!

!
Seddit Q&A with Mark:
Men’s Dating Advice
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!

1
 Table of Contents
!
Introduction 4
Gradual exposure versus ‘Flooding' to overcome fear 6
No social life, anxious, no motivation - where to start? 9
How to get social and sexual confidence 11
How do you know when it’s time to commit to one girl? 13
Advice for broke college students 13
The Alpha male frame 14
What is therapeutic for you? 16
New insights regarding vulnerability since writing Models 18
Why you fail consistently with women - and how to deal with it 19
The best unconventional places to meet women 21
Women’s game 22
How to light a fire under your ass to improve 24
16 questions from one guy 27
How does being intelligent affect your dating life? 32
Will women and dating remain a big part of your life? 32
What were your greatest successes and failures as a coach? 33
My entire being has revolved around girls 34
Why do PUA coaches tell me to approach all the time? 35
What advice would you give to your son? 36
Approaching girls in college, and making strong eye contact 36
Mark’s relationship to other bloggers in the ‘manosphere' and women’s opinions
toward pickup 37
Pickup related questions 38
How to deal with living with your parents again when you’re 27 41
My father is a loser - and role models 42
How to present yourself as approachable 43
What areas of your life need to be together before you can have success with
women? 44

2
Fastest way to get rid of approach anxiety, and changes in pickup throughout
time 45
How to prevent things from sizzling out after a few dates? 46
Afraid to pass up the right girl to get ‘more experience’, taking dating advice
from girls, and entrepreneurship 46
How to proceed with colleague 48
How to stop fixating on your physical appearance 49
Mark’s favorite blogs 50
Nervousness on dates, and over-analysis of the situation 51
Desire to sleep around while in a relationship 51
Using pickup techniques to get sex and give women good experiences, but not
wanting anything more 52
Meeting girls in a foreign country with a language barrier 53
Questions about emotional connection 53
Advice specifically for college students 54
How much selfishness is healthy, and getting approval from father figures 55
How to become better in bed 56
Why romantic love evolved, do you travel to run away from something, and how
to maintain hope in the face of adversity 57
How to get to a point of deep emotional intimacy 58
How does your business operate? 59
I like a girl and she likes me too but she flakes a lot 59
How do I meet more girls? 60

3
Many people don’t know this, but I started out as a dating advice blogger for
men. I wrote my first book in 2011 and it became quite popular.
!
In 2012, a large sub-forum on reddit.com asked me to do an open Q&A on their
site. The sub-forum was specifically for men who wanted to improve their dating
lives. Below are all of the questions and answers.
!
Some of the questions are about dating and relationships. Others are about sex.
Most are about anxiety and confidence. Some are about my personal life as well.
!
You may find some of the answers relevant to your life. You may not. Either way,
enjoy.
!
Mark Manson
June 1, 2014
!
!
!
!
Introduction
!
Hey guys, it’s great to be here to do an IAMA. I’m Mark Manson, self
development blogger and veteran of writing dating advice for men since 2007.
!
When it comes to dating and pick up advice, here's what makes me different:
!
• Seduction is an emotional process, to become good at seduction is to become
an emotionally healthy individual who attains social and sexual confidence.
• I like to say if you can walk and you can talk then you can pick up a hot girl.
There's no skill to it.
• Don't believe me, then ask yourself this: Why does a first date with a hot
woman FEEL so much more complicated and stressful than dinner with a
business associate or friend of friend? When confronted with sexual situations,
a lot of our emotional baggage, our shame, our insecurities, our poor self
image, this stuff all comes roaring out of us. The skill is sorting through this
emotional garbage to free yourself up to act openly and confidently no matter
who you're with.
4
• Attraction is not about what you say or do, but about who you are. You can
have the coolest line in the world, but if you're a loser and are desperate to
impress her, you will kill any attraction. You could say the dumbest thing in the
world, but if you're a cool guy, it won't matter, in fact it will likely make her like
you even more.
• You become an attractive individual by investing in yourself rather than in the
women you are pursuing. Sex and women is a side effect of becoming an
emotionally competent and sexually confident man, not the cause of it.
• Honesty is the best policy. As is making yourself vulnerable to rejection and
judgment. As is connecting with women on an emotional level. Stop acting like
a social robot and create some goddamn romance!
• In my opinion, despite claiming to be "scientific" about its processes, PUA
completely misses the boat on science. There's decades of scientific research
on confidence, self esteem, social anxiety, conquering phobias, sexual
insecurity, dating and attraction, and PUA is sorely unaware of a large amount
of it.
• Although I still write a lot about dating, a large portion of my site these days is
dedicated to self development, self esteem, life purpose, entrepreneurship,
happiness, etc.
!
But since this is Seddit, here are some of my better dating articles to check out:
!
• Why It's So Hard: Modern Dating for Men
• My Life as a Pick Up Artist
• Power in Vulnerability
• Shut Up and Kiss Her
• Meta-Awesomeness
!
Oh, and last thing. This is the one and only open pitch I'll do the whole night.
!
I wrote a book. It's called Models: Attract Women Through Honesty. It's 350
pages, based on real psychological research, and has been called by a number of
guys around Seddit as the best book on seduction and dating for men.
!
OK, that's all. Ask away!
!
!
5
Gradual exposure versus ‘Flooding' to overcome fear
!
Q: I’ve been taking your "Approach Women" program for the past couple of
weeks and I noticed right away that your suggested techniques are different than
the standard PUA recommendation. The program has you slowing working your
way up to a full blown approach, whereas most advice in the PUA community is
simply "Just approach".
!
You briefly mention CBT in the first lesson, which caught my eye as my therapist
in high school used it to help me through my own social phobias. Upon further
research, it seems that for any fear, one can take two different, opposing
strategies:
!
• Exposure therapy - Also called systematic desensitization. Essentially a gradual
exposure to one's fear, until negative reactions are extinguished.
• Flooding - The opposite end of the spectrum: Simply "blasting through" the
fear by direct exposure.
!
However, as the Wikipedia article states, for flooding:
"There is, however, a possibility that a fear may spontaneously recur. This can be
made less likely with systematic desensitization, another form of a classical
condition procedure for the elimination of phobias."
!
So why is it that the PUA community advocates a method that has a lower
success rate than some pre-established medical research? Is it because anything
"gradual" is considered feminine while anything "sudden" is considered
masculine? Is it worth it to try and shift the PUA dialogue away from less
effective techniques? If this really is about the science of attraction, then why
not embrace the most effective technique? I know myself, personally, I would
not be able to tolerate sudden exposure as a way to overcome my anxiety. I don't
want to see others go through the same, but PUA experts still continue the
advice: "Just approach”.
!
Mark: This is a FANTASTIC question and something that's driven me crazy for
years.
!
6
As someone who personally ran over 100 bootcamps, I can tell you that the
"flooding" technique to conquer social/approach anxiety is simply not effective in
the long-run. CBT or the "exposure" method is far more reliable in the long-run
and also builds confidence and self-esteem (two things most guys in this need
more of ).
!
I think it's not taught for a few reasons:
!
1) It's hard to sell $3000 bootcamps with a pitch of "Progressively expose yourself
to your anxieties in a controlled manner over the course of weeks or months!"
!
2) The flood method is far more glamorous, and as you pointed out, considered
more masculine. There's a lot of dick-waving in this industry, and what's cooler
than a guy coming back from a weekend and bragging that he approached 54
girls?
!
(My take has always been the opposite by the way, if you have to approach 54 girls
in one weekend, then you're probably doing something WRONG!)
!
3) Sadly, most pick up and dating companies are ignorant of the science. I've
always said that the pick up industry is merely self help in disguise. It's basically
Tony Robbins, NLP, pop spirituality -- just replace "be happy" or "be successful"
with "get laid" and voila, you have the PU industry. Because of this, most of the
people selling this stuff are guys who just got laid a lot and related their own
experiences as if everyone would have the same experience.
!
For instance, I totally understand why Mystery Method gets MYSTERY laid, but
I think it's a horrible model for the majority of everyday guys to emulate.
!
If you dig into the actual science, you'll find that there are a lot of techniques like
CBT that have decades of success behind them. It's just that no one has
bothered... they were too busy pitching $3000 bootcamps.
!
Q: I hope you realize that Mystery Method isn't so much a method as it is a
structure.
!

7
Mystery Method is something EVERY guy does. Consciously or unconsciously.
It's a process that Mystery just happened to name first.
!
Open Female to male interest Male to female interest Conversation Connection
Intimacy Foreplay Last Minute Resistance Sex
!
Whether you listen to Ross Jeffries, RSD or you get your seduction tips from a
cereal box, you follow this same process. If get laid, you're pretty much doing
Mystery Method. The only reason there's a whole idea built around Mystery
Method is because Mystery was the first to write a book that details each of those
nine steps
!
The majority of the people on Reddit are too stupid to realize that Mystery
Method doesn't mean "You HAVE to use magic and my exact words to pick up
girls"
!
Mystery Method is a structure through which you convey personality. If someone
is talking about the community through their ego (like Mark Manson here) they
are missing the entire point of the community.
!
Generally it's a good idea to stay away from salesmen who try to bad mouth other
products.
!
Mark: I'm familiar with Mystery Method and it was somewhat useful for me
when I started out, but I can think of a ton of counterexamples to the structure.
!
There are a lot of flaws with MM, not the least being the "7-hour rule" and also
waiting for female-to-male interest before showing interest as a male (i.e., being
indirect).
!
And unfortunately, you can choose to ignore the tactics, but MM includes negs,
DHV's, openers, etc., etc. -- things which I believe are just really unnecessary and
over-complicate things.
!
Q: I actually wrote a post about the 7 hour rule today (for women coming over to
my place before we've spent anywhere close to 7 hours together). Can you give
more details about your thoughts on the rule?

8
!
Mark: Yeah, it's a bunch of BS. Haha...
!
Who cares how long it takes to bang a girl? If you're enjoying her company and
escalating then it shouldn't matter how long it takes. I've banged girls after 7
minutes and after 17 hours. Who cares?
!
!
No social life, anxious, no motivation - where to start?
!
Q: Hey Mark, I've known about the community for years now. I've read most of
the stuff out there and I've had my ups and downs. A few months ago I reached a
point were I became so self-aware of everything that I essentially couldn't stop
overthinking every single social interaction. This led me to a break down which
slowly made me realize that I've been depressed for a while.
!
I'm 22, still a virgin with a laughable social life. I'm a transfer student at a big
college and I reached the point where I'm spending most of my Friday nights
redditing and not doing much during the weekend. Apathy, social anxiety and an
extreme lack of motivation has gotten to me pretty hard. I wasn't always like this
though, there was a time where I approached a lot (albeit without success).
!
I've been reading your book Models and it's by far the best thing I've ever read on
the whole seduction affair (and I've read A LOT of stuff ), you seem very
insightful and I really respect your attitude towards being honest and vulnerable.
!
My question is, where should I go from here? I lack a lot of motivation right now.
I know I should start exercising but I keep putting it off. Do you think I should
focus on myself and getting better right now before taking the plunge again and
stepping back into socializing and meeting people? I honestly would love ANY
kind of advice. Thanks again man, your book is fantastic.
!
Mark: If your social life is a joke, you're depressed and you're having trouble
motivating yourself to even leave the house, then start simple and start with
yourself.
!
9
Forget about dating for the time being. You need to get to a place where you like
and respect yourself before a girl is going to like or respect you.
!
I would start with your social life. Humans are social animals by nature and we
need a certain degree of social contact to be happy and feel confident about
ourselves, no matter how introverted we are.
!
It's also a lot easier to pursue some of these solitary goals (fitness, etc.) once
you're enjoying your life a bit.
!
Since you say you're in college, the best place to start is clubs and extra-
curriculars. Get involved volunteering for groups and organizations. This will at
least get you some social contact and if you keep it up eventually lead to you
feeling better about yourself. Once that happens, you'll feel more motivated to
pursue more self-improvement activities such as working out, cleaning up your
appearance, etc.
!
Also, when the time comes that you are ready to meet girls, you'll have more
opportunities. College is all about being social and networking with people.
!
Start simple. Take it week by week. This week promise yourself you will go to one
college social event. Just go, don't hold yourself to any higher expectation than
going. Then once you've gone to a few, challenge yourself to talk to someone new
at each one. Then once you can do that, challenge yourself to ask to hang out
with someone -- not a hot girl, not the coolest kid in school, just someone.
!
Take baby steps. One problem with the avalanche of self development
information out there is that it can create highly unreasonable expectations for
ourselves and can actually make you FEEL WORSE about yourself. This sounds
like it happened to you.
!
So stop reading, start simple, achieve small goals one at a time. After a few weeks,
I guarantee you'll start feeling a lot more confident and more motivated to get out
there and live your life.
!
!

