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Firebringer Script
Firebringer Script
Firebringer Script
No part of this show may be performed or reproduced without prior permission from Starkid
Productions.
1
ACT 1
Song: Fire
*drum opening*
Ensemble: Dooo wat tata ta ta da, doo wat tata ta ta da
Do wat ta tata ta ta da
Do wat tata ta ta da
Do wat tata ta da da
Do wat ta ta dadada
Do wat tata ta dada, do wat tata dadada
Light that flame, get that
Light that flame, get that
Light that flame, get that
Light that flame, get that
Power
That power
That power
That power
Light that flame, get that
Light that flame, get that
Light that flame, get that
Light that flame, get that
FIRE
THAT FIRE
Molag: Wow! Did you see that? Everybody singin' and dancin’! Woah, that looked like fun! And what
about that bright orange stuff at the end of that stick? Now, we call that...
Fire...ooh fiyuuh Okay, now I know what you're thinking, you're going, "fire, so what? We got that!” Well
guess what, you privileged fucks. (beat) There was a time in history, when no one had seen this shit
before! And y'all, that's what this story's all about. How humanity discovered fire, and how it, for better
or worse, changed the world. Now short version, it was good for us: absolutely devastating for
everything else on Earth. But to tell the long version, we gotta take it back. WAAAY back. Back to a
time...when...
Molag: Yes. With the power of our minds, we humans were making all sorts of new discoveries.
For example: babies. Mmmmm, babies. They are deliciouuuuus. But you can't eat them, or else there
won't be any new people. Okay, these are things... that may seem obvious to you privileged fucks. But
we were flying by the seat of our (beat) uh-...uh, I don't even know what. And with all these new
thoughts popping up, not all of them fit together. And as the sun rises on this new day, Your ancestors
emerged from their caves engaged in the most profound intellectual disagreement humanity had seen
up to that point. And we called it: The Great Debate.
2
SCENE TWO: THE GREAT DEBATE/WORK
Chorn: Chorn.
Smelly-Balls: No.
Chorn: Chorn.
Smelly-Balls: NO!
Chorn: CHORN!
Smelly-Balls: NO!
Chorn: Chorn!
Jemilla: Enough!
Jemilla: This great debate has gone on for far too long. It is time we put an end to it, once and for all.
Chorn, for many moons now you have said the word Chorn. Because...that's all you can say.
Chorn: Chorn.
Jemilla: Yes. Chorn. And you, however you have chosen to interpret the word Chorn, you've decided to
respond by saying: No.
Smelly-Balls: You're over simplifying my argument, but that's essentially what I'm saying, yeah!
Jemilla: Okay. okay. What if we tried looking at it from a different point of view? What if when Chorn
says Chorn, instead of saying no, you said yes?
*ding*
Jemilla: Yeah?
Smelly-Balls: Yeah.
Chorn: Chorn.
Smelly-Balls: [Smelly-Balls hesitates] (beat) yesss. (beat) Yes. Yes! YES! [Smelly-Balls hugs Chorn
aggressively]
Chorn: Chorn!
Everyone: YAAAAAYYY!
3
Emberly: Oh, you did it, Jemilla!
Keeri: Let's give it up for Jemilla, the one who knows things!
Smelly-Balls: Jemilla, I can honestly say there is not a drop of bad blood between Chorn and I. You're
well named; Peacemaker.
Jemilla: Stop, stop, stop worshipping me. Gone are the days of superstition and bowing before false
deities. (beat) All of that angers the all powerful duck we worship.
Ducker: [renters stage holding The Duck] HEEEE created the universe! And he is a jealous duck! Let us
pray!
Jemilla: Oh, the Duck is pleased. Wonderful. Well, now that we have the Duck's blessing,
that means that we can get back to work. Right gang? Oh, we have a loooot of new discoveries that
need to be made, a lot of nuts and berries that need to be gathered.
Zazzalil: Uh, Jemilla? Jemilla. Um, we just worked yesterday. And the day before that, and the day
before that, maybe we could just... take a day off? Do some singing and dancing, [gestures towards
Keeri who is ‘dancing’ at the back of the stage] Keeri just invented dancing.
Jemilla: ohhhhh. That does look amazing Keeri, but I'm sorry. You know, there's just only so much light
in the day before the darkness comes. And then we have to get back to the cave, I'm sorry.
We've got work to do.
Everyone: *groaning*
Jemilla: There’s just not time for singing and dancing right now. We've got work to-
4
Jemilla: [speaking] What? What's this?
Zazzalil: Uh-oh!
Everyone but Jemilla: I don't really wanna do the work today.
I don't really wanna do the work today,
I don't really wanna do the work today.
I don't wanna do the work today.
Jemilla: [speaking] Keeri, did you choreograph this and teach everyone? Where was I?
Jemilla: [speaking] Okay, I am not trying to take anything away, I'm just telling you not to do something.
Everyone but Jemilla: Yeah, but you heard what Jemilla said.
I know, I know, I know
You gotta work to get ahead!
Our people have to grow
we've got to harness our pride,
Jemilla: [speaking] Alright, seriously though, guys we don't have time for this.
We've gotta wrap it up right now!
*starts to sing again*
I hope you're feeling proud, we're breaking through the shroud
of mystery, and our history's growin' every day.
Emberly: [speaking] Aww, come on Jemilla, you know we're just messing with ya!
*singing* I've got the best job,
'cause I'm in charge of food.
I gotta eat everything to find out what tastes good, [tries to eat plant]
*spits*
DON'T EAT THAT!
5
NO ONE EAT THAT!
Everyone: And?
Everyone: Oh.
Schwoopsie and Chorn: We've been watching our shadows every day,
we notice when the sky is cloudy, they go away.
We're trying to explain.
Ducker: THE SPIRITS only the DUCK can SAVE US- *Jemilla hugs him comfortingly*
Jemilla: Yes.
Jemilla: [that was uncalled for] ookay. Alright, guys, we're gonna be fine. Listen,
*singing* So many wondrous things here for our kind,
a world of tools and knowledge left to find.
And I hope to bring you there.
Because you know how much I care.
So, we'll join each other, hand in hand,
and try to help ourselves to understand,
this world is what we make of it! *looks longingly at Zazzalil*
Together!
This is the dawn,
the dawn of our time.
We are mankind,
with the gift of a greater mind.
Everyone: This is the dawn,
the dawn of our time.
We are womankind,
with the gift of a stronger mind.
6
Jemilla: *sigh* Emberly?
Emberly: Mhm?
Emberly: The ones with the great big thorns all over 'em?
Jemilla: Let us know what you think, okay? [kisses emberly’s cheek] You're the best. (beat) Smelly-
Balls,
Smelly-Balls: Yeah?
Jemilla: C’mere. [Smelly-Balls walks over] Listen, if you're stumped on grass, why don't you move onto
something else, like, why don't you figure out where the sun goes at night?
Jemilla: Yeah.
Smelly-Balls: The sun is a man. (beat) A cowardly man. And I scare him away at the end of every day
by screaming at him like this: AAAAAAAUUUGHGGGHGH!
Jemilla: Ah, oh, okay. Good, good, good. Good job, Smelly.
Molag: [renters at side of stage] Yep, *sigh* old Jemilla was doing alright, but what she didn't know,
*smirks* was on this particular day, everything was about to change. And that's, where I come in!Ah ha
ha! Hey, Jemilla.
Jemilla: Oh, Grandmother Molag, the eldest and wisest of our tribe! Good journey?
Molag: Oh, good journey, my child. You know, never did I think I'd live to see the end of The Great
Debate.
Jemilla: *scoffs*
Jemilla: Whoo!
Jemilla: Awh.
Molag: Here, I thought we were headed for a good old-fashioned war! Ha ha. (beat) God, I miss those.
7
Jemilla: Here, let me help you down.
Molag: Don't let me slip like you did last time. oh oh woah woah WOAH WOAH WOAH! *slips
dramatically*
Jemilla: *sits down next to her* It’s not funny when you do that.
Jemilla: Okay. *sigh* You know, Molag, it wasn't all me. Peace really is something that we make
together.
Molag: Oh, don't be modest! Look at all we've accomplished since I handed rule onto you! I mean,
we've seen the rise of free thought, empathy...
Jemilla: Oh, but you were great too back in your day, Molag.
Molag: ‘Great.’ (beat) And terrible. Molag- the War Master! That's what they used to call me.
Jemilla: Yeah. We still tell tales of your reign to the little ones, just to scare the shit out of 'em.
Molag: Good. (beat) Those privileged fucks. And so, the War Master will live on in legend, as the
Peacemaker rules in her own right.
Molag: *stares wistfully into the distance* Well, my time here is over, Jemilla. So I'm leaving.
