Interview Project

Aidan Kai: A Bigender Transmasculine Person

Molly Pardun

English 102

Professor Arini

25 March 2019

 The topic of gender has been an increasingly more and more talked about subject.

Whether society notices it or not there are gender roles and expectations coming at them from

every angle. Aidan Kai has experienced portraying himself as both male and female, he knows

about the pressures of society on gender more than most people. Since this interview is about a

bigender person who underwent a hormonal transition to male gender as well, I decided to take

to searching on what some of those definitions mean. Bigender has an overall loose definition of

a person who encompasses both male and female genders. Some people feel that they are both

genders at once, others feel that they are more fluid between the two. Transgender is defined as

one’s gender identity being different than their assigned sex at birth. In most articles and

interviews it seems that a common theme is that gender is just between that person and

themselves. They are undergoing whatever they need to feel happier with themselves and find a

way for themselves to be more comfortable and at home in their own bodies.

I decided to interview my friend, Aidan Kai, for this project. I have always looked up to him and
thought that he always had an interesting perspective on any and all topics. The topic of gender is
one that he has given an enormous amount of thought to and had his own trial and error process
on finding where he fits in. Aidan Kai is a 22 year old bigender transmasculine person, who went
through a female to male transition when he was just 20. I was interested in interviewing him to
find out more about his transition and more about being bigender.

M: What is your gender identity and what does that mean?

