CABARET CROATIA – interaktivni kabaret za angažirane i neangažirane

(autor: Berislav Cimerman, glazba Dean Premrl, osim gdje nije drugačije navedeno)

(ALEX pjeva 'Zora djevojka')

Robinja sam crne noći

Kada li ću k dragom moći?
Mladi mjesec zvijezde vodi
Oko hiže lako hodi

Srebrne mu duge kose

Nježna put i noge bose
Daruje mi alem-kopče
Vani divlji vranac topće

Daruje mi alem-kopče
Vani divlji vranac topće

Mladi mjesec gajde svira

Modre halje za me bira
Namiguje sjajnim okom
Kud ja mišlju – tu on skokom

Pa mi pjeva, pa se smije
Pa iz vrča vino pije
Pleše, mami, orah nudi
Al’ u meni zora rudi

Pleše, mami, orah nudi

Al’ u meni zora rudi

“Hajd’ u kolo”, sunce zove

S oblacima vile plove
Ja im mahnem, a konj rznu
Blijedi mjesec sad se tržnu

Gasne noć u zlatnoj mreži

Mliječnom stazom mjesec bježi
“Nisam tvoja, nađi drugu”
“Sunce i ja smo u krugu”

“Nisam tvoja, nađi drugu”

“Sunce i ja smo u krugu”
“Nisam tvoja, nađi drugu”
“Sunce i ja smo u krugu”

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ŽUSTIN: Distinguished ladies and gentlemen, admired audience and respectful
pūblicum, welcome to the Cabaret Croatia! As I can see, you have nothing better to do
tonight than to sit here, without constraint, careless, and now you are curiously expecting
the start of a - hoax! Because actors, or for that matter, people of the theatre, devoted their
lives to deceiving you. You know, they rehears, meticulously prepare, create and polish
deceptions you cannot even imagine, just to show you ‘reality’ in a way they want to.
And you, wetter knowing that or not, laugh, grieve or feel compassion with them because
you often believe in this fraud of theirs. Alas, some lies are quite big, maybe bigger than
life itself, so huge that they can destroy all the other misconceptions... Except for, maybe,
wisdom... Supposedly... But only if they are noble. All the world's a stage, and all the men
and women merely players, wrote a long time ago one of those men of the theatre. Does
that mean that we all lie? But, where does the truth lie then? Hmmm ...)

(ples, instrumental 'Neukrotiva', glazba i aranžman: Dean Premrl)

ALEX: Croatia, Hrvatska ... Welcome to, as we call it, the beautiful our homeland. Do
you feel all right? In this 'beautiful of ours'? Whatever that means ... Excellent! 'Small
country for a big vacation'... That's how we advertised it way back when ... Then there
was 'Mediterranean as it once was'... So, without electricity, no Facebook and no where to
be found those women hygienic pads with them flexi-wings ... Lovely! And, again, you
say you like it here? Of course... 'Croatia, Paradise on Earth!', that was another slogan.

ŽUSTIN: So, 'Croatia, Paradise on Earth!' It was invented back in 1997 by the wife of
the ministry of tourism at that time. It was such a coincidence, she won the contest for the
best slogan. When the scandal broke out in the media, she immediately donated the prize
money to children's charity, but it was already too late; her husband becomes a former
minister. Now we attract tourists with a line 'Croatia, full of life!'.

ALEX: Like it is some colony of bacteria. 'Full of life', (publici) you hear that? It does
wonders for your digestion. Life is blooming in your bowels. You get a free disinfector if
you book now! And, that is not all! It costs 400 thousand Euro. The slogan. Non the
disinfector. Or, something like that.

ŽUSTIN: Well, despite all those controversies, and believe me, we have those a lot, this
is just a tip of the iceberg, you people, tourists, you come over here for some 150 years.
And we... and WEEE...

ZAJEDNO: We still don't know what is wrong with you?

ŽUSTIN: Do you think that I am exaggerating?

ALEX: Do you think that I am exaggerating?
ZAJEDNO: Do you think that we exaggerating (ting, ting)?

ŽUSTIN: OK, well, let me tell you the story which happened in the late 19th century, so
you can figure out for yourself. In the north part of Croatia (namješta Acu u položaj

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'Hrvatska'), in the town by the name Virovitica, lived a Croatian writer Ksaver Šandor
Gjalski. OK, it was his alias, his real name was Ljubomil Tito Josip Franjo Babić, but
who cares, as you are going to remember it ... Or you were just this close to name your
baby 'Ljubomil', weren't you? Oh, now I see, some of you still remember Tito ... Well,
well, what can I say... Sweetie, listen to me very carefuly, I shall say this only once: write
it down.

