Professional Documents
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Lean On Me: Self-Accommodation and Teaching With Disabilities
Lean On Me: Self-Accommodation and Teaching With Disabilities
Lean On Me: Self-Accommodation and Teaching With Disabilities
On October 26, 2017, I had just parked my car on the campus of my former institution,
Indiana University-Purdue University Fort Wayne. I was walking through the parking garage,
mentally rehearsing for the basic writing class I was about to teach. Suddenly, my ankle rolled. I
pitched forward; as I fell, my arms instinctively shot out in a futile effort to protect myself. I hit
the ground hard, hitting my head in the process, and a perfect storm of injuries occurred to my
right arm, which was my dominant arm. My radial head broke off completely and was essentially
pulverized. My coronoid process—the small piece of bone that keeps the elbow in place—was
shattered; because the coronoid process could no longer do its job, my elbow dislocated,
resulting in significant ligament damage to the lower half of arm. This conglomeration of
injuries—an elbow dislocation with multiple fractures—is called the terrible triad, and believe
me when I say it is indeed terrible. An ambulance rushed me to the hospital, where the next day I
had extensive surgery. The trauma surgeon who performed the operation spoke to me
beforehand, reassuring me he would do what he could to save my elbow and avoid an elbow
replacement, while cautioning me that I had one of the most severe terrible triad injuries he had
seen. I remained calm, mostly because I was still in shock from the fall and subsequent events.
However, right before I drifted off into unconsciousness, I vividly remember thinking that one
I was correct: my life changed irrevocably when I fell, in ways I could not have
comprehended at the time. The surgeon was able to save my elbow and avoid an elbow
replacement, but my recovery was extremely difficult. I saw little to no gains in physical therapy
for months. I developed a complication called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, or CRPS, a
rare condition that can develop after a traumatic injury to a limb; CRPS causes the nervous
system to go into overdrive and interpret all stimuli as pain. Due to the CRPS, I lost what little
movement I had regained in my elbow, and other problems developed: my right shoulder froze,
leaving me unable to lift my arm to even shoulder level. I could not bend or turn my right wrist.
discolored and useless. I was left unable to bend my fingers or use my hand for anything. The
short list of things I could not do includes but is not limited to driving, dressing myself, washing
my hair, cutting food, turning a key or door knob, putting in contact lenses, grasping a pen, or
signing my name. The pain was unbearable; even a light tap or squeeze from my husband or
children was painful enough to make me scream in agony. At my lowest point, I questioned if I
Fortunately, my care was transferred to another surgeon, a hand specialist who developed
an aggressive treatment plan that included multiple surgical injections in my neck, in an attempt
to reset my central and peripheral nervous systems and put my case of CRPS into remission. I
began working with specialized physical and occupational therapists in even more intense
sessions three times a week, and two more surgeries followed. This past November, over a year
after I fell, my surgeon released me from his care. Therapy ended, and I was declared to have a
permanent, partial disability of my right arm, from shoulder to fingertips. Although I have
regained a great deal of mobility and am no longer in excruciating pain, the reality is that my arm
will never have the range of motion or strength it had before I fell. I am among the nearly 20% of
Over the past year and a half, I have struggled to come to terms with a changing identity,
sense of self, and expectations. Today I’d like to talk with you about what this process has been
like. Specifically, I will discuss the impact of my disability on my teaching, the types of
resources I have needed and continue to need, and how I have learned to practice self-
accommodation as I continue to come to terms with the ways my life has changed over the past
18 months.
My fall and its aftermath had immediate and long-lasting consequences for my teaching,
but I want to acknowledge right now the privilege of my position, even during what has been one
university, and I had tenure. This meant that I had an abundant amount of paid sick time and a
guaranteed job to return to. Because I fell at work, Worker’s Compensation paid for all of my
care; although I had health insurance through my job, the cost of my care would have been
financially disastrous for my family. The first 24 hours of my care—the ambulance ride, the five
hours in the ER, and the six hours in surgery and recovery—cost over $45,000. I suspect that the
total bill for my care over 12 months was close to a million dollars. Even with my health
insurance, it would have ruined me financially. If I had been an adjunct, with no health
insurance, there is no doubt I would have had to declare bankruptcy. But I was not an adjunct—I
was a tenured associate professor, with a great deal of sick time, supportive colleagues, and a
caring chair. All of these factors were critical resources as I adjusted to my new reality. By the
end of the day that I fell, my chair had arranged coverage of my face-to-face classes, and I had
short conversations with the instructors who took over my classes that weekend. I continued to
teach the online portion of my hybrid course for the remainder of the fall semester.
