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CELL COUNT

YOUR PRISON HEALTH RESOURCE SINCE 1995 FREE FOR PRISONERS, EX-PRISONERS & THEIR FAMILIES
On August 3rd, 2015 I was living in the
shelter for females in the city of Toronto,
THE COURAGE ISSUE - #87
make everybody happy: I can leave now,
meet Jay quickly, let him see me for a
Ontario. Fun fact: I’m originally from quick minute, I could grab the weed, set
Montreal, Quebec, born and raised. On up an appointment for after the club, if
August 3rd, 2015, I was working as a sex anything. So I told him that I could only
worker both online and on the street come for a few minutes to pick up the
corner. The weekend of August 3rd, 2015 weed. He agreed and told me to come
there was a big celebration in the city of pick him up. He was down the street
Toronto called Caribana, one of the from where I was, so I went to pick him
biggest Caribbean festivals. Another fun up. To make a long story shorter I’m
fact: I’m half Jamaican and half Nova going to be skipping over a few parts.
Scotian, and that night I keep referring to, We get to Jay’s apartment and we
August 3rd, 2015, was the closing cele- started making out and fooling around in
brations of Caribana, and was supposed the bedroom. I should mention that Jay
to be a night of celebration. was drunk when we met. Some time
It actually turned into the most horrific passes by and I’m like okay, I have to go.
and traumatic experience of my life. In Jay was already naked on the bed with
the evening hours of August 2nd, 2015, I me, but I didn’t take off my clothes cuz
was getting ready to go meet my friends that’s not what I was there for. I was
who flew in from New York for Caribana trying to get up off the bed to leave. Jay
at the club. As I was getting ready, my tackled me to the ground to keep me
friends and I were messaging each other there with him. I was able to get him off
over Facebook. My friend had informed me and get back to my feet and out the
me that he would be at the club around bedroom. Now here’s where the worst
1:30am and asked me if I could get some mistake I made comes in. Working as a
weed. I told my friend that I will see what sex worker you know (or learn to know)
I can do about the weed and that I would that no matter what room you go into
be at the club for 12:30am because in from the living room to bathroom, or
Toronto, the bars/clubs stop serving bedroom to kitchen, and you’re with a
alcohol at 2am, and I’m the type of girl client, you always carry your purse with
that likes to get turnt up when I go out. I you. See, what I did was leave my purse
was getting ready for the club when I in the living room when I first got there,
received a call from a client of mine, because I thought I could start to trust
whom I’ve had previous sexual encoun- Jay. We connected so well in our past
ters within which I provided a service, encounters and I wanted to show him
asking to see me. His name was Jay. I told that I trust him and that’s why I left my
Jay that I already had plans for this purse in the living room. Worst mistake
evening, but I could see him after I’m ever!! Why, you say, is that the worst
done with my friends at the club. Jay then mistake I made? Because when I got out
informed me that he had some weed and the bedroom, ran to the front door and
lines of coke and we can have fun. I put on my shoes, I didn’t have my purse
informed Jay that I needed some weed with me. If I did, I would have been out
for my friend who’s visiting and asked if I that front door. I had to turn back around
could get some off of him. Of course, I and go into the living room, passing by
was trying to see if I could get some free Jay as he stood there mumbling some-
weed, but I was more than willing to pay thing to himself. I got my purse and
for it, if need be. At this point, Jay then started going through it to start making
informed me that he wasn’t home, but to sure my money and everything was
"The print that I'm sending for your review and approval was drawn at a provincial women's call him when I was leaving to see where there, and checking my phone to see if I
institution with limited resources and a pencil that I had to try and sharpen by picking off the sides he was so that I could meet up with him had any missed calls or text messages. I
with my nails and I used the corner of the sole of my shoe as an eraser."- Susie Stevens to grab some weed. When I did call, as I noticed on my phone that it was 1:28am.

I fight for me, I fight for us


By Moka Dawkins
left the shelter, I didn’t get an answer, so I
thought something came up for him, or
whatever, so it’s a flop. I went straight to
the club, bought my drink, and was
At this point, Jay had started yelling at
me, saying he didn’t want me to leave,
along with a bunch of other stuff. I
continued to go through my purse to
My fight began on August 3rd, 2015 and what the choice was, first let me tell you sipping on it when my phone started to gather whatever items I needed, such as
is still ongoing 3 years later, the day what the best choice I made was. It was ring. perfume and so on, to the top of my
today is November 15th, 2018. My name not giving up. I didn’t give up on me, I It was Jay calling me back, “Hello, hey! purse so it would be accessible for me to
is Moka Dawkins and this struggle of a didn’t give up on my faith (Christianity), Where you at?” Jay asked. use as I’m rushing out the door. I also
story is still current and ongoing in my and I didn’t give up for my future broth- “I’m at the club,” I replied. wanted Jay to let out whatever he has to
life that I’m about to share. What I first ers and sisters, or LGBTQ+ members who “Sounds live,” he said. say so he can calm down, after all, I knew
want to let you know is that I am a may find themselves in a similar situation “Yeah, you should come,” I told him. he was already drunk and it was the
transgender woman, meaning I was born that I am in now. I fight for you, for us, That’s what I remember fully of one of alcohol talking. But Jay just kept going on
male externally but born with a female because too many of our community the many phone conversations I had with and on so I offered Jay to come to the
spirit/soul internally. Others may object members have taken their lives because Jay that night. I remember him being club with me, after all, I was already going
to how I explain being transgender, they weren’t free to be who they felt on persistent about me coming to see him, to be popping a bottle, so free drinks for
saying that ‘it’s a choice one makes in life’, the inside, and other countless reasons. and me refusing. There was a point him, no issue. But he said no. I told him I
but I can assure you that’s not the case It’s time for the world to recognize not where I even hung up on him and he would pay for him to get into the club,
for me, I was straight up born this way, what we are, but who we are. Not where called me right back. After a bit of going again he said no. Mind you in between
baby. Going back to making life choices, we come from, but who we’re aspiring to back and forth on me coming to see him, me trying to calm him down, he was still
I’ll be the first to admit that I made some become in the world. I don’t know how I finally gave in. I took a look at the time ranting on. I even offered to come back
bad choices in my life, and the worst much merit my voice or story is going to and said I have a few minutes to spare to see him after the club if he wanted to
choice I made landed me in the situation have in this world, but I’ll be damned if I until my friends get here, and Jay doesn’t spend time with me, and again he said
in which I am in now; but, before I tell you don’t try to be heard. live far from the club. Okay, maybe I can Continued on page 10