Molag: Mhm.
Molag: Oh, I'm gonna set off with one last task: venture out into the great unknown and find the end of
the Earth.
Jemilla: *gasping*
Molag: Mhm. I figured if I start right now and walk all day, I'll probably find it.
Molag: Who knows? You know, it's not yet been scientifically proven *pauses in thought* how big the
duck pond we live on top of actually is. But (beat) I can't leave a good conscience before I clear up a
few things. Here, go ahead and hold my stick. [Jemilla takes Molag’s stick] I know you like that.
8
Jemilla: Yeah, I do.
Molag: You see, Jemilla, when I came into power, it was a much more chaotic time. To keep order, I
may have said a few things that, uh- weren't entirely true.
Molag: Oh- okay. Umm… Well, you know that duck we worship?
Jemilla: How can I not? It created the heavens and the earth in 7 quacks. It made us all in forms that
are perfect, and also inherently sinful and filthy-
Jemilla: -And through its infinite love, it will… destroy us all if we don't obey. What are you getting at,
Molag?
Molag: Okay, alright, alright, alright, come on. Think about it, Jemilla!
Isn't it a bit coincidental that the "All Powerful Creator of the Universe” just so happens to be living in a
watering hole closest to our cave?
Jemilla: Mmmmm, no! It picked our pond to honor our tribe above all others! I mean, it's like you always
said, Molag! We're the best! Fuck, that's our tribe motto. "WE'RE THE BEST!"
Jemilla: WHAT?!
Molag: Honestly, if I think about it, the ducks probably hate us most of all. 'Cause we keep capturing
‘em. I mean, surely you notice that the Holy Duck changes colour every week or two?
Jemilla: *cries*
Molag: It's just the damn things keep dying or flyin' off on me. And I gotta go wrangle up another one.
It's a whole thing.
Jemilla: Oh, Molag, I feel like everything you have told me my entire life is a LIE! I mean, next, you're
going to tell me that Tiblyn isn't really holding up the sky!
9
[Tiblyn walks across the back of the stage]
Molag: umm...
Molag: Oh! Oh! Um, nothing, dear! You keep up the good work! You're the best.
Jemilla: *robot seething noises* How can you keep lying to people when you know the truth?
Molag: Okay, alright, I see you freaking out, I see you freaking out, okay...
Molag: Don't you see, you are better than I ever was.
Molag: Jemilla, I have loved you from the moment (beat) I clobbered your mother to death and took you
as my own!
Jemilla: Awh, they're going to be so pissed… *crying* when I tell them about the duck. And the sky-
eeeeeeeee.
Molag: Mhm. That's another reason I'm getting the hell out of here.
Molag: I don't wanna be around when the shit hits the- (beat) I don't even know what. Well, goodbye,
Jemilla!
Jemilla: I will.
Molag: Tell the truth! Believe in yourself! And remember, you're the best!
10
[Zazzalil and Keeri enter energetically]
Keeri: Hey.
Zazzalil: Just, uh, heard you ask yourself what you're gonna do, and, well have I got an idea for you!
Keeri: And I just heard you say something about fucking a duck? I'm not judging. We've all thought
about it once or twice. [takes nut out of basket and begins to eat]
Zazzalil: Which we do all day, every day, and we're still starving!
Zazzalil: Just hear me out, just hear me out. See, we spend our entire lives… scrounging around for
nuts and berries, like a bunch of squirrels! But let's face it: *suddenly serious* we cannot compete with
squirrels! They are smarter, faster and better at collecting nuts than we'll ever be.
So, maybe, we could try eating something else!
Jemilla: Okay, we are not going back to eating each others delicious babies. Mmmm, God, my mouth is
watering
Zazzalil: No, no, no no no Not babies OR nuts [Jemilla looks shocked] See, we let those squirrel
bastards get fat off nuts, while we hang back watching and waiting And then,
Just when Mr. Squirrel thinks he's safe, And he's thinking to himself: *Draco voice* “I've had enough
nuts for today, better take the rest home to family”
Zazzalil: Okay. He’s saying uhm: *the voice of a certain blonde Malfoy* “I just got done murdering my
family”
Zazzalil: *in the voice of that one character who often rolls around on the floor and has a soft spot for a
certain Hermione Granger* “Yes! Time to celebrate their deaths with a nut!” Then, before he knows
what's happening we jump out and eat him! Although I... I haven't figured out yet how to make him dead
so we can eat him, but still pretty good idea, right? I mean, all the successful animals do it think about
Snarl. See, he's got this thing-
Jemilla: [cutting Zazzalil short] OH NO! We do not think about Snarl, we do not want to be like him… …
Gross… Zazzalil, gathering nuts is the easiest job, right? All you have to do is look for the nuts, Ooooh ,
we use our eyeballs right?
Zazzalil: yep
11
Keeri: Umm... yeah, it's a little bit harder than that...
Jemilla: You put the bag in- the bag is full! Good job! Yum yum!
Jemilla: Okay. Coming up with these ideas takes time, and it takes nuts away from everyone, right?
*inhale, exhale* Just do your job. *moves in to kiss Zazzalil and then rethinks it last minute and kisses
her cheek* You're the best. I mean- ehhhhhhhh… [Jemilla is fed up of lying to Zazzalil but isn’t quite
ready to tell her about Molag and the Ducks:] Nevermind!
[Jemilla exits]
Zazzalil: *talking* You know, Jemilla says she's all about discovery, but, she won't even try my ideas!
Instead, she's got us figuring out all this useless shit! It's like, I don't care where the sun goes at night!
12
(beat) He’s an asshole! *gestures at sky* I have a dream, Keeri. Of a future where no one knows how
anything works! And nobody wants to! Because, in this future, everything is abundant. Food, leisure
time, you name it! And so, when someone says to you,
"Ay, yo! Fuck you! You don't know what you're talkin' about!"
You can just say,
"Haha, no. Fuck-a you! You don't know what you're talking about!"
And the beauty will be, that neither of you know what you're talking about! And until that happy day,
when we can be *mwah* so lazy, I will work as I hard as I possibly can to get us there, because that, my
friend, is the spirit of human ingenuity. I mean, progress doesn't come from the *imitating Jemilla*
"desire to understand” like Jemilla says. (beat) No. No, it comes from the need to be lazy. Yup. That's
my dream.
Zazzalil: Yeah, and I know I am onto something with this eating animals thing, I just have to figure out a
way to kill them.
Keeri: Well, maybe a little snack'll help you think! Here, come on over. *gestures to nut basket*
Come on. Now you know, as a Senior Tribe Nut Collector, I'm not really supposed to do this, but, hey, I'll
hook you up!
[both start laughing]
Zazzalil: Thanks! *lifts ‘nut’ out of basket* Oh, Keeri, these aren't nuts. These are just clumps of dirt.
Keeri: Bullshit.
Keeri: I just thought this was a little nut trying to crawl away from me! *giggles* He is cute, though.
*kisses beetle* I'm your mommy now.
Zazzalil: *finds huge stone* Oh, jeez, Keeri, What have you been feeding us?
This is an enormous, jagged rock. This will kill you.
*ding*
Keeri: Let's just say, hypothetically, somebody were to eat a bunch of those. How many do you think it'd
take to kill ‘em? Probably more than ten, right? [Zazzalil is lost in thought]
Zazzalil: *thrusting stone into Keeri’s side* Keeri, does this hurt?
13
SCENE SIX: THE JOKE
Chorn: Chorn!
Smelly-Balls: *that voice humans only use when talking to or about pets* What, a lion has befriended a
little baby piglet and now they're hanging out and—
Ducker: [interrupting Smelly-Balls] No, no, no! Schwoopsie! She's telling… The Joke!
Smelly-Balls: Bullshit! There's only one joke! And Schwoopsie already told it! I call you a liar, and a
coward, now be gone from this place! AAAAUUGGGHHHH-
Smelly-Balls: Chorn, you're right, we better get going! We don't wanna miss it!
[The three of them go off to arrive at the temporary comedy stage that Schwoopsie has set up just
outside the entrance to their cave]
Schwoopsie: So, uh, *mosquito* has this ever happened to anybody else?
Crowd: Woo!
Schwoopsie: So I was building a little hut the other day, you know, just a small little hut, as we do...
and I had these two logs, right? And a little stick to go between ‘em. So, I take this first log *mimeing
moving a log*, sittin' right over here. *struggling* Lift it up like this, Okay! There we go!
Make sure it's nice and steady! (beat) Beautiful! And turn back over here, take this log lyin' right here,
Lift it up! *struggling* Ooh-okay, this one's a little heavier, Okay, uh-huh and… Perfect! Then turn back
over here, take th- (beat) Now wait a second. Where'd that log go? Ohhhh… It's on the floor! [crowd
chuckles]
And I'm like… Schwoopsie!
