Benjamin E.

Mays High School

Family Matters: Is Toxic Parenting linked to Teen Depression? How Many Children are

impacted by the legacy?

Brooklin M. Mays

Mrs. Kenly

British Literature

26 April 2019
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Brooklin M. Mays

Mrs. Kenly

British Literature

26 April 2019

Family Matters: Is Toxic Parenting linked to Teen Depression? How Many Children are

impacted by the legacy?

As young adults, we all have experienced a time where we wished that our parents did not do

certain things or that some behaviors did not become a habit. These feelings can occur whether

we have a good relationship with our parents or not. Some teenagers do not have a good

relationship with their parents and those individuals probably have a plethora of things they

would like to change about their parents. On the other hand, you have teens that have parents that

do not set a good example for their children because they want to be a "cool parent". Those

behaviors can have a bad effect on the child/children. But, in reality, you do not pick your

parents, nor can they pick their children.

The parent-child relationship is one of the longest lasting, emotionally intense, positive,

supportive social ties. Many are unaware that at the same time the relationship can be intense,

nerve-wracking, stressful, environmentally unfriendly, harmful, destructive, and toxic. “Kids are

going to drink anyway, so they might as well do it at home, under adult supervision” “Restricting

teenagers makes no sense when they'll be on their own in college soon enough” “I’d rather be

your child's friend than an authority figure”. Studies show that many parents agree with those

states and some parents disagree. It is needless to say, parenting, by all means, does not come

with a rule book, there is not a secret code on how to be the best parent. Parents, like anyone
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else, are flawed human beings and becoming a parent does not erase or clear you of those flaws.

There are 12 types of parenting [1] positive parenting [2] intuitive parenting [3] conscious

parenting [4] holistic parenting [5] nurturing parenting [6] authoritative parenting [7]

authoritarian parenting [8] indulgent parenting [9] neglectful parenting [10] over parenting [11]

narcissistic parenting [12] toxic parenting. Toxic parenting, in short, is the category in which all

"poor" parenting styles fall under. Toxic parenting can range from neglect to emotional abuse,

physical abuse, sexual abuse, love withdrawal, and emotional unavailability. The long terms

effects of such parenting may be detrimental to the child's self-esteem. For instance, a child may

rationalize “I am the reason for Mom/Dad treating me this way” or “I must have earned this

treatment because I am all the things they describe me to be.” This is a complete disruption of

the child’s confidence, sense of self-worth, self-image, and mental health.

Individuals fail to realize there are existential and long term effects of toxic parenting

besides a child’s sense of self-worth. Many times toxic parenting has led to teen depression.

Many argue that teen depression cannot be traced back to parenting. According to What's

Happening to our Children an article written by Neal Lawrence social /environmental factors is

the cause of 55% of mental health cases, suicides, and attempts of self-harm.

The article describes how today's teens' depressive symptoms have spiked over the years

and the possible causes. In addition, the article mentions how the emotion happiness which had

been increasing amongst teens for 20 consecutive years began to decline in 2011. Loneliness is

now beginning to increase amongst teens. 50 percent more teens in 2016 demonstrated clinically

diagnosable depression than in 2011. In the same year, the suicide rate among teen girls ages 12-

15 tripled. The number of children and teens hospitalized for suicidal thoughts or self-harm

doubled in 2016-2017. It is needless to say that today’s teens are experiencing a mental health
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crisis. Are You a Toxic Parent? An article written by Marc Fisher states that there are 6 different

types of toxic parents. [1] the alcoholics [2] the controllers [3] the sexual abusers [4] the physical

abusers [5] the verbal abuser’s [6] the inadequate parents.

My 7th-grade year of junior high school, I had a friend who's a name I will not disclose.

After school one day my mom told me to catch a ride to my friend's house and that she will pick

me up as soon as she got off of work. A car came speeding down the street about an hour after

school dismissed and my friend nudges me with her elbow and says "this is us, that's my mom".

Before getting in the car she warns me that her mom is drunk and to not pay her any mind. This

was alarming to me, my mom never drunk around me until I was in high school. I knew then that

everyone parents in different ways but, I knew that was not normal.

How is it that she knew her mom was drunk even before we got in the car? Was this a

routine? How long has her mom been picking her up from school intoxicated? When we arrived

at my friend’s house, we walked in the house and she showed me to her room and for a while, we

sat there just discussing our day. My stomach started growling and she said: "we do not have any

groceries". I replied, "that's okay, my mom should be here shortly". A few minutes go by and I

hear a loud slam from the front of the house and a drunkenly loud "hey". My friend assured me

that it was nothing to worry about and that it was just her dad coming home from "work" and

that he was drunk as well. I knew at that moment that this was her life, she deals with every day

and she has become accustomed to both of her parents being intoxicated. We were laughing and

joking around and then out of nowhere she offers me a drink. She exclaimed, "my parents say it's

better to do it under their roof than to do it out in public".

