WHY GOD IS BALD

by E. G. Cohn

Introduction
We have all gathered here today to discuss the prospect that God is, in fact, bald, and
does not have hair, as many scholars have suggested. This is the first study to go properly in-
depth regarding the hair amount of the almighty. The findings: none. There is absolutely no hair
on the head of our lord, The following study is brought to you by IHHL: The Institute for Holy
Hair Loss.

Hypothesis
If God does, in fact, exist, and is our lord and savior, then it follows that God is bald and
does, in fact, have no hair. Conversely, if God does, in fact, not exist, and is not our lord and
savior, then it would follow to, too, be impossible for God to have hair, or anything else for that
matter.

Procedure
Research baldness in the bible. This will correlate to whether God is bald.

Data
Leviticus 13:41
And if a man's hair falls out from his forehead, he has baldness of the forehead; he is clean.

Micah 1:16
Make yourselves bald and cut off your hair, for the children of your delight; make yourselves as
bald as the eagle, for they shall go from you into exile.

2 Kings 2:23-24
He went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came
out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” And he
turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. And two she-
bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.

Conclusion
Based on the above data, it is made evident that, with all proper knowledge, God is, in
fact, bald. The bible, given proper research, has shown a positive trend towards a preference of
baldness. According to the bible, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God
he created him,” (Genesis 1:27) The bible also clearly states the goodness of God: “The Lord is
good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” (Psalms 145:9) Due to the fact that the
bible contains evidence that baldness is, in fact, a desirable attribute, and that God has made
man in his own image, and that God is, in fact, good, it follows that God is, in fact, bald, and
indeed does not have any, nor has likely ever had, hair.