AK: I identify as a bigender transmasculine person, so we’ll take that one chunk at a time. So for
bigender, in broad terms, that would just be an identity that anyone who feels that they embody
multiple genders would use. For me specifically, I am simultaneously a man and a woman which
is, you know, very controversial. People don’t see that as a real identity. I also include
transmasculine in my identity because I think it’s important to clarify that even though when a
person meets me now I look like a man to them, that was not always the case. I was assigned
female at birth and I did present as a girl and a woman for the first 20 years of my life. Does that
answer the question?
M: So you knew you were trans when you were 20?
AK: No so when did I know when I was transgender… I think kind of like growing up I always
never felt a strong connection to my femininity or at least I knew that there had to be more,
right? I felt like something was missing all throughout growing up. Then, when I was in high
school, I started going onto social media like Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and I think that’s where,
Tumblr specifically, I learned the fact that transgender people exist, like I didn’t know that was
an option until I was about 16. When I was 17, I made a post on Tumblr that was like “I have this
strange suspicion that I’m not a girl at all that I just have such a strong lesbian fetish that I won’t
give up this female identity” which was a joke at the time but I think, you know, expressing that
at all was kind of like the first part of me coming out to myself. I didn’t know for sure until was
probably like 19 or 20 and soon after that I did medically transition. Oh, that’s your next
question!
M: Yeah, look at you! So when you did start? When you were 20?
AK: So when I was 20 years old I cut all my hair off and went to my therapist and I was like
“I’m pretty sure I’m not a girl,” but I wasn’t sure I was a boy either and I still don’t identify as a
man because that’s not quite right either but I knew that I wasn’t correct where I was. If you see
gender as a binary spectrum, which is still pretty inaccurate because gender is so much more than
binary, but my binary fits on there, well on two points of the spectrum. The way I had been
presenting myself before was like as if I was very masculine woman but that wasn’t right but i
was close and I feel much more comfortable now that I present more like a feminine man. So, it’s
like I’ve always had both but just skewing the ratio was important.
M: More comfortable?
AK: Yeah, it provides that like I just feel ok now and i just felt constantly uncomfortable before.
And now I’m 22 so it’s been a couple years now since i started taking testosterone. It’s been 23
months.
M: You’re 22?
AK: Yep!
M: Ok, so you kind of answered this, but are there any specific moments you remember when it
just kind of clicked and you realized? Anything specifically?
AK: Yeah actually! At the time when I was 20, I was working at Crystal Magic and Crystal
Magic only hires women…
M: I’ve noticed that.
AK: The owners told me, and I think they’re not allowed to do this legally, but the owner told me
that he just does not trust men and he thinks they would steal from the shop or make a bad
reputation. So whenever customers would come into Crystal Magic they would say “Bye ladies!”
or like “Thanks ladies!” or whatever and I just hated it like that was the last straw! I was like I
am not a lady, I hate being referred to as one it makes me uncomfortable. So, there was this one
night where i couldn’t sleep and I was just like “Am I trans? Am I trans? Am I- I’m trans.” and I
texted my sister and I texted my roommate, who is a trans woman, and was like “Goddamn it, I
can’t keep this facade up.” I think I was doing a really good job tricking myself and tricking
other people into thinking I was a girl and I was like it takes too much effort and the energy I’m
spending trying to convince myself I’m a woman, I could just spend that energy just doing things
that I actually want to do, you know.
M: Like being yourself.
AK: Yeah. So there definitely was a single night where I was just like, “I’m done!”.
M: How did your friends and family act when you started to transition?
AK: When I got to college, most of the friends that I made were lesbian or if not lesbian, queer.
So from them I had a pretty good response. Most of my friends were pretty supportive. I think
it’s funny because I told my mom before I told my dad. Like before I got on hormones I let them
know that I was going to, it wasn’t a can I go on hormones. It was like I am going on hormones.
M: Right, which is better.
AK: Right. So, I told my mom first because I was afraid of how my dad would react because
growing up I was always kind of like daddy’s little girl kind of thing, you know? Me and my dad
were much closer than me and my mom. So, I think that’s why it was harder for me to tell him.
But what’s funny is my mom had kind of a hard time she still loves me, none of my family
disowned me which is great. None of them were like you’re making a mistake nothing like that,
but my mom had a hard time. She kept calling me my dead name, she kept using the wrong
words and pronouns for me and then a month after I told my mom, I told my dad and from the
moment we had the conversation w my dad he has not ponce misgendered me or used my name
he has never slipped up whatsoever which has been great to have that support from my dad and
both of my parents. I know my mom is trying it’s just a little harder for her.
M: She just is goofing up?
AK: Right.
M: That’s sweet.
AK: Yeah, but mostly extremely positive reactions or responses which has been really helpful for
me.
M: Do you have any specific good memories from your support system when you were
transitioning? Like wholesome memories?