*badum-tss*
[crowd laughs]
Smelly-Balls: AH! TELL IT AGAIN! TELL THAT AGAIN! AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!
[crowd agrees]
Schwoopsie: Alright, so, um- has this ever happened to anybody else?
14
Smelly-Balls: Schwoopsie, YEAH!
Chorn: Chorn.
Tiblyn: Emberly, I think I might be in love with Chorn, but, they act like I don't exist!
Emberly: Tiblyn, I'm not even really sure that Chorn is into humans, ya know? Chorn is sort of like
ummmm *thinking* sort of like a monster! [she put a leave in her mouth] *peh! eughk!* *spits*
Tiblyn: mkay! *dreamily* And then there's Smelly-Balls and he's just such a great guy *sighs*
Emberly: Ugh, Tiblyn… Look, I know that you hold up the sky, -and I really appreciate that about you-
but, sometimes you've just gotta get your head out of the clouds and, stop thinking so much about
romance...
[Emberly reaches behind her to lean on a berry covered rock and her hand meets the hand of Grunt]
Tiblyn: *gasping* Oh he's an outsider! He's not from our tribe! *freaking out* Oh, oh, I'm gonna go get
help! *smugly* I'm gonna go get Chorn.
Grunt: *grunting*
Emberly: UGH!
15
Emberly: Oh, oh I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry
Grunt: Yeah, but my butt, it's stinging so bad right now It's only like a few leaves covering it lady
that's like nothing. Ow...
Emberly: ah, ohh.. M-maybe we shouldn't try to kill each other, you know? This is a pretty big thing…
let's just share it!
Grunt: okay
Grunt: ??
Emberly: Oh just-just uh, aaah open your mouth and let it fall out!
Grunt: bleghh
Emberly: *sighs*
Grunt: huh hweh How'd you know how to spit that out? That was pretty smart. I mean, I probably
would've just kept eating it until I died. You- You saved my life!
Emberly: Don't worry about it, it's sort of my job. See, I-I eat things and I tell if they're good, or if they're
poison. I'm Emberly
Emberly: Emberly!
Grunt: Embly!
Grunt: Grunt.
Emerly: Grant?
Emberly: Well, um. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did, uh, we’re not supposed to be with people from
other tribes
Grunt: Oh, well, I don't have another tribe, it's just me.
16
Grunt: Well, I- I had a tribe but, they kicked me out
Emberly: Why?
Grunt: Ah, well you know how sometimes there'll be a pack of coyotes that are feasting on a rabbit,
and there's always one, small, runt of a coyote that's being kept from the meal?
Emberly: yes?
Emberly: oh.
Grunt: S-so in your tribe do you just walk around and, eat everything?
Emberly: Oh, well that's what I do, it’s- sort of my specialty. Uh, see; Here’s where I gather all of the
foods that we like, and, um, you know, actually check this out! see, I started combining different foods,
to try and create new tastes. [rummages around in basket] Laa-like this! [finds two leaves] I-it looks like
two big leaves, stacked up on top of each other, but, inside… [shows Grunt the inside of the two leaves]
Grunt: ooh
Emberly: ...it's a bunch of squished up berries! And a light sprinkling of salt *wipes leaves on armpit* Go
ahead, try it!
Emberly: Yeah! Ah, see I-I I can tell if things are good or not, even from just, one little taste!
Emberly: Is it crazy,
how something I thought I'd never find
17
just came to me
Jemilla: [enters from side of stage with the tribe (minus Zazzalil, Keeri and Ducker) following behind.
She is holding hands with her confused wife; Schwoopsie] *gasp* Emberly! Don't worry, we'll get that
outsider away from you
Emberly: Oh, Jemilla! Jemilla! How could you? Grant is all alone in the world; he could die out there.
Jemilla: [completely misunderstanding poor Emberly] Oo! I hope so too, Emberly. One less outsider
means more food for us!
Jemilla: Alright everyone! Gather ‘round. Sooo, Earlier today, some um… very important truths were
revealed to me *nervous laugh* *sigh* So, turns out our tribe has been living under some
18
false pretences which have caused some of its members to uh… *nervous laugh* Oo... how do I put
this lightly? Um...waste their ENTIRE lives.
Tiblyn: Wow. (beat) HUGE slam on Emberly outta nowhere, holy shit.
Jemilla: Um, actually, Emberly does a job that is actually very, very important to our tribe. *nervous
laugh* But once we clear a few things up we can all stop performing meaningless tasks, and focus on
real, human progress.
Ducker: *entering onto the stage with the almighty duck* Progress pleases the duck.
Ducker *still mumbling*: EEEACH and every one of our immortal *song-like* soooooul
Everyone: He is looor-
Schwoopsie: wai' wai' wai' wai' wai' wai' wai' wait. The duck… isn't...a god?
19
Everyone: Yeah!
Jemilla: *gently kisses Schwoopsie who shoves Jemilla off* Good point babe. Well, uh, now that we
don't have to believe in an all powerful duck, and we don't need a Supreme Egghead Wizard to
interpret its quacks, we can all take turns sleeping in the dry spot in the cave! Ducker, you can sleep in
a puddle like the rest of us.
Ducker: WAIT! No! wai- waaait… Now...now, now, now… It...has...not yet been proven that the duck is
not a god. In fact, all of this sounds like BLASphemy to me, AND the duck. In fact, the duck is saying
right now- *gasp* "Damn you, Jemilla, to hell”? *sympathetic voice* Ohh no, Jemillaaa…nooo... no.
Jemilla: [she ignores Ducker] *sigh* Molag also lied, about Tiblyn holding up the sky.
Everyone: *Gasps*
Tiblyn: What are you talking about? I've been holding up the sky for
27 years! I never get any sleep, and I'm always stressed out all the time, and I never hear a word's
thanks from anyone!
Jemilla: We really appreciate it. It's time to put your arms down now.
Tiblyn: No. I'm not gonna do that. *dramatically* Because then the sky will fall and crush all of our
friends, and I'm not gonna have that on my conscience.
Jemilla: Okay. If I put Tiblyn's arms down and nothing happens that'll prove that I'm right. Right?
Ducker: Jemilla! If you put Tiblyn's arms down and the sky doesn't fall, I'll be the FIRST to renounce my
faith in the duck. But, Jemilla, *aggressively* you don't have the guts.
Tiblyn: No!
Everyone: *muttering*
Tiblyn: Alright, fine! If I can't have Chorn, then no one will. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jemilla: Oh…Tiblyn... (beat) No. BUT nobody is! *laughs* [she turns to fave ducker] Ducker! You can
take off that Supreme Egghead Wizard hat now.
Jemilla: Yeah.
Ducker: N-yeah.
20
Ducker: *Soft hesitant sounds*
Ducker: *sound of protest* Awh! hawh! Aww… *sigh* Jemilla, we should at least let the duck choose if it
stays or- [the duck flies off out of the hat and into the sunset] oh there it goes. Oh.
Jemilla: Yup. That is one happy duck. *sigh* Well now that we have all that cleared up
we can get back to work! Right gang?!
Schwoopsie: I-I don't know, Jemilla. I mean, wh-what's the point of hard work if we're not doing it to
please a duck?
Jemilla: Ohh, come on! Hard work is its own reward, right guys?
Zazzalil: [entering the stage carrying her new spear] Hey, Jemilla.
Jemilla: Yes?
[Loud thud as Zazzalil hits Jemilla in the back of the leg with her spear]
Zazzalil: *sigh* Behold! I have inflicted great pain upon Jemilla. Greater than any I could cause with my
bare hands. My secret? (beat) The Spear.
Everyone: Ooo-ing
Zazzalil: It's going to change life as we know it. May I draw your attention to the end of the stick
where I have attached a sharp stone. It is my “hypothesis" that if I thrust the pointed end of this stick
into a creature it will pierce their flesh, guts, eyeballs, brains… anything, really.
Observe! A demonstration. [Keeri stands directly in front of Zazzalil and her spear] Keeri?
Jemilla: Wait. What?- No no no! [she grabs the spear from Zazzalil] *Loud exasperation*
Crowd: Heeey!
Crowd: Yeah!
Jemilla: Keeri.
Keeri: Whaaat?
Keeri: Noo.
21
Keeri: *sighs heavily* Nooo! That's what we were going to find out before we were so rudely interrupted.
Zazzalil, shall we continue?
Zazzalil: Yes.
Jemilla: Wait? What?! Would you give me that?! *Very loud exasperation* Keeri, this will hurt you
REALLY bad. IT. IS. DANGEROUS.
