The Power of Self-Talk

Is our self-talk all that important? Absolutely. What you say to

yourself can control and direct your life, build or destroy
relationships, determine whether you’ll fail or succeed. The
way you express anger, your ways of showing love, and how
you handle conflict all are driven by self-talk.
Your self-talk may be based upon some of your attitudes. A
positive attitude toward self tends to generate positive selftalk,
while a negative attitude generates negative self-talk.
Self-talk is based on your beliefs. And what you truly
believe is manifested in both your inner and oral
conversations.
Listen to these thoughts:
Jim, a high school teacher: There’s no point in
figuring out what I want since I don’t deserve it
anyway. And even if I deserve it, I won’t get it.
Joan, a mother of three: I am going through life with a
chip on my shoulder. I’m always angry.
Don, a salesperson: Anything I tackle has got to fail.
Gina, a financial analyst: I run everything through a
negative filter.
Ann, a stay-at-home mom: I always feel guilty, no
matter what I do.
Sam, a contractor: Nothing ventured, nothing lost.
That’s my motto. I’m afraid to try for failing.
Trent, a music student: What I don’t like is me.
Mary, a waitress: What’s wrong with me! I’m never
content. When am I going to be happy?[
Do any of these sound familiar? Have you made similar
statements? By repeating this kind of self-talk, we allow it to
shape our lives.
In my experiences as a counselor, I’ve found that most
people seem to believe that outside events, other people, and
circumstances determine their emotions, behaviors, and verbal
responses. Those things certainly do influence us. But it’s our
thoughts that are usually the source of how we feel, behave,
and speak.
Even if our thoughts are irrational, we tend to believe them.
What we think about things and people will determine the
emotions we feel, and the behaviors and verbal responses we
express.
We prefer to think others are the problem. It’s easier to
blame than to say, “It’s me.” Instead we say, “I’m right and
you’re wrong. I’m not the one who needs to change.”
As an example of how your beliefs affect your self-talk,
consider these typical beliefs about marriage (we’ll talk more
about marriage later):
My spouse should make me happy.
My spouse should meet all my needs.
My spouse should know what my needs are without
my having to tell him/her.
My spouse should be willing to do things according
to my way of doing them.
My spouse should not respond in an irritable or
angry way to me.