INSIDE THE 2 3 4-5 6-10 11-12 13-15 16


COURAGE
ART
BULLETIN
HEALTH & NEWS WRITINGS FROM RESOURCES

ISSUE
HARM & ABOUT
ON THE ON THE INSIDE
BOARD REDUCTION
BLOCK WALL PASAN
2 // bulletin board
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
Calling all artists, writers (fic- Many of our subscribers ask us if there's a way
tion, non-fiction, short stories, they can donate money to Cell Count, and since
etc), illustrators, cartoonists, we want the newspaper to remain free for peo-
poets, journalists (aspiring or ple inside, we are so grateful for the offers, but
otherwise), and other creative we don't think you should have to pay to get it.
types: A way you can help us out though is by giving
us your feedback about Cell Count!
We want your submissions! We get Cell Count is partially funded by the Public
lots of letters from our readers telling Health Agency of Canada (PHAC), and part of
us how much they love seeing all your receiving this funding involves evaluating the
work and they’re hungry for more. effectiveness of Cell Count. If you could take a
Send us your stuff and get published minute after reading this issue to let us know:
in Cell Count. When you send us stuff, 1) How did you hear about Cell Count?
please make sure you write a line in 2) Why did you subscribe to Cell Count?
that gives us permission to publish 3) Is Cell Count an important resource for you
your work. Also, let us know if you and if so, why? If not, why?
would like your work returned to you 4) In what ways has reading Cell Count affected
or sent on to someone else! Please you? Mentally? Emotionally? Please elaborate.
also type your work or write clearly if 5) If you have submitted work to Cell Count,
you can! what has that meant to you?
Writers: We get a lot of great work You can call or write to us with answers to
sent in that we are unable to use be- these questions, which we will then forward to
cause of very limited space. Apologies. PHAC! You can ask to remain anonymous as
Please consider the column width & well. Thank you! We really appreciate your help
keep articles/poems tight & to the with this :)
point. Honestly, the first items to go in
are the ones that fit nicely and leave Calling any and all trans-identified
space for others – quality and quan- people
tity! Also, let us know in writing if Some of you might know or have spoken to
it’s ok to edit your work for grammar, Aanya Wood already. She is one of the Federal
spelling and so we can fit it in. Coordinators at PASAN since June, 2018. She’s
Please note: If you do send some- been connecting with other trans women inside
thing to us, please give us a call if you and is interested in hearing from more.
can so we can look out for it in the
mail. Also, call us again at least a week While trans people make up a significant pro-
after you send it to make sure we got portion of the prison population, most people
it. If not, if you're sending in a piece describe being isolated, mistreated or having
of writing, we can transcribe it over gaps in knowledge around trans health care
the phone for you, so keep a copy of and general rights inside.
Land Acknowledgment porting does not infringe copyright.” everything you send us! Aanya would love to connect with you if you:
We're especially looking for submissions have any questions; have insight or are inter-
PASAN's office, where we publish Cell A Note about Pen Pals: from women-identified folks! Women are the ested in sharing your experiences navigating
Count, is on the historical territory of the fastest-growing prisoner population in Canada, the prison system while trans; or are looking to
Huron-Wendat, Petun, Seneca and, most Here is a list of correspondence services for
people inside (alternatives to pen pals, which is, but often their experiences are marginalized connect. If you identify as transgender and are
recently, the Mississaugas of the New Credit in conversations about the prison system. We interested in connecting with Aanya feel free to
Indigenous peoples. This territory is covered sadly, no longer a part of Cell Count):
Canadian Inmates Connect: Currently, there is want to hear your take on prison, life, family, reach her toll-free at 1-866-224-9978 ext 234
by the Dish With One Spoon Wampum Belt or anything else you're interested in writing or write her a letter!”
Covenant, an agreement between the Haude- a $35/year subscription. Your ad will be placed
on a website, and people with internet access about. We can guarantee confidentiality, and
nosaunee and the Ojibwe and allied nations
browse through to decide who to connect with. can publish your pieces under a pseudonym if CSC’s new Prison Needle Exchange Pro-
to peaceably share and care for the lands
A point of caution: you are asked to say what you want! Please submit your articles, poetry, gram (PNEP)
and resources around the Great Lakes. art, or letters to the Cell Count editor at 526
you have been convicted for, and your full We want to hear from you! After refusing for
HIV+ Client Services name will be published online. Melissa is the Richmond St E, Toronto, ON M5A 1R3 - in the
meantime, check out Concrete Blossoms on more than 20 years, the Correctional Service of
In order to be a client & access these services person to contact for more information. Write Canada (CSC) announced last year the introduc-
or call her at: Canadian Inmates Connect Inc. page 5.
you need to have confirmed HIV+ status and tion of its “prison needle exchange program”
be a prisoner or ex-prisoner (all times Eastern 3085 Kingston Rd, Suite 267, Toronto, Ontario, When subscribing to Cell Count or PNEP in federal prisons. This is the result of
Standard time) M1M 1P1 - (647) 344-3404 an ongoing court case by the Canadian HIV/
Black and Pink: Specifically for queer and trans We have been notified by a few different AIDS Legal Network, PASAN and others. The
• Phone Hours: Mon – Fri from 9-5, except institutions that if you'd like your subscription
prisoners. They are based in the United States, PNEP began in Summer 2018 at two prisons:
Tuesday mornings of Cell Count to make it into your hands, you Grand Valley Institution for Women in Kitchen-
it does not cost anything to be part of the list,
• Workshops and Programming - Scheduled and you don't have to tell them your convic- have to register at the library to receive it first. er, Ontario and Atlantic Institution in Renous,
usually on Mondays or Thursdays, give us a tion. Here is how to reach them: Black and Pink Please do this before requesting a subscription New Brunswick. Beginning in January 2019,
call or check out our website for a complete National Office, 614 Columbia Rd, Dorchester, from us just to make sure! Also, if you are inter- CSC has said it will start phasing in PNEP across
list of events we have scheduled. MA 02125 ested in subscribing please contact: Cell Count, the federal prison system. The Legal Network
• ID Clinic – 1st & 3rd Thursday 1:00-2:00 every 617.519.4387 526 Richmond St E, Toronto, ON, M5A 1R3 or and PASAN are continuing with our legal case
month - for everyone. Prison Fellowship Canada: This is a faith- call Sena at: 1-866-224-9978 ext 228 to make sure all prisoners who need it can
based, Christian organization that connects access the PNEP, and we want to hear from
• Release Funds - $50 (twice a year max) Next Deadline & New Issue Format! you. If you are in a prison with a PNEP, we are
• TTC Tokens – 2 each for clients who attend prisoners with volunteers of either the same
gender, or where there is a 15-20 year age Firstly, we want to thank everyone who sent us interested in learning about your observations
workshops and experiences of the PNEP: * Are people us-
difference. The point is for you to have an submissions for this issue of Cell Count! We are
• Harm Reduction Materials – Mon – Fri from outlet to express yourself to someone who will excited to present to our readership all of the ing the program? * Do you think the program
9-5, except Tuesday AM (Safer-Crack-Use- works? * Are there any problems for those who
listen. If you are of the Christian faith, this may thought-provoking submissions we received for wish to participate? If you are able to share
Kits, Safer-Needle-Use-Kits, Piercing Needles, be a great option for you. You can reach them this issue..
Condoms, etc.) - for everyone. your thoughts with us, please contact: Zach-
for more info at: Prison Fellowship Canada - Submissions for the next issue of Cell Count ary Grant or Aanya Wood at PASAN (toll free:
Sometimes we and the phones are very busy so National Office, 5945 Airport Road, Suite 144, will be due May 15th, 2019. We are also 1-866-224-9978) or Sandra Chu at the Cana-
please keep trying! Mississauga, ON L4V 1R9 scrapping using seasons to mark each new issue dian HIV/AIDS Legal Network at 416-595-1666
905.673.5867 (ie winter issue, spring issue, etc.), in favour of ext. 232. Both PASAN and the Legal Network
About Cell Count
Prisoner Correspondence Project: "..a sol- themed issue. As you can see, this issue's theme accept collect calls from prisoners.
PASAN publishes ‘Cell Count’, a minimum of idarity project for gay, lesbian, transsexual, is courage. The themes will be determined based
4 issues per year. We are based in Toronto on transgender, gendervariant, two-spirit, intersex, on the content we receive. For example, quite a New Women's Community Program
the traditional territory of the Mississaugas of bisexual and queer prisoners in Canada and the few pieces in this issue touched on courage, so Coordinator!
New Credit First Nation, the Haudenosaunee, United States, linking them with people who are that is why we chose it as the theme for this issue.
the Huron-Wendat and home to many diverse part of these same communities outside of pris- Hello! I am Amina Mohamed the new Women’s
Indigenous peoples. It is sent out for FREE to on." - From their website. Write to them here: Obituary Section Community Program Coordinator at PASAN. I
Clients & Prisoners in Canada. If you are on QPIRG Concordia c/o Concordia University With this section, we hope to give you an outlet am the co-founder of Rafaad! a Somali Youth
the outside or part of an organization, please 1455 de Maisonneuve Ouest, Montreal, QC H3G to express your grief so you don't have to expe- Collective working to strengthen our commu-
consider a donation @ $20 per year. We are 1M8 rience it alone. You can send in an obituary nity’s capacity to support youth navigating the
proud to release our 86th issue to you. We are Inmate Ink: "Help us bring Hope to a prisoner about someone you may have lost in prison or Criminal Justice system. If you are a Somali
also grateful for all the wonderful feedback we one letter at a time. Offers memberships from on the outside. We will start with a limit of 125 person that is incarcerated in Canada, I would
have been receiving from our readers, and en- $20 - $40. Your completed ad will be published love to get in touch with you. I addition, I
words per obituary and expand based on your am a lead artist-facilitator with Confluence
courage you to keep putting your two cents in. on our website for anyone in the general public feedback.
to view and contact you directly. For an appli- Arts, a multidisciplinary collective of artists
Our goal is to have most of our content written who aim to open up humanizing spaces to
and produced by prisoners and ex-prisoners, so cation or more info, please contact Tasha Brown Bring PASAN to your group
at: P.O. Box 53222 Marlborough CRO, Calgary explore and articulate who we all are outside
we highly encourage you to get in touch with Are you a PEC/APEC worker or part of a Prison- of, and because of, criminal convictions, social
us if you're interested in being part of the Cell AB. T2A 7L9 or www.InmateInk.ca" er run group? PASAN regularly visits and holds marginalizations, and situations of incarcera-
Count team. If you have had success using a pen pal service workshops at prisons, if you would like to request tion. With Confluence, Amina facilitates artistic
Publisher: PASAN (other than ours) and would like to share it with us to come and be a part of your work give us a creation programs in prisons and transitional
526 Richmond St E, Toronto, ON M5A 1R3 other Cell Count subscribers, please write to us call at 1-866-224-9978. It is a free call from any residences. My orientation towards centering
Circulation: 700+ - Recirculation: ??? or call. We can list it in a future issue. phone and we would love to hear from you! inclusivity and spaces that promote resiliency
All original artwork, poems and writings are the Moving? and healing is grounded in my experiences of
sole/soul property of the artist and author. Contact Numbers marginalization, poverty, erasure and occupy-
We were getting about 75 Cell Counts sent back If you are in any Federal/Provincial Institution ing a disposable body. My work is rooted in an
Fair Dealing in the Canadian Copyright Act: to us each mail-out labelled, ‘Not Here’. Please intersectional framework with the intention of
Sections 29, 29.1, 29.2: “Fair dealing for the or Detention Centre call us only with this #:
help us reduce our mailing expenses by letting Toll-free 1-866-224-9978 creating best practices and informing policies
purpose of research, private study, education, us know of any address change, ASAP! Thank that challenge systemic oppression and trans-
parody, satire, criticism, review, and news re- you for the consideration. Cell Count Feedback form communities.
3 // HEALTH & HARM REDUCTION
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
C-PTSD: a New Way to - Proud of self reliance
- Prefers to be alone when stressed
sensations. Some of these can be
done anywhere, some require a little
DO NOT attempt to hold your breath
for longer than a 10 count until you
Now using your sense of touch, no-
tice the solidity of the earth beneath
Understand Trauma - Difficulties interpreting body lan-
guage of others
set up in advance to be ready when
you need them. Some can be done
are certain your panic or anxiety
attack has 100% passed and you are
your feet.
With openness and curiosity, notice
By Fiona Bennell - Feels need to please everyone alone or with a partner. You can also in a state of relaxation that would
An expansion of the understand- any sensations, thoughts or feelings
- Can’t say no try testing them for effectiveness allow you to approach a longer term that arise, without lingering on any-
ing and definition of PTSD (Post - Fear that others are talking about with your therapist as a way to check meditation exercise.
Traumatic Stress Disorder) has been thing in particular.
you to see they are working still, when A variation of this is used in ath- Body scan
gaining popularity in survivor com- - Fear that others don’t like you you need them. Introducing and test- letics to jump into states of arousal
munities and global health organi- This is a technique often used
- Feeling that others cannot be ing new grounding and containment to prepare for a sprint or burst of in yoga and meditation, used to
zations. PTSD may result following trusted tools is part of a trauma informed explosive activity. We can use this
exposure to an extremely threaten- release stress that is building up and
- Periods of inability to feel close to approach to therapy. technique to dislodge a friend, or in is stored in your body. Kymberlee
ing/horrific event or series of events. other people The Mammalian Dive Reflex & time with practice-ourselves, from a
It’s characterized by re-experiencing Roth also recommends it as a way to
- Feeling that people will take ad- Variations: mild disassociation. Do NOT use this assess where your anger is stored in
the trauma through vivid memories, vantage of you if you do not protect Splash Cold Water on Your face technique if you are experiencing an
flashbacks and/or nightmares; strong the body. The following explanation
yourself Holding an ice cube in your hand active panic attack or extreme anxi- is cited from her book, Surviving a
avoidance surrounding the events; - Preoccupation with acceptance or until it melts. ety. Read the whole exercise out loud
and ongoing feelings of heightened Borderline Parent:
approval Finding 5 colors, 4 sounds, 3 tactile to yourself or your friend 1st. Start Sit or lie down so you’re comfort-
threat through hypervigilance and/ - Anti-social or disconnected behavior sensations, 2 smells, and 1 taste. the 1st count at 3 breaths in, held for
or severe startling. These symptoms able. Pay attention to your feet and
- No or limited interest in peers Screaming into and hitting a pillow 2 counts, exhaled in 1 count, 3 Times. legs. Wiggle your toes, then rotate
persist for at least several weeks and - Withdraws under stress until exhausted. Go to 2 Breaths in, held for 1 count,
can cause significant impairment. your feet and relax them. Note any
- Selective mutism Breath Work: A favorite is square exhaled immediately. 1 Breath in, do tension in your calves. Let go of it if
Survivors and people working in the Cognitive breathing. 4 counts inhale, 4 counts not hold, exhale immediately.
mental health field have found that it’s there.
- Memory issues hold, 4 counts exhale, 4 counts hold. Breath to stimulate vagus nerve Focus on your lower torso. Do you
the definition and symptoms of PTSD - Difficulty making decisions Repeat. (There’s more breathwork Deep inhale - joyful smile - serene
can’t fully account for many experi- feel any tension or pain in your lower
- Poor concentration below in it’s own section. This is the eyes - long pleasurable exhale. All back? Relax and take a deep breath.
ences of people living with traumatic - Difficulty starting or completing easiest one to remember for emer- these little tweaks stimulate vagus
events. Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) Notice any tension in your hips,
tasks and projects gencies) nerve which runs through these pelvic area, or buttocks. Consciously
has arisen to fill these gaps. C-PTSD - Episodes of disassociation (severe Quick Mental & Emotional Dis- areas
may develop from exposure to an relax those areas.
daydreaming or 'zoning out') traction Exercises Containment Exercises Now focus on your diaphragm and
event or series of events which are - Sudden blankness of the mind Visualizing what my body would The Container Exercise - An Intro-
threatening/horrific and are most stomach. Take two or three slow,
- Forgetfulness/memory loss be made of if it were my emotions duction deep breaths. Feel yourself relaxing
commonly prolonged or repetitive, - Memory loss surrounding the at that moment. For example, is it It’s a visualization exercise. You
where escape is difficult or impos- and note any tension you still feel in
trauma sweet wispy pink cotton candy, bun- visualize a container in which you can this area.
sible. Some examples include: child - Periods of disconnection from dles of slick wriggling worms, or thick temporarily put your stressors, or
abuse/neglect, sexual/interpersonal Note your lungs and chest cavity. Is
reality tacky black tar? whatever emotion is being problem- there tension there? Take a couple of
abuse, severe bullying, extreme - Stutter or other speech impediment Gratitude Game: Take turns naming atic for you at the time. You can have
poverty, neighbourhood violence, deep breaths and envision the air fill-
Emotional things you are grateful for with a different visualizations, there will be ing these areas. Relax more deeply.
torture, incarceration, political up- - Reactive depression partner. This feels so stupid when usually a chance to open it at least
heaval, circumstances of inequality Key into your shoulders, neck, and
- Stresses out in normal situations starting so feel free to be snarky. “I’m partially to release some stress or throat. Swallow a couple of times
and discrimination etc. In addition - Sudden feelings of sadness, anger, grateful for the hair that I want to to let parts of you flow as needed,
to the symptoms of PTSD, C-PTSD and notice any tension or soreness in
or fear with or without provocation pull out of my head right now.” After but you also have the power to keep your throat and neck. Roll your head
symptoms may include: problems - Distressing feelings of loneliness a few rounds it can soften into genu- it tight and contain your emotions.
with emotional regulation; beliefs clockwise, then counter clockwise.
- Feeling that there is no future, you ine gratitude work. Even if it doesn’t, Great when your panicky thoughts Shrug your shoulders and notice any
about oneself as diminished/defeat- have no future, your life/future will maybe you’ll get a good laugh out of keep you up at night.
ed/worthless and feelings of shame/ tension. Relax.
be prematurely cut off it with your partner. Awareness Exercises Starting at the top of your head,
guilt/failure around the trauma; and - Argumentativeness/aggression/ Gratitude variation: you have to These exercises can be used as
difficulty sustaining relationships or notice any tension or pain. Scan
irritability name something you’re grateful for “First-Aid,” if you have a little longer down to your forehead and relax it.
feeling close to others. This diagnosis - Feelings of Guilt or Shame starting with one letter of the alpha- than 5 minutes to dedicate to them.
would also line up with the growing Note any tension behind your eyes,
- Feeling that you deserve to be bet. How many things are you thank- As part of a regular or even daily your ears, in your cheeks, in your
evidence that trauma experiences, punished ful for that start with the letter “w”? practice, they can serve to ground
especially those that happen during jaw. Relax your mouth, lips, tongue,
- Lack of emotions - feeling neutral/ Are you really grateful for whales? you in the present and strengthen and chin.
development or over long periods numb *Freewriting anything (or the noth- your rate of success at attempts to
of time, can impact body and brain Go back and scan your body for any
Physical ing) that is in my head. Write write “talk yourself down” from anxiety remaining tension. Breathe deeply
development. - Sudden or frequent nausea/dizzi- write until the anger melts into what related symptoms. Some of us see
While C-PTSD has recently been and relax.
ness/faintness emotion is really underneath. them as a type of “small talk” exercise (Extra step:) Note in your journal
added to the ICD 11 (the World - Pain in the chest/heart A Quick Coherence Technique that allows you to open a dialogue
Health Organization’s international where you were holding tension.
- Poor appetite - Create a coherent state by using with yourself that can lead to greater (Roth 2009, Surviving a Borderline
health classification manual), it is not - Rapid breathing the power of your heart to balance gains in over-all self awareness and
included in the DSM 5 (the American Parent).
- Rapid heart rate thoughts and emotions. the ability to control hypersensitivity Safe place exercise.
mental health diagnostic classifica- - Inability to catch breath Step 1: Focus your attention in and reactionary behaviors. At times
tion manual). Canada uses the DSM 5 It’s a visualization exercise. It’s
- Muscle jerks, especially in limbs the area of the heart. Imagine your these practices will feel absurd and part of foundational work for EMDR,
for its mental health service provi- - Fatigue breath is flowing in and out of your you will get frustrated with yourself
sion, so C-PTSD’s exclusion holds but once you create your imagery,
- Headaches heart or chest area, breathing a little and the exercise. Give yourself the you can recall it on your own (for
consequences for the recognition - Weakness slower and deeper than usual. First grace to fail at completing the activ-
and treatment of C-PTSD by mental instance, if you are having trouble
- Hyper/hypo-sensitivity: extremely few times you can place your hand ity, make sure you have some water sleeping). You mentally visualize
health workers and health insurance sensitive to touch or insensitive to on your heart. to drink nearby, and feel free to put
providers. Many people who iden- the image of your personal “safe
pain Step 2: As you maintain your heart it down and keep trying some other place”, which can be a really existing
tify as having C-PTSD have serious - Self-abandonment/self-harm focus and breathing, activate a pos- time.
difficulties with accessing health space or an imaginary one, gradually
- Difficulty identifying or understand- itive feeling, think of a time you felt Seven Step De-Stress Exercise adding details and other sensorial
services that holistically address their ing feelings good and re-experience it. Easiest 1.Pause. 2. Feel it. 3. Notice any
symptoms and needs. There are a elements, and then scan your body
- Does not believe self body language is to remember a special place, feel sensations in the body. 4. Be Self for the positive sensations this visual-
few different reasons behind why a means anything love or appreciation for a loved one aware. 5. Notice Breath. 6. Pause
diagnosis might not make it into the ization evokes. Like all meditations, it
- Difficulty taking care of physical or or pet. Again. 7. Engage. starts and ends with deep breathing.
DSM. They may not believe there emotional needs Instant calming effect ! Mindful Walking
is enough evidence to support the Radical Acts of Self Care
- Self harm/self punishing eg cutting Quick Breathwork Exercises and It’s a technique used to foster a Quick & Revolutionary
diagnosis, they may not consider a - Seeks high risk activities Variations sense of presence in the self, focus,
creation of new terms will benefit - Gift yourself a glass of water and a
- Cavalier attitude toward death When you’re super panicked, you and reduce stress levels. It’s helpful 5 minute break, from whatever it was
the field, or the political landscape of - Failures of self-protection can count up (Square Breathing). So not just for PTSD and C-PTSD but for
the time may have impacted the de- you were doing.
- Hypervigilance/hyperarousal you do 1x1x1x1 (Breath in for Once a number of other conditions. You - Make a date to do something for
cision. There are two major political - Difficulty relaxing - always being Second, Held for One Second, Re- can do it for 5 minutes daily to see
spaces that may have influenced the yourself you have always wanted to
alert leased in One Second, One Time.) Or, positive effects. It’s especially good do.
decision. Many of the possible causes - Periods of restlessness - just until it feels ok, progress to: 2x2x2x2 for those of us on the dissociative
of C-PTSD are systemic in nature - Write a compassionately hopeful
wanting to move around or frequent (2 seconds in x Held for 2 seconds x spectrum, because some people letter to your future self
and may be connected to unequal fidgeting released for two Seconds x Applied 2 with traumatic backgrounds benefit
government policies and practices. - Write a compassionate letter to
- Difficulty falling asleep or staying times), and up in sequence until you a lot more from mindful action than your younger self
A recognition of C-PTSD could open asleep get to 4s or 5s. meditation per se -- meditation can
governments up to civil liability for - Pick a thing you have always wanted
- Jumpiness/Exaggerated startle Many Different cultures and easily trigger dangerous states for us. to learn how to do. Make a date for
the health consequences of these reflex religions have breath work exercis- The following instructions come from
symptoms of social inequality. A shift later to plan how you are going to
- Nervousness when left alone es rooted to specific meditations Stop Think Breathe: make it happen. Keep the date.
in the definition will likely bring in a Other or patterns to worship. A common As you walk, notice how your body
flood of new applicants for mental Pre-Meditated Acts of Self Care - Gifts
- Loss of interest one uses the square technique feels. to Future You
health services and benefits under - Loss of ambition described above but force-starts Pay attention to how your legs, feet
the C-PTSD label because of how - Create A Grounding & Self Care Box:
- Anhedonia the count at 4x4x4x4. This requires and arms feel with each step you the idea is to include items that tap
broad the possible circumstances - Low self-esteem/confidence you to consciously manage attaining take.
are. This is especially relevant to the into each of the senses as a way of
- An overwhelming sense of injustice the four count, a good idea if you Feel the contact of your foot as it pulling yourself back into the present
American context, where the DSM is and a strong desire to do something are experiencing run-away panic or touches the ground, and the move-
written, due to their privatized heath moment, so:
about it” anxiety. From there the count jumps ment of your body as you move into - Touch, taste (usually something
care. Here are some grounding and to 6x6x6x6. Focus on maintaining your next step.
Here is a list of symptoms as com- with a strong flavor or really spicy),
containment exercises you can use the count and pacing your breath to If you become lost in thought as sight, sound, smell
piled by r/CPTSD: if you are feeling ‘out of your body’ maintain the count. Jump to 8x8x8x8. you continue to walk, use the next Sources:
“Interpersonal/Social from r/CPTSD: Variations of this include trading step as an opportunity to start over. Is It Better to Create This New Psychiatric Di-
- Difficulty describing feelings “Quick Physical Grounding Exer- the 6 count step for 7 counts, or Now using your sense of sight, look agnosis or Not? Jordan Bray. 2015. Medium.
- Restricted range of affect cises adding count steps in the category of around and try to notice every detail. com
- Trust Issues https://medium.com/mentality-transformed/
These are designed to help re-es- multiples of two, to either side of the Using your sense of smell, notice is-it-better-to-create-this-new-psychiatric-di-
- Hates crowds tablish that feeling of being back in exercise to step up from more erratic any aromas or scents. agnosis-or-not-6deabf90cbd3
- Proud of ability to not show emo- your body, in the present by con- and panicked breathing and transi- Are you able to notice any tastes as ICD-11. WHO. 2019
tion necting your brain back to physical tion into longer breath meditations. you walk? Can you taste the air? reddit.com/r/CPTSD
4 // NEWS ON THE BLOCK
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
Jail horrors are only justified responder asked the jail staff what to care for people instead of teaching minor improvements. However, Bill nent letters on the bodies of people
because they’re hidden had happened, he says he received them a lesson. This is where jail C-83 also would allow our peniten- convicted of crimes in courtrooms
several contradictory stories. Howev- comes from, and reformers shame tiaries to keep people in conditions across England – the birthplace of
By Desmond Cole - er, a fellow prisoner in the cell across all of us with the idea we can design of extreme isolation for at least 22 Canada’s common law system of
National Observer, Feb 1, 2019 from Faqiri that night has come a humane form of incarceration for hours a day for undefined, perhaps justice. ‘T’ for theft, ‘F’ for felon, and
I’ve often thought of the superjail forward with his eyewitness account. thousands of civilians. We can either indefinite periods. ‘M’ for murder. Though this violent
in Lindsay, Ont. as one of the most “They viciously beat him to death,” get rid of jail and replace it with a But Bill C-83 has not yet been branding no longer occurs, we still
miserable places in Canada. The the witness told CBC investigative more humane system, or we can passed. The government can amend mark people through the imposition
hell space that is the Central East reporters. expect the suffering jail produces to it, or better yet, introduce a new bill of a criminal record that is often just
Correctional Centre, a medium and Of course the guards told stories continue. that truly eliminates solitary confine- as damning.
maximum security provincial jail, is that didn’t add up. Of course the It’s important to remember that jail ment. In doing so, the government A criminal record is almost as visi-
by many accounts a place of degra- Ministry of Community Safety and is not prison, the institution reserved ble a brand as the hot iron markings.
could still seek to include any ex- An increasing number of organiza-
dation and cruelty, of humiliation Correctional services, which has vid- for people convicted of the most ceptions it thought necessary. If the
and torture and death. Since jail is serious criminal offences. In Canada, tions, employers, volunteer manag-
eo of the entire incident, has never government had evidence to support ers, landlords, educational institu-
designed to be miserable, we might released it to the public or Faqiri’s people go to jail either because specific, rare, and very brief situa-