AK: Sure. There’s that anecdote about my dad I guess. One that’s like it is positive and it’s not,
so I’m sorry if I’m kind of not addressing your question. I have these very close minded,
conservative aunt and uncle and they actually we got in a fist fight when I was in high school in
Rome, which is its own thing, so, they didn’t talk to me for like three years and then they found
out through my cousins that I had transitioned and I went to their house for the first time in years
and they were like… my aunt grabbed me by the cheeks and was like, “We love you and we are
so proud of you no matter what.” I was like “that seems fake, but thanks!” It was just very
strange to have gone from “we don’t like you”...
M: and fighting.
AK: and then just because I transitioned it felt kind of like I don’t know it just felt fake, you
know?
M: I mean at least they tried I guess.
AK: Right, and it’s nice and I’ll take it. They’re rich and now they send me Christmas cards
again so that’s great.
M: That’s always good. I’m sure you can’t wait for those.
AK: Right? Other support hm? I’m not sure it’s been all so positive and I think that most people
don’t make a big deal out of it which is actually better than like throwing a party or something. I
think the casual support is actually much more helpful than being obnoxious about it posting
every five minutes “I love my trans son!” or whatever.
M: Yeah, over the top.
AK: Right.
M: Have you noticed- whoops read that wrong. What effects have you noticed after being on
testosterone for the past two years?
AK: Okay well certainly, I hate to use the word, but I certainly pass now which is nice. The first
like six months of my transition I got a lot of like awkward- I worked at a very busy gas station
like hundreds of customers a day, so like a lot of my interactions were very awkward during that
time people couldn’t really tell what was going on. I had one guy, he said “Thank you ma’am…
sir… I’m not sure,” and just like walked away.
M: Jesus!
AK: Yeah, so one change I’ve notice for sure is that I get perceived as a man now, it’s not even
like questioned. People don’t even realize I’m trans unless I bring it up, which is kinda cool.
Another thing that I’ve noticed, not externally but internally, is that I have a lot stronger control
over my emotions. I used to be very angry, very easily upset, I was always crying. And now
when I get angry I just think “Oh I’m angry,” instead of like losing my shit. I think I just feel
more at peace externally and internally and I think that it is the testosterone. Actually a few
months ago, there was a big mix up with my insurance and trying to switch what kind of
testosterone I was on. So, I stopped for five weeks and I started to feel terrible again. I just felt
like I was going crazy. I was very emotional because the hormone imbalance was really bad. I
think that my body just responded very well to testosterone and it made me a better person,
which is cool.
M: Yeah, which is nice like a bonus.
AK: Right. It’s funny because a lot of people think you get more angry on testosterone or your
sex drive gets higher. It does for a lot of people, but for me it was actually the opposite which
was a great- I couldn’t have asked for that it was great.
M: Aw, that’s good. Did you have any notable experiences with body dysphoria on testosterone
that led you to realize that you may be bigender?
AK: No…
M: If that makes sense?
AK: I understand the question and how it might-body dysphoria affects a lot of trans people. For
me I never experienced a lot of body dysphoria. I never wanted to cut myself because of my
body. I never felt… I don’t know…
M: Like awful about it?
AK: I was always very self conscious because I have like large hips, but I don’t have significant
dysphoria the way that a lot of other trans people do. I actually knew that I was bigender before I
transitioned. I didn’t express it. I think there’s a big push for trans people to push very rigid
binary expectations, so when I first transitioned I wore all men’s clothes, you know, I had very
traditionally masculine haircuts and hairstyles. I wanted to make sure people didn’t “ma’am” me.
Now that my secondary sex characteristics are very masculine, like I have a more chiseled
jawline, my voice is deep, I have a tiny moustache.
M: Tiny?!
AK: These physical features allow me to express femininity in a way that I didn’t feel
comfortable when I first transitioned, but that is not because of dysphoria, that’s just because of
social expectations.
M: Yeah, that makes sense. You answered my next question already, so we’ll skip ahead.
AK: Sure.
M: What pronouns do you use? And do they change?
AK: Yeah, that’s a great question! For the sake of not explaining myself and my very not widely
accepted gender, I do use he/him pronouns at work, at school, and with most of the people that I
know. But, with close friends, my fiance, my sister, and specifically queer people I feel
comfortable using both he and she pronouns. I don’t feel comfortable when people who are not
queer use she pronouns for me, just because I’m not sure if they…
M: Are misgendering you?
AK: Right, if they’re trying to misgender me because a lot of people that are not queer don’t
know what bigender is and like I just worry that the respect isn’t there. So I’m hesitant just
because I did look like a woman for 20 years I don’t want people to use she pronouns and equate
that with me being a masculine woman instead of bigender. So, it does change depending on who
I’m with but for the sake of convenience and safety, I predominantly use he/him pronouns.
M: Okay, do you use he and she, this is just my own question, but do you use he and she like
depending on what or just don’t care?
AK: No, at any time. My friend just asked me that actually. Yeah, interchangeably.
