Saying No - Nicely

IT IS always amazed me that a simple, very ordinary two-letter word should be so difficult to say out loud.
In a way, I suppose it's a good thing, because even I have written several articles, suggesting that my
readers be more positive rather than negativising their lives so much. On the other hand not saying "No"
can be too much of a good thing and can actually make you less productive, less efficient and more
stressed. Why, for instance, is it so much easier to say `Yes' or `Sure' or `Happy to' or `Count on me'. On
the other hand, cast your mind back to when your little brother was really small. Everything you wanted the
little guy to do would meet with an obstinate `No'. So much so that you had to often thram the stuffing out
of him to ensure compliance. Eventually, he grew up, and like you, finds that happy compliance is better
suited to his psyche than the nasty negative.

Actually the only time we joyfully say no is when the boss comes around and says, "Is it too much trouble to
stay in tonight for a couple of hours and get this done?" And you reply, predictably, "No-no, I'd be happy to
stay in and get the work done, boss." Somehow that double negative chuffs us no end and we wonder why
we fell into the trap - again. What would have happened if you had said "No."? The end of life and salary as
you know it? Unlikely. You cost too much to dump on this one. So how many Nos do you say? And how do
you say them? Saying it right is what is really important.

Do you, for instance, say a weak, dyspeptic `no' and follow it up with several hundred reasons why not? I
should know, I used to do a lot of this because I felt my `No' sounded rather dubious to begin with, so I
used to rush into explanations, each sounding less convincing than the one before. At the end of the day, I'd
squirm about in guilt and imagining that the asker was looking daggers at me; then go up to him and say
brightly that I'd finished my work earlier than I thought I would (I hadn't) and would be happy to do him the
favour he'd asked. Now I generally got the insult after the injury because he'd ask me if I was sure, and I'd
say yes, and finally would end up virtually begging him to give me the joy and pleasure of doing his work for
him, at the cost of my own while he went to a movie with his girlfriend.

I learnt finally that my practice was a serious lapse of judgement and so I began to put my foot down.
Straight down into my mouth. When anyone came up to me, I used to growl a snarly `No' at them. So much
so that everybody began to call me (in my hearing) `Groucho'. It became so bad that my boss one day
came to me and actually said, "Look, it's alright if you can't or won't do something, but try and be a little
diplomatic about it. You're beginning to get on everyone's nerves. We are a team and have to live with you,
you know." I stopped short then and reviewed my responses over the past few months, and I realised I
must have sounded like an ill-conditioned boor. Besides being disobliging, I was also rather rude. I don't
think anyone minded that I said no, it was the way I said it that upset them and they must have sworn that
they'd never do me a favour were I to ever ask. It's a different matter that the occasion never rose to do so,
the fact is that I certainly rubbed them up the wrong way.

I discovered, by default, the ideal way; a quiet, dignified way that would convey what I meant without
upsetting or creating resentment. That way is a way that everybody can use, and besides being effective, it
doesn't annoy the asker. A simple, gentle `No' followed by a smile is good, and sometimes a sweetener like
`Ask me again when I'm less overloaded and who knows, you may find me there with my hair in a braid'.
But please understand that in no circumstances is it ever alright to say `No' all the time. Occasionally, you
could lend a hand, step in and hold the fort, or just be there for your friend the asker. Not because you think
that you'll be able to ask him back for the favour, but because you are there to offer real support. This kind
of nay-saying takes time to master and you'll make blunders from time to time, but there are ways to make
life a little easier.

First: Delay your answer. Say that you'll get back after you've checked your schedule and priorities and
after a decent period, revert and say `no' or - `yes'. It's up to you after all.

Second: Be direct, and look at the person as you say it. Nothing is more upsetting than evasiveness, and if
you can't say it with conviction, don't say it at all. There's no need to be rude and gruff (as I had been).
An honest response is appreciated every time.