say the Lindsay superjail is one of the they’ve been convicted of a crime tions and government departments
family, who have been campaigning tions of isolation, this is something insist on criminal background checks
most effective jails in the country. It tirelessly for answers and account- that carries a sentence of two years reasonable people could discuss.
churns out punishment and suffering or less, or because they are awaiting as part of their hiring and manage-
ability. Of course the Kawartha Lakes Instead, unfathomably, Parliament ment practices. This means even
efficiently, and keeps most of its pub- police service that investigated Faqi- trial or immigration proceedings, is doubling down on Bill C-83 and
and have thus not been convicted those with minor records cannot fully
licly-funded crimes against humanity ri’s death didn’t lay a single charge. fussing over what kind of indepen- participate in society after they’ve
out of sight. What good is a jail that can’t keep its of anything. Places like the Lindsay dent review process is needed to completed their sentence.
In the rare moments we are forced violence under wraps? How do you superjail often house people accused keep someone in the newly named Canada’s pardon system, as it
to see the horrors of our jails, punish presumed criminals when or convicted of relatively minor structured intervention units. To be existed prior to 2012, provided some
we find it harder to pretend their your crimes are seen to be worse crimes, people who are meant to be sure, the concern about indepen- relief from the stigma associated
purpose is safety or self-reflection than theirs? released relatively soon into the pub- dent review is important, and is no with the criminal mark. People could
or rehabilitation. Soleiman Faqiri Of course Faqiri, a Muslim im- lic. Still, we are desperate to punish doubt the government’s response to apply to have their record sealed and
died while imprisoned inside the migrant from Afghanistan with a these prisoners, so desperate that court decisions that struck down the set aside in order to find employ-
Lindsay superjail over two years ago mental health diagnosis, was placed we ignore the long-term harm we are administrative segregation regime in ment, return to school, volunteer in
after being attacked and beaten by in solitary confinement and denied causing them and ourselves. two recent constitutional challenges their communities or secure housing.
numerous guards. To date, no one multiple visits from his family in the The high walls, barbed wire, and by the Canadian Civil Liberties Asso- This was not only a benefit to the
has been charged in Faqiri’s death. 11 days he was detained. We should paramilitary feel of the Lindsay ciation and the B.C. Civil Liberties As- individual with a criminal record,
However, the recent reopening of a expect such outcomes for vulnerable superjail are as much for the public sociation, respectively. The courts in it was good for our communities
criminal investigation by the Ontario people in any Canadian jail, but here as for the prisoners. Just as prisoners Ontario and B.C. took issue with the too. The research is clear: Pro-social
Provincial Police, and a lawsuit by Lindsay distinguishes itself: the jail must be kept in, we must be kept lack of an independent review pro- community engagement results in
his family, have turned the public is notorious for holding and abusing out. The seclusion of jail means jail cess when determining if someone decreased recidivism and increased
spotlight back on. immigration detainees, many of officials can do anything to the pris- should stay in solitary. However, this public safety.
We are so desperate to punish whom have never been charged with oners—it’s the perfect site of pure was not the only constitutional issue But unfortunately, instead of mov-
those in jail that we ignore the long- a crime. Its immigration detainees deterrence, the ideal stage for abuse, before the courts. CCLA and BCCLA ing forward on even more progres-
term harm we are causing them and have engaged in multiple hunger torture, and ultimately death. Few of also challenged the long, indefinite sive pardon laws, the Harper govern-
ourselves. #Faqiri #onpoli strikes in recent years to demand us really want to see or know what durations, segregation of people ment chose to use the file to further
During the two years since Faqiri’s more humane conditions. The Lind- goes on inside a jail, which is why it with mental illness, youth and those its law and order agenda. Changes
death, public officials inside and say jail has been cited for its rampant can never be a safe, just, rehabilita- who simply asked to be safe, and the made by the Conservatives elimi-
outside the jail have, unsurprisingly, use of solitary confinement, partic- tive, or restorative place. discriminatory use of segregation nated pardons in favour of “record
said next to nothing. While jail staff, suspensions” and made necessary
police, and government officials reg-
ularly against prisoners living with Rebranding solitary confine- against Indigenous people. Many of
relief harder to come by – especially
ularly say they cannot discuss Faqiri’s
mental health issues (such practice ment doesn’t change what it is these issues were accepted by the
for those who are already poor and
in Lindsay and elsewhere has led to B.C. court. Most are back before the
specific case, they face an existential a $600 million class action lawsuit By Noa Mendelsohn Aviv, Globe courts on appeal. marginalized.
problem with every new revelation against the Ontario government). and Mail, Jan 21, 2019 In striking down the administrative The current 10-step record sus-
about the Lindsay superjail. While In some cases, men in detention in Noa Mendelsohn Aviv is director of segregation regimes, the Ontario and pension application is needlessly
most of the public supports jail, al- Lindsay cannot escape punishment the equality program at the Canadian B.C. rulings spend pages detailing the complex and burdensome. It is a
most none of us want to know what even when inhumane jail conditions Civil Liberties Association. many harms, sometimes irreversible procedural quagmire that is almost
actually happens there. Since jail finally force them into the health There was a time when an uncon- and permanent. These include hal- unnavigable for lawyers, let alone
thrives on exactly the kind of violence the general public. The wait times
care system. Abdurahman Ibrahim stitutional government policy was lucinations, depression, anxiety, loss
we claim to abhor, its day-to-day real- to apply are unnecessarily long: 10
Hassan was detained at the Lindsay not something lamented then simply of control, paranoia, self-mutilation years for indictable offences and five
ities aren’t fit for public consumption. jail in 2012 and served four months rebranded. Once a court found it and suicidal thoughts. These harms
It’s easier to justify the violence that years for the most minor of offences.
for assault charges. At the end of his unconstitutional, the practice just ... were researched and established by And then there is the cost of well
is jail when we don’t actually have to sentence, officials cited their wish ended, especially when politicians doctors and psychologists over many
deal with it. over $600 to even apply for a record
to deport Hassan, and simply kept had campaigned against it. Not so years. suspension. Bottom line: this two-
From a deterrence perspective, jail him in the jail, where he languished solitary confinement – an old practice Justice Pentelechuk’s recent Alberta tiered system means if you are poor,
is supposed to be a disgusting and for the next three years. Hassan was that today’s Parliament loves to decision attributes these harms to you are branded for life.
scary place. We pay a ridiculous sum accepted to Canada as a refugee hate, hates to love, but just keeps on the extreme isolation faced by peo- The simple truth is that Canada’s
in taxes to keep people in jail as far from Somalia in 1993, and his family doing. ple in solitary. She wrote: record suspension system is punitive
away from us as possible—$78,4755 says he never obtained citizenship Reading the latest court decision “Arguably, it is the lack of meaning- and it must be fixed.
per inmate in Ontario in 2015/16, because of his mental health issues. on solitary confinement (R v. Prystay, ful human contact that is the most Those aren’t our words. They were
according to this report. This money In June of 2015 Hassan, who had from Alberta), one doesn’t know pernicious consequence of place- spoken by Minister of Public Safety
is not for the welfare of prisoners; it been diagnosed with bipolar disorder whether to sigh with relief that an- ment in segregation. Human beings Ralph Goodale in January 2016 when
is for a system of punishment meant and diabetes, became so ill that he other court got it so right, or cry over are not meant to be isolated, partic- he vowed to overhaul Canada’s pu-
to discipline prisoners and instill fear, was transferred from the Lindsay jail what took place. How could it be that ularly not for extended periods. The nitive pardon system. Well, it’s been
and everyone knows it. The less we to a local hospital. After hospital staff a person in our country was held for longer a person is isolated, the more more than three years and Goodale’s
have to see or think about this terror complained about his behaviour, two 400 days in the deplorable conditions challenging it is to relate to others in own record has been one of shame-
system, the more easily Canadians police officers restrained Hussan, and extreme isolation that make up an acceptable way.” ful inaction. He has done nothing to
can manage the costs, in taxes and in with one repeatedly pinning down solitary confinement? In her view: “Informed Canadians overhaul the Criminal Records Act,
human suffering. When the violence his head with a towel. Hassan died Justice Dawn Pentelechuk held also realize that indefinite placement even after aspects of it were found
of jail is accidentally laid bare, as it in his hospital room, and provincial that placing an inmate in solitary in segregation thwarts an inmate’s unconstitutional by courts in Ontario
was with Faqiri, jail loses its legiti- investigators cleared the police of confinement for 400 days – where he chance of successfully re-integrating and British Columbia.
macy. any wrongdoing a year later. suffered physical and psychological into society.” Advocates and people with criminal
Although he was charged with a vi- The only surprise in stories like harms – was cruel and unusual pun- After all, as the Ontario court records have grown frustrated by the
olent crime, Faqiri should never have those of Hassan and Faqiri is that we ishment in violation of Section 12 of found, inmates leave solitary confine- lack of initiative, but recently we were
been sent to the Lindsay superjail in occasionally find out about them; the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. ment deeply traumatized and socially provided with a glimmer of hope by
December, 2016. He had been living fatality is usually a prerequisite for She wrote: disabled. Since most return to soci- Sen. Kim Pate, who introduced Bill
with schizophrenia for several years, media attention. Indeed, the fact "Societal views on what is accept- ety, how can a practice that disables S-258, An Act to amend the Criminal
and required a level of care and sup- that Ontario refuses to officially able treatment or punishment evolve them in this manner be justified on Records Act.
port that our jails are specifically de- document the number of people who over time. Forced sterilization, resi- the basis of safety? Bill S-258 builds on decades of
signed to deny prisoners. As revealed die in its jails tells us the violence dential schools, lobotomies to treat Courts in Alberta, Ontario and B.C. research and public consultation to
in a CBC investigation into Faqiri’s is intentional. The real shock is not mental disorders, corporal punish- have all found Charter breaches do the work Goodale refuses to do.
death, fellow prisoners and even what we do to prisoners, but that we ment in schools and the death penal- in relation to segregation, and all The legislation would allow criminal
many jail staff believed he was too occasionally have to admit what we ty are all examples of treatment once expressed grave concern over the records to expire after a set time
ill for his surroundings. But a doctor do. Jail is an inherently abusive place; considered acceptable. Segregation harms associated with keeping period without a complicated appli-
refused to transfer Faqiri to a health it contrasts complete accountability ravages the body and the mind. people in extreme isolation. Even cation process and with no fee.
care facility, and guards ultimately for prisoners with an absence of ac- There is growing discomfort over its our federal government appears to If passed, this bill would also auto-
placed him in solitary confinement as countability for staff; it is particularly continued use as a quick solution to concede these harms and recognize matically grant pardons to people
his condition deteriorated. complex problems.” convicted of acts that are no longer
dangerous for people who already the need to eliminate this practice. illegal. For example, the convic-
Eyewitness says he was beaten to experience systemic discrimination in And yet our federal government Why else change the name of the
death tions for historic offences based on
society. This knowledge is supposed intends to maintain the practice of unit? Why else would the govern- discriminatory laws or records for
On Dec. 15, 2016 a paramedic was to live in the back of our collective solitary confinement – now rebrand- ment announce that its new bill will
called to the jail, where he found non-violent cannabis offences would
psyches, and to particularly remind ed as “administrative segregation.” “eliminate the use of administrative not be a lasting mark of shame and
Faqiri dead. The 30-year-old man those of us society fears most that if While the recently introduced Bill segregation”? All we need now is for
had over 50 trauma impact wounds oppression.
we step out of line, this awful place is C-83 declares that it would “eliminate the government to keep this promise Like all legislation in its early stages,
all over his body, including his neck. reserved for us. the use of administrative segrega- in a meaningful way. Sen. Pate’s bill can be improved upon
Guards, who later reported that Calls for reform are ultimately futile tion,” the actual provisions of the bill
Faqiri was “exhibiting assaultive and Since jail is supposed to be nasty, would do no such thing. It is true that Spratt and McAleese: Canada’s through parliamentary committee
resistive behaviour,” had used hand- calls for reform, while life-saving Bill C-83 would change the name of record suspension system is study, but it represents a monumen-
cuffs and leg irons to restrain him, and necessary in this moment, are the “segregation unit” to the “struc- punitive and must be fixed tal step forward for fairness, public
safety and evidence-based justice
and had placed a spit hood over his ultimately futile. Our white suprem- tured intervention unit.” It would add By Michael Spratt & Samantha policy.
head. The paramedic also reported acist, ableist, and patriarchal culture a few daily hours out of cell for some McAleese, Updated March 4, 2019 While the previous federal govern-
seeing three unknown pills on the fears incarceration that is too kind inmates. And it would offer most It’s been more than 200 years since ment offloaded the costs of pardons
floor of Faqiri’s cell. When this first and accommodating, that attempts inmates a shower and a few other a hot iron was used to mark perma- completely onto people with criminal
5 // NEWS ON THE BLOCK
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
records, in reality we all pay the
price for this broken system. It is in non-citizens on one, or a combina- had to say. cities have made progress in this Considering the above, in support
the public interest to have a robust tion, of the following three grounds: Souheil Benslimane spent time area by decreasing reliance on emer- of Canada’s Black communities and
system of pardons, not only because They are a danger to the public; behind bars from 2013 to 2018 for gency shelters through a Housing the pressing need to eliminate the
of piles of research that demonstrate they are unlikely to appear for their gun-related crimes. Benslimane said First approach, other cities are still devastating impacts of gun violence,
sealing criminal records supports deportation or other immigration contacting his family during that time struggling to find shelter space for my proposal is that Canada adopt
reintegration but also because we all matters (what officials call “flight was costly, and worrying about that individuals and families experiencing an Intergovernmental Gun Violence
benefit from a system that allows for risk”); or their identity is in doubt. affected his mental health. poverty and displacement. Prevention Strategy. This Strategy
restoration. After a person is detained, they have “I think [Bell] might care about men- Promising news came in 2018 when would seek to address the causes
The Liberal government seems a quasi-judicial hearing at the Immi- tal health of some people, but they the federal government announced a and consequences of this violence
content with the status quo, but just gration and Refugee Board, where don’t care about the mental health of new National Housing Strategy: a 10- by centering the impact gun violence
as we look back on the hot iron with the CBSA makes its arguments and a people that are incarcerated, people year, $40-billion plan that promotes has in communities, instead of over-
disgust and revulsion, it should re- government-appointed adjudicator that are isolated, people who are a human rights-based approach to emphasizing a focus on the individu-
member that future generations will decides whether detention should
view its inaction in the same way. often, you know, put away, far from ‘address the needs of people across als responsible for the violence.
Michael Spratt is an advocate for progressive continue. Some detainees have law- sight. the whole spectrum of Canadian Addressing the impact of gun vio-
criminal justice reform and a partner at the yers, but many represent themselves I think that they have to address it, society’. lence requires comprehensive and
Ottawa criminal law firm Abergel Goldstein at the hearings, which occur after the
& Partners. and if they do then I’ll say that they Some “unique challenges” en- coordinated interventions from all
Samantha McAleese is a social justice first 48 hours, seven days and then care about mental health for every- countered by people with criminal three levels of government. This is
advocate, PhD Candidate in sociology at Car- every 30 days thereafter.
leton, and a member of the Criminalization one. For now, they’re selective about records, such as “legal discrimina- because in most major Canadian
and Punishment Education Project. What is not discussed at the hearing their care.” tion by landlords”, which effectively cities Canadians rely on municipal-
Hundreds of nonviolent is in what kind of facility the detainee Farhat Rehman is the mother of an eliminates them from many safe and ly-directed police services that are
immigration detainees sent will be held. That decision is made inmate and a member of Mothers desirable rental housing options. empowered by provincial legislation
to max-security jails as part solely by the CBSA and is not subject Offering Mutual Support (MOMS), In Ottawa, this discrimination is and dependent on various Canadian
of ‘abhorrent’ government to any external oversight. This aspect a group that helps mothers whose manifested through the Crime border protection services to keep
program of the system was criticized by Justice loved ones are behind bars. Her Free Multi-Housing program that is illegal guns out of Canada. Moreover,
O’Marra, who said the current system son was deemed unfit to stand trial facilitated through the Ottawa Police access and availability to health and
By Brendan Kennedy Jan. 24, 2019 “contains no mechanism to ensure owing to mental illness for four years Service and encourages landlords to community services for communi-
Canada’s immigration authorities proportionality between the flight before he was found guilty of sec- conduct criminal background checks ties impacted by gun violence is a
locked up nearly 1,500 nonviolent risk which he has been found to ond-degree murder in the stabbing as part of their rental application multi-level government affair. Our
immigration detainees in maxi- be and the actual conditions of his death of a friend and mentor. process. Apart from this program, health and social services are public
mum-security jails last year, the Star detention.” “It does take a toll, because if I don’t people with criminal records are health institutions that are heavily
has found. To determine where a detainee keep in touch with him then he has a often excluded from rental hous- reliant on federal transfer payments
While they may have criminal re- will be placed, a CBSA officer fills tendency to fear the worst has come ing options due to a lack of prior — and are simultaneously implicated
cords, the detainees were not consid- out a form known as a National Risk to me because he does suffer from landlord references or because they in mending the physical and social
ered dangerous by the Immigration Assessment for Detention, which was this sort of hallucinatory idea that I’m simply cannot afford market rent fissures that are a cause and conse-
and Refugee Board. Almost all were revised last year. The Star revealed not well.... So that reassurance and prices. These obstacles, amongst quence of eruptions of gun violence
detained solely on the grounds that problems with the risk assessment that communication with him is so others, often push people back into in communities across Canada.
they were unlikely to appear for their forms in 2017, including officers essential. homelessness and leave them (once While the government of Canada has
immigration hearing. leaving key areas blank and, in one There are some voices that have again) at the mercy of bad public pol- endeavoured to initiate an intergov-
A Star analysis of government sta- instance, an officer admitting on the been left out of the conversation, icy that criminalizes poverty – such as ernmental approach to gun violence
tistics from April 1, 2017 to March 31, form that they had not been trained and there is a huge segment of soci- Ontario’s Safe Streets Act. already, this effort fails to adequately
2018, found that 80 per cent of immi- to fill it out. The new form has been ety that is very vulnerable and very The ongoing exclusion and discrimi- address the root causes of this vio-
gration detainees held in provincial in place since last February. dependent on the service that [Bell] nation faced by people with crimi- lence. The current approach is overly
jails — rather than less restrictive One of the most confusing provides.” nal records in the community calls reliant on policing and prisons as the
immigration holding centres — were explanations the government has Sarah Speight is a volunteer with for additional advocacy, targeting solution. For instance, in November
not detained on the grounds that given for why it has relied so heavily the Jail Accountability and Informa- individual and structural changes. As 2018, the federal government an-
they were dangers to the public. Data on provincial jails for immigration tion Line, a hotline for inmates at the Canada and other countries (such nounced an $85 million commitment
from the months since then shows detention is that its own immigration Ottawa-Carleton Dentention Centre as England, Scotland, and Wales) to law enforcement to address gun
the rate is unchanged. All provincial holding centres were not equipped (OCDC). She said she gets calls every continue to work towards ending and gang violence, while committing
jails are maximum security. to handle the kinds of detainees its day from prisoners who’ve been un- homelessness through the adoption $7 million to Toronto for a com-
“It’s abhorrent for the government policies said they should. Toronto’s able to pass on essential information of rights-based housing policies, the munity healing program to prevent
to be placing people in maximum-se- Immigration Holding Centre needed to their families. criminal justice voluntary sector must and assess this issue. This lopsided
curity jails that it acknowledges are to be renovated so they could ac- “To tell them that they’re in jail, remain active and vocal to ensure funding ignores decades of literature
not a danger,” said Subodh Bhara- commodate such detainees. The new that they have a court date, that they that people with criminal records are that shows that creating inclusive
ti, an immigration lawyer at the facilities, which will replace existing need bail. They can’t contact their not left behind. community economic development
Community and Legal Aid Services ones, will allow the CBSA to make families to let them know that they’re and social well-being in communities
Program at Osgoode Hall Law School. them the “default detention location not missing. And so we see every Divest from Police to Re-Invest is the best public safety measure we
Bharati said that by the government’s for most detainees,” Bardsley said. day the challenges experienced by in Communities have against gun crime and associat-
own description, immigration deten- The government says provincial jails prisoners. Feb. 19, 2019 by Anthony Morgan ed violence in communities. As such,
tion is explicitly administrative and will still be used for the “highest risk” It’s an immediate thing that we For Black History Month, the Institute the new strategy I propose here,
not punitive. “But incarceration in a detainees and in parts of the country know is causing serious harm to launched a policy series highlighting would be focused on creating robust
maximum-security jail is punitive by where there is no immigration hold- prisoners’ mental health, to their bold policy solutions in order to tack- education, jobs and training oppor-
its very nature.” ing centre. well-being, and it’s harming their le anti-Black racism, focusing on the tunities, and by doing so, prioritize
While the Liberals have reduced families as well. Could you imagine cutting at the roots of this problem.
the use of jails — roughly one-third Protesters call on Bell to fix need for intergovernmental action.
sitting outside, wondering [where Recognizing that guns are tools of
of all immigration detainees were phone system for inmates Each submission proposes a plan
your] kid is because you don’t know for governments to work together to the trades in profit-driven worlds of
sent to provincial jails under Stephen Robyn Miller · CBC News · Posted: they’re in jail?” tackle a problem; while serving as a crime, this Strategy would focus on
Harper’s Conservative government, Jan 30, 2019 3:32 PM ET | Last Updat- In a statement, Bell Canada said guide for advocates working towards aggressively supporting and facili-
compared to 20 per cent last year — ed: January 30 that “rates for operator-assisted [what should be] our collective effort tating full and effective participation
the latest statistics show that more Critics are calling on Bell Canada to collect calls from Ontario correctional to eradicate anti-Black racism. of Black and other at-risk racialized
than three years after Goodale’s Lib- fix its phones inside Ontario’s jails, facilities are the same as Bell’s public Gun violence continues to be a young people in the formal econo-
erals took power, Canada continues a system they say is contributing rates.” chronic social cancer festering in the my, including, in the areas of tech,
to routinely use them for nonviolent to feelings of isolation and despair margins of municipal metropoles construction and the trades. The aim
detainees. among inmates. Homelessness and the criminal of the proposed Strategy would be to
justice non-profit/voluntary across Canada. Impoverished and
The use of jails and the “co-min- Protesters stood outside Place Bell under-resourced Indigenous, Black create more viable economic options
gling” of immigration detainees in downtown Ottawa on Wednesday, sector to compete with illegitimate trades
and racially disadvantaged communi-
with criminal detainees has been coinciding with Bell Let’s Talk Day, By Samantha McAleese ties bear the brunt of the burden of in drug, sex and merchandise that
repeatedly cited by human rights the company’s annual campaign to There is an ongoing cycle between our country’s gun violence problems. drive much of gun violence in com-
groups, detainee advocates and the raise awareness of mental health incarceration and homelessness So, when the CBC reports that, munities. In sum, this new Strategy
United Nations as a major problem struggles. experienced around the world. In “Shootings have been on the rise for would focus on creating conditions
with Canada’s immigration detention About 50 people braved the cold to Australia, for example, almost 25% the past few years,” we cannot view of economic safety and well-being in
system. demand the telecommunications gi- of prisoners in New South Wales these facts with a colourblind public impoverished communities through
Immigration detention in Cana- ant lower the cost of outgoing phone experience housing instability prior and collective conscience. intergovernmental policy, planning
da occurs in two types of facilities: calls for inmates in the province’s to incarceration and “thousands of When examining gun violence, it’s and service delivery.
federal immigration holding centres, jails, and allow inmates to dial out to people [are] released from prison important to remember that inter-ci- A national anti-gun violence strategy,
of which there are three across the cell phones. Right now, inmates can into homelessness in the community vilian and state-civilian gun violence focused on community development
country, and provincial jails. Immi- only make collect calls to landlines, each year.” We see similar occur- are not morally or structurally and safety would also likely lead
gration detainees are not criminally preventing many from connecting rences in the United States and in equivalent. The state has a monopoly to community well-being improve-
charged, but when they are sent to with loved ones. England, where the ‘revolving door’ on the legitimate use of lethal force. ments: access to social well-being
a provincial jail they are treated the That issue came under the spotlight between incarceration and home- So, when police shoot or kill a civilian, services, such as counselling and
same as any other prisoner. last year during an inquest into the lessness is propelled by a lack of due to the profound power imbal- other mental health services, would
Immigration holding centres are death of Cleve Geddes, a mentally ill community-based supports for men- ance between police and civilians, gradually increase.
medium-security facilities exclusively inmate whose family said was unable tal health and addiction, a scarcity of police-involved gun violence always Finally, this proposed approach to
for immigration detainees. Detainees to reach them because they only had affordable housing, and poverty. triggers a deep tear in the social con- gun violence offers immense oppor-
are not locked in their rooms, are cell phones. Geddes died after trying In Canada, approximately 35,000 tract that governs our communities. tunities for innovations in socio-eco-
able to move much more freely with- to hang himself while in a segregated people are homeless on any given Both inter-civilian and police-involved nomic policy and programming
in the facility and have easier access cell. night, and at least 235,000 Canadians gun violence have different but still development across Canada. These
to phones and visitors. None of the The inquest jury also called for experience housing insecurity over disastrous impacts on communities, innovations would not only improve
immigration holding centres are at or an end to the landline-only phone the course of a year. Ending this especially on Black, Indigenous and the lives of members of Canada’s
near capacity. restriction. homelessness crisis is a priority for racially disadvantaged communities Black communities, but the lives of all
The Canada Border Services Agency Here’s what some of the protesters cities across the country. While some most commonly affected. Canadians.
has the power to indefinitely detain
6 // writings on the wall
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE

