t han the other can his i nclinations .
He i s f orlorn among his coevals ; his j un iors cannot be hi .
friends .
I take blame to myself said a sensible man of th is ,
to a friend respecting a y outh who had

abr uptly that y our nephew was n o t ,
more attached to me But persons in my situation ar e

.
m ore to be pitied than can Well be imagined We are .
rounded by young an d consequently ard ently a ff ecti onate

, , ,
'
hear ts but we can never hope to share an ato m o f th eir

,
aff ections The relation o f master and schol ar f orb i d s th i s

. .
Ho w p l easi ng thi s mu st be to you h o w I envy yo u r f eel ings I m y ,

T HE O L D A N D N EW SC H O O L M A ST ER 7 1
fr iends wil l sometimes say to me when they see yo u ng ,
men whom I have educated re tu rn af ter some years ,

’
absence f rom school their eyes shining with pleasure , ,
while they Shake hands with their o l d master bringing a ,
present o f game to me or a toy to my wife and than k ing , ,
me in the war mest terms for my care o f their education .
A holiday is begged fo r the boys ; the house is a scene

o f happiness ; I only am sad at heart —Thi s fi n e sp i rited
, ,
-
and warm hearted youth who f ancies he repays his master

with gratitude fo r the care o f hi s boyish years —this young
-
man—i n the eight long years I watched over hi m with a

parent s anxiety never could repay me with one look o f
’
,
.
genuine f eeling He was proud when I praised ; he was

.
,
submissive when I reproved h i m ; but he did never l ove

me—and what he now mistakes f o r gratitude and kin d ness
,
fo r me is but the pleasant sensation which all persons f eel

,
at re v isiting the scenes o f their boyish hopes and fears ;

an d the seeing o n equal te rm s the man they were ac cus
”
t o m e d to look up to with reverence My wif e too th i s .
, ,
i nteresting correspondent goes o n to say my once darlin g

—
,
Anna is the wi f e o a schoolmaster

f When I married her
—knowing that t h e wif e o f a scho olmaster ought to be a
.
,
busy notable creature and fearing that m y gent le Anna ,
would ill su pply the loss o f my dear bustling m other just ,

' '
the ri dead who never sat still w as in every part o f the
, ,
h o u Se i n amoment and wh om I was o bliged sometimes to

,
threaten to fasten down m a chair to save her f rom fat i gu

—
,
ing hersel f to death I expressed my f ears that I w as brin g

ing her into a way o f life un su itable to her ; and she who ,
loved me tenderl y promised fo r my sake t o exert he rself to

,
perform the duties o f her n e w si t uation Sh e promised .

,
and she kept her word What wonders will not woman s
—
’
.
love perform My house is m an aged with a propriety an d

decoru m unkn own m other schools ; m y boys are wel l fe d
.
.
,
look healthy and h ave every proper accommodation ; an d

, ,
al l this pe r f ormed with a care ful economy that nev e r de ,
s cends to meanness But I hav e lost my gentle help les s

.
Anna ! When we si t dow n t o e nj oy an hour o f re pose after

the fatigue o f the day 1 am co m pe lled t o li st e n to what ,
h av e been her use ful ( and they are really usef ul ) e mploy
ments th rough the day and what she proposes fo r her to ,
morro w s tas k H e r heart an d her f eatu r es are changed

’
.
by th e duties o f he l situation To the boys she never .

,
app e ars other than the m aster 3 wif e and she looks u p to me ’
,
as th e boys ma s ter ; to who m all show o f love and aff ection

’
w o u l d be hig h ly i m p r o p e 1 and unbecoming the dign ity o f ,
h e r situ atio n and mine Y e t thi s my gratitude f orbids me

.
to hint to her : F o r my sake s h e submitted to be this

altered creature and can I r e p r o ac hh e r fo r it
,
F or the -
communication o f this letter I am inde bted to my cousin .
Bridget .
I MPE RF E CT SY MP A T H IE S .
I am o f a co n s ti t ti
u th at i t con so rts and sym p athis eth
on so gen eral ,
t
wi h al l thi ng I h n
s t or rath er i di osyn crasy in n yth i ng
av e o an ti pa h y , a .
T h ose n t
j
u d i ce t
a ura
h e F
l ep g r ciu d o n ot to u h m n o do I b eh ol d w ith p e
e n ch I t l i n S p an
r ,
n an
a a
es
r d or D u tch
, R l
iai gi o Medi ci
,
c e,
—
r
e
r
HAT the auth or o f t h e R eligio Medici mounted upon

the airy stilts o f abstraction conversant about noti onal ,
and conjectural essences ; in whose categories of B eing the

possible took the upper hand Of the actual ; shoul d have
overlook ed the impertinent individualities o f such poor .
concretions as mankind is not much to be admired It is , .
r athe r to be wonde r ed at that in the genus O f animal s he ,
should have condescended t o di stinguish that species at all .
F or mysel f earth bound and f ett red to the scene o f my

-
e
activiti es
Stan ding o n earth not rap t above th e sk y , ,
I conf ess that I do feel the di ff er ences o f mankind national ,
o r i ndividual to an unhealthy excess

, I canlook with no .
indiff erent eye upon things o r persons Wh atever is is .

,
t o me a matter o f taste o r distaste ; o r when once it becomes

i n di ff erent it beg i ns t o be disrel i shi ng
—
I am in pl ainer .
,
words a bundl e o f prej u dices made up o f lik ings an d

d i s l i k i n gs —
,
the ve r iest t h ral l to sy m p athies apathie s , ,

I M P ER FE C T SY M P A T HI E S 73
'
antipathics I na certain sense I hope i t m ay be said o f me

. ,
.
that I am a lover Of my species 1 can feel fo r all i n dif

'
.
fe r e n tl y but I cannot f eel tow ards all equally

,
The more .
purely English word t hat expresses sympathy will better

-
explain m y meaning I c an be a friend to a worthy man .

,
who upon another account cannot be my mate o r f el low N I .
cannot like all people alik e l

.
ae
I have been trying all m y life to like Scotchmen and am -
obliged to desist from the experimen t in despair They '
cannot like me —
.
:
and in truth I never knew one o f that ,
nation who attempted to do it There is something more .
plain and i ngenuous in their mode of proceeding We know .
o n e another at first sight There is an order o f impe rf ect .
intellects ( unde r which mine must be content to rank )

wh ich in its constitution is essentially anti Caledonian -
The own ers o f the sort o f f aculti es I allude to have minds ,
rather suggestive than comprehensive They have n o .
pretences to much clearness o r precision in their ideas or ,
in their m anner Of expressing them Their intellectual .
fi
I wo ul d b e u n d er s to o d as con ni n g m y sel f to th e s u b ec o f i mp erf ect j t
sy mp a th i es To n ati on s or c l as se s o f m e n th ere c an b e n o d i rec an i p a h y
. t t t .
v
Th ere m ay b e i ndi id ual s bo rn an d co n s el l a ed so o pp osi te to ano h er t t t
t t t
i n di vi d u al na u r e , h a t h e sam e sp h e re c ann o t h ol d h e m I h a e met t . v
wi th m y m oral anti p o des an d can b e l ie e th e s ory o f t wo p ersons mee t
, v t
i ng ( wh o n e ve r saw o n e an oth er b efor e i n th eir l i ves ) an d i ns tantl y
fi tgh i ng.
We
b y p ro o f fi n d h e re sh o ul d be t
T wi x t m an an d man s u c h an an t i pat h y,
’
t
Th at h ou gh h e c an Sh o w n o u st reas o n Wh y j
Fo r an y for m er wro n g o r i n u ry , j
Can n e i th er fi nd a b l e m i s h i n h i s fam e ,
t
N o r au gh i n fac e or feat ure us tl y b l am e , j
Can c h al l e n ge o r ac c u se h i m o f n o e vi l
’
Ye t not wi th stan di n g h ates h i m as a d e vil .
Th e l ines are fr o m o l d e ywoo d s H H

i e rar c h i e o f A n ge l s , and h e s u b
’
j fi t
o i n s a c uri o u s s to ry i n co n rm a i o n, o f a S p an i ar d w h o a te m p e d t o t t
assass i nate a k i n g Fer d in an d o f S p ai n , an d b ei n g p u t t o t h e r ac k c oul d
t
give no o h er re as o n fo r th e d e ad b u t an i nve e rat e an ip a h y whi c h h e t t t ‘
t fi t
h ad ak e n to t h e r s s i gh o f th e ki ng t .
Th e c aus e t t ac t comp el l d h im
w h i ch to h a
’
Was , he n e er
’
l o ved hi m s inc e h e first beh el d h i m .
"
74 E SSA YS O F EL I A
wardrobe ( to con f ess fairly) has fe w whole pieces in it .
They ar e content with fr agments arid scattered pieces o f

Truth Sh e presents no f ull front to them — a feature o r
side face at the most

-
H ints and glimpses germs and .
,
crude essays at a system is the utmost they p r e t e n d t o

They beat up a little game peradventure—and leave it to
. .
, .
knottier heads more robus t c on s t i tu ti o n s t0 run it down

, ,
v .
The light that lights them is not steady and polar but .
,
mutable and shiftin g : waxi ng and again waning Their ,

. . ,
conversation is accordingly They will throw o u t a random . .
word in or o u t o f season and be content t o let it pass fo r , .
what it is worth Th e y cannot S p eak a lways as i f they

were upon their oath—but must be understood speaking
. .
or writing with some abatement They seldom wait to

,
“
mature a p r ep o s i t ion but e en bring it to marke t in t h e ,

’
gree n ear They deli ght to impar their def ective discoveries
. .
t
as they arise without waiting fo r their development They

,
. .
are no syst ematizers and would but err more by attempting ,
it Their minds as I said before are suggestive merely

.
,
.
,
'
.
The brain o f a true Caledonian ( i f I am not mistaken ) is c o n

stituted upon quite adi fferent pl an His Minerva is born in
‘
panoply Y ou are never admitted to s e e his ideas in their

growth —i f indeed they do grow and are not rather put
.
, , ,
together upon p rinciples o f clock work Y o u never catch -
his mind in an undress H e never hints o r suggests any .
thing but unlades his stock o f ideas in perfect order and

,
completeness He brings his total wealth into company

.
, ,
and gravely u npack s it H i s riches are always about him . .
H e never stoops t o catch a glittering something in your

presence to share it with y o u be fore h e quite k nows ,
whether it be true to uch o r no t Y o u cannot c ry hal ves to .
anything that he finds H e does not find but bring Y o u .

, .
n ever witness his first apprehension o f a thing H i s under

s tanding 1s always at its meridian —y o u never see the fi rst
.
d aw n the e arly streak s —

,
H e has n o falterings o f sel f .
suspicion S urmises guesses misgivings hal f intuitions

.
, , ,
-
semi consciousnesses partial ill umination s d i m instincts

-
, , ,
embryo conceptions have no place in h is brain o r v o c ab u ,
lary The twilight o f dubiety never f alls upon him I s

.
.
J
7 6 E SSAY S O F EL I A 1
'
Way ) , that I wished it were the father instead o f the s o n

when four o f them started up at once to in f orm me that
'
,
”
that was impossible because he was dead An i m p r ac
, .
t i cab l e wish it seems was more than th ey could conceive

, , .
S wi f t has hit o ff this part o f their character namely ,
their love o f truth in his biting way but with an i l l ib e

‘
, ,
r al i t
y that necessarily confines the passage t o the margin ? “
The tediousness o f these people is cer tainly provok ing I

' "
w onder i f the y ever tire one an other —I n my early li fe I

.
had a passionate f ondness f o r the poetry O f Burns I have .
sometimes foolishly hoped to ingratiate myself with his .
country m en by expressing it But I have always found .
that a true Sc ot resents your admiration o f his compatriot

even more than he would your conte mpt o f him The .
latter he imputes t o your imperfect acquaintance with “

~
many O f the words which he uses and t h e sam e Objection

m ak es it a presumption in you to suppo s e that you can
‘
admire him — Thomson they seem to have forgotten

.
'
.
S mollett they have neither f orgotten n o r fo r gi v e n fo r his '
delineation o f R or y and his companion; upon their firs t

introducti o n to o u r me tropoli s —Speak Of Smollett as a
great genius and they will retort upon you Hu me s H istory
,
’
compared with his Continuation o f i t What i f the his .
torian had continued H umphrey Clin ke r

I have in the abstract no disrespect fo r the Jews They
, , .
'
are a piece o f stubborn antiquity c ompar ed With which ,
St o n eh e n g e li s in its nonage They date beyond the pyra .
mid s But I should not car e to be 111 habits o f familiar

.
inte rco urse with any o f that nation I conf ess that I have .
‘
no t the nerve s to enter their syn agogues O l d prejudices .
c ling about me I cannot shak e o ff the s tory o f Hugh o f

.
T h e re are som e fi cien tl y qui t th em ?

p eop l e wh o th i nk th ey su f ac
s e l ve s, an d
en t t i n th e i comp n y w ith el ati ng f ts f no use
er a r a , r ac o co ~
q u n ce
e n t t ,l l ot f t h
a e ro d
a f souh mm o
o n i n i d e n t h a
p pen o uc co c s as a
ev y d
er y ; a n d th i
a I h ve b e ved m s f q n tl y am n g t h e S
a o s ts r o re re ue o co
th an y than n ti n who er v yac f lo n t t

, m iot t h m i
ar e t t er ar e u o o o e nu e s
r
c i c u m st an c es o f t im e or p l ac e ; w h i c h k i n d di sco ur se i f i t were
of . no t
li t t l e r e l i e v ed b y th e u n c o ut h t erm s a n d p h ra s e s , a s w e l l as a c c e n t an d
—
a
g e st u r e , p e c u l i ar to th at c o u n t r y ,
'
w o u l d b e h ar d l y t ol e ra bl e . Hm t a
t o w a r d s an Es s ay on Con/ver s a t i on .
I M P ER FE C T SY M P A T H I E S 77
—
Lincol n Centuries o f injury contempt and hate o n th e
.
, , ,
o n e side o f cloaked revenge dissimul ation and hate o n

, , , ,
the other between our and their f athers must and ought
,
‘
to aff ect the blood o f the chi ldren I cann ot believe it can .
run clear and k ind ly yet ; or that a f e w words such as ,
candour liberality th e light o f the nineteenth century can

, , ,
close u p the breaches o f so deadly a disunion A Hebrew .
is nowhere congenial to me H e is least di stasteful o n

Change —fo r the mercantile spirit levels all distinctions as
.
’
,
all are beauties in the dark I boldly con fess that I do not .
relish the approximation o f Jew and Christian which has ,
become so fashionable The reciprocal endearments have .

,
to me something hypocritical and unnatural m them I do

, .
not 11k e to see the Church an d Synagogue kissing and con

_
geeing in awkward postures o f an affected civility I f they .
are convert ed why do they not come over to us altogether ?

,
Wh y keep up a fo r m o f separation when the li fe o f it is\ ,
fl ed ? I f they can sit with us at table why do they keck ,
at o u r cook ery I do not understan d these hal f conver

ti t e s Jews christianizing —Christians judaizing—pu z zle
.
me I lik e fish o r fl esh A moderate Jew is a more con

. .
founding piece o f anomaly than a wet Quak er The S pi r it .
o f the synagogue is essentially s ep ar ati ve B would .
have been more i n k e e p i n g if he had abided by the f aith o f

h i s f ore f athers There is a fine scorn in his face which
Christian s —
.
,
nature meant to be o f The H ebrew spirit

is strong in him in S pite o f his proselytism H e cannot
,
.
conquer the Shibboleth H o w it breaks o u t when he sings .

, ,
“
The Children o f Israel pass ed through the R ed Se a ! ”
Th e auditors f o r the moment are as E gyptians to h i m and

, , ,
he rides over o u r neck s in triumph There is no mistaking .
him B . has a strong expression o f sense in his coun

te n an c e and it is confi r m ed by his singing
,
The fo u n d a .
tion o f his vocal excellenc e is sense He sings with . .
understanding as Kemble delivered dialogue H e would

, .
s ing the Commandments and give an appropriate charac ,
te r to each prohibition H i s nation in general have n o t

over sensible countenances H o w sh ould they —but y o u
.
, ,
-
.
s eldom see a sil ly exp ression amon them G ai n and th e

g .
-
,
7 8 E SSAY S o r E LI A
ursuit o f gain sharpen a m an s visage n ever heard
'
of
’
p ,
I .
an idiot b eing born amon g th em Some admir e the Jewish ‘
—
-
.
f emale physiognomy
-
I admire i t
. b u t with trembling
Jael had those f ull dark inscrutable eyes .
In the N e gro countenance yo u will often meet with

strong traits o f benignity I have f el t y ear n ings o f tender
these aces o r rather masks —that
—
.
ness to wards some o f f

have look ed o u t ki ndly upon o n e in casual encou nte rs i n
the streets and h ighways I love what F uller beautif ully .
call s —these images o f G o d cut in ebony But I should .

”
not like to associate with them to share my meals and my

—
,
good nights with them because they are black “
I love Quaker ways an d Quaker worship I venerate , .
the Quak er principles It does me good fo r the rest o f the

.
day when I meet any o f their people l n my path When .
I am ru ffl ed o r disturbed by any occurrence the S l gh t o r , ,
quiet voice o f a Quak er acts u pon me as a ventilator , ,
lightening the air and tak ing o ff a load from the bosom
,
‘
But I cannot lik e the Quak ers (as D esde mona would say
.
to live w i th th em I am all over sophisticated—with

.
humours fancies craving hourly sympathy I must have

, .
books p 1ct u r e s theatres chit chat scandal jokes ambi

, , ,
-
, , ,
u i t i e s and a thousand whim whams which th eir simpler

g
-
, ,
taste can do without I should starve at their primitive

.
banquet My appetites are too high fo r the salads which

.
( according to E velyn ) E v e dressed fo r the angel

; m yg usto
t o o excited
‘
To i t a guest wi th D n i el t h i s p l se
'
s a a u
The in direc t answ ers which Quakers are o ften f ound to

re turn to a question put to them may be explained I think '
,
‘
without the vulgar assum ption that they are more given ,
to evas i on and e qu l vo c at l n g than other pe ople The

na turally look to their wo r ds more care fully; and are
y .
ni ore cautious o f committin g themselves They hav e

'
. .
'
a peculiar character to keep up o n this head They .
stand m a manner u pon their veracity A Quak e r i s by

law exempted f romtaking an oath The cust m o f r es o r t
.
o
.
i n g t o an oath i n e x tr em e cases s an c t ifi e d as it is by al
l ,
may be retorted the Quaker The astonishing composure
, .
o f this people is sometimes ludicrously displayed in lighter
instances I was travelling in a stage coach with three

.
- -
ma l e Quakers buttoned up in the straitest nonconformity

,
o f their sect We stopped to bait at Andover where a

.
,
meal partly tea apparatus partly supper was set be fore

, , ,
us My friends confined themselves to the tea table I in

.
-
.
my way took supper When the landlady brought in the . . .
bill the eldest o f my c ompanions d i scovered that she h ad

,
charged fo r both meals This was resisted Mine hostess . .
was very clamoro u s and positive Some mi ld arguments .
were used on the part o f the Quak ers f o r which the heated ,
mind o f the good lady seemed by no means a fit recipient .
The guard came with his usual peremptory notice The .
Quakers pulled o u t their money and formally tendered it

—s o much f o r tea—
— I in humble imitation tendering mi ne

fo r the supper which I had tak en Sh e would n o t relax
,
.
,
in her demand So they all three quietly put up their .
silver as did myself and marched o u t of the room the

, , ,
e ldest and gravest going first with mysel f closing up the ,
rear who th ou ght I could not do better than f ollow the

,
example o f such grave and war rantable personages We .
go t in The steps went up The coach drove o ff The

. . .
murmurs o f mine hostess not very indistinctly o r ambigu

—
,
o u sl
y pronounced became a f ter a time inaudible and n,
o w
my conscience which the whimsical scene had fo r a while ,
suspended beginning to give some twitches I waited in

, , ,
the hope that some justification would be o ffered by these

serious persons fo r the seeming injustice o f their conduct
"
To my great surprise not a syllable was dropped o n the

subject They sat as mute as at a meeting At length the
. .
eldest o f them brok e silen ce by inquiring o f his next ,
neighbour H ast thee heard h o w indigos go at the India

,
H ouse ? and the question operate d as s o p o r i fi c o n my

”
m oral feeling as far as E xete r .

WITC HES, AND OTHE R NI G H T F EARS .
E are too hasty when we set down o u r ancestors in th e

gross for fools f o r the monstrous inconsistencies ( as
,
they seem to us) involved in their creed o f witchcraf t In .
the relations o f this visible world we find them to have been

as rational an d shrewd to detect an historic anom aly as
, ,
ourselves But whe n once the invisible world was sup

.
posed to be open and the l awless agency o f bad spirits

,
assumed what measures o f probability o f decency o f fi t

ness o r proportion—o f that which distinguishes the likely
, , ,
f rom the palpable absu rd —

,
could they have to guide them

in the rejection or admission o f any particular testimony ?
— That maidens pined away wasting inwardly as their
waxen images consumed before a fi r e —that corn was lodged
,
and cattle lamed—that whirlwinds uptore in diabolic r e

,
v el r
y the oaks o f the f orest —o r that S pit s and kettles only
danced a fearful innocent vagary about some rustic s kitchen

-
’
when no wind w as stirring were all equally probable -
where no law o f agency was understood That the prince .
o f the powers o f darkness passing by the fl ower and pomp ,
o f the earth
—
should lay preposterous siege to the weak
,
f antasy o f indigent eld has n either likelihood n o r unli k e

l i h o o d ap r i or i to us who have no measure to guess at his
,
policy o r standard t o estimate what rate those anile souls

,
may fetch in the devil s market No r when the wicked ’

.
,
are expressly symbolised by a goat was it to be wondered ,
at so much that he should come sometimes in that body

and assert his metaphor —That the inte rcourse w as opened
, ,
at all between both worl ds was perhaps the mistake—but

.
that once assumed I see no r e as ori f or disbelieving o n e at

,
te sted sto ry o f this nature more than another o n th e score '
o f absurdity There is no law to judge o f the lawless o r

.
,
canon by which a dream may be criticised .
I have sometimes thought that I could not have existed

in the days o f received witchcraft ; that I could not h ave
slept in a village where o n e o f those repute d hags dwelt .
O ur ancestors were bolder o r m ore obtuse Amid s t th e .

‘
82 E SSA Y S OF E LI A
'
niversal belief that these wretches were in league with
u
t h e auth or o f al l evil h oldi ng hell tributary t o their m u t ,
teri ng no simple justice o f the peace seems to have scrupled

,
issu ing o r silly headbor ough serving a warrant upon the m

as if they should subp oena Satan l —Prospero l n his b o at
, ,
with his book s and wan d about hi m suffe rs hims elf t o be

,
, , ,
conveyed away at the m er c y o f h is enemies to an unkno wn

J
islan d He might have raised a stor m or two we th ink

.
, ,
o n the passage
,
Hi s acquiesce n ce i s i n exact analogy to
.
the n o n r esistance o f w itches to the constituted p owers

-
, .
What stops the F iend in Spenser f rom tearing Guyon to

—
, ,
pi ec s o r who had made it a condition o f his prey th at

—
e
t
G uyon must ta ke assay o f the glorious bai t w e have n o

guess We do n o t know the laws o f th at country
. .
7,
F rom m,y childhoo d I was extremely inquisitive abou t

witch es and w itch stories My maid and more legendary -
.
,
aunt supplied me w ith good store But I shall mention

,
.
the accident which dire cted my curiosity originally into

this channel In my father s book closet the history o f the
.
’
Bible by Stackh ouse occupied a distingu ished station The

w —
.
,
p ictures ith which it abounds o n e o f the ark in par ,
t i c u l ar and another o f S o l omon s temple delineate d with

’
al l the fide l ity o f ocular ad m

, ,
easurement as i f the artist

—
h ad been u pon t h e spot attracted my childish attention
,
There was a picture too o f the W itch raising up Samu el , ,
which I wish that I had never seen We shall come to

,
that hereafter S tackhouse i s in two huge tomes and.

,
there was a pleasure 1 n re moving f olios o f that magnitude ,
which with infinite straining w as as much as I could

, ,
manage from t h e situation which they occupied upon an

,
upper shelf I have not met with the work from that time
.
t o t h i s b u t I remember i t con sisted o f Old Testam ent

'
,
set down with t h e obj ecti o n appended to ,
1
the s ol uti on o f the objection regul arly tac k ed
to t hat The obj ecti on was a summary o f wh atever di di
.
c u l t i s h a d bee n Opposed to the credibility o f t h e hi tory

e s
by th e shrewdness o f ancien t o r modern i n fi delity d ra w n ,
up with an al most com pl imentary excess o f candour The ,
s o l uti o n was b ie f mo d e s t and satisf actor y The bane a d

r , n , .
I endured in this nature would justify the ex press i on 1 .
'
never laid my head o n my pill ow I s u p p ose f r o m th e
f ourth to the seventh o r eighth year o f my li fe —s o f ar as
, ,
m emory serves in things so long ago —without an assur

an c e w h i c h realized its o w n prophecy o f seeing so me f right
,
.
,
f u l spectre Be o l d Stackhouse then acquitted in part i f I

’
.
,
say that to his picture o f the Witch raising up Samuel

— —
,
( O that o l d m an c o v er e d with a mantle I Ow e n o t m y

midnight terrors the hell o f my in f ancy —but the shape
,
and manner o f their visitation It was he who dressed up

fo r me a b ag that nightly sate upon my pillow —
.
a sure
)
bed fellow w hen my aunt o r my maid was far from me

, .
Al l day long while the book was permitted me I dreame d

, ,
w akin g over his delineation and at night ( if I may use so ,
h o l d an expression ) awo k e into sleep and f ound the vision ,
true I durst not even in the day light once ente r the
.
,
-
chamber where I slept without my f ace turned to the ,
Window aversely f rom the bed where my witch ridden

,
-
pillow was Parents do not know what they do when they

.
leave tender babes alone to go to sleep in the dark The

feeling about f o r a f rie ndly arm —the hoping fo r a f amiliar
.
voice —whe n they w ake screaming—an d fi n d none to soothe

‘
them— what a terrible shaking it is to their poor ne r ves ! '
Th e keeping them up till m i d n i gh t t h r o u gh candle light , ,

-
and t h e unwholesome hours as they are called would I , ,

-
am satisfied in a medical point o f view prove the better

caution —That detestable picture as I have said gave the
, ,
f ashion to my dreams — if dreams they were —f o r the sc ene

.
, ,
of t hem was invariably the room in which I lay Had I .
never met with the picture the fears wo uld have c ome ,
self pictured in some shape o r other

-
He adl es s b ear , bl ac k man , or ap e
as it was my imaginations took that form I t is not

bu t , ,
.
-
book or picture o r the stories o f f oolish servants which

, , ,
create these t errors in children They can at most but .
give them a direction D ear little T H w h o o f al l . .
children has been brought up with the most scrupulous

—
exclusion o f very taint o f superst ition w h o was never
e
W I T C HE S ,
A N D O T HER N I G HT -
FEAR S 85
a llowe d to hear o f goblin or apparition o r scarc ely to be ,

'
told of b ad men or read o r hear o f any distressing story

,
»
finds all this world o f fear from which he has been so ,

.
rigidly excluded ab ex tr a in his o w n thick coming fan ,

-
cies and fro m his little m idnight pillow this nurse chil d ,
-
o f optimism w ill start at shap e s unborrowed o f tradition

'
, ,
in sweats to which the reveri es o f the cell damn ed mur -
derer are tranquillity

3 G o r o n s an d Hydras and Chim aeras dire —stories o f Ce
.
g , ;
l een o and the H arpi es —may reproduce themselves in the

,
brain o f superstition but they were there before They -
are tran scripts types—the ar ch e t y p e s ar e i n us and eternal

.
,
, , .
Ho w e l s e should the r ecital o f th at which w e k n o w in a

'
waki n g sen se to be false come to a ff ect us at all —

, ,
. or .
N me s
a , w h o se sen se we s e e n o t,
Fray us wi th t h in gs h at b e t no t ?
Is it that we naturally conceive terror from such objects ,
co nsidered 1 11 their c ap acity o f being able to in fl ict upon us “
bodily i nju ry O least o f all ! These terrors are o f ol der

standing They date beyond body—o r without the body
-
.
, ,
they would have been th e same Al l the cruel torment

i n g defin d devils in D ante —tearing mangling chok i ng
.
,
,
e , , ,
stifling scorching demons — are they o n e hal f so f earful to

t h e s p i ri t o f a man as the si m
,
l
ple idea o f a spiri t une m
,
b odied f ollowing him
on t h t on a l on e m e road
e a so
D oth w l k n fe r an d d ead a 1 a r ,
A d h vi n g ce turn 1 o n d wal k s on
’
n a on ,
( r u ,
A n d t ur n s n o m or e h i s h e ad ;
B e c au se h e k no ws a fn g h t f ul
'
fi en d
D oth cl os e b e h i n d h im tr e ad * .
Tha t t h e kind Of f ear

here treated o f is purely spiritu al
'
t hat it is stron g in p roportion as it is objectless u
pon
eart h —that it predominates in the period o f sinless i n
—
fancy are di ffi culti e s the solution o f which might a d o r d
,
so me probable in sigh t into our ante mun d ane condition an d

'
a peep at least into th e shadowlan d o f pre—

zD ,
existence .
Mr s Co l e ri dge ’
s A nc i e n t Mari ner .
' '
86 1
i i E SSAY S O F E LI A
' "
My igh t n long cea sed t o be afll i c t i v e I .
conf ess an occasio nal n i ghtmare ; but I do not as in early ,
youth keep a stud of them F iendish faces with the e x

,
‘
t i n gu i s h e d tape r will come and look at me ; but I know ,
them fo r mock eries even while I cannot elude their pre ‘
sence and I fi gh t and grapple with them F o r the credi t

,
’ '
.
o f my im a i n ati n I am almost ashamed to say how tame

g
‘
and prosaic my dreams are grown They are never r o .
ma ri t i c seld om even rural They are o f a1 c h i te c t u r e and

Of b u ildings —
.
,
cities abro ad which I have never seen and ,
hardly have hoped to see I have traverse d f o r the seeming .

,
length o f a natural day R ome Amsterdam Paris Lisbon

‘ ‘
—
, , , ,
their churches ; palaces squares mark et places shops

suburbs ruins With an inexpressible sens e o f delight—a
-
, , , ,
‘
, ,
map lik e distinctness o f trace and a day light vividness o f

vision that w as all but being awak e —
- -
I have f ormerly
travelled amon g the Westmoreland f ells—m y highest Alps
.
,
—
,
b u t th ey are objects too migh ty f o r the grasp o f my

dre aming recognition ; and I have again and again awoke
with ine ff ectual struggles o f the inner eye to mak e o ut a ,
s ape in any way whatever o f H elvellyn

h Methough t I , .
was in that country b ut the m ountains were gone The ,

.
p ov e rty o f m d r e am s m o r t ifi e s me
‘
There is Coleridge
at h i s w
. .
ill can conjure up icy domes and pleasure houses ,

-
f o r Kuh l aK h an and Abyssinian maids and songs o f A bara , ,
and caverns ,
Wh er e Al p h '
,
th e sacre d r i ver , m s,
to solac e t —
his nigh solitudes when I cannot muster a
fi ddle Barry Cornwall has his tritons and his nereids gam
.
—
boling before him in nocturnal visions an d proclaiming ,
sons born to N eptune when my stretch o f imaginative '
activi ty can hardly in the night season raise up the ghos t , ,
o f a fis h wi f e To set my fail ures in somewhat a morti

fy i n g light— —
' -
. 1
, ,
f i t w a s af ter reading the noble D ream o f this

’
poet t hat my fan cy ran strong upon these marine spectra

,
and the p oor plastic power such as it is wi thin me set , ,
t o work to humour my folly m a sort o f dream that ve ry .
n i g ht Me t hought I was upon the ocean billows at s ome

.
B i shop Bull n dr Archbishop Park er, nor Whi tgif t
, . Thou
comest attended with thousands and ten thousands o f littl e
Loves , and the air is
B ru sh d wi th th e h i ss ustl i ng win gs
’
of r .
Singing Cupids are thy choristers and thy precentors ; and '
instead o f the crosier the mystical arrow is borne bef ore

,
thee .
In other words this is the day on which those ch ar ming

, ,
little missives ycleped Valentines c ross and intercross each

, ,
other at every street and turning The we ary and all fo r .
s pent twopenny postman sin k s beneath a load o f delicate
embarrassments not his own It i s scarcely credible to

, .
what extent this ephemeral courtship is carried on in this .
loving town to the great enrichment o f porters and d e t r i

, ,
ment o f knockers and bell wires I n these little vi sual -
interpretations no emblem is so common as the hear t

, ,
that little three cornered exponent o f all o u r hopes and

-
f ears — the bestuck and bleeding heart ; it is t w isted and

,
~
'
tortured into more allegories and afl e c tat i o n s than an opera
h at . What authority we have in history or mythology fo r ,
placing the h eadquarters an d metropolis o f god Cupid in

this anatomical seat rather than in any other i s not very , ’
clear ; but we have got it and it w ill serve as well as any

,
other Else we might easily imagine upo n some other

.
,
system which migh t have prevailed f o r anything which o u r

pathology knows to the contrary a lover addressing his mis ,
tress i n perfect simpl icity of feeling

,
Madam my l i ver , ,
and f ortune are en tirely at your disposal or putting a

delicate question Amanda have y o u a midr ifl to besto w
, ,
B u t custom has settled these things and awarded the se at ,
o f sentiment to the af oresaid trian gle while its less for ,
t u n at e neighb ours wait at an imal and anatomical distance .
N o t many sounds in lif e and I include all urban an d all

,
rural sounds ex c eed in interest a knock at th e do or It

,
.
”
gives a very echo to the throne where hope is seated .
But its issues seldom answer to this oracle within It is .
so seldom that j u st the person we want to see comes But .
o f all t h e clamorou s visitation s the w e l c o m e s t in expecta

VALE N T I NE S D AY
’
89
tion is the sound that ushers in or seems to u sher in a , ,
Valentine As the raven hi m self was hoarse that announced

.
the fatal entrance o f D uncan so the knock o f the postman ,
o n this day is light airy confid ent and befitting o n e that

.
, , ,
bringeth good tidings It is less mechanical than o n other .
”
days ; y ou will say That is not the post I am sure
Visions o f L ove o f Cupids o f H ymens l—delightf ul eternal
.
.
, ,
, ,
commonplaces , which havin g been will al ways be

which no school boy nor school man can write away - -
having your irreversi ble throne in the fancy and a ff ections

—what are your transports whe n the happy maiden open , ,
ing with careful finger careful not to break the emblematic ,
s eal bursts upon the sight o f some well d esigned allegory

, ,
-
s o m e ty e some youth f ul f ancy not without verses

p , ,
or some such devise not over abundant in sense— young

—
-
—
,
L ove disclaims i t and not quite silly something between

,
a chorus where the sheep mi ght almos t

as they did o r as I apprehend they did , ,
are not foolish ; and I shall n o t easily

forget thine my kind f riend (i f I may have leave to call
,
o u so ) E B E B lived Opposite a young maiden

y . . .
w hom he had o f ten seen unseen f rom his parlour window in

C— e S treet Sh e was all joyousness and innocence and
.
, ,
just o f an age to enjoy receiving a Valentine and just o f a

,
,
temper to bear the disappointment o f missing o n e with

good humour E B is an artist o f no common powers ; in
. . .
the fancy parts o f designi ng perhaps in ferior to none ; his ,
name is known at the bottom o f many a well executed -
vig nette in the way o f his profession but no further ; fo r ,
E B is modest an d the world meets nobody half way

. .
, .
E B meditated how he could repay this young maiden f o r

. .
many a favour which she had don e him u n k nown ; fo r ,
when a k indly face greets us though but passing by and , ,
never kno ws us again nor we it we shoul d feel it as an , ,
o bligation : and E B did T hi s good artist set hims elf at

. . .
96 ESSAY S o r E LI A
’
w o rk t o pl ease t h e damsel It was just before Valentin e s
'
.
day thre e years since He wro ught u nseen an d u s u s

’ I
n .
,
p e ct e d a w ondrous work W e need n o t say it was o n t h e
fin est gilt paper w ith borders—full not o f common hearts

:
.
,
‘
and heartless allegory but all t h e prettiest stories of love ,
f rom Ovi d and older poets than Ovid (fo r E B is a scholar )

,
. . .
The re was Pyramus and Thisbe and b e sure D ido w as n o t

'
f orgot n o H ero ‘
a d L ea der and swans more t h an s an g
' ’
r,
n n ,
i n Cay s t er , with mottoes and f anci f ul d e v i c es s u c h aS b 6

' '
‘ ‘
*
se emed—a work in short of magi c Iris d i p t t h e wo of

,
" ‘ ‘
. .
, ,
This on Valentine s eve h e co m m en d e d t o t h e all swallow ’ ‘

‘
i ng indiscri minat e orifice ( O ignoble trust o f the co m mon

'
p o st ; but the humble medium did its duty a n d f rom his ,
watchful stand the next morning he saw the cheerful

'
"
messenger k nock and b y and— b y the precious charge deli

,
-
vered He saw unseen the happy girl unfold the Valen

.
, ,
tine dance about clap her hands as o n e af ter o n e the

, , ,
pretty emblems unfolded themselves Sh e danced about; .
not with ligh t love o r foolish expectations fo r she had , ,
no l over ; o r i f she had non e she knew that could have

, ,
created those bright images which delighted her I t was . .
more like some fairy prese n t a Go d send as o u r familiarly -
,
.
pious ancestor s termed a benefit re ceived where the bene

f actor was unknown It would do her no harm It would . .
do her good fo r ever af ter It is good to love t h e unk nown . .
I only give t his as a specime n o f E B and his mod est way

‘
. .
o f doi n g a concealed k indness .
G ood morrow to my Valentine ; s ings poor O phelia ; and

no better wish but with better auspi c es we wish t o all
, ,
fai th f ul lovers who are not to o wise to despise o l d legends

, ,
but are content to rank th emselves humble di o cesans of o l d

B i hop Val e ntine and his true churc h
s f
and a shrewd min i — ex trao r dinary at a r ep ar tee one o f the
fe w occasions o f her breaking silence —else s h e did n o t
much value wit The only secular employmen t 1 remem .
ber to have seen h e r engage d in was the splitting o f ,
F rench beans and dropping them into 3 china basin o f , .
f air water The odour o f those tender vegetables to this

.
'
day comes back upon my senses redolent o f soothing ,
recolle ctions Certainly it is the most delicate o f culinary

.
operations
Male aunts as somebody calls them I had none—to r e
.
’
'
, ,
member By the uncle s side I may be said to have been ’ '
—
.
born an orphan Brother o r sister I never h ad any t o .

,
L
know them A sister I think that should have been

.
, ,
E lizabeth died 1 11 both o u r i n f ancies

, What a comfort o r .
,
what a care may I not have missed in her But I have -
cousins sprinkl ed abo u t in Hertfordshire —besides two with

,
whom I have been all my life in habits o f the closest inti

macy and whom I may t erm c ousins p ar ex cel l en ce These
,
'
.
are James an d Bridget Elia They are older than myself .
b y twelve and ten years and neither o f them seems dis

'
, ,
posed i n matters o f advice and guidance to waive any o f

, ,
the prerogatives which primogeniture confers May they .
continue still i n the same mind ; and when they shall be

seventy fi v e and seventy three years o l d ( I cannot spare
-
,
-
them sooner) persist in t reating m e i n m y grand c l i m ac

,
terio precisely as a stripling or y o u n ge r b r o th e r ,

~
James is an inexplicable cousin N ature hath her uni .
ties which not every critic can penetrate ; o r if we f eel

, , ,
we cannot explain th em The pen o f Y orick an d of non e

since his could have drawn J E entire—those fine Shan
. ,
. .
~
,
'
dean lights and shades which make u p h i s story I mu st , l
.
limp after in my poor antithetical manner as the fates ,
have given me grace and talent J E —

then m the eye o f
4
a common observer at least—seemeth made up o f contra

. . .
di c t o r y principles The genuine child o f i mpulse the f ri gid

philosopher o f prudence —
.
,
the phlegm o f my cousin s d oe ’
trine is invariably at war with his temperament which is

, ,
high sanguine With always some fi r e new project in his .

-
brain J E s is t h e sy s te matic op ponent o f innovation an d

'
. ,
,
M Y RELA T I O N S 93
r down of everything that has not s to o d t h e test o f age
experiment V i th a hundred fine notions chasing o n e
.
V '
hourly in his fancy he is star tled at the l e ast

,
‘
romantic in others ; and determined by

‘
everything commends yo u to th e guidanc e

,
.
ith a t o uch o f the

oes o r says he is only an xious
,
t yourself by doing anything

On my once letting slip at table that ,
certain popular dish he begged me at

not to s ay s o —fo r the world would t hin k me mad
.
,
i s e s a passionate f ondness f o r works o f high ar t

he hath amassed a choice collection ) under the ,
f buying only t o sell again — that h i s enthu siasm

no encouragement to yours Ye t i f it were so .
, .
,
that piece o f tender past oral D omenichino hang

—
,
8 wall is the ball o f his sig ht much m ore d ear

—
r what picture dealer can talk like him ?
mankind in general are observed to warp their
. conclusion s to the bent o f their individual
h e o r i e s are sure to be in diametrical Opposi
n st i tu t i o n
. H e is courageous as Charles o f .
instinct ; chary o f his person upon principle ,
Quaker H e has been preaching up t o me

—
.
,
o f bowing to the gre a t the n e c e s

ner to a man s getting o n in the
,
’
at either t h at I c an dis ,
«
ould stand upright in the

It is pleasant to hear him
it as the truest w isdom
the last seven minutes that h i s
Nature never ran up in her h aste
a more restless piece o f workmanship t h an w h en she f '
moulded t his impet uous cousin —and A r t n ever turned o u t

a more elaborate orator than he can display h i mself to be ,
upon hi s favourite topic o f t h e advantages o f quiet and con

t en t e dn e s s in the state whatever it be that we are p laced
, ,
in. He is triumphant o n this theme w hen he has y ou safe ,
in o n e o f thos e short s tages that ply fo r t h e weste r n road ,

E SSAY S I O F EL IA
‘
94
in a v ery obstructing manner at the f oot o f Joh n Mur ray s
—
‘ ’
,
street where y o u get in when it is empty and are ex

'
e c t e d to wait till the vehicle hath completed her just

p
f reight —a trying three quarters o f an hour to some people
H e wonders at yo ur fi d ge t i n es s —w h e r e f could we be
.
“
,
better than we are thu s s i tting thus consul ting pre fers
fo r his part a state o f rest to locomotion —
, , ,
”
with an eye ~
all the while upon the coachman —till at length waxing

, ,
’
, ,
o u t o f all patience at your wan t of i t h e break s o u t into a

, , ,
pathetic remonstrance at the f el low f o r detaining us so

long over the time whi ch he had professed and declares ,
peremptoril y that the gentleman in the coach is deter

,
'
mined to get out i f he does not drive on that instant , ;
Very quick at inventing an argument o r detecting a ,
s ophistry he is incapable o f att end i ng you in any chain o f

,
arguing Indeed he makes wild work with logic ; and seems

.
,
to jump at most admirable conclusio s b y so e p r o c e ss

n
’
'
m l .
not at all akin to it Consonantly enough to this he hath .

,
’
been heard to deny upon certain occasions ; that there ,

‘
.
exists such a faculty at all in man as r eason and w On d er eth

—
'
how man c am e fi r s t to have a conceit o f i t e n fo r c i n g h i s .
negatio n with all t h e m igh t o f r eas oni ng he is m as t e r o f ' '

.
'
He has some speculat ive no ti o ns against l aughter, and will
maintain that laughing is not natural to h i m—when p e r -
z
adventur e t h e next m oment his lungs shall crow lik e

chanticleer H e says s ome o f the best things in t h e world
. .
,
an d d e c l are t h that wit is his aversion It was he wh o said; .
upon seeing the E ton b oy s at play i n their grounds Wha t

’
i t t th i k h t th fi i ngenu ou s l ads i n f ew
"
a p y o n t a es e ne a
'
year s
wi l l all be changed i nto f ri vol ous Member s of P ar l i ament !
Hi s youth was fiery glowin g tempestuous —acn d i n age
'
, ,
he discovereth no symptom o f cooling This is that .
which I ad m ire in him I hate people who meet Time . .
half way I am fo r no compromise with that inevitable '
spoiler While he lives J E will tak e his s w ing —

. .
. It , . . .
does me good as I walk toward s the street o f my dail y

,
avocati on on some fine May morn ing to meet him march

,
.
,
i n g in a quite Opposite direction with a jolly handsome

.
p resence and shining,

san g u ine fa ce tha t indicates som e ,
.
96 E SSAY S o r EL I A
pathy with wh at you feel or do He lives in a world 01 .
his own s a n d makes slender guesses at what passes i n you r

'
mind He never pierces the marrow o f your habits He

. .
-
will tell an o l d established play goer that Mr Such a o n e

- -
, .
- -
o f So and s o naming one o f the theatres is a very livel

-
( -
) y
—
,
comedian as a piece o f news H e advertised me but the

other day o f some pleasant gr een lanes w hich he had .
found o u t f o r m e knowin g me to be a gr eat wal ker in my o w n

.
, ,
immediat e vi cinity who have haunted the i dentical spot

any time these twenty years — He has not much respect
fo r that class O f f eeli ngs which goes by the name o f senti
mental He applies the definition o f re al evil to bodily
—
.
s u ff erings exclusively and rej ecteth all othe r s as imagi

nary He is a ff ected by the sight or the bare supposition
.
, ,
o f a creature in pain to a degree which I have never ,
witnessed o u t o f womankind A constitutional acuteness .
t o this class Of su ff erings may in part account fo r this .
The animal tribe in particular he tak eth under his especi al

protection A broken winded o r spur galled horse is sure
.
- -
to find an advocate in him An over loaded ass is h is

client fo r ever H e is the apostle to the brute kind—the
-
.
never failing f riend o f t h o s e who have none to care fo r

- x
them The contemplation o f a lobst r boiled o r eels

.
e
,
skinned al ive will wring him so that all fo r pity he

, ,
”
could die It will take the savour from his palate an d
.
,
the rest f rom his pillo w f o r days and nights With the , .
intense feeling o f Thomas Clarkson he wanted only the ,
ste adiness o f pursuit and unity o f purpose o f that true , ,

“
”
yoke f ellow with Time t o have e ff ected as much fo r the
-
,
Ani ma l as h e hath done fo r the N egro Cr eati on

-
But my .
uncontrollable cousin is but imperf ectly f ormed fo r pur

poses which demand c o operation He cannot wait H is -
. .
amelioration plans mus t be ripened in a day Fo r this

-
.
reason he has cut but an e quivocal figure in benevolent

s oc ieties and combin ations f o r the all eviation o f human
,
su ff erings H i s zeal constantly makes him to outrun and

.
,
put o u t his coadj u tors He thinks o f relieving while

,
.
,
-
they think O f de b ating He was black balled o u t o f a .

-
s o c iety fo r the R elie f o f

SHI RE 97
our o f his humanity toi led beyond the
ion and creeping processes o f his asso
‘
‘
s consider this distinction as a patent

family !
seeming inconsistencies to smile at ,
e cousin ? Marry heaven and all , ,
and the u nderstanding that should be b e

f orbid —With a n th e strangenesses o f this
E li as — I would not have him in o n e jot o r
n he is ; neither would I barter or exchange
regu lar an d every ,
p giv e y o u somse
are not already sur
t h e hand , i f y ou are
to go with us o n an e x c u r s i o n which we made a
,
'
er o r two since in search o f mor e cousins

,
Th ough th e g een p l ai n s o f p l e asant H ertfords h ire

r r .
'‘
MACKE RY END ,
I N HE RI F ORD S HI RE .
B I D G E T E LI A has been my housekeeper fo r many 3

long year I have obligations to Bridget extending
.
,
ond the period o f memory We house together o l d .

,
in a sort o f double singleness with such

pon the w hole that I fo r o n e find in m y
, , ,
self no sort o f disposition to go o u t upon the mountains with ,
the rash king s offspring to bewail my celibacy We agree

’
and habits—yet so as with a

.
,
“
,
rally i n harmony with occasional ,
be among near relations O u r .
than ex pressed ; an d
n my voice more kind
cou sin burst into tears and complained ,
We are both great read ers in di fferent .
I am hanging over (fo r the thousan dth

'
e in o l d Burton o r o n e o f his strang e

,
'
9s ESSAY S O F . E LI A
contempora ies she abstracted i n some m o d e rn t al e

r ,
’ ~
1s
'
~
'
or adventure whereof o u r common reading table is dai,

-
.
fe d with assiduously f resh supplies N arrative teases m e . .
1 have little concer n i n the progress o f events S h e must

—
'
have a story well ill o r indi ff erently told —s o there be

.
, ,
life stirring in it an d p l e n ty o f good or evil accidents ‘
—
, , .
The fl uctuatio s o ort e in

n f f u n fi c t i o n an d almost in real
life —have ceased to interest o r operate but dul ly upon me , .
O u t o f the w ay humours and opinions heads with some

di erting tw ist in the m—the oddities o f authors hip please
-
- - - -
v
,
m e most My cousin has a native disrelish o f anything

.
that sounds o dd o r bizarre N othing goes down with her .
that is quaint irregular o r o u t o f the road o f common, ,

”
sympathy Sh e holds N ature mor e clever I can pardon
. .
her blindness to the beautiful obliquities o f the R eligio

Medici ; but she must apologize to me fo r certain di s r e
s e c t f u l insinuations which she has been pleased t o throw
p ,
o u t latte rly touching t h e intellectu als o f a dear favourite

—
,
o f mine o the las ce tury but o e the thrice noble

f t ,
n n
,
chaste and virtuous but again somewhat fantastical and

, ,
original brained generous Margaret Newcastle , .
It has been the lot o f my cousin o f tener perhaps than I ,
could have w i s h e d t o have h ad f o r her associates and mine “
free thi nkers —

, ,
-
leaders and disciples o f , ,
and syste m s ; but Sh e neither wrangles with nor accepts , ,
their opinions That which was good and venerable t o .
h e r w h e n a c h i l d r e t ai n s its authority over her mind still

,
'
,
‘
Sh e never juggles o r plays tricks with her understanding

'
We are both o f us inclined t O b e a little t o o positive ; and '
I have observed the result o f our disputes to be almost

uniformly this—that i n matters o f fact dates and circum , ,
stances i t turns o ut that I was in the right and my

, ,
in the wrong But where we have di ffered upon .
points upo n something proper to be done o r let

,
'
,
whatever heat of opposition or ste

s e t out with I am sure always , ,
brought over to her way o f th in ki n g u
I m u s t touch upon t h e f oibles o f

'
g entle hand f o r Bridget doe s not ,

who as I have said is older than myself by some ten years
, , .
I wish that I co uld throw into a heap th e remainder o f

o u r joint existences that we m ight share them in equal
,
division But th at i s impossible The house was at that

. .
time in the occupation o f a substantial y e o m an w h o had , ,
m a u i e d m y r an d m o t h e r s sister Hi s name was G l adm an

’
o . .
g
My grandmother w as a B 1 uton married to a F ield The ,

.
G l ad m an s and the Brutons are s till fl ourishing in that part

o f the county but the F ields are almost extinct
,
More than .
forty years had elapsed since the visit I speak o f and fo r ,
t h e greater p o rtion o f that period we had lost sight o f the ,
other two branches also Wh o o r what sort o f persons

inherited Mack e ry En d ki n d r e d o r strange folk—w e were —
.
af raid almost to conjecture but determined some day t o ,
ex
p l o1 e .
By somewhat a circuitous route t aking the noble park at ,
Luton i n o u r way f rom St Albans we ar 1 i v e d at the spot .

,
o f our anxious curiosity abou t noon The sight o f the ol d .
farm house though every trace o f it was e ff aced f rom my

-
, ,
recollections a ffected me with a pleasure which I had n o t

,
experienced fo r many a year F or though I had forgotten .
it we had never f orgotten being there together an d we

, ,
had been talk ing about Mack e r y En d all o u r lives till ,
memory o n my part became mocked with a phantom o f

itself and I thought I knew the aspect o f a place which
, ,
when present 0 how unlik e it was to that which I h ad

,
c onjured up so many times i ns t ead o f it !
S till the air breathed balmily about it ; t he season w as in

”
the hea1 t o f June and I could say with the poet ,
B u t th ou t t d i d st p p ea so f ir , ha a r a
To fo d i m gin ti n n a a o ,
D st i v l i n th e l i gh t o f d ay
o r a
H er d l i t ti n ! e ca e cr e a o
Bridget s was more a waking bliss than mine fo r she

’
her o l d acquaintance again —some

,
e asily remembered
altered features o f course a little grudged at At fir st

, .
,
indeed she was ready to d i sbelieve fo r joy but the scene

soon r e —c o n fi r m e d itsel f in her a ff ections —
,
and she traversed

e very outpost o f the o l d m ansion t o the wood house t h e ,
-
,
M A C KERY E N D I N HERT FO RD SHI RE ,
. 101
o r c l ard , t h e place where th e p i ge o n

house had stood ( house
— a breathless impatience
-
an d bir d s were alike fl o wn ) with

o f recognition which was more pardonable perhaps than
,
decorous at the age o f fi f ty o dd But Bridget i n some .
things 1s behi nd her years

The only thing left was to get into the house —and that
.
was a difficulty which t o me singly would have been 1n s u r

mountable ; fo r I am terr ibly shy in making myself known
to stran gers and o u t o f date kinsfol k L ove stronger than-
’
-
.
,
scruple winged my cousin in without me ; but s h e soon

,
returned with a creature that might have sat to a sculptor ,
fo r the image o f We l come It was the youngest o f the

. .
Gl ad m an s ; who by marriage with a Bruton had become

, , ,
mistress o f the o l d mansion A comely brood are the Bru .
tons Si x o f them females were note d as the handsomest

.
, ,
young women in the county B u t this adopted Br uton in

my mind w as better than they all—more comely Sh e was
.
,
.
,
born too late to have remembered me Sh e just recollected .
i n early li fe to have had h e r cousin Bridget once pointed

out to her climbin g a stile But the name o f kindred and
, .
o f cousinship was enough Those slender ties t hat prove .

,
slight as gossamer in the r ending atmosphere o f a metro

polis bind faster as we found it in hearty homely lovin g
, , , , ,
H ertfordshire I n fi v e minutes we were as thoroughly

.
acquainted as i f we had been born and bred up together ;

were familiar even to the calling each other by o ur
,
—
Chri stian names S o Christians should call o n e another
. .
T o have seen Bridget and her i t was like the meeting o f

'
the two scriptural cousin s ! There was a grace and dignity ,
an amplitude o f form and stature answerin g to her mind , ,
in this farmer s wif e which would have shi ned in a p alace

’
o r s o we thought it We were made welcome by hus

band and wife equally—w e and ou r f r iend that was with
-
.
— —
,
us . I had almost f orgotten him but B F will not so . .
soon forget that meeting i f peradventure he shall read this ,
o n the f ar distant shores where the k an garoo haunts The .
'
fatted cal f was made ready o r rather was already so as i f , ,
in anticipatio n o f o u r coming ; and after an appropriate ,
glass of native wine never let me forg et with what hones t ,

' '
1 02 E SSAY S O F ELI A
T' “
i
ide t hi s h os itable cousi n m ade us procee d to Wh eat

pr
p
hampste ad to introduce us (as some n ew f ound r ar i ty )ft o h e r
,
-
mother and si st e r Gl ad m an s who did ind eed k n o w s o m e

.
,
i
thing mo re o f us at a time when she almost knew nothin g

—
,
With what corresponding kindness we were rece ived b y

them a lso —h o w Bridget S m emory exalted by the occasion ’
, ,
w artne d into a th ousan d half obliterated recollections o f

' ’
-
things an d perso ns ; t o m y utter astonishment and her

'
,
”
ow n and to the astound ment o f B F who sat by almos t

the only thin g that was n ot a cousin there —
-
. .
,
old e ff aced
images o f more than half f orgotten names and circum -
stances still crowdi ng back upon her as words written 115 ,
lemon c ome out upon exposure to a friendly warm th ,
when I f orget all this then may my count ry cousins f orget

,
me ; and Bridget no more re m ember that in t h e days o f ' '
weakling infancy I Was her tender charge —as I have been

,
h e r care in f oolish manhoo d since 1n th ose pretty pastoral

’
walks lon g ago about Mack e r y En d in Hertfordshir e

, , , .
MY F I R ST P L AY .
the north end o f Cross court there yet stands a por tal
A
T
-
o f some architectural pretensions though reduced to ,
h umble use serving at present f o r an entrance to a printi ng ;

,
o ffi ce This o l d door way i f y o u are youn g reader y o u may

—
-
.
, , ,
n o t k now was the identical pit entrance to o l d D ru ry L ;
G a r r i c k s D rury—all o f it that is le ft I never pass it

’
.
without Shak ing some f orty years from o ff my shoulders ,
recurring to the evening when I passed t hrough it t o see

my fi r st p l ay Th e af ternoon had been w e t an d the con
.
,
d i tion o f o u r going ( the elder folk s and myself) was th at ,
th e rain should cease With what a beating heart did I

.
watch f rom the window the puddles f rom the s t i l l n e SS o f ,

o
which I was ta ught to prognosticate the desired cessation !

I seem to remember the last spurt an d the gl e e w i th which ,
I ran to announce it .
'
1 0 4. E SSAY S 0E EL I A
S light keys and insignificant to outward s ight bu t openi ng
, ,
to me more than Arabian paradises and m oreover tha t , ,
by his testam entary b e n e fi c en c e I c am e into possessio n o f ‘
the only land ed property w hich I could ever call my

o w n —situate near the road way v illage o f pleasant Pu c k e -
r idge i n H e i t f o r d Sh i r e
, When I j o u i n e y e d down t o tak e
.
possession and planted foot o n my own ground the statel

, ,
y
habits o f the donor d escended upon me and I str ode ( S hall ,
I con fess the vanity ?) with larger paces over my allotment

o f three quarters o f an acre with its commodio u s mansio n ,
in the midst with the feeling o f an English freeholder

,
that all betwixt sk y and centre was my o w n The estate .
n as passed into more prudent hands and nothing but an '
agrarian can restore it .
In those days were pit orders Beshrew the uncomfort

able manager who abolished them —
.
with o n e o f these we ‘
we nt I remember the waiting at the door—not that

—
.
which is le ft b u t between th at and an inner door in

“
shelter—O when sh all I be such an expectant again

with the c ry of nonpareils an i ndispensable play house ,
-
accompaniment i n those days As near as I can recollect .

,
the fashionable pronunciation o f the theatrical fruiteresses

t hen was Chase some oran ges chase some n u m p ar e l s
, , ,
I
chase a bill o f the chase p ro chuse But when we
-
got in and I beheld t h e green curtain that veiled a heaven

to my imagination which was soon to be disclosed—the
,
breathless anticipations I endured ! I had seen something

lik e it in the plate prefixed to Troilus and Cressida in
R owe s Sh ak s p e ar e —t h e t ent scene with D iome d e—and a
,
’ '
s i ght o f that plate can always bring back in a measure the

feeling o f t hat eveni n g — The boxes at that time f ul l o f ,
we l l dressed women o f quality projected over the pit ; an d

-
,
'
t h e p il as t ei s reachi ng down were adorned with a glistening

substance ( I k now n o t what ) under glass ( as it seemed)
resembling — mely fancy—but I judged it to be sugar
,
a ho
—
candy y e t to my i ai s e d imaginati on divested o f its
homelier qual ities it appeared a glorified candy The
,
,
—
orchestra lights at length rose those fair Auroras Once ,
th e bell s ounded It was to ring o u t yet once agai n w and

.
-
,
M Y F I R ST P LA Y 105
incapable o f the anticipatio n I reposed my shut eyes i n a ,
sort o f resignation upon the maternal lap It rang the

second time The curtain drew u p —
.
. I was not past six

years old and the play was Artaxerxes
I had dabbl ed a littl e in the U niversal History—th e
,
ancient part o f i t — an d here was the court o f Persi a It —

was being a d mitted to a S ight o f the past I t ook no prope r .
interest i n the action going o n fo r I understood not its ’
impor t—but I heard the word D arius and I w as in the

,
mid t o f D aniel Al l feeling was absorbed i n vision

s
. .
G orgeous vests gardens palaces princesses passed be f ore

, , , ,
me I k new not players I was in Persepolis fo r the time

. .
,
and the bu r ning idol o f their devotion almost converted me

into a worshipper I was awe struck and believed those
.
-
s i gn i fi c at i o n s to be something more th an e l emental fires .
It was all encha n tment an d a dream N o such pleasure

has S ince visited me but in dreams —
.
H arlequin s invasion .
’
followed ; where I remember the transf ormation o f the

, ,
magistr ates into reverend beldams seemed to me a piece o f

grave historic justice and the tailor carrying his o w n head
,
to be as sober a verity as the legend of St D enys . .
The next play to which I was tak en was the Lady o f the
Manor o f which with the exception o f some scenery very
, , ,
fai nt t races are lef t in my memory It was followed by a

—
.
pantomime called Lun s Ghost a satiric touch I app r e ’
hend upon R ich not long since dead—but t o my app r e

, ,
, ,
h en s i o n ( too sincere fo r satire) Lu n was as remote a piece

—
,
!o f antiquity as L d the father o f a line o f H arlequins

u
transmitting his dagger o f lath ( the wooden sceptre ) through

countless ages I saw the primeval Motley come f rom his
.
silent tomb in a ghastly vest o f white patchwork lik e the ,
apparition o f a dead rainbow So H arlequins (t hought I ) .
look when they are dead .
play followed in quick succession It was the .
World I t hink I must have sat at it as grave

.
fo r I remember the hysteric affectations o f

Wi s h fo r t a ff ected me lik e some solemn tragic
s tory — The clownery and pan t aloonery o f these panto
.
mimes have clean passed o u t o f my head I believe I no .

,
more laughed at them than at the same age I should have ,
been disposed to lau gh at the grotesque G othic heads

( seeming to me then replete with devout meaning ) that
gape and grin in stone around the inside o f the o l d R ound
, ,
Church ( my church) of the Templars .
I saw these plays in the season 1 7 8 1 2 when I was from -
s i x to seven years old Af ter the intervention o f S i x o r

.
seven other years (for at school all play going w as inbi -
bited ) I again entered the doors o f a theatre That o l d .
Artaxerxes evening had never done ringing in my fancy I .
expected the same f eelings to come again with the same

occasi o n But we di ff er from ourselves less at sixty and
.
s ixteen than the latter d oes f rom S i x In that interval

,
.
what had I not lost ! At the fir st period I knew nothing ,
understood nothing discriminated nothing I f elt all lov ed

, .
,
al l wondered all
,
Was nou ri sh ed I c o l d no t tel l h o w , u
I had lef t the temple a devotee and was returned a ,
rationalist The same things were there materially ; but

the emblem the re ference was gone —The green curtai n
.
, ,
was no longer a veil drawn between two worlds the n u , ,
f olding o f which was to bring back past ages to present a

royal ghost —
,
”
but a certain quantity o f green baize which
, ,
was to separate the audience fo r a given time from certain

o f their f ellow m e n who wer e to come f orward and prete nd
those parts The lights —the orchestra lights —came up a

-
clumsy machinery The first ring and the second ring

was now but a trick o f the prompter s bell —which had
.
, ,
’
bee n like the note o f the cuckoo a phantom o f a voice no

, , ,
hand seen or guessed at which ministered to i ts war ning .
The actors were men and women painte d I thought the .
fau l t was i n them but it was in myself and the alteration

which th ose many centuries —o f six short twelvemonths
,
had wrought in me — Perhaps it was fortu nate fo r me that

.
the play o f the evening was but an indi fferent comedy as it ,
g ave me time to crop s ome unreasonable expectatio n s whi ch ,

when I shall no longer see a woman standin g up in the pit
o f a L ondon theatre till she is sick and faint with the e x e r
,
tion with men about her seated at their c as e and j eering

, , ,
a t her distress ; till o n e that seems to have more manners ,
or conscience than the rest significantly declares she ,
should be welcome to h i s seat i f she were a little you n ger ,

”
and handsomer Place this dapper warehouseman or that
.
,
rider in a circle o f their o w n female acquaintance and

, ,
o u shall conf ess you have n o t seen a politer bred man in

y
-
L othbury .
L astly I S hal l begin t o believe that there is some such

,
principle in fl uencing our conduct when more than o n e hal f ,

-
o f the d rudgery and coarse servitude o f the world S hall
cease to be performed by wom en .
U ntil that day comes I S hall never believe this boasted ,
point to be anything more than a conventional fiction ; a

pageant got up between the sexe s in a certain rank and at , ,
a certain time o f life in which both find their account ,
equally .
I S hall be even disposed to rank it among the salutary

fictions o f life when i n polite circles I shall see the same
,
attentions paid to age as to youth to homely features as to

handsome to coarse complexions as t o clear—to the woman
,
~
, ,
as S h e is a woman not as she is a beauty a fortune o r a

, , ,
title .
I shall believe it to be something more than a name ,
when a well dressed gentleman in a well dressed co m pany

- -
can advert to the t opic o f f emal e o ld age without exciting ,
and inten ding to excite a sneer — when the phrases anti ,

”
u at e d virginity and such a o n e has over s tood her mar
q ,
ket pronounced in good company S hall raise immediate

,
”
,
o ff ence in man o r woman that shall hear the m spoken

, , .
Joseph Pai c e o f Bread street hill merchant and one o f - -
—
, , ,
the D irectors o the S ou h Se company the same to whom

f t a
E dwards the Sh ak s p e ar e commentator has addressed a fine

sonnet—w as the only pattern o f consistent gallantry I have
, ,
m e t with H e took me u n der his shelter at an early age

.
,
and bestowed some pains upon me I o w e to his precepts .
and example W hatever there is o f the man o f busin e ss (and

M O D ERN G ALLA N T R Y 109
that i s not much ) in my composition It was not his fault .
th at I did not profit more Though bred a Presbyterian .

,
and brought up a merchant he was the finest gentleman o f ,
his t ime H e had not one system o f attention to females in

.
.
the drawing room and another in the shop o r at the stall

-
, ,
.
I do n o t mean that he made no distinction But he never : .
lost sight o f sex o r overlooked it in the casualties o f a dis

,
advantageous S ituation I have seen him stand bareheaded

smile i f you please —to a p o o r servant girl while she has
.
'
been inquiring o f him the way to some street—i h such a

-
-
posture o f unforced civility as neither to embarrass her in ,
the acceptance nor himsel f i n th e o ffer o f it H e was no

, , .
dangler in the common acceptation o f t h e word after

, ,
women ; but he reverenced and upheld i n every form in ,
which it came before him womanhood I have seen him

n ay s m ile not —
.
,
,
tenderly escorting a market woman w hom -
he had encountered in a shower exalting his umbrella over ,
her poor basket o f f ruit that it might receive no damage

, ,
with as much care fulness as i f she had been a countess .
To the reverend f orm o f F emale E l d he would yield t h e

wall ( though it were to an ancient beggar woman) wit h -
more ceremony than we can a ff ord to S ho w o u r grandams .
H e was the Preux Chevalier o f Age ; the Si r Cal i d o r e o r ,
S i r T ristan to those who have no Cal i d o r e s o r Tristans to

,
de fend them The roses that had lon g faded thence still
.
, ,
bloomed fo r him in those withered and yellow cheeks .
H e was never married but in his youth he paid his

addresses t o the beautif ul Susan Winstanley—o l d Wi n
,
stanley s daughter o f Clapton —who dying i n the early

,
days o f their co u rtship confirmed in him the resolution o f

,
perpetual bachelorship It was during their short court

.
ship h e t old me that h e had been o n e day treating his

mistress with a profusion o f civil speeches —the common
, ,
gallantries—to w hich k ind o f thing S h e had hitherto mani

f e st e d no repugnance —but in this instanc e with no e ff ect .
He could not obtain f rom her a decent ack nowledgment in

1
return Sh e rather seemed to r esent his compliments He

. .
co u l d no t set it down to caprice f o r the lady had alway s ,
shown hersel f above that li ttleness Wh en he v e ntured 011 .

n o E SSAY S o r E LI A
th e f ol lowing day finding her a little better humoured to
, ,
expostulate with her o n her coldness of yesterd ay she c on ’ i

,
-
f essed w ith her usual f rankness that S h e ha d no sort o f

, ,
dislik e t o his attentions that she could even endure some

high fl o w n compliments ; that a y Ou n g woman placed i n
-
her situation had a right t o expect all sort o f civil things

s aid t o her ; that she hoped she could digest a dose o f
‘
adulation short o f insincerity with as little injury to her

‘
h umility as most young women but that —

, ,
a li ttle be f ore
he had commenced his compliments—she had overheard '
him by accident in ratk er rough language rating a young

, ,
'
woman who had not brought h ome his cravats quite to the
,
appointed time and she thought t o herself As I am Miss

S usan Winstanley and a young lady —a reputed beauty
, ,
and known to be a f ortune—I can have my choice o f the

, ,
finest speeches from the mouth o f this very fine gentleman

who is courting me but i f I had bee n poor Mary Such a
—
- -
o n e ( nami ng th e mi l li ner
) and had f ailed o f bringing home
the cravats to the appointed hour—though perhaps I had

,
sa t up h al f the night t o f orward them — what sort o f com ‘
m n t s should I have received then — A n d my woman s

’
p l i e
pride came to my assistance ; and I thought that i f it ,
were only to do me honour a f emale li k e mysel f might , , ,
have received handsomer usage ; and I was determined not

to accept any fine speeches to the compromise o f that sex , ,
th e belonging to w hich w as af ter all my s trongest claim

‘
‘
”
an d title to them .
I think the lady discovered b oth generosity and a just ,
way of think ing in this rebuk e which she gave her lover ;
,
and I have sometimes i m agi n e d t h at the u ncommon strain ,

’
o f courtesy which through l if e r egulated the actions an d

'
b ehaviour o f my f riend towards all o f womankind i n di s c r i

m i n at e l y owed its happy origin to this seasonable lesson
,
fr om the lips o f his lamented mistress .
I wish the whole f emal e world would entertain the same

notion o f these things th at Miss Winstanley showed Then .
we S hould see something o f the spirit o f consistent gal

;
lantry ; and n o longer witness the anomaly o f the s ame

man — a pat te r n o f true politeness to a wi f e — o f cold c o n
unexpected avenues into its magnifi cent ample
Stre et , by ,
squares its classic green recesses ! What a cheerful liberal

, ,
look hath that portion o f it which f rom three s i d e s o v e r , , ,

o
looks the greater garden ; that goodly pile

O f b ui l d i ng Stron g , al b ei t of P ap e r h i gh t ,
con fronting with massy contrast the lighter older more , , ,
fantastically S hrouded o n e named o f H arcourt with t h e

-
, ,
cheerful Or o w n Ofii c e r o w (place o f m y k i n dl y en g en dr u r e )

- -
right Oppo site the stately stream which washes the garden ,
foot with her yet scarcely trade polluted waters and seems -
but just weaned f rom her Twickenham Nai ades ! a m an ’ '
. would give something to have been born in such places .
What a collegiate aspect h as that fine E lizabethan hall ,
where the f ountain plays which I have made to rise and ,
fall how many times ! to the astoundment o f the young

,
urchins my contemporaries who not being able to guess

, , ,
at its recondite machi n ery were almost tempted to hail the ,
wondrous work as magic ! What an antique air h ad the

'
now almost e fi ace d sun dials with their moral inscriptions
-
, ,
seeming coevals with that Time which they measured and ,
to take their revelations o f i t s fl ight immediately fro m

heaven holdin g correspondence with the fountain o f light
,
'
H o w would the dark line steal imperceptibly o n watched ,
by the eye o f childhood eager to detect its movement , ,
never catched nice as an evanesce nt cl oud o r the firs t

, ,
arrests o f S leep
Ah ! y t d oth b eauty l ik e a d ial h n d
e a
S t al f o m hi s fig e an d o p ac e p erc ei ved 1
e r ur , n
What a dead thing is a clock with i ts ponderous em ,
bo w e l m e n t s o f lead and bras s its pert o r sole m n dulness o f ,
communication compare d with the si m ple altar li k e strue

,
-
ture an d silent heart language o f the old dial -

It stood as
the garden go d o f Christian gardens Wh y is it almost .
everywhere vanished ? I f its business use be superseded -
by more elaborate inventions its moral uses i ts beauty , , ,
might have pl eaded fo r its continuance It spok e o f mode .
rate labo urs of pleasures n o t protracted after sunset of

, ,
B EN C HER S O F T HE INNER T E M P LE 1 13
temperance , and good hours It was the primitive clock .

,
the horologe o f the first world Adam could scarce have .
missed it in Paradise It was the measure appropriate fo r

.
sweet plants and fl owers to spring by fo r the birds to ,
apportion their si lver warblings by fo r fl ock s to pastur e ,
an d be led to f old by The shepherd carved it out “

.
quaintly in the sun ; and turning philosopher by the ,

.
very occupation provided it with mottoes more to u ching

,
than tombstones It was a pretty device o f the gardener

.
,
recorded by Marvell who in the days o f artificial gardening

, , ,
made a dial out o f herbs and fl owers I must quote h i s . .
verses a little higher up f or they are full as all his seriou s , ,
poetry was o f a witty delicacy They will not come in

,
.
awkw ardly I hope in a talk o f f ountain s and su n dial s

, ,
-
.
He is speak in g o f sweet garden scenes
W h at wo n d r o u s l i fe i s th i s I l e ad !
Ri p e ap p l e s dr o p ab o u t m y h e ad .
Th e l u s c i ou s c l us ter s o f th e vi n e
Up o n t
m y m ou h d o c u sh h ei r w i n e r t .
Th e t
n e c ar i n e , an d c u r i o u s p eac h ,
In o t m y h an d s t h em sel ve s d o r e ac h .
t
S u m b l i ng on m e l on s , as 1 p ass ,
I n sn ar e d wi th o w e rs , fl I fal l on gr ass .
M ean wh i l e th e m i n d f ro m p l eas u r e l e s s
Wi h draws i n o i ts h ap p i n e ss
t t .
T h e m i n d th t oce n wh e e e h k i nd
, a a ,
r ac
Doe st i gh t i ts o wn r ese m b l n
s ra fi nd a ce
Y e t i t c e te s tr an s c en di g th e
r a , n se ,
F ar o th e wo l d s an d oth
r seas ;
r er
A nn ih il ti n g l l th t s m ade
’
a a a
T a g e n th gh t i n a g een sh ade
o r e ou r .
He t th e f u nt i n s li di ng f t
’
re a o a s oo ,
m e f u i t tre s m o sy ro t
’
O at
r so r -
e s o ,
C ti ng th e bo dy s v st asi de
’
as e ,
My o l i nto t h e bo gh s do es gli d e
s u u
Th er e l ik e a bi d i t si ts nd s i ng
, r , a s,
Th n w h ets an d c l p s i ts il e wi n gs
e a S v r ,
A n d ti l l p ep are d fo l o n g
, r fl igh t r er ,
W ve i n i ts p l mes th e v i u l i gh t
a s u ar o s
H o w w el l t h e sk ilful gard e ner d rew

fl
O f ower s an d h erb s , hi s d i al n e w t
Wh ere from abo e , t h e m i l der su n
, v
t
D oc s h ro ugh a fragra n t z o diac ru n
E SSA Y S O F EL I A
And , as i t work s , th e i nd u s ri o u s bee t
t t
Co m p u e s i ts i m e as we l l as w e .
Ho w c ou l d su ch s we e t an d w h o l e s o m e h o urs
fl
B e r e ck o n e d b u t w i t h h e rb s an d o we rs ? ‘
,
Th e artificial f ountains o f the metropol i s are in like ,
manner f ast vanishing Most o f them are dried u p o r

,
.
bricked over Y e t where o n e is left as in that little

.
, ,
green nook behind the South Sea H ouse what a f reshness -
i t gives to the dreary pile ! F our little winged marble

boys used to play their virgin fan cies spouting o u t ever ,
fresh streams f rom their innocent wanton lips in the square -
o f Li n coln s Inn when I was no bigger than they were

’
figured They are gone and the spring choked up The

.
, .
fashion they tell me is gone by and these things are

, , ,
esteemed childish Wh y n o t then gratify children by

.
, , ,
letting them stand ? L awyers I suppose were children , ,
once They are awakening images to them at least Wh y

. .
must everything smack o f man and mannish ? Is the world

’
all grown up ? Is childhood dead ? Or is there n o t in the

bosoms o f the wisest and the best some o f the ch ild s heart ’
left t o respond to its earliest enchantments

,
The fig u res
were grotesque Ar e the s ti tf wigged living figures that
.
-
still fl i tt e r and chatter about that area less G othic in ,
appearance ? o r is the splutte r o f their hot rhetoric o n e half -
s o re f reshing an d innocent as the little cool play ful streams
those exploded cherubs uttered ?

They have lately gothicised the entrance to the Inner
Temple hall and the library f ron t ; to assimilate them I
-
, ,
suppose to the body o f the hall which they d o n ot at al l

, ,
resemble What is become o f the win ged horse that stood

.
over the former a stately arms ! and who has removed

those frescoes o f the Virtues which Italianised the end o f
the Paper buildings —
,
-
m y first hint o f al legory ! They
must account to me fo r these things which I miss s o ,
greatly .
Th e terrace i s indeed le f t which we used t o call the

, , ,
parade ; but the traces are passed away o f the f ootsteps

wh ich m ade i ts paveme n t a wful ! It is become commo n
F m py f v sesroti tl d Th G d n
a co o er en e e ar e .
fe w instru ctions to his m an L ovel w h o was a quick little
, ,
fellow and would despatch it o u t o f hand by the light o f

,
natural understanding o f which he had an uncommon ,
share It was incredible w hat repu t e fo r talents S enjoyed

. .
by the mere trick o f gravity H e was a shy m an ; a ch i l d ‘
might pose him in a minute —indolent and procrastinatin g

.
to t h e last degree Y e t men would give him credit fo r vast .
application in spite o f himself H e was not to be trusted

, .
with hims elf with impunity He never dressed fo r a dinner

party but he fo r ge t his sword —they wore swords t hen —o r
.
some other necessary part o f his equipage L ovel had his .
eye upon him o n all these occasions and ordinarily gave ,
him his cue I f there was anything which he could speak

unseasonably he was sure to do i t —He was to dine at a
.
, .
relative s o f the unf ortunate Miss Bl andy o n the day o f her

’
execution — and L who had a wary foresight o f his pro .

,
~
bable hallucinations be fore he set o u t schooled hi m with , ,
great anxiety n ot in any possible manner to allude to h e r

,
story that day S promised faithf ully to observe the . .
injunction H e had n o t been seated in t h e parlour where

.
,
the company was expecting the dinner summons four ,
minutes when a pause in the conversation ensuing he go t

up look ed out o f window and pulling down his r u tfle s —an
.
, ,
, ,
ordinary motion with him observed it was a gloomy -
,
“
”
day and added
,
Miss Blandy must be hanged by this
time I suppose
,
Instances of this sort are perpetual
. .
Y e t S was thought by some o f the greatest men o f his time

.
a fit person to be consulted not alone in matters pertaining ,
to the law but in the ordinary niceties and embarrassments

,
o f conduct— f rom f orce o f manner entirely H e never .
laughed He had the same good f ortune among the f emale

world —
.
was a known toast with the ladies and o n e or two

are said to have died fo r love o f him —I suppose because he
, ,
never t r ifl e d o r talk ed gallantly with them or paid them , ,
i n deed hardly common attention s H e had a fine face and

,
.
person but wan ted metho ght the spirit that should have
, ,
u ,
sh own them o ff wi t h advantage to t h e women Hi s ey e

lacked lustre —N o t so thought Susan P
.
who at the , ,
1d a n c e d age o f sixty was seen in the cold evening time

‘
v , , ,
B E N C HE R S O F T HE I N NER T E M P LE 1 1
7
u n accompanied wetting the pavement o f B
,
d Ro w with -
tears that fell in drops which might be heard because h e r ,
friend had d i ed that day h e whom S h e had pursued w ith

a hopeless passion fo r the last f orty years —a passion which
-
years could not extinguish or abate ; nor the long resolved -
yet gently en forced puttings o ff o f unrelenting bachelorhood

-
,
dissuade from its cherished pu rpose Mild Susan P .
thou hast now thy f riend in heaven

Thomas Coventry was a cadet of the noble f amily o f that
name H e passed his youth i n contracted c i rcumstances
.
,
which gave him early those parsimonious habits which i n

after li f e never f orsook him ; so that with one windfall o r
another about the time I knew him he was master o f fo u r
, ,
o r fi v e hundred thousand pounds nor did he look o r walk

worth a moidore less He lived in a gloomy house opposite
.
the pump in Serjeant s inn F leet street J the counsel is

’
-
,
-
.
,
doing self imposed penance in it fo r What reason I divine

-
'
,
not at this day C had e u agreeable seat at N orth Cray

, . .
,
where he seldom spent above a day o r t w o at a time in the

sum m er ; but pre ferred during the hot months standing at
, ,
his windo w in this damp close well li k e mansion to watch, ,

-
, ,
”
as he s aid the maids drawing water all day long
,
I .
suspec t he had his within door reasons f o r the preference -
Hi e cnr r as et ar ma f u er e He mi gh t think his treasures.
more safe Hi s house had the aspect o f a strong box C

was a close hu nks —a l i o ar d c r rather than a miser—o r i f a
. . .
miser none o f the mad E l wes breed who have brought

, ,
discredit upon a character which cannot exist without

certain admirable points o f steadiness and unity o f purpose .
O n e may hate a true miser but cannot I suspect so easily , , ,
despise him By t ak i ng care o f t h e pence he i s o ft en

.
enabled to part with the pounds upon a scale that leaves ,
us careless generous fellows halting at an i m measurabl e

distance behind C gave away. . Ol at once i n his li f e .
time to a blind charity H i s house k eeping was severely

.
-
looked after but he k ept the table o f a gentleman He

, .
w ould k now who came in and w h o went o u t o f his house ,
b u t h i s k itch e n chimney was never su ffered to f reeze

Salt w as h is opposi te in this as in all—
.
never knew what ,

h e w as worth in the world ; and having but a competency
fo r his rank which his indolent habits were little caleu
,
lated to improve might have su ff ered severely i f he h ad

,
n ot h ad honest people about him L ovel took care o f every .
thing H e was at once his clerk his good servant his

.
, ,
”
dresser his f riend his fl apper his guide ste p watch
, ,
“
, ,
-
auditor treasurer H e did nothin g without consulting

,
.
L ovel or f ailed in anything without expecting and f earing

,
hi s admonishin g H e put himsel f al most too much in his

.
hands had they not been the purest in the world H e

, .
resigned his title almost to respect as a master if L cou l d , .
ever have forgotten fo r a moment that he was a servant .
I k ne w this L ove] H e w as a man o f incorrigible and .
losing honesty A good fellow withal and would strike

.
, .
I n the cause o f the oppressed he never considered i n

equalities o r calculate d the number o f his opponents He
onc e wres t ed a sword out o f the hand o f a man o f quality
.
,
that had drawn upon him and pommelled him severely ,
with the hilt o f it The swordsm an had o ffered insult to

a f emale—an occas i on upon which no odds against him
.
could hav e prevented the interference o f Le v e l He .
would stand next day bareheaded to the same person

f —
modestly to excuse his inter erence fo r L never forgot .
rank where something better was not concerned L was . .
the liveliest little f el l ow breathing had a face as gay as ,
G ar r i ck s w h o m h e was said greatly to resemble ( I have a

’
portrait o f him w hich confirms it) possessed a fine turn

fo r humorous poetry next to S wi f t and Prior —moul ded — ,
heads in clay and plaster o f Paris to admiration by t h e ,
dint o f natural genius merely turned cribbage boards ,
and su ch smal l cabinet toys to perfection ; took a hand at ,
quadrille o r bowls with equal facility made punch better

than any man o f his degree in England ; had the merriest
quips and conceits ; and was alto gether as brimful o f
rogueries and inventi ons as you cou ld desire He w as a .
brother o f the angle moreover and just s uch a free , , ,
hearty honest companion as Mr Izaak Walton would have

,
.
c hosen to go a fi sh i n g with I saw him in his o l d age and

-
th e decay o f his f aculties pals y smitten in the las t s ad ,

-
,
1 20 -
ESS A Y S O F EL I A “
him was old Barton —a jolly negation who took upon him ,
t h e o rdering o f the bills o f f are fo r the parl iament chamber

where the benchers dine —ans w ering to the combination
,
rooms at College —much to the easement o f his less epi

c u r e an b r e th 1 e n I k no w nothing mo r e o f him Then —
R ead an d Tw op e n y —R ead good humoured and personable
.
— ,
Tw o p e n y good humoured but thin and felicitous in

,
,
, ,
.
jests upon his o w n figure I f T was thin Wharry was . .

,
attenu ated and fl eeting Many must remember h i m (fo r .
he was rather o f later date ) and his singular gait which ,
was performed by three steps and a jump regularly suc

ce e d i n g The steps were little e ff orts lik e that o f a child
.
,
b e gin n ing to walk ; the jump compara t ively vigorous as a ,
foot to an inch Where he learned this figure o r what

.
,
occasioned it I could never discover It was neither

, .
gracef ul in itsel f nor seemed to answer the purpose any ,
better than comm on walk ing The extreme tenuity o f his .
f rame I suspect set him upon it

,
It was a trial o f p o i s i n g
,
. .
TW O p e n y would of ten rally him upon his leanness and ,
hail him as B r o t h en Lu s t y ; but W had no relish o f a j ok e . .
Hi s fe atures were spitef ul I have heard that he would .
pinch his cat s ears extremely when an ything had o ff ended

’
him J ackso n—the omniscient Jack son he was called

.
,
w as o f this e1 i od H e had the reputa ti o n o f possessing

p .
more multifarious knowledge than any man o f his time .
H e was the F riar Bacon o f the less literate portion o f the

Temple I remember a pleasant passage o f t h e cook apply
.
ing to him with much formality o f apology fo r instructions

, ,
h o w to write down edge bone o f beef in the bill o f commons .
H e was supposed to k no w i f any man in t h e world did

He decided the orth ography to b e —as I have given i t
.
,
f orti fying his authority with such anatomical reasons as

dismissed the manciple (fo r the time ) learned and happy .
Some do spell it yet perversely a i tch bone f rom a f ancif ul , , ,
resemblance between its shape and that o f the aspirate so

denominated I had almost f orgotten Mingay with t h e
iron hand —but he was somewhat later He had lost h i s
.
right hand by some accident and supplied it with a

—
,
g rappling hook which he wielded

,
wi th a tolerabl e ad roi t
B EN C HER S O F T HE I NNE R T E M P LE 12 1
n ess I detected the substitute be fore I was o l d enough

.
to reason whether it were artificial o r not I re membe r .
th e astonishment it raised in me H e was a blusteri n g .

,
loud talking person ; and I reconciled the phenomenon to

my ideas as an emblem o f power —somewhat like the horns
-
i n the forehead o f Michael Angelo s Moses Baron Mas e r e s

’
.
,
who walk s ( or did till very lately ) in the costume o f the

re i g n o f G eorge the Second closes my imperf ect r e c o l l e c
,
tions o f the o l d benchers o f the Inner Temple .
F antastic forms whither are ye fled ,

? 01 i f the like o f ,
you exist why exist they no more fo r me ? Y e i n e x p l i

,
c ab l e hal f understood appearances why comes i n reason to

, ,
tear away the preternatural mist bright o r gloomy that , ,
enshrou d ed you Wh y mak e ye so sorry a fi gu re in my

?
r ela t ion who made up to me —to

,
my childish ey e s —the
mytholo gy o f t h e Temple In those days I saw G ods as ,
old men covered with a man tle walkin g upon the ear t h
—
,
;
Le t th e dream o f classic idolatry perish extinct be the ,
fairies and fairy trumpery o f legendary f abl ing in the ,
heart o f c h ildhood there will fo r ever spring up a well

o f innocent o r wholesome super s tition —
, ,
the seeds of ex
aggeration will be busy there and vital —from every day ,
-
f rms educing the unk nown and the uncom mon

o In that .
little G oshen there will be light w hen the grown world ‘
fl o u n d e r s about in the dark ness o f sense and materiality .
While childhood an d while dreams reducing childhood

, , ,
shall be lef t imagination shall not have spread her holy

,
wings totally to fly the earth .
PS
. .
—
I have
done injustice to the soft shade o f Samuel
Salt Se e what i t is to trust to imper f ect memory and the
.
,
erring notices o f chi l dhood ! Ye t I protest I always

thought that h e had been a bachelor ! This gentleman ,
R N informs me married young and losin g his lady in

. .
, ,
childbed within the first year o f their union f ell into a

, ,
deep melancholy f rom the e ffects o f which probably he

, , ,
never thoroughly recovered In what a new light does .
this place his rejection ( 0 call it by a gentler name !) o f

mild S u san P unravellin g into beauty certain pec11 ~
1 22 ESSAY S O F EL I A
h ar i ti e s thi s very shy and retiring character ! Hence
of
forth let no o n e receive the narratives o f E lia fo r tr ue

records ! They are in truth but shadows o f fact—veri
similitudes not verities —o r sitting but upon the remote
,
edges and outskirts o f history H e is n o such honest .
chronicler as R N and would have done better perhaps

. .
,
to have consulted th at gentleman before he sent these

incondite reminiscences to press But th e worthy sub
treasure r—who respects his o l d and new masters —would
.
but ha ve been p u z zled at the indecorous liberties o f E lia .
The good man wots not peradventure o f the licence which

, ,
Magazi nes have arrived at in this plain speakin g age o r -
h ardly dreams o f their existence beyond the Gentl em an s

’
his f urthest monthly excursions in this n ature having been

long confined to the holy ground o f honest Ur ban s obituary ’
.
May it be long bef ore his o w n name shall help t o swell

those columns o f unenvied fl attery — Meantime O ye Ne w ,
Benchers o f the Inner Temple cherish him kindly f o r he , ,
is himself the kindliest o f human creatures Should i n fi r

m i t i e s overtake him —
.
h e is yet in green and vigorous

senility—mak e allowances fo r them remembering that , .
So may t h e Winged Horse your

”
ye yourselves are old .
,
ancient badge and cognizance still fl ourish ! so may future

,
H ook ers and Se l d e n s illustrate your church an d chambers !

so may the sparrows i n de fault o f more melodious quiristers
, ,
u n poisoned hop about your walks ! so may the fresh coloured -
and cleanly nursery maid who by leave airs her playf ul

-
, , ,
charge in your stately gardens drop her prettiest blushing ,
courtesy as ye pass reductive o f j uvenescent emotion ! so

,
may the y ounk ers o f t his generation eye you pacing your ,
stately terrace with the same superstitious v eneration

,
with which the child E lia gaz ed 01 th e Ol d Worthies tha t

s olemni z ed the parade before e !
y
1 24 E SSAY S o r EL I A
or not sits down to his fare with a present sense o f the
,
blessing which can be but f eebly acted by the rich into

, ,
whose minds the conception o f wanting a dinner could

n ever but by some extreme theory have entered The
—
ood the animal sustenance—is barely
.
, ,
proper end o f f
contemplated by them The poor man s bread is his daily
.
’
bread literally his bread fo r the day Their courses are

, .
101 enn1 al
1
Again the pl a inest diet seems the fittest to be precede d
,
by the grace That which i s least stimulative to appetite

.
,
leaves the mind mos t f ree fo r foreign considerations A .
m an may f eel thankful heartily than k f ul over a dish o f

, ,
plain mutton with turnips and have leisure t o refl ect upon
,
the ordinance and institution o f eating ; when he shall

confess a perturbation o f mind inconsistent with the pur ,
poses o f the grace at the presen ce o f venison or turtle

, .
When I have sate (a r am s hosp es ) at rich men s tables ’
with the savoury soup an d messes steaming up the nostrils ,
and moistening the lips o f t h e guests with desire and a

distracted choice I have fel t the introduction o f that
,
ceremony to be u n seasona ble I Vi th the ravenous orgasm .
u pon
y o u it seems impertinent to interpose a religious
,
sentiment It is a con fusion o f purpose to mutter out

.
praises f rom a mouth that waters The heats of epicurism .
put out the gentle fl ame of devotion The incense w hich .
rises round is pagan and the belly god intercepts it fo r its

,
-
ow n . The very e x c eis s of the provision beyond the needs ,
takes away all sense o f proportion between the end and

means The giver is veiled by his gifts Y o u are start led
at the injustice o f returning thank s —fo r what fo r having
. .
too much while so man y starve It is to praise the G od . s
amiss .
I have observed this awk wardness f elt scarce consciously ,
perhaps by the good man who says the grace I have

seen it in clergymen and others —a sort o f sha m e —a sense
.
,
o f the c o presence o f circumstances which unhallo w the

-
blessing After a de v otional tone put o n f o r a fe w secon d s

.
,
how rapidly the spea k e 1 wil l fall into h i s common voice !

hel ping himself o r h i s neighbour as i f to get 1 i d o f some ,
G RA C E B EF O R E MEAT 125
un easy sensation o f hypoc risy No t that th e good m an w as .
a h ypocrite o r was n o t most conscientious in the discharge

‘
o f the duty ; but he f elt in his inmost mi n d the i n c o m
p at i b i l i t
y o f the scene and t h e viands be f ore him with the
exercise o f a calm and rational gratitude

I hear somebody exclaim —Would y o u have Christians
.
s i t down at table lik e hogs to thei r troughs without

rememberi n g the G iver — no —
, ,
I would have them sit

do w n as Christians remembering the Giver and less li k e
, ,
hogs Or i f their appetites must run riot and they must

.
, ,
pamper themselves with delicacies f o r which east and west

are ransacked I would have them postpone their bene
,
diction to a fitter season when appetite is laid ; when the ,
still small voice can be heard and the reason o f the grace
returns—with temperate diet an d restri cted dishes G lut
,
i t o n y and sur feiting are no proper o ccasions f or thanks

‘
giving When J e sh u r u n waxed fat we read that h e kicked

.
, .
Virgil kn e w t h e harpy nature better when he put into the -
mouth o f Cel aeno anythin g but a blessing We may be .
grateful l y sensible o f the deliciousness o f some k inds o f

food beyond others t hough that is a meaner an d in ferior
,
gratitude but the proper object o f th e grace is sustenance ,
not relishes ; daily bread not delicacies t h e means o f li fe , ,
and n o t t h e means o f pampering the carcass With wha t .
frame or composure I wonder can a city chaplain pro , ,
nounce his benediction at some great Hall feast when he

knows that h i s last concluding pious word —
-
and that in all

robability the sacred n ame which he preaches —is but
p ,
the signal fo r so many impatient harpies to commence t h eir

f oul orgies with as little sense o f true thankfulness ( which
,
is temperance ) as those Virgilian fowl ! It is well i f the

good man himsel f d o e s not f eel hi s devotions a li t tle
c l ouded those f oggy sensuous steams mingling w ith an d
,
polluting the pure altar sacri fi ce .
The severest satire upon full tabl es is the banquet which

Satan in the
, Paradise Regained provides fo r a t e m p ta ,
~
tion in the wilderness

A t bl i ch l y sp re d i regal m o de
a e r a n
With di sh e s p il e d and mee ts o f n obl es t so t

, r
1 26 ESS AY S or E LI A
And savour ; be as s of c h as e , or fowl o f game, t
t t
I n p as ry b u il , o r fr o m th e sp i , or boil ed, t
- -
t
G ri s am b er s eam ed ; all fi sh fr o m se a or sh o re .
t
Fr es h e o r p ur l i n g b rook, fo r wh i c h was d rai ne d
Pon tu s an d Lu cri n e b ay and A fri c c oast
, , .
‘
The Tempter I warrant you thought t hese cates w ould

,
.
,
.
go dow n without the recommendatory pre face o f a bene

diction Th ey are li k e to be short graces where the devil
.
plays the host I am afraid the poet wants his usual

.
decorum in this place Was he thinking o f the old R oman .
luxury o r o f a gaudy day at Cambridge ? This was a

,
temptation fitter fo r a Heliogabalus The whole banquet .
is too civic and culina ry and the accompaniments alto ,
gether a profanation o f that deep abstracted holy scene , , .
The mighty artillery o f sauces which the cook fi e n d ,

-
conjures up is ou t o f proportion to the simple wants and

,
.
plain hunger of the guest H e that disturbed him in his .
dre ams fr o m h i s d reams might have been taught b etter

,
.
.
To the t emperate fantasies of the famished Son of G o d ,
what sort o f feasts presented the mselves H e dreamed -
indeed ,
A s ap p etite i s wo nt to dre am ,
O f m ts and dri n k s n tur e s e fresh ment s weet

’
ea ,
a r .
Bu t what meats
H i m th o ugh t h e b y th e b rook o f Ch e ri th stood ,
An d sa wt h e r ave n s with th e ir h o rn y beak s

j
Fo od to E l i ah b ri n gi n g e e n and m o rn ; v
Th o u gh rave n o u s tau g h t to ab s ai n f ro m wh a
, t t th ey b r o ug h t
°
He s aw t h e p r o p h e al so h ow h e fl e d t
t t
I n o th e de se r , an d h o w th ere h e sl e p t
j
Un d e r a uni p e r ; h en h o w awaked t
He fou n d h is su p p e r on t h e coal s p r ep a ed , r
A nd b y t h e an ge l was b i d r i se an d eat ,
A n d ate th e se c o n d i m e af e r re p o s e , t t
t t
T h e s re ng h wh e reo f s u f c ed h i m for ty day s fi
t t t
S o m e i m e s , h a w i h E l i ah h e p ar o o k t j t ,
t
O r as a gu e s w i th D an i e l at h i s p u l s e .
Nothing in M ilton is fi n e l i e r fancied than the s e t emperate

dr eams o f the divine Hu nge re r To wh i ch o f t hese t w o .
s avoury mess and to find one quite tasteless and s ap 1dl e ss
—
,
B utter ill melted that commonest o f kitchen f ailures

puts me beside my tenor —The author o f the R ambler .
used to make inarticulate animal noises over a f avourite

f ood . Was this the music quite proper to be preceded by
t h e grace ? or would the pious man have done better t o
postpone his devotions to a season when the blessing .
might be contemplated with less perturbation ? I quarrel

with no m an s tas tes nor would set my thin face against
’
those excellent things i n their way jollity and feasting

, , .
But as these exercises however laudable have little in , ,
the m o f grace or grace fulness a man should be sure be fore , ,
he ventures so to grace them that while he is pretending ,
his devotions otherwhere he is not secretly kissin g his

hand to some great fi s h —his D agon — with a special co u
,
secra tion o f no ar k but the fat tureen bef ore him Graces . .
are the sweet preluding strains to the banquets o f an gels

and chil dren ; to the roots and severer repasts o f the m
Chartreuse ; to the slender but not slenderly ack now ,
ledged re fection o f the poor and humble man : but at the

,
h e ap e d u p boards o f the pampered and the luxurious they

‘
become o f dissonant mood less timed and tuned to the , .
occasion methinks than the n oise o f those better befitting

, ,
'
organs would be which children hear tales o f at Hog s ,

’
N orton We sit too long at our meals o r ar e too curious

.
,
in t h e study o f them o r t o o disordered in o u r application

,
to them or engross too great a portion o f those good

,
things ( which should be common ) to o u r share to be .

,
abl e with any grace to say grace To be thankf ul for . .
what we grasp ex ceeding o u r proportion is to add g

, ,
hypocrisy to i njustice A lurking sense o f this truth is

. .
what makes the perf ormance o f this duty so cold and ,
s p iritless a service at most t ables In houses where the . .
grace is as indispensable as the napkin who has not seen ,
that never settle d questi on arise as to who s ha ll say i t ?

-
while the good man o f the house and the v i sitor clergyman ,
o r some other guest belike o f next authority f rom yea rs o r ,
g ravity shall be bandying about the o fli ce between them g

,
a a matter o f compliment each o f them n o t unwilling

t
s
,
o i
G RA C E B E FO RE M EA T 1 29
the awk w ard burthen o f an equivocal duty from h is

shoulders
tea in company with two Methodist divi nes
s whom it was my fortune to intro
,
f o r the first time that evening Be fore .
handed round o n e o f these reverend ,
put it to the other with all due solemnity , ,
chose to say anything It seems i t is the custom .
sectaries to put up a shor t prayer be fore this

Hi s reverend brother d i d n o t at first quite
him but upon an explanation with little less
, ,
he made answer that it was not a custom

in his church : in which courteous evasion the
c q u i e s c i n g fo r good manners sake o r in compliance
’
weak brother the supplementary o r tea grace was

,
waived altogether With what spirit might n o t L ucian

.
have painted two priests o f his religion playing into each , ,

'
other s hands the compliment o f performing or omitting

’
a s ac r i fi c e —t h e hungry G o d meantime dou btful o f his

, ,
incense with expectant nostrils hovering over the two

,
flam en s and ( as between two stools) going away in the

,
end without his supper .
A short form upon these occasions is felt t o want r e

rence a long on e I am afraid cannot escape the charge
, ,
impertinence I do not quite approve o f th e epigram

.
s with w hich that equivocal wag but my

(
C V L when importuned fo r a. . .
,
inquire first slyly leeri n g down the table

, ,
clergyman here significantly adding ,
N o r do I think o u r o l d f orm at school

pertinent where we were u sed to preface o u r bald
,
bread and cheese suppers with a preamble connectin g

- - -
with that humble bles sing a recognition o f benefits the

most aw ful and overwhelming to t h e i magination which
religio n h as to o ff er N on tu ne i l l is er at l oc us I remember
. .
we were put to it to reconcile th e phrase good creatures “

,
”
u pon which the blessing reste d with t h e fare se t b e fo r e

‘
‘
us wilfully understanding that expression in a low and

an
,
imal sense —,
till some o n e recalled a legend which to l d ,
h o w, in the go lden days o f Christ s the young H ospital lers
’
w ere wont to hav e smoking j oints o f roast meat upon their

n igh tly boards till some pious bene f actor commiserating
, ,
th e decencies rather than the palates o f the children

, , ,
c om m uted our fl esh f o r garments and gave u s hor r es c o

r efer ens —
-
trousers inst ead o f m utton .
D RE AM C HI LD REN ; A RE VE R IE .
H I LD REN love t o listen to stories about their elders ,
when they were children to stretch their imagination

to the conception o f a traditionary great uncle or grandame -
, ,
wh o m they n ever saw It was in this spirit that my littl e

.
ones crep t about me the o t her evening to hear about their

great gr andmother F ield who lived in a great house in No r
-
f olk ( a hu ndre d times bigger than that in which they and

papa lived ) w hich had been the scene — s o at least it was
generally believed in that part o f t h e country o f the

tragic incidents which they had lately bec ome familiar with
from the ballad o f the Children in the Wood Certain it . ,
is that the whole story o f the children and their cruel uncle
was to be seen fairly carved o u t in wood upon the chimney
piece o f the great hal l the whole story down to the Robin
,
R edbreasts ; till a f oolish rich person pulled it down to set

up a marble o n e o f modern invention in its ste ad with no ,
story upon it Here Alice put out o n e o f her dear mother s

.
’
looks too tender to be calle d upbraiding Then I went o n

,
.
to say h o w religious an d how good their great grandmother

,
-
F ield was how beloved and respected by everybody though

, ,
she was not indeed th e mistress o f thi s great house but ,
h ad only the charge o f it (and yet i n s ome respects she mi ght

be said to be the mistress o f it t oo ) committed to her by
the owner w h o pre ferred l iving in a newer and more
,
fashionable mansio n which h e had purchased somewhere

in the adjoining county but s till she lived in it in a
m anner as if it had been h e r o w n an d k e p t up the dignity
,
1
them h o w I never could be tired with roaming about that
huge mansion with its v ast empty rooms with their w o m
, ,
~
o u t hangings fl u ttering tapestr y and carved oaken panels

, , ,
with the gilding almost rubbed out sometimes in the -
spacious o l d fashioned gardens which I had almost to

-
mysel f unless when n o w and then a solitary gardening

man would cross me —and how the nectarines and peaches
,
hung upon the walls without my ever o ff eri n g to pluck

,
them because they were forbidden fruit unless now and

t he m—
, ,
and because I had more pleasure in strolling about

among the old melancholy look ing yew trees or the firs - -
, ,
and picking up the r e d berries and the fi r apples which

were good fo r nothing but to look at —o r in lying about
-
, ,
upo n the fresh grass with all th e fine garden smells around
me —o r bask ing in the orange ry till I could almost fan c y , k
mysel f ripening too along with the oranges and t h e limes

in that grate f u l warmth—o r in watchin g the dace that
darted to and fro in the fi sh pond at the botto m of the -
garden with here and there a great sul k y pike hanging

,
midway down the water in silent state as i f it mock ed at

their i mper tinent frisk ings —
,
I had more pleasure in these ,
b usy idle diversions than in all the sweet fl avours o f peaches

-
,
nectarines oranges and such like common baits o f children

, ,
-
H ere John slyly deposited back upon the plate a bunch o f

grapes which not unobserved by Alice he had meditated
, , ,
dividing with her and both seemed w illing to relinquish

,
them fo r the present as irrelevant Then in s omewhat a .

,
more heightened tone I told how though their great , ,
grandmother F ield loved all her grandchi ldren yet i n an ,
especial manner s h e migh t be said to love their uncle ,
John L because he was so handsome and spirited a

youth and a k ing to the rest o f us ; and instead o f m 0ping
, ,
about in s oli tary corners lik e some o f us he wo u ld moun t

, ,
the most mettlesome horse he could get when but an imp ,
no bigger than themselves and make it carry him hal f ,
o ver the county in a morning and join the hunters whe n
th ere were any ou t —

,
and yet he loved the old great hous e '
an d garden s too but had t o o much spiri t to b e always

—
,
p e nt u
p w i thin t heir bo u ndaries an d h o w their u nc l e
D REA M C HI L D REN : A RE VER I E 1 33
g rew u
p to man s estate as brave’
as he was handsome to ,
th e admiration o f everybody but o f their great grand ,

-
m other F ield most especially ; an d h o w h e used to carry

me upon his back when I was a lame — f ooted boy—
,
f o r he
was a good bit older than me —many a mile when I could
not wal k fo r p ain — and how in af ter li fe he became lame
f ooted too and I did not always ( I f ear) m ak e all owances
,
enough for him whe n he was impatient and in pain nor ,
remember su fficiently how considerate he had been to me

when I was lame foo t e d and how when he died though
-
he had not been dead an hou r it seemed as i f he h ad died ,
a great while ago such a distance there is betwixt li f e and

,
death and h o w I bore hi s death as I thought pretty well at

first but af terwards it haunted and haunted me and thou gh
.
I did not cry or ta k e it to heart as some do and as I think ,
he would have done i f I had died yet I missed him all day ,
long and kne w not till then h o w much I had loved him
, .
I missed his kindness and I missed his crossness and , ,
wished him to be alive again to be quarrelling with him ,
f o r we quarrelled sometimes rather than not have

( ) h i m ,
again and was as uneasy without him as he their poor

, , ,
uncle must have been when the doctor took o ff his lim b
, .
H ere the chil dren f ell a crying and asked if their lit tle -
mourning which they had o n was not for u n cle John and ,
they looked up and prayed me not to go o n about their

,
uncle but to tell them some stories about their pretty

,
dead mother Then I told how for seven long years in

.
,
hope sometimes sometimes in despair yet persisting ever ‘
I courted the fair A lice W —n ; and as much as children

, , ,
co uld understand I explained to them wh at coyness and

di ffi culty and deni al meant in maidens —when suddenly
, ,
, ,
turning to Alice the soul o f the first A lice looked out at

, I
her eyes with such a reality o f r e presentment that I -
became in doubt which o f them stood there before me o r .

