1.

SFX: Classic 90’s Surfin’ the Web Theme song.

Lights up:
On two kids, ANDREA and CHARLIE, sit on a sofa.

ANDREA
Hello again, Andrea here with my little brother
Charlie. Today we are going to show our friends, Andrew
and Lisa, the basics of the internet. And we thought
you’d like to come along!

CHARLIE
It will be cool!
ANDREA
When we installed internet access on the computer we
had to get everyone involved.
CHARLIE
It was so rad!
ANDREA
Now that I’ve got the internet, I would rather be on my
computer than do just about anything.
CHARLIE
Totally bodacious!

ANDREA
The internet gave us so many of us new opportunities
that we never thought before. Our lives were changed
and we hope yours will too.
JOEY
(O.S.) Aaaaaaaand cut!
People all come out to check make up. Etc. We are
on a movie set.

Director, JOEY, goes over to ANDREA. Sitting in a

chair with a small skinny man in a ridiculous
bikini fanning him. Sunglasses on.
ANDREA
(Talking through lowered glasses) What it is Joey?

JOEY
Good take Andrea, we are gonna go back to one.
ANDREA
That’s not my name.
 2.

JOEY
Dame Andrea Cruise. We are going to go back from the
start of the scene.
ANDREA
Fine.
The director walks over to Charlie, breathing
heavily. He is smoking a cigarette. Charlie is
extremely wired. Like he’s on meth.

JOEY
Charlie. How are we doing?
CHARLIE
(wirey) Bodacious. It’s 1994 and I killed Kurt Cobain!
Did I say that out loud just now?

ANDREA
Joey, tell we are moving on or else I am putting his
cigarette in my own fucking eye.

JOEY
Yeah, sorry guys, we are gonna do one more and break
for lunch.
ANDREA
The set of "The Piano" was more professional than this.

JOEY
Great, we are gonna go again. Reset!
Joey exits leaving the actors to go back to go
again.

JOEY
Annnnd action!
ANDREA
Hello again, Andrea here with Charlie. Today we are
going to show our friends Andrew and Lisa the basics of
the internet. And we thought you would like to come
along!
CHARLIE
It will be cool!

Charlie throws up.

JOEY
(O.S.) Cut!!!

The director runs over to Charlie.

 3.

JOEY
Charlie? You alright?
CHARLIE
Yeah, just had some bad sushi with my cocaine.

ANDREA
Joey, no offence, seriously, I love you, no offence.
But you run a set like it’s the god damned Titanic.
Which, I was up for a role in for Ice Cube Child #1.
Cause it’s 1994. Now, where’s my Crystal Pepsi?

A sad P.A. comes out and gives a canned soft drink

to Andrea, she drinks it and spits it into the
face of the intern.
ANDREA
This isn’t Crystal enough!
She throws the can at the wall. The P.A. walks
off.
P.A.
(to himself, in a British accent) One of these days you
all are gonna remember the name Christopher Nolan.
Cause it’s 1994.
The P.A. leaves.

JOEY
Guys, I like to keep a loose set but we are running way
behind on schedule and already fifty thousand dollars
over budget. All for this instructional video....

ANDREA
Don’t worry, no-one is going to use this fucking
internet thing. Unless you can buy from it or fuck it.
It’s worthless.
JOEY
Charlie can you please keep it together for one take?
CHARLIE
Oh yeah Joey, no problem. I am definitely not a midget
posing as a child to elude authorities. Did I say that
or think it?

Joey sighs. Frustrated.

JOEY
Alright, back to one!
 4.

CHARLIE
Alright, let’s do this! I am ready to
fuck....er....film.

The scene is reset.

JOEY
Annnnd action!

ANDREA
Hello again, Andrea here with Charlie. Today we are
going to show our friends Andrew and Lisa the basics of
the internet. And we thought you would like to come
along!

CHARLIE
It will be cool!
Charlie is doing heroin and ODs on camera.
JOEY
Fuck! Cut!!!
Joey runs over to Charlie. Who is convulsing.
JOEY
Charlie. You can’t o.d. again.

CHARLIE
Ah it’s OK. This is just saline. I have diabetes?
JOEY
Why did you just say that like it was a question?

CHARLIE
I don’t know?
JOEY
You did it again. Are you making these up as you go
along?
CHARLIE
Yes?

JOEY
Fuck this!
Joey walks over to Andrea. Who has a giant cell
phone pressed to her ear.

ANDREA
What Joey? I am making reservations at a restaurant
that is literally on the set of the "Frasier".
 5.

JOEY
Sounds fancy Dame Andrea.
ANDREA
Joey come here. There is something on your face.

Andrea slaps Joey across the face.

ANDREA
It is fancy. Joey, I know I am only twelve years old.
But I was a runner up of one of the honky kids in "Home
Alone" so I know a thing or two about how to almost run
a set. And you sir are no Neil Jordan.
JOEY
Alright. Let’s push through this trainwreck and move
on!

Joey goes off stage. Behind camera.

JOEY
(O.S.) Annnnnnd action!

The scene is reset.

ANDREA
Hello again, Andrea here with Charlie. Today we are
going to show our friends Andrew and Lisa the basics of
the internet. And we thought you would like to come
along!
CHARLIE
It will be cool!
From the other side of the room, the door bursts
open. It is KURT COBAIN.
KURT COBAIN
Charlie!
CHARLIE
Kurt Cobain! You’re dead!
KURT COBAIN
That’s what I wanted you to think! So, load up your
guns and bring your friends! Cause it’s 1994!

ANDREA
Fuck the internet. I’ll be in my trailer.
Lights out.