10
How to get social and sexual confidence
!
Q: ”Seduction is an emotional process, to become good at seduction is to become
an emotionally healthy individual who attains social and sexual confidence."
!
Can you give any further advice on how to attain confidence in these?
!
Mark: Yeah, like 100 pages more advice, haha. It's basically what my entire book
is about. But I can give you the summary here:
!
The reason so many men struggle with seduction is because of unrecognized
emotional traumas which cause major feelings of anxiety, shame and neediness
around women. The trick is to uncover these emotional traumas and confront
them consciously.
!
There are a variety ways of doing this. One is the psychoanalytic way, which is
more or less just introspection, either on your own or with a professional,
uncovering your past experiences, your insecurities, old feelings of being hurt,
ignored, neglected, abused, whatever, and coming to terms with them --
accepting them as part of who you are and moving on despite them.
!
Another way to go about it is through confronting these feelings through action.
The most common example of this is approach anxiety. People who suffer from
crippling approach anxiety (myself included) often have terrible social
experiences in their past (they were bullied, they were the nerd, they were
ignored, they moved a lot as a kid and had no friends, etc.).
!
Progressively pushing up against this anxiety and acting despite it in controlled
bite-sized chunks can help someone master it and install new habits and
emotional patterns on top of that anxiety.
!
In my book, there are really two defining principles which help men improve their
love lives and relationships: investing in themselves and being open and honest as
possible about their emotions to both themselves and others.
!
Investing in yourself means practicing a healthy dose of selfishness. It means self
improvement. It means giving a shit about how you look, how you sound, how

11
you appear, what you do and how good you are at it and then putting effort into it.
It's about having something to be proud of. It's about going from the position of
always having to feel you have to prove yourself to girls to being in a position
where you feel they have to prove something to you.
!
A lot of men thing this comes with sexual experience, but it doesn't. It comes
with developing a strong identity that you're proud of and building high self
esteem. Sexual experience is the side effect, not the end goal. This is incredibly
important and something that the PU industry royally botches -- even the so-
called "inner game" gurus fuck this point up. You CANNOT build long-term self
esteem through sexual experience alone. Sexual experience is not a yardstick for
personal value or success. It's just not.
!
The second is often more difficult for people. Being scared of sexual and social
situations sucks. And it's hard to confront that fear, especially if you're someone
who's always been a loner or comes from a family that never expressed their
emotions. So it's a big challenge.
!
But I encourage guys to suffer through it. If you feel nervous, tell her, "OK, I'm
kind of nervous, but you're cute and I wanted to meet you." Your mind will be
BLOWN by how often women respond positively to this. Sure they won't fuck
you, but they'll appreciate your honesty and it will actually be incredibly
encouraging -- far more encouraging that constantly feeling like you have to fake
who you are and still get rejected for it.
!
The overarching idea is this: shame and intimidation are the ultimate turn-offs for
women. All unattractive behavior is rooted in shame and intimidation. The way
you root shame and intimidation out of yourself is by exposing it, but opening
yourself up to those emotions which make you suffer and sharing them openly.
Not only will this bizarrely illicit sympathy and affection from others, but it will
build confidence in you. And I don't mean, "Yo bro, I just did my 200th
approach!" type confidence, I mean, real, deep down, guttural, in the base of your
balls, it-will-be-there-for-life-and-beyond confidence. No one will be able to touch
you. Seriously... if you become comfortable with all of your failures and
insecurities, then how can anyone ever intimidate you again? How could any girl
ever hold power over you again?
!
12
Some posts that go into even further detail:
• Power in Vulnerability
• The Pain Period
• Improving Quickly
!
!
How do you know when it’s time to commit to one girl?
!
Mark: My guideline for knowing when it's time to commit is when hooking up
with other girls makes me miss a particular girl even more. Basically, random girls
and casual sex becomes less and less rewarding until it's no longer worth it.
!
It's an emotional process and not thought out. With this girl, we dated when I was
in Brazil Feb through April. When I was here, I didn't date anyone else because I
liked her a lot and wasn't interested in other girls. Then I left for a while and
dated some other girls. But each girl I dated and even slept with would just make
me miss her more. That's when I knew it was time to commit.
!
!
Advice for broke college students
!
Q: 1. What would be the best thing for young broke college students?
!
2. How can you make a first date cheap but won't feel like a cheapskate?
!
3. People living with their parents? What is the best advice?
!
Mark: 1. Make as many friends as possible in college. Get a part-time job if
money is really an issue.
!
2. Walk in the park. Public events. Go "shopping" but don't actually buy anything.
Then there's always ice cream... it's like $4.
!
3. Move out ASAP.
!
Q: "Move out ASAP."

13
People living with friends/housemates at 30, is this the same category?
!
Mark: Depends on the roommates and situation, but being on your own at 30 will
never hurt you.
!
Q: Thank you for the reply. I used to live on my own for a while and I hated it,
that's why me and my best friends decided to move in together and it's really
great, plus it lowered my costs of living for over a half. It would be hard for me to
give it up, the house is tidy and in great condition, my room is pretty small
though. This is something I wonder about - dating wise for some time now,
although I have no experiences related to it so far. I live in UK by the way, if that
makes any difference.
!
Mark: I think it varies from situation to situation. The quality of the place and
maturity level of you guys being the biggest indicators. If you guys are still staying
up until 4AM playing XBox in your underwear and drinking beer, then it may be
time to grow up.
!
!
The Alpha male frame
!
Q: What is your opinion on the Alpha male frame? Different opinions are thrown
around in seddit.
!
Mark: 1. I think the "Alpha Male" idea is one of the dumbest and unintentionally
harmful ideas in the industry. See my thoughts in these two posts:
!
http://markmanson.net/butchering-the-alpha-male
http://markmanson.net/the-fake-alpha-males
!
Q: But what do you think about the core idea that a minority of men (for some
reason I think in terms of 20%) have sex with a majority (again, 80%) of women?
It's the same guys who are attractive to most women, and it isn't wholly about
looks? When I think of "the alpha hypothesis", this is what I think of.
!
I have your book Models on Kindle, by the way, and love it, and you even say that
high status/class is one of the biggest attractors for women. In other words,
14
women are hypergamous, and "alpha" are the guys at the top whom women are
attracted to.
!
Mark: Yeah, but this is the whole problem with the alpha ideology. People define
"being alpha" as more or less "being one of the most attractive men." So then guys
who have problems with women are told to be alpha. Then it's like, OK, what's
alpha? Well, alpha is one of the guys who fucks most of the women! That doesn't
mean anything. It's like telling people to make a lot of money you have to be
successful. How do you become successful? By making lots of money.
!
It's not helpful. There are a minority of men who are attractive to most women
and I do detail how and why those men are successful in my book.
!
My problem with the alpha male ideology is that its definition of masculinity is
antiquated and immature. Guys define it as whatever gets a man laid a lot. Well,
there are a lot of shitty ways for a man to get laid a lot. And those shitty ways
don't seem very 'alpha' to me.
!
Q: How do you define "being alpha" then?
!
I think [previous Q ] was referring to how it seems it's usually the "jocks" that get
the most and hottest women. You know, stupid loudmouth monkeys with only
one thing on their minds.. Do they fit your definition of "alpha"?
!
Mark: No they don't. I would define "being alpha" as a lack of neediness -- i.e.,
being more invested in one's own opinion of themselves than the woman's
opinion in them. Jocks develop this naturally probably because they grow up
being the most popular kids and having everyone catering to them. But their
dickhead behavior is an effect of what makes them attractive, not the cause of it.
!
Q: "But their dickhead behavior is an effect of what makes them attractive, not
the cause of it."
!
Awesome. I kind of thought that a lot of this ideology is about reversing cause and
effect. I read blogs like Heartiste's blog, and whenever a certain conversation or
response is considered alpha, it's usually only alpha because the woman is already