,
whose that bright hair was ; and while I stood gazing bo th ,
the children gradually grew f ainter to my view receding , ,
and still receding till nothing at last but two mournful fea
,
tures were seen in the uttermost distance whi ch without , ,
s peech S trangely impressed upon m e the e ff ects o f sp eech

,
1 34
. E SSAY S O F EL I A
We are not o f Alice nor o f thee n o r are we children at
, ,
al l
. The children o f Alice call Bartrum f ather we are .
n othin g ; less than nothing and dreams We are only ,

.
what might have been and must wait u pon the tedious ,
shores o f L ethe millions o f ages before we have existence

’
,
and a name and immedia t ely a w aking I found my self ,
quietly seate d in my bachelor arm chair where I had -
, _
fallen asl eep w ith the f aith ful Bridget unchanged by my

—
,
s ide but J ohn L ( o r James Elia ) was gone fo r ever

. .
D I S T AN T C ORR ESP OND EN TS .
IN A LETTER TO B F
. . ESQ .
, AT SYD NEY , N E W SOU TH WALES .
Y D E AR F . \
—Vhen I t h i
welcome the sight o f a nk
‘
h ow
letter from t h e world where you were born must be to
y o u in that strange one to which you have been transplanted ,
I feel some compunctious visitings at my long silence .
But indeed it is no easy e ff o r t to set about a correspondence

, ,
at o u r distance The weary world o f waters between us

.
oppresses the imagination It is difficult to conceive h o w .
a sc r awl o f mine should ever stretch across it It is a sort .
o f presump t i on to expect that one s thoughts should live so

’
fa r
. I t is li k e writing f o r posterity ; and reminds me o f
o n e o f Mrs R owe s superscriptions Aleander t o Strephon
’
.
,
”
in the shades Cowley s Post Angel is no more than
.
’
-
would be expedient in such an intercourse On e drops a .
pack et at L ombard Street and in twenty f our hours a friend

,
-
in Cumberland gets it as fresh as i f it came in ice It i : .
only lik e whispering through a long trumpet But suppose .
a tube l e t down from the moon with yourself at o n e end ,
and th e man at the other ; it would be some balk t o the

spirit o f conversation i f y o u knew t hat the dialogue ex
,
changed w ith that interesting theosophist would take two

o r three revolutions o f a higher luminary in its pa ss age .
Ye t fo r aught I kn ow you may be some parasan gs ni g he r

, ,
1
3 6 E SSAY S O E EL I A
hav ing mar r ied a servant mai d ! I remember gravely
s u l t i n g you how we were t o receive her —
-
f o r Will s wi fe
’
was i n no case t o be rej ected ; and your no less serious

replication in the matter ; how tenderly you advised an
abstemious introduction o f literary topics be f ore the lady ,
with a caution not to be to o forward in bringing o n the

carpet matters more within the sphere o f her intelligence
your deliberate judgment or rather wise suspension o f ,
sentence h o w far jack s and spits and m 0ps could with

, , , , ,
propriety be introduced as subjects whether the conscious

,
avoidi ng o f all such matters in discourse would not have a

worse look than the t ak ing o f them casually in o u r way ;
in wh at manner we should carry ourselves to o u r maid
Beck y Mrs William Weatherall being by ; whether we
,
.
should show more delicacy an d a truer sense o f respect fo r ,
Will s wife by treating Becky with our customary chiding

’
,
be fore her o r by an unusual deferential civility paid to

,
Beck y as to a person o f great worth but thrown by the

'
, ,
caprice o f f ate into a humble station Ther e w e r e d i fli .

'
c u l t i e s I remember o n both sides which you did me the

, , ,
favour to state with the precision o f a lawyer united to the ,
tenderness o f a friend I laughed in my sleeve at your .
solemn pleadings when 10 ! w hile I was valuing myself

,
upon this flam put upon you in N e w South Wales the devil ,
in England jealous possibly o f any l i e ch i l dr en not his

,
o
own o r workin g af ter my copy has ac t ually instigated ou r

, ,
friend (not three days since ) to the comm ission o f a matri

mony which I had only conjured up f o r your diversion
,
.
William Weatherall has married Mrs Co tt e r e l s mai d

’
. .
But to take it in its truest sense you will see my dear F , ,

.
,
that news from me must become history to you ; which I

neither profess to write nor indeed care much fo r reading , .
N o person under a diviner can with any prospect o f

, , ,
veracity conduct a correspondence at such an arm s le n gth

,
’
.
Two prophets indeed might th us interchange intelligence

, ,
with e ff ect ; the epoch o f the writer ( H abak k uk ) falling in

with the true present time o f the receiver ( D an iel ) ; but
then we are no prophets .
Then as to sentiment I t fares little be tter wi th .

D I ST AN T C O RRE SP O N D EN T S 137
that . This kind o f dish above all requires to be served

, ,
up hot o r sent o ff in water plates that your friend may

,
-
have it almos t as warm as yoursel f I f it have time to .
cool it i s the most tasteless of all cold meats I have o fte n

,
.
smi led at a conceit o f the late Lord C It seems that .
travellin g somewhere about G eneva he came t o some ,
pretty green spot or nook where a willo w o r somethi ng

hung so fantastically and invitingly o ve r a stream—was
-
, , , ,
— — —
it o r a rock no matter but the stillness an d the
repose after a weary journey tis likely in a languid
, ,
’
,
moment o f his Lordship s h o t restless lif e so took his

’
, ,
fancy that he could imagine no place so proper i n the ,
event o f his d eath to lay his bones in This was all very
,
.
natural and excusable as a sentiment and shows his cha ,
rac te 1 in a very pleasing l i ght But when from a passing

.
sentiment it came to be an act ; and when by a positive ,
tes tamentary disposal his remain s were actually carried all

,
that way f rom Englan d ; who was there some desperate ,
sentimen talists excepted that did not ask the question

, ,
Wh y could n o t his L ordship have found a spo t as solitary ,
a nook as romantic a tree as green and pendent with a

, ,
stream as emblem atic to his p urp ose in Surrey i n D orset , , ,
o r in D evon ? Conceive the sentiment boarded up freighted , ,
entered at the Custom H ouse ( s tartli n g the tide waiters -
with the novelty ) hoisted i n to a ship Conceive it pawed

, .
—
about and handled between the rude jests o f tarpau lin
r u tfi an s a thing o f its delicate texture —the salt bilge
wetting it till i t becam e as vapid as a damaged lustri ng .
Suppose it in material d anger ( mariners have some su per

sti tion about sentiments) o f being tossed over in a fresh
gale to some propitiatory shark ( spirit o f Saint Gothard ,
s ave us f rom a quietus so f oreign to the deviser s purpose !)

’
but it has happily evaded a fis hy consummation Trace it

then to its luc y landing a t Lyons shall we say —
—
.
k I hav e
‘
not the map be fore me —jostled u pon four men s shoulders ’
—baiting at this town—stopping to refresh at t other ’
v illage —
.
waiting a passpor t here a license there ; t h e ,
s anction of the magistracy in this district the c oncurrenc e ,
o f t h e eccle siastics i n that can t o n till at length it ar rives

1
3 8 : E SSAY S o r E L1A -
at i t s des tin ation tired o u t and jaded from a b risk s en ti i

, ,
ment into a fe at u r e o f silly pride o r tawdry senseless a ffec

‘
tati e n Ho w fe w sentiments my d ear F I am afraid we

z
' ' .
s
.
,
can set down in the sailor s p hrase as quite seaworthy

,
’
, . .
L astly as to the agreeable levities w h i eh t h ou gh eo n

, ,
v
t e m p ti b l e in bulk
—
are the twinkling corpuscula which ,
‘
should irradiate a right friendly epistle your puns and

smal l jests are , I apprehend extremely circu ms cribed in ,
their sphere o f action They are so f ar from a capacity o f .
being pack ed up and s e n t b e y o n d sea they wil l scarce .
endure to be transported by hand from this room to the

next Their vigour is as the instant o f their birth Their
. .
nutriment fo r their brie f existence is the intel lectual atmo

sphere o f the b y stan ders : or this last is the fine slime o f
— —
-
N ilus the m el i o r l a ws whose maternal recipiency is as

necessary as the sol p ater to their equivocal generation A
p un hath a hearty k i nd o f present e ar—
.
k issing sm ack w ith

'
it ; you c an no more transmit it in its pristine fl avour than

y o u can s end a kiss —H ave you n o t t r i e d i n some instan c es
.
'
'
t o palm o ff a yesterday s pun upon a gentleman and has it

’
,
answered N o t but it was new to his hearing but it did ,
not seem to come new from y o u It did not hitch in It . .
was lik e pick ing up at a village ale house a two days ol d -

‘
newspaper Yo u have not seen it before but you res \n t

.
,
the stal e thing as an a ff ront This sort o f merchan d iz e .
above all requires a quick return A pun and its recog .

,
nite ry laugh must be c o instantaneous The o n e is the

,
-
.
bri sk lightn ing the other the fierce thunder A moment s , .

’
interval ; and the link is sn apped A pun is re fl e c ted from .
a f r i e n d s f ace as f rom a mirror

a
’
W h o would consult his . .
s weet visnomy i f t h e polished surface w e r e t w o o r three '

,
m i nutes (n o t to speak o f twelve m o n t h s m y dear in , .
giving back its copy . .
I canno t image t o mysel f whereabout y o u are : When I

try to fi x it Peter Wilk ins s islan d comes across me S ome ’
‘
.
,
times you seem to be i n the Hades o f Thie ves I see

»
.
D iogenes prying among you with his perpetual f ruitless

lantern What m u slt y ou be willing by this time to give
'
'
'
f or the sight o f an honest m an ! Yo u m u s t almost h ave

'
.
,
'
1 4° ES SAY S or EL I A
as y o 1
.shall hardly k no w me Co m e n b e fo re B ridget walks .
o n crutches G irls whom y o u lef t children have becom e

.
'
sage m atrons while you are tarrying there The blooming
Miss W— —
.
( you remember S ally W ) called upon us

’
r r
yesterday an aged crone F ol k s w hom you knew die o ff

, .
every yea r F ormerly I thought that death was wearing

out —
.
,
,
I stood ramparted about with so many healthy f riends .
The departure o f J W two springs back corrected my ,
delusion Since then the old divorcer has been busy I f

. .
you do not make haste to return there will be little le f t t o ,
greet you o f m e or mine

, , .
[ Something o f home matters I could add ; but that with ,
certain remembrances never to be omi t ted I reserve fo r ,
t h e grave postscript to this light epistle ; which postscript ,
f o r weighty reasons j u s t i fi c at o r y in any court o f f eeling I

, ,
t hink better omitted i n this fi rst edition ) .
T HE P RAI S E OF C HIMNE Y S WE EPER S -

.
L IK E to meet a sweep understand me — —

not a grown
I sweeper—old chimney sweepers are by no mean s
,
attrac tive —but one o f those tender novices bloomi n g

-
through their fir st nigritude t h e maternal w ashings not

quite e ff aced from the cheek—such as come forth with the
,
dawn o r somewhat earlier with their li ttle professional

, ,
notes sounding like the p eep p eep o f a young sparro w ; o r -
li k er to the matin lark shou l d I p r o n o u n c e t hem in their , ,
a erial ascents not seldom anticipating th e sun rise ? -
I have a k indly yearning towards these dim specks

poor blots —innocent bl acknesses
I reverence these young Africans of o u r o w n g 1 o w t h
t hese almost clergy imps who sport their cloth withou t ,
a ssumption ; and f rom their little pulpits ( the tops o i
chimneys ) in the nipping ai r o f a D ecembe r m orning

, ,
preach a lesson o f patience to mankind .
When a ch ild what a mysterious pleasu r e it w as to

,
T HE P RA I SE O F C HI M NEY SW EE P E R S -
141
witness their operation ! to see a chit n o bigger th an o n e s '

~
self enter o n e kn e w not by what process into what

seemed the f a u ces Aver n i—to pursu e him in imagination as
, , ,
he wen t sounding on throu gh so many dark sti fli n g caverns ,
horrid shades ! t o shudder with the idea that n o w surely ,
he mu st be lost fo r ever to revive at hearing his feeble

shout o f discovered dayl ight —
-
an d then 0 ulness de
( f o f
light !) running o u t o f doors to come just in time to see the ,
s able phenomenon emerge in sa fety the brandished weapon ,
o f his art v i ctorious like some fl ag waved over a conquered
citadel l I seem to remember having been told that a bad

.
,
sweep was once le ft m a stack with his brush to indicate ,
which way t h e wind ble w It was an awful spectacl e cer .

,
t ai nl y not much un l i k e the old stage direction in Macbeth ,
wh ere the A pp ar it i on o f a child crowned with a tree in ,
his hand rises ,

.
R eader i f thou meetest one o f these small gentry in thy

,
early rambles i t is good to give him a penny i t is bette r

, ,
—
t o give him two pence I f it be starving weather and to
-
.
,
the proper troubles o f his hard occupation a pair o f kibed ,
hee l s (no unusual accompaniment) be superadded the ,
demand on thy humanity will surely rise t o a tester .
There is a composition the ground work o f which I have ,

-
un d erstood to be the sweet wood yclept sassa fra s This ’

.
wood boiled down to a kind o f tea and tempered with an ,
infusion o f m ilk and su gar hath to some tastes a d elicacy ,
beyond the China luxury I know not h o w th y palate may .
relish it ; fo r my sel f with every deference to the j udicious

,
Mr R ead w h o hath time o u t o f mind k ept o p en a s h Op ( the

.
,
only o n e he avers in London ) fo r the vending o f this

”
wholesome and pleas ant beverage o n the south side o f
F leet Street as thou ap p r o ac h e s t Bri dge S tr eet—th e only
,
Sa l op ian ho us e—I have never yet adventured to dip my o w n

,
particul ar lip m a basin o f his commended i n gredien t s —a .
cautious premonition to the ol factories cons t antly w hisper

ing to me that my stomach must i n fallibly with all due
, ,
courte sy decli n e it Y e t I have seen palates otherwise

, .
,
n o t uninstr ucted in dietetical elegancies sup it U p w ith ,
avidi ty .
'V
g
ESSAY S O F ELIA
“ r
1 42
I kno w n ot b y what p a1 ti cul ar conformat ions o f th e

org an it happens but I have always f ound th at thi s coin
,
position i s s urprisingly gratifying to the palate o f a yo ung

c himney
s lightly oleagino u s ) do atte n uate and s o f t e nthe fuliginous
concretions which are sometime sf ound (in d issection s ) to

,
adhere t o the roo f o f t h e mouth m th ese u n fl e d g ed p 1 act1

t i o n e 1 s ; o r whe ther Nat u 1 e sensible that s h e had mingled
’
t o o much o f bitter wood in the lot o f t hese r a w v i c t i ins

' ’
caused to g r ow o u t o f t h e earth her sassafras f o r a s weet

lenitive — but so i t is that no possible tast e o r odour to the
,
senses o f a you ng chimney sweeper can convey a delicate -
e xcitement compara ble to this mixture Being pennil ess .
they wil l yet hang their b l ack h eads over the asc ending
ste am to gratif y o n e sens e i f pos sible see mingly n o les s
pleased than those domestic animals —cats —when th ey
, ,
purr over a n ew fou nd spri g o f valerian There is some

-
thing more i n these sy mpathies than philosophy can

inculcate .
N o w albeit Mr R ead boasteth n o t with o

. ut reason tha t , ,
'
his is th e o nly Sal op zdn ho use ; yet b e i t known t o thee
reader—i f thou ar t on e who keepest wh at am called good
,
hour s thou art h aply ig n orant o f the fact h e hath a w e e

,
—
o f indu strious i m itators w h o f 1 m stall s and under open
,
o ,
sk y dispense the same savoury mess t o humbler customers

at t hat dead time o f the da w
, ,
n when (as extremes meet ) th e ,
rake reeling ho me from his midnight cups and the h ard

, ,
hand ed arti san leavin g his bed to resume the pre mature
labours o f the d ay jostle n o t unfrequently to the m an i fést
, ,
discon certing o f the former; fo r the honours o f the pave

m en t It i s the time when 1 11 sum mer between the ex p 1r e d
.
, ,
an d th e n o t yet re lumin ed kitchen fires the kennels o f o u r

’
f air m etropolis g ive f o r th thei r least satis factory odou rs

'
Wi sh e th to dissipate his 0 e rn i gh t vapo urs ’
co ffee cu rSe s the u ngenial fume as he

,
seth ; but the artisan sto ps to taste and bles s

,
p as es the ,
fragrant break fast

the preco c ious h erb—wom
.
Th e is sal o op -
an s darling ’
th e de l ight o f th e e arly gardener w h o tr ansp or t s h i s ,

1 44. ESSAY S O F EL I A
might endure it to have remained his butt and his m ockery

,
t il l midnight .
I am by theory obdurate to the seductiveness o f what

ar e called a fine set o f teeth E very pair o f rosy lips (the
'
.
ladies must pardon me ) is a casket pre sumably holdin g

s u ch jewels ; but methinks they should tak e leave to ’
, ,
air them as fru gally as possibl e The fine lady o r .

,
fine gentleman who show me their teeth show m e bones

, , .
Ye t must I con f ess th at f rom the mouth o f a true sweep a

,
ll i s p l ay ( even to ostentation ) o f those white an d shiny ossi
fi cat i on s stri k es me as an agreeable anomaly in m anne rs

, ,
an d an allowable piece o f f oppery It is as when .

,
A sab l e c l o u d
T ur n s for th h e r sil ver l in i n g on th e n igh t .
It is l ike some remnant o f gentry not quite extinct ; a

badge o f better days a hint o f nobility and do u btless -
, ,
u n der the o b scuring d ark ness arid double night o f th eir

f orlorn disguisement o f tentimes l u r k e t h good blood and
, ,
gentle conditions derived from l ost ancestry and a lapsed

, ,
pedigree The premature apprenticements o f these tender

.
victims give but too much encouragement I fear to clan , ,
destine and almost in fantile abductions ; the seeds o f

ci v ility and true courtesy so o ften discernible in these ,
young graf ts (n o t otherwise to be accounted fo r ) plainly

hint at some f orced adoptions ; many noble Rachels mourn
ing fo r their children even i n o u r days countenance t h e
, ,
fact ; the tal es o f f airy spiriting may shado wa lamentable

verity and the reco very o f the young Montagu be but a
,
solitary instance o f good fortun e out o f many irreparable

and hopeless defi l iatio ns .
In o n e o f t ne state beds at Arun del Castle a fe w years

since —under a ducal canopy that seat o f the H owards
-
is an object o f curiosity to visitors chiefl y fo r its b eds , ,
in which the late d uk e was especially a connoisseur )

encircled with curtains o f d e l i c at e s t crimson with starry ,
coronets inwoven f olded between a pair o f sheets whiter

an d s o ft e r than t h e lap where Venus lulled A scanius—
-
w as
d is c overe d by chance afte r al l meth ods o f s earch h ad
,
T HE P R A I SE o r C HI M N E Y SW EE P ER S -
1 45
failed , at noon day f ast asleep a lost ch i mney sweeper

-
, ,
.
-
.
The little creature having someho w conf ounded his passage

,
a mo n g the intricacies o f those lordly chimneys b y some ,
u nkn ow n aperture had al ighted upon this m agnificent

c hamber ; and tired with his tedious explorations was
, ,
unable to resist th e delicious invite m ent to repose which ,
he there saw exhibited ; so creeping between the sheets

very quietl y laid his bl ack head upon the pillow and
, ,
slept lik e a young Ho w a 1 d .
S uch is the account given to the V 1s 1 t o r s at the Cas tle .
But I cannot help seeming to perceive a con fi rmation o f

what I had just hinted at in this story A high instinct .
was at work in the case or I am mistak en Is it probable ,

.
that a poor child o f that description with wh atever we ari ,
ness he might be visited woul d have ventured under such , ,
a penalty as he would be tau ght to expect to uncove r the ,
sheets o f a D u k e s bed and deliberately to lay hi m self

’
down between them when the rug or the carpet presented

an obvious couch still f ar above his preten sions —
, , ,
,
is this
p r obable I would as k i f the great po w er o f n a tu r e w h i c h
, , ,
.
I contend fo r had not been manifested within him prompt

, ,
ing to the adventure ? D oubtless this young nobleman

o r such mind misgives that he must be was
( f m y m e -
)
allured by so m e memory not amounting to ful l conscious ,
ness o f his condition i n in fancy when he was used to be

, ,
lapped by his mother o r his nurse in just such sheets as

, ,
he there found into which he was now but creeping back

,
as into his proper i ncunabula and resting place B y no - -
other theory than by this sentiment o f a pre —

.
,
existent state
( as I may call it ) can I explain , a deed so venturou s an d , ,
indeed upon any other system so indecorous in this tender

, , , ,
but unseaso n able sleeper , .
My pleasan t friend J em White was so impressed with a

belie f o f metamorphoses like this f reque n tly taking place ,
that in some sort t o reverse the wrongs o f fortune in these

poor changelin gs he institu t ed an an n ual feast o f chimney
,
sweepers at which it was his pleasure to o fli c i at e as hos t

,
an d waite r It was a zs o l e m n supper held in Sm i t h fi e l d

.
,
u pon th e yea rl y return o f the fair o f S t Bartholo m e w . .

Cards were issued a week be fore to the master— sweep s i n
and about the metropolis confining the invitation to their ,
younger f ry N o w and t hen an elderly stripling would

.
get in among us and be good n a turedly winked at ; b u t

,
-
o u r main body were in fantry O n e un fortun ate wight .

,
indeed who r elying upon his d usk y suit had in trude d

, , ,
himsel f into o u r party but by to kens was providentially ,
discovered in time to be no chimney sweeper ( all is not -
soot which looks s o ) was quoited out o f the presence with

,
u niver sal i ndignation as not having on the wedding gar ,
ment ; but in general the greatest harmony prevailed The .
place c hosen was a convenient spot among the pens at the ,
north side o f the fair not so far distant as to be impervious

,
t o the agreeable hubbub o f that vanity but remote eno u gh ,
not t o be obvious to the interruption o f every gaping spec

tator in it The gu ests assembled about seven In thos e
. .
little temporary parlours three tables were spread with

'
napery not s o fine as substantial and at every board a

, ,
c omely hostess p r esided with her pan o f h issing sausages .
The nostrils o f the young rogues dilated at the savour .
Tames White as head waiter had charg e o f the first table ;

, ,
n d mysel f with o u r trusty companion Bigod ordinarily

'
a , ,
ministered to the other two There was clamberi n g and .

’
Jostling you may,

be sure who should get at the first table , ,
fo r R ochester in his maddest days could not hav e done

the humours of the scene with m er e spirit t han m y fr iend .
After some general expression o f thanks f o r the honour the

c om p any had done him his inaugural ceremony was to ,
clasp the greasy waist o f o l d dame Ursula ( the fattest o f

t h e thre e) that stood f ryin g and f retti ng hal f blessing
, ,
-
h al f cursi ng the gent leman and imprint upon her chaste

-
lips a tender salute whereat the unive rsal h ost would set
,
up a shout that tore t h e concav e whil e hundreds o f grin ,
n i ng teeth startled the n ight with their brightness 0 i t .
was a pleasure to see t h e sable younkers lick in the

u nctuo us meat with i
hs m ore u nct 1 011 8 sa y ing s — how he
would fit the tit—
,
bits to t h e puny mouths reserving t h e

—
,
lengthier link s f o r the seniors no w he would interce pt a

mors el even in the jaws of s ome yo ung d e sp e i a d o declaring ,
A COMPLAI N T O F T HE D E C AY O F B EGGAR S .
I N THE M E TROPOLI S .
HE al l sweeping besom o f societarian re formation

-
your only modern Alcides club to rid the time o f its ’ '
abuses —i s u plif t with many hande d sway to extirpate t h e -
l ast fl ut t ering tatters o f the bugbear M EN DI CI TY f ro m the

—
metropolis Scrips wallets bags staves dogs and crutches
.
, , , ,
-
the whole mendicant fraternity with all their baggage , ,
are fast posting out o f the purlieus o f this eleventh p e r

s e c u ti o n
. F rom the crowded crossin g f r om the corners ,
o f streets and turnings o f alleys the parting G enius o f ,

”
with sighing sent
'
B e ggar y i s .
I do not approve o f this wholesale going to work this ,
impertinent crusado o r bel l um a d ex ter mi nati o nem p r o

, ,
claimed against a species Much good migh t be suck ed .
from these Beggars .
They were the oldest and the h o n o u r ab l e s t f orm o f

1
pauperism Their appeals were to o u r comm on nature ;

.
less revolting t o an ingenu o us mind than to be a suppliant

t o the particular humours or caprice o f any f ellow creature -
o r set o f fellow creatures paroch i al o r societarian

-
, T heirs .
were the only rates uninvidious in the levy ungr udged in ,
the assessment .
There was a d ignity springing f rom t h e very depth o f

their desolation ; as to be nak ed is to be so much nearer to
the being a man than to go in livery, .
The greatest S p iri t s have felt this in their reverses ; and

when D ionysius from k ing turned schoolmaster do w e ,
feel anything towards him b u t contemp t ? Could Vandy ke

h a ve made a picture o f him swaying a ferula fo r a sceptre
, ,
w hich would have a ff ecte d o u r minds with the same heroic
p ity ,
the same compassionate admiration with which we ,
r egard h is Belisarius begging f o r an o bo l u Would the

moral have be e n more grace f ul more pathet ic ? ,
The Blind B eggar in the legend the father o f pret ty

—
-
Bessy whose story doggrel rhymes and ale house sig ns -
ca nn o t so deg rade or a t tenuate but t hat some sparks o f a

T H E D E C AY o r B E GG A R S 14
9
lustrous spirit wil l shine through the d isguisements
this noble Earl o f Corn wall (as indeed he w as ) and meme
rable sport o f fortune fl eeing from the unjust sentence o f
,
his liege lord stript o f al l and seated o n th e fl owering

, ,
green o f Bethnal with his more fresh and springing

,
—
d aughter by his side illumining his rags an d his beggary
would the child and parent have cut a better figure
,
d oing the honours o f a counter or expiating their falle n ,
c o n dition upon the three f oot eminence o f some sempstering -
shop bo ard
-
I n tale o r history your Beggar is ever the just antipo de

to your King The poets and romancical writers (as dear
.
Margaret N ewcastle wou l d call them ) when they would ,
most sharply and feelingly paint a reverse o f fortune never ,
stop till they have brought d own their hero in good earnest
to rags and the walle t The dep t h o f the descent illus
, .
trates the height he falls from There is no medium which .
can be presented to t h e imagination without o ff ence There .
i s n o breaking the fall L ear thrown fro m his palace .

, ,
mu st divest him o f his garments till he answer mere ,

“
n ature an d C r e s s e i d f allen f rom a prince s love must

’
, ,
exten d her pale arms pale w ith other w hi t eness than o f ,
beauty supplicating laz ar arms with bell and clap dish

,
-
The Lu cian wits k new this very well ; and w ith a c o n ,
verse policy wh en they would express scorn o f greatness

,
witho u t the pity they sho w us an Alexander in the shades

,
cobbling shoes o r a Semiramis getting up f oul linen

, .
H o w woul d it sou n d in song that a great monarch h ad

‘
declined his aff ections u pon the daughter o f a baker ! y e t

d o we f eel the imagination at all viol ated when we rea d
”
th e true ballad where King Coph etua woos the beggar
,
maid
Pauperism pauper poor man are expressions of pi ty
, , , ,
but pity alloyed with contempt N o o n e properly con temns .
a Beggar Poverty is a comparativ e thing and each degree

. ,
o f it is mocked by its neighbour grice Its poor rents

“
.
and comings i n are soon sum m ed u p and told Its p r e

-
.
teno es to prop rty are almost l udicrous Its pitif ul attempt s

e .
to sa ve e m i ts a smile E very scornful Oom ani o n can

p .
1 50 E SSAY S or E LI A
weigh h i s t r i fle bigger purse against i t Poor m an re
: -
'
.
preaches poor man in the street with impolitic mention o f

his condition his o w n being a shade better while the
, ,
rich p ass by an d j eer at both N o rascally comparative .
insults a B eggar o r think s o f weighing purses w ith him

,
~
.
He is not i n the scale o f comparison He is not under the .
measure o f property He con fessedly hath none any more .

,
than a dog o r a sheep N 0 one t w i t t e th hi m with ostenta.

~
tion above his mea ns N o one accuses him o f pride o r .

,
.
upbraideth him with mock humility N one jostle with .
h i m f o r the wall o r pick quarrels fo r p r e c e d e n c v No

‘
. .
, .
wealthy neighbour seeketh to eject him from his tenement .
No man sues him No man goes to law with him

. If I .
were not the independent gentleman that I am rath er ,
than I woul d be a retainer to the great a led captain o r a , ,
poor relation I would choose o u t o f the delicacy and true

, ,
g reatness o f my mind to be a Beggar ; ,
Rags which are the reproach o f poverty are the Beggar s

, ,
’
robes and grace f u l i ns igni a o f his prof ession his tenure

, , ,
his full dress the suit in which he is expected to show

,
himself in p u blic H e is n ever o u t o f the fashi on o r

.
,
l i m p e t h aw k wardly behind i t H e is n o t required to put .

.
1
o n court mourning H e weareth all colours fearing none

.
, .
Hi s costume hath u ndergone less change than the Quak er s

’
.
H e is the only m an in the universe who is n o t obliged t o

'
s tudy appearances The ups and downs o f the world

.
concern h i m no longer H e alone continuet h in o n e stay . .
The price o f stock o r lan d afl e c t e th him n ot The fl u c t u a .
tions o f agricultural or commercial prosperity touch hi m

not o r at worst but change his customers He is not
,
‘
expected t o become bail o r surety fo r any o n e N 0 man .
troubleth him with questioning his religion or politics .
He is the only free man in the universe .
The Mendicants of this great city were so many o f h er

sights her lions I can no more S pare them t han I cou l d
, .
the Cries o f London N 0 co rne r o f a street i s complete .
w ithout them They are a s i ndispensable as the Ballad

.
S inger ; an d i n their picturesque attire as ornamental as

t h e signs o f o l d L ondon They were the standi ng morals .
Unda
'
fr eq u en s co n fl ux i t ,
i b i m is en sq ue te neb re s
Lam e n tis n oc te mqu e oc u l i s p l o ravi t o bor tam
, .
Pl o ravi t n e c f ru st ra ; o b o l u m d ed i al er e t al te r t t .
t
Q ue i s co rd a e t m en e m in d id erat n a u ra b en ignam t .
t j
A d l a u s i n te rea ac u i so p it u s h e r i l e ,
v
Ve l m e d i is i gil i n s o m ni s ; ad h e r il i a u esa j
tq
A u re s qu e a ue ani m u m ar r ec tu s , se u fru st ul a amice
Po r r ex i t soci asq u e d ap e s sen l o n ga d i ei ,
T ze d ia pe rp ess u s , r e d i t u m su b noc te p arabat .
vt
H i m or es h sec i a f ui t , d u m fa a s i n e b an t ,
, t
q
D um n e u e l ang ueb am mo rb i s, nec i n er te s en e c ta
t
Q u ae an de m o b re p si t ve te ri qu e sa el l i te caecu m
, t
O rbavi t d o m i n um ; p ri sc i sed gra i a fac i t t
t
N e ota i n te r eat l o ng o s d e l e ta p e r ann os,
.
E xi gu u m h u n c I m s t u m ul u m dc c e s p ite fec i , t
t
E s i in o p i s , n o n i ngra tae m u n u s c u l a d e x trae ,
Car mi n e s ign avi tqu e b re vi d o m i n um q ue can e m qu e , ,
Q u od m em ore t, fid u mq ue Gan e m d o m i nu mqu e B e n i g n 11m .
Poor I ru s '
t
fai h f ul wol f d o g h e r e I l i e , -
t t t
T h a wo n to e n d m y o l d b l i nd m as te r s s e p s
’
t .
H i s g u i d e an d g uard n o r w h il e my se r vi ce l as , ted ,
H ad h e occas i o n fo r h a st aff wi th w h i c h t t ,
He g o es p i c ki n g ou t h i s p ath i n fe ar
no w
O ver th e h i g h w ays and c ro ss i ng s ; b u t wou l d p l a n t

,
S afe in t h e c on d u c o f m y fr ien d l y s ri n g ,t t
A fir m foo t fo wa d til l till h h d rh d r s , e a re a c
’
His p oo r e t on s m e sto n e n i g h wh e th
s a o , er e t id e
O f p assers b y i n t h i k t fl e e fl wd
-
c es c on u nc o
’
To w h m wi t h l o d nd p
o i te l m nts u a ass o n a a e
Fro m m om to e ve h i s d ar k e state h e w ai l d
’
.
Nor w ail d t o al l i n ai n s o m e h e re an d h e re
’
v t ,
T h e we l l d i s p o se d an d g o od h e i r p e n n i e s ga ve
-
, t .
t
I m ean i m e at h i s fe e o b se ui ou s s l ep t q t
N o t al l asl eep i n sl eep , b u t h ear t an d ear
.
-
Pr ic k d u p at h i s l eas m o io n to rec e i ve
’
t t
A t h i s k i n d h and my c u sto m ar y cr u m b s ,
t
A n d c o mm o n p o r i o n i n h i s fe as t o f sc rap s
t ’
O r w h e n n igh waru d u s h o m e ward , i r ed and s p en t t

W i h ou r l o n g day and e dio u s be ggary
t t .
T h e s e w ere m y m an ners h i s m y way o f l i fe , t

Til l age an d s l o w d i seas e m e o ver to o k
An d s e ve r d fro m m y si ght l e ss m as e r s s i de
’
t .
t
B u t l e s th e g race o f so go o d d eed s s h o u l d die,
t t
Th r o u gh rac o f y e ars i n m u te o b l i vi o n l os t,
Th is sl en d e r to m b o f u r f h a th I rus rear e d t
T HE D E C AY or B E GG AR S 1 53
Ch eap m on u m e nt o f no u ngru dg i ng h and ,
t t
A nd w i h sh or vers e i ns c ri b e d i t. to a e s t , tt
I n l o n g an d l as t in g uni o n to at te s . t
v t
Th e ir ues o f t h e B e ggar an d h i s D o g .
These dim eyes have in vain explore d fo r some month s

a st a well k nown fi g u re o r part o f the figure o f a m an
p
-
, , ,
w h o used to glide his comely u pper hal f over the pave

ments o f L ondon wheeling along w ith most ingeniou s ,
celerity upon a machine o f wood ; a spectacle to natives ,
to f oreigners and to children He was o f a robust mak e

,
. ,
with a fl orid sailor lik e complexion an d his head was bare -
to the storm and sunshine He was a natural curiosity a .

,
speculation to the scientific a prodigy to the simple The ,

.
in fant would stare at the mighty man brought down to his

o w n level The common cripple would despise his o w n
.
pusillanimity v iew i ng the hale s t o u t n e ss and hearty heart

,
r
, ,
o f this hal f limbed giant F ew but must have noticed

-
.
h i m ; f o r the accident which brought him low took place

during the riots o f 1 7 8 0 and he has been a groundling so ,
long H e seemed earth born an Antaeus and to suck in

.
-
, ,
fresh vigour f rom t h e soil w hich he n eighboured H e was .
a grand fragment ; as good as an Elgin marble The nature .

,
w hich should have recr u ited his re ft legs an d thi ghs w a s ,
not lost but only retired i nto his upper parts and he w as
, ,
h al f a H ercules I heard a tremendous voice thundering

.
and growling as bef ore an earthqu ak e and casting down

, ,
my eyes it was this m andrake reviling a steed that had

.
started at his po rtentous appearance He seemed to want .
but his just stature t o have rent t h e o ffending qu adruped

in shivers H e was as the man part o f a c e ntaur from
.
-
which the horse hal f had been cloven in some dire Lap i th an
-
controversy He moved on as i f he could have made shif t

.
,
W ith yet hal f o f t h e body portion which was le ft him The -

.
03 s ubl i me w as n o t wanting ; and he threw o u t yet a j olly
countenance upon the heavens F orty and two years h ad .

- -
he d r iven this o u t o f door t rade and n o w that his hair is - -
grizzled in the service but his good spirits no way i m ,
paired be c a u se he i s not content to exch ange his f ree

,
ai r and e x erci s e fo r the re traints o f a poor ” h o us e he i s s

ESS A Y S o r EL I A i
1
1 54
expiating his contumacy in on e o f those houses (ironically

c hristened o f Correction
) .
Was a daily S pectacle like this t o be deemed a n u 1s an c e .
which called fo r legal interf erence to remove ? o r not

rather a salutary and a touching object to the passers b y i n -
a great city ? A mong her shows her museums and sup , ,
plies fo r ever gaping curiosity ( and what else b u t an a c cu

m u l at i o n o f sights —endless sights —i s a great city ; o r fo r
-
what else is it desirable ? ) was there not room fo r one

Dus us ( not N atu r es indeed but ) Acci denti um ? What if in
, ,
forty and t w o years going about the m an had scraped

’
- - -
together enough to give a portion to hi s child ( as t h e

rumour ran) o f a fe w hundred s—whom had he injured
whom had b e imposed upon ? The contribu tors had e n
joyed their s ight fo r their pennies What i f af ter being .
exposed all day to the heats the rains and the frosts o f
heaven—s h u ffl in g his ungainly trunk along in an elaborate
, ,
and pain ful motion —h e was enabled to retire at night to

enjoy himself at a club o f his f ellow cripples over a dish
o f hot m eat an d vegetables as the charge was gravely ,
brought against him by a clergyman deposing bef ore a

House of Commons Committee —
.
was thi s o r was his tru ly

’
paternal consideration which ( i f a fact) deserved a statue

, .
rather than a whipping post and is inconsistent at le ast

-
, , ,
with the exaggera tion o f nocturnal orgies which he h as

been slandered with—a reason that he should be deprived
o f his chosen harmless nay edi fying way o f li f e and be
, , , ,
committed in hoary age fo r a sturdy vagabond

The re w as a Y orick once w hom it would not have
.
,
shamed to have sate down at the cripples feast and to ’
hav e thrown in his benediction ay and his mite too , ,

~
,
fo r a compa nionable symbol Age thou has t lost thy .

,
”
bree d s
Hal f o f these storie s about the pro digious fort u nes m ade
by begging are ( I veri ly believe ) misers calum nies One ’
.
'
was much tal k ed o f in the public papers some time since ,
and the usual charitabl e in ferences deduced A clerk i n .
the Bank was s urprised with the ann o uncement o f a five

h undred pound le gacy le ft h i m by a p erson whose name
-
1 56 ESS A Y S or EL I A
d ays . have I my good woman retorted he lookin g
So , , ,
up at the welkin which was just then threatening a sto rm

,
and the jest ( he will have it ) was as good to th e beggar as

a tester
. It was at all events kinder than consig n ing her
. , ,
to the stocks o r t h e parish be a dle

,
.
'
But L has a way of viewing things i n rather a para

.
do x i cal li ght o n some occasion s ]
A DI SS E R T ATI O N U P ON R OAST PI G .
says a Chinese manuscript wh ich my friend

A N KI N D , ,
M was obliging enough to read and exp l ain to me f o r

.
,
the first seventy thousand ages ate their meat r a w clawing ,
o r biting it f rom t h e living animal just as t hey d o in ,
A byssinia to this d ay This period i s not obscurely hinte d

.
at by their great Confucius in the second chapter o f

his Mundane Mutations where he d esignates a kind o f ,
gol d en age by the term Ch e fan g literally the Cooks -
,
’
H oliday The m anuscript goes o n to say that the art o f

.
,
r oasting o r rather broi ling ( which I tak e to be t h e elder

,
brother) was accidentally discovered in the m anner fo l ~
lowing The swine herd H o ti having gone o u t into the

.
-
,
-
woods o n e morning as his manner w as t o col l ect m ast f o r

, ,
his hogs lef t his cottage in the care o f his eldest son B o b o
,
-
a great lubberly boy who bein g fond o f playin g with ,
fire as younk ers o f his age commonly are l e t some spark s

,
escape into a bundle o f straw which k m d l i n g q uickly , ,
spread the c o n fi agr at i o n over every part o f their poor

mansion till it was reduced to ashes Together with the
,
.
cottage (a sorry antediluv ian mak e shi ft o f a building you -
may thi n k it) what was o f much more impo r tance a fine
, ,
litter o f new farrowed pigs no less than nin e in number

-
, ,
perished China pigs have been esteemed a luxury all

.
over the E ast f rom t h e remot est periods that we read o f

,
.
B o b o was in the utmost consternation as y o u may think

-
, ,
n o t so much f o r the sak e o f t h e tenement which his f ather ,
a n d he could easil y buil d up again with a f e w dry branches ,

A D I SSE R TAT I O N U P O N R O A ST P I G 1 57
an d the labour o f an hour o r two at any time as f o r the , ,
loss o f the pigs While he was think ing what he should

.
sa t o his f ather and wringing his hands over the smoking

y ,
remn ants o f o n e o f those untimely su ff erers an odour ,
assailed his nostril s unlike any scent which he h ad be fore

expe rienced What could it procee d from —not from the
,
burnt cottage —h e had smelt that smell be fore —in deed this
.
was by no means the first accident o f the kind whi ch had

occurred through the negli gence o f this unlucky young
firebrand Much less did it resemble that o f any k nown
.
herb weed o r fl o w er A premonitory moistening at the

, , .
s ame time o v e r fl o w e d his ne t her lip H e knew not what .
to think He n ext stooped down to f eel the pig i f there

.
,
were any signs o f li fe in it H e burnt his fingers and to .

,
cool them he applied them in his booby fashion to his

m o u th Some o f the crumbs o f the scorched skin had come
.
away with his fingers and fo r the first time in his l i fe (i n

,
t
the world s li fe indeed fo r before hi m no man had known

’
it) he tasted—cr ackl ing ! Again he f elt and fumbled at the

,
pig It did n o t burn him so much n e w still he licked his

.
,
fingers f rom a sort o f habit The truth a t leng t h bro k e .
into his slow understanding that it was the pig that smel t ,
so and the pig that tasted so delicious ; and surrendering

,
himsel f up to the new bor n pleasure h e fell to tearing up

-
whole handf uls o f the scorched skin with the fl esh n ext it ,
and was cramming it d own his throat in his beastly fashion ,
when h l S S i re entered amid the smoking rafte rs armed ,
w i th retrib u tory cudgel and finding how a ffairs stood , ,
began to rain blows upon the young rogue s shoulders as ’
thick as hail stones which B o b o heeded not any more

-
,
-
than i f they had been fl ies The tickling pleasure which .

,
he experienced i n his lower regions had rendered h i m ,
quite callous to any inconveniences he might feel in those

remote quarters H i s father might lay o n b u t he could
.
,
not beat him from his pig till he had f airly made an end ,
o f it wh e n becoming a little more sensible o f his situation

, , ,
s omething like the f ollowing dialogue ensued .
Y o u graceless whelp what have you got there devour ,
ing ? Is it n o t e n ough that y o u have burnt me down th ree

I S8 ESS A Y S or E LIA
ho uses with your dog s tricks and be hanged to y o u ! b u t ’
—
,
y o u must b e eating fire and I know not wha t what hav e ,
you got there I say , .
O father t h e pig the pig ! do come and taste how

, ,
nice the burnt pig eats .
The ears o f Ho ti tingled wi th horror H e cursed h i s - '

.
son and he cursed himsel f that ever he should beget a son

,
that should eat burnt pig -

. I
B o b o whose scent was wonder f ully sharpene d since

-
,
m c zn i n g soon rake d o u t another pig and fairly rend i ng it

, ,
as u nder thrust the lesser hal f by main f orce into the fis t s

,
o f H o ti stil l sho u ting out E at ea t eat the b urnt pig

—
-
, , , , ,
father only taste O L ord

,
with such li k e barbarous - -
ejaculations cramming all the while as i f h e w ould choke :

.
Ho ti trembled eve1y joint whil e b e grasped the abo mi n

‘
‘
- w
able thing waver ing whether he should n o t put his so n t o

,
’
l
death fo r an unnatural young monster when t h e crackl ing ,
scorchin g his fingers as it had done his son s and apply ,

’
i n g the same remedy t o them he in his turn tasted some ,
o f its fl avo u r w hich ; make what sour m o n t h s he would fo r

,
a pretence proved not altogether displeasing to him In

, .
conclusion ( fo r the manuscript here i s a little tediou s ) ,

'
both father and so n fairly s e t down to the m ess an d n e v e r ,
'
lef t o ff till they had despatched all that remained o f the

.
litter .
B o b o Was strictly enjoined not to l e t the secret esca

-
pe ,
o r the neighbours w o uld certainly have stoned them f o r a

f
couple o f abominable wretches who could think of improv ,

' '
ing upon the good meat which G o d had s en t t h e m N ever .
t h e l e s s strange stor i es got abo u t

,
It was observed that .
Ho ti s cottage was burnt down now more frequ ently than

’
-
ever Nothing but fires f rom this time forward Som e

would break o u t in broad d ay others i n th e nigh t—
. .
time : ,
'
As o f te n as the sow farrowed , so sure was the hou s e o f
'
Ho — ti to be in a blaze and H o ti hims elf which w as th e -
more remark able instead o f chastisin g his so n seem ed to

,
,
,
grow m0 1 e indulgent to him than ever At length they .
w ere watch ed th e terrible m ystery di sc ov e red and fathe r

, ,
and s o n s ummoned to ta k e th ei r t i i al at I e k i n t h e n an
’
.
c u l inary object th at pretex t and excuse might be f ound i n
,
RO A ST PI G .
Of all the delicacies in t h e whole mund us edzh il is I w ill

maintain it to be the most delicate—
,
r in ce s o bs oni o r u m
I speak not o f y o u r grow n porkers—th ings between pig

p p .
—
and pork those hobbledehoys b u t a young and tender
s uckling— under a moon o l d —guiltless as yet o f the sty
-
with no original speck o f the amor i mmundi ti ce the here

d i t ar y failing o f the first parent yet mani fest—his V O l Ce
,
as yet n o t broken but something between a childish treb l e

and a grumble —
,
the mild f ore r unner o r p r ael udium o f a

grunt .
He mus t be r o as ted I am not ignorant tha t our ancestors

.
ate them seethed o r boiled but what a sacrifice o f the

,
-
exterior tegument
There is no fl avour c omparable I will conten d t o that , ,
o f the crisp tawny well watched not over roasted cr a ck

li ng as it is well called—
- -
, , , ,
,
the very teeth are invite d to
their share o f the pleasure at this ban quet in overcoming ’
the coy brittle resistance with the adhesive oleaginous

,
-
0 call it not fat ! b u t a n inde fi nable sweetness growing up

to i t —t h e tender blossoming o f fat —fat cropp e d in the bud
—taken i n the s h o o t —
l
i n the first innocence —the cream

and quintessence o f the child pig s yet pure f ood —the lean
u
no lean but a k ind o f animal manna—o r rather fat and

-
.
, , ,
lean ( i f i t must be so ) s o blended and ru n ning into each

other that both together mak e b u t o n e ambrosian result or
,
’
common substance
Behold h i m while he is doing —
.
i t seemeth rather a “
refreshing warmth than a scorching heat that he is so pas

, ,
'
sive t o H o w equably he tw i rl e th round the string ! N o w

.
h e is jus t done To see the ext r eme sensibility o f that

tender age ! he hath wept o u t his pret ty eyes—radiant
.
jellies—shooting stars .
Se e him in the dish his second cradle h o w meek h e , ,
l ieth ! wouldst t h e n have had this i nnoce nt grow up t o

“
the grossness and indocility w hich t o o o f t en accompany

maturer swinehood ? Ten to o n e he would have proved
a glu t ton a sloven an obstinate disagreeable animal
, , ,
A D I SSER T A T I O N U P O N R O A ST PI G
wallowing in all manne r o f filthy co n versatio n ~ -

f rom
s ins he is happi l y snatched a way
E re s in c o ul d b l i gh t or so rro w fad e ,
t
D ea h came w i h im el y ca r e t t
h is memory is odoriferous — n o clo wn curseth while h i s
stom ach hal f rejecteth the rank bacon—no c o al h eav e r

,
b o l t e t h h i m in ree k ing sausages —h e b ath a f air sepulch re

,
in the grate ful sto mach o f the judicious epicure — and fo r

such a tomb might be content to die .
He is the best o f sapors Pine apple is great Sh e is -
indeed almost too transcendent—a delight i f not sin fu l yet

. .
, ,
so like to sinning that really a t ender con s ci e n ce d person -
would do well to pause —

,
t o o ravishi n g f o r mortal taste she ,

'
wounde th and e x c o ri a te t h t h e lips that approach h

'
l i k e lovers kisses she biteth —

'
’
she i s a p l easure borderin g
o n pain f rom the fi e r c e n e S S and insanity o f her relish—
,
but
she stoppeth at the palate —she meddleth not with the
appetite—and the coarsest hunger might barter her c on
s i s t e n tl f r a mutton cho
y o p
—
Pig let me S pe ak his praise —is no less provocative o f
-
the appetite than he i s satisfacto ry t o the criticalness o f

t h e censorious palate The strong m an may batten o n him
.
,
and the weak ling re fuseth not his mild juices .
Unli k e to man k ind s mixed characters a bundle o f vir

' ’
,
tues and vices inexplicably intertwis t ed and n o t to be

unravelled wi thout hazard he is—good throughout No
, ,
.
,
part o f him is better o r worse than another H e helpeth .

,
as far as his little means extend all around H e i s the , .
least envious o f banquets H e is all neighbours f are .

’
.
I am o n e o f those who freely an d u n gru dgingly impart

a s hare o f t h e good things o f this li f e which fall to their
l o t ( fe w as mine are i h thi s kind ) to a f riend I protest
’ '
.
I take as great an interest in m y f rie n d s p l easures his

’
r elishes and proper satisfaction s as in mine own Pre ’
~
, , .
Hares ph easants
” ”
sents I oft en say
,
endear Absents
,
.
, ,
partridges snipes barn door chick ens (those t ame villatic

, ,
-
c apo ns plovers brawn barr els o f oysters l dispense

, , , ,
as freely as I receiv e the m I love to taste the m as i t .

w ere upon the to ngue o f my friend But a stop must be
, .
put somewhere On e would not like Lear give every

.
, ,
thi ng 1 make my stand upon pig

”
Methin k s it is an
ingratitude to th e Giver o f all good fl avours t o extra—
. .
domi
ciliate o r send o u t o f the house slightingl y ( under pretext
,
o f friendship or I know not what ) a blessi n so part i u l arly

,
g c
adapted predestined I may say to my individual palate
, , , .
It argues an insensibility .
I remember a touch o f com mence in this kind at school .
My good old aunt who never parted from me at the end o f

,
a holiday without s tu fli ng a sweetmeat o r some nice thing , ,
into m y pock et h ad dismissed me o n e evenin g with a

,
smoking plum cake fresh f rom the oven In my way to , .
school (i t was over London Bridge) a grey headed ol d -
beggar saluted m e ( I have no doub t at this time o f day , ,
that he was a counterf eit) I had no pence to console him .
with and in the vanity o f sel f denial and t h e very c o x

,
-
comb1 y o f charity school boy like I made him a present

o f—
, ,
t h e whole ca k e ! I wal k ed o n a little buoyed u p as , ,
o n e is o n such occasions with a sweet soothing o f sel f ,
satis faction ; but bef ore I had got to the end o f the bridge
, ,
my better f eelings returned and I burst into tears th ink , ,
ing how ungratef ul I had been to my good aunt to go and ,
g i v e her good gif t away t o a stranger that I h ad never

seen before and who might be a bad man f o r aught I
,
kn ew ; and then I thought o f the pleasure my aunt would

be tak ingI n thinking that I —I my sel f and not
would e at her nice cake —and what shou ld I say to her the
,
ne xt time I saw her—how naughty 1 was to part with her

pretty present —and the odour o f that spicy cak e came .
back u pon my recollection and the pleasur e and t h e ,
c uriosity I had ta ken i n seeing her make it and her joy
whe n she sen t it to t h e oven and h o wdisappointed S h e

,
would f e el that I h ad never had a bit o f it I n my m o n th at

last —an d I blamed my impertinent spirit O f alms giving .
!
f—
and o u t o plac e hypocr isy o f goodness ; and above all I
wished neve i to see the face again of that insidious ,
fo r no th in g o l d gI ey i mpostor
-
, .
“
O ur ance st or s were ni c e i n the ir method of sae I ifi c ing
.
i s, E SSAY S O F EL I A !
ever made any great impression upon me or had muc h ,
t e ndency to strengthen me in those anti social resolutions -
w h ich I took up long ago upon more substantial consider a

tions What oftenest o ff ends me at the houses o f married
.
persons where I visit is an error o f quite a d i ff erent

description —
,
.
, ,
i t is that they are t o o loving .
N o t t o o loving neither : that does not explain my mean

i g
n . Besides why should hat o end me The ery act
,
t ff ? v
O f separating themselves f rom the rest o f the world t o have ,
the f u ller enjoyment o f each other s society implies th at ’
they prefer o n e another to all the world .
But what I complain o f is tha t they carry this pre ference ,
so undisguisedly they perk it up in the faces o f us single

,
people so shamelessly you cannot be in their company a ,
moment without being made to feel by some indirect hint ,
o r open avowal that you are not the object o f this pre fer
,
ence N o w there are some things which give no o ff ence

.
,
while implied o r tak en fo r granted m erely ; but expressed ,
there is much o ff ence i n them I f a man were to accost .
the first homely f eatured o r plain dressed yo ung woman o f

- -
his acquaintance and te l l her bluntly that she was not , ,
handsome o r rich enough fo r him and h e could not marry ,

'
her he wou l d deserve to be kicked fo r his ill manners ; yet

,
-
no less is implied in the fact that having access and o p p o r ,
t un i t y o f p u tting the question to her he has never yet ,
thought fit to do it The young woman understand s this .
as clearly as if it were put into words ; but no reasonable

young wom an would thin k of making this the ground o f a
quarrel Just as little right have a married couple t o tell
.
me by speeches and look s that are scarce less plain than

s peeches that I am not the h a p y man —
,
, p the lady s choice ,

’
.
It i s enough that I k now I am not : I do not want this

p erpetual reminding .
' '
The display o f superior knowledge o r riches may be ‘
made s u fli c i e n tl y morti fying but these admit o f a pa l lia ,
tive The knowledge which is brought o u t to insult me

. ,
ta ,
may accidentally I mprove me ; and I n t he rich man s houses ’
and pictures — his parks and gardens I have a temporary

, , ,
g s uf m
ru c
et at least B u t th e dis lay o f married h appin e ss
p .
A B A C HEL O R
’
S C O M P LA I N T 165
h as none o f these palliatives it is throughout pure n u ,
recompensed unqualified insult

, .
Marriage by its best title is a monopoly and not o f the ,
l east invidious sort It is the cunning o f most possessors

.
o f any exclusive privil ege to keep their advantage as much
o u t o f sight as possible that thei r less f avoured neighbours

, ,
s eeing li ttle o f the benefit may the less be disposed t o

,
question the right But these married monopolists thrust

.
the most obnoxious part o f their patent into our faces .
N othing is to me more dis t aste f ul than that entire c o m

p l ace nc
y and satis f action which beam in the countenances
of a new married couple —
-
i n that o f the lady partie n
,
l ar l y it tells you that her lot is disposed o f i n this world

,
that you can have no hopes o f her It is t rue I have none .

,
n o r wishes either perhaps : but this is o n e o f those truth s

,
which ought as I said before to be tak en fo r granted n o t

, , ,
expressed .
The excessive airs which those people give themselves ,
founded o n the ignorance o f us u n married people would be ,
m ore o ff ensive i f they were less irrational We will allow .
them to understand the mysteries belonging to their o w n

craf t better tha n we who have not had the happiness to be
,
made free o f the company b u t their arrogance is not con

tent within these limits I f a single person presume to
.
o ff er his opinion in their presence though upon the most ,
indi ff erent subject he is i mmediately S ilenced as an i n c o m

,
petent person Nay a young married lady o f m y acquaint

.
,
ance who the best o f the jest was had not changed her
, , ,
condition above a f ortnight be fore in a question o n which ,
I had the misfortune to di ff er from h er respecting the pro ,
e r e s t mode o f breeding oysters f o r the L ondon m arket

p ,
had the assurance to ask with a sneer how such an o l d ,
Bachelor as I could pretend t o know anything abou t such

m atters
But what I have spoken o f hitherto is nothing to the airs
which these creatures give the m selves when they come as ,
they generally do to ha ve children When I consider h o w

, .
l ittle o f a rarity children are that every street and blind

,
-
a l ley swarm s with the m that the poorest

, peop l e co m e
E SSA YS OF ELI A A
'
1 66
“
m ou ly have them in mo s t abundance —that there are fe w

m arriages that are not blest with at least one o f these b ar
g ains — how o f ten
,
they turn bu t il l and de f eat the f nd , u
h opes o f their parents tak ing to vicious c o u r s e s w h i ch e n d

‘
in poverty disgrace the gal lows &c —

, ,
,
I cannot f cr my li f e
, , .
tell what cause f o r pride th e r e can possibly be in h a ving '
them I f they were young phoenixes indeed th at were

.
'
, ,
born but o n e in a year there might be a prete xt B u t , .
w h en t h e y are so common
I do not advert to the insolent merit which they assume
'
with their husbands o n th ese occasions Le t th em look to .

'
that But Wh y we who are not their natural born sub

.
’
,
-
j t s h oul d be expected to bring o spices m y r r h an d '
incense —
e c s , u r , ,
o u r tribute and homage o f admirati on

, l do n o t ,
-
see .
’
“
Like as the a I r Ow s in t h e hand o f the giant even so .
am the y oung children ; so says the excellent o ffi ce in “
o ur Prayer book appointed fo r the c h ur c h i n g o f women

-
Happy I s the man that hath his qui ver f ull o f them ”
O
So .
s ay I ; but then don t let h i m discharge hi s quiver u on u s

’
p
tha t are weaponless —let them be arrows but not to gall ,
an d stick us I have generally observed that these arrows

.
'
are double head e d : they h av e t w o f orks to be sure t o hit ,
with o n e or the other As fo r instance w hen y o u come »

.
,
into a house which is f ull o f children i f you happen to take ,
no notice o f them ( you are think ing o f somethin g e lse ,
p e I h ap s and turn a dea f ear to their innocent caresses )

you are set d o vvn as untractable morose a hate r of chil
, ,
‘
, ,
dren On the other hand if you find them more than

.
,
usu ally engaging i f y ou are taken with their pretty ,

-
manners an d set about I n earnest to romp an d pl ay with

the m —some pretext o r other is sure to be found for sending
,
‘
‘
them o ut o f the room; they are too noisy o r boisterou s o r ,
Mr . does n et like children With o n e o r other o f .
these f orks the arr ow i s sure to hit y ou .
I could f orgive their jealousy and dispen se with to y in g

'
,
with their brats if it gives them an} pain but I think i t , ,
u nreason a ble to be c alled upon to l ove them where I see

—
,
n o occasio n to love a wh ole fam ily p erhap s eig ht nin e ‘
, , ,
1 68 E SSAY S O F E L I A
f riend grad u ally grow cool and altered towards y o u and at ,
last seek opportunities o f break ing with you I have scarce .
a married f riend o f my acquaintance upon whose firm faith ,
I can rely whose f riendship did not commence af ter th e

,
p e r i o d of hi s mar ri age Wi th some limitations they can

.
,
e n dure that ; b u t that th e good m an should have dared to

enter into a solemn league o f friendship in which they were
not consulted thou gh it happened be f ore they k ne w him
—
,
be fore they that are n o w man and wife ever met this ,
— ,
is intolerable t o them Every long friendship every o l d .

,
authentic intimacy must be brought into their offi ce to be

,
new stamped w ith their currency as a sovereign prince ,
calls in the good o l d money that was coined in some reign

be fore he was born or thought o f to be new marked and ,
minted with the stamp o f his authority before he will let ,
it pass curr nt in the world Yo u may guess what lu ck

e .
generally befalls such a rusty piece of metal as I am in

th ese new mi uti ngs .
Innumerable are the ways which they take to insult and

worm y o u o u t o f their husband s confidence Laughing at ’
.
al l you say with a kind o f wonder as i f you were a queer

'
kind o f fello w that said goo d things but an oddi ty is o n e o f

t h e ways —
, ,
they have a particular kind o f stare for the

purpose — till at last the husband w h o used to defer t o ,
your j udgment and would pass over some excrescence s o f

,
understanding and manner fo r the sake o f a general vein

o f observation not quite vulgar ) which he perceived in
(
begins t o suspect whether y o u are n o t altogether a
humorist —
o u
y ,
, a f ellow well enough to have consorted w ith
in his bachelor days but n o t quite s o proper to be intro

,
d u ce d to ladies This may be called the staring way ;

.
and is that which has of tenest been put in practice against

me .
Then there is the exaggerating way or the way o f irony ; ,
that is where they find y o u an object o f especial regard

,
with their husband who is n o t so easily to be shak en f rom

,
t h e lasting attachment f ounded o n esteem which he h as

conceived towards y ou by never q ualifie d ex aggerations to
,
c ry up all that y o u say o r do ti ll the goo d m an w h o u nd e r

, ,
B A C HEL O R S C O M P LA I N T
’
A
s tands well enough that it is all done i n compliment to ,
him grows weary o f the debt o f gratitude which is due

,
t o s o much candour and by relaxi n g a little on his par t

, ,
and tak ing down a peg or t w o in his enthu s iasm sink s ,
at l ength to the k indly level o f moderate e s t e e m th at fi
decent a ff ection and comp l acen t k i n dness to w ar d s you ”

,
w here she hersel f c an j oin in sympath y with him without

much stretch and viole n ce to her sincerity .
Another way (f o r the ways they have to acc omplish so

desirable a purpose ar e infinite ) is with a ki n d o f innocent ,
simplicity continually to mis tak e w hat i t w as which first

,
made their husband fond o f you I f an esteem fo r some .
thing excellent in your moral charac ter was that which

riveted the ch ain which she i s to bre ak upo n any i ma ,
g i n ar
y discovery
.
o f a want o f poi gn ancy in you r co nversa
tion she will cry

,
I thought my dear y o u described
,
“
, ,
your friend Mr , .as a g eat wit

r ?
I f o n t h e other
”
,
hand it was fo r so m e supposed eh ar m in your conversatio n

,
that he first grew to li k e y o u an d was content fo r this to ,
overlook some tri fling irr egularities in your moral d eport

ment upon the fi r s t n o tice o f an y o f these she as readily
,
excl aims This my d e a r i s your good Mr

, , , On e .
g ood lady whom I t o o k t h e l ib e rty o f expos tulatin g wi th

f o r n o t showing me quite so m uc h re s pect as I though t
'
due to her husband s O l d friend had t h e ca n dour to con fe s s

’
to me that she had o ften he ar d M1 speak o f m e

be fo r e marri age an d that she h a d conceived a g r eat d e s rr e
,
to be acquainted with me b u t that the S ight O f me had

ver y much disap p ointed h e1 expectatio n s ; f o r f ro mh e r
,
husband s represe n t a tio ns o f me she had f ormed a notion

’
that she was to s e e a fine tall o ffi c e r li k e lo o k ing m an ( I ,

-
r y re v e r se o f w
,
u s e her very w or d s the ve hich ro ed

) ,
p v t o
be the truth Th is w as c andid ; and I had the civility n o t

.
to a sk her I n return how s h e came to pitch u pon a st an d a r d

,
of personal accomplish m e nts f or her husband s frien d s ’
which diff ered so muc h f r om his own ; fo r my friend s ’
di m ensions as n e ar as pos ibl e app r oximate to m ine ; he s
s t an d i n g five f e e t fi v e i n his shoes in which I hav e the ,
adv an t a ge o f h i m by about hal f an inch ; and he no m o re

t han myself exhibiting any indications of a martial cha
rac t e r in his air o r countenance .
These are some o f the m or ti fi c at i o n s which I have e n

c ountered i n the absurd attempt t o visit at their house s
‘
To enumerate them all would be a vain endeavour ; I sh al r
therefore just glance at the very common impropriety o f

which married ladies are guilty —o f treating us as i f we ,
were their husbands and vi ce ver s é I mea n when they

, .
,
use us with famil iarity and their husbands with ceremony

,
Tes tacea fo r instance kept me the other night t w o o r

, ,
t hree hours beyond my usual time o f supping while she ,
was fretting because Mr did not come home till

.
,
t h e oysters were all spoiled rather than she would b e

/
,
guilty o f the impoliteness o f tou ching o n e in his absence .
This was reversing th e point o f good manners : for cere

mony is an invention t o take o ff the uneasy f eeling which
we derive f rom knowing ou rselves to be less the object o f
love and estee m with a fellow creature than some other
"
p erson . is It endeavours to make up by s uperior atten ,
t ions i n little points f o r that invidious pre ference which it

,
is f orced to deny in the greater Had Testacea kept the .
oysters back fo r me and withstood her husband s impor

,
’
t u n i t i e s t o go to supper she would have acted according to

,
t h e strict rules o f propriety I know no ceremony that

.
ladies are bound to observe to their husbands beyond the ,
point o f a modest behaviour and decorum : there fore I

”
m ust protest against the vicarious gluttony o f Cer asi a w h o ,
at her o w n table sent away a dish o f Mo r el l as which I ,
was applying to with great good will to her husband at -
t h e other end o f the table and recommended a plate o f

,
l ess extraordi n ary goos eberries to my unwedded palate

i n thei r Ste ad . Neither can I excuse the wanton a ffront
of
But I am weary o f s tri ngin g up al l m y married acquaint

ance by R oman d enominations Le t them amend and .
c h an ge their manners o r I promise to r eco r d the fu l l

,
!
l ength Englis h o f their nam es to the te rr or o f all s u c h ,
de s perate offe n d e rs in future .

172 E SSAY S o r EL I A
ne w suggestion—and the heightened image o f Patience
s till followed a fter that as by some growing ( an d not
.
mechanical ) process thought springing up after thought I

, ,
would almost say as they were watere d by her tears So

,
.
in those fine lines :
t
Righ l oyal c an ton s o f c on t e m n ed l o ve
H al l o q yo u r n am e to th e r e ve r b e r at e h i l l s
there w as no preparation made i n the foregoing image f r o
that w hich w as to follow Sh e used no rheto r ic in her .
passion ; o r it was na ture s own rhetoric most legitimate

'
’
,
t hen w hen it seemed altogether without rule or law

,
.
Mrs Powel (now Mrs R enard ) then in the p r ide o f her

. .
,
beauty made an admirable O livia Sh e was particularly

,
.
excellent in her unbendi n g scenes in conversation with the

Clown I have see n, some Olivias—and those very sensible
actresses too —
.
who in these interlocutions have seemed to .
s e t th eir w its at t h e jester and to vie conceits with him in ,
d ownright emu l ation B u t she used him f o r her sport li k e

.
,
w hat he w a s to tri fl e a l eisure sentence or t w o with and

, ,
then to be dismissed and she to be the G reat Lady still,

.
Sh e touched the imperious fantastic humour o f the character

with nicety H e r fine spacious person filled the scene
. .
T h e par t o f Malvolio has in my judg m ent been so o f ten , ,
m isunderstood and the gener al mer i ts o f the actor who then

, ,
played it so unduly appreciated that I shall hope fo r

, ,
pardon i f I am a little prolix upon these points

Of all the actors who fl ourished i n my time —
.
,
a melan
c h o l y phrase i f tak en aright reader— Bensley had most o f ,
the swell o f soul was greatest in the delivery o f heroic

,
conceptions the emotions consequent upon the presentme n t

,
o f a great idea to the f ancy He had the true poetica l

e n thusiasm —
.
the rarest faculty among players N one that .
I r e m e m b e r possessed even a portion o f that fine madnes s

‘
w hich he threw o u t in H ots pur s f amous rant about glory

’
o r the transports o f the Venetian incendiary at the visio n
o f the fi r e d city Hi s voice had the dissonance an d at

'
-
.
“ ,
times t h e inspiriting e ff ec t o f the trumpet H i s gait w as , .

;
'
un c outh an d sti ff but n o way e m , barrassed by afl e c tat i o n ; .

O N SO M E O F T HE O L D A C T O RS
‘
1
73
an d t h e th o r o u gh
’
bred gen tleman was uppermost in every

-
'
movement H e seized the moment o f passion with greatest

.
truth ; lik e a faithf ul cloc k never strik ing be fore the time ;
,
n ever anticipating o r leading you to anticipate H e was .
total l y destitute o f trick and artifice H e seemed come .
upon the stage t o do t h e poe t s m essage simply and he d i d ’
i t with as genuine fidelity as t h e nu n cios i n H omer deliver

the errands o f t h e gods H e let the passion o r the senti
.
ment do its own work without prop or bolstering H e .
would have scorned to mounteban k i t ; and betrayed none

o f that c l eve r n ess which is the bane o f serious acting Fo r .
t h is reason his Iago was the only endurable o n e which I

,
remember to have seen N o specta tor f rom his action .

, ,
could divine more o f his artifice than O thello was supposed

to do . H is con fessions i n soliloquy alone put you in posses
sion o f the mystery There were no b y inti m ations to mak e
.
-
t h e audience f an cy their own discernment so much greater

—
than that o f the Moor who common l y stan d s lik e a great
helpless mark set up fo r mine Ancient and a quantity o f
, ,
barren spec tators to shoot their bolts at The Iago o f

, .
Bensley did n o t go to work so grossly There was a t r i u m .
phant tone about the character na tural to a general c o n ,
s c i o u s n e ss o f power but none o f th at petty vanity whic h

chuckles and cannot contain itsel f upon any little s u cc e ss ful
stro ke o f its k navery—as is common w ith your small
villains and gree n probationers in mischie f It did n o t
,
.
clap or cro w be fore i t s time It was n o t a man setting his .
w its at a child and winki n g all t h e whil e at other children

’
, ,
who are mightily pleased at being let into the secret but
a consummate villai n entrapping a noble n ature into toils
against which no disce rnment was available where the ,
manner was as fathomless as the purpose seemed dark and ,
wi thout motive The part o f Malvolio in the Twel f th

.
,
N ight was per f ormed by Bensley with a richn e ss and a

,
dignity o f which (to judge f rom some recent castings o f

,
that character) the very t r ad i t o n must be worn ou t f rom

t h e stage No manager in those days would have dreame d
.
o f giving it to Mr B add el y o r Mr Parsons . when Bensley, .
was o ccasionall y abs ent from the theatre John Kembl e ,

‘
1 74
.
E SSAY S or EL I A
thought it no derogation to succeed to the part Malvolio .
i s n o t essentially ludicrous H e becomes comic but by .
accident .H e is col d austere repelling ; but dignified c o n, ,

“
,
s istent and , f o r w hat appears rat her o f an over stretched

, ,
-
'
moral i ty Mari a describes him as a sort o f Puritan ; and

.
he mi ght have worn his gold chain with honour in o n e o f

o u r old roundhead families in the service o f a L ambert or , ,
a L ady F airfax But his morality and his manners are

.
misplaced in Illyria H e is Opposed to the proper l evi ti es o f.
the piece and falls i n the unequal w r te ; t Still h i s p ride

,
i .
,
o r his gravit
y ( call it
,
which you will ) is inherent and ,
native t o the man n o t mock 01 affected which latter only

, ,
'
m e the fit objects to excite laughter Hi s quality is at the .
best unlovely but neither b u fl o o n nor contemptible H i s

, .
bea r ing 1s lo fty a little a o o v e his station but probably no t

, ,
much above his deserts We see no reason why h e should .
not have been brave honourable accomplished Hi s careless , , .
committal o f the ring to the ground ( which he was com
missioned to res tore to Cesario ) bespea k s a generosity o f ,
birth and feeling Hi s dialect o n all occasions is tha t o f a

.
gentleman and a man o f education We must not con found .
'
him with the eternal o l d low steward o f comedy He is , .

,
master o f the household to a great princess ; a dignity

p 1 o b ab l
y con f erred upon him fo r other respects than age o r
length o f servi c e O livia at the first indication o f his

.
,
supposed mad ness declares that she would not have him
,
m i s ca1 r y f o r half o f her dow1 y D oes this look as i f the
—
character was meant to appear little o r insignificant ? O nce
indeed she accuses him t o his face —o f w hat o f being
,
sick o f self love - — ”

but with a gentleness and considerate
,
ness which could not have been i f she had not thought
, ,
that this p a1 t i c ul ar infirmity shaded som e virtues Hi s .
rebuk e to the kn i ght and his sottish 1 e v el l er s is sensible ,
and spirited ; and when we ta k e into consideration the

unprotected condition o f his mi st1 ess and the strict regard ,
with which h e 1 state o f real o r dissembled mourning would

d raw the eyes o f the world upon her house afl ai r s Malvolio -
might feel the honour o f the family i n some ew t

Keeping as it appears n o t that Olivia had any morq
1
fr enzies —but
in tr u th y o u rather admired than p i tie d t h e
, ,
l unacy while i t lasted you f elt that an hour o f suc h mista k e

.
was worth an age with the eyes open Wh o wo u l d not .
wish to li e b u t f o r a day in the conceit o f such a l ady s

v
’
love as O livia ? Wh y the D uk e would have given his ,
pr incipalit y b u t fo r a quarter O f a minu te sleeping o r ,
wak ing to have been so deluded The man seemed t o tread

,
.
upon air to tas te manna to walk with his head in t h e

, ,
clouds to mate Hyperi on O shak e not the castles o f h is

pride —endure y e t fo r a season bright moments o f con
.
,
fi den ce stand s til l ye watches o f th e element that

Malvolio may be still in fancy fair Olivia s lord l —but f ate
, ,
—
’
a n d re tribu t ion say no I hear the mischievous titter O f

Maria —the witty taunts o f S i r Toby—the still more i n su p '
portable tri u mph o f the f oolish k night—the counterfeit Si r

Topas is unmas k ed —an d thus the whirligig o f time as ,
the true clown hath it brings in his revenges I co n fess , .

”
that I n ever s a w the catastrophe o f this character while ,
Bensley played it without a ki n d o f tragic i n terest There

, .
was go o d fo o l e r y t o o F ew now remember D odd What

~
. .
an A guecheek the stage lost i n him ! Lovegrove who ,
came nearest to the o l d actors revived the character some

’
f e w seasons ago and m ade it su fficientl y grotesque ; b ut

,
D odd was i t as i t came o u t O f nature s hands I t might be

’
.
,
said to remain i n p un s natur alibus In expres sing slowness .
o f apprehension this actor surpassed al l others ,

Yo u could .
see the first dawn o f an idea stealing slowly over his coun
t e n an c e climbing up by little and little with a painful
, ,
process till it cleared up at last to the fulness O f a twiligh t

conception—its highest meridian H e see med to k eep back
,
his intellect as some h av e h ad the power to retard their

, ‘
.
pulsa t ion The balloon tak es less time i n filling than it

.
to o k to cover the expansion o f his broad moony f ace over

all its quarters with expression A glimmer o f u n de rs tan d .
ing would appear i n a corner o f h is eye and fo r lack o f fuel_

,
go o u t agai n A part o f his forehead would catch a littl e

.
inte l li gence and be a long time in communicating it t o t h e

,
re mainder .
I am ill at date s b u t I thin k i t i s now be tter than fi ve

.
,
'
’
O N SO M E O F T HE O L D A CT O R S
’
177
t w enty years ago t hat wal k ing in the gardens o f Gray s ’
—
an d
Inn they were then far finer t han they are n o w —t h e

-
acc ursed Verulam Bui l dings had not e n croached upon all
the east s ide o f them cutting o u t d e l icate green crankles , .
and shoulderin g away o n e o r two o f the s tately alcoves O f

the terrace —the survivor stands gaping and relationless as
i f it remembered its brother—they are stil l the best gard ens
o f any o f the Inns O f Court my beloved Temple n o t forgott en
— ,
have the gravest character their aspect being altogether

reverend and law brea thi ng B acon has le ft the impress o f
‘
- — '
his f oot upon their gravel walks . tak ing my af ternoon

solace o n a summer day upon the aforesaid terrace a comely ,
sad personage ca m e towards m e whom from his gr ave air , ,
an d d eportment I j u dged to be o n e o f the old Benchers O f

,
the Inn H e had a serious thought ful forehead and seemed

.
, ,
t o be in med i tations o f mortality As I have an instinctive .
awe Of Old B e n c h e rs I w as passing him with that sort O f,
su -
b indicative to k en o f respec t which one is apt to demon
s t rate towards a venerable stranger and which rather
‘
d enotes an inclinatio n to greet him than any positive

motion O f th e body to that e ff ect—a species O f humility
,
and will worship which I Observe nine times o u t Of t en

-
, ,
rather puzzles than pleases t h e person it is o ff ered to

when the face turning f ull upon me strangely identified
itself with that o f D odd Upon close inspection I w as n o t .
“
mistaken But could this sad thoughtf ul countenance be

.
the same vacant face Of f olly which I h ad h ail e d so o ften ,
under circumstances o f gaiety ; which I had never seen

without a smile or recognized but as the u s her o f mirth ;
,
that look ed o u t so formally fl a t i n F oppington so frothily ,
pert in Tattle so impotently b u sy in Bac kbite so blankly

,
d ivested o f all meaning o r resolutely expressive o f no ne in , ,
A cres in F ribble and a thousand agreeable impertinences ?
Was this the face —f ull O f thou ght and carefulness —

, ,
that
h ad so O ften divested itsel f at will o f e v ery trace O f ei ther
to give me d iversion to clear my cloudy face fo r t w o or three
hours at least o f its furrows ! Was this the face —m an l y
,
so ber intelligent —
,
,
w h ich I h a d so O ften despised ma d e ,
we e k s at mad e mer r y with l The r e m e mbra n ce o f th e

,
freedoms wh ich I had tak en w ith it ca m e u pon me wi th
reproach Of insult I could have a sked it pardon I
. .
thought i t l O Ok e d u p on me with a sense o f injury There

i s something strange as well as sad in seeing actors—
~
.
you r
pleasant fellows particularly—subjected to and su ff erin g
th e co mmon l o t
'
—
their f ortunes their casualties their , ,
death s , seem to belong to the scene their actions to ,
be amenable to poe t ic justice only We can hardly connect .
them with more aw ful responsibilities The death O f this fine .
actor took place sh ortly af ter this meeting H e had quitted .
t h e stage some months ; and as I learned after w ards had , ,
been in the habit o f resortin g daily to these gardens almost ,
to the day o f his decease In these seriou s wal k s probably

.
, ,
b e was div esting himself o f many scenic and some real

vanities —weaning hi mself from the f rivolities O f the lesser
—
and the greater theatre doin g gentle penance f o r a li e
—
f o f
n o very reprehensible f ooleries t ak i n g Off by degrees the

bu floon m ask which he might f eel he had worn too lo n g —
i
'
and rehearsing fo r a more solemn cast o f part D ying he .

,
”
u t o n t h e weeds Of D ominic
p .
I f fe w can remember D odd ; many yet living will n o t easily

forget the pleasant creature who in those days enacted the
part Of the Clown to D odd s Si r Andre w Rich ard or rather
’ '
,
—
D icky Su e t t —
,
f o r so in his li f e time he del ighted t o be

called and time hath ratifie d the appellation—lieth buried
-
on the north side O f the cemete ry O f H oly Paul to whose ,
serv ice his nonage and tender y ears were dedicated There “
are w h o do yet remember him at that period —his pipe

.
clear and harmonious He would O f ten speak o f h i s

.
”
chorister days when h e was cherub D ick y
,
,
.
r
D o dd was a m an o f ead in g, an d l e ft at h i s d ea h a c h o i ce c o l l ec ion t t
t
o f o l d E n gl i s h l i te r a u r e j
I s h ou l d u dge h i m to h a ve b e en a m an o f
.
wi t . t
I k n o w o n e i ns an ce o f an i m p ro m p t u wh i c h n o l en g h o f s u d y t t
v
co u l d h a e b e t ered t .My m erry fri e nd , J e m Wh i e , h ad see n h im o n e t
e ve n i ng i n Agu e c h e ek , an d r eco gni s i n g D o d d t h e n e d ay i n Fl e e xt t
tr t
S e e , was ir reri sti bl y i m p el l ed to tak e o ff h i s h at an d sal u e h i m as t h e t
t t
i d e n ical Kni gh o f t h e p rece d ing e eni ng wi h a v
S ave yo u , S i r t
And r ew
t
.
”t r
r
s ra n ger , wi h a c o u r te o us h al f eb uk ing wave o f th e h and. p ut h i m O ff
-
t
D od d , no t at al l di s c on c e te d at h i s u nusu al ad d ress fro m a
t
wi h an Away. Fool
”
.
spider s strings which served him ( in the latter part O f h i s
’
unmixed existence ) as legs A doubt o r a scru ple m u st .
have made him t o t t e r a sigh h ave pu ff ed h i m dow n; t h e

,
weight o f a frown had staggered him a wrinkle made him ,
lose his bal ance B u t o n h e went sc r ambling upon those

.
,
airy stilts O f his with R obin G ood fello w thorough brake

, , ,
”
thoroug h briar reckless o f a scratched face o r a torn
,
double t .
Sh ak sp e ar e f oresaw him ; when be f ramed his f ools and

je s ters They have al l the true Su e t t sta m p a loose and
.
,
s hambling gait a slippery tong u e this last the ready

, ,
midwi fe t o a without pain delivered jest in words light as

- -
air venting truths deep as the c entre ; wit h id l est rhymes

,
tagging conceit when busiest singing with Lear in the ,
tempest or S i r Toby at the buttery hatch

,
-
.
Jack Bannister and h e had the f ortune to be more o f

personal favourites with the town than any actors before
o r a f t er The d i ff e r e n c e I tak e it was this —
. Jack was , ,
more bel o ved fo r h i s sweet good natured mor al pretensions ,

-
, .
D ic k y was more l i ked f o r his sweet good natured no pre ,

-
tensions at all Your whole conscience stirred wi th Ban

.
n i s t e r s perf ormance o f Walter in t h e Children in the Wood

’
—bu t D ick y seemed l ik e a thing as Sh ak s p e are s ay s o f ,
L ove t o o you n g to know what conscience is H e put us

into Vesta s days E vil fl ed before him—n o t as f rom Jack
.
,
’
as from an antagonist —but because it could not touch him

. ,
, ,
any more than a cannon ball a fl y H e was delivered from -

.
the burthen Of that death and when D eath came himsel f ‘
, ,
n o t in metaphor to f etch D ic k y i t is recorded O f h i m by

, ,
R obert Palmer who kindly w atched his exit that h e

, ,
received the last stroke neither varying his accustomed ,
tranquillity nor tune with the simple exclamation worthy

to have been recorded in his epitaph—0 La 1 0 La 1
, , ,
B obby !
The elder Palmer (o f stage treading celebrity ) commonly -
played Si r Toby i n those d ays ; but there is a solidity o f

wit in the jests o f that hal f F alstaff which he did not quite -
fill out He was as much t o o sho w y as Moody ( w h o some

.
ti m es t oo k t h e par t ) was d ry and so t t ish In sock or b u s k in .

O N SO M E O F T HE O L D A CT O RS 181
there was an air o f swaggering gentility about Jac k Palm e r .
He w as a gen tl e m an with a slight in fusion o f th e f o o tm a n .
Hi s brother B o b ( o f recenter memory ) w h o w as h i s shado w ,
i n everyth i n g while he lived and d w in d led into le s s th an

—
,
a shadow a f terwards w as a gentl eman with a little stro n ger

i fusion
n o f the l a tter i ngr ed i en t ; that w as all It is amazi n g .
h o w a little o f the more or less mak es a di ff erence in thes e

things When y o u s a w Bobby in the D u k e s S ervant
t
.
’
u s aid W hat a pity such a prett y f ello w was on l y a

“
y o ,
servant ! When you saw Jack figuring i n Captain A b s o

”
lute you thought y o u could trace his promotion to some

,
lady o f quality who fancied the handsome f ellow in his

topk not an d had bou ght him a commis sion There fore
,
.
Jac k in D ick Amlet w a s insu perable .
Jack h ad t w o voices both plausible hypocr i tical an d , , ,
ins inuating ; but his se c ondary or supplemental voice still '
m 01 e decisive l y hi s trionic th an h i s com mon ou e m I t was

re s er ve d f o r the spectator ; and t h e dr amati s p er sonce were
s uppo s ed to k no w n oth i ng at all about it The l ies o f .
Y oung Wildin and the s en ti m en ts i n Joseph S u rf ace w ere

g , ,
thus mark ed out in a sort o f italics to t h e audience This .
secret correspondence with the company before the curtai n

( which is the bane and death o f tragedy
) has an extremely
happy e tfe c t in some k inds o f comedy i n the more highly ,

'
arti fi cial comedy o f Con greve or o f Sheridan especi all y ,
where the absolute sense o f reality ( so indispensable to

scenes o f interest ) is not required or would rather in t erfere ,
to diminish your pleasure The fact is y o u do not bel ieve

"
in such characters as Surfac e —the villain o f a rt i fi cial

.
,
comedy—even while you read or see them I f you did .

'
they would shock an d n o t diver t y o u When Ben i n Lov e .

,
fo r L ove returns f rom sea the following exquisite dialogue

, ,
occurs at his first meeting with his father : ‘
S i S mp n Th
r a h st b e n m
so . an y a we y l eagu e B en si ce I saw
ou a e . ar , ,
n
th e
e .
B E y ey b
en . Be n f
, , e gh
een n th t b
. e ll W il l f th e r
ar nou , a a e a . e , a
and h ow do a ll at h o me ? h o w d oe s b ro th er D i ck an d bi o th er Val ?
Hi gh Life B e l o w S tai rs .
1 82 E SSAYS O F EL I A
S i r S a mp s on D i ck ! b o dy 0 m e, D ick h as b ee n d ead h ese t wo year s
.
’
t .
t
I w r i yo u wo rd wh en you we re at L e gh or n .
M t t t M I t
—
B en
’
h a s rue ; h ad fo rgo D ick s d e ad , as yo u say
’
. ess, arry, .
wel l . an d h o w I h ave a m an y u es i ons to ask yo u

-
q t
Here is an instance o f insens ibility which in real li fe
w ould be revolting o r rather in real life could not have c c
,
existed with the warm hearted temperament o f the cha -
r ac t e r But whe n you read it in the S pirit with which such

.
playful selections and specious combinations rather than

strict metap hr ases o f nature should be t ak en or when you ,
s aw Bannister play it it neither did n o r does wound t h e , , ,
—
moral sense at all Fo r what is Ben th e pleasant sailor
which Ba nnister gi ves u s —b ut a piece o f satir e a crea
- m
.
tion o f Congreve s fan cy—a dreamy combination o f all

’
the accidents o f a sailor s character—his contempt o f money ’
— his credulity to w o ni e n —with that necessary estrange

'
ment f rom home which it is just within the verge o f

credibility to suppose might produce such an hallucination
as is here described We never think t h e worse o f Ben fo r
.
-
it or feel it as a stain upon his character B u t when an

actor comes and instead o f the delight ful pha n to m—the
.
,
creature dear to hal f belief —which Bannister exhibited

,
—
displays before our eyes a downright concretion o f a Wapping
sailor a jolly warm hearted Jack Tar — and nothing else
-
when instead o f investing it with a delicious con fusednes s

;
—
o f the head and a veering undirected goodness o f purpose
,
h e gives to it a downright daylight understanding and a ,
f ull consciousness o f its actions ; thrusting f orward t h e

s ensibilities o f the character w ith a pretence as i f it stood
upon nothing else and was to be judged by them alone

,
w e f eel the dis cord o f th e thing ; the s cene is disturbed ; a

real man h as got in among the dr amati s p er s onae and pu ts ,
them o u t We want the s ailor turned o u t We feel tha t

. .
his true place is n o t be hind the curtain but in the fi rs t o r ,
sec o n d g allery .
1 84 E SS A Y S o r EL I A
of ali ty so much as t o confirm o u r e x peri ence o f it ; to
re ,
m ak e a s surance doub l e and take a bon d o f fate ,We must .
live o u r toi lsome lives twice over as it w as the mourn ful ,
privilege o f U lysses to descend twice to th e shades Al l .
that neutral ground o f character which sto od between vice

‘
and virtue ; o r which i n fac t was indi fferent to neither ,
where n either properly was called in question that happy

breathin g place f rom the burthen o f a perpetual m oral
questioning—the sanctuary and q uiet A lsatia o f hunted
-
~
.
casuistr y—is broken up and disfranchised as injurious to ,
the interests o f s ociety The privileges o f the place are .
tak e n away by law We d are not dal ly with images or

.
,
n ames o f wrong ,
We bark lik e foolish dogs at sh adows
. .
We dread in fec tion from the scenic represen tation o f dis

order and f ear a painted pustule In o u r anxiety that o u r
, .
morality should n o t tak e cold we wrap it up in a great ,
blank et surtout o f precaution against the breeze and s u n

shine .
I con fess fo r mysel f t h a t (with no great delinquencies to

answer f o r ) I am glad f o r a season to take an airing beyond
—
the diocese of the strict conscience not to live al ways in ,
the precincts of the l aw courts but now and then f o r a -
,
-
‘
d ream while o r so to im agine a world with no meddling

restrictions—to get into recesses whither the hunter cannot
-
f ollow m e
Se c t sh des re a .
O f w dy I d s i m o t g o e
’
oo a n s r v ,
Wh i l e y t th e w n o f o f J o ve
e er as e ar .
I .
back to my cage an d my restraint the f resher and
com e
m ore healthy f o r i t W a r my sh ac kl es more contented ly

.
f o r havi ng respired the breath o f an imaginary freedom I .
do not k now how it is with others but I f eel the better

—
, ,
always f o r the perusal o one o Congreve s nay why should

f f
’
—
,
I not a d
‘
d even o f W ycherley s comedies I am the gayer ’

.
at least fo r it ; an d I could never connect those sports o f a

wi tty f ancy in any shape with any result to be drawn f ro m
them to im itation in real li f e T hey a r e a world o f them .
s elve s almost as much as f ai r y land Take o n e o f their -

.
I
characte rs mal e o r fe m ale ( wi th tow exce p ti on s they a re
0 0
,
“
O N T HE ART I F I C I AL C O M E D Y , ET C . 18 5
'
a like ) and place it in a modern play and m y v irtuou s

, ,
indignation shall rise against the p r o fl i gate wretch as x

,
warmly as the Catos o f the pit could desire ; because i n a t

modern play I am to judge o f the right and '
the wro ng
The standard o f p ol i c e is the measure o f p ol i ti cal j us ti ce ( .
The atmosphere will blight it ; it cannot live here It has .
",
got into a moral worl d where it has no business from
, ,
which it must needs fall he adlong ; as dizzy an d incapable ,
o f ma king a stand a s a S wedenborgian bad spirit that h as

,
wandered unawares into the sphere o f one o f his G ood Men ,
or Angels But i n its o w n world do we feel the creature is

so very bad —
.
The Fai n al l s and the Mirabels the D o r i m an t s ,

'
and the Lady I o u c h w o o d s in their o w n sphere do not
‘
, ,
o ffen d my moral sense in f act they do not appeal to it at,
al l. They seem engaged in their proper element The y .
break through n o laws or conscien tious restraints They '

.
k now o f none They have go t o u t o f 'Ch r tend e m into the

land —what shall I cal l it —qf; p u c kpl —
.
the U topia o f
gal lantry where pleasure is
,
the manners perfect
f reedom It is al t ogether a speculative scene o f things '
.
,
which has no reference whatever to the worl d that is N0 .
good person c an be j u stly o ff ended as a spectator because ,
no good person su ffers o n the sta ge Judged morally every

character in th es e plays—the f e w exceptions only ar e
.
_
,
m i s ta kes —is ali k e essentially v ain and worthless

'
The .
great art o f Congreve is especially shown i n this that h e ,
has entirely excluded from h i s scenes some littl e gene

r o s i t i es in the part o f Angelica perhaps exce ted — not only
p '
anything li k e a faul tless character but an y p r e te n s i o n s t o

,
g oodness o r good f ee lings whatsoever Whether he did .
this design edly o r instincti v ely th e e ff ect is as happy as

, ,
t h e design ( i f design ) was bold I used to wonder at the

.
strange power which his Way of the Worl d in particular

possesses o f interesting y ou all along in the pursuits o f
characters fo r whom y o u absolutel y care nothing—fo r y o u
,
n ei ther hate nor love h i s personages and I think it i s —

owing to thi s very indiff erence f o r any that you endure t h e
, ,
‘
whole H e has spre ad a pri vation o f moral light I wi l l

'
call it rather than by the W

.
,
bf qi al fitb l m k ne s s
fi
, ,
’
ov e r h is cre ations ; and h is shadows fl it before y ou withou t '
distin ction o r pre ference Had he introduced a good ch a .
ra c t e r a singl e gush o f moral f eeling a revulsion o f the

, ,
u d m e n t t o ac t u al lif e and actual duties the impertinent

j g
'
G oshen woul d have only lighted to the I d i s c o v e r y o f

deformities which now are none because w e thin k t hem
, ,
n one .
'
Transl ate d int o real life the ch rac t er s “ h i s and his .

, a , ,
fri end V y c h e r l e y s dramas are p r o fl i gat es and stru mpets

'
V ’
—
, t ,
t h e business o f their brief existence ; the undivided pur

suit o f lawless gallantry N0 other spring o f action o r .
,
possible motive o f con duct is recognised principles which , ,
universally acted upon must reduce this frame o f th ings to ,
a chaos But we do them wron s o translating them
No such e ff ects are produced i n fi w o rl d

. .
d W hen w e are , .
amon g them we are amongst a ch aot i c people We are

'
.
,
not to judge the m by o u r usages N o reverend institutions

are insul ted by their proceedings—fo r they have none
.
—
'
amon g them No peace o f families is violated a for no

.
-
'
f amily ties exist among them No purity o f the marriage

bed is stained —
.
f o r none is supposed to have a bein g N 0 .
deep affections are disquieted no holy wedlock ban ds are ,

‘
snapped asunder for aif e et i o n s depth and wedded f aith are

-
’
not o f the growth o f th at s oi l There is neither right nor

'
—
wron g gratitude o its opposite claim o r du ty —
—
.
'
r pater , ,
nit o r sonship O f what consequence is it t o Virtu e o r

y .
,
how is she at all concerne d about it whether Sir Simo n o r ,
D app er w i t steal away Miss Martha ; o r who is the father of

L ord F roth s o r Si r Paul P l i ant s children ?
’ ’
The whole is a passing pageant where we should sit as ,

'
unconcer ned at the issues fo r life o r death as at t h e b att l e , ,
o f the f rogs and mice But like D o n Quixote we tak e par t

.
, ,
against the puppets and quite as impertin ently We dar e , .
not contemplate an Atlantis a scheme out o f w hi ch o u r , ,
coxcombical moral sense is fo r a little transi tory eas e

excluded We have not the c ourage to imagine a state o f
.
’
thi ngs f o r which there is n either reward nor punishment .
We cling to the pain f ul necessities o f shame an d blam e

'
.
.
We would i n dict o u r v erv dreams .

no t dare to do the part in the same manner H e wou l d .
instinctively avoid every turn which might tend to un

realise and so to make th e character f ascinati n g H e must
, .
ta k e his o n e from his spectators who would expect a bad ,
m an and a good man as rigidly opposed to each other as

t h e deathbeds o f those geniuses are contrasted in the prints ,
which I am sorry to say have disappeared from the windows

o f my o l d f riend Carrington Bowles o f S t Paul s Church
’
—
, .
yard memory (an exhibition as venerable as the adjacent

cathedral and almost coeval ) o f the b ad and good man at
,
the hour o f d eath where the ghastly apprehensio n s o f the

f ormer —and truly t h e grim phantom wi th his reality o f a
toasting fork is not to be despised —s e finely contrast wi t h
,
the mee k complacent kissing o f the rod taking it in lik e

h oney and butter —
‘ -
with which the latter submits to the

,
scythe o f the gentle bleeder Time who wields his lancet , ,
wi t h the apprehensive finger o f a popular young ladies ’
s urgeon What fl esh li k e loving grass would not covet

.
, ,
to meet hal f way the strok e o f such a delicate mower

-
John Palmer was twice an actor in this exquisite part He

’
was playing to y o u all the while that he w as playing upon

S i r Peter and his lady Y o u had t h first in t imation o f a
. e
sentiment before it was on his lips H i s altered voice was .
meant to y o u and y o u were to suppose that his fictitious

c o—
,
fl u t te r e r s on the stage perceived nothing at all o f it .
What was it to y o u i f that hal f reality the husband was

overreached by t h e puppetry —o r the thin thing (Lady
, ,
Teazle s repu tation ) was persuaded it w as dying o f a

’
plethory ? The fortunes o f O thello and D esdemona w e 1e

not concerned in it Poor Jack has passed from the stage.
i n good time that he d i d not live to th is o u r age o f serious

,
n ess .The pleasant o l d T e azl e Ki ng too is gone in good , ,
time Hi s manner wou ld scarce have pas se d current in o u r

— —
.
We must l o v e o r hate acquit o r condemn censure

'
d ay .
o r pity e x e r t o u r detestable c o x c o mb r y i o f j n o r a l j ud g
' '
g fi ,
g
r fac e to go down n o w
lain —no compromise

, ,
and give horror h is -
pleas ur able faculties o f

O N T HE A R T I FI CI A L C O M E D Y , ET C . 1 89
o ur f atherswelco m ed with such hear ty greetings knowing ,
that no harm ( dramatic harm even ) could come or w a s ,
meant to come o f them must inspire a cold and k illing

, ,
aversion Charles ( the real canting person o f the scene

.
f o r the hypocrisy o f Joseph has its ulterior legitimate ends ,
but his brother s professions o f a g ood heart centre in dow n

’
right sel f satisfaction ) must be lo ved ; and Joseph hated To

-
balance o n e disagreeable reality with another Si r Peter ,
Teazle must be no longer the comic idea o f a f retf ul old

bachelor bridegroom whose teasings (while King acted it)
,
were evidently as much played off at y o u as they were

meant to concern anybody o n the stage —
,
h e must be a real
person capable in l aw o f sustaining an inj u r y —a perso n
,
towards whom duties are to be ack nowledged —the genuine

,
crim con antagonist o f the villanous seducer Joseph To

. . .
realise him more his su ff erings under his un fortunate match

must ha ve the downright pun gency o f li fe —must ( or should )
,
mak e you not mirthful but uncom fortable j u st as the same ,
predicament would move you in a neighbour o r old f riend .
The delicious scenes which give the play its name and
zest must aff ect you in the same serious manner as if you
,
heard the reputation o f a dear female f riend attacked in

your real presence Crabtree and Si r Benjamin —those
.
poor snak es that live but in the sunshine o f your m i rt h

must be ripened by this hot b e d process o f realization into
-
—
asps o r amphisb aenas ; and Mrs Ca ndour C ! f rightful !
—become a hooded serpent Oh ! who that remem bers
.
Parsons and D odd —th e wasp and but t er fl y o f the S chool fo r

.
Scandal— i n those two characters ; an d c h arming natural

Miss Pope the perfect gentlewoman as distinguished from
the fine lady o f comedy in the latter part—would forego
,
the true scen ic delight—the escape from life—the oblivion

,
o f consequences —
t h e holiday barring o u t o f the pedant
Re fl ec t i o n —those Saturnalia o f two or three brie f hours
w ell won f rom the world —
,
to sit instead at one o f our modern

plays—to have h i s cowa d conscie n ce (that f orsooth mus t
not be lef t fo r a moment) stimulated with perpetual appeals
— dulled rather and blunted as a faculty without repose
mu s t be —
, ,
and his moral vanity p ampered with images o f

1
n oti onal justice notional b e n e fi c e n c e lives saved w ithout
, ,
the specta t or s ri s k and fortunes given a w ay that cost the

’
author nothing ?
No piece was perhaps ever so completely cast i n all i t s

, ,
parts as this m anager s comedy Miss F arren had succee ded ’

.
t O Mr s A bi n gton in L ady Teazle ; and Smith the origin al

'
.
,
Charle s had retired when I first saw it The rest o f the

, .
characters with very sligh t exceptions remaine d I r e

, , “
'
member it was then the f ashion to cry down John Kemble ,
who took the par t o f Charles after S mith ; but I thought , ,
very unjustly S m ith I fancy was more airy and took the
.
, , ,
eye with a certain gaiety o f person H e brought with h i m .
no sombre recollections o f tragedy H e had not to expiate .
the f ault o f having pleased be forehand in lof ty declamation .
He had no sins o f H amlet o r o f R ichard to atone f o r Hi s .
failure in these parts was a p as s p o r t to success in o n e o f so

'
opposite a tendency But as far as I could judge the .

, ,
weighty sense o f Kemble m ad e u p f o r more personal in ~
capacity than he had to answer fo r H i s harshest tones

in this part came steeped and du l c i fi e d in good —
.
humour .
H e made his de fects a grace Hi s ex act declamatory .
m an n e r as he managed it only served to convey the points

'
, ,
o f his dialog u e with more precision

-
It seemed to head .
the shaf ts to carry the m deeper N o t o ne o f h i s spark ling .
sentences was los t I remember minutely h o w he deli

'
.
v ered e ach i i n succession and cannot by an y e ff ort im agine ,
how any o f them co uld be altered f o r the better N o man

—
.
could deliver brillian dialogue the dia l ogue o f Congreve

—
because none understood i t —
t
o r o f Wycherley hal f so wel l
a s John Kemble Hi s Val entine i n L ove fo r Love was to
.
, , ,
m y re c o l l e c ti o n faultless
'
,
H e fl agged sometimes in the .
intervals o f tragic passion He would slumber over t h e .
level parts o f an heroic character H i s Macbeth h as

.
'
.
'
been k n o w n to nod But he always seemed to me to b e .
particularly alive to pointed and wi tty dialogue Th e '

.
rel axing levities o f tragedy have not been touched by any

in e him — the playful court bred spirit in which he co n
—
s c -
descended to the players in Hamle t the sportive relief

w hich he thre w into the darker s hades o f R ichard— d is
re ader i s, extant in choice Engl ish and y o u will empl o y a -
s pare hal f crow n n o t i n j u diciously in the qu est o f it
The conception was bold and the d en ouement—the t ime

-
'
an d place in which the hero o f it exi sted considered —

,
not ,
much o u t o f k eeping ; yet it m ust be con fessed t hat it ,
required a delicacy o f handling both fro m the author and

the performer so as n o t much to shock the prejudices o f a
,
m odern English audience G in my opinion had done his . .

, ,
par t .
John who was in fam iliar habits with the philosopher

, ,
had undertaken to play Antonio G reat expectations were.

.
f ormed A philosopher s first play was a new era The

’
. .
night arrived I was favoured with a seat in an ad v an

.
t ag eo u s box between the author and his f ri end M

, G .
sat cheerful and confident In his friend M s looks w h o . .

’
,
had perused the manuscript I read some terror An t o n i o i 1 , .

, 1
t h e person o f John Philip Kembl e at le n gth appeared , ,
s tarched o u t in a ru ff which no o n e could dispute and in ,
m ost irreproachabl e moustachios John alway s d ressed .
m ost provo k ingly correct o n these occa sions The first act
, .
swept by solemn and silent I t went o ff as G assured M

exactly as the opening act o f a piece — the protasis—should
.
, ,
do The on e o f the spectators was to be mute The cha

.
, . ,
r a c t e r s were but in their introduction The passion s and .
the inci d en t s would be developed hereaf ter Applause .
hitherto woul d be i m p e 1 ti n e n t Si l ent attention was t h e

e ff ect all desirable Poor M acqu iesce d —but in his hones t
.
-
. .
,
f riendly f a ce I could d iscer n a working which told h o w

’
m uch more acceptab l e the pl audit o f a single b an d ( however

'
misplaced ) w ould have been than all this reasoning The .
s econd a c t as in duty bound rose a li t e in interest

( ) t l b ut
stil l John kept his forces und e r—i n policy as G woul d

,
have i t—and the audience were most compl acently attentive

.
,
The protasis in fact was scarcely un folded The interest

, , .
would warm in the next act against which a special ,
incident was provided M wiped his che e k fl ushed with

a friendly perspiration —tis M e way o f showing his zeal
. .
,
’ ’
—
.
ro
f m every pore o f h i m a per f u me f alls I honour it
abo v e Al e x a n d e r s H e had o n c e or twi ce during this ac t
’
.
O N T HE AR T I FI C I AL CO ME D Y ,
ET C . 1 93
ned s pal m s in a f eeble en d eavour to elicit a sound

j
oi h i
they emitted a solitary noise without an echo there w as
,
,
—
no deep to a n swer to his deep G repeatedly begged him . .
to b e q u i e t The third act at length brought o n the scene

.
w hich was t o war m the piece progressively to the fin a l , ,
fl aming f01 th o f the catastrophe A philosophic calm .
settled u pon th e clear brow o f G as it approached The .

,
.
lips of M q ui v e red A Challenge was held forth upon

. .
the stage and there was a promise o f a fight The pit

,
.
.
r oused the m selves on this e x t rao r d i n ai y occasion and as
their manner is see m ed disposed to mak e a ring —when

, ,
, ,
suddenly Antonio who w as the challe n ged turn ing the

, , ,
tables upo n the hot challenge 1 D o n G usman (who by the , ,
way should have had his si s ter ) baulks his humour and
, ,
the pit s reasonable expectatio n at the sam e time with

’
,
some speech es o u t o f the N e w Philosophy against D uel ‘
ling The audience were here fairly caught —their courage

’
was up and o n the alert — —

.
,
a fe
w blows di ng do n
g as R s ,
-
, ,
t h e dramatist af t erwards expressed it to me might h ave

, ,
done the business when their most exquisite moral sense ,
was suddenly called in to assist in the mor ti fying negation

o f their o w n p l eas u re They c Ou l d not applaud fo r dis .
appointment ; t h ey would not condemn fo r morality s sake

’
’
.
The interest stood stone stil l ; and John s man ner was not ’
at al l calcu l ated to unpetri fy it It was Christmas time .

.
,
and the atmosphere f u rnished so m e pretext f o r asthmatic

a tf e c t i o n s O n e beg an to cough — his neighbou r sympa
t h i z e d with him —till a c ough became epidemic al
.
But .
whe n from being hal f ar tificial I n the p i t the cough got

, ,
f rightf ully natu r alised among the fictit i ous persons o f the
drama and Antonio himself ( al beit it was not s et d own I n
,
the stage directions ) seemed more intent upon relieving

his o w n lungs than the dis tresses o f t h e author and h i s
friend s — the n G first knew f ear ; and mildly turnin g
r. ,
t o M intimated that he had not been a w are that Mr K

.
, . .
laboured under a cold ; and that the performance might

ssibly have been postponed with advantage r some
—
p o f o
nights further still keeping the same serene co nu re '
nance wh i le M s w e at l i ke a b u ll
, I t would be invidio us t o
. .
1 94 ESSAY S O F EL I A
pursue the fates o f this ill starred e v e n i n gf In vain di d -
the plot thic k e n i n the scenes that followed ; i n vain the

dialogue waxed more passionate and stirring and t h e ,
'
i o r e s s o f the sentiment point more and more cle arly to

p g
the ard u ous development whic h impended In train the .
action was accelerated while th e acting stood still F rom , .
the beginning John had taken hi s stand ; had wound him

self up to an even tenor o f stately declamation from which ,
no exi gence o f dialogue or person could make him swerve '
f o r an instant T o dream o f hi s rising with the scene ( the

.
common trick o f t r a e d 1an s was preposterous ; for from

g
,
t h e onset he had planted himsel f as upon a terrace on an

, , ,
eminence vastly above the audience and he kept that ,
sublime level to the end H e looked f rom his throne o f .
elevated sentiment upon the under world of spectators

"
with a most sovereign and becoming contempt There .
was excellent pathos delivered o u t to them an the y .
would receive it so ; an they would not receive i t so ;

, ,
'
there was no o fi e n ce against decorum i n all this nothing

to condemn to damn N ot an irreverent symptom of a
, .
soun d was to be heard Th e procession o f verbiage stalked .
o n through f our and fi v e acts no o n e venturing to r ed i c t

‘
p ,
w hat would come o f it when towards the winding up o f , ,
the latter Anto nio with an irrelevancy that seemed to

stagger E l vira hersel f—fo r she had been coolly arguing
, ,
the point o f honour with him —suddenly whips o u t a

o n i a1 d and stabs his sister to the heart The e ff ect was
p ,
.
as i f a murder had been committed in col d blood The .
whole h o use rose up in clamorous indignation demanding ,
justice The feeling rose far above hisses I believe at

. .
that instant i f they could have got him they would hav e
, ,
to rn the un fortunate author to p i eces No t that the ac t .
itself was so exorbitant or o f a c omplexion di ff erent from ,

'
wh at they themselves would have ap p l au ded : 1i o n another
p
o c casion in a Brutus or an Appius but f o r wa n t o f attend
, ,
i ng to Antonio s wor ds which palpably l e d to the e xp e c

’
~
,
t ati e n o f no less dire an event instead o f being seduced ,
by his manner which see m ed to pro mi se asleep o f a les s

,
al ar min g n atu r e t h an i t w as h i s on e to i n fli c t u p on El v ir a :
1
96 ESS A Y S or EL I A
tears o f th e town fo r the loss o f the n o w al most forgotte n
E dwi n O f o r the power o f the pencil t c have fixed them
.
1
when I awok e A season o r t w o since there was exhibited

’
»
,
a H ogarth gallery I do not see why there sh ould not be a

.
Munden gallery In richness and variety the la t ter would

.
,
not fall short o f the f ormer .
There is o n e face o f F arley o n e face o f Knight one ( but

, ,
what a o n e i t is l ) o f Lis ton ; bu t Munden has none that

‘
y o u can properly pin down and call hi s W

, hen you t hin k .
he has e xhausted his battery o f loo k s in un accoun t able ,
warfare with your gravity suddenly he sprouts o u t an ,
entirely n e w s e t o f features like Hydra H e is not o n e

, .
,
but legion ; not so much a comedian as a company I f his , .
name could be multiplied li k e his countenance it might fill ,
a play bill
-
.H e and he alone literally ma kes f a ces appli e d
, ,
to any other person the phrase is a mere fi gure denoting

, ,
certain modifi cations o f th e human countenance Ou t o f .
some invisible wardrobe he dips fo r faces as his f riend ,
S u e t t used fo r wigs and fetches them o u t as easily

, I .
should not be surprised to see him some day put o u t the

head o f a 1 iver horse : or come f orth a pewitt or lapwi n g
-
, ,
some feathered metamorphosis .
I have seen this gifted actor in S ir ChristopherCurry

in o l d D ornte n—di ff use a glo w o f sentiment which h as
made the pulse o f a crowded theatre beat lik e that o f o n e
man ; when he h as come in aid o f the pulpit doing good ,
to the moral heart o f a people I have seen some f aint .
approaches to this sort o f exc ellence in other p l ayers But .
in the grand grotesque o f farce Munden stands o u t as singl e ,
an d unaccompanied as H ogarth H ogarth strange to te l l .