The Merman By Mary Ellen Young


There was a lady that was so sad. She went
from one man to another and couldn’t find love.
No man wanted her. She even made it clear she
was seeking love and companionship, and still
no one, no man wanted her. The woman had a
nice heart, a lot to give and lots of love. She could
clean, cook, make love, had the most gorgeous
eyes and nice full lips. She had such a pretty face,
she had it all. She lived up in the Arctic Ocean
area, where polar bears dwelled, seals lingered
and balugas swam near. One day she went to
the waters, sat so lonely and looked out into the
ocean, wondering to herself, what could be so
wrong with me? Why does no man want me?
What did I do so wrong? Then she began to cry into the Arctic Ocean,
her tears ran down into the ocean. Continuous tears, she was so hurt
and brokenhearted. Then, out of nowhere, a handsome man swam up
from beneath the ocean! She stopped crying. He was the most beautiful
man she had ever seen! He climbed up and sat with her. He held her and
asked her why she was so sad and heartbroken to the point of crying.
She looked tearfully into his eyes and replied, "No man wants to love
me or be with me, I don’t know what I did wrong. I know that I’m pretty, I
can cook and clean, make love, I have it all." The woman looked down to
where the man's legs would be and said, "You have a fishtail!" He replied,
"Yes I do, I’m half-man, half-fish. I came for you, I’m here to love you and
to be with you if you wish." The woman nods yes. The merman then lift-
ed his fishtail out of the water and it turned into legs! He tells her, "I can
be on land with you for 8 years, have a baby with you, then the 3 of us
will have to come back to live in the water." The woman agrees, so they
walk back together to her house. They live together, have a baby, and
8 years later, they go back to the same spot. The woman, merman, and
child all happily go into the ocean together.