“Disability and eLearning: Opportunities and Barriers,” Mike Kent writes, “Accessible
eLearning provides a number of affordances to students and also teaching staff with disabilities.”
Chief among these are disclosure, accessibility, and flexibility, according to Kent, and my
experiences reinforce their importance. Teaching online meant that I could disclose to students
the story of my injuries at a time and place of my choosing—or not at all. It was important to me
to disclose to my students what I was going through last year; the impact of the injury was so all-
encompassing that it felt impossible not to acknowledge it. But, as Robert C. Anderson writes in
“Teaching (with) Disability: Pedagogies of Lived Experience,” “[I]ntroducing one's body into
the classroom requires a deepened level of reflexivity. This journey negotiates personal and
vulnerable spaces. The teacher with a body marked as different (disabled, gay, pregnant) is
keenly aware of embodiment in the classroom” (374). I too was keenly aware of my embodiment
on the rare occasions I was able to leave my home for something other than therapy; I often felt
as if I had a six-foot bubble around me, as no one would come closer. It’s a disturbing feeling to
walk through a store and see everyone clear out and avoid making eye contact—or even worse,
send pitying glances before quickly looking away. I did not want to experience that in a
classroom settling.
Pedagogy: Mediations on Writing and Disability,” Brenda Bruggemann writes “Standing in front
of a new class, each and every time, I feel the burden of representation” (318). Given the
circumstances I was thrust into last year—a disabling injury whose extent was unclear at the
time, a shifting identity, and very real pain and grief—I wasn’t ready for that burden. I wasn’t
ready to navigate the vulnerable terrain of embodiment. I did not want to become a spectacle in
my own classroom, as happened when I when out in public, or to be asked repeatedly about my
arm and recovery at a moment when I had no idea if I would ever be able to use my arm again. It
was a relief to teach online and have a choice in what to tell my students, rather than having my
disability announce itself with the presence of a giant brace or a swollen, scarred, and misshapen
arm. Online teaching allowed my pedagogy, not my disability, to be front and center, and I took
refuge in that.
Regarding accessibility, Kent writes, “Learning material that is made available online can
have far more options for accessibility than analogue content.” Kent is referring to students here,
but his words can hold true for instructors and certainly apply to my case. I couldn’t use a
computer, due to my injury; my arm was in a brace that went from my shoulder to my wrist, and
I couldn’t turn my wrist enough to type with my right hand. But my phone allowed me to dictate
or type somewhat easily with only my left hand, and I used its apps to email students and work
within Blackboard, our course management software. While videos had always been part of my
online pedagogy, I began creating more of them since it was easier for me to record a video than
Grading was not as challenging as it could have been, because I was already a heavy user
submit work electronically for many years, and I began grading with screencasting technology
eight or nine years ago. At that time, I had been diagnosed with tendonitis in my right arm, and
programs such as Jing and Screencast-o-matic allowed me to record what I was seeing on my
computer screen and what I was saying as I responded to students’ work, instead of typing my
comments. Even after my tendonitis improved, I kept screencasting because it was better
pedagogy; my students found my comments much more clear and precise, because they could
hear my tone of voice and see exactly what I was pointing to in their drafts. Thus, at the time of
my fall, screencasting was well-integrated into my pedagogy, and my students were already used
to receiving feedback through this medium, so things simply continued as usual. If I had not
already been using digital tools in my teaching, I would have had a steep learning curve to
quickly master these resources, especially during the aftermath of a traumatic injury. The fact
that I was already a heavy user of these tools enabled me to keep teaching when I could not have
done so otherwise.