, ,
h ad no followers The school o f Mu n den began and must

.
,
with himself .
Can any man wonder like h i m ? can any m an s ee ghosts

—
, ,
”
like him ? o r fi ght with his o wn shado w SESS A as he doe s
in that str angely neglected thing the Cobbler o f Preston

-
where his alternations f rom the Cobbler to the Magn i fi c o ,
and from the Magn i fi c o to the Cobbler keep the brain o f ,
t h e spectator in as wild a ferment as i f some A rabia n ,
Nigh t were being acted be fore him Wh o l i ke him car} .

’
O N T HE A CT I N G or MU N D EN 1 97
throw o r even attem p t to thro w a preternatural interes t

,
,
over the common est daily li fe o bj ec ts ? A table o r a j oin t

-
‘
s tool i n his concep t ion rises into a dignity equivalent t o

, ,
Cass i Op e ia s chair It i s invested wi t h constel latory i m

’
.
portance Y o u could n ot speak o f it wi th more deference

.
,
i f it were mounted into the fi r m am e n t A beggar in the .
hands o f Michael Angelo says F useli rose the Patriarch o f

, ,
Poverty So the gusto o f Munden antiquates and ennobles

.
w hat it touches H i s pots and his ladles are as grand and

.
b
primal as the seethi n g pots and hooks seen in o l d p r o p h e ti c

-
vision A tub of butter contemplated by him amounts t o

.
, ,
a Platonic idea He understands a leg o f mutton in i t s

.
quiddity H e stands wondering amid the commonplace

. ,
materials o f li fe li k e primae val man with the sun an d stars

,
abou t h i m .
PREFA C E
BY A FRI E N D O F T H E LA T E ELI A
THI S poor ge nt le m an who f or some months past h ad been

,
in a declining w ay hath at length paid his final tribu te to

,
nature .
To say truth it is time he were gone Th e humour o f

, .
the thing i f ever there was much in it was pretty w ell

, ,
exhausted ; and a two years and a hal f existence has been

’
a tolerable duration fo r a phantom .
I am now at liberty to con fess that much which I ha v e ,
heard objected to my late friend s writings was well ’
f ounded Crude they are I grant you —a sort o f unlicked
incondite things —
. , ,
villanously pranked in an a ff ected array

o f antique modes and phrases They had n o t been his i f
.
,
th ey h ad been other than s u ch ; and better it i s that a ,
writer should be natural in a self pleasing q uaintness than -
to a ff ect a naturalness ( so called ) that should be strange to

him Egoti stical they have been pronounced b y some
.
,
who did not k now t hat what he tells us as o f himself w as

, , ,
often true only ( hi s torically) o f another ; as in a f on ner

—
E ssay ( to save many instances) where u n der the fi rs t
hi s f avourite fi g u re ) he s hadows f orth the f o r l o m
p er son
( .
estate o f a country boy placed at a L on d on school far from

—
-
his friends and connections i n direct opposition to h i s

o w n early hi st ory I f it be egotism to imply and twi n e
.
with h i s o w n identity the griefs and a ff ections o f anoth e r

’
m ak i n g h i m s e l f m any o r reducing many u nto h imse l f

~
,
then is the skil f ul novel ist who all along brings in his hear
,
or h e ro ine speaking o f them selves the greate s t e g o tis t o f

, ,
H
202 LA ST E SSAY S O F EL I A
al l ; who yet h as nev er there fore been accused o f that , ,
narrowness An d h o w shall the intenser dramatist escape

.
being faulty who doubtless under cover o f passion uttered

, , ,
by another o ftentimes gives blameless vent to his m ost

,
inward feelings and expresses his o w n story modestly ?

,
My late friend was in many respects a singular character .
Those who did not lik e him hated him ; and some who , ,
once lik ed him , afterwards became his bitterest haters .
The truth is he gave himself too little concern what he

,
uttered and i n whose presence H e obse rved neither time

,
.
nor place and would e e n o u t with what came uppermost

,
’
.
With the severe religionist he would pass fo r a f ree thinker ; -
w hile the other faction set him down f o r a bigot o r per ,
s u ad e d themselve s that h e belied his sentiments F ew .
understood him an d I am not certain that at all times

he quite understood himself He t o o m uch affected that
dangerous fi gu r e —irony H e sowed doubtful speeches
.
.
,
an d reaped plain unequivocal hatred ,

He would interru p t .
‘
'
the gravest discussion with some light jest ; and yet "
,
perhaps n ot quite irrelevant in ears that co uld u nderstan d

,
'
Y ou r lo ng and much tal k ers hated him The inf ormal .
habit o f his mind joined to an inveterate impedi ment o f

,
‘
speech, forbade him to be an orator ; and he see med deter

‘
mined that no on e else should play that part when he was

presc h t He was p eti t and o r di n ar y i n his person and
.
‘
appearance I have seen him sometimes in what is called

.
good company but where he has been a stranger sit silent

, ,
'
,
and be suspected fo r an o d d fellow till some unlucky ,
occasion p 1 ov o k i n g it he woul d stutter o u t some senseless

,
pun (not alto gethe r senseless perh aps if rightly taken ) , , ,
which has stamped his character fo r the evenin g It was .
hit o r miss with him b u t nine times o u t o f ten he co n

, ,
t r i v e d by this device to s e nd away a whole company his

en emies Hi s conceptions rose kindlier th an his utterance
.
'
,
and his happiest i mp r omp tus had t h e ap p eai an c e o f e ff o r t

'
.
H e h as been accused o f trying to be witty when i n truth ,
he was but struggling to give his poor thoughts articula

tion He chose his companions f01 some individuality o f
.
character which they man if este d H ence no t many perso ns .

,
2 04 L A S T ESS A Y S o r EL I A
a version from being tr eated like a grave o r respecta ble
character and kep t a wary eye up on the advances o f age
,
that should so entitle him H e herded always w hile it

.
,
w as possible with people younger than himsel f

,
. He did
not conf orm to the march o f time but was dragged along
,
in the procession H i s manners lagged behind his years

. .
H e was to o much o f the boy man -

The toga vi r ili s never
.
sate gracef ully o n his shoulders The i mpressions o f i n

.
f an c y had bu r nt into him and h e resented the impertinence

,
o f manhood . These were w eaknesses ; but such as t h e v

w ere they ar e a k ey t o exp licate s o m e o f h i s writi ngs
, .
’
T H E LAST E SSA Y S O F E LI A
B L AKESMOOR I N H SH I R E .
'
DO not know a pleasure more affectin g t h an t o range

at wil l over the deserted apartments o f some fine o l d
f amily mansion The traces o f extinct grandeur admit o f
.
a better pas sion than envy : and contemplations o n the

great and good whom w e fancy in succession to have been
,
.
its inhabitants weave f o r us illusions incompatible with

, ,
the b ustle o f modern occupancy and vanities o f foolish

,
present aristocracy The same diff erence o f f eeling I

.
,
think attends us between entering an empty and a crowded

,
church In the latter it is chance but some present human

f railty—
.
an act o f inattention o n the part o f some o f the
auditory—o r a trait o f affectation o r worse vain glory o n

, ,
-
that o f th e preacher puts us by our best thoughts dishar

, ,
m o n 1s1n g t h e place and the occasion But wouldst thou

.
know th e beauty o f holiness go alone

-
o n some week day -
borrowing the k eys o f good Master Sexton traverse the ,
cool aisles o f some country church think o f the piety that

has kneeled there —the congregations o l d and young that
have f ound consolation there —the meek pastor—the docile
, ,
parishioner With no disturbing emotions no cross c on

.
,
fli c t i n g comparisons drink in the tranquillity o f the place

, ,
till t h Ou thyself become as fixed and motionless as th e

marble e fii gi e s that kneel and weep around thee .
J o u r n ey i n g northward lately I could not resist going

,
.
s ome f e w miles o u t o f my roa d to look upon the remains o f
an o l d great house with which I h ad been impressed in this

.
,
W ay in inf ancy I was apprised that the owner of it had

.
lately pulled it down ; still I had a vagu e n otion that i t

20 6 LA ST E SSAY S O F EL I A
co ul a n e t all have perished —that so much solidi ty with ,
m ag nificence cou l d n o t have been crushed all at once into

the m e re dus t and rubbish which I found it .
The work o f ruin h ad proceeded with a swi f t hand i n

de e d a n d t h e demolition o f a fe w wee k s had reduced it to
~
,
an antiquity .
I was astonished at the indis t inc tion o f everything .
Where had stood the gi e at gat e s ? What bounded the fl
court yard ? Whereabout did the o u t ho us es commence ?

- -
A fe w b 1 ick s only lay as 1 e p re s en tati v e s o f t h at which was

' ‘
so stately and s o spacio us .
D eath dees not shrin k up his huma n victim at this rate

”
The b u i n t ashes o f a man weigh mer e in thei1 p ro p 01 ti o n .
Had I seen these brick and mo rtar knaves at their pro

‘
cess o f destruction at the pluck ing o f eve 1 y panel I sh ould

'
h ave fel t the va 1 lets at my h ear t : I sho ul d have cried o u t

' ’ '
t o them to s p ai e a plank at least o u t o f the ch eerful st ere

1c o ri1 in whose hot win d o w seat I used to sit an d re ad Cow
' '
-
ley with t he g rass plot b ei o 1 e and the hum and fl app in gs

, ,
o f that o n e s olitary wasp that ever haunted it about me
i t is in mi n e ears now as o ft as summer return s o r a panel

' '
‘
o f the yello w room -

.
Wh y every plank and panel o f th at hou se fo r me h ad

'
m agic i n it The tapestried b edrooms —

,
tapestry so much
better than painting —
‘ '
.
not adorning merely b u t peopling

the wains cots —
,
at which childhood eve r and anon would
steal a l ook shif ting its coverlid ( replaced as quickly ) to

,
exercise i t s tender courage i n a momentary eye encoun t er '
w ith those stern bright visages s taring reciproca lly —all

’ '
Ovid o n the walls i n colours vivider than his descr iption

,
.
Actaeon i n mid sprout with the unappeasable p rudery o f

'
‘
‘
,
and the still more provok in g and almost culinary

o f D an Ph oeb u s eel fashion deliberately divesti n , g -
o f Marsyas
Then that haunted room —

.
l n which o l d Mrs Battle died
—
.
,
'
whereinto I have crep t b u t always 111 the daytime with
'
, ,
a passion o f fe ar ; a11 d a s n eak ing curiosity terr01 tainted ;

‘
t o hold co m munication wi th the past H o w shal l they biii ld .

-
impeachment to th e i r te n d e r e s t lessons 1 am
Ye t , w i th o ut
‘
not sorr y to have had glance s o f something beyond and t o ,
have taken i f but a peep i n c hil dhood at the contrasting

, , ,
acc ide nts o f a great fortune .
To have the feeling o f gentility it is not necessary to ,
have been born gentle The pride o f ancestry may be had

.
on cheaper terms t han to be obliged to an importunate race
o f ancestors ; and the coatless antiquary in h i s u n e m b l a
z one d cell revolving the long line o f a Mowbray s o r D e

’
,
Cli ff or d s pedigree at those sounding names may warm

’
,
himsel f into as gay a vanity as those who do inherit them .
Th e claims o f birth are ideal merely and what herald shall ,
go about to strip m e o f an idea ? Is it trenchant to their

swords can it be hacked o ff as a spur c an ? o r torn away
like a tarnished garter ?
What else were the f amilies o f the great t o us ? what

,
“
pleas ure sh ould we take in their tedious genealogies o r ,
their capitulatory brass monuments ? What to us the u n

interrupted current o f their bloods i f o u r o w n did not ,
answer within us to a cognate and corresponding elevation 9
Or where f ore else 0 tatt e red and d iminished Scutcheon

’
, ,
that hung upon the time worn walls o f thy princely stairs -
B LAKESMOOR ! have I m childhood s e o ft stood poring upon

'
thy mystic characters —thy emblematic supporters with

—
,
their prophetic R esurgam till every dreg o f peasantry ,
p urging off I received into mysel Very G entility Thou

,
f ?
wert first in my morning eyes ; and o f nights hast detained

my steps f rom bedward till it was but a step f rom gaz ing
,
at thee to dream ing o n thee .
This is the o nly true gentry by adoption ; the veritable

change o f blood and not as empirics have fabled by trans
, ,
f usion .
Wh o it was by dying t hat had earned the S plendid

trophy I kno w not I in quired not but its fadin g rags
, , ,
and colours cobweb stained told that its subject was o f ,
two centuries back .
An d what i f my ancestor at that date was some D am oetas

—
,
f e eding fl ocks n o t his o w n upon the hills o f L incoln

, ,
did I in less earnest vindicate to mys el f the fami ly tr ap <

B LA KESM O O R I N H — SHI RE 209
p ings o f this once proud E gon repaying by a ba ck w ard

?
triumph the insults he might possibly have heaped in his

life time upon my poor pastoral progenitor .
I f it were presumption s o t o speculate the present owners ,
o f the mansion had least reason to complain They had .
long f orsaken the o l d house o f their f athers fo r a newer

tri fl e ; and I was lef t to appropriate to mysel f what images
I could pick up to raise my fancy o r to soothe my vanity
, , .
I was the true descendant o f those old W s and not the ,
present f amily o f that name who had fl ed the ol d waste places , .
Mine was that gallery of good o l d family portraits which ,
as I have gone over giving them in fancy my o w n family

— —
,
name o n e and then another would seem to smile reach

, ,
ing forward f rom the canvas to recognise the new relation ,
ship ; while the rest looked grave as i t seemed at the , ,
vacancy i n their dwe ll ing and thoughts o f fl ed posterity , .
The Beauty with the cool blue p a toral drapery and a s
lamb —that hung next the great bay window—with the

,
bright yellow H shire hair and eye o f watchet hue

-
so l ik e my Alice —I am persuaded she was a true Elia

,
Mildred E lia I take it

o r her—
.
,
[ F rom her and f rom ,

my passion f f o r I first
learned love from a picture Bridget took the hint o f those -
pretty whimsical lines w hich thou mayst see if haply thou , ,
hast never seen them R eader in the margin ,

But my , .
Mildred grew not o l d like the 1 m agi n ar y H ele n ] ,
Mine t o o B LA KESMOOR w as t h y noble Marble Hall with

its mosaic pavements and its Twelve C aesars—stately busts
, , , ,
in marble —ranged round ; o f whose countenances you n g

,
reader o f faces as I was the f rowning beauty o f Nero I , ,
remember had most o f my wo nder but t h e mi l d Galba had

,
'
my love There they stood in t h e coldness o f death yet
.
,
freshness o f immortality
Mine too thy lo fty Justice Hall with its o n e chair o f
, , ,
authority hi gh b acked and wic k ered once the terror of

luckless poacher o r sel f forgetful maiden —
-
, ,
, se common since -
that bats hav e roosted in it .
— E 11
Here was ins e te d th e l ittl e poe m b y Mary Lamb cal l ed Hel en
.
r , .
LA ST ESSAY S or EL I A .
Mi ir c, whose else thy costly f ruit garden wi th

~
t oo , - -
-
,
i ts sun baked south ern wall ; the ampler pleasure garden

- ' -
rising backwards f rom the house in triple terraces with ,
fl o w e r pots now o f palest lead save that a speck here and

- -
t here saved f rom the elements b espake their pristine state

, ,
to have bee n gilt and glittering ; the v erdant quarters

“
b ac k w ar d e r still and stretching still beyond in o l d f o r , ,
m al i ty thy fi rr y wilderness t h e h au n t o f the squirrel and '
the day long m urmuring wood —

, , ,
p igeon with that antique ,
image in the centre Go d o r G oddess I wist not ; but child

'
,
of Athens o r o l d R ome paid neve r a sincerer worship t o

Pan o r to Sylvanus in their native groves than I t o that ,
fragmental mystery .
Was it fo r this th at I k issed m y childish hands too fer

'
ve nt l y in your idol w o r s h i
p wal k s and windi ngs
-
o f B LA KE S ,
1110011 ! fo r this o r what s i n o f mine has the plough passed

, ,
ov e r you r pleasant places I som e times think that as men ,
when they d i e d o n o t die all so o f thei r extinguished

habitations the r e may be a hope —a germ to be r e v i v ifi e d
, ,
P OORR EL ATI ONS .
P OO R RE LATI ON—is the most irr elevant thi n g in

n ature — a piece o f impertinent c o r r es p i
o rd e n c y
—a n
approxi mation —a haunting conscience, —

,
,
,
a prepos t
te r o s shado w le n
g
thening in the noo n tide o f o u r pros
—
u
-
an nwel come reme brancer a pe r etually r e
—
1 1t m
curri ng m e r ti fic at i o n a drain on your purse —
p e y ,
u p ,
a more l n
—
, ,
tol e rable dun your pride a drawback upon success

— —
,
—
,
rebuke to your sing stain in your blood a blot
— —
a 1i a , ,
n
o n y ou r s cutcheon
—
a rent in y our garme t a death s
’ ’
—
, ,
h ea d at b t A gathocles pot Mordecai in ’
—
n a
y o ur a q11 e _ , ,
y ou g te L azarus at our door a lion 111 your path

y
—
r a a -
—
, ,
a f r o g in your chamber a fl y i n your ointment a m ote i n

your eye — t iumph to you e n emy — ,
an apology to your
,
—
a r r ,
—
,
friends the o n e t hing no t n e e L the hail 1n h ar vest

,
d f u ,
the ounce o f s our in a pound o f s weet .

2 12 L A S T ESS A Y S O F E L I A
w hat he calleth — f avourable comparisons With a r e fl e c t .
ing sor t o f congratulation he will inquire the price o f your ,
f urniture : and insults you wi th a special commendation o f

your window curtai ns H e is o f Opinion that the urn i s
-
.
the more elegant shape ; but af ter all there w as something

more comfortable about the old tea k ettle —
, ,
which you must -
remember H e dare say y o u m u st find a great convenience

.
in having a carriage o f your own an d ap p e al e t h to your ,
lady i f it is not so I n qu i r e th i f you have had your arms done

.
o n vellum y et and did not know till lately that such and , ,
-
such had bee n the crest o f the family Hi s memory is u n se a .
s onable ; his compliments per verse his talk a trouble ; his

s tay pertinacious an d when he goeth a way
y o u dismiss ,
his chair into a corner as precipitately as possible and f e el ,
fairly rid o f two nuisances

—
.
There is a worse evil under th e sun and that is a ,
female Poor R elation Y o u may do something with the

.
other ; you may pass him o ff tolerably well but your

indigent she rel ativ e is hopeless
-
He is an o l d h u .
morist you may say and a ff ects to go threadbare Hi s

,
”
, .
circumstances are better than f olk s would tak e them to

be Y o u are f ond o f havin g a Character at your table an d
.
,
”
truly he is o n e But in the indications o f female poverty
.
there can be no disguise No woman dresses belo w hersel f .
f rom caprice The truth must o u t W ithout sh uffli ng

. Sh e .
is plainly relate d t o the L s o r what does she at their

’
house Sh e is i n all p robability your wi fe s cousin

’
N ine times o u t o f ten at least this is the cas e —

, , .
,
He r garb ,
is something bet w een a gentlewoman and a beggar yet the ,
f ormer evidently predominates Sh e is most provokingl y .
humble and ostentatiously sensible to her inferiority H e

may requ ire to be r e p i e s s e d sometimes—
.
,
a l i uand o su
q fi a mi
d t —but there is no raising her Y o u send her soup

at dinner and she begs to be helped—a f ter the gentlemen
na n u s er a .
.
,
Mr . requests the honour o f tak ing wine with he r ; she

hesitates between Por t and Madeira and chooses the f orm er
—becau s e he doe s Sh e calls the ser vant Sir ; and i nsist s
,
o n not troubling him to hold her plate The housekeeper .
p atronises her The children

. s governess takes upon h e r to’
P O O R RELA T I O N S 2 13
co r rect her when she has mistaken the piano

,
fo r a '
h arp si
R ichar d Amlet Es q in the play is a notable instance Of

,
.
, ,
the disadvantages to which this chimerical notion o f afi nity

co ns ti tu ti ng a c l ai m to ac ua in tan ce may subject the spirit O f
q ,
a gentleman A littl e foolish blood is all that is betwixt

.
him an d a lady with a great estate H i s stars are per .
p e t u al l
y crossed by the malignant maternity o f an Old
”
woman who persists i n c al l in g h i m her son D ick
,
But .
she has wherewithal in the end to recompense his indign i

ties and fl oat him again upon the brillian t surface under
, ,
which it had been her seeming business and pleasure all

along to sink him Al l men besides are no t o f D ick s .
,
, ,
’
te mperament I knew an Amlet in r eal life w h o wanting

.
, ,
D ick s buoyancy sank indeed

’
Poor W
, was Of m y .
Own standin g at Christ s a fine classic and a youth o f ’
, ,
promise I f he had a blemish it was t o o much pride but

.
,
its quality was inoff ensive ; it was not Of that sort which
hardens the heart and serves to keep inferiors at a distance ;
,
it only sought to ward Off derogation from itself It was the .
principle o f self respect carried as far as it cou ld go w ithout

-
infringing upon that respect which he would have every o n e ,
else equally m aint ain f o r himsel f He would have y ou to .
think alike with him on this topic Many a quarrel have .
I had with him when we were rather Older boys and o u r

, ,
tallness made us more Obnoxious t o Observation in the blue

clothes because I would not thread the al leys and blind
,
ways Of the town with him to elude notice when we have ,
been o u t together o n a holiday in the streets O f th i s sneer

ing and pry ing metropolis W went sore with these .
,
notions to Ox ford where the dignity and sweetness O f a

, ,
s chola r s li f e meeting with the all oy of a humble i n t r o d u c

’
tion w rought in him a passionate devotion to t h e place

, ,
with a profound aversion from the society Th e servitor s .

’
gown ( worse than his school array) clung to him with

N e s s i an venom H e thought himself ridicul ous in a garb
.
,
under which L atimer m ust have walked erect and in which

’
H ooker in h i s young days possibly fl au n te d in a v e i n o f n o

, ,
d isc ernm en dab l e vanity In th e de p th o f c ollege sh ade s

.
,
or in his lonely chamber the poor stu dent shrunk from
‘
,
Observation H e f ound shelter among books which insul t

.
,
no t and studies that as k no quest ions Of a youth s finances

,
’
-
H e was lord Of his library ; and seldom cared f o r looking
o u t beyond h i s domains The healing in fl uence o f studious .
pursuits was upon him to s oothe and to abstract H e was .
almost a healthy man when the waywardness Of his fate ,
broke o u t against him with asecond and worse malignity .
The father o f W had hitherto exercised the humble

p ro f ession O f house painter at N near O x f ord-
A ,
‘
supposed interest with some o f the heads Of colleges had

'
now induced him to take up his abode in that city with ,
the hope Of being employed upon s Om e public work s which

.
were talk ed o f F rom t hat moment I read in the c o u n t e

.
nanc e O f the young man the determinatio n which at length

tore him f rom ac adein i c al pursuits fo r ever TO a person
.
.
unacquainted with o u r universities the distance between

the gownsmen and the townsmen as they are called—the
,
trading part Of the latter especially —is carried to an excess

,
that would appear harsh an d incredible The te m perament .
of W s father was diametrically the reverse O f his o w n

’
.
Ol d W
"
was a little busy crin ging tradesman who , , , ,
with h i s son upon his arm would stan d bowing and ,

.
scraping cap in hand to anything that wore t h e sembl ance

O f a gown —
, ,
. insensible to the winks and Opener r emon

s t r anc e s O f the young m an to whose chamber f ellow o r ,
-
equal in standing perhaps he w a s thus obsequiously and , ,
gratuitously duck ing Suc h a state o f things c o ul d not .
last W
: must change the air O f O xf o rd or be su ff o ,
c at e d He chose the f ormer ; and let the sturdy moralist

.
,
who strains the point O f the filial duties as high as they c an

bear censure the de reliction ; he cannot estimate t h e
"
' '
stru ggle I stood w i t h W

.
.
t h e last af ternoon I ever
'
saw h i m under the eaves of his paternal dwelling It w as

,
.
i n the fi ne lane leading f rom the High Street to the back

Of college where W kept h i s rooms H e,
.
seemed thoughtf ul an d more reconciled l ventured to

rally him finding h i m in a bett er mood—
.
~
upon a r ép r e
scu tation O f t h e Artist E vangel i s t which the Ol d m an , ,
216 LA ST E SSA Y S ‘
OF EL I A
in spite Of an habitual general respect which we all in
comm on mani fested towards him would venture now and ,
then to stand up agains t him in some argument touching

their youthful days The houses Of the ancient city o f
.
"
Lincol n are divided ( as most O my readers k now) between .
the dwellers o n the hill and in the valley This m arked .
distinction formed an Obvious division between the boys who

lived above ( howe ver brought together in a common school )
an d the boys whose paternal residence was o n the plain
a suffi cient cause Of hostilit y in th o code O f these young

Gr o t i u ses My father had been a leading Mountain eer ;
.
and would still maintain the ge n eral superiority in skill and

hard i hood O f the Above B oys ( his own faction ) over the B el ow
B oys (so were they called ) O f which party his contemporary ,
had been a C hie ftain Many and hot were the skirmishes o n
this topic —the only one u pon which the Ol d gentleman was
.
—
ever brought o u t and bad blood bred ; even s ometimes
almost to the recommence m ent ( so I expected ) Of actual
hostilities But my f ather who scorned to insist upon
.
,
advantages generally contrived to turn the conversation

,
upo n some adroit b y commendation Of the Ol d Minster ; i n

-
the general pre ference Of which before all other cathedrals ,
i n the island the dweller on the hill and the plain born
, ,
-
could meet o n a conciliating level and lay down their l ess ,
import ant di ff erences O nce only I saw the Ol d gentleman

.
really r u fli e d and I remember with anguish the thought

,
that came over me : Perhaps he will never come here

again . H e had been pressed to tak e another p l at e o f the
”
viand which I have already mentioned as the in d ispensable

,
concomitant O f his visits H e had refused with a resistance.
amounting to rigour when my aunt an Ol d Li ncolnian but

, , ,
who had something O f this in common with my cousin ,
Bridget that she would sometimes press civility out Of

season —uttered the following memorable application
,
“
D O take another slice Mr Billet f or y o u do n o t get
,
, .
,
”
pudding every day The Old gentleman said nothing at
the time —but he t ook occasion in the course Of the even
.
ing when some argument had intervened between them t o

, ,
utter with an emp hasis whi ch chilled the company an d .

,
D E T A C HE D T H O U G HT S O N BO O KS 2 17
w hich chills me now as I write i t Woman you are ,

”
s uperann u ated 1 John Billet did n ot survive long a fter ,
th e digesting O f this a ffront ; but he survived long enough

to assure me that peace was actually restored and i f I r e
member aright another pu dding was discreetly subs tituted
,
in the place o f that which had occasioned the O ff ence He .
died at the Mint (anno 1 7 8 1 ) where he had long held what ,
b e accounted a com f ortab l e independence ; and with five

, ,
pounds fourteen shil lings and a penny which were f ound

, , ,
in his e s cr i t o i r af ter his decease lef t the world blessing , ,
G o d that he had enough to bury him and t hat he had never

been obliged to any man fo r a S ixpence This was —a Poor
,
R elation .
D E T AC HED T HO UGH TS ON B OOK S AND

R EAD I NG .
TO m in d th e i nsi de o f a b ook i s to enter ain o n e s s el f wi h th e fo rce d t ’

t
p rod u c t t
O f an o h e r m an s b rai n
’
N OW I hi n k a m an O f ual i y an d
. t q t
t
b ree d i ng m ay b e m u ch am u s e d wi h th e n a ur al sp rou s Of h i s own t t .
”
Lor d F op p i ngt on , i n Th e Relap se .
N ingeniou s acquaintance O f my o w n was so much

struck with this bright sally Of his L ordship that he ,
h as le ft O ff reading altogether to the great improvement Of ,
his originality At the haz ard Of losing some credit o n this

.
head I must conf e ss that I dedicate no inconsiderable por

,
ti on O f my time to other pe e ple s thoughts I dream away

’
.
my life in others speculations I love to lose myself in

’
.
other men s minds When I am not w alking I am read

’
.
,
ing I cannot sit and think Books thi nk fo r m e . .
I have no repug n ances Shaf tesbury is not t o o gente el

.
fo r me n o r Jonathan Wild t o o low

,
I can read anything .
which I call a book There are things in that shape which

I canno t allow f o r such
In this catalogue of boo ks whi ch ar e no books —bibl i a a bi bl ia
.
—
-
I reckon Court Calendar s D i r e cto r i e s Pocket Book s [ t h e , ,

2 18 LA ST E SSAY S OF EL I A
Literary excepted ], D rau ght Boards , bound and lette red o n
t h e b ac k , S cientific Treatises Almanacs S tatutes at L arge : , ,
the works O f Hume , G ibbon , R obertson Beattie Soamo , ,
J e n y n s , an d generally , all those volumes which no gentle

m an s library shou l d be without the H istories o f F lavius
’
Josephus ( that learned Jew ), and Pal ey s M oral Philosophy ’

.
l Vi t h these exceptions , I can read almost anything I bless .
my stars fo r a t aSt e so catholic s o unexcluding , .
I con fess that it moves my spleen to see these thi ngs

in books cl othi ng perched upon shelves li k e f alse saints
‘ ’
, ,
‘
usurpers O f true shrines intruders into the sanctuary , ,
th ru sting ou t the legitimate occupants To reach down a .
well bound semblance O f a volume and hope it some kind

-
,
”
hearted play book then opening what seem its leaves, ,
“
,
t o come bolt upon a w ithering Population E ssay To

expect a S teele o r a F arquhar and fi n d —Adam Smith
.
, .
TO vie w a well arranged assortment Of blockheaded E ncy

-
c l o p a d i as ( An glicanas o r Metropolitanas ) set o u t in an array

a
O f russia o r morocco when a tithe O f that good leather

'
, ,
would comfortably r e clothe my shivering f olios would -
renovate Paracelsus himsel f and enable Old R aymund ,

'
L ully t o look like himsel f again in t h e w o r l d I never see .
these impostors but I lon g to strip them to warm my

,
-
ragged veterans in their spoils .
-
"
l o be strong bac k ed an d n eat bound is the desiderat um
‘
- -
O f a volume Magn i fi c en c e comes after This w hen it

. .
,
can be aff o r ded i s not to be l avished u pon all kinds o f

,
books indiscriminately I would n o t dress a s e t Of maga .
z in e s f o r instance in f ull suit

, The dishabille or half
, .
,
binding ( with russia backs ever) is o ur costume A Shaks .

’
peare o r a Milton ( unless the first editions ) , it were mere

foppery t o trick out in gay apparel The possession Of
.
.
them con fers no distinction The exterior O f them ( the .
things themselves being so common) strange t o say rais es , ,
no sweet emotions no tic k ling sense Of property in the ,
owner Thomso n s S easons again looks best ( I m ai n tam

.
’
, ,
i t ) a little torn and dog s c ared H o w beautif ul to a

’
-
.
genuine lo ver O f reading are the sullied leav es and worn ,
o u t appearance nay the very Odou r ( beyond russia ) i f we

, ,
'
engr avi ngs , w hich di d
have a community of feeli ng with
. I
my countrymen about hi s Plays and I lik e those editions ,
—
o f him best which have been o f tenest tumbled about and
han dled On the contrary I cannot read Beaumont an d ,

'
F letcher but in F olio The O ctavo editions are p ai n fu l t o

.
look at I have no sympathy with them I f they were as

. .
m uch read as the current editions O f the other poet I ,
shou l d prefer t h em in that shape to the Older o n e I d o .
not know a more heartless sight than the reprint o f the

‘
Anatomy o f Melancholy What need was there Of unearth

.
ing the bones O f that f antastic O l d great man to expose them ,
in a winding sheet of the newest fashion to modern censu re

-
what hapless stationer could dream O f Burt on e ver b e

coming popular The w retched Malone could n o t do
-
worse when he bribed the sexton Of Stratford church to

,
let him whitewash the painted effi gy Of Old Sh ak s p e ar e ,
which stood there in rude b u t lively fashion depicted to

, ,
the very colour Of the cheek the eye the eyebrow hair
the very dress he used to wear—the only authentic testi
, , , ,
mony we had however imperfect Of these curious parts

, ,
and parcels o f him They covered him over with a coat o f

.
white paint By .i f I had been a justice o f peace fo r

War w ickshire I woul d have clapt both comment ator and
,
sexton f ast in the stocks f or a pair O f meddling sacrilegious

,
varlets
I think I see them at their w ork—
.
these sapient trouble

tombs .
S hall I be thought fantastic al i f I conf ess that the names

O f some o f o u r poets sound sweeter and have a finer relish
to the ear —to mine at least—than that Of Milto n o r O f

,
Sh ak s p e ar e ? It may be that the latter are more staled and

rung upon in common discourse The sweetest names and .
,
which carry a perf ume i n the mention are Kit Marlowe , , .
D rayton D rummond O f H awthornden and Cowley

, ,
.
Much depends upon when and wher e you read a book In .
the five o r six impatient minutes bef ore t h e dinner is quite ,
ready w h o would think O f takin g up t h e F airy Queen fo r

,
a s top gap o r a volume Of Bishop Andrewes se rm ons

-
,
’ 9
Milton almost requires a s o lemn service O f mu sic t o b e

D E T A C HE D T HO U G HT S O N B O O K S 22 1
pl ayed bef ore y o u enter upon h i m But he brings his mu s1c

"
.
,
to which who l istens had need bring docile thoughts and

, , ,
purged ears
— —
.
Winter evenings the world shut o u t with l es s o f cere

mony the gentle Sh ak sp e ar e enters At such a seas on t h e .
Tempest o r his o w n Winter s Tale ’
These two poets you cannot avoid reading aloud—to

,
yoursel f or ( as it chances) to some single person listening

More than on e —and it degenerates into an audience
, .
Books o f quic k interest that hurry o n f o r incidents are

, ,
f o r the eye t o glide over only It will not do to r e ad them .
out I could never listen to even the bett er k ind o f modern

.
novels without extreme irksomeness .
-
A newspaper read o u t is intolerable
,
In some Of the
,
.
Bank Ofii c e s it is the custom ( to save so much individual

—
time ) fo r o n e Of t h e clerks who is the best scholar
to commence u pon the Ti mes o r the Chr oni cl e and recite
its entire contents aloud p r o bono p ubli co With every , .
advantage O f lungs an d elocution the e ff ect is singularly ,
vapid In barbers shops and public houses a f ellow will

.
’
-
get up and spell out a paragraph which he communicates ,
as some discovery Another f ollows with h is selection

. .
SO th e entire journal transpires at length by piecemeal .
S eldom readers are slo w readers an d without this exp o

-
, ,
dient no o n e in the company would probably ever travel

,
through the c ontents O f a whole paper .
'
N ewspapers always excite curiosity NO o n e ever lays .
o n e down without a f eeling O f disappointment .
What an etern al time that gentleman in black at Nan d o s ,

’
,
keeps the paper I am sick O f hearing the waiter bawling

”
o u t incessantly The Chr oni cl e is in hand Si r
, ,
.
As i n these little di u rnals I generally skip the F oreign

[
N ews the D ebates and the Politics I fi n d the Mor ni ng
, ,
Her al d by f ar the most entertaining O f them It is an .
agreeabl e miscellany rather than a newspaper ] .
Coming into an inn at night havi ng ordered your

supper —what can be more delightful than to find lying in
th e window seat le f t there time o u t O f mind by the care
-
le s n ess o f s 1m e f ormer guest t w o or three numbers o i the

s -
2 22 LA ST E SSAY S O F EL I A ;
.
'
1 f
;
Old Town and Country Magazine w i t h i ts amusing tétel h ,
tete pictures ! The R oyal L over and L ady G

“
Th e
Melting Platonic and the Old Beau —and su c h like anti
n ge i t —
, ,
q u t e d scandal ? W ould you excha at that time an d
i n t hat place —
a
,
,
fo r a better boo k ?
Poor Tobin who l atte r ly f ell blind did not regret it so
,
much fo r the weightier k i n d s o f reading the Parad ise

,
—
L o st o r Comus he coul d have r ead to him —
r
, , bu t he missed ’
the pleasure Of skimming over with his own eye a maga b
z ine or a light am h l et
, p p
I should not care t o be caught i n the serious avenues of
some cathedral alone and reading Can di de 3 I , .
I do not remember a m ore whimsical surprise than having

b een once detected—b y a familiar damsel—recl i ned at my
e a se upon the grass o n Primrose H ill her Cythera read
( )
ing —P amel a There was nothing in the book to make a
,
. .
man seriously ashamed at the exposure ; but as she seated

hersel f down by m e and seemed determined to read i n "
company I could have wished it had been —

,
,
any other z
book ; We read o n v e r v sociably fo r a f e w pages ; an d ,
n o t finding the author m u ch to her taste she got up and , , ,
went away G entle casuist I leave it to thee to co nj e c

. 1 ,
ture w hether the blush (f o r there was one between us ) was

,
.
the property Of the nymph or the swain in this dile mm a .
F rom me you shall never get the secret

—
.
I am not much a riend to out doors reading I canno t

f O f -
.
settle my spi r its to it I kne w a U nitari an minister who .

,
was generally to be seen upon Snow H ill (as ye t Sk i n n e r s

”
’
<
Street was not) between the hours O f ten and eleven in the
,
morning studying a volume O f L ardner I o w n this to

, .
h ave bee n a strain O f a bstraction be y ond m y ur e ac h I used .
to admire how h e sidled along k eeping clear Of secular ’ '
, .
c ontacts A.n illiterate encoun t er wit h a porter s knot , o r .

’ ‘
a bread bask et w o u l d h av e quickly p u t t 0 : fl i gh t all t h e

'
'
.
, ,
theology I am master O f and have lef t m e worse than i n , . .
di ff erent to the fi v e points

—
, .
—
[ I was once amused there 1 s a pleasure in a ecti n
fi g a ti co
t at i o n at the indignation Of a crowd that was jostling i n
w i t h me at t h e p i t door o f Covent G ard en Theatre t o hav e

-
,
2 24 L A S T ESS A Y S O F EL I A
circumstan ce in his li fe did he e ver peruse a book w ith
hal f the satisfaction which he took in those uneasy snatches .
A quaint poetess o f our day has moralised upon this subjec t

1 n two very touching but homely stanzas
I s aw ab o y w i h eag e eye t r
O p en a b oo k u p on a s tal l ,
’
A n d read , as h e d d e vou r i t al l
Wh i ch , wh en th e s al l m an di d esp y,
t -
S oo n to th e b oy I h ear d h i m call ,
Y ou S i r, y o u n eve r b u y a b o o k ,
Th ere for e i n o n e you s h al l n o t l o ok .
Th e b oy p as s d s l o wl y on , an d wi h a si gh
’
t
v
H e wi s h d h e n e e r h ad b een augh to re ad ,
’
t t
Th e n o f t h e o l d ch url s bo ok s h e s h oul d h ave h ad
’
no need .
O f su ff eri ng s t h e p o o h ave m any , r

Wh i c h n e ver c an th e rich annoy
I soo n p er c e i ve d an o h er boy , t
Wh o l o ok d as i f h e h ad no t any
’
t
Foo d, for th a d ay at l east en oy —j
t
Th e s ig h o f co l d m eat m a avern l ard e t r .
t t
T hi s b o y s case , h e n h o u gh I , is surel y h arde r ,
’
t
t
T h u s h u n g ry , l o n gi n g, h u s wi h o u a p e n ny , t t
B e h ol di n g c h o i ce o f d ai n y dr essed m ea t -
t
r
No won de i f h e wi sh h e n e er h ad l ear n d to eat
’ ’
.
S TA G E I LLUSI ON .
P LAY is said to be well o r ill acted in pre portion to ,
the scenical illus i on produced Whether such illusion .
can in any case be perfect is not the question The nearest, .
approach to it we are told is when the actor appears

, ,
wholly unconscious of the presence of spectators In tr a

— —
.
g y
e d i n all which is to a ect the eelings this undivided
ff f
attention to h is stage business seems indispensable Ye t it .
is in fa ct dispensed with every day by o u r cleverest tr a

, ,
e d i an s ; and while these re f erences to an audience in t h e

g ,
s hape o f rant o r sentiment are n o t t o o f requent or palpable

, ,
a s u fli c i e n t quantity o f illusion fo r the purposes o f dramatic
intere s t may be s aid t o be prod uced in spite o f them B u t ,

ST A G E I LL U SI O N 225
t ragad y apart i t may be inquired w hether i n cer t ain cha

, ,
rac te rs in com edy especi al ly thos e which are a little extra

,
vagant o r which involve some notion repugnant t o the

,
moral s en s e it is not a proof o f the highest skill in the

'
1
co median wh e n without absol utely appealing to an audi

,
ence he keeps up a tacit understanding with them ; and

,
makes them unconsciously to themselves a party in the

, ,
s ce ne The utmost n icety is re quired in the mode o f doing

.
this ; but we speak only o f the great artists in the prof ession .
The mos t morti fying infirmity in human nature to f e e l ,
in ourselves o r to contemplate in another is perhaps

, , , ,
cowardice To see a coward done to the l ife upon a stage

.
would produce anything but mirth Ye t we most o f us .
remember Jack Ban nister s cowards Coul d anything be ’

.
more agreeable more pleasant ? W e loved t h e rogues

, .
H o w was this e ff ected but by the exquisite art o f the actor

in a perpetu al sub insinuation to us the spectators even in
-
, ,
the extremity o f the shak ing fit that he was n o t half such ,
a coward as we took him fo r ? We saw all the common

sym ptoms o f the malady u pon him ; the quiveri n g lip the ,
cowering knees the teeth chattering and could have

,
”
sworn that man was f rightened But we f orgot all the
—
“
Wh i le —o r kept it almost a secret to ourselves that he

.
never o nce lost his self possession that h e let o u t by a

—
-
thousand droll looks and gestures meant at as and n o t at ,
all supposed t o be visible to his fellows in the scene that ,
h i s confidence i n his o w n resources had never once deserted

him Was this a genuin e p i cture o f a coward ; o r n ot
.
rather a likeness which the clever artist contrived to palm

,
upon us instead o f an original while we secretly connived

at the delusion f o r the purp ose o f greater p l easure than a ,
more genuine counterfeiting o f the imbecility he l plessness , ,
an d utter sel f desertion which we know to be concomitants

-
o f cowardice in real li f e could have gi ven us ,
Wh y ar e misers so hateful in the world and so endurabl e ,
o n the stage but because the skilf ul actor by a sort o f sub

, ,
reference rather than direct appeal t o us disarms the

, ,
character o f a great deal o f its odiousness by seeming to ,
c om as si on fo r t h e i ns ec ur e te n u re by which h e
en
gage our p
2 26 L A ST E SSAY S O F EL I A
hol ds his money bags and parchments ? By thi s subtle
vent hal f o f the hate fulness o f the character—
-
th e sel f close -
ness with which in real li fe it coils itself up from the

sympathies o f men —evaporates Th e miser becomes sym .
pathetic ; i e i s no genuine miser Here again a div e rting

. .
, .
,
likeness is s u b s t it u t e d f o r a very disagreeable reality

—
.
S pleen irritability
,
the pitiable i n fi r m i t i e s of ol d men ,
which produce only pain to behold in the realities coun ,
t e r f e i t e d upon a s tage diver t not altogether fo r the com i c,
appendages to them but in part from an inner conv iction ,
that they are bei ng a cted before us ; that a likeness only is

goi ng o n and not the thing itsel f They please by being
,
.
d on e u n d e r the li f e or beside it ; not to the l ife

, , When ,
G attie acts an old man is he angry indeed ? or only a plea

‘
, ,
sant c o u n te 1f e i t just enough o f a li k eness to recognise

, ,
without pressing u p on u s the uneasy sense o f a reality ?

Comedians paradoxical as it may seem may be too
, ,
natural It was the case with a late actor N othing could

. .
be more earnest or true than the manner o f Mr Emery .
this told excellently 1 n his Tyke and characters o f a tragic ,
cast But when he carried the same rigid e x c l u s i v en e s s

.
o f attention to the stage business and wilf ul blindness and ,
Ob l i v i o n o f everythi n g be f ore the curtain into his comedy ,
i t produced a harsh and dissonant e ff ect H e w as o u t o f . .

-
ke eping with th e rest of the dr a matis p ers on ae There was .
as little link between him and them as betwixt himsel f

and t h e audience H e was a third e st at ef —
,
. dry repulsive ,
‘
, ,
and unsocial to all Individually conside1 ed his execution

.
,
was masterly But comedy I S not this unbending thing

.
fo r this reason that the same degree o f credibility is n o t

,
require d o f it as to serious scenes The degrees o f credi .
b il i ty demand ed to the t w o things may be illustrate d by

the different sort of tr uth which we expect when a man
tells us a mourn ful or a merry story I f we suspect th e .
,
f ormer of f alsehood i h any one tittle we reject i t alto , , ,
gether Ou r tears r e fu s e t o fl ow at a su s pected imposition

. .
B u t the teller o f a m ir th ful tale has lati tude allowed him ‘

.
We are content with less than absolute truth Tis t h e .

’
s ame with d ramatic il l usion We c onfess w e l ove i n, .

.
.
.
to an audience which is exacted o f it ; but that in som e case s
a sort o f compromise may take place and all the purposes ,
o f dramatic deli ght be attained by a judicious u n d e r
s tanding n o t to o openly announced betwee n the ladies and

—
, ,
gentlemen on both sides o f the curtain .
TO THE S HAD E OF ELL I STON .
OY OUSE ST o f once embodied spirits whither at len gth ,
hast thou fl own t o w hat genial region are we per
m i tt e d to conj ecture that thou hast fl i tt e d ?

Ar t thou sowing thy WI LD O A TS yet ( the harvest time w a s -
still to come with thee) upon casual sands o f Avernus ? o r

art thou enacting ROV ER ( as we would gladli er think ) by
wandering E lysian streams ?
This mortal frame w hile thou didst play thy brief antics
,
amongst us was in truth anything but a prison to thee as

, ,
the vain Platonis t dreams o f this body to be no better than

a county gaol f orsooth o r some house o f durance vile
, , ,
whereof the five senses are the fetters Thou kn ewest

'
'
.
better than to be in a hurry t o c as t o ff these gyves ; and

had notice to quit I fear before thou wert quite ready to
, ,
abandon this fl eshy tenement It was thy Pleasure H ouse.

-
thy Palace o f D ainty D evices : thy L ouvre o r thy White ,
Hall .
What new mysterious lodgings dost thou tenant n ow ?

or when may we expect thy a erial house warming ? -
Tartarus we know and we have read o f the Blessed

,
Shades ; n o w cannot I intelligibly fancy thee in either .
Is it too much t o hazard a conjecture t hat ( as the school ,
men admitted a receptacle apart f o r Patriarchs and u n

chrisom babes ) there may exist—n o t far perchance from
that store house o f all vanities which Milton saw in vi s ion s
—
-
, ,
a L I MB O somewhere f o r PL A Y ERS ? and that

t t
U p h i h er lik e aerial vap ours fl y
t t
B ot h al l S age hi n gs, an d al l th at i n S tage th i ngs
t
B uil t h e i r fo nd h opes of g l o ry , or lasti ng fame
TO T HE SHA D E O F E LL I ST O N 22 9
Al l th e u nacc om p l ish ed work s o f Au h o rs h an d s , t ’
t
Ab o r ti ve , m on s r ous , or u nki n dl y m i ed , x
D am n d u p o n ear h , e e h i h e r
’
t fl tt t
Pl ay, Op era, Farc e , wi h al l h ei r rum p ery t t t .
There ,
by the neighbouring moon ( by s ome not i m p ro
perly supposed thy R egen t Planet upon eart h) mayst thou ,
not still be acting thy m anagerial pranks great disembodied ,
Lessee ? but L essee stil l and still a manager , .
In G reen R ooms impervious to mortal eye the mu s e

, ,
beholds thee wielding posthumous empire .
Thin ghosts o f F igurantes (never plump o n earth) circle

thee in endlessly and still their song is Fie on s i nf ul Phantasy J
,
Magnificent were thy capriccios o n t his globe o f earth ,
ROB ERT WI LLIA M ELLI STON ! for as yet we kno w not thy new
name in heaven .
It irks me to think that stript o f thy regalities thou , , ,
shouldst f erry over a poor forked shade in crazy Stygian

, ,
W herry . Methink s I hear the o l d boatman paddling by ,
the weedy w harf with raucid voice bawling ScULLs

, , ,
SCULLS to which with waving hand and m ajestic action

, , ,
thou d i gn e s t no reply other than in two curt mono

e ,
syllables N o : Oars, .
But t h e laws o f Pluto s kingdom know small di ff erence ’
between kin g and cobbler ; manager and call boy ; and i f -
haply your dates o f lif e were conterminant you are quietly ,
taking your passage cheek by cheek (O ignoble leve l ling ,
o f D eath with the shade o f some recently departed candle

)
s n u ff er
.
But mercy ! what strippings what tearing o ff o f his ,
t r i o n i c robes an d private vanities ! what d enudations to

,
the bone before the surl y F erryman will admit y ou to set

,
a f oot with in his battered lighter .
Crowns sceptres ; shield sword and truncheon ; thy

, , ,
o wn coronation robes (fo r thou hast brought the whole

property man s wardrobe with thee enough to sink a navy) ;
-
’
—
the judge s e r m m e the coxcomb s wig the snu ff box a l a
’ ’
Fopp i ngton all must overboard he positi vely swears—

-
an d ,
that Ancien t Mariner brooks no denial ; fo r since t h e ,
ti resome m onodrame o f the o l d Thracian H arp er Charo n , ,

‘
LA ST E SSAY S OF -
EL I A H
it is to be believed hath sh own smal l taste , fo r thea

t r i c al s .
Ay , now
’
tis done . You are just boa t weigh t ; -
p ar a e t
a ta a n i ma
p .
—
i
me how: l ittl e y o u l ook !

B u tg b l e s s ,
So s h al l we all look kings and k e y s ar s stripped f o r the

‘ -
last voyage .
But the mu r ky r ogue pushes o fi Adie up l e as ant an c1 '

.
,
thri ce pleasant shade ! with my par ting thanks fo r many a

heavy hour o f lif e lig h tened by thy har mless extravaganzas ,
public or domestic .
Rhadamanthus who tries the ligh ter caus es below leav i n g

to his two brethren the heavy calendars
,
honest Rhada — ,
manth always p artial to pl ayers weighing their parti

, ,
coloured existence here upon earth mak ing account o f ,

-
the f e w foibles that may have shaded thy r eal l ife as we

, ,
call it ( though substantially scarcely l ess a vapour than

, , ,
thy idlest vagaries upon the b oards o f the D rury ) as but

o f so many echoes natural r e —
,
,
e r c u s s i o n s a n d results to b e
p , , .
expected fr om the assumed extravagancies of thy s eco ndar y

or mock l ife nightly upon a sta ge —aft er a len ient casti
,
g a t i o n with rods lighter than o f those M e d u s e an ringlets ,

”
but just enough to whip the o ff ending A dam o u t o f thee
shall co urteously dismiss thee at the right hand gate—t h e
,
0 r side o f H ades
. . that conducts to masque s and m e rry —
makings in the Theatre R oyal o f Proserpine .
PLAUDI TO ET V ALETO , .
ELLI STONI ANA .
acquaintance wi th the pleasant creature who se l e ss

Y ,
we all deplore was but sl ight , .
My firs t introduction to E which af te rwards ripened

int o an acquaintance a little o n this side o f intimacy w as ,
o ver a counter in the L eamington Sp a L ibrary then newly ,
entered upo n by a branc h o f h i s family E whom nothing .

‘
.
,
sate o r s tood still there was the theatre He carrie d a b out
, , .
wi th h i m his pit boxes and galleries and set up his port

, , ,
able play house at corn ers o f streets and in t h e market

-
p l aces U
. po n fl i n ti e s t pavements he t rod the boards still ;
and i f h i s theme chanced t o be passionate the green bai ze ,
c arpet o f tragedy spon t aneousl y rose beneath hi s feet .
No w t his was hearty and showed a love fo r his art, So .
Apelle s a l ways pai nted in thought So G D a l ways . . .
poeti ses I hate a lukewarm artist I have kn own actors

— a n d some o f them o f E llisto n s own stamp —
. .
w h o shall
’
have agreeably been amus i ng y o u in the part o f a rake o r a

coxcomb through the two or three hours o f their dramatic
,
existence but no sooner does the curtain f all with i ts

leaden clat ter but a spirit o f lead seems to seize o n all their
,
faculties They emerge sour morose persons intolerable to

.
, ,
their f amilies servants &c Another shall have been e x

, , .
panding your heart with generous deeds and sentiments ,
till it even beats with yearnings o f universal sympathy ;

you absolutely lon g to go home and do some good action .
The pl ay seems tedious till y o u can get f airly o u t o f the

,
house and realise your laudable int entions At length the

,
.
final bell rin gs and this cordial representative o f al l that is

amiable in human breasts steps forth —a miser E ll iston was
,
'
.
more o f a piece D i d he p l ay R anger and did Ranger fill the

.
?
general bosom o f the town with satisfaction why should

he not be R anger and di ffuse the same cordial satisf action
,
among his private circles with his temperamen t hi s animal ,
spi r its hi s g ood nature hi s follies perchance could he do

, , ,
better than identify himself with his impersonation ? Ar e

we t o lik e a pleasant rak e or coxcomb o n the stage and , , ,
give ourselves airs o f aversion fo r the identical ch aracte r ,
pre sented to us in actual life o r what would the performer

have gained by divesting himself o f the impersonation
Could the man E lliston have been essential l y diff erent f rom
his part even i f he h ad avoided to re fl ect to us studiously
, ,
‘
in private circles the airy brisk ness the f orwardness the

, , ,
’
scape goat trick eries o f the prototype ?
-
“
But there i s somethi ng not natural in this eve 1 lasti n g
acti ng we want the r eal man
,
.
’
E LLI ST O N I AN A 23 3
Ar e y o u quite sure that it is n o t the man h imself whom ,
you cannot o r will not see under some adventitious trap

, ,
pings which n ev e r th e l e ss i sit not at all inconsistently upon

, ,
him ? What i f it is the nature o f some men t o be highly

artifi cial ? The fault is least reprehensible in p layer s ‘
Cibber w as h i s o w n F oppingt on with almost as much wit ,
as Vanbrugh could add to it .
My conceit o f his p erson i t is Ben Jonson speaking ,

-
of L ord Bacon was never increased t owards him by h i s

,
p lace o r h onour s But I have . and do reverence h i m f or t h e

,
r eatness that was only proper to himsel f ; i n that he seemed

g ,
to me ever o n e o f the gr eatest men that had been i h m any ,

'
ages In his adversity I ever prayed that H eaven would

.
”
g ive him strength ; f o r gr e a tn es s he could not wan t .
The quality here commended was scarcely les s c o n s p i

cu o u s in the subj ect o f thes e idle reminiscences than in my
Lord Verula m Those who have i magi n e d t h at an u n e x

.
'
e c t e d elevation to the direction o f a great L ondon Theatre

p
a ff ected the consequence o f E lliston o r at all changed his ,
natu re knew n o t the e s s eh t i al gr eatness o f th e m an whom

,
.
they disparage It was m y f ortune to encounter him near

.
S t D u n s t an s Church (which with i t s punctual giants is

’
.
, ,
now no more than dust and a shadow ) o n the morning o f ,
his election t o that high bffi ce G rasping m y hand with a .

‘
look o f significance he only uttered ,

H ave you heard the ,
n ews ? then with another look f ollowin g up the blow

, .
he subjoined I am the future m anager o f D rury Lane

“
Th eat 1 e —
,
.Breathless as he saw me he stayed not fo r con

”
,
'
gratulation o r reply but mutely stalked away leaving me

, ,
to chew upon his new b l o wn dignities at leisure I n f act

'
-
.
,
nét h i n g could be said to it Ex pressive silence alone could

.
'
muse his praise Th i s w as in his gr ea t style
. .
But was b e less gr eat ( h e wit nes s O ye powers of E qua ,
n i m it
y tha
, t supported in the ruins o f Carthage the consular
‘
exile and more recently transmuted fo r a more illustrious

, ,
exile the barren constableship o f E lba into an image o f

,
I mperial F rance ) when , in melancholy aft er years aga i n

,
-
, ,
mu ch nearer the same s p bt I met him when that scep tr e , , ,
had been w r ested from h i s hand an d h is domin ion w as ,

‘
'
2 3; LA ST E SSAY S ‘
OF E LIA
curtail ed to the pe t ty managersh ip and part proprietorship
.
, ,
o f the small Olympic hi s E lba s till played n i ghtly '

,
upon the b oards o f D rury but in parts al as ! allotted to

'
, ,
h i m n o t m agn i fi c e n t l y d istributed by him

, ’
Waiving his -
. .
great l oss as nothing and m agni ficently sinking the sense

.
,
.
o f fal l e n m a te r i a l grandeur i n the more liberal resentm ent

“
i -
o f depreciat ions done to his more lo fty i nt e l l ectu a l r t n

p e e
sions Have y o u heard ( his customary exordium )

,
”
u heard said he how they treat me ? they put me i
Thought I —
y o , n , , .
”
comedy but his finger o n his lips f orbade any
:
.
verbal interruption where could they have put you .
better ? Then e fter a pause” Where I formerly played ,
Romeo “ I n o w play Mercutio and so again he stalked ,

’
-
away neither s taying n o r caring f o r r esponses ‘
— th e best
.
, , ,
0 it was a rich scene but Si r A O

o f story — t e l l e i s an d surgeons who mends a la m
, , , ,
e narrative , .
almost as well as he sets a f racture alone could do justice

to; i t —that I was a witness t o i n the tarnished room (that
,
, , ,
‘
had once been gr een ) o f that same little Olympic There ,

,
after his d eposi tion from Imperial D rury h e substituted a ,
thro ne That O lympic H i ll w as hi s highe st

:
“
hi msel f J o v e in hi s chair ”
There h e sat i n state while
—
. .
,
be fore him o n complaint o f prompter was brought f o r

judgment—h o w s h al l I d escribe her
, ,
on e o f those little
tawdry things that fl irt at the t ails o f choruses—a proba
i
:
t i o n e r f o r the town in either o f n —

its se se s the pertest ,
l ittl e d l ab a dirty f 1 inge and appendage o f the lamp s

’
-
smoke w h o i t seems o n some disapprobation expressed by

—
-
, , ,
.
a f
‘
highly re s pectable audience had precipitately quitted
her s tat i o n on the boards and with drawn her small talents
u ,
i n d isg ust
—
.
An d how dare y o u said her manager as s u m1 n g a , ,

,
c ensorial severity which wo uld have crushed the c o nfi ,
d e n ce o f a Ne s t r i s and disarmed that beautif ul R ebel her

—
.
.
,
s e l f of her p ro f essi onal caprices

., I verily believe he , ,
thought her standin g befo re h im h o w dare y o u Ma dam

.
, , , .
with draw y oursel f with ou t a not i ce from y ou 1 th e at ri gal , , ,
duti e s ” I was h is se d Si r
. An d y o u have the pre , .
”
s um p tio n to de c i de wp o s the tas t e Of t h e town

. , ti l . v .
.
'
23 6 L A S T E SSAY S o r EL I A f
"
ba ck to t h ylatest exercis e o f i m agi nati o n t o the da y s
'
when u ndr eaming o f Theatres and Managerships thou

, ,
wert a scholar an d an early ripe one under the roof s

, ,
builded by the m u n i fi c e n t and pious Colet F or thee the .
Pauline Muses weep In elegies that shall silen ce thi s .

,
cr ude prose they shall celebrate thy praise

,
.
I
4
11
w
THE O LD M AR GATE HOY .
AM fond passing my vacations ( I bel i eve I have said

of
so before ) at o n e or ot her o f the Universities N ext to ,

.
these my choice would fix me at some Woody spot such as the ,
neighbourhood o f Henley affords {in abundance o n the banks ,
o f my beloved Thames But somehow o r other my cousin

.
contrives to wheedl e me once in three or four seasons to a , ,
watering place O l d attachments cling to her in spite o f

-
.
experience We have been dull at Worthing o n e sum

. .
mer duller at Brighton another dullest at Eas tb ou rn a

, ,
third and ar e at this moment doing dreary penance at

Hastings —and all because we were happy many years ago
,
fo r a brie f week at Margate That was o u r first sea side

. . .
-
experiment and many ci r cu m s tan ce s c o mb i n e d to make it

, y
the most agreeable holiday o f my life We had neither o f .
us seen the sea and we had never been from home so lo ng

,
t o g e t h e 1 in company .
Can I f orget thee thou o l d Margate B o y with thy , ,
weather beaten sun burnt captain and his rough aecom

m o dat i o n s —ill exchanged f or the f oppery and f resh wate r
- -
, ,
n iceness o f th e modern steam packet ? To the winds an d -
waves thou c om m i tt e d s t thy goodly f reightage and di dst ,
ask no aid o f magic f umes and spel l s and boil in g cauldrons , , .
With the gales o f heaven thou wentest swimmingly ; o r ,
when it was their pleasure stoodest stil l with sailor like ,

-
'
patience Thy course was natural not f orced as in a h o t

.
, ,
bed nor di d st thou go poisoning the breath o f ocean with

s ulphu r e o u s smo k e — a g reat s e a c hi m e ra chimneying an d ., ,
T HE O LD M AR G A T E HO Y 23 7
fu r nacin g th e d ee p ; liker to th at fi re go d parching

‘
or u
p
-
S cam ander .
Can I forget thy honest yet slender crew wi th their c oy , ,
reluctant responses (y e t to the suppression o f anything like

contempt to the raw questio which we o f the great city
) n s
,
would be ever and anon putting to them as to the uses o f ,
this or that strange naval implement ?

Specially can I
’
f orget thee thou happy medium thou shade o f refuge

, ,
be tween us and them conciliating interpreter o f their skill ,
to our simplicity comfortable ambassador between sea and

land l—whose sailor trousers did not more convincingly
,
assure thee to be an adopted deniz en o f the former than ,
thy whi te cap and whiter apron over them with thy neat
, ,
fi n g e r e d practic e i n thy culinary vocation bespoke th ee to

have been o f inland nurture hereto fore—
,
a master cook o f
'
Eastcheap 9 Ho w busily didst thou ply thy multi fariou s
.
occupation cook marine l attendant C hamberlain here

, , , , ,
there like another Ariel fl amin g at once about all parts o f

—
, ,
the deck yet with kindlier ministrations n o t to ass ist the

,
tempest but as i f t ou ched with a kindred sense o f o u r

, ,
'
i n fi r m i t i e s to soothe the qualms which that untried motio n
,
might haply raise in o u r crude land fancies An d when -
the o er w as h i n g billows drove us below deck (fo r it was far

’
gone in October an d we had stiff and blowing weather)

, ,
how did thy o ffic i o u s m i n i s t e r i n gs sti ll caterin g fo r o u r ,
c om f ort ,
with cards and cordials and thy more cordial
, ,
conversat ion al lev iate the closeness and the confinement o f

,
thy else ( truth to say ) not very savour y n o r very invitin g , ,
little cabin !
With these additaments to boot we had o n board a ,
fellow passenger w hose discourse in v erity might h ave

-
b eguiled a lon ger voyage than we meditated an d have ,
made mirth and wonder abound as far as the Az ores H e .
was a dark Spanish complexioned young man remarkably

,
-
'
,
handsom e with an o ffic er like assurance and an i n su p p r e s

,
-
,
‘
sible vol ubility o f assertion H e was i n fac t the greatest .

,
'
li ar I h ad met with then o r since He was n one o f your ,

.
h esitati n g hal f story te l lers ( a most pain ful description o f

,
-
p orta l s ) who g o o n soun d ing your be lie f and'

only givi n
g ,
23 8 LA ST: E SSAY S O F EL I A '
—
,
m uc h as they see y o u ca n s w allow at a tim e the

nibbling pickpock ets of your patience —
o u as :
y
.
,
b u t o n e who c o m
depredations upon h i s neigh
b ou r s faith
’
H e did not st and shi ve ring upon the brink
. .
-
but was a he arty thorou gh p aced liar and p l u n g e d at once

, , .
,
i nto the de pths o f y o u r c redulity . . _

;
made p retty sure o f h i s company No t m an y r i c h , n ot . ; :
many w i se or learned compose d at that time the common

, , .
stowage o f a Margate pac k et We were I am afr aid p a se t .

,
o f as u n seasoned L ondoners (let o u r enemies give it a wors e
name ) as Aldermanbury o r l Vatl i n g S treet at that time o f ,

'
,
day could have suppl i ed Th ere might be an exception or .
t w o among us but I scorn to ma ke any invidious distino

, ,
tions among such a jol l y co mpanionab le s hip s compan y ,

’
.
as those were whom I sai l ed with Something t o o mus t .
be conceded to the Geni us f Loci Had the confident fellow .
told 11s hal f the legen ds on land which he f avoured us with

o n the other element I fl atter my sel f the good sen s e o f most
,
o f u s w o u l d have revolted But we were in a new world .

, ,
‘
w i th e v e r y thi n g un f amili ar about us and t h e tim e and

l , , .
p l ace dispose d u s to the reception o f any prodigious marvel

whatsoever Time has obliterated from my memory much
.
’
o f his wil d f abling s ; and the rest would appear but d u ll ,
as written and to be read o n shore He had been A ide de

,
.
camp (am o ng other rare accidents and f o rtunes ) to a Per

sian Prince an d ; at o n e blow had str ick en o ff the head o f
,
the King o f Cal i m an i a on h 01 s eb ac k H e o f cours e; marr ied ‘
.
,
'
the Prince s daughter I fo l get w hat unlucky tur n in t he

’
.
politics o f that court combining with the loss o f his co n ,
so l t was the reason o f his quitting Persi a ; but with the

, ,
rapidity o f a m agician he transported himsel f along with

"
, ,
his hearers back to Eng land where we still found him i n

, ,
the confi dence o f g 1 eat ladles There was some st ory of a "
princess—E lizabeth i f I [ remember—having intrusted t o,
his ca1 e an extraordinary casket o f j ewel s upon some ex

—
,
occasion b u t as I am not ce r tain o f the name

'
di
t r am n a y r ,
o r c i l c u ms t an c e at this distance o f time I must leave i t to ,
th e R o yal daughters o f England to settle the honour among

them s elves 1 11 private 1 I can not call t o min d half f lu e .
24 0 LA ST E SSAY S O F E L I A
laid in ; pro vision fo r the o n e o r two days and nights to ,
which these vessels then were o ftentimes obliged to prolong

their voyage Upon a nearer acquaintance with him
.
,
which he seemed neither t o court n o r decl ine we learned ,
that he was going t o Margate with the hope o f being ad ,
m i t t e d into the Infirmary there f o r sea bathin g Hi s -

.
disease w as a scro fula which appeared to have eaten all ,
o ver h im He expre s sed great h e p e s o f a cure ; and when

.
we asked him whether he had any f riends where h e was .
going he replied he had no f riends

, ,
.
”
These pleasant and some m ourn f ul passages with the

, ,
first sight o f the sea c c operating with youth and a sense

,
-
o f holidays and o u t o f door adventure to me that had be en
pent up in populous ci t ies f o r many months before —have

- -
, ,
lef t upon my mind the f ragrance as o f summer days gone

b y bequeathing nothing but their remembrance fo r col d
,
and w i n t r y h o u r s to chew upon .
Will it be thought a digression ( it may spare some u n

w elcome comparisons ) i f I endeavour to account f o r the
d i ssati sf acti on which I have heard so many persons con fess
to have f el t ( as I did mysel f feel in part o n this occasion ) ,
a t th e s i ht o
g f th e s ea
f o r th e
fir s t ti me I think the reason
usually given—re ferring to the incapacity o f ac tual objects
fo r satisfying o u r preconceptions o f them—scarcely goes
deep enough into t h e question L e t the same person s ee a .
lion an elephant a mountain fo r the first time in his life

, , ,
and he shall perhaps f eel himsel f a little mortified The .
things do not fill up that space which the idea o f them

seemed to take up in his mind But they have still a c o r .
respondency to h i s first notion and in time grow up to it , ,
so as to produce a very similar impression : enl arging

themselves ( if I may say so ) upon famil iarity But the sea
remains a disappointmen t —Is it not that in the l atter we
.
had expected to behold ( absurdl y I gr ant but I am afraid , , , ,
by the law o f imagination unavoidably ) not a definite

. ,
.
object as t h o s e wild beasts o r that mountain compassable

, ,
by the eye but al l the sea at on ce T HE COMMEN SURA TE AN TA

, ,
G ONI ST or THE E A RT H ? I do not say we tell ou rselves s o ,

'
much but the craving o f the min d is t o b e sat i sfied w ith

,
T HE O LD M AR G A T E HO Y 24 1
n othing less I wil l s uppo s e t h e case o f a young person of

.
fi ft een ( as I then was) k nowing nothing o f the sea b u t

H e comes to it f o r the first time—al l
,
f rom description .
that he has been readi ng o f it all his li f e and th a t the most

e nthusiastic par t o f li f e —all he has gathered f rom narra
,
,
t i v e s o f wandering seamen what he has gained from true

,
-
voyages and what he cherishes as credulously f rom romance

and poetry —
,
crowd i ng their images and exacting strange

tributes from expectation —
, ,
f H e thinks o f the great deep

.
,
and o f those who go down unto it ; o f its thousand isles ,
and o f the vast continents it washes ; o f its receiving the

mighty Plata o r Orellana into i ts bosom without d is
, , ,
t u r b an c e or sense o f augmentation ; o f Biscay swells an d

, ,
t h e mariner
For m any a d y an d man y a d r ead ful nigh t

a , ,
I n c essant l ab ourin g ro u nd th e torm y C p e ; s a
o f fatal rocks an d the , st ill vexed B er m o o t h e s ; o f great

-
whirlpools and the water spout ; o f sunken ships and

,
-
sumless treasures swallowed up in the u n r e s t o r i n g depths ;

o f fishes and quain t monsters to which all that is terribl e ,
o n earth
B e b u t as b ggs to f i gh ten bab e s wi th al

u r ,
Co mp are d with th e cre tu re s m th e s ea s e ntr l ;

’
a a
o f nak ed savages and Juan F ernande z ; o f pearls an d

, ,
shells ; o f coral beds and o f enchanted isles ; o f mermaids

,
’
grots
I do not asser t that in sober earnest he expects to be
'
shown all these wonders at once but h e is under the ,
tyranny o f a mighty faculty which haunts him with co n ,
fused hints and shadows o f all these ; an d w hen the actua l

object op ens first upon him seen ( in tame weather t o o
most likely) f rom o u r unromantic coast s—a spec k a slip o f
, , ,
sea water as it shows to him—

,
what can it prove but a very

‘
u ns at i s f m g and even diminutive entertainment ? O r if

y
he has come to it from the mouth o f a river was it much ,
more than the river widen ing ? and even o u t o f sight o f ,
land what had he b u t a fl at watery horiz on about him

, ,
n othing compar abl e to the vast o e r c ur tai ni ng s ky

’
h is -
,
242 LA ST E SSAY S O F
familiai object seen d a i ly without dread o r amaz emen t
,
i n similar circu msta n ces has not h een tempte d , s to

a
e xclaim with C h aroba l n the oem f G ebir

p o 1 , , .
y I s th i s h e m l gl t t i
o ce an 18 th is al l i?
, I love; town o r country ; but this detestable Cinque Por t ,
i s n either
_
I hate these scrubbed
. .
ou t
their starved f oliage f rom b etwe en the horrid fissures o f . .
dusty innutritiou s ro cks ; which the amateur calls ve rdure ‘
”
to the edge o f the sea I 1 e qu i r e wood s and they show
. .
,
me stunted coppi ces I cry o u t fo r the water broo k s and .

-
pant f o r fr e s h streams and inland murmurs I cannot

u , .
~
stand all d ay o n th e naked beach w atching the capricious

. :
,
hues o f the sea shif ti ng like the c olours o f a dyin g mullet

, .
I am tired of l ooking o u t at th e windows o f this island .
w
.
p 1 ison I .ould f ain retire into the inter ior o f my cage .
While I gaze upon the sea I want to be o n it over , ,
it I t binds me i n with chains as o f iron My

. , .
are ab road I should not so fe el 1n St afi m de h ire

’
is no ho m
.
e fo r me h ere There is n o se nse o f h ome at . .
Hastings It 1 s a pl ace o f fugitive resort an heterogen eo us

.
,
assemblage o f sea mews and sto ck brokers Am ph i t r i t e s o f - -
the town and m i Ss e s that coquet with the Ocean I f it

, .
were what it was i n its p rimitive shape an d what it ought

'
t o have re maine d a fair honest fi s h i n g t o wn an d h o mb re

—
-
.
, , , ,
e r e somethi ng with a f straggling

'
fi h
’
it w,
e w s e r m en s h u ts
i
scattered about artless as its cliffs and with their m aterial s

, ,
fi l c h e d f rom th em it w ere Som ething I could abide to ‘

“
.
,
'
dwell w ith Meshech ; to as sort with fi s h e r an d ,
smugglers Th er e ar e ; o r I dream there are m an y o f this

.
'
, v
latt er occupation h ere Their f aces become the plac e I ; s
l ike a smuggl e r H e is the H e a pb i

n othing but the revenue —
.
.
an ab s t r ac t i o n I n e v e r greatly
' ‘
cared about I could go o u t with t h e m ; i n t h e i r 1n ac k e r el

.
.
«
, ,
-
boats o r about their l e ss ostensible b u s i n e s s ; Wi t h some

“
' . :
, .
sati sfaction I can even ; tolerate those poor vic tims t o

'
. .
,
monotony who f r om day to day pace along the beach in

, ,
e ndle ss prog 1 e ss and r ec u r 1 e n c e t o watch ! their i llici t

— —
,
co untryme n t own sf ol k or brethren

4 pe l chance wh istlin g ,
‘
2 44 LA ST E SSAY S o r EL I A
sympathy between t hem to return the visit and come u p
to see —
, , ,
L ondon I must imagi ne them with their fis h i n g

.
tackle o n th eir back as w e carry o u r town necessaries

, .
What a sensation would it cause in Lothbury ! What .
vehement l aughter would it not excite among

Th e d au gh te rs of Ch eap si d e an d Wive s of Lo mb ard street !
,
-
I amsure that n o town bred o r inland born subjects c an - -
feel their tr u e and natural nourishment at these sea places -
N ature w here she does not mean us fo r mariners and vaga

,
bonds bids us stay a t home Th e salt f oam seems to

,
.
nourish a S pleen I am not half so good natured as by the

.
-
milder waters o f my natural river I would exchange

these sea—
.
gu l ls fo r swans and scud a swallow fo r ever about

,
the banks o f Thamesis .
THE C ONVALESCENT .
P RETTY severe fit o f indisposition which under th e

A
,
name o f a nervous fever has made a prisoner o f me ,
fo r some w eeks pas t and is b u t slowly leaving me h as

, ,
.
reduced me to an incapacity o f re flecting upon any t e pic

foreig n to itsel f E xpect no healthy conclusions f rom me ,
this month reader ; I can o ff er you only sick men s dreams

,
’
.
A n d truly the whole state o f s ickness is such ; fo r wh at

else i s it b ut a magnificent dream f o r a man to lie a bed -
and draw dayligh t curtains about him ; and shutting o u t ,
the sun to induce a total obl ivion o f all the works which
,
are going o n under it ? To become insensi ble to all the

operation s o f life except the beatings o f o n e feeble pulse ?
,
I f there h e a regal solitude it is a sick b e d H o w the , .
patient lords it there ; what caprices he acts without

control l how king like h e s ways his pil low—tumbling
'
and tossing and shi ftin g an d l owering and thumping

, , , ,
and flat ti n g and moulding it to th e ever varying r eq uisi

, ,
- ~
tion s o f his th robbin g temples .

T HE C O N VALE SC EN T 24 5
He han ges s ides often er than a politician N ow h e lies

c .
fu ll length then half length obli q uely tran sversely head

, , , ,
an d f eet quite across the bed ; and none accuses him o f
tergiversation Within the f our curtains he is absolute

. .
They are his Mare Cl aus y m (

.
H o w si ck n es s enl arges the dimensions o f a man s self to

’
'
himsel f I he is h i s o w n e x cl u s w e o bj e c t S u prem e s e l fi s h
'
.
l
ness is inculcate d upon him as his only d u ty Tis the Two .

’
Tables o f the L aw to him He has not hing to thin k o f but

. . ,
how to get well ; What passes o u t o f doors o r within ,
them so he hear not the jarring o f them a ff ects him not

, ,
.
A little whil e ago he was greatly concerned in the event ,
o f a lawsuit which w as t o be the m aking o r the marring o f

, ,
.
his dearest f riend He was to be seen trudging about upon .
this man s errand to fifty quarters o f the town at once

’
,
joggin g this witness refreshing that solicitor The cause , .
was to com e on yest erday H e is absolutely as indi ff erent .
to the decision as if it were a question to be tried at Pekin .
Pe r ad v en t u r e fro m som e whisperi n g going o n about the

.
, ,
house not intended f o r his hearin g he picks up enough t o

, ,
make him understand that things went cross grai ned in the -
court yesterday an d h i s f riend is ruined But the word ,

*
.
” ”
f riend and the word ruin disturb him no more than
,
“
,
.
so much j argon He is not to think of anything but how .
to get better ,
What a world o f foreign cares ar e merged i n that ah

s orbing consideration !
H e has put o n t h e stro n g arm our o f s ickness he i s ,
wrapped in the c allous hide o f su ff ering ; he keep s his ,
sympathy like some curious vintage under t rusty lock and

, ,
key f01 his own use only

, .
H e lies pitying h imsel f honing and m e an i n g to himself ,
h e y ear n e t h over hims el f ; his bowels ar e e ven melted .
w ithin him to think wh a t he su ff ers h e is not ashamed t o

,
w eep oy er himself .
He 18 fo r ever plo tting how t odo some good to hims elf ;

s tudying little stratagems and artificial alleviations .
H e makes the m ost o f himsel f dividing himsel f by an , ,
al lowable fiction i nto as many distinct in dividua l s as h e , ,

"
2 46 L AST E SSAY S
-
OF E LIA
hath sore and Bo rr o w i ng members Sometimes he meditates
—as o f a thing apart fr om him—upon his poor aching head
.
and that dull pai n which dozing o r wa k ing lay i n it all

, ,
the p as t night lik e a log or palpable substance of pai n n o t

, ,
to be removed without opening the very skull as it seemed , ,
t o take it thence O r he pities his long clammy attenuated

.
, ,
fin gers H e compassionates himself all over ; and his bed

.
’
i s a very discipline o f humanity and tender heart , .
He 1 s his own sympathizer ; and instinctively feel s th at

none can so well perform that offi ce fo r him H e cares fo r .
.
f e w spectators to his tragedy Only that punctual f ace o f

.
the ol d nurse pl e ases him that an n ounces his broth s and

,
his cordials He l i k e s i t because it is so unmoved and

.
’
because he can pour f orth h i s feverish ejaculations be fore

it as unreserv edly as to his bed post -
To the world s business he 1s dead He understands not

’
.
What the callings an d Occupations o f mortals are ; onl he

y
has a glimmering conceit o f some su ch thing when t h e ,
‘
docto r makes his dail y call ; and even in the lines o n that
“
busy face he reads no multiplicity o f patients but solely ,
conceives o f himsel f as the s i ck man To what other uneasy .
couch t h e good man is hastening when he slips o u t o f h i s ,
chamber folding up his thin douceur so carefully fo r f ear

o f rustlin g—
, ,
is no spe culation which h e can at present

entertain H e thinks only o f the regular return o f the
.
same phe no menon at the same hour t o morrow -

.
H o u sehold rumours touch him not Some fai nt murmur .

,
1n d i c ati v e o f li f e going on within the hou s e soothes him

whil e h e k nows not di stinctly wh at it is He is not to
, ,
know anyt hing n o t to think o f anything Se rvants gliding

, .
up o r down the distant staircase treading as upon velvet , ,
gently ke ep his ear aw ake so long as he troubles not him ,
s el f further than with some f eeble guess at their errands .
Exacter k nowledge w ould be a burthen to h i m : he can just

endure the pressure o f conjecture H e opens his eye faintl y .
at the du ll stroke o f t h e m u fil e d k nock er and cl o ses it again

‘
,
‘
without ask i n g Wh o was it ? H e 1s fl attered by a general ”
notion th at 1n q u i 1 i e s are making af ter him but he cares n o t ,
to k no w the nam e o f the 1 n qu i r e r In the gene ral stillness .

,
'
2 48 LA ST E SSAY S J O F EL I A .
— — —
Can
—
this b e h e this man o f newsi o f c h at i o f an ecdote J
o f everything but physio can this be he who s o lately ,
came betwee n the patient and his cruel enemy as o n some '
,
solemn embassy f r om N ature ere cting herself into a high

—
,
m ediating party Pshaw ! tis some old woman ’
F arewell with him all that m ade sickness pompous —the

.
spell that hushed the household4 the desert lik e stillness —

f elt througho u t its inmost chambers—the mute attendance
-
—the inquiry by look s—the still sof ter delicacies of self

attenti o n —the sole and single eye o f distemper al o n e l v
—
.
fixed upon itsel f world tho u ghts excluded the man a

—
-
world unto himsel f his o wn theatre

Wh at a sp eck 8 h e d windl ed m to
'
1 .
I n this fl at swamp o f convales ce nce le ft by the ebb o f ,
sickness yet far enough from the terra fi r m a o f established

health your note dear Editor reached me requesting—an
-
, , , ,
article In Articulo Mortis thought I but it is something -
hard —and the quibble wretched as it was relieved me

.
,
, .
,
The summon s unseasonable as it appeared seemed to link

, ,
me on again to the petty b u sinesses o f li fe which I had ,
lost sight o f a gentle call to activity however t rivial ; a ,
whol esome weaning f rom that preposterou s dream o f self

absorption—the pu ff y state o f sickness f i n which I conf ess -
to have lain so long insensible to the magazines and

, ,
monarchies o f th e world ali k e ; to its laws and to its ,
literature The hypochondriac fi at u s is subsidin g ; the

acres which i n imagin ation I had spread over—for the
. ,
'
sick man swells i n the sole contemplation o f hi s single

su ff erings till he becomes a Tityus to himself are wasting
,
—
to a span ; and fo r the giant o f self i mportance w hich I -
was so lately you have me once again in my natural pre

t ensions —the le an and meagre figure o f your in sign i fican t
“
,
SANIT Y OF TRUE G E NI US .
0 far from the po sition hol ding true t hat great wit (o r
'
genius in o u r modern way o f speaking) has a n e c e s

,
sary alliance with insanity the gr eatest wits o n the con , ,

‘
tr ar y will ever be found to b e the sanest writers

,
It is .
impossible fo r the mind to conceive o f a mad Sh ak s p e ar e .
The greatness o f wit by which t h e poetic talent is h ere

,
chiefl y to be understood manifests itsel f in the admirable ,
balance of all t h e faculties Madness is the disproportionate .
”
s training o r excess o f any o n e o f them So strong a wit .
,
s ays Co w ley speakin g o f a poetical f rie n d

, ,
di d Nature to h i m fr ame ,
t
A s all hi ngs b u t hi s u dgment o ercame ; j v
j
Hi s ud gment l ik e th e h e a e n l y m oon did s h ow, v
t t
Temp erin g h a m igh y se a b el ow
”
t .
The ground o f the mistake is that men finding i n th e , ,
raptures of the higher poetry a condition o f e x al tat i cn to ,
which they have no parallel in their o w n experience ,
besides the spurious resemblan ce o f it in dreams and

f ev ers impute a sta te o f dreaminess and f ever to the poet
, .
But the tr ue poet dreams being awake H e is not p o s .
sessed by his subject b u t has dominion over it In the , .
groves o f E den he walks familiar as in his native paths .
He as cends the empyrean heaven and is n o t intoxicated , .
He treads the burni ng marl w ithout dis m ay ; he w ins his

flight withou t self loss through realms o f chaos and o l d
-
”
night . Or i f abandoni n g himsel f to that severer chaos o f
,
a human m ind untuned he is content awhile to be mad ,
with L ear o r to h ate m ankind ( a sort o f m adness ) with

.
—
Timon ne i ther is that madness nor this m isanthropy so
, , ,
uncheck ed but that never letting the r e i n s o f reaso n

,
—
, ,
wholly go while most he seems to do

,
s o h e has his better ,
genius still whisperi n g at his ear with the good servan t ,
Kent suggesting saner counse ls o r with the hones t steward ,

F lav i u s r ecommending kindlier resolutions Where he seems .
most t o r ecede f rom humanity h e will be f ound the t rues t ,
to i t F rom beyond the scope o f N ature i f he summon

.
possible existences he s ubjuga tes them t o t h e law o f h e r

, ,
" ” ' ' '

consistency He is Be au t i f u l l y l o y al to that sovereign
.
dir ectress even when he appear s most to be tray and des ert
,
her Hi s ideal tribes s u bmit to policy h i s v ery monst ers

.
are tam ed to his hand even as that wild sea brood shep ,
-
herded by Proteus H e tames and he clothes them w ith .

,
attributes o f fl esh and blood till they wonder at themselves , ,
like Indian Islanders f orced t o s ubmit to E uropean vesture .
Caliban th e Witches are as tru e to the l aws o f t heir o w n

, ,
n atu r e ours with a di erence

( ff ) as an d ,
Macbeth H erein t h e :great and th e l i t t l e wits ar e di f

.
‘
.
fe r e n c e d ; that if the latter wander ever s o little f ro m

nature or actual existence they lose themselves an d t hei r ,
readers Their phantoms ar e lawles s; t heir visions n 1 gh t

.
mares They do n o t create whi ch implie s shaping an d ,
—
.
consistency Their imaginations m e n o t a c tive f o r t o b e

.
active is to call so m ething into act an d f orm but passive

'
‘
— ,
as men i n sick dreams F or t h e s upern atural o r s om e .

,
‘
'
thing s u p e r i adde d to what we k n o w o f n at ure , t hey gi v e

‘
.
'
y o u t h e
p lainly n o n natural A n d i f t hi s
-
w e re al l and that .
,
these mental hallucination s w ere di scoverable only l n t h e '

t reatment o f subjects o u t o f nature cr tr an s c e n di n g it t h e
‘ ’
, ,
judgment might with som e plea b e par don e d i f it r an riot

'
and a little wantonized : b ut even in t h e describing o f real

and every day li f e that which is bef ore their eyes o n e o f
—
-
, ,
these lesser wits sh all more deviat e f rom n ature show

more o f t ha t inconse qu ence w hich h as a n atu ral alliance
f re nzy —
,
”
than a great g enius in his maddest fi t s
We appeal to any o n e
, ,
as With er somewhere calls them .
tha t us ac quainted wi th th e common r un o f Lan e s novels

—
’
e y existed so m e twen or t hirty years back th ose

scant y in telle ctual v i and s o f the whole f e male r ea ding
ublic till a happie r genius arose and expel led fo r e v er
p , ,
the innu tritious phantoms w~ h ether he has n o t f oun d h i s ,

-
brai nmore betos sed h i s memory m o r e p uzzled his sen s e

hen and w here m
, ,
"
of w
l
ore con founde d among the i m p r o
an d magnificent vision recombine it in the mornin g an d
, ,
t r y it by his waking judgment That which appeared s o .

,
shifting and yet so coherent while th at faculty was pas

, ,
s ive ,
when it comes under cool examination shall appear so
reasonless and so u nlinked that we are ashamed to have ,
been so deluded ; and to have taken though but in sleep , ,
a monster fo r a go d But t h e transitions in this episode

.
are e v ery w hit as violent as in the most extravagant dream ,
an d y e t the waking judgme n t ratifies them .
C APT AI N J ACK SON .
MONG the deaths in o u r obitu ary fo r this month 1 ,
observe with concern A t his cottage o n the Bath .
”
Road Captain Jack son
,
The name and attribu tion are
.
: o m m o n enough ; but a feeling like reproach persu ades

me that this could have been no other in fact than my
dear ol d friend who some fi v e and twenty years ago rented
,
- -
a tenement which he was pleased to dignify wi th the ap

,
pellation here used about a mile from Wes t bo u r n G reen

, .
Alack h o w good men and the good turns they do us slide

, , ,
o u t o f memory and are recalled but by the surprise o f some

,
such sad memento as that which now lies before us

H e w hom I mean was a retir ed half pay o ffice r with a -
wife an d two grown u p daughters whom he maintained

-
with the port and notions of gentlewomen upon that s l en

der pro fessional allowance Comely girls they were too
An d was I in danger o f f orgetting this man —
. .
his cheer
f u l sup pers — th e noble tone o f hospitality when first y o u
set your f oot in th e cottage—t h e anxious m i n i s te r i n gs about
,
you where little o r noth i n g ( Go d knows ) w as to be minis

t e r e d —Al th ea s horn in a poor platter—the power o f self
,
’
.
enchantment by which in his magnificent wishes to e u

, ,
t e r t ai n y o u he multiplied his means to bounties
—
.
,
Yo u saw with your bodily eyes indeed what seemed a

b are scrag cold s avings f rom the foregone m eal remnant
C A P T A I N JA CK SO N 2 53 1
hardly su fficient t o send a mendicant f rom t h e d o o l con

tented But in the copious will —
‘
the revelling i m agina
tion o f your host—the mind the mind Master Shall ow
.
whole beeves were spread bef01 e y o u h e c at o m b s —no e n d

, , ,
fl
appeared to the prof u sion .
It w as t h e widow s m use the loaves and fishes carvi ng

—
’
-
could not lessen nor helping diminish i t the stamina

were lef t—the elemental bon e still fl ourished divested o f
,
its accidents .
Le t us live whi le we can methinks I hear the open ,
ha nded creature exclaim ; whi le we have let u s not want ”
want fo r nothing —
, ,
“
here is plenty left ; with many ’
more such hospitable sayings the spurs o f appetite and , ,
o l d concomitants o f smoking boards and f east oppressed -
chargers Then sliding a slender 1 atio o f Single Gl o u

.
c e s t e r upon his wif e s plate or the daughters he would

’ ’
, ,
convey the remanent rind into his o w n with a merry ,
quirk o f the nearer the bone &c and declaring that he ,

.
,
u n i v e 1 sal l y pre f erred the outside Fo r we had o u r ta bl e .
distinctions you are to know and some o f us in a manner

, ,
sate above the salt None but his guest o r guests dreamed
.
o f tasting fl esh l uxuries at night the f ragments we 1 e c er e ,
But o f o n e thing o r another there was

'
ho sp i tzbus s acr a
always enough and le avings : only he would sometimes
.
finish the re m ainder crust to show that he wished n o ,
savings .
Wine we had none ; nor except o n very rare o c c as mn s , ,
spirits ; but the sensatio n o f wi ne w as there Some t hin

k ind of ale I remember— Briti sh beverage
.
he would “
,
”
s ay ! Push abo u t m y boys ;
“
D 1 i nk to y o u r sweet
,
“
At eve 1 y meagre d 1 au g h t a toast m

”
hearts girls
,
. ust
ensue O a song Al l the forms o f good li quor were there
, 1 .
,
with none o f the eff ects wanting Shut your eyes and .
,
o u would swear a capacious bowl o f punch was f oami ng

y
in the centre with beams o f generous Port o r Madeira
,
radiating t o it from each o f the table corners Yo u got .
flu s t e r e d without knowing when ce tipsy u pon words ;

, ,
an d reele d under the potency o f h i s u nper fo rm in B ac c h a

g
nalian enc ou r agements .
51 54 L AST ESSAYS OF E LIA
VEh d songs— Wh y Soldiers why nd th ” r
V '
“
a ou r a e
—
, , ,
ri
B t ish rena diers i which last w were all oblige d to
'
G
‘
n e
bear c horus Both the d au gh t e i s Sang Their p r o fi éi en c y

was a nightly theme — the masters he had given them—the
. .
”
no expense which he spared to accomplish them i n a
Sci ence so necessary to you n g women
'
But then—they .
”
could n o t sing witho ut the instrument

—
.
Sacred and by me n ver to b e violate d s e ci e t s o f

,
e , ,
- -
Poverty ! Should I disclose y our honest aims at grandeur ,
your makeshift e fi br t s of magnificence ? Sleep sleep with , ,
all th broken keys i f o n e o f the bunch be extant ;

y
thrumm
,
' '
ed by a thousand ancestral th umbs ; de ar crac k ed ‘
spinnet o f dearer Louisa ! Without mention o f mine h e ‘
d umb thou thin accompanier o f her thinner warble ! A

v eil be sp 1 ead over the dear delighted face o f the well
delude d father who now haply listening to cherubic notes
, ,
'
s c at c e feels sincerer pleasure than when she a
'
wak ened t hy
time sh aken chords responsive t o the twitterings of that
-
'
'
slender 1 mage o f a voice .
We were not without our literary talk either It did

" '
‘
no t ex tend far but as far as it went it was good It w as ' ‘
.
,
bottomed well ; had good grounds to go upon In the .
co ttage w a s a room which tradition authenticated to have ,
been the same in w hich Glover in his o ccasional retire ,

‘
nie n t s had penned th e greater par t o f his L eonidas This

, .
circumstance was nightly quoted though none o f the

present inmates that I could discove r appeare d ever to
,
, ,
have met with the poe m in ques tion But that w as no .
mat te1 Glover had written there and the anecdote was
.
,
pressed i nto the account o f the family importance It .
diffused a learned air through the apartment the little side ,
case ment o f which (the poet s study window) ope ning ’
upon a superb view as far as the pretty spire o f H arrow ,
over domains and patrimonial acres not a rood nor square ,
yard wher eof our host could call his own yet gave oc ca
sion to an immoderate expansion o f—vanity shall I call
,
‘
it — i n his bosom as he showed them m a glo w ing summer,
evening It was all his, he took it all in and communi

. .
c a te d rich portions o f i t t o his gue s ts It was a part o f h is .

2 56 LA ST E SSAY S o r EL I A
ca rry h e r thither I forget which It so c om pletely
, . m a de
o u t the stanza o f the old ballad
Wh en w e c am e d o wn th rough Gl asgo w to wn ,
We we e a c om el y si gh t t o se e
r
My l ove was c l ad i n bl ack ve l vet ,

And I m ysel f i n c ramas i e .
I suppose it was the only occasion upon which his o wn

actual splendour at all corresponded with the world s ’
notions on that subject In homely cart o r travelling .

,
caravan by whatever humble vehicle they chanced to be

,
transported in less prosperous days the ride through Glas ,
g o w came back upon his f ancy not a s a humiliating con ,
trast but as a fair o c cas1o n f o r reverting to that o n e day s

,
’
”
state It seemed an equipage e t e r n from which no
.
power o f fate o r fortune once mounted had power there , ,
af ter to dislodge him .
There is some merit i n putting a handsome face upon '
indigent circumstances To bully and swagger away t h e

.
,
sense o f them before strangers may not be always di s co m ,
mendable Tibbs and Bobadil even when detected have

.
, , ,
more o f o u r admiration than contempt But f o r a m an to .
put the cheat upon himsel f ; to play the Bobadil at home ;

an d steeped in poverty up to the lips to f ancy himsel f all
, ,
the while chin deep in riches is a strain o f constitution al

-
ph ilosop hy and a mastery over fortu ne which was reserved

, ,
for my o l d friend Captai n Jack son .
THE SUP E RANN UAT ED MAN .
ra t
Se am e n r es p exi t
A Cl erk I was i n Lon don gay .

—
VI RGI L
O KE
’
.
EFE .
F peradven ture R eader it has been th y l ot to was te the

I — —
, ,
golden y ears o f thy life thy shining youth i n the

irksome confinement of an offi ce ; to have thy prison days
p rolonged through middle a e do w n t o decr epitude an d
g
T HE SU P ERAN N U A T E D M AN 2 57
s il ver hairs w itho ut hope o f release o r res pite ; to have

,
lived to f orget that there are such t hi n gs as holidays o r ,
t o remember them but as the prerogatives o f childhood

then an d then onl y wi ll you be able to appreciate m y
, ,
deliverance .
It is now six an d thirty years s i nce 1 took my seat at the

- -
desk i n Mincing Lane Melancho ly was the tra n sition at .
f ourteen f rom the abundant playtime and the f requently ,
intervening vacations of school days to the eight nine an d , , ,
s ometimes ten hours a day atte n dance at the counting

’
-
house But time partially reconciles us to anything I

. .
gradually became content doggedly contented as wild ,
animals in cages .
It is t r u e I had my Sundays to mysel f ; but Sundays ,
a dmirable as the insti tu tion o f them is fo r pur oses o f wor

p
s hip are f o r that very reason the very worst adapte d fo r
,
days o f unbending and recreation “

In particular there is .
6
,
a gloom f o r me attendant upon a city Sunday a weight in ,
the air I miss the cheer fu l cries o f London the music

and the b al l ad s in ge r s —the buzz and stirring murmur o f
.
, ,
‘
the streets Those etern al bells depress me The closed

. .
shops repel me Prin ts pictures all the glittering and .

, ,
endless su ccession o f knacks and gewgaws and ostenta ,
t i o u sl y displayed wares o f tradesmen which make a week ,
da y saunter through the less busy par t s o f the metropolis

so delightful—are shut o u t No book— stall s deliciously to
idle over—no busy f aces to recreate the idle man who con
.
templates them ever passing b y —the very face o f business

a chai m by contrast to hi s temporary relaxation f rom it
—
.
N oth i ng to be seen but unhappy countenances o r hal f
an ce s o r s , th e n o b l e o l d P ur i t ans o f Cr om w e ll s d a , c o u l d
t
[ O
’
ur y
t t
di s i n gui sh b e ween a d ay o f r e l i gi ous r es t and a da y o f r ecreati on ; an d
t t
wh il e h e y e x ac e d a r ig o 1ous abs in en c e fr o m all amu sem en ts (e ve n to t
the wal ki n g ou t of n u i s e 1y m ai d s wi h t th ei ttl e h ar ge
1 li c s i n th e fi el ds \
u p on th e S abba h ; i n th e l i eu t ‘
of th e sup er st i ti u s bs o o e r van c e o f th e
’
t
sai n s d ays , wh i ch t h ey ab ro ga t e d, th ey h u m a ne l y
g ave to th e app ren
ti ces an d p oo r er sc i t o f p eo p l e v
e ery al te rn a e t Th u rsd ay fo r a d ay o f
en ti re sp o r t an d 1 ec 1e ati o n . A s trai n o f p i e ty an d
p oli y t o c b e c om
m en d e d ab ove th e p 1 o fan e mk oc er y o f t h e S t rts and th ei r
ua b o ok 0 !
spo r s t .
1
2 58 : LA ST E SSAY S or EL I A “
h appy at b es t —o f emancipated pr ntices and little trade s
e
’
f ol ks with here and there a servant maid that has got leave
,
-
to go o u t who slaving all the week with the habit has l ost
, , ,
almost t h e capacity of enjoying a free hour ; an d livelily

-
.
expressing th e hollowness o f a day s pleasuring The v ery ’

.
strollers in the fields o n that d ay l o o k an y th i n g but com r

~
fo r tab l e .
But besides Sundays I had a day at E aster and a day at , ,
C h ristmas with a f ul l week i n the summer to go and air

, ,
mys elf i n my native fields o f Hertfordshire This last was .
a gr eat indulgence ; and the prospect o f its recurrence ; I

,
believ e alone kept me up through the year and made my

, ,
.
durance tolera ble B u t when the week came round did.

,
the glittering phantom o f the distance k eep touch with me ?
o r rather was it not a series o f seven uneasy days spent i n ,
restl ess pursuit o f pleasure and a wearisome anxiety to fi n d ,
o u t h o w to ma k e the most o f them ? Where was the quiet , ~

.
where the promised rest ? Be fore I had a taste o f it it was '

,
vanishe d I was at the desk again coun t ing upon t h e fi ft y

.
,
o n e te diou s weeks that must i n tervene be f ore such another
snatch would come Still the prospect o f i ts coming threw

.
som ething o f an illumination upon the darke1 side o f my

captivity Without it as I have sai d I could scarcel y have
.
, ,
sustained my thraldom .
Independently of the rigours o f attendan ce I have ever ,
been haunted with a sense ( perhaps a mere caprice ) o f m

capacity fo r business This during my l atter y e ar s h ad .
,
-
, ,
incr e ased to such a degree that it was visible in all t h e ,
l 1nes of my countenance My health and m y goo d spiri t s

, .
fl agged I had perpetually a dread o f some cris i s to which

.
,
I should be f ound unequal Besides my daylight servitude .

,
I s e r v e d over again all night i n my sleep and would awak e

a
,
with terrors o f imagin ary false entries errors in my ao ,
c ou nts and the like I was fifty years o f age and no pr os

,
.
,
e c t o f emancipation presented itsel f L had grown to

p
m y d e s k as it were ; and the wood had e
.
, .
‘
, . ntered into my .
s oul b 4
. . »
My fellows in the o fli c e would sometim es rally me upon

'
th e trouble legible in my countenance but I di d not know

' '
'
the ir names —I
to the kindness o f the most m u ni fi ce n t
ow e
fi r m in the World—the hou se o f Boldero Me rr y w eat h e 1

'
, ,
Bosanquet and L acy , .
Eato p crp etua l
F or the first day or two I felt stunned overwhelmed I — '

.
could only apprehend my felicity ; I was t oo confused to

'
taste it sincerely I wandered about thin k in g I was happy

.
, ,
and knowing that I was not I was in the condition o f .
a prisoner in the o l d Bastile suddenly let loose aft er a forty ,
years confinement I could scarce trust mysel f with m y

’
sel f I t was li ke passing out o f Time into E ternity—

.
. f or i t
'
is a sort o f E ternity fo r a man to have all his Time to him

self I t seemed to me that I had more time on my hands
.
than I could ever manage F rom a poor man poor i n .

,
Time I w as su d denly lifted up into a vast revenue ; I

,
‘
could see no end o f my possessions ; I wante d some steward ,

or judicious baili ff t o man age my estates in Time f o r me
, .
An d here let me caution persons grown o l d in active busi

ness not lightly nor without weighing their own resources
, , ,
to f orego their customary employm ent all at once for there ,
may be danger in it I f eel it by myself but I know that .

,
my resources are sufficient an d now that those first giddy

raptures have subsided I have a quiet home — f eeling o f the ,
blessedness o f my condition I am in no hurry Having . .
all holidays I am as though I had none

,
I f Time hung .
heavy upon me I could walk it away ; but I do not walk

,
all day long, as I used to do in those o l d transient holidays ,
thirty miles a day to m ake t h e m ost o f them I f Time

'
, .
were troublesome I could read it away ; but I do no t read

,
i n t hat violent measure with which having no Time my

1
, ,
o w n but candlelight Time I used to weary o ut my head ,
and eyesight in bygone winte rs I walk read o r scr ibble .

, ,
a now just w hen the fit seizes me I no lo n ger hunt

'
( s
) .
after pleasure ; I let it come to me I am li k e the man .
’
th at s b orn , an d h as h i s year s co m e t o h i m,
In so m e g re e n d es er t .
Y ears ! y o u w ill sa
y ;
“
wh at is th is su
p e
rannuate d
T HE SU P E RANN U A T E D M AN 26 1
simpl eton calculating upon ? He h as already told us h e is

”
past fif ty .
I have indeed liv ed nominally fifty years but deduct o u t ,
o f them the hours w hich I have lived to other people and ,
not to myself an d y ou will find me still a young f ell ow

, .
F or that is the only true Time which a man can properly

cal l his o w n —that which he has all to himsel f ; the rest
,
,
'
though in some sense he may be said t o live it is other ,
people s Time not h is The remnant o f my poor days long

’
, .
,
o r short is at least multiplied f o r me three fold My ten

, .
next years i f I stretch so far will be as long as any pre

, ,
cedi ng thirty Tis a f air rule o f three sum

.
’
- -
.
Among the strange f an tasies which b e se t m e at the c o m '
m e n c e m e n t o f my freedom and o f which all traces are not ,
yet gone o n e was that a vast tract o f time had intervened

, ,
since I quitted the Counting H o u se I could not conceive .
o f it as an aff air o f yesterday The partners and th e clerk s .

,
with whom I had fo r so many years and fo r so many ,
hours in each day o f t h e year been closely associated

being suddenly removed fro m them —they seemed as dead
,
to me There is a fine passage which may serve to illus

.
,
trate this f ancy in a Tragedy by Si r R obert H oward

, ,
s eaking o f a f riend s death

’
p
T was b u t j ust no w h e went way ;
’
a
I h ve n ot s i n c e h ad ti me to sh e d
a te ; a ar
An d y t th e di st nc e d oe s t h e sam e app e
e a ar
A s i f h e h d b een a th o n d y ears f
a m me u sa ro .
Ti m e t k e s n o m easur e i n E te n ity
a r .
To dissipate this awkward feeling I have been f ain to ,
go among them once o r twice since ; to visit m y o l d desk

—
“
f ellows m y c c brethren o f the q uill that I had le f t

- —
below in the state militant No t all the kindness with .
which they received me could quite restore to me that

pleasant f amiliarity which I had heretofore enjoyed among ,
them We cracked some o f o u r o l d

. but methought
they went o ff but faintly My ol d desk ; the peg where I .
hung m y hat were appropriate d to another I knew it

,
.
must be but I could n o t take it kindly D l take

— —
-
.
,
me i f
,
I did not feel some remorse be ast i f I had n o t at ,
262
"
LAST v
ESSAY S O F EL I A
q ui t t ing my o l d compeers ; the f aith f ul p artners o f nm y
toils fo r six and thirty years th at smoothed fo r m e gw i t h

- -
,
'
their jokes and c onundrums the ruggedness o f m y p r o f es

-
, ,
1
s i o n al r oad Had it been so rugged th e n af ter all ? o r

. .
, .
'
was I a coward simply ? Well it is t o o l at e t o repe nt ; , ,
and I also kn ow that these suggestions are a common

. . .
“
fallacy o f the mind o n such occasions B u t my hear t ,

.
smote me I had violently broken the bands betwixt us

. .
It was at least not courteous I shall be some t i m e before

'
.
I get quite reconcil e d to the s eparation F arewell o l d .