15
highly invested in him. Basically, hot woman throws herself at him, he shrugs her off,
ALPHA!
!
Mark: Challenge Heartiste on his definition of alpha some time. You'll get some
hilariously circular logic, followed by some high schoolish name calling and
questioning of your penis size.
!
I have no respect for that guy.
!
Q: Which is ironic because you're alpha by his definition, which is purely in terms
of quantity (notch counts) and quality (HB-scale) of women you've banged.
!
Thanks for answering all of this.
!
Mark: Yes, which is why I think those guys refer to me as a "sell out." The fact
that I'm maxed out on their metric for alphaness, yet spend all my time teaching
guys to be respectful, vulnerable and connect with women on a deep emotional
level, it causes some serious cognitive dissonance in them. It flies in the face of
their whole worldview.
!
!
What is therapeutic for you?
!
Q: Everyone has their 'therapy'. Some people talk with a loved one, some pray to
their god, etc. I personally have started seeing a professional because my issues
run deep. If it isn't too personal, what do you think is your therapy?
!
Mark: A lot of experiences in my life have been therapeutic. Professional help
has always been incredibly valuable and I still say the first time I walked into
therapy in 2006 is one of the best personal decisions I ever made (I was a
headcase!)
!
But I have ongoing therapeutic experiences in my life that help keep me grounded
and aware of whatever internal problems I may be facing:
!
1) I have two very close friends (one is actually an ex) who I feel comfortable
talking about anything and everything with, and do, on a semi-frequent basis.
16
Both of them understand me on a deep level and I trust them entirely to listen to
me without being judgmental or put off by whatever I may think or say. I also
highly value their opinions.
!
2) Traveling and living all around the world, often by myself, and often in a
country where I don't speak the language, has indirectly forced me to become a
lot more confident and self-reliant. I started doing it because I loved traveling and
adventure, but in hindsight, it's turned out to be one of the most beneficial self-
development experiences I've undertaken.
!
3) Believe it or not, blogging has been incredibly therapeutic over the years -- less
the comments and feedback than just the act of writing it out and getting it onto
the screen. A number of my most famous posts have been inspired by feelings or
uneasiness percolating inside of me for days or weeks beforehand. Sitting down
and writing them up forces me to crystallize them and deal with the emotions
consciously.
!
4) As great as rampant casual sex with hot girls is, having a healthy relationship
with a great girlfriend is one of the most psychologically beneficial experiences
I've ever had. Totally does not get enough credit in this industry. And I know this
totally sounds gay, but being loved by someone you admire really can be healing
and better than the best sex in the world many times over.
!
Q: I want to highlight point number 3). When I was dumped by my ex the best
thing I did for myself was writing all my thoughts and emotions down, kind of like
a diary. I think I sat down 5-6 times and wrote over a course of maybe two
months, and after every damn sitting I felt so much better. It forces you to think
about how you feel and label it with words. Words are sometimes so lacking when
it comes to emotions, but when you can describe how you feel in words, atleast
for me, it's so much easier to deal with. I highly suggest diary-like writing as a way
of therapy those lonely nights
!
Mark: Yes, journaling is great. A lot of self help techniques haven't lived up
under empirical research but journaling and keeping a diary is one of the few
things that has.
!
!
17
New insights regarding vulnerability since writing
Models
!
Q: Mark, thanks for doing this. I read your book recently and found it to be the
best book I've read in some time. Honestly, it spoke to me intuitively and lifted
the huge burden of over thinking. In addition, I am big fan of your conclusion that
vulnerability is the antithesis of neediness. Would you speak a little more to that
conclusion now that it's been as few years since your wrote models? Any new
insight in regard to it?
!
Mark: It's been about a year and a half since I wrote Models and I would say, if
anything, my experiences since then have only solidified my belief in the power of
vulnerability since then.
!
It seems that as time goes on, the less inhibited I become, the more open and
forthright I become, the less things bother me, and the more people (men and
women) seem to gravitate towards me.
!
As far as new insight, I don't think so. I just think I have a better grasp of the ideas
now since I've lived them out for longer. I think it's really important to
understand that being vulnerable and sharing yourself authentically needs to be
done FOR YOU. I still see guys on my forum and in emails getting into
vulnerability and being open and treating it as another tactic -- sometimes they
don't even realize it too. They think they're being honest with themselves, but
their not.
!
I also honestly think a healthy variety of life experience, dating/social and
otherwise, is so incredibly valuable. I mean, honestly, get out there and do
something, anything. If you're going to keep bitching out on approaching or if
you're sick of reading ebooks and not doing anything, well, go do something. I
don't care what. Draw a picture, learn to ice skate, take a road trip with your best
friend, visit a casino, take a trip to Mexico.
!
Knowledge is great. Self knowledge is better. But both are useless without being
balanced out by a healthy diversity of life experiences.
!
!
18
Why you fail consistently with women - and how to
deal with it
!
Q: If I'm consistently failing how do I figure out what I'm doing wrong?
!
For someone who hasn't had much consistent success with women to deal with
failure in a healthy way, how do I overcome the frustration of not getting the
results I feel I deserve?
!
Especially since frustration often turns into neediness (since what you want
becomes so elusive) or anger (either inwardly or outwardly directed), both of
which only intensify the problem further.
!
The consistent failure's just made me feel like shit because it annoys me that I
can't figure this out, even though I'm a normal, social, self-aware person.
!
I've decided to stop cold-approaching altogether for a month or two, recollect,
and focus on myself. The alone time's made me quite happy.
!
But when I go back to this, and I still don't get any results, how do I figure out
what to fix? How do I maintain that chipper vibe, that core non-needy
indifference (or rather, unconditionality) that's necessary for a woman to like you?
Hell, even as I write this I can already sense the seeds of a "learned helplessness"
attitude.
!
Mark: If you can approach but get rejected a lot or can't hold a conversation,
then it's some combination of your appearance/presentation and your
conversational ability (a good gauge of the latter is how well you can hold a
conversation with a guy you don't know; if you can do that then it's probably your
presentation putting women off ).
!
If you can approach and have conversations but never get any interest, then
you're not generating any attraction. That can also be appearance/presentation,
but more often than not it's because the guy has some major sexual/self-esteem
hang ups. Either he's trying way too hard to attract her (entertainer mindset, way
too inauthentic), or he's scared to death of his sexuality and not expressing it at
all, i.e., Nice Guy Syndrome.
19
!
If he can get women sexually interested but they always flake, it means that he's
coming off as inauthentic and not genuine in his interactions and he needs to
connect with women more as individuals.
!
If girls don't flake but things just never go anywhere then the guy is not physically
escalating and probably has some sexual anxiety.
!
If he physically escalates but the girls put up a ton of resistance and kind of freak
out, then he's once again treating them like a piece of meat and not as individuals
with some respect and dignity. A lot of women in the world are down for casual
sex at the drop of a hat, but every woman needs to feel like the guy she's sleeping
with at least respects her. Unless she's inexperienced, you should never get
resistance to sex. Ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
!
Q: Thank you, Mark. Your step-wise break-down is helpful. I have a follow-up:
!
Could you elaborate on each of these mistakes: "Either he's trying way too hard to
attract her (entertainer mindset, way too inauthentic), or he's scared to death of
his sexuality and not expressing it at all, i.e., Nice Guy Syndrome."
!
I feel authentic in that I'm genuinely curious about finding something about the
girl that is interesting to me beyond her looks before I get her number. But, lately,
all the girls I talk to are in such a hurry from the get-go that I don't even get the
chance to connect more. When a girl is interested, I know she will give you time,
so I'm unsure why my vibe is off-putting. Any thoughts? I know it's tough to
answer this since you haven't seen at all what I'm doing. But, say, from your
coaching days what were the common pit-falls for guys with this issue?
!
Second: How would I express sexuality when I first chat-up a girl on the street,
say? I'm completely upfront about the fact that I think they're cute - need I do
anything more?
!
Mark: Why do you feel such a need to connect with them right away? Why are
you TRYING to connect with them, that kind of defeats the purpose of
connecting with them, no?
!
20
You connect with people by being open yourself first. If you go into an interaction
thinking, "I gotta get this girl way invested in me, I gotta get her to open up about
her passions and dreams and fears" then you're just going to put pressure on her
and she's going to bail. You go first. And you don't force it. You just do it casually,
as part of being who you are.
!
Second: on the street saying she's cute and asking her on a date is plenty.
!
!
The best unconventional places to meet women
!
Q: What are the best unconventional places to meet women?
!
Mark: Church. Seriously.
!
Volunteer to feed the homeless or play with orphans or some other kind of
intense community service. Usually 75/25 women to men, at least. And you're
meeting women with excellent character as well.
!
Everyone talks up coffee shops but few people ever mention ice cream shops. Go
to one downtown of a city or by a university.
!
Classes at the gym. Mostly women again. Even dumb ones like just cycling on a
stationary bike for 45 min. And of course, everyone knows Yoga is a gold mine.
!
Q: I take pole classes simply because I like aerial sports. There are tons of hot
girls in these classes, but I'm afraid to flirt with them, since they don't go to these
classes to get hit on.
!
What would you do in this situation?
!
Mark: Who says you have to flirt? Just talk to them like human beings. If they
seem friendly or curious, offer to hang out with them outside of class.
!
Seriously, what girl is ever going to reject you over talking to her in a class? You
act like you're at the Pope's funeral or something. Just talk to her!
!
21
Q: Lol@ pope's funeral
!
I was the first guy to ever take classes at one studio. Whenever I signed up for a
class, they would send out emails to everyone else in class letting them know that
there would be a guy in class, and to be prepared. One time, someone replied to
the email and said that wasn't okay with her.
!
That's why I'm afraid to ask out girls from pole class.
!
Mark: As long as you're respectful and low-key about it, it shouldn't be a
problem.
!
!
Women’s game
!
Q: Hi Mark, I find your website very helpful and I have a questions and would
like to know your thoughts on women's game.
!
• Your most memorable experience while doing pickup? And how it affected
you?
• What are your favorite movies and books? Why?
• What are the do's and don'ts of attracting alpha men and keeping them
interested?
• What are some refined ways a lady should deal with negs and insults?
• Method to best deal with unreciprocated attraction without drama (how to
reject a man's advances effectively but politely)?
• How to persevere when it gets difficult? Mental tricks? Helpful mindsets?
!
And if you don't mind answering, what made your best relationship the best
relationship? And how did it spark?
!
Mark: Wow, most memorable experience? That's tough. I had a lot of amazing
and crazy experiences. But I would say a threesome I had in Argentina in 2008.
Both just the act of having it, but also how unexpected it was. Won't forget that
one ever.
!
22
Most influential experience was probably when I watched my drunk friend walk
around asking girls on the street if he could pee in their butt and then going home
with a girl from it. I wrote about the experience in my book. At the time, it
completely blew my mind and made me question absolutely everything I had read
or what people had told me was possible.
!
Favorite movie is American Beauty. Favorite fiction book is The Corrections by
Jonathan Franzen. Both are portraits of American families. Both are
psychological in nature. Both prominently feature themes of death and
redemption. Both are beautifully done.
!
A lot is made about women's looks (which definitely make everything easier), but
at the root of it, it's the same: it's all about how you make the guy feel. If you
make him feel good, then he'll want to be around you. If you annoy him, bother
him, pester him, then he won't want to be around you. Since you say "alpha" I
guess you mean strong guys who stand up for themselves, so this means no
games, no bullshit. This doesn't necessarily throwing yourself out there, but it
means having a bright and positive attitude. I love a hot body as much as the next
guy, but girls who are emotionally expressive, passionate, excited, and have really
positive attitudes are sexier than all hell.
!
Tell him that you don't like to be insulted or teased. If he does it again then
excuse yourself... if he's annoying and follows you, you can always use the good
ole bathroom excuse.
!
Thank him for showing interest in you but politely tell him you aren't looking or
that you're not available. For instance, "Hey, thanks for coming and talking to me,
but I'm not really here to meet anybody tonight. I'm just going to have a drink
with my friend. I hope you have a nice night."
!
For men, it's largely an issue of pride. For us we have to work up a lot of nerve
and courage to come talk to you, so when you shut us down we feel like our effort
is going unappreciated. Stroking their ego never hurts either... If they start to be
dicks about it, then you need to be more stern. Try not to be bitchy or cop a big
attitude about it, as that just makes it worse. Just reiterate: "No, I'm not available.
No. Sorry, but no." If he's a REAL shithead, then it's time to find a bathroom or