ALEX: Which one?

ŽUSTIN: This one in a white shirt knows about Tito, (TOGETHER: ts ts ts) it has to be
sent to the Secret Service immediately after this ...

ŽUSTIN: Wow! I see some of you remember Franjo, our first president ... Well done,
that's the spirit ... Sweetie, write down him to, he'll get free massage later. Just be sure not
to mix those two lists, like that time when we were ... Anyway (počinje tiho instrumental
'Ulica lica', glazba i aranžman Dean Premrl), our writer Gjalski was working as a public
servant, a clerk, in a public administration, and one fine day, the 'žandari', they were the
version of the police in that time, brought to him three Englishmen. Original English
gentleman. Policemen informed him that those characters were very suspicious, they
were drawing some objects all around the landscape, so they figured it's best to bring
them in.

ALEX: One can never be too careful these days. Sorry, one can never be too careful way
back in the 19th century. Or, is it the same?

ŽUSTIN: But, our friend Gjalski chatted with them for a while, and he learned that they
were, actually, a tourists! Or, to be precise, pre-turists,

ALEX: ...like those one cell organisms from prehistory, Euglenas, or what's their name...

ŽUSTIN: Alas, they wanted to enjoy in untouched nature and beauties of our landscape
because they have heard about them from some friend of theirs in London who was born
over here. They wanted Robinsonian type of tourism, and what they got was the solitary
confinement! Of course, Gjalski let them go, but his boss didn't quite like it ... But, let me
not bore you more than it is absolute necessary, here's how that really happened!.

(lutke, muppett)
ALEX (podžupan): Yes, yes, all right ... we'll have those workshops about networking,
yes, right, civil initiatives, volunteers, associations of young activists and all that bullshit,
that's good, that's good, we can get some cash for that from them European founds ...
Speaking of which, when' s gonna come this Audi of mine? Ah, come on, man, I'm
braking my backs in a carriage bumping on those muddy roads here in this shit hole ...
Just a sec, I have a situation here ... Listen to me, Babić! When shit hits the fan because
of those illegal immigrants, or whatever shady characters they are, and which you
personally let out from the prison, you can count on me to add more fuel when they're

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gonna burn you ass for that. What are you, a fucking fucktard, the cops brought them to
you nicely packed like a three salami, and you let them walk!?

ŽUSTIN (Gjalski): But, sir, I really did not find any particular reason at all to keep them
in custody...

ALEX (podžupan): You 'really' did not find a ... You 'really' are an idiot! And illiterate
one, as well. Don't you read the newspapers? Obviously you don't, since you don't know
that there are demonstrations all over the Europe! How do you know that they're not
threat to national security? Or terrorists, for that matter? Or even members of that gang
that robbed the Bank of England over there in ... what's called, Scotland?

ŽUSTIN (Gjalski): I'm sorry, but the Bank of England is in London, therefore in
England, and as I said before, I did not found ...

ALEX (podžupan): Scotland, England, potato, poteto, and yet you did not find the
slightest reason ... Just for the record, I don't have anything to do with it, I am washing
my hands from it like that guy, what was his name, for the love of Christ ...

ŽUSTIN (Gjalski): Pontius.

ALEX (podžupan): That's the one! And I want to be 'Audius'! That Audi A6, two-point-
four diesel is mine, hello cous', you're still there, listen to me, like I said, I want this car to
be here ASAP, I'm not interested in fucking tax problems, I just want, I want, I want ...

(ALEX i ŽUSTIN izvode 'Tri Engleza', glazba i aranžman Dean Premrl, tekst Berislav
Cimerman)

JUSTINE: Strangest folks have come to us

With no ladies gang of three
taking photos all around
don't wanna go with all the crowd

ALEX: Englishmen and total gentlemen

from the tip to their toes
a small little bird has told to them
Croatia is the place where a real man goes

(zajedno) Ref.: Three Englishman, three Englishman

the cops after them just went insane
Bust them now all gang of three
terrorists and not them tourists.