GirlTalk
Hey y’all this is your girl Moka, and welcome nity got together to protest Q: Do you feel that the and was around in 1981 when the bathhouse
to the first edition of my column, Girl Talk. What for their rights and those institution offers proper raids took place and the protest which lead to
you can expect from me in this and future who were affected by the protection for LGBTQ+ the pride parade.
columns to come is to touch on topics that raid. This march of cour- members? Q: Please tell me what you can remember of
are very alive and real in today’s world. I will age, determination, and fearlessness By Moka Dawkins A: NO what happened back in 1981 when the gay
be talking on subjects such as human rights formed what we know today as the Q: What do you feel the institution can bathhouse got raided?
issues, policies and politics, lifestyle, persever- pride parade. That protest lead to the Dec. 2, do to better the protection for community A: I remember seeing the busted down doors.
ance and much more. 1986 ruling that it would be against the law members? Q: Were you apart of that raid?
In this cell count issue #87, I am honored not to hire or rent to persons who identify A: Make things more known like advertising A: No thank god
by being the “cover girl”, along with my story as LGBTQ+. Before that ruling came about in that there are LGBTQ+ members in jail. Q: Were any of your friends arrested in that
of what I had experienced in my life and how Ontario even the government could refuse a Q: What about an LGBTQ+ range? raid?
my fight lead me here in my cell writing this LGBTQ+ person certain services. A: I don’t think that would be appropriate. A: No
column for PASAN and you. This column is You know sometimes I wonder if that raid had Q: Why? Q: How did you hear about what happened?
meant to bring awareness and reality to real never happened, would that 1986 ruling have A: A lot of sexual acts may happen. A: I went to the bathhouse Club Toronto a few
issues happening inside and outside of prison ever happened? Even though it was a very neg- Q: What about federal prisons? days later and found out from an employee
walls, as well as a sense of accomplishment for ative traumatic event that happened to those A: People are more in and out in provincial there. He told me that they put everyone in
all those fighting for change and the right to be men, what they endured during those times rather than federal. handcuffs naked and even one officer took a
heard. made a positive change and a brighter future Q: Why support the stigma against your own piss in the frozen pool that was outside. They
I welcome all feedback and suggestions about for the community. I consider those men to community? had people in handcuffs naked in the cold, this
and for topics that I write about. My contact be unknown heroes. They were literally on the A: Because I don’t think it’s a good idea. I think happened in the month of February.
information will be provided at the end of each front line of the battle and because of them our the risk for HIV is higher in prison. Q: That summer of 1981 when the community
column, so please don’t be afraid to reach out war for rights was won. They’re our unknown Q: The people who got arrested in the 70s and took to the streets to protest, were you apart
and let me know what you think. village soldiers. 80s and fought for the liberations we have of it?
Now with that being said let’s move on to the Because of them the next war against gay today, what would you say to them who experi- A: Yes, even the police were there but to only
subject of interest: LGBTQ+ Rights. marriage was won, that was another 20 year enced jail in those days?
keep peace.
Are you a LGBTQ+ person or do you know battle. In 2003 the first gay marriage hap- A: If they said it was appropriate I would think
Q: Have you ever been gay bashed during
someone who is? Did you know in Canada it pened, it was accepted provincially but it didn’t they’re crazy, if the law changes again and they
was once illegal to identify as LGBTQ+ and if become fully accepted throughout Canada jail you, you would be put on a list in orienta- those times?
caught you would be thrown in jail and left federally until 2005. tion and once on that list you’re on that list and A: I’ve experienced discrimination in passing,
with a criminal record? This prevented a lot of Looking back at the history of the community that scares me about the government. like people making remarks to me.
people from getting work. I am apart of, I do nothing but feel proud and Q: Why is your fear more in jail than outside? Q: What about your family did they accept you?
If the community you lived in found out, they wonder what can I do in and with my lifetime A: Because violence is more frequent in jail A: Yes
would shun you and throw you out of their to make a difference in a positive recognition than outside. Q: When did you come out to yourself?
places of business. Imagine going to your local for my current and future brothers and sisters. Q: Do you live in fear when you’re openly out A: I came out to myself in 1976 and to everyone
corner store to buy a loaf of bread and the Then it dawned on me, an LGBTQ+ unit here on road walking around? else in 1980 when I moved to Toronto.
owner of that store refusing to sell it to you just at the Toronto South Detention Center. This A: No Q: Do you think it would be beneficial to have a
because you got arrested under suspicion of unit can start to send a message of awareness Q: Have you ever been gay bashed outside? LGBTQ+ range in jail?
being a LGBTQ+ person. Imagine it being like as well as acceptance towards the community A: Yes, and those type of people are in jail. They A: Of course I’m 100% behind that.
that everywhere you went in your community. inside prison walls. might not be able to shoot me but they can still Q: My last question for you is what do you think
That you were left with no choice but to move So I put together a proposal and submitted it beat me up or stab me. about the police being part of the pride parade
somewhere far just so you could buy food to to the Superintendent, which I am still await- Q: So that’s what makes it scary for you to be after everything?
eat. And still had to live in fear and hoped that ing a reply on. I then went and spoke to some open about your identity in jail? A: I don’t think it would be beneficial to have
a potential employer didn’t run your name for individuals who identify as LGBTQ+ and asked A: Yes them there.
a police background check. them a series of questions, and I have to say I Q: Going back to what you said about being This was a great learning opportunity for my-
This was the lives of many of my brothers and was surprised by some of their answers. scared that the government could change the self to sit down with these two brave men and
sisters, and the daily discrimination and ridicule I would just like to say at this point to ensure law and criminalize people for being openly learn insight on this subject to help me prepare
that they had to endure. This is how the right the privacy of the two individuals I interviewed, LGBTQ+ persons again. Please tell me why do for whatever objections may arise in my fight
for self expression was born. It wasn’t until I will be using alias names. And I would also like you think Canada would reverse a law back to for this LGBTQ+ range.
May 14, 1969 that it became legal to identify to thank them for being honest and taking the its old way when Canada is known and also I also want to take a moment to acknowledge
as an LGBTQ+ person, but even with legisla- time to sit and speak with me, your participa- promotes to be a country of freedom and
all those men who got arrested and for all the
tion passed the LGBTQ+ community still faced tion is greatly appreciated. diversity?
horrific discrimination. The first person I spoke with, we’ll call him A: Who knows. community members who got together during
In 1981 the police decided to conduct a raid “Arrows”, is in his mid-20s and I have to say his You know the funny thing about doing that those times and stood up for themselves to
on gay bathhouses (in Toronto), arresting a point of view on things definitely shocked me. interview with Arrows is that I’ve known Arrows make this country a more united place to live.
ton of gay men and throwing them in jail. The As he and I are close in age, myself being a few for years on road and he is one of the biggest Your courageous bravery will never be forgot-
police raid subjected these men to violent years older, we see certain things in completely Queens I know out there. So to hear those ten. Thank you PASAN for allowing me to share
assaults and getting raped behind prison walls. different lights. Here are the questions I asked responses really caught me off guard coming this with everyone and thank you for taking the
Once released it was difficult for these men to Arrows and the responses he gave me. from him, but whatever. I appreciate his input time to read Girl Talk.
find a place to live and work because landlords Q: Why do you try to suppress your identity to and I’m going to leave that conversation with a If you have any suggestions, opinions, or
and employers still had the right to refuse to other individuals? #SheWeird #KnowYourself. ideas you would like to share please write to
rent or hire an LGBTQ+ person. A: Cause I’m scared of getting beat up and The next individual I spoke with I will refer to me, addressed to Girl Talk at 526 Richmond St
In the summer of 1981 the LGBTQ+ commu- made fun of. him as “Silver Coin”. Silver Coin is in his late 50s E, Toronto, Ontario, M5A 1R3.
7 // WRITINGS ON THE WALL
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
The Girl with The Tattered Crimson Dress A Case for Cultural Consideration I remember on occasions when I would go to
the store with a relative, an employee would
By Horaine Bennett drop whatever they were doing to ask us if
Contents they “could help us with something” (this was
- Preface on the rare occasion when they would not just
- My History outright shadow us). This would seem altruistic
- Culture Shock if not for the fact that some of these stores
- Culture Clash had dozens if not hundreds of shoppers, they
were in the middle of something, and customer
- Conclusion service was not in their job description. This
- Postlude however was not even the tip of the iceberg.
PREFACE From berating reprimands when gentle remind-
Some years ago a professor at Cambridge ers were warranted, to stiff penalties in place of
University* deduced that all human beings are peremptory cautioning, one could argue that I
much more closely related than once thought. was not often given the benefit-of-the-doubt or
The prevailing theory was that we are 99.9% much discretion. That would be well within the
the same in terms of biological make-up. He authorities’ right if not for the fact that these
deduced that in fact, we are less than point-one events would be coupled with clear abuses
percent biologically different. His position is of power. From attempting to plant drugs on
that it is that slight variation in genetics that dif- me, numerous vicious beatings that started at
ferentiates us and imparts our parents’ physical 8 years old, to laying serious criminal charges
attributes (i.e. eye colour, skin tone). that I had no knowledge about or participa-
However, even this slight deviation is not tion in. Yet, whenever I would broach these
uniform as is evident in the case of an albino. factual events and my thoughts and feelings
One can have dark-skinned parents and still about them, I would instantly be shut down or
produce a pale skin child with blue eyes and worse. I would be called everything from a liar,
Photo by Hernan Sanchez from Unsplash straight blonde hair. In an ideal world we would anti-authority, delusional, to racist. That last
all be treated with the same degree of respect, one was always quizzical because oppression
By Zakaria Amara There is something incredibly beautiful about dignity, and humanity, but this utopia only is colour-blind and can be carried out by some-
We could escape from prison, but we can a human being who strives to be as positive existed conceptually in the form of Christian one, or entity of the same ethnicity.
never escape from ourselves. We can try to dis- and good as they can be despite the harshness virtue. My reality is much different, and though CULTURE CLASH
tract ourselves from ourselves by flooding our of their lives. Though their backs are on the we are similar, we are not the same. This is CONCLUSION
lives with every luxury our hearts desire. We verge of collapse from all the burdens they how and when I was forced to realize that. POSTLUDE
could try to fulfill every fantasy our minds can must carry, they somehow find the strength to MY HISTORY I am not of European descent. The ICPM pro-
imagine. We could do all of this and may even hold on to their values and dignity. Such people On September 24, 1987 in (redacted), Horaine gram is based on a pool of middle-class, white,
feel “happy” for a while, but soon, that hollow never blame their Creator for their misfor- Bennett was born in Kingston, Jamaica. As the relatively young, Eurocentric test subjects. Very
feeling, that sharp painful angst, returns. tunes, but surprisingly, thank him. They never last born (the “wash belly”), it was a difficult little to no thought was given to cultural differ-
Almost everything we do in life, we do in backstab those around them, but instead heal birth that almost cost my mother her life. The ences, distinctions, practices, and traditions. At
order to feel “happy”, yet most of us, includ- them and uplift them. A person who chooses to decision was made that I would stay in the no point have I, or am I, trying to suggest that
ing myself, have never taken a moment to behave in this manner in such circumstances hospital with her during her extended period of because I grew up in a different environment
ponder over what this seemingly simple word displays the epitome of human beauty. treatment and recovery. Admirably, even in her than most Caucasians, that my crimes should
actually means (please forgive me if I sound Omar bin Al Khattab once said: “We found the moment of debilitating weakness, she mus- be critiqued or viewed differently than anyone
like a douche bag in the first half of this essay; best moments of our lives were those lived in tered the strength to nurture me. Undoubtedly, else who committed similar crimes. What I
it was one of the side effects of researching patience”. Sigmund Freud echoed his sentiment this event cultivated a deep-rooted bond that am suggesting though is, that the underly-
what armchair intellectuals had to say on the 1300 years later when he wrote, “One day in would be the only thing that tethered me to ing factors when considered in terms of the
subject). retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you humanity. cumulative impact in distorting my thinking
My search for the meaning of “happiness” as the most beautiful.” During the first four years of my life that and rationality, cannot be divorced from all the
began in a mundane fashion in the prison So, people living in hardship could achieve I lived in Jamaica, I experienced sights and other factors that were, and still are, opined as
library. I picked up books like ‘Stumbling Upon beauty, but I still wondered whether Ben-Sha- sounds that result in some soldiers suffering crucial components.
Happiness’, ‘Happier’, ‘The Happiness Project’, har was right about happiness being beyond from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). My reality was, and will continue to be differ-
and ‘The Happiness Equation’. Those were just their reach. This question nagged at me for Despite the constant scenes of horror, the fact ent than each and every Caucasian. Even if all
the titles available. Apparently, many other some time until I remembered the words of that I was raised in a God-fearing household in things were created equal and we lived identi-
books have been written on the subject, such ex-Soviet prison camp survivor Alexander Solz- a community (and country) steeped in culture, cal lives, the x-factor is that I am consciously or
as: ‘The Art of Happiness’, ‘The Conquest of henitsyn, who wrote: I was whole. subconsciously counted as a beast of burden
Happiness’, ‘The Psychology of Happiness’, ‘The “If a miracle happens (in prison) and I get a I was often considered and referred to as due to my darker pigmentation. I could live
How of Happiness’, and on, and on, and on... quiet Sunday off, and in the course of the day “bright,” “a boy with promise,” and there was with that though. What is much more difficult
In one of the books, I found a reference to my soul thaws out and is at ease, there may not a basis for it. A glaring example was my ability to live with, is the fact that it is not just a view,
a psychological study that cited 15 different have been any change for the better in my ob- to find a local shop-some distance away-and but a belief. Racism, racial prejudice or bias,
academic definitions of happiness! People have jective situation, but the prison yoke lies more purchase a specific item for whomever at the however one wants to categorize it, cannot be
been so fascinated by this topic that scholars as lightly on me. And then suppose I have a really age of 3+. I would find out later on in life after very impactful unless it is coupled with the abil-
ancient as Aristotle have written about it. satisfying conversation or read an honest page some testing at a lab, this was possible “due ity to exercise exclusive power and authority.
Not being one to be satisfied by mere read- – there I am, on the crest of a wave! I’ve had to photographic memory.” However, almost In order for one’s power to reign supreme, that
ing, I hosted a mini conference in the prison no real life for many years, but I forget it! I’m as a prelude, the tears streaming down my individual or entity must deprive and suppress
yard with three learned cons. As I walked weightless, I’m suspended in space, I am disem- cheeks captured in my Passport photo, would contrasting people, groups, or entities.
away dissatisfied with their answers, a short bodied, I lie there on top of my bunk, I look at summarize my experience when I immigrated
Indonesian man with balding gray hair, thick
glasses, and a big, semi-permanent smile
the ceiling just above me, it’s bare, the plaster’s
peeling, but I shudder with the sheer bliss of
to Canada with my family
CULTURE SHOCK
Correcting Yourself
greeted me and shook my hand. I immediately being! I fall asleep on the wings of happiness! Almost immediately upon arrival, I was By Michael G. Brown
asked him about his opinion on happiness, and No president or prime minister can go to sleep terrified when I saw “aliens.” I remember being I want to focus on you and your time right
he answered me with an even wider grin, that as content with the Sunday behind him.” glued to just behind my mother’s right leg seek- now. Forget everyone else, their time and
‘happiness is happiness!’ And that’s when it hit me, and I begin to write: ing shelter and protection. I vividly remember everything outside of you. Forget about “why”
Technically, he was right. Or, rather, he was the feelings of powerlessness and terror as I you are here, whether justifiable or not. Forget
not wrong. No one can deny that a soccer ball The Girl With the Tattered Crimson Dress saw these aliens streaming by me with their about your rights, the subculture and who is in
is a soccer ball… But that’s not a real answer, is Everyone wants to be happy pale skins, light coloured eyes, pointed noses, here with you. You are here and that is a fact.
it? Disqualification was the Indonesian man’s But no one knows what it means and thin lips. Eventually after powering our way Right now, I want to talk about you and what
fate, and the search continued. I asked one hundred wise men through the throngs of aliens and getting into you are doing while you are here. Anyone can
In ‘Happier’, Tal Ben-Shahar’s equation for One thousand answers I received my sister’s vehicle, I asked my “mummie,” “why watch TV and work out but what else? You are
happiness is: “Meaningful life + present plea- With absolute disappointment we come yaw (why did we come here)?” and here for correcting, and with or without pro-
sure = happiness.” He writes: “We need the Empty handed I returned “who ah dee alien dem (who are these aliens)?” grams, correcting yourself is your choice alone.
experience of meaning and the experience of On a path through a dark forest “Dem ah white people,” she responded curtly. Programs will most likely not make you better
positive emotions; we need the present and fu- A little girl passed me by I also remember trying to avoid the snow as but you can.
ture benefit. My theory of happiness draws on With hair as dark as charcoal it was falling because I thought it would harm First and foremost, your attitude will dictate
the works of Freud as well as Frankel. Freud’s And a tattered crimson dress me. When I couldn’t, I just froze and cried. how your stay will be, how you will perceive
pleasure principle says that we are fundamen- Wearing dirt upon her cheeks It is well-documented how my scholastic the actions and words of others and ultimately,
tally driven by the instinctual need for pleasure. Walking softly upon bare feet endeavour unfolded (albeit an extremely sub- how you will react. Will you become (or remain)
Frankel argues that we are motivated by a will Her face was full of innocence jective chronicling), however, like everything left a repeat offender? This is the question that
to meaning rather than by a will to pleasure - And her smile was a source of light open to interpretation, context matters. I did you truly need to ask yourself. Unfortunately
he says that, “Striving for meaning in one’s life As she vanished in the distance adjust to this new country, way of life, and “so- or perhaps fortunately, you have the time to
is the primary motivational force in man.” In I heard the echo of her song: cietal norms” poorly, in large part because not consider this. If a situation is not acceptable to
the context of finding happiness, there is some Most people wish to be happy everyone does everything identically. It is also you, you must either remove yourself from it
truth in both Freud’s and Frankel‘s theories. We Yet in darkness they choose to hide fair to say that not everyone experiences the or change your mindset towards it. Here there
need to gratify both the will for pleasure and Happiness is a blessing same thing in the same way, hence different is not much wiggle room for movement so I
the will for meaning if we are to lead a fulfilling, That rises like the Sun responses/reactions. From the tender age of suggest a change of mindset.
happy life.” If the skies are clear and blue four, even growing up in the “hood,” I knew and I have discovered peace. Whether you are
I was temporarily convinced by Ben-Shahar And the night has come and gone felt that I was different, and also viewed and spiritual or not, I have learned that forgiveness
until he mentioned that people in difficult And you happen to be out there somewhere treated that way. Transplant anything with life, is the start towards peace. Each and everyday,
circumstances, due to the absence of pleasure, With a heart that’s open wide be it a flower, insect, animal, or human from a I forgive those who have wronged me, who
could NOT be happy (hold this thought in your Then you shall have your share of it dissimilar environment to another, and chanc- have hurt me, and all those who have betrayed
right pocket for a moment because I will return And you’ll feel it deep inside es are their characteristics and/or physiology me. I do not forgive them for their benefit, but
to it). When I read this I thought to myself: “If Happiness is like a little girl would change. rather for mine. Holding others responsible for
such people could not be happy then what In a tattered crimson dress As I progressed through adolescence, I would their wrongs is keeping track of debts owed
could they be?" You won’t realize she passed you by notice subtle (and not-so-subtle) episodes of to you which creates resentment and residual
Beautiful. If you’re head-deep in a mess conscious or subconscious bias. For instance, Cont'd on page 12
8 // WRITINGS ON THE WALL
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE

Thank you, Cell Count The Censorship Service of Canada

Photo by Sena Hussain


Photo by Sena Hussain

Photo by Nonsap Visuals on Unsplash

By Nolan R. Turcotte 2. Everyone has the following fundamental


It took me a couple months to draw up my freedoms:
next contribution for the winter issue of Cell (a) freedom of conscience and religion;
Count, where I am advocating danger pay for (b) freedom of thought, belief: opinion, and
By Nick Paccione determinedly continue to work towards per- convicts. The article in itself is a branching off of expression, including freedom of the press and
sonal and social positive change. Writing for Dehumanization Over Rehabilitation and I contin- other media of communication;
I’ve been writing regularly for Cell Count for Cell Count, then, has come with its own positive ue on with the raw reality of what takes place (c) freedom of peaceful assembly; and
close to a couple of years now, beginning with feedback loop. behind these walls, in regards to the inhumane (d) freedom of association
my article “Meditation--or ‘Lighting up’ Your Crucially, too, writing for and even merely
treatment we sadly receive. I knew that what Section 2(b): Freedom of expression/interpre-
Mind” in the Spring 2017 issue. I didn’t realize reading Cell Count has made me feel engaged
then just how important Cell Count would and connected, like I’m “in it together” with oth- I was formulating would ruffle some feathers tation
become for me, and what a huge part it would ers and part of something bigger than myself. with Management, so I was very protective of Section 2(b) protects all forms of expression,
play in my turn towards positive change. Having spent most of my life in isolation and my work after it was printed. When I would whether oral, written, pictorial, sculpture,
I came across my first copy of Cell Count disconnected from others, stepping outside leave my cell during the weekday, I would hide music, dance or film...Freedom of expression
some time in 2013 or 2014, when a buddy of my own little egotistical self and connecting it just to keep it safe in case the correctional was entrenched in the Charter to ensure that
passed me his copy. Back then, Cell Count was with others in a kind and positive way is essen- officers executed a “routine” search. On top everyone can manifest thoughts, opinions,
issued in a black-and-white, 8.5”x 11” format. I tial to my recovery and self-transformation. Cell of that, l refused to mail it to PASAN because beliefs and indeed all expressions of the heart
found the pieces inside really interesting and Count has helped me to do this. I knew that if I took the risk of allowing it to and mind however unpopular, distasteful or
thought-provoking and would come to hugely Cell Count has also helped me to stay the be handled by the Visits and Correspondence contrary to the mainstream.
appreciate and be moved by all the great work course. How? Well, for one, it has forced me Department it would be a waste of a stamp and By CSC unjustifiably banning Cell Count to
done by Cell Count’s parent publisher, PASAN. to put my money where my mouth is. If I write an even bigger target would be put on my back. prisoners across Canada, when they dislike the
However, at that time what interested me most about kindness and positive change on the I was forced to wait impatiently for the Health content, they are violating our Fundamental
were the personal ads at the very back of Cell one hand and then on the other hand conduct Fair on November 21, 2018, so I could hand Freedoms, which are “guaranteed” under the
Count. I then still felt utterly powerless against myself in a manner diametrically opposite, then it directly over to our dear friends at PASAN. I Constitution Act. I’m curious to know, is there
my sex addiction, and, to put it bluntly, I just my credibility is shot; and once that’s gone, it’s
was honestly stressing out over this predica- a section of the Charter that has been “mistak-
wanted to get my rocks off. game over. Therefore, writing for Cell Count
ment I was in because the Health Fair wasn’t enly” left out of the Martin’s Annual Criminal
I would reply to a number of ads and submit and knowing that other prisoners are reading
a few of my own for publication. I took advan- my stuff puts a healthy pressure on me to be guaranteed and I wanted Danger Pay for Cons Code, which explains how upon imprisonment
tage of the anonymity afforded by the “coded” true to my words. to be published in the winter issue for the sole convicts, such as ourselves, are presumed to
ad system by placing very “piggish” ads, myself Another way that Cell Count has helped me purpose of spreading awareness to you. have willfully waived their rights as human
responding to more or less the same. Despite to stay the course is through the support and Approximately, one week after I hung out beings?
the fact that all the ads had to pass through positive feedback of others, including fellow with Sena, Aanya and Fiona at the Health Fair I I honestly don’t give a reliable rat’s ass if my
Cell Count staff, not once was I reprimanded or prisoners. Even a few guys on my range have decided to call them to see what they thought thoughts, opinions and beliefs offend individ-
judged for anything I had written. This made very kindly let me know that they liked or were about the article. Sena explained to me that uals who have no compassion for my fellow
me feel accepted for exactly who I was, “pig- inspired by my stuff. I can’t tell you how much she enjoyed reading it and wanted to publish prisoners and I. My views may be distasteful
gishness” and all. This consistent and continued this has meant to me. One guy in particular, it, but there were concerns on her end with or contrary to the mainstream, but I speak the
acceptance of and nonjudgmental attitude Luka (hi Luka!), was even inspired to submit his how raw and detailed the article is, which undeniable truth and we all know the truth
towards me on the part of the good folks at Cell own article! could potentially preclude the newspaper from cuts like a razor. Come to think of it, are my
Count would, with time, result in my becoming Cell Count’s lead editor herself, Sena Hussain, making it into our possession. She considered thoughts, opinions and beliefs really that un-
a little more accepting and nonjudgmental has been especially helpful and supportive making some minor changes to the article, so popular? I refuse to believe so. Especially, when
towards myself. In fact, it may possibly have through her kindness and generosity. In fact, CSC wouldn’t ban it from any of the institutions, every prisoner can generally relate to what I am
even helped to set the stage for my decision in she’s so nice and friendly that I’ve actually
but I expressed to her that I wouldn’t want it experiencing on a daily basis, as well as the fact
early November 2016 to take up meditation & developed a bit of a “phone crush” on her. Just
Buddhism and to earnestly commit myself to don’t tell her, okay? to be published unless it was to be done in its there are numerous organizations designed for
self­transformation & positive change. Thus, if And then there are the other Cell Count con- original format. I respect where she’s coming the purpose of helping prisoners and ex-pris-
nothing else than for helping to inspire me to tributors. Whether through their articles, poet- from because I wouldn’t want to be the reason oners adapt to and succeed in society.
kick­start my life in a new and positive direction, ry, or artwork, they’ve moved me (sometimes to why you weren’t able to receive your copy of We shouldn’t be bullied into silence, nor
I will forever be grateful to Cell Count. tears) and inspired me and taught me a great Cell Count. At this point, as I am writing this, I should Cell Count be withheld from us as a
But it was really with Cell Count’s return in deal. Pete Collins, Zakaria Amara, T. Felfoldi, am unsure if she is going to publish it, or not, form of punishment for enforcing our rights.
2016, after a year’s hiatus, with a whole new Jennifer Bird, Emily O’Brien, Mr. Valley, Jesse but I can only encourage her to assert our Clearly, it’s against the Charter, so if CSC wants
look and a newly-inspired commitment to Belanger, Dawna Brown, Nolan R. Turcotte; rights with no fear in her heart, because that is to continue with their weak-ass attempt at
making a positive difference, that I myself Michael Hector, Dakota Rain Manitowabi, my what we are all about. sweeping their dirt under the rug, PASAN needs
“returned” with a similar commitment towards special friend Mary Ellen Young, and so many After I got off the phone with Sena and went to rise up and take them to court, because
a similar end. Indeed, from my very first afore- others--each has in his or her own way been a back to my cell all I could think was, “What hap- it will make a difference and more proof of
mentioned article, it has been in the hope of Buddha for me. pened to Freedom of Speech? What happened to corruption will be documented, which will
trying to make a positive difference in whatever I, they, you the readers--Cell Count has Freedom of the Press? Why is this country built on ultimately benefit every prisoner across the
little way I could that I’ve consistently written allowed all of us to come together as one in the foundation of lies and broken promises?” country.
about positive change, whether at the personal spirit, each connected to the other through our
Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms I used to bang out correctional officers and
or at the social level--the two, of course, being mutual experiences our common humanity, our
inextricably linked and mutually reinforcing. shared aspirations, and our collective desire for Being Part 1 of the Constitution Act, 1982 cut their faces, but I have come to the reali-
Come think of it, my own positive transfor- a more just and humane world in which to live. Guarantee of Rights and Freedoms zation that I can hurt them more by using my
mation over the last couple of years or so has Every time I open the pages of Cell Count, it’s RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS IN CANADA. voice in a positive way. Whoever coined the
been very tightly linked with my written work a stark reminder that much work needs to be 1. The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms phrase, “The pen is mightier than the sword”, is
for Cell Count, with each reinforcing the other. done; but it’s an even starker reminder that I’m guarantees the rights and freedoms set out in it a fucking genius. In conclusion, I will leave you
Contributing to Cell Count has made me not alone, that none of us are alone, and that subject only to such reasonable limits pre- with another thought of mine CSC can hate on
feel like I’m doing something useful, helpful, together, with each one of us doing our part, scribed by law as can be demonstrably justified ... “If they really want me to stop speaking from
constructive. It’s given me purpose and helped we can make a positive difference. in a free and democratic Society the heart, they better shoot me in the head and
me to feel more positive about myself, and Peace and love to all. And to Cell Count, a very Fundamental freedoms hope that I’m dead the next time I step out my
this in turn has made me want to even more special…thank you. FUNDAMENTAL FREEDOMS. cell.’’
9 // WRITINGS ON THE WALL
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
hours just to get a roll of toilet paper because but because I was constantly being bullied. I