23
pretend like you're meeting someone. I really sympathize with girls on this one,
some guys are real asshats.
!
Not sure what you mean by "difficult". Helpful mindset is that if you have a bunch
of shitty interactions, it means that those guys did not align with your values and
your standards as a person and that you're better off without them. It's all a
numbers game, for both men and women, and it's important to never forget that
what's important is your own emotional needs and values and not to cave or settle
because of some social pressures or some pissy guy/girl guilt tripping you.
!
Q: Sorry I wasn't being specific at all. I meant daygame difficulties, such as the
occasional AA, laziness, and dealing with negative self talk. It's very tempting to
give up on those days you wake up and just feel like crap and want to hide from
the world. How do you keep going when the going gets tough?
!
Mark: If I feel like crap or feel lazy or am feeling negative then I don't approach. I
don't approach unless I'm in a good mood. Part of this is pragmatic: my results
are far better when I'm feeling great. But part of it is mood. My belief is that
dating is something that should be fun and the goal is to have fun and be happy. If
I'm feeling lazy or negative then why would I force myself to pursue someone I
don't want to pursue? It goes against my ultimate goals.
!
Treating PU as some quantifiable goal that you must do in spite of your emotional
state is to objectify your emotional relationships and interactions. The best
interactions happen organically, and they are organic because they are motivated
by emotion, not some intellectual goal or pursuit.
!
Our culture is so hung up on goal-setting and quantifiable achievement that we
lost sight of the simple joy of talking to people for no other reason than to talk to
them. Living in another culture for an extended period of time is great to show
you this.
!
!
How to light a fire under your ass to improve
!
Q: Hey Mark, I've only started reading your blog a few months ago and have just
recently finished reading Models (anyone on Seddit should pick this up, really
24
great book) and I've figured out that I'm just not happy with my life right now. I
don't believe I'm depressed, but I'm definitely just content with where I am in life
right now and because I constantly compare myself to who I could be, I sure as
hell am not happy.
!
I guess my main question is how did you "light a fire" under your ass all those
years ago?
!
I ask that because I'm a freshman in college and honestly I'm not living the life I
want. I constantly feel like I'm missing something, but I think that's just me
rationalizing my lack of action which I think is my biggest flaw. I've read so much
theory it's stupid and has become a negative because I've realized I can still be
quite nervous with women. But it extends beyond that, I don't really know what I
want in life, I'm still figuring out my identity - I don't know what type of man I
want to become.
!
I hate the term "pussification" since I think it insinuates a lot of negative sexist
ideas on both genders but I am a sensitive type of guy and that stems from my
childhood. I have a lack of passion and willpower in my life right now with my
schoolwork (My first F on a test in my entire life occurred this past week and has
really prompted this change), my fitness (I'm tall but fat), and general emotional
well being (formed from my social life or lack thereof and lack of strong
emotional bonds). I want to change, I really do know it's baby steps and taking
things day by day but that self help idea has been percolating in my mind since
the start of summer and I still haven't done a thing. I worry if I don't change soon,
I'm going to fuck myself over for the long run. I know I'm just vomiting my
emotions and insecurities right now and that I've been blessed in this life and this
is a lucky problem to have but I do really want to do something about it.
!
I know you've expressed your worry before about being seen as more than just a
man just because you've been inside a lot of different women as you're just a
pretty young guy whose had an interesting life. However, I really think you have
and can help a lot of young guys who are growing up in this messed up culture
that seems to hate the old idea of masculinity but also doesn't really offer a
solution (Not that women don't face fucked up issues because of Western culture,
more so than men I think). P.S. I've taken up Reddit's hatred of Atlas Shrugged,

25
even though I've never read and I see you recommend it quite a bit, what do you
think of its criticisms?
!
Mark: First of all, EVERY freshman in college is unhappy with who they are and
wants to change and is unsure of what to do or how to do it. The fact you're
feeling this stuff at your age just shows that you're well-adjusted. It'd be weird if
you didn't feel these types of things.
!
The thing that "lit a fire under my ass" was watching a friend die. That and I had
been actively avoiding my problems and potential for pretty much all of my
adolescence, so when I woke up to it, there was a lot of energy there waiting to
spill out.
!
My personal situation is not very applicable to yours. Motivation is a very
personal thing. I can't just say "read this book and become motivated," it doesn't
work like that.
!
One of my favorite posts that I wrote which unfortunately gets little attention is
called "The Do Something Principle". And the Do Something Principle states
that motivation comes from taking action, not the other way around.
!
http://markmanson.net/do-something
!
I would apply that to your situation. You've over-intellectualized and paralyzed
yourself with expectations and information. Forget all of that and go do
something. Anything. Really, just anything. Start with going for a walk. Go do it
right now. Don't read the rest of this AMA until you've gone out and walked
around for 30 minutes. Then by the end of the week come up with something you
can do that you've never done before. You're in college, so this is easy. There are
100+ organizations, groups and clubs that are always excited to take in new
freshman who have no clue what they're doing it. Get involved. Show up to a
meeting. Don't worry about being the mack daddy or being the big man on
campus, just show up. Talk to someone. Then go for another 30 minute walk.
!
There are programs you can download that limit your internet time and which
will also block or limit sites like Facebook/Reddit/Twitter for you. Download one
of these.

26
!
Once you're able to get off your ass and go do something consistently and you
find that you have more energy to try something else, then start worrying about
getting in shape. Then worry about talking to girls. Then worry about being
popular or making a ton of friends.
!
OK, now go for that walk.
!
!
16 questions from one guy
!
Q:
1. What if your true/genuine self wants to do bad habits? When do you listen to
your gut and when do you not?
!
2. When should you think there's something more/else you should try vs 'this is
who i am so i'll just get comfortable with that'? As in, let's say that being
super teasy and playful and whatnot works for guy A, but guy B likes a more
casual and straightforward kind of thing. Should B change to try A, or should
he stick with what he feels, as that'll make both himself and the woman
understand who he is more?
!
3. What video games do/did you play? Favorites?
!
4. Do you believe that you need to befriend a whole group to get a girl in it?
!
5. How do you feel about extra work as in going for a girl when you start to not
actually care but just want to get it in? How has this changed in you from
when you started to now?
!
6. When you were starting, did you get into any ruts? How did those go? How
was each step along the way (approaching, then dates, then sex, then
relationships, etc)?
!
7. Did changing from practicalpickup to postmasculine encourage a change
within yourself, or were you just simply writing more about things you liked
vs just things about meeting women?
27
!
8. Based on the kind of stuff you write, it seems like coaching guys would've
been really emotionally enriching but also taxing. Is that true? I.e. what good
did you get out of coaching guys (other than money), and was it worth the
cost on yourself?
!
9. What are some of your favorite books (fiction and nonfiction) and movies?
What kind of readings have given you eye opening perspectives (or kick in the
ass honesty)?
!
10. Are you generally the one to break off relationships, or are they, or just
depends? Have you regretted any of those or still miss any of them (not so
much that it's debilitating you necessarily)?
!
11. What do you feel impacted your relationship development more, breaking up
or your parents divorcing? I'm not trying to quantify these, just asking to
elaborate with your thoughts.
!
12. Have you noticed any sort of cool trend in women of certain age/location/
style who are a certain way? I'm not asking this to generalize/stereotype, just
that you've been with women of different cultures so I was just curious. I
think you've mentioned something of this before, though I don't remember.
!
13. What future books do you plan to write (or even just floating ideas without
ground yet)?
!
14. Do you keep in contact with any of the PUA people? Have you had 'feuds'
with any of them?
!
15. What are some 'rules of the world' that you have to follow? One example you
used was that how girls are on their phone all the time and there's not much
you can do.
!
16. Before you started any PUA stuff, let's say you had your book from now but in
the past, would you of the past gravitate towards it, or did you 'need' the PUA
stuff to eventually get to your views now? Did you ever used to play girls?
!
28
That's all I have for now.
!
Mark: Wow, a lot here. I'll try to do these kind of quickly since there are so many
other questions to get to.
!
1. Then change the habits. If you've recognized something as a bad habit, then
obviously you don't listen to your gut when it wants to do it. Behavior can
always be changed, although it takes effort. Your true/genuine self is
comprised of values and beliefs. And if you believe something is a bad habit,
then you shouldn't do it. Simple as that.
!
2. Eventually you reach a point with any skill or behavior where you're satisfied
with it and then you move on and focus on something else. At some point
there's diminishing returns from working on it further.
!
3. I was highly competitive online in Quake 2, Quake 3, Unreal Tournament
2003 and Halo PC. I also played a ton of Diablo 2 and Starcraft. My favorite
games of all time are (in some order): Starcraft, Final Fantasy VII, Quake 3
and Chrono Trigger.
!
4. No. You don't need to be liked by everyone, just NOT disliked by everyone.
!
5. The moment I am no longer excited to be talking to a girl I leave. No
questions asked, sometimes mid-sentence. This has changed a lot since I
started out and I actually believe this is a side-effect of what makes me so
attractive to a lot of women I meet: I'm willing to walk away the moment I
stop feeling something for her. They respect that. But yeah, in the past I used
to work my ass off for a girl, no matter how hopeless the situation I kept
trying. Every once in a while I'd get with her (and have lousy sex), but the
majority of the time it was a waste.
!
6. Yeah; I had ruts. Everyone does I think. Everyone has natural strong points
and weak points. Dates and escalating never really bothered me. Approaching
terrified me and I had all sorts of fucked up beliefs and insecurities about sex
and relationships... so in the middle I was naturally pretty decent, but it was
meeting women and actually sealing the deal that I was a mess in and it took a
lot of work to straighten myself out. I've worked with hundreds of guys and

29
 this seems to be the case with almost everybody, they have areas which
naturally don't bother then and areas where it's very hard for them.
!
7. The change from PP to PM was actually more a reflection of the changes I
had made in myself than the other way around. My blog by and large is a
manifestation of my personality and development. I reached a point where I
was far more concerned with deeper issues and greater life issues than simply
meeting and banging more women, so changing the blog and business was a
no brainer. That and I wanted to stop coaching.
!
8. Yes and yes. Coaching guys was incredibly rewarding at times and intensely
irritating at others... sometimes at the same time. It usually depended on the
student though. Coaching is a tedious job and honestly I think how much the
student gets out of coaching has 80% to do with the student and 20% to do
with the coach. But seeing guys have big breakthroughs is always amazing. I
think three of my former students are married now and have written me
about it. I've had guys send me pictures of girls they're dating or fooling
around with. One guy even sent naked pictures (girl was smoking). It's a very
cool feeling. Even just being out at a bar with a guy and having him look at me
a certain way and say, "Wait, that's it? That's all it takes? It's that easy?" I love
those moments. But unfortunately for every moment like that, there was a lot
of frustration and stress and saying/teaching the same thing over and over
and over. Ultimately I realized I didn't love coaching. I liked it. And I think I
was pretty good at it. But I wasn't passionate about it and I wasn't convinced
it was the best way I could help people. Also, the lifestyle is not very healthy.
You work nights and weekends, are always on the road, are alway stuck in
hotel rooms by yourself, all of your social interactions are either business-
related or very superficial. It got old.
!
9. I could write a page about this, so how about I give you the books that
affected my thinking the most: The Game by Strauss (obviously, wouldn't be
here right now otherwise), Atlas Shrugged by Rand (I read it when I was 18,
was exactly what I needed to read at the time), The Selfish Gene by Dawkins,
Denial of Death by Becker (mindblowing), Dabrowski's Theory of Positive
Disintegration (also mindblowing). Favorite fiction books: Infinite Jest by
David Foster Wallace, American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis, Old Man and

30
 the Sea by Hemingway, The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. Favorite
movie is American Beauty.
!
10. It depends, a lot. I've been on both sides of dumping/being dumped. Also had
mutual breakups. They all suck but being dumped is worse. I miss all of them
at times. I think once you become so close to someone, you never completely
detach yourself. I keep in touch with most of my serious ex's and am on good
terms with all of them. One of my ex's is one of my best friends. But no, I
don't regret any of my break ups. All of them were for good reasons and/or
made me stronger as a person.
!
11. Parents' divorce underlies everything. It's life-defining, in a way. The break
ups were pretty influential too, though.
!
12. Huge open-ended question. I'll just say that I love Brazilians. :)
!
13. I've got another one in the pipeline at the moment. It will be to
PostMasculine. what Models was for Practical Pickup. Tentatively titled
"Postmasculine: Redefining Success and Sex for The Next Generation of
Men". A number of agents have expressed a lot of interest and am still mulling
over pursuing a big mainstream publisher for it. Undecided at the moment.
!
14. I'm still friends with a few, although I talk to them less and less as time goes
on. As for feuds... no. I've had a number of people "call me out" and talk shit
this past year, but I don't really care and think they're just trying to get
attention for themselves. So I just move on.
!
15. Well the phone thing is more like "Rule of English-Speaking cultures." This is
another broad question that I could probably write 3,000 words on if I
thought about it enough. How about this: Not every girl is going to like you,
and that's OK.
!
16. Good question. I like to think I would have taken to it immediately. When I
set out to write Models I consciously asked myself what book I wish I had
read in 2005. I think I nailed it.
!
OK, so much for short answers.