ALEX: Our officers were scared as hell

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could them be those gang of man
who robed the bank of London
armed with whole lotta of guns and pistols

JUSTINE: They're not tourists, co-missioner shouts

a holiday in Croatia, my ass
they're strange enough all right
must have some in propriety on their mind

(zajedno) Ref.: Three Englishman, three Englishman

the cops after them just went insane
Bust them now all gang of three
terrorists and not them turists

JUSTINE: We know our business, lock 'em up now

in the interest of public safety
we will conduct investigative actions
don't you people have any doubt

ALEX: But Englishmen do not speak Croatian

Luckily here is public servant Gjalski
He talked with them in purest French
and saves us from even bigger fiasco

(zajedno) Ref.: Three Englishman, three Englishman

the cops after them just went insane
Bust them now all gang of three
terrorists and not them tourists

ALEX: Now his chief just went berserk

when he heard that no-name Gjalski
Let the Englishmen walk for free
With no prerogative official right

JUSTINE: A hundred days later a letter came by

no more or less from the English crown
The Queen Victoria herself was pleased
and prime minister too on her behalf

(zajedno) Ref.: Three Englishmen, three Englishmen

you don't mess around with a Queen
Congratulates to our Gjalski
on behalf of the English crown

ŽUSTIN: However, it turned that the two of those Englishmen were top-class lawyers,
and the third was a president of some major transcontinental ship company. In other

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words, a very distinguished gentlemen. A few months after the incident, his boss called
for Gjalski to show him a document written on a fine peace of paper with a rubber stamp.

(uz svečanu melodiju truba)

From the ministry of foreign affairs we have received a note that the Prime Ministar
Gladstone on behalf of her majesty British queen Victoria congratulates to the clerk Babić
for treating her citizens in such just and lawful manner. Our government has instructed
that the word of this commendation has to be spread nationwide.

ALEX (podžupan): My dear Babić, you have no idea how much I'm glad that everything
turned out this way. You are a helluva guy! But, I was saying that from the start, yes I
have indeed! Here, Babić, is the commendation we have received. I knew, yes I did, right
at that moment that you have done the right thing!

(ples, instrumental 'Tamo daleko', glazba i aranžman: Dean Premrl)

ŽUSTIN: And now, ladies and gentleman, it is time for a love story. You remember what
we said about illusion at the beginning... Yes? Well, some would say that the greatest
illusion of all is – love.

ALEX: Who gives a damn about theater...

ŽUSTIN: Well, despite of that, or perhaps precisely because of that, a play without love
story is like a meal without salt. Somehow doesn't taste right... Something is missing
(ALEX se pojavi, lijevo – desno, ode) So, ladies and gentleman, our love story begins in
the time when Ottoman empire, the Turks, ruled over our land. As you probably know,
long before those three Englishman, our landscape was very attractive for tourists from
Turkey, unlike today when Turkish landscapes are very attractive to our tourists. And to
everybody else, of course...

ALEX: But, I must say that those were quite peculiar tourist arrangements: for instance,
Turks came heavily armed, in large groups, mainly on horses, and every one of them
expected full inclusive service. Our folks soon realized that they will have to collaborate
with those Turkish travel agencies, simply because they gave them an offer they couldn't
refuse: if someone stood up to them, he ended up hanging from the top of some tower. Or
worse.

ŽUSTIN: And in that dramatic circumstances, (ALEX: Thank you, thank you...)
sometime in the late 16th century, our main character, local hero Stanko, saved the
daughter of the Turkish aga – aga was something like a today's European delegate from
the High Commission. On one lovely sunny day Aga's daughter, (pojavljuje se
'Ljeposava') Ljeposava was her name, was riding. She fell of a horse and snake bit her.
Our hero Stanko sucked the poisoned blood from her leg and saved her from certain
death.

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ALEX: So, we can be rather certain that Stanko passed first aid course with flying colors.

ŽUSTIN: Turkish aga wanted to reward Stanko, so he gave him a hand of his daughter
and as much money he wanted. Even though Ljeposava fell for Stanko like they clicked
on some speed date, Stanko declined aga's offer. Because it came with a small condition...

ALEX: No, aga didn't want to become friend with Stanko on Facebook or Twitter or to
share selfies with him on Instagram, (repa)

ŽUSTIN: It was all about converting Stanko to Islam.

ALEX: When we bare in mind the prize which aga offered, it is not unreasonable to
assume that today's Croatian politicians would have no problem with that, despite theirs
strong national rhetoric, since they change parties like they are socks... Even though,
when we hear nonsenses they produce, it is not entirely certain that they change theirs
socks regularly. You know what I mean, don't you?