Illustration by the late Pete Collins


the correctional officers refused to acknowl- brought a knife to school in grade eight and
edge us when they did their hourly walks and made it very clear that they were going to stop
when they did decide to acknowledge us they their shit. It worked, which caused me to adopt
just spit the most famous line that all of us intimidation and violence as my defense
have heard too many times...”Next walk!” mechanism. I became the bully and took on the
Personally, I never received yard, show- persona of an Alpha Male because I recog-
ers, phone calls and toilet paper on multiple nized what power could do. These correctional
occasions, which frustrated me enough to officers feel powerful when they can control
react in a negative way from behind a door. our routine, turn off the phones, destroy our
What bothered me the most was hearing other property, fuck with our visits/mail, etc. I can’t
convicts kick their doors and scream for their even tell you what pisses me off the most,
meals. Some may look at that as them trying to but I despise when they talk all the maddest
intimidate and bark orders at the correctional shit when they are in a group or hiding in the
officers, but the way I see it is that they were control tower. We all know that 99.99% of these
begging for their food like dogs. I don’t mean correctional officers would never step into a
any disrespect to anybody who has been in cell for a one on one, nor would any of them
that position by putting it in those terms, but I talk stupid if they saw us in the community, so
have to keep it real for the readers who aren’t why do they continue to run their mouths like
convicts so they can truly grasp how we are be- they can’t get touched? Tupac said it best, “You
ing mistreated. The correctional officers are the ain’t shit without your homeboys!”
most sadistic individuals I have ever met in my I firmly believe that if CSC upheld their
entire life and because of how our rights were Morals, Values and Ethics, which are stated in
being violated I silently made a promise to the Commissioner’s Directive 001, prison would run

Danger Pay for Cons


population that I would attack a correctional of- a lot smoother and be a lot safer for both sides.
ficer in the name of Inmate Rights. I just had to Obviously, we still have to factor in that prison
patiently wait to be released from segregation will always remain dangerous due to the fact
so I could be handcuffed from the front rather there is so much politics among us convicts,
than the back. but at the very least the tension between us
By Nolan R. Turcotte correctional officers are doing is dangerous. When I went to my Segregation Review Board and them would have a chance to die down.
I find it ironic how correctional officers are We teach children not to bully other children I expressed good intentions to make it seem I’m sure that if they didn’t treat us like shit
receiving danger pay when they are the ones because for one, it is wrong and secondly, it can like I wanted to refrain from violence and we wouldn’t react the way we do. They are
who make their work environment dangerous. cause major harm to the victim and potentially continue with the Violence Prevention Pro- supposed to be the law-abiding citizens, but
That may seem hard to believe to a straight the abuser. gram-Maintenance, so I could be released from they’re breaking the law. They are supposed to
John due to prison having the stigma of being I had a little cousin who was bullied in the SHU and move forward with my life. They be our role models, but they aren’t playing a
extremely violent, but for all of us who are elementary, but she never told anybody. She released me from segregation as I expected positive role in our lives. CSC is supposed to be
incarcerated know it’s the truth. Not all of us committed suicide when she was 13 and her they would and then 23 hours later I cut one of protecting Canadians, but I don’t feel as if I’m
are violent offenders, but a lot of us are and mother never knew how much pain and tor- the biggest correctional officer’s face twice. being protected when I am a victim of a hate
the ones who aren’t are sometimes forced to ment her daughter was going through until she That was when I received the dirtiest beat crime every day of my life. Do you? Just look at
become violent, whether it’s based on principle opened up her diary. down of my life. For approximately six minutes how many convicts have passed away by the
or survival. Now, put a convict in the same situation. I had about eight correctional officers eating hands of correctional officers. I feel like l belong
Let’s all forget about con-on-con violence and When somebody gets belittled regularly they my food. I was being strangled, stomped on, to an endangered species. With that said, l
focus on why convicts are verbally aggressive begin to feel as if they are worthless, if they and punched. They were trying to break my want some fucking danger pay.
and/or physically violent towards officers. To don’t already. They have no outlet, so they are fingers, ribs and ankles while they smashed my
the majority of correctional officers, we con- forced to go back to their cell where they have face against the floor. They also sprayed two
victs are nothing but little pieces of shit mould-
ed into the shapes of people. In their eyes we
nothing but time to think about everything that
is being said and done to them.
cans of pepper spray right in my mouth and
then wrapped the spit mask around my face
Forgotten Thank You
shouldn’t be classified as human beings and Hopelessness is the most dangerous feeling and pulled my head back so I couldn’t breathe.
as far as they’re concerned we have no rights; there is, so what else is left for that suffering I was taken to Health Care where the nurse
therefore, we shouldn’t even receive privileges. convict to do? That’s when the bright idea of determined that I have to go to the outside
On a daily basis, correctional officers dis- offing themselves pops into their head. Then hospital, due to the fact I may have had internal
regard the Commissioner’s Directives and they start to consider how to do it. “Should I bleeding in my torso and when he checked
legislation that has been put in place for the string up? Slash up? Overdose?” What does any- inside my ear he saw blood. Honestly, I was
employees of the judicial system to follow. (i.e. body expect a convict to do when they are con- refusing to go at first because I thought I was
CCRA, Section 69: No person shall administer, stantly being abused? We have already suffered going to get killed by the Emergency Response
instigate, consent to or acquiesce in any cruel, enough trauma in our lives, which ultimately Team on the way to the hospital, but when I By Mark Zammit
inhumane or degrading treatment or punish- led us to the cells we are in today. Besides, seen the sincerity on the nurses face I real- I feel the need to say something. Surprise,
ment of an offender). correctional officers are supposed to respect ized my injuries could be serious. Therefore, I right? I got a big mouth, so some of you may
I’m willing to bet that every single convict the rule of law, contribute to public safety by received approximately 15 x-rays on my jaw, think I have a big mouth, but I don’t sign my
reading this has been a victim of cruel, inhu- encouraging and assisting offenders to become wrists and ribs. Fortunately, they weren’t able rants “anonymous” and I back my words up,
mane, or degrading treatment or punishment law-abiding citizens while they exercise reason- to break a single bone in my body or chip any so I hope that lots of you listen… Anyways,
sometime throughout their bit. Just because a able, safe, secure and humane control, as their of my pretty boy teeth. It must’ve been from all please? Walk with me.
person puts on a CSC uniform doesn’t mean Mission Statement claims. So, why aren’t they the milk I drank as a kid? Whether we’re doing a long stretch or a
their sins have been washed away. They are conforming to what they pledged to do? Unfortunately, I received the Dangerous short one, if our families ride with us, we
still humans who possess free will and are Since I am on the topic of suicide it leads Offender designation in 2015 even though are thankful. Our boyfriends or girlfriends,
susceptible to being racist, prejudicial, antago- me to another point I would like to make in I have already been serving a Life sentence we appreciate the visits, the pictures, etc.
nistic, as well as having feelings of superiority. regards to convicts receiving danger pay. When since 2006. I screwed my life up even more Our friends, we feel we owe them for their
So, why pay them for something they are the I was in Kent Institution from 2011-2013 the with my decision of assaulting that correctional loyalty. From all convicts, I hope I can speak
cause of? inmate population was placed on lockdown officer, but the fact of the matter is that I have for all - “we thank & appreciate you”
We should be the ones receiving danger pay on two separate occasions due to the correc- contemplated suicide and I have executed But something, someone is missing. In 21
since living in this hostile environment is way tional officers taking the day off to attend their revenge. These correctional officers don’t even years of federal time, there has only been
worse than working here. There’s the rivalry of co-workers’ funerals. How did both of those truly understand what they put us through and one organization that I have seen that has
gangs, sleeping with our blades for comfort, correctional officers die? Suicide! when we do decide to attack them they always been constant and consistent in the fight
the clashing of Alpha Males, the gossip which Now, think about what that truly means. play the duck by acting like they don’t know for our rights and our safety. They, like us,
leads to war, the beefs over phone time, the Correctional officers can become suicidal just why they are getting the business. They always have been kicked down by CSC, barred from
young kids too eager to prove themselves, the like anybody else in this world, so what if one want us to take responsibility for our actions, institutions, but still fought for us, changed
presence of mentally unstable convicts, etc. day there was a suicidal correctional officer in but they never seem to do so for theirs. protocols and saved some of us against
The list can go on and on, but what inflicts the the control tower plotting on all of us? If they This is a little off topic, but I feel the need to CSC’s ridiculous ridicule and centering out.
most pain on us is the treatment we receive were really adamant on killing themselves that share this with you. When I was meeting with That organization is PASAN/Cell Count. I
by the correctional officers. Many may not day, they could take out a number of clueless the psychologist for my Dangerous Offender personally owe them my life, and I am sure
look at it the way I do, but if we are constantly convicts before turning the rifle on themselves. assessment, we spoke about the incident and that I speak for many when I say, “Thank
being antagonized by the correctional officers So, who’s really in danger? the emotions that led up to it. Without justify- you for never giving up on us, you just don’t
on a daily basis it creates the most dangerous Another route we convicts can go, if we don’t ing or minimizing my actions I simply explained see the devil in us, and I/we love you and all
environment due to us becoming stressed, desire death, is plot revenge. Fortunately, I am to her how the correctional officers are mis- you do.”
frustrated and enraged and not having a posi- able to share my first-hand experience with you treating the convicts on a daily basis and how I Now moving on…
tive outlet, so we bottle up those emotions until because there was a moment in my life where have been mentally, emotionally and physically My stat is very soon and by the time you
we fucking explode. I thought these fuckers were going to murder affected by it. After her report was translated read this I should be out, so check this out.
Over time and as the abuse continues we me. from French to English I received a copy. I was The fight begins now.. I do not & never will
become angrier and angrier, but we hold it in, When I was 23 years-old I was sent to the SHU labelled as an individual with psychopath-like forget where I come from. I will be running
which can cause us to one day snap on one for the second time. My time in the population traits and she diagnosed me with Paranoid & starting Facebook pages & YouTube
another for the smallest thing. If the correction- wasn’t that bad when it came to my interac- Personality Disorder. Apparently, the mistreat- videos, etc to fight for prisoners (our) rights.
al officers who are safe in the control tower get tions with the correctional officers. The only ment we all have been receiving is nothing but Things like health care, organizations that
on the Public Address System every shift and time I really spoke to them was when I needed a figment of my imagination. help cons who have no one or no support.
swear at us, call us names and fuck with our a request form, laundry detergent, and my I have this theory about correctional officers My warrant on 14 is so close & I will not let
routine, which is all we have, it is going to have nail clippers. In February 2014 I attempted who act like bullies. I feel as if they were picked you disappear. Friends and enemies, I will
a mental and emotional effect on us. Every to murder another convict which left me in on in elementary and high school, so they took continue or start, whatever, the fight for
word they say and every action they get away segregation for a couple months. During my this job so they could take out all of their hurt things you (we’ve) lost. Anyone who truly
with sinks deep into our subconscious and stay in segregation I, along with the rest of the and pain on us. It is a proven fact that hurt peo- knows me, knows my hustle & that I am
forms into trauma. Not only can it cause us to cons, were subjected to cruel, inhumane and ple tend to hurt others, whether it is verbally or a pain in the ass. The world will never see
inflict pain on each other, but it can cause us to degrading treatment by being deprived of yard, physically. I can speak from experience because another crazy motherfucker like me. I will
become suicidal. I explained this to my parole showers, personal/legal calls and food. There I was picked on in elementary and nobody was die fighting for cons… PEACE.
officer and I made it very clear that what these were also days where it took approximately five ever there to help me. I had to hold my own,
10 // WRITINGS ON THE WALL
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE

'My second fight behind these prison walls'