This reminded me of the scene from the movie "Mean Girls". Regina George’s mother

offers alcohol to the teens and exclaims "Because if you're going to drink, I'd rather you do it in
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the house." Later, she announces that "if you ever need anything, don't be shy, okay? There are

no rules in the house. I'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom." Maybe it was just how I was

raised because my mom always told me “I’m not one of your little friends”. I did not realize

then but, I realize now that my friend was/is a victim of toxic parenting. This day, that friend of

mine is a 17-year-old alcoholic and runs to a bottle every time she has reached an issue in her

life. “Teenagers get all the ink for being backbiting, cliquish and prone to bad decisions. But in

the harsh game of competitive parenting, the cliques are just as strong among the parents. In the

world of toxic parents, there's always someone the rest of us love to hate” (Fisher; Marc, 2006).

All of the students we went to school with blame and point fingers at her when in reality she is

just exhibiting a learned behavior.

Blaming parents for what they did or didn't do has become a national obsession--and big

business (Blau; Melinda, 1990). Many disagree that the type of parenting that a child is exposed

to has an effect on how they behave, mature, the relationships they are involved in, how they

treat others, and how they cope with issues. My friend does not know how to deal with issues

any other way other than drinking because that is all she knows. Increasing numbers of people

are now referring to themselves as "Adult Children," a curious metaphor (Blau, Melinda; 1990).

The term "Adult Children" refers to adults who are still holding on to behaviors/ events that they

experienced as a child. Experts believe that 90% of us are still suffering from the ravages of

childhood.

The parents of today's kids grew up in an era of generational conflict, adolescent

rebellion, sex, and drugs. Many children in that era were eager participants in the cultural

mayhem. During that era divorce rates reached highs along with teen pregnancy, sexually

transmitted diseases, and drug addiction. The Boomer parents reacted to the upheaval of their
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youth by moving in two, seemingly opposite, directions. Some recall the excesses of their own

adolescence and adopt a permissive approach, unable or unwilling to assert themselves as

authority figures (Blau; Melinda, 1990). Since then, Boomer parents have brought us the era of

zero tolerance, the criminalization of adolescent acting-out, and the elevation of safety and

security to the top of the priority list (Blau; Melinda, 1990). These parents, recalling only too

well what they did as teens try to protect their children from the horrors of what they

experienced.

Another toxic parenting style that is deemed as “controlling”. Some parents are

demanding of their children but, this does not mean that they are controlling. Signs that you have

a controlling parent are: over scrutinized you’re eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life,

pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards, forbid you from

questioning or disagreeing with them, discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness

around them, violated your privacy, intimidated/manipulated or overpowered you, and

discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself, To controlling parents Getting B's

in school is no longer good enough to get into the University of Maryland or the University of

Virginia.

“We are in an era when a one-semester drop in grade-point average or a single blot on a

disciplinary record can be enough to scotch a kid's chances of winning admission to a good

college, some parents believe it's their duty to wall their children off from the wrong crowd.

Especially in affluent suburbia, the pressure to get into a top college, the competition to use the

teenage years to rack up extracurricular achievements and the professionalization of youth sports

all combine to make parents not only more protective of their young, but also much warier of

other adults" (Fisher, Marc; 2006). Controlling-toxic parents are more worried about your
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successes and how it will be a reflection of their "good" parenting skills instead of letting you be

in control of your life and making your own decisions. When these children grow up and realize

that they did not live life how they wanted to it leads to problems in the parent-child relationship.

The child now will wonder why did he/she have to live up to the parent/parents expectations

instead of being the best person that they wanted to be and meet their own personal goals. There

is nothing wrong with teaching your children to shoot for the stars. But, it should be instilled in

them to shoot for the stars and if you fall short it is okay, make it a lesson for the next time

around. In elementary school, I remember the age of getting tested for gifted very distinctively.

In all honesty, I was never a big fan of test determining how "smart" I was. My parents taught

me from a very young age who you are will speak for itself. All of my friends were always

excited to get the invitations to take the test but not me. I failed the test 3 times before my 5th-

grade year. I had a friend, she viewed tests the same way I did. "If I pass then great, if I do not,

that is fine too". Her parents, on the other hand, felt like the test was a serious deal and they were

probably more excited about the invitation to test than she was.