31
!
!
How does being intelligent affect your dating life?
!
Q: How do you think being highly intelligent has influenced your dating life? Do
you think it has an impact on how you interact with women?
!
Can you think of any dating problems that come from having brains, and how
would you suggest to deal with them?
!
Personally, I feel being smart alienated me from most people in High School.
When I tried to connect with people I would try to hide my smarts. Now I've
come to accept and treasure this quality. However, it still irks me sometimes to
see some people who, apparently, are idiots, get laid more.
!
Mark: First of all, I'm extremely grateful from my intelligence, even if, like you, I
have found it isolating at times. I think that's something every smart person goes
through to some extent.
!
But one of the biggest lessons that PU has taught me, which I'm grateful for, is
that intelligence doesn't matter that much. Unfortunately, this isn't just my
opinion either, research finds little to no correlation between intelligence and
financial success or happiness.
!
As for how intelligence interacts with your dating life and how it can actually be a
hinderance, I wrote a post about this about a year and a half ago (which
apparently the formatting got screwed up somewhere along the way): http://
postmasculine.com/six-disadvantages-of-being-smart
!
!
Will women and dating remain a big part of your life?
!
Mark: To answer your question, women and dating is a major part of my lifestyle
and probably will be. I'm in a relationship at the moment and living in Brazil to be
in the same city with her, so obviously she's a big part of my life at the moment.
!
32
But even the past two years when I was single, I was still going out and going on
quite a tear. In fact, the irony is that when I stopped teaching pick up and writing
about banging girls, my results got absolutely absurd.
!
But yeah, I just love women, love sex, love the excitement of seduction, I love all
of these things more than the average man and I imagine that will never change.
!
Q: Can you elaborate on the second-last paragraph? When you stopped teahing/
writing your results got better? Do you have an explanation as to why this might
be? Would it be beneficial for guys who are finding a sticking point in their game
to just stop thinking about it and go out and forget PU for a while?
!
Mark: I think because it finally allowed me to go out and enjoy myself with 100%
no pressure or expectation for anything. Even though I had largely let go of being
a mack daddy PUA as part of my identity, when I changed the site it was like,
"wow, I'm not a PUA coach anymore... I can go out and get rejection 100 times
and no one will know or care." It felt liberating. I actually started going out LESS
and getting laid more often. It was amazing.
!
I think taking a few months off is really helpful for a lot of people, especially guys
who get a little bit obsessive with this stuff. PUA objectifies your relationships,
and if you continue objectifying them for too long then you'll seriously start to
depress yourself and harm your interactions. Checking out a while, focusing on
yourself, investing in yourself, getting comfortable just being you, it's very
healthy and useful for a lot of people.
!
Even in this AMA I've recommended 2-3 guys take 3-6 months away from PUA
to sort themselves out. It's not uncommon.
!
!
What were your greatest successes and failures as a
coach?
!
Q: Can you give an example of your greatest success as a coach? Greatest failure?
!
Mark: Greatest success story is a guy who is engaged to a girl he met on the first
night of working with me. They've been together for almost four years.
33
!
Also had a 29-year-old virgin lose his virginity 2 months after working with me.
!
Biggest failure was a guy who hired me for 10 one on one sessions over about
three weeks. He was rich and I was one of maybe five or six coaches he had hired.
He didn't listen to any of my advice, didn't do anything I said, and seemed to just
want to watch me pick up girls and live vicariously through my success. I made a
lot of money but it was awful. The guy was a nice guy at heart. But he had terrible
social skills, was immature and had so much money that he didn't really care what
happened or what he did.
!
!
My entire being has revolved around girls
!
Q: You have no idea for how much I respect the work you do, considering my
background as a Psychology major. I've been in a vicious cycle where my entire
being has revolved around girls.
!
My interests were girls from the age of 6, and it has never really improved until
recently. I've dated two girls before, not a virgin, and have had a relationship as
recently as several months ago. I'm quite low on confidence, have dealt with a
major depressive episode in the past, and am having re-emerging depression and
anxiety.
!
I don't feel like an interesting person, because my whole life has revolved around
girls. I have had a life full of a string of cases of one-itis until only recently, and
keep a mildly interesting social life. My concern is that I don't see myself as an
interesting person with stories to tell, with a life lived.
!
As an Asian-American, I come from a conserved upbringing, and so this plays
into it, but at a certain point I can't blame my background anymore and have to
man up, facing what I am. My problem is I feel undesirable to women (and on a
friend level, men) alike, because I don't feel like I have anything to offer. I feel sort
of useless and a waste of space. Any advice on what to do? I'm in good shape,
care about my fashion, and am working with organizations and labs on campus.
!
34
Mark: Sounds like you have some much deeper self esteem issues. I'd encourage
a therapist first of all. And second of all, I'd actually advise blocking out a portion
of your life -- say, six months -- and forcing yourself to disengage from women...
like, actually go celibate. Focus 100% on yourself and building a social life.
!
The emotional reality you're living in is not uncommon in PUA's, but usually only
after they've spent 2-3 years obsessing over women. Apparently, with you it's
been lifelong, even pre-PUA and PU has only made it worse or at least made it
more apparent. Chances are you got something else going on. So take six months,
stop caring about girls, challenge yourself to find something in your life that
you're proud of... proud of to the point that if no one ever knew about it but you,
you'd still be happy you did it.
!
Once you find that, you're on the right track... this is a matter of establishing your
own identity. An identity established through being loved by others is not an
identity. It's a void and it's a barely-concealed misery.
!
!
Why do PUA coaches tell me to approach all the time?
!
Q: Hello Mark, I'm kinda new to the scene, so my question might be dumb, but
anyway: Why do almost all PUA's tell - "Do approaches! Do them everyday,
anytime!" What am I supposed to do with such a pile of phone numbers? I date 3
girls now, sleep with one of them, live in not so big city - I can continue this list of
"excuses" for my not-approaching. I was astonished when some PUA said smth
like : "I was approaching at least 5 women everyday for about a year". Why?? Just
to throw away all these phone numbers?
!
Mark: Honestly, I have no idea. I agree with you. Whenever I hear a guy brag that
he approaches 20 girls a week every week, I always think, "Wow, 20 girls every
week don't like you?" In my mind, if you have to approach that much, you're
doing something wrong. And if you're counting approaches and wearing them
like a boy scout badge, you're also doing something wrong.
!
My philosophy with pick up is this: Do what makes you happy. Everything else
should be a function of that singular goal... what makes you happy.
!
35
Here's the dirty little secret of the PU industry: fucking dozens of hot girls rarely
makes anyone happy... in fact, the amount of time and effort it takes most guys to
do it is no where near the reward for it.
!
You should be able to approach when you want to. You should never feel like you
HAVE TO approach. If you're walking down the street and see a girl and think,
"Shit, I'd love to meet her!" and have no idea how or aren't able to do it. Then
yes, that's a problem.
!
But if you're walking down the street and you see a girl and think, "Shit, I've only
done 8 approaches this week. I need to do 20!" then well, you've got a problem.
!
!
What advice would you give to your son?
!
Q: Mark, If you ever have a little boy and for some reason you could only ever
offer him one piece of advice, what would that advice be?
!
Mark: Whether you know it or not, you choose what you're afraid of.
!
Q: That was surprisingly cryptic, could you expand on it a bit?
!
Mark: You are in control of the emotions which are holding you back, basically. If
you're afraid of people socially, then that's a choice you've made on some
unconscious level and you can make the choice to change/fix that. If you're afraid
to get into business or to try to make a career as a musician, these are fears that
you've chosen to have on some level and can psychologically negotiate your way
out of them.
!
!
Approaching girls in college, and making strong eye
contact
!
Q: I remember you touching on this a while back, but how does approaching go
over at college? I would like to do The Approach Women Program, so I was just
curious. Is the cold approach just plain creepy? Or is it totally viable?

36
!
And on a related note, is making strong eye contact with girls while walking
creepy? You recommend not breaking eye contact with strangers, at least until
they look away first, but eye contact that lasts seconds makes me feel like I'm
being, well, a creep. I'm pretty good about looking towards the horizon as
opposed to the ground, but I'm just unsure about this bit of advice. Doesn't it
break social norms a bit?
!
Mark: You feel like a creep because you're not comfortable expressing your
sexual intent. Tell me, when was the last time a girl called the police because a
guy made eye contact with her. Here's something else: if she doesn't like the eye
contact, she'll look away quickly. You need to get over this, and preferably start
talking to some of these girls who are staring back at you.
!
As for the approach program. It can be done in college although I recommend
that guys do it outside of college settings (i.e., classrooms, parties, etc.) if
possible.
!
!
Mark’s relationship to other bloggers in the
‘manosphere' and women’s opinions toward pickup
!
Q: How do you see yourself in relation to other bloggers in the "manosphere"?
Also, why do so many women have a negative attitude toward pickup?
!
Mark: Because pick up objectifies women and sex. They don't see the self
improvement aspect of it. They just see the toxic worship of sexual validation. On
the one hand they have a point. On the other hand they don't see it from a guy's
perspective, so I think a lot of them rush to judgment too quickly.
!
Before I created Postmasculine, I wrote a post saying that if we accept the
assumption that women WANT to be seduced and want to have sex with
incredibly attractive men, then it follows that if and when a website or movement
"gets it right" then the women will show up to validate it, often more loudly than
men do.
!
http://markmanson.net/the-litmus-test
37
!
Some guys in the manosphere have called me a "sellout" because my site now
appeals to women and has attracted a large group of supportive female readers. I
think that's a pretty fucked up way to look at it. It implies that men and women
are somehow inherently enemies and sex is something to be conquered or won
from them.
!
If I write an article that says "This is how I get laid and this is how you can get
laid too" and multiple women post saying, "Yes! This! This is what I want!" Isn't
that the ultimate seal of approval? If a website "got it right" wouldn't women
actually want to meet the guys who read it and follow it? That's how I see it and
that's starting to happen with my site.
!
I see myself as the much-needed antidote to the "manosphere". You can be manly
as fuck and bang plenty of hot women without being misogynistic and without
absolutely destroying your emotional life. That's my message and I'm sticking to
it.
!
!
Pickup related questions
!
Q: Now, I have a few questions for you:
!
1. Has the Pickup community affected the general dating scene in the US or and
Europe? If so, what have the various techniques, routines and ideas of PUAs
changed in our dating system (for example, is there an opener invented by a
PUA that most men use without knowing what Pickup is)?
!
2. I go out to sarge and have fun nearly every week. Until now, nobody has
found out I am an aspiring PUA (here in Switzerland the scene is really
unknown). What is your tip for the case a woman sees through me and finds
out I am a PUA? How would you handle the situation? And please dont
answer "dont use routines brah" - just because you have been demasked,
doesnt mean you lost.
!
3. Ever been to Switzerland? What do you think of swiss women, men? Are our
women easier or harder to game than women from the US?
38
!
4. What's a good location for a Pickup holiday? Be it Spring Break, a festival,
Ibiza, ...
!
5. Do you have any predictions to where the community is moving towards (Im
already aware of the "natural" trend)?
!
I feel like I cannot run the same game in my university (because there's the
chance I will encounter the same woman after a failed approach. Plus the danger
of rumors "this guy hit on me yesterday, be careful!") as in day / night game in the
city (I feel more anonymous there). This leads to an approach barrier (I wouldn’t
call it approach anxiety as I dont have many problems with that). What do you
think about my problem? Am I stupid for believing this?
!
Mark:
1. Surprisingly, I don't think PUA has had much effect on dating standards in
western culture. Mostly because most men don't take it seriously or they
don't take enough action on it. The principles of attraction are the same and
have been the same for thousands of years, so I don't see why a few guys with
catchy lines would change a whole lot.
!
2. Who cares? "Yeah, I'm a PUA, so what?" If you're going to do something you
should be proud of it. If you're not proud of it, then you should ask yourself
why you're doing it.
!
3. No, I haven't been to Switzerland. I have hooked up with a Swiss girl and she
was particularly beautiful and cool. But have no idea about the culture there.
Would like to go.
!
4. Ibiza actually isn't great for pick up. Most spring break locations aren't either.
The general principle is, the more famous a party vacation is, the worse it is
for pick up. I'd say go to SE Asia or South America.
!
5. The community seems pretty stubborn in its ways. The same debates (natural
vs canned; direct vs indirect) have been going on for 8+ years now. Nothing
seems to be changing except that the community is shrinking again. Most