,
cronies y e t not fo r long f o r again and again I will come

, ,
am ong ye i f I shall have y our lea ve ,

F arewell Ch .
,
dry sarcastic and f riendly ! D o

, mild slow t o move
, , ,
and gentlemanly Pl o fii ci o u s to d o and t o volunte e r ,

—
.
,
good services and thou thou dreary pile fi t m ansion , , .
f o r a G resham o r a Whittingto n o f o l d statel y house o f ,
Merchants ; with thy labyrinthine p assages and ligh t ,
excluding pent u p o ffi ces where candles f o r o n e hal f the

,
-
year supplied the place o f the sun s li ght unhealthy con ’

,
tributor to my weal ste rn f osterer of my living f arewell !

, ,
In thee remain and not in the obscure collection of some ,
w anderin g boo k seller my works ! There let them rest , ,
as I do from my labours piled o n thy massy shelves more , ,
MSS in folio than ever Aquinas lef t and f ull as useful !

.
,
My mantle I bequeath among ye .
A f ortnight has passed s i nce the date o f my first c o m m u

n i c at i o n At that period I was approach i ng to tranquil l ity
.
,
but had not reached it I boasted o f a calm indeed but i t .

,
'
w as comparative o n ly
, Something o f t h e first fl u t t e r w as .
le ft ; an un settling sense o f novelty ; the d azzle to weak .
eyes o f unaccusto med light I missed my o l d chains fo r . .

,
sooth as i f they had been some necessary part o f my

,
.
.
apparel I w as a poor Carthusian from str ict cell ul ar

.
t , , . ,
discipline suddenly by s ome revolution ret u rned upon the

wor l d I ai n now as i f I had never been other than my ;
.
,
'
o w n m aster It is natural f o r me t o g0 w h e r e I please ”

. . . .
1
to do “ w h at I please I find m ysel f at 1 1 o clock in the ; .

,
d ay 1n gB o n d S treet and it seem s t o me that I hav

,
e been ,
sau n t ring t ho r e at
e that ve ry h our fo r
,
years p ast I di g r es s .
,
26 4. LA ST E SSAY S O F EL I A
I verily bel i eve is o u t o f his element as long as he i s
,
~
operative I am alto gether for the lif e conte mplative

.
.
.
Will no kindly earthquak e come and swallow up those

accursed cotton mi lls ?
Take me th at lumber o f a desk
-
there and bowl it do wn

,
As l o w as to th e fi ends .
I am no longer clerk t o the F irm o f &c I ,

.
am R etired Leisure I am to be met with in tri m gardens . .
I am already come to be known by m y vacant f ace an d

careless gesture perambulating at no fixed pace nor with
, ,
any settled purpose I walk about ; not to and from They . .
tell me a certain cum digni tate air that has been buried so
, ,
long with my other good parts has begun to shoot forth in ,
my person I gr ow into gentility perceptibly When I

. .
take up a newspaper it is to read the state o f the opera ,
Op us op era tum es t I have done all that I came into this

.
world to do I have worked task work and have the rest

.
-
o f the day to myse l f .
THE GENTEEL STYLE I N WR ITING .
T is an ordinary criticism that my Lord Shaf tesbury

I
,
and Si r William Temple are models o f the genteel

s tyle in writing We should pre fer saying—
. o f the lordly ,
and t h e gentlemanly Nothing can be more unlike than .

,
the infl ated fi n i cal rhapsodies o f Shaftesb u ry and the plain

natural chit— chat o f Temple The man o f rank i s dis .
c e rn ib l e in both writers ; but i n the o n e it is only insinuate d
grace f ull y in the other it stands o u t o ff ensively The peer

,
.
seems to have written with h i s coronet o n and hi s Earl s ,

’
m antl e b efore him ; t h e commoner in h i s elbow c h ai r and -
undress What can be more pleasant than the way in

.
-
which the retired statesman peeps o u t in h i s essays penned ,
by the latter in his delightful retreat at Shene ? They

s cent o f Ni m egu e n an d the Hague Scarce an au thority is .
T HE G EN T EEL ST Y LE I N W RIT I N G 265
qu oted under an ambass ador D o n F rancisco d e Melo a .

,
Portuga l E nvoy i n En glan d tell s him it was fr equent i n

,
hi s co untry f o r men sp e n t wi th age and other decays s o as

, ,
they co uld n o t h Op e f o r abo ve a year o r two o f l if e t o ship ,
th emse lves away in a B raz il fl ee t and af te r their arr ival ,
t h e i e t o go o n a great length sometimes o f twenty o r ,
thirty y ear s o r more by the f orce o f that vigour they

, , a
r e covered with that remove Whether such an eff ect

.
“
( Temple b ea uti f u lly adds ) might grow f rom the air o r ,
the fr uits o f that clim ate o r by approaching nearer the sun

, ,
whi ch is the f ou ntain of ljg h t an d h eat when their natur al

, ,
h ea t w as so fa r decayed ; o r whether the piecing o u t o f an

o l d man s lif e were worth the pain s I cannot tell : perhaps
’
the pl ay i s not wort h the candl e Monsie u r Pompone

F rench Am bass ador 1 n his (S i r William s ) time at the
.
,
’
Hague certifies h i m that in h is lif e he had never heard

,
”
,
o f any m an in F rance tha t arrived at a hundr e d year s o f
age ; a li m i tation o f lif e whi ch the o l d gentleman impu tes

t o the ex c ellen ce o f the i r climate givi ng them such a liveli ,
nes s o f temper and humour as di sposes them t o more plea ,

»
sures o f all kinds th an 1n other countries ; and moral iz e s

upo n the matter very sensibly The late R obe rt Ea rl o f .
“
”
L eicest er f urnis hes hi m with a story o f a Countess o f D es
mond married out of E ng land 1n E d w ard the F e w th s time
,
’
and who l i v e d far in King James s reign The same ’

.
nobl e perso n gives h i m an account how such a ye ar in

”
, ,
the same reign there went about the countr y a s e t o f m or

,
rice d ancers composed o f t e n men who danced a Maid

-
, ,
Marian an d a tabor and pip e ; and how these twelve o n e

, ,
w ith an other m ade u p t we l v e hundred years

, u
It was not .
“
so much ( says Temple ) that so many in o n e small co u nty
( H er t f ords hi r e
) s h ould live t o that ag e as that they shoul d c ,
be m v i g ou r a n d i n h umour to t r av e l an d to dance Mon

”
.
.
si e u r Z u l i ch e m o n e o f hi s colleag u es at the Hagu e infor m s

, ” ,
hi m o f a cure f o r t h e g out ; whi ch i s confi rmed by another

E nvoy
”
Monsieur Se r in ch am mL i n that town who had
—
“
, , .
tr i e d i t Ol d Prince Maur i c e o f N as sau recommends t o h i m

the us e o f h am mocks 111 tha t co mpla i nt ; having bee n al lured
t o slee p while su ff ering u n
,
der it hi m se lf by th e const an t ,
1
K
'
26 6 :
LA ST ESSAY S 0 E EL 1A1T ~ 1 fl T
1
1 -
hose airy bed s of

Count Egul ont
!
t .
‘ ‘‘
wh o was kill ed l ast sli mer f b hfor e

m
'
o him t h eir experiences ‘

.
i s n e v e r more i nnocen t ly d i s
’
’
n where he tak es f o
'
nted the c ompl i meii ts
c IO Se d ; t h a r gra
'
‘
1
paid b y foreigners t ohl s f ruit trees .
f éc ti o n o f what We esteem the best

'
t he French , who h ave eaten hi s

Sh e n e l n n o v ery 1 11 year have gene ,
'
last are as good as any they have eate n i n F rance o n t h is
side Fo n t ai i i ebl eauf and th e first as geod as any t h eyhave r
e at in G asc oii y Italians have agreed his Whi te fi g s to be

‘
.
‘
1
Sort in Italy which l s the earli er ki nd

'
,
r in t h e latter kind and t h e blue ; vVe '
war m cli m ates no mol e t h an i n th e

"
,
Fr onti gnac or Muscat grape H i s orange trees t o o are as .

-
, ,
'
lar ge as an y h e s aw when he was young i n F rance excep t
'
’ ‘ P
th ose of F on taineb l eau ; or what he h ad se en since i ii the

Lo vv Countri es except So me ve ry ol d ones o f the P r in ce o f
''
,
O f grape s he had the b on du i o f bringi ng over

i
four so rts n to En gl and which he enum erate s and s u p p oses
‘
, ,
th at t he y are al l b y this time pretty common amon g seine

‘
gardene rs ln hi s neighbourhood as well as Sev e ral pe r sons ,
o f quality or he eve r thou g ht all thin gs o f this k ind

f
the comm oner th ey ar e made the bette r ‘
.
’
pedant ry with which he assert s that ti s to littl epurp os e to

‘ ’
plant any o f the b eét fru its as peaches o r grape s hardly ; he , ,
d ou bt s be yond N o th ampton sh ire at t h e fart h e s t north ;

' '
,
r r
Wards ; an d p rai se s t h e Bishop o f Munster at Cos ev el t ,
fdr atte mpti ng nothing b eyond cherr ie s i n th at cold c l i in at é ;

r
‘
and m character I m ay perh aps ! ” “ r

, .
Garde n E ss ay wi th a p a s sage
C o wley ) b e all owed to know s omething o f this
“
e I have s o long allowed mysel f t o be good f o r

no t h i n g e l s e which fe w men w ill do o r enjoy their ga rd ens
;
‘
, , ,
witho ut of ten looki ng ab r o ad t o s e e h ow o ther matter s pl ay

‘
‘
,
wha t mo tion s i n the State a n d wha t invitations t he y dray

’
,
1 “
h oppee for i n t oother s oe n es F or my o w npart as the c o un t rv

“ ‘
‘
.
,
l ifé an d th is part o f i t riio r é par tic ularl y were t h e i nc l ha l

’ ‘ ' 1
'
, ,
'
268 L A S T E SS A Y S o r f
ELI A
riband bind u p a w o u n d so w ell as a fi l let The glitt er o f .
of d i am o n d s will b u t h u rt s ore ey es instead o f

'
g old or
cur ing them ; and an aching head will be no m ore eased by
, ,
”
w eari ng a c 1 own than a co m m on nightcap In a f ar better ‘
.
style and m ore accordant wi t h h i s o w n h u m ou r o f plain

, [
ness are the concl u di ng s entences of h is D i scou rse u pon

,
P oetry ”
Te m ple t ook a pa rt i n the controversy abou t the
.
ancient and the m odern learning ; and with that partiality ,
so nat ural and so gracefu l in an old m an whose state en ,
a e m e n t s had le f t hi m little l ei sure to loo k into m odern

g g '
—
produ ction s while his retirem ent gave h i m occasion to look
,
b ack u pon the cl assic st udies o f his you th decided i n f a

”
vo u r o f the latter Certain it is he says
. that whether , , ,
the fi e r ce n es s o f th e G othic hu mo u rs or noise o f their per ,

'
u al war s f righted it awa y or that the u ne qu al m ixtu re
—
p e t , ,
o f the m odern lang u ages wo ld not bearu i t the great

heights and excellency both o f poetry and m u sic fell with
n
'
t h e Ro m an learn i n g and e m pir e a nd h ave never s i nce r e
,
covered the adm i i at i o n and ap pl afiSes t hat before attended

the m Y e t su ch as they are am ongst u s they m u st be
.
, ,
confessed to be the sof test and the sweetest the m ost ,
general and m ost innocent am u sem ents o f comm on tim e

and li fe They still fi n d room i n the cou rts o f princes and
.
,
the cottages o f shepherds Th ey ser ve to rev i ve and ani

.
m ate the dead calm o f poor and idle lives and t o ,
divert the violent passions an d pertu rbations of the greatest

and the b u siest men An d both the s e e fi ec t s m e o f e qu al
‘
.
,
u s e to hu m an lif e ; f o r the m in d o f m an is l i k e the sea ,
which is neither agr eeable t o the beholder nor the voyager ,
in a calm or in a storm b u t is so to both when a l i ttle

,
'
agitated by gentle gales ; an d so the m ind when m oved by ,
soft an d easy passions o r aff ections I know very well that .

.
m any who preten d to be Wi s e b y the f orm s o f being g rave ' ,
are apt to despise both p oetry an d m u si c as toys and tr ifl es ‘ ‘

,
t o o light f or the u s e or entertain ment o f s eriou s m e n Bu t .
'
whoev er fi n d them selves wholly i n s e n s i b l e to their charm s ,
wo u ld I think do well to k eep thei r o wn co u nsel f o r f ear

, , ,
o f r eproaching their own te m per an d bri n ging the good ,
ness of their nat ur es if not o f th eir understandi n gs i nto

, ,
r B A R B AR A 5 .
— 4 269
qu esti o n W hile thi

. s wo rld lasts
"
I do u bt not b u t th e ,
pleas u re and requ est o f th es e two entertainm ents will do so

t oo and happy those that c o ntent the m se lv e s with these ,
or any other s o ~eas y and so innocent , and do not trou ble the
w orl d or other m e n beca u se they cannot be qu ie t the m
,
selves thou gh nobody hu rts them

,
When all is done .
”
he concl u des h u m an li f e is a the greatest and the best

( ) , t
b u t like a f roward child that m u st b e played with and ,
'
hu m ou red a little , to keep it qu i et till i t falls asleep an d , .
then the care is o ver .
BARB ARA S
N t h e n oon o f the 1 4th o f Nove m ber, 1 7 4 3 o r 4 , I

'
~
f orget whi ch it was , j u st as the clock had stru ck one ,
B arbara S with her accu stom ed pu nctu ality , ascended

the long ram bling staircase with awkward interposed ,
~
landing places which led to the offi ce or rather a sort o f

-
,
“
box with a desk in it whereat sat the then treasu rer o f ,
what e w o f o u r readers m ay re m e m ber ) the old Bath

‘
( f
Theatre Al l over the island it was the c u stom and rem ains
. ,
'
s o I believe to this day fo r th e players to receive their

'
,
weekl y stipend on the Satu rday It was n o t m u ch that .
Barbara had to clai m .
, The little m aid had j u st entered her eleventh year b u t

her i m portant station at the theatre as it seem ed to her , ,
with the benefi ts which s h e felt to accru e from her piou s

application o f her sm all earnings had given an ai r o f ,
wom anhood to her steps and to her behaviou r Yo u wou ld .
have taken her to have been at leas t fi v e years older .
Till latterl y she had m erely been em ploy ed in c horu s e s ,
where wanted to l u p the scene

‘
o r c h i l d r e n w e r e fi l But .
the m anager observing a d i li gence and adro i tness in her

,
above her age h ad f o r som e fe w m onths p ast intru sted to

,
her the perform ance of whole parts Y ou m ay gu ess th e .
s e lf consequ ence o f t h e 1 o mo t e d Barbara Sh e had alr eady

p .
-
'
270 L AST E SSAY S zO F E LI A

dr awn tears in you ng Arth u r
’
infantine p e t u l an ce i n t h e Du k e Of Y ork and in her tur n . . .
h ad\ rebu k ed that petu lance when she w as Pr ince o f Wales ' “
Sh e w ou ld hav e done the e l der child in Morton s pathe t ic

’
.
'
af te rpiece to the li fe ; b ut as y e t t h e C hil dren i n th e ' “
; u
Wood was not

”
.
L ong af ter th is l i ttl e g i rl was g r ow n a n a ge d wom an I ,
h ave seen so m e o f th es e smal l p arts each m aki n g t w o or

' ' '
thre e pages at most copi ed o u t in the ru d est h and o f th e

,
, ,
th en prom pter who dou btless transcribed aq l i t t l e m o re ,

'
carefu lly and f airly fo r the grown u p t 1 age dy lad ies o f the
establishm ent B u t su ch as they were blotte d and scrawled
.
, ,
as fo r a child s u s e she kept the m all ; and in the z enith o f

’
,
h e r a fter repu tation it was a delightfu l sight t o behold

them bou nd u p in co stlies t m o rocco each single —each
sm all part m aking a book—with fi n e clasps gilt splashed
,
, ,
Sh e h ad c onsc i entio u sly kept them as t h e y l i ad been

. ’
delivered to h e r ; not a bl o t l1 ad been e fi ace d o r tam per ed

' '
, . ,
'
with 'They were preciou s to her fo r ft h e i r afi ect ing r e
. . 1 » - -
They were h er principia her rudimen ts ; ' '
m e m b r an c i n gs
’
. .
.
, l
th e ele m entary atom s the little Step s b y l which s h e p r ess e d

' '
g
forward to perfecti on : What ” sh e w o u l d say, t 1 c ou l d

’
“
f
,
In d ia ru bber o r a p u m ice st o n e have don e for t hes e

-
,
-
‘
-
Z
,
' '
.
“
darlings
I am in no h u rl y to begi n m y s tory —
'
ind eed ; I have little ‘

'
—
. ,
none to tell so I will j u st m ention an ob ervation o f

‘ “
or
s ,
hers connected with that interest i n g tim e .
w
'
1
'
N o t l o n g
, be
. f ore s h e d i e d I h ad b e e n f disco u rsi ng ith . . ,
l
, h e r on t h e qu antity o f real present e m oti on w h i ch a great v
{ tragic p e i fo r m e r e x periences d u 1 i n g acti n gfl I ventu red to

'
think that th ou gh in the fi rst instance s u c h p l ay e r s m u st
, a
h ave possessed the feelings which they so powerf ul ly cal l ed ‘

.
u
p in others yet by f requ ent repeti tion those fe elin s m u st
, g '
become d eadened i n g reat 1n e as u r e ,: and th e p erform er tru s t .
‘
to t h e m em ory o f p ajst e mo ti o n rather th an express a p re

'
‘ ‘
-
, , , .
se t o u Sh t e notion that with a '

n n e e i n di g n ly
n a t r e p e l l e d h
- f - a
.
, ,
t i ul y great tragedian the op eration b y which s u c h eff ec ts ,
we1 e p rod uced upon an au d ience cou ld ever deg rade i tself
,
,
i nto gwhat { w as 1111 1 el y m ech a n ical W ith m u ch de li cac

y , . .
,
272 L AST E SS A Y S or E LI A
so m e people in their walk thro ugh life and w h i c h bi t i s ,
i 1
i m possible to lay at the door o f i mp ru d e n c e was now ' .

- =
'
redu ced to nothing They were in fact in the very . , ,

« .
t eeth o f starvation w hen th e m anager who k n e w and re

, ,
n
s p e c t e d the m in better days , too k the little Barba r a into

'
h is co m pany .
At the period I co m m enced with her s lender earni ngs ,
were the sole su pport o f the f am il y inclu ding two you nger ,
sisters I m u st thro w a v eil over som e m ortifying circ um

. .
stances Enou gh to say that her Satu rday s p ittance was

.
.
,
’
the only chance o f a Su nday s ( generally their only) m eal ’
o f m eat .
On e thing I will only m ention that in so m e child s pa rt

’
, ,
where in her theatrical character she was to s up o ff a roast :
f owl ( 0 jo y to B arbara som e com ic actor who was fo r t h e

night caterer for this dainty—i n the m isgu ided h u m ou r o f
,
'
his part threw over the dish s u ch a q u antity o f salt ( 0

,
grief an d pain o f heart to Barbara !) that when she cram m ed

a portion o f it into her m o u th she was obli ged s p u tte ringl y ,
to rej ec t i t ; an d what w ith sham e o f her ill acted part

» -
and pain o f real ap p e ti t e at m issing su ch a dainty her ,
little heart sobbed al m ost to breaking till a fl ood of tears , ,
which the well fe d spectators were t o tal l y u n ab l e to c o m

-
nr e h e n d m erci f u lly relieved h e r

, .
This was the li ttle s t arved m eritorio u s m aid who stood , ,
bef ore old Ravenscro f t the treas u rer f o r her S atu rday s
’
, ,
paym ent .
Ravenscrof t was a m an I have h eard m any o l d theatrical ,
p eople besides hersel f say o f all m e n least cal c u lated f o r a ,

"
treas u re r H e had no head for accou nts paid away at r an

.
,
d o m kep t scarce any books and s u m m ing u p at the w e ek s

’
, ,
end i f he fou nd him self a po und o r so defi cient blest h i m

, ,
self tha t i t was no worse .
Now Barbara s weekly stipend was a bare half gu inea

’
B y m istake he popped into h e r h an d—a whole o n e

-
:
'
B ar b ar a t r i p p e d away .
Sh e w as en tirely un con scio u s a t fir s t o f the fm is t ak e : - .
G od knows Rav enscroft wou ld never hav e discovered it

,
~ ~
‘
. . 2
B u t wh en she h ad got do wn to th e fi rst o f those u ncou th .

B A R BA RA S 273
a ding places sh e becam e sen sibl e of an u nu s u al weight

l n -
O f me tal pr essing in her little hand

.
.
c N O w m ark t h e dilem m a
r . 1.
: Sh e was by natu re a good child F ro m he r parents and .
those abo ut her she had i m bibed no contrary infl u ence

, .
B u t the n they had ta u ght her nothing P oor m e n s sm oky .
cabins ar e not always porticoes o f m oral philosophy This .
little m aid had no instinct to evil b u t then she mi ght be ,
s aid to have n o fi xed princip l e Sh e had heard honesty s ,
co m m ended b u t never dream ed o f its application to her

,
'
self Sh e thou ght o f it as som ething which concern ed

.
grown u p people m e n and w om en Sh e had never kn own

-
, .
tem ptation o r thou ght of preparing resistance against it

, .
1 Her fi rst i m pu l se was to go back to the o l d treasu rer ,
and explain to h i m his blu nder H e was already so c on .
fu sed with age besides a n atu ral want o f p u nctu ality that
,
.
,
sh e wo u ld h ave had so m e di ffi c u lty i n m aking h i m u n der
stand i t Sh e saw that in an instant A n d then it was su ch

: .
a b i t o f m oney ! and then the image o f a larger allowance

o f b u tcher s m eat o n th eir table the next day ca m e across
’
her 1till her littl e eyes glistened and her m ou th m oistened

, , .
B u t then Mr Ravens crof t had always b een so good natu red

.
-
had stood her friend behi nd the scenes and even r e c o m

. ,
m ended h e r pro m otion to so m e o f h e r little parts B u t again .
the o l d m an was repu ted to be worth a world o f m on ey H e .
w as s up p o s e d to have fi f ty po u nds a year clear o f t h e theatre -
An d then cam e staring u pon her the fi gu res o f her littl e

stockingless and shoeless sisters An d w h e n she l ooked at .
'
her own n eat white cotton stock ings which her situ ation at ,
the theatre h ad m ade it indispensable for her m oth er to pr0

vide fo r her with hard strainin g and pinchi n g f 1 o m the
,
fam ily stock and thou ght h o w glad she sho u l d be to cover
their poor f eet with the sam e —and how then they cou ld
,
accom pany her to 1 eh e ar s al s w hich they h ad hitherto been,
preclu ded f rom doing b y reason o f their u nfashion able at t i i e

i n these tho u ghtsshe reached the second landing place
, ,
—
- -
th e second I m ean f ro m t h e t o p
, f o r th ere was still another
,
left to traverse .
No w v irtu e su pport B arbara !

27 4 L AST E SSA Y S OF
’
EL IA
—
.
never fail in g f riend“ did step i h for at f Eth et

th at -
s
'
m om ent a stren gth n o t h e r o wn 1 hav e h eard h er sum

—
l
r evealed t o her—
1
a reaso n abov e I r easo n ing and Wi tho u t

he r o w n agency as it seem ed (fo r she never felt h er fee t to
,
mov e ) sh e f o u nd herself t ran sported b ack to th e indi vid uel

’
desk she had j u st qu itted and her { h and 1n th e ol d han d o f ,

’
"
Raven s c r o ft w h o i 11 s i 1e n c e took back the re f unded t r e a re
'
!
, ,
and w h o had beensitting (good m an ) 1n s en si

o f m in u tes whic h to her were anxio u s a ges and
‘
m om ent a dee p peace f ell u pon her heart an d s h e k ne w ,

f
t h e qu ality of h onesty .
A y ear o r two s u nrepining application to h e r p r ofe s

’
( !
s io rr brighten e d u p the f eet an d t h e prospects o f 5 h e rt l i tt l e

‘
si sters set the whole fa

, mily u pon their legs agai n i a n d ‘
r e l ea sed he r f rom the di ffi c u lty o f disc u s si n g m o ral d o gin as f
u pon a landin g plac e -

. 2
”
I have h eard her say that i t w as a surprise no t m u ch .
,
short o f m or tifi c at i on to h er to s ee the coolness with which ,
Eh er
h
t e old ma n pock e ted the diff erenc e w hich had c au e
s d ,
M 11 1
This anecdote o f her s elf I h ad in the year 1 8 00

' ’ ‘ ’
t f rom
,
the m ou th cf the late Mrs Crawf ord then si

' ‘
.
,
years o f age ( she died soon af ter) ; and to her

u On this childish o c casio n I hav e so m etim es ve
' '
‘
p
thin k her indebted fo r th at power o f rendin the heart m
g
the representation o f confl ictin g em oti ons ,
af ter years s h e was considered as little inf erior

so in the part o f Lady Randolph ) even
Th e mai d en nam e o f thi s l ad y was S tree t, wh i ch sh e c h anged , by
s ucces si ve m arri age s , for h o se of Dan . t
c e r , B arry , and Crawfor d Sh e
M
.
wa r s C r awfo r d a th i r d tim e a w do w. wh e n I
s .
i e w h er
kn fi
.
l l : 7 F N (
2 76 L AST E SSAY S OF EL I A
onl y in which they m u st rob fr o m their attendance o n t h e
,
worship every m inu te which they can bestow u pon the

f abric In vain the p u blic prints have taken u p this s u b
.
j i vain s u ch poor nam el ess writers as m ysel f express
their i n dignation A word from y ou sir —

e c t, n-
a hint 11i
’
Jo u rn al —wou ld be su ffi cient to fl ing open the doors o f the

.
y o u1 , ,
Beau ti fu l Tem ple again as we can rem e m ber th em when ,

"
we were boys At that ti m e o f lif e what wou ld the im agi
.
'
,
native tac u l ty ( su ch as it is ) i n both o f u s have su ff ered if , ,
the entrance to so m u ch re flection had been obstru cted by th e

de m and o f so m u ch silver — I f we had scraped it u p to gain .
an occasional adm ission (as we certainl y shou ld h ave do n e ) ,

I
wo u ld the sight o f those old tom bs have been as i m p r e ss1v e

t o u s ( while we have been weighing anxio u sl y pru d ence
'
'
against sentim ent) as when the gates stood open as t h o s e o f
the adjacent Park ; when we co uld wal k in at any tim e as ,
the m ood brou ght u s fo r a shorter or longer ti m e as that

, ,
l asted Is the being shown over a place the sam e as

silently f o r o u rs el ves detecting the geniu s o f it In no
part o f o ur beloved Abbey n o w can a person fin d entrance
o u t o f service ti m e u nder the s u m o f twb s hi l l i ngs The
( -
) -
.
rich and th e great will s m ile at t h e anti clim ax presu m ed to -
lie 1n these tw o short words B u t y o u can tell them sir how .

, ,
m u ch qu iet worth how m u ch capacity f o r enlarged f eeli n g;

,
how m u ch tas te and geniu s m ay coexist especially i n , ,
y ou th with a pu rse incom petent to this dem and A r e

,
.
s p e c t e d fr i en d o f o u 1 s d u rin g his late visit to the m etro

'
polis presented him self fo r adm ission to S t P au l s At the

, .
’
.
s am e tim e a decently clothed m an with as decent a wi fe -
and child were bargaining fo r the sam e indu lgence The

,
.
price was only two pence each person The poor b u t -

.
decent m an hesitated desiro u s t o go in ; b u t there were ,

‘
three o f them and he tu rned away rel u c ta

,
ntly P erhaps .
he wished to have seen the tom b o f Nelson P erhaps .
the Interior o f the Cathedral was his obj ect B ut 1n t h e

, .
state o f hi s fi nances even S ixpence m i ght reasonably s ée m ‘
Tell the Aristo cracy of the cou ntry (no man

,
“
ca n d o it m or e i m p ressively ) ; i n stru ct the m o f what va lu e 5
thes e i nsig nificant p ieces o f m oney these m in i m s to their .

AM I CU S R E D I VI VU S 27 7
sight may be to their hu m bler brethren Sham e these

, .
Sellers o u t o f the T e m ple S ti fl e n o t the s u ggestions o f

:
yo u r better nature with the pretext that an indi scrim inate ,
ad m is sion wou ld expose the Tom bs to violation Rem em .
ber you r boy days D i d y o u ever see or hear o f a m ob in

-
. , ,
the Abbey while it was free to all ? D o the rabble com e

,
.
'
there or tro u ble the ir h eads abou t s u c h specu lations ? I t

,
is al l that y o u can do to drive the m into you r chu rches ;

they do not volu ntarily o ffer them selves They have al as ! .
,
no passion for antiqu ities ; fo r tom b of kin g or prelate sage ,
or poet I f they had they wo ul d be no longer the rabble

.
,
.
F o r forty years that I have k n own the F ab r ic , the only

w ell attested charge o f violation addu ced has been—a ridi
-
,
~
c u l o u s d i s m e m b e r rn e n t nc o m m i t t e d u pon the e ffi gy o f that

’
am iable spy Major André An d i s it fo r this—the wanton

,
.
m ischie f o f so m e school boy fi red perhaps with raw notion s

-
o f Trans atlantic F reedo m o r the re m ote possibili t o f

y
s u ch a m isc hief occu rring again so easily to be prevente d ,
.
by stationing a constable within 'the walls i f the vergers

are incom petent to th e du ty is it u pon su ch wretched pre — ,
teno es that the people o f England are m ade to pay a new

P eter s Pence so l ong abrogated ; or m u st cont ent them
’
,
selves with contemp lating the ragged E xterior o f the i r

Cathedral ? The m ischief was done abo u t the tim e that
y o u were a scholar there D o y ou know an y th in g about .
the u nfortu nate relic ?
h t !
m ot s lt EDI VI VUS .
Wh ere
we re y e, Nymp h s, wh en th e rem o rsel ess d eep
I
v’
Cl osed o er th e h ead of your l o ed Lyci das
'
D O not kno w when I h ave experienced a str ange r se ns e »
o
ti n than on seeing m y ol d f riend G D who h ad
'
, . .
, ,
be en pay ing m e a m orning visit a few Su ndays b ac k ; at ,

~
m y c ot tag e at Islingto n u pon taking leave i n stead of t ur n;

, ,
i n g do w n the right b ahd p ath by w hi ch h e had entered 4

‘
-
-
.
‘
7
27 8 ESSAY S o r
v . EL I A
wit h st aff znlih at 7noonday d el iberately mdzéh
h and h ‘
axi d
'
right for w ards into the m idst o f th e s t r e am t h at r u ns by u s '

,
1 mm i : l th e
-
1 11A ( s
p ec t ac l e lat d u sk Wou ld hav e lb e e n appalli ng
t k e ft h 1s
enough ; bu t i n t h e broad open dayl ight to witness s u ch l , ,
an u nreserved m oti on towards self destru ction in a valu ed

'
-
f fi e n d took 1f ro m me all po wer o f s p e c u l at i o nm 3 o

'
: . .
,
'
; azfl o w I fou nd ( m y f eet I know not
-
Co n s c i o u sn e s s w as .
spirit not m y o w n whi rled m e to the , ,

.
_
spo t 11 [re me m be rmo th i n g b u t the silvery ap p ar i ti o n o f a

. »
'
. i
' '
g o o d
‘
f white h e ad e m e r in
g g ; nigh
'
whic h a sta iff ( the h a nd
'
u n se e n t h a t wielded it ) pointed u pwar ds as f e e ling f o r the , .
ski es “ i n a i m om ent ( i f t im e was in that ti m e ) h e w as o n

»
m y sho u lders and I —freighted with a load m ore preciou s

.
. . . .
,
th an h i s wh o b or e Anchises
z
- '
.
a mAnd here I cannot b u t do j u stic e t o the o ffi c i o u s mail o f

su ndry passe rs~by who albeit arriv i ng a little too l ate to
:
, ,
r t i c i ate fi h the hono u rs of the resc u e i n h il an t h r op i c

p a p p ,
» ;
s h oals cam e thr o ngin g to com m u ni cate th e i r ad vice as to

:
'
1
t h e r eco very prescribing variou sly ;t h e “ applicatio n o r

'
f
,
'
n o n app i ation ; o f salt to the person o the atient
lc f ' ‘
p
-
.
,
was ebb ing f ast away am id st the stifl e : of ~
,
‘
c onfl ict ing j u d gments whe n one m ore saga c io us t han th e

;
, ,
,
ne st by ia bri ght tho u ght proposed sen di ng f o r the D o c t 0 1

, ,
.
{I rrite as E t h e oco u n se l was an d im possible as o n e sho u l d

‘
think to be m issed on shall I conf ess —

a
, ,
,
i a thi s xe m e r ,
-
1-
it was as an ngel had spoken

— G reat pre
g e n c y to m e i f A .
v i ou s exertions and m ine h ad not been inconsiderable

are com m only followed by a d ebili ty o f pu rpose This .
was a m om ent o f irresolu tion

MONOCU LUS—
.
fo r s o i n d e fau l t o f c atching his tru e nam e , , , ,
I choose to desi gnate the medical gentlem an who now

’
'
appeare d is a grave in i d d l e aged p erson w h o witho u t
-
'
-
,
, ,
having stu d ied at t h e coll ege ; or tru ckle d t o th e pedantry ’
o f a dip lo ma h ath em ploy ed a great porti on o f hi s v alu abl e

,
:
ti m e i n e xperimental pr ocesses u pon the bodi es o f un for

. ;
t un at e m w hom the vita l s park t o m er e ,
vul gar t hink ing wo ul d see m ex ti n ct and los t fo r ev er , He . . ) <
o mi t teth p mwc asgo n o f obtru ding his s e

m ce s f rom a oas o, , ,
fi
2 80 L AST E SSAY S ~O F .
E LI A
It was pleasant to observe the eff ec t of the s u bsidin g alarm
I t see m
'
u o n the nerves o f the d ear ab se ntee ed to have
p
.
given a shake to m em ory calling u p n otice after notice , ,
o f a l l the providential deliveran c es he had experienced
in the cou rse o f his l ong and innocent lif e Si tting u p on

m y co u ch—m y cou ch which nake d and void o f f u rnitu re
.
hitherto f o r the salu tary repose which it adm inistered

, ,
shall be hono u red with costly v alan ce at so m e price an d

henceforth be a state bed at Colebrook —
‘
, ,
h e disco u rsed o f
m arvell ou s escapes—b y carelessness o f n u rses—b y pails o f
-
gelid and kettles o f the boilin g elem ent in infancyA—

, by ,
orchard pranks and snapping twigs in schoolboy f 1 clics

, ,
by descent o f tiles at Tru m pi ngto n and o f heavier tom es at

P e m brok e —b y st u dio u s watchings indu cing f rightful v i gi
,
—
,
lance b y want and the fear of want and al l the sore

' '
throbbings o f the learned head —Anon he wou ld bu rst o u t

, ,
—
1
into little fragm ents o f chanting of s ongs l ong ago—ends

-
.
,
o f deliverance hy m ns not rem em bered bef ore since child

,
hood b u t com ing u p now wh en h i s heart was m ade tender

—
, ,
'
' '
as a child s o r the tr emo ord s g in t h e r e t r o s p e ct o f a

f
’
r c i ‘
recent deliverance as i n a case of i m pending danger acting

'
, ,
u o n an innocent heart will p r od u ce a sel f tendernes s which

p
-
, ,
we shoul d do ill to christen cowardice ; and Sh ak s p e ar e ,
in the latter crisis has ade i s good Si r Hu gh to re m e m

m h,
'
ber the sitting by B abylon and to mu tter o f shallow rivers ‘
—
, .
W ate r s o f Si 1 H u gh M iddleton what a spark y o u were

like to have extingu ished for ever ! Y ou r salu brio u s
'
stream s to this City fo r now near two centu ries wou ld

hardly have atoned f o r what y o u w ere in a m om
, ,
ent washi
i n g aw ay
‘
Mockery o f a river liqu id ar ti fi c e —wretched
.
— a
condu it ! hencef orth rank with canal s and slu ggish aqu e
du cts Was it fo r thi s that smit i n boyhood with the
.
,
' '
explorations of that Abyssinian travell er I paced the vales ,
o f Am w ell t o explore y o u 1 t rib u tary springs to trace y ou r ,
salu tary waters sparkling t h r ou gh gr e e n H ertfordshire and

—
u
c u ltu red En fi el d parks —

,
—
Y e have no swans no Nai ads
' ’
no river G od o r did the benevolent hoar y aspect of my

friend tem pt ye to s u ck h i m i n t h a t y e also m igh t have
'
,
the tu telary g eni u s o f y ou r wate rs ?

‘
A M I C U S R E D I VI VU S 28 1
Had h e be en drowned i n Cam there wou ld hav e be en ,

'
s om e conso nancy i n i t ; b u t w h at willow s had y e to w av e

—
~
an d ru stle over his m oist sep u ltu re o r having n o name , ,
besides that u n m eaning assu m ption o f eter nal novi ty did y e ,
think to get one by t h e noble prize an d henceforth to be ,
term ed the ST REAM D YERI AN .
'
An d c oul d su ch s p aci ous vir tue fin d a grave

'
B enea th th e i m p osth umed bu b b l e of a wave
I prote st G eorge y o u shall not ventu re o u t again no —

,
—
not by d aylight withou t a su ffi cient pair of spectacles
, ,
in y ou r m u s i ng m oods especial l y You r absence o f m ind .
we have bor ne till you r presenc e o f body cam e to be

,
cal l ed i n qu estion by it Y o u shall not go wandering into .
Eu ripu s with Aristotle if we can help it F i e m an t o , .

, ,
tu rn dipper at y o u r years after y ou r m any tr acts l n favou r ,
of sprinkling only !
I h ave nothing b u t water i n m y head 0 nights since this ’
frigh tfu l accident Som eti mes I am with Clarence l n his

.
dre am At others I behold Christian beginning t o sink

. , ,
and crying o u t to hi s good brother H opefu l ( that 1 s to m e ) , , ,
I sink i n deep waters ; the bill o w s go over m y head all ,
the waves go over m e S elah Then I have bef ore m e . .
Palinu ru s j u st letting go the s t eerage I cry o u t to o late

to save Next follow —a m ou rnf u l procession —su i ci da
.
,
. .
f a ces
,
saved against their will f ro m drownin g dole f u lly .
trailing a lengt h o f relu ctant grate fu lness with rop y weeds

—
.
pendent from locks o f watchet h u e constrai n ed Laz ari r

P l u to s h alf su bjects—
'
’
stolen f ees from the grave bilking
—
- -
C haron o f his f are A t their head A rion o r is it G D

. . .
~
in } his si nging garm ents m ar c h e th singly with harp in -
hand and votive garland which Machaon ( or D r H awes)

, , .
s n at c h e t h straight intendin g to su spend it to 'the stern

,
Then f ollow dism al stream s o f L e the i n

'
Go d o f S e a
‘
'
.
,
.
which the half drenched on earth are constrained to drown

-
downright by wharfs wher e O phelia twice acts her m u ddy

,
d ea th .
An d dou btless there is so m e notice in that invisibl e

, ,
w orld when o n e o f u s ap p r o ach e t h as riend did

' (
m y f so k
" '
582 LAST -
ESSAY S O F EL I A
'
l ate l y ) to their inexorabl e“ r eein ct s! Wh en a s eal knoc ks
‘
g
r
o nce , t wi ce at D eath s d o c n t h e s en s at i b ii ar oused

’ ’ ’
‘
‘
,
al ac e m u st b e cons id erable ; an d th egri m F a t u re ; b
”
e y
rn sc i e n ee s o o f ten di spossessed o f hi s pr ey , mu st
‘ '
‘
.
l earned b y thi s time to pity T antal u s .

ff “ 7 ‘
A p u lse assu redly was f elt al ong the h n e b f th e Elysian

’ ’
shades when th e near arrival of G D W913 sh n o u n c e d by

, . .
n o e qu ivoca
.
l in di cations From their s eats of Asphodel

a1 ose the gentler an d the graver ghosts—poet, or hi stori an
»
o—f '
G r e cian er o f R o m an lo re—to crowi i w ith unfadm g
ivirtii es
l
of
1 1m 1
‘
3
SOME SONNET S O S I R
F f P HI LIP SYD NEY .
D NEY S SONNE T S spe ak o f t h e best eff thems

’ ‘
' -
a r e am ong t h e ve ry b e s t o f their sort Th ey fall bel o w

'
.
,
t h e pl ain moral d ignity , the sanctity , and high y et m od est

“
'
‘
r o v al of Milto n , in his co mposi ti ons o f : a

s pir it o f Self ap p W
-
sim ilar stru ctu re d They are in tru th wh at Milton, cen

su rin g the Ar cadi a, say s o f that work ( to which they are a
, , .
”
SOI t
’
4 t
0f af ter
u ne o r a pplic-
ation
) v a i n an d am atori ou s
r
~
, .
'
e n o u gh s y et the thi ngs in th eir kind ( as he i conf ess e s to be

: -
true o f wt h e mo mance) may be f ull o f worth an d

:
'
; :
‘
The y savou r o f the Cou rti er it m u st be allowed and n o t ,

‘
o f l t h O Co m mo nw eal th s m an
u B u t Mi lton Was a Cou rtier . v
, 2 84 L AST ESS A Y S OF E LI A ! 1
Au t D eu s, mens te rti a coeli

au t vac ui c er te 1
Per t ua s ecreto gu tt ura s erp i t agens ;

Serp i t age ns fac il i squ e d o cet m or tal ia cor ds
.
Bensi m im mo rtal i aseuesce re p osse so no .
'
Q uo n SI 0111101011 0111111111 DEUS EST, m m CU NGr AQUE FUSUS,

O
l
I N TE UNA L QUI TUR, OM ERA mu m s 114111111 1

.
Th i s is loving in a strange fashion ; and it requ ires som e

candou r o f const ru ction ( besides the slight darkening o f a
dead langu age) to cast a veil over the u gly appearance o f
som ething very like blasphe m y in the last two verses I .
think the L over wo uld hav e been staggered i f he had gone

abou t to express the sam e tho u ght in E nglish I am s u re .
Sydney h a s no flights like this H is extravaganz as do not .
strike at the sky thou gh he takes leave to adopt the pale

,
D ian into a f ellowship with his m ortal passions
With h o w sad step s, 0 Moon, h o u c lim b s t th e skies t ’
t
Ho w s il e n l y ; an d wi h h o w wan a M e ! t
Wh a ! m ay i t b e , t h at e ven i n h ea e nl y p l ace
t v
Th at b usy Arch e r h i s sh arp arro w ri es ? t
S ure , i f h a l on g with l ove acqu ai nted eye s
t t - - -
v t
Can j ud ge o f l o e . h o u feel s t a l o er s case
’
v ’
I read it i n th y l o ok s ; th y l angu ish t grace

To me, th at fee l th e l ik e , th y state d es cr i es .
Th e n , e ve n o f fell o ws h i p , 0 Moon , t el l me,

t v
I s con stan l o e d eem d h e re b u t wan t o f wi t
’
t
Are b eau ti es th e r e as p ro u d as h e re th ey b e ?
v v
D o th e y abo e l o e to be l o ed , and y e t v
T h l wh m h l d h t t
s ? t
th ere —ng atef
ose o vers scorn , o a ove o p o ss e s
t
D o h ey cal l c i rtue u r u l ness !
The l ast line o f this poe m is a little obscu re d by trans

pos ition H e m eans D o they call u ngratefu lness there a
.
,
virtu e
Co me , Sl e ep , 0 Sl e ep th e c e r tain k n ot o f p eac e ,
,
Th e t
bai ing p l ac e o f wi t, th e b al m o f woe,
-
Th e m l h ; h i l
’
t
’
p o o r a n s w e a t e
p r s on e r s re e ase ,
Th e i n d iffe r en t ju dge b e t we en t h e h i gh and l o w ;

SO M E SO N N E T S O F SI R P HI LI P S Y D NE Y 285
Wi th shi el d o f m e from o u t th e p reas e

p ro o f sh i el d
”
O f th o se fi erce d ar ts d es p ai r at me d o th h ro w t
0 mak e 1n me th o s e ci il war s to c ease v .
I wi l l good tri b u te p ay if t h o u do so .
T ak e t h ou o f m e swee t p ill o ws , s weete s b e d t

A c h am b er d e af to no i s e , and bli nd t o li g h t ;
A rosy gar l and , and a we ary h ead .
A nd if t h ese t h ings , as b e i n g t hi n e b y r igh t ,

Mo ve n o t t h y h ea y gr ac e , th o u s h al t i n m e ,
v
Li ve l ier t h an el se wh e re , S TELL A S i m age see
’
.
Th e c u ri o us wi ts se e i n g
d u l l p e n s1ven ess
,
B ewray i t se l f i n m y l on g s e ttl e d ey es, -
Wh ence h o s e sam e fum es o f m el anch ol y ri se,

t
Wi th i dl e pain s, an d m i ssi ng aim , d o guess
'
.
S om e , th at lw ow h o w m y sp r i ng I di d add r e ss ,
D e em th at my Mus e som e frui t o f k no wl edge p l i es
O th e rs, becau se t h e Prin ce my ser vi ce t ri e s,
Th i nk , h at I h in k s ate er ro r s t o redr e ss ;
t t t
B u t h arde r j u dge s j u d ge, ambi i on s r age , t ’
S c o ur ge o f i tse l f , s ti l l c l i m bi ng sl i p p ery p l ac e ,
H ol d s m y you ng b rai n c ap ti v d in g o l den cage
’
.
v
O fo o l s, o r o er wi se ! al as, t h e r ace
-
t
O f al l m y th ough s h ath n ei th e r st op n o r star , t
B u t o nl y S TELLA S e y e s, and STELLA S h e art
’ ’
.
B ec ause I of t i n dark abstra c te d g ui se

S e e m m o s t al o n e i n g reat e s t co m p any ,
Wi t h d ear h o f word s , or an s we rs qu i te awry ,
t
t
To h e m th at woul d m ak e sp ee c h o f s p ee ch ar ise
Th ey d e em , an d of t h ei r doom th e rum o ur fl i es ,
T h at p o i so n foul o f b ubbl in g P r i de d o th l i e
’
S o i n m y s we l l ing b reast , t h at onl I y

Fawn o n my sel f, and o th e rs d o d esp is e ;
t
Ye t P r i d e I h i nk , do th n ot m y soul p oss ess,
,
Wh ich l oo k s too o ft in h is unfl a te rin g gl ass : t

But o ne w or se faul t Am bi ti on I confes s, — —
T h at mak es m e o ft my es t fri end s o erp ass, b v
Unsee n, u nh eard wh i l e T h ou gh t to h ig h es t p l ac e
-
Bends al l hi s p o wers, e ven un o S TELLA S grac e :

’
t
2 86 L AST E SSA Y S O F n ELI A A
l "
21 1! 4 11 . h un t
’
, t
'
Havi ng th i s d ay , my h o r se , m y h and, my l ance,

,
‘
1
G ui d ed so well t h at I o b tai ned th e p ri ze, a t 1 -
—
B o th b y th e j u dgment o f th e En gli s h eyes ,
A n d o f so m e sent fr om th at Sweet en emy . F rance , ,
Horse me n my Sk il l in h orsem an sh i p ad vanc e

'
To wn sfo l k my str en gt h ; a dai ntie r j u d ge ap p l i e s

H i s p rai se to sl e i gh t, whi c h fro m goo d use do th ris e ~ ‘
t
S ome l ucky wi s i m p u te i t b u t to c h ance ;
“
O t h e r s, b ecaus e of bo th sides I do tak e 1 [

.
My b l oo d fro m th e m , wh o d i d ex c e l i n t hi s,
Thi nk Natur e m e a man o f ar m s d i d m ak e .
Ho w far th e y sh o t awry ! th e tr u e cau se is ,

‘
S TE LLA l oo k d o n; an d f ro mh e r h eavenl y fac e

’
S e n t fo r th th e be ams wh i c h made! so fai r m y rac e .
I n marti al sports I h ad my cu nn i ng tr ie d ,
A n d y e t t o break m o re s a e s d id m e ad d ress , tv
Wh i l e with th e p eop l e s sh outs (I must con fess )
.
’
Yo u th , l uck, an d p ra i se , e ven fil l d my ei ns wi th p ri d e v
’
l
Wh en Cup id h a i ng m e (h i s sl ave ) d e scrie d I

v ,
. .
’
v
I n Mar s s l i ery p ranc in g i n rth e pr e ss
,
Wh at n o w, S i r said h e ; f I wo ul d n o 1e Ss
c
‘
“
. .
,
’
Look h er e , I say I l oo k d , .
I
-
Wh o h ard b y mad e a wind o wé end forth l i gh t

. .
My h ear t t h em qu ake d p th en d az zl e d were mi ne eyes

'
.
’
O ne h an d forg o t to ru l e , th o t h er to fi gh t
N or tru m p et s so u n d I h ear d , n or fr ien dl y c ri es
’
.
My foe cam e on, and b e at th e ai r for m e

Til l h at h er b l u sh s l at e m e my sham to See
t
No more , my d e ar , no m o re th e se coun sel s tr y , n -
0 gi ve m y p assi ons l eave to ru n th ei r race ; a 1
Let Fo rt una l ayi mm e h er w o rs t d i s g race

’ ‘
'
Le t fol k o erch argied w i th b rai n agai nst me c ry
’
Let cl ou ds b e di m y f ace , b reak i n m i n e eye m

Le t m e n o step s , , b u t o fa l o s t l ab our , tr ace ;5
Le t al l t h e c ar ti nwi t h tscor n r eco u n t my case
B ut d o n ot wil l m e fr o m m y l o ve to fl y .
I d o not en vy A ri s to t l e s wi t
’
.
,
'
N or d o asp ire to C aesar s b l ee d i ng f ame 1 1
’ “
v
Nor h Op e wis h , an o th er cour se to frame ,

, n or
B ut th at whi ch on ce m ay wi n th y cru el h eart

Th o u art m y wi t , an d th ou m y i rt ue art v .
2 88 L AST E S S A Y S or E LI A -
t
0 h ap p y Th ames, h at di dst my STELLA bear,
I saw th ysel f. wi th many a smil i ng li ne
Up on th y ch eerful face, J oy s li very wear ,
’
Whi l e th ose fair p l an e s 611 th y s reams d id shine

t t
T h e b oat for j oy co ul d no t to dance forb ear,
Wh il e wan on wi nds , wi th b eau y so d i ine
t t v
Ravis h d, s tay d no t, til l i n h er gol de n h air
’ ’
Th ey di d th ems el ves (0 s weetes p rison) wine

’
t t .
And fain th ose E o l s youth th ere wo u l d th ei r s tay

v
Ha e mad e ; b ut, for ced b y nat ure st il l to fly, «
Fi rst di d wi th p u ffi ng ki ss h ose l o cks di sp l ay t .
S h e , so dis h evel l d , b l us h d ; fr om wi n dow I

’ ’
Wi th si gh t th ereof c ri ed ou t, 0 fair dis grace ,

’
t
Le t H onou r s sel f to h e e gran t h i gh est p l ace 1
’
H igh way yo u my c h i ef Parnassus be

, s in ce
t
And h at m y Muse , to so m e e ars no t u nsweet,
T emp ers h er word s to ram p l in g h orses fee
’
t t ,
N o w bl e ss ed You b ear o n war d b l es sed Me

To Her, wh er e I my h ear safe l eft sh al l mee , t t
My Mus e an d I m us t yo u o f d u y gre et t
Wi th h an k s an d wi s h es, wi sh in g th ank full y
t .
t
B e you s ill fai r , h onour d b y p ub l i c h eed ,
’
B y no encro ach m e n t wron g d, nor t i me forgo ;

’
t
N or b l amed for bl o od n or sh am ed fo r si n ful
,
An d h at y ou k no w, I en vy you n o l o t
t
O f h i gh es t wi sh , I wi sh yo u so m u c h bl i ss ,
Hundr eds o f year s yo u STELLA s fee m ay k i ss ’

t .
Of the foregoing the fi rst the second and th e

, , ,
sonnet are m y favo u rites B u t the general beau ty o f them

,
.
all is that they are so perfectl y characteristical Th e

spirit o f learning and o f chivalr y —
.
,
o f which u nion
“ ’’ f‘
,
Spen ser has entitled Sydney to h ave been the president

”
—
,
shines throu gh th orn I conf ess I can see nothing o f the

s
” '
jej u ne or fri gid in them ; m u ch less o f the s tifl and
cu m brou s which I have som eti m es heard objected to
-
.
th e Arcadia The v erse ru ns o ff swiftly and

.
m ight have bee n tu n ed to the tru m pet ; o r

him self expresses it) to tram pling h orses “ ’
abo u nd l n f eli c i to u s phrases

S O M E SO N N E T S o r S I R P HI L I P SY D NEY 2 89
O h o av nl y Fo ol . th y mo st ki s s wor th y face
’
-
8 th So nnet,
S wee t pil l o ws , s weetest bed ,
A ch amber d eaf to no is e, and b li nd t o l i ght ,
2nd S on/mt .
5th S onnet .
B ut they are not rich in words only in vagu e and n u

l ocali s ed f eelings—
,
the failing too m uch o f som epoetry o f the

—
present day they are full m aterial and circ um stantiated ”
, , .
Ti m e and place appropriates eve r y one o f them It is n o t .
a fever o f pas sion wasting itsel f u pon a thin d i et o f dainty

words b u t a transcendent passion pervading and illu m inat
,
ing action p u rsu its stu dies f eats o f arm s the opinions o f
, , , ,
conte m poraries and his j u dgm ent o f them An historical

, .
thread ru ns throu gh them which alm ost affi xes a date to ,
the m ; m arks the when and wher e they were written .
I have d w elt the longer u pon wha t I conceive the m erit

o f these poe m s becau se I have been h u r t by the wanton
,
ness ( I wish I co u ld treat it b y a gentler nam e) with

whi ch W H takes every occasion o f insu lting the m e m ory
. .
o f Si r P hilip Sy dney B u t the decisions o f the Au thor o f

.
Table Talk &c ( m ost profou nd and s u btle where they are
, .
,
as fo r the m ost part j u st) are m ore saf ely to be relied ,

’
u pon o n s u bjects and au thors he has a partiality f o r than

, ,
o n s u ch as he has conceiv ed an accidental prej u dice against .
Milto n wrote sonnets and was a king hater ; and it was ,

-
congenial perhaps t o sacrifi ce a co u rtier to a patriot B u t .
I was u nw i lling to l o s e a fi ne i dea f rom m y mind The .
n oble i m ages passions senti m ents and poet i cal delicacies

, , ,
o f character scatt ered all over t h eA rcadia ( spite o f so m e

,
stiff ness and encu m berm ent) j u stify to m e the character ,

.
which his conte m poraries have lef t u s o f the writer I

'
[
.
'
think with the Orztzc that Si r Phil ip Sy dney
'
c annot ,
was that opp r obr i ous thi ng which a f oolish noblem an 1n his
i nsolent hosti lity c h o Se t o term h i m I call to m ind the .
epitaph m ade o n h i m to guide m e to j us s r thou gh ts o f ,

..
’
h i m and I repo se u pen t h e beau tifu l lines i n the F riend s
,
‘ “
LAST I E SSA Y S O F E LI A
”
~2
90 Q
wi fth th é El e gies
'
'
'
Passion fo r his As t mp h sl fl x p r inte dfl

"
.
’
i ‘
Spens er an d o thers
You k ne w h ak now not fi w l

“
- i el 7 sh o
-
.
an ( ”M b
( Th at I sh o ul d ‘
l i vs to Say T
’
kn w
A nd h a e n ot i s v as ca m
ra l l
‘ ‘
fi d 3‘ m
” ‘
g
Th i n s kno wn p ermi t m e to r ene w
‘
. I canno t say — you h ear — to o muc h .
Hé c hi ef d eli h t and
g Nw :
e s tookf
a 3 w al ls a
And o n th e m o untai n Parthen

1L
y
Up onth e orystal i qu i d brook;
’
Th e Mu
l
se s met bi n? every (l ay,
L
I ; “
. t
Th a taugh t h i m gf to wri te andsay
s in
r
,
J fi n I
‘
f
'
l
ow l ”i n . fin i s h i s )
f
” M ma
o
mo rt al breas t b efore ,
,
In
r
an y 51 a ? 1
< Di d never Muse i nsp i re bessat , f “

, (h i m 7
~
m ~m
i 3
. mania
'
292 L AST
‘
ESSAY S O F . EL I A
Mi dd l e t o ni an str eam —
l t o its scatu rient source, as w e h ad
'
ead in m eadows by f air Am well Gallantl y did we c om

—
“
r , .
'
m ence o ur sol itary qu est fo r it was essential to the
dignity o f a D I SCO V ERY that no eye o f schoolboy save ou r
, ,
own shou ld beam on the detection B y fl owery spot s }

,
.
and v erd ant lanes skirting H ornsey H ope trained u s on ,
in m any a b afll i n g tu rn ; endless hopeless m eanders as , ,
it seemed ; or as i f the jealou s waters had dodged u s r e ,
l u c tan t to hav e the hu m ble spot o f their nativity revealed ;

till spent and nigh fam ished before set o f the sam e s u n
, , ,
we sate down som ewhere by Bowes Farm near Totte nh am ,
with a tithe o f o u r proposed labou rs only yet accom pli shed ;

sorely convinced in spirit that that B ru ci an enterprise w as ,
as yet t o o a r du ou s f o r o u r you ng shou lders .
Not m ore ref reshing to the thi rsty cu riosity of th e

traveller is the tracing o f som e m ighty waters u p to th eir '
shall ow fontlet than it is to a pleased and candid reader to

,
go back to the inexperienced essays the fi rst call ow flights ,
in au thorship of som e established nam e in literatu re ; f rom

,
‘
the Gnat which prelu ded to the ZEn e i d to the D u c k w h i ch ,

l
Samu el J ohnson trod on .
In those day s every Morning Paper as an essential

, ,
’
retainer to its establishm ent kept an au thor who was , ,
bou nd to furnish daily a qu antu m o f witty paragraphs

—
Sixpence a jok e and i t was tho u ght pretty high too l w as -
.
D an Stu art s settled rem u n eration i n these cases The chat

—
’
—
.
of t e h d ay scandal b ut above all d

,
r ess f u r n ished the
, ,
‘
m aterial The length o f no paragraph was to exceed seve n

.
lines Shorter they m ight be b u t they m u st be poignant

.
, .
A fashion o f fl esh o r rather p i nk colo u red hose f or th e

,
-
'
ladies l u ckily co m i ng u p at the j u nctu re when we were

,
on o u r probation fo r the place o f Chief J ester to S s Paper .

’
established o ur rep u tation in that line We were p r o .
”
n o u n ced a capital hand 0 the conceits whi ch we varie d .
u pon r ed in all its pris m atic di ff erences ! f rom the trite

‘
and obviou s fl ower o f Cy therea to the fla m ing cost u m e o f ,
the lady that has her sitting u pon m any waters Then .
”
there was the collateral te pic o f ankles What an c oc a .

‘
'
s i o n to a t r ue l y chaste writer
s ~
like oursel f o f to u c h ing , ,
o
‘
fl
N EW SP A P E R S TH I RT Y FI VE -
Y E A RS A G O 2 93
that nice brink and y et never tu m bling over it o f a seem

, ,
i ngl y ever approxi m ating so m ething not qu ite proper

whi le like a skil f ul postu re m aste r balancing betwixt
,
-
decoru m s and their opposites he keeps the line from , ,
whi ch a hair s breadth deviation is destru ction ; hovering

’
-
i n the con fi nes o f light and darkness or where both seem ,
either ; a haz y u ncertain delicacy ; Au tolycu s like in the

”
-
Play still p u tting o ff his expectant au ditory with Wh o op

, ,
’
”
do m e no harm good m an ! B u t above all that concei t
, ,
'
arrided u s m ost at that t i m e and still tickles o ur m i d r i fl ,
—
to rem em ber where allu sively to the fl ight o f Astraea
,
ul ti ma Owl es tztm ter m s r el i gui t

,
w e prono u nced —
i n reference
t o the stockings still —that Momm y TAKI N G HER FI N AL ,
'
LEAVE OF MO R T A LS HER L AS T B LU S H WAS VI SI B LE I N HER

,
ASCENT To THE H EAV EN S B Y TH E TR ACT or THE G LO WI N G '
I N STEP This m ight be called the crowning conceit : an d

.
was esteem ed tolerable writin g in those days .
B u t the f ashion o f jokes with all other things passes , ,
away ; as did the transient m ode which had so favou red u s .
The ankles o f o u r f air friends i n a few weeks began to

reass u m e their whiteness and left u s scarce a leg to stand ,
u pon . Other f e m ale whi m s followed b u t none m etho u ght , , ,
so pregnant so invitatory of shrewd conceits an d m ore

, ,
than single m eani ngs .
Som ebody has said that to s w allow six cross bu ns daily

,
-
consecu tively fo r a fortn ight wou ld su rfeit the stou test ,
di gestion B u t t o have to fu rnish as m any j ok es dail y

.
,
an d that n o t f o r a f o r tnight b u t f o r a long twelve m onth , ,
as we were constrained t o do was a little harder exaction , .
Man goeth forth to his work u ntil the evening ”

from a - !
reasonabl e hou r in th e m orning we presu m e it was m eant ,
Now as o u r m ain occu pation took u s u p fro m eight til l

,
fi v e every day in the City ; and as ou r evening hou rs at ,
that tim e o f li fe had generally to do w i th anyt hing rather

,
than bu siness it follows that the only tim e we co u ld spare

, ,
fo r this m anu f actory o f jokes o u r su pple m entar y livel ihood -
that su pplied u s in eve ry wan t beyond m ere bread and

chees e—
‘
was exactly that part o f t h e day which (as w e ,
hav e h eard o f No Man s Land) m ay b e fi tl v denom i nated

.
’
'
294 .
~
L A ST ESSAY S ' '
O F ELI A l H
’
‘
. Hf
No Man s T im e ; ’
:ti m e in whic h a tm an c u h t to
g
be Al p an d aw ak e i n To sp e ak m or e plainl y i t i s that
, .
,1 .
-
,
.
ti me o f an h Ol l l g O l an ”hou r and a half s d urati on in whic h

,
‘ ‘
t
’
,
’
.
a man whose occas ions call h i m u p so pr e p o sit e r o u s l y h as

, ,
1
to Wait fo r his breakfast

0 tho se h e ad aches a t dawn o f day when at fi v e o r h al f
.
' -
, ,
p v e i n s u mm e r k
'
ast fi ;an d not m u ch late r l n the da i , }
,
‘
season s w e were c ompelled to ;rise h av i n g b e e n p erhap s ?

‘
'
—
.
, ;
not a bove f o u r ho u rs i n b é d { f o n w e w e r e no
g o
‘
to beds u - -
with t h e l am b ; thou gh we anticipated the lark o ft i me s in

' '
—
g .
'
her r i i é w e like a ar ti n g c u p at m idnight as all you n :
s n
g p '
g '
,
m e n d i d f b e fo r e these efi e m i n ate
a
-
‘
to hav e o ur o
‘
“ '
1 .
fr iend s ab o u t u s w e w e r e n o t constel lated u nder Aquari u l

'
‘ ‘
-
q-
that watery sign a n d the refore i n c ap ab l e o f B ac ch u s c old

washy bloodless—
”
s
, , ,
.
—
w e were none o f y o u r B as i l i an wa t er
‘
- f
,
sponges nor h ad ; tak en o ur d egrees at Mou nt Agu e w e

'
‘
J
‘
' 1 -
were right toping Capu l et s j o l l y com panions we an d ~r’ ~ ' ‘

'
they) —
, ,
b u t t o hav e t o tge t up ; as we s ai d b e fo r e c u r tai l ed

'
—
' ‘
‘
z
,
o f h alf o u r fai r sl ee p ; f ast i n g with only a di m l v i s ta of r e

' ' :
; .
,
freshing bohe a in t h e distanc e tc? be n e c essitate d t o r o u s

'
’ g
e
o u rselve s at th e detestab le r ap o f an old b ag of ado mestic, g

‘ “
w h o seem ed to take a d i ab o l i c al p l easu r e i n h er annou nce V

'
i -
”
m ent that it was , tim e 1 to ri se ; an d whose chapp y
“ ?
knu ckles we have o ften yearned to ampu tate and string '
,
i
t h e in u p at o u r c h am b e ro d o o r to be a terro r to al l s u ch
l
: f
,
u nseason abl e res t breakers in f u tu re i 1 m o re

' '
-
. 1 ;
9
Fac i l j an d m s w e e t g as Virgil sings h ad been th e

’’ ’ r
r
,
desc endi ng frof t h e o ver night balm y the fi rst s i n k i ng l o f ’

f
‘
-
the oh eavy h e ad su pe nl t h e pillo w ; b u t t o get u p ; as he g o es

‘
111 1 9 111 — t ev Oh
"
.
le
‘
/ id su era
ST A m
P s que
m
'
evadere ad auras
i
{ U
'
l l m am a
“ I d 311 ” a n a l y ze . u
an d , zt o; m or e o ve r s t o m ak e jokes w it h s m al i c e p r o i
t “
—
1e
g c up , ’
-
”
p ended Ewth ér e1m a8 th e fit labou r, th er e th e wor
3 ‘
.
' '
e l ill alllgyipt i an tas k mgl s t e r ever de v ised a sl avery l ik e to i
'
'
q
f om h alffi t h e st yr an ny l whi c mt his necessity exercised u pon

.
us v Hal fit m d o zen rj es ts in a nday , (h at i n g Sun day s t o m)

Wh y p cit f s ee ms n oth in g!vsWdtmake t wi c e th e nu mb er ever y
‘
2 96 r
LAST E SSA Y S o r E LIA
th e tim e ; nor was i t easy to be detected when t he thing
1 .
,
'
cam e out advantaged by type and letterpress He had .
better have m e t anything that m orning t han a Co m m on . .
Co u ncil Man H is services were shortly after dispensed

.
w ith ; on the plea that hi s paragraphs o f late had been

. .
defi cient i n poin t Th e o n e in qu estion it m u st be owned . .

, ,
had an air i n t h e opening especially p r o p e r t o awaken

, ,
'
c uriosity ; and the sentim ent o r m oral wears the aspect , .

,
o f h u m anity and good neighbo u rly f eeling B u t so m e .
how the conclu sion was not j udged altogether to answer

t o the m ag n i fi c e n t pro m ise o f the pre m i s es
i We traced . .
o u r f riend s pen af ter w ards i n the Tr ue B r i ton the S tar

’
, ,
the 1 m vel l ei f rom all which he was su ccessivel y dis

’
,
-
m issed t h e P roprietors having

,
no f u rther occasion fo r
his services Nothing was easier than to detect h i m
. . .
When w i t f ailed or topics ran low there constantly , ,
appeared the follo w in g I t i s no t gener all y kno wn that th e

'
B al l s a t the P a wnbr o kers s hop s ar e th e anci ent

’
thr e e B l u e
’
a r ms of L o mbar dy Th e L ombar ds wer e the fi r s t money br oker s

.
.
i n Eur op e Bob has d ene m ore to set the pu blic l i ght on

this i m p 01 t an t poin t o f b l azonry, than the whole College
o f H eralds .
Th e app o i n tm e n t o f a reg u lar wit ha s long ceas ed to be

a part o f t h e e c o n o m y o f a Morning P aper
,
E ditors fi n d
’
,
.
,
,
their o w n jokes o r do as well withou t the m P arson E ste ,

, ,
'
and Topham brou ght u p the set c u sto m o f witty para

,
graphs fi rst in the Wor l d

”
Roaden w as a reigning . .
paragraphist in his day and su cceeded p oo r A l l e n in the “

,
l
Or acl e B u t as we said the f ashion o f Hj o k e s p assé s

.
, ,
away ; and i t wo u ld be di ffi cu lt to discover in the b i o

graphe r o f Mr s Siddons any traces o f th at vivacity and .
,
'
f ancy which charm ed the who l e to w n at the co m m ence

m ent o f the p r e s e n t c e n tu 1y E ven the prel u s ive d e l i
—
, . e
.
—
cacies o f the present writer the cu rt As traean allu sion
wou ld be thou ght pedan tic and o u t o f date in these ; , .
From t h eofli c e
the Morni ng Post (forwe may as well of .
exhau st o ur Ne w s pap e r B emi ni s ce n ce s at once ) by change

.
'
o f property in the pape r we were tr ansf erred m ortif ying , ,

NE W SP AP E R S TH I RTY FI VE Y E A R S AG O
'
-
2 97
'
x a ge ! to
e ch n offi ce
the Albi on Newspap er late
th e of
“
Rac k s tr o w s Mu seum i n F l e e t S treet

’
What a transition
, .
fr o m a handso m e apartm ent f ro m rosewood desks and

silver inkstands to an o ffi c e —no o ffi ce b u t a d en rather
,
, , ,
b u t j u st redee m ed from the occu p ation o f dead m onsters

o f m —
which it see ed redolent from the centre o f loyalty
,
and fashion to a focu s o f v u lgarity and sedition ! H ere

,
in m u rky closet inadequ ate from its s qu are contents to

,
the receipt o f the two bodies o f Editor and hu m ble para

graph m aker together at on e tim e sat in the discharge o f
-
, ,
hi s n e w editorial fu nctions ( the B 1go d o f E lia the r e

)
dou bted J ohn Fenw ick .
F witho u t a gu inea in hi s pock et and havin g le f t not

.
, ,
m any in the pockets of his friends who m he m ight c o m 7

m and had p u rchased ( on tick dou btless ) the whole and
, ,
sole E ditorship Proprietorship with all th e rights and

, ,
titles ( su ch as they were worth) o f the Albi on f ro m one

L ovell o f w ho m we know nothin g save that he had stood ,
in the pillory f o r a libel on the Prince o f Wales With

this hopeless concern—fo r it h ad been sinking ever since
.
its com m encem ent and cou ld n o w reckon u pon n o t m ore

—
,
than a hu ndred s u bscribers F resolu tely determ ined u pon .
pu lling down the G overnm ent in the fi rst instance and ,
m aking both o u r f o r t u n es by w ay o f corollary F o r seven .
weeks and m ore did this in fatu ated dem ocrat go abou t
borrowing seven shilling pieces and lesser coin to m eet
-
, ,
the daily dem ands o f the St am p Office which allowed no ,
cr edit to p u blications o f that s ide in politics An ou tcast .
f ro m politer bread we attached o u r s m all talents to th e

,
f orlorn fortu nes o f o u r f riend Ou r occ u pation n o w was to .
write trea son

—
.
Recollectio s o f eelings which were all th a

n f t now r e
m ained f ro m o ur fi rst bo y ish heats kindl ed by the F rench
Revolu tion when if we were m isle d we erred m th e co m
, , ,
p an y o f so m e who are acco u nted very good m e n now
—
rather th an any te ndency at th is tim e to Repu blican doc
tr ines as sis ted u s in ass u m in g a style of writi ng while ,
the paper l asted cons onant in no v ery undertone to th e

,
r ig ht e rne st f anaticis m of F Ou r on e was now to

a .
2 98 L A ST E SSA YS O F ELI A H
M
insin u ate rath e r than recomm end
, ,
Blocks axes Whitehall tribu nals

flow ers o f so cu nni n g a periphrasis —as Mr Bayes says
, , ,
never nam ing the thi ng directly—that the keen eye of an

.
,
At torney G eneral was i nsu fficient to d etect the l u rking

-
snake am ong th em There were ti m es inde ed when we

.
, ,
sighe d fo r o u r m ore gentlem an like occu pation u nder Stuart -
B u t with change o f m asters it i s ever chang e o f service .
Already one paragraph and another as we learned af ter , ,
wards fro m a gentlem an at the Treasu ry had b egu n to be '

,
m arked at that o ffice with a view o f its being su b m itted

—
,
least to the attentio o the proper a O e s when an

n f L w ffi c r
u nl u ck y or rather l u cky ep i gram f ro m o u r pen ai m ed at

, ,
Si r J sM h who was on the eve o f departing fo r

,
India to reap the fr u its o f his apostacy as F pronou nced ,

.
it (it i s hardly worth particu larizi ng happening to o ff end

, ,
the nice sense o f Lo rd ( or as he t hen delighted to be called ,
Citizen) Stanhope deprived F at once o f the last hopes o f

,
.
a gu inea f rom the last patron that had stu ck by u s ; and

breakin g u p ou r establishm ent left us to the saf e b u t som e , ,
what m ortif ying neglect o f the Cro wn L aw y ers It was

, .
abou t this ti m e or a little earlier that D an Stu art made

, ,
that cu rio u s conf essi on to u s that h ehad never d el i b é: ,
r at e l wal k ed into an E xhibitio n at So m erset H o use m h is

y
l i fe .
BARREN N E SS OF THE I M AGINA TIVE FACULTY

I N THE PRO D UCTION S OF MOD ERN ART
i
OGARTH excepted can we produ ce an y o n e pain ter ,
w ithin the last fi f ty years , 01 since the h um o ur o f ex

h i b i t i n g b egan , that has treated a story i ma gi n a ti vel ?
y By
'
this we m ean u pon wh om his su bject has so acted that it
m
, ,
'
has seem ed to direct hi not to be arranged by h i m ? Any
’
-
‘
u pon W hom its leading or collateral points have i m pressed

th em selve s so tyr aii n i c all y , that h e dared n ot treat it other
wis e ; lest h e sho u ld fal si fy a revel a ti on ? An y th at as
h
go o L AST . ESSA YS p p r EL I A
acceptance The bro ken heart fo r Theseu s w as n o t l i k ely

.
to be pieced u p by a God .
We have before u s a fi n e ro u gh p 1 int from a pictu re by ,
Raphael i n t h e Vatican It 1s the Pre s en tat 1o n o f the n e w

.
born E v e to Adam by the Alm ighty A fai i e r m othe 1 o f .
m an kind we m igh t 1 m agine and a goodlier sire perhaps o f ,
m e n since bo 1 n B u t these are m atte 1 s su bordinate to the

.
co nception o f the si tuati on displayed in this extraordinary ,
prod u c ti on A tolerable m odern artist wo u ld have been

.
satisfi ed with tem pering certain raptu res o f connu bial anti
c i p ati o n with a s u itable acknowledg m ent to the G i ver o f
,
the blessing in the co u ntenance o f the fi rs t bride groom

,
so m ething like the divided attention o f the child (Adam was

he r e a chi ld m an ) be tween the given toy and t h e m o the r
-
who had j u st blest it with the bau ble This is the obvio u s .
,
the fi rs t sight view the s u perfi cial An artist o f a higher

-
,
.
grade consideri n g the awfu l presence they were in wou ld

, ,
h av e tak en care to su btrac t som ething f1 o m the e x p i e s s i o n

o f the m ore h u m an passion and to heighte n the m ore ,
spiritu al o n e This wou ld be as m u ch as an exhibition goer

.
-
fro m th e opening o f So m erset H o u se to last y ear s s how has

’
been encou raged to l ook f or 'I t is obvio u s to hint at a

lower express i on yet in a p i ctu re that fo r respects o f
, ,
drawing and colou ring m ight be d ee m ed not wholly inad ,
m issible withi n these ar t fostering walls in which the rap -
tu res shou ld be as ninety nine the gratitu de as o n e o r -
, ,
perhaps zero ! By neither the o n e passion nor the other

has Raphael expo u nded the situ ation o f Adam S ingl y .
u pon his brow sits the absorbing sense o f wonder at the
created m iracle The moment is seized by the intu i tive

.
artist perhaps n o t self consc i o u s o f his art in which neither

—
-
, ,
o f the con fli cting e m oti ons

,
a m o m ent h o w abstracted
have had ti m e to spring u p or t o battle fo r indecoro u s m as

t ery —
,
We have seen a landsc ape o f aj u stly adm i red neoteric -
in which he aim ed a t deline ating a fi cti on o n e o f the m os t

severely beau tifu l in an tiquity—the garden s o f the H es p e
.
,
rides To do Mr
. j u stice he had painted a lau dable
.
,
orchard with fi tting seclu sion and a veritable dragon (o f

,
whi ch a P olyphem e by P ouss in is so m eh ow a fac si m ile f o r

,
,
,
—
T HE P R O D U C T I O N S O F M O D E RN A RT 3 0 1
the situation ) looking over into the world shu t o u t back

,
”
wards so that none b u t a still clim bing H erc u les cou ld
,
-
h Op e to catch a peep at the a dm ired Ternary o f Re cl u ses .
No con ventu al porter co u ld keep his keys better than this

c u stos with the lidless eyes H e not only sees that none
“
.
d o in tru de into tha t privacy b ut as clear as day light that , , ,
none b u t Her cul es ant D iabol us by any m anner o f m e a ns can .
So far all I S well We have abso l u te soli t u de here o r no

.
where Ab extr a the dam sels are s u n g eno u gh B u t here

,
'
.
the artist s co u rage see m s to h av e fai l e d h im H e began to

’
.
pity his pretty charge and to co m fort the irkso m eness has , , ,
peopled their solitu de with a bev y o f fair attendants m aids ,
o f hono u r o r ladies o f the bed cha m ber according to the

,
-
appr oved etiqu ette at a cou rt o f the nineteenth centu ry ;

giving to the whole scene the air o f a f ete champ etr e i f we -
will b u t excu se the absence o f the gentlem e n This is well .

,
and Wat t eau i s h B u t what i s beco m e o f the solitary

m y stery—the
.
D au gh ters th r ee ,
Th a t sin g arou n d th e g o l den tr e e
This i s n o t the way in which P o u ssin wo u ld have treated

this su bject .
The paintings or rather the s tu pendo u s arch i tectu ral

,
designs o f a m odern artist have been u rged as objection s

, ,
to the t heory o f o u r m otto They are o f a characte r we .

,
confess to stagger it H is towered stru ctu res are o f the

, .
highest order o f the m ateri al s u bli m e Whether they were

dream s o r transcripts o f so m e elder work m anship—Assyrian
.
ru ins o l d—restored by t his m ighty ar tist the y satisfy o u r

,
m ost stretched and craving conceptions o f t h e glories o f t h e

antiqu e world It is a pity that they were ever peopled
. .
On that side t h e i m aginatio n o f the ar tist halts an d appears

, ,
defective L e t u s exam ine the point o f the story in the

.
Belshazzar s F east ”
We will introdu ce it by an apposite
’
.
anecdote .
The cou r t historians o f the d ay re cord that at the fi rst ,
di nner given by the l a te King (then P rince Regent ) at the

'
Pavilion the following charac t eristic frolic was played 03
,
‘l fl
OF
’
3 0 2 L AST E SSA YS EL I A
1
-
Th e gu ests wer e select and ad iri ng ; the b a

'
n quet m
an d adm irable ; the lights l u stro u s and o ri ental ;
perfectly dazzled with the display of plate, am eng

‘ ' ‘
1
which t h e great old s al t cellar, brouoght from the regalia ’ l
g
-
i n the Tower fo r th is e spec i al p u rpose , i t s e l f a tower st ood

'
c o n Spi c u o u s f o r its m agnitu de An d now the Re v
‘
. .
t h e then adm ired cou rt Chaplain , was pr eceeding with the

g race , w hen , at a signal gi ven ; the l ights were s u ddenly
‘
‘
o vercast, and a huge tran sparency was dis covered in which

-
"
,
l i tt r e d i n gold letters
g e
r
,
B RI G H TON —E
HQUA KE SWA LLOW IJP ALI YE AR T — -
y '
-
Im agine the confu sion o f the gu ests ; th e G e o r ges and gar -

'
ters jewels, bracelets m ou lted u pon the occasion ! The fan s

, ,
' '
dropped an d picked u p the next m orning by t h e i sl y cou rt

,
. , i
pages ! Mrs F itz what s h e r nam e fai nting and the Co u n teSs
’
‘ ’
- - -
'
.
.
,
'
o ft ?
“
hold ing the sm elling bottle till the good hu m ou re d -
,
-
P rince cau sed harm ony to be restored by call i ng in f r e sh ,

1
candles and declaring that t h e whole was nothi ng b u t a

,
pantom i m e hoax got u p by the in geniou s Mr F arley o f

, .
,
Coven t G arden from hints which his Royal H ighness h i m

,
s elf had fu rnished ! Then i m agi n e the i nfi nite applause '

l
that f ollowed the m u tu al rallyin gs the declarations t hat

,
‘
,
they were not m uch fri ghtened o f the assem bled galax y
”
, .
The p o int o f t i m e in the p i ctu re exactly answers t o the "
appearance o f the transparency 1 n th e anecdote T h e .
the fl u tter the bu stle the escape t h e alarm and t h e m o ck

, , , ,
ala rm ; the prettinesses heightened by c on st ei n at i on ; the

" ' '
c o ur t i e i s f ear wh i ch was fl attery and the lady s which

’ ’
'
was aff ectation ; all t h at w e m ay conceive to have tak en r
place in a m o b o f Brighton cou rtiers s y m p at h i éi n g with the , ,

'
well acted su rp rise o f their s overe i gn ; all this "and no

-
-
,
'
m o r e i s exhibited by the well dressed lords and ladies in " -
the Hall o f B elu s J u st this sort o f consternation we have "

( .
s e e nwam on g a fl ock o f di s q u iete d wild ge ese l at the report
only o f a g u n ha vin g gone o ff .
B u t 1 8 this v u l gar fright this m ere ani m al a nxiety f or t he

—
v
r e se r vation o f their persons su ch as w e hav e witnesse dh

p
a th eat re when a slig ht alar m, o f fi re h as been given
' —b !
3 0 4. L AST E SSAY S
' ‘
OF ELI A ‘
resse d—f
o r it w as said Thy kingdom is di vid ed ; ”
‘
e xp ,
s i m u ltaneo u sl y im pressed u pon the fancie s o f a th ou s an d
c ou rtiers who were i m plied in it neither di rectly nor

,
B ut , adm itting the artist s o w n version o f the story and ’
that the sigh t was seen also by the tho u sand cou rtiers—let
,
it hav e been visible to all Bab y lon — as the knees of Bel

s h az z ar were shaken and his co u ntenance tro u bled e v en so , ,
wou ld the knees o f every m an in Babylon and their cou n ,
t e n an c e s as o f an indi vidu al m an have been trou bled ;

, ,
bowed bent do w n so wo u ld they hav e rem ained stu por

, , ,
fi xed with no tho u ght o f stru ggling with that inevi table
,
j u dgm e n t .
Not all that is O p t ically possible to be seen is to be ,
shown in every pictu re The eye delightedly d w ell s u pon .
the brilliant indi vid u alities in a Marriage at Cana by ”

,
Veronese or Titian to the very textu re and colo u r o f th e

, ,
wedding gar m ents the ring glittering u pon the bride s ,

’
fi nger the m etal and f ashi o n o f the wine pots ; f o r at s u ch

,
-
seasons ther e is leisu re and lu xu ry to be cu riou s B u t in ‘
.
’
”
a day o f j u dgm ent o r in a day o f lesser horrors yet
“
, ,
”
divine as at the i m piou s feast o f Belsh azzar the eye
, , ,
shou ld see as the actu al eye of an agent or patient in the

,
i m m ediate scene woul d see only l n m asses and indistinction , .
No t only the f e m ale attire and jewelry exposed to the

c ritical ey e o f the f ashion as m inu tely as the dresses in a
—
,
ad y s M agazine in the criticised pict re b u t perhaps

’
L u,
the c u riositi es o f anato m ical science and stu died diversiti es ,
o f postu re in the falling angels and sinners o f M ichael

—
,
A ngelo have no bu siness in their great su bjects There

,
.
was no leisu re fo r them .
B y a wise f alsifi cation the great m asters o f painting got ,
at their tru e conclu sion s ; by not sho w ing the actu al ap

p ear an c es that is all that
,
was to be seen at
,
an y given
m o m ent by an indi ff erent eye b u t only what the ey e might ,
be su pposed to see in the doing o r su ff ering o f so m e p 01

t e n t o u s action Su ppose the m o m ent o f t h e swallowing
—
.
u
p of P o m peii There t h ey were to
. be seen ho u ses ,
c ol u m n s a c h itec tu ral pro p ortions

r di ff erences o f pu bli c ,
TH E P R O D U C T I O N S o r M O D E R N A RT 3 5
0
and pr ivate bu ildings m e n and wom en at their s tand ing ,
occ u pations the diversifi ed thou sand postu res attitu des
, , ,
dresses in som e conf u sion tru ly b u t physical ly they were

, ,
visible B u t what eye saw them at that eclipsing m om en t

.
,
-
which redu ces confu sion to a kind o f u nity and when the ,
sen ses are u ptu rned fro m their proprieties when sight and ,
hearing are a f eeling only ? A tho u sand years have passed ,
and we are at leis u re to conte m plate the weaver fi xed

standing at his shu tt le the baker at his oven and to tu rn , .
,
over with an tiqu arian coolness the pots and pans o f P o m peii .
Su n s t and tho u still u pon G ibeon and tho u Moon i n

, , , ,
the valley o f Ajalon Wh o i n reading this m agnifi cent .

”
,
Hebraism in his conception sees au ght b u t the heroic s o n

, ,
o f Nu n with the ou tstretched ar m and the greater an d

, ,
lesse r l ight obsequ iou s ? D o u btless there were to be seen 1
hill an d dale and chariots and horse m en on open plain o r

, , ,
winding by secret d e fi l e s and al l the circu m stances and ,

'
stratage m s o f war B u t w hose eyes wo u ld have been .
con sciou s o f this array at the interposition o f the syn

chronic m iracle ? Y e t in the pictu re o f this su bject by
the artist o f the Belshazzar s F east —no ignoble work , “ ’
either —the m arshalling and landscape o f the war is every

thing the m iracle sinks into an anecdote o f the day ; and
,
the ey e m ay dart thro u gh rank and fi l e traverse fo r ”
som e m inu tes before it shall discover am ong his ar m ed

, ,
f ollowers whi ch i s J oshua

,
Not m odern art alone bu t ,
ancient where only it is t o be fou nd if anywhere can be

, ,
detected erring f rom de fec t o f this i m aginativ e facu lty

, .
The world has no thing t o show o f the p reternatu ral i n *
painting transcen ding the fi gu re o f Lazaru s bu rstin g his

,
grave clothes in the great pictu re at An gers t e i n s It

-
,
’
.
see m s a thing bet w een two beings A gh as tl y h o rr o r at .

'
itself str uggles with newly apprehending gratitu de at se -
c ond lif e bestowed It cannot forget that it was a ghost . .
—
It h as hardly f elt that it is a body It has to tell o f the .
‘
world o f spi rits Was it fro m a f eeling that the crowd o f

.
,
half i m passioned b y standers and the still m ore irrelevan t

- -
herd o f passers b y at a di stance w h o have not heard or b u t

-
, ,
faintl y hav e been t ol d o f the passing m iracle ad m irable a

‘
s
,
"
L AS I
’ ‘
3 E SSA Y S O F ELI A i
3 6
~ ‘
z
0 -
—
.
he are in design and h e i—fo r i t is a gl o ri fi ed w ork L

’
t y u do
n ot 1 e s o n d adequ ately to the a c ti o that the in le fi e
v
p n s g gu r » -“
o f the Lazaru s h as bee n attr i b u ted t o Michael A n gelo and ,
the m ighty Sebasti an u nfairly ro bbed o f the fam e o f the

greater half o f the interest ? Now that the m were not
i ndi ff erent pass e rs b y within actu al s c o p e o fi the eyes o f
'
- l
those present at th e m iracle t o who m the so u nd o f it had ,
b u t faintly o r not at all l eached i t wo u ld be hardihood to

, ,
1
deny ; b u t wo u ld they see the m o r can t h e m ind in the

conception o f i t adm it o f s u ch u nconce rn ing objects ; can -
‘
it think o f them at all o r what associa ti ng leagu e to the

?
'
im agi nation can there be bet w een the seers and the seers
n o t o f a present i al m i racle ?
,
Were an artis t to paint u pon de m and a pi ctu re o f a ' ‘
D ryad we will ask whether in the present l o w s tate o f

, ,
expe ctation the p at i o n wo u ld n o t 0 1 ou ght not be f u lly

, ,
satis fi ed with a beau ti fu l naked fi g u re 1 e c u m b e n t u n der

wide stretch ed oaks
-
? D i s seat those woods and p l ace the -
p
sam e fi gu re am ong f ou ntains and falls o f ellu cid w ater
and y o u have a — Na1ad ! N o t so in a ro u gh print we
, ,
have seen aft er J u lio Ro m ano we think — f o r it i s long

»
,
since —th hr e b y no process with m ere change of scene

A
,
.
, ,
c o u ld the fi g u re have reciprocated characters L ong g r o .

,
t e s q u e f antas tic yet with a grace bf her o w n , beautif u l

'
, ,
in convol u t i on and distortion linked t o her connatu ral ,

:
tree c c twi sting with i t s lim bs her o w n , till both s e e m ed

-
either—these anim ated branches ; those disanim ated m e m

,
bers—yet the anim al an d vegetable lives su ffi ciently kept

, ,
dis tinct —his D ryad lay an approxi m at i on o f t wo natu res — .

,
which to conceive it mu st b e seen ; analogo u s to n o t the ,

.
'
,
1
s am e w i th the delicacies o f Ovidian transf orm ations

“
1
. .
,
I To the lo w est s u bjects and to a su per fi cial co m p r eh e n

-
, ,
sion t h e m ost b ar r e nf t h e Great Masters gave lo ftiness and

,
fru i tf u lness The large e ye o f geniu s saw in the m eanness

.
1
o f p r es ent objects their capabilit i es of treat m ent f rom their
re lations to so m e grand P ast or F u tu re H o whas Raphael .
"
nu mb le l craft of th e ship bu ilder, in h is B u ilding of t he
‘ “
r -
,
'
to which w e ha ve
”
Ar k ? 1 :f il t i i s i nv t li at sc rip t ural i
i se r es
f
t
8 L A ST ESS A Y S OF EL IA
‘
3
. 0
'
mind to which i n i t s better m om ents the i m age o f the

high sou led hi gh intelligenced Q u ixote—the errant Star o f
, , ,
'
Knighthood m ade m ore tender b y eclipse —has never pre

- -
,
'
s ented itself divested f rom the u nhallowed acco m pani m ent
o f a S ancho or a rabble m ent at th e heels of Rosinan te

, .
That m an has rea d his boo k by hal ves ; he has lau ghed
mis tak i ng his au thor s p u rport which w as —t e ai s The
,
’
, .
artist t hat pictu res Qu ixote (and it is in this d egrading

point that he i s every season held u p at o u r Exhibitions )
i n the shallow hope o f exciting m irth wou ld have joined ,
the rabbl e at the heels o f his starved steed We W ish n o t .
to see th at co unterf eited w hich we wou ld n o t have wished ,
to see in the reality Consciou s o f the heroic inside o f t h e .
noble Q u ixote who on hear i ng that his withered person

, ,
was passing wou ld have stepped over his threshold to gaze

,
u po n his f orlorn habili m ents and the strange bed f ellows “ -
,
” '
which m isery bri n gs a m an acqu ainted with ? Sh ade o f
C ervantes ! who in thy Second P art cou ld p u t into the
'
m ou th o f thy Q u ixote those h i gh aspirations o f a su per

chivalrou s gallantry where he replies to o n e o f the shep ,
herdesses apprehensive that he wou ld spoil their pretty

,
net works and inviting h i m to be a gu est with the m in

-
, ,
accents lik e these : Tru ly fa i rest Lady Actaeon was not “

, ,
‘
m ore astonished when he saw D iana bathing herself at t h e

fo u ntain than I have been in beholding yo u r bea u ty : I
,
com m end t h e m anner o f you r pasti m e and thank y o u fo r ,
you r kind o ff ers ; and i f I m ay serve y o u so I m ay be su re , ,
ou w ill be obey ed y ou m ay co m m and m e f or m y r o fe s

y '
p
,
s i o n i s this To show m y sel f th an kfu l and a doer o f good

, ,
to all sorts o f people especially o f the rank that y ou r per ,
son shows y o u to be ; and i f those nets as they take u p

'
, ,
'
b u t a litt le piece o f gro u nd sho u ld take u p the w hole ,
world I wo u ld seek o u t new worlds to pass thro u gh rather

, ,
th an break t h em and (he a dds) that y o u m ay g i ve credit

.
to this m y ex agge i at i on behold at least he that p r o m i set h ,
t is i s Don Q u ixote de la Mancha i hapl y this

.
y o u h ,
f ,
”
na m e hath com e to you r hearing Illu striou s B o m an c e r l .
were the fi n e frenzies which possessed the brain o f ,
th y o w n Q uixote a fi t s u bject as in this Second Part t o be

, , ,
'
T H E P R O D U C T I O N S o F M O D ERN ART 3 9
0
e xposed to the jee1 s o f D u ennas to be nd Serving m en ?

a -
monstered and shown u p at the heartless banqu ets o f great

,
me n ? Was that pitiabl e in fi rm ity which in thy Firs t ,
Part m isleads h i m al ways f r om wi thi n into hal f lu di crou s

, ,
-
b u t m ore than hal f co m passion able an d a dm irable errors

-
n o t in fl i ction eno u gh f ro m h eaven that m e n b y stu died ,
ar t i fi c es m u st d evise an d pract i se u pon t h e hu m o u r to i n ,
fl am e where they shou ld soothe it ? Wh y G oneril wou l d ,
have blu shed to practise u pon the abdicated king at this

rate and the she wolf Regan n ot have endu red t o play th e
,
-
pranks u pon his fl ed wits which thou hast m ade thy ,
Q u ixot e su ff er in D u chesses halls and at the hands o f that ’
u nworthy n o b l e m an
I ’E
.
In the F irst Adventu res even it needed al l the art o f th e

, ,
m ost consu m m ate artist in the B ook way that the world
hath y et seen to keep u p i n th e m ind o f the reader t h e
, , ,
heroic attrib u tes o f the character witho u t relaxing ; so as

absolu tely t hat they shall su ff er n o alloy from the debasi n g
f ellowship o f the clown I f it ever obtr u des itself as a
.
disharm ony are we in clined to lau gh ; o r not rather to

indu lge a contrary em otion —
, , ,
Cervantes stu ng perchance , , ,
by the relish with which his Reading Pu blic h ad received

the fooleries o f the m an m ore to their palates th an the
,
generosities o f the m aster in the sequ el let his pen r u n ,

-
riot lost the h arm ony and the balance and sacri fi ced a
, ,
great idea to the taste o f his cont em por aries We kn ow .
that in the present day the Knight has f ewer ad m irers than
the Squ ire Anticipating what did actu al ly happen to
—
.
,
h i m as af te r vvar d s it did to his scarce infer ior f ollower

the Au thor o f Gu zm an de Al far ac h e —
,
that som e less

,
knowing hand woul d prevent h i m by a spu riou s Second

Part ; and j u dging that it wou ld be easier fo r his com pe
t i t o r to o u tbid h i m in the co m icalities than in the r omance , ,
o f his work he abandoned his Knight and has f airly set

, ,
u p the Squ ire fo r his H er o F o r what else has he u nsealed

.
t h e e y es o f Sancho ? and instead o f that twilight state o f
Y e t fro m t h i s S eco nd Par t, our c ri ed -

u i
pp c tures are mostl y sel ec ted
th e wai t ing wo m e n wi th beards , & c
-
.
3 10 L AST E SSAY S OF EL I A
s em i i nsanity — the m adness at s econd h an d the contagi on —
cau ght fr om a str on ger m ind infected—that war between
- -
nati ve c u nning and hereditary deference with which he

,
has hitherto accom p anied his m aster t w o fo r a pair al m ost — ,
— does he s ubstitu te a dow nright Knave with open eyes , ,
for his own ends onl y f ollowing a con f essed Mad m an an d

o ffering at o n e ti m e to lay i f not actu ally laying hands
’
, ,
u pon h i m ! F rom th e m o m ent that Sancho los es hi s r e

v er e n c e D o n Q u i xote is beco m e
,
a treatable lu natic Our — .
artis ts handle h im accordingly .
TH E WED D ING .
DO not know when I have be en better pleased than at

being invited last week to be present at the wedding
o f a f riend s dau ghter
’
I like to m ake one at these cere
.
m onies which to u s old people give bac k o u r you th in a

,
m anner and restore o u r gayest season i n the rem e m bran ce

, ,
of o u r own s u ccess or the regrets scarcely less tender o f

'
, , ,
o u r own yo u th fu l dis appoint m ents in this poin t of a settle ,
m ent On these occas i ons I am su re to be 1n good hu m ou r

.
-
fo r a week or two a f ter and enjoy a re fl ected honeym oon

, .
B eing witho u t a f am i ly I am fl attered with these tem po

,
rary adoptions in to a f riend s fam ily I feel a sort o f ’
cou sinhood o r u ncleship fo r the seas on I am indu ct ed

, ,
into degrees o f affi nity ; and in the p ar t i c 1p at e d soci alities ,
o f the little co m m u nity I lay down fo r a b rie f whi le m y

,
solitary bachelorship I carry this hu m ou r s o far that I

'
.
,
tak e it u nkindly to be lef t o u t even when a f u ner al 18 ,
going on i n the hou se o f a dear f riend B u t to my .
su bject .
U
The u nion itself had be en long settled b ut its celebrati on ,
h ad been hitherto def erred to an al m ost unreason able state ,
by som e invincible prej u dices

'
o f s u Sp en se in the lovers ,
which the bride s fathe r h ad u nhappily contracted u po n

’
th e s u bject o f th e t o o early m arr iages o f fem al es H e h as “

'
.
3 12 L AST E SSAY S . OF EL I A
scr u ples ar e m ore easily got over ; fo r this reason I s u ppose , ,
that the p i o t e c t i on transf erred t o a h u sband 1s les a dero s
io n and a loss to their a u thority than to t h e patern al

'
g a t .
Mothers besides have a tre m bling foresight which paints

, , ,
the inconven i e n ces (i m possibl e to be conceived in the sam e

degree by the other parent) o f a lif e o f f orlorn celibacy ,
which the re fu sal o f a tolerabl e m atch m ay entail u pon

their chi ld Mothers instinct is a s u rer gu ide he1 e than
.
’
the cold reaso n ings o f a father on su ch a topic To this i n .
s ti n c t m a y be i m pu ted and by it alone m a be exc u sed the

y , ,
u nbes eem ing ar ti fices by which so m e wives pu sh o n the ,
m atri m onial projects o f their d a u gh ters which the h u sban d , ,
ho w ever appro v ing shall entertain with com parative i n dif

,
ference A little sha m elessness o n this head is pard onab le

. .
Wi t h t h is explanation f orwardnes s becom es a grace and

—
, ,
m aternal i m port u ni ty receives the nam e o f a virtu e But .
the parson stays while I pre p osterou sly assu m e his o ffi ce ;

,
I am preaching while the bride is on the threshold

, .
No r let an y o f m y f e m ale readers su ppose tha t the sage

re flections which have j u st escaped m e have the obliqu est
tendency o f application to the you ng lady who i t will be , ,
seen is abo u t to v en t u l e u pon a chan ge in h er condition at

, ,
a mature and co mp etent age and not witho u t the f u llest ,
approbation of all parties I onl y deprecate very has ty .
marri ages .
It h ad been fi xed that the cerem ony shou ld be gone

throu gh at an early hou r to give tim e fo r a li ttle déyeuné ,
afterwards to which a select party o f friends had been i n

,
v i te d We were in chu rch a little bef ore the clock stru ck

.
eight .
Nothing cou ld be m ore j u d 1c i ou s o r grace ful than the

—the three charm ing Miss F oresters
—
d ress o f the bride m aids -
o n this m orning To give the bride an opportu nity o f

.
-
shini ng s 1n gl y they had com e habited all in green I am

,
.
ill at describing fem ale apparel ; b u t while s he stood at the

altar in vestm ents white and can di d as her tho u ghts a .
,
s acri fi cial whiteness th ey assisted i n robes su ch as m ight

— —
beco m e D iana s nym phs F oresters indeed as s u ch who
’
,
had not yet com e to the reso l u tio n o f p u tting o ff cold vi r

T HE W ED D I N G 3 13
g i n i t y . These you n g m aids not being so blest as to hav e ,
a m oth er living I am to ld keep single fo r their father s

, ,
’
sak e and live altogether so happ y W ith their rem ain i ng

,
parent that the hearts o f their lovers are ever broken with
,
the prospect ( so inau spiciou s to their hopes) o f su ch u nin

t e r ru p t e d and provoking hom e c om f ort G allant girl s ! -
each a victimworthy o f Iphigenia

I do not know what bu siness I have to be present in
solem n places I cannot divest m e o f an u nseasonable dis
.
po s ition t o l evity u pon the m ost awf u l occasions I was .
nev er o u t o u t fo l a pu blic f u nctionary Cerem ony and I .
have long shak en hands ; b u t I cou ld n o t resist the 1m p o1

t u n i t i e s o f the y o u ng lady s father whose gou t u nhappil y
’
,
confi ned h i m at hom e to act as pare n t on this occasion and

, ,
g i ve a w ay th e br ide S o m ething l u dicro u s occ u rred to m e at
this m ost seriou s o f all m om ents —a sense o f m y u n fi tn ess

.
t o have the disposal even in im agination o f the sweet

, ,
you ng creatu re beside m e I f ear I was betrayed to som e .
lightness f o r the awfu l ey e o f the parson and the rector s

‘
-
’
ey e o f Sam t Mildred s in the P ou ltry is no tri fl e o f a rebu k e

’
— W as u pon m e in an instant so u ring m y incipient jest t o ,
the t ristf u l severities o f a f u neral .
This w as the onl y m isbehaviou r which I can plead to

u pon this sole m n occasion u nless what was objected to m e ,
af t er the cerem ony by o n e o f the handso m e Miss T

,
be accou nted a solecis m Sh e was pleased to say that she .
had never seen a gentlem an before m e give away a bri de ,
in black Now black has been m y ordinary apparel so

long—indeed I take it to be the proper costu m e o f an
.
au thor — the stage sanctions i t —that to have appeared i n

,
som e lighter colou r wo u ld have raised m ore m irth at m y

exp e nse than the anom al y had created censu re B ut I .
co uld p erceive that the bride s m other and so m e elderly ’

,
lad ies present ( Go d bless them wo u ld have been well c o n

t ent i f I had co m e in an y other colo u r than that
, Bu t I .
got over the omen by a lu cky apologu e which I re m e m ,
bered o ut o f P ilpay o r som e Indian au thor of all the birds

, ,
be in g inv ited to the linnet s wedding at whi ch when al l ’
, ,
th e rest ca m e in their gay est f ea the r s the raven alone , ,

3 1
1 L AST E SSA Y S O F E LI A
apologised for h i s cloak beca u se he had no other
,
tolerably reconciled the elders B u t with the y o u peo

ng
.
ple al l was m errim ent and shaking o f hands and c o ng ra , ,
tul at i o n s and k is s ing a way t h e bride s tears and kiss i ng

’
from her 1 n retu rn till a yo u ng lad y W h o assu m

, ,
, ed som e ,
e x e n e n ce 1 n these m atters having worn the n u ptial bands

p ,
so m e fou r or fi v e weeks longer than her f riend rescu ed ,
her, archly obs erving with h alf an eye u pon the bride ,
groom that at this rate s h e wou ld have none le ft

, .
”
My f r iend t h e Adm i ral was in fi n e wig an d bu ckle o n

this occasion —a striking c ontrast to his u su al neglect o f
personal appearan ce H e did n o t once shove u p his bor.
rowed locks (h i s c u stom ever at his m ornin g stu dies) to

betray the fe w grey Straggle1 s o f his o w n beneath the m .
H e wore an aspect o f thou ghtf u l satisfaction I tr e m bled .
f o r t h e ho u r which at length approached when a f t er a

protracte d br eakf as t of three ho urs—i f stores o f col d fowls
, ,
tongues ham s botargoes dried f ruits W ines cordials &c

can deserve so m eagre an appellation —th e coach was
, , , , , , .
annou nced whi ch was com e to carry o ff th e bri de and

,
bride groom f o r a season as custom has sensi bly ordai ned , ,
into the cou ntry ; u po n whi ch de sign W1s h i ng them a ,
f elicito u s journey let u s ret u rn to the assem bled gu es ts

, .
As w h en a wel l grac ed l ac t o r l eaves th e

-
s t age y
Th e eye s o f m e n I
Ar e i d l y b ent o n hi m h a t t e n te r s n ex t ,
1. 1 , 3
so idly did we bend o u r eyes u pon o n e another whenthe ,
chief perform ers l n the m orni n g s pageant had vanished ’ ’

.
None to ld his tale None Sip ped her glass

—
‘
. .
Ad m iral m ade an e fi o r t i i t was n ot m u ch I had antici

’ ’ ‘
pated so far E ven the in fi nity o f fu ll satis faction that had

.
,
betrayed itself throu gh the prim looks and qu i et d e portm ent

l
o f h i s lad y began to Wane into som ething o f m i sgi vin g No "
, .
ew whether to ta We seem ed
,
o ne k n k their le ave o r stay
‘ e
asse m bled u pon a sil ly occasion In this crisis .
,
tarry i ng and departu re I mu st do j u stice t o a foolish talent ,
o f m ine which h a d oth er wise like to have bro u ght nie into
‘
dis grace i n the f ore part o f the day ; I m ean a p o wer i n

”
3 16 L AST E SSA Y S o r EL I A
wonderf ul h o w on e y ou ng maiden freshens u p and keeps ,
green the paternal roof Ol d and yo u n g seem to ha ve an

, .
i nterest in her so long as s h e is not absolu tely dispose d o f

, .
Th e y o u thfu lness o f the h o u se is fl own Emily is m arried . .
REJ O I CIN G S UP O N THE N E W Y E AR S COMIN G ’
OF AGE .
'
HE Ol d Year being dead and the N ew Year co ming o f ,
age which he does by Calend ar Law as soon as the

, , ,
breath is o u t o f th e o l d gentlem an s body nothing wou ld ’

,
serve the you ng spark b u t he m u st give a dinner u pon the

occasion to wh i ch all the D ays in the year were i nvited
, .
The F es tivals whom he depu ted as h i s stewards were

, ,
m i ghtily tak e n with the notion They had been engaged .
ti m e o u t o f m ind the y said in providing m irt h and good

, ,
cheer f o r m ortals belo w ; and it was tim e they sho u ld have

a taste o f their o w n bou nty It was s tifli y d e b at ed am ong. ,
the m whether the F as ts shou ld be ad m itted So m e said the .
appearance o f su ch lean starved g u ests with their m orti

, ,
fi e d faces wo u ld pervert t h e ends o f the m eeting

, B u t th e .
objection was overru led by Chr istmas D ay who h ad a design ,
u pon As h Wed n es d ay as o u shall b e ar and a ighty e ire

( y ) m d s ,
to see h o w the o l d D o m ine wou ld behave him self in his

cu ps Only the Vi gi ls were requ ested to com e with their
.
lanterns to light the gentlefolks ho m e at night

,
.
Al l the D ays cam e to their day Covers were provided .
for three hu ndred and sixty fi v e gu ests at the principal -
t abl e ; wi th an occasional kni fe and fork at the side board -
f o r the Twenty N i nth of F ebr uar y

-
.
I shou ld have told y o u that cards o f invitation had been

issu ed The carriers were the Hou rs ; twelve little m erry
.
, ,
whirligig foot pages as y ou shou ld desire to see that went

-
, ,
all rou nd and f ou nd o u t the persons invited well enou gh

, .
with the exception o f Eas ter D ay S hrove Tuesday and a ,

.
,
fe w s u ch Mo vea bl es who had lately shifted their q u arters

, .
TH E N EW Y E AR S C O M I N G O E A G E 3 1 7
Well they all m e t at last fou l D ays fi n e D ays all sorts
,
- “
, ,
of D ays , and a 1 ar e din they m ade o f it There was no

thing bu t H ail ! f ellow Day well m e t—broth er D ay—
«
.
sister
D ay—onl y Lady D ay k ept a litt le on the aloof and see m ed
, ,
som ewhat scornfu l Y e t som e said Twelfth D ay c u t h e r o u t .
'
and o u t f o r she cam e in a t i fi an y su it white an d gold like
, , ,
a qu een o n a frost cake all royal glitterin g and Ep ip hanous

The rest c am e som e in green som e in W hite—b u t o l d Lent
-
, , ,
.
, ,
an d h i s f ami ly were not y et o u t o f m o u rning Rain y D ays .
cam e i n dripping and su n shin y D ays helped the m to

,
change their stockings Weddi ng D ay was ther e in his .
m arr i age fi nery a little the worse f o r wear P ay D ay ca m e

late as he al way s does ; and D oomsday s e n t w o r d —h e m i gh t
.
,
be expected .
Ap r i l F ool (as m y you ng lord s j e ster ) too k u pon hi m sel f

’
to m arshal the gu ests an d w ild work he m ade with it It , .
wou ld have posed o l d Erra P ater to h ave f ou nd o u t any '
given D ay in the year to erect a schem e u p on —good D ays ,
bad D ays were so shu ffled together to the confo u nding o f

, ,
al l sober horoscopy .
H e had stu ck the Twenty F ir st of J une next t o th e Twenty -
S econd of D ec em ber and the f orm er looked like a May po l e ,
siding a m arrow bo n e Ash Wednes day got wedged in (as -

.
was concerted ) betwixt Chr istmas and L or d Mayor s D ays ’

.
L01 d ! h o w he laid abo u t h i m ! Nothing b u t barons o f bee f

and tu rkeys wou l d go down with h i m —to t h e gre at greasing
and detrim en t o f his new sackcloth bib and t u cker An d .
still Chr i s tmas D ay was at his elbow plying h i m with the ,

'
w a ssail bowl t i ll he roare d and h i c c u p p d and protested
-
, ,
’
,
there was no f aith in dried ling b u t co m m ended it to the ,
devil fo r a sou r w in dy acri m onio u s censoriou s h y p o crit

, , , ,
- -
crit critical m ess an d no dish f o r a gentlem an Then he

-
, .
d ipt h i s fi s t into the m iddle o f the great cu stard that stood

O
before his l ry t hand neighbou r and dau bed his hu n gry h ear d
f
-
,
'
all ov er with it till y o u wou ld have taken h im fo r the L as t

,
‘
D ay i n D ecember it so hu ng in icicles , .
A t another part o f the tabl e S hr o ve Tues day w as helping

th e S eco nd of Sep tember to so m e coc k broth —
,
which cou r '

,
te s y the l atter retu rned with the delicate thigh o f a h e r

3 18 L AST E SS A Y S O F ELI A i
—
pheasant so that there w as no l ove l ost fo r that matter .
The Las t of Lent w as spu n ging u pon Shr oveti de s p ancakes, ’
whi ch Apri l F ool perce i ving tol d h i m that h e did well fo r

”
, ,
-
panca kes were proper
s bein ,
m eat
h i m had s m u ggled into t h e
,
n ad h a d cooked at hom e f o r that pu rpose thi n king to feast ,
thereon in continently b u t as it l ay in t h e dis h ,
Manyweather s w ho i s a v ery fi n e l a dy and s u bject

me agr i m s scream e d o u t there was a h u m
, ,
,
an head in th e
platter and 1 a ved abo u t H erodias dau ght er t o that degre e
” ’
that the obnoxiou s viand was obliged to be removed ; nor

, ,
did she recover her sto m ach till she had gu lped down a
Res to r ative con f ected of Qah Ap pl e which the m erry Twen
, t
y ,
N znth of May always carries abou t with h i m fo r that p u rpose .
"
The King s he al th being cal led fo r after this a no table
’
disp u te a 1 o se between the Twelfth of August ( a z eal o uS o l d

,
r
x
Whig gentlewo m an ) and the Twenty Thir d of Ap ri l ( a new -
fangled lad y o f the Tory sta m p ) as to w h i h of the msho u l d

b c ,
l .
h av e the hono u r to propose i t Augus t grew hot u po n the .
m atter afli 1 m i n g ti m e o u t o f m ind the p 1 e s c 1 1p t 1v e right to

,
have lain with her till her l ival had basely su pplanted her ;
,
wh o m she 1 e p r e s e n t e d as lit tle better th an a kep t m is tress ,
who went abo u t in fi ne cl oth es while she ( the legi ti m ate ,
B I R TH D AY ) had s c a1 c e l y a rag &c , .
Ap r i l Fool b eing m ade m ediator con firm ed the right in

c , ,
the strongest f o r m o f w 01 d s t o the app e l l an t ; b u t decided

, ,
fo r peace sake that t h e exercise o f it sho u ld rem ai n with

,
th e present possess or At the s a m e tim e

.
t h e fi rst lady 1n the e ar that an action ,
the Crown f o r bi ge ny
It beginning to grow a littl e dus kish
.
t’
bawled o u t fo r li gh ts which was

i
w h oprotested against
w as handed ro u nd in
ob se rve d to
K i ng G e o rg e ry .
n
3 2 0 L A ST E SSAY S
.
O F E LI A
was followed by the l atte r who gave Miserere in fi n e ,

”
style hitting o ff the m um li i n g notes and lengthened draw]

,
o f Ol d Mor tific a ti o n with in fi nite h u m o u r Ap r i l Fool swore .
the y had exch anged conditions ; b u t Good F r iday was o h

served to loo k extrem ely grave ; and Sunday held her fan
bef ore her face that she m ight not be seen to sm ile .
S hr oye ti de Lor d Mayor s D ay and Ap r i l F ool next joined

’
-
, , ,
in a glee
Wh ich 18 th e p o p erest d y to d i nk ?
r a r
m which all the D ays c hi m ing in m ade a m erry b u rden , .
They nex t f ell to qu ibb les and conu ndru m s The q u es .
tion bein g proposed who had the greatest nu m ber o f fo l

l o w ers —the Qu a r ter D ays said there co u ld be no q u estion
,
.
,
as to that ; fo r they had all the creditors in the world dog

ging their heels B u t Ap r il Fool gav e it in favo u r o f the
.
F or ty D ays bef or e E as ter ; becau se the debtors in all cases

o u tnu m bered the creditors and they kep t Lent all the year
, .
Al l this while Val enti ne s D ay k ept co u rting pretty May

’
who sate next h i m slipping am orou s bil l ets dour: u nder the
,
-
table til l the D og D ays ( who are natu rally o f a warm con
,
s ti tu ti on
) began t o be jealo u s and to bark and rage ex
,
c e e di n l y
g . Ap ril F o ol who likes, a bit o f sport above
m easu re and had so m e pretensions to the lady b e sides as
being b u t a cou sin once rem oved —clappe d and h al l o o d
, ,
’
,
the m o n ; and as fast as their i ndignation cooled those m ad ,
wags the E mber D ays were at it with their bellows to

, , ,
blo w it into a fl am e ; and all was in a ferm ent till o l d ,
Madam S ep tu agesi ma (who boasts h ersel f the Mother of the

D ays ) wisely diver t ed the conversa t io n with a tedio u s tale
o f the lovers which she co u ld rec k on when she was yo u n g ,
and o f o n e Master Roga ti on D ay in partic u lar who was fo r ,
ever p u tting the ques tion to her ; b u t s h e kept h i m at a

distance as the chronicle wou ld tell —b y whi ch I appro
,
hend she m eant the Alm anack Then she ram bled on to .
the D ays that wer e gone the good ol d D ays and so to th e

—
, ,
D ys f
a b e o r e th e F l oo d which plainly showed her old head
t o be little better than crazed and doited .
D ay being ended the D ay s called fo r their cloaks an d

,
or d Ma or s D ay w en t
'
g reat -
coats and ,
too k t heir le ave L y
;
.
’
O LD C H IN A 3 2 1
o ff in a Mist, as u su al ; S hor tes t D ay in a deep bl a c k Fo g '
that wrapt the little gentlem an all ro u nd lik e a hedge hog

— —
-
.
Two Vigils s o watchm en are called in heaven saw Christ

—
!
mas D ay sa e ho m e the y had b een u sed to the b u sin ess

f
bef ore Another Vigil —
.
—
a sto u t stu rdy patrole call ed th e
Eve of S t Chr i stop her seei ng As h Wedn es day in a condition

, ,
li ttle better than he shou ld be—e en whipt h i m over his

.
shou lders pick a back f ashion and Old Mor tificati on went
, '
- -
fl oati n g hom e singing

On t h e b at s b ack
’
I do fl y ,
an d a nu m ber o f old snatches beside s between dru nk and ,
sober ; b u t very fe w Aves or P enitentiaries (y o u m ay

believ e m e ) were am ong them Longes t D ay set o ff west
ward in beau tifu l cri m son and gold—the rest so m e i n o n e
.
fashion som e in another ; b u t Val e nti ne and pretty May

,
'
took their departu re toge ther in o n e o f the prettiest silvery

t wilights a L over s D ay co u ld w ish to set in
’
.
OLD CH I NA .
H AVE an al m ost f e m inine parti ality fo r o l d c h 1 n a .
When I go to see an y great hou se I inqu ire f o r t h e ,
china closet and next fo r the pictu re galler y I cannot de

-
,
-
.
f end the order o f pref erence b u t b y say ing that we have ,
all som e taste or oth er of too ancient a date to adm it of

,
o u r rem em bering di stinctl y that i t was an ac qu ired o n e I ‘
can call to m ind the fi rst play and the fi rst exhibition that , ,
I was taken to ; b u t I am not consciou s o f a tim e when

'
chin a jars and sau cers were introdu ced into m y i m agi na
tion
I had no rep u gnance then —
.
why shou ld I now have

t o those l ittle lawless a zur e tinctu red grotes qu es that
, ,
-
, ,
under th e notion o f m en and wo m en fl oat abou t u n c i r c u m , ,
s c ribed by an y element i n th at w orld be f ore p ersp ec t i ve

,
“
3 2 2 L AST E SSAY S OF EL I A
I li ke to see m y old fri e nds— wh o m di stance cann ot
dim i nish — fi gu n n g u p i n the air (so the y appear; to o u r
optics) yet on terr a fi r ma sti ll
, so we m u st i n cou rtesy
interpret that spe c k o f deeper blu e which the decoro us
artist to prevent ab s u rdity had made to s p l m g u p beneath
,
, ,
their sandal s .
I love the m e n with wo m en s faces and th e wo m en i f ’

, ,
possi ble With still m ore wo m anish expressions

,
.
H ere 1s a yo u ng and cou rtly Mandarin handing tea to a

lady f rom a salver —
,
two m iles o ff Se e how distance seem s .
to set o ff respect ! An d h ere the s am e lady or another

f o r likeness is i dentity o n tea c u ps —is s tepping into a little
,
fairy boa t m 0 01 e d o n t h e h ither side o f this cal m garden

,
r i ver with a dainty m inc ing fe e t which in a right angle

, ,
o f i ncidence as angles go i n o u r world ) m u st in f allibl y

(
land her l nthe m idst of a fl owery m ead—a fu rlong o ff 011 1
the o ther side o f the Sam e st range s tr e anr!