When the results arrived, I failed and she did as well. My parents congratulated me on at

least getting an invitation and getting very close to the benchmark. Her parents were so furious

about her scores to the point that she came to school the very next day in tears, worried about if

she would ever be good enough for her parents at the age of 11. Studies show that the parent-

child tensions often begin in elementary school, when some parents are determined to raise their

children in a PG world while others allow their 8- and 9-year-olds to watch R-rated films, play

M-rated video games, listen to music with raw lyrics and drift amidst the sewage of the Internet

((Fisher, Marc; 2006).

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Many people feel like standards should not be placed on children that young because it

affects their self-esteem. My friend from elementary school has grown up to be the valedictorian

at her high school but, she does not have a social life, her friends view her as uptight and

controlling, she is suicidal, and she suffers from teen depression. She has taken this controlling

behavior learned from her parents and now it is affecting her social life. Her friends are worried

about fitting into her standards and afraid she is trying to control them. She is not in denial about

her behavior, in fact, she blames her mother for how she is. “Many therapists agree that parent

bashing is often a euphemism for mother bashing. Most post-Freudian therapists--reflecting the

society in general--promoted the basic assumption that mothers, as the family "gatekeepers,"

were somehow responsible for how children turned out. If the kids had problems, Mother was

either too involved or not enough; if Dad was depressed, it was because Mom was emasculating

him. If fathers have been blamed for anything, it's that they haven't been there. Even in cases of

incest, the mother has often been held responsible--for not stopping it" (Johnson, Rick; 2016).

Parenting bashing is not new, studies show that adult problems are a reflection of childhood

experiences.

Children that have experienced toxic parenting are obviously aware that they are a victim

of it but, experts are wondering how will those individuals heal from it, what steps will be taken

in an attempt to leave those experiences in the past, will they get help from a therapist. Many

experts now ask: Will those same people get stuck in the solution? It has been recorded that 54%

of Adult Children dump their sorrows on their parents while other Adult Children assemble to

flesh out forgotten images from painful childhoods. "But there may be little talk of forgiveness,

much about blame, and, sometimes, fantasies of revenge. Will chronic angst simply be

transmuted to chronic anger? And if parent bashing is the prescription, what are the long-term
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effects of that "medicine" on succeeding generations? How will the children of these Adult

Children view their parents?” (Collins, Bryn C, 2018). In the article What is Happening to our

Children? By Lawrence Neal, he mentions how the toxic parent-child relationship can be carried

on and passed from generation to generation. Imagine a child being exposed to toxic parenting

and passing that same behavior on continuously. He mentions that in some cases, some seek out

for help to end the generational curse but, in most cases, the parenting style lives on and

sometimes becomes progressively worse. Toxic parenting can and has damaged countless lives.

Evidence shows that parents who were abused as children often go on to abuse their own

children.

The Adult Child movement which was started in 2006 to help survivors of extreme

abuse. The group of adults was children of alcoholics, drug abusers, victims of incest, physical,

mental violence. This group aims to help many people exorcize childhood demons of shame and

isolation. It also plans to help them understand that what happened to them as children was not

their fault and that as adults they need no longer be victims. They don't have to stay stuck in the

problem--they can do something about it. Difficulties can also arise with other relationships and

with careers, and those who have been victims can suffer from depression. But the problem is not

confined to incest and violence. As stated before- toxic parents can be alcoholics or drug addicts,

or those who ignore the needs of their children or overburden them with guilt, and there are those

who are simply indifferent or inadequate.

In order to prove to myself that toxic parenting and its link to teen depression was real, I

created a survey. In my survey, one of the were "Have you experienced depression due to

parenting and lack thereof 41% of the participants answered yes to the question. This proves that

toxic parenting does affect the child and how they cope with issues that they experience. Another
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question that I asked in the survey was "As you age do you see yourself having more or less

contact with your parent(s)? Why or Why not". A survey participant that mentioned earlier in the

survey that they do not have a good relationship with their parents said that they will have less

contact with their parents because they expect a lot out of he/she and the goals they have for

he/she are not their personal goals. The participant also mentions that she would be open to

regaining a relationship in the future if they stop pushing him/her to be more like their siblings

and understand that they are their own person.

It is evident that we do not live in a perfect or ideal world, over the past decade we have

experienced many challenges. From police killing unarmed black men, terrorist attacks, domestic

violence, sex trafficking, mass murders, and the attempt to build a wall to reduce the amount of

illegal immigration. All of these issues are mainstream, meaning you hear about them often and

they pose a huge problem. What about the issues that do not make the mainstream? Our minds

are engineered to think that because we do not hear about an issue that the issue does not exist.

I’m here to tell you that toxic parenting and its links to teen depression is real and it is serious

even though we do not hear about many cases involving the issue. In Conclusion, I hope this

paper brings awareness to this issue and gives readers inspiration on how to end this problem. If

you or someone that you have experienced depression, remember there is a help, and your life is

valuable.
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