emmanuel: God with us.

I am going to start this email by saying I wanted to

share a bit more...but due to how things have
escalated in incredibly unjust, atypical, surreal
ways...I feel that I need to be careful. I do want to
update on Disney, though. I wrote this email three
days ago and edited it tonight after, yet again, one
of the most traumatic evenings of my life. An
evening forever engrained and burned into me.

Kinda feels like I've been standing in fire for a long

time.
It is impossible to list all the things, future,
relationships, and identities the fire has scorched in
my life, because it runs deeper than sentences and
statements and circumstances — an attempt to list
all the losses is impossible.
My body and heart and soul have been in the fire for
the better part of a year now. It's been a brutal time,
grueling in more ways then I knew they could be.
As someone who works really hard to make
every ounce of life count, to live with intention
and awareness and accountability and purpose
and the beautiful selfless kind of love...it is
interesting to me to experience just how wrong
everything can still go. Just how bad it can all get.
Just how evil evil is, and just how intense warfare is,
no matter how in tune to Jesus we are and no
matter how close we know He is... but maybe that's
exactly what makes the warfare that much more
intense.
September last year, I fasted and prayed for a week
— I knew no matter how hot the fire got, no matter
what or who would be taken from me...He was with
me. Immanuel. Emmanuel. He was and is with me,
and that could not be taken from me. I knew He
would always invite me into His grace and His
presence.
This understanding in my core has helped
me become fire in some ways.
A few people in my actual real life — who know all
the intricate details of what has been my reality and
the way I have gone about everyday living through
this fire — have told me when they think of me they
cannot help but think of Job. How God was just
telling Satan not to kill him. That's kind of how much
of this life feels like.
"Just don't kill her."

So the girls were removed from me. It has been

a week since I've spoken to them.
The last week I have wrestled with this: maybe I am
just as shi**y of a mom and person as the enemy
has been trying to tell me all these months. Maybe
those aren't actually lies I've been trying to combat,
but Truth I have been avoiding. Maybe I just suck.
But I have people that know me and know what's
going on and know how the system is not only
failing children but torturing them. I have DHS
personnel like my certifier, CASAs, therapists, and
other foster parents who are going to bat for me
and speaking Truth to me and reminding me that
this is warfare, this is not typical, this is ridiculous
and unjust at so many levels.
This is warfare over souls.
And then more happened and I am currently
standing in the darkest night of my existence.
What we really need is prayer.
We need prayer for protection.
We need prayer that power isn't continued to be
used for evil, and when it is, that He would
somehow turn it for good. Because as I sit on Jillana
Goble's guest room bed, where I will be yet again
grieving this weekend, I feel heavier than I knew
possible. The darkness is evading all the pieces
most important to my life and I feel powerless.
Jesus, come.

My friend Christina said the day after the girls were

removed... "I know it feels like failing. But this is
about warfare. This is not about you failing. Keep
telling yourself that until you believe it. This is about
you not falling yet, so the devil is going in on your
soul. He wants you to give in. The only failing is
saying that God is not who He promised you He is
and admitting that you are NOT who God says you
are. That is it. That is failing. You. Are. Not. Failing.
You are being attacked."
She sent me a quote that maybe you need too: "I
am enough. I am full of sparkly and compassion.
I genuinely want to make the world a better
place. I love hard. I practice kindness. I am not
afraid of the truth. I am loyal, adventurous,
supportive, and surprising. I am a woman. I am
enough. I make mistakes, but I own them and
learn from them. Sometimes I make a lot of
mistakes." — Molly Mahar

DISNEYLAND
So many people donated towards taking my nine
year old to Disneyland. I received hundreds of $5
and $10 donations, as well as some larger ones. We
got gifts in the mail for her and her brother and
myself and Brianna and it was one of those
incredibly humbling beautiful journeys of seeing
people wrap around the girl I'd given my whole self
to.
I do not get to be the one to take my girl anymore,
but she DOES get to go with her brother, J and his
foster family, and you are all still paying for that, SO
THANK YOU. I will be sure that she has the
opportunity to have the best time as possible!
Thank you for sending my girl to Disney. For that I
am forever grateful and humbled.
There have been multiple experiences over the
last year where I was sure I was at the bottom of
the pit. But maybe there is no bottom, maybe it is
never ending and the pit just keeps going deeper
into Hell on earth. But the thing about Hell on earth
is that it is still on earth, which means God is still
with me — it is not actual Hell where there is
separation from God. That is what I am trying to
hold on to.
I stand here in the fire, unsure where to go from
here. One step at a time I guess. One moment. One
day. One breath.
If you are the praying type, please pray for:
-Protection over my family
-Protection over my boys
-Strength, wisdom, clarity for Loren
-Healing for the girls
-Truth to win out
-Justice prevail
-Money to hire a really good lawyer

Because I cannot participate in the Disney trip but

purchased airfare, I plan to fly down and staying in
San Diego and hope to book a few photoshoots! If
you or someone you know are anywhere
between Santa Anna and San Diego and want to
book me for a photography session, I will be
there March 27, 28, 29. Either reply here OR send
me an email at NatalieBrennerPhoto@gmail.com!

I don't even know how to close such an email, so I

will end with this:
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
2
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their
enemies.
3
To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
4
They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
though they have been deserted for many
generations.
Isaiah 60:1-4
I am not even standing in ashes.
I am still in the fire and it is hot and I feel close to
dead.
It is hotter than I knew possible, I didn't know I
could feel what I feel. But what I am finding is that
the beauty is found in Him being with me, through
His people and His presence. In Him not forsaking
me. In Him bringing me peace when I can center
and ground myself in the present moment and know
He is there.
The ripping of my tapestry is more than I can bare;
it's been shredded and lit on fire. It is more than I
can bare. The deeper I sink into the mire and
warfare, the more I have to lean into Him because
as of right now, He and my community are all I
have.
Thank you for all of your support and
encouragement.
Bless you.
NB