39
 men are jumping ship and pursuing more conventional and mainstream
dating advice. I think this is probably a good thing.
!
6. Why would a girl advise someone to "be careful" because you were hitting on
them? Is it really that scary? Don't you think of the way you're approaching
girls is something you don't want people to know about, then perhaps you
should change your strategy? Just food for thought.
!
Q: Thanks for the reply. Some more questions/answers from my side:
!
1. Interesting. I agree.
!
2. You shouldn't be proud of something you have not mastered yet. I am doing it
because I want to master it. Same reason I don't tell people what Pickup
actually is. People don't understand that in order to score you need to fail -
they except you to be a 100%-scorer. You can never live up to their
expectations which means they will always look down on you. That's why.
!
3. Come and visit me!
!
4. Thanks for the info. Am I right that when going to a party location, it is better
to hit on foreign girls than local girls?
!
5. Totally, it's a good thing. Less skilled competition. More AFCs.
!
6. First part: "Players" are not wanted where I live, girls avoid them as much as
possible because they're that much afraid that they will be seen as a slut. Girls
seem to have the need to "protect each other" from players. True story bro.
Second part: Why can't I have multiple strategies? Maybe it's just something I
need to work on, it's a different type of game and I need to work my way up
there as well. My strategy for uni game would look like this: focus on
indirect / social circle game. Which means less results for more input, but
hey…
!
Mark: You seem to have a pretty objectified view of dating and women. You act
like you're mastering chess or tennis or something. These are people. Human,
emotional interactions. It's not a skill to be practiced.

40
!
I think the community shrinking is a good thing because PUA is ultimately not
very effective. It's a crutch for people who are socially stunted. It's a form of
therapy in disguise. Ideally at some point guys are able to move away from it.
!
And who's to say what women where you live want or don't want? Have you been
with so many women that you think you know what they want? You really have
no idea.
!
Q: If I watch my progress then it totally seems like a skill that improved the more
I practised... and I don't want to stop now! I will stop when I can relax and look
back how far I came.
!
I see that you are going for a more natural approach when it comes to dating/
seduction/pickup. I think beginners and intermediate users should not take the
same approach - they/we have still so much to learn!
!
Mark: Well, we disagree. But all I'll say is that the skill is not "picking up women"
the skill you're working on (without knowing it) is your own social and emotional
maturity. Best of luck to you!
!
!
How to deal with living with your parents again when
you’re 27
!
Q: I moved out of my house at 24 and was living on my own for a few years. At
27, I ran into some anxiety/confidence problems, so I quit my job and left for
Europe to straighten things out. I'm backpacking Europe for another month (3
total) and then move back home for two months before embarking on another trip
to SE Asia in February. I absolutely love travel, and it has done wonders for
rebuilding my self-confidence; but how should I deal with living with my parents
again at 27? How do I broach that subject with a fine lady? WWMMD?
!
Mark: Just make sure it's a temporary measure. Two months, you're not going to
be around enough for it to really matter anyway. The question is after SE Asia.
The idea is to line something up and get out ASAP.
!
41
I lived with my mom for a few months in 2009 and then for another couple
months at the beginning of 2011. It's kind of lame, but whatever. If it comes up I
just tell girls... usually they already know I'm only in town temporarily so it's not a
big deal.
!
Living with your parents is only a real problem if you don't have something else
planned.
!
!
My father is a loser - and role models
!
Q: My question is about my father - quite frankly he is a loser. He's a bit of a
George Costanza mixed with Lester Burnham, except has had a lot of [business]
success in life. He is someone I just can't respect or look up. He gives my
brothers and I no sense of how to be a man in the 21st century and I've had to
look elsewhere for guidance. I've tried confronting him in the least judgemental
way about his behaviour (neediness, playing the victim), even suggesting speaking
to someone about it, but he'll have none of it. Any advice?
!
Secondly, over the years who have you admired/modelled yourself on to get to
where you are now? One more thing: glad to see, from hanging around PM, that
you dig DFW and Bill Hicks. Awesome.
!
Mark: I totally feel you on the father thing. In some ways my dad is very
admirable and a great person to look up to: he's incredibly smart and successful,
but yes, emotionally he's emotionally stunted. A weird shift happened in our
relationship when I was 24 or 25 when I actually felt like I was the father in the
relationship as I was clearly more dominant and confident around him than he
was with me.
!
In a weird twist he actually read my book and then read No More Mr. Nice Guy
and actually started applying a lot of it. He's changed a bit, but at his age, I don't
think he's ever going to completely come around.
!
I think it's important to learn to respect and love your father despite his
shortcomings. Yeah, it sucks, and yeah you have a right to be a bit angry and
frustrated, but at the end of the day, he's your dad and he did the best he could
42
with what he knew. Not a perfect answer but that acceptance and forgiveness has
helped me a lot, both in my own life but also in my relationship with him.
!
The blogger I admire most is Andrew Sullivan. He's a political writer, but his
authenticity, willingness to admit when he's wrong, and unwavering pursuit of the
truth is really inspiring. He's openly gay, HIV positive, an immigrant, and at no
point does he ever try to hide these things. In fact, he's proud of them. I've always
admired that.
!
Writing-wise, I really admire DFW and Christopher Hitchens. Hitch has been a
great inspiration the last year or so, the grace in which he handled his death and
also his unwavering focus on what he believed and always being forthright with
his opinions.
!
Business-wise I haven't really modeled myself after anyone. Obviously Tim
Ferriss was a huge inspiration, but all of the IM stuff I got into and tried didn't
really work for me. My business is built on my writing and I'm really trying to do
something a bit different.
!
!
How to present yourself as approachable
!
Q: Is there any way to more or less present my self as approachable to ladies
around college/work/etc? (Besides good posture/confident look).
!
I dont want to be an "entertainer" or "sell myself" but I always feel like I'm the
one striking up conversations with the females I'm attracted to. (Maybe I only
attract the shy ones, if any at all?)
!
Mark: Dress well. Dress REALLY well. Sounds dumb, but since you said you're
new, chances are very good that you're underestimating how important it is to
dress and groom yourself.
!
Unfortunately we live in a culture in which men are expected to initiate in almost
every situation. So unless you're particularly striking, that's never going to
change. So dress well, make sure you're in really good shape, take care of yourself
(shave regularly, nice haircuts, take care of your skin, etc.) and you'll notice more
43
attention your way. Most of it will be eye contact and smiles, but you may get
approached here and there.
!
!
What areas of your life need to be together before you
can have success with women?
Q: how much of your life and what areas need to be together before you can have
success with women? It seems like I'm always trying to be better yet my success
with women is the same, which is non existent.
!
how can i build a social circle when starting from scratch (after college)?
!
what are your thoughts on IOIs?
!
When should you state/show intent in an interaction and how, particularly in
settings like clubs/organizations/classes?
!
My biggest insecurities come from my lack of experience with girls. How can i
overcome this and make the right moves?
!
Mark: There's not really a threshold for having your life together. You can be a
fuck up and pursue women successfully, you'll just end up with kind of trashy
women with low standards. You can have the coolest and most successful guy in
the world, but if he doesn't know how to pursue a woman than he'll get no results.
Lifestyle makes everything easier but it doesn't get the job done for you. It gives
you opportunities but you still have to learn how to capitalize on those
opportunities.
!
After college it's tough. Your job is the obvious place to start. If that doesn't work
then find other outside groups: intramural sports leagues, classes, networking
events, meet up groups, etc.
!
IOI's are great.
!
Whenever you feel like it (I know, really helps), but seriously you should never
feel inhibited. How is a better question. Some displays of interest are better suited
for certain situations than others. IN a club you can be highly sexual and honest
44
about your sexual interest. In other situations a simple, "Hey do you want to grab
coffee some time?" or "You seem cool/cute/interesting, what are you doing after
this?" will suffice nicely.
!
When you find a girl who likes you, be honest about your lack of experience. Not
only will she not care (in fact, many find it endearing), but you'll feel far more
comfortable, you won't feel a need to fake it until you make it. Also, realize that
there's no such thing as "the right moves". Just go for it and figure it out from
there. Also, once you get in the situation, ask her for feedback, she's your best
teacher. Not me.
!
!
Fastest way to get rid of approach anxiety, and
changes in pickup throughout time
!
Q: 1. What in your opinion is the fastest way to completely get rid of AA? Do
drugs such as MDMA really help or are they a temporary crutch?
!
2. Do you think that pickup has somehow changed since 2005, as a lot of guys
started using the same techniques? Do you think it might seriously change in the
future when almost every guy will have read one or two books on the topic?
!
Mark: 1. Fastest way to get rid of AA is by a progressive desensitization to it.
Consistency is more important than quantity. Drugs aren't effective (especially
something as chemically altering as MDMA). Studies show that drugs and
alcohol inhibit brain plasticity and the ability to adapt to new behaviors and skills.
So not only no MDMA, but no alcohol either... at least until you're able to
approach.
!
2. Pick up has changed a lot since 2005. In 2005 it was a very young industry and
The Game brought in a massive influx of new guys with new experiences. So I
think things have evolved a lot. Not to be a dick, but I read some of the advice
that was given back then and I cringe. Actually, sometimes I see something that I
wrote myself back in 2007 and it makes me laugh a bit. This industry has come a
long way very quickly, and with all due respect, the stuff Mystery and Style were
writing about at the beginning of the decade is flat out out-dated.