M. Dawkins cont'd from cover story locking me up, so they put me on his weapon of choice was a knife in

Illustration by Steve Zehr


no. I tried to switch the conversa- misconduct and sent me back to previous incidents. The judge also
tion and ask him if I could get some seg again. Every time it was my turn didn’t allow me to have an expert
weed, even if I have to pay for it, but to shower, on days they let us have testify who specializes in violence
still Jay kept on saying things like ‘I one, I would wrap my hair and go against the LGBTQ+ community
told you, you could live with me and out, and the guards would give me and sex workers. The jury wasn’t
that I’m not going nowhere.’ hell. They would push me and yell
provided with the whole truth of
As I went into my purse to make spit into my face. They would go into
everything and that’s not fair to me.
sure everything was ready to go, my cell and throw out whatever stuff
My sentencing was November 6th,
I heard something that sounded I would have in there. They would
2018 and I got sentenced to a total
like metal forks, spoons and knives even take my mattress and give me
this doggy pad type thing to sleep of 8 years, but only have 18 more
moving around in a cupboard,
on. They did everything they could months left, which leaves me in
but I didn’t think nothing of it,
cuz when I picked up Jay he had to me, except try to understand me the provincial system. I had 3 years
come with some takeout food in and what I was going through. With and 3 months in on sentencing day
his hand. I thought he was going the guards doing all those things to and the judge gave me two for one
to eat something, which would be me, inmates would join in the hate- on my time which added up to 6.6
good for him to calm him down and ful bashing, yell ignorance at me and years and gave me 18 more months,
maybe he would change his mind throw things at me from their hatch. to add up to 8 years. People keep
and come to the club with me. But I was so broken on the inside it telling me that I’m lucky but I don’t
boy oh boy, was I ever wrong. The hurt, I couldn’t understand and still feel it, I feel hurt and broken, I feel
next thing I knew, he was standing don’t, why this happened to me. like when Jay said, “You’re not going
right beside me, and he says in a Why did Jay do this to me? What nowhere,” he meant it with his life.
tone, which caused me to look up, did I do to deserve this? My pain He still has me captive, he’s still
“you’re not going anywhere.” He has pain, even my tears would hurt taking shots at me, and won’t let me
stabbed me in the face. He put the coming out of my eyes and stream- go. I just want to be free from him,
knife through my face under, my ing down my face. It wasn’t fair, I’m free from all of this, and sometimes I
left eye and then pulled it back out. human also. Why did I deserve this feel like death is my only way out to
I backed up, screaming in a fearful type of treatment? Just because I’m be free from him. But someone told
manner for my life, and that’s when a trans woman? You don’t know how me that if I kill myself I would only
Jay launched the knife back at me many times that I wish I would have be joining him instead of getting free
again, trying to cut me open from just allowed Jay to kill me that night, from him, so here I am still fighting
my stomach. Just writing this alone or how many times I thought about him.
still gives me the shakes, and tears killing myself but couldn’t bring I applied for my appeal and here
come to my eyes. I’m still in shock. myself to inflicting more pain upon I am fighting with the institution
I can’t believe Jay did that to me. I myself. There is so much more diffi- again, to keep me here. They want
have so much respect for him, you culties and hardships that I face, but to ship me out to Penetang, where
know, I even confided personal de- if I was to write it all out, it would I would be stripped of the wig and
tails about my life to him, and how take a good month to finish. Plus, it makeup I fought so hard to obtain.
my ex-boyfriend, who I was living hurts to relive all of this so the less I would be forced to wear orange,
with, treated me, and the things he pain the better. Let’s fast forward to and not green, what female inmates
has done to me. Jay in return shared where I am today in my fight, first wear. Most importantly, I would not
personal information and struggles I want to let you know what I was be able to connect with a lot of my
he was having in his life with me as able to accomplish from those times mental health and community work-
well. My heart is so broken and hurt I was telling you about. The first ers such as 519 Church, Maggie’s,
over this. No one will ever under- thing that I was able to accomplish Cota, Stacey and PASAN, as well as
stand the full extent of the traumat- was graduating and getting my GED my CAMH workers, because most of
ic impact this has had on me. Three during all of that. I moved on to them informed me that they don’t
years later I still get jumpy and doing post-secondary education, I go out there. My school wouldn’t be
scared when people move a certain completed a business fundamentals able to be continued out there cuz
way around me. course with Centennial, I completed the organization in which I’m doing
I can’t remember much of what the abnormal psychology course my education with, doesn’t go out
happened after he came at me and no reason, after I told them I was the They put me in segregation for the through Northern College and I’m to Penetanguishine. My family and
stabbed me in the stomach. All I one that called the police, and that first few weeks and left me there. It currently doing a principles of psy- friends who come see me here won’t
remember was putting my hands my attacker, Jay, is still inside. You wasn’t until my third or fourth week, chology course through Centennial be able to travel out so far to come
up to grab him so he would stop don’t even want me to get started until a social worker came to see me College, in which I just got back my visit me. There’s a lot for me to lose,
stabbing me. There was so much on police conduct towards me and and told me that if I wanted to get first assignment, and I got a 26 out which could affect my rehabilitation
blood coming out of me, my eyes the way they treated me because out of seg I would have to sign into of 28 so I’m feeling proud of myself. back into the community once I get
were blinded cuz blood was in them. I’m transgender. Moving on, when protective custody, and if I didn’t I was able to accomplish getting
the police got to Jay he was bleeding released. On top of all that I would
At that point I didn’t even know if sign in I would be left in segregation. Stacy Love Jolie Coeur in to this in-
and had lost a lot of blood, but when So I checked in cuz I wanted to get have to deal with a whole new set of
my eye was in my head. There was a stitution to have LGBTQ+ program-
they identified themselves to him, he out of seg. When you’re in seg, the inmates and guards.
great struggle in that living room cuz ming and support needed for our
ran away from them and try to hide only mirror there is in the shower I’m tired you guys, but I’m not giv-
Jay was super strong. He had a great community members and myself.
himself in the garbage chute that room, you don’t have one in your My fight for her was a two-year long ing up, because of all your love and
shape body cuz he worked out a lot.
was in the building. What I learned cell, so when I got on the range and fight along with being allowed to support and with that said I would
I don’t know how I was able to get
later on during my prelim, is that they put me in my cell, that’s when have a wig and order makeup off like to end this by thanking Rosa
the knife from him, honest to God,
but I did. When I had the knife, Jay Jay had only been out of jail for nine my mental health really started to the female institution canteen list. and Jay from 519, Melissa from Cota
continued attacking me by kicking months for, again, unprovokedly go down. It was emotionally distressing going for all your hard work and assisting
and punching me, so I swung back stabbing someone, which explained I hated who I was seeing in the through all of it but I must say it was me reaching out to everyone, Ellie,
in self-defense. I remember every why he ran away from the police. mirror every time I went to wash my a positive step forward in recog- Micah, Monica and Aanya and every-
time I felt a hit from him, I fought But by him running away, and it hands, or brush my teeth. On top of nition for our community behind one from Maggie’s. Stacy Love Jolie
back, trying to protect myself from taking them a bit more time to find that, they only gave me razors twice these Walls. Coeur and everyone who doesn’t
him. I didn’t even know, when I was him, Jay ended up bleeding out and a week, every Wednesday and Sun- Now going back to my fight in even know me, but heard my story
swinging back, if I was making con- dying, leaving the police to charge day, and most times they would only which I’m facing now. So I had my and came out and protested and
tact, cuz Jay wasn’t saying ‘ouch’ or me with murder in the 2nd degree. give it once a week despite my re- trial and I was acquitted of sec- showed support for me during my
anything. He kept hitting me. He was Now this brings me to my second quest for them. My facial hair drove ond-degree murder, but found guilty trial. Thank you so much from the
doing everything to get that knife fight behind these prison walls. I me crazy. I was used to shaving my of manslaughter, which, frankly I bottom of my heart, it’s your Love
back from me. He was so drunk and was the first transgender person to face every day, sometimes twice a shouldn’t have been found guilty of which gives me strength to carry on.
angry. It was so scary. I never had to be held here in the Toronto South day. I started wrapping up a t-shirt anything. But I had Justice Robert I also want to thank Eveline, Aanya
defend myself like this before. Detention Center. I can’t begin to around my head to imitate a wig cuz Clark as my trial judge and anyone and Sena and everyone at PASAN
I’m skipping over some parts now explain how hard it is to be stripped I felt so naked. Doing that became a who has experienced this man for for allowing me to share my story,
cuz it’s just hard to keep reliving. of your hair, makeup and clothes, to grave problem for me. Guards were themselves knows he’s a hot-head- and thank you readers for taking
What ended up happening is I look in the mirror and not be able locking me up for the day, calling me ed mean judge. He excluded more the time to read my story, and I pray
called 911 to get help for the both to recognize yourself. It hurts so hateful names, because I refused to than half of Jays criminal records that it may be a source of strength
of us. When the police arrived, they bad. I cried every night my first few take off the head wrap. The guards which involves a series of attacks on for you and whatever life trials you
pepper sprayed me in the face for months here when I first came in. got tired of me refusing and then people for no reason, and of course, may be going through.
11 // FROM INSIDE
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
Zakaria Amara tive.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and

Illustration by Gerry Saulnier


Gentle River O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the Fertilizer
My body dwells within a hopeless Magnate, married O Schitt, a partner of
tomb Knee-deep and Schitt Inc.
While my spirit soars beyond the In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt,
fullest moon and as a deeply religious couple
Where my journey takes me I shall go produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, FuIla
Like a peaceful gentle river I do flow Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the
My heart is free of any expectations twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
No room remains for plans or reser- Against her parents’ objections, Deep
vations Schitt married Dumb Schitt the high
The rhythm of my hope beats like a school drop-out.
drum After fifteen years of marriage, Jack
For I believe the best is yet to come Schitt and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock,
and because their kids were living with
Monique Raymond them, she wanted to keep her previous
The Dawn of the Sun name. She was then known as Noe
I listen to my heart beat Schitt-Sherlock.
I listen to my heart Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and
I listen to my heart beat they had a very nervous son, Chicken
I listen to my heart Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were insep-
I used to be angry, arable throughout childhood and sub-
Real sad, sequently married the Happens broth-
Suffering and pain, ers in a dual ceremony. The wedding
Good girl gone bad. announcement in the paper announced
the Schitt-Happens wedding.
Everything taken from me Of the two Schitt-Happens couples
Was never put back. there are three kids; Dawg, Byrd, and
Suffering and in pain, Hoarse.
Good girl gone mad Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home
to tour the world. He recently returned
My God’s saying forgiveness, No friends who I can trust as my own, I was so taken aback I didn’t know Top as I pay him more than from Italy with his new wife, Piza
I ask – “How?” I feel like I’m a rolling stone, what to do. You do as I do things I do Schitt.
If I want healing, These bars have me trapped inside, I got down on my knees and said a Making him real like things real There you have it. Should anyone
The hurt must bow I’m hopeless and all I have is my pride, prayer or two. I be that hollacalla putting every say to you that “You don’t know
Praying to God on my knees, I said thank you Lord for all the things It on ya sayin doin it livin it Jack Schitt”, you can correct them. You
So I lay my strife down, One day I know I will be free, that you have done. Right sexy anything baby can even say that you know the whole
My burden and my woe. Free of all the care of this world, Thank you for the heavens Come when I crash all ya’ll family!!!
I found peace, the hour I let go. All by myself not even a girl, Thank you for the Sun. Here thought you new all Please enjoy and always remember…
Stuck inside this living hell, You’ll never know Lord how much I I wear is new Be Well & Be Safe
I thought it wouldn’t happen Now I’m writing you my life from a care, Horaine Bennett
The anguish wouldn’t part cell, How much I love you, how much I Cat Box Sound
But l listened to my heart beat Doing my time like a man, bare. Soundin with you crew WAR
And this is where I start. Back with a master plan, Just the other day Lord you came too All screw Since you started the war
No longer taking from me, A plan to stay free and never come me, Ya’ll screwd Then tell me what we fighting for
Peace had begun. back again, You said I’d be happy This cat in his raps all You beat the drums
Darkness fades In a system that is insane, You said I’d be free Talkin hard You cock your guns
With the dawn of the sun. Overcoming my problems rising to Now I just sit here so patiently, All scraps Then call us scums
the top, I wait on your word and soon I shall Ya’ll think you got the And search our bums
I listen to my heart beat This time I know I can’t be stopped see. Best of me Bad versus good
I listen to my heart All the mighty wonders that you have Get next to mey They rob our hood
I listen to my heart beat done. All vex ya’ll see You ask me why?
I listen to my heart C Rupert “Oh Lord you are the one!” This cat thinks he soundin Because they could!
Thank you for listening too. Peace! A Warrior All dope Cops and crowns
Oh Canada, you stole our homes and Saligia He hope They hunt us down
Genesis 6: 1-4 She be copy catty my flow Conspire with that sash and gown
Gary “Gwiszy” Native land
From above But she be We catch a case
True patriots love, in all of us com-
It’s always about timing mand I’m about to make yall fall in love Too slow They say we’re waste
Time makes the world go around. You took our children, you killed our What made you fall for a devil like me? This cat be copy catty Then lock us in this dreadful place
Living in a life of seclusion. parents, Saligia I be This catty Then ask us how justice taste...
This is what I found. You stole our lands. How I be so superbly This Batty!!
Numbers of the days. You tried to kill off the Bison I sin with the greed Life’s Lesson
Eyes staring at the ground. You called us savages I lust alluringly Legendary we be me Times can be cold
All the time I’ve walked alone. You treated us like animals I invade your envy I’m pisces no one see how An old life’s lesson
And never made a sound. You introduced us to your treaty plans Hourda and Gula one in gluttony Deep we be in the sea no one me A curse that’s the worst
Sympathizing yesterdays. You tried to kill off our ways Taking wrath out the trash Ever be deep deeper than any other The devil’s blessing
Well working with today. But here we are today our culture still Sloth the acid: burns the masses sign we be pretty dangerous Hell on earth
May all the clouds above my head. stands! Love me the flower: Eden fish we go where no other Endless struggles since birth
Slowly drift away. Horn of treason being has ever went I’m a Life ain’t priceless
Look at all the time I’ve wasted. Listen Oh Canada to this Nishnhabeg Born Holy Demon beast bitch I pull you under So what the f-k is mine worth
With nothing much to say. man Die to survive I’m legendary I show you a Pain in my eyes so severe it cripples
Trying to find reasons The Creator, created me like him; Post Traumatic Stress Feeling that you haven’t felt my mind
Things standing in my way. I am who I am Death in your eyes Before your heart I stole Eclipse on my future I’m clinically
Got to start a new life. I’m going to say to you, what was said How I’ve made blood rain from the sky You feelin felt attraction blind
As my old life fades away. To me It’s the love pouring Strong wild everything you Emotionally drained, misled, and
Coming to conclusions Oh Canada, Fall as you bow in the blood of Allah Ever wish for granted right misused
My time is here to stay. I forgive thee… Here one woman has it yeah Confused and unbalanced like a kid
Now all I know for certain. Me one woman man you’ll be that’s abused
Is I won’t go home today.
Mary Ellen Young smiling ear to ear happy yeah Despair and regret
It’s always about timing. Brian G Kerr Shot caholla You’ll be sex made money This lesson I’ve learned, I’ll never
That I‘m a shot caholla I tell Made respect made loyal made forget
Send
A Thought Runner hundred thousand all Nothing not a problem we This event now a memory
Sitting here in my humble abode
Sitting here. The views. Ya’ll run nun ya’ll ain’t Be having it made deep like Forever engraved
Kicking it up at 55 Civic Rd
Eyes focused on visions. Gotta count give it bring it The sea yeah you’ll see no one Surrender to fate
But it’s not that hard for sho
Still I stay calm. Respect give it all ya’ll don’t Mention pisces I be the White flag in a wave
I mean after all; I’m in Scarborough
Evening sounds from what ever. Beef too busy respecting Deepest from the zodiac we Bombarded by thoughts
Not too sure exactly what that means
Night. Me babysitin ya’ll money ya’ll Don’t fuck around we None that is pleasant
Cause I’m just doing time at M1L-2K9
So fast over. Dope hope I don’t show up Legendary beast like I Oppressive depression my life in the
Looking for a pen pal, maybe even a
How time goes by. All ya’ll don’t baskits of Say from the paradise sea deepest felt present
friend
Some time has gone by now. Money to babysit for me Logic presently absent
Such value in time
So come on girl… Michael Hector Missing in action
What are you waiting for? ALL YA’LL
Sitting here. That yo! Boy tell you I At last an answer to the age old ques- Downward traction, a spiral reaction
“Send, send send.”
Want some more! tion: Who is Jack Schitt? Feelings in a faction even Jesus would
I want some more! The lineage is finally revealed! sanction
James Bradfield I Looked Up!
Big Thomas Young Thomas Many people are often at a loss for But life goes on
I looked up to the heavens and what
Behind the Walls Maryillin on this trap a response to, “You don’t know Jack A lesson we learn
did I see?
Locked up with nowhere to go, Pullin up to the spot taken your Schitt!” Now, after reading this, you As quick as we turn
Three mighty angels staring back at
With no chance of full parole, Door man takin him up to the will be able to answer in the affirma- Another to earn.
me.
Cont'd on page 12
12 // FROM INSIDE
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
Cont'd from page 11 What was done to me is what created More on health & been diagnosed with it. I was denied
for some reason that they wouldn’t
every cent of what she owes and
they said no, but I found out since
me
Horaine Bennett Everyday becomes today when you harm reduction give me, something about a language
barrier.
I’ve been in here that she could have
Past get there Denied Access to Treatment By the time my sentence was
gotten her licence back by going to
The past is a thing Etched in our minds Tomorrow is another day until it’s here driving court and making a monthly
By Adam Lock over I’d only completed the nor- payment plan with the judge until
A historic moment or event There’s a crack in everything that’s mal programs and I got a lack of
Captured by time how the light gets in In the end of 1992, I was trans- her tickets are all payed off.
ferred to Millhaven reception to be participation because I was addicted And now I sit here in a cell where
The elapse of the present to heroin and couldn’t get on the
Another moment that’s gone The game now changed on the streets assessed to go to another institu- I’ve been for 21 months now and
tion, and they chose Collins Bay. I methadone program until just before they want to ask for a Dangerous
With a future to behold Shit be in this savage style I got out. I wanted to do programs in
Time will always go on It’s a straight up body thing nows, fuck appealed and asked for Joyceville, Offender for another 3 bank robber-
but they told me that I required a a treatment facility where I’m around ies with a note trying to get money
Time is something we take for granted love, give me some pussy everyone who wants help and isn’t
A commodity that we waste Take a bite out of them streets 'wall-setting institution.' In May 1993 to get a place to live and get my dog
I went to Collins Bay and was listed there by force. back from the pound. I’ve been trying
Yet when we make a mistake ‘cuz I be getting hungry! I got out in 2015, to a halfway
It’s something we’d wish to embrace Gotta eat-n-fuck now for all the regular programs that they to get treatment since I came in. I’ve
offer: cognitive skills, OSAP, anger house (Keele CCC). I had 10 months done some programs, done a bunch
But you can’t change the past Savage style to do there until the end of my sen-
It’s like a never-ending chase Savage style management, etc, but they told me of bible studies, tried to order a busi-
because I was only doing 20 months tence. When I got out I had been in ness university course but have to do
You can thrust all you want jail for 20 years, I was not prepared
The past will keep pace Is it possible that I am so weary of of a 30 month sentence that there my bankruptcy first.
were other people who would be a for the streets and I had no clothing
anger and bitterness that I let it slip
The only way to move on
away for a wile? So just give me this higher priority on the waitlist, and or anything. I tried to get welfare Safe Injection Sites in Prison
Is to embrace and except and they told me no because I was
Because memories aren’t something moment alone? I do not feel emptiness, that I probably wouldn’t get into the By Jason Bevan
programs before I got out. I ended in a halfway house. The jail gave
You can simply reject I do not feel loneliness I do not feel my me no clothes except for the outfit In our prison system we need safe
Once you have done that hurt, my mind is just empty and I feel up getting transferred to Warkworth, injection sites as well, we already
Kingston, and then Millhaven. I spent I was wearing, I had to take my $85
You’ve learnt from your past peace within, which is so beautiful and that the halfway house gave me for have good healthcare in the prisons
Then you can put your mind to rest I wish I could feel it all the time and for 18 Months in segregation until my so why not use these resources to
release with no TV in my cell. food and hygiene and spend it on a
And have peace at last. the moment, let go! cheap outfit. I was lucky to get out help save more convicts! This will
Once I was released I breached help other people from losing any-
Billy Whitedeer my stat release 3 times and as soon in the summer. I had no knowledge
Marc Carun as that sentence was finished, 19 of where to get help for things. I more loved ones, the spread of Hep
- Logic is the battlefield of all adult- needed help when my sentence was C and HIV could be stopped right in
Untitled days later I picked up 3 more bank its tracks. The spread of illness will
hood robberies by using a note, because I finished and my wife gave birth to my
Not guilty is how I pleaded “still born son”. I had no knowledge come to a screeching halt :). The
On every bitch I’ve cheated - If you label me, you negate me needed money to give to my girl and healthcare can check our vitals, make
- In a world of followers, dare to be sister for Christmas, and I needed where to turn to get help. I ended up
Don’t know why you’re so shocked turning to the bottle then to drugs sure no one ODs so there is some
My past is what I’ve been trying to a leader money for myself to finance my one there to help and once you are
drug habit. On January 6, 1996 I after being out clean for 15 months.
block Then the one funny thing is when I ok and ready to go back to your unit
Who said life ain’t fair was arrested for 3 bank robberies you’ll give back your used works
and got 8 years. In July 2006 I was came back to jail I saw a John Howard