Zazzalil:*laughing* It is not dangerous. *Serious tone* It's a weapon, for hunting! My new and improved
method of food collection
Crowd: *Applauding*
Zazzalil: No no no! It'll work this time. I'll prove it to you. You see that big dumb mammoth over there?
Ducker: She is the spirit of the river! I know this because I saw her standing by a river once.
Zazzalil: That's no spirit. [she aims the spear at the mammoth] That’s the mammoth that killed my
father.
Zazzalil: We always knew this day would come didn't we, Trunkell? The day that I threw my spear
directly through your heart.
Zazzalil: Oh yeah? Does this look like a mistake? *throws spear pathetically* Damn it.
Schwoopsie: Ehhh I knew that spear was too good to be true. Booo~
Crowd: *booing*
Everyone: *screaming*
22
Jemilla: *sighs*
Trunkell: Ah-ah.
Jemilla: Okay. If we're real quiet, and we wait long enough, she'll get bored, and then she'll go away.
*Sighs*
[lights are used to show that time is passing and it is now getting dark]
Jemilla: Okay. Everyone, quick! Back to the cave. Come on, come on, come on.
Jemilla: She's not. Trunkell's not stupid. She knows what comes out at night. *reaches out to stop
Zazzalil* Deeegh! But not you, apparently. Apparently, you ARE stupid. THIS little thing almost got us
killed!
Jemilla: Ouchiiie
Zazzalil: Thanks!
Zazzalil: What?
Jemilla: That's right. I forbid the spear FOREVER. AND I forbid any more of your bad ideas. They're
banned too! *touches the end of the spear again* Ouuuuch
Jemilla: I FORGOT!
Crowd: *Ooo-ing*
23
SCENE TEN: THE NIGHT BELONGS TO HIM
Molag: Oooooooooo Hey everybody. Remember me? Now I know what you're thinkin'.
You're thinkin’: "Daaaayum, J-Mils, that was cold! Don't be mean to [insert name of person playing
Zazzalil]!” But before you go judgin’ you gotta understand how dangerous the night is for us. I mean,
first off it is fuckin' dark. You could trip, AND hurt yourself. And it gets even worse than that if you can
believe it. When the sun sets, and the moon rises, HE comes out to hunt. "Snarl. The Great Devourer.”
He's a big, fuckin', dinosaur! AAAHHH! Rooooaaaaaaar! (beat) Nah, I’m bullshittin' you! He's not a
dinosaur. All the dinosaurs are dead! (beat) Except one. (beat) And he's my friend! (beat) No, I'm
bullshittin' you again, guys. I'm sorry. You can't trust me today. I'm feelin' way too silly! But anyways,
Snarl is fuckin' scary. He's so fuckin' scary, we wrote a whole fuckin’ song all a-fuckin'-bout it.
Ducker: At night!
Ensemble: He comes!
Ducker: He sees!
Ensemble: He knows!
Ducker: Oh no!
Ensemble: Oh no!
24
Tiblyn and Schwoopsie: Certain death
awaits in the dark.
Beware. Take care. Retreat.
Stay in the cave
and pray away from your sleep.
Ensemble: At night!
Keeri: He comes!
Ensemble: He sees!
Keeri: He knows!
Ensemble: Oh no!
Keeri: Oh no!
Tiblyn: *speaking* And that was Smelly-Balls performing "The Night Belongs to Snarl” A song that he
wrote about that which we fear above all things. Thank you, Smelly-Balls.
Tiblyn: And next up, on the cave floor performing "The. Joke.” Please welcome, the inventor of comedy,
Schwoopsie!
Crowd: *cheering*
Jemilla: Wooooh!
25
Emberly: Yeah, Schwoops!
Smelly-Balls: Yeah.
Schwoopsie: Yeah. Yeah yeah. I-I-It's cold in the cave, huh? Yeah. YYYYY-YOU feelin' shitty?
Emberly: Yeah.
Schwoopsie: Yeah, you're feelin' shitty. Oh yeahyeahyeah me too, me too YYYYY-yyyy-you know
yyyyyyy-ya found out your duck god was a lie, and yyy-you almost got run over by a mammoth.
Crowd: *agreeing*
Crowd: *cheering*
[Lights down on variety show and lights up on Keeri and Zazzalil on the other side of the stage]
Keeri: Hey. Hey, Zazzalil. You doin' okay? *Long sigh* I was worried you might feel pretty stupid
because you know you looked pretty stupid. To put yourself out there like that in front of everybody with
your brand new invention and be like “look!" And then to have it FAIL soooo miserably and be like
“noooo!” *sighs* [Zazzalil is ignoring her with her head on the ground in front of her. Zazzalil is sad]
Keeri: Heyyy. Hey it's okay! (beat) You know I was just thinking that we should just, like, quit inventing
stuff altogether, ya know? It's not so bad letting other people think for you. I've been doing it my whole
life. It's awesome. *thinks* Hey, I got an idea. We could find someone to blindly follow together. It would
be SO fun! Oo! I know! We could follow Jemilla! She's smarter than us and-
Zazzalil: Jemilla is not smarter than me. And I'm not gonna let her run my life for one more second.
Zazzalil: Keeri, I can't go on knowing that I missed out on something this big. I can't do that to future
generations! *Laughing* No, sorry, no. FUCK future generations. "I" can't spend one more night in a wet
cave, in a stank. Ass. Pile. Of stinky. Ass. People. *Kisses Keeri angrily* That mammoth's out there,
Keeri. And I'm gonna kill it.
Keeri: Wait!
*THUNDER*
[lights up on variety show as Keeri runs in and Schwoopsie finishes off the joke]
Schwoopsie: ...I'm not gonna lie. I was seriously, like, (beat) a-schwoopsie!
*Badum-tss*
26
Crowd: *Awkward mumbles*
Schwoopsie: Alright. *Clears throat* That was the funny part of the joke, in case you wanted to laugh.
(beat) ahh-schwoooopsie!
Smelly-Balls: Uhh, I don't mean to be rude 'cause I know you're putting yourself out there, but, that
was... not... funny.
Ducker: Humor was a gift from the Duck. Everything that he said was funny. His voice sounded like
faaaarts. *Sobbing*
Tiblyn: You know, maybe, maybe the joke was never funny. I mean, maybe we were just told it was
funny. And maybe Schwoopsie's just been holding this joke up over her head for like, 27 years because
no one thought to tell her the truth. [Tiblyn raises her hands to the sky and Emberly pulls them back
down again]
Jemilla: Okay. Okay! Come on guys! Come ooon! [Schwoopsie ignores her] Heyyy. The joke is still
kinda funny. Schwoopsie? Babe? Listen I know a lot has changed. But we don't have to question
"everything".
Jemilla: What?
Keeri: Um, earlier today, you banned a couple of things forever. And I was just wondering, how long is
forever?
Jemilla: It's...unending.
Keeri: Okay.
Keeri: Uuuum, so forever's still going on now then? Are you sure that forever didn't end, like, a couple
minutes ago?
Keeri: Okay!
Keeri: Uhhhhh...
Jemilla: Keeri?!
27
Where is Zazzalil?!
*THUNDER*
Emberly: But if Zazzalil's out there, the storm could kill her!
Ducker: Forget about the storm! Snarl's out there! It's too late for Zazzalil- fuck her.
Everyone! Calm down. Alright. All creatures fear the storm. Maybe that includes Snarl. *Nervous giggle*
GOD DAMN IT, ZAZZALIL! Okay. I have to go get her. *Exhales harshly* I can't promise that you'll
make it back alive, but will somebody please help me? *Desperate sobs*
Keeri: Jemilla, I'm just a crony. And in Zazalil's absence, I'm your crony. So I'll follow you wherever.
Schwoopsie: Yeah I'll go. I've got nothin' else to live for so might as well.
Smelly-Balls: I will.
Jemilla: Alright, who will watch over the rest of the tribe while we're gone?
Smelly-Balls: I will.
Jemilla: Alright, you know what? Fuck it. We're all going! Come on guys!
28
Zazzalil: *Singing* Into the black
Into the unknown
No turning back
Onward, now all alone
Into the night
Nothing is out here
Not even light
Nothing to fear
I am not afraid
I'm not afraid of this
I'm not afraid of anything anymore
Not even you, you stupid fucking storm!
No one else has left the cave before
no one's ever been so fucking brave before
there is nothing unknown that I will not explore!
Come on, storm
Give me more
I'm not afraid of you
I'm into the black
Into the night and there's no turning back
What if?
What if?
What if tonight is the night
that I prove that I'm right?
Backing 1: Into the night. Into the unknown.
Into the night. Into the unknown.
1: Into the night.
Backing 2: We got work. To do.
1: Into the unknown.
2: Work to do.
1: Into the night. Into the unknown.