F arther o — i f far o r n ear can b e p l ed i cat e d o f th e ir
world—
n
see horses trees pagodas d an cing the hays

H ei e — a cow and rabbit cou chant and c o extensive —
, , , .
se ,
-
objects sho w seen thro u gh t h e lu cid atm osphere of fi n e

,
r '
Cat h ay .
I was pointing o u t to my cou sin l ast evening over o u r , ,
Hyso n (which we are o l d fashio ned enou gh to drink u n

m ixed still o f an af te 1 n o o n ) som e o f thes e sp ecio sa mi r acula
,
u pon a set o f extraordinary old bl u e china ( a recent p u r
ch as e) which we were n o w f01 the fi rst tim e u sing ; and = .
co u ld n o t help rem arking h o w favou rabl e circ u m stances ;

,
had been to us o f late y ears that we cou ld a ff ord t o pleas e '
the eye so m etim es with tr i fl es o f thi s sort—when a passing

.
,
. :
senti m ent see m ed to oversh ad ethe brows of m y co m p an i o m l .
I am qu ick at detecting the s e su mm er c l o uds i n B ridget i ;

”
M i wish t h e good old tim e s wou ld c o m e again

1
'
sh e said , ,
whenwe w ere n o t qu i te s o 1 i ch I do n o t m ean th at I

—
-
c
1
.
”
wan t to be poor b u t t here was a m i ddl e ; s tat e s e sh e
‘
w as p le a
se d to ram ble e n l i n Wt h I am su re w e were
'
t 1
a gr eatgdeal happier A pur chase is b ut a purchas e n e w

.
,
that y ou have m on ey enough and to sp are y Form erl y i t .
used to be a tri u m ph Whe n we coveted a cheap l ugm y p

.
'
2
3 4 L A S T E SSAY S o r E LI A
t ho ugh t o f the m oney and looked agai n at the p l c tu re ,
m
was t h ere n o pleas re in being a poor an

u m ?
No w y o u ,
have noth ing to do b u t to walk into Co l n agh i s and b u y a ’

,
wilderness o f Li o n ar d o s Y e t do yo u ?
.
The n do y ou rem em ber o u r pleasan t walks to En fi el d ,

,
and P otter s bar and VVal th am wh en we had a holy day

’
holydays and all other fu n are gone n o w we are rich —

, ,
an d
the l ittle hand basket i n which I u sed to deposit o u r day s

-
’
f are o f savo u ry cold lam b and salad an d how y o u wo u ld -
pry abou t at noon tide fo r so m e decent ho u se where we

—
-
m ight go in and prod ce u o u r store only pay ing fo r the al e

that y o u m u st call f o r — and specu late u pon the looks o f the
landlady and whe ther she was likely t o al low u s a table
cloth—and wish f o r s u ch another honest hostess as Izaak
,
Walton has described m any a o n e o n the pleasant banks o f

the L e a when he went
,
a fi s h i n —
g and som eti m es t hey wo u ld
-
prove obliging enou gh and so m eti m es they wo u ld look

gru d gingl y u pon u s—b u t we h ad cheerfu l l ooks still f 01
,
'
one another and wou ld e at o u r plain f oo d savou rily scarcely

gru dging P iscator his Trou t H a il ? Now—when we go o u t
, ,
a day s pleasu ring which is seldom m oreover we r i de part

’
, , ,
o f the way and go into a fi n e inn and ord er the best o f
dinners never debati ng the expense—which after all never

, ,
, , ,
h as hal f the reli s h o f those chance co u ntry sn aps wh en we ,
were at the m ercy o f u ncertain u sage and a precariou s ,
welcom e .
“
Y o u are too pro u d to see a p l ay anywhere now b u t in
the pit D o y o u rem em ber where it was we u sed to sit
’
.
,
when we saw the battle o f H exham an d the Su rrender o f ,
Calais and B annister and Mr s Bland i n the Children in

,
.
the Wood when w e squ eezed o u t o u r shillings a piece to

- -
sit t hree o r f o u r ti m es in a seaso n in the o n e sh i lling

gallery—where y o u felt all the tim e t hat y o u ou ght not to
-
—
have bro ght m e and m ore stron gly I fel t obl i gation to
u
—
r
y o u f o r having bro u ght m e and the pleas u re was the

be tter fo r a little sham e—and when the cu rt ain drew u p ,
what cared we f o r o u r place in the hou se or what m attered ,
it where we were sitti n g when o u r thou ghts were with ,

'
Rosalind in Arden o r w ith Vi ola at the Co u rt o f Illy ria ?

‘ ' ‘
,
O LD C HI N A 3 5
2
Yo u sed to say th at the G allery w as the b es t place o f all

fo r enjoying a play social ly—
u .
that the rel ish o f s u ch e x h i

bitions m u s t be in proportion to the infrequ ency o f gc m g
that the com pany we m et there not bein g in general ,
readers o f plays were obliged to attend the m ore and did

attend to wha t was goin g o n o n the stage—becaus e a word
, ,
, ,
los t w ou ld have been a chasm which it was im possible fo r ,
them to fi l l u p With su ch refl ections w e consoled o u r

pride then —and I appeal to y o u whether as a wom an I
.
, ,
m e t generally with less attention and acco m m odation than

I have done since in m ore expensive sit uations in the hou se ?
Th e getting in indeed and the crowding u p those i n c o n
v e n i e n t st ai rcases was bad eno u gh—
, ,
,
b u t there was still a .
l aw o f civility to wo m an recognized to qu ite as great an

extent as we ever f ou nd in the other passages—and h o w a
,
little diffic u lty overco m e heightened the snu g seat and the
play af terwards ! Now we can only pay o u r m oney and
, .
wal k in Y o u cannot see y o u say i n the galleries now I

and heard too well enou gh then—b u t
. .
, ,
a m s u re we saw , ,
sight and all I thin k is gone with o u r poverty

, , , .
There was pleasu re in eating strawberries before they

becam e qu ite co m m on —i n the fi rst dish o f peas while they
.
,
were yet dear—to have them f o r a nice su pper a treat

,
.
,
What tr eat can we have now ? I f we were t o treat o u r

—
sel ves now that is to hav e dainti es a little above o u r
,
m eans it wo u ld be sel fi sh and wicked

, It is t h e very little .
m ore that we allo w o u rselves bey ond what the actu al poor
can get at that m akes what I c al l a treat—when two
,
people living together as we have done now and then

, ,
ind u lge the m selves i n a cheap l u xu ry which both like ,
while each apologizes and 1s willing to take both halves o f

,
th e blam e to his single share I see no harm in people .
mak ing m u ch o f them selves in that sense o f the word ,

.
It m ay give the m a hint h o w to m ake m u ch o f others

‘
B ut no w — what I m ean by the word—w e never do m ak e

, .
m u ch o f ou rselves None b u t the poor can do it I d o

. .
not m ean the v eries t po or o f all b u t persons as we w ere , ,
j us t above pove r ty .
“
I kno w what y ouw ere goi ng to s ay that it i s m ighty ,
3 2 6 LAST E SSAY S o r E LI A
p lea sa nt at the e nd o f the ye ar t o m ak e al l m ee t an d in uch —

—
,
ado we u sed to have every T hi r ty fir s t Night o f D ecem ber -
to acco u nt fo r o ur e x ce e d i n gs ma ny a long face did y o u‘
- L
m ak e over y o u r p z z led acco u nts and in contriving to

u
m ak e it o u t h o w we had spent so u ch — o r that we had m
,
‘
not spent so m u ch —o r that it was im possible we shou ld

—
—
spend so m u c h next y ear and still we f ou nd o u r slender ‘
capital decreasing — b u t then betwixt ways an d projects

, ,
'
,
‘
and com p rom ises o f o n e sort or another and tal k o f cu r '

,
'
t ail i n g t h i s charge and doing withou t that f or the f u tu re

l ,
and the hope that y ou th brings and lau ghin g spirits ( in ,
which yo u were never poor till now) we pocketed u p o u r ,
loss and in conclu sion with lu sty brim m ers (as y o u u sed
, ,
’
to qu ote it o u t o f h ear ty cheerf ul Mr Cotton as y o u called .

,
h i m ) we u sed to welcom e in the com in g gu e st

, Now .
w e have no reckoning at all at t h e end o f the old year no -
flattering pro m i ses abo u t th e new year doing better for u s .

.
’
B ridget is so s p ari ng o f her speech on m ost occasi ons ,
that when she gets into a rhetorical vein I am careful how ,
I interr u pt it I cou ld not help however s m iling at the

.
, ,
phan to m o f wealth which her dear i m agination had con

j u red u p o u t o f a clear inco m e o f po or hu ndred p ou nds
a year . It is tru e we were happier when we were poorer
‘
b u t we were also you nger m y co u sin I am afraid we

,
.
m u st p u t u p with the excess f o r i f we w ere to shake the ,
s u e r fl u x into the s e a w e sho u ld not m uch m end o u rselves

p
*
That we had m u ch to str uggle with as we gre wu p together , ,
we have reason to b e m o s t thankfu l It strengthene d and

’
knit o u r com pact closer We co u ld never have been what

.
we have been to each other i f we had always had the ,
su ffic i ency which

y u now co m plain o f The resist in g
power—
o .
those natu ral dilations o f the you thf u l spirit whi ch

circ u m stances cannot straiten with u s are lon g s i nce — ,
passed away Com peten ce to age i s su pple mentary y o u th ;

.
a s orry S u pplem ent indeed b u t I fear the best that 1s to b e

,
We m u st ri de whe re we f orm erly walk ed : live better

'
h ad
‘
— —
.
'
a d
n l i e so f ter and shall be w ise to do s o than we h ad '
m ean s to do in those good old days y ou s peak o f Yet

—
.
'
'
c ou l d t hose days r eturn i c o ul d y ou and I once m ore wal l:
' L
3 2 8 LA ST E SSAY S o r E LI A
poor hum an f ancy m ay hav e leave to sport and air itself I ,
will hop e withou t presu m ption

—
.
,
Methou ght what wild thi ngs dream s are I w as

present —at what wou ld y ou im agine ? — at an a n gel s
’
gossiping .
Whence it cam e o r how it cam e o r who bid it come or

, , ,
whether it cam e pu rely o f its own head nei ther y ou nor I

know—b u t there lay su re enou gh wrapt in its little clo u dy
,
’
swaddling bands—a Child An gel

, ,
-
.
S u n threads
-
fi l m y beam s ran th 1 ou gh the celestial
-
napery o f what seem ed i t s princely cradle Al l the winged .
orders hovered ro u nd watching when the new born should ,

‘
open its y et closed eyes which when it did fi rst one an d

then the other—with a solicitu de and apprehen s ion yet
, , ,
not su ch as stained with fear d i m the expandin g eyelids

, ,
o f m orta l in fants b u t as i f to explore its path in those its

u nhereditary palaces—
’
'
what an inexti ngu ishable titt er that
tim e spared not celestial visages ! Nor wanted there to m y
'
seem ing— O the inexplicable sim pleness cf dream s l —bowl s

,
o f that cheerin g nectar ,
whi ch mort al s ca nd l e c al l be l o w
—
.
Nor were wanting faces o f f em ale m inistrants lst r i ck e 11

in y ears as it m ight see
,
m — so dextero u s were those hea ,
,
venl attendants to co u nter f eit kindly si m ilitu des o f earth

y ,
to greet with terrestrial child rites the yo u ng p resent which -
earth had m ade to heaven .
Then were celestial harpin gs heard not in f u ll sy m ,
p hony as,
thos e b y which the spheres are t u tored b u t as ,
l ou dest instr um ents on earth speak of tentim es m u ffl ed ; so ,
to accom m odate their sou nd the better to the w eak ears

o f the i m perf ect born An d with the noise o f these s u b
'
—
-
.
,
du ed sou ndings the Angelet sprang forth flu tte ring its

, ,
ru dim ents o f pinions b ut forth w ith fl agged and was r e

covered into the arm s o f those fu ll winged angels An d a -
.
wonder it was to see how as y ears went ro u nd in heaven

— a y ear in dream s is as a day— c onti nu all y its white
,
sho ul ders p u t f orth bu ds o f wings b u t wanting the pe rfect ,
an elic n u tri m ent an o n w as shorn o f its aspirin and f ell

g , g ,
T HE C HIL D A N G EL ; A D RE A M (
3 9
2
fl u t tering —s ti l l
c au ght by angel ha n ds fo r ever t o p u t for th ,
s hoots and to fall fl u ttering

,
becau s e its birth w as not o f
,
t h e u n mixed v igo ur o f heaven .
An d a nam e was give n to t he Babe Angel and it was to

’
be called Ge U1 am a becau se i ts prod u c tion was o f earth

,
and heaven .
An d it c ou ld n o t taste o f death by reason o f its adoption ,
into im m ort al palaces ; b u t it was to know weakness an d ,
reliance and the shado w o f hu m an i m becility and it wen t

,
with a lam e gait ; b u t in its goings it exceeded all m ortal

children 1n grace and swiftnes s Th en pity fi rst sprang u p .
in angelic bosom s ; and year ni n gs ( like the h u m an ) tou ched

them at the sight o f the i m m ortal lam e o n e .
An d with pai n did then fi rst those Intu itive E ssences ,
with pain and strife to their n at u res ( not grie f) p u t back ,
t heir bright intelligences and red u ce their ethereal m inds

, ,
schooling the m to degrees and slower processes so to ,
adapt their l essons to the gradu al illu m i nation (as m u st

needs be ) o f the hal f earth b o m ; and w h at intu itive
- -
notices they co u ld not repel (by reason that thei r natu re is ,
to know all th i n gs at once ) the half h eav enly novice by -
the better part o f its natu re aspired to re cei ve into its

,
u nderstanding ; s o that H u m ility and As i i at i o n w ent n

p o
even paced 1n the i nstru ction o f the glori o u s Am phibiu m .
B u t by reason that Matu re Hu m anity is too gross to

,
breat he the air o f that su per su btile region i ts portion was

-
, ,
a nd i s to be a child f o r ever
, .
A n d beca us e the hu m an part o f it m ight not press into

the heart and inwards o f the palace o f its adop tion those ,
fu ll natu red angels tended it by tu rns in the pu rlieu s o f

the palace w here were shady groves and rivu lets lik e this
, ,
green earth f rom which i t ca m e ; so L ove wi t h Volu ntary ,
Hu m ility waited u pon the entert ainm ent o f the new

,
adopted .
An d m yriads o f y ears rolled ro u nd ( in dream s Ti m e i s

n othing) an d still it k ep t and 1s to k ee p perpe t ual child
, , ,
hood an d is the T u telar G eniu s o f Childhood u pon earth

, ,
an d sti ll goes la m e and love l y .
By the banks o f the river Pis on is s een lo ne si t ting b y .
M
3 0 L AST E SSAY S O F EI I A
the g i av e o f the te r r e s t1 i al A dah whom the angel Nadir ,
loved a Child ; b u t not the sam e which I saw i n heaven

, .
A m o u rn fu l h u e overcasts its linea m e n ts ; nevertheless a .
00 1 respondenc y 1 s between the child by the grave and that

,
celestial orphan wh o m I saw above ; and the di m ness o f

,
th e grie f u pon the heavenly 1s a shadow or e m ble m o f tha t , .
which stains t h e beau ty o f the terrestrial An d this cor .
res p ondency 1s not to be u ndersto od b u t by dream s .
A n d l n the archives o f heaven I had grace to re a d how ,
that o rice the angel Nadir being exiled fro m his pl ace fo r ,
mortal passion u pspringing on the w i ngs o f parental love

,
( s u ch power had parental love f or a m o m ent to s u spend the
e l se i n e v o cabl e law) appeared fo r a brief instant in his

-
s ta tion and depositing a won d ro u s Birth straightway dis

, , ,
appea red and the pal aces kne w h i m no m ore An d thi s

, .
charge was the self sam e B abe who goeth lam e and lovely -
b u t Adah sl e ep e tli by the river P ison

'
C ON F ESSI ON S o r A D RUNxAn
’
D .
E HORTATI ONS fro m the strong liqu ors have us e of

'
sober declaim ers i nall ages
' '
been the fav ou rite topic o f ,
and have been received with ab u ndance o f ap plau se by

‘
water drin ing critics B u t with the patient h i m self th e

k
-
.
,
m an that i s to b e c u red u nfort u nately their sou nd has

Ye t the evil 1s acknowledged th e rem
,
s eldom prevailed . edy ,
s i mple Abstain N e force can oblige a m an to raise t h e

. .
g l ass t o his head ag ain s t h i s will Tis as eas y as not to .

’
steal not to tell lie s

”
, .
Al as ! the hand to pil fer and the tongu e to be a

[
r false ,
witness hav e no constitu tional tendency Th ese are actions

,
.
indi ff erent to them At the fi rst instance o f the reform ed .
w il l , they can be b 1 o ught (a s witho u t a m u r m u r f The

’
itching fi n ger is b u t afi gu re in speech and the ton gu e o f ,
the liar can with the sam e natur al delight give forth u sef ul
tr u ths wi th which it h as b een accu sto m ed t o sc att e r t h e i r
‘
33 2 LA ST E SSAY S O F E LI A
perhaps never very pellu cid On the m this discou rse i s .
wasted They wou ld b u t lau gh at a weak brother who

.
, ,
t ry in g his strength with them and com ing o ff f oiled f rom ,
t h e contest wo u ld f ain pers u ade the m th a

, t su ch agonisti c
—
exercises are dangerou s It i s to a very di ff erent de s cri p .
tion o f persons I speak I t 1s to the weak the nervo u s

.
to those who feel the want o f som e arti fi cial aid to raise
t heir spirits in society to what 1 s no m ore t han the ordinary
pitch o f all arou nd the m witho u t i t This is the secret o f .
o u r d r inking Su ch m u st fly the convivial board in the

.
fi rst instance i f they do not m e an to sell the m selves f o r

,
term o f life .
Twelve years ago I had co m pleted m y six and tw entieth -
y ear I had lived fro m the period o f leaving school to that

.
ti m e pretty m u ch i n solit ude My com panions were chie fly .
b oo ks or at m ost o n e o r two living ones o f m y o wn boo k

,
l oving and sober s ta m p I rose earl y went t o bed beti m es

.
,
'
' ,
and the facu lties which G od had given m e I have reason ,
to think did n o t ru st in m e u n u sed

,
.
'
Abou t that ti m e I fell in with so m e co m panions o f a

d iff erent c i der They we 1 e m e n o f boisterou s spirits
.
,
sitters u p a nights dispu tants d 1 unken yet seem ed to

-
, ,
have som ething nobl e abou t them We dealt abou t the .
wit or what passes fo r it af ter m i dnight jovially Of the

, , .
qu al ity called fan cy I certainl y possessed a l arger share

th an m y co m pa nio n s E ncou raged by their applau se I set
.
,
u f o r a pro f essed joker ! I who o f all m e n a m least fi t t ed

p ,
f o r s u ch an occu pation having in addition to the grea test , ,
difficu lty which I experience at all ti m es o f fi nding words

t o express m y m eaning a natu ral n ervou s i mped im ent in ,
m y S peech
Reader i f y o u m e gifted with nerves like m ine aspire t o
, ,
a n y character b u t that o f a wit When y o u fi n d a tickling .
1 elish u pon y o u r tong u e disposing y o u to that sort o f con
v ersation especially i f y o u fi n d a p 1 e te 1n at u 1 al fl o w o f ide as

,
s etting i n u pon y o u at the sight o f a bottle and fl esh
lasses avoid giving w ay to it as y o u w ould fl y yo u r

g ,
at e s t d e s t 1 u c t i o n I f o u cannot c 1 u sh the powe i f

g l e y . o
f ancy o r th at w ith in y o u which y o u m i stake 10 1 su c h

, ,
'
C O N F E SSI O N S O F A D R U N K AR D 3 33
d iv ert it give it som e o th c r p l ay Write an es say pen 2
—
'
'
,
.
, a
character or description b u t not as I do now with tears

, ,
‘
'
t ricklin g down yo u r cheek s .
To be an object o f com passion t o frien d s o f derision t o ,

'
foes ; to be suspected b y stran gers sta1 ed at by foo l s ; to ,
be estee m ed du ll when y o u ca nnot be witty to be ap ,
u d e d f o r witty when y o u know that y ou have been d ul l ;

'
p l a
to be ca l led u pon fo r the extem poraneou s exercise o f that

fac u lty which no pr em ed i tation can give ; to be sp u rred on
to efforts which end i n contem pt ; to be set on to provoke ‘
m irth which proc u res the pro eu 1 er ha tr ed ; to give ple a s u re

a n d be paid w ith sq u inting m a l ice ; to swallo w dra u ghts o f
life destroying wine which are to be distilled into any breath

-
to tickle vain au d itors ; to m or tgage m iserable m orrows fo r

nights of m adness to waste whole seas o f ti m e u pon those
who pay it back in little inconsiderable drops of gru dgin g
—
'
'
applau se are the wages o f bu fi o o n e r y and death
, .
Ti m e which has a su re stroke at dissolving all connec

,
tions which have no solider fa s tening than th i s li qu id ‘
ce m ent m ore kind to m e than m y o w n taste o r penetra

,
tion at len gth O pened m y eyes to the su pposed qu alities o f

,
my fi 1 st f1 i e n d s No trace of them 1 s le ft b u t i n the vice s

.
'
which they 1n t r o du c ed and t h e habits they i n fi x e d In

, .
the m m y friends su rvive still and exerci s e am ple r e t r i b u

,
‘
tion for any s u pposed in fi delity that I m ay have been gu ilty

o f towards the m .
My next m o re i m m ediate co m panions were and are per

sons o f su ch i ntrinsic and felt worth th at thou gh acci
'
d entall y their a cqu aintance h as proved pernicio u s to m e I

'
do not k no that w if the thing were to do o er again I

v f
,
shou ld have the cou rage to eschew the m ischief at the price
o f f orf eiting the b ene fi t I ca m e to the m reeking f rom t h e “
s tea m s o f my late over heated notions o f co m panionship ;

-
an d the sli ghtest f u el which they u nconscio u sl y afl o r d e d ;

’
w as s u ffi cient to f eed m y o w n fi res into a propensity .
They were n o drink ers ; b u t o n e f rom professional h abits

, ,
and another f rom a c u sto m der ived f rom his father sm oke d ,
toba cco The dev il cou ld not have devised a m ore su btle
.
t ra to r e take a back sliding penitent The tr an sition

p
-
.
,
334 L AST E SSAY S O F E LI A .
f ro m gu lp i ng dow n drau ghts o f li qu id fi r e to p u fli n g o u t

inno c u ous blast s o f dry sm ok e was so lik e cheating h i m , .
B u t he is too hard fo r u s when we hope to co m m u te He .
beats u s at barter ; and when we think to set o ff a new

f ailing against an o l d in fi rm ity tis odds b u t he p u ts the
’
,
. .
trick u pon u s of two fo r one Th a t ( co m pa ratively ) white .
devil o f tobacco brou ght with h i m in the end seven worse

than hi m sel f .
It were im pertinen t to carry th e reader throu gh all the

processes by which f ro m sm oking at fi rst with m alt li qu or
, ,
I took m y degrees throu gh thin wines throu gh stronger ,
wine and water throu gh sm all p u nch to those j u gglin g

, ,
com positions which u n d er the nam e o f m ixed liquors slu r

, , ,
a great deal of brandy or other poison u nder less and less

water continu ally u ntil they com e next to none and so to
, ,
none at all B u t it is hatefu l to disclose the secrets of m y

.
Tar taru s .
I shou ld repel m y readers f rom a m ere incapacity o f ,
believing m e were I to tell them what tobacco h as been

,
to m e the dru dging serv ice which I have paid the slave r y
, ,
which I have vowed to it H ow when I have resolved t o . ,
q u it it a f eeli
, n g as o f ingratit u de has started u
p ; how it
has p u t o n personal claim s and m ade the dem ands o f a
friend u pon m e H ow t h e reading of it casu ally in a book
.
,
'
as where Adam s takes his w h ifl in the chim ney corner o f -
som e inn in J oseph Andrews or P iscator in the Com plete ,
Angl e r breaks his f ast u pon a m orning pipe in th at delicate

room P i scator ibus Sacrum has i n a m om ent broken down
, ,
-
the resistance o f weeks Ho w a pipe was ever in m y m i d

night path before m e till t h e vision forced m e t o realise it
— how then its ascending v apou rs c u rled i ts fragrance
,
,
,
l ul led and the t h o u s an d d e l i c i o u s m i n i s te r i n gs conversant

,
'
abou t it em ploying every fac u lty extracted the sense o f

, ,
pai n H o w fr om illu m inatin g it cam e to darken from a

, ,
q u ick solace it tu rned to a negative relief thence to a r es t ,
lessness ( and dissatisfaction thenc e to a positive m i ser y , .
H ow even now wh en the whole s ecret stands con fessed in

, ,
all its dreadf u l tru th before m e I feel m ysel f linke d to i t , .
beyond the power o f revocation Bone o f my bone .

33 6 LA ST E SSAY S O F E L I A
drinking and feverishly looking fo r this n ight s repeti tio n
,
’
o f the f olly co u ld he feel the body o f the death o u t o f

w hich I c ry hou rly wi th f eebler and feebler o u tcry to b e
delivered i t were enou gh to m ake h i m dash the sparkling
,
-
beverage t o the earth i n al l the pride o f its m antling

te mptation ; to m ak e h i m clasp h i s teeth ,
an d n o t u n do em
’
To su ffer WET
’ ’
D AMN ATI ON to run th ro em .
Y ea , b u t (m e I hea1 som ebody object) i f sobriety

thinks
be that fi n e thing y o u wo uld have n s to u nderstand i f the ,
co m fo rts o f a cool brain are t o be p 1 e fe r r e d to that state

o f he ated excite m ent W hich y o u descri be and deplore ,
w hat hinders i n yo u r instance that y o u d o not retu n to

r
those habits f 1 o m which y o u wo u ld ind u ce others never to
swe r ve ? i f the blessing be worth preserving is it not wor th
‘
,
recovering ?
R ecover i ng 0 i f a wish co uld transport m e back to
-
those days o f yo u th when a drau ght fr o rri the next clear

,
spring co u ld slak e any heats which S u m m er su ns and

yo u thf ul exercise had power to sti 1 u p in the bloo d h o w ,
gladly wo u l d I retu rn to t h ee p u re ele m en t the dri nk o f

'
, ,
childre n an d o f child like holy herm it ! In m y dream s I

-
can som etim es fancy thy cool re freshm ent pu rling over m y
bu rning t on gn e B u t m y waking stom ach rejects i t That
. .
whic h refreshes innocence only m akes m e sick and faint

B u t i s th ere no m
.
iddle way betwixt total abstinence and

th e ex cess which kills y o u — Fo r yo u r sake reade r an d , ,
t hat y o u m ay never attain to m y experience with pain I ,
m u st u tter the dreadf u l tru th that there i s m ine none th at

, ,
can fi n d In m y stage o f habit ( I speak not o f habits less

—
. ,
co n fi r m e d fo r som e o f the m I believe the advice to be

most pru dential ) 1n the stage which I have reached to s t e p ,
short o f that m eas u re which i s s u ffi c i ent to draw on torpor

an d sleep the ben u m bing apoplectic sleep o f the dr u nk ard
, ,
is to ha x e taken none at all Th e pain o f the sel f d eni al is

.
al l one . An d W hat that 1s I had rather the re ad er sh o u l d

,
'
be lieve on m y cre d it than know f ro m his o w n trial

, He .
wil l com e to kn o w it w henever he shall arrive in th at s ta te

,
C O N F E SSI O N S O F A D R U N KA R D 33 7
in Which ar ad as it m a appear
i c al r ea son s h a l l o nl i si t
p
, y y v ,
hi i n thr o ugh i ntoxi cati on ; f o r it is a fearfu l tru th that th e ,
intellect u al facu lties by repeated acts o f intem perance may

b e driven f ro m their orderly sphere cf action their clear ,
d aylight m i n i s t e r i es u ntil they shall be bro u ght at l a

,
st
depend f o r t h e faint m anif estation o f their d eparting
,
‘
energ i es u p On the retu rning p e r i o d s o f the fatal m adness to
,
which they o we their devastati on The drinking m an i s .
never less hi m self than d ur i ng h i s sober intervals Evil is .
so far his good .
B ehold m e then in the rob u st period o f life red uc e

,
d to ,
i m becility and decay H ear m e co u nt m y gai ns and the

.
,
profi ts which I have deri ve d fro m the m idnight c u p .
"
l W e l v e years ago I was possessed o f a healthy f ram e o f
,
mi n d an d body I was never strong b u t I think m y con

.
,
s t i t u t i o n ( f o r a weak one was as happily exe pt ro the

) m f m
tendency to any m alady as it was possible to be I sc arce .
kn ew what it was to ail anything N o w excep t when I am .

,
l esing m yself in a sea o f drink I am never free f ro m those ,
u n ea s sensation s in head and sto m ach which are so m u ch

y ,
worse to bear than any de fi nite pains o r aches .
At that ti m e I W seldom in b e d after S i x i n th e

'
as
m orning su m m er and W inter

, I awoke re freshed and .
,
seldom withou t som e m erry tho u ghts in m y head or so m e ,

'
piece o f a song to welco m e the new born d ay Now t h e -
.
,
fi rst f eeling which besets m e af ter stretching o u t the ho urs,
o f rec u m bence t o their last possible exte n t is a forecast o f ,
t h e weariso m e day that lies be fore m e with a secret wish ,
that I cou ld have lain o n still o r never a w aked , .
Li f e itsel f m y waking li fe has m u ch o f the con fu

, , sion ,
the trou ble and obsc u re perplexity o f an ill d i eam In

, , .
t h e day ti m e I stu m ble u pon dark m o u ntains

‘
B u siness which thou gh never very p al ti c ul arl y adapted

, ,
Wh en po o r M p ai n ted h i s l ast p ic t ure, wi h a p en ci l i n o ne t

t
’
re m b l ing h a n d , a nd a gl ass o f b rand y an d wat e r i n th e oth e r , h i s fi n ers

g
o we d t h e c o mp ar ati ve s te adi ness wi th wh i ch t h ey xwer e enabl ed to go
th r o u gh th eir tas k i n an i m p e rfec t m ann er, t o a te mp brary fi rmness ,
d eri ved from a r e peti ti o n o f p rac t ic e s th e g eneral effe c t o f wh ich h a

, d
sh ak en bo th th e m and h i m so t en i h l y .
33 s LA ST E SSAY S O F E LI A ,
to m y nat u re y et as som ething o f necessity to be gone

.
,
thro u gh an d theref ore best u ndertaken with chee r fu lnes s

, ,
I u sed to enter u pon with som e degree o f alacrity n o w ,
W e arie s afl ri gh ts perplex es m e
'
I fancy all sorts of dis
m
.
, ,
oe u a e n t s and am ready t o give u

p an oc pa ti n
rg e c u o
Which gives m e bread from a harassing concei t o f 1n cap a

,
city The slightest comm ission given m e by a f riend o r

an y s m
.
,
all du ty which I have to perf orm fo r m yself as ,
giving orders to a trad esm an &c hau nts m e as a labo u r , .

,
i m possible to be got throu gh So m u ch the springs o f .
action are broken .
The sam e cowardice attends m e in all m y intercou rs e

with m ankind I dare not pro m ise that a friend s honou r
.
’
or his cau se wou ld be saf e i n m y keeping i f I were p u t to

, ,
the expen se o f an y m anl y resolu tion in defending it So .
m uch the springs o f m oral action are deadened within m e .
My favou rite occu pations in ti m es past now cease to

entertain I can do nothing read ily Application fo r ever
. .
so sh ort a tim e kills m e This poor abstr act o f m y condition

.
w as penned at long intervals wi th scarcely an atte m pt ,
at connexion o f tho u ght which 1s n o w di ffi cu lt to m e , .
The noble passages which f orm erl y delighted m e i n

history or poetic fi ction now only draw a fe w t ears allied ,
to dotage My broken and dispirited natu re seem s to sink

.
be fore anything great and adm irable .
I perpetu ally catch m yself in tears f or any cau se or , ,
none It is inexpressible how m u ch this in fi rm ity adds to

.
a sense o f sham e and a general feeling o f deterioration

, .
These are som e o f the instances concerning which I can ,
say with tru th that it was not al w ay s so with m e

—
.
,
S hall I li f t u p the veil o f m y weakness any f u r ther or
is this disclosu re su ffi cient ?

I am a poor nam eless egotist who have no vanity to ,
c onsul t by these Co n fessions I kno w not whether I shall .
be lau ghed at or heard seriou sly Su ch as they are I

, .
,
-
c om m end them to the reader s attention i f he fi n d his own

’
,
case any way tou ched I have tol d h i m wh at I am c ome .
to
. Let h i m s t e p in ti me .
34 0 LA ST E SSAY S O F E LI A
11 .
—H
T I LL G O TTEN G AI N N EV ER PROSPERS
T A -
'
.
THE weakest part o f m an kind have this say ing co m m ones t

i n their m o u th It is the trite con sol at i o n ad m in is t e r e d to
.
the easy dupe when he has been tricked ou t o f his m oney

,
or estate that the acqu isition o f i t will do the owner no

Od B
,
u t the rog u es o f this world th d t r part —

o f the m at least —
g o . e p ru e n e
k no w better ; and i f the observation h a d

been as tru e as it is old wou l d not hav e failed by this ti m e
,
to have dis cov ered it They have pretty sharp distinctions

.
o f the fl u ct uating and the p e r m am e n t Lightly com e “

.
,
”
lightly go is a proverb which they can very well a ff ord
,
to leave wh en they leave little else to the losers Th ey d o

, , .
not alway s fi n d m anors got by rapine o r chicanery i n , ,
sensibly to m elt a w ay as the poets will hav e it o r that all

gold glides like thawing snow fro m the thie f s ha nd tha t
, ,
’
grasps it Chu r ch l and alie n ated t o lay u ses was f orm erly
.
, ,
deno u nced to have this slipp ery qu al ity B u t s o m e p o i tions .
o f it so m eh ow al w a y s st u c k so f ast th a t the denu nciators ,
have bee n fain to postpone the prophecy o f refu nd m ent t o

a late posterity .
[ fir —
s TH AT U T u
A MAN M ST NO T LA GH AT H I S OWN J ES .
T HE severest exaction su rely e v er invented u pon the self

denial o f poor h u m an natu re This is to expect a gentle m an
t o gi v e a t r e at w i t h o u t partaking o f it ; to sit e s ur i e n t i at
his own table and com m end the fl avou r o f h is venison u pon
,
the absu rd strength o f his ne ver tou ching it hi m sel f O n .
the contr ary we love to see a wag taste his o w n joke to h i s

, .
party to watch a qu irk o r a m erry conceit fl ickering u po n

the lips som e seconds be fore the tong u e is delivered o f it
I f it h a good f resh and racy begotten o f the occa s ion if
, ,
— .
.
h e t h at u tte r s i t neve r thou ght i t bef ore he is natu rally

,
.
,
the fi rst to be tickled with it and any s upp r ession o f su ch ,
com placence we hold to be chu rlish and i ns u lting What .

’
does i t s e e m to im ply b u t that y ou r com pany i s w e ak l o r

‘
f oolish to b e m oved by an im age or a fanc y that shall stir

. ,
o u n o t at all or b u t f aintly ? This is exac t l y th e hu m o u r

y ,
P O P U LAR FA LL AC IE S 3 4 1
of the fi n e gentlem an in Mandev ille who while he daz zles , ,
his gu ests with the display o f so m e costly toy a ff ects hi m sel f ,

”
to see nothing considerable in it .
lV .
—
TH T A S UC H A ON E SHOWS HI S B REE I NG D .
—
TH A T I T 18
V T
EAS Y T O PER C EI E H E I S N O G EN LEM AN .
A SPEECH f ro m the poorest so r t o f peop l e which always ,
indicates that the party vitu pe r ated is a gentl em an The .
very f act which they deny is that which galls an d e x as ,
perates the m to u se this langu age The f o r b e aran c e w i th .
which it is u su ally received is a proo f what interpretatio n

the b y stander sets u pon it Of a kin to this and still less
-
.
,
politic are the phrases with which i n their street rhetoric

,
they ply one ano ther m ore grossly H e i s a p oor cr eature

,
— ,
-
He ha s n ot a r ag to cover (t o thou gh this last we .
,
conf ess is m ore frequ ently applied by fe m ales to f em ales

, .
They do n o t perceive t hat the sati r e glances u pon the m

selves A poor m an o f all things in the world shou ld n o t
.
, ,
u p b raid an antagonist with poverty Ar e there no o t her

topics—as to tell h i m his father was hanged —his sister 65 0
.
.
, ,
witho u t exposi ng a secret which sho u ld be kept snu g

,
betw een the m ; an d doing an a ff ront to the order to which

they have the honou r equ ally to belong ? Al l this while
they do n o t see how the weal thier m an stands by and
l a u ghs in his sleeve at both .
V THAT THE POOR COPY THE VI C ES OF T HE R I CH

.
-
.
A S M OOTH text to the letter and preached f ro m t h e

‘
p u l pit is su re o f a docile au dience fro m the pews lin e d

,
—
with satin It is twi ce sitting u pon velvet to a foolish
.
s qu ire to be told that he and not p er verse natur e; as the

hom ilies wou ld m ake u s i m agine is the true cau s e Of all ,
'
the irregu larities in h is parish This is striking at t h e; .

‘
root o f free will indeed and den ying the originality o f s i n

-
in any sense B u t m e n are not su ch i m plicit sheep as thi s

.
co m es to I f the abstinenc e fro m e vil o n th e part of th e

.
u pper classes is to derive itsel f f r o m no higher prin cipl e

'
than the apprehension o f setting ill patt erns to the lo wer ;

31 2 I A ST E SSAY S OF E LI A
we beg lea ve to dis charge them f romall squ eam ishness on
that score : they m ay even ta ke t heir fi l l o f pleas u res where ,
they can fi n d the m The G eniu s o f P ov erty ham pered and .
,
straitened as it is is n ot s o barren o f invention b u t it can

,
trade upon the staple o f its own vice withou t drawi n g ,
u pon their cap ital The poor ar e not qu ite su ch servile

.
i mitators as they take them fo r Som e o f them are very .
clever ar tist s in their way H ere and the m fi ve fi n d an

—
“
.
original W h
. o ta ght the poor to s t e e l t o pilf e r They
u L 9
.
d i d n o t go to the great fo r schoolm asters i n these fac u lties ,
su rely It i s well i f m som e vices they allow u s to b e no

.
-
copyists In no other sense is it tr u e that the poor cop y

’
"
them than as servants m ay be said to take af ter their mast ers

,
and m i str esses When they su cceed to their reversionary

,
cold meats I f the m as ter fro m indi sposition or som e

.
‘
, ,
other cau se neglect his f ood the servant dines n o t w i th

, ,
s tanding .
0 b u t ( so m e will s ay ) the force o f exam ple is great

, .
We knew a lad y wh o was so scru p u lou s o n t h i s head that

'
she wou ld p u t u p with the calls o f the most i m pertinent

v i sitor rather th an let her serv an t say she was not at hom e
, ,
fo r f ear o f teaching her m aid to tell an u ntru th ; and this

in the v er y f ac e of the fact which she knew well enough
'
, ,
that the wench was on e o f the greatest liars u pon the earth ‘
withou t teachin g ; so m u ch so that her m istress possibly ,
never heard two words of consecu tive tr u th f rom her in her

l i fe B u t natu re m u st go fo r nothing ; exam ple m u st be
.
e v e 1y t h i n g This liar in grai n who never opened her

.
’
,
‘
m o u th W ithou t a lie m u st be gu arded a ainst a re m ote ,

g
inf erence which she ( pretty casu ist m ight possibly draw
ro a or ords
,
— lite rall y false b u t essentially d e c e i v

—
f m f mo f w ,
i n g n o o n e that u nder som e circ u m stances a fib m ig ht

n o t be so exceedingl y sinful a fi ction too n o t at all in her — , , |
o wn way o r o n e th at she cou ld be s u spected o f adopting

, ,
fo r few servant wenches care to be denied to visitors

-
.
T h i s word examp l e rem inds u s o f another fi n e word whi ch

is in u s e u pon these occasions —encour agement
'
P eople 111 . ,
o u r sphere m u st not be tho u ght to g i ve enco u age m ent to

” r
su ch proceedings To s u ch a f 1 an t i c height i s th i s p rin
.
3 1
4r LA ST E SSAY S O F E LI A
envelopes it an d the trick i s apparent Goodly l egs and

,
.
shou lders o f m u tton exhilarati ng cordials books pictu res

, , , ,
the o pportu nities of seeing foreign cou ntries in d ependence ,
heart s ease a m an s own ti m e tb himself are not much

,
’ ’
, ,
h owev er we m ay be pl eas ed to scandalise wi th that appella

tion the faithfu l m e tal that p r ovides the m fo r u s .
VIL — OF TWO DI S PU T ANTS ,

‘
T HE \M VAR EST I S G EN ERALLY I N

»
T HE WRONG .
OUR wou ld lead u s to qu ite an opposite c on

ex p e1 i en ce
e l u sion .Tem per indeed i s no test o f tru th ; b u t w ai m th

, ,
and earnestness are a proof at least Of a m an s o n co n v i c

w
’
tion o f the rectit ude o f that wh i ch h e m ai ntains Cooln ess .
is as often the resu l t o f an u nprincipled indi ff erence to

tru th o r falsehood as o f a sober confi dence i n a m an s own
,
’
s ide in a disp u te Nothing 1s m ore insu lting som eti m es

.
than the appearance of th 1s phi losophic te m per There is .
little Ti t u b u s the stam m ering law stationer in L incoln s

—
’
-
Inn w e have seldom kn own this shrewd little fe l l o w

engaged m an argu m ent w h e l e we were n o t convinced he
had the best o f it i f his ton gu e wou ld b u t fairly have
, C
seconded h i m When he has b e e n splu ttering excel lent

.
broken sense fo r an hou r together wr ithing and labou ri ng

t o be delivered o f the point o f disp u te —the very gist o f the
,
controversy knocking at his teeth which l i ke som e ob s t i

nate iron grating still obstru cted its deliverance —his pu ny
,
f ram e conv u lsed and f ace reddening all over at an u n fair

,
ness in t h e log i c which he wanted articu lation to expose it ,
has m oved o u r gall to see a sm ooth portly fellow o f an '
adversary that cared not a b u tton fo r the m eri ts o f th e

,
qu estion by m c 1 ely layi ng his hand u pon the head o f t h e

,
stationer and desiring h i m to be cal m (y o u r tall d i sp u tants

,
have always the advantage ) with a provoking sneer carry ,
the argu m ent clean f 1 o m h i m l n the O pinion of all the b y

standers who hav e gone away clearly convinced that
,
Ti t u b u s m u st have been in the wrong beca u se he was in a ,
passion ; and that Mr m eaning his opponent is one . ,
o f the fairest and at the sam e ti me o n e o f t h e mo s t d i sp as
si o nat e argu ers breathi n g .

P O P U LAR F A L LA C I E S 3 45
"
vi l l . .
-
TH AT V ERB AL A LL US I O N
S ARE NOT WI T , B ECA U E S TH EY
TO
W I LL NOT B EAR A TR ANSLA I N .
THE sam e m ight be said o f the wittiest l o cal al l u s i o n s .

'
A c u sto m is som eti m es as di ffic u lt to explain to a fore i gner

as a p un W hat wou l d beco m e o f a great part o f the W i t
.
o f the last age i f it were tried by this test ? , H o w wo u ld

certain topics as alderm anity cu ckoldry have sou nded to a
, , ,
Terentian au d i tory thou gh Terence hi m self h ad been al i ve

,
to translate them ?
S enator ur banus with Curr nea to boo t
f o r a synony m wo u ld b u t faintl y have done the bu siness
, .
Words involvi n g notions are har d enou gh to re n der i t is

, ,
too m u ch to expect u s to translate a so u n d and g i ve an ,
elegant v ersion to a 11ngle The Virgilian harm ony i s not .
translatable b u t by su bstitu tin g har m oniou s so u nds in

,
another langu age fo r i t To Latin ise a p u n we m u st seek .

,
'
a p u n in L atin that w i l l answer to it ; as to give an idea ,
o f the do u bl e endings in Hu dibras we m u st have re co u rse ,
to a sim ilar practice in old m onk i sh doggrel D ennis the .

,
fi ercest oppu gner o f pu ns in anci e nt or m odern tim es p r o ,
f esses hi m self highl y tick led with the

”
a stick ch i m ing to ,
”
“
ecclesiastic Y e t what is this b u t a species o f p u n a
.
'
ve rbal consonance ?
THAT THE WORST PUNS A RE TH E BES T

I X. -
.
I F by worst be only m eant the m os t far fetched and

‘
-
startling we agree to it A p u n is n o t bou nd by the l aws

,
.
which l i m it nicer w i t It is a pisto l let o ff at the ear ; n o t

. ,
a feather to ti ckle t h e intel lect It is an antic which d oes .
not s tand u po n m an n e rs b u t com es bou nding into t h e ,
presence and does n o t S ho w the less com ic fo r being

,
dragged in som eti m es by the head and shou lders ; What

‘
t h ou gh i t li m p a little or prove defective in o n e leg —all ,
the b etter A p u n m ay easily be t o o c u riou s and arti fi cial

. .
Wh o has not at o n e ti m e or other been at a party o f pro

f e s s or s ( h im sel f perhaps an old o ff ender in that l ine ) ,
where after rin ging a rou nd o f the m os t ingeniou s con ceits

,
“
e v ery m an contribu tin g h i s shot an d so m e there the m ost ,
e xpert shooters o f t h e day ; aft er m aking a poor wor d r un

3 4 6 LA ST E SSAY S O F ELI A
.he gau ntlet till it is ready to drop ; after hu nting and

wind ing it thro u gh all the possible a m bages o f si m ilar '
so u nds ; af ter squ eezing and hau ling and tu gging at it till , , ,
the very m ilk o f it will not yield a drop fu rther su ddenly

.
,
-
so m e obscu re u nthou ght o f f ellow in a corner who was

,
-
,
.
never pren tice to the trade whom the co m pany for v ery
’
,
-
pity passed over as we do by a known poor m an when a ,
money su bscription is going ro u nd no one calling u pon h i m

-
f o r his qu ota has all at once com e o u t with so m ething so

-
whi m sical yet so pertinent ; so brazen in its pretensions

, ,
yet so i m possi ble to be denied ; so exqu isitely good and so

deplorably bad at the sam e ti m e —
,
that it has proved a

, ,
Robin H ood s shot ; anythi n g u lterior to that is despaired

’
'
of and the party breaks u p u n an i m ou sl y v o tin g it to be ,
the very worst ( that is best ) p u n o f the evening This , .
species o f w i t i s the better fo r n o t being perfect in al l its

‘
parts What it gain s i n co m pleteness i t loses in natu ral

.
,
ness The m ore e xactly it satis fi es the critical the less

. ,
,
hold it has u pon som e other facu l ties The pu ns which , . .
are m ost entertaining are those which will least h e ar an

analysis Of this kind is t h e following recorded with a
.
,
sort o f stigm a in o n e o f Swi ft s Miscellanies

,
’
.
An Oxford scholar m eeting a porte r who was carry ing a ,
hare thro u gh the streets accosts h i m wi th this extraordinary ,
qu estion Prithee friend is that thy own hair o r a wig , ,
There is no excu sing this and no resisting it A m an ,

.
might blu r ten si d es o f paper in atte m pting a de fence o f it

against a critic who shou ld be lau ghter pro of The qu ibble -
.
in itsel f is not considerable It is only a new tu rn given .
by a littl e false pronu nciation to a very comm on thou gh

not very co u rteo u s inqu iry Pu t by on e gentle m an to an .
other at a dinner party it wou ld have been vapid to the -
,
.
m i stress o f the ho u se it wo u ld have sho w n m u ch less w i t ,
than ru deness We m u st tak e in the totality o f tim e place

.
, ,
and person ; the pert look o f the inqu iring scholar t h e ,

'
desponding lo oks o f the pu zzled porte r : the o n e stoppi n g
at leisu re the other hu rryi ng o n with his bu rden ; the
,
inno cent tho u gh rather abru pt te ndency o f the fi rst m em ber

of the q ues tion with the u tter and inextric able irrel eva n cy
,
34 8 L AST E SSAY S O F ELI A
x . H AN DSOM E 1s TH AT H AN DSOM E DOES .
T HOSE who u se this proverb can never have see n Mr s .
C onrady .
The sou l i f we m ay believe Plotinu s is a ray fro m the

, ,
celestial beau t y As she p a1 t ak e s m ore o r less Of this

.
heavenl y light she inform s with correspon ding characters

, ,
the fl es h l y tene m ent which she ch e e ses and fram es t o ,
h e i s e l f a su itable m ansion .
Al l which onl y proves tha t the so u l o f Mr s Conrad y m .

,
ne 1 pre exis t ent state was no great j u dge o f architect u re

, .
To the sa m e e ffect in a H ym n in hono u r o f Beau ty

, ,
divine Spenser p l atonising sings

E ve ry Sp i rit as it i s m o e p ur e r ,
A nd h at h i n i t th e mo re o f h eavenl y li gh t,
S o i t th e fair er b od y d o th p ro cu re
To h abi t m , an d i t m or e fai rl y di gh t
Wi h c h ee rful face an d ami ab l e s i gh
t t .
Fo r o f th e so u l th e b o d y fo r m d o th tak e
F o r so u l is form , an d d o th th e b o dy m ak e .
it is clear never saw Mr s Conrady

B u t Spe n ser , ,
. .
These poets we fi n d are no saf e gu i d es in philosophy ;

, ,
f o r here in his very next stanza b u t o n e i s a sav ing clau se

, ,
1
,
which throws u s all o u t again and leaves us as m u ch to ,
seek as ever z “
Ye t i t fal l s, th at m any a gent l e m i nd

o ft
‘
D wel l s i n d efo rm ed tab e rnac l e d ro wn d ,

’
t
Ei t h e r b y c h an ce , agai n s t h e cou rse o f ki n d,
O r thr o u gh u n ap tness in th e s ub s an c e fo u nd, t
Wh i c h i t assum e d o f som e st u b b orn g r o u nd,
t
T h a w il l n o t yi e l d u nto h e r fo rm s d i r e c ti o n,
’
B u t i s p er fo rm ed wi t h so me fou l i m p erfec ti on .
F ro m which it wou ld follo w th at Spenser h ad seen so m e ,
body lik e Mr s Conrady

The spirit o f this good lady her pre viou s ani ma—m u st
. .
'
-
have stu m bled u pon o n e o f these u ntoward tabernacles

which he speaks o f A m ore rebell io u s comm odity o f clay
fer a gro u nd as the poet calls it no gentle m ind—an d su re
.
hers 1s one o f the gentlest ever had to deal with — ,
P ondering u pon her inexpli cable visage —inexplicable w e

.
,
PO P U LAR FALLA C I E S 3 49
m ean , b u t b y this m od ifi cation o f the theory w e have co m e -
to a concl u sion tha t if one m u s t be plain it is bette r to be

, ,
plai n all o v er than am idst a tolerable residu e o f featu res t o

,
hang o u t one that shall be exceptionable No one can say .
o f Mr s Oo n r ad co u ntenance that it wo u ld be better i f

’
s
.
y
she had b u t a nose It 1s i m possible to p u ll her to pieces
.
in this m anner We have seen the m ost m alicio u s beau ties

.
o f her own sex baffl ed in the a ttem pt at a selection The

It is to o com plete—t o o
.
to ut ensembl e defi es particu l arizing

cons istent as we m ay say—to adm it o f these invidiou s r e
-
.
s e r v at i o n s It 13 not as i f s om e Apelles had picke d o u t here

a lip —and there a chin —o u t o f the coll ected u gliness o f
.
G reece to fl am e a m odel by
,
It is a sym m etri cal whole
.
_
.
We challenge the m inu test connoi sseur to cavil at any part

o r parc e l o f the co u ntenance in q u estion to say th at this .
o r that is i m properly pl a c e d
, We are conv inced that tru e
.
u gl iness ,
no less than is afli r m e d o f tru e beau ty is the ,
resu lt o f harm ony Like that t o o it reigns w i thou t a

.
, , ,
c om pe t i tor No o n e ever s a w Mr s Conrady wi th ou t pro

. .
n o u n c i n g her to be the pla i ne s t w o m a n that h e ever m e t
wi t h in t h e co u rse o f his l ife The fi r st ti m e that y ou ar e

.
ind u lged with a s i ght o f h e r face is an era i n yo u r exist

ence ever af t er Y o u are glad to have seen i t —like Stone
,
henge No o n e can pretend to forget it No o n e ever

. .
apologised to her fo r m ee t ing her in the street on s u c h a

day and n o t kno w ing her : the pretext wo u ld be t o o bare .
Nobody can m istake her f o r another Nobod y can say o f .
her I thi nk I have seen that face som ewhere b u t I can

, ,
”
n o t call t o m i nd where Y o u m u s t re m e m b e r tha t in s u ch
a parlo u r i t fi rst stru ck y o u —like a b u s t Y o u wondered
.
where t h e ow ner o f the h o u s e h ad p i c k e d i t u p Y o u

wond ered m ore when it began t o m ove i t s l i ps—s o m ildly
.
t o o ! N o o n e ever tho u gh t o f a s king her to sit f o r her

'
p i cture L ockets are fo 1 rem e m bran ce and it wo u ld be

.
,
clearly su perfl u o u s to hang an i m age at y o u r heart which , ,
once seen can never be o u t o f it It i s n e t a m ean face

,
.
either i t s entire originality preclu des th at N either 18 .
it o f that order o f plain faces which im prove u pon ao

q u aintance Som e very good b u t ordinary people by an
.
,
3 50 L A ST E SSA Y S O F ELI A
u nwearied perseverance i n good o ffi ces p u t a cheat upon o ur ,
eyes ; j u ggle o u r senses o u t o f their natu ral impressions

an d set u s u pon discovering good indications i n a cou n
t e n an c e which at fi i s t sight pro mised nothing less
,
We .
detect gentleness which had escape d u s lu rking abo u t an, ,
u nder lip B u t when Mr s Conrad y has done y o u a service

. .
,
h er face re m ains the sa m e ; when she has done y o u a

'
th ou sand and y o u know that she is ready to dou ble the

,
nu m ber still it is that individu al face Ne i ther can y o u

, .
say o f it that it wo u ld be a good face if it w ere n o t m arked

by the s m all pox —a co m plim ent w hich is always m ore
,
'
adm i s s i ve than excu satory—

-
'
for eithe r Mr s Conr ady never .
had the sm all pox ; or as we say took it kindly No it

-
, ,
.
,
stands u pon its O Wn m erits fairly There it is It is her . .
m ark her tok en ; that which she 1s known by

, .
XL —H T AT WE M UST N OT L OOK A GI F T H O R SE I N T HE M O UTH ‘
Nor a lady s age in the parish register We hope we

’
.
have m ore delicacy than to do either ; b u t so m e faces

spare u s the tro u ble of these dental in qu iries An d what .
i f the beast which m y f riend wo u ld f orce u pon m y ao

,
c e t an c e prove u pon the face o f it

p ,
a sorr y R
,o sinante a , ,
lean ill favou red jade whom no gentle m an cou ld think o f

,
-
setting u p in his stables ? Mu st I rather than not be ,
obl i ged t o m y fri end m ak e her a com panion to E clipse or,
L ight foot 9 A horse giver no m ore than a horse seller has

.
-
,
-
a right to pal m his spav ined art i cle u pon u s fo r go od ware .
An e qu ivalent is expected in either case ; and with m y ,
own good will I cou ld no more be cheated o u t o f m y thanks

-
than o u t o f m y mone y Som e people have a knack o f .
p u tting u pon y o u gi ft s o f no real valu e to engage y o u to ,
su bstantial gratitu de We thank the m fo r nothing Our . .
f riend Mitis car ies this h u m o u r o f never re fusing a present

—
r
to the very point o abs rdity i f it were possible to cou ple

f u
the ridicu lou s with so m u ch m istaken delicacy and real

g ood nat -
u re N o t an apartm ent in his fi n e ho u se
.
( and h e
h as a true taste in ho u sehold decorations ) b ut i s stu ff ed u p

with s o m e preposterou s print or m irror—the worst adap ted
,
to his pan els that m ay be —the p resents o f his f riends that

3 5: L AST ESSAY S o r EL I A
a s lice o f Cante rb u ry brawn T h is i s in d e ed t o h ave h i m .

‘
with i n o u rs el v e s ; t o k n ow h i m inti m atel y : s u ch p ar tici pa

ti o n i s m e th in ks u ni tive as the o l d th e olog ians phras e i t , .
Fo r t h e e c o n s i de t a t i o n s w e sho u ld be sorry if certain r e

s
u r i c ti v e re g u l a t i o ns w hi c h are thou gh t t o bea r hard u pon

,
t h e p eas antry o f th i s co u n t ry were entirel y done away wi th , .
A hare as t h e l a w n o w s ta n d s m ak es m any f r iends

, Cai n s , .
''
c o n c ili ate s l i ti u s
( k n owing h i s
g fit ) wit h a le a h o f p a r o s
'
l i t i u s ( s u s p e c ti ng hi s p arti ali ty fo r the m) pa ss es
‘
t r i dg e s .
t h e m to Lu ci u s ; w h o i n his t u rn pre fe rring h i s friend s , ,

’
re li s h to h is own m ak e s th e m over t o Marci u s t i ll i n their

,
e v e r w i d e n i n g pr o g r es s
-
an d ro u nd o f u nconscio u s circ u m ,
m i g r atio n th e y d is trib u t e t h e see ds o f har m ony over hal f a

,
.
p ar i h
s . W e ar e w e l l di s po s ed to thi s k ind o f sen sible
'
r e m e m b r an c e s ; an d a r e t h e le s s ap t to be ta k e n b y those
l i t tle ai r y to ke ns —i m pal p able to th e pal ate w hich u n d er — ,
t h e n a me s o f ring s l o cket s k e e p sakes a m u se so m e pe e ple s

’
-
, , ,
fan c y m ightily We c o u l d n e ver away wi th t he s e indi

.
e s t i bl e t r i fl e s Th e y ar e t h e ver y kick s haws an d foppery

g .
o f f ri e n d s hip
—H
.
NIL T AT HOM E 18 O M E TH O U GH
H OM ELY
H I T I S N EV IIR SO .
HOMES th e re ar e we ar e s u re th at ar e no ho m es ; t h e ho m e
, ,
o f the v e ry p o o r m an a n d an o ther w hich w e sh all s p e ak to ,
p r e s e n tly Cro wd e d p l ac e s o f e ne ap ente r tainm ent an d

.
,
t h e be n ch e s o f a l e h o u s e s i f th e y c o u l d s p e ak m i gh t h e ar ,
,
m o u r n fu l t e s ti m o n y t o t h e fi r s t To th e m th e v e ry po o r .
m an r e s o r ts f o r an i m ag e o f t h e h o m e which he c an n o t
fi n d a t ho m e F o r a s tar v e d g ra t e a n d a s can ty fi r i n g t h at
.
, ,
is n o t e n o u gh t o k e e p al i v e t h e n atu ral hea t in the fi n g e rs

o f s o m an y s h i v e i i n g c h il d r e n wi th th e ir m oth e r he fi n ds ,
in the d e pth s o f w in te r al w ay s a bl azi n g h e arth an d a hob ,
to w ar m h i s p i t tan c e o f b e e r by I n s te ad o f the cla m o u rs .
o f a wi fe m ad e gau nt b y fa m i s h i n g h e m e e ts with a c h eer

, ,
f u l at te n d an c e b e y o n d t h e m e ri ts o f th e tr i fl e whi ch he
'
c an a tl o r d to s p e n d H e h as c om panion s which h is ho m e
.
d e ni e s h i m f o r th e v el y poo r m an h as n o vi sito r s
, H e can .
l o o k in to th e go i ngs o n o f th e wo rl d an d s peak a lit tl e t o

o l i t ic A t h o me t h e r e w e no o l i ti cs S tirl i n b u t th e
p s , .
p g ,
P O P U L AR FA LL A C I E S 3 53
dom est i c . interests rea l or i m agi nary all topics that
Al l , ,
'
shou ld ex pand the m i nd o f m an and con nect h i m to a ,

‘
sy m pathy with general exi s tence are cr u shed in the ,
absorbing con s i deration o f food to be obtained f o r the

fa m ily . B eyond the p 1 1 c e o f b1 ead news is senseless and ,
i m pertinen t A t hom e there is no larder H ere there is

. .
at least a sho w o f plenty and while he cook s h is l ean ,
scrap o f bu tcher s m eat before the co m m on bars o r m unches

’
,
his h u m bler cold viands h i s relishing bread and cheese ,
wi th an onion in a corn er where no o n e refl ects u pon his

, ,
p over ty he
, has a sight o f the s u bstantial joi n t providing
'
fo r the landlord and his f a m ily H e t ak e s an interest in .
the dressing o f i t ; an d wh i le he assists in rem oving the

tri vet from the fi r e he feels that there is su ch a th ing as
,
'
beef and cabbage which h e was beginni ng t o forge t at

,
ho m e Al l t his while he d e s erts his wi fe and childre n

. .
B u t what w i fe and wha t chil d ren ! P rospero u s m e n who

, ,
ob ject to this desert ion im age to the m s elves som e clean ,
conte nted fam ily like that which they go hom e to B u t .
look at the co u ntenance o f the poor wives who fol lo w and

persecu te their good m an to the doo r o f the p u blic hou se - -
which he is abo u t to enter when so m ething like sham e ,
wou ld restrain h i m if st r onger m isery d i d not ind u ce h i m

,
to p ass the t h i e s h o l d That face gro u nd by want ; in wh i ch ,
every cheerf ul every convers able li n eam ent has been lo n g

e ff aced by m isery —
,
i s that a f ace to stay at ho m e with ? is

,
it m ore a wo m an or a wild cat alas ! it is the face o f the

,
'
.
wi fe o f h is yo u th that once s m iled u pon h i m It can

, .
s m ile no longe r What co m fort s can it s hare ? what b u r

.
thens can it l ighten ? O h t i s a fi n e th i ng to t alk o f the ,

’
hu m ble m eal sh are d together ! B u t what i f there be

no bread i n the c u pboard ? The innocen t prattle o f h i s “
children tak e s o u t the sting o f a m an s poverty B u t t h e ’ ’
children o f the very poor d o not prattle It is none o f the .
least frightf u l featu res in that condition that there is no ,
childi shness in its d w ellings Poor people sai d a sens i bl e .
'
,
'
o l d n u rse to u s once do n o t bring u p the i r chi l dren , they

d rag them u p .
The l ittle carel e s s darling o f th e weal th i e r nu rse ry 111 ,

3 54 L AST ESSAY S o r EL I A
their hovel is transform ed betim es into a premature r e fle c t

ing person No one h as tim e to dandle it no one think s it
.
,
worth while to coax it to soothe it to toss it u p and down , , ,
t o hu m o u r it There is none to kiss away its tears I f i t

. .
cries it can only be beat en It has been p rettily sai d that

,
.
,
”
a babe is f e d with m il k and praise B u t the alim ent o f .
'
'
this poor babe was thin u nnou rishing ; the retu rn to i ts ,
little baby tricks and e ff orts to engage attention bitter

-
, ,
ceaseless obj u rgation It never had a toy o r knew what a .

,
coral m eant It grew u p withou t the lu llaby o f nu rses it

.
,
was a stranger t o the patien t fondle the b u sh i n g caress the , ,
attracting novelty the costlier play thing or the cheaper

, ,
o ff hand contrivance to divert the child

-
the prattled non
sense (best sense to it ) the wise i m per tinences the whole , ,
so m e lies the apt story interposed that p u ts a stop to

, ,
present su ff erings and awakens the passion s o f you ng

wonder It was never s u ng to—no o n e ever told to it a
,
tale o f the nu rsery It was dragged u p to live or to die as .

,
i t happened It had no yo u ng dream s It broke at once

. .
into the iron realities o f lif e A child exists not f o r the .
v ery poor as any object o f dalliance ; it is only another
m o u th to be fe d a pair o f little hands to be beti m es in u red

,
to labou r It i s the rival till i t can be the c o operator fo r

.
,
-
food with th e parent It is never his m irth his d iversion .

, ,
his solace it never m ak es h i m yo u ng again with recalli ng ,
his y ou ng ti m es The children o f the ver y poor have no

.
yo u ng tim es It m akes the very heart to bleed to e ver

.
hear th e cas u al stree t talk between a poor wom an and her -
little girl a wo m an o f the better sort o f poor in a condi tio n

, ,
.
rather above the squ alid beings which we have been con
t e m p l at i n g It is not o f toys o f nu rsery books o f su m m e r
.
, ,
holidays (fi tting that age) o f the prom ised sight or play ,
o f p raised su ffic i enc y at school It is o f m angling an d .
clear s tarching o f the price o f coal s or of potatoes The

-
, , .
qu estions o f the child th at shoul d be the very ou tpo u rin gs ,
o f c u riosity i n idleness are m arked with forecast and ,
m elancholy providence It has com e to be a wom an .

,
before it was a child It has learned to go to m ark et ; it .
c h atf e r s , it haggl e s i t envies it m u rm u rs ; i t is kn o w i n

, g , ,
356 L A S T ESS A Y S o r ELI A
a sense o f distu rbance and victu als spoiled The i nferi or . .
f u nc tions o f lif e begi n to m ove heavily We cann o t c on .

‘
co ct o u r f ood Ou r chie f m eal to be

‘
nu tritive m u st b e s o l i ta r y With diffi c u lty we can e at

‘
“
.
,
be fore a gu est ; and never u nderstood what th e rel i sh o f

‘
p u blic feasting m eant Meats have no sapor n o r diges tion

.
.
,
f air play in a crowd , The u nexpected co m ing in o f a .
v isitant stops th e m achine There is a p unctu al genera .
tion who ti m e their calls to the precise co m m encem ent o f

you r dining hou r—n o t to eat — b u t to see y o u eat
-
Ou r .
k nife and fork drop instinctively and we feel that we have ,
swallowed o u r latest m orsel O thers again sho w their .
geniu s as we have said i n kno cking the m om ent y o u

, ,
have j u st sat down to a book They have a pecu liar c om .
passionate sneer with which they h O p e that they do not

,
”
interru pt y ou r stu dies Thou gh they flu tter o ff the next .
m om ent to carry their i m perti nences to the nearest st u dent

,
t hat they can call their f riend the tone o f the book is ,
spoiled we sh u t the leav es and w i th D ante s lovers read ,

’
no m ore that da y It were well i f the e ff ect o f intrus ion

.
were sim pl y c c extensive with its presence b u t it m ars all

-
the good hou rs afterwards These scratches in appearance .
leave an orifi ce that closes not hastily It is a prostitu tion .

“
o f the bravery o f f riendship says worthy B i sh op Taylor

”
, ,
to spend it u pon i m pertinent people who ar e it m ay be

'
, , ,
”
loads to their f am ilies b u t can never ease m y loads This ,
.
is the secret o f their gad d in gs their visits and m ornin g

calls They t oo have ho m es which are —
, ,
. no hom es , .
XI II .
-
TH AT YOU M US T L O VE ME A ND LO E MY DOG V .
sir or m adam — as it m ay b e w e m ost willingly

'
GOOD ,
-
em br ace the o ffer o f you r f riendship We have long .
known you r excellent qu alities We have wished to have .
nearer to u s ; to hold o u within the very innerm ost

y o u y
f old o f o u r heart We can have no reserve towards a .
'
person o f you r open and n oble natu re The f rankness o f .
you r h u m ou r su its u s exactly We have be n long lookin g

Q u ick i —
. e
f o r su ch a f riend let u s d isb u rthen o u r trou bles

in t each other s bosom —let u s m ake o u r single joy s shin e
-
.
’
o
P O P U L A R FALL A CI E S 3 57
by red u plicati on — B u t yap yap yap what i s this c o n
.
, ,
fou nded cur he h as f astened his tooth whi ch i s none o f

? -
,
”
the blu ntest j u st in the fl eshy part o f m y leg
,
.
It is m y dog sir Y o u m u st lov e h i m fo r m y sake

— —
“
.
, .
H ere Test Test Test

,
B ut he has bitten m e .
Ay that he is apt to d o till y ou are bette r acqu ai nted

, ,
w ith h i m I have h ad h i m three y ears

. H e never bites m e . .
Yap yap yap

, ,
H e is at it again .
Oh sir y o u m us t not kick h i m

, , H e does not like to be .
kick ed I expect m y d og to be treated wi th all the respect

.
”
du e to m y sel f .
B u t do y o u alway s tak e h i m o u t with y o u when y o u go ,
a f riendship h u nting -
Invariabl y Tis the sweetest pretties t best con d i

’
I call h i m m y tes t —
-
.
, .
t i o n ed an im al . the tou chstone by

which to try a friend No one can properly be said to love .
”
m e who does n o t love h i m
o r m ada m a foresaid — —
.
,
E xcu se u s dear sir , i f u pon ,
f urther consideration we are obliged to decline the otherwi se

inval u able o ff er o f you r f riendship We do not lik e d ogs ”
Mighty well sir y o u kno w the con d i tions—

. .
, y o u
, m ay
-
”
have worse offers Com e along Test .
, .
The above dialogu e is not so i m aginary b u t that in the , ,
intercou rse o f life we have had f requ ent occasions o f break

,
ing o ff an agreeable intim acy by reason o f these canine

appendages They do not always co m e in the sh ape o f
.
d og s they so m eti m es wear t h e m ore plau sible and h u m an

character o f kins folk near acqu aintances m y f ri end s friend , ,
’
,
his partner his wife o r his ch i ldren We cou ld never yet

—
~
.
, ,
form a f riendsh i p n o t to speak o f m ore delicate corre

s po n d e n c e— however m u ch to o u r t aste witho u t the inter ,
v e n ti o n o f so m e thir d ano m aly so m e i m pertinent c l og

a ffi xed to the relation—the u nderstood dog in the proverb
,
The good things o f li fe are not to be had singly b u t co m e ,
to u s with a m i xtu re ; l i ke a school boy s holiday with a -

’
task aflix e d to the t ail o f i t What a deligh tfu l co m p an ion

‘
.
is’“ " 5
i f he did n o t always bring h i s tall co u s i n with
h i m ! H e see m s t o g r ow wi th h i m ; like so m e o f those
'
.
.
358 L A S T ESS A Y S o r EL IA
do u ble b i l t h s which we rem em ber to have read o f with su ch
”
won d er and delight in the o l d Athenian Oracle where “
,
S wi f t co m m enced a u thor by writing P indaric Odes ( wh at a .
beginning for hi m !) u pon S ir William Te m ple There is .
the pict u re o f th e brother with the little brother peepi ng ,
o u t at his sho u l d er ; a species o f fraternity w hich w e have ,

-
no nam e o f k i n close eno u gh to co m pr ehend When .

-
com es poking in h i s head and shou lder into you r room as

, ,
i f to f eel his entry y o u think , su rely yo u h ave now got h i m

to y o u i s e l f—what a three hou rs chat we shall have —b u t
,
’
ever in the hau nch o f h i m and b efc ne his d i ffiden t body 1 s ,
well disclosed in you r apartm ent appears the hau nting ,
shadow o f the cou sin overpeeri ng his m odest kinsm an and

,
‘
s u re to overlay the expected good talk with his insu fferable ’
procerity o f statu re and u ncorresponding d w arfi sh n e s s o f

,
observation Misfortu nes seldom co m e alone

. Tis hard . .
’
when a blessing com es accom panied Cannot w e like . i
Se m pronia witho u t si tting down to chess w ith her eter nal

,
'
b roth er ; o r know Su l p i c i a withou t knowing al l the ro u nd

—
,
o f her card playing relations m u st m y friend s brethren

’ '
-
o f necessi t y be m ine also ? m u st we be hand and glove with
D ick Selby the parson o r J ac k Selby the calico p rin t er

,
,
-
becau se W S who is neither b u t a r ipe w i t and a critic

. .
, , ,
h as the m isfortu ne to clai m a co m m on parentage with

them Le t h i m lay down his brothers ; and tis od ds b u t
,
,
’
we w i ll cast h i m i n a pair o f ou rs (we have a s u p er fl u x ) to

balance the concession Le t F H lay down his g ar iu l ous . . .
u n cle ; and H onoriu s dism iss his vapid wi f e and super , .

,
fl u o us establ ish m ent o f six boys : th i n s between bo y and

—
g .
m anhood too ripe f o r pla y t o o raw f o r conversation that ,

.
c o m e in i m pu dently staring his father s old f riend o u t o f

,
’
cou ntenance ; and will neither aid nor let alone the con ,
f erence ; that we m ay once m ore m eet u pon equ al term s as ,
we were wont to do in the di sengaged s tate o f bachelorhood .
It is wel l i f yo u r friend o r m istress b e content wi th , ,

.
,
'
these can i c u l ar p r o b at i on s F e w yo u n g ladies b u t in thi s

’
sense keep a dog B u t when Ru tilia hou nds at y o u h er

.
'
ti ger au nt ; or Ru s p i n a e x p e c ts y o u to cherish and fondle

her viper sister whom she has preposterou sly tak en into
,
3 6 0 L A S T ESS A Y S o r EL I A
1 e s e n te d to her f h im
th the gentl m an t h at
er a wa —
p a er e as w as t o
i h no less a m son th an S i gnor D e l i n i hi m sel f
—
g ve y p p
with a s o l t o f p r i de as m u ch as to s ay Se e what I have
brou ght to do u s hono u r —the thou gh t o f s o extraordinary
, ,
a paterni ty q u i te overcam e h i m an d sl ippin g away u nder

som e p retence from t h e bride and h e r m o tley ad h erents ,
poor Merry took ho rse fro m t h e b ac k y ard to the nearest

sea coast fro m wh i ch shi p ping him sel f to A m e rica he
, , ,
shortly af ter consoled him self with a m 01 e congenial m a tch

in the perso n o f Mi s s B r u nton ; relieved fro m his intend ed
clown father and a bevy o f painted b u tf as fo r bridem aids
, . .
X1V .
—
TH A T
HOU LD R I SE W I T H T HE L ARK
WE S .
'
AT what precise m in u te tha t li t tle airy m u sician d o fi s
his night gear and prep ares t o tu ne u p his u nseasonable
,
'
m atins we are not n atu ralist eno u gh t o deter m i ne B ut

fo r a m ere h u m an gentlem an —that has no orchestra bu sine s s
.
,
t o call h im f ro m his w ar m bed to s u ch prep ostero u s e x e r '
e i ses — w e t ake ten o r h al f af t er ten ( eleven o f co m s e

, , ,
d u 1 i ng th i s Ch ristm as solstice ) t o be the v e 1 y e a1 l i e s t h o u 1 ,
at which he can beg in to think o f aban d oning h i s pillow .
To thi n k o f i t we say fo 1 to do it in earnest requ ires

,
a n other hal f ho u r s good con s iderat i on N o t b u t there am

’
.
pretty s u n risi ngs as we are told an d su c h like gawds

-
, , ,
abroad i n the w orld in su m m er t im e especi al l y som e hou rs -
be fore what we h ave assi gn ed ; wh i ch a gentlem an m ay see

, ,
as they say only f o r getti ng u p B u t hav ing been tem pted

,
.
once or t wice in e arlier l if e to ass i s t at tho s e cerem onies

, , ,
we confe s s o u r c u ri osity abated We are no longer am

b i t i ou s o f being the s u n s co u rtiers to attend at his
’
m orning levees we hold t h e good hou rs o f the dawn too

.
s acred to waste them u p o n su ch Obs ervances ; which have

in them besides so m ethin g P aga n and P ersic To s ay
, , .
t 1 u th we never anticipated o u r u su al ho u r or got u p with

, ,
the s u n (as tis called) to go a jou rney o r u pon a f oolish

’
,
“
whole day s pleas u ring b u t we s u ff ered fo r it all the long

’
,
h o u rs a f t er in l i stlessness and headaches ; Natu re herse l f

s u f cie n tly declaring her sens e o f o u r presu m ption in as
i
fi to e u l at e o u i f rail wak ing co u rses by the m eas u res
p i i n
g 1
g
P O P U L A R FA L L A CI ES 3 6 1
of tha t celestial and sleepless traveller We deny not that .
there is som ething sprigh tl y and vigorou s at the ou tset ,
especiall y i n these break o f day excu rsions It is flattering

,
-
-
.
to get the start o f a laz y w orld ; t o co nqu er D eath by proxy

in his im age B u t the seeds o f sleep an d m ortality are i n
.
u s ; and we pay u s u all y in strange qu al m s bef ore night ,
f alls the penalty o f the u n n at u 1 al in v ersion

, There fore .
,
while th e bu sy p art o f m an kind are fa s t hu dd l i n g o n their

clo thes are already u p and abo u t thei r occu pations con t ent
, ,
to have swallowed their sleep by wholesale ; we choose to

linger a bed an d digest o u r dream s It is t h e very ti m e to
-
r eco m bine the wandering i m ages which n i gh t in a con f u s e d ,
m ass presented ; t o snatch them f ro m f orgetf u lness to

shape an d m ou ld th e m S om e people have no good o f
,
.
the i r dream s L ike fast f eed ers they g u lp them t o o gross l y

.
, ,
to taste them cu rio u sly We love t o chew the c u d o f a .
foregone vi s ion ; to collect the scattered rays o f a brighte r

phantasm or act over again with fi rm er nerves the sadder
, , ,
noc t u rnal tragedies ; to drag into d ay light a stru ggl i ng -
and half vanishing night m are to handle and exam ine the
- -
terrors o r the airy solaces We have too m u ch respect fo r

. .
these spiritu al com m u nications to let the m go so lightly , .
We are not so stu pid o r so careless as that I m perial f o r ,
getter o f h i s dream s that we shou ld need a seer to rem ind ,
u s o f t h e f or m o f the m They see m to u s to have as m u ch .
signi fi cance as o u r waking concerns ; o r rather to i m port

u s m ore nearl y as m ore nearly we approach by y ears to
,
the shadowy world whither we are hastening W e have , .
shake n han d s w i th th e world s b u siness ; we have done ’
with it ; we hav e d ischarged o u rsel f o f it Wh y shou ld .
we get u p ? we have neither su it to sol ici t n o r aff airs t o ,
manage Th e dra m a has sh u t u pon u s at the fou rth act

. .
We have nothing here to expect b u t in a short tim e a ,
sick bed and a dism issal We d elight to anticipate death

-
,
.
by su ch s h ad o w s as night aff ords We are already hal f .
acqu ainted with ghosts We were never m u ch in the world

/
.
.
D isappointm en t earl y str u c k a dark veil between u s and i t s

dazzling ill u sions Ou r S pirits showed grey before o u r .
h airs The m igh ty chan ges o f th e worl d alre ady appear 9 11

.
’
N
3 6 2 L A S T ESS A Y S o r E L I A
b u t th e ain stu ff o u t o f which dram as are c o m posed We
v .
have asked no m or e o f li f e than wha t th e m i m ic i m ages in ‘
play hou ses present 11s with Even those ty pes have wax e d
-
.
fai n ter . Ou r clock appears to have str u ck

. We are SU PER .
AN N U ATED In this dearth o f m u ndan e satisfacti on we

.
,
contract politic all i ances w i th shadows It i s good to have .
f rie n d s at cou rt The extracted m ed i a of drea m s seem n o

.
i l l i n trod u c t ion to that spi r i tu al pre s ence u pon which in , ,
no long t i 1n e w e expect t o be thrown We ar e try i n g to

,
'
.
.
know a l ittle o f t h e u sages o f tha t colo n y ; to learn th e

lan gu age an d t h e faces we shall m eet with there that we ,
m ay be the less awkward at o u r fi rst co m i n g a m ong them

'
We willingly call a phanto m o u r f ellow as kno w ing we ,
s hall soon be o f their dark co m panionship There fore w e .
cherish d ream s We try to spell in the m the alphabet o f

.
the invisibl e world ; and think we know alrea dy how i t

shall be wi th u s Th e s e u ncou th shapes w hich w h ile we
.
,
cl u ng to fl esh and bl o od a ff righ ted u s have becom e fam il iar , , .
We feel attenu at ed into the i r m eagre essences and have ,
given the hand o f half way approach to 1n c o 1 p e 1 e al being -

.
We once th ou ght lif e to be so m ething ; bu t it h as u nac

c o u ntabl y fal len f 1 o m u s be f ore its ti m e Therefore we .
choose t o dally with visions The s u n has no p u rp oses of .
o u r s t o l i ght u s to Wh y shou ld we get u p

‘
XV .
-
T H AT WE S HO U LD LI E DOWN WI TH i
Tr s LA MB .
WE cou ld never qu ite u nderstand the philosoph y o f thi s

a rrange m ent o r t h e wisdo m o f o u r ancestors in s e n ding u s
,
f o r instru ction to these woo l l y bed fell ows A sheep when .

,
it is dark has nothing to d o b u t to sh u t his si lly eyes and

,
sleep i f he can M an fo u nd o u t long sixes Hail candle

.
— ,
,
l i ght withou t disparagem ent to s u n o r m o o n the kindl i est

l u m inary o f the three—i f we m ay not rather style thee
,
their radiant dep u ty m i l d v iceroy of the m oon — We love

talk sit s i lent eat dri nk sleep by c andle—
,
t o re ad , , l i ght , , , , .
They are everybody s su n and m oon This is o u 1 pec u li a1 ’

.
and hou sehold planet Wanting it what savage u nsocial .

,
nights m u st o u 1 ances tors have spent wi ntering i n caves ,
an d u nill u m ine d fas tn e sses ! They m u st have lain abo u t an d

6
3 4 L AST E SSAY S o r ELI A
cru de m aterial ; b u t fo r the fi n e shapings , t h e tr u e t u rn i ng

a n d fi l i ng as m ine au thor hath it ) , t hey m u st be content t o
(
hold the i r inspiratio n o f the candl e —The m ild internal
light that reveal s them like fi res o n the dom esti c hearth
, , ,
goes ou t in the s u n shine Night and silence call o u t the

-
.
s ta rry f ancies Milton s Mo rn i ng Hy m n in Paradise we

.
’
wou ld hold a good wager was pen ned at m idnight ; and ,
Taylor s rich description o f a s u n rise sm el ls decidedly o f the

’
-
taper E v en ou rself in these o u r h u m bler l u cu bration s

.
,
t une o u r best m easu red cad ences ( P rose has her cadences )
-
n o t u n f req u ently to the charm o f the drowsier watchm an ,
bl essing the doors ; o r the wild sweep o f winds at m i d

n i ght E ven n o w a lof tier spec u lati on than we have yet
.
atte m pted cou rts o u r endeavo u rs We wo u ld indite som e

thing abou t the Solar System —B etty bri ng the candl es
.
,
. .
,
XVI —TH A T A S U LKY TE M PER I S A N I SFORTUN E.
—
.
WE grant that it is and a very seriou s o n e to a m an s

,
’
f rien ds and to all that have to do wi th h i m ; b u t whether

,
the condition o f the m an hi m self is so m u ch to be deplored ,
m ay ad m it o f a qu estion We can speak a little to it

—
.
,
being ou rselves b u t latel y recovered w e wh i sper it i n

con fi dence reader—o u t o f a long and desperate fi t o f t h e
,
s u llens Was the c u re a blessing ? The conviction whi c h

.
f anci f ul i nj u ries f o
,
r they wer e —
w r ou ght it cam e too cle arly to leave a scru p l e o f the
m ere f ancies — which had
provoked the h u m ou r B u t the hu m ou r itself was t o o self
pleasin g while it lasted—
.
w e know how bare we lay o u rsel f

in the confession—to be abandoned all at o n c e with t h e ‘
gro u nds o f it We still brood over wron gs which we know

.
to have been im aginary ; and fo r ou r o l d acqu aintance

N whom we fi n d to have been a tru er friend than we
took h i m fo r we su bstitu te so m e phantom —a Caiu s o r a
Titi u s—
,
as like h i m as we dare t o f orm it to wreak o u r yet ,
u nsatisfi ed resent m ents on It is m or ti fyi n g to fal l at once

.
f ro m the pinnacle o f negl ect ; to forego t h e idea o f having .
been ill u sed and contu m aciou s ly treated by a n o l d friend

- .
The fi rst thing t o agg randize a m an in his o wn con ceit is ,
0 c o nce iv e o f hi m sel f as n e glecte d There let h i m fi x if .

P O P U L A R FA LL AC I E S . 6
3 5
he can To u ndeceive h i m is to d e prive h i m o f the m os t
.
t ic kl ing m orsel w ithin the range o f sel f co m placency No -

.
fl attery can co m e near it Happy is he w h o su s p e c ts his

.
f riend o f an inj u stice ; b u t s u pre m ely blest who thin k s all ,
his f riends in a conspiracy t o d epress an d u nderval u e h i m .
There is a pleasu re ( we sin g n o t to the pro fane) far beyon d

the reach o f all that the world calls j o y —a deep end u ri n g ,
satisfaction in the d e p ths where the s u perfi cial seek it not

, ,
o f d i sconten t Were we to reci te o n e half o f this m ys te ry

—wh i ch we were let into by o u r l ate diss atisfaction all the
.
w orld wou ld be in love with disrespect ; we sho u ld wear a

slight fo r a bracelet and neglec t s and contu m acies wo u ld
,
be the only m atter f o r cou rtsh i p Unl i ke to that m ysteri o u s .
book in the Apocalyp s e the stu dy o f this m ystery is u n

,
palata ble o nly i n t h e com m encem ent The fi rst sting o f a

s u spicion is grievo u s ; b u t wai t—o u t o f that wou nd wh i ch
.
to fl esh and blood see m ed so di ffi cu lt there i s bal m and ,
honey t o be extracted Y o u r friend passed y o u o n s uch o r

s u ch a day —
.
having in his com pany o n e that y o u concei v ed

worse than am big u ou sl y disposed towards y o u —passed
,
o u in the street witho u t notice To b e su re he is so m e

y .
,
thi n g short sigh ted-

and it was in you r power to have
accosted h i m B u t facts an d s an e in ferences are t r i fl e s to a
,
,
tru e adept in the science o f dissatisfaction H e m u st ha v e .

’
seen y o u ; and S who was with h i m m u st h ave been ,
the cau se o f the contem pt It galls y o u and well it m ay

.
, .
B u t have pati e nce G o ho m e and m ake the wors t o f it

.
, ,
and y o u ar e a m ade m an f ro m thi s ti m e Shu t you rs el f u p .

,
and rejecting as an enem y to yo u r p e ace every whisper

-
, ,
ing s u ggestion that b u t insin u ates there m ay be a m istake

-
r e fl e c t serio u sly u pon the m an y lesser ins tances which
ou had begu n to perce i ve in proo f of yo u r f riend s di s

’
y ,
,
.
affection towards y o u None o f the m singly was m u ch t o

-
.
the pu rpose b u t the aggregate weight is positive and y o u

,
have th i s last aff ront to clench them Thu s fan th o p r ocess .
is anything b u t agreea ble B u t n o w t o your re l i e f c o m e s

.
the co m parative facu lty Y o u conj u re u p all the kind

.
f eeli n gs y o u have had f o r yo u r f riend ; wh at y o u h ave be e n ,
to h i m an d what y o u wo u ld hav e be e n t o h i m i f he wo u l d
, ,
3 66 L AST ES SA Y S OF ELI A
have suff ered y o u ; h o w y o u de fen d ed h i m 1 11 this or tha t
—
place , and his good nam e his literary re pu tation and so ,
forth was always dearer to y o u than y ou r own ! Y o u r

,
he art spite o f itself yea rns towards hi m Y o u cou ld weep

, , .
t ears o f blood b u t f o r a restraining pri de H ow say y o u ? .
do y o u not yet begin to apprehend a com fort som e allay -
o f sweetness in the bitter w ate r si ? S top not here nor ,
penu riou sly cheat you rself o f you r reversions Y o u are on .
vantage gro u nd Enlarge yo u r spec u lations and take i n

.
,
the rest o f you r f riends as a spark kindles m ore sparks

, .
Was there one am on g the m who has not to y o u proved

hollow false sl i p p e l y as water ? B egin to think that the
, ,
r elation itself is inconsistent with m ortality That the .
v ery idea o f friendshi p with its co m ponent par ts as hono u r

, , ,
fi delity steadiness exists b u t in yo u r single boso m

, , Im age .
you rself to you rself as the only possible f riend in a world '
incapable o f that co m m union Now the gloom thickens . .
The little star o f sel f love twinkles that is to encou rage

,
-
thro gh deeper gloo s than this are not yet at

’
y o u u m Y o u .
the half point o f you r elevation Y o u are not yet believe

.
'
m e hal f su lky eno u gh

, Ad verting to the world in general
.
( as these circles in the m ind will spread to in fi nity ) re fl ect ,
with what strange i n j u stic e y o u have been treated in

qu arters where ( se tting gratitu de and the expectation o f ,
f riendly retu rn s aside as chim eras ) y o u pretended n o clai m

beyond j u stice the naked d u e o f all m e n Think the very
, .
idea o f right and fi t fl ed f rom the earth o r you r breast th e ,
solitary receptacle o f it till y o u have swelled you rself into

at least o n e hem isphere ; t h e e t h e r being the vast A rab i a
Stony o f y o u r f riends and the world aforesaid To grow .
bigger every m om ent in yo u r o w n conceit and the world ,
t o lessen ; to deify yo u rsel f at the expense o f yo u r species ;

—
—
to j u dge the world this is the acm e and suprem e point o f
you r m yste ry these the tru e PLEAS URES o r S ULKI N ESS We ’
.
profess no m ore o f this grand secret than what ou rsel f

experi m ented on o n e rainy af ternoon in the last week ,
s u lking in o u r stu dy We had proceeded to th e p e n ul t i

.
m ate point at which the tru e adept seldo m step s where t h e

, ,
c o ns i d e ration o f ben efi t f o rgot is a b o u t to m erge in the

37 2 ELI AN A
winds T w o doors in north and sou th direction an d t wo
.
, ,
w indo w s fron t in g the ris i ng and the setting s u n never

, ,
closed f rom ev ery cardinal point catch the contribu tory

,
bre ezes Sh e loves to enjoy w hat she calls a qu adruple

.
drau ght That m u st be a shrewd ze phyr that can escape

.
h er. I owe a pain fu l face ache which O ppresses m e at this -
m o m ent to a cold cau ght sitti n g by her o n e day in last

, , ,
J u l y at this receipt o f coolness

,
He r fan in ordinary .
, ,
r es em b l e t h a banner spread which she keepeth contin u ally ,
o n the alert to detect the le a st breeze Sh e possesseth an .
active and gadding m ind totally inco m m en su ra t e with her ,
person No one del i gh t eth m ore than herself in cou ntry

.
exercises and pasti m es I ha ve passed m any an agreeable .
holy day wi th her in her favo u rite park at Woo d sto ck

-
Sh e pe rform s her part in these delightf u l a m b u latory

excu rsions by the aid o f a portable gard en chair Sh e -
.
sett eth o u t with y o u at a fair foot gallop wh i ch she k eepeth -
u
p till y o u are both well breath ed and then r e o s e th she f o r
p ,
a fe w seconds Then s h e is u p agai n fo r a hu ndred paces

.
o r so and again resteth ; her m ove m ent o n these sprightl y

, ,
occas i ons being som ething between walkin g and flying

,
'
.
H er great weight see m eth to propel her f orward ostrich ,

’
f ashion I n this k ind o f rel i eved m arching I have tra

.
,
v ersed w ith h e r m any scores o f acres o n those well wooded -
and well wa tered do m ains H er delight at Oxford is in

-
.
the p u blic walks and gardens where when the weather i s , ,
not t o o oppressive she passeth m u ch o f her valu able tim e

, .
The r e is a bench at Mau dlin o r rather situ ated between ,
the fron tiers o f that an d s College

( so m e litigation ’
,
latterly abou t repairs has vested the property o f it fi nal ly

, ,
—
in s
) where
’
at the ho u r o f noon she is ordinar ily to
be fo u nd sitting —
, , ,
s o she calls it by co u rtesy

,
b u t in fact , , ,
pressing and breaki ng o f it down with her enorm ou s settl e

—
;
m ent as both those o ndat ons

f i who however are goo d
natu red enou gh to wink at i t —
u , , ,
have fou nd I believe t o , , ,
their cost H ere she t aketh the f resh air principally at

.
,
vacation ti m es when t h e walks are freest fro m interru p

-
tion o f the yo u nger fr y o f stu dents H ere she passeth .
h e r idle ho urs not idly b u t generally acco m panied with a

, ,
T HE G EN T LE G I A N T E SS 373
book —, bl e ss ed i f she can b u t interce p t so m e resident
Fellow ( as u s u ally there are so m e o f that brood le f t behind
at these peri ods ) or stray Master o f Ar t s ( to m ost o f whom
,
she is better known than their dinner bell ) with wh o m -
she m ay confer u pon any c u riou s te pic o f literatu re I .
have seen these shy gownsm en who tru ly set b u t a very ,
sli ght val u e u pon fe m al e c o n v ers ation cast a hawk s eye ,

’
u pon her f ro m the leng th o f Ma u dlin G rove and wari ly
gl i de O ff into another walk —tru e m on k s as they are an d

,
u n ently neglecti n g the delicacies o f her polished converse

g
fo r their o w n pervers e and u nco m m u n i cati ng solitariness !
Within doo r s her pri n cipal divers i o n is m u sic vocal and
-
, ,
i nstru m ental ; in both which she i s n o m ean pro f essor .
He r voice is won derfu lly fi n e ; b u t ti l l I got u sed to it I , ,
con fess it st aggered m e It is fo r all the world like that

.
, ,
o f a pipi n g b u l l fi n c h ; while f ro m her size and stat u re y o u

, ,
wou ld expect notes to drown t h e deep org an The shake .

,
which m ost fi n e singers reserve f o r t h e close o r cadence ,
by som e u naccou ntable fl exibility o r trem u lou sness o f ,
pipe she carrieth q u i te throu gh the co m position : so that

,
her ti m e to a com m on air o r ballad k eeps do u bl e m otion

like the earth —
, , ,
ru nning t h e pri m ary circ u i t o f the tu ne

, ,
and still 1 e volving u pon its o w n ax i s The e ffect as I .

,
sa i d before when y o u are u s ed to it is as agreeable as it

, ,
is altogether n e w and s u rprising The S paciou s apartm en t .
o f her o u tward f ra m e lodge t h a so u l in all respects d i s
p roportionate O f m o r e t han m ortal m ake

. she e v i n c e th ,
w ithal a tre m bling sensibil i ty a yie l ding in fi rm ity o f p u r

,
p ose,
a q u ick s u s ceptibility to reproach an d all the tra i n ,
o f d i ffi d e n t and bl u sh i ng v i rtu es which f o r their habitat i o n

,
u s u ally seek o u t a f e e bl e fra m e an attenu ated and m eagre

,
constitu tion Wi th m ore th an m an s b ulk her h u m ou rs

.
’
and occu pations ar e e m i nentl y f e m inine Sh e si ghs .

,
be i n g six foot high Sh e lan gu isheth being two feet

.
,
-
wide . Sh e worketh slender sprigs u pon the delicat e

m u slin h e r fi ngers being capable o f m o u lding a Colo s su s
—
-
, .
S h e s i p p e th h er wine o u t o f her glass daintil y her capa ,
city bei n g that o f a t u n o f H eidelberg Sh e goeth m i n .
c i n gl y wi th tho s e feet o f h e rs whose s o l i l i t y need no t

,
3 74 E L I AN A
'
fear the black o x s pressu re Softest and largest o f thy sex .
,
—
adie u ! By what parting attribu te m ay I salu te thee last ,
a n d best o f the Titanesses O gress fe d w i t h m i lk i nstead

,
~ t '
,
o f blood : not lea st o r least han dso m e am ong Oxford s

—
’
,
.
statel y str u ctu res O xford w h o in its deadest ti m e o f

, , ,
v acation can never properly be said to be em pt y having

, ,
thee to fi l l it .
THE RE Y N OLD S GALL ERY .
HE Rey nolds G allery has u pon the whole d isap , ,
pointed m e Som e o f . the portraits are interesting .
They are faces o f characters whom we (m iddle aged gentle -
m e n ) were born a l i ttl e t oo late t o re m em ber b u t abo ut ,
whom we have hea1 d o u r fathers tell stories till we al m ost

f ancy to have seen the m There is a charm in the portrait
.
o f a Rodney or a Keppel which eve n a pictu re o f Nelson ,
nu st want f o r m e I shou ld tu rn away af ter a slight

.
inspection fro m the bes t likeness th at cou ld be m ade Of

Mr s Anne Clarke ; b u t Kitty F isher is a considerable per
.
son e g o Then the dres s es o f som e o f the wom en so exactly

.
rem ind 118 o f m odes which we can j u st recall ; o f the f orm s

u n der which the venerable re l ationship o f a u nt or m other
fi rst presented them selves to o u r yo u ng eyes ; the aprons ,
t h e co if s the lappets the hoods

,
Mercy on u s ! what a
,
.
l oad o f head ornam ents see m to have conspired to b u ry a

-
pretty face in the pictu re o f Mr s Long yet could not ! .

,
”
B eau ty m u st have so m e char m ed l i f e to ha ve been able
to su rm ou nt the conspiracy of fashion in those days to
des t roy it .
The portraits which leas t pleased m e were those o f boys ,
as i n fant B a c c h u s e s J u piters & c B u t the artist is n o t

, , .
to be blam ed fo r the disgu ise No dou bt the parents .