It's your future


It’s because of you I don’t care worker with a “Welcome Home Guide needle and then go back to your liv-
I wish you were fucking dead shipped back to Millhaven and then ing unit. BC has this in place and it’s
sent to Kingston. During the next 20 Book” that has all the info that I
Can’t stop the silent scream in my head would have needed when I got out, saving lives everyday so why not On-
Hating you is all I know M.G. Brown cont'd from page 7 years I was transferred to Quebec, tario? People are going to use dope
BC, and Winnipeg. While I was in so why didn’t the halfway house have
You’re as cold as the winter snow that at their house? Also I called the with or without the help of health
that festers inside of you. Releasing each of these 4 provinces the closest care so why not save a life instead of
Sean C. Molyneaux them of their debts does not absolve I got was in Quebec where my parole DMV when I was out and asked them
losing a life? There is no reason why
officer put in some papers to try to and a lady at Service Canada if there
To the cons that are no longer there them of their crimes against us but is anyway for my wife to get her li- this would not work.
To the cons that still do and no longer it releases us of that anger so we get me into the Borderline Person-
ality Disorder program, because I’ve cence back right away without paying
care can find peace. Harbouring resent-
To the families that lay alone late at ment and anger towards others is 2200-2400 words
night like drinking poison and hoping that Hundreds of nonviolent immigration
Illustration by David Cioffi

To the cons that get up every morning others get sick.


to fight The chapels have programs that
This one goes out to you and this one help deal with anger and loss which
goes out to them you may benefit from. Talk to your
Especially to the families we will never Chaplain to see what programs are
see again available to you. No matter your spir-
We have made our beds and now we itual beliefs, if you have any or not,
must sleep the chapel is a great place to find well
But there’s someone somewhere that being. There is mass and prayer as
cares when we speak well as other programs for physical
health like yoga for mental well being
Mark Zammit too like meditation. You can also
False Judgement find religious based correspondence
Time is perfectly endless, but life is courses that may help you spiritually,
never forever academically and with your inner
Why do the cowards hate because my peace.
heart beats to a different drum> The prison system may be flawed
but the institution offers you many
Kindness is far from weakness, and opportunities to better yourself and
one should never change help yourself survive. Ask to see
The immoral will never feel true satis- mental health and ask for puzzles,
faction that a good deed can give a soul colouring picture, word searches etc.,
speak to counselors. You can ask to
The world is full of hate, but words are see a doctor for health concerns, a
simple and childish. dentist to get expensive work done
The ones who have felt discrimina- for free, and a psychiatrist if you
tion should be the last to ever judge a need help coping. There are AA and
fellow being. NA groups to help you stay focused
on your goals of a better life.
Have the strength to stand up if nec- Take advantage of the education they
essary, as the naive hide behind one are willing to give you and the train-
another. Strength comes in peaceful ing or certifications available. If you
numbers if poised and shown like a lack your secondary education, now
Family photo. is the time to get it. An education can
open so many doors that were previ-
ously closed to you. The libraries and
ets O
nTwe book clubs are not just for fun. They
Priso are open doors to learning that you
can benefit from. There are pro-
grams for WHMIS certification as well
as workplace safety, and proper tool
An idea developed by Jeff Craig
safety, food health and safety, and
CPR/first aid just to name a few. You
can get trained in trades, forklifts and
Forgotten warrior industrial equipment. Take advan-
She says she only wants me to be at tage of all that is offered.
peace well yes and there is nothing so The point is simply this: you should
peaceful as the grave now is there? leave this system as a better person
than when you entered it by your
Good words do not last long until they own doing. Ask what the institution
amount to something can do for you. Heal yourself, better
Take only memories leave nothing but yourself and please, never come
foot prints back. You have a future.
13 // art
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
14 // art
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE

Artists
Page 13 clockwise
ChinkoPettzz, Nolan Turcotte, Nolan Turcotte
Page 14 clockwise
Nolan Turcotte, James Martineau, George Fobert
Page 15
Sonny Cook
15 // ART
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
16 // resources & about pasan
CELL COUNT//ISSUE 87//COURAGE
EAST COAST COALITION des ORGANISMESCOM- ASIAN COMMUNITY AIDS SERVICE 200 Gerrard St E, 2nd Flr, Toronto, M5A 2366 or 1-800-665-2437
MUNAUTAIRES QUEBECOIS de LUTTE- When prisoners call, they offer them 2E6 416-506-1400 PLBC - PRISON OUTREACH PROJECT
ALLY CENTRE CONTRE le SIDA (COCQSIDA) small bursaries to cover their calling Toronto Community Hep C Program 1107 Seymour St, Vancouver, V6B
Take collect calls Accept collect calls fees Accept collect calls 5S8 Toll Free: PROV - 604-525-8646
150 Bentinck St, Sydney, NS, B1P 1 est, rue Sherbrooke, Montréal, H2X 107-33 Isabella St, Toronto, M4Y 955 Queen Street East, Toronto, M4M FED - 1-877-900-2437 (#’s approved
1G6 902-567-1766 3V8 514-844-2477 2P7 416-963-4300 (Collect) 3P3 by institutions and are NOT Collect
AIDS COALITION of NOVA SCOTIA COMITÉ des PERSONNES ATTEINTES BLACK COALITION for AIDS PREVEN- 416-461-1925 (Collect only on Tuesday Calls)
Accept collect calls du VIH du QUEBEC (CPAVIH) TION & Friday, 11am-5pm) Positive Living Society of BC
1675 Bedford Row, Halifax, NS, B3J 1-800-927-2844 Accept collect calls Once out, please call 416-417-6135 Leita McInnis, Prison Outreach
1T11-800-566-2437, 902-425-4882 2075 rue Plessis bureau 310, Montreal, 20 Victoria St, 4th Flr, Toronto, M5C Worker
AIDS COMMITTEE of NEWFOUND- H2L 2Y4 1-800-927-2844 2N8 416-977-9955 (Collect)  PRAIRIES  1101 Seymour St, 4th Floor, Vancou-
LAND & LABRADOR CANADIAN HIV/AIDS LEGAL NET- HIV COMMUNITY LINK ver, BC V68 0R1 Fed: 1-877-900-2437
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47 Janeway Place, St. John’s, NL, A1A 2-SPIRITED PEOPLE of the 1ST NA- Accept collect calls 110-1603 10th Ave SW, Calgary, AB, T3C LINC
1R7 1-800-563-1575 TIONS 1240 Bay St #600, Toronto, M5R 2A7 416- 0J7 403-508-2500 33270 14th Ave, Mission, BC, V2V 4Z7
AIDS NEW BRUNSWICK Accept collect calls 595-1666 (Collect) AIDS SASKATOON 1-877-424-4242 (BC only)
65 Brunswick St, Fredericton, NB, E3B 145 Front Street East Suite 105 Toron- FIFE HOUSE 1143 Ave F N, Saskatoon, SK, S7L 1X1306-
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to, Ontario M5A 1E3 416-944-9300 242-5005 1-800-667-6876
AIDS PEI AFRICANS in PARTNERSHIP AGAINST 490 Sherbourne St, 2nd Flr, Toronto, CENTRAL ALBERTA AIDS NET- CANADIAN ASSOCIATION OF ELIZA-
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2-375 University Ave, Charlottetown, No collect calls, call PASAN 416-205-9888 No collect calls 701-151 Slater St.
PE, C1A 4N4 902-566-2437 526 Richmond St E, Toronto, M5A HIV & AIDS LEGAL CLINIC OF ON. 4611 50th Ave, Red Deer, AB, T4N 3Z9 Ottawa, ON
AIDS SAINT JOHN 1R3 416-924-5256 (HALCO) 403-346-8858 K1P 5H3
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115 Hazen St, NB, E2L 3L3 506-652- KITCHENER,WATERLOO & AREA 55 University Avenue, Suite 1400 9702 111 Ave NW, Edmonton, AB, BRAIN INJURY ASSOC OF CANADA
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BOOKS BEYOND BARS Have a toll-free number HIV/AIDS REGIONAL SERVICES (HARS) KIMAMOW ATOSKANOW FOUNDA- Ottawa, ON K1R 7X6 Toll-free: 1-866-
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2N21-800-565-4255, 902-492-4255 89 Dawson Rd, Unit 113, Guelph, N1H 844-A Princess St, Kingston, K7L 705 Broadway, Winnipeg, MB, R3G 0X2 P.O. Box 123
MAINLINE NEEDLE EXCHANGE 3X2 1-800-282-4505; 519-763-2255 1G5 613-549-7540 (Collect) 1-888-305-8647 Arva, ON
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5511 Cornwallis St, Halifax, NS, B3K and AREA 160 Traders Blvd, Unit 1, Mississauga, Box 7123, Saskatoon, SK, S7K 4I1 306-
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2T8 705-497-3560 (Collect) 320 21 St W, Saskatoon, SK S7M 4E6 Created by and for prisoners in the Ca-
150 Bentnick St, Sydney, NS, B1P AIDS COMMITTEE of OTTAWA NETWORK (PARN) 1-800-358-1833
6H1 902-539-5556 (Collect) Accept collect calls nadian federal system. We encourage
700-251 Bank St, Ottawa, K2P 1X3 613- PRINCE ALBERT METIS WOMEN’S you to share your stories to shed light
SIDA/AIDS MONCTON 238-5014 (Collect) or Toll Free (ON & 302-159 King St, Peterborough, K9J ASSOC.
Accept collect calls as long as they’re 2R81-800-361-2895, 705-932-9110 (Col- on the current practices and problems
QC only) 1-800-461-2182 No collect calls within the correctional system. PO Box
HIV related AIDS COMMITTEE of THUNDER BAY lect) 54 10th St E, Prince Albert, SK, S6V
80 Weldon St, Moncton, NB, E1C STREET HEALTH CENTRE 30009, Greenbank North PO, Ottawa,
574 Memorial Ave, Thunder Bay, 0Y5 306-763-5356 ON, K2H 1A3
5V8 506-859-9616 P7B 3Z2 1-800-488-5840, 807-345- Accept collect calls RED RIBBON PLACE
EAST COAST PRISON JUSTICE SOCIETY Hepatitis C Treatment Program 235 BLACK INMATES & FRIENDS ASSEM-
1516 (Collect) (ALL NATIONS HOPE AIDS NETWORK) BLY
6061 University Ave, PO Box 15000 POSITIVE LIVING NIAGARA Wellington St, Kingston, K7K 0B5 613-  2735 5th Ave, Regina, SK, S4T
Halifax, NS, B3H 4R2 549-1440 (Collect) 2518 Eglinton Avenue W, Toronto, ON,
Accept collect calls from registered 0L2 1-877-210-7622 M6M 1T1 ph (416) 652-3131
clients THE AIDS NETWORK (TAN) STREET CONNECTIONS
QUEBEC Don’t accept collect calls OUT OF BOUNDS MAGAZINE
(Recommend that you get a case man- No collect calls 6000 William Head Rd, Victoria, BC
CACTUS ager to get registered with them) 101-140 King St E, Hamilton, L8N 705 Broadway Ave, Winnipeg, MB,
1B2 905-528-0854 toll free 1-866-563- V9C 0B5
Accept collect calls 111 Church St, St Catharines, L2R R3G 0X2 204-940-2504 WOMEN: 50 JOURNAL OF PRISONERS ON PRIS-
1300 rue Sanguinet, Montreal, H2X 3C9 905-984-8684 or toll free 1-800- 0563 Argyle, Winnipeg, MB, R3B 0H6 204-
THE WORKS ONS
3E7 514-847-0067 773-9843 943-6379 c/o Justin Piché, PhD, Dept of Criminol-
CENTRE for AIDS SERVICES MONTRE- ANISHNAWBE HEALTH AIDS PRO- Accept collect calls
277 Victoria St, Toronto, 416-392-0520 WEST COAST  ogy University of Ottawa, Ottawa, ON,
AL (Women) GRAM K1N 6N5
Accept collect calls No collect calls (Collect)
TORONTO PWA FOUNDATION AIDS VANCOUVER ISLAND PRISON FREE PRESS
1750 Rue Saint-Andre, 3rd Flr, Montre- 255 Queen St E, Toronto, M5A 1S4 416- Accepts collect calls. 713 Johnson St, PO Box 39, Stn P
al, H2L 3T81-877-847-3636, 514-495-0990 360-0486 Accept collect calls from clients
3rd Flr, Victoria, V8W 1M8 250-384- Toronto, ON, M5S 2S6

ABOUT PASAN STAFF CELL COUNT TEAM


PASAN is a community-based HIV Service organization Outreach & Education Sena Hussain
Chaman R Vashishtha
that strives to provide community development, educa- Lead Editor
Office Coordinator Janet Rowe
tion and support to prisoners and ex-prisoners in Ontario Prison Education Programs: 
PASAN conducts HIV prevention education programs in Eveline Allen Cell Count Supervisor
ON HIV, Hepatitis C (HCV) and other harm reduction Fiona Bennell
issues. PASAN formed in 1991 as a grassroots response many adult and youth institutions in the southern Ontario Regional Prison In-Reach Coordinator PASAN Placement Student
region.  This program includes a Peer Educators Group,
to HIV in the Canadian prison system. Today, PASAN Brendan Arnott
whereby ex-prisoners living with HIV are educators for Aaron Bowerman
is the only community-based organization in Canada Cell Count Volunteer
current prisoners.   Peer Health Navigator Coordinator Raine Liana
exclusively providing HIV and HCV prevention, education
PASAN conducts free training for those working with Cell Count Volunteer
and support services to prisoners, ex-prisoners and their Zachary Grant
prison-affected and drug using populations.  Training
families. Federal Community Development Coordinator Cell Count Contributors to this issue:
topics include:
Moka Dawkins
Support Services ▪ HIV & Prison Trevor Gray
Fiona Bennell
▪ Harm Reduction Community Programs Coordinator Julianne Hoekstra
Individual Support Services: ▪ The Impact of Segregation Hamid Anwari
▪ Individual support & counselling ▪ Stigma & Discrimination Sena Hussain Isabel Yo
▪ case management Communications & Resource Dev Coordinator Mary Ellen Young
▪ pre-release and post-release planning
Systemic Advocacy Zakaria Amara
Lindsay Jennings Horaine Bennett
▪ referrals  Since our beginnings in 1991, PASAN has always Provincial HepC Program Coordinator Michael G. Brown
▪ advocacy for medical services  maintained a focus on systemic issues of HIV/AIDS and Nick Paccione
▪ housing supports prisons.   Some has been involved in many systemic Claudia Medina Nolan R. Turcotte
▪ phone support through collect calling  advocacy efforts including: Program Manager Peter Collins
▪ emergency financial assistance (limited budget for fees ▪ Prison Needle Syringe Project (2014/15) Mark Zammit
Stephanie Moulton Steve Zehr
related to identification and prison release.  Application ▪ Advocacy against the use of segregation
Harm Reduction Outreach Coordinator Monique Raymond
requirements exist) ▪ Presentation to the Canadian Human Rights Commis-
Gerry Saulnier
sion (2001) Janet Rowe Gary “Gwiszy”
▪ Advocacy for male-to-female transsexual/transgendered Executive Director C Rupert
Community Support Services:
prisoners and HIV (1999) Brian G. Kerr
PASAN also provides support AIDS Service Organizations Cherisa Shivcharran
▪ Presentation to the Presidential Advisory Council on Mary Ellen Young
and community groups across Ontario.  This includes:  Michael Hector
HIV/AIDS in Washington DC (1998) Provincial Community Development Coordinator
▪ resources & educational materials Marc Carun
▪ Presentation to the Parliamentary Subcommittee on
▪ training Aanya Wood Sean C. Molyneaux
AIDS (1996) Billy Whitedeer
▪ assistance to set up prison outreach and support Federal Community Development Coordinator
▪ HIV/AIDS in Youth Custody Settings: A Comprehensive Adam Lock
projects Strategy (1996) Amina Mohamed Jason Bevan
▪ strategies to develop referral “hubs” for HIV positive ▪ Organization of the first National Workshop on HIV/ David Cioffi
Women's Community Program Coordinator
prisoners AIDS in Prison (1995).  ChinkoPettzz
We are located at: 526 Richmond St E, Toronto, ON James Martineau
▪ networking for the development of a continuum of care ▪ HIV/AIDS in Prison Systems: A Comprehensive Strate- M5A 1R3. Call us toll free at: George Fobert
for prisoners transferred between regions  gy (1992) 1-866-224-9978 Sonny Cook

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