The third affordance of online courses Kent notes—flexibility—may very well have been
the most valuable for me. Given the amount of pain I was in, my lack of physical strength and
stamina, and my inability to use my right arm at all, it was impossible for me to teach face to
face for the duration of the 2017-18 academic year. Online teaching allowed me to work in short
bursts, as my energy allowed, and gave me access to the digital tools I needed as part of my
pedagogy. In a face to face class discussion, it would have been impossible for me to write down
students’ thoughts on a whiteboard or type them and project them on the screen, but online class
discussions allowed me to participate by dictating my thoughts before the pain became too great,
before the prescription painkillers and muscle relaxers caused me to fall asleep, or before I had
physical therapy. When my symptoms were at their worst, I only had 1-2 hours each day during
which I could work, and online teaching gave me the flexibility to make the most of that limited
time. I do not mean to suggest that online teaching is some sort of panacea for the needs of
disabled instructors; it is not. While online courses may be more accessible for instructors with
impairments that affect mobility, strength, and fatigue, they can be deeply inaccessible for
instructors with visual or hearing impairments, for example. Further, even if online teaching may
be more accessible to some instructors with disabilities, that does not mean it is always
accessible to that group of instructors. I am a case in point. While I found online teaching
challenging but possible for a good portion of the academic year, there came a time when
and before I fell I had already been scheduled to teach online for Spring 2018. I continued with
those plans and taught the first half of the semester, at which point my CRPS symptoms became
so severe that I was no longer capable of teaching at all. Once again, the chair of my former
department was critical, as he supported my request to go on medical leave for the second half of
the spring semester and secured instructors for my classes in less than 24 hours. The abundant
sick time I mentioned earlier became incredibly important, as I was able to have paid medical
leave because of it. My former institution’s HR department was not at all helpful throughout the
entire academic year, as they put pressure on me to return to the classroom almost immediately
after I fell and did not understand why I needed a medical leave in the spring. My chair ran
interference with HR and advocated for me at a time when I did not have the physical or
During the latter half of the spring semester, I had two surgical injections in my neck,
which improved the CRPS symptoms and eventually put them into remission, and I had two
more surgeries. I was also in physical and occupational therapy three times a week. By the time
the first summer session started, my health had improved enough that I was able to teach the six-
week class. It was difficult, as therapy took a great deal of time and energy, my stamina was still
nearly non-existent, and I was preparing to move to another state during this time. But the
allowed me to successfully complete the summer term. Doing so was an important milestone in
my recovery process, as it enabled me to envision myself as a professor once again. During last
spring semester, one of my greatest fears was that my academic career was over; I really did not
know if I would ever be able to teach or write again, and I was afraid I would have to give up the
position I had accepted at Miami University. Successfully finishing that summer course went a
In July, I began my new job as the Director of Composition at Miami, and in August I
enormous milestone in my emotional recovery—I nearly cried on the first day of class, because I
was so happy to be back in a classroom setting. However, it was also enormously challenging.
The course I was teaching was English 731, The Theory and Practice of Teaching College
Composition—the required course for all incoming TAs who teach first-year composition at
Miami. This course met every day, for four hours a day, for two weeks. The volume of reading,
grading, and preparing for each class was enormous, given the compressed schedule and the time
and labor-intensive nature of the course, and I often needed to meet with the new TAs outside of
class hours as well. Although the course ended after two weeks, fall semester began
immediately, and as those of you who administer writing programs know well, things only get
even more intense in those early days of the new academic year.