ŽUSTIN: Anyway, Stanko refuses aga's proposal and, surprisingly enough, aga went
mad. He ordered to his guards to kill Stanko, but Ljeposava threw herself in front of them
to protect Stanko. As a reward for that, her father threw her in a dungeon.

ALEX: Sadly, none of the non-governmental organizations for prevention of domestic

violence didn't react at that time...

ŽUSTIN: So aga wanted to execute his daughter instead of Stanko. Whom, odly, he
released.

ALEX: Perhaps he was embarrassed because of his family problems.

ŽUSTIN: But Stanko, like a real hero (pojavi se lutka, igra sve što se govori) and a
Croat, decided that he must rescue his darling. But that's not all, since Stanko wanted a
set of Turkish kitchen knives, he broke in the Turkish fort and set the fire so that Croatian
troops can enter in the city. Unfortunately, he was deadly wounded during this attempt...
He died in the arms of Ljeposava... And she,

ALEX: ...unlike all other lovers in the world who know nothing about eternal truth that
today you are and maybe tomorrow you are not,

ŽUSTIN: ... she knew that they will never be parted again...

ŽUSTIN i ALEX: Jea... jea...

Ž: But show...

A: must... go on...

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(ALEX pjeva 'A njega nema...', glazba: Berislav Cimerman i Dean Premrl, tekst
Berislav Cimerman, aranžman Darko Nikolić- ZA KATE: NE TREBA PREVODITI!!!)

Sve što imam nisam nikad, nikad skrivala

Al' sam zemlju, alaj, crnu dolje gledala
Nisam, alaj, nisam rekla, niti jednu riječ
Kad je, alaj, ispred mene na put stao on

Sve smo znali, alaj, jesmo, k'o da sanjamo

A ja sam se, alaj, s njime, opet rodila
Kad me prvim dahom svojim napojio on
Tad se, alaj, čuo pravi srca moga pjev

Ref.: A njega nema...

Nisu sati, nisu dani, nisu ni godine

Što od mene, alaj, sada rade robinju
Samo rana moje duše, alaj, nesretne
Jer mi njega život dadne pa ga oduze

Sad sam sama, alaj, sama, brojim bisere

Oko svojeg bijelog vrata suze čuvam sve
Da ih, alaj, pred svog dragog čiste pobALEXm
Kad nas tama, alaj tama opet sastavi

Ref.: A njega nema...

Stat ću, alaj, ispred njega na put tada ja

Neću reći, neću alaj, niti jednu riječ
Nit' ću više, alaj, crnu zemlju gledati
Opet ću se i ja s njime, alaj, roditi

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ŽUSTIN: I'm telling you, I'm, like, made for all of this media and public scene ... Gosh, I
would love to have my own private, like, television studio. I'll have it arranged like a
peach, like a peach. All in pink! Down there, I would put those pink furry and fluffy
carpets, and on top I would put small pink, like, coffee table. And, then there will be a
green curtains, like, to get a contrast, you catch my drift? And, then I would put, like,
those giant leather armchairs in Bordeaux color. You know, that dark, dark red colur like
rose wine? So that everyone who comes to the studio to talk to me knows that it's one
totally serious show. And, all the guests will be, like, famous people. You know,
celebrities from the movies, singers, all the rich people from the clubs. Whole pack! I
mean, who cares to watch someone who's not famous? Or rich, whatever.

ALEX: (namješta Žustin kao lutku) But, times have changed, so this is how some
modern versions of Ljeposava look and talk. Here in Croatia we have a special word for
them... we call them 'sponzoruše' ... come on, after me, spon-zo-ruša ... one more,
'sponzoruša', nice, that's it... It means 'gold digger' or the one who has been sponsored.
One of the main natural characteristic of the 'sponzoruša-s' is that they pick their habitats
around big bald guys with shady past, unclear present and uncertain future. Often they
wander around in pairs through the wild life which blossoms in shops with designer
clothes or shoes. However, not one serious explorer hasn't been able to associate them
with any day or steady job. They call themselves models, hostesses, starlets ...

(ŽUSTIN pjeva /s konzervom Coca-Cola Zero u ruci/:

I'm just Coca Cola Zero drinking

I am not lightning
I am just singing
And you can only kneel in front of me
And to give presents to me
Because you can only dream about my pussycat ... and me ....

ALEX: As you can see for yourself, culture in any shape or form is their natural enemy.
One of those 'sponoruše' has become famous for this statement:

ŽUSTIN: Pflj, if I wanted culture, I would leave a cup of yogurt on the sun.