Third: If you have been obliging in the past, and the asker regards you as `Old Faithful' try and let them
know as gently as possible that you can't rise to the occasion that particular time. If they are good friends,
they'll understand.

Fourth: If it's your boss, the problem is no different. You've obliged him more times than you can
remember. This time you can always say, `You know I would if I could boss, but this time round there's no
way I'll be able to fix it with the family and stay late'. You have to be plain, honest and above all firm as a
rock. Saying `No' isn't easy, because we've lost the easy ability to be negative. But there comes a time
when saying it is imperative; the only problem is saying it right, and saying it without equivocation. That's
the only way you'll get what you want. So go out there and get it!

ABHIMANYU ACHARYA

This & That Sinking in quicksands

IT HAPPENS slowly to begin with but so surely that insidiously it crawls into your work-life
through the labyrinthine neural pathways of your mind. No action at this stage will cause
the dilution of your hopes, aspirations and your dreams! Stop and think, ask yourself if you
will ever reach the end of your rainbow if you continue to be bogged down in the morass of
the routine? Will the existence you are in preclude further growth? Finally, is it already
happening?

Take a long look at your life! Are you acting in a routinised, predictable way? Are you doing
things in the way you've always done them, so that you are a machine that incidentally also
lives and breathes? Your response mode is what is being discussed!

It is a habit that the majority of us find very easy to begin and impossibly hard to throw
over. It is easy to do something you need to do today, because you did the same sort of
thing the previous day and you don't really need to think to deeply about it. Its almost like a
natural reflex. It not unlike lighting a stove. There is a limit to the innovative ways you
perform this action. While it may be novel to light a stove while performing a complicated
pas de deux it is neither efficient nor desirable; and you could do yourself serious and
permanent injury! These are chores that are best left to a routine, mindless way of doing,
though it may not be out of place to think of a bus conductor in Bangalore who developed a
novel way of lighting a cigarette and went on, on the strength of that skill to become a cine-
superstar! Many of us keep doing things with the ease of repetition because it is easy to do
it the way one did it yesterday, but the moment we start doing things mindlessly we cannot
imagine doing it any other way! Also, we effectively kill our ability to imagine, innovate and
participate in proactivity.

Bustin' Out!

Being a creature of inflexible and unimaginative habit can have a crippling effect on your
creativity. Everybody in this steep rut must make every effort to snap out of this ennui. So
many people start off right, they have wonderful dreams and visions, but once they get into
`the way things have always been done', the dreams dissipate and the visions vanish! I was
once looking after a very large integrated rural development project where I was able to
develop my skills in organic farming, alternative energy generation, rural education,
alternate medical intervention, dairying, subsidiary income generation for rural ladies and
community banking. Several friends used to visit me during the weekends, and one who
had been from our college days involved in the social service league and adult education
rued the fact that he had not been able to realise his ambition. When I asked him why, he
said that he had got into the rut of his business and could not break free now. He was right;
breaking free for him is now impossible. He has become bogged down into his routine and
has no will or ability to use his mind for anything else anymore except to stay where he is.
This goes to show how negative patterns of behaviour cramp our capability to grow in a
continuum. My friend thinks he is content. I only wish he truly was!

If any of us do not change the way we do things we will find ourselves in the same boat as
my formerly talented friend. Your aspirations will become clouded and the vision will
transform into a faint, barely discernible mirage!

Aspirations are not realised without the effort of doing something about it! Thinking that
you'll do it later may be a way to delay the event, perhaps; but in actuality this
procrastination will cost you your dream! Only if you change the way you do things, and
snap out of your routine will you be able to realise your hopes and your cherished goals.

So, when do you start? Well, the best time is Today! The minute you put down this article,
get up do something different! Even if it is as seemingly simple as going home by another
route, or going home and taking everyone out to dinner, go ahead and do something that
can show yourself that you mean business and that you will refocus on the vision that has
been retreating into the dim recesses of your personal history!

ABHIMANYU ACHARYA

abhi.hyd@cnkonline.com