M: I keep meaning to ask I say it on your twitter.
AK: Yeah, yeah. It’s not like cause some days I’ll be wearing, you know, a crop top and high rise
shorts and that’s a more feminine outfit, but I would still be comfortable with people using he
pronouns then or if I’m wearing like a suit and tie I would be comfortable using she/her
pronouns then as well. So, it’s not like it changes on the day or anything. It’s like all the time I’m
comfortable with people who respect me to use both.
M: Oh okay, that makes sense.
AK: Which kind of answers the next question!
M: Yeah, it does answer the next question because I know people confuse it with being day to
day.
AK: Right, so there are some like genderqueer people who do see their gender as fluid. My
gender is rigid, but it’s bigender. So, it’s both at once all the time.
M: Do you think living in a society with a historically stricter gender binary is a toxic thing?
Why or why not?
AK: Absolutely. So, I understand that 99% of the people in this world feel comfortable with a
binary gender, but it’s just the way that if oppress any minority that’s messed up. So, when you
oppress genderqueer people, or bigender people, or trans people that’s pretty messed up, right?
Even women who are comfortable expressing masculinity has become more popular now, it’s
still really not cool for men to express femininity which sucks. You know, people don’t
necessarily have to have a nonbinary gender identity to express more than what’s so rigidly
expected of them. So, it just kind of sucks that people feel like they’re pressured to stay in these
boxes. I’m not saying that everyone’s queer or everyone has something.
M: Not we feel we should be.
AK: Yeah, not at all. People should be more open to expressing themselves outside of
expectations. It’s I guess an opinion.
M: But it does make sense. Next one: does your Christian faith give you a different perspective
on gender? Or not really?
AK: It’s pretty hard to be a queer person who is a devout Catholic, but that comes from the
church and my faith, for me, all I care about is me and God. I don’t really care about or support
the Catholic church as an institution. They’ve been historically very problematic and hateful
which is opposite what they’re supposed to preach. So, it’s difficult in that sense. I don’t think
that God- like there’s the story of Adam and Eve, but I don’t really think… I think God made me
exactly how I am supposed to be. And I think that growing up in a body that was perceived as
feminine for 20 years has helped make me a better masculine person because I have had the
experiences of a feminine person so I think that God gave me exactly the body that he wanted me
to have and that I’m doing exactly what he wanted me to do with it, if that makes sense?
M: It does and it’s just up to you and your faith, so yeah, it does make sense. You kind of
answered this but what is the biggest misconception you wanted to dispel about gender?
AK: Well, I think one that society is still stuck on right now is that sex and gender are the same.
That’s a pretty big one. Clearly, they are not. Just because I don’t have a dick doesn’t mean I’m
not a dude. I mean it’s that simple. Yeah.
M: Yeah, no that’s a good misconception. Why do you think it’s so important for people to be
educated on the topic of gender identity?
AK: That’s a good question. I think it’s important to be educated on gender because it is so
pervasive. Pretty much everything we do is gendered. The foods we eat are gendered, like red
meat is for men, salads are for women. Fields of study are gendered, you know, STEM is for
men, nursing and education are for women. So, the fact that gender just affects every part of our
lives at this point means that we should be aware of that. There’s nothing wrong with a man
wanting a steak, it’s just like…
M: Things shouldn’t be assumed?
AK: Right. I mean we should think critically about how we got here and it’s not like these things
have been forever. Pink used to be a color associated with boys and blue was a color associated
with girls and it changed and everyone thinks it always just has been. Yeah, I think that it affects
everyone constantly and for that reason we should be aware.
M: Yeah.
AK: Like it’s not necessarily a bad thing, we just got to keep an eye on it.
M: Do you think you’re happier where you’re at right now?
AK: Yes, absolutely. So, I was very uncomfortable the whole time I was presenting as female and
when I first started transitioning it was very awkward. Even once I started to get like about six
months of testosterone, at that point I was like pretty hyper-masculine, which was closer than
being female but it still wasn’t right. But now I’m at a point where I express myself authentically
and I’m super aware that gender is mostly performative. You act like a dude because people want
you to act like a dude or you act like a girl because people want you to act like a girl. Now, I’m
just acting like my true self. I don’t think about how people are going to judge me on.
M: Like, what they’ll take from it?
AK: Right. So, now I’m just living to be myself and all that energy I was putting in to act
acceptably female I don’t have to put that energy in anymore. I feel like so much constantly
exhausted. So, definitely I’m very happy with where I am right now. There’s nothing- people ask
me all the time and it’s so bad and it goes back to sex and gender being the same thing, but they
ask me like, you know, do I want surgery to get a penis or do I want surgery to get my breasts
removed and it’s like, at this point, no, I’m just happy being who I am and that feels really good.
No regrets. Feels really great. If you have any more questions about being transgender or
bigender, please let me know.
M: Okay, thank you Aidan Kai.

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