ALEX: Which brings us back to the beginning: yogurt - full of life! In their free time,
wait, who am I kidding, free time is the only time they have, they wander around freely in
large herds, packs or groups and dance around in the clubs which have this sort of music
on their repertoire:

(ŽUSTIN pjeva, 'Jaka žena', glazba i aranžman Dean Premrl, tekst: Aleksandra Demše i
Berislav Cimerman)

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On me voli
A ja na tebe mislim
I napit ću se noćas
Rješenje da smislim

S prvim tko naiđe

Potrošit ću noć
Jer jaka sam žena
Imam tu moć
Jer jaka sam žena
Imam tu moć

Rref. 2X: Ja sam jaka žena

nigdje jače nema
kada moje srce voli
voli bez problema

Poruke ti šaljem
Odgovora nema
Da 'l da živim ili umrem
Đavolja dilema

I vratit ću se njemu
Ne javljaj se nikad
Preživjet ću ja
Ako sretnemo se ikad
Preživjet ću ja

Ako sretnemo se ikad

Rref.: Ja sam jaka žena

nigdje jače nema
kada moje srce voli
voli bez problema

Ja sam jaka žena

nigdje jače nema
kada moje srce voli
voli bez problema
Kada moje srce voli
voli bez problema

ALEX: Our dear guests, distinguished ladies and gentlemen, admired audience and
respectful pūblicum, you have been able to see how seriously we take certain things. Like

10
1
love, for instance. Or national pride, that's another very serious matter for us. So serious
that if we are, by some case, Danes, we would wrote a protest note each time Marcellus
says "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark".

ŽUSTIN: For those of you who don't know, it is from an interactive Google play called
"Tablet", written by famous Hungarian engineer Shakes-fekesh-vare, now available for
Android operating system on Apple store.

ALEX: Thank you, but, that's realy a Danish problem,

ŽUSTIN: I like them danish beagels a lot!

ALEX: Good for you! Now, we have our own issues. Like, what do we really want to do
with our country now that we finally, after almost thousand years, have a state. Before, it
was easy, we were so attractive to everyone that all we have to do is simply fight against
them. First against Venetian – that were the 'light' Italians, then there were Huns, and
Turks, of course, and later again against Hungarians – and Austrians as well, and finally,
we ran out of enemies.

ŽUSTIN: Yeah, until we were attacked by the army of the Yugoslavia, the federation in
which we lived, and finally we won our freedom in that battle.

ALEX: Yes we did, indeed we have! And now, we have a problem of not exactly
knowing what to do with all the national beauties and resources we have, with our rich
cultural and historic tradition (ŽUSTIN; Er, yogurt!).

ALEX: Maybe that's why we joined European Union.

ŽUSTIN: Does someone have an idea what we can do with our heritage? Or forests? Or
Adriatic coast? Or water, streams and lakes?

ALEX: And now, just as it happened with that Austro-Hungarian empire, when we joined
European Union, things are not looking good for this association, as you know. United
Kingdom is fleeing out, with few other prospects who are maybe willing to follow its
footsteps as well.

ŽUSTIN: However, one thing we do know ...

ALEX: And that is how to be good hosts, so, please, enjoy our beautiful coast, hills and
mountains...

ŽUSTIN: ... our delicious food and even wines, some of them are awarded as well.

ALEX: Yeah, like that dark, dark, dark red rose wine... But before you do that, we have
one more song for you.

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ŽUSTIN: Thank you for coming to our show, it realy means a lot to us. And it shows that
you like culture far more then yogurt! Congratulations!

ALEX: We knew right from the start that you are theatre lovers, yes we did, indeed!

ŽUSTIN: Hope you had a nice time, and to see you soon! Where is my lovely assistant?
Let's go!

(ŽUSTIN i ALEX pjevaju, 'Bolje čušpajz nego pičvajz', glazba i aranžman Dean
Premrl, tekst: Berislav Cimerman)

Croatians are always so proud

especially when there's no one around!

We love our bars, and after a few drinks,

we don't really care what anyone thinks!

We have our sea, fields and mountains too

but unemployment is through the roof!

Instead of skills, the most important is

who your father knows!

But in the kitchen any old granny

cooks better than any fancy French nanny!

In culture and nation we deeply trust

but near museums we don't go unless we must!

Rakija, burek, kebab brandy and schnapps

we like them all like they're our finest!

Multiculture, auto-motive,
well-come to our autobahn! (overpriced)

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