45
How to prevent things from sizzling out after a few
dates?
!
Q: I have a tendency to get girls who have a really good time with me for a couple
of dates, but then they stop responding. How do you keep things from fizzing out
after the first few dates?
!
Mark: $5 says you're not escalating nearly fast enough. Kiss them by halfway
through the first date. Invite them home with you by the end of the second date.
!
!
Afraid to pass up the right girl to get ‘more experience’,
taking dating advice from girls, and entrepreneurship
!
Q: Models has been a life-changer for me; I've read some pickup stuff in the past
but got too much of a weird vibe from the "coaches" to ever do much with
it(generally I'm not going to take advice from someone I don't respect). Three
questions for you:
!
1. I had zero luck in high school and the one relationship I had for most of
college ended because we were getting super serious and after a lot of
thinking I decided I couldn't see myself marrying my first girlfriend ever; I a)
had no other frame of reference as to what I like and dislike and b) thought I
would regret never being wild in my youth and whatnot. But then I got what I
thought was my wish and had a one night stand, and it was the most empty,
horrible-feeling thing. My brain is in a deadlock between "next time I have
love like that I"m not going to take it for granted" and "nah man, that one girl
just wasn't that hot; if you get into something serious again without having
enjoyed single life to its fullest you'll just be back where you were with your
first girlfriend. Basically a deep-seated fear that I'll find the right girl and pass
her over because (maybe stupidly) think I could do better or that I havent hit
"enough" experience yet, if there is such a thing. It's left me kind of paralyzed
as to what kind of relationship I want to pursue, if any. I do plan on bouncing
this off a trained therapist I've been to in the past and have already done so
with friends, but I"m curious as to what you'd say to guys with this fear given
your life experiences.

46
!
2. What do you think of dating advice given by female friends? I have a few that
always offer it but it usually flies in the face of advice given by guys. I'm
familiar with the whole "women don't actually want what they say they want"
thing but does that make all advice from them meaningless?
!
3. When you say on the PM front page that you're an entrepreneur, do you have
any business ventures outside of PM or does that completely support you?
I'm very interested in the "travel a lot, work from anywhere" sort of lifestyle
but as an actor/musician a) I'm frequently broke and b)living in certain cities
simply yields more jobs than others. If your career is partially location-
dependent like that, is there any hope of being able to travel the world like
you do and lead that kind of lifestyle? (I am planning to read Escape Plan
soon so feel free to refer to it in your answer)
!
!
Mark:
1. There's no single "right girl". You can fuck love up and you will eventually get
another chance. Trust me, I've done it a number of times. As for one night
stands, don't count on them being emotionally fulfilling any time soon, even
with really hot girls. They're a lot of fun, and they can be very validating and
provide a nice little ego boost. But they're largely empty emotional
experiences. You really have to love them as an activity in and of themselves
-- like you would love playing tennis or debating economics -- to get a thrill
out of them in the long run.
!
2. No, it's not meaningless. But just because she's a woman doesn't mean she
knows what she's talking about (And by the way, just because a guy posts and
gets read on the internet doesn't mean he knows what he's talking about
either). I'd remain open to their advice and be willing to try out stuff that
makes sense but don't outright reject it. What I've noticed with women is that
their intuition is correct but they often don't know how to explain it well. A
good example is "Just be yourself." It's a really lame piece of advice that we've
all gotten. But what they mean is "Just be PROUD of yourself; don't feel like
you have to prove anything to anyone; relax; don't be afraid of being rejected
for who you are because that just means she wasn't right for you." This is all
excellent advice, they just don't know how to enunciate it.

47
!
3. I've had other ventures in the past and done a decent amount of freelance
work and joint ventures. But these days 90% of my focus is on PM. It's really
my passion and what I want to grow. It also earns enough to support me well.
And yes, you can move around. Actually being an actor/musician is a great
way to support yourself abroad. They're two things that have opportunities in
every major global city. Huge music scenes in places like Berlin, London,
Buenos Aires, even places like Thailand. I'm actually looking into joining a
band down here in Brazil at the moment.
!
!
How to proceed with colleague
!
Q: Beautiful girl at work I really like. We had 2 lunches with coworkers. Went on
solo lunch yesterday. Had a good time, but unsure what to do next. We talked
about getting lunch again soon and cool out of work stuff. She showed me her
part time modeling gig pics, and we talked about future plans, fun stuff etc. now
do I ask her to meet me on the weekend or do I say that over the next couple
lunches? Btw talk during work is sort of limited due to he cubicles close by. Or
what should be done? Wanna date or hit it, whichever she wants....
!
Mark: Work situations are tricky. You need to be a bit more low-key. Get her out
on a non-work situation first asap. How to do that? "Hey, I'm going to a X this
weekend, you want to come?" Not rocket science. X can be anything that sounds
remotely interesting or cool.
!
Once out with her, I'd be more verbally direct than physical. If you get too
physical with women at work before knowing their level of interest you can get
yourself into a lot of trouble. I'd just tell her you like her and ask her if she'd be
interested on going on a date some time. If she says no tell her that's cool and it
won't interfere with work or your friendship.
!
Sounds kind of weak and unglamorous, but like I said, you need to be more
careful/respectful in these situations because business really don't fuck around
with sexual harassment complaints these days.
!
!
48
How to stop fixating on your physical appearance
!
Q: What would you say to someone who obsesses over their self-image
consistently? I'm someone who works out constantly (often 2x a day, 6 days a
week), tries to dress and look nice every day, and makes sure to smell good. I also
have a decent set of hobbies I enjoy doing. Yet I cannot seem to get over the
major hurdle of accepting the way I look. I dwell on the way my face looks and
have a hard time accepting that women could ever find me physically attractive or
give me the time of day.
!
Do you have any advice on how I can stop fixating on my physical appearance?
I've been told I'm not actually ugly by several people on this website, but due to
my lack of success with women I have a horribly difficult time accepting it. Any
input/previous experience that you have had dealing with others with this
problem would be greatly beneficial to me.
!
Mark: Check out the book Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. It's about
exactly this.
!
Self image issues are tricky because none of us are accurate about our how we
appear to others. Some people under-estimate themselves, some people over-
estimate themselves. Some people do both in the same day depending on the
context.
!
What underlies your problem is the belief that you're not good enough or that you
don't have something of value to offer other than being really really good-looking.
At the core of it, it's a pretty shallow value to hold.
!
The trick is to develop something in which you value, regardless of outside
validation. This could be a skill, a hobby, your ability to write poetry or helping
build a house for a homeless shelter. The point is to find and do something for
you, that has nothing to do with anybody else and that you would be proud to do
even if you lived on a desert island and no one knew your name. The big problem
with people with major self image problems is that generally everything they've
ever done it was motivated by the approval of others... that's why they're so
obsessive about their appearance. Figure out how to do something for only the
approval of yourself. This will actually be harder than it sounds, because it will

49
force you to sit down and really think about your values and what you find
important. But work at it and try a few things.
!
This kind of psychological change won't happen overnight, but it can happen over
an extended period of time.
!
Q: Thank you for the advice. I will look into figuring out hobbies that would build
inner value, though to be truthful there are not many that interest me. I guess it
has to do with seeking the validation of others as well as fundamental inner
hatred.
!
A quick second question: All your advice to me was directed towards the long
term. Is there any short term tips that can make me feel attractive/make me stop
thinking about others' approval?
!
Mark: Visualization... visualize yourself of looking like your ideal self as you walk
around. As you walk by people imagine how good looking they all think you are...
it sounds ridiculous but since the problem is all in your head, the solution is as
well.
!
!
Mark’s favorite blogs
!
Q: Would you name a few of your favorite blogs, that inspire you in turn? In the
field of dating, travel, business, etc.
!
Mark: It actually surprises people that I don't read many blogs. The only two
bloggers I read consistently are Bill Simmons (sports, could barely be called a
blogger) and Andrew Sullivan (politics). And I've been reading both of them for
7-8 years now.
!
I occasionally read Dan Andrews (TropicalMBA), Ramit Sethi, Chris Guillebeau,
and Fluentin3months.com but not often... maybe once a month each. I'm a big
fan of therawness.com but don't visit it that often either.
!
I read a lot of non-fiction books, so most of my leisurely reading is spent on that.

50
Nervousness on dates, and over-analysis of the
situation
!
Q: I tend to get into my own head when it comes to dates. I am not as free and
loose. Nervousness sets in, and while I stay genuine, I become much more quiet.
It is as if I somehow I forget how to have carefree fun. Any suggestions?
!
And sometimes when things with a chick are good, I can over analyze the
situation. I spend way too much time thinking through past events (eg. meeting
her/getting her number) and deliberate way too long about my next action. I
constantly bombard and even bother people by asking them what I should do. Not
to sound redundant but what can I do about this habit?
!
I hear great things about Brazil. Enjoy your time out there and thanks for taking
the time to do this AMA.
!
Mark: Find physical activities to do. Dancing, bowling, putt putt golf, or
whatever. Being up and physically moving around will get you out of your head.
And of course, go on a ton of dates.
!
When in doubt, go with your first reaction. The more you second guess yourself
the more you'll lose touch with the situation. Decide that you're going to live or
die by your initial gut reaction. Of course this will feel awful at first and you'll be
really nervous, but the over-analysis is a product of anxiety anyway, so you may as
well get it all out and deal with it in the first place. That's the only way you get
over it. Drop your desire for perfection. Accept that sometimes a girl's not going
to like you, and that's fine.
!
!
Desire to sleep around while in a relationship
!
Q: Mark i am in an interesting situation. I am 22 and didnt have much luck with
women for a while and only got laid twice until i was 21. I then took a trip to costa
rica got laid and got my shit together in the process. I came home and got laid
within a month with hardly much effort. Like i said i could tell i had my shit
together. Well now i am in a year long relatonship with that girl and i still have
feelings of unfinished business...like i should still fuck around but i do like her a
51
lot...will this feeling of wanting to fuck around ever go away in life? Is having that
feeling a sign that this girl is not the one.
!
Mark: As far as I can tell it never completely goes away, but it does become less
important to you as time goes on and the more invested you become in the girl.
!
You're still young. There will always be single women out there, but you only get
one first serious relationship. So see it out, stay in it as long as she makes you
happy and see where it goes.
!
!
Using pickup techniques to get sex and give women
good experiences, but not wanting anything more
!
Q: What do you think about guys like me who are good enough at PUA that we
fuck with their minds and are able to get laid often, we don't lie about our
intentions at all, but we are only interested in sex, the chase excites us and them,
the kinky sex excites us and them too. But there will never be more than a sexual
relationship, and at times if we hang around long enough it's the woman that
starts saying that she'd like to be more.
!
In a way we do provide a service, these women are hungry for adventure and
good sex, and they have it with us. And in a way we do leave them better than we
found them, since they are sexually satisfied, with fond memories of our times.
!
Any thoughts on that?
!
Mark: I cover this in my book quite extensively.
!
Manipulative and "gamey" tactics work, obviously. My argument has never been
that they don't. My argument has only been that they generate a certain type of
interaction or sexual relationship and they blur some ethical lines.
!
Generally, if you pursue women by manipulating their insecurities and playing
games with them, and do it well enough to get laid, AND enjoy it, well... good for
you. You're right, there is a population of manipulative/insecure who react very
strongly to that type of behavior. And if they enjoy it too, even better!
52
!
Where I have a real problem is when guys who pick up women this way start
claiming that this is how all guys should pick up women or that all women
respond positively to this. Because it's just not the case. I think this philosophy of
dating isn't suitable for most people's needs and in my opinion, there are sure as
hell more effective and enjoyable ways to have sex with women, even very
quickly.
!
!
Meeting girls in a foreign country with a language
barrier
!
Q: What about meeting girls when you're in a foreign country and there's a
language barrier? You mentioned this very briefly in the book…
!
Mark: Body language, physicality, lots of dancing, hand games, smiling, drawing
pictures on napkins, and of course, being good-looking helps.
!
It's an interesting experience. Very challenging.
!
!
Questions about emotional connection
!
Q: I have a series of questions about emotional connection:
!
Is emotional connection about getting people to open-up? Or is it the shared
experience of two people exchanging our deepest feelings/thoughts?
!
I've found that, deep-down, nearly everyone wants to be heard and if you ask,
most people will tell you a lot of personal stuff. But I'm not the best at making
people feel understood when they're sharing themselves with me. How can I get
better at this?
!
Lastly, I've always been good at connecting with people I like. But a lot of my
curiosity is about the negative, as opposed to positive experiences. As in, I'm
always fascinated by their fears, difficulties, challenges and insecurities more than