,
wi s hed to see their chi ldren deifi ed in their lifeti m e It .
was b u t pu tting a thu nderbolt (instead o f a squ ib ) into

yo u n g m aster s hands ; and a whey faced chit was trans
’
-
formed :nt o t h e in fan t r u l e r o f Ol y n1p 11s —

h i m who w as ,
~
37 6 EL I ANA
not to h urt a lam b m ore lovel y m ore sweetly shrinkin g
,
'
, ,
than we can conceive that m ilk whi t e one which f ollowed -
—
Un a ; the pict u re altogether loo king as i f it were eternal
com bining the tr u th o f fl esh with a pro m ise o f perm a
,
nen c e like m arble .
L eonardo f r o m the o n e o r t wo speci m ens we have o f

,
b i n i n E ngland m u st have been a stu pendou s geni u s

.
, I .
scarce can th ink he has had his f ull fam e h e who co u ld ,

-
pai nt th at wonderfu l personifi cation o f the Logos o r third ,
pers on o f the Trini ty grasping a globe late in the posse s

, ,
s i on o f Mr Tr o w ar d o f P all Mal l where the hand was by

.
, ,
the boldest license twice as big as the tru th o f drawing

,
w a1r an t e d ; yet the e ff ect to every o n e that saw it by

, ,
so m e m agi c o f gen i u s was c onf essed to be n o t monstr ous ,
b u t miracul ous an d sil enci ng It cou ld n o t be gainsai d

. .
G UY F AUX .
VERY ingenio u s and s u btle write r whom there is good ,
reason f o r su specting to be an ex J esu it not u nknown -
at D ou ay so m e fi v e and twenty y ears since ( he will not

'
- -
o btru de hi m sel f at M t h again in a h u rry ) abou t a ,
twelvem onth back set him sel f to prove the character o f the
P owder Plot conspirators to have been that o f heroic self
devotedness and tr ue Christian m artyrdo m Und er the .
m ask o f P rotestant can d ou r he actu ally gai ned adm i ss ion

,
f o r his t reatise into a Lo n d o n weekly paper n o t partic u larly

'
distingu ished fo r its z eal towards either religion B u t .

,
a d m itting Cathol ic principles his argu m ents are shrewd ,

'
and incontrovertible He says .
G u y Fa u x was a f anatic ; b u t he was no hypocrite .
H e rank s a m ong good hater s H e was cru el bloody .

,
m inded reckless o f al l considerations b u t those o f an i n

,
f ur i at e d and bigoted faith ; b u t he was a tru e s o n o f the

Catholic Ch u rch a m arty r an d a con fessor f o r all tha t
, , , .
H e who can prevail u pon him self to devote his l if e for a

cau se how ev er w e m ay conde m n h i s O pinions or abhor h is
,
G UY FA U X 377
a ctions v o u ches at least fo r th e honesty o f his principles
,
an d the disinterestedness o f his m oti ves H e m ay b e .
g u il ty o f the worst pract i ces ; b u t he is capable o f t h e
greatest H e is n o longer a slave b u t f ree The conte m pt

, , .
o f death is the beginning o f virt u e Th e hero o f the G u n .
powder P lot was i f y o u will a fe e l a m ad m an an assassin ;

, , , ,
call h i m w h at nam es y ou please : still he was neither knave

n o r coward H e did not propose to blo w u p the parli a
.
m en t and co m e o ff scotf ree hi m sel f : he sho w ed that he

,
val u ed his own life no m ore than theirs in s u ch a cau se ,
where the integrity o f the Catholic fai th and the salvation

o f perhaps m ill i ons o f so u ls was at stake H e did not call .
it a m u rd er b u t a sacri fice which he was abo u t to achieve

, ,
he was arm ed with the H oly Sp i rit and with fi r e : he was

t h e Chu rch s chosen servant and her blessed m arty r He
’
.
com forted hi m self as the best o f c u t throats H ow m any -

.
’
wretches are there that wou ld have u nder taken to do what

he 1n t e n d e d fo r a s u m o f m oney i f they cou ld hav e got o ff
, ,
with i m p u nity ! H ow fe w are there who wo u ld have p u t

them selves in Gu y Fau x s situ ation to save the u niverse !
’
Ye t in the latter case we a ff ect to be thrown into greater

, ,
consternation than at the m ost u nredeem ed acts o f vi llany ;

as if the absolu te disinterestedness o f the m otive do u bled
the horror o f the deed ! The cowardice and sel fi shness o f
m an kind are in fact shocked at the consequ ences t o the m
selves ( i f s u ch exam ples are held u p fo r i m itation ) ; an d
they m ake a fearf ul o u tcry again st the violatio n o f every
princi p l e o f m orality lest they t o o shou ld be called on fo r
, , ,
any su ch tre m e n do u s sacri fi ces ; lest they in their t u rn , ,
shou ld have t o go o n the forlorn hope o f e x tr w o ffici al du ty .
Char i ty begi ns a t h ome is a m axim that prevails as well in

the cou rts o f conscience as in tho s e o f pr udence We wou ld .
be tho u ght to sh u dder at the consequ ences o f cri m e t o

others while we trem ble fo r the m to o u rselv es We talk
, .
o f the d ark and cowardl y assassin and this is well when ,
an individ u al shrinks from the face o f an ene m y and p u r ,
cha ses his o wn saf ety by striking a blow in t h e dark : b u t

how the charge o f cowardly c an be applied to the p u blic
as s assi n w h o in the v ery act o f destroy ing another lays
, , ,
37 8 E LIA N A
do w n his l i fe as the pledge an d forf e i t O f his si n cerity an d

boldness I am at a loss to d evise There m ay be barbaro us
, .
prej u dice rooted hatred u nprincipled t1 eachery in su ch

, ,
an act ; b u t he who resolves t o take all the danger and

'
o di u m u pon hi m sel f can n o m ore be b r anded with cowardice ,
than Re gu lu s devoti ng hi m self fo r h i s cou nt1 y o r Codru s ,

'
l e aping into t h e fi e r y g u lf A wi ly F ather Inqu i s i tor
p
.
,
co olly and wi th plenary au thority condem n i ng hu ndreds o f

helpless u no ff endin g victi m s to the fl am es o r the horrors
, ,
o f a liv i ng to m b while he h i m sel f wo u ld not s u ffer a ha i r

,
o f his head to be h u rt i s to m e a character witho u t any ‘
, , ,
qu al ifying tra i t in it Again The Spanish conqu eror and

.
h e r e the favou r i te Of h i s m onarch who enticed thirty

, ,
tho u sand poor Mexi cans i nto a large open b u ild ing u nder
prom i se o f stric t fai th and c o 1 d i al good will an d then set -
fi r e to it m aking sport Of the c r ies and a gonies o f these

,
delu ded crea tu res i s an instance o f u n i ting the m ost

,
h ardened cru elty with t h e m ost heartless s el fi shness H is .
plea was keeping no faith with heretics ; this w as G u y

,
Fa u x s too : b u t I am s u re at least that t h e latter kept

’
f aith with hi m sel f ; he was in earnest in h i s prof essions .
His was not gay wanton u nf eeling d epravity he d i d not

, ,
mu rder i n sport : i t was serio u s work that he had taken in

‘
hand TO see this arch bigot this heart whole traitor this
.
-
,
-
p ale m iner in the inf ernal regions sk u lki n g in his retreat ,
w ith h i s cloak an d dark lantern m oving cau tio u sly abo u t

'
,
am ong h i s barrels o f g u npowder loaded with death ; b u t not

y e t r i pe f o r destr u cti on , regardless o f the lives o f others ,
and m ore than indi ff erent to his o w n presents a pict ure o f ,
the strange i nfatu ation o f the h u m an u nderstanding b u t ,
not o f the depravity o f the h u m an w i ll witho u t an equ al , .
There were thou sands o f piou s Pap i sts pri vy to and read y
to applaud the deed when done : there was no o n e b u t o u r
O l d fi ft h o f Nove m ber f riend who still fl u tters in rags and
- -
s t raw on the occasion that had the co u rage to at t e m pt it

, .
In h i m stern d u ty and u nsh aken f aith prevailed over

n atu ral f railty .
I t is i m possible u pon Cathol i c principles not to ad m it

, ,
the force o f this 1 e ason i n g : w e can on l y n o t he lp sm i li n g

3 8 0 EL I AN A
these were b u t p r i ncip i a m al o r u m the very fi rst ru di m ents ,
o f evil Add t h en to these H erod s m aster ; ieee at Ra m ah

’
.
, , , ,
as it was deciphered by th e tears and sad threnes o f the

m atrons in a u niversal m o u rning fo r the loss o f their pret ty
in fants ; yet thi s o f H erod wil l prove b u t an in fant wick ed
ness and that o f Nero the evil b u t o f o n e city I wo u ld
, .
willin gly have f ou nd o u t an exam p l e b u t see I cannot , .
Sho u ld I p u t i n to the scale the ext ract o f the o l d tyr ants

fam ou s in antiqu e stories
B i st o n n s tab u l u m re gi s , B us iri di s aras ,

A n ti p h ates m ens as , e t Tauri cs reg n a Th oan t1s
sh o u ld I take fo r tru e story the h igh est cru elty as it was

fanc i ed by the m ost hierogly phical E gyptian — this alone ,
w o u ld weigh the m down as i f the Alps were p u t in sc ale

,
against the d u s t o f a balance F o r h ad thi s acc u r s ed trea .

,
son prospered we sho u ld have had the whole k i ngdo m

,
m ou rn f o r the inesti m able loss o f its chie f est glory i t s ,
l i fe its present j o y and all its very hopes fo r the fu tu re

, , .
F o r su ch was their destined m alice that they wo u ld n o t ,
only have in flicted so cru el a blow b u t have m ade it i n ,
cu rable by c u tti ng o fl o u r s u pplie s o f joy the whole s u c

‘
, ,
cession o f the Line Royal N o t onl y the vine itself b u t .

,
al l the gemmu l ce and the t ender oli ve branches shou ld

, ,
either have been bent t o their intentions and m ade to ,
grow crooked o r else been broken

, .
An d now a fter s u ch a s u bl i m i ty o f m alice I wil l n o t

, ,
instance in the s acrilegiou s ru in Of t h e ne i gh bo u ring t e m

ples which needs m u s t have perished in the fl am e ; nor in
,
the d istu rbing t h e ash es o f o u r en tom bed kings devou r ,
i n g their dead r u ins like sep u lchra l dogs : these are b u t

min u tes in respect o f the m i n prepared fo r the liv in g
t e m pl e s
S t rag e m i s t am n o n t ul i t
se d
Ch r i s t u s
c ad en t u m P r i n c i p u m
I m p u n e , n o fo rs an s u i
P a tri s p e r i r e t f ab ri c a .
E rgo q u ae p o te r i t l i n g ua r e tex e r e
t
Lau de s , C h r i s te , u as , q u i d o m i t u m s tr u is
In fid u m p o p ul um c um D uce p er fido
GU Y FA U X 3 8 1
In su ch strains o f el o qu ent indig n ation did J e re m y x
Taylor s y ou ng oratory i nveigh agains t that s t u pendou s

’
atte m pt which he tru l y says had no paral l el in ancient o r

m odern ti m es A centu ry an d a hal f o f E u ropean cri m es
.
has elapsed since he m ade the assertion and his posit i o n ,
re m ains i n i ts strength He wrote near the ti m e in which .
the nefario u s project h ad like to have been co m pleted .
Men s m inds s t i ll were shu ddering fro m the recentness o f

’
the escape It m u st have been w i thin his m em ory or have

.
,
been so u nded i n his ears so yo u n g by his parents that he ,
w o u ld see m in his m atu rer y ears to have re m e m bered it

, , .
No w onder then that he descri bes it in words that bu rn

, , .
B u t to u s to who m t h e tradition h as co m e slowly do w n

, ,
and has had ti m e to cool the story o f G u i de Vau x sou nds ,
rather like a tale a fable and an inven tion than tru e his , , ,
tory It su pposes s u ch gigant i c au d acity o f d aring c o m

.
,
b i n e d wi th s u ch m ore t han in fant i le st u p i di t y i n the

m o tive s u ch a com bination o f the fi end and the m onkey
—
-
, ,
that credu lity is al m ost swallowed u p in conte m plating

th e si n gu lar i ty o f the atte m pt It has accordin gl y in .
,
so m e degree shared t h e fate o f fi ction It is fam i l i ari zed

,
.
to u s in a kind o f serio lu dicro u s way like the story o f -
Guy of War wi ck or Val en ti ne and Ors on The way which

,
.
we take to perpetu ate the m e m ory o f this deliverance i s

well adapted to keep u p this f abu lar notion B oys go .
abou t the streets ann u ally w i th a beggarly scarecro w

dressed u p which is to be bu rnt indeed at night with
, , ,
h o l y zeal ; b u t m eant i m e they b e g a pen ny f o r p o or Guy

, ,
this periodical petition which we have heard fro m o u r ,
infancy com bined with the d r e s s and appearance o f th e

,
e ffi gy so well calcu lated to m ove co m passion has the e ffe c t

, ,
o f qu ite re m oving f ro m o u r f anc y t h e horrid circ u m sta n c e s
o f the story which is thu s com m e m orated ; and in oo r Gu

p y
v ainly sho u ld we try to recogn i se any o f the feat u res o f
that tr em endo u s m adm an in ini qu ity G u ido Vau x with , ,
h i s horrid crew o f acco m pli ces that so u gh t to e m u l a t e ,
e art hqu akes and b u rsting volcanoes in their m ore th an
m ortal m isch i ef .
Indee d the whole c ere mony o f bu rn ing G uy F aux o r

, ,
3 8 2 EL I A N A
the P op e , as he is indi ff erently called is a so rt of Tr eas on ,
Traves ti e and ad m irably adapted to lower o u r fee l ings u pon

,
this m e m orable s u bject The printers o f the little d u o

.
~
decim o P r ayer B oo k printed by T B ask e tt in 1 7 4 9 which

,
l
.
,
ae
,
has the e ffi gy o f his sacred m aj esty G eorge II piou sly .
pre fi xed have ill u strated the service (a very fi n e o n e in

,
itself) which is appointed f o r the anniversary o f this d ay

, ,
with a print which it is not very easy to describe ; b u t

,
the contents appear to be these : The s c e n e i s a roo m I

conjectu re in the kin g s palace Two persons —o n e o f
'
,
’
.
,
who m I take to be J am es him self f ro m his wearing his

hat while the other stands bare headed—are intently s u r
,
v e in
y g a sort o f spec u l u m or m agic m irror which,
stands ‘
,
u pon a pedestal in the m idst o f the roo m in which a l i ttle ,
fi gu re O f G u y F a u x w i th his dark lantern approaching ,
the door o f the Parli am ent H o u se is m ade discernibl e by ,
t h e l i ght proceeding f ro m a gr eat eye which shines in fro m

the top m ost corner o f the apartm ent ; by which eye th e
pio u s artist no do u bt m eant to d esig n ate Provi dence On .
-
the other side o f the m irror is a fi gu re doing som ethi ng

which pu zzled m e when a child and contin u es to p u zzle ,
m e now The best I can m ake o f it is that it is a con '
.
,
s i r a t o r bu sy la i n g the tra i n ; b u t then wh y is he r e p r e

y
p , ,
sented i n the king s cha m ber Conjectu re u pon so fan

’
t as t i c al a desig n is vain ; and I only n otice t h e print a s

bei n g one O f the earliest graphic representa tions which
woke m y childhood in t o wonder and do u btless com bined , ,
w i th the m u m m ery bef ore m entioned to take O ff the edge ,
o f that horror which the naked historical m ention o f G u ido s

’
consp i racy cou ld n o t have failed o f exciting .
N o w that so m an y years are past since t hat abo m inable

m achination was happily f ru strated it will not I hope h e , , ,
consi dered a profane sportin g with the s u bject i f we take ,
Th e sam e , I p re su m e u po n wh o m th e cl ergy m an i n th e so n g o f
,
an d Mo se s,
”
th e Vi c ar no t w i th ou t j u d gme n t , p ass es t h is m e mo rab l e
ce n su re
Here Mo se s
, th e k m g
a s c an d al o u s th i n g
’
Tis
That t hi s B as ke tt sh o ul d p ri n t fo r t h e Cro wn .
8
3 4 E LI A N A
f ull conclave above : Fa u x j u s t ready with h i s tram and
m atches below — i n his hand a reed ti p t with fi r e ”
Ho
“
, .
a pplies t h e f atal eng ine .
To assist o u r notions still fu r ther let u s s u ppose so m e ,
l u cky dog o f a reporter w h o had escaped by m i racle u pon ,
s o m e plank o f S t S t ephen s benches and ca m e pl u m p u pon

’
.
,
the roof o f the adjacent Abbey ; f ro m whence descending ,
at som e neighbou ring co ffee hou se fi rst wiping h i s clothes -
and calling fo r a glass o f lem onade he sits down an d ,
reports what he h ad hea r d and seen ( quo r um p ar s magna

f u i t) fo r the Mo rn ing P os t o r the Co u r i er
,
We can scarcely .
i m agi ne h im d e scri b i n g the event in any other words b u t

s o m e s u c h as the s e
A m oti on was p u t an d carried that this H o use do ad ,
j ou r n ; that the speaker do

qui t th e ch a i r The H o u se RO S E .
”
am i d cla m o u rs fo r order .
I n som e su ch way the event m ight m ost t echnicall y have

be e n conveyed t o the p u bl i c B u t a poetical m ind not .
,
content w i th this dry m ethod o f narration cannot help ,
p u rs u ing the e ffects o f this trem end ou s blowing up this ,
adjou rnm ent in the air si ne d ie It see m s the benches ,

.
m o u nt the chair fi rst and then the benches ; and fi rst

,
-
the treasu ry bench h u rried u p in this nitrou s explosion

, ,
t h e m e m bers as it were pairing o ff ; Whigs and Tories

, ,
tak i n g their friendly apotheosis together (as they did their

sandwiches below in B e llam y s room ) Fancy in her ’
.
,
fl i ght keeps pace with the aspiring legislators : she sees

,
the awf ul s e at o f order m ou nting ti l l it becom es fi nally ,
fi x e d a cons tellation next to Cassiopeia s chair the wig ’

-
, , ,
o f h i m that sat in it taking its place near Berenice s cu rls :
—
’
S t P e ter at heaven s wicket no n o t St Peter

’
.
, St ,
-
, .
, .
Ste p hen wi th open arm s receives his own

, , .
While Fancy beholds these celestial approp ri ations Rea ,
s o n no less pleased discerns the m i g hty bene fi t which s o

, ,
co m pl ete a renovation m u st produ ce belo w Le t the m ost .
dete r m ined fo e to corru ption th e m ost thorou gh paced ,

-
r e d r o s s er o f abu ses try to conceive a m ore absolu te pu r i

,
fi c a t io n o f the h ou s e than this was calc u lated to p ro

du c e Wh y p ri d e s pu rge w as nothing to it The wh o le
’
. .
,
A VI SI O N O F H O RN S 8
3 5
borou gh — m ongering syst e m wo u ld h ave be e n go t rid o f fairl y ,
ex l o ded ; w i th it the senseless distinc tions o f party m u s t

p
have d i sappeared faction m u st have vanished corru ptio n
, ,
have expi r ed in air F ro m Hu ndred Tything and Wap e n

. , ,
t ake som e n e w Alfred wo u ld have convened in all i ts

,
p uri ty the prim itive Wite n age m o te fi x e d u pon a basis o f

, ,
— ,
p ropert y or pop u la t ion per m ane n t as t h e poles .
F ro m this dream o f u ni v ersal restitu t i on Reason and ,
F an c y w i th diffi cu lty a w ake to vie w the real state o f

things B u t blessed be H eaven ! S t St ephen s walls are
.
, .
’
yet standing all her seats fi rm l y s e c u red ; n ay so m e have

, ,
dou b t ed ( s i n ce the S ep tennial A c t ) whether g unpo w der

i tsel f o r anything short o f a com mi ttee above s ta ir s wou ld
, ,
be able to shake any o n e m e m ber f rom his s eat That .
grea t and fi nal i m prove m en t to the Abbey which is all

t h at see m s wanting —the re m oving Westm i ns te r H all and
,
i ts appendages and letting in the vie w o f the Tha m e s

, ,
m u st n o t be expected in o u r days D is m issing there fore .

, ,
a l l s u ch spec u lations as m ere tales o f a t u b it is the d u ty ,
o f every honest E nglish m a n to en d eavo u r by m eans less ,
wholesale than G u i do s to am elio r ate witho u t exting u ish

’
, ,
ing parl i am ents to hold th e la nter n to the dark places o f

,
corru ption ; to apply the match to the rotten parts o f the

syste m only ; and to wra p h i m self u p not in the m u tfl i n g ,
m an tle o f consp i racy b u t in t h e war m hones t cl oak o f

, ,
in tegrity and patri otic intention .
A VI S I O N OF H ORN S .
Y tho u ghts had b e e n engaged last evening in solvin g

the problem why i n al l ti m es and places the hor n
,
has been agreed u pon as t h e sym bol or hono u rabl e badge , ,
o f m arried m e n Moses ho rn the horn o f A mm on o f

.
’
, ,
Am al thea and a cornu copia o f l egends besides cam e to m y

, ,
r ecollect i on b u t aff orded no satis f actory sol u ti o n o r rather

, ,
i nvol ved the q u estion in deeper obsc u rity Tired wi th .

3 8 6 EL I AN A
th e f ru itless chase o f i n e x p l i c an t an alogi es I fell as leep , ,
and dream ed i n this fashion :

Methou gh t certain scales o r fi l m s f ell f ro m m y eyes -
which had h i therto hindered these little to kens f rom being ‘
visible I was so m ewhere in the Cornhill ( as it m ight be

.
term ed) o f som e Utopia B u sy citizens jostled each other .

,
as they m ay do in o u r streets with care (the care o f m aking ,
a penny ) written u pon their foreheads ; and so mething el s e ,
which is rather i m agined than disti nctly i m aged u pon th e ,
brows o f m y o w n friends and fello w townsm en -
In m y fi rst s u rpr i se I su ppos ed m y s e l f ot ten into som e G
—
, ,D
f orest Arden to be s u re or Sherwood ; b u t t h e dresses

, , ,
and deportm ent all civ i c f orbade m e to continu e i n that

, ,
del u sion Then a scriptu ral thou gh t crossed m e ( especial ly

.
as there were nearly as m any J ews as Christians am ong

them ) whe ther i t m i ght not be the chi ldre n o f I srael goin g
,
u
p to bes i ege J ericho I was u ndeceived o f both errors by .
t h e s ight o f m any f aces which were fa m il iar to m e I .
fo u nd m ysel f strangel y ( as it wi ll happen in drea m s ) at

one and th e s am e ti m e in an u nknown co u ntry wi th known
com panions I m e t o l d f riends not with new f aces b u t
.
, ,
with their o l d faces oddly adorned in front with each m an ,
a certain corneou s excrescence D ick Mitis the little chee s e .

,
m onger in S t s P assage was the fi rst that salu ted ’

-
.
,
m e with his hat o ff (y o u know D ick s wa y to a c u sto m er)

’
‘
and I not be i ng aware o f h i m he thru st a strange beam

, ,
i nto m y lef t eye w h i ch pained an d grieved m e exceed ,
i n gl y ; b u t instead o f apology he only grinned and fl e e r e d

, ,
i n m y face as m u ch as to say ,
It is the c u s to m o f the ,
“
”
c o u ntry and passed o n
,
.
I had scarce tim e to send a civ i l m essage to his l ady ,
whom I have always adm ired as a pattern o f a wi f e and ,
d o indeed take D ick and her to be a m odel o f conj u gal

agree m en t and harm o n y whe n I f elt an u gly s m art in m y ,
neck as i f som eth i ng had gore d it b ehi nd ; an d tu rni n g

it was m y o l d fri end and nei ghbo u r D ril c e t t h e
, ,
r o u nd , , ,
con f ection er who m ean i ng to be pleasant had thr u s t h i s

y , ,
p rotu berance right i nto m y nap e an d see m ed pro u d o f h i s ,
p ower o f o ff ending .
3 8 8 E LI A N A
as i f he th o u gh t h i m s e l f t h e o n l y m an He i s n o t th an ie d .
yet ; b u t on M onday next he le ads t o t h e altar the a ec o m

li s h e d w idow D acres relict o f o u r l ate s h e r i fi
"
p , .
”
I see s i r said I an d obse r ve that he is happ ily f r e e
, , ,
from the na tional goi tr e ( l e t m e ca l l i t) which d i st i n g uishes

m ost o f yo u r co u ntry m e n
”
.
L ook a little m ore narro w ly s aid m y c ond u ctor , .
I p u t o n m y spectac l es ; an d obse r vi n g the m an a l i t tl e

,
m o r e di l igently a bove his f orehea d I co u ld m ark a th e n

,
san d l i ttle tw i n kling shadows danci n g the hornpipe ; li t tl e

horn l e t s an d r u di m e n ts o f ho rn o f a s oft and papp y cons i s t
, ,
e n c e ( fo r I handled s o m e o f the m ) b u t wh i ch li ke coral o u t , ,
o f water m g u i d e i n for m ed m e wo u ld i n f allibl y sti ff e n a n d

, y ,
g row ri g id w i th i n a wee k o r two fr om the e xpirat i on o f h i s

bac helorhood .
Th e n I saw som e horn s stran gely growing o u t beh ind

an d m y i n te r preter exp l ai ned the s e to be m arr i ed m e n ,
w h o s e w i v e s had co n d u cted t he m s elves with in fi n i te ro

p
r iet s i n c e t h e per i od o f their m ar r i age b u t were tho u ght
p y ,
t o h ave ant e dat e d the i r good m en s t i tles by cer tain liber

’
t i e s th e y h ad ind u lged the m selve s i n prior t o t h e cere ,
m ony Th i s kind o f gentry w e r e their horn s backwards

—
.
,
as h a s been said in t h e fa shion o f the o l d i ta i ls an d as

, p g ,
there was noth ing obtru si v e o r o stentatiou s in the m n obo dy ,
took any notice o f it .
So m e had pre tty l i ttle b u dding an tlers like the fi rst ,
e s s ays o f a yo u ng fawn These he to ld m e had wive s

.
, ,
whos e a ff a i rs were in a hopef u l way bu t n o t qu i te brou ght ,
to a co n cl u sion
'
.
O thers had no thing to sho w : o n ly b y certain red angr y

m arks and swelli n gs in their fore h eads whi ch itched t h e ,
m c r e they kept r u bbi n g and cha fi n g them it was to be ,
h e } ed that so m ething was brewing .
I took not i ce tha t e v ery o n e jee red at the rest only none
'
,
too k notice o f the s e m ap tai ns ; yet these were as well

p rovided with their tokens as the best a m ong the m Thi s .
k i nd o f people it see m s takin g their w ives u pon so contin

, ,
gen t tenu res their lot was considered as nothing bu t na

,
t ura l : s o they w e r e their m ar ks withou t im p eachm ent, as

A VI SI O N or H O RN S 8
3 9
they m ight carry the i r cockades ; and n o bo d y res p e c ted
t he m a whit the les s f o r it .
I ob se r v e d that the m ore spro u ts grew o u t o f a m an s

f ’
,
head the les s weig ht they see m ed t o c arry with the m ;

,
whereas a si n gle to ken w o u ld n o w an d th en appear to gi ve

the wearer so m e u neasi n ess This shows t h at u se i s a g r ea t .
thing .
S o m e h ad their ad o r n i n g s gilt wh i ch n e e ds no exp l ana ,
ti on while o t he 1s l i ke m u s i c i ans wen t s o u n d in g th e i rs

be fore the m —
, ,
a sort o f m u s ic which I tho u ght m i ght v e r y

,
well have been sp ared .
It w as pl e as ant to s e e so m e o f t h e citizen s en co u n t e r
betwee n the m selves ; how they s m iled in t he i r sleev e s a t
t h e sh oc k they r e ceived fro m t h e i r neigh b o u r an d n on e ,
s ee m ed conscio u s o f t h e sho c k wh ich t hei r n e i ghbo u r e x e

p
r i e n c e d in retu r n .
So m e had gr eat co r neo u s stu m ps see m ingly t orn o ff and ,
bleedin g Th ese t h e i n terp re t er warn e d m e were h u s

.
, ,
bands who had reta liated u p o n t h e i r w ives and th e bad ge ,
w as i n eq u i t y d i vided be t wee n the m .
While I s tood d iscerni n g t he s e things a slight tw eak o n ,
m y cheek u naware s wh i c h b ro u ght t ears into m y eyes i n

, ,
t r o d u w d t o m e m y f ri end P l a cid betw e en who s e lad y an d a ,
certa in m ale cou s in s o m e i dle fl ir tatiou s I r e m e m b er t o h ave

heard talked o f ; b u t th at was al l H e saw he had so m e .
h o w h u rt m e an d asked m y pardon with that rou nd u n

, ,
c on s cio u s f ace o f h i s ; an d look e d s o tri s tf u l and contri te
f o r h is n o o fi e n c e t h at I was a sha m ed f o r th e m an s pe ni
’
-
tence Ye t I prote st i t was b u t a scratch It w as t h e

. .
leas t l i t tl e hor n e t o f a horn t hat cou l d be fram ed Sham e .
o n the m an I se cretly exclai m ed who cou ld thru st so

” “
, ,
m u ch as the val u e o f a hair into a bro w so u ns u spe cting

an d in o ff e n s ive ! What then m u st they have to ans wer
, ,
f o r who plant great m onstro u s ti m ber like proj e cting

, , ,
-
antl e rs u pon the h eads o f th ose who m t hey ca ll their

f riends when a p u n ctu re o f this atom i cal tenu ity m ad e
,
m y eyes t o water at this rate ! All the pincers at Su r

e ons Hall can n ot p u ll o u t f o r P lacid th at litt le hair
’
g .
I w as cu riou s t o k now what becam e o f these fron tal

'
390 E LI A N A
excrescences when the hu sbands died ; and my gu ide i n
f or m ed m e that t h e chem ists in their cou ntry mad e a con
s i d e r ab l e pro fi t by the m extrac ting f rom them certain ‘
s u btile essences : and then I rem em bered that nothing was

so effi caciou s in m y o w n fo r restori ng swooning m atrons , ,
and wives trou bled wi t h the vapou rs as a strong sni ff o r ,
two at the com position appropriately called hartshorn ,
f ar beyond sal vol a ti l e .
Then also I began to u nderstand why a m an who i s the

jest o f the co m pany is said to be the bu tt —
,
, as m u ch as to ,
s ay s u ch a o n e b u t t e t h with the horn

,
.
I inqu ired i f by no operati on these wens were ever ex

t racted ; and was told that there was indeed an order o f
dentists whom they call canonists in their langu age w h o
, ,
u ndertook to restore the f orehead to its prist i ne s m ooth '
ness ; b u t that ordinarily it was n o t done withou t m u ch

co s t and trou ble ; and when they s u cceeded in plu cking,
o u t the o ffending part it lef t a painfu l void which cou ld

, ,
n o t be fi lled u and that m any patients who had su b

p ;
m i t t e d to t h e excision were eager to m arr y again to s u pply ,
with a good second antl er the baldness and deform ed gap

le ft by the extraction o f the for m er as m e n losing their ,
natu ral hair s u bstitu te fo r it a less beco m ing periwig .
Som e horns I observed beau ti f u lly taper sm ooth and (as , ,
it were) flowering These I u nderstand were the portions

.
b r o u ght by h an d s o m e w o m e n t o t heir spou ses and I pitied

t h e rou gh hom ely u nsightly de form i ties o n the brows o f
, ,
others who had been d eceived by plain and ordinary part

,
ner s Y e t the latter I observed to be by far the m os t

. ,
com m on ; the solu tion o f which I leave to the natu ral

philosopher .
On e tribe o f m arrie d m e n I part i cu larly ad m ired at who , ,
instead of horns wore ingraf ted o n their f orehead a sort o f

,
”
horn book -
This qu oth m y gu ide is th e greatest m y s
.
, ,
t e ry in o u r cou ntry and well worth an e xplanation

, Y ou .
.
m u st know that all in fi delity is not o f the senses We . .

'
have as we ll intelle c tu al as m aterial w i t to l s These whom u ,
o u s e e d e c o rat e d with the order o f the book are t r ifl e r s

y , ,
w h o e n co u rag e abou t their wi ves presence the society of

’
39 2 EL I AN A
gloriou s desire o f setting hi m self forth to ad v antage in the
eyes o f the other sex with which vanity too m any o f o u r
—
,
y o u n
g sparks n o w a days are in fected
-
; b u t to do cred i t as ,
we say to the o ffice F o r this reason he e verm ore t aketh

, .
,
care th at his desk or his books receive no so i l ; the which

things he i s com m onl y as solici tou s to have fair an d u n
ble m ished as t h e owner o f a fi n e horse is to have h i m
,
appear in g o od keep .
H e rise th early in the m orning ; n o t beca u se early ri s i n g

c o n d u ce t h to health tho u gh he doth n o t al together desp i se
(
that considerati on ) b u t ch i e fly to t h e i ntent that he m ay be
,
fi r st at the des k There is his post there he d eli gh teth

.
,
-
to be u nless when his m eals or necessi ty calleth h i m away ;

,
w h ich ti m e he alway esteem e th as l o st an d m aketh as ,
s hort as poss i ble .
He is te m perate i n eati n g and drinking that he m ay ,
preserve a clear head and steady hand fo r his m aster s s e r ’
v i ce H e is also par tly indu ced t o this obs ervation o f the

.
r u les o f tem pera n ce by his respect fo r religion and the laws

o f his co u ntry ; which things it m a once f all be noted
y or , ,
do add special ass istances to his acti ons b u t d o not and can ,
not fu rni sh the m ain spring or m oti ve thereto H is fi rst .
a m bition as appeareth all along is t o be a good cl erk his

, ,
next a good Chri s tian a good patriot & c

, , ,
.
Corre s pondent to this he keepeth h i m s e l f honest n o t f o r

, ,
f e ar o f the laws b u t beca u se he ha t h o b served h o w u n

,
see m ly an article it m aketh in the day book o r ledger when -
'
a s u m is set down lost o r m is s i ng ; it bei ng h is pride to

ma ke these books to agree and to tal l y the one s i d e wi t h ,
the other with a sort of architectu ral sym m etry and corre
,
s p o n de n c e .
H e m arrieth o r m arr ieth not as best s u i t e t h with his

, ,
e m ployer s views Som e m erchants do the rather desire to

’
.
have m arried m e n in their cou nting ho u ses becau se t hey -
think the m arried state a pledge f o r their servan t s i n ’
t e g r i ty and an incitem ent to the m to be ind u strio u s ; a n d

,
it was an observation o f a late Lord Mayor o f London th a t ,
t h e sons o f clerks d o generall y prove clerks them selves ,
an d that m erchan ts enco u raging perso n s in their e m plo

y
T HE G O O D C LER K 3 93
to m a rr y , and to have fam ilies was the best m ethod o f ,
sec u ring a breed o f sober i n d u str io u s y oung m e n attached ,
to the m ercanti le interest B e this as it m ay s u ch a .

,
;
c haracter as we have bee n describing will wai t till the
pleasur e o f his em ployer is known on t his point ; and

r eg u l at e th his desires by the c u s to m o f the ho u se o r fi r m
to which he belongeth .
H e av o id e th profane oaths and jesting as so m u ch time ,
lost f ro m his e m ploy What spare ti m e he hath fo r conver

.
sation which in a cou ntin g ho u se su ch as we have been

, ,
-
su pposing can be b u t sm all he spendeth in p u tting season

, ,
able qu esti ons to s u ch o f his fellows (and som etim es r esp ect
ul ly to the m aster hi m sel f who can give i or ation
f ) h i m n f m
respec ting the price and qu ality o f goods the state of ex ,
change o r the latest i m provem ents in boo k keeping thu s

,
-
m aking the m otio n o f his l i ps as well as o f his fi ngers s u b , ,
serv ient to his m aster s interest N o t that he refu seth a

’
.
brisk saying o r a cheerfu l sally o f wit when it com es u n

, ,
f orced is f ree o f o ff ence and h a t h a con v enient brevi ty

, , .
F o r t his reason he hath co m m onl y so m e s u ch ph rase as

,
th 1 s i n his m o u th :
’
It s a s l o ve n l y l oo k
To b l ot your b o ok .
Red i nk for orn amen t , b l ack fo r u s e

Th e b est o f th i ngs ar e o p en t o abu se .
So pon the eve o f an y great holy day o f which he

u -
keepeth o n e o r two at least every year he will m errily ,
say in the hearing of a confi den t ial f riend b u t to none

, ,
other ,
“
All wor k an d n o p l ay
Mak es J ac k a d u l l boy .
A bo w al ways b en m u st t c r ack a t l ast .
B ut then this m u st always be u nderstood to be spoken

c on fi dentially and as we sa y un der th e r o se
, , ,
.
Las t ly his dress is plain wi tho u t sing u lari ty ; with no

, ,
~
other ornam ent than the qu ill which is the badge o f h i s ,
f u nction stu ck beh i nd the dexter ear and this rath er fo r

, ,
394 ELIA N A
co nve ni e nce o f having it at hand when he hath been called ,
a w y f r o m h i s d e sk and e x e c te t h t o res u m e his s ea t t here

a p ,
agai n s ho r tly than fr om any deligh t which he taketh i n

,
foppery o r os t e ntati on The colou r o f his clothes i s ge n e '

.
rally noted to be black rather t han brown brown rather ,
th an blu e o r green H i s whole deportm ent i s s t ai d m odest

.
- l
, ,
I
and ci vi l H i s m otto is Regu lari ty
.
”
.
Thi s character was sk e tched in an i n terval o f bu siness

“
'
,
t o d i ver t s o m e o f t h e m elancholy hou rs o f a co u nt i ng hou se

i -
.
It i s so little a creatu re o f f ancy that it is scarce anythi ng

«
,
m ore than a r e c o l l e c ti on o f so m e o f those f ru gal and e co n o k

' -
m ical m ax i m s which abou t the beginn i ng o f the l ast

, ,
‘
centu ry (England s m eanest period ) were endeavou red to ’
be i nc u lcated and instilled into the breasts o f the London

A pprentices *
by a class o f inst ru ctors who m ight n ot
.
i naptly be te rm ed The Masters of Mea n Morals The -

.
”
as t on i sh i ng narrowness and i lliberality of the lessons con '
t ai n e d in so m e of those books is i nconceivable b y those

.
'
whose stu dies have not led them that way and would
:
,
alm ost ind u ce one to su bscribe to the hard censu re which '
‘
D rayton has passed u po n the m ercantile sp i ri t
Th e gri p p l e m erc h an t , born to b e t h e c u r se
Of t h i s b r ave i s l e .
l have n o w lying be fore m e that cu riou s book by D ani el

D e f oe ,
The Com plete English Tradesm an The pom pou s .
de t a i l t h e stu died analys i s o f every little m ean art eve 1 y

, ,
sneaking address every trick and s u b t e i f u ge short of

, ,
larceny that is n ecessary to the trades m an s occu pation

,
’
,
with the h u ndreds o f anecdotes d i alogu es ( in D efoe s ,

’
liveliest m anner) in ter spersed all tending to the sam e ,
am iable p u rpose nam ely the sacrifi cing o f every honest

e m otion o f the sou l to what he calls the m ain chance —i f
-
, ,
y o u read it in an i r on i c a l s ens e and as a piece o f co ver ed ,
s a ti r e m ake it o n e o f the m os t am u sing books which D ef oe

,
ever writ as m u c h s o as any o f h i s bes t novels It 18 di di

,
.
Th i s term desi gnat ed a l a g l as s f y o ng m en th an t h at tor er c o u
wh i ch i t is no wco nfin ed I t too k i n th e ar ti c l ed . c l erks of merch an ts

11nd b ank er s, t h e G eorge B arn well s o f t h e day .
396 E LIAN A
the over pers u asions o f a f ou rth lady was indu ced to go t o
-
,
'
it ; which she does declaring be forehan d that she will b u y

,
n othing b u t give h i m all the tro u ble she can

,
H er attack .
and his defence her insolence an d his persevering pati ence

, ,
are described in colou rs worthy o f a Mandev ille ; b u t it is

t o o lon g to recite The short in ference f rom this long “
—
.
”
di sco u rse says he
,
is this that here y o u see and I
,
“
, ,
Co u ld give y o u m an y exam ples like this how and i n what ,
m anner a shop k eeper is to behave h im sel f in the way o f

his bu siness ; what i m pertinences what tau nts fl ou ts and , , ,
ridicu lou s thi ngs he m u st bear in h i s trade ; an d m u st not

,
show the least retu rn or the l east s i gnal o f disgu st : he ,
m u st have no passio n s no fi r e in his te m per ; he m u st be ,
all sof t an d s m ooth ; nay i f his real tem per be natu rally ,
fi ery and hot he m u st show none o f i t in his shop he m u st

,
be a perf ect co mp l ete hyp ocri te i f he will be a co mp l ete tr ades ,
man .
l ae
It is tru e natu ral te m pers are n o t to be always
,
counterf eited : the m an cannot e as i l y b e a lam b in his shop

’
and a lion i n him self ; b u t let it be easy or hard it m u s t , ,
be done and i s done There are m e n who have by c u stom

’
.
,
and usage brou ght the m selves to it that n othing cou l d b e ,
m eeker and m i lder than the y when behi nd the Co u nter ,
and yet nothing be m ore f u rio u s and raging in every other

part o f life : nay the provocations th ey have m et with in
,
their shops have so irritated their rage that they wou ld go ,
u pstairs fro m their s hop and f all into f renzies an d a kind , ,
o f m ad ness and beat their heads against the w al l an d

, ,
perhaps m ischie f the m selves i f not prevented till the , ,
violence o f it had gotten vent and the passion s abate an d ,
cool I heard once of a shopkeeper that behaved him self

.
"
th u s to su ch an extrem e that when he was provoked by , ,
t h e i m pertinence o f the cu stom ers beyond what h i s te m pe r
co u ld bear he wou ld go u pstairs and beat his wif e kick

, ,
h i s ch i ldren abou t lik e dogs and be as f u rio u s fo r two o r ,
three m inu tes as a m an chained dow n i n B edlam ; an d

again when that heat was over wo u ld sit d o w n an d cry
‘
, , ,
f aster th an the childre n he had ab u sed ; and after the fi t , ,
A s no q ual ifi cati o n ac c om pani es th i s m axi m, i t m ust be u n d e rstood
as th e genui ne sen ti men o f th e au th o r ! t

T HE G O O D C LE RK 3 97
he wou ld go down into the shop again and be as h um ble , ,
cou rteou s and as cal m as any m an whate ver ; so absolu te

, ,
a governm ent o f hi s passions had he i n the shop and so ,
little o u t o f it : in the shop a so u lless anim al that wou ld ,
resent nothing ; and in t h e fam ily a m adm an : i n the shop , ,
m eek like a lam b ; b u t in the fam i ly ou trageo u s like a ,
L y b i an li o n The s u m of the m atter i s it is necessary fo r

.
,
a tradesm an to su bject h i m self by all the ways possible to , ,
his bus iness ; his custo mer s ar e to be his ido ls s o f a r as he may .
wor s hip idol s by all o wan ce , he is to bo w d o wn to them, an d wor s hip

them at least he is not in any way to displease them o r
, ,
show any disgu st or distaste whatsoeve r they m ay say o r ,
do The bottom o f all is that he i s i n tending to ge t m o n ey

.
,
'
by the m ; and it is n o t for h i m that gets m on ey to off er the

least inconvenience to them by who m he gets it : he is to
consider that as Solo m on says the borrower is servant
, , ,
to the lender so the seller is servant to the bu yer What ‘
he says o n the h ead o f Pleas u res and Recreati ons is not

less am u sing : The tradesm an s pleas u re shou ld be in h i s ’
bu siness ; his co m panion s shou l d be his book s (he m eans

-
his ledger waste book &c ) and i f he has a fa m i ly he

,
-
, .
, ,
m akes hi s ex cur s i on s up s tai r s and no f ur th er None o f m y

,
.
cau ti ons ai m at restraini n g a trades m an f rom diverti n g

h i m self as we call it wi th his fi reside or keepi n g c o m
, , ,
”
pany wit h his wi fe and children
.
L iberal allowance ! .
na al m ost licentio u s and cri m i nal ind u lgen ce ! B u t it i s

y ,
ti m e to dism iss this P hilosopher o f Meanness More o f this .
stu ff wou ld illiberalize the pages o f the Refl ector Was .

”
the m an in earn est when he cou ld bring su ch powers o f

,
description , and all the charm s o f natu ral eloqu ence in ,
com m endati on o f the m eanest vilest wretchedest degrada , ,
tion s o f the hu m an character ? o r did he not rather lau gh in

his sleeve at the doctrines which he inculcated ; and r e ,
t o r t i n g u pon t h e grave c i tizens o f L ondon their o w n arts ,
pal m u pon them a sam ple o f disguised satire u nder the

name o f who l e s o m e i nst r uc ti on
398 E LI A N A
REMINIS C EN CE o r SI R J EFF ERY D UN ST AN
0 y ou r accou nt of Si r J e fi er y D unstan in colu m ns 8 29

’
3 0 ( where by an u nf ortu nate erratu m the e fi i gi e s o f

’
, .
,
two Si r J ef erys appear when t h e u pperm os t fi g u re is clearly

,
m eant f o r Si r H arry D i m sdale ) y o u m ay add that the writer ,
o f this has f requ ently m e t h i m i n hi s latter days abo u t 1 7 90 ,
or 1 7 9 1 retu rning in an evening af ter his long day s i ti n e

—
’
, ,
racy t o his dom icil e a wretched shed in the m ost beggarly

, ,
p u rlieu o f Bethnal G reen a little on this sid e the Mile end

,
-
Tu rnpike The lower fi gure in that leaf m ost correctly

.
describes h i s then appearance except that no graphic ar t ,
c an convey an idea o f the general sq u alor o f it and o f his ,
bag (h i s constant concom itant) i n particu lar Whether it '
contained old wigs at that ti m e I kn ow not ; b u t it ,
seem ed a fi tter repository fo r b on es s n at ch ed o u t of ken nels '
'
than fo r any part o f a gen tle m an s dress ; even at second ’
hand .
The e 1r m em ber fo r G arrat was a m ela ncholy ins tance o f

-
a great m an whose pop u larity is worn o u t H e still carried .
his sack ; bu t it seem ed a part o f his identity rather t han an

i m plem ent o f his profession ; a badge o f past grandeur : cou ld
anythin g have divested h i m o f that h e wou ld have shown ,
a poor forked ani m al indeed My life u pon i t i t con . .

,
-
t ai n e d n o c u rls at the tim e I speak o f The m ost decayed .
and S p i ritless rem nants o f wh at was once a peru ke wou ld

ha e scorned the fi l t h y case ; wou ld absolu tely ; have
v '
bu rst its cere m ents No it was em pty or bro u ght

.
,
hom e bones o r a f e w Cinders possibly A strong odou r o f

, , .
bu rnt bones I rem em ber, bl ended with the scent o f horse

'
fl e s h seethin g into dog s m eat and on l y relieve d a little by

'
’
, ,
the b reath ings o f a f e w brick ki lns m ade u p the atm o

- -
sphere o f the delicate su bu rban spot which thi s great m an

had chosen fo r the last scene of h i s earthly vaniti e s The .
cry 0 old wigs had ceased with the possession of any

s u ch f ri pperies : h i s sack m ight have contai n e d no t u naptl
y
4 00 EL I A N A
brilliant l y as his o ff hand salli es h ad sparkled o n a h ust
-
i n gs they here total l y f ailed h i m

,
Perhaps he had an .
~
av ersion to borrowe d w i t an d l ike m y Lord Foppington , , ,
disdai ned to entertain him self (or others) with the f orced
produ cts o f another m an s bra i n Y o u r m an o f qu ality i s
’
.
m ore diverted wi th the natu ral sprou ts o f his own .
ON A PASSAGE IN THE TEMPE ST .

”
S lon g as I can rem em ber the play o f The Te m pest ,
o n e p as sage in it has always set m e u pon wondering .
It has p u zzled m e b e yond m easu re In vain I strove t o .
'
fi n d the m eaning o f it I seem ed doom ed to cherish i n

.
fi nite hopeless c u riosi ty

,
It is where Prospero relating t h e banish m ent o f Sy corax

,
f ro m Argier adds ,
Fo r o ne th ing th at sh e di d ,
T h ey wou l d not t ak e h er l i fe .
H ow have 1 pondered over this when a boy ! Ho w have

’
I longed fo r so m e au thentic m em oir o f the wit ch to clear

u
p the ob s c u rity ! W as the story extant in t h e chronicles
'
o f Algiers ? Co u l d I ge t at it by so m e f ortu na te i n t r o du c
tion t o the Algeri ne am bassador 9 Was a voy age thither .
practicable ? The Spectator I knew went to G ran d Cairo , ,
only to m easu re the pyram id Was not t h e object o f m y .
qu est o f at least as m u ch i m portance 9 The blu e eyed hag ! .

-
c o u ld sh e h ave done an y t hing good o r m eritorio u s ? m ight
that su cc ubu s relent then m ight there be hope fo r the

9 .
D evil I have often ad m ired since that none o f the co m

.
men ta t o r s have boggled at this passage how they co u ld

swallo w this cam el —s u ch a tantalizing piece o f obscu rity
r
, ,
s u ch an a bortion o f an anecdote .
At length I thin k I have lighted u pon a clu e which

,
m ay lead to show what w as passing i n t h e m ind o f Shak

s pe ar e when he d r opped th is i m perf ect 1 u m o u r In the .
oN A P A SSA G E IN TH E “
T E M P E ST 4 0 1
Ac cu rate D esc ripti on o f Af rica , by J ohn Ogilby ( folio ),

'
p age 23 0 I fi n d written as f oll o ws ,Th e m arginal .

'
ti tle to the narrative is Charles the F i fth besieges ,
Algier :
In the last pl ace we will briefl y give an acco u nt o f ,
the e m p e r o u r Charl es the F ifth when he b es i eg d this

, ,
’
city and o f the great loss he s u fi e r d th erein ’

‘
Th i s prince in the year one thou sand fi v e hu ndred

,
forty one havi n g e m b ar qu e d u pon the sea an arm y o f

-
t w enty two th ou sand m e n aboard eighteen galli es and an

-
hu ndred tall ships n o t cou nti n g the barqu es and shal lops
, ,
an d oth er s m all boats in w hich he had engaged the p r in ,
c i al o f the Spanish and Italian nobility with a good n u m

p ,
be r o f the Knights o f Malta : he was t o land o n t h e coasts

o f Barbary at a cape c al l d Mati f o u From th i s pl ace u nto
’
, .
th e c i ty o f Al gier a fl at shore o r strand exte n ds itsel f f o r

, ,
abou t fou r leagu es the which is exceeding favou rable to ,
gallies There he p u t ashore with his arm y and in a fe w

.
'
,
days cau sed a for tress to b e b u i l t which u nto this day is ,
al l d the castle o f the E m e r o u r

’
p .
In the m eantim e the city o f Algier took the alarm ,
h aving in it at that tim e b u t eight h u ndred T u rks and six ,
t h o u sand Moors poor spirited m en and u nexercised in

,
-
m artial a ff airs ; besides it w as at that ti m e fo r t i fi d only

’
w ith walls and had no o u tworks : inso m u ch that by reason

,
o f its weakness and the great forces o f the E m e r o u r it

, p ,
cou ld not in appearance escape taking In fi n e it was .

,
attem pte d with su ch order that the arm y cam e u p to ,
t h e very gates where the Chevalier de Sau i gn ac a F rench

, ,
m a n by n a t i o n m ad e hi m sel f re m arkable above all the rest

,
'
by the m i racles o f his valou r F o r hav i ng repu lsed the .
T u rks who having m ade a sal l y at the gate c al l d B abas on

, ,
’
and there desiring to enter along wi th them when he saw ,
that they shu t the gate u pon h i m h e ran h i s p o n y ar d in to ,
the sam e and l eft it sticki ng d eep there i n They next fell
, .
to battering the city by the fo r c e o f cannon ; w hi ch the

as sailants so weakened that in that great extrem ity the ,
'
de fendants los t their co u rage and resolved to su rrender , .
“
B u t as they w e re thu s i nten ding there was a wi t ch o f ,
4 2
0 EL IA N A
th e town wh om th e h i story does no t nam e whic h We nt to
,
'
s ee k o u t Assam Aga that co m m anded within and p r ay d ’

.
, ,
h i m to m ake it good yet nine days longer with assu rance , ,
that with in that ti m e he shou ld infall i bly see Al gier de

livered fro m that s i ege an d the whole arm y o f the enem y
,
dispersed so that Christi ans shou ld be as cheap as birds

,
-
In a word the thing did happen in the m anner as f oreto ld ;

,
fo r u pon the t w enty fi rs t day o f O ctober 1 n the sam e year

-
, ,
there fell a continu al rai n u pon th e lan d and so f u riou s a ,
storm at sea that o n e m ight have see n ships hoisted into

,
the clou ds and in o n e i nstant again precip i tated into the

,
bottom of the water : insom u ch that that sam e dreadf ul

te m pest was f ollowed with the loss o f fi f teen gallies and ,
above an h u ndred other vessels ; which was the cau se why ’
the E m p er o u r ; seeing h is arm y wasted by the bad weather ,
pu rsu ed by a fam ine occas ioned b y wrack of his ships in

,
‘
which was the greatest part o f his victu als and am u n i ti on '
,
he was c o n st r ai n d to raise the siege and set sai l f o r Si cily

’
, ,
whither he retreated with th e m iserable reli qu es o f his

fl eet .
In the m eantim e that witch being acknowledged the .
deliverer o f Algier was richly re m u nerated and the credit

. , r
o f her char m s a u thorized S o th at ever since witchcraf t

' ‘
.
,
hath been v ery f reely tolerated o f which the chief o f the

tow n and even those who are e s t e e m d t o be o f greatest
,
’
sanctity am ong them su ch as are the Marabou s a religiou s

, ,
order o f their sec t do for the m ost part m ak e profession o f

,
it u nder a goodl y pretext o f certai n revelations which they

,
say they have had f rom their prophet Maho m et ,

.
An d hereu pon those o f Algier to palliate t h e sham e ,
and the reproaches that are thrown u pon them fo r m aki ng

”
u se o f a witch in the danger of thi s siege d o say t h at t h e
'
loss o f the forces o f Charles V was cau sed b y a prayer o f .

'
one o f their Marabou s nam ed Ci dy U tica wh ich was at , ,
that tim e in great credit not u nder the notion o f a m agi ,

'
tian bu t for a person o f a holy lif e Af t erwards in 1 em em
,
.
brance of their su ccess t hey hav e erected u nto h i m a s m al l

,
m osqu e withou t t h e Babason gate where he 1 3 b u ri ed and , ,
in wh ich they k eep s u ndry la m ps b u r ning 1n honou r of h i m

0
4 4 . E L IA N A
I bore a w ay the t atter e d prize in tr i u m ph " I re m e m ber ed .
a gorgeo u s description o f the twelve m on ths o f t h e y e ar . .

,
which I thou ght wo u ld b e a fi n e su bstitu te fo r those ..
poetical descriptions o f the m which yo u r E very day -
B ook had nearly exhau st ed o u t o f Spenser This will .
”
be a treat thou ght I fo r f riend
, To m em ory ,
they seem ed no less fantastic and splendid than the other .
B u t what are the m istakes o f child h ood ! On reviewing

the m they tu rned o u t to be only a set o f com m onplace
,
receipts fo r working the seasons m onths heathen gods and , ,
go ddesses &c in s amp l er s Y e t as an instance o f t b e '
ho m ely occ u patio n o f o ur great —

, .
, ,
grandm others they m ay be ,
am u sing to so m e readers I have seen says the notable .

,
Hannah Woolly s u ch ridicu lo u s things done in work as , ,
it is an abom ination to any artist to behold As fo r ex .
am ple : Y o u m ay fi n d i n som e pieces Abraham and S ar ah , , ,
and m any other persons o f old ti m e clothed as they go ,
n o w a days and t1u l y so m eti m es worse ; f o r they m ost r e

- -
s e m ble the pictu res o n ball a ds Le t all ingeniou s wo m en .
have regard , that when they work any i m age to represent ,
it aright F irst let it be drawn well and then observe the

.
, ,
directions which are given by knowing m en I do assu re .
o u I never d u rst work any S criptu re story witho u t i n

y ,
f
orm ing m yself from the gro u nd o f it n o r any other sto ry ,
o r single person wi thou t inform ing m ysel f both o f the ,
v isage and habit ; as f olloweth
I f y o u work J up i ter the i mp er i al f ei gned God he m u st , ,
h ave long black c u rled hair a p u rple garm ent trim m ed

, , ,
w i th gold and sitting u pon a golden throne with bright

, ,
”
yel low clou ds abou t h im .
THE T WELVE MON THS OF T HE YEA R .
Mar ch Is drawn in t awny with a fi erce aspect : a h e 1

.
,
m e t u pon his head and leaning o n a spade ; and a basket ,
o f garden seeds in his lef t hand and in his right hand the
-
sig n of Ar i es ; and winged .
Ap r i l A y o u ng m an in green with a garland o f m yr tle

. ,
an d hawthorn b u ds ; winged ; in o n e hand pri m ro s es an d

-
vi ol ets in the other the sign Taur us

,
.
T HE M O N T HS 4 5
0
May With a sweet and lovely cou nte nance ; clad in a

. .
robe o f white and green em broidered with several fl owers ; ,
u pon his head a garden o f all m anner o f roses ; o n the one

’
hand a nightin gale in the other a l u te H is s i g n m u s t be
, .
Gemi ni .
J un e . In d ark grass green ; u pon his head a

a
'
m antle of -
garland o f bents kings cups and m aiden hair ; in his lef t

,
-
,
-
h and an angle with a box o f cantharides in his right the

, ,
s i gn C ancer and u pon his arm s a basket o f seasonable fru its .
J uly In a jacket o f light y ellow eating cherries ; with

.
,
h i s fac e and boso m su n bu rnt ; o n his h ead a wreath o f

~ -
centau ry and wild t hym e ; a scythe o n his shou lder an d ,
a bottle at his girdle ; carrying the sign Leo .
August A y ou ng m an o f fi erce and choleric aspect in a

.
,
fl am e colo u red gar m ent ; u pon his head a garland o f wheat

-
an d ry e u pon his ar m a basket o f all m anner o f r i pe

.
fru its ; at his belt a sickle : his sign Vi r go .
S ep tember A m erry and cheerfu l cou ntenance in a pu rple

.
,
robe ; u pon his head a wreath o f red and white grapes i n ,
his lef t hand a handfu l of c at s ; withal carry ing a horn o f

plenty fu ll o f all m anner o f ripe fru its ; in his right hand
,
the sign Libr a .
October In a garm ent o f y ello w and carnation u pon his

.
head a garland o f o ak leaves with acorns in his right hand -
the sign S corp i o in his le ft hand a basket o f m edlars ser ,

~
vices and chestnu ts and any other f ru its then in season

, , .
November In a garm ent o f changeable green and black

.
u po n his head a garland o f olives with the f ru it in his le ft ,
hand ; b u nches o f parsnips and tu rnips in his right : h i s

sign Sagi ttar i us .
D ecember A horrid and fearf u l aspect clad in Irish rags

.
, ,
o r coarse fr ieze girt u nto h i m ; u pon his head three o r f o u r .
night caps an d over them a T u rkish tu rban his nose red

-
, ,
his m ou th and beard clogged with icicles ; at his back a

.
bu ndle o f holly ivy or m istletoe ; holding in fu rred m i t

, ,
tens the sign o f Cap r i cor nus .
J anuary Clad al l in white as the earth loo ks with th e

.
,
snow blowing his n ails ; in his left ar m a bi llet ; the sign

,
Aqu ar i us s t and i ng by his side .

E LIA N A
F ebr ua r y .
'
Cl o th e d i n a dark sky colo u r, carry m g in his
'
‘
—
right hand the sign P is ces .
Th e f o l l o w i n g r e cei pt T o d r ess u p a c h i m n e y v e r y fi e
' '
' n
fo r the s u m m er tim e as I have done m any and they have -
, ,
”
been liked very well m ay not b e unpro fi table to the ,
hous ewives o f this centu ry

F i rst take a pack thread and fasten it even to the
,
-
inner part o f t h e c h i m n ey so high as that y o u can see no ~

,
h i gh e r as y o u walk u p and down the ho u se Yo u m u st .
dri ve in several nails to hold u p all you r work Then get .
ood store o f old green m o s s f ro m trees and lt n equ al

'
g m e a ,
proportion o f beeswax and ros i n toge t her ; and while it i s ,
h o t dip the wrong ends o f the m oss in it and pre s ently

, ,
clap it u pon yo u r pack thread and press it down hard with -
you r hand Y o u m u st m ake haste else i t wi ll cool before

.
,
o u can fasten it an d t h e n it wi ll fal l down D so al l

‘
'
y o , .
arou nd where the pack thread goes ; and the next row y o u -
m ust join to that s o that it m ay see m all in on e thu s do,
t i ll u have fi nished it down t o the bott om Then take

y o .
som e o th er kind o f m oss o f a whi tish colou r and s tiff and , ,
o f several sorts or kinds and place that u pon the other , ,
here and there carelessly and in som e places p u t a good ,

- J
deal and som e a li ttle ; then any kind o f fi n e snail shells

,
' -
i n which the snails are dead and little toad stools which ,
-
are very old and look like vel vet or any o ther thi ng th at was
, ,
o l d and p r etty place it here and t here as you r fancy serves ,
and fasten all with wax and rosi n Then f o r the hearth o f .
,
you r chim ney y o u m ay l ay som e o r p an sprigs in order all

,
-
'
over and it will grow as it lies ; and ac cording to the
, ,
season get what flowers y o u can an d stick in as i f they

, ,
grew an d a few sprigs o f sweet briar : the fl owers y o u

,
-
m u st renew every week ; b u t the m oss will last all the

su m m er till it will be ti m e to m ake a fi r e ; and the o r p an
,
w ill last near t w o m onths

'
A chim ney thu s done doth .
”
grace a roo m exceedingly .
On e phrase in the above sho u ld particu larly re co mm end

it to su ch o f y ou r f em ale readers as in the ni ce langu age ,
o f the day have done growing so m e tim e ,

little toad ,
sto ols &c and anythi ng that is old and p r etty

, .
,
”
Was ev e r .
4 0 8 E LI A N A
BIOG RAP H ICAL MEMOIR OF MR LI ST ON . .
HE su bject of o u r Me m oir is lineally descended from

D o m esday Book
”
J ohan de L Es t o nn e ( see where
’
,
he is so writt en) who cam e in with the Conqu eror and had
, ,
lands awarded h i m at Lu pton Magna in Kent H is parti , .
c u l ar m erits or s ervices F abian whose au thority I chiefly

, ,
f ollow has f orgotten or perhaps tho u ght it i m m aterial

, , ,
to speci f y Fu ller think s that he was standard bearer to

.
-
H u go de A gm on d e sh am a powerf u l No rm an baron who , ,
was slain by the hand qf H arold him self at the fatal battle
o f H astings Be this as it m ay we fi n d a f am ily o f that
.
,
nam e flou rishing som e centu ri es lat er in that cou nty J ohn .
D e l l i s t on knight was H igh Sheriff fo r Kent according to

, , ,
Fabian qui nto Henr i ci S ex ti and we trace the lineal branch

,
flou rishing downwards the orthography v ary i ng accord ,

— ,
i n g to the u nsettled u sage o f the ti m es fro m D e l l e s t o n t o ,
Leston o r L iston between which it see m s to h ave alte r

,
n at e d till in the latter end o f the reign o f J am es I

, ,
it .
,
fi nally settled into the deter m inate and pleasing d i ss y l

l ab i c arrange m ent which it still retains Am i n ad ab Li s t o n .
'
the eld est m ale representative o f the fam ily o f that day was ,
’
o f the strictest order o f P u ritans Mr F oss o f Pall Mall . .

, ,
has obligingly co m m u nicated to m e an u ndou bted tract o f

h i s which bears the initial s only A L and is entitled
, , .
,
The G rinning Glass o r Actor s Mi r r o u r where in the ,

’
vitu perative Vi snom y o f Vi c i o u s Pl ay e r s f o r the Scene i s

‘
as virtu o u sly re fl ected back u pon their m i m etic Mo n s tr o s i
ties as i t has viciou sly (h i therto) vitiated wi th its vile Vani

”
ties her Votarists A strange ti tle b u t bearing the i m press
.
,
o f those abs u rdities with which the title pages o f that -
p a m phlet spawning -
age abo u nded The work bears date .
”
16 17 . It preceded the H i striom astix by fi fteen y ears ;
and as i t went before it i n ti m e so it com es not far short
, ,
o f it i n vir u lence It is am u sing to fi nd an ancestor o f

.
L iston s thu s bespattering the players at the co m m ence

’
m ent o f the seventeenth centu ry

T h inke th H e the actor) wi th his costive co u nte ,
ME MO I R O F M R . LI ST O N 4 9
0
nances to wry a sorrowing sou l o u t o f her an gu ish or

, ,
by d efacing the divine denotem ent o f destinate dignity

( g y
d a i n e l described in the f ace h u m ane and no other
) to
r e i n s t am
p the P ar ad i c e plotted sim ilitu de with a novel and
-
nau ghty approxim ation (not in the fi rst intention) to those

abhorred and u gly G od f orbidden correspondences with -
fl ou ting Apes jeerin g gi b b er in gs and Babion babbling

’
,
like to hoot o u t o f cou ntenance all m o dest m easu re as i t

, ,
o u r sins were n o t su fli c i n g to stoop o u t backs witho u t H e
wresting and crooking hi s m em bers to m isti m ed m irth

( rather m alice ) in de f or m ed f
. ashion leering w hen he ,
s ho u ld learn prating f o r pray ing g o ggl i n g his eyes better

, ( ,
upt u rn ed fo r grace whereas in we can go th us

) , P ar adi c e
( if
high f o r H is profession ) t hat d e v e l i sh S erpent appeareth
his u ndo u bted Predecessor fi rst indu ing a m ask like som e ,
rogu ish roistering Ro sciu s ( I spit at them all) to begu i l e

with Stage shows the gaping Wom an , whose Sex hath still
chiefly u pheld these My steries and are voiced to be the ,
chie f Stage hau nters where as I am told the cu stom is

-
, , ,
com m only to m u m ble ( between acts ) apples not am bigu ,
derived ro that pernicio u s P ippin worse in e ect

o u sl
y f m ( ff
th an the Apples o f D iscord) whereas som eti m es the hiss ,
ing so u nds of displeasu re as I hear do lively r e i n t o n at e , ,
that Snake taki ng leave and diabolical goin gs o ff in P ara

- -
, ,
”
dice .
The P u ritanic e fl erv e sc e n c e o f the early P resbyt erians

‘
appears to have abated with tim e and the opinions o f the ,
m ore i m m ediate ancestors o f o u r s u bject t o have su bsided

at length into a strain of m oderate Calvinism Still a tinc .
tu re o f the old leaven was to be expected a m on g the pos

te r i ty of A L . .
hero was an only son o f H abakku k L iston settled

Ou r ,
as an Anabaptist m inister u pon the patrim on ial s oil o f his

ancestors A regu lar cer ti fi cate appears thu s entered in
.
,
the Ch u rch book at Lu pton Magna :

-
J ohannes fi l i us H a ,
bakku k et R ebeccce Li s ton , D i ss en ti enti um, n atus qui nto D ecembr i ,
1 7 8 0, ba ti za tu s s ewto F ebr uar i i s e u en ti s ; S o ns or ibus J et W

p q p . .
Wooll aston , waa cum Mar i a Mer r ywea ther The s i n gu l ai ity .
of an Anabaptist m inister con form ing to the child rites -

o i
4 1 0 E LIA N A
th e Chu rch wou ld hav e tem pted m e to dou bt the au t h e n ti

city of this entry had I not been obliged with t h e ac t u a]
,
'
sight of it by the favou r o f Mr Minns the intelligent an d .

,
worthy parish clerk o f Lu pton Pos sibly so m e expectation .
in poi nt o f worldly advantages f rom so m e o f the sponsors

m ight h av e ind u ced th i s u nsee m ly deviation as it m u st ,
have appeared from the practice and principles o f that

,
generally rigid sect The term D issenti entium was pos

.
s i b l y intended by the o rthodox clergym an as a sl u r u pon
the s upposed inconsistency What or o f what natu re the .

, ,
expectations we have hinted at m ay have been we have ,
now no m eans o f ascertaining Of the Wo o l l aston s no .
trace is now discoverable in t h e village The n am e o f .
Merry w eather occ u rs over t h e f r o n t o f a gro c e r s shop at

' ' ‘ ' ’
the western extrem ity o f Lu pton .
O f the infant Liston we fi n d no events recorded before

his fou rth year in which a severe attack of the m easles bid
,
fair to have robbed the r ising generation o f a f u nd o f inno

'
l
cent entertainme nt H e had i t o f the conflu ent k ind as it

.
,
is cal led ; and the child s life was fo r a week o r t w o de

’
s ai r e d o f
p . H is recover y he always a ttrib u tes
( u nder
H eaven) to the hum ane i nterference o f o n e Dr Wilhelm .
Richter a G erm an e m piric who in thi s extre m ity pre

, , , ,
scribed a copiou s d iet o f s auer hraut which the child was -
observed to reach at with avidity when other food repelled ,
ni m ; and from this change o f diet his restoration was rapi d

“
'
and com plete We have of ten heard h i m nam e the c i r

.
c u m s tan c e with gratitu de ; and it is n o t altogether s u r

prising that a relish f or this kind o f al i m e n t s o abho r rent ,
‘
and harsh to co m m on E nglish palates has acco m panied ,
h i m thro u gh lif e When any o f Mr Liston s intim ates

. .
’
invite h i m to su pper he never fails o f fi ndin g nearest t o

, ,
his kni fe and fork a dish of sauer kr aut

"
‘
,
-
.
At the age o f nine we fi n d o u r su bject u nder the t uitio n

,
o f the Re v Mr G oodenou gh ( his father s health not per

’
. .
m i ttin g h i m probably to i n str u c t h i m hi m sel f) by whom ,
he was i ndu cted into a com petent p 01 tion o f Latin an d

G reek W ith so m e m athem atics t i ll the death o f Mr
'
.
, ,
G oodenou gh , in his o w n s eventieth an d Master Liston s . .

’
4 I 2 EL IA N A
Charnwood am ong thi ck shades o f the o ak and beech ( this
,
last his favou ri te tree) the y ou ng Liston c u ltivated thos e ,
c onte m plative h abits wh i ch have never entirely deserted
h i m in af ter y ears H ere he was com m only in the sum m er .
m onths to be m e t with with a book in his hand not a

play book —
-
, ,
-
m editating , Boyle s Re flections was at one .
’
t i m e th e darling volu m e ; which in its tu rn w as su perseded , ,

”
by Y o ung s Nig ht Tho u ghts whi ch has continu ed i ts
’ “
,
hol d u pon h i m throu gh life H e carries it alway s abou t .
h i m ; an d it is no u ncom m on t hing fo r h i m to be seen in

'
the refreshing interval s o f his occ u pation leaning against a ,
s ide s cene in a sort o f H erbert o f Cherbu ry postu re t u rn

-
,
- -
ing over a pocket edition o f his favo u rite au thor -

.
B u t the sol i tu des o f Charnwood were not desti ned always

to obsc u re the path o f o u r you ng h ero The prem atu re .
d eath o f Mr s Si t t i n gb o u r n at the age o f seventy occa

.
, ,
si on ed b
y inca u tio u s b u rning o f a pot o f charcoal in her
sleeping cham ber left h i m in h i s nineteenth year nearly

-
witho u t reso u rces That the stage at all shou ld have pre .
sented itself as an eligible scope f o r his talents and i n p ar , ,
t i c u l ar that he sho u ld have chosen a line so f oreign to

,
what appears t o have been his tu rn o f m ind m ay r e qu i r e , r
s o m e explanation .
At Charnwood then we behold h i m tho u ghtf u l grave

, , , ,
ascetic Fro m his cradle averse to fl esh m eats and strong

. .
-
drink ; abste m iou s even beyond the geniu s o f the place ,
and alm ost in spite o f the rem onstrances o f his gre at au nt

who tho u gh strict w as not rigid —
-
,
, water was h i s habitu al

, ,
d 1 in k and his f ood little beyond the m ast and beech n u ts

,
-
o f h i s favo u rite groves It is a m edi cal fact that this kind“

,
o f diet however f av o u rable to the conte m plative powers o f

,
th e p rim itive herm its &c is b u t il l adapted to the less

.
, .
,
robu st m inds and bodies o f a l ater generati on Hy p o c h o n .
dria alm ost constantly ensu es It was so in the case o f the .
you ng Liston H e was su bject to sights and had v isions

. , .
Those arid beech nu ts distilled by a com plexion n at u r al l v

-
ad u st m o u nted into an occipu t already prepared to k indle

,
by long seclu sion and the f e r vo u r o f strict Calv inistic notions .
I n t h e gloom s o f C harnwoo d he was assailed by illu sion s

‘
,
M E M O I R O F M R L I ST O N .
4 1
3
si m il ar in kind to those which are related o f the f am ou s . .
.
An thony o f P ad u a Wild antic faces wou ld ever and an e n

.
’
p rotr u d e them selves u pon his sensori u m W hether he sh ut .
hi s ey es or kept the m open the sa m e ill u sions o perated

, , .
The darker and m ore profou nd were his cogitations the ,
droller an d m ore whim sical becam e the apparitions They .

'
bu zzed abo u t hi m thick as fl ies fl apping at h i m fl ou ting , ,
h i m b o o t i n g i n his ear y et with su ch com ic appendages

, , ,
Ih at what at fi rst was his bane beca m e at length his solace ;

and he desired n o bett er society than that o f his m err y
p h antasm ata We shall presently fi n d in what way this
.
re m arkable pheno m enon in flu enced his f u tu re destiny .
On the death o f Mr s Si t t i n gb o u r n we fi n d h i m received

.
,
into the fam ily o f Mr Wil l o ugh b y an e m inent T u rkey m e r

.
,
c h ant resident in B i r c h in Lane London We lose a little

w hile he re the ch ain o f his history —b y what ind u ce m ents
.
, ,
th i s gentlem an was determ ined to m ake h i m an inm ate

o f his ho u se P robably he had had so m e personal kind
.
ness fo r Mr s Si t t i n gb our n form erly ; bu t however it was ;

.
,
t h e y o u ng m an was here treated m ore like a s o n t h an a n
clerk tho u gh he was nom inally b u t the latter; D i fferen t

,
avocations the chan ge o f scene with that alternation o f ' ‘

, ,
b u s i ness and recreation which in its great est perf ection is

t o be had only in L ondon appear t o have weaned h i m in a
,
,
short ti m e f r o m t h e hypochondriacal aff ections which had

'
beset h i m at Charnwood .
In the three years w hich followed his re m oval to B i r ch i n

Lane we fi n d h i m m aking m ore than o n e voyage to th e
,
l
L evant as chief factor fo r Mr Willo u ghby a t the P orte

, . .
We co u ld easily fi l l o u r biography with the pleasant .
passages w hich we hav e heard h i m relate as h aving hap

pened to h i m at Constantinopl e ; su ch as his having been
t aken u p o n s u spicion o f a design o f penetrating the
,
s eraglio & c ; b u t with the deepest convincem ent o f th is

,
.
,
ge ntle m an s own veracity we think th at som e o f the stories

[
’
,
are o f that whi m sical and others o f that rom antic natu re
, ,
w hich ; however diverting wou ld be o u t o f place in a

‘
,
.
narrative o f thi s k ind wh i ch ai m s not o n l y at strict tr u th

'
, ,
bu t at avoiding the v ery appearance o f the contrary .

4I 4 EL I A N A
We will now bring h i m over the seas again and su ppos e
'
h i m in the cou nting hou se i n B i r ch i n Lane his protecto r -
satis fi ed with the retu rns o f his factorage and all going on ,
so s m oothly tha t we m ay expect to fi n d Mr Liston at last

, .
an op u lent m erchant u pon Change as it is called

7 ’
B u t se e , .
the tu rns o f destiny ! U pon a su m m er s exc u rs i on into ’
Norfolk in the year 1 8 01 the accidental sight o f pretty

, ,
Sall y P arker as she was called ( then in t h e Nor w ich c o m

,
pany ) diverted his i nclinations at once fro m com merce

,
- -
and he becam e in the langu age o f com m onplace bi ography, ,
stage str u ck H ap py f o r the lovers o f m irth was it that

-
.
o u r hero took this tu rn ; he m ight else have b ee n to thi s
hou r that u nenter taining character a plodding L ondon ,
m erchant .
We accordingly fi n d h i m shortly afte r m aking his debut

as it is called u pon the N orwich b o ar ds in the seaso n;, ,
o f that year being then in the twenty second y ear o f h i s

,
-
age H aving a natu ral bent to tragedy he chose the part

.
,
o f Pyrrhu s in the D istressed M other to Sall y P arker s

” ’
, ,
H erm ione We fi n d h i m afterwards as Barnwell Al tam ont

.
, ,
Cham on t &c ; b u t as if Natu re had destined h i m to the

‘
.
,
.
,
s e ek an u navoidable infi rm ity absolu tely discapaci tated

,
h i m fo r t ragedy H is person at this latter period of which .

,
I have been speaking, was gracefu l and even co m m anding ; ,
his cou ntenance set to grav i ty : he had the power o f arrest

'
'
ing th e attention o f an au dience at fi rst sight alm ost beyond

any other tragic actor B u t he cou ld not hold it To . .
u nderstand th i s obstacle we m u st go back a fe w years t o ,
t hose appalling reveries a t Charnwood Those illu s i ons .

. ,
which had vanished before t h e dissipation o f a less reclus e

li fe and m ore free society now in his solitary tragi c ,
stu dies and am id the intense calls u pon f eeling incident

,
to trag i c acting cam e back u pon h i m with tenfold v ivid ,
ness In the m idst o f som e m ost pathetic passage ( the part

’
ing o f J affie r with his dy i ng f riend fo r instance ) he wou ld

~
, , ,
su dden ly be su rprised with a fi t o f violent horse lau ghter

.
-
.
While the spe ctators were all sobbing be fore h i m wi th .
e m otion su ddenly o n e o f those grotesq u e faces wou ld peep

,
ou t u o n h i m
p and he co u ld n o t resist the i m p u l s e
.
,
A .
4 1 6 E LI AN A
it to y o u w hether I ever lived at all ? My li f e is a very
good life s i r I am insu red at the P elican sir ; I am three
score years and six —six ; m ark m e sir ; b u t I can play
, .
,
P oloni u s which I believe fe w o f you r con e —c o r r e s p on

.
, ,
, , ,
dents can do sir I suspect tricks sir : I sm ell a rat ; I

,
.
,
d o I do
,
'
Y o u wou ld cog th e die u pon u s ; y o u wou ld y o u

.
,
wou ld sir B u t I will forestall y o u sir Yo u wou ld be

, .
, .
deriving m e from William the Conqu eror with a m u rrain ,
to y o u ; It is no su ch thing sir The tow n shall know , .
better sir They begin to sm oke you r fl am s sir Mr

,
.
, . .
Liston m ay be born where h e pleases sir ; b u t I will not be

born at Lu p —Lu pton Magna fo r anybody s pleasu re sir
,
’
.
,
My son and I have looked over the great m ap o f Kent

together, and we can fi n d no su ch place as y o u wou l d palm
u pon u s sir ; pal m u pon u s I say Neither Magn a nor
, , .
Parva as m y son sa y s and he knows Latin sir ; Latin

, , , .
I f y o u write m y lif e tru e sir y o u m u st set down that I , , , ,
J oseph Mu nden co m edian cam e into the world u pon Al l

hallows D ay Anno D om ini 1 7 5 9—1 7 5 9 ; no soon er nor
, ,
later sir ; and I s aw the fi rst light—th e fi rst light r e

, ,
m e m ber sir at Stoke Po gi s —

'
, ,
S tok e P e gis co mi tatu B u cks

—
, , , ,
and n o t at p Lu p Magna which I believe to be no better

L
than m oon shine —m oonshine ; do y o u m ark m e sir ? I
’
u ,
wonder y ou can p u t su ch fl i m fl am s u pon us sir ; I do I do -
, , .
It does not becom e y o u sir ; I say i t I say it An d m y , ,

-
.
f ather was an honest tradesm an sir : he dealt in m al t and ,
hops sir ; and was a corporation m an sir ; and of the

,
-
Ch u rch o f England sir and no P resby terian ; nor An a . ,
Anabaptist sir ; however y o u m ay be disposed to m ak e

,
honest people believe to the contrary sir Y ou r h am s are , .
fo u nd o u t sir The town will be yo u r stale pu ts no longer

sir ; and y o u m u st not send u s jolly f ellows sir —
-
.
, ,
w e tha t , ,
are com edians sir y o u m u st not send u s into groves and

c h ar —c h arn w o o d s a m 0ping sir Neither ch ar n s nor
-
, ,
.
, ,
charnel hou ses sir It is n o t o u r constitu tion sir : I tell it

-
—
.
, ,
y o u I tell it y o u I was a droll d o g f ro m m y cradle .I .
cam e into the world tittering and the m idwife tit tered and ,
,
the gossips Spilt their can d l e with tittering ; an d wh en I

'
,
‘
was brou ght to the font the parson cou ld not chr isten m e ,
A U T O BI O GR A P H Y O F MR MUNDEN .
417
fo r tittering S o I was never m ore than half bapti z ed
. .
An d when I was little J oey I m ade e m al l titter ; there

’
, ,
was n o t a m elancholy f ace to be seen in Pogi s P u re .
natu re sir I was born a com edian O l d Screwu p the

, . .
,
u ndertak er cou ld tell y o u sir i f he were living

, Wh y I , ,
-
.
,
was obliged to be locked u p every ti m e there was to be a

fu neral at Po gis I was I was sir I u sed to gr i mace at
.
— , .
th e m u tes as he called it and p u t e m o u t with m y m ops

’
, ,
and m y m e w s till they cou ldn t stand at a door f o r m e

,
’
.
An d when I was loc k ed u p with nothing b u t a cat in m y ,
co m pan y I followed m y bent with trying to m ake her

,
l au gh ; and so m eti m es she wo u ld and so m eti m es she wo u ld ,
n ot An d m y s c hool m aster co u ld m ake nothing o f m e : I

h ad only to thru st m y tongu e in m y cheek —i n m y cheek
.
si r and the r o d dropped fro m his fi ngers ; and so m y e d u

,
cation was l i m ited sir An d I grew u p a yo u ng fellow , .

,
an d it was tho u ght convenient to enter m e u pon so m e co u rs e
of li fe that sho u ld m ak e m e seriou s ; b u t it wo u l dn t do

' ’
si r
. An d I w as articled to a dry s alter My father gave -
.
forty pou nds prem iu m with m e sir I can show the indent
—dent—dentu res sir B u t I was born to be a com edian
.
,
.
, ,
s i r : s o I ran away and listed with the players s i r : an d

-
, ,
I t o p t m y parts at Am ersha m and G errard s Cross an d

’
played m y o w n father to his face in his o w n town o f B ogis ,

.
in the part o f G ripe w hen I was not f u ll seventeen years ,
o f age ; and h e did n o t know m e again b u t he knew m e ,
afterwar d s ; and then he la u ghed an d I lau ghed and what , , ,
is be tter the dry s alter lau ghed and gave m e u p m y article

,
-
fo r the joke s sake : so that I ca m e into co u rt af terwar d s

’
with clean hands — with clean hands—do y o u s ee sir ,
[ H ere the m an u script beco m es illegible f o r two o r three
sheets onwards which we presu m e to be occasioned by th e

,
absence o f Mr Mu nden j u n who clearly transcr i bed it f or

.
, .
,
the press thu s far The re s t ( with the exception o f th e .
c oncl u ding paragraph which is see m ingly resu m ed in ,
th e fi rst handwriting) appears to contain a con fu sed ao

cou nt o f som e lawsu it in which the elder Mu nden was
'
engaged with a circu m stantial hi story o f t h e p roceedings

4 1 8 EL IA N A
of a
. case o f breach of prom is e o f mar riage m ade to or b y ,
we cannot pick o u t which ) J e m im a Mu nden spinst r

( . e ; ,
probably the com ed ian s c ou s m fo r it does not appear h e ’

,
had any sister ; with a fe w dates rather better preser ved , ,
o f this great actor s engage m ents as Cheltenham ( spelt

’
-
Ch el t n am ) 1 7 7 6 ;
,
Bath 1 7 7 9 ; London 1 7 8 9 ; , ,
together with stage anecdotes o f Messrs Edwi n , Wilson .

,
Le e L e w i s &c
,
over which we have st rained o ur ey es to
, .
no p u rp ose in the hope o f present i ng so m ething a m u sing

,
to the p u blic Towards the end the m anus cript brightens

.
,
u
p a l i ttle as we said
,
and concl u des in the f ollowing
,
.
manner
stood before the m fo r six and thirty y ears [we

su spect that Mr Mu nden is here speaking o f his fi nal leave
.
taking o f the stage] and to be dis m issed at l ast B u t I was

,
.
h eart whole to the l ast sir

-
What thou gh a fe w d rops did
, .
cou rse them selves down the old veteran s cheeks who ’
co u ld help it sir I was a gian t that night sir ; and cou ld

,
?
,
have played fi ft y parts each as ardu o u s as D ozy My

,
, .
fac u lties were never better s1r B u t I was to be laid u p on , .
the shel f It di d not su it the pu blic to lau gh with thei r

.
old ser vant any longer s ir [ H ere so m e m oistu re h as

, .
blotted a sentence o r t w o l B ut I c an play P oloniu s s till .
sir ; I can I can ,

.
Y o u r se rv ant sir , ,
J OS E PH MU N DEN .
4 2 0 EL I AN A
There is a fashion of eu logy as well as o f vitu peration ,
and thou gh the Lottery stood fo r so m e tim e in the latte r

,
predicam ent we hesitate not to assert that mul ti s i l l e bonis

,
fl ebi lis o cci di t Never have we

. joine d in the senseless cla m o ur
w hic h con d em ned the only tax whereto we becam e v o l u n

tary contrib tors u — the only resou rce which gave the sti
,
mu lu s witho u t the danger o r infatu ation o f gam bling the

'
only al e rn b i c which i n these plodding days su bli m ized o u 1
i m ag i nati ons and fi lled them with m ore deliciou s dream s
,
than ever fli tte d athwart th e sensoriu m o f Alnaschar .
Never can the writer forget when as a child h e was , , ,
h eisted u pon a servant s shou lder i n G u ildhall and looked

’
down upon the installed and solem n po m p o f the then

d 1 aw1n g L ottery The two awf u l cabinets o f iron u pon .
,
whose m assy and m ysterio u s p 01 tals the ro yal initial s were

g o rgeo u sly e m blazoned as i f a f ter having deposited th e
, ,
u n f u l fi lled prophecies within the king h i m self had t u rned ,
the l o ok and still retained the key i n his pocket ; the blu e
,
coat bo y ; wi th h i s n aked ar m fi rs t converting the in v isible ,
wheel an d then di ving into the dark recess fo r a ticket ;

, b
the grave and reverend faces o f the co m m issio n ers eyeing '
the annou nced nu m ber ; the scribes below ( al m l y c o m

m itting it t o their hu ge books ; the anxio u s co u ntena n ce s
'
o f the surro undi n g pop u l ace ; while the gian t fi g u res o f G o g
an d Magog like presid i ng deities looked down with a gri m

—
, ,
s i lence u pon the whol e proceedin g constit uted al t o ge t h e 1

'
a s éés e which com bined w i th the s u dden wealth s u pposed
f
, ,
'
to b e lavished f ro m those i nscru table w h eels was well cal

‘
,
c ul a t e d to i m pre s s t h e i m agination o f a b o y with reverence

and am azem ent J u piter seated between the two f ata l
.
,
'
.
ants o f g oo d and evil the blind god d ess with h e r corn u

‘
,
'
copi a the Parc ae wielding the d i s tafl the thread o f li fe and
, , ,
th e ab h o r r e d shears see m ed b u t d i m and shadowy abstrae

v
ti o ns o f mythology when I had gazed u pon an as s e m blage ,
e xercisi ng as I dream t a n o t less ev entf u l powe l

,
and all
, ,
p rese n ted to m e in palpable and living operation R ea s on .
and experience ever at their o l d sp i te f u l we l l: o f catching

,
an d destroying the b u bbles which yo u th d elighte d to follo w ,
have indeed di ssipated m u ch o f this ill u si on ; b u t m y m in d

TH E I LL U STR I O U S D EFU N C T 42 1
so far retained the influ ence o f that early i m pression that ,

'
I have ever since continu ed to deposit m y hu m ble o ff e ri ngs

at its shri ne whenever the m inisters o f the Lottery went
,
'
forth with type and tr u m pet to annou nce its periodical dis
n s ati on s ; and tho u gh nothing has been doled o u t to m e
p e
f ro m its u ndiscerning co ff ers b u t blanks o r those m ore vexa ,
tio u s tantalizers o f t h e spirit deno m inated sm all prizes ,
yet do I hold m yself largely indebted to thi s m ost generou s

di ff u ser of u niversal happiness Ingrates that we are ! are
.
we to be thankfu l fo r no benefi ts tha t are n ot palpable to

sense t o recognize no favou rs that are n o t o f m arketable
,
valu e to acknowl edge no wealth u nless it can be cou nted

,
with the fiv e fi ngers ? I f we ad m it the m ind to be the sole

depository of genu ine jo y where is the bosom that has not
,
be en elevated into a te m porary E lysiu m by the m agic o f

the Lottery Which o f u s has not converted h i s t i cket or
.
,
even h is sixteenth share o f one into a nest egg o f H e p e ,

-
u pon which he has sate broo di ng in the secret roosting
places o f his heart and hatched it into a thou sand fantas

,
tical apparitions ?
What a startling revelation o f the passion s i f all the aspi
rati ons engendered by the L ottery co u ld b e m ade m an i fest !
Many an i m pec u niary epic u re has gloated over his locked
u
p warr ant fo r f u tu re wealth as a m ean s o f realizing the
,
dream o f h i s nam e s ake in the Alchem i st

M y m ea t sh al l al l c om e i n i n I n di an sh e l l s
D is h es o f agate i n gol d an d s t u dd e d
se t ,
Wi th e m e ral d s , sap p h i r
e s , h yac i n th s, an d ru b ie s
o f c ar p s, d or m i c e , an d c am e l s h e e l s,
’
Th e to n u es
g
B oil ed 1 t h e
’
Sp i ri t o f S o l , an d di s so l ved i n p e ar l
d ai n s t th e e p i l ep sy
)
’ ’
A
( p i ci us i e t g .
And I wil l e at t h es e b r o th s wi th sp oon s o f amb e1 ,

He ad e d wi th di am an t and carbu n cl e .
My foo tboy sh al l eat p h easan ts, c al e r e d sal mon s, v

Knots , go d wi t s l am p reys : I m ys e l f will h ave
,
Th e b ear d s o f b arbe l s s er ved , in stead o f sal ad s :

O i l ed m u sh r oo m s , and th e s we l li ng u n c tu ous p aps
”
Of a fat p regnan t se w , n ewl y c ut all .
xq
D r e sse d wi th an e ui si te and p oi gnant sauc e ,
Fo r wh i ch I l l say u nto my cook , Th ere s go l d
’ ’
Go fo rt h , an d be a k ni gh l t ’
4 22 ELI A N A
Many a doting lover has k is s ed the scrap paper whose of
prom is sor y sho wer of gold was to give u p to h i m his

.
otherwise u nattainable D anae ; Nim ro d s have transform ed

the sam e narrow sym bol into a saddle by which t hey have ,
been enabled to bestrid e the backs o f peerless hu nters ;

while nym ph s have m etam orphosed its P rotean f orm .
into
Ri n g s, gau d s , co nc e i ts ,
Knack s , t r i fl e s , n ose
g ay s ,
s w ee t m eat s
and all the braveries o f dress to say nothing o f the o b se ,
u i o u s hu sband the two f o o t m an n d carriage and the opera

’
q
-
, ,
box B y the si m ple charm o f t his n u m bered and printed

.
ra
g , ga m esters have f o r a ti m e at least , r ecovered th eir ,
losses ; spendthrif ts have cleared o ff m or tgages f rom their

estates ; the im prisoned debtor has leapt over his lof ty .
'
bou ndary o f circu m scription and restraint and revelled in ,
al l the joys o f liberty and f ort u ne the cottage walls have -
swelled ou t into m ore goodly proportion than those o f

.
B au ci s and P hile m on ; poverty has tasted the l u xu ries bf

com petence labou r has lolled at ease in a perpetu al ar m
chair o f idleness ; sickn ess has been bribed i nto banish
m ent ; li fe has been invested with new charm s and death
deprived o f its form er terrors Nor have the aff ections .
been less gratifi ed than the wants appetites and am bi , ,
tions o f m ankind By t h e conj u rations o f the sam e pote nt

.
spell kindred have lavished anticipated benefi ts u pon one

,
another and charity u pon all Le t it be term ed a delu

s i on —
.
,
a f ool s paradise is better than the W IS O m an s

’ ’
Tartaru s be it branded as an ignis f atu u s —i t was at

. :
1 -
least a benevolent o n e which i nstead o f begu iling its , ,
followers into swam ps caverns and p i tf alls all u red them , , ,
o n with all t h e blandish m ents o f enchantm ent to a garden

—
o f Eden T an ever bloo ming E l y s m m o f del i ght
,
-
Tru e .
,
the pleasu res it b e s t o w e d w e r e evanescent : b u t which o f

ou j r oys are perm anent 9 and w h o se inexperi enced as n o t
to know that anticipation i s al ways o f h igher 1 el i sh than
real i ty which strike s abalance both i n o u r s u ff eri ngs and
,
enjoy m ents ? The f ear o f il l e x c e e d s l t h e ill w e fear ;

“
and fru ition i n t h e s am e prop or tion; invariably falls sb e it

,
'
4 4
2 . E LI AN A
pregnable We can no longer becom e enriched fo r a
. ,
qu arter o f an hou r ; we can no longer su cceed in su ch

splendid failu res : all o u r chances o f m aking s u ch a m iss
have vanished with the last o f the L otteries .
L i f e will now becom e a fl at prosaic ro u tine o f m atter o f ,

-
fact ; and sleep itsel f erst so proli fi c o f nu m erical con

,
fi gu r at i o n s and m ysterio u s stim u lants to lottery adventu re ,
will be dis fu rnished o f its fi gu res and fi gm e n t s P eople .
will cease to harp u pon the o n e lu cky nu m ber s u ggested '
in a dream and which f orm s the exception while they are

, ,
scru p u lou sly silent u pon the ten thou sand falsi fi ed dream s
which constitu te the ru le Morpheu s wi ll sti fl e Cocker .
with a handfu l o f popp i es and o u r pillo ws will be no ,
longer hau nted by the book o f n u m bers .
An d who too shall m a intain the art and m ystery o f

, ,
p u fli n g
,
in all its pristine glory when the lottery pro ,
fe s s o r s shall have abandoned its c u l t iva t ion They were

t h e fi rst as t hey will ass u redly be the last who f u l ly
, ,
developed the resou rces of that ingeniou s art ; who cajoled

and decoyed the m ost su spicio u s and war y reader into
a pe ru sal o f their advertisem ents by devices o f endless
variety and c u nning ; who baited their l u r king s che m es
w ith m idnight m u rders ghos t stories cri m cons b un m ots

,
-
,
-
,
-
balloons dreadfu l catastrophes and every diversity o f joy

, ,
an d sorrow to catch newspaper gu dgeons Ou ght not

,
-
.
su ch t alents to b e enco u raged ? Verily the abol i t io n ists

h ave m u ch to answer f o r !
An d n o w having es tablished the f elicity o f all tho se
,
who gained i m aginary prizes let u s proceed to show that ,
th e equ ally n u m ero u s class w h o were presented with rea l

blanks have not less reaso n to consider them selves hap py .
Mos t o f u s have cau se t o be thankfu l for that whi ch is ,
b esto w ed ; b u t we have all probabl y reaso n to be still , ,
m ore gratefu l f o r that which is w ithheld and m ore espe ,
ci al l y f o r o u r being deni e d the s u dden possession o f riches .
In the L itany indeed we call u pon the L ord to deliver u s

, ,
"
i n all ti m e o f o u r wealth
-
b u t how f e w o f us are sin

cere in dep recating s u ch a calam ity ! Massin ger s Luke
‘
’
.
,
an d B e n J onson s Si r Epicu re Mam mon and P ope s Si r

’ ’
,
T HE A SS 42 5
Balaa m and o u r own dail y obser vation m ight convince u s
, ,
that the D evil now te m pts by m aking rich not m aking ,
p oo r . W e m ay read in the G u ardian ”

a circ u m stantial
accou nt o f a m an who was u tterly ru ined by gaining a
capital prize ; we m ay reco l lect what D r J ohnson said to .
Garrick when the latter was m aking a di splay o f his

,
wealth at Ham pton Cou rt Ah D avid D avid ! these are

, , ,
the things that m ak e a death bed terrible ; w e m ay recall

-
’’
the Scriptu re declaration as to the di fficu lty a rich m an

,
fi nds l n entering into the kingdo m of H eaven ; and c o m ,
binin g all these denu nciations agai nst op u lence let u s ,
heartily congratu late o n e another u pon o u r l u cky escape

fro m the calam ity of a twenty o r thirty tho u sand po u nd
prize ! The f o x l n the fable who acc u sed the u nattainable
,
grapes o f sou rness was m ore o f a philosopher than we are

,
generally willing to allow H e w as an ade p t in that

.
species o f m oral alchem y which tu rns e v erythin g to gold ,
and converts disappointm ent itself into a grou nd o f r es i g

n ation and con tent Su ch we have shown to be the great
.
lesson incu lcated by t h e L '

otter y when rightl y conte m ,
plated ; and i f we m ight parody M de Chateau briand s

—
’
.
,
jingling ex p ression l e Roi es t mar t vice l e Ro i

,
we
shou ld be tem pted to exclaim The Lottery is no m ore ,
long l ive th e Lottery
THE A S S .
R COLLI E R, in his
. P oetical D ecam eron ( Third
Conversation ) , notices a tract printed m 1 5 95 , w i th
th e au thor s initials only, A B entitled The No bl e n e s s e
’
.
”
the Asse ; a work rare learned and excellent H e h as
of , , .
s elected t h e f ollo w ing prett y passage f rom it : H e ( the “
ass ) re u seth no b u rden he goes whither he is sent with

f ,
o u t any contradiction
,
H e l i fts n o t his f oote against any
.
one ; he by tes not ; h e i s no fu gitive nor m aliciou s afi e c t e d

‘
, , .
H e doth all things in good sort and to h i s liking that hath ,

l)
426 EL I A N A
cau se to e m ploy him I f strokes be gi v en . he care s
not fo r them ; an d as o ur m odern poet s inge ,
Th ou wo u l d s t (p e r h ap s ) h e sh o ul d b e co m e th y foe ,
A n d to th at e n d d o st b eat h i m m an y t i m e s :
He car es n o t fo r h i m se l fe, m u ch l ess th y b l ow .
Certa inly Na tu re f01 e s e e i n g the cru el u sage whi ch this

,
u se fu l servant t o m an s h o u ld 1 e c e i v e at m an s h and d id
’
pr u dently l n fu rnishing h i m with a tegu m

,
en t i m perviou s
to o r d in ai y str i pes The m alice o f a child o r a weak hand
.
ca n m ake fe eble 1 m p1 e s s i o n s o n h i m H i s bac k o ffe 1 s ; n o .

l
m ark to a p u ny f oe m an To a com m on whip or switch his .
hide presents an absol u te i n sensibility Y o u m igh t .
we ll pretend to s c o u 1 g e a schoolboy wi th a to u gh pair o f

leather breeches o n His jerkin is well forti fi ed an d .
there fo r e the costerm ongers between the years 1 7 90 and ,

“
1 8 00 did m ore politi cly than piou sly 1 n

,
u
p a part
o f nis u pper gar m ent I well 1 e m e m b e r e as t l
.
y a nd
bloody cu sto m I have of ten longed to s e e o n e o f those

.
refi ners 1 n di scipline him self at the cart s ta il w i t li j u s t ’
su ch a convenient spo t laid bare to t h e tender m ercies of

the whipster B u t si nce Natu re has re s u m ed h e r rights
.
, ,
i t is to be hoped that this p a tient creatu re does not s ui ff r

to extrem i ties ; and that to the savages who st i ll b e’l al ii'iiir
’ '
his poor carcas e with their blows (c onsidering the s ort i

’
an v il they are laid u pon ) he m ight in so m e sort if he , ,
cou ld speak exclai m with the philosopher L ay o n : y ou

, ,
beat b u t u pon the case o f An ax ar c h u s .

”
Co n tem plating this n atu ral safegu ard this forti fi ed ex ,
t e r i o r it is w ith pain I v i ew the sleek f oppish co m bed

, , , ,
and c u rried person o f this anim al as he 1s disnatu raliz ed at

w at e 1 i n g places &c where they aff ect t o m ake a palf ry o f
-
, .
,
h i m? 'F i
e o n all s u ch sophistications ! It will never do ,
m aste 1 groom So m ething o f h is honest shaggy exterior

—
.
,
will still peep p n sp te o y o his good rou gh native

'
u i i f u , , , ,
p
-
p
1 he a ple coat i ng Y o u cannot re
. fi ne a scorp i on into a
“
fi sh tho ugh y o u 1 i nse it and scou r it with ever so clean ly

,
coo ker y .
4 2 8 EL I AN A
I s ho u ld other w ise fo r my o w n taste have been inclin ed
, ,
rather to have gi ven a place to ,th e se extraordinary m u

s i c i an s at that ban qu et o f no thing less than — sweet sou nds - - -
i m agined by old J erem y Collier ( Essay s 1 6 9 8 part ii o n , , .
Mu sic ) where after describing the inspiriting e ff ects 01

, ,
m artial m u sic in a battle he hazards an ingenio u s con ,
j e c t u,
r e whether a sort o f a n ti mu s i c m ight not h e invented
-
which shou ld have qu i te the contrary e ff ect o f sinking

the spirits shaking the nerves c u rdling the blood and
, , ,
i nspiring despair and coward i ce and consternation Tis ’

.
probable he says the roaring o f l i ons the warbling o f

, , ,
cats and screech owls together with a m ix tu re o f the howl

-
ing o f dogs j u dicio u sly i m itated and co m po u nd ed m ight

, ,
go a great way in this invention ”

The dose we con fess .
, ,
is pretty potent and s kilf u lly enou gh prepare d B u t what

, .
shall we say t o the Ass o f Silenu s who i f we m ay tr u st to , ,
classic lore by his o w n proper sou nds witho u t thanks to

, ,
eat or screech owl dis m ayed and p u t to ro u t a whole arm y

-
of giants H ere was anti mus i c with a vengeance a -
whole P an D i s Har mom con in a single l u ngs o f leather !

’
- -
B u t I keep y o u tri fl ing too long o n this asinine s u bject .
I have already passed the P ans As i nor um and will desist , ,
re m e m bering the o l d pedantic p u n o f J e m Boyer m y ,
school m aster ,
As s i n p r wsenti seldom m akes a W 15 1: MAN i n f ut uro .
IN RE SQ U IRRELS .
AT is gone with the cages with the clim bing squ ir rel ,
ls to them which were form erly the i n d i s p e n s

,
able appendage to the ou tside o f a tin m an s shop and were ’
, ,
in'
only live sign s ? On e we believe still hangs , ,
o u t on H olborn ; b u t the y are f ast vanis hi ng with the good
old modes o f o u r ancestors They seem to have been

. .
superseded by that still m ore ingeniou s r e fi n e m e n t o f

—
n
m odern hu m anity t h e tread m ill ; in which h uman s qui r

,
-
IN RE SQ UI RR EL S 4 9
2
rels still perform a si m ilar ro u nd o f ceasele s s i m progressive ,
clam bering which m u s t be nu ts to the m

,
.
We alm os t do u b t the f ac t o f the teeth o f thi s c reat u r c

being so p u rely orange co lo u red as Mr Urban s corre
’
n e o f o u r o l d poets —
- a
.
s o n d e n t gi ves o u t O and they were

pretty sharp observers o f Natu re—describes them as brown
p .
B u t perhaps the natu ralist ref erred to m eant o f the colou r

o f a Maltese which is rather m ore obfuscated
than you r fru it o f Seville o r St Michael s and m ay help t o .
’
,
reconcile the di ff erence We cannot speak from observa

.
tion ; b u t we rem em ber at school getting o u r fi ngers into

the o r an gery o f o n e o f these little gentry (not having a du e
cau tion o f the traps set there ) and the resu lt proved sou rer
,
than lem ons The au thor of the Task s o m ewhere speaks

.
o f their anger as being insignifi can tly fi erce b u t we

“
f o u nd the d e m onstration o f it o n t his occasion qu ite as

signi fi cant as we d e s 1r e d and have not been disposed since
,
to look any o f these gif t horses i n the m o u th Maiden .
”
au nts keep these sm all deer as they d o parrots to bite , ,
people s fi ngers on p u rpose to give them good advice not

’
,
”
to adventu re so near the cage another tim e As fo r their .
six qu avers divided into three qu avers and a dotted ‘
”
crotchet I s u ppose they m ay go into J ere m y B entham s
,
’
next bu dget o f fallacies along with the m elodio u s and

,
“
proportionable kinde o f m u s i ck e recorded in you r last ,
nu m ber o f an highly gifted anim al

,
-
.
Fl e tch er i n th e Fai th ful Sh eph erd es s . Th e sa tyr o ff ers to
G rap es wh ose l u s ty b l oo d
'
I s th e l earned poe t s good ,
S wee te r yet di d n e e r cro wnv
Th e h ead o f B acc h us ; n u ts more bro wn
’
t
Th an t h e squi rr el s eeth th at c ra ck th e m .
43 0 ELI AN A “
E S TIMAT E OF D E F OE S SE CON D ARY NOVE LS

’
.
has ha ppened n o t seldom that one work o f som e ‘
au thor has so transcende ntly s u rpassed 1 n execu tion th e

re st o f his com posi tions , that the world has agreed to pass a
sentence o f dism iss al u pon t h e l at te r and to consign them
‘ '
,
to total neglec t and oblivion I t has d o n e w i s e l y in thi s .

’
. '
n o t to s u ff er the conte m plation o f e xcellences o f a lower

‘
standard to abate or stand in the way o f t h e p l e asu re i t h as

.
l '
’
agreed to receive
A gai n i t has happened that from n o :i n fe r i o r m eri t o f
. ,
exe c u tion in the rest b u t fro m su perior good fortu ne in the

.
,
c h o i c e o f i t s s u bj ect
l
s om e singl e Wo rk shal l have been
,
'
s u ff ered t o eclipse and cast into sh ad e t h e ! d eserts o f i t s ' 1
le ss fortu nate brethren ; T his has been done w i th m ore p r '
less inj ustice in the case of the popu lar allegory o f B u nyan } .
in which t h e b eau ti l and s criptu ral i age o a p i l gr i mxb r

’
f u m f i ‘
wayfarer (we are all su ch u p on earth) ; addressing i t self ‘

,
‘ '
intellig i bly an d fe el i n gl y to the bosom s o f all has silenced ‘ “

‘ ‘ ’
, ,
an d m ade al m ost to be f orgotten the m ore awf u l and ,
scarcely les s tend er be au ties o f the H oly War m ade by

,
'
Sh ad d ai u p on r D iabolu s o f th e sam e a u thor ,

a ro m ance ,
-
l ess happy i n its s u bject b u t su rel y well worthy o f a ' ’
; ,
.
secondary i m m ortali ty B n t in no i nstance h as this e x . . .

1
clu ding partiality been exerted with m ore u nfairness than

against what m ay be term ed t h e secondary n ov els or
ro m ances o f D e F o e
While all ages and d e sc riptions o

”
f pe Op l e h a n
g d el i ghted ’
”
over t h e Adventu res of Rob inson Crusoe an d shall con ,
t i n u e to do so we tru st while th e worl d l asts h o w fe w

, , ,
com parat ively will b ear to be tol d that there exi st other
fi ctitio u s narratives b y the sa m e writer — f o u r o f the m at ,
least o f no inferior interest except what resu lts f rom a less ,

” ”
f elic i t o u s choice o f situ ation ! Roxana Singleton , ,
Moll F landers Colonel J ack are all genu ine o ff sp ring

”
, ,
o f the sam e father They bear the veritable i m press of De

.
Foe . An u npractised m idwif e that wo u ld not swear t o the

43 2 ELI AN A
be fore : w h i a
h m ade an i n geniou s c r itic observe, that h i s
w ork s 1 n this kind were excellent readi ng f o r the kit chen
, .
An d l n tru th the heroes and heroines o f D e F o e can

, ,
never again h Op e to be pop ul ar with a m u ch higher class of

readers than that o f the s ervant m aid or the sailor Cru soe -
.
k e eps its rank only by to u gh prescription Singleton the .