Why was this so challenging? Remember that I had been essentially homebound for
nearly eight months; I only left my house for medical appointments and very limited errands. I
was unable to drive for eight months, because I did not have the range of motion or strength
required to turn the wheel or put a car in gear. When I did resume driving in June, it was difficult
and painful; my formerly frozen shoulder ached and my right arm shook from the exertion of
holding my right hand on the steering wheel. I was not able to start my car with my right hand
until October 15, 2018—11 days shy of the first anniversary of my fall. I was on prescription
painkillers for nearly nine months; I desperately needed to take those medications so that I could
function, let alone withstand the rigors of the physical and occupational therapy. Yet those
medications, as well as the unavoidable pain I still felt, slowed down my cognitive processing
and led to a great deal of mental fog. Even after I no longer needed the painkillers and my pain
was significantly lessened, my brain often felt like it was swimming through mud as I searched
for answers to questions or struggled to explain concepts. Finally, when the class began, it had
not even been three months since my last surgery, my family and I had only been living in our
new home for six weeks, and I still had to head to physical and occupational therapy two days a
Thus, resuming a daily routine that required the ability to work for hours at a time,
improvise quickly as needed and think on my feet in a classroom, drive nearly two hours,
exercise my arm at home every day, and go to therapy twice a week was extremely challenging. I
was also helping my children adjust to life in a new state and city, with new schools, activities,
and friends. When I came home each evening, I collapsed in the easy chair and was usually
asleep within minutes. It is difficult for me to explain the amount of physical, emotional, and
mental exhaustion I felt during the months of August and September. The fall, the resultant
What I have had to learn this academic year—and what I am still in the process of
teaching and make use of the resources available to me. I refer here to Christine Miserandino’s
spoon theory, which uses spoons as metaphors for energy. She argues that people who do not
live with disabilities or chronic conditions can begin each day with an infinite amount of spoons
(energy), while people with disabilities or chronic conditions have a small number of spoons, and
they require more spoons to get through their day. I live this reality every day, as things I used to
do quickly and easily—such as getting ready for work, driving, typing, writing, and teaching—
now take at least twice as long, require a lot more effort, and/or are far more exhausting and
painful than they were before I fell. This is what disability scholars refer to as “crip time” and
what Ellen Samuels calls “broken time,” writing that crip time “requires us to break in our bodies
and minds to new rhythms, new patterns of thinking and feeling and moving through the world.”
The fewer number of spoons I now have available to me mean that I have had to develop
and use other types of resources to help me in my administrative work and face-to-face teaching,
and I will focus on those for the remainder of my talk. The digital tools I previously discussed
are important, but they cannot be my only resources. Critical in developing these resources has
Labor, Gender, and Self-Accommodation in Academia,” Sara N. Beam and Holly Clay-Buck
argue that although academics may be accustomed to accommodating the needs of their students
with disabilities, “something happens, however, in the gap between our students and ourselves
where understanding, empathy, and accommodation evaporate in the face of our own self
practice, especially for women,” adding that “it is directly at odds with America’s culture of
ruthless self-reliance and ‘toughing it out,’ with women’s perceptions of self-worth being tied to
usefulness, with expectations of female availability, and with our own (often founded) fears of
appearing ‘weak’ or less capable than male colleagues” (173). I certainly have wrestled with
these fears—and continue to do so—especially since I am in the first year of a new position;
when I started this job last summer, I had an overwhelming fear that my new department would
regret hiring me, and I felt a tremendous amount of self-imposed pressure to make sure that
didn’t happen. These fears made it even more difficult for me to ask for or accept help,
especially in those early days; as Clay-Buck writes, “I had to overcome the fear of being viewed
as a bother, difficult, or a whiner and advocate for myself the same way I would advocate for a
student” (174). I also had to learn to accept the help that was available and even offered to me
Jason Palmeri, who I have been with friends with since we were new graduate students at Ohio
State nearly 20 years ago. Jason has generously shared all of his teaching and administrative
materials as well as his time. Before I fell, I would have been reluctant to use Jason’s materials
and would have been afraid of appearing to rely on him too much; I would have felt like I needed
to go it alone, and I hated feeling like I couldn’t do everything for myself. While I still have
some of those concerns at times, the past year and a half has made its effects known here. For
months, I was completely dependent on others to meet many of my basic needs, an experience
that I found to be humbling and illuminating. It forced me to become comfortable with accepting
help and relying on others when appropriate, and it made me explore why I had such a fear of
being a burden to others. I have learned—and am still learning—that it is okay to ask for help
when I need it. That does not mean that I am over-reliant on others or not doing my job. I do not
have to constantly prove to myself that I am strong or independent, because I know that I am all
of those things; accepting a dear colleague’s help does not lessen me in any way.
again here, as I have two advanced PhD students who assist me in running the writing program.