2: We got work to do. Work to do.
1:Into the night. Into the unknown.
2: We got work to do. Work to do.
Backing 3: Welcome to the Stone Age.
1: Into the night. Into the unknown.
2: We got work to do. Work to do.
3. Welcome to the Stone Age.
1: Into the night. Into the unknown.
2: We got work to do. Work to do.
3. Welcome to the Stone Age.
1: Into the night. Into the unknown.
2: We got work to do. Work to do.
3. Welcome to the Stone Age.
1: Into the night. Into the unknown.
2: We got work to do. Work to do.
3. Welcome to the Stone Age.
*Loud THUNDER*
Molag: *speaking* Zazzalil trudged deeper and deeper into the storm in search of a mammoth's den.
Then there! A cave opening. Inside, a huge, snoring somethin’. *speaking to Zazzalil* Is it a mammoth?
[Zazzalil shrugs] Alright, Zazzy. Get your spear up!
29
Zazzalil: Oh Great Duck! Bless this spear! Let it fly as true as you!
Molag: See, Zazz wasn't there when they found out that the duck stuff wasn't true. So that's what's
about to make what happens next to Zazz seem crazy as fuck. Just as Zazzalil raised her spear…
thunder crashed! *THUNDER* Lightning flashed! *Grumbling thunder* And touched the ends of
Zazzalil's spear.
Zazzalil: SHIT!
Molag: Now that was real abstract. But I think you get the idea. And if you're thinkin' to yourselves,
"Molag, you don't know what you're talkin' about. Lightning doesn't work like that!” Then fuck you. You
don't know what you're talking about. We were there are we saw the WHOLE thing.
Molag: Didn't I just say "don't touch it”? I'm sorry. You have to excuse us. We humans were slow
learners.
Molag: Wha-the fuck you tr-ah! Don't try ta eat it! It's not an ice-cream cone! It's the opposite. Think.
Ice-cream cones are cold, and delicious. This is hot, and will kill you.
Jemilla: [she runs onto the stage] *GASP* Zazzalil! There you are! Oh I cannot believe you would do
something this reckless! YOU come back to the cave right-
*Growling*
Molag: Oh, see, what the tribe didn't know was that Zazzalil had fucked up. She didn't track down the
mammoth's den. Turns out that mammoth moved out a week ago, and somethin' else moved in.
Snarl: *growling*
Tribe: *yelling*
30
Ducker: Everybody scatter! He can't catch all of us!
Tribe: *screams*-
Zazzalil: *speaking* Oh, okay! Alright! Okay I gotta do something quick or they're all gonna blame me
when they're dead.
Molag: Yeah, come on, girl! You got a hot glowy thing there. What are you gonna do with it?
Molag: Don't touch it. Come on. You were the girl who came up with the idea to use a tool to hurt a big
animal.
Molag: No! No. Forget the spear! Okay? You're gettin' colder. Come on. Alright warmer. Warmer.
Alright? Hot! *points towards fire*
Zazzalil: Hot… Hot! HOT! GET BAAACK! *runs at Snarl like a barbarian* RAAAHHH!
Tiblyn: Look!
Schwoopsie: Wow, Zazzalil defeated Snarl with her- I don't even know what.
Zazzalil: Yeah. I did defeat Snarl, didn't I? BEHOLD! My latest invention, *lifts fire aloft* uh…*muttering*
Bright Orange Stuff!
Jemilla: Oh, come on! Ugh. Like you expect us to believe YOU invented that? This is the person who
can't even gather nuts and berries. This is the person who almost got us killed multiple times in one
day! She...is dangerous. And so is that! So put it dowwwn.
Zazzalil: No.
Jemilla: What.
Zazzalil: I said no! *Huffs* You know, Jemilla, I used to look up to you. Yeah, I thought, "oh man, she's
got great clothes, she's got great hair, man, she's got it together! She's the leader of the tribe!
I wanted everything you had, and for you to have nothing.
31
Zazzalil: Yeah, that's right. But not anymore. But because now I see what you're really like!
You ban everything you can't control, and do you know why? Um, It's because you're a-
a scared, little, BABY.
Crowd: *gasps*
Zazzalil: And do you know what we do to babies in this tribe? (beat) Uh oh. We eat them.
Zazzalil: You know what I think? I think this bright orange stuff is awesome. And I invented it. And WHY
shouldn't we have it? We're the best!
Crowd: Yeah!
Zazzalil: Oh, but Jemilla, *tsss, oooo*, Jemilla "doesn't" think we're the best. No no… Jemilla wants us
to be cold, and wet, and starving forever. Is that what you want?
Keeri: Hey, I got an idea. Maybe Zazzalil could be our new leader.
Zazzalil: That's a great idea. See, Jemilla, how I'm encouraging other people's ideas?
Jemilla: Fine! Fine. You know what? I have an awesome idea of my own. If you guys want Zazzalil as
your new leader, *Sarcastic laugh* then fine. I'M OUTTA HERE.
Crowd: Okay.
Jemilla: AND you can keep that “stuff". In my opinion, it's tooo (beat) hot! [but we all know she means
Zazzalil is too hot]
Crowd: Okay.
Jemilla: AND there is a reason that Snarl is afraid of it, and I'll bet it's a reeeally good reason. That
"stuff" is going to be the end of youuu. You are all going to BURRRRRRRRRN. *walks offstage*
32
Crowd: O-KAAAAY.
Jemilla: *sobbing*
Ducker: It is a spirit.
Chorn: Fire.
Ducker: All hail Zazzalil, the Firebringer! Let us offer her a clean and pleasing worship.
Ducker: What's that? I think I hear the fire speaking to me! It's saying...it's saying I should get the dry
spot in the cave again!
Zazzalil: Oh-no. Noo. It's not saying that. No. You know what? We're not going back to the cave. No.
No. For too long we have slept in that cold, wet, stinky cave. And why? 'Cause we were afraid of Snarl!
But not anymore. Let HIM hide in the cave, huh?
Crowd: Yeah!
Crowd: YEAH!
Zazzalil: Before, we were at the bottom of the food chain, but tonight, tonight belongs to US!
33
No more pain
No more fuss
Our suffering's done because the night
belongs to us!
Everyone: I know we're right, this is our night to start a brand new life
On our own
Where we'll build our home
Everyone: We're not quite sure how But the night belongs to us
Jemilla: me
Everyone: nowwwwwwww.
34
ACT 2
35
we don't really care
Let's taste defeat now
Everyone: Change in the climate
Oh-ohhh wo-oh...
Oh change in the climate
Oh-ohhh wo-oh...
Oh change in the climate
Oh-ohhh wo-oh...
I don't really wanna do the work today
I don't really wanna do the work today
I don't really wanna do the work today
I don't wanna work today
I don't really wanna do the work today
I don't really wanna do the work today
I don't really wanna do the work today
I don't wanna do the work
Zazzalil: *sigh* Yes. *Speaking* Look at it, Chorn. The world I've created. You know, we left behind that
stinky cave and taught ourselves how to build those two stinky huts. Yes. The climate has changed
indeed. And, Chorn, I believe that if we burn enough things we can change the climate permanently.
Yes. *Sigh* We can do it. That is something to strive for- Chorn, are you even listening to me?
Chorn: Chorn.
You're just staring at that tiny fire. That's rude to do when I'm talking to you. *Zazzalil tries to take the
fire off Chorn*
Zazzalil: Ahuh.
Keeri: Zazz?
Keeri: Well, I just saw you singing and dancing with everybody just now and I thought that, you know,
the rib isolation could be sharper and could really lock that movement but it's just a note I had.
Zazzalil: Mhm.
Keeri: Um… Anyway…um... It just reminded me of when me and you used to sing and dance, you
know? We'd be out collecting things and I'd pick something up and you'd tell me if it was a nut or not.
*Laughs fondly* That was really fun.
Zazzalil: Yeah well, Keeri, you'll never have to collect nuts ever again. Thank god. You have a new job,
remember? Anytime someone is hungry, you just go on up to a mammoth,
and light it on fire. You're the official "Mammoth Killer".
36
Keeri: Uh, yeah. Um, about that… I don't think I can do my job anymore. First of all, I hate killing ‘em
because I really like mammoths.
Zazzalil: Wh- *laugh* What do you mean you "can't find any”? Mammoths are the hugest things in
existence. I mean, their name is synonymous with big for fuck's sake.
Keeri: Yeah I know. I mean they're pretty easy to spot and I know where they live but it's just that when I
go there, they're not there anymore. Because… (beat) I think we might've killed 'em all.