53
their hopes, dreams and aspirations. Is this a bad thing? My instinct is to say yes,
but right now I can't find how to concretely explain why I think so.
!
Mark: Getting people to open up is part of an emotional connection. But
honestly, it doesn't have to be this crazy depth and life-changing stories and
whatever... an emotional connection is just when two people genuinely empathize
with one another and actually feel for one another.
!
Everyone does want to be heard, understood and appreciated... more than
anything you could say. You can make people feel understood by reflecting their
thoughts and feelings back to them. So if I tell you how upset I am that my dog
peed on my leg, you can laugh and make fun of me... or you can feel bad for me
and tell me about a time your dog didn't something that pissed you off.
!
As humans we perceive the value of negative feelings and loss to be greater than
the equivalent gain... for instance, the act of losing $1000 is shown to be three
times more painful than the pleasure of winning $1000. Humans bond over our
problems because it's easy to empathize. I wouldn't worry too much about this.
As long as you're not being a debbie downer or anything.
!
!
Advice specifically for college students
!
Q: I know a couple of years ago you designed a program specifically targeted at
college students, and on that subject -
!
Having exposed yourself to a plethora of life experiences since putting it together,
if you could choose 3 ideas that you feel are worthy of being emphatically
reiterated, what would they be?
!
And on the other hand, let's say you decide to create an updated version. You, not
one to shy away from travel, have witnessed and have heard of plenty, so you feel
as though this updated version should be juicy in its presentation, particularly
where you are introducing things you have learned/picked up on. If you could
add 3 new ideas into this revised edition, what would they be?
!
Mark: Study abroad?
54
!
Yes, I've spent three years since putting that program together, but I haven't
spent three years in college.
!
College really couldn't be any simpler: network, network, network. Meet
everybody. Join every club. Go to every party you're invited to. Cold approach for
acquaintances not to pick up. You do that and plenty of opportunities will start
throwing themselves at you within a couple semesters.
!
!
How much selfishness is healthy, and getting approval
from father figures
!
Q: Two questions:
!
*How does one figure how much selfishness is healthy? Backstory: I have been
practicing putting myself first, setting boundaries and being ok with not being
liked by all. It has been the right step but I do value being a kind person, so I
would like to find a balance.
!
*I notice that I am often trying to get approval and attention of other men,
especially those who I can imagine as father figures. I noticed that happen in
Pickup and as well in any other area of my life. How could one go to the bottom
of this and what would you advice to get this need met in a more sensible way?
!
Mark: Yeah, when you find yourself being a dick, stop.
!
Very astute of you to catch this. I think this is probably extremely common in the
community but few guys notice it or cop up to it.
!
Repair and/or build a good relationship with your father as much as possible. I
realize this isn't completely possible, but one side effect of my therapy in 2006
was I started confronting my dad about a bunch of stuff and we ended up working
through a lot of baggage there. I'm still not especially close to him, but I would
say our relationship is the best it's been since I was a kid and I've noticed that's
affected my confidence in my masculinity quite a bit.
!
55
If you don't have a father or don't have a relationship with your father, then seek
out some more legitimate male role models -- teachers, relatives, bosses at work,
older friends, etc.
!
This "itch of masculinity" doesn't ever seem to completely go away but you can
definitely minimize it and turn it into a more healthy endeavor than just sticking
your penis in strange places. I'm pretty sure that the unconscious basis of my
business and my passion for this subject likely comes from my rocky past with my
father and lack of strong male role model growing up.
!
!
How to become better in bed
!
Q: Mark, your blog is life changing. My friends and I thank you for that. My
question is on the evolution of your sex life after sleeping with lots of girls.
!
I realize that personally, and it sounds like for you too, a lot of the best sex is
driven through emotion and deep connections with the girl, thats one thing.
!
But there are some man-o-shpere bloggers that claim their sex-game is off the
charts and are blowing the minds of girls the first time they bring them home. In
your opinion, is this something you learn slow through multiple short term
encounters, long term relationships, reading, etc? How does one, or how did you,
hone your bedroom game.
!
Mark: Best thing for developing a lot of comfort in the bedroom is having a
steady girlfriend or at least a steady sexual partner for months. Someone who you
can sleep with often, experiment and become really comfortable with. One night
stands are poor for developing your abilities in bed because people are so
different, the situations are so unpredictable and casual.
!
I don't give man-o-sphere bloggers much credit in general, they come off as way
too try hard, like guys trying to brag in an internet locker room. But in my
experience, fast and casual sex is rarely great (sometimes, but more often not),
one night stands are rarely great (especially if drunk), and emotionless sex is
never as good as emotional sex.
!
56
Why romantic love evolved, do you travel to run away
from something, and how to maintain hope in the face
of adversity
!
Q: Hi Mark, do you believe that romantic love was evolved as a defense
mechanism against *infidelity?
!
I took a vacation to a popular destination earlier this year and once the novelty
passed I couldn't help but feel like I didn't belong and that everyone there was
running away from something in their life. You seem to travel a lot. Is there
something you're running away from?
!
How can one maintain hope in the face of adversity?
!
Mark: I assume you mean as a defense mechanism against infidelity. The answer
is no. From what I've read and what I understand is that over our evolutionary
history, reproductive competition was primarily derived from sperm competition,
not male/male competition. What that means is that for most of human history,
fidelity was not as highly valued as it has been since the advent of agriculture and
personal property (which makes sense if you think about it). A lot of hunter-
gatherer cultures are highly promiscuous and bonobos, our closest relative, are
INSANELY promiscuous.
!
The belief is that romantic love evolved because it takes a human child so many
years to become self-sufficient. Other primates, children become self-sufficient
after a couple years, but in humans, because of our big brains, we need a solid
10-12 years before we can become self-sufficient. Therefore, the theory is that
romantic love was naturally selected to last long enough to rear a child effectively
and then out goes the flame. Neurologists have found that in most couples who
are in love, the levels of oxytocin are elevated for 3-7 years and drop off. This
would explain why.
!
Romance is awesome by the way. Another underrated thing in the industry.
!
I'd need to know where you went and how to give a better answer, but I will say
that I've grown to hate a lot of popular tourist destinations partly because of what
you wrote. For many people travel is a form of escapism from their normal every
57
day dreary lives. They go to resorts and hotels which are technically in another
country but for all intents and purposes are designed to make them as
comfortable as possible so that they can pretend to be somewhere else without
ever actually feeling different. It's kind of sick.
!
When I travel, I make a point to avoid tourist areas unless there's something I
absolutely feel I have to see (i.e., Great Wall of China or the Eiffel Tower or
something).
!
I prefer to integrate myself into the culture as much as possible. Right now I'm in
Sao Paulo, and I love it here. One of the reasons is that no tourists come here. It's
ugly. There's no beach. It's expensive. No one speaks English. But it's the heart of
Brazilian culture. It has great restaurants and nightlife. The people are educated
and friendly. And after a few weeks of Portuguese and going out I'm able to have a
thriving social life in a completely new environment here.
!
As far as am I running away from something, I wrote this post recently which
kind of touches on that topic:
!
http://markmanson.net/wanderlust
!
By believing in what you stand for.
!
!
How to get to a point of deep emotional intimacy
!
Q: Hi Mark, love your book. I have a question to ask: I know that emotional
connection is really powerful. I experienced it recently when my colleague
opened himself up and shared his story about how his girlfriend died in the
tsunami in Bali. I don't experience that often though. My question is how do you
connect to girls like that? When I talk to girls, the conversation normally flows
well enough, but I find it really hard to get to the point of emotional intimacy.
!
Mark: This is a complicated question and I've written a lot about it. But here's
the short answer: focus less on relating to facts and more on relating to feelings.
Ask people "Why?" more often. Ask women how they feel about certain things
instead of what they think about them. Share your own personal stories first.
58
How does your business operate?
!
Q: As far as your business model is concerned, how does it operate? You have a
blog and have retired from coaching, do you not want other writers/opinions/
help in your current business?
!
I'm really curious how it all connects together.
!
Mark: I still make a modest income from past projects, but the bulk comes from
PM.
!
Models sells very well these days, both on my site but also on Amazon and other
online retailers. It makes enough for me to live by itself.
!
Then I have online coaching programs for people who want to get more serious
and a book on fashion I sell as a joint venture with some French fashion
consultants. I also have my travel book which is starting to be promoted on a lot
of travel blogs and sites.
!
In the end, my blog drives most of my business, primarily through awareness and
building brand loyalty. I get a lot of traffic these days. Word-of-mouth and social
media has treated me well... including reddit, particularly seddit.
!
If 5000 people come to my site today and 10 people buy something, that's enough
money to eat, have a roof over my head and maybe take a trip to a beach
occasionally. :D
!
I think down the road I'll look into other projects again, but right now I'm
focusing 100% on PM.
!
!
I like a girl and she likes me too but she flakes a lot
!
Q: What do you do when you have a strong connection with a girl and she SAYS
she really likes you too, we have kissed alot and touched. But she flakes alot and
says she doesnt want to get close cos she is moving to another country in 1

59
month. Its the first time ive liked a girl in the same social circle so dont know how
to deal with it.
!
Mark: Unfortunately this isn't uncommon. She's afraid of getting too attached
and then getting hurt. Some women can handle it and just go for it: they figure,
"Hey, we've got a month, may as well enjoy it." Other women would rather not go
down that road.
!
Not a whole lot you can do here. Sucks. Trust me, been in a situation like this a
LOT with all my traveling.
!
Q: Yea i can imagine you must of had it too. thanks for the reply.
!
It's a shame because i really liked her and thats rare for me.
!
Mark: Food for thought: Perhaps you were able to let yourself really like this one
because she's leaving.
!
!
How do I meet more girls?
!
Q: Hey I hope I'm not too late. I am a mid 20s guy, good looking, in shape, car,
good job, nice apartment, friends, etc. I got out of a long term relationship a few
months ago and I've had trouble meeting girls since. On average in meet 10 or so
single girls a month which is not nearly enough I believe. How do I meet more
girls? I work a lot and not really a fan of meeting drunk girls at the bar.
!
Mark: If you've got all of those things you listed and you're meeting 10 single
girls a month then assuming they're attractive, the problem is not meeting more
of them, the problem is you're not doing a good job engaging and attracting them.
!
Q: Most of the girls I meet either I'm not their type or they're not my type. My
type of girl is the shy smart awkward quiet type and meeting them in the wild
(and single) has been a struggle. I'm not looking to get just laid looking for a real
thing.
!
60
Do you have a post or resource on approaching techniques to create immediate
attraction and connection?
!
Mark: Then go where the shy smart awkward type are: book clubs, indie shows,
political rallies, etc.
!
And to the approaching question, no. Just go direct. The more direct you are the
more of an emotional reaction you'll elicit (both positive or negative).

61