Theirs are staggered, two-year appointments, which means that there is always one assistant who
has worked in the writing program the previous year and has a deep level of familiarity with its
demands. Thus, when I began my new role as the Director of Composition, I had an experienced
assistant named Hua Zhu on whom I could rely, as well as another assistant, Megan Schoettler,
whose mentorship I could share with Hua. Hua and Megan assisted me in all aspects of planning
the TA training course, as well as the weekly practicum meetings that occur for the duration of
the academic year, and they have taken on some of the heavy lifting in teaching those courses.
This was especially true during the two-week, TA training course, when I was so exhausted that
there were times I could barely stand in front of the class. Hua, Megan, and I were each
responsible for roughly a third of each class, but they frequently volunteered to take on tasks that
required more physical or mental energy, such as tasks that required standing at the instructor’s
computer station and circulating among our students. Though they have never said as much to
me, I know they learned to read signals that my energy levels were fading, and they would take
on a more active class role in those moments; they would also jump in when they saw me
My assistant directors have also reduced on me the greatest burden of any writing
teacher: grading. It had been my intention to read and grade all of the new TAs’ work, but I
quickly realized I was simply not capable of doing so. While I responded to the new TAs’ drafts
of major assignments and syllabi and was solely responsible for final grades, Hua and Megan
became primarily responsible for reading the daily work, such as discussion board posts and
brainstorming of assignments. They alerted me in cases when I needed to look over some ideas a
new TA had generated or answer a question directed towards me, but they greatly reduced my
grading workload and continue to do so for the weekly practicums, in which we follow the same
students? Yes. However, I have learned from talking with them about these issues that they want
to do this work, because it is part of learning how to direct a writing program and mentor new
TAs. Early in the year, Hua told me that it would not be good for me to take on the bulk of the
grading, teaching, or observing the classrooms of new TAs and that we needed to divide it
evenly, because she and Megan need to learn the work of being a WPA by actually doing that
work. They cannot learn if I do not share the workload with them. As a result, I have learned to
let go of some of my fears of exploiting their labor, and I talk openly with my assistant directors
about my limitations, such as when I’m having a bad pain day, as well as their own needs, such
as giving them time off during their candidacy exams. I know that it is an extraordinary privilege
to have not one but two TAs to assist me in this work; if I was still at my former institution, I
doubt I would have been able to become the WPA there after I fell, because I would not have had
the kinds of resources, such as assistants who shared some of the labor, that would make the
speaking openly about these issues with my students as well. As I mentioned earlier in my talk, I
did not want to do this sort of emotional work with students last year. I was still healing and in
the midst of fundamental identity shifts; at this time last year, I was grieving the loss of my
mobility, a loss whose extent was still extremely unclear, which made it even more difficult to
process. When I resumed teaching in August, I was still required to wear compression sleeves
and gloves and to use specialized braces that forced my hand and fingers to bend and stretch
multiple times a day. Given that our classes were four hours long, I had to use my braces during
class at times, and there was no way my students would not see and wonder what I was doing.
Thus, I took on “the burden of representation” Brueggemann describes and told my students
about my fall. I showed them the braces, told them I would use them as I taught, and that while
they may see me grimace or appear pained at times, they should not worry about me, because it
was nothing compared to what I had been through. While I could tell my sleeves and braces were
the objects of fascination the first few times the new TAs saw me put them on and remove them
in class, I could also observe that these items quickly became routine in the life of our classroom.
Before the end of the first week, the students no longer flinched when they heard me detach the
Velcro straps on my braces and gloves; it became as routine as the hiss of someone opening a
water bottle.