Keeri: I don't know. We sure killed a lot. And we didn't even eat all the meat. Most of it went bad so we
threw it into the watering hole. And then all that rancid meat made the water poison. Lots of people are
drinking that poison water and they're puking it back up again so now the water is poison AND pukey
also the insane amount of fires we're burning are killing all the bees-
Zazzalil: Okay, alright, alright! Stop. Okay. First of all, No one is forcing anyone to drink water, okay?
And, um, I mean, second of all, FUCK bees. I mean, they can all die, am I right? *laughs* And um, and
as for wiping out an entire species, that's just a mammoth problem. I'm sure there are plenty of other
animals to burn through, (beat) literally. How about giant sloths?
Keeri: They have friendly, human faces! And if you get really close to one it'll give you a hug! No shit! I
don't think I could bring myself to light a sloth on fire.
Zazzalil: Okay, alright! Then, stop eating! I don't know, what do you want me to do?
Keeri: Well if Jemilla were here, she'd do something about all the killing, and extinction, and terrible stuff
like, I don't know...stop it?
Zazzalil: You know what?! I don't want to hear about what Jemilla would do, okay? Look at how much
happier everyon-
Keeri: I won’t.
Keeri: No.
Zazzalil: Alright. Then I'll just tell you they're much happier with me in charge! You know what?
I forbid feeling nostaligic for Jemilla, forever. It's BANNED. It's banned, baby.
Zazzalil: She’s gone. She's an exile, okay? We're never gonna see her again.
Molag: And they never did see her again. She died. Mhm. During intermission, she was eaten
37
by a lizard. Of all the things. (beat) Naaah I'm playin' again! Ahhh. Jemilla's not dead! She's right over
there! About 50 feet away from the rest of the tribe. But an exile. Now get ready everybody. 'Cause
what's about to happen next is gon' be real sad. In 5… 4… 3… 2… 1...
Duck: Quack.
Duck: Quack.
Jemilla: Then again I'll bet it felt real nice to be appreciated, huh?
Duck: Quack.
38
Jemilla: Yeah. Well hey, if you'll let me I could worship again and then- maybe we could uh… nope.
Okay. There he goes. *Sobs*
Schwoopsie: Alright guys. Look, forget the old joke, okay? I-I did some soul searchin' last night
and I came up with some new material that I wanna test out! Alright, I'm gonna need a lil audience
participation for this one so Tibs, aye?
Tiblyn: Yeah.
Tiblyn: K.
Schwoopsie: Alright! Hold on, just give me just one second. *mumbling* *chuckling* Yeah, that's good.
*chuckles again* Alright. WHY DID THE CHICKEN cross the road?
Emberly: Me too. 'Cept my eyes are kinda burning from staring at it for so long. *looks around* Oh shit,
it's night.
Tiblyn: What? *notices the darkness* Oh shit. Hey, are you hungry?
Emberly: Nope.
Tiblyn: Yeah, me either. But like, would you eat some more mammoth ribs?
Emberly: Yup.
Tiblyn: Yeah me too. I'll be right back. [she exits the stage]
Emberly: Grant!
39
Emberly: Hello! Grunt: At long last!
Grunt: I went back to that bush every day hoping against all hope that you'd return! And it's Grunt,
actually.
Grunt: For many nights, I have seen the glows of this place. My heart told me to follow the glow and…
lead me back to you.
Grunt: Yeah.
Emberly: Oh...that's just some new stuff that my tribe got. It's called fire. Makes things hot. You could
look at it. Probably not gonna catch on.
Grunt: Um. Do you remember that day you shared your special skill with me? You know where you took
leaves, and berries and you mixed them together to make a new taste?
Emberly: Mhm!
Grunt: Well, I wanted to share with you MY special skill. It's something I invented. *Grunt grunting* It's
how I express myself.
Emberly: *gasps* I-I-It's a turkey! Wh- Wait, it's not really a turkey. It just looks like a turkey. How did you
do this? Did you smash a tiny turkey with this rock?
Emberly: A "painting"...
Emberly: Wait wait. Can-can you make paintings of other things? Like, besides turkeys, I mean.
Grunt: At first, I thought “no". I figured out that you can. It's just that turkeys, they're kinda my specialty.
Both: *giggling* I mean, this is probably the best thing I've ever painted. *Giggles* If you'd like I can
show you some of the others.
Grunt: Yeah?
Emberly: Mhm!
Emberly: You have his eyes! Or… are those his… his nostrils?
Grunt: They’re... well they're nostrils. Did I forget to draw the eyes? Oh, well, this one fucking sucks.
This painting is of my mother.
40
Emberly: Oo-oo-EUGH! Hoohoo! Hah… Wow! Hah...
Grunt: Yeah! Yeah! This one is one of the better ones. Yeah.
Grunt: Yes.
Grunt: My penis.
Emberly: Wow! That is so creative! What is this made out of? (tastes some of the ‘paint’) Okay I'm
detecting some mud… and a little poison berry. Very clever. And what… what is that third ingredient?
*thinks* Hm.
Grunt: Yes, the last ingredient is (beat) poop. Well that's how I achieved the light sienna and caramel
color! Seen here, see. *gesturing at painting*
Emberly: *spitting* Mhm… Uhm… Say, do you- *exhales thoughtfully* Do you think you could teach me
how to paint?
Grunt: I-I would like that very much Em- Um…ha... (he can’t remember her name) W-What is it again?
Emberly: Emberly.
Grunt: Emily. Alright. Um… Well, first thing's first. Uh, you gotta mix the mud and the berries, and the
poop together.
Emberly: Ew.
Grunt: Bu-but I've already got a pre-mixed batch here! In case I ever see a turkey. You just gotta get a
ton of it on your hands.
Emberly: Yeah.
Grunt: Cake 'em in it. Yeah. And then uh, pick up a stone tablet and let your imagination go wild. Now
let's have some fun. Like uh, I can put a little bit of brown over here… maybe a line across there- ah
GOD DAMN IT. I fucked it up.
Grunt: It's just… painting turkeys is like, my thing and I didn't think you'd paint a turkey too.
41
Emberly: Oh…ohh... I-I-I-It...*exhales sharply* It's not a turkey, it's not! It's a… It’s... it’s... it… it's a
spider!
Grunt: Well, spiders have a few more legs than that but it's not bad. I'm sorry I got upset about the
turkey. I'm just really self-conscious about my skill level. Emberly, since we met you have not left my
thoughts. Partially because that sandwich you gave me has given me diarrhea ever since.
Grunt: I was wondering… may I… paint you? So that I may have a way to see Emberly even when I
cannot "see" Emberly.
Emberly: Oh Grant, Yes, yes! I would like that so much. But I want something to remember you by too!
*Gasp* Can we paint each other?
Emberly: Oh, because you don't want mine to be so much better than yours.
Grunt: Thank you so much for understanding. But, Lo-look! You can have some of my old stuff. You can
have my "penis touches the moon"-
Emberly: You would part with this hideous, shit-covered rock for me?
Grunt: For you, I… I’d part with many of these paintings. Not all of ‘em. But I do like you a lot.
Emberly: I like you too, Grant. But I... don't want this. Alright. Paint me. *poses*
42
Grunt: I think that I got everything
The essence of your beauty
I hope you like your painting
of what I see in you
Emberly: *Gasp*
Grunt: *speaking* Alright. Here it is. I… I'm really proud of how the hands turned out.
Grunt: Beautiful...
Grunt: I was so in the moment.But you do- you do know what I was tryna go for, right?
Ducker: Nn-yes When fire was gifted from on high to the greatest tribe in the world, -Our tribe- A vessel
was chosen, Someone through whom the holy fire makes its divine will known. That vessel is me...
Someone: Huuh?
Ducker: Nyes. Was I not the one who said, -and I quote- "I will be the FIRST to renounce my faith in the
Duck!” What I didn't tell you at the time was I said that because, I foresaw the coming of Fire
Everyone: aaaah
Ducker: Mhm Mhm. Now, Since I am the only one who can hear the Fire's voice, You're going to have
to take my word for it that I was indeed chosen BUT I don't think I've ever given anybody any reason to
distrust me.
Schwoopsie: Uuuh,
43
Smelly-Balls: Oh, wait-
Ducker *interrupting*: -NOW, since I am the VICAR of Fire on Earth, I must be given, a certain amount
of, luxury. So that I may better interpret the Fire's will. I also require a symbol of this privilege! Ahh,
Uhm. HEAVY responsibility. I require… A hat. A big, silly hat! So that all may know,
that I am, The Supreme, Flame Head Wizard.
Ducker: Yeas!
Ducker: Hah! Ye of little faith, the Fire will not burn me… I'm the best. For I have faith. And now we shall
see where my faith, brings me. okay go for it.
Schwoopsie: Stop!
Tiblyn: Stop!
