9 Things We Need To Stop

Doing During Fights With

Our Partners
http://thoughtcatalog.com/susan-allin/2014/02/9-things-we-need-to-stop-doing-during-fights-
with-our-partners/

1. Fighting about completely

different things
I can’t tell you how many times halfway through a heated argument,
it’s occurred to me that we aren’t even fighting about the same thing.
Somehow, with tempers running high, we end up having two
completely separate arguments. Had we taken a moment to clarify
what was really bothering us, we would have probably discovered we
were in agreement.

2. Raising our voices

I know that some random preschool teacher probably explained to us
that shouting wasn’t the way to get what we want, and we decided to
disregard this advice. But quite honestly there is some truth to it. The
second one party starts to shout, is the same moment that the other
party goes on the defensive. After that, there is very little chance of
resolving the issue.
3. Placing blame
Naturally, there will be those situations in which one side is
completely at fault, but usually that isn’t the case. In most instances, if
you start off by using you/your fault/how could you?, your partner
will get defensive, and they will get angrier. Instead try in my opinion,
I feel, and so on. Feelings are always valid).

4. Referencing past offenses,

even the ones you’ve resolved
If it’s something that has been talked about, forgiven, and moved on
from, try and leave it in the past! Otherwise, the argument will shift
from the current issue to, well, pretty much everything you have ever
fought about. Which will probably escalate into insults, crying, and
definitely no solution to the problem at hand (which was probably
about a dirty sock left on the couch AGAIN).

5. Letting issues fester

If your partner does something that bugs you, and instead of telling
them right away, you file it in your alphabetically arranged index of
bad deeds, only to pull out the list six months down the road and read
it out to them during a fight? If we do that, things will never change in
the relationship. We have to start telling people what bothers us, when
it bothers us.

6. Being cruel
Emotional abuse can be just as scarring as physical abuse. Words hurt,
and even when you’re really, really, cross, you should think about
what you’re saying. Quite honestly, there is no justification for being
horrible to someone, because they will never properly forgive you for
it.

7. Not taking time to cool off

(especially when we
desperately need to)
Sometimes it’s okay to just take time out (no, I don’t mean
dramatically stomp out the front door without your cell phone). Just
go to another room, eat something, or have a hot drink and resume
the discussion when feeling a little more level-headed.

8. Going past the point of no

return
There is always that moment in a fight where you know that if you say
that one thing (that thing that is so horrible you can never EVER take
it back) or walk out, there is no coming back. Don’t cross that line! Not
in the middle of a heated fight when you aren’t thinking clearly.

9. Calling it quits at the first

sign of a struggle
Fighting just happens, it’s not a sign your relationship is weak, or that
your partner sucks, it just means that they pissed you off, or that you
had a bad day. The mark of a good relationship is getting through the
fight and learning how to get along better with one another.