,
pirate ; Colonel J ack the thief ; Moll F landers both thief

and harlot ; Roxana h ai l o t and som ething worse —
, ,
, wou ld
be startlin g i n gredients l n the bill o f fare o f m o d ern lite
rary delicacie s B u t , then w hat pirates what thieves and
.
, , ,
what harlots i s the thi ef the har lo t an d the p i r ate o f D e Fo e !

, , ,
We wou ld not hesitate to say that in no other book of ,
fi ction where the lives o f su ch characters are described is

, ,
g uilt and delinqu ency m ade less sedu ctive o r the su ff ering ,
m ade m ore closely t o f ollow the co m m ission o r the pen i ,
tence m ore earnest o r m ore bleeding o r the intervening ,
fl ashes o f reli giou s vis i tation u pon the ru de and u nin

stru cted sou l m ore m eltingly and fearfu lly painte d Th ey .
,
in this com e near to the tenderness o f Bu nyan ; while the

,
livelier pictu res and incidents in them as in H ogarth or in ,
F iel d ing tend to di m inish that fastidiou sness to the con

,
cerns and p u rsu its o f com m on lif e whi ch an u nrestrained

passion fo r the ideal and the s entim ental is in danger of
pro du cing .
P OSTSCRIP T TO TH E CH AP T E R O N E ARS ?
“ “
WRITER whose real n am e it seem s is B ol der o b u t

, , , ,
who has been entertaining the town fo r the last twelve

m onths with som e very pleasant lu cu brations u nder the
assu m ed signat u re o f Lei gh H untf
“
" in his Indicator o f ”
the 3 l st J anu ary last has t hou ght fi t to insinu ate that I ,
E l ia do not write the little sketches wh i ch h e ar m y s i gn a

,
tu re in th i s m agazine b u t that the tru e au thor o f the m i s

,
Cl earl y a t
fi c titi o us app el l a i on ; fo r , if we ad mi t th e l atter of t h es e
n am es to b e m a m an n er E ngli sh , wh at i s Lei gh Ch ri s ti an no mencl at ure
kn o ws no su ch .
P O ST SC R I P T T O “
C H AP T E R O N EAR S 43 3
a Mr T: —b O bserve
the critic al period at which he
has cho sen to i m pu te the c alu m ny —
. .
o n the very eve o f t h e
pu blication o f o u r last nu m ber —afl o r di n g no scope f o r ex

,
planation f o r a fu ll m onth ; du rin g which ti m e I m u st

needs lie writhing and tossing u nder the cru el i m p u tation
of nonentity Good H ea vens ! that a pl ain m an m u st no t
.
be allowed to be
They call thi s an age o f personality ; b u t su rely this
spirit o f anti personality (i f I m ay so express 1t ) is som e
-
t hing worse
Take away m y m oral rep u tation —
.
I m ay live to discredit ,
tha t cal u m ny ; inj u re m y l i terary f am e I m ay write that ,

-
u
p again ; b u t when a gentle m an is r o bbed o f his identi ty
, ,
where is he ?
Other m u rderers stab b u t at o u r existence a f rail an d ,
perishing tri fl e at the best ; b ut here is an assassin who

aim s at o u r very essence ; who n o t only forbids u s to be any
longer b u t to have been at all Le t o u r ancestors look to it
, . .
Is the parish register nothing ? Is the hou se in P r inces

S treet Cavendish Squ are where we saw the light six and
, ,
f orty y ears ago nothing ? Were ou r p rogenitors from

,
s tately G enoa where we fl ou rished f ou r centu ries back

, ,
before the barbaro u s nam e o f Boldero was known to a

*
European m o u th nothing ? Was the goodly scion of o u r

,
nam e transplanted into England i n the reign o f the seventh

,
H enry nothing ? Ar e the archives o f the steelyard in

, ,
s u cceeding reigns ( i f haply they s u rvive the fu ry o f o u r

env io u s enem ies ) showing that we fl o u rished in pri m e
,
rep u te as m erchants do w n to the peri od o f the Com m on

, ,
weal t h nothing ? ,
Wh y , th en th e w orl d , an d al l t hat
’
i n t , is n oth i ng
s
’
”
Th e c o veri ng sky i s n o th in g ; B oh e mi a no th in g .
I amasham ed that this trifli n g writer s hou ld have powe r

to m ove m e so .
I t is cl ear l y o f tr ansatl ant i c ori

gin .
'
t l i I A NA
‘
43 4
in w
‘
an n r
“
3“ . ,
HI S CO RRE SPOND E NTS

t
EL I A TO .
CORRE SP ON D ENT , who writes hi m s elf P eter B all

or Bell —fo r his handwri ti ng is as ragged as h i s
—
,
m anners ad m onishes m e o f the old saying that som e

, ,
people ( u nder a co u rteou s periph1 asis I slu r hi s less cere

‘
m o n i o u s epithet) had need have good m em ories In m y .
”
“
Ol d B enchers o f the Inner Te m ple I have delivered ,
m ysel f and tru ly a Te m plar born B ell clam o u rs u pon

'
-
.
, ,
this ; and t hinketh that he hath cau ght a f o x It seem s .
that in a form er paper retorting u pon a weekl y scribbler ,
who had called m y good identi ty in qu estion (see P ost

I profess m yself a n ative
.
script to m y Chapter on E ars

o f s o m e spot near C avendish S q u are d e d u ci n re oter
'
g y
m m
‘
origi n from Italy B u t who does n o t se e e xcept thi .

'
,
s
tinkli ng cy m bal that in the i dle fi ction o f G enoese an

c e s tr y I was answering a fool accor ding to h i s f olly —
, ,
,
that ,
E lia there e x p r e s s e t h hi m self i ronically a s t o an a pproved

'
slanderer who hath no right to t h e tru th and Can be no
,
'
fi t recip i ent o f it S u ch a o n e i t is u s u al to leave t o his

' '
delu sions ; o r leading h i m f ro m er ror still t o contradicto ry

,
error to plu nge h i m ( as we say) d eeper in the m ire and

,
.
,
give h im l i n e t i l l h e su spend hi m sel f N o mn d er s tan d i n g

v
i
.
reader co u ld be i m posed upon b y s u ch obvious r h od o m on

“
‘
~
beli ev e me other than

'
tade to su spec t m e fo r
E nglish
To a second correspondent who signs him self A Wil t ,
“
shil e Man and clai m s m e fo r a co u ntry m an u pon the

,
”
strength o f an e qu ivocal ph rase i n m y Christ s H ospital ’
,
”
a m ore mannerly reply 1s d u e Passing over the G enoese .
fable which B ell m ake s su ch a ring abo u t he 11 1 0e detects

, ,
a in o i e su btle discrepancy which Bell w as too obtu se to

'
,
strike u pon Referring to t h e passage I m u st confess that

.
,
”
the term n ative town ap plied to Cal ne p r i ma f aci e , ,
s eem s t o bear o u t the constr u cti on wh i ch m y f riendly cor
respon d ent is willing to p u t u pon it The context to o I .

,
am a f raid a little favo u rs i t

,
B u t where the words o f an .
43 6 EL I A N A
ru sty v ane ) to on e dull spot b u t t hat i f he seeth occas ion , , ,
o r the argu m ent shall de m and it he wi l l be born again in , ,
fu tu re papers in whatever place and at whatev er pe ri od ;

, ,
shal l seem good u nto h i m .
Mo de me Th ebis mo d ?) Ath ems ,
UN I TARI AN P RO TESTS
IN A LE TTER TO A F RI EN D OF T HAT PE RS UASI ON NEWLY
M AR R I ED .
EAR M —Tho
gh no n e o f you r acqu aintance can
u
w ith greater sincerity co n grat u late y o u u pon th i s

h appy conj u nctu re than m y sel f one o f the oldest o f them , ,
i t was with pain I fo u nd y o u after the cerem on y deposit , ,
ing in the vestry room what is called a P rotest I tho u ght

-
.
-
y o u su perior to this little S ophistry W hat ! aft er s u b

—
.
m itting to the ser vice o f the C h u rch o f E ngland af te r ,
consenting to receive a boon from h e r i n the person o f

—
.
,
you r am iable consort was it consistent w i th sense or , ,
com m on good m anners to tu rn rou nd u pon he r and flatly , ;

'
tau nt h er w i th false worship ? This langu age is a little o f

.
the strongest in yo u r books and f rom you r p u lpits thou gh ,
there it m ay well enou gh be exc u sed fro m reli g i ou s zeal

and the native warm th o f noncon form ity B u t at the
altar — the Chu rch o f England altar —
.
,
-
adopting her form s
-
, ,
and com plying wi th her requ isitions to the letter t o be ,

-
consistent together with t h e practice I f ear y o u m u st

, , ,
drop the langu age o f dissent Y o u are no longer stu rdy .
n o n cons o u are there occasional con f o r m ists

'
-
y Y o u s ub .
m i t to accept the privileges com m u nicated by a f or m o f

.
words exceptionable and perhaps j u stly in you r v ie w ;

, , ,
b u t so su bm itting y o u have no righ t to qu arrel with the

, ,
ritu al which yo u have j u st condescended to owe an obliga ‘
tion to They do not force y o u into t heir chu rches Y o u

. .
com e vol u ntarily knowing the term s,

Yo u m arry in the .
n am e o f the Trinity There is no evading this by pretend

.
U N I T A RI A N P R O T E ST S 43 7
i ng that y o u take the form u l a w i th you r o w n interp reta ‘
tion : ( and so l ong as y o u can do this where is the n e ces

, ,
sit
y o f protesti ng ?
) f o r the m ean i ng o f a vow is to b e
settled by the sense o f the im poser n o t by any forced con ,
stru ction o f the taker ; else m ight all vows and oaths too , ,
be elu ded with im pu nity Y o u m arry then essentially as

.
, ,
Trinitarians and the alta r no sooner satisfi ed than he y , ,
presto ! wi th the celerity o f a j u ggler y ou shi ft habits , ,
an d proceed pu re U nitari ans again in t h e vestry Yo u cheat .
the ch u rch o u t o f a wife and go hom e sm iling in you r

,
sleeves that y o u have so c u nni ngly despoiled the E gyptians .
In plain English the Chu rch has m arried y o u in the nam e

,
o f so and so assu m ing that o u took the words in her sense

, y
b u t y o u ou twitted her y o u assented to the m in you r sense
only and took from her what u pon a right u nderstanding
, , ,
she wou ld h ave declined giving y o u .
This is the fair constru ction to be p u t u pon all Unitar ian

m arriages as at present contracted ; and so long as y o u
,
'
Unitarians cou ld salve you r consciences W 1th the éqm vo gue ,
I do not see why the Established Chu rch sho u ld have

trou bled herself at all abou t the m atter B u t the p r o .
testers necessaril y see farther They have som e glimm er .

~
ings o f the d eception ; they apprehend a fl aw som ewhere

they wou ld fain be honest and yet they m u st m arry not ,
withstanding ; for honesty s sake they are fain to de ’
h o n es tat e them selves a little Le t m e try the very words.
o f y o u r o w n protest to see what con f essions we can pic k

,
o u t o f them .
As Unitarians therefore we , (y o u and yo u r newly ,
espou sed bri de) m ost solem nly protest against the service
( which yo u rselves have j u st de m anded ) beca u se we are ,
thereby called u pon not only tacitly to acqu ies ce b u t to ,
profess a belief in a doctrine which is a dogm a as we ,

”
believe totally u nfou nded B u t do y ou p rofess that belief
,
.
du ring the cerem on y P or are y o u only cal led u pon fo r the

‘
profession b u t do not m ake it ? I f th e latter then y o u

, ,
f all in with the rest o f you r m ore consistent brethren w h o

waive the protest ; i f the f ormer then I fear you r protest , , ,
can not sa v e y o u .
43 8 EL I A N A
Hard and grievou s it is that in any case an i n stitu tion , ,
'
,
so broad and general as the u nion o f m an and wife shou ld

be so cram ped an d straitened by the han d s of an i m posing
hierarchy th at to pli ght troth to a lovely wom an a m an
, ,
‘
m u st be necessitate d to com pro m ise h i s tru th and faith to

H eaven ; b u t so it m u st be so long as y o u choose t o m arry ,
by the form s Chu rch over w hich that hierarc h y

r es i d e s
p .
T heref ore ,
“
say y we protest Oh poo r an d
'
ou ,
'
.
1
m u ch fal l en w ord , P rotest !

-
It was n o t so that the fi rst

.
heroic ref orm ers protested They departed o u t o f Babylon .
once f o r good and all ; they cam e n o t back f o r an occasional

'
c ontact with her altars —a dallying a n d then a prote s ti ng , ,
against dalliance ; they stood not sh u ffl i n g i n t h e p o r ch ‘
w i t h a P opish f oot within and its lam e Lutheran f ello w

'
u ,
withou t halting betwixt These were t h etru e Protestants

Y o u are —protesters
. .
,
"
B esides the incons istency o f this proceedi ng I m u st

.
,
'
think it a piece of im pertinence u nseasonable at least and , ,
o u t o f place t o obtr u de these pa

.
pers u pon the o fli ci ati n g
,
.
'
clergym an ; to o ff er to a p u blic f u nctionary an instrum ent
'
w h i c h i b y the tenor o f his f u nction he i s not o bl i ge d t o
' ' '
1
accept b u t rath er he is cal led u pon to rejec t Is it d o n e i n

,
' . .
1
. .
his clerical capacity ? H e has no p o w er fo f redressing the

grievance It is t o tak e t h e benefi t of h i s m inistry and
.
'
then insu lt h i m I f i n his cap acity o f fel l ow Christian .

.
-
only what are yo u r scru ples t o h i m so lon g as y o u you r

, ,
selves are able to get over them an d do get ov er th em by ,

‘
the very fact o f co m ing t o re qu ire his services 1

The
thi ng y o u cal l a P rotest m ight with j u st as good a reason
' '
h e presented to the ch u rchwarden for the t i m e bein g t o ,
the parish clerk o r the pe w opener ,

.
The P arliam ent alone can re dress yo u r grievan ce i f any , .
Ye t I se e not
‘
h o w with any grace yo u r p p
e o l e i ca n petiti on
fo r rel i ef so long as by the very f act o f yo u r co m i n g t o

, ,
chu rch to be married they do bona fi de an d strictly reliev e ,
the m selves The Upper H ou se i n par ticu l ar i s not u n

. , ,
1
ed to these sa m e things called P rotests “ am ong th em

us , ,
s elves B u t how
.
wo u ld thi s h o n o u i ab l e b od y l s tar e tO fi n d u
440 EL I AN A
Qu akers consented to take oaths leaving a protest with the ,
clerk o f the cou rt against them in the sam e breath with

which they had taken them do y o u i n you r conscience ,
th i nk that they wo u ld have been i nd u lged at this d ay i n

their exclu sive privi ege l o f a fli rm i n
g
? L e t yo u r people
g o
on f or a centu ry or so m arrying in yo u r o w n fashion an d

‘
, .
I will warrant them before the end o f it the L egislatu re

, ,
w ill be willing to c oncede to the m m ore than they at pre

sent dem and .
E ither t h e instit u tion o f m arriage depends not f o r its

vali dity u pon hypocritical co mpliances with the ritu al o f
an al ien Chu rch and then I d o not see why y o u canno t
m arry am ong yo u rselves as the Q u akers witho u t their , ,
indu lgence wo u ld have been doin g to this d ay ) o r it does

, ,
depend u pon s u ch ritu al com plian ce ; and then in you r ,
protes ts , y o u o ff end against a div i n e ordinance I have .
read in the Essex Street Litu rgy a f or m f o r the celebra

tion o f m arriage Wh y is this becom e a dead letter ? Oh !
.
it has never been legalized ; that is to say in the law s ,

’
eye it is no m arriage B u t do y o u take u pon y o u to say

,
.
,
in the view o f the gospel it wou ld be none ? Wou ld y ou r

o w n people at least look u p on a co u ple so paired to be
, ,
none ? B u t the case o f d owries alim onies inheritances , , ,
&c which depend fo r their v alidity u pon the cere m onial o f

the Chu rch by law established —are these nothing ? That
.
,
—
,
' '
ou r child r en are not lega l ly F i li z N u l l zu s is this nothi ng ?
I answer Nothin to the preservation o f a good con

,
g
science nothing to a consistent Christianity less than
, ,
nothing Sad worldly thorns they are in d eed and stu m

.
,
bling blocks well worthy to be set o u t o f the way by a L ogis

-
l atu r e calling itself Christi an ; b u t n o t like l y to be rem oved

in a hu rry by any shrewd legislators who perceiv e that the
petitioning co m plainants have not so m u ch as bru ised a
shin i n the resistance b u t pru dently declini n g the briers
, ,
and the prickles nestle qu ietly down in the s m ooth t w o

,
s id ed v el v et o f a protesting occasional co n f or m ity .
I am dear sir , ,
With m u ch respec t you r s & c , ,

.
,
ON TH E CUS T O M o r H I SSIN G AT THE
T H E AT RES ;
WI TH S OM E ACCO UNT OF A C LU B OF D AMN ED AU T H O RS .
—
R REF L E CT OR, I am o n e o f those perso n s whom
.
t h e worl d has thou ght proper to designate by the title

o f D a m ned Au thors I n that m e m orable season o f dram atic
——
.
fail u res , 1 8 06 7 i n which no f ewer , I think , than two

,
tragedies fou r com edies o n e Opera and t hree farces s u f

fe r e d at D ru ry Lane Theatre —
, , , ,
I was f o u nd gu ilty o f con

'
s t r u c t i n g an a f terp i ece and was da mn e d

, .
'
Agai nst the decisio n o f the pu blic in su ch instances

there can be no appeal The clerk o f Chathamm i ght as
.
well have protes t ed against the decis i on o f Cade and his

fol lowers who were then th e p ubl i c
,
Like h i m I was co n .
,
d e m n e d becau se I cou ld write .
No t b u t it did appear t o som e o f u s that th e m easu res o f

the popu lar tribu nal at that period savou red a li ttle o f
harshness and o f the summwm j us The p u blic m ou th was .
early in the season fl e s hed u pon the Vindictive Man ,

”
and s om e p i eces o f that nat u re ; and i t retained throu gh ,
t h e re m ainder o f it a rel i sh o f blood

, As D r J ohnson . .
wo u ld have said Si r there was a habit o f sibilation in

, ,
”
the ho u se .
'
Still less am I disposed to inqu ire into the reaso n o f the

com parative lenity o n the other hand with which so m e
, ,
pieces were treated which to i ndi ff eren t j u dges seem ed

, , ,
at least as m u ch deserving of condem nati on as som e o f

those which m e t wi th it I am willing to p u t a favou rabl e
.
constru ction u pon the votes that were given against u s ; I

believe that there was n o bribery o r desi gned partiality in
the case : only o u r nonsense did n o t happen to s u it their
nonsens e that was all .
B u t against the manner in whi ch the p u blic o n these ,
o ccasions thin k fi t to d eliv er their disapprobation

,
I m u st ,
an d ev er will prote st .
44 2 E LI A N A
S i r , i m agine y
—b
have been
utpresent at
ou the dam ni n g
o f a piece those who never had that el c ty I beg the
( f i i m
to i mag ine ) —a vast theatre li ke that whi ch D ru ry Lane
,
was be fore it was a heap o f dust and ashes ( I i nsu lt not

over its fallen great ness ; l e t it recover itself when i t can
fo r m e let it li ft u p i t s towering head once m ore and take
‘
, ,
in poor au thors to write fo r i t ; hi e cces tus ar temqne r ep ono ) ,
-
a theatre like that fi lled with all s orts of d i sgu sti ng
—
,
so nd s
u ,
shrieks gro ans hisses b u t chie fly the last lik e
, , , ‘ ,
th e noise o f m any waters o r that wh i ch D o n Q ui xote , .
h eard from the f u lling m ills or that w i lder com bination -
o f devilis h so u nds which S t Anthony listened to in the .
w ildern ess .
Oh ! Mr Re fl ector 1 8 it not a pi ty that the sweet hu m an

,
voice which was gi ven m an to speak with to sing with to

, , ,
w hisper tones o f love m to express co m pl i ance to convey

a favo u r or to grant a s u it —
,
, that voi ce which in a Si d ,
dons o r a Braham ro u ses u s i n a S i ren Catalani ch arms and

,
—
captivates u s that the m u sical expressi ve hu m
,
an vo 1 ce ,
shou ld be converted into a rival of the noises o f silly ge ese ,
an d irrati onal veno m o u s sn ,

akes
I ne ver shall f orget the sou nds o n my night I never .
b e f ore t hat ti m e fu lly fel t the reception which the Au thor ,
o f Al l Ill in the , P aradise Lost m eets with f r o m the

”
,
c i i i i c s in the p i t a t the fi nal c l Ose o f his

,
Tr age dy m p o n
t he Hu inan Race tho u gh that alas ! m et with t o o m u ck
’
-
, ,
s u ccess 1
F r omi nnum erabl e to ng u es

A d i smal u n i ve rsal h i ss , t h e s o u n d
O f p ub l i c s corn D r eadf ul was th e d i n
.
'
Of h i ssi n g t h r ou gh th e h al l , th ick s war m i n g n o w
Wi th c om p l i cated m on ste rs , h ead an d t ai l ,
c o m
S rp i on an d as p , an d A p s ae a h i b n d i r e 1
"
,
'
Cerast es h or n e d, Hydr u s , an d E 10p s rear I
d ' 1
,
And D i p sas .
su bstit ute theatr e and y ou have t h every i m age

F m h al l
of w
, b
hat tak es plac e at wh a t is called t h e damnation c f a

p i ece —,
arid prop erly so called ; f o r here y o u see i ts origin
p la i nl y whence
,
the c u sto m was deriv ed and what the fi rs t ,
44 4 EL IAN A
An d r e al l y there seem s to have been a sort o f fi tness i n
'
'
this m ethod , a correspondency o f sign in the p u nishm ent to

the offence Fo r , as the actio n o f wr iting is perform ed by
.
bending the thu m b f orward the retroversion or bendi ng,
back o f that joint did n ot u naptly point to the opposite o f

that action ; i m plying that it was the will o f t h e a u dience
that the au thor sh ou ld wr i te no mor e a m u ch m ore s i gn i fi
cant as well as m ore hu m ane way o f expressing that desire
than o u r cu stom o f hissing which is altogether senseless
,
and indefensi ble Nor do we fi n d that the Rom an au

.
d ie n c e s deprived t hem selves by this lenity o f any tittle

, ,
o f th at su prem acy which au diences in all ages have tho u ght
them selves bou nd to m aintain over su ch as have been can

d i d at e s fo r their applau se On the contrary by this m e thod
.
,
they seem to have had the au thor as we shou ld express it , ,
co m pletely wnder fi nger and thumb .
The provocations to which a dram atic geniu s is exposed

from the pu blic are so m u ch th e m ore vexatiou s as they are
re m oved f r o m any possibility o f retaliation the hope o f ,
which sweetens m ost other inj u ries ; fo r the p u blic never

wr i tes i ts elf : Not b u t so m ething very l i ke it took pl ac e at
the tim e o f the O P diff erences The placards which were
. . .
nightly exh ibited were properly speaking the com position

, ,
o f the p u blic . The pu blic w rote them the pu blic ap ,
l u d e d them ; and precio u s m orceau x o f wit and eloqu ence
they were —
p a
, except so m e fe w o f a better qu ality which it

, ,
is well known were fu rnis hed by professed dram atic writers .
After this speci m en o f what the p u blic can do fo r itself it ,
shou ld be a little slow in condem ning what others do fo r it .
As the degrees o f m al i gn an c y w ar y in people accordi ng as

they have m ore or less o f the Ol d Serpent ( the father o r
hisses) in their com position I have som eti m es am u sed m y
,
s el f with analyzing this m any headed hydra whi ch calls -

,
itself the pu blic into the com ponent parts o f which it is

“
,
”
co m plicated head and tail and seeing how m any
, ,
v arieties o f the sn ake kin d it can a ff ord
F irst there is the Co m m on English Snak e —

.
, This is that
p ar t o f the au d i tory who are al w ays the m ajori t y at da m na
tions ; b u t who having no critical venom i n t hem s elves t o

,
H I SSI N G AT T H E TH E ATR E S 44 5
s ting them on stay t ill they hear others hiss and then join
, ,
-
in fo r com pany .
The Blind Worm is a species very nearly allied to the

f oregoing . Som e natu ralists have d ou bted whether they
are not t h e sam e
The Rattlesnak e —These are yo u r obstreperou s talkin g
.
critics —
'
,
t h e i m p e rt i n en t gu ides o f the pit w h o will n o t ,
-
give a plain m an leave to enjoy an evening s entertain ’
m ent b u t with their f rothy jargon an d incess ant fi ndi n g

,
o f f au lts either drown his pleasu re qu ite o r f orce h i m in

, , ,
his o w n defence to join in t heir cl am orou s censu re The

, .
hiss always orig i na tes with these When t his creatu re .
sprin gs his r attl e y o u wou ld think from the noise it

, ,
m akes there was so m ething in it ; b u t y ou have onl y to

,
'
exam i n e the i n stru m ent f ro m which the noise proc eeds

and y will n it typical o f a critic s tong e a shal low
o u fi d u — ’
,
,
m e m brane em pty vol u ble and seated in the m ost con

, , ,
t e m p ti b l e part o f the creatu re s body

’
The Whipsnake —
.
This is he that lashes the poor au thor

.
—
the next day i n the newspapers .
The D eaf Ad der o r S ur da E chi dna o f Linn aeu s Under

,
this head m ay b e c l as se d all that portion o f the spectators

o r au dience they properly are n o t who not n ing the
( f ) , fi d ,
fi r st act o f a p i ece answer to their preconce i ved notions o f

w hat a fi rst act sho u ld be like Obstinate in J ohn B u nyan , ,
positively thru st their fi ngers in thei r ears that they m ay ,
not h ear a w o r d o f what i s com ing thou gh perhaps the very

.
,
next act m ay be co m posed in a sty le as d i ff erent as possible ,
and be written qu ite to their o w n tastes These adders .
re f u se to hear the voice o f the charm er becau se the tu nin g ,
o f his instru m ent gave th em o ffence .
I shou ld weary y ou and m yself too i f I were to go , ,
thro u gh all the classes o f the serpent k in d Two qu alities .
are co m m on to them all They are creatu res o f rem ark ably .
cold digestions and chiefly h a unt p i ts and l o w grou nds

, .
I proceed with m ore pleasu re to give y o u an accou nt ) f

a clu b to which I have the honou r to belong There are .
fo u rte en o f u s who are all au thors th at have b een once i n

,
44 6 ~ 1 1 1
EL I ANA
our lives what alled We is c 1 1151 dumbed ” .
“
v e r sar i e s o f o u r respective nights and m ake ou r selv es ,

'
m erry at the expense o f the pu blic . Th e l c h i e f tenets .
wh ich distin gu ish o u r society and which every m an am ong ,
us is bo u n d to hold f o r gospel are , ,
That the pu blic o r m o b n all ag e s hav e been a set o f

’
i q
, , ,
blind deaf obstinate , senseless illiterate savages That no

, , , .
m an o f g en i us in his senses wo u ld be am b i t i o n s of pleasin g ,
su ch a capric i ou s u ngratefu l rabble Th at the o nly l egi t i

,
.
m ate end o fi e i t i n g fo r th em i s t o pick their p o c k e t s ; a n d; 1
th at fai ling w e are at f u ll liberty t o v i li fy and ab u s e t h e m

,
'
as m uc h as ever We think fi t .
That au thors ; b y t h eir a ff ected pret ences t o h u m i l ity ,
whi ch t ey ade se : o as a cloak to insinu ate their

h ( m u f '
writings ; into the call ou s senses o f the m u lti tu d e obtuse

'
,
'
to ev ery t h i n g b u t t h e gros sest fl atter f
, have by d i e
‘ ‘
é
‘
’
u
y e g e 1 1
m a de t h at gf eat b east t h eir

d m aster ; as we ay act s ub l
m ‘
‘
m ission to chi ldren til l) we are obliged to practise I i t i n

'
earnest Tha t au th o r S are and ou ght to be c onsidere d the

.
1
m asters and preceptors o f the ; pu blic and not vi ce ver s a ! .

,
' ' '
Th a t i t w as so i n the days fo f Orp h eu s Li n u s an d Mu seéu s ;

' '
- »
, ,
an d W ou ld b e so agai n if l i t
'
‘
that w riters prove ,

‘
t
t r ai t ors t o them sel ve s:

‘
1
. part icular; in the d ay s '
the rst those thr e gr t thors 'j ust m entioned
'
o f fi o f e e a a u ,
au dien c es appe ar to have b een p e r fect m odels o f what

au diences shoul d be ; :f on thou gh alon g wit h the tre es and ,
t h e rock s and the wild cr ea tu res w hi ch he drew after h i m

"
to listen to his s t r ai n s s om e sei p e n t s d ou bt less c am e to ,
t
h e ai h i s m u s i c i t does not appear t h at an y i one am

' '
1
,
. ong i
the m eve r lif ted up a dissentiént voi c e T h e y knew what

'
' ’
'f ' '
.
was du e to au thors in tho se days N o w i eve r y stock an d .

‘
.
‘ 1
stone tu rns i nt o a serpent ; an d h as a voi c e: W M " 1 f l

'
‘
‘
That the term s cou rteou s r ead e r V an d candi d au di '
as having .
whom t he y were applied as i f they c o nferr e d b up on ,
som e right whi ch they canno t have o f exercising

,
'
their ,
ment s o u ght to be u tterly ban i shed and explod ed

,
.
These are o u r di s t i n gu i s h i n g t e n e ts Te keep 11 1 .

44 8 ELI A N A
excite til l I cam e to where he says I was bound ap p re n
, ,
tice to Mr William B i r d an em inent writer and teacher o f

.
, .
,
”
l angu ages and m athe m atics &c when I started as o n e ,
does in the reco gnition o f an old acqu aintance in a s up

posed stranger This then was that Starkey o f whom I
. , ,
have heard m y sister relate so m any pleasing anecdotes ;

,
and whom never having seen I yet see m al m ost to r e

, ,
m em ber F o r nearly fi fty years she had lost all sight o f

.
,
h i m ; and b ehold ! the gentle u sher o f her yo u th grown

, ,
into an aged beggar du bbed with an opprobriou s title to

,
which he had no pretensions ; an object and a May gam e ! -
To what base pu rp oses m ay we not retu rn ! What m ay not

have been the m eek creatu re s su ff erings what his wander ’
i ngs be fore he fi nally settled down in the co m parative c o m

,
fort o f an old hospitaller o f the alm onry o f Newcastle An d .
i s poor Starkey dead ?

I was a scholar o f that em inent writer that he speaks
o f ; b u t S tarkey had qu itted the school abou t a year be fore
I cam e to i t Still the odou r o f his m erits had left a

. .
fragrancy u pon the recollection o f the elder pu pils The .
schoolroom stands where it did looking into a discolou red , ,
dingy garden in the p assage leading fro m F etter Lane i nto

B artlett s B u ildings It is still a school thou gh the m ain
’
.
,
prop alas ! has fallen so i n glori o u sly ; and bears a L atin

,
inscription over the entrance in the lane which was u n ,
known in ou r hu m bler t im es H eaven knows wha t .
langu ages were tau ght in it then ! I am su re that

neither m y siste r nor m yself brou ght any o u t o f it b u t a
little o f o ur native Engl ish B y m athe m atics reader .
“
, ,
m u s t be u nderstood ciphering It was in fact a hum ble .

, ,
day school at which reading and writing were tau ght t o u s

-
boys ln the m ornin and the sam e slender e 1 u d i t i o n w as

g
D 3
com m u nicated to the g i rls o u r sisters & c in the evening , , .

,
.
N o w S tarkey presided u nder B ird over both establish , ,
m ents In m y tim e Mr Cook now or lately a respectable

.
,
.
,
singer and perform er at D ru ry Lane Theatre and nephew ,
t o Mr Bird had su cceeded to h i m

. ,
I well rem em ber Bird . .
H e was a squ at corpu lent m iddle sized m an with so m e

, ,
-
thin g of the gentlem an abou t h i m and that pecu l iar m ild ,

C A P TA I N ST A RKE Y 44 9
t on e especially while he was i n fl ictin g pu nishm ent '
which is so m u ch m ore terrible to chi ldren than the 1
angr iest looks and gestu res Whippings were not f r e .
qu ent ; b u t when they took pl ace the correction was

'
, ,
perform ed in a private room adjoining where we cou ld ,
only hear the plaints b u t saw nothing This heigh tened , .
the decoru m an d the solem nity B u t the ordinary chastise .
m en t was the bastinado a strok e or two o n the p al m with ,
that alm ost obsolete weapon now the f eru le A feru le ,

-
.
was a sort o f fl at ru ler widene d at the in fl icting end into

a shape resem bling a pear —
, , ,
b u t n othing like so sweet , ,
with a delectable hole in the m iddle to raise blisters like a ,

‘
cu ppin g glass I have an intense recollection of that d i s

-
u sed instru m ent o f tort u re and the m alignancy in propor , ,
tion to the apparent m ildness with which its strokes were ,
appl i ed The idea o f a r o d is accom panied with som ething

.
lu d icrou s ; b u t by no proce ss can I l ook bac k u p on t h i s '
blister raiser with anything b u t u n m ingled h or r d r To

m ake hi m look m ore f orm idable —
-
i f a pedagogu e had n eed

—
,
o f these h e i gh t e n i gs
n B ird wore o n e o f those fl owered,
Indian gowns form erly in u s e wi th schoolm asters t h e ,
strange fi gu res u pon whi ch we u sed to interpret into hiero

l
g yp h i c s o f pain and s u ff ering B ut boyish f ea rs apart .
, ,
B ird I b el i ev e was in the m ain a h u m ane and j u diciou s

'
, , , ,
m aster .
Oh how I re m em ber o u r legs wedged into those u n co m

,
f o r tab l e m p i n g desks where we sat elbowing each other ; ,
and the inj u nctions to attai n a free hand u nattainable ,
in that position ; the fi rst copy I wrote after with its ,
m oral lesson Art i m proves N atu re

,
the still earlier pot
hooks and the h angers som e traces o f which I fear m ay yet ,
be apparent in this m anu script ; the tru ant l ooks si de lon g -
to the gar den which seem ed a m ockery o f o u r i m pri son

,
m ent the prize f o r best spelli n g which had al m ost tu rned

m y head and which to this day I cannot re fl ect u pon
, ,
, ,
w i thou t a vanity which I ou ght to be asham ed o f ; o u r

,
little leaden inkstands n o t separately s u bsisting b u t s u nk , ,
into the desks ; the bright pu nctu ally wa shed m orn i ng ,

-
fi n gers darken i ng grad u ally with another and anot her

,
4 50 ELI A N A
in k spot ! Wham; world o f little associated c ircu mstances

s
-
“
pain s a nd pleas ures m in gli n g thei r qu otas o f p leasure

, , « ,
arise at the reading o f those f ew simple words .

,
William Bird an em inent writer and teacher o f l an gu a , g e s ,

r
”
an d m athe m atics in F etter L ane H olborn ! 1
P oor Starkey w hen you ng had that p ecu liar stam p o f

, ,
, ,
.
ol d f ash i o n e dn e s s i n his f ac e wh ich m akes it i m poss ibl e f o r

-
a beholder to predicate any parti c ul ar age i n f {t h e object .

‘
Y o u can scarce m ake a g u ess b e t w ee n s eve n tee n and seven g
and thirty This antiqu e cast always se em s to prom ise ill

. .
'
,
.
lu c k and penu ry Y e t it seems he w as gn o t always the

.
, .
, .
abject thing h e cam e to My siste r wh o well rem em bers ,

.
, ,
h i m ; can hardly f org i ve Mr Tho m a s Hans o n fo r maki ng an

,
.
'
etchi n g s o u nlike h e r i dea of h i m w h en ; h e w as a y o u th f u l

—
,
teach er at Mr B i r d fs sch ool Ol d age and poverty a life

long poverty ; she thinks —co u ld at n o tim e have so e fl ae e d
. .
'
the m arks o f nat ive g entility whi ch w er e o n ce so v is i bl e i n

,
.
;
a face o th e r w i se s t r ik i n gl y u gly thin and care worn From , ,

-
.
h e r ur e c o l l e c t i on s o f h i m sh e thin k s th a t he wo u l d h ave .
, , .
wanted br e ad before he wou ld have begg ed or borrowed a ,

.
halfpenn y I f any o f the girls s h e says who were ’
—f ello ws sho u ld be rea ding thro u gh th ei r aged

.
my school , ,
spectacles tidin gs f rom the dead of 1the1r yo u thf u l frie nd

, , , ,
Starkey they will feel a pang as I do at h aving teased h i s

They were big girls it seem s —
:
, , ,
” ”
gentl e spi rit . t o o old to ,
attend his ins tru ctions with the S i l en ce necessary ,
h owe y e r o l d a g e and a lo n g state o f begga ry s eem to gbe ve

redu c ed his writing f acu l ties to a state o f i m
,
b ecility in ,
those days his langu age o c cas m n al l y r os e to t h e bold and

fi gurat i ve ; f o r whe n he was i n despair to stop th eir chat ,
-1
terin g his ordi nary phrase was Ladies i f y o u will n ot

hold you r p eace n ot al l the powers i n ;heay e n can m
1
, , ,
, ake
y o u . O nce he w as m i s s i n g f o r a day o r tw o : he h ad r un ,
away A little o l d u nhappy l o o ki ng m an brou ght hi m

—
-
1 ,
.
, , , t
back T i t was his father an d he di d no bu siness 1n the

, , ,
sch ool that day b u t s at , , ,
before h is face ; an d th e r ,
4 52 EL I ANA
upon su bject
th e Th e re i s an h e r al d i c te r m i n de e d
.
, ,
w h i c h s e e m s to i m ply ge n ti li ty a n d t h e r i gh t to c o at
.
,
ar m o u r u t n oth i n g f u r th e r p o t q l fi d
( b ) i n e r s n s h u s u,a i e .
B u t t h e s ini s ter bend i s m o r e p r obably i n te r p r e te d by t h e

bes t w r i te r s o n th i s s c i e nc e o f s o m e i r r e g u lar i ty o f bir th
,
th an o f bod i ly c o nfor m at i o n N obi li ty i s e ith e r h e r e d i tar y

.
o r by c r e at i o n
,
c o m m o n ly c all e d p ate n t
, O f t h e f or m e r .
k i n d t h e ti tl e i n qu e s ti o n c an n ot b e s ee i n g th at t h e n oti o n
, ,
o f i t i s l i m i te d to a p e rs o n al d i s t i n c t i o n w h i c h do e s n o t
n e c e s s a r i ly f ollo w i n t h e blood H o n o u r s o f th i s n atu re as

.
,
Mr An s t e y v e r y w e ll ob s e r v es d e s c en d m o r e ove r i n a
.
, , ,
r ight l ine It m u s t b e by p ate n t t h e n i f an yth i n g B u t

.
, , .
w h o c an s h o w i t ? H o w c o m e s i t to b e do r m an t Un d e r
w h at ki n g s r e i gn i s i t p a te n te d ? Am o n g t h e g r o u n d s o f
’
n obi li ty c i te d by t h e l e ar n e d Mr A s h m ol e a f t e r Ser vi c e s
.
,
”
i n t h e F i e ld o r i n t h e C o un c i l C h am b e r h e j u d i c i o u s ly ,
s e t s do w n H o n ou r s c o n fe rr e d by t h e s ove r e i gn o u t o f
“
m e r e b e n e vol e n ce o r as favo u r i n g o n e s u bj e c t r ath e r th an

,
'
an oth e r f o r s o m e l i k e n e ss o r c o nf o r m i ty ob se r v e d
( or b ut ,
s u pp o s e d n h i m t o t h e r oy al n a t u r e ; an d i n s tan c e s t h e
) i ,
g r ac es s h ow e r e d u pon C h ar les Br an don W h o in h is , .

,
goodly pe r s on b ei n g th o u gh t n o t a l i ttl e t o favo u r t h e p or t

an d b e ar i n g o f t h e k i n g s o w n m aj e s ty w as by t h at s ove
’
, ,
r e i gn K i n g H e n r y t h e E i gh th fo r s om e o r o n e o f th e s e
, ,
”
r e s p e c ts h i gh ly p r o m ote d an d p r e fe r r e d
,
H e r e if an y .
,
w h e r e w e th ou gh t w e h ad d i s c ov e r e d a c l u e to o u r r e
,
s e ar c h e s B u t af te r a p ai n f u l i n v e s t i gati on o f t h e r oll s an d
.
r e c o r d s u n d e r t h e r e i gn o f R i c h a r d t h e T h i r d o r Ri ch ar d ,
”
C r ou ch bac k as h e i s m or e u s u ally d e si gn ate d i n t h e
—
~
, _
ch r o n i c l e s fr om a tr ad i t i on ar y s toop o r g i bbo s i ty i n th at
ar t —
,
w e d o n o t fi n d th a t th at m o n ar c h c o n fe r r e d an y s u c h
p ,
l o r d s h i p s as h e r e p r e te nd e d u po n an y su bj ec t o r s u bj e c ts
, ,
o n a s i m pl e p l e a o f c onf o r m i ty i n th at r es pec t to th e
”
Th e p o s tu r e o f aff ai r s i n th os e tu m u l
”
r oyal n a t u r e
“
.
,
tu c us ti m es pr e c e di n g t h e battl e o f Bos w or th poss i bly le ft ,
h i m at n o l ei sur e to a tte n d t o s uc h ni c e ti e s F ur th er th an .
hi s r e i gn w e h ave n ot e xte n ded o ur i nqu i r i e s ;

,
o f En glan d w h o p r e ce d e d o r foll o w e d h im b e i n g
,
de s c ri be d by h i s to r ians to h av e be e n o f s tr aig h t
A P O P U L A R FALLAC Y 4 53
l im bs , th e n atur a l d e ri va ti v e , s ay s D an i el ,
o f h i gn
"
E
blood , i f n o t i t s p ri m i ti ve r e c o m m e n dati o n to s u ch e n n obl e

m e n t a s d e n o t i ng s tr e n gth an d m ar ti al p r o w e s s ,
, th e —
q u al i ti e s s e t m o s t by i n th at figh ti n g age An o t h e r m o ~ .
ti ve ,
l u s to s c r u pl e t h e v al i d i ty o f th i s c l ai m
w h i c h i n c i n es ,
i s t h e r e m ar kabl e fac t th at n o n e o f t h e p e r s on s i n w h o m
,
th e r i gh t i s s u ppo s e d to b e v e s te d do e v e r i n s i s t u p o n i t
t h e m s e lv e s T h e r e i s n o i ns tan ce o f an y o f th e m s u i n g
.
”
h i s pat e n t as t h e l a w book s c all i t ; m u ch l e s s o f h i s h av i n g
,
ac tu a lly s te pp e d u p i n to h i s p r op e r s e at a s s o q u al i fi e d w e
, , ,
m i gh t e xp e c t th at s o m e o f th e m w ou ld h av e h ad t h e s p i r i t
to do i n t h e H o u s e o f L o r d s O n t h e c on tr ar y i t se e m s to
, .
,
b e a d i s ti n c ti o n th r u s t u pon th e m Th e i r ti tle o f lo r d ’
.
,
s ay s o n e o f th e i r o w n body s p e ak i n g o f t h e c o m m o n p e opl e
, ,
“
I n e ve r m u c h val u e d an d n o w I e n ti r e ly d e s pi s e ; an d
,
t th e y w i ll f o r c e i t u po n m e as an h o n o u r w h i c h th e y
y e
”
h ave a r i gh t to b e s to w an d w h i c h I h av e n on e to r e fu s e 1
, .
'
U po n a d is p as s i o n at e r e v i e w o f t h e s u bj ec t w e ar e d i s po s e d
,
to b e li e v e th at th e r e i s n o r i gh t to th e p e er age i n c i d e n t to
m e r e bod i l y c on figu r at i o n th at t h e ti tl e i n di s pu te i s m e r e ly
h o n o r ar y an d d e p e n d i n g u pon t h e br e ath o f th e c om m on
,
p e o pl e w hi ch i n th es e r e al m s i s s o far fr om t h e po w e r o f
,
c o n fe r r i n g n ob i l i ty th at t h e abl e s t c o n s ti tu ti on al i s ts h av e
,
ag r ee d i n n oth i n g m or e u n an i m o u s ly th an i n th e m ax i m
’
th at t h e ki n g i s th e s ole f o u ntai n o f h o n ou r .
”
Hi s tory o f E ngl an d , Tem pori bus Edwardi Pri mi et sequ en ti b u s .
1
»
H v o n De formi ty
a .
E LI A N A
LE TT E R TO AN O LD G E N T LE M AN WH O S E
ED UCATI ON H AS B EE N N E G L E CT ED .
D E AR S I B , I sen yo u a an e ri n
-
d
b t g Epi tl t n O l d G tl m n “
s e o a en e a
wh os e Ed t
u c a i o n i s su osepp d
to h a e e e nv b gl ec ted O f e it w ne .
”
c our s , as
su gg t d
es eb y s m e l e tt of y d m i b l Opi m Eat th di n
e rs o our a ra e u -
er, e sc o
tin uan c e o f wh i h h d m h g t t my l f
c as cau s e mm wi th so uc re re o se 1n c o on
m t f y
os o r de Y will d m i nj ti by pp i g th t i
ou r ea rs . ou o e us ce su os n a , n
th e rem t t d g ee i t wa m y i nt ti
o es e r t
, i di l th p p s Th
s en on o r cu e o se a er . e
f t
ac th m t
18 , e i thi g m y giv
os se r ou si to i n oce t bu l q n s a e r se an n n r es ue
an d th m
, e i th y
ore s er o u s t h fi tt th y b m f th t p p
e a re , e er e e co e or a ur o se .
It 18 t t b
no pp d th t Ch a l C tt n di d t t t i v y
o e su o se a r es o o no en e r a n a er
h i gh g d f Vi gil twith t di g h e t v ti d th t p et Y
re ar or r , no s an n ra e s e a o . our
se l f t tify t h d p p t I h v l w y h l d f th p f d
c an es e ee r es ec a e a a s e or e ro ou n
ni g d p t ti g g i f i d N th i g pon th '
lear n an en e raf n en u s o o ur r en . o n u ear
woul d giv m e g e t pl th n to fi nd th t h h s n t l t sigh t f

r e a er e asu r e a a e a o os o
h is t t i i g
e n er a n n d i st tive p po
an n ru c ur se .
I m de i y u n d h i s in
a ,
ly ar s r, o rs a s cer e ,
E LI A .
Y DE A R S I R , qu es ti on w hi c h y o u h ave do n e
-
Th e
m e th e h on o u r to p r op ose to m e th r o ugh th e medi u m
o f ou r c o m
,
m o n f r i e nd Mr Gri e r s o n I s h all e n d e avo u r t o , .

,
an s w e r w i th as m u c h e x ac tn e s s a s a l i m i t e d obs er v ati o n
an d e xp e r i en c e c an w ar r an t
Yo u as k —
.
o r r ath e r M r Gr i e r s o n i n h i s o w n i n t e r e s t i n g
, .
,
l an gu age as k s f o r y o u Wh e th e r a p er s on at t h e age
'
, ,
of s i xty th r e e -
w i t h n o m o r e p r ofi ci e n c y th an a tol erabl e
,
know le dge o f m o s t o f th e c h ar ac t e r s o f t h e En gli s h alph a

b e t at fi r s t s i g h t am o u n ts to by d i n t o f p e r s e v e r i n g app l i c a
ti on an d good m as te r s a do c i l e an d i n ge n u ou s d i s p o s i ti on — ,
—
,
on t e pa t o
h r f t h e p u p i l al w a y s p r e s ppo s e d m ay h op e
u ,
t o ar r i v e w i th i n a p r e s u m abl e n u m b e r o f y e ar s
, at t h at ,
d e gr e e o f attai n m e n ts w h i ch sh all e n ti tl e th e pos s e ss or t o

t h e c h ar ac t e r w hi ch y o u ar e o n s o m an y ac c o u n ts j u s tly
,
d e si r ou s o f ac qu i r i n g o f a l ear ned man ’
T hi s i s fai r ly an d c an di dly s tat e d —

.
,
o n 1y I c o u ld w i s h ,
th at o n o n e p o i nt y o u h ad be e n a l i ttle m o r e e xpli c i t I n .
th e m ean t i m e I w i ll t ak e i t f o r g r an te d th at by a
, ,
4 56 E LI A N A
g i n e d t h a t t h e s u n m ov e s r o u n d t h e e ar th W h en y o u
.
s h al l h av e ' m as te r e d t h e t r u e s ol ar s y s t e m , y o u w i ll h av e
-
i t d i ff r e n t th e o r y u p o n th at p o i n t , I as su r e y o u
q u e a e .
m e n ti on b u t th i s i n s tan ce Yo u r o w n e xp eri en c e , as kn o w
.
l e dge advan c e s , w i ll fur n i sh y o u w i th m an y p aralle ls .
I c an s carc ely ap pr ove o f t h e i n t e n ti on , w h i c h Mr Gr i e r .
s o n i n f o r m s m e y u h av e c on t e m pl at e d , o f e n t e r i n g yo u r s e l f
o
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lo w e r to th e h i gh e r fo r m s w i th t h e c h i ld r en I s e e m or e .
to ad m i r e i n th e m ode s ty th an i n t h e e xp e d i en c y o f s u ch a
re s ol u t i o n . I o w n I c an n ot r e c on c i l e m ys e lf to t h e s pec
tac l e o f a ge n tl e m an at you r ti m e o f li fe , s eate d , as m u s t b e
y o u r c as e at fi r s t , b e lo w a ty r o o f f o ur o r fi v e ; f o r at th at
e a 1 1y age t h e r u d i m e n ts o f e d u c ati o n u s u ally c o m m e n c e i n
th i s c ou n try I dou bt w h e th e r m or e m i gh t n o t b e l o s t i n
.
t h e poi n t o f fitn e s s th an w ou ld b e gai n e d i n t h e ad v an tage s

w h i c h y o u p r opo se to yo u r se l f by th i s s c h e m e .
Y o u s ay y ou s tan d i n n e e d o f e m u l ati on ; th at th i s i n c i te ‘
m e n t i s n o w h e r e to b e h ad b u t at a p u bl i c s ch ool th at y o u
s h ou ld b e m or e s e n s i bl e o f you r p r o g r e s s by c o m p ar i n g i t
w i th t h e d ai ly p r ogr e ss o f th o se ar ou n d y o u B u t h av e y o u
.
c on s i de r e d t h e n atu r e o f e m u l at i o n , an d h o w i t i s s u s tai n e d
a t th e s e t e n d e r y e ar s w h i c h y o u w ou ld h av e t o c o m e i n
c o m p e ti t i o n w i th I am af r ai d y o u ar e d r e am i ng of
a c ad e m i c p r i z es an d d i s ti n c ti o n s Al as ! i n t h e u n i v e r
.
s i ty fo r w h i c h y o u ar e pr e par i n g , t h e h i gh e s t m e dal
w o u ld b e a s i lv e r p e n n y ; an d y o u m u s t gr adu at e i n n u ts
an d o r an ge s
I kn o w th at P e te r th e G r e at C z ar —o r E m p e r or —of
.
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at D e pt f o r d t h a t h e m i gh t l e ar n an d c o n v e y t o hi s c o u n
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to r e m e m be r h i m o r at l e as t th e t alk abou t h i m I call to

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i n t h e th e o r y an d p r ac ti c e o f w ar an d s e t an e xam pl e o f
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LE TT E R T O AN O LD G EN T LE M AN 4 57
pri nces ar e w i ll i n g
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s how of m o c k h u m i l i ty t h e c om p e t i ti o n w h i c h th ey
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s toop e d to w as w i th th e i r c c eval s h o w e v e r i n fe r i o r to ,
th e m i n b i r th B e t w e e n age s s o v e r y d i s par ate as th os e

.
w h i c h y o u c on t e m p l ate I f e ar th e r e c an n o s al u tar y e m u
,
l at i o n s u b s i s t .
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o r d i n ar y r epr oofs an d d i s ci pli n e o f a d ay s c h ool ? Cou ld -
y o u b e a r to b e c o rr e c t e d f o r yo u r f au lt s ? O r h o w w ou ld i t
look to s e e y o u p u t to s tan d as m u s t b e th e c as e some tim e s

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i n a c o r ner ?
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l abou r s i n a s or t o f f r i e n dly r i valr y S u c h a o n e I th i n k .

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45 8 E LI A N A
An d n ow ,m y d e ar s i r , i f ,
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ou t h e n atu r e o f t h e s u bj e c t m u s t b e m apology D ifli
y , y .
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say th at
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t o b e as pl ai n as po s s i bl e I am n o t goi n g to p r es e n t y o u
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o r h as p o s s i bly b e e n r e al i z e d i n t h e p e r s o n s o f B u c h an an
an d B u sby S om e th i n g le s s th an perf e c ti o n w i ll s e r ve o u r
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yo u r e d u c ati on o n ly an d i n e n u m e r at i n g th e qu ali fi cati ons
o f h i m th at s h o u ld u n d e r ta k e t h e d i r e c t i o n o f yo u r s tu d i e s ,
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p u r po se .
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S o m u ch at l e as t i s i n di s pen s abl e S o m e t h ing olde r th an .
your s e lf I c o u ld w i sh h i m be c au s e y ear s ad d r e v e r e n c e
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t h e i m p e r f e c ti o n s o f t h e s lo w e s t an d m e an e s t c ap a c i ti e s .
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4 60 E LI A N A
w h e n ce y o u m ay d i s c e r n t h e r i g h t p ath o f a v i r t u o u s a n d
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P RO P E R NA M E S .
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ge s t to t h e m i n ds o f t w o p e r s on s h e ar i n g i t i d e as t h e
m o s t o ppo s i te ! I w as c o n v e r s i n g a f e w y e ar s s i n c e w i th , ,
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p e r i od i c al s an d f o r go tte n m i s c e llan i e s F r o m th e d u s t o f .
s o m e o f t h e s e i t i s o u r i n te n ti o n o c c as i o n ally to r e v i v e a
trac t o r t w o th a t s h al l s e e m w ort h y o f a b e tte r f ate ,
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h i s r e c e n t Co n ti n e ntal tour m ay h ap ly w an t t h e l e i s ur e
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be e n i n du c e d i n t h e fi r s t i n s tan c e to r e p r i n t a t h i ng; w h i c h
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4 2 E LI A N A
h e p u t f o r th i n a f r i e n d s v ol u m e s om e ye ar s s i nc e , en t i tl e d
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th e Q u ar te r ly R e v i e w e r s h av e c h o se n to e m be lli sh t h e i r
l as t d r y p age s w i th f r u i t fu l qu o tati o n s th e r e fr o m ; add in g,
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.
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) h u m o r o u s ly c o m l ai n e th o f an i n o r
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o f d e e p e r i n t e r e s t an d w i d e r u s e f u ln e s s — m i gh t b e m ad e
o u t Of t h e i m ag i n e d e xp e r i e n c e s o f a G r e at D r i n k e 1 Ac .
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r e al i z e h i s d e s c r i pti o n s h as g i v e n u s — a f r i g h tf u l p i c t u r e
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fic ti ti o u s E dax m ay b e s u ppos e d to i d e n ti fy i ts e l f w i th Mr
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w o r ld abo u t h i m ; an d th i s accu m u l ate d m a s s o f m i se r y h e
h ath c e n t r e d ( as t h e c u s to m i s w i th j u d i c i ou s e s say i s t s ) i n
a s i n gl e fig u r e We d e n y n o t t h at a por ti on o f h i s o w n
.
e xp e r i e n c e s m ay h av e p as s e d i n to t h e p i c tu r e (as w h o ,
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.
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si ngu l ar l y h ar sh an d r e pu l s i ve i n th e flavou r of th e m I '
.
kn ow n ot by w hat d e m on of co n tr adi c ti on i n s pi r ed b u t I ,
was hau n t e d w i th an i r r e s i s ti bl e d e s i r e t o p l u c k i t Tear .
m ys e l f a s of te n as I w ou ld f r om t h e s pot I f o u n d m ys e lf ,
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.
c ann ot p e r s u ad e m e b u t th at t h e H e b r e w w o r d i n th e ,
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r e n der e d p e ach . O n ly th i s w ay c an I r e c on c i l e th at
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n ot lau gh at th e m I w as ten de r ly an d lov i n gly br ou gh t
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t h e babe F f r om t h e l ap s tr e tch i n g o u t h i s l i ttl e f on d

m o u th to cat c h th e m ater n al ki s s co u ld h av e p r e di c te d o r , ,
as m u c h as i m ag i n e d th at l i f e s v e r y d iff e r e n t e x i t
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s igh t o f m y o w n fi n ge r s to r m en ts m e th e y s e e m s o adm i
r ab l y c on s tr u c t e d fo r — p i l fe ri n g T h e n th a t j u gu l ar v e i n
.
w h i c h I h av e i n c o m m o n i n an e m ph at i c s e n s e m ay
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r e fl e c t i o n I h u m a t u n e i t c h an g e s to t h e
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a sh o c ki n g f ee l in g o f m y h an d i n s om e po c k e t .
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c y l om a n i a , or ,
am I alo n e
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m ay appe ar fr om B o w S tr ee t S US PEN SURUS

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Amo n h is p ap ers we re foun th e f o l l o wi n R e fl e c ion s d g t ,
v bt d v
wh i c h we h a e o ai ne b y fa o ur o f o ur fr i en E l i a wh o k ne w h i m d ,
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wel l , an d h ad h ear h i m escr i e th e rai n of h i s fe e l i n s u po n h a t g , t t
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tr yi n oc c as i on, al m o s i n th e w o r s o f th e manu scri p E l i a speaks o f t .
h i m as a m an (w i th th e e c e p ion o f th e pe cc a il l o afo resai ) o f s in ul ar

x t d d g
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g
s ul l y o ur p a es b y i n se r ti n it ED I TOR g .
— .
S CENE ,
— opp os i te th e Royal E xcha nge .
Ti ME, Twel ve to One, Noon .
E TC H m y , good fe llo w , y ou h av e a neat h an d Pri th e e .
j th i s
ad u s t n e w c oll ar to m y n e c k g i n g e r ly I am .
n o t u s e d t o th e s e w ood e n c r av at s T h e r e s of tly s oftly .

, , .
T h at s e em s th e e x ac t po i n t be tw e en or n am en t an d s tr an
g u l at i o n A t h
. o u gh t loos e r o n th i s s i d e N o w i t w i ll d o . .
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fac e t h e e as t agai n tr av e l l i n g w i th t h e su n N o h alf poi n ts

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, .
No w l eav e m e a l i ttle to m y o w n r e fl ec ti o ns .
Bles s u s w h at a c o m pan y i s as s e m bl ed i n h o n ou r of m e
,
Ho w gran d I s tan d h er e ! I nev e r felt so s e n s i bly be for e

th e e ff e c t o f s ol i tu de i n a c r o w d I m u se i n s ol e m n s i l e nc e .
u po n th at v as t m i s ce ll an e o u s r abbl e i n t h e p i t th e r e Fr om .
m y p r i vat e b o x I c on tem p l ate w i th m i n gl e d pi ty an d ,
w on de r th e gap i n g c ur i o s i ty o f th o s e u n d e r l i n g s T h e r e ar e
, .
m y Wh i te c h ap e l s u p p or te r s R o s e m ar y Lan e h as e m p ti e d .
h er se lf o f th e ve r y fl o w e r o f h e r c i t i z e n s t o gr ace m y s h ow .
D u k e s Place s i ts des olate

’
What i s th er e i n m y fac e th at
.
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46 6 E LI A N A
t ng e r s
s ra far fr om th e e as t to gaz e u pon i t !
sh ou ld c om e so
[ H er e an egg na rr o wly mi sses h i m

] T h a t o ffe r i n g w a s w e l l
'
m e an t b u t n o t s o c l e an ly e x e c u te d
, By t h e tr i ckl i n gs , i t .
sh ou ld n ot Sp ar e yo u r
b e e i th e r m y r r h o r f r an ki n c e n s e .
p r e se n ts ,
m y f r i e n d s I a m n o w ay s m e r c e n ar y
. I d es i r e n o .
m is s i v e tok e n s of yo u r app r obati o n I am p as t th ose v al en .
ti n e s t h e s e c o ffi n s o f u n ti m e ly c h i c k e n s u po n t
m ou th sth at w ater f o r th e m
.
Co m for t you r addl e s pou s e s .
w i th th e m at h o m e an d s to p t h e m o u th s o f y o u r b r aw l i n g
,
b r ats w i th su ch Ol la Pod r i d as : th e y h av e n e e d o f th e m .
r i ck i s l et s e as e n ot I p r ay n o r d i s m an tl e
[ A b fl y ] D i .
y o u , ,
you r r e n t an d r agg e d t e n e m e n ts t o f ur n i sh m e w i th ar c h i ,
t e c t u r al d e c o r a ti o n s w h i ch I c an e x cu se , Th i s fr agm e n t .
m i gh t h av e s topp e d a fl aw again s t s n o w c o m e s [ A c oa l .
C n d e r s ar e d e a r ge n tl e m e n T u bbl i n g m i gh t
fl ]i es . i h i s n , .
h av e h e lp e d t h e p o t boi l w h e n yo u r d i r ty c u t t i n g s f r om ,
t h e s h am bl e s at th r ee h a n e n c e a po u n d s h al l s ta n d at a c old
’
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sim mer N o w s ou th abou t Ke t c h I w o u l d e njoy Au s tral i an

. .
pop u lar i ty .
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fli e s o f a day —e p h e m e r al R om ans —w e lc om e ! D o th t h e
‘
,
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s i gh t o f m e dr aw s o u l s fr o m l i m bo ? Can i t d i s p e opl e
“
pu r gator y —H a !
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Wh at am I o r w hat wa s m y fath e r s h ou se t h at I s h ou l d
,
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,
th u s b e s e t u p a s p e c t ac l e to gen tl e m en an d oth e rs ? Wh y
ar e al l f ac es l i k e P e r s i an s at t h e s u n r i s e b e n t s i n gly o n
“
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m in e alon e ? It w as w o n t t o b e e s te e m e d an o r d i n ar y v i s
h om y a q u oti d i an m e rely D ou btl e s s th e s e as s e m bl e d

‘
.
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m yr i ad s d i sc e r n som e t r ai t s o f n obl e n e s s ge n ti li ty b r e e d i n g
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w h i ch h i th e r to h av e es c ap ed t h e c o m m on o b se r v at i on
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s o ni e i n t i m ati o n s a s i t w e r e o f w i s dom v alo u r p i e ty an d so

' ‘
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fo r th My s i gh t d azzl e s ; an d i f I a m n o t d e c e i v e d by th e ,
too fam i l i ar p r e s s u r e o f th is s tr an ge n e c kc loth th at e n v e lop s

i t m y c ou n t e n an c e gi v e s ou t l am b e n t glo r i e s
,
F o r s om e .
p ai n te r n ow to t ak e m e i n th e lu c ky p o i n t o f e xp r e ssi on
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t e po s t u r e s o c o n ve n i e n t l t h c h e ad n e v e r s h i f ti n g b u t ,
stan d i n g qu i e s c e n t i n a s o r t o f n at u r al f ram e B u t th ese .
ar ti s an s r e q u i r e a w e s te r ly as pe c t K e t c h tu r n m e .
,
.
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4 6 8 E LI A N A
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Sh e bb ear e , f r om t h e i r ( li t tl e m or e e l e vate d ) s tati on s th e y
l ook do w n w i th r e c o gn i t i on s K e tch tu rn m e .
, .
I n o w v e e r to t h e n o r th Op e n y o u r w i d e s t gate s , th ou .
p r ou d E xch an ge o f Lon don , th at I m ay look i n as p r ou dly !

G r e sh am s w on de r , h ai l ! I s tan d u po n a l e v e l w i th al l
’
you r k i n gs Th e y an d I , f r om e qu al h eigh ts , w i th e qu al
.
s u p e r c i l i o u s n e s s , o e r l o o k t h e pl o dd i n g m o n e y h u n ti n g tr i b e
’
-
be l o w , w h o , bu s i e d i n th e i r s o r d i d s p e cu l ati on s , s c ar c e e l ev at e
th e i r e y e s to n oti c e yo u r an c i en t o r m y r e c en t g r an de u r , , .
Th e d C h ar l e s s m i l e s o n m e f r om th r e e p e de s tal s
secon
He c los e d th e E xc h e qu e r : I ch e ate d t h e E xc i s e E qu al .
o u r d ar i n gs e q u al b e o u r lot .
t i s t h e i r fatal c h i m e
,
Ar e th o s e t h e q u ar te r s 9
T h at t h e.
’
.
e v e r w i n ge d h o u r s w o u ld b u t s t an d s ti ll ! b u t I m u s t d es c e nd
-
d e sc en d f r o m th i s d r e am o f g r e atn e ss S tay s tay a li ttl e

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.
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w h i l e i m po r tu n at e h o u r h an d ! A m o m e n t o r t w o an d I
,
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s h all walk o n f o ot w i th t h e u n d i s ti n gu i sh e d m an y Th e .
c lo c k s p eak s o n e ; I r e tur n t o c o m m o n l i fe K et ch l e t m e .
,
ou t .
C UPI D S R E VE N G E ’
.
EON TI US, D u k e o f Ly c i a, w h o i n ti m e s p as t h ad b o rn e
t h e ch ar ac t e r o f a w i s e an d j u s t g o v e r n or an d w as e n ,
d e ar e d t o al l r an k s o f h i s s u bj e c ts i n h i s l atte r d ays f e ll ,
i n to a s or t o f dota ge , w h i ch m an i fe s te d i ts el f i n an e xt r a
v agan t f o n d n e ss f o r h i s d au gh t e r H i d as es T h i yo g
p s -
u n .
m ai d e n w i t h t h e P r i n c e Le u c i pp u s , h e r br o th er w e r e t h e
, ,
o n ly r e m emb r an c e s l e f t to h i m o f a d e c e as e d an d be lo v e d
c on s or t . Fo r h er , n o t h i n g w as th ou gh t t o o p r e ci o u s E x i s t .
e n ce w as o f no val u e t o h i m b u t as i t aff o rd e d oppor tu n i t i es

t tue of Ch l es II by th e e l de Cibbe adorns th e f ont o f th e
A s a ar ., r r, r
Ex g H t d l o n h i gh i th e t i f h i s c wne d n c st or
c h an e . e s an s a s o , n ra n o ro a e s,
in p p orde wi th i n th t b i l din g B t th m ch an ts o f Lo don

h i s ro er r, a u . u e er n ,
i n a s p e f tati n o f l y l ty h ve wi th i
u r e of w y ea se d t
o a be ,
a , n a e r s , c au o
e te d n th e effi gy f h i m n th e g nd i th e c entre o f th e i nterio

re c a o r o o rou n r .
W do no t h ear th at a fou rth is in c nte m plation

e o .
CUPID S R E VEN G E
’
6
4 9
of gr ati fy i n g h e r w i s h e s To b e i ns tr u m e n tal i n r e l i ev i n g
.
h e r fr om t h e l eas t l i ttl e pai n o r g r i e f h e w o u ld h av e ,
l avi sh e d h i s tr e asu r e s to t h e gi v i n g aw ay o f t h e o n e h al f o f -
h i s du kedo m .
Al l th i s d e fe r e n c e o n th e p ar t o f t h e p ar en t h ad y e t n o
po w e r u pon t h e m i n d of t h e dau gh ter to m ove h er at an y
ti m e to s o l i c i t an y u n b ec om i n g s u i t o r t o di s tu r b t h e e v en ,
ten o r o f h e r th o u gh ts Th e h u m i li ty an d d u ti f u l n e s s o f
.
h e r c ar r i age s e e m e d t o kee p p ac e w i th h i s app ar en t w i ll i n g

n e s s t o r e l e a s e h e r f r o m t h e o bl i g ati o n s o f e i t h e r Sh e .
m i g h t h a v e s at i s fi e d h e r w i ld es t h u m o u r s an d c ap r i ce s ;
b u t i n t ru th n o s u ch t r o u bl e s om e g u e s ts f ou n d h ar b o u r i n
, ,
t h e bo s om o f t h e qu i e t an d u n as p i r i n g m ai d e n .
T h u s far t h e pr u d e n c e o f t h e p r i n c es s s e r v e d to c ou n ter
ac t an i l l e ff e c t s w h i c h th i s u n g o v e r n abl e p ar ti al i ty i n a
y
par en t w as c al c u lat e d to p r od u c e i n a l e s s v i r tu o us n atu r e
th an Hi das p e s an d th i s fo i bl e o f t h e d u k e s s o lon g as n o
’ ’
e v i l r e s u l t e d f r om i t w as p as s e d ov e r by t h e c o u r ti e r s as a
,
pi e c e o f h ar m l e s s fr e n z y
‘
B u t u po n a s o l e m n d ay a s ad o n e as i t p r ov e d f o r
Ly c i a —w h e n th e r e tu r n i n g an n i ve r s ar y o f t h e p r i n ces s s
, ,
’
,
b i r th w as ke pt w i th e x tr ao r d i n ar y r ejoi c i n gs t h e i n fatu ate d ,
f ath e r s e t n o bou n d s t o h i s f o lly b u t w o u ld h av e h i s s u b ,
e c t s to do h o m ag e to h e r f o r t h a t d a as to t h e i r n a tu r al
j y ,
sov e r e i gn ; as i f h e i n d e e d h ad b ee n d ead an d s h e to t h e
, , ,
e x c l u s i o n o f t h e m al e su c c e s s i on w as b e c o m e t h e r i gh tf u l ,
ru l e r o f Lyc i a H e s al u te d h e r by t h e s tyl e o f D u c h e s s
.
an d w i th a t e rr i bl e o ath i n t h e p r e s e n ce o f h i s n obl e s b e
, ,
c o n fi r m e d to h e r t h e g r an t o f al l t h i n gs w h ats o e v e r th at s h e
s h o u ld d e m an d o n th at d ay an d f o r t h e s i x n e xt follo w i n g ;,
an d i f s h e s h o u ld as k an y th i n g t h e e x e c u ti o n o f w h i c h
,
m u s t b e d e fe r r e d u n t i l af t e r h i s d e ath h e p r o n ou n c e d a ,
d r e ad fu l c u r se u pon h i s s on an d su c c e s s o r if h e fai l e d t o s e e ,
t o t h e p e r fo r m an c e o f i t .
Th u s e n cou r ag e d th e p r i n ces s s t e pp e d f o r th w i th a
,
m od e s t bold n e s s ; an d as i f as s u re d o f n o d e n i al s p ak e as
, ,
f ollo w s .
B u t b e f o r e w e ac qu ai n t y o u w i th t h e p u r p or t o f h e r
,
s p e e c h w e m u s t p r e m i s e t h at i n t h e l an d of L ci a w h i c h
‘
, , y ,
47 0 ELIAN A
w as at th at t i m e p agan abov e al l th ei r oth er gods t h e i n h a
,
b i t an t s di d i n an e s pe c i al m an n e r ador e t h e de i ty w h o w as
s u p po s e d to h av e i n fl u e n ce i n t h e d i s p o s i n g o f p e opl e s
’
aff ec ti o n s i n l o ve H i m by t h e n am e o f G od Cu pi d th e y
.
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fe i gn e d to b e a be autzf u l boy an d wi nged as i n d e e d b e t w e e n , ,
you n g p er s on s th e s e f r an t i c pas si o n s ar e u s u ally l e as t

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un d e r c on s t r ai n t w h i l e t h e W i n g s m i gh t s i gn i fy t h e h as te
w i t h w hi c h t h e s e il l j u dg e d attac h m e n t s ar e c o m m o n ly
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di ss o lv e d an d d o i n d e e d go aw ay as li gh tly as th e y c o m e
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fl yi n g aw ay i n an i n s tan t t o li gh t u p on s om e ne w e r fan cy .
Th e y p ai n te d h i m bl ind fol ded b ec au s e th e s e s i lly affe c ti o n s,
o f lov e r s m ak e th e m bl i n d to t h e d e f e c t s o f t h e b e lov e d
obj e c t w h i ch e v er y o n e i s qu i c k s i gh te d e n ou gh to d i s c ove r
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b u t th e m s e lv e s ; o r b e c au s e l o v e i s f o r t h e m o s t p ar t l e d
bli n dly r ath e r th an d i r ec te d by t h e op e n e y e o f t h e j u dg
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m e n t i n t h e h as ty c h o i ce o f a m ate
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Y e t w i th th at i n c o n .
s i s t e n c y o f a tt r i bu t e s w i th w h i ch t h e h e a th e n p e opl e co m
mo y n l ov e r —c o m pl i m e n te d th e i r d e i t i e s th i s b l i n d lo v e t h i s , ,
C u p i d th ey figu r e d w i th a b o w an d ar r ow s ; an d b e i n g
, , ,
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pr oo f agai n s t t h e poi n t o f h i s i n e v i tabl e d ar t By su c h

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.
i n c r e di ble fi c ti o n s d i d th e s e po o r p agan s m ak e a s h i f t to
e xc u s e th e i r v an i t i e s an d to g i v e a s an c ti o n t o th e i r i r r e
,
g u l ar affe c ti o n s , u n d e r t h e n ot i on t h a t l o v e w as i r r e s i s t
i bl e ; w h e r e as i n a w e ll r e g u l at e d m i n d th e s e am or o u s
,
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c on c ei ts e i th e r fi n d n o pl ac e at al l or h av i n g gai n e d a , ,
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m an l y r e s ol u t i on .
T h i s f r e n z y i n t h e p e o pl e h ad lo n g b een a s ou r c e o f
-
di s qu i e t to t h e d i s cr e e t p r i n c e s s ; an d m an y w e r e t h e c o n
fer e n c e s s h e h ad h e ld w i th t h e v i r tu o u s p r i n c e ; h e r b r o th e r ,
as to t h e b e s t m od e o f t aki n g o ff t h e m i n d s o f t h e L y c i ans
l
f r om th i s v ai n s u p e r s ti ti on An o ccas i o n f u rn i sh e d by th e
.
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bli n d g r an t o f t h e o l d d u ke th ei r fath e r s e e m e d n o w to , ,
p r e s e n t i ts e l f .
Th e c ou r ti e r s th e n b e i n g as s e m bl e d t o h e ar th e d e m an d
,
w h i c h t h e p r i n c e s s s h o u ld m ak e b e gan t o c o n j e c t u r e e ac h
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o n e acc or di ng to t h e b e n t o f hi s o w n d i s po s i t i o n w hat th e ,
47 2 E LI A N A
l v p as s i o n s
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. Th i s winged boy fo r so th ey fan cy h i m

h as h i s fi c e s h i s lo os e i m ag e s s e t u p i n t h e l an d
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n ot e xe m pt fr o m th e m t o t h e s can d al o f s ou n d d e v oti o n , ,
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—
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g v good g t to
i e i f s m a n a s C e r e s w h o gi v e s u s c o r n ; t h e
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plan te r o f t h e oli ve P all as ; N eptu n e w h o d i r e c ts t h e , ,
t r ack o f s h i ps ove r t h e gr e at o c e an an d bi n d s d is tan t lan d s ,
toge th e r i n fr i e n dly c om m e r c e t h e i n ve n to r o f m e d i ci n e
an d m u s i c Apoll o ; an d t h e c l o u d c o m p e l l i n g T h u n d e r e r o i
O ly m p u s : w h e r e as t h e g i fts o f t h i s i dl e d e i ty —i f i n d e e d
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h e h ave a b e i n g at al l o u t o f t h e b r ai n o f h i s fr an ti c w o r
s h i pp e r s — u s u al l y p r ov e d e s tr u c t i v e an d p e r n i c i o u s My .
s u i t t h e n i s th at t h i s u n s e e m ly i dol t h r o u gh ou t t h e l an d
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b e plu c k e d do w n an d c as t i n to t h e fi r e ; an d th at t h e
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ad o r i n g o f t h e s am e m a b e p r oh i b i te d o n p ai n o f d ea t h to
y
an y o f yo u r s u bj e c t s h e n c e f o r th f o u n d s o o ff e n d i n g
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p r i n ces s w i th te ar s b es ou gh t h er to ask s om e w i s e r thi n g

, ,
an d n o t t o b ri n g do w n u pon h e r se l f an d h i m t h e i n d i gna
ti on o f s o gr eat a god .
T h e r e i s n o s u ch god as y o u d r e am o f s ai d th en Le u ,
c i ppu s boldly w h o h ad h i th e r to f o r bor n e to s e c o n d t h e

,
pe ti ti on o f th e p r i n c e ss ; b u t a v ai n opi ni on o f h i m h as
fill e d th e l an d w i th lov e an d w an ton n e s s E ve r y yo u n g .
m an an d m ai d e n th at f e e l t h e l e as t d es i r e to o n e an oth e r
, ,
dar e i n n o c as e to s u ppr es s i t ; f o r th e y th i n k i t t o b e Cu p i d s ’
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m oti o n an d th at h e i s a god 1
,
Th us pr e s s e d by t h e s o li ci tati on s o f both h i s ch i ld r e n ,
an d f e ar i n g t h e o a th w h i c h h e h ad tak e n i n an e v i l h ou r ,
th e m is gi v i n g fath e r c on s e n te d ; an d a p r o c l am ati on w as
s e n t th r ou gh o u t al l t h e p r ov i n c e s fo r t h e p u tt i n g do w n o f -
t h e i dol an d s u ppr e s s i on o f t h e e s tabl i s h e d C u p i d w o rs h i p

,
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s i lv e r 01 i n m ar bl e w h o m ad e a gai n f u l t r ad e e i th e r 1n
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n o l o n ge r t o b e tol e r at e d Th e c r y w as c lam o r o us as th at.
at E p h esu s w h en a ki n d re d i dol w as i n d ang e r ; fo r g r eat

C U PI D S R E V EN G E
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nad be e n C u p i d o f t h e Lyc i an s N e ve r th e le s s t h e pow e r.

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o f t h e du ke b ac ke d by t h e po w e r o f h i s m o r e p o p u l ar
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c h i ld r e n p r e v ai l e d ; an d t h e d e s t ru c ti o n o f e v e r y v e s ti g e o f
,
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th e o l d r e l i g i on w as b u t as t h e w o r k o f o n e d ay t h r o u gh o u t
t h e c o u n tr y .
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, .
th e d i s pl e as u r e o f C u pi d w e n t o u t t h e d i s pl eas u r e o f a
gr e at go d —fl y i n g th r o u gh al l t h e d u kedom an d s ow i n g
-
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e v i ls . B u t u po n t h e fi r s t m ov e r s o f t h e p r o fan at i o n h i s
an g r y h an d l ay h e av i e s t ; a n d t h e r e w as i m p o s e d u pon
t h e m a s tr an ge m i s e r y t h a t al l m i gh t kn o w t h at C u p i d s
’
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r e v e n g e w as m i gh ty Wi th hi s ar r o w s h o tte r th an pl agu e s
.
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o r th an h i s o w n an g e r d i d h e fi e r c e l y r i g h t h i m se l f ; n o r
,
c o u l d th e p r ay e r s o f a f e w c on c e al e d w o r s h i pp e r s n o r t h e ,
s m o k e ar i s i n g f r o m an a ltar h e r e an d th e r e w h i c h h ad e s
’
c ap e d t h e ge n e r al ov e r th r o w av e r t h i s w r a th o r m ak e h i m , ,
to c eas e f r o m v e n ge an c e un til h e h ad m ad e o f th e on ce ,
flo ur i sh i n g c ou n tr y o f Ly c i a a m o s t w r e t ch e d l an d He .
s en t n o fam i n e s h e l e t loo se n o c r u e l w i ld b e as t s am o n g
th e m —in fli c ti o n s w i th o n e o r oth er o f w h i c h t h e r e s t o f
,
th e O lym pi an d e i t i e s ar e fabl e d to h av e v i s i te d t h e n ati on s

u n d e r th e i r d i s pl e as u r e —b u t took a n e ar e r c o u r s e o f hi s
,
o w n ; an d h i s i n v i s i bl e ar r o w s w e n t to t h e mor al hear t o f
L y c i a i n f e c ti n g an d fill i n g c o u r t an d c o u n tr y w i th d es i r e s
,
o f u n l aw f u l m arr i ag e s u nh e ar d o f an d m on s tr o u s aff e c ti on s
,
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p r o di gi ou s an d m i s be c om i ng u n i on s .
T h e s ym ptom s w e r e fi r s t v i s i bl e i n t h e c h an g e d bo s om
o f H i d as p e s T h i
. s e x e m pl a r y m a i d e n — w h o s e c old m o ,
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d e s ty a l m o s t to a f ai li n g h ad d i s c o u r ag ed t h e add r e s s e s o f
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.
s o m an y p r i n ce ly s u i to r s t h at h ad s o u g h t h e r h an d i n m ar
ria e
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— b y t h e v e n o m o f thi s i n w ar d p e s t i l e n ce c am e o n a , .
s u d d e n to c as t e y e s o f aff e c ti o n u pon a m e an an d d e f o r m e d
c r e at u r e Z o i l u s by n am e w h o w as a d w ar f an d l i ve d
, , ,
ab o u t t h e p al ac e t h e c o m m o n j e s t o f t h e c o u r ti e r s
, I n h er .
b e s otte d e y e s h e w as g r o w n a go o dly g en tl e m an ; an d to
h e r m ai d e n s w h e n an y o f th e m r e pr o ach e d h i m w i th th e
,
d e fe c t o f h i s s h ap e i n h e r h e ar i n g s h e w ou ld r e p l y th at , ,
to t h e m i n d e e d h e m i gh t app ear d e fe c ti v e an d u nl i ke a
, , ,
m an as i n d e e d n o m an w as l i k e un to h i m ; fo r i n fo r m
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474 . E LI A N A
an d c o m p le xi o n h e w as be yo n d pain t i n g He i s l i k e sh e .
l
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sai d ,
to n o th i n g th at w e h ave s e e n ; y e t h e doth r e s e m bl e '
A p o llo as I h av e f an c i e d h i m w h e n r i s i n g i n t h e e as t h e
, , , ,
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be s t i r s h i m s e l f an d s h ak e s d ay l i gh t fr o m h i s h ai r
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An d .
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ove r c o m e w i th a pass i o n w h i ch w as h e av i e r th an s h e c o u l d
b e ar sh e c on fe s s e d h e r s e l f a w r e tc h e d c r e atu r e an d i m
, ,
l o r e d f o r g i v e n e ss o f G o d C u p i d w h om s h e h ad p r ov o k e d ;
p ,
an d ,
i f po s s i ble th at h e w o u ld g r an t i t to h e r th at s h e
,
m i gh t e njoy h e r lov e N ay s h e w o u ld c o u r t th i s pi e c e o f
.
,
d e f o r m i ty t o h i s f ac e ; an d w h e n t h e w r e tc h s u pp o s i n g i t ,
to b e do n e i n m o ck e r y h as s ai d th at h e c o u ld w i sh h i m s e lf
,
m o r e i l l s h ap e d th an h e w a s so i t w ou ld c o n tr i bu t e to m ak e
-
h e r g rac e m e r r y s h e w ou ld r e ply
, Oh t h i n k n o t th a t I ,
je s t ; u n le ss i t b e a j e s t n o t to e ste e m m
y l i fe i n c om p ar i s o n
w i th th i n e ; to h an g a th o u s an d ki s s e s i n an h o u r u p o n
'
th o s e l i p s ; u n le ss i t b e a j e s t to v o w th at I am w i ll i n g to .
”
b e c om e you r w i fe an d to take ob e di e n c e u pon m e An d
by h i s o w n w h i t e h an d taki n g i t i n h e r s —s o s tr on g
.
,
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—
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w as t h e d e l u si o n s h e b e s o u gh t h i m to s w e ar t o m ar r
, y
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h er .
Th e te r m h ad n o t y e t e x p i r e d o f t h e s e v e n d ays w i th i n
'
w h i c h t h e doti n g d u k e h a d s w o r n to f u lfil h e r w i ll , w h e n ,
i n pu r s u an c e o f th i s f re n zy s h e p r e s e n te d h e r s e l f b e for e
,
'
h e r f ath e r , l e ad i n g i n t h e d w ar f by t h e h an d , an d , i n t h e
“ “
fac e o f al l t h e c ou r ti e r s , s o l e m n ly d e m an d i n g h i s h an d i n
m ar r i age An d , w h e n t h e ap e i sh c r e atu r e m ad e s h o w of
.
blu sh i n g at th e u n m e r i te d h on ou r , sh e , to c o m fo r t h i m ,
bade h i m n ot to b e ash am e d ; fo r , i n h e r e y e s , h e w as
w or th a ki n gdom .
An d now too l at e
, ,
d i d t h e f on d fa th e r
pe n t h im o f h i s re
dotage B u t w h e n by n o 1m p o r tu n i ty h e c o u ld p r e v ai l
.
u p o n h e r to de s i s t f r o m h er s u i t fo r h i s o ath s s ak e h e
’
m u s t n e e d s c o ns e n t to t h e m ar r i ag e '
B u t t h e c e r e m on y .
w as n o s oon e r to t h e d e r i s i o n o f al l p r e s en t p e r fo r m e d
, , ,
th an w i th t h e j u s t feel i n gs o f an ou tr age d p ar en t h e c o m
, ,
m an d e d t h e h e ad o f t h e p r e s u m ptu o u s b r i de gr oo m to be
s tr i c k e n o ff an d c o m m i tte d t h e d i s tr ac te d p r i n c ess c lo s e
,
pr i s on e r t o h e r ch am be r w h e r e afte r m an y d e adly s w oo n
, ,
i n gs w i th i n te rm i n gle d ou tc ri e s u po n t h e c r u e lty o f h e r
,
47 6 E LI AN A
w h i c h h ad su bdu e d th e s on , th a t sh e m i gh t no l o n ge r be a
o
c n cea e l d w i fe n o r a pr i n c e s s o n ly u n de r c o t e r b u t by a
,
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,
ac k n o w l e dg e d D u c h e s s o f Ly c i a I n a p o s t u r e o f h u mi l i ty .
,
s h e c o n f e ss e d h e r i gn o r an c e o f t h e d u k e s qu al i ty ; b u t
’
n o w sh e k n e w i t s h e b e s o u gh t h i s p ar do n f o r h er w i l d
,
s p e e ch e s w h i c h p r o c e e d e d s h e s ai d f r o m a d i s t e m pe r e d
-
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h e ad w h i c h t h e lo s s o f a d e ar h u s b an d h ad aff e c t e d
, He .
m i gh t c o m m an d h e r l i f e s h e to l d h i m w h i c h w as n o w o f , ,
s m all v al u e t o h e r Th e t e ar s w h i ch a c c om p an i e d h er
.
w o r d s a n d h e r m o u rn i n g w e e d s w h i c h f o r a bl i n d t o t h e
, ( ,
w o r ld s h e h ad n o t y e t c as t o fl ) h e i gh t e n i n g h e r b e au ty
, , ,
gav e a c r e d e n c e t o h e r p r o te s tati on s o f h e r i n n o c e n c e B u t ,
.
t h e d u k e c on ti n u i n g t o as s ai l h e r w i th r e p r o ac h e s w i th a
'
m atc h l e ss c o n fid e n c e as s u m i n g t h e ai r o f i n j u r e d v i r tu e i n
, ,
a s o m e w h at l o f ty to n e s h e r e pl i e d t h a t th o u gh h e w e r e h e r ,
s o v e r e i gn to w h o m i n an y l aw fu l c au s e s h e w as bo u n d to
-
su bm it y e t,
i f h e s ou gh t to tak e a w ay h e r h o n o u r
, s h e ,
s tood u p to d efy h i m Th at s h e sai d w as a j e w e l d e ar e r

.
, ,
th an an y h e c o u ld gi v e h e r w h i c h s o lon g as s h e sh o u ld , ,
ke e p sh e s h ou ld e s te e m h e r s e l f ri ch e r th an al l t h e p r i n c e s
,
o f t h e e ar th th at w e r e w i th o u t i t I f t h e pr i n c e h i s s o n .
, ,
kn e w an yth i n g to h e r di sh o n ou r l e t h i m t e ll i t An d h er e , .
s h e c h al l e n g e d L e u c i pp u s b e f o r e h i s f ath er t o s p eak t h e
w or s t of h er I f h e w o u ld h o w e v e r s ac r i fi ce a w om an s
’
.
, ,
c h ar ac te r to pl e as e an u n j u s t h u m o u r o f t h e d u k e s s h e
’
,
s aw n o r e m e dy s h e s ai d n ow h e w as d e ad ( m e an i n g h e r
, ,
late h u s b an d) th at w i th h i s l i fe w ou ld h av e d efe n d e d h e r
r e p u t at i o n .
T h u s app e al e d to Leu c i ppu s w h o h ad s tood a w h i l e

, ,
as ton i sh e d at h e r c o n fid e n t f al s eh o o d s th o u gh i gn o r an t o f ,
th e f u ll d r i f t o f th e m c o n s i d e r i n g th a t n o t t h e r e p u tat i on
,
on ly b u t p r ob ably t h e li fe o f a w o m an w h om h e h ad s o
, ,
lov e d an d w h o h ad m ad e s u ch s ac r i fic es t o h i m o f l o ve
,
an d b e au ty d e p e n de d u pon h i s abs ol u t e c on ce al m e n t o f
, .
t h e i r c on t r ac t f r am e d h i s m o u th to a c o m p as s i o n ate u n
,
tr u th an d w i th s o l e m n as s e v e r at i on s c o n fi r m e d t o h i s
,
f a th e r h er as s u r an c e s o f h e r i n n o c e n c e He d en i e d n o t
'
th at w i th r i c h g if ts h e h ad as sai le d h e r v i r tu e b u t h ad ,
C U PI D S R E VEN G E
’
47 7
foun d h e r ,
l ntl ess to h i s s ol i c i tati on s ; th at gold n o r
re e
‘
g r e atn e s s h ad an y pow e r o v e r h e r N ay so far h e w e n t .

,
o n t o gi v e f o r c e to t h e p r ot e s t at i on s o f th i s ar tf u l w om an
, ,
th a t h e c onf e s s e d to h av i n g o ff e r e d m ar r i age to h er w h i c h ,
sh e ,wh o s ee m e d to l i s te n to an y s e c o n d w e dlo c k h ad ,
rej e c te d .
Al l th i s w h i le L eu c i ppu s s e c r e tly p r ay e d to H eav e n t o

,
fo r gi v e h i m w h i l e h e u tte r e d th e s e b o ld u n t ru th s ; s i n c e i t
w as f o r t h e p r e ve n ti on o f a g r e at e r m i s c h i e f o n l y an d h ad ,
n o m al i ce i n i t .
B u t w arn e d by th e s ad s e qu e l w h i c h e n s u ed b e th o u
, ,
c ar e f u l y o u n g r e ad e r h o w i n an y c as e y o u t e l l a l i e
, , Li e .
n o t i f an y m an b u t ask y o u h o w y ou do w h at
“ “
,
or ,
”
o c lo c k i t i s
’
B e s u r e y o u m ake n o fal s e e x c u s e t o s c r e e n
.
a f r i e n d th at i s m o s t d e ar to y o u N ev e r l e t t h e m o s t .
w e ll i n ten d e d fal seh ood e s c ap e yo u r l i p s ; fo r H eav e n ,
w h i c h i s e n ti r e ly Tru th w i ll m ak e t h e s e e d w h i c h y o u ,
h ave s o w n o f u n tru th to y i e ld m i s er i e s a th o u san d f o l d -
u po n you r s as i t did u p on t h e h e ad o f t h e i l l fat e d an d

,
-
m i s take n L eu c i ppu s .
L e o n ti u s fi n di n g t h e ass u r an c e s o f B ac h a s o c on fid e n tl y
,
s e c on d e d b y h i s s o n c ou ld n o l o n ge r w i th h old h i s b e l i e f ;
,
an d o n ly f o r b i dd i n g th e i r m e e ti n g fo r t h e f u t u r e took a
, ,
c ou r te ou s l e av e o f t h e l a dy p r e s e n t i n g h e r at t h e s am e ,
'
ti m e w i th a valu abl e r i n g i n r e c o m p e n s e as h e s aid o f t h e , , ,
i nj u s ti c e w h i c h h e h ad d on e h e r i n h i s f al s e s u r m i s e s o f
h e r gu i lti n e ss I n tru th t h e s u r p ass i n g b e au ty o f t h e
.
,
l ady w i th h e r appe ar i n g m o d e s ty h ad m ad e n o l es s i m p r e s
, ,
s i on u p o n t h e h e a r t o f t h e f o n d o l d d u k e th an th e y h ad
aw ak e n ed i n t h e bo s o m o f h i s m o r e p ar d o n abl e s o n Hi s .
fir s t d e si gn w as to m ake h e r h i s m i s t r e ss ; to t h e b e tte r
a c c om pl i s h i n g o f w h i c h Le u c i pp u s w as d i s m i s s e d f r o m t h e
,
c o u r t u n d e r t h e p r e t e xt o f s om e h o n o u r abl e e m ploy m e n t
,
ab r o ad I n h i s ab s e n c e L e o n t i u s s par e d n o o ff e r s to i n
.
,
d u c e h e r to c o m ply w i th h i s p u r p o s e C o n ti n u ally h e .
s ol i c i te d h e r w i th r i c h o ff e r s w i t h m e s s ag e s an d b y p e r , ,
‘
s on al v i s i t s It w as a r i d i c u l o u s s i gh t i f i t w e r e n o t r ath e r
. ,
a s ad o n e to b e h ol d th i s s e c o n d an d w o r s t dotage w h i c h
, ,
by C u p i d s w r ath h ad fall e n u p on th i s fan tas ti cal ol d n ew

’
~
47 8 E LI A N A
lo ver . A l l h is p ati o n n o w w as i n d r e s s i n g an d p rank
oc cu
i n g h i m s elf u p i n you th fu l att i r e to pl eas e t h e e y e s o f h i s

n e w m i s tr e s s Hi s m o r n i n gs w e r e e m ploye d i n t h e d e
.
v i s i n g o f tr i m fas h i o n s i n t h e c o m pan y o f t ai l o r s e m
, ,
‘
br oi d e r e r s an d fe ath e r d r e ss er s So i n fatu ate d w as h e

,
-
.
'
w i th t h e s e v an i ti e s th at w h e n a s e r van t c am e an d told
h i m th at h i s d au g h t e r w as d e ad —
, ,
e v e n s h e w h o m h e h ad
'
—
,
b t a e
u l t ly s o h i g h ly p r i z e d t h e w o r d s s e e m e d s poke n t o a
d e af p e rs o n He e i t h e r c o u ld n o t o r w o u ld n o t u n d ers tan d
'
.
th e m ; b u t l i ke o n e s e n s e l e s s f e ll to babbli n g abou t th e
, ,
s h ap e o f a n e w h o s e an d d o u bl e t Hi s c r u t c h t h e f ai th f u l
'
.
,
p r op o f lon g age d ye ar s w as di s car d e d ; an d h e r e s u m e d ,
t h e yo u th fu l f as h i on o f a s w o r d by h i s s i d e w h e n h i s ye ar s ,
w an te d s tr e n gth to h av e d r aw n i t I n th i s c o n d i t i o n o f .
fo lly i t w as n o d i fficu lt task fo r t h e w i do w by aff e c te d

, ,
p r e te n ce s o f h on ou r an d ar ts o f amo r ou s d e n i al to d r aw l n
, ,
th i s doti n g d u ke t o t h at w h i c h s h e h ad al l alon g aime d at

—
.
' '
t h e o ff e r o f h i s c r o w n i n m ar r i ag e Sh e w as n o w D u c h ess .
o f L y ci a ! I n h e r n e w : e l e v at i on ; t h e mas k w as qu i ckly »
th r o w n as i d e an d t h e i m pi ou s Bach a appear e d i n h er tru e

,
u a l i t i e s S h e h ad ne v e r lov e d t h e d u k e h e r h u s b an d ;
q . .
,
b u t h ad u se d h i m as t h e i n s tr u m e n t o f h e r g re atn e s s .
Taki n g advan tage o f h i s am or ous fo lly w h i ch s e e m e d to ,

"
gai n g r o w th t h e n e ar e r h e app r oac h e d to h i s g r av e s h e ,
took u p o n h e r t h e w h ol e r u le o f Lyci a ; pl aci n g an d d i s '
plac i n g at h er w i ll al l t h e gr e at offic er s o f s tate an d fi l l

, ,
i n g t h e c o u r t w i th c r e atu r e s o f h e r o w n t h e age n ts o f h e r ,
gu i lty pl e as u r e s s h e r e m o ve d f r o m t h e du ke s p er son t h e
,
’
'
old e s t an d tr u s t ie s t o f h i s d e pen dan t s .
L e u c i pp u s w h o at th i s j u n c tu r e w as r e tu rn e d f r o m h i s
,
.
f e g
o r i n m i s s i o n w a s m e t at
,
o n c e w i t h t h e n e w "
s of h is
s i s te r s d e ath an d t h e s t r an g e w e dlo c k o f t h e o l d d u k e
’
To .
t h e m e m o r y o f Hi d as p e s h e gav e s o m e te ar s ; b u t th e se .
'
w e r e s w i f tly s w all o w e d u p i n h i s h o r r o r an d d e te s tati o n o f
‘
t h e c o n d u c t o f Ba c h a I n h i s fi r s t fu r y h e r e s ol v e d u p o n
.
,
a f u l l d i s c lo s u r e o f al l t h a t h ad p as s e d b e t w e e n h i m a n d
h i s w i c k e d s te p m o th e r Agai n h e th o u gh t by k i ll in g
-
.
, ,
Ba c h a to r i d th e wo r l d o f a m o n s te r
,
B u t t e n d e rn e ss f o r .
h i s fath e r r e call e d h i m t o m i lde r c o u nse l s Th e f atal .