Emberly and Grunt: *singing* Just a taste of- WHAT THE FUCK?
Ducker: *screaming*
Schwoopsie and Tiblyn: *singing* Welcome to the stone- WHAT THE FUCK?
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Everyone: Ouch my butt! Lookout!
Smelly-Balls: I AM ON FIRRREEEE!
Everyone: *coughing*
Ducker: Damn you, Zazzalil! This is your fault. We were doing just fine living in a cold, wet, SAFE cave
worshipping a duck. You brought us fire. YOU told us to leave the cave. Well? Look what happened.
The fire ate our huts! And died!
Zazzalil: Keeri?
Keeri: She warned us. Told us that we didn't understand fire. That it was dangerous. And now we're out
here… AT NIGHT NOWHERE NEAR THE CAVE and with no fire to protect us! What if Snarl comes
back?!
Crowd: *agreeing*
Zazzalil: I… I can't.
45
Zazzalil: Who the fuck are you?
Grunt: Oh. I-I'm Grunt. I'm an outsider. I don't know too much about what's going on here but it does
look like you let a lot of people down.
Schwoopsie: Come on guys, let's get back to the cave before we end up-
Everyone: *Screaming* [Snarl grabs Grunts arm with it’s mouth and drags him offstage] *Lots of
screaming*
Zazzalil: Wow! I mean, that was a lucky break, right?! He just took that outsider! Alright guys. ‘right.
Let's get out of here while he takes that guy back to his lair to eat him okay?
Emberly: NO! No, Zazzalil! No! We have to go in there and save him!
Emberly: Well you guys… Listen, I… I know we've only known Grant for a short amount of time but…
He's a really great guy.
Chorn: Chorn!
Smelly-Balls: Hell… YEAH, CHORN! YEEEAH! YOU GUYS, If I've. Learned. One. Thing…
THROUGHOUT all of this… It's that CHORRN… means A LOT of things… to a lot of different people…
FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE. BUT… THE ONE THING… THAT CHORN MEANS… above all other
things… CHORN… MEANS… FAMILY.
Smelly-Balls: AND IF EMBERLY REALLY CARES FOR THIS GUY… THIS GRUNT GUY… then that
makes him more than just an OUTSIDER… THAT… MAKES HIIiiimm...
Emberly: FAMILY!
Smelly-Balls: FAMILY!
Smelly-Balls: YEAH!
Emberly: Alright. Alright gang. We've beat Snarl before, we can do it again.
Schwoopsie: YYYY-Ya know what?! Just… Shut up, Zazzalil. We hate you. We love Grant!
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Smelly-Balls: He-he-he-he's my family!
Schwoopsie: Alright so, Emberly, last time we beat Snarl it was 'cause we had fire. So uh... what're we
going to do?
Emberly: Okay. So uh… Gee… maybe w-w-we don't need fire… if we... have something... that looks
like fire?! Like… *ding* I have an idea. *poops behind rock and starts painting*
Tiblyn: Oh my gosh...
Zazzalil: Emberly, Really? Come on! You're just taking a shit on the ground?! This is a terrible idea!
Schwoopsie: Please, please please. I-I-I wanna see where she's goin' with this.
Crowd: *Gasps*
Crowd: Fire!
Emberly: Stop!
Crowd: Fireshitter!
Emberly: NO! NO! No! No! Nooo. It's not really fire. It's not even warm!
Emberly: It’s called a “painting". And maybe we could use it to trick Snarl into thinking that we have fire
long enough to save Grant!
Crowd: *agreeing*
Emberly: Well then let's go, gang! Come on! To Snarl's lair! We're the best!
Zazzalil: No...
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Everyone: We're the best!
Zazzalil: Come on. [talking to Keeri] I don't care if everyone else dies but not you! I’ve already lost
Jemilla, I can’t loose you too. Come on, let's get outta here. We can go collect nuts! It'll be like old
times.
Keeri: Okay! *thinks* Wait a second… This is all YOUR fault. When Jemilla was in charge and we were
complaining and breaking rules together, that was so fun! But now that you're in charge,
and there's no one else to blame, it's kind of like… fuck you? I think I'm gonna go help them. Because
Grant seems like a really great guy. I'm the best. I'm the best.
Keeri: P-LEEEASE.
Song: Backfire
*Singing*: What if I tried something new and it-
Ensemble: BACKFIRED
Chorn: Chooooooorn...
SCENE NINETEEN:
[Molag enters]
Molag: Heyyyy everybodyyy. Wassup? So, all the while, Molag, me, has been lookin' for the end
of the Earth. And I still can't find the damn place. You privileged fucks could probably just take an Uber
there whenever you want! Spend a night at an Airbnb order GrubHub You fuckin' assholes. I have been
48
walkin' my old ass off! And no dice! So I guess I can take a break to narrate a little bit. Here I go.
Zazzalil walked around all in her feelin’s thinkin' about how she messed everything up. And just when
she's just about to get real sad, a mysterious stranger appears.
[Clark enters]
Zazzalil: *moment of shock before realising how gosh darn attractive Clark is* I am lost.
Stranger: Have you tried retracing your steps until you returned to the place where you began?
Stranger: Okay.
Zazzalil: I just… I don't know what to do with my life. I fucked everything up.
Stranger: A story I have heard a thousand times. Tell me, What is your name?
Zazzalil: Zazzalil.
Stranger: Zazzalil… Ohhh. Fuck no. I've been hearing about you way too much. You're coming with me.
Stranger: To my tribe.
[Jemilla enters]
Jemilla: Well. Well. Well… Look who was wrong. You know, for a while I thought it was me. But I feel
SO vindicated seeing that it was actually you.
Zazzalil: Jemilla… What are you doing here with this tribe?
Zazzalil: Really?
Jemilla: Yeah. I'm smart and qualified to govern. What? You didn't think I'd find a new job? I mean,
you're the one who never likes to do any work and who isn't goood at anything. *Laughs* *Snort* Yeah!
So let me guess. You burned down the entire village and now Snarl's gonna eat everybody?
Jemilla: Yessssss.
Zazzalil: But guess what, J-Mils? I learned my lesson! I'm ready to step down. You're the leader again!
Just in time to rectify YOUR mistake of leaving me in charge.
49
Jemilla: Awww. I'm sorry, Zazzalil. I am not coming back.
Jemilla: Ohh... I have a new family now! Did you see my boyfriend? Clark? He is an Adonis. And it's not
just him. This entire tribe is full of the most beautiful people I have ever seeeen. And they actually
remembered that um… Today's my birthday. *Nonchalant sound*
Zazzalil: *whispering* Fuuuuuck. We remembered! Why do you think we came all the way over here- It
was to celebrate your big day! *Singing* Happy birthday Happy birthday Happy b-
Clark: Hey J, is she buggin' you? Would you like me to get her outta here?
Jemilla: No that's okay, Clark. It's alright. Hey, have the kids had lunch yet?
Jemilla: Love you, baby. Love youuu. He's so good with the kids. And it's not just him, Zazz. Do you see
ALLL these beautiful people here? These are all my family.
Jemilla: Yeah. Back in the old tribe I had zero family and ONE wife and that was Schwoopsie and then
she fuckin' told everyone to eat me so we filed for divorce.
Claire: *Laughing* Kids! What did mommy say about bothering mommy while mommy was busy?
Claire: Hi. [she notices Zazzalil] Oh. Hello, Zazzalil. I'll be right over here if you need me, okay?
Jemilla: Be good, kids. Hey, did you see that? I am one proud mammaaaa...
Zazzalil: Yeah yeah. That's pretty idyllic BUT tell you what. Limited time offer. Today only. You come
back and help us, I'LL be your wife. Hm?
Jemilla: Zazzalil...
50
Zazzalil: You like what you see? All this can be yours. *Huffing* come on.
Jemilla: Damn, Zazz… mmMm… As tempting as that is, I have to say no because I kinda hate you. And
why would I leave ALL of this to come back to a tribe of… no offence, idiots?
Zazzalil: Because…
Jemilla: No thanks.
Zazzalil: No… I… No, please don't walk into that light… Please! *she stops Jemilla* I love you.
Zazzalil: Listen. I'm a shit head, alright? I have all these ideas about how I wanna make life better or
whatever. And I just go for it! And I don't think! About what could happen. So then, when something bad
DOES happen, I ignore it. I want to make change… I just… end up making chaos. I don’t want to make
that anymore. We need peace but I can't do peace! You're the peacemaker. *starts crying*
Jemilla: *Sigh* Look, You know, sometimes chaos is good too. It's how new discoveries get made.
And as much as I want to, I can't ban those new discoveries. I mean, you can't un-discover something.