I’ve now reached a place where it feels like a responsibility, not a burden, to disclose my
disability to students. I want all students to know that people who at first glance may appear
“able-bodied” may not be. I want students—both those with disabilities and those without—to
know that being born with or acquiring a disability may change someone’s life, but it doesn’t
necessarily have to change their goals and ambitions. In short, I want to normalize disability for
them, in ways that professors such as Brenda Brueggemann and the late Kitty Locker normalized
disability and serious illness for me during my graduate work. When I was at my lowest
moments and questioned if my academic career was over, the examples of my former professors
encouraged me that it did not have to be. I disclose my disability now so that I can hopefully be
I no longer have to wear compression sleeves or use braces, and shirts and sweaters often
hide the visual evidence of my disabled arm. I don’t think most students pick up on the subtler
clues of my disability—carrying items with my left arm, eating and drinking primarily with my
left hand, and using a phone or computer for notes and taking attendance—because those actions
aren’t typically read through the lens of disability. They don’t necessarily know that I’m not left
handed, and many professors use phone apps to take attendance or utilize laptops in class. But I
still disclose my disability to students on the first day of class and talk openly about my
describes it (174). I inform students that I don’t typically answer emails in the evening, because
my body needs the evenings to recover from the demands of the day, and I am sometimes slower
to return graded work for the same reason. I am currently teaching a three-hour grad seminar,
and I’m honest with the students that my energy starts flagging at the start of the third hour;
when my brain turns to mush and I can’t remember a scholar’s name, they know why, and they
also know they’ll receive an email from me when I remember. I assign lighter reading loads
during times when I know my energy and stamina will be low, and I tell them why. This is the
essence of low-spoon teaching, according to Beam and Clay-Buck: “teaching with few units of
energy and planning ahead for low-energy days by building a classroom culture of collaboration,
Last week a student in my graduate seminar thanked me for the lighter reading load this
week and for being considerate that many of them were preparing for Cs. I told her that while I
did think of them, I also made these decisions for me, as I knew my own preparations for Cs
would deplete my energy and would most likely result in more pain, leaving me unable to
prepare as much for our class. A year ago, I would have been embarrassed to say this to her; I
would have worried about seeming like a bad professor and “less than” my colleagues. The
expectation seems to be that we should push ourselves and our students to our limits, always
doing more and more. Beam and Clay-Buck write that academics—particularly female
academics—"often feel that admitting to needing help or even just needing time to regroup is
inherently ‘weak’ (which is a problematic word to pejorative-ize in the first place) and that
deviating in any way from the script of working ourselves beyond endurance is somehow
something to be ashamed of” (177). I have certainly felt that way at times, but I also know that I
will never have the mobility or strength I had before I fell. I will never be able to work in the
same ways I did before, because I live in crip time now. That is okay—more than okay—to
admit. I still sometimes feel embarrassed to have these conversations with students, but without
exception they have been kind and generous. I hope that sharing my vulnerabilities with them
has led to a classroom environment in which they feel can be vulnerable, and I know I feel closer
to this particular group of students than I ever have by this point in a semester. My students have
On October 26, 2017, the person I was ceased to be. The fall stripped me of my identity
as an able-bodied person who did not have to depend on others and was not afraid of much of
anything. Over the past year and a half, I had to rebuild myself into a new Sara, slowly
administrator, and scholar—with my sense of self as someone who lives with a disability. I have
also had to work through the many fears I developed in the wake of the fall. There has been grief
and loss in that process, but also acceptance. I miss the person I was before I fell; I miss the ease
with which she used to move through the world and all the things she used to be able to do with
little thought or effort. But I love and respect the person I have become. I am grateful for
everything I can do now—not only the physical gains I fought so hard for in physical and
occupational therapy, but also the emotional gains I have made thanks to psychotherapy and a
deep, sustained process of self-reflection. I have learned to ask for and receive help. I know that
it’s okay to rely on others as resources, and I have become a resource for myself. I am learning to
say this is the best I can do, and that is good enough.
Works Cited
Review of Education, Pedagogy, and Cultural Studies, vol. 28, no. 3-4, 2006, pp. 367-
379.
Beam, Sara N. and Holly Clay-Buck. “Low-Spoon Teaching: Labor, Gender, and Self-
Brueggemann, Brenda Jo. “An Enabling Pedagogy: Meditations on Writing and Disability.”
Kent, Mike. “Disability and eLearning: Opportunities and Barriers.” Disability Studies
March 2019.
Miserando, Christine. “The Spoon Theory.” But You Dont Look Sick? Support for Those with
butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/.
March 2019.