”
4 80 E LI AN A
th e tr u th ) am on g th e Ly c i an s t o i n sti l su btl e fe ar s i nto th e ,
d u ke th at h i s s o n h ad l ai d plo ts fo r c i r c um v e n ti n g h is l i fe
an d th r o n e By the s e ar ts s h e w as w o r ki n g u po n th e w e ak
.
m i n d o f t h e d u k e a l m o s t to d i s t r ac ti on w h e n at a m ee ti n g , ,
c o n c o c te d by h e r s e l f b e tw e e n t h e p r i n c e an d h i s f ath e r t h e ,
l atte r tak i n g Le u c i pp u s s o u n dly to tas k f o r th e s e all e g e d

tr e as on s t h e p r i n c e r e pl i e d only by h u m bl y dr aw in g h i s
,
s w o r d w i th t h e i n te n t i o n o f l ay i n g i t a t h i s fath e r s f e e t ;
’
,
an d b e gg i n g h i m s i n c e h e su s p e c te d h i m to s h eath e i t i n
, ,
h i s o w n bo s om f o r o f h i s l i f e h e h ad b e e n lon g w e ar y
, , .
B ach a e n te r e d at t h e c r i si s an d e r e Le u c i ppu s c ou ld fin i s h
, ,
h i s su b m i s si on w i th lou d ou t c r i e s a l ar m e d th e c ou r ti e r s
, ,
w h o r u s h i ng i n to t h e p r e s e n c e f o u n d t h e p r i n c e w i th
, ,
s w o r d i n h an d i n d e e d b u t w i th f ar ot h er i n te n t i on s th an
,
th i s b ad w o m an i m pu te d to h i m pl ai n ly ac c u s i n g h i m o f ,
h av i n g d r aw n i t u po n h i s fath e r ! L e u c i pp u s w as qu i c kly
di s arm e d ; an d t h e old du ke tr e m bl i n g b e tw e en fe ar an d ,
age c o m m i tte d h i m to c lo s e p r i s o n f r o m w h i c h by B ac ha s
’
, , ,
ai m s h e n e v e r s h ou ld h av e c em e o u t al i v e b u t fo r t h e
,
.
i n t e r f e r e n c e o f t h e c o mm o n p e opl e w h o l ov i n g th e i r , ,
p r i n ce an d e qu ally d e tes tin g B ac h a i n a s i m u ltan e ou s

, ,
m u ti n y ar o s e an d r e s c u e d h i m f r o m t h e h an ds o f th e
,
offi c e r s .
T h e c ou r t w as n o w n o lon ge r a pl ac e o f l i v i n g f o r L e u c i p
u s ; an d h as ti ly th an k i n g h i s c o u n t r y m e n fo r h i s d e l i v e r
p ,
an c e w h i c h i n h i s h e ar t h e r ath e r d e p r ec ate d th an w e l c o m e d
, ,
as o n e th at w i s h e d f o r d e a th h e t o ok l e av e o f al l c o u r t h op e s
, ,
a n d ab ando n i n g t h e p al ac e b e
,
took h i m s elf to a l ife o f p e n i
,
te n ce i n s ol i tu de s .
N o t s o s e cr e tly d i d h e s e l e c t h i s pl ace o f p e n an ce i n a ,
c av e am o n g lo n e ly w oods an d f as tn e s s e s b u t th at h i s
‘
r e tr eat w as t rac e d by Bach a w h o bath e d i n h e r p u r , ,
o s e r ag i n g l i k e s o m e s h e w o l f d e s p at c h e d an e m i ss ar y o f
p
-
, ,
h er o w n t o d e s tr oy h i m p r i va t e ly . .
Th er e w as r e si di n g at t h e c ou r t o f Ly c i a at thi s ti m e a , ,
y o u n g m a i d en t h e d au gh t e r o f B ac h a by h e r fi r s t h u s b an d
, ,
w h o h ad h i the r to b e e n b r o u gh t u p i n t h e ob s c u r i ty o f a
poor cou n tr y abod e w i th an u nc l e b u t w h om Bach a n o w ,
p u bl ic ly o wne d an d h ad pr e vai l e d u p on th e eas y du ke t o

,
CUPID S R E VEN G E
’
4 8 1
ad op t as s u cc ess r o t o t h e t h r one i n w r o n g of th e t r u e he i r ,
hi s su s pec te d s on Le u ci ppu s .
Th i s you n g c r eatu r e Ur ani a by nam e w as as ar tl e ss an d

, ,
harm l ess as h e r m oth e r w as cr aft y an d w i c ke d To th e u n .
natu r al Bach a sh e h ad b ee n an obj e c t o f negle c t an d av er

s i o n ; an d fo r t h e p r oj e c t o f s u p p l an t i n g L e u c i pp u s o n ly
h ad sh e fe tch e d h e r o u t o f r e ti r e m e n t Th e br i n g i n g u p o f .
-
U r ani a h ad b e e n am on g c ou n tr y b i n d s an d l as se s : to te n d
h e r fl oc ks o r su p er i nte n d h e r n e at d ai r y h ad b e en t h e e xte n t
o f h e r b r e e di n g Fr om h e r calli n g s h e h ad c o n trac te d a
.
,
p r e tty ru s ti c i ty o f d i al ec t w h i ch am on g t h e fi n e f olks o f
, ,
t h e c o u r t p as s e d fo r s i m pli c i ty an d fo lly
, Sh e w as t h e u n .
fi tte s t i n s tr u m e n t f o r an am bi t i ou s d e s i gn th a t c o u ld b e
c h o se n ; fo r h e r m an n e r s i n a p al ace h ad a ti n g e s t i ll o f h e r
o l d oc cu p ati o n ; an d t o h e r m i n d t h e lo w ly s h e ph e r d es s s
’
, ,
l ife w as b e s t .
S i m p l i c i ty i s o ft a m atc h fo r p ru d e n ce : an d Ur ani a w as
n ot so s i m pl e b u t sh e u n d e r s tood t h at sh e h ad be e n s en t fo r
to c ou r t o n ly i n t h e pr i n c e s w r on g ; an d i n h e r h ear t s h e
’
w as d e t er mi n e d t o d e f e at an y d e s i gn s th at m i gh t b e c o n t r i v
i n g agai n s t h er br oth e r i h l aw Th e m e l an c h oly b ear i n g o f
- -
.
L e u c i p pu s h ad tou ch e d h e r w i th p i ty Th i s w r ou gh t i n h e r .
a ki n d o f lov e w h i c h fo r i ts obj e c t h ad n o f u r th e r e n d th an
, , ,
th e w e ll b e i n g o f t h e b e lov e d
-
Sh e looke d fo r n o r e tu r n o f
.
i t n o r d i d t h e po s s i b i l i ty of s u c h a bl e s s i n g i n t h e r e m o t e s t
—
,
w ay c c o u r to h e r s e v as t a d i s tan c e s h e h ad i m ag e d b e
,
tw e en h e r lo w ly b ri n gi n g u p an d t h e c ou r tly b r e e di n g an d
-
i ac e s o f Le u c i p p us H e r s w as n o r ag i n g fl am e s u c h as
g .
,
h ad b ur n e d d e s tru c ti v e i n t h e b o s o m o f p o or H i das p e s .
E i th e r t h e v i n d i c t i v e g o d 1 n m e r c y h ad s p a1 e d th i s yo u n g
m ai d e n o r th e w r ath o f t h e c on f o u ndi n g Cup i d w as 1 e
,
s tr ai n e d by a h i gh e r Po w e r f r om d i s c h ar gi n g t h e m o s t
m al i n an t o f h i s ar r o w s ag ai n s t th e p e ace o f s o m u c h 1nn e
g
Of t h e e xt e n t o f h e r m oth e r s m al i ce s h e w as t o o
’
c e n ce .
u i le l e s s t o h av e e n t e r t ai n e d c o n j e c t u r e ; b u t f r o m h i n t s
g
a n d w h i s p er s a n d abov e al l f r o m t h a t t e n d e r
, ,
w at c h f u l
,
n e s s w i th w h i ch a t r u e aff e c t i on l i ke U r an i a s t e n d s t h e ’
s afe ty of its o bj ec t — f e ar i n g e v e n w h e r e n o c au s e f o r fe ar
,
s u b s is t s , s h e g ath e r e d t h a t s o me d a n g e r w as i m p e n d i n g
-
_
4 82 E LI AN A
ove r t h e p 1 1n ce an d w i th s i m pl e h e r ois m r e s o lve d t o r
,
c o u n t e r m i n e t h e t 1 e as o n .
It ch an c e d u p on a da th at Leu ci pp u s h ad b e en i nd u l g
y
’ -
i n g h i s s ad m e d i tat i o n s 1n f or e s ts far f r om h u m an c o n v e r s e ,
w h e n h e w as s tr u c k w i th th e app e aran c e o f a h u m an b e i n g ,
s o u n u s u al i n th at s ol i t u d e Th e r e s tood b e for e h i m a .
s e e mm g you th o f d e l i cat e app e ar an c e

, c l ad i n c o ar s e an d , ,
”
p eas an tly atti r e He w as c o m e h e s ai d
. to se e k o u t , ,
t h e p r i n c e an d t o b e h i s p o o r b o y an d s er v an t if h e w o u l d
, ,
” ”
l et h im A l as ! poo r y o u th
. r e pl i e d Le u c i pp u s why ,
do y o u follo w m e w h o am as poor as y o u ar e , I n good

l
fai th w a s h i s p r e tty an s w e r
”
,
I sh all b e w ell an d r i c h ,
e n o u g h i f y o u w i ll b u t lov e m e
,
An d s ay i n g s o h e w e pt .
.
, ,
.
Th e p r i n c e a d m i r i n g th i s s t ran g e attac h m e n t i n a boy w as

, ,
m o v e d w i th c o m p as s i o n ; an d s e e i n g h i m e xh aus t e d as i f ,
w i th lo n g tr av e l an d h u n g e r i n v i te d h i m i n to hi s p oor ,
h ab i tati o n s e tti n g s u ch r e f r e s h m e n ts b ef or e h i m as th at
, .
bar r en s pot afi o r d e d B u t by n o e n tr e ati e s c o u ld h e b e

.
p r e vai l e d u pon to take an y s u s ten an c e ; an d al l t h at day ,
an d f o r t h e t w o f ollow i n g h e s e e m e d s u ppor te d o n ly by ,
s o m e g e n tl e fl am e o f lov e th at w as w i th i n h i m H e fe d .
o n ly u pon th e s w e e t lo o ks an d c ou r te ou s e n te r ta inm en t
w h i ch h e r e c ei v e d fr o m L e u c i pp u s S e e m i n gly h e w i sh e d .
,
t o d i e u n de r t h e lov i n g e y e s o f h i s m as te r I can n ot eat .

w
,
h e p r e tt i ly sai d ; b u t I s h a ll e at t o m o r r o w Y o u w i ll -
.
”
b e d e ad by th at ti m e r e pl i e d L e u c i pp u s
, I s h all b e w e ll .
“
,
th e n s ai d h e ; s i n c e y o u w i ll n o t l o v e m e
,
”
Th e n th e .
”
pr i n ce aski n g h i m w h y h e s i gh e d s o To th i nk w as h i s , ,
i n n oc en t th at s u ch a fi n e m an as you s h ou l d di e
—
,
an d n o gay l ady lov e h i m f B u t y o u w i ll l o v e m e s ai d

‘
.
,
”
L e u c i pp u s Y e s s u r e s ai d h e
.
,
ti ll I di e ; an d w h e n I
, , ,
am i n h e av e n I s h all w i sh f o 1 y o u T h i s i s a love “
.
, ,
th ou gh t th e oth e r that I n e ve r y e t h e ar d te ll of B ut .
c om e ,th o u ar t s l e epy ch i ld : go i n an d I w i ll s i t w i th
, ,
”
th e e . T h en fr o m s o m e w or d s w h i c h t h e poo r yo u th
,
d r opp e d Le u c i p p u s su s p e c ti n g th at h i s w i ts w e r e be g i n
—I am n ot
, ,
n i n g to r am bl e s ai d W h at por ten d s th i s
, ,
“
sle e py ” s ai d t h e y o u th ;
,
b u t y o u ar e sad I w ou ld th at .
I c ou ld do an yth i n g to mak e y o u m er r y ! S h all I s i n g

4 84 E LI A N A
ni m ; an d , t a s e c on d s t r oke s tabbi ng h e r sel f e n ded
wi h ,
b o t h th e i r w r e t c h e d l i v e s .
No w w as t h e t r ag e dy o f C u p i d s w r ath aw fu lly c o m
’
l e t e d ; an d t h e r ac e o f L e o n t i u s fai l i n g i n t h e d e ath s o f
p ,
b o th h i s c h i ld r e n t h e c hr o n i c le r e l ate s th at u n d e r th e i r
, ,
n e w d u ke I s m e n u s t h e o ff e n c e t o t h e an gr y Po w e r w as
, ,
e xp i at e d ; h i s s t atu e s an d a lt ar s w e r e w i th m o r e m a n i fi
g ,
c e n c e th an e v e r r e e d ifi e d ; an d h e c e as e d th e n c e f o r th f r o m
,
-
plag u i n g t h e l an d .
T h u s far th e p agan h i s tor i an s r e l ate e r r i n g B u t fr o m .
th 1s v a1n i d o l s to r y a n o t u n p r ofitabl e m o r al m ay b e
ga th e r e d agai n s t th e ab u s e o f t h e n atu r al b u t dan ger ou s
p as s i o n o
f l o ve I n t h
. e s t o r y o f H i d as e s w e s e e th e
p p r e ,
o s te r o u s l i n ki n g o f b e au ty w i th d e f o rm i ty ; o f p r i n c e ly
p
e xp e c t an c i e s w i t h m e an an d l o w c o n d i ti o n s i n t h e c as e o f ,
t h e p r i n c e h e r b r oth e r ; an d o f d e cr e p i t age w i th yo u th
, .
,
i n t h e i l l e n d o f th e i r d oti n g f ath e r Le on t i u s By th e ir ,
.
e x am pl e s w e a r e w ar n e d to d e c l i ne al l une qu al a nd ill
ass or te d uni o ns .
TH E DE FEAT O F T I ME ;
OR, A T A LE OF T HE FAI RI ES .
ITANI A an d h e r m oon l i gh t e lve s w e r e ass e m ble d u n de r

t h e c an opy o f a h u g e o ak t h at s er v e d to s h e lte r th e m
,
fr om t h e m oon s r a d i an c e w h i c h b e i n g n e w at h e r f u ll
’
m oon s h ot f o r th i n tol e r abl e r ay s —

, ,
, i n tol e r abl e I m e an to
, , ,
t h e s u bt i l e t extu r e o f th e i r l i ttl e s h ado w y bod i e s b u t d is ,

-
en sin an ag r e e abl e c o ol n e s s to u s g r o ss e r m or tal s A n

p g .
ai r o f di s c o m for t s ate u pon t h e qu e e n an d u pon h e r

c o u r ti e r s .Th e i r ti n y fr i s ki n gs an d gam bols w e r e f o r ge t ;
an d e v e n R ob i n (l o o d fe l l o w f o r t h e fi r s t ti m e i n h i s l i ttl e
,
ai r y l i f e l o o k e d g r a v e
, F o r th e q u e e n h ad h ad m e lan c h oly
.
fo r e bo di n gs o f l at e f o u n d e d u po n an an c i e n t p r o p h e c y l ai d
,
u i n t h e r e c o r d s o f F a i r y l an d t h at t h e d ate o f fai r y
p ,
e xi s te n ce s h o u l d b e t hen e xt i n c t w h e n m e n s h o u ld ce as e
T HE D E FE AT o r TI M E 485
to b e l i e v e i n th e m An d s h e k n e w h o w th at t h e r ace o f
.
t h e Ny m p h s w h i ch w e r e h e r p r e d e c e s s o r s an d h ad b e e n
, ,
t h e g u ar d i an s o f t h e s ac r e d fl o od s an d o f t h e s i lv e r f o un ,
tai n s a n d o f t h e c o n s e c r at e d h i ll s an d w ood s h ad u tt e r l
, y ,
d i s app e ar e d b e f o r e t h e c h i ll i n g to u c h o f m an s 1 n c r e d u l i t y
’
d s h e s i gh e d b itte r ly at t h e app r o ac h i n g fat e o f h e r s e lf an d

o f h e r s u bj e c t s w h i c h w as d e p e n d en t u p on s o fi c kl e a l e a s e
as t h e c a p r i c i o u s an d e v e r —
,
m u t abl e fai th o f m an Wh e n as .
,
if to r e al i s e h e r f e ar s a m e l an c h oly s h ap e c am e gl i d i n g i n
an d tha t w a s —
, ,
T i m e w h o w i th h i s i n tole r abl e s c yth e m ow s

,
do w n ki n g s an d ki n gdo m s ; a t wh os e dr ead appr o ach t h e

fay s h u d d l e d t og e th e r as a fl o c k o f ti m o r o u s s h e e p an d t h e
m o s t c ou r age o u s am o n g th e m c r e pt i n to ac o r n c u p s n o t -
e n d u r i n g t h e s i g h t o f t h a t an c i e n te s t o f m o n ar ch s T i tan i a s ’
.
fi r s t i m pu ls e w as to w i sh th e p r e s e n c e o f h e r f al s e l o r d
—
,
Ki g O b e o n w h o w as far aw ay i n t h e pu r s u i t o f a
n r
—
, ,
s tr an ge b e au ty a fa o f I n d i an L an d t h a t w i t h h i go d
y , s o ,
l an c e an d s w o r d l i ke a faith fu l kn i gh t an d h u s ban d h e
,
,
m i g h t d e f e n d h e r ag a i n s t T i m e B u t s h e s oo n c h e c k e d
.
th at th ou gh t as v ai n ; fo r w h a t c o u ld t h e p r o w e s s o f t h e '
m i gh ty O be r o n h i m s e l f alb e i t t h e s to u t e s t c h am p i o n i n
,
,
F ai r ylan d h av e av ai l e d agai n s t s o h u ge a g i an t w h o s e
, ,
b al d top to u c h e d t h e s k i e s ? S o i n th e m i ld e s t t o n e s h e
, ,
b e s ou gh t t h e s p e c tr e th a t i n h i s m e r c y h e w o u ld o v e r look
,
an d p as s by h e r s m all s u bj e c t s as t o o di m i n u ti v e and
,
po w e r l e s s to ad d an y w o r th y tr op h y t o h i s r e n o w n An d .
s h e b e s o u gh t h i m t o e m ploy h i s r e s i s t l e s s s tr e n gt h agai n s t
t h e am b i t i o u s c h i l d r e n o f m e n an d to l ay w as te th e i r as p i r
,
i n g w o r k s ; t o tu m b l e do w n th e i r t o w e r s a n d tu r r e ts an d
t h e B ab e l s o f th e i r p 1i d e —fi t obj e c ts o f h i s d e v o u r i n g
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s c yth e —
,
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b u t t o s pa r e h e r an d h e r h ar m l e s s r ac e w h o h ad
~
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n o e xi s te n ce b e yo n d a d r e am ; f r a i l obj e c t s o f a c r e e d t h at
l i v e d b u t i n th e fai th o f t h e b e li e v e r" An d w i th h e r l i tt l e .
ar m s as w e ll a s s h e c o u ld s h e g r as p e d t h e s t e r n k n e e s o f
, ,
T i m e ; an d w ax i n g s p e e c h l e s s w i th fear s h e be ckon e d t o
, ,
h e r c h i ef a tt e n d an ts an d m ai d s o f h o n o u r to c o m e f o r th
f r o m t h e i r h i d i n g plac e s an d to p l ea d t h e p l e a o f t h e
I
-
fai r i e s. An d o n e o f th o se s m all d e l i c at e c r e atu r e s cam e ,
fo r th a t h e r b i dd i n g c l ad al l i n w h i te l i k e a c h o r i s te r and
, ,
4 86 E LI A N A
in l o w , m e lod i ou s to n e n o t lou d e r th an t h e h u m o f a
—
a ,
p r e tty b e e , w h e n i t s e e m s t o b e d e m u r r i n g w h e th er i t sh al l
—
,
s e ttl e u p o n t h i s s w e e t fl o w e r o r t h at b e f o r e i t s e ttl e s , s et ‘
f o r th h e r h u m bl e p e ti ti on We fai r i e s s h e s ai d , ar e
”
.
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,
t h e m o s t i n o ffe n s i v e r ace th at l i v e , an d l e a s t d e s e r v i n g to
p e r i s h It i s w e th at h av e t h e c ar e o f al l s w e e t m e lod i e s ,
.
th at n o di s c o r d s m ay o ffe n d t h e s u n , w h o i s t h e g r e at s o u l
o f m u sic We r e u s e t h e l ar k at m o m ; an d t h e p r e tty
.
E ch o e s ,
w h i chpon d to al l t h e t w i tt e r i n g ch oi r ar e o f
r es ,
o u r m ak i n g Wh e r e fo r e gr e at Ki n g o f Ye ar s as e v e r y o u
’
.
, ,
h av e l o ve d t h e m u s i c w h i c h i s r ai n i n g fr o m a m or n i n g
c lo u d s e n t f r o m t h e m e s sen g e r o f d ay t h e l ar k as h e , ,
m o u n ts to h e av e n s gate b e yo n d th e k e n o f m or t al s ; o r i f
’
e ve r ou h a v e l i s t e n e d w i t h a c h ar m e d e ar to t h e m gh t
y
bi r d th at 4
,
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I n t h fl we y p ri g e o r s n ,
Ami dst t h e l eave e t m k t h e t h ihk ets i g

s s , a es r n
O f h er s s o ws s wee ten e d wi th h er so n g
ou r orr ,
s par e o u r t e n d e r tr i b es an d w e w i ll m u ffle u p t h e sh ee p
,
b ell fo r th e e th at t h y ple as u r e take n o i n te r r u p ti on w h en

,
”
e v e r th ou s h alt l i s te n u n to Ph i lo m e l .
A n d T i m e an s w e r e d t h a t h e h ad h ear d th at s o n g t o o
’
lon g ; an d h e w as e v e n w e ar i e d w i th th at an c i e n t s tr ai n
th at r e c or d e d t h e w r o n g o f T e r e u s B u t i f sh e w o u l d .
,
k n o w i n w h at m u si c T i m e d eli gh te d i t w as w h e n s l e e p , ,
an d d ar kn e s s l a u po n c r o w d e d c i t i e s t o h ar k t o t h e m i d
y ,
n i gh t c h i m e w h i c h i s toll i n g f r o m a h u n d r e d c lo c k s li ke ,
t h e las t kn e ll o v e r t h e s o u l o f a d e ad w o r ld ; o r to t h e
c r u s h o f t h e f al l o f s o m e a e w o r n e d i fi c e w h i c h i s as t h e
g
-
,
”
voi ce o f h i m s e l f w h e n h e d i s p ar t e th ki n gdom s .
A s e c o n d f e m al e f ay t o ok u p t h e pl ea an d s ai d We b e '
'
, ,
t h e h an dm ai d s o f t h e Spr i n g an d t e n d u po n t h e b i r t h o f all
,
s w ee t b u d s : an d t h e p as to r al c o w s l i p s ar e o u r f ri e n d s an d
t h e p an s i e s an d t h e v i ol e ts l i k e n u n s ; an d t h e qu ak i n g
,
har ebell i s i n o u r w ar d sh i p : an d t h e h yaci n th on c e a f ai r ,
you th an d d e ar to P h oe bu s
, .
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,
l e s s gr ou n d w i th h i s h u r tf ul s cy th e th at th ey m u s t n o t ,
4 88 E LI A N A
S atu r n , n oth in g th i s c o u r te ou s add r e s s bade
m ov e d w i th ,
h i m b e ge n e o r i f h e w o u ld b e a w ood m an t o go for th
, ,
“
,
an d f e ll o ak f o r t h e fai r i e s c offi n s w h i c h w o u ld f o r th w i th
’
b e w an ti n g F o r h i m s e l f h e took n o d e l i gh t i n h au n t i ng
.
,
t h e w ood s t i ll th e i r g o ld e n pl u m ag e (t h e ye ll o w l e av e s )
,
We r e b egi n n i n g to f all an d l e av e t h e br ow n bl ac k l i m bs ,
-
”
bar e l i ke N atu r e i n h e r s ke le ton dr ess
,
.
Th en s to o d u p o n e o f th o se ge n tl e fai r i e s th at ar e good to
m an an d bl u s h e d r e d as an y r o s e w h i l e h e told a m od e s t
,
s to r y o f o n e o f h i s o w n go o d d e e d s It ch an c e d u pon a “
.
ti m e h e s ai d th at w h i l e w e w e r e l o oki n g co w s l i ps 111
,
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,
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t h e m e ad s w h i l e y e t t h e d e w w as h an g in g o n t h e b u d s
,
l i ke b eads w e fo u n d a babe l ef t i n i t s s w ath i n g c loth e s

,
-
a l i ttl e s o r r o w fu l d e s e r te d th i n g b e ge t o f lov e
,
b u t be g e t , ,
t in g n o love i n oth e r s ; gu i ltl e s s o f s h am e b u t doom e d to ,
s h am e f o r i t s p ar e n t s o ff e n c e i n b r i n gi n g i t by i n d i r e c t
’
c o u r se s i n to t h e w o r ld It w as p i ty to s e e th e ab an don e d
.
li ttl e or ph an l ef t to t h e w or ld s c ar e b y an u n n atu r al
.
’
m oth e r .H o w t h e c ol d d e w ke p t w e tti n g i ts ch i ld i sh
c o ats ! an d i t s l i t tl e h ai r h o w i t w as b e dabbl e d th at was
'
, ,
li ke go s sam e r ! I ts pou ti n g m ou th u n kn o w i n g h ow t o ,
s p ea k l ay h al f op e n e d l i ke a r o s e l i pp e d s h e ll ; an d i t s
,
-
ch e e k w as s o f te r th an an y p e ach u pon w h i c h t h e t e ar s , ,
f o r v e r y r ou n dn e s s c o u ld n ot lon g d w e ll b u t f e ll o ff i n
—
, , ,
c l e ar n e s s l ke p e
i a r l s s om e o n t h e g r as s an d s om e o n h i s
, ,
li ttl e h an d an d s om e h aply w an d er e d to t h e l i ttl e d im pl e d

w e ll u n d e r h i s m o n t h w h i c h L o v e h i m s e l f s e e m e d to h av e
,
pl an n e d o u t b u t l e s s fo r tear s th an f o r s m i lin gs P i ty i t
, .
w as too to s e e h o w t h e bu r n i n g s u n h ad s c or c h e d i t s h e l p
, ,
l es s l i m bs ; f o r i t l ayw i th o u t sh ade 01 s h e lte r o r m o th e r s ,

’
br eas t f o r fou l w e athe r o r fai r S o h av in g c om p as s i on o n

,
.
,
i t s s ad pl i gh t m y f e ll ow s an d I tu r n e d o u r s e lv e s i n to g r as s
,
h opp r s an d s w ar m e d abou t t h e b ab e m ak i ng s u c h s h r i ll
e
, ,
c r i e s as th at p r e tty l i ttl e c h i r p i n g c r eatu r e m ak e s i n i t s
m i r th til l w i th o u r n o i s e w e attr ac te d t h e a tte n t i on o f a

pas s i n g r u s t i c a te n de r —
,
h e ar te d h i n d w h o w o n d e r i n g at
, ,
o u r s m all b u t lo u d co n c e l t s t r ay e d as i d e cu r i o u s ly an d , ,
f o u n d t h e b ab e w h e r e i t l ay i n t h e r e m ot e g r as s a n d
, , ,
tak i n g i t u p l ap p e d i t i n h is r us s e t c oat an d bor e i t t o h is

. .
,
T HE DE FE AT O F TI ME 4 8g
c ottage w h er e hi s w i fe ki n d ly n ur tu r e d i t ti ll i t g r e w u p
,
a goo d ly p e r s o n ag e H o w th i s bab e p r os p e r e d af te r w ar ds
.
,
.
l e t p r o u d L on do n te ll Th i s w as th at fam o u s Si r T h om as
Gr e s h am w h o was t h e c h i e fe s t o f h e r m e r ch an ts th e
, ,
r i ch e s t th e w i se s t
,
Wi tn e s s h i s m any goodly v e s s e ls o n
.
th e T h am e s fr e i gh t e d w i th c o s tl y m e r ch an d i s e j e w e l s
, ,
fr o m I n d an d p e ar l s fo r c ou r tly dam e s an d s i lks o f Sa

mar c an d An d w i tn es s m or e th an al l th at state ly Bou r s e
, ,
.
, ,
r E x ch an g e h i h h u s e d to b e b u i lt a m ar t f o r m e r
( o
) w c e c a ,
ch a n ts fr om eas t an d w e s t w h os e gr ac ef ul s um m i t s ti ll ,
be ar s m toke n o f th e fai r i e s favour s hi s c h os en c r es t th e

,
’
, ,
gr as s h opp er An d l ike t h e gr as sh opp e r m ay i t pleas e y o u

.
, , ,
gr e at k i n g to su ff e r u s al s o t o l i v e par taker s o f t h e gr ee n
, ,
”
ear th !
Th e f ai r y h ad s car ce en d e d h i s p lea w hen a sh r i ll c ry

— , ,
n ot nli ke t e gr ass opp e r s as h ea d Poo P k o r

h h w
’
R obin G oodfe llo w as h e i s s om e tim es c all e d—h ad r e c o

u r r u c , .
v er e d a l i ttl e f r o m h i s fir s t f1 1gh t an d i n o n e o f h i s m ad ,
f re ak s h ad p e r ch e d u p on t h e h e ar d o f o l d Ti m e w h i ch w as
, ,
fl ow i n g am pl e an d m aj es t 1c ; an d w as am u s i n g h im se lf
, ,
wi th plu c k i n g at a h ai r w h i c h w as i n d e e d s o m as s y th at i t
, ,
s e e m e d to h i m th a t h e w as r e m o v i n g s o m e h u g e b eam o f
ti m b e r r ath e r th an a h ai r w h i ch Ti m e by s om e i ll ch an ce
, .
p e r ce i vi n g s n atc h e d u p t h e i m p i sh m i s ch i e f w i th h i s gr eat
,
h an d an d ask e d w h at i t w as
, .
Ala s ! qu oth P u c k a l i ttl e r an do m e l f am I bo r n i n

, ,
o n e o f N a tu r e s s po r t s a v e r y w e e d c r eat e d f o r th e s i m pl e
’
, ,
s w ee t e n joy m e n t o f m y s e l f b u t f o r n o oth e r p u r p o s e w o r th
, , ,
o r n e ed th at ev e r I c ou ld l e ar n Ti s I th at b o b th e ’
, .
an gl er s i dl e c o r k ti ll t h e p ati e n t m an i s r e ady t o b r e athe a

’
,
curse . I s te al t h e m or s e l f r o m t h e gos s i p s f o r k o r s top ’

,
t h e s n e e z i n g c h an te r i n m i d p sal m ; an d w h en an i n fan t
h as b e e n bor n w i th h ar d o r h om e ly fe atu r e s m oth e r s s ay I ,
c h an g e d t h e c h il d a t n u r s e : b u t t o f u lfil an g r av e r ur
y p
pose I h ave n ot w i t e n ou gh an d har dly th e w i ll I am a , .
p in ch o f l i v e ly d u s t to fr i s k u pon t h e w i n d : a te ar w ou ld
m ake a p u ddle o f m e ; an d s o I t i c kl e m y s e lf w i th t h e
li gh te s t s traw an d s hu n al l gr i efs th at m i gh t m ake m e
,
s tagn an t Thi s i s m y s m all ph il os ophy ”

. .
4 90 E L I AN A
Th e n T i m e d r op pi ng h i m o nth e gr ou n d as a thi n g t oo ‘ '
, ,
'
in c on s i d e r abl e f o r h i s v e n g e an ce gras p e d fas t h i s m i gh ty
‘
no t Pu c k al o n e b u t t h e w
' '
s c yth e a nd n o w ,
h o l e s tate o f ,
fai r i e s h ad gon e t o i n e vi tabl e w re c k an d de s tr uc ti o n h ad

, ,
n o t a t i m e l y a pp ar i t i o n i n t e r po s e d at w h o s e bold n e ss T i m e ,
w as as tou n d e d ; for h e c am e n o t w i th t h e h abi t o r t h e f or ces

o f a d ei ty w h o alon e mi gh t c 0p e w i th T im e b u t as a s i m pl e
'
, ,
m o r tal c lad as y ou m i gh t s e e a f or e s te r th at h u n t s af te r
,
w i ld c o n i e s by t h e c old m oon s hi n e ; o r a s talke r of s t r ay

de e r s tealth y an d bold B u t by t h e gold e n lu s tr e i n h i s
,
.
e e an d t h e as s 1o n at e w an n e s s i n h i s c h e e k an d by t h e
‘
y , p ,
fai r an d am pl e s pac e o f h i s f or e h ead w hi ch s e e m e d a p alac e ,

'
f ram e d f 0 1 t h e h ab i tati on o f al l glo r i ou s th ou gh ts h e kn e w ,
th at th i s w as h i s gr e at r i v al w h o h ad p ow e r gi ve n h i m t o ,
r e s c u e w h at s oe v e r v i c ti m s T i m e s h o u ld c l u tc h ,an d to c a use
th e m t o li v e f o r e v e 1 i n h i s i m m o r tal v e r s e An d m u tte r .
,
i n g t h e n am e o f Sh ak sp e ar e Ti m e s p r e a d h isro c l i ke w i ng s ,
-
an d fl e d t he c o n tr olli n g p r ese n c e ; an d t h e l i b e r ated co ur t
o f t h e fai r i es w i t h T i tan i a at th ei r h e ad fl oc ke d ar ou n d t h e
, ,
ge n tl e gh o s t gi vi n g h i m th an ks n oddi n g to h i m an d doi ng
, , ,
'
'
h i m c o u r te s i e s w h o h ad c r o w n e d th e m h e n ce f or th w i th a
,
pe r m an e n t e xi s ten c e to l i ve l n th e m i n d s o f m e n w h i le v e r s e
, ,
s h all h av e po w e r t o c h ar m o r m i d s u m m e r m oon s s h all

‘
b r i gh t e n .
r
ae t
a s le
a
Wh at p ar ti cu lar e n d ear m e nts p ass e d b e t w ee n th e fai r i e s

an d th e i r po e t p as s e s m pe n c i l to d e l i n e a t e b ut i f
y , ; o
y u ,
ar e c ur i o u s to b e i n f o r m e d I m u s t r e f e r y o u g e n tl e r ead e r
, , ,
to t h e Ple a o f th e Mi d s u m m e r Fairi e s a m os t agr e eable ,
po em l ate ly p ut f01 th by m y fr i e n d T h o m as H ood ; o f t h e '
fir s t half o f w h i ch t h e abov e i s n oth i n g b u t a m eag r e an d
har sh pr os e abs tr ac t F ar ew e ll l .
The wor ds o f Mer c ury ar e har s h a f te r th e s ongs o

f Ap ol lo .
492 E LI A N A
r e fl e c ti o n Je m m y s ai d h e I do not k no w w h at y o u
, ,
fi n d i n th e s e v e r y o l d book s b u t I ,o b s er v e th e r e i s a d e al
,
”
o f v e r y i n di ff e r e n t s p e ll i n g i n th e m Hi s joke s ( fo r h e h ad .
s om e ar e e n d e d ; b u t th e y w e r e o l d p er en n i al s s tap l e an d
) , ,
al w ay s as good as n e w H e h ad o n e s o n g t h at s pak e o f
.
,
fl at bottoms o f o u r f ee s c omi n g ov e r i n d ar kn es s an d
”
th e ,
all u d e d to a th r e a ten e d i n v as i on m an y y e ar s s i n c e blow n ,
ov e r ; thi s h e r e ser v e d to b e su ng o n Ch ri s tm as ni gh t w h i c h
~
,
w e al w ay s p as s e d w i th h i m an d h e s an g i t w i th t h e f r e s h
,
n e s s o f an i m p e n d i n g e v e n t Ho w h i s e y e s w ou ld s par kl e
.
w h e n h e c am e to t h e p as s age
W l l sti ll mk m ru n dw el l st ill m ke e mswe t

’ ’ ’ ’
e a e e n, a a a ,
I s p i te f th devi l d B u l s Ga tte !
’ ”
n o e an r ss e ze
What i s th e B ru s se l s G az e tte n e w ? I c ry w h i l e I
’
,
e n d i t e th e se t r i fl e s Hi s poo r gi r l s w h o ar e I be l i e v e
.
, , ,
c om p ac t o f s ol i d good n e s s w i ll h av e t o r e ce i v e th e i r affl i c te d
,
m oth e r at an u n s u c c e s s f u l h o m e i n a p e tty v il l age i n

—sh i r e w h er e fo r y ear s th e y h av e b e en s tr u ggl in g t o
,
r ai s e a g i r l s s c h ool w i t h n o e ff e c t Poor deaf R o ber t ( an d

’
.
t h e l e s s h op e f u l fo r b e i n g s o ) i s th r o w n u pon a deaf w or ld ,
w i th ou t t h e c om f o r t to h i s f ath e r o n h i s d e ath b e d o f k n ow -
i n g h i m p r ov i d e d f o r T h e y ar e l e f t alm ost pr ov i si on l e ss
.
,
.
S om e l ife as s u r an c e th e r e i s ; b u t I fe ar n o t e x ce e di n g , ,
Th e i r h op e s m u s t b e fr om you r c or por ati o n w h i ch ,
th ei r fath e r h as s e r v e d fo r fifty ye ar s Wh o o r w h at ar e .
yo u r l ead in g m e m b er s n ow I kn o w n o t I s th e r e an y t o, .
,
w h o m w i th o u t i m p e r ti n e n c e y o u c an r e p r e s e n t t h e t r u e
, ,
c i r c u m s tan c e s o f t h e f am i ly Y o u c ann ot s ay good e n ou gh

?
o f poo r R an d h i s p oo r w if e O bli g e m e an d t h e dead i f

”
.
.
,
o u can .
y
APPE N D I X .
[ I n h ese t
ssay s C h ar l e sELam assu m e th e name b d o f an Ital ian , wh o
was one of h i s co l l ea ues i n th e S ou h S ea g
au sa ] t H
S OU T H SEA H OUSE .
Mr Joh n Lamb th e E ssayi st s broth er was a cl er k i n th e Sou th S ea

. .
’
Ho use Hi s passi o n for pi cture c ol l ectin g i s recor de d in th e adm irabl e

.
sketch of hi m (as Jam es E li a) i n My R el ati o ns ”

.
OX FOR D I N T H E VACA TI ON .
G D Mr G eo r ge D ye r au th or of a Hi story o f th e Universi ty
. .
, .
,
and Col l e ges o f C am b ri dg e Th e passage i n brack ets was su ppr es se d

”
.
at t h e e arnes t r em on s t ran ce o f D e r w h o com pl ain e d th at i t c o nve e d

y y ,
quite a fal se i m pres sion of th e tr e atm ent h e h ad rece ived fr o m h is

vari ou s em pl oy ers Mr Procter vou ch es for th e truth o f th e anecdote
. .
ab o u t Dy er s cal l i g at M s i n Bedfo r d Squ are an oth er exam p l e

’ ’
n ,
o f h i s extre m e ab se c e o f m in d wi l l b e fo u n d i n a l ater E s say

n Ami c u s ,
Red ivivu s .
”
To E l ia s co n fess ion o f
’
h is v
a ers i on to M SS o n page
.
, 13 , l in e 5, was
appen ded th e foll o wi g n o te n i n th e g
o r i i nal Es say
Th er e i s s om e th i n g to m e r e pu gnan t at an y t im e i n
wr i tte n h an d Th e t e xt n e v e r se e m s d e te r m i n ate
. P ri n t .
se ttl e s i t I h ad th ou gh t o f t h e Ly c i d as as o f a f ull gr o w n
b eau ty—as spr i ngi n g u p w i th al l i t s par ts abs olu te—ti ll i n
-
.
an e v i l h o u r I w as s h o w n t h e o r i gi n al w r i tt e n c opy o f i t
, ,
toge th er w i th th e oth er m i n or po e m s o f i ts au th or i n t h e ,
li br ar y o f Tr i ni ty kept l i ke s om e tr easu r e to b e pr ou d o f
, ,
I w i sh th e y h ad th r o w n th em i n t h e Cam o r s en t th e m ,
aft e r t h e l att e r c an to s o f S p e n s e r i n to th e I r i sh C h an n e l , .
Ho w i t s tagge r e d m e t o s ee t h e fi n e t h i n gs i n th e i r o r e
i n te r l i n e d c or r e c te d ! as i f th e i r w o rd s w e r e m or tal alt e r
, ,
abl e d i s pl ac eabl e at pl easu r e

,
as i f th e y m i gh t h av e b e e n
oth er w i s e and j u s t as good ! as i f i n s p i r ati on w e r e m ad e

,
u o f par ts and th os e fl u c tuat i n g s u cces s i v e i n d iff e r e n t !

p , , ,
494 A PP E ND I X
I wi ll go i nt o th e w or k sh o p o f an y gr eat ar ti s t agai n
n ever ,
n o r d e s i r e a s i gh t o f h i s p i c tu r e t i ll i t i s f ai r ly o ff t h e
e as e l ; n o n ot i f Raph ae l w e r e to b e al i v e agai n an d
, ,
p a i n t i n g an ot h e r G al at e a .
A f te n o n e th i nk s o f o ff
r i g v i o l e nce or i nj u sti c e to h i m page 13
er n , ,
l in e 26 th e e was re f en ce t o th e f ol l o wi ng n ote
, r er
Vi ol e n ce o r i nj u s ti ce c e r t ai n l y n on e Mr E l i a B u t y ou , , . .
w i ll a c kn o w l e dge th at t h e ch ar m i n g u n s u s p e c ti n gn es s o f
o u r f r i e n d h as s om e ti m es l ai d h i m op e n to attac k s w h i c h , ,
th ou gh s avou rin g (w e h o p e ) m or e o f w agger y th an o f

ma c l i e s u c h i s o u r u n f e i g n e d r e s p e c t f o r G D — m i gh t w e . .
,
th i n k m u ch b e tte r hav e b e e n o m i tt e d S u c h w as th at s i lly

,
.
joke o f L w h o at t h e ti m e t h e q u e s ti on o f t h e S c otc h
,
n o v e l s w as fi r s t a g i ta t e d gr av e ly a ss u r e d o u r f r i e n d Wh o —
a v e ly w e n t abou t r e p e ati n g i t i n al l c o m p an i e s —
,
as
g r t h at
L or d Ca s tl e r e agh h ad ac k n o w l e dg e d h i m se l f to b e t h e
au th o r o f Wav e r l e y — N ote not by E lia , .
Th i s i s a f ct L was E l i h im s l f
a . a e .
C HR I S T S H OS PITAL T HI R TY F IVE YE ARS A G O

’
-
.
Th is E ssay i s a review o f o r rath e r perh aps a p endant to C Lam b s , , , , .

’
o wn Rec ol l e cti o s o f Ch r i st s Hospi tal a d give s so me o f th l ess

n
’
, n e
f vou abl e c h aracter is ti c s o f t h e sy ste m ad o pte d th e re T o bi n w as a f i e nd

a r . r
o f Lam b s o f wh o m l i tt l e I S k n o wn I n a l ette r to Wo rd s wo rth fu l l o f

’
.
, ,
e l ati o n at t h e ac ce p t an ce o f h i s f ar e nti tl e d Mr H by t h e man ag s “

ce, . er
o f D ury Lan e T h eat re Lam b s ays

r O n t h e f l l o wi n g S u day M r
,
o n , .
T obi n c o m es Th e s cen t o f a m n ag er s l ette r b ou gh t h i m H e woul d

. a
’
r .
h ave g o e far th er an y day o n su c h a b u si n e ss

n I r ead t h e l ette r to .
H e de em s i t au th en ti c an d p e em p t y a su bse qu en t l e tte r
”
h im . I r or .
-
n
to S o th y d te d A u g s t 1 5 1 8 15 h e s y T o bin i s d ead ”
u e , a u G od, ,
a s .
wi s t age dy A n to n i o w e l arn f om a l etter o f Lam b s c am e o u t

’ ” ’
n r e r
, ,
“
in a fei g n e d n am e , a s on e To b in s ’
.
’
Th is E s say c o tai n ns a v ery t

fai h f u l re p rese tation o f Lamb s teac h ers
n
’
and sch oo l fe l l o w s a t C h ri st 8 Hospi tal . B o yer an d Fi el d bo th rece ived

pp oi ntme t s i n 17 7 L P Steven s w h o was Grec i an
,
th e ir a T h e Re n v. . .
,
i 17 8 8 l e ft Ch i t s H o s pi tal i n 1 8 07 D T
’
n ,
r s e (t h e Re v A rt h ur . r . .
Wil l i m T ol l pe ) re ti e d i 18 27 , a d di ed i n t h e sam e y e r Th e
a r o r n n a .
R igh t Hon u bl e S i E d wa d Th o ton was G e ci n i n 17 8 5 d th i d

o ra r r rn r a , an r
wra gl e r at C m b i dge i
n 17 8 9 Th ro gh t h e i nte re st o f Mr Pi t t
a r n . u .
,
h e b e c m e E ny o y E x t ram d i n y an d M i ni ste r Pl e ni p o tentiary at th e

a ar
Co t o f Po t u ga] d th e B az il s G eo rge R ich ar ds was G r e cian m

ur 1 an r .
17 8 5 b e fo r M i dd l eto Mr C h a rl es Val enti ne Le G i e

e n
eif p l i ed a r c
p
.
,
o f ‘ .
496 APP END I X
SYM PA TH I E S I MPE RFEC T .
B Br h a m t h e c e l eb ate d te o Lam b e l se wh ere de i bes

a , r n r. s cr
h i m as a m ixtur e o f th e J e w t h e g e ntl e man an d t h e a gel

"
, , n .
Th e Q uak er sto ry Lam b h ad from C ar lis l e t h e c el ebrate d sur g e o n , ,
wh o was an eye wi tn ess of t h e sce ne .
WI TCH E S
O THER N I GH T FE ARS AND .
D ear l ittl e T o ne o f Mr Lei g h H un t s c h il d e n o f wh o m

. .
’
r ,
Lam b was extrem el y fon d an d to wh o m h e addr essed som e prett y l i nes .
MY R E LA T I O N S .
J am es
“
and Bridge t E l i a . Hi s b ro th er and sis er , t Jo h n an d Mary
Lam b .
MACKER V E N D I N H ERTFOR D S H IR E
, .
B F . .
1
Mr . Barron Fiel d .
M O D ER N GA LLAN TR Y .
S ir T . Tal fo u rd says , i n h is Me moir o f Lamb th at ,

“
h is acco un o f t
Mr Raice s poli ten e ss
.
’
c o ul d
be atte ste d to t h e l etter b y l i i n wi t v g
”
n ess e s
0 8 3 .
BE NC H ERS OF TH E INNER TEMPLE

TH E OLD .
Mr Procter says th at al l th ese o l d Be n c h ers are fi cti tio us ch a

.
rac t e rs wi th t h e exce p ti on o f
, Samu el S al t th e barr i ster i n wh ose , ,
e m p l o y C Lam b s fath er was

’
. .
Lovel ; th is admi ra b l e sketch i s a portrai t of E li a s fath er Mr Joh n

’
.
,
Lam b .
Rpro babl y Mr Robert Norris

. N .
, .
, a v er y ol d
'
fn e n d of th e Lam b s.
and an o ffi cer o f t h e I nne T e m pl e r .
G RA CE BEFOR E MEA T .
Mr C V . . . Le G ri c e s ’
t
wi ti ci sm h as o fte n b e en ttributed
a to o th er
h u m o ri sts .
DRE A M CHILD RE N .
S m f th a c t f t h
o e ur g th i N f l k wil l be f
er c ou n d o e re a o u se n or o ou n
fi t f th L tE f E l ia
” "
in B l k m ath es oo r ,
y Th e h o e rs o e
“
as ss a s o . u se
i th e r p
s er te d it t d in Hertfo d h i
e res e n it al l y w as s ua e r s r e , as re as .
I n a l ett t C l e i dg L mb y f h i G and m th Fi el d th t
er o o r e, a sa s o s r o er ,
a
s h e l ived h o
“
k e pe i a f am i l y th e fi fty s ixty l t y ars o f h
use e r n or as e er
l i f ; th t sh w s
e w m
a f exem p l ary p i ty nd goo d
e a ad f o an o e a n ess , an or
m ny y a s b f e h
a death w te i bl y ffl i t d wi th ca cer i h
e r e or er as rr a c e a n n er
b t whi h sh e b wi th t C h i ti n p ti
re as ,
c ore r ue r s a a ence .
”
J h L Ch l s b th
o n l e k in t h
.
,
S th S H ar e s H
’
ro er , a c r e ou ea o u se . e
w l amed by th e fal l o f a s to ne wh ich was bl o wn do wn i n h igh wi d

as , a n
A PP END I X 4 97
D ISTAN T CORRE SPOND E NTS .
Th i Essay ori gi nal l y f rme d pa t o f

s l ett t M B rron F i el d o r a er o . r . a ,
‘
who h d r c eive d
a j d i i l pp i n tm t N w S th W l e
e a u c a a o en 111 e ou a s .
J W M J mes Wh i te wh di d in 1821 (S ee not t th e

. r. a , o e . e o
f l l owi g E
o n) ssay .
P R AISE OF CH IM NE Y SWEE PERS

THE -
.
James Wh i te was Lamb s sc h o ol fel l ow at Ch r ist s and h i s con stant

’ ’
,
co m pan i o n in h is e ar l y y e ars He was t h e au th or o f Letter s o f Si r .
Jo h n Fal staffl i n t h e writi n g o f wh i ch S ou th ey s ay s Lamb h ad a

s h ar e .
COMPLAIN T OF T HE D ECA Y OF BE GGARS .
Th e fo l l owi n g p o s tscr i p t was appen de d to th i s E s say i n th e L o nd o n

Magaz in e
PS . .
—My f i (
r en d Hu m e o u s m an u not MP ) h as . a cu r i
sc r i p t i n h i s po ss e s s i o n t h e o r i g i n al d r af t o f t h e c e l e b r ate d
,
B e ggar s Pe ti t i on c ann ot s ay by h e ar t
(
’
wh o t h e
B e ggar s P e ti ti on ?
’
as i t w as w r i tte n by s o m e sc h ool
s I r e m em b e r t o r r e c ti o n s i n t e r l i n e d f r o m t h e
u sh er
( a ) w i h c ,
n o f O l i v e r G old s m i th A s a s p e c i m e n o f t h e D o c to r s
’
p e .
i m p r ov em en t I r e c oll e c t on e m o s t j u d i c i o u s alte r ati o n

,
A p am p er d men ial d ove me f o m th e doo

’
r r r.
It s tood o r i g in ally
v t d ov m & c “
A li v e ry ser an r e e, .
HeI e 18 an i n s tan ce o f po e ti c al o r ar ti fi c ial l an gu age p i o

p er ly su bs ti tu te d fo r t h e ph r as e o f c o m m o n c on v e r s at i on ;
agai n s t Wo r d s w o r th I th i n k I m u s t ge t H to s en d i t t o
, .
Lo n d on as a c o r oll ar y t o t h e f o r e go i n g
”
th e , .
A DI SSER TATI O N U PO N RO AS T P IG .
Lam b c on fe e d th t h e bo ow d t h
ss aid f th i E rr e e ea o s ss a
y fr o m h is
fr ien dM an n n i g wh o h d esid d v
,
l ya i Ch i r e se era e ar s n na .
O N SOME OF T H E OLD A CT ORS .
Th ree arti cl es i n th e L nd o n M g zi ne o n Th e O l d A c to rs we reo a a , ,
consi derabl y al te re d b y E l ia b oth i n m att e r a d ar ran gem e n t an d we r e

,
n ,
re pu bli sh e d i n h is c ol l ec te d wo r k s as th e p es e nt E ss ays
,
O n s o me o f ,
r
On t h e Artifi cial Co medy o f th e Last Cen tury and

“
th e Ol d Actor s
” ”
, ,
O n th e Act i n g of Mu nden .
”
493 A PP END I X
Th e fo l l owi n g passage wh i h com menced th e l ast of th e o i ginal

,
c r
E s says , w as o m i tt d i th ei l te ed f m
e n r a r or
I do n ot kn ow a m o r e m o r ti fy i n g th i n g th an to b e
c o n s c i o u s o f a fo r e go n e d e l i gh t w i th a to t al obl i vi o n o f th e ,
p e r s o n an d m an n e r w h i c h c o n ve ye d i t I n d r e am s I of te n .
,
s tr e tc h an d s tr ai n af te r t h e c ou n t e n an ce o f E d w in wh om I .
”
on ce s aw i n P ee pi n g To m I c ann ot c atc h a featu r e o f
.
h im . H e i s n o m or e to m e th an N oke s o r Pi n k e t h m an .
Par s on s an d s ti ll m or e D odd w er e n e ar b e i n g los t t o m e

, , , ,
‘
t i ll I w as r efr e sh e d w i th th e i r por tr ai ts ( fi n e tr e at) t h e

o th e r d ay at Mr Math e w s s gall e r y at H igh gate ; w h i c h
.
’
w i th t h e e x c e pt i o n o f th e H ogar th p i c tu r e s a fe w y e ar s ,
s i n c e e x h i b i t e d i n P all M all w as th e m os t d e l i gh tf u l c o l ,
l e c ti on I e ve r gai n e d ad m i s s i on to T h er e h an g th e playe r s .
,
i n th e i r s i n gle p er s o n s an d i n g r ou p e d s c e n e s f r om t h e
R e s tor ati on —B e tte r ton s Bo o th s Gar r i c k s —
,
,
j u s ti fyi n g th e
, , ,
r ej u d i ce s w h i c h w e e n te r tai n f o r th e m t h e B r ac e i r d l e s
p g ,
t h e Mo u n tf o r ts an d th e O l d fi e l d s f r e s h as C i bb e r h as
, ,
d e s cr i b e d th em ; t h e Wo ffin gt on ( a tr u e H ogar th ) up on
a c o u ch d ally i n g an d d an ge r o u s ; t h e s c r e en s c e n e i n
, ‘
fi
B r i n sl e y s fam o u s c o m e dy ; w i th S m i th an d Mr s Ab i n gdo n
’
.
,
w h om I h av e n o t s e e n ; an d t h e r e s t w h om h av i n g s e en , , ,
I s ee s ti ll th e r e Th e r e i s Hen de r s o n u n r i v all e d i n Com u s

.
, ,
w h o m I s aw at s e c on dh an d i n t h e e ld e r H ar l ey ; H ar l e y ,
t h e r i val o f H o l m an i n H o r at i o ; H o l m an w i t h t h e b r i gh t
, ,
gl i tt e r i n g t e e th i n Loth ar i o an d th e deep p av i o r s s i gh s i n
, ,
’
Rom e o t h e j olli e st p e r s on o u r s o n i s fat o f an y Ham l e t

,
I h ave y e t s e e n w i th t h e m o s t lau dabl e atte m pts ( fo r a

,
p er s on abl e m an ) at look i n g m e l an ch oly ; and Pope t h e

’
abd i c a t e d m o n ar ch o f tr ag e dy an d c o m e dy i n H arr y t h e ,
E i gh th an d Lor d To w n l e y Th e r e h an g t h e t w o Ai c k i n s
.
,
b r e th r e n i n m e d i oc ri ty ; Wr o u gh t o n w h o i n Ri tel y s e e m e d
I ,
t o h av e f or g o tte n t h at i n p r ou d e r d ays h e h ad pe r s o n ate d

Al e x an d e r ; t h e s p e c i o u s f o r m o f Joh n Pal m e r w i th t h e ,
'
s p e c ial e fl r o n te r y o f Bobby ; B e n s l e y w i th t h e tr u m p e t ,
tong u e ; an d l i ttl e Q ui c k ( th e r e ti r e d D i o c l e s i an o f I s l i n g
t o n ) w i th h i s s q u e ak l i k e a B ar t l e m e w fi d dl e Th e r e a r e ’
.
,
fixe d c old as i n l i fe th e i m m o v e able featu r es o f Moody

, , ,
w h o af rai d o f o e r s t e pp i n g Nat u r e s o m e ti m es s top pe d sh o r t

’
, ,
5 0
0 APP END I X
i m p u t i ng de grade d tas te i n th e s e n ti m e n ts o f love t o h i s

a , ,
fai r l ady O l i v i a as s h e ac tu ally d i d f all i n l o v e w i th a

,
d o m e s ti c an d o n e w h o fr o m h i s e xtr e m e y o u th w as p e r
, , ,
h ap s a g r e ate r r e pr oach to h e r d i sc r e ti on th an h ad s h e c as t
a t e n d e r r eg ar d u p o n h e r o l d a n d f a i thf u l s e r v an t
”
But .
w h e r e do e s s h e g ath er t h e f ac t o f h i s age ? N ei th e r M ar ia
n o r F ab i an e v e r cas t th a t r e p ro ac h u po n h i m .
T h e fol l o wi n g pa s ge w h i ch ri g in all y f rm d p t o f E li a c ut e
'
s a ,
o o e ar a s
vi ndicati n f M l vol i w s o m i tted wh en t h e E ssay was republ is h ed

o o a o, a ,
to i ts m an ifes t i m p o v m e n t I t i s i nte es ti n g a sh wi g h w
r e . l r s o n o r ea
S h ke pea e s c e ti t o Lam b A fte r t h e w o d m i ul

’ ”
a s r we
r a o ns re t . r
“
sr e, a
t h e nd o f t h e fi s t parag a ph o r: p ge 1 7 5 t h e p ap e i n t h e Lo n d o n
e r r a , r
M g z in e c o ntinu e d
a a
”
”
Th ere w as e xam ple fo r i t s ai d M alvoli o ; t h e lady
“
,
o f t h e S trac h y m ar r i ed t h e y e om an o f t h e w ar d r ob e
—
.
Pos s bly too

i h m i gh m m b f o r i t m u s t h av e h ap
pe n ed abo u t h i s t i m e—
,
e ,
t r e e e r
e u i n s tan ce o f a D u c h e s s o f Mal f
y
a c o u n tr y w om an o f O l i v i a s an d h e q u al a t l e as t
’
( er
) ,
d e s c e n d i n g f rom h e r s tate to c our t a s te w ar d

Th e m i e ry o f th em th t ar e bo rn g eat !
s a r
T h ey re f c e d to woo be u se n ne dar e wo th m
a or ca o o e .
To b e s u r e , t h e lady w as n o t v e ry t e n d e r ly h an dl e d f o r i t
by h e r b r o th e r s i n t h e s e q u el , b u t th e i r v e n g ean c e a pp e ar s
to h ave be e n w h e tte d r a th e r by h er pr e su m p ti on i n r e
r r y i ng a t all e n t h e y h ad m edi ta te d t h e k ee p i n g o f
( w h
h e r fo r tu n e i n th e i r f am i ly) , th an by h e r c h o i ce o f a n
i n fe r i o r , o f An toni o s n obl e m e r i ts e s p e c i ally, f o r h er h u s
’
ban d ; an d b e s i d e s O l i vi a s b r oth e r w as j us t d ead Mal

, ,
’
.
voli o w as a m an o f r ead i n g an d pos s i bly r e flec ted u pon ,
th es e li n e s o r s om e th i n g l i ke th e m i n h i s o w n co u n tr y
, ,
30 c t r y
[
C m n y h s m d e m any fool s e re o a a .
I t is a y w y u nto duch ess

s eas a a
As t h tted d am e i f h e r l ve ns we r
o a a , o a
B t th t b y t i m o rou s h o n ours p al e res pe c ts

u a , ,
I dl e d g f fear m e n m ak e th eir way s

e ree s o ,
Hard o f th m sel ves e .

”
Ti s b u t f or tu n e ; al l i s fo r tu ne Mar i a on c e told m e sh e
’
.
d i d aff e c t m e ; an d I h av e he ar d h e r s e lf c o m e t h us n e ar ,
”
th at sh ou ld s h e fan cy i t sh o u ld b e o ne o f my c om p l e xio n
, ,
.
APP EN D I X 50 1
If he r e w as n o e n c o u r ag e m en t t h e d e vil i s i n i t I wi s h , .
w e c oul d ge t at t h e p r i v ate h i s to r y o f al l th i s B e tw e e n
t h e c o u n te s s h e r s e lf s e r i o u s o r d i s s e m bli ng—
.
for o n e h ar dly
kn o w s h ow to a pp r eh e n d th i s fan tas ti cal gr e at l ady—an d
,
t h e p r ac ti c e s o f th at d e l i c i o us l i ttl e p i e c e o f m i s ch i e f ,
M ar i a
Th e l i twi gs l i d ra c -
a
B y M ch i ve l t h e w i ti ng m i d a a ,
a -
a
t h e m an m i gh t w e ll b e r apt i n to a f ool s p ar adi s e

’
.
Be n s l e y th r e w ov e r th e p ar t 85 0 , .
O N THE A R TIF I C I AL COM ED Y OF T HE LA S T C EN TURY

g p ssage ext di g f m p ge 1 91 to p ge 1 95 wh i h w
Th e l o n a , en n ro a a , c e
h v t d t thi E y w p b bl y wi th d w t th : q t o f
a e res ore o s ssa , as ro a ra n a e re u es ,
ei th Kem bl e
er G d wi wi th b th f w h m L m b w i tim te Th e
or o n, o o o a as n a .
t y f th
s or o d m i g f h is t g dy l th gh tol d i n h a d l i gh t
e a n n o ra e , a ou s uc e
f lly
u
y
e asn d l i v l y m n ne
a p e h aps m de God wi n win c n t wi th
e a r, r a e, o
t di n g h i s ph il osoph y As i t i s i mp ssibl e th p sage h oul d h v

s an . o e as s a e
be n s ppre s d s un w th y f E l i we h ve p efe ed to i ns e t i t wi th
e u s e a or o a, a r rr r
th t xt rath e th n i n t h A pp en d ix t h o gh i t h
e co n e r l i ttl
a nnec ti n e , u as e co o
wi th th e l su bj c t f th E ss y M w s Mr M a sh al l an l d “ ”
e r a e o e a a r o
R — w
. . .
,
f i n d f G d win s p b bl y J H mi l t n Reyno l ds a
’
r e o o . s as, ro a , . a o ,
dramati t n d on of th e c nt i b to s t th e Lon don M gazin e

s ,
a e o r u r o a .
”
REFACE T O T H E L AS T ES SAY S OF E LIA

P .
Th e s o cal l e d p r e face t o th e
-
Last E ssays of E l i a w as e vi dentl y “
i nte n d e d o ri gin al l y as a po sts c ri p t to t h e fi r st seri es o f E ssays L am b -
a t t h e ti m e di d n o t i nte n d to f ur n is h any m o re contri bu ti o ns t o t h e
Lo n do n ( exce pt p o ss i b l y a fe w pie ce s h e m ay h ave h ad I n h an d ) an d

”
, , ,
was o nl y p revai l e d u p o n to c o n ti n u e th em at th e e arn e st soli ci tati on o f

th e p ubl is h e rs Th e p r ese t p re face fi rst app ear e d as
. n
A C H AR AC T ER OF T H E LA T E E LI A .
B Y A F RIEND .
T h i s ge n tl e m an w h o fo r s o m e m o n th s p as t h ad b ee n i n
,
a d e c l i ni n g w a h ath at l e n gth p ai d h i s fi n a l tr i b u t e to
y ,
n atu r e H e j us t l i v e d lon g e n o u gh ( i t w as w h at h e w i sh e d)
.
to s e e h i s p ap er s c o ll e c t e d i n to a v olum e Th e p ages o f .
L o n do n M agaz i ne w i ll h e nc ef o r th kn o w hi m n o
” '
th e
m o re .
E x ac tly tw e lv e l as t n i gh t h i s qu e e r sp i r i t d e par te d
at ,
an d th e b e l ls o f S ai n t Br i de s r an g hi m o u t w i th th e o l d ’
5 2
0 A PP E ND I X
ye ar Th e m o u r n fu l vi brati o n s w e r e cau gh t i n t h e d i n i ng
.
r oo m o f h i s f r i e n d s T an d an d t h e c o m p an y as se m bl e d
’
.
,
th e r e to w e l c o m e i n an o th e r 1s t o f J an u ar y c h e c ke d th e i r ,
c ar o u s a l s i n m i d m i r th an d w e r e s i l e n t J an u s l w e pt ''
-
.
, .
n a w h i s p e r s i gn i fi e d h i s i n t e n t i o n
'
Th e g e n tl e P r
i i , ,
o f d e vot i n g an e l e gy ; an d A ll an C n obly f o r ge tfu l o f h i s .

,
c o u n t r m e n s w r o n gs vo w e d a m e m o i r to h i s m a nes f u l l
’
y ,
”
an d f r i e n dly a s a Tal e o f Ly ddal c r o s s .
To s ay tr u th i t i s ti m e h e w e r e go n e
,
A nd so o n to t h e e nd A ft th e l t p ragra ph f th e
. er P ef c s as a o
“
r a e a
i t no w t ds t h
s an , Ch te co ntin e d
e arac r u
H e l eft l i ttl e p r op e r ty b e h i n d hi m Of c o u r s e t h e l i ttl e .

,
th at i s l e ft ( c h i e fly i n In d i a bon d s ) d e volv e s u po n h i s
c o s i n B r i dge t A f e w c r i t i c a l d i ss e r tati o n s w e r e f o u n d I n
u .
h i s es cmtoi r e w h i c h h av e b e e n h an d e d ov e r to t h e e d i to r o f
,
this m ag a zm e i n w h i ch it i s to b e h op e d th e y w i ll s h o r tly
,
appe ar r e ta i n i n g h i s ac c u s to m e d s i gn at u r e
,
.
He h as h i m se l f n o t obs c u r e l y h i n ted th at h i s e m pl o y
’
me nt l ay I n a p u bl i c offi c e Th e ge n tl e m en i n t h e e xpo r t .
d epar tm en t of th e Eas t In di a H ou s e w i ll for gi v e m e i f I

ac kn o w l e dg e t h e 1 e ad in e s s w i th w hi c h th e y as s i s te d m e i n
t h e r e tr i e v al o f h i s f e w m an u s c ri pts T h e y po i n te d o u t in .
a m o s t obli g i n g m an n e r t h e d e s k at w h i c h h e h ad be e n
plan te d fo r f or ty y e ars ; s h o w e d m e po nd e r o u s to m es o f
fi gu r e s i n h i s o w n r e mar kably ne at h an d w h i c h m o r e
,
' ‘ '
,
p r o per ly th an h i s fe w p r i n te d tr ac ts m i gh t b e c all e d h i s ,
Wo rks . Th e y s e e m e d aff e c ti on ate to h i s m em or y an d ,
u n i v e r s ally c o m m e n d e d h i s e xp e r tn e s s i n book k ee p i n g -
It se e m s h e W as th e i n v e nt Or o f s om e l e dge r w h i ch s h ou ld
t
'
c o m b i n e t h e p r e c i s i on an d c e r tai n ty o f t h e Ital i an do u bl e
;
e n tr y I t n k th e y ca ll e d i t ) w i t h th e b r e v i ty an d fac ili ty
( h i
of so m e n e w e r G er m an s y s t e m ; b u t I am n o t abl e : to
appre c i at e t h e w or th o f t h e d i s c ov e r y I h a ve ofte n h e ar d .
h im e x pr e ss a w ar m r e gar d f o r h is as s o c ia te s i n offic e an d ,
Tayl o r and Hessey th e p bli sh ers o f th e Lon d n Magazi ne

,
u o .
”
1
'
Ja n us W ea th e rco c k th e n m d e p l um e o f
,
M r W ai n wr i gh t
o n e of .
, o
th e co n tr i butors to th e Lo n d on
”
.
I M r . P roc t e b ett k
r,n o wn B ar y Co n waJ
er as r r .
Al l an C unni n gh am th e S c o tc h po et ,
5 4
0 . APP END I X
to th i s L am bv t d
isi e G i l s o n i n 17 99 ; wh e n i t was u n e r o i n g
d ay . t d g
p i
s ome re a r s w h i c h h e may h a e m i s t a en for t h e
, roc e ss o f d emo l i v k p
ti o n ; o r, as Mr P er c y i z e ral h as su gested , th e rum ou r o f t h e
. Ftg d g
al terati o n s t h a w ere e in t b
m a e i n th e l ac e m ay h a e e e n exagge g d p v b
td p d t p b vt g
'
ra e i nto a r e or t o f i t s e s ru c i o n ; o r , o ss i l y (a l ess i n i in t
so l u ti on ) , l i a by an “
E
al l o wa l e fi c ti o n ,
,
”
m e r e l y im a i ne t h e fall of b g d
d
B l ak e sm o o r i n o r e r to i ve h im se l f an o o r tu ni y o f e x ressi n h i s g pp t p g
g t
re re at t h e catas tr o h e p .
P OOR RELA TI ONS .
P oor W i n h i s E ssay be ars a striki ng resembl ance t o ,

u
ln Ch ri st s H os p ital (p age ’
wh o p e ri sh e d o n th e pl ai ns
”
of Sal am an c a .
”
'
D E TA CHE D TH OUG HTS ON BO OKS AND R E AD I NG .
I n th e D t h ed Th u gh t we h ve v t e d to e to e t w
se e ac o s a e n ur r s r o or
th ree h te i ti c t h wh i ch w
c arac m itt d i th e co l l c t d E ay
r s ouc es e re o e n e e ss s.
Th e p g o n p g 217 i a g in e pi ce of a tobi og ph y Th e pi ce
assa e a e s e nu e u ra . e
th e gl y bbl h d d m n d w as Lamb f ce M H
u ra e a a e
’
s ar , r . .
”
Poo T bi S A pp e dix t
r o Ch i t H pi t l
n.
”
ee n o r s
’
s os a .
Ma ti n B M ti n B n ey o e f L m b s m t i ntim t f i nd
r .
”
ar ur ,
n o a
’
os a e r e s.
ELLI STO NI AN A .
Si r A C was S i r A nth ony Car l i sl e , a cel eb rate sur eo n d g

o f h a d ay, from wh o m E li a h ad t h e
t t r o l l an ec d o e o f t h e h r e e Q u ake rs, d t t
i n th e E ss ay on I m p er fec S ym path i e s ”
Lam s ai i n o ne of h i s t . b d
l e ter s t h a Carl isl e was th e es t s o ry ell er h e e er h ear
t “
t ”
b t -
t v d .
SUPERAN NUAT E D MAN THE .
T h i s E ssay records L m b s del i gh t at e scapi n g from a

’
h is th i r ty -
thr e r
y e ars
’
d dge ru r y at th e In dia Ho u se .
Af te r
“
wh at i s i t al l for ?
”
at th e bottom of page 257 , th e o ri gi n al
E ssay c onti n u e d
I r e c i te th os e v er s e s o f Co w l ey w h i ch s o m i gh ti ly agr e e
w i th m y c o n s ti tu t i on
Bu si n e ss ! th e frivo l ou s pr eten ce
Of h um an l usts to sh ak e o ff i nn oc e n c e
B usi n ess ! th e grav i m perti n e n c e e
Busi ness ! t h e th i ng wh i ch I o f al l th i n gs h ate , ,
Busi n ess ! t h e co ntradi cti on o f my f te a .

”
O r I r e p e at m y o wn l i ne s w r i tt e n i n m y c le r k s tate
Wh o fi rs t i nvente d w o rk —
,
and b ou n d th e f e e
-
r
A nd h ol i day r ej oi c i g p ir it do w n -
n s
To t h e e ver h au nti n g i m p rtu n i ty -

o
O f bu si ne ss i n t h e g r ee n fi e l d s and th e to wn , ,
APP END I X 5 5
0
p g
To l ou h , l o om , an il , s a e an d, oh ! most sad; v pd —
To t h i s dry ru e ry o f t h e d dg
es
’
s ea woo ! d k d d d
Wh o b ut th e ein u n l es , al i en fro m oo ,
b g b t g d
bb t S t
S a a h l ess a an ! h e wh o h i s u n l a g d
k v p T as e er l i e s mi d ro a o ry u rn i n s
’
tt b g
t d Th a r ou n an d r o u n i ncal cul a l y re el d b
t dv F or wra h i i n e h a h m a e h im l i e a w h e e l t d k
t I n h at re d re al m fro m w h e n ce ar e no r e t u rn ings ,
g t g v
Wh er e to i l i n and urm o il in , e e r and ay e
t g k pp k
He an d h i s h o u h t s ee en si ve w or y d ay -
.
0 th i s d i v i n e l e i s u r e ! R ead er i f th o u ar t f u rn i sh e d ,
w i th t h e old s e r i e s o f t h e L o n do n tu r n i n c o n t i n en tly to ,
t h e th ir d volu m e ( p ag e an d y o u w i ll s e e m p r e s en t
y
c on d i ti o n th e r e to u c h e d i n a Wi s h by a dain ti e r p e n “ ”
th an I c an pr e ten d to I su b s cr i b e to th at S onn e t toto .
cor de A m an c an n e v e r hav e too m u c h t i m e to h i m s e lf &c

.
,
.
]
B AR BAR A S
h
Th e r eal h ero in e of th i s c h armi n g sk tch e was M iss Kel l y, a we l l
kno wn ac tress o f th e ti m e , wi th wh o m Lam b was on d
fri en l y term s .
vv d
Sh e s ur i e h im som e y ear s .
T HE T OMB S I N T H E A BBE Y .
Th i s E ssay i s t f om E l i a s fi ne l ette to Robert S ou th ey

an xt
e r ac r
’
r .
Th e re t o f th e l e tter give n bel o w sufi i ci en tl y expl ain s t h e c au s e f

'
s , , o
th e q r el ua r So uth ey n tic e d th e book to s si st t h e l e no t t d it

. o a sa ,
re ar ,
o f w hi c h L m b w as f te ward c onvi nce d

a f S o n daer h d b e
rn h s ti l y s .
‘
u
”
a e a
su b sti t te d f S ne th w rd igi n l l y u sed an d wh i c h S outh ey ‘
u or a r, e o or a ,
fe l t i n th e p ec l i ar ci c m t an ces L mb w s pl ace d i n i t w s i m p s ib l e
,
u r u s a a , a o s
t o et in
r a .
SI R Y o u h av e d o n e m e an u n fr i e n dly o ffi c e w i th ou t
,
-
,
'
r h a S m u c h c o n s id e r i n g w h a t y o u w e r e do i n g Y
'
e ou
p p .
h ave gi ve n an il l n am e to m y p oor lu c u b r at i on s In a
’
r e c e n t p ap e r o n I nfi d e l i ty y o u u sh e r i n a c o n d i ti o n al ,
c o m m e n d ati o n o f th e m w i th an e x c e pt i o n ; w h i ch p re ,
c e d i n g th e e n c o m i u m an d t ak i n g u p n e ar l y th e s am e ,
s p ac e w i th i t m u s t i m p r e s s yo u r r ead e r s w i th t h e n o ti o n
, ,
th at t h e o bj e c ti on abl e p ar ts i n th em ar e a t l e as t e qu al i n
qu an ti ty to th e p ar d o n abl e Th e c e n s u r e i s i n fac t th e
—
.
c r i i c i s m: t h e
t p r ai s e a c o n c e ss i on m e r e ly E xc e p ti on s .
u s u ally f ollo w to qu al if y p r ai s e o r bl am e B u t th ere

,
.
s tan d s y o u r r e p r oo f i n t h e v e r y f r o n t o f y ou r n o ti ce i n
, ,
5 6 0 APP END I X
u gly c h ar ac te rs l ike so m e bu gbear to f r i ghte n a ll go o d

, ,
C h ri s ti an s fr om pu r ch as i n g Thr ou gh y ou I be com e an .
o bj ec t o f s u s p i c i o n to p r e c e pto rs o f you th an d f ath e r s o f ,
fam i l i e s . A book whi ch wa nts only a s ounder r el i gio us f eeli ng

to be as d el i ghtf ul as i t i s or i gi nal
”
Wi th n o f u r the r e x p l a
.
n ati o n w h at m u s t you r r e ad e r s c o nj e c tu r e b u t th at m
, y ,
li ttl e v o l u m e 18 s o m e v eh i c l e fo r h e r e s y o r i nfid e li t y ? Th e
q u otati o n w h i c h y o u h on ou r m e by s u bjoi n i n g oddly
,
' '
,
e n o u g h i s o f a c h ar ac t e r w h i ch b e s p eak s a t e m p er am e n t
,
i n t h e w r i ter th e ve r y r e v e r s e o f that you r r e p r oof go e s to

i n s i n u ate Had y o u b e e n tax i n g m e w i th su p er s ti ti on t h e
.
“
p as sage w ou ld h ave b e e n p e r ti n e n t to t h e c e n su r e Was

’
i t w or th your w h i l e to go s o f ar o u t o f yo u r w ay t o aff r on t
t h e f e e l i n gs o f an o l d f r i e n d an d c o m m i t y o u r s e l f by an
‘
i r r e l e van t qu ota ti on f o r t h e pl e as u r e o f r e fl e c ti n g u p on a
,
p oor c h i l d an e xi le at G e n oa
,
?
I am at a lo ss w h at par ti cu lar e ssay y o u h ad i n vi e w (if

m y p oo r r am bli n gs am ou n t t o th at ap p ellati on ) w h e n y o u
w e r e i n s u c h a h u r r y to th ru s t 1n y ou r obj e c t i on li k e bad ,
n e w s f orem os t Pe r h aps th e paper o n Sayi n g Gr ace s

,
.
-
’
w as t h e obn oxi o u s f eatu r e I have e n deavou r ed th er e to

—
.
r e sc u e a vol u n tar y d u ty good i n pl ace b u t n e ve r as I

re m em eb r l i t e r
,
a lly c o m m an d e d — f r om t h e c h ar ge o f an
, ,
'
u n d e ce n t f or m ali ty Ri gh tly take n si r that p aper w as

.
, ,
n o t ag ai n s t t h e
'
n o t agai n s t g r c e s b u t w an t o f grac e
a ,
c e r e m on y b u t t h e c ar el e s sn e s s an d s lov e n l i n e s s s o o f ten
,
obse r v e d I n t h e p er for m an c e o f i t
—
.
O r w as i t th a t o n t h e N e w Y e a r i n w hi ch I have
d esc r i be d t h e fe e l i n gs o f t h e m e r e ly n atu ral m an o n a ,
,
c o n s i d e r a t i on o f t h e a m a zi n g c h an ge w h i c h i s s u pp o sa ble ,
to take plac e o n o u r r e m oval f r o m thi s fl esh l y s cen e ? I f . .
m e n w ou ld h on e s tly c onf e s s the i r m i s gi v i n gs ( w hi c h fe w

m e n wi ll ) th e r e ar e t i m e s w h e n t h e s tr o n ges t C h ris ti an o f
u s ; I b el i e ve h as r e , e l e d u n d e r q u e s ti o n s o f s u ch s tagge r i n g
o b s cu r i ty I do n o t ac c u s e y o u o f th i s w e akne ss T h e r e
. .
ar e s om e w h o t r e m bl i n gly r e ac h o u t s h aki n g h an d s to t h e
gu i dan c e o f F ai th — oth e r s w h o s tou tly ven tu r e i n to th e

d ar k ( th e i r H u m an Con fiden c e th e i r l ead e r w hom th ey ,
m i st ak e fo r F ai th ) an d i n v e s t 1n g th e m s e l v e s b e f o r eh and
, ‘
,
50 8 A PP END I X
I f, i n e i th e r th es e pape r s o r e l s e w h e r e I h av e be e n
of
b e t r ay e d i n to s o m e l e vi ti e s —n ot afl r o n t in g t h e san c tu a1y
.
,
b u t glan c i n g p e r h ap s a t s o m e o f t h e o u ts k i r ts a n d e xt r e m e
e dg e s t h e d e b at e abl e l an d b e t w e e n t h e h oly an d p r o f an e r e
g io n s —(f o r t h e adm i xtu r e o f m an s i n ve n t io n s t w i s ti n g th e m

,
’
,
s e lv e s w i th t h e n am e o f t h e r e l i g i o n i t s e l f h as ar tf u lly m ad e ,
i t d i ffi c u lt to to u c h e ve n t h e alloy w i th ou t i n s o m e m e n s
’
s o i l i ng t h e fi n e gold ) —
, ,
e s t i m a ti o n i f I h av e s p o r t e d w i th i n
t h e p u r l i eu s o f s e r i o u s m att e r —i t w as I d ar e say a h u m o u r
,
— t
b e n o t s ar e tl d s ir — w h i c h I h av e u n w i tt i n gly d e r i v e d
, ,
, ,
f 1 0 111 yo u r s e l f Y o u h av e al l yo u r l i f e b ee n m ak i n g a j es t
.
o f t h e De vi l No t o f t h e s c r i p t u 1 al m e an i n g o f th a t d ar k
e s s en c e —
.
p e r s on al 0 1 al l e 0 1 1c al f o l th e n atu 1 e i s n o w h e 1 e
<1
plai n l y d e l i v e re d I ac q u i t y o u o f i n te n ti on al 1 r r e v e r e n ce
. .
B u t i n d e e d y o u h av e m ade w o n d e r fu lly f 1 e e w i th an d b ee n ,
m i gh ty p l e as an t u po n t h e p 0p u l a1 i d e a an d at t 1 ib u t e s o f
,
h im . A N obl e L o r d y o u 1 b 1 oth e 1 Vi s i o n a1 y h as s car ce ly

, ,
take n gr e ate r l i be r ti es w i th t h e m at e r i al keys an d m e rel y ,
Cath ol i c n oti on o f S t P e te r Y o u h av e fl att e1 e d hi m i n

. .
p r ose : y o u h ave c h an te d h 1m 1n goodly od e s Yo u h ave .
b e e n h i s J e s te r ; vol u n te e r L au r e ate and s e l f e l ec te d Co u r t ,

-
Poe t to B ee lze bu b .
Y o u h av e n e ve r r i d i c u le d I b e li e v e w h at y o u th ou gh t
, ,
to b e r e li gi on b u t y o u ar e al w ays gi r di n g at w h at s om e
,
pi ou s b u t p er haps m i s take n f olks thi n k to b e s o F or th i s

, , .
r eas o n I am s or r y to h ear that y o u ar e e n gage d upon a

,
li fe o f Ge or ge F o x I kn o w y o u w i ll fall i n to t h e e r r o r o f
.
i n t e r m i x i n g s o m e c om i c s tu ff w i th you r s e r i o u s n es s
'
Th e .
Q uake rs tr em ble at t h e s u bj e c t i n y o u r h an d s Th e Me .
t h o di s t s a1 o s h y o f y o u u p o n a c c o u n t o f t h ei r fou n d e r B u t
, .
abov e al l o u 1 Pop i sh b r e th 1 e n ar e m o s t i n yo u r d e bt
, Th e .
err o r s o f th a t C h u r c h h av e p r o v e d a f r u i tf u l s o u r c e t o y o u r
s co ffin g ve i n The i r L ege n d h as b e en a Gold e n o n e to

.
y o u. A n d h e r e yo u r f r i e n d s s ir h av e n oti ce d a n otabl e ,
i nc on s i s te ncy To t h e i m p o s i rig r i te s t h e s ol e m
,
. n p e n an c e s , ,
d e vou t au s ter i ti es o f th at c om m u ni on ; th e aff e c ti n g th ou gh

e rr i n p i y f th i r h e r m i t s ; t h e s i l e n c e an d s ol i tu d e o f
g t
th e C h ar tr e u x —
e o e
th e i r c r os s i n g s th e i r h oly w ate r s —th ei r

Vi rgin an d the i r sai n ts —
.
,
, t o t h e se t h e y s ay y o u h av e b e e n
, ,
A PP EN D I X 50 9
in de b te d fo r t h e be s t f e e l i n g s an d t h e r i c h es t i m age ry o f
, ,
o u r e p i c p o e tr y Y o u h av e d r a w n c op i o u s d r af ts u p o n
y .
Lo r e tto We th o u gh t at o n e ti m e y o u w e r e go i n g pos t t o
Ro me —
.
u
b u t t h at i n t h e fac e ti o u s c o m m e n tar i es w hi c h i t i s ,
u 1 c u s to m t o a pp e n d s o pl e n ti u lly a n d some sa
y o
f ( y) 1 nj u
d i c i o u s l y to y o u r lo f ti e s t p e r f o i m an c e s i n th i s k i n d y o u
, ,
s p u r n t h e u pl i f te d t o e w h i c h y o u b u t j u s t n o w s e e m e d to
,
c o ur t ; l eave h i s h ol i n e s s i n t h e l u r c h ; an d s h o w h i m a
f ai 1 p ai r o f Pr ote s tan t h e e l s u n d e 1 you r R o m i s h v e s tm e n t .
Wh e n w e th i n k y o u al r ead y a t t h e wi c ke t s u dd en ly a ,
v i o l e n t c r o s s w i n d blo w s y o u t r an s ve r s e
Ten th o u an d l eagu es w y
s a r
Th en m i gh t we s e e
Co wl h oods and h bit wi th th e i w ear r te t

s, , a s, r e s, s
A n d fl t te d i nto rag s ; t h en r el i q s b ead s

’
u r ue , ,
I n d l genc s di penses par do ns b u l l s

u e , s , ,
Th e sp o t o f wi nds
”
r .
Yo u p i c k u p p e n c e by sh o w i n g t h e h allo w e d bo ne s s h ri n e , ,
an d c ru ci fix ; an d y o u t ak e m o n e y a s e c o n d t i m e by e x p s
o
i n g t h e tr i ck of th em aft e1 w ar d s Yo u c ar r y yo u r v e r s e to .
C as tle An ge lo f o r s al e i n a m o r ni n g ; an d s w i f te r th an a ,
pe dlar can tr an s m u te h i s p ac k y ou ar e at C an te r bu r y wi th ,
yo u r p r os e w ar e be fo r e n i gh t .
Si r i s i t t h at I d i s l i ke y o u i n th i s m e r r y v e in ? Th e
,
v e r y r e v e r s e N o c ou n te n anc e b e c om e s an i n telli ge n t j e s t
.
be tte r th an you r o w n It i s y o ur g r ave as p e c t w h e n y o u

.
,
l ook aw fu l u pon y o ur p oo r f 1i e n d s w h i c h I w o u ld d e pr e c a te , .
I n m o r e th an o n e pl ace i f I m i s take n o t y o u h av e
been ple as e d to c om plim e n t m e at t h e e xp en se o f m y c o m
, ,
p ani on s I c an n ot ac c e pt yo u r c om pl i m e n t at s u c h a p 1 i c e
. .
Th e u pb r ai d i n g a m an s p ove r ty nat u r ally m ake s h i m look

’
abou t h i m to s e e w h e th e r h e b e s o poo r i n d e e d as h e i s
p r e sum e d to b e Yo u h av e p u t m e u po n c o u n ti n g m y
.
r i c h es . R e ally s i r I d id n o t kn o w I w as s o w ealth y i n
, ,
.
th e ar ti c l e o f f r i e n d s hi p s Th e r e i s an d . w h om
y o u n e v e r h e ar d o f b u t e x e m pl ar y c h ar ac te r s both
,
an d ,
e x c e ll e n t c h u r c h go er s ; an d N o rr i s m i ne an d m y f ath er s
’
-
fr i en d fo r n e ar ly hal f a c e n t u r y ; an d t h e e n th u si as t for
Wo r d s w o r th s p oe try
’
a l i ttl e tai n te d w i th S o c i n i an i s m
,
5 0
1 A PP END I X
i t i s to b e fe ar e d , b u t cons tan t i n h i s a tta c h m e n ts , an d a

'
ca p i ta l c r i t i c ; an d a s t u rd
y o l d A t h an as i an ,
s o t h a t
se ts al l t o r i g h ts agai n ; a n d Wai n w r i g h t , t h e l i gh t an d ,
w ar m as l i gh t h e ar te d Jan u s o f t h e
- -
L on don an d t h e
tr an slat o r o f D an te s t l l l a c u r ate , m o d e s t an d am i able C ;

, .
an d All an C , t h e l ar g e h e ar te d S c ot ; an d P
. r , c an d i d an d
-
a ff e c t i o n a te as h i s o w n po e tr y ; an d A p , Cole ri dge s ’
f r i e n d ; an d G n h i s m o r e th an fr i e n d an d Col e r i dge
,
h i m se l f, t h e s am e t o m e s ti ll as i n th o s e o l d e v en i n g s , ,
w h en w e d to s i t an d s p e c u l ate (do y ou r e m e m b e r th e m
us e ,
at o u r old S al u t at i o n t av e r n u po n Pa n ti s o c r ac y an d
si r
)
?
gold e n d ays to co m e o n e ar th ; an d W —t h (w h y s i r I
,
'
, ,
m i gh t d r op m y r e n t r oll h e r e ; s u c h goodly far m s an d -
m an o r s h av e I r e c ko n e d u p al r e ady I n w h at pos s e ss i o n
h as n ot th i s l as t n am e alo n e e s tate d m e —b u t I w i ll g o o n )
.
-
an d Mo n k h o u se t h e n obl e m i n d e d k i n s m an by w e dl o c k
,
-
, ,
of W t h ; an d H C B u n w e ar i e d i n t h e o ffi c e s o f a . . .
,
fri e n d ; an d Cl ar ks on al m o s t ab o v e th e n arr o w n e s s o f th at
,
r e l at i o n o n d e s c e n d i n g n o t s e ldo m h e r e to f o r e f r o m th e
'
y e t
,
c
labou r s o f h i s w o r ld e m br ac i n g ch ar i ty to bles s m y h u m ble

-
r oo f ; an d t h e g all l e s s an d s i n gl e m i n d e d D y e r ; an d th e
- -
h i gh m i n d e d as s o c i ate o f Cook t h e v ete r an Colon el w i th

-
, ,
h i s l u s ty h e ar t s t i ll s e n d i n g c ar te l s o f d e fian ce to o l d T i m e ;
an d n o t l e as t W A
, t h e l as t an d s te ad i e s t l ef t to m e o f
, . .
,
th at l i ttl e kn ot o f w h i s t pl ay e r s th at u s e d to ass em ble -
w e e kly f o r s o m an y y e ar s at t h e Q u ee n s G at e (y o u r e
’
, ,
m e m b e r th e m s i r ) an d c all e d Ad m i r al B u r n e y f r i e n d
?
,
.
I w i ll c om e to t h e poi n t at o n c e I b e li e v e y ou w ill .
no t m ak e m an y e x c e pti o n s to m y as s o c i ate s s o far But I .
h ave pu r pos e ly o m i tte d s o m e i n ti m ac i e s w h i ch I do n o t ,
y e t r e p e n t o f h av i n g c o n tr ac te d w i th t w o g e n tl e m e n d i a , ,
m e tr i c al l y oppo s e d to you r s e l f i n pr i n c i pl e s You w i ll .
”
u n d e r s t an d m e t o allu d e to t h e au th o r s o f Ri m i n i an d ~
“
of th e T abl e Talk An d fi r s t o f th e fo r m e r
. .
It i s an e r r or m or e p ar ti c u lar ly i n c i den t to p e r s on s o f
'
‘
t h e c o r r e c t e s t p r i n c i pl e s an d hab i ts to se c l u de th e m selv e s ,
f r o m t h e r e s t o f m an ki n d as f ro m an oth e r s p e ci e s, an d f or m
‘
i n to k n ots an d c l u b s Th e be s t p e opl e h e r d i n g th u s ex
.
e l u s i v e ly ar e i n d an g e r o f c on t rac ti n g anar ro w ne s s Heat

'
.
,
5 2
1 A PP END I X
pr op o si ti ons ; th ou gh I s u s p ec t an u n fal rn e s s i n on e o f th e
te r m s w h i c h th i s w o u ld n o t be qu i te t h e pr e p e r pl ac e f or
.
e x pli cati n g At al l e ve n ts you h av e n o c au s e t o tr i u m p h ;

.
,
y o u h a v e n ot b e e n p r ov i n g t h e p r e m i s e s b u t r e fe r f o r s at i s ,
f ac ti o n th e r e i n to v e r y lo n g an d l abo r i o u s w o r k s w h i c h ,
m ay w e ll e m p loy th e s c e p ti c a tw e l v e m o n th o r t w o t o
'
d i ge s t b ef or e h e can p o s s i bly b e r i p e fo r you r c oncl u s i on

, .
Wh e n h e h as s at i sfi e d h i m s e lf abou t th e p r em 1 s es h e w i ll ,
c on c e d e to o u t h e i n f e r e n c e I d ar e say m o s t r ead i ly
y , ,
B u t you r l att er d e du c ti on v i z th at be c au s e 8 h as w ri tten

,
a. bo o k c on c e m i n g 9 t h er e f or e 1 0 an d 1 1 w as ce r tai n ly h i s
,
m e an i n g i s o n e o f t h e m o s t e xtr ao r di n ar y c o n c l u s i o n s p er
,
sal tum th at I h av e h ad t h e good f o r tu n e to m e e t w i th

,
As .
far as 1 0 i s v er bally as s e r te d i n t h e w r i ti n gs al l s e ct s m u st ,
ag r e e w i th o u ; b u t y o u c an n ot b e i gn o r an t o f t h e m an y
y
v ar i ou s w ay s i n w h i ch t h e d o c t r i n e o f t h e h as b e e n
u n d e r s tood fr o m a l o w fig u r ati v e e xp r e s s i on ( w i th t h e
,
U n i tar i an s ) u p to t h e m o s t m ys te r i o u s actu al i ty i n w h i ch
h i gh es t s e n s e alo n e y o u an d yo u r ch u r ch t ake i t An d f o r
1 1 th at th e re 1 s n o o th er p ossi bl e concl usi on—
.
,
to h azar d t h i s
i n t h e fac e o f s o m an y th o u s an d s o f Ar i an s an d S o c i n i a ns ,
&c w h o h av e d r aw n s o O pp os i te a o n e i s s u ch a p i e c e o f
.
, ,
t h e ologi c al h ar dih ood as I t h i n k w ar r an t s m e i n c o n cl u d

, , ,
i n g th at w h e n y o u s i t do w n to p e n th e olo gy y ou do n ot
, ,
at al l c o n s i d e r you r opp on e n t s b u t h av e i n you r e y e , ,
m e r e ly an d e x c l u s i v e ly r e ad e r s o f t h e sam e w ay o f th i n k
,
i n g w i th yo u r s e l f an d t h er e f or e h av e n o o c c as i o n t o tr ou bl e
,
you r s el f w i th th e qu ali ty o f t h e logi c to w h i ch y o u tr e at th e m .
N e i th e r can I th i n k i f y ou h ad h ad t h e w elf ar e o f t h e
poo r c h i ld—ove r w h os e h op e l e s s c on di ti o n y o u w h i n e s o
,
lam e n tably an d (I m u s t t h i n k ) u n s e as on ably — s e r i o u s ly at
h ear t th at y o u c ou ld h av e t ak e n th e s te p o f s ti c ki n g h i m
ame— —
,
'
u
p y b n T H i.s a s good. a s n a m i n g h i m to p e r p e tu a t e
an o u t r age u p o n t h e p ar e n t al fe e l i n g s as lon g as t h e Q u ar ,
te r l y R e v i e w
”
s h all l as t Was i t n e ces s ar y to s p e c i fy an
.
in di vi d u al c as e an d gi v e t o Ch r i s ti an c om p as s i on t h e
,
app e ar an c e o f a p e r s o n al attac k I s th i s t h e w ay to
c o n c i l i a t e u n b e l i e v e r s o r n ot r athe r to w i d e n t h e b r e ac h
,
i rr e p ar ably
APP EN D I X 5 3
1
I o wn I c ou ld ne v e r th i n k so c o n si d e r ably o f m y s elf as
to d e c l i ne t h e s o c i e ty o f an ag r e eable o r w o r th y m an u po n
di ff e r en c e o f opi n i o n o n ly Th e i m p e d i m e nts an d th e fac i
.
l i tat i on s to a s o u n d b e l i e f ar e v ar i o u s an d i n s cru ta bl e as t h e
he ar t o f m an S o m e b e li e ve u p o n w e ak p r i n c i pl es ; oth e r s
.
c ann ot fe e l t h e e ffi c ac y o f t h e s tr o n g e s t On e o f t h e m o s t .
can d i d m o s t u pr i gh t a n d s i n gl e m e an i ng m e n I e v e r k n e w
, ,
-
, ,
was t h e l ate T h om as H ol cr oft I b e l i e ve h e ne ver s ai d o n e

.
t hi n g an d m e an t a n oth e r i n h i s l i fe ; an d as n ear as I c an
, ,
gu e s s h e ne v er ac te d oth er w i s e th an w i th t h e m o s t s er u
,
u l o u s a tt e n ti on to c on s c i e nce O u gh t w e to w i s h th e
p .
c h ar ac te r f als e fo r t h e s ak e o f a h ollo w c o m p l i m en t to
,
C h ri s ti ani ty ?
Ac c i d en t i n tr o du ce d m e to th e ac qu ai ntan c e o f Mr
L H —
.
. .an d t h e e xp e ri e n c e o f h i s m an y f r i e n dly q u al i ti e s
c o n fi r m e d a f ri e n d sh i p b e tw e e n u s Yo u w h o hav e b e en .
,
m i s r e p re s e n t ed you r s e l f I s h o uld h o p e h ave n o t l e n t an

x
, ,
i dl e e ar to t h e c al u m n i e s w h ic h h ave b ee n s p r ead ab r oad

r es p e c ti n g th i s g e n tl e m an I w as adm i tte d to h i s h ou s e
.
h old fo r s o m e y ear s an d do m o s t s o l em nly ave r th at I b e

,
l i e v e h i m to b e i n h is do m es ti c r e l ati on s as c or re c t as any
m an . He c h os e an il l j u dge d s u bj e c t fo r a p o e m t h e p e c
-
c an t h u m ou r s o f w h i ch h av e b ee n v i s i t e d o n h i m te n f o ld
by th e ar tfu l u s e w hi ch h i s adv e r sar i e s h av e m ad e o f an

, ,
e ui voca l ter m T h e s u bj e c t i t s e l f w as s tar te d by D an te

q .
,
b u t be tt er b ec au s e b ri efli e r tr eate d o f B u t t h e c ri m e o f t h e .
love r s i n t h e Ital i an an d t h e En gl i sh poe t w i th i ts aggr a

, ,
v a t e d e n o r m i ty o f c i r c u m s t an c e i s n ot o f a k i n d
(as t h e,
c r i ti c s o f t h e l att e r w e ll k n e w ) w i th th os e c onj u n c ti o n s f o r ,
w h i c h N at u r e h e r s e l f h as p r ov i d e d n o e x c u s e b e cau s e n o ,
t em p tati o n It h as n othi n g i n c o mm on w i th t h e blac k

.
h orr o r s s u ng by F o r d an d Mas si ng e r
,
Th e fam i li ar is i n g .
o f i t i n tal e an d f abl e m ay b e f o r t h at r e as o n i n c i d e n tally

m or e c on tagi ou s I n s p i t e o f R i m i ni I m u s t look u po n i t s
.
,
au tho r as a m an o f tas t e an d a p o e t He i s be tte r th an s o .
h e i s o n e o f th e m o s t c or di al m i n d e d m e n I e v e r k ne w an d
'
-
,
'
m atch l ess as a fi r e s i d e c om p an i on I m ean n ot to afl r o n t .
o r w o u n d yo ur f e e l i n g s w h e n I s ay t h at i n h i s m o r e g e n i al
mood s h e h as o f ten r e m i n d e d m e o f y o u T h e r e is th e s am e .
A PP E N D I X
‘
5 4
1
ai r o f m i ld dogmti a sm —t h e sa me ond c es c en d i n g to a boy i s h

both yo u r c on v e rsati o n s
s -
in
'
W . Hi s h an d r i ti hg
i s s o mu c h th e sam e w i th o u r o Wn tha t I h av e op e n e d
y ,
m o r e th an o n e l e t te r of h i s h op i n g n ay n ot dou bti n g b ut , , , ,
i t w as f r o m y o u a n d h av e b e e n d i s a ppo i n ted
, ( h e w i ll bear
t
wi h my sa )yi n g d i s c ov e r y o f m
so at
y eth e
r r or L H i s . . .
un fo r t u n at e i n h old i n g s o m e loo s e an d n o t v e r y d efi n i te
s p ec u l at i o n s fo r at ti m e s I th i n k h e h ar dly k now s w h i th e r
( '
—
h i s pr e m i se W o u ld c ar r y h i m ) o n m ar ri ag e t h e ten e ts I
s ”
,
c o n ce i v e o f t h e ,
Pol i ti c al J u s ti c e car r i e d a l i ttle far th e r .
Fo r an yth i n g I cou ld d i s c ov e r i n h i s p r ac ti c e th e y h av e ,
l e fe r e n c e li ke th o s e t o s om e f u tu r e po s s i bl e c on d i ti o n f
, ,
o
s oc i e t a n d n o t to t h e p r e s e n t ti m e s B u t n e i th e r fo rth e s e
y , .
obl i qui t i e s o f th i n ki n g (u p on w h i c h my o w n c on c l usi on s

ar e a s d i s tan t as t h e pol e s as u
as e r i ti e s an d p e t u l an c i e s w h i c h ar e w e ar i n g o u t w i th t h e
’
b eat s an d v an i ti e s o f you th —
p ,
did I s e l e c t h i m fo r a fri e nd
‘ ‘
bu t fo r q u ali t i e s w h i c h fitt e d h i m fo r th at r el at i on I do .
n ot k n ow w h e th e r I fl att e r m y s e l f w i th be i n g t h e o c c s 1o n
a ,
bu t ce rtai n i t i s th at to u c h e d W i th s o m e m i s gi v in gs f o r
, ,
su n dr y h ar s h th i n g s w h i c h h e h ad Wr i tte n af o r e ti m ea a i n s t
g
o u r fr i e n d C b e for e h e le ft th i s c oun tr y h e sou gh t a r e c o n
.
,
c i li ati o n w i th th at g e n tl e m an h e lf b ei n g h i s n i n tr o
( i m s
o w
d u c e r ) an d fo u n d i t
, .
L H i s n o w i n I tal y o n h i s d e par tu r e t o w h i c h land

'
. .
, ,
m u c h re gr e t I took my l e av e o f h i m an d o f h i s li ttl e
fa m i ly — s e v e n o f th e m s i r w i th t h e i r m oth e r — an d as k i n d
,
a s e t o f l i ttl e T H n at e c h i l
'
eo l e
p ( a n d al l
) as a fl e .c t i o .
,
d r e n as e v e r b e ss e d a p ar en t Had y ou s e e n th e m s i r I .
, ,
th i nk y o u c ou ld n o t h av e look e d u pon th e m as s o many

li ttle J o na s e s — b u t r ath e r as pl e dg e s o f t h e v e s s e l s safe ty
’
th at w as to b e ar s u ch a fr e i gh t o f lov e
I W i sh y o u w o u l d r cad Mr H s l i n e s to th at s am
.
r
e T H
’
. . . .
si x ye ar s o l d d in i n g a s i ckne s s ,
Sl e e p bre aks at l a t from s ou t th e e .
My l i ttl e pat ie nt bo y ’
th
( y e ar e t o b e fo u n d 1n th e 4 7 th p ag e of F ol i ag e -
an d
as k y o u r se lf h o w f a1 th e y ar e out of t h e s pir i t o f Ch r i s
5 16 A PP EN D I X
Sir y o u w er e
, pl eas e d (y ou kn o w w he r e ) to inv i te me to
a c o m pl i an c e w i th t h e w h ol e s o m e f o r m s an d do c t r i n e s o f
t h e Chu r c h of E n glan d I take you r advi ce w i th as m u c h.
ki n dn e s s as i t w as m e an t B u t I m u s t th i n k th e i nvi tati on .
r ath e r m or e k i n d th an s e as on ab l e I am a D i s s e nter Th e . .
las t s ec t w i th w h i ch y o u c an r em em be r m e to h av e m ade
,
com m o n p r o fes s i o n we r e t h e Un i tar i an s , Y o u w ou ld th i n k .
i t n ot v er y p e r ti n e n t i f (f e ar i n g th at al l w as n o t w e ll w i th
,
y )o u I,
w e r e g ra v e ly to i n v i t e y o u fo r a r e m e dy
( ) to atte n d
w i th me a c o u r s e o f Mr B e l sh am s Le c tu r es at H ackn ey
’
. .
Pe r h aps I h av e s c r u p l es to s om e o f yo u r form s an d d o c
tri n e s B u t i f I com e am I se cu r e o f c i v i l tr eatm e nt
. ,
Th e l as t ti m e I w as i n an y o f you r pl ac es of w or s h i p w as
o n E as te r S u n d ay l as t I h ad t h e s ati sf ac ti o n o f li s teni n g
.
to a v er y s en s i bl e s e r m on o f an ar g um en tati v e t u rn de l i ,
ve r e d w i th gr e at p r o p r i e ty by o n e o f you r b i s h op s Th e , .
l ace w as We s t m i n s t e r Abb e y A s s u c h r e l i g i on as I hav e

p .
, ,
h as al w ays a c te d on m e m o r e by w ay of s e nti m e n t than

ar gu m e n t at i v e p r o c e s s I w as n o t u n w i ll i n g after s e r
, ,
m o n en d e d by n o u n b e c o m i n g tr an s i ti on to p as s o v e r
, ,
to s om e s e r i o u s f e e l i n g s i m poss i ble to b e d i sc on n e c te d f r o m
,
th e s i gh t o f t h o s e o l d to m b s B u t by w h ose o r d e r I , ,
kn o w n o t I was d e b ar r e d th at pr i vil e ge e v e n fo r so sh ort a

,
s pa c e as a f e w m inu te s an d tur n e d l i k e a dog o r s om e

p r o; ,
fan e p e r s o n o u t i n to th e c om m o n s tr e e t ; w i th f e e l i n gs
, ,
w h i c h I c ou ld n o t h e lp b u t n o t v e r y c on ge n i al t o th e day ,
o r t h e di s cou r se I d o n o t kn owth at I sh all e ve r v e n tur e

.
m y s e l f agai n i n to o n e o f y ou r ch u r c h e s .
Yo u h ad you r e d ucati on at We s t m i n s t e r &c
—
.
,
Th e fri en d s Lam b in di te d in th i s l ett by th eir initi l s we e Th e

ca er a r
Rev H F Ca y t h e t n l t
. . . r f Da t ; Procte ; All sop ; Gil l m n
, ra s a o r o n e r a .
at wh e h
os C l i dg di d ; W d w rth th e poet ; H C R ob in on
o u se o er e e or s o , . . s .
l te l y de d ; Wi l li m Ayr ton ; L i gh H t ; a d Wil l iam H li tt

a a a e un n az .
It m
se e pity th t in p i nti g p rt f th e l tt e Lamb di d n t
s a a , re r n a o e r, o
a dd l i on m o e i h m y wi th th re t o f t h e E
a c on c u s r n y th n th
ar on e s s sa a e
sl y i nsi t i n w ith wh i ch i t o w n d
nu a o n e s
Th e m i s ch i e f w as d on e abou t t h e ti m e th at y o u w e re a
s c h o l ar t h e r e D o you kno w an yth i n g abo u t th e u n fo r
.
tu n at e r el i c
A PP END I X 5 7 1
b nter was carrie d o n a l i ttl far th er in th l etter

Th e a e e
Can y ou hel p u s i n thi s e m e r gen c y t o fi n d t h e n o se o r

’
can y o u g i v e Ch an t r e y a n oti o n (f r o m m e m o r y o f i t s pr i s t i n e
)
li fe an d v i gou r ?
I am w i lli n g fo r p eac e s s ake to s u bs c ri be ’
my g ui n e a to w ar d s t h e r e s tor ati o n o f t h e l am e n t e d fe atu r e .
I am Si r you r h u m bl e s er van t , , ,
E LI A .
AM ICUS R E D IV I VUS .
g D E g td
Th e h e ro o f th i s ssay was Mr G e o r e y er , th e d i m si h e , a sen t .
-
b .
d d k d D
mi n ed , ch il l i e , l earn e G Ox d of V tfor i n t h e aca i o n ,
. fo r w h o m
.
g b t d p
t h r o u h l i fe Lam h ad a h ear y fr i e n s h i T h e o fte n er I s e e h i m , .
t
h e wr o e t o C dg
o l er i d p d
t h e m o re ee l y I a m i r e h i m H e is oo g d
“
e , .
ne s s p b t t d
A resu ma l y ru e accou n o f th e ac c i en t on w h i c h h is t
d g E
el i h t ful dd t d tt
ssay i s f o un e , i s co n ai ne H
i n a l e e r t o Mr s az l i ,
in . tt
18 23 . b t d
L am w as away fro m h o m e at th e i me i t oc curre , and wh e n h e
d
re tu rn e k d D
at fou r o c l oc , h e fo u n
’
G g i n bed , ra vi n and li h g t
—
. .
dd i t b d t d
h e a e [ t p sy , in fac t] w i h t h e ran y an d w a e r wh i c h th e o c o r t
d
a o n e e ye
-
d k d d
fe l l o w, ir ty an d dr u n d t
h ad o r ere t o b e a m i ni s e r e ”
d .
g t g pp d d
Th e fol l o wi n s ran e n o te was a en e t to th e ac co u n o f G D s . .
’
im m i i n t h N w Ri v
ers on e e er
topograph y o f t h e c ottage an d i ts r e lati on to t h e

Th e
ri v e r w i l l e xpl ai n th i s a s I h av e b e en at s o m e c o s t to h av e
,
t h e w h ol e e n gr av e d ( i n ti m e I h o p e f o r o u r n e xt n u m be r ) , , ,
as w e ll f o r t h e sa ti s fac t i o n o f t h e r e ad er as to c om m e m o rat e
s o s i gn al a d e l i v e r an c e .
Wh atever v
m ay h a e be en i nte n d ed , th e promise d il l us trati on di d no t
a pp ear . E l ia h ad a n in d u rn e r
t dt o t
fi c i on s .
”
S OM E S O NN ET S OF SI R H ILIP S YD N E Y
P .
W . Wil li am Hazl itt , th e great cri ti c .
N EWS PAP E R S T HIRT Y -

FI VE YEAR S AG O .
t
I n h is b giv s n account (m t l i k l y p tty ccurate
paper L am e a os e a re a
o n )
e f hi
o w sp pe s nexp i n Sir J
a M r e h i o f o se
er e ces . s -
s c ur
Si J m
r a M i t h t h th f Vi d i i G l li cas wh w m h
cs ac n os , e au or o n c ee a , o as uc
a buse d t th i tim f h i pp d p ta y f m th e p incipl h
a s e or s su o se a os c ro r es e
h ad p f sed t t h ti m
ro e s f t h fi t F n h R vol t i n
a e I e ol tt r e rs re c e u o . n a e e
o M n i g d t d 1 8 01 L m b i n f th e p o Aui di d
t an n , a e m h im t h t , a or s a o r r on e
5 1 3 A PP EN D I X
l as tSaturday o f th e worl d s negl ec t an d wi th i t th e fo un tain o f h is ’
,
pun s was c h oked u p for ever He adds I wi l l c l ose my l ette r w i th .

”
,
an e pi gram o Mac i nto sh th e Vi nd ici ae G al li cw m an wh o h as got a ”

,
n , , .
pl ac e at l ast ; one of th e l ast I d id for th e Albion 7 -
r l
7
Th ou gh ke Judas an apo state b l ac k;

’
t h o u rt , l i ,
‘
I n th e rese m bl an c e o n e th i n g th e n dost l ac k ;
W h en h e h ad gotte n h i s i l l pu rc h sed p el f -
a ,
He w e n t aw ay an d wi s el y h an ge d h i m s e l f
, .
Th is th en m ay st d o at l ast ; ye t mu c h I dou bt
’
,
I f th ou h ast an y B o wels to gush o ut

”
.
Th is was , no do bt u , th e
“
l uc y k e pi gram s poken o f i n th e E ssay .
B ARRE NNE S S OF T HE IM A G IN A T IV E FA CULTY IN T HE

PRO D UC TI O N S OF MO D E RN ART .
Th e m o ern ar i s d t t poken of o n page 295 was Joh n Mart in

s , wh o se
pic tu re of B ’
e l s h az z ar s Feas t i s wel l kn own .
T HE WE DD ING .
A d mi ral w as po ssi bl y A dmiral Burn ey ,

a wh i s t pl-
ay i n g fri e nd
f L mb
’
—
o a s .
Th e “
M i ss pp eared as th e Mis s Turners i n th e o ri gi n al
T s a
'
,
”
Essay O n e cann ot h e l p r em ark i n g th at if E mil y was m ar ri e d at

.
,
nin ete e n an d h ad b ee n e n gaged fo r fi ve y e ar s sh e m us t h ave be e n

,
betr o th e d at rat h er an earl y ag e at t h e same age to o th at R o sam u nd — ,
, ,
Gray f e l l i n l ove with A l l an Cl are .
REJ O ICING S UPO N THE N EW Y E AR S COMIN G OF

’
AG E .
A f ew w o r s o f d e xpl an a tion m ay r en der th e mean i g n of th i s E s s ay
mor e i ntel l i i l e gb .
port d k th rowin g
J
Th e c rue l s c al l e coc -
was fo r m erl y co mm o n o n
Sh r o ve Tu esda y .
t d
I 18 sai th e ou n dh ea R ds ce l b t d th e ra e e ann i v e r sary o f Ch ar l es
th e
t x
Fi 1 s s e e c u t io n b y h a i n v g lf h d a ca 8 ea fo r di nn er e v e ry Th i r ti eth o
f
Restorati o n i t was c us to mary to wear sp rigs o f oak an d
Af t e r th e , ,
to d eco rate h o u se s wi th oak bran ch e s o n t h e Twenty n i n th f Ma y ,

-
o ,
Ch arl e s th e Se c o n d s bi rth day i n c mm e m o ratio n o f h i s escape f o m th e

’
, o r
Parl i am en tary tro o p s by c l im bing i to B o sc obe l o ak tr ee n -

.
G eorge th e Fo u rth was born Aug ust 12th b u t his bir th da was ke pt on
y ,
Ap r i l 23 r d S t , . Geo rge 8 D ay .
5 20 A PP END I X
D E A T H BE D A -
.
T h i to h i ng l tte w
s uc w it te n t M
e r H C R bin n of th
as r o r. . . o so , c
T m pl
e T h e dy i g f i d w
e. M R b t N i
n r en I n th
asi gi l r. o er o rr s . e or na
l tt
e L mb
er , ll h im
a th
ca l t l i nk th t b
s
“
d m t th T mpl
e as a ou n e o e e e
h e was l ib i th ) Th n m f M N i
i a r an er e . d f ew a e o r. o rr e s
’
ea son af
Ri h d n t R o b t ;
c ar , o d C h l ey
er t d f
an J my i th l ette
ar s an s or e ni n e r
LO N D O N : PR I N T E D BY W I LL I A M C LO WES A N D S O NS , LI M IT E D .

The Essays o F Elia by Charles Lamp

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T HE ESSAYS O F ELIA

G . B ELL AND S O NS , LTD .

the Last Essays o f Elia fo ll o we d in 1833 Th e ch ie f alterations

Charles Lamb made in h is prose writings w ere in th e way o f

carefully even ruthlessly relieved o f all redundancies S om e

reaso ns an d these are re stored in the present edition with a fe w

characteristic notes which although they m ay have seemed to

Lamb to o tri ﬂing t o stand in h is c olle cted Es says will be extremely

interes ti ng t o every lover o f Elia Th e other suppressed passages

h ave as a rule been give n in the Appendix

excep tion i s in the Essay o n Bo ok s and Reading To these

p a s sag es o f bio gra

the restored passages have been enclosed in brackets .

Th e section entitled Eliana consists of pap ers contributed t o

A COMPLA IN T O F T HE DECA Y O F B E G G A R S I N TH E M E TRO

R E J O I C ING S UPON THE N Ew YE A R S COMI NG OF AG E ’

CONFESS ION S OF A DRU N KA R D

THE G ENTLE G IANT ESS .

ES T IMA T E O F D E FOE S SE CO N D A R Y NO VELS

EL I A ON HI S CONF ESS ION S OF A D RU N K A R D

O the clearness with which th e y reveal the a uthor s ’

ha bits opi nions and history We ar e told about E lia s

school days E lia s fri en ds (almost t h e whole a l phabet o f

capital letters comes in t o r e p r e s e n t them ) and E lia s rela

ti ons We are informed W h at books he li k ed best and

what dish he con s i dere d most deli cious p r i ncep a obso m o “ -

rwm . W e are let into so me o f h i s weakn esse s t hat he

a very inte resting life might be co mpil e d fr om them alone .

L am b drew largely o n his own history fo r the material o f

w riting an autobiog r aphy and were bound t o b e s tr i c t l y

truthful and authen t ic H e modiﬁed an d t r an s fo r m e d h i s

experiences so as to produ ce a good artistic e ffect An d .

the Re ade r will often b e puzz led to de t erm ine whether a

to this volume an attempt has bee n made to show w hat

It has also been thought that a slight outline o f Lamb s .

history by revealing some o f the many beauties and some

also o f the weakn esses o f his character w uld bring the ,

reader into closer sympathy wi t h Elia and enhan ce his plea ,

sure i n p erusi ng the E ssays With this Object the following

desire further information about this charmi n g write r and ,

no less charming man may turn to the R ecollections o f ,

Lamb s friend Mr Procter ; or may spe n d a pleasant hour

in l istening to Mr Percy F itzgerald s easy familiar chat .

The inner li fe o f Lamb his moral and intellectu al history , ,

is best told in h is own deli g htf ul correspondence .

Charles Lamb was born o n F eb r u ary l ot h 1 7 7 5 in , ,

Br o w n O fﬁce Ro w in the Temple ; and there he passed the

ﬁrst seven years o f his li fe He was the youngest child o f .

Mr J ohn Lamb a clerk in the employ o f Mr Salt o n e O f

the Benchers o f the Inner Temple Through li fe Lamb .

retained a s trong affection fo r the place where he was b o m ,

an d everything con n ected with it I ts antiquated monas .

t i c air had from childhood a deep attra ction fo r h i m He

loved its magniﬁcen t ample squares its c l as i c green

t o him the most elegant spo t in the metropolis

child he was a freq u ent visitor at a ﬁne Old mansion in

H ertford shire called G ilston Twhere his grandmother was

housek eeper I f we are justi ﬁed in receiving the touching