We just have to be smart about how we use it. Fire makes life easier but it's some dangerous shit. You
just want to advance. I can't blame you for that. I want that too. *Sigh* You know, maybe you and I are
like 2 sides of the same (beat) *laughs*… Uhh... I don't even know what.
Zazzalil: *crying*
Jemilla: *whispering* Oh god. I love you guys SO much. But I think I have to go back to my old tribe
now.
Jemilla: God, I knew you would! Oh you guys are SO much better than humans! What do you call
yourselves again?
Claire: "Neanderthals"
Jemilla: “Neanderthals" Man, I really hope my species doesn't wipe you guys out.
Clark: If we open up our hearts to one another in love then we can share this big, beautiful world.
Jemilla: God. Shut the fuck up! I'm gonna miss you so much, Clark! (Insert the names of stage manager
and band here) I love you guys! *Blows a kiss*
51
Zazzalil: Noted. Thank you so much.
Jemilla: Please, don’t forget me. But, It’s time I moved on now.
Claire: Of course.
Jemilla: Please. I love you, Claire. I love you! Be good, kids. I love you so much-
Zazzalil: Hey… Thanks for giving up all your boyfriends and girlfriends.
Zazzalil: [she pauses in thought] *crying laughing* Hell yes. (beat) *they share a kiss and the music
swells* What’s your plan to defeat Snarl?
Zazzalil: Yeah?
Zazzalil: Ooohhh...
Song: Together
Zazzalil: *Singing* I never think about the consequence
Zazzalil: *speaking* Hey! come on! *singing* He'll be no match against our mighty spear
52
Come on let's do it together
Come on let's do this together
Aaaaaahhhhhh~
*Huffing*
It's always better when you're by my side
There's no one else I'd rather be beside
You couldn't stop us even if you tried
Both: *speaking* We gotta save our tribe! *singing* Cus if we do it together then let's just do it together
Now you and I are together
Let's do it together
No matter what we will weather
We're in this together
Come on let's do it together
Come on let's do it together
Let's do it together
Come on let's do it together
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh~
Let's go!
Crowd: Shhh!
Schwoopsie: Sorry guys. That was a lil schwoops. *Badum-tss* It won't happen again.
Emberly: Look! Grant! Grant! Grant! Grant! Can you hear me?
Grant: Ho! Oh! Oh you-you came for me! Emer…Emi- One more time. What was it again?
Crowd: Ahhh!
Crowd: *GASP*
Grant: I know. It's like how am I suppose to practise drawing those now? I can't do that shit from
memory!
53
Emberly: Come on guys! We gotta drag him home!
Emberly: Oh wow. I thought your shouting was gonna wake up Snarl for sure but… Ooo he's out cold.
Aoohhh *Playful giggling* Tickle tickle hahaaa Look, I've got my arm in his ear!
Crowd: *Laughing*
*Pop*
Emberly: Wow you guys, I thought saving Grant was gonna be hard *laughs* And it's great that we
came prepared with a plan but I am very glad it did not come to that. Alright!
Let's go home! Come on, Keeri! Come on! Come on!
Keeri: Oh alright-
Snarl: *GROWL*
Crowd: AAAHHHHHHHH
Zazzalil: What?
Emberly: We were almost out the door and you woke up Snarl!
Jemilla: Heyyyy!
Emberly: We don't even need you right now! We had a plan the whole time! Someone hand me the
FIRE!
Snarl: *GROWL*
Crowd: AAHHH!
54
Emberly: Alright! Here it goes! Stay back, Snarl! That's right! We brought FIRE! DON'T come any
closer! I MEAN IT! I-I-It looks better from far away!
Snarl: *Sniff*
Schwoopsie: Noo! Do you think that he can smell that that fire is really shit?
Snarl: *GROWL*
Crowd: *Screaming*
Zazzalil: Alright, you heard her gang! We'll stay back here. Good luck, Jemilla. Moment of truth.
Jemilla: Uhhh WHAT THE FUCK? Get your ass over here! If we're going to do this *Song-like* we're
gonna do it together.
Zazzalil: Okay! Alright, alright. Okay. I'll stab him in one eye and then you stab him in the other and then
we'll kind of, stir his brains around like this. Got it?!
Everyone: AAAAAHHHHH!
*Offstage singing voice*: Did you see that spark upon the wall?
Jemilla: Yeah! Snarl hit his head! Quick! Let's scatter! He can't catch both of us!
55
Zazzalil: No no! I mean that, that spark upon the wall. It was… kind of like a tiny… fire… Give me your
spear head! I have an idea.
Jemilla: What, are you nuts? These are our only line of defence!
Snarl: Oh oh! Shit! Oh! Holy shit! Oh that's hot! Ow my eye! Ohh that burns! Oh please, lord! Tell my
wife I failed! Tell her I love herrrr!
Jemilla: You did it! You figured out how to MAKE fire!
Crowd: YAAAAY!
Crowd: YAAAAY!
Keeri: Nooooo
Jemilla: *Relieved sigh* We have fire again! And you know, holding it in front of me I can see that it's
actually pretty coool.
Zazzalil: Yeah, but now that we've seen how this cool, new technology can "burn" us...
Chorn: Yes. I am Chorn. I came from the sky. A test this all has been.
56
Everyone: What the fuck?
Chorn: When the Federation of Chorn seeded life on this planet 4 billion years ago, the high lords of
Chorn-a-sorn calculated that any sentient life that would rise from here would inevitably become its own
undoing.
Everyone: What the fuck? And so I watched you. I have even taken physical form to walk amongst you.
And when I felt the time was right, I brought down a photon charge from the ship. The lightning bolt that
gifted YOU… fire.
Chorn: Ohhh, I am no god. I then wanted to see if humanity was capable of harnessing this new
technology without destroying itself. I now see that you are. But you must never forget the lessons you
have learned. Balance… responsibility, a thirst for truth. Do not let the wonders you've discovered turn
you into apathetic, ignorant, or privileged fucks. Does that all make sense?
Tiblyn: What?
Smelly-Balls: FAMILY.
Chorn: Excellent. Now, I must go. But before I leave, I will bestow a gift! Grant...
Everyone: Wooaahhw...
Chorn: In order for humanity to learn its lesson, you had to lose your arm and feet.
Grunt: Me neither.
Chorn: I can give you arms where your feet used to be?
Grunt: Yess.
Emberly: NO! No. Nooo. Noo. Thank you! That's so weird. Thanks though.
Chorn: And to this entire tribe, I shall give to you the gift of my vast alien knowledge.
Song: Chorn
*Singing* Yeeeeessss
Behooooooold meeeee
I am Choooooorn
Ooooooooh from which
your world was boooooorn
The face of man I've wooooooooooorn
57
Disguising my true fooorm
Behold me now I'm here
To give to you my wisdom
The truth I've held so dear
I share now with this visioooon
I am Choooooorn
I am Choooooooooorn
Behold me, I am
Chorn: Choooooooooorn~ Ensemble: The leaves are from
Ensemble: the trees.
Just as they will.
The sky
is blue.
The clouds
are white.
The stars move across
the
sky.
And in this time
we finally know whyyyy
Jemilla: OOAH! *Panting* The knowledge… Did you see what I saw?
Ducker: And… And we all saw the temple we must build in dedication of the Almighty Duck?
Jemilla: No, that was not in there. Well guys, looks like this really is the dawn of a new age. Let's make
it a good one.
58
We got a lot to do to make it work
We got a lot to do to work it out
We got a lot to do to make it work
We got a lot to do to work it out
Everyone: Oooooooooooo~
Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooooooooo
Oooooooooooo~
Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooooooooo
Everyone: Oooooooooooo~
Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooooooooo
Oooooooooooo~
Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooooooooo
We gotta make the most of our time here
Make the most of it
Do the best that we can here
We gotta do a lot of work to make it right
Everyone: Oooooooooooo~
Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooooooooo
Oooooooooooo
aaaaaaaaah~
59
Jemilla: What if I tried something new
and opened up
my arms to you?
I know we don't always agree
But they need you as much as me
What if I
could promise more
than what I gave to you before?
So when we don't see eye to eye
I'll always give your way a try
Molag: Hey guys! I'm back! I went around the world! And guess what?!
Everyone: What?
Schwoopsie: Schwoopsie!
Ensemble 1: Make the most of our time here. Make the most of it Ensemble
2: Welcome to the Stone Age
1: Do the best that we can here. We gotta do a lot to work to make it
2: Welcome to the Stone Age
1: Make the most of our time here. Make the most of it
Ensemble: We are in a new age
1: Do the best that we can here
2: Welcome to the-
Everyone: Gotta do a lot of work To make it
1: Riiiiiiiiiiiight~
2: We got a lot to do to make it work! We got a lot to do to work it out!
60
[lights down]
61