Truly Yourz 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Chapter 1: For Whom the Bells Toll 
 
“I see the rain pouring down. T​he bells getting loud, ain't nowhere to hide. Got nowhere 
to go, put away my pride. Tired of feeling low, even when I'm high. Ain't no way to live, 
do I wanna die? I don't know” Jermaine wrote quietly in his journal during class 
reminiscing on his life. Alexis slides a note to Jermaine making a funny joke. At that 
moment, he felt a weight off his shoulders instantly come off. He looked into her eyes 
and smiled because of the way he felt. Long curly hair, the fairest brown skin, 
astonishing eyes, beautiful lips and a body of the ages, Jermaine was always stunned 
about her.  
“Helllloooooooooo” Alexis said while Jermaine was daydreaming and zoning out.  
“Sorry I was just thinking about something don’t mind me” as he laughed, “You know 
math class never interested me anyway.”  
As he smiled and she smiled back the bell rang and it was time to go home. Back to the 
reality that Jermaine lived. A black mother and a white father that left when he was 
little. Step pops never cared about the family or his little brother Zach. Jermaine hated 
his step pops. He would beat them and hit his mother but Jermaine was to young to say 
anything to him and scared. As the bells grew louder from the Marvin Gaye songs, he 
knew mama was smoking cigarettes and she would kill a whole bottle of some cheap 
chardonnay. He wish that he could say the right words to cheer her up. He wished her 
son's love was enough 
Jermaine ran to her room and said, "Mama, go to sleep" 
She told him "Boy, hush. You better pray to God you never get your heart crushed." 
He ran to his room shedding tears, too young to deal with pain, but he cleared them up 
after all because he had to be okay to take care of little bro. Jermaine went to Zach’s 
room and tucked him in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Jermaine then went outside 
to his alley to shoot some hoops because he knew tomorrow was the start of his high 
school playoffs. He had to focus and forget all the pain he was experiencing. Swish. As 
he took his last jumpshot, focusing on his big day tomorrow. “Father forgive me for me, 
childish ways. I look outside and all the clouds are gray. I need your hands to take me, 
miles away. Your wish is my command.” Jermaine prayed as he fell asleep in his bed.  
 
Chapter 2: Immortal  
 
“Now I was barely seventeen with a pocket full of hope. Screamin', dollar and a dream 
with my closet lookin' broke. And my brothers lookin' clean, gettin' caught up with that 
dope. Have you ever served a fiend with a pocket full of soap? I can tell you things that 
you probably shouldn't know. Have you ever heard the screams when the body hit the 
floor? Flashbacks to the pain, wakin' up, cold sweats.” Jermaine was writing quietly as 
he was thinking about life closely. School was not on his mind at the moment. He was 
worried about his game. His music and writing killed fear. Alexis came from the back of 
the room and she was watching Jermaine write with focus.  
“What are you writing?” Alexis stunned him and Jermaine jumped out of 
embarrassment. 
“Nothing! JUST SOME UMMM HOMEWORK” 
“Let me see it” 
“We can just forget about it, how bout that?” Jermaine laughed it off with her about it. 
He never knew how to talk to Alexis because he never had a father to pathed the way 
and show him how to treat a woman correctly. All he has seen was a drug addict 
mother with an abuse stepfather.  
(School bell rings). It is gametime. The biggest game of the season so far because it 
was the start of the playoffs. He gets all dressed and ready. Mark, a teammates, comes 
to him and they throw a prayer before the game. The prayers from the Lord has 
answered. They win an amazing game and Jermaine feels ecstatic. However, on the 
way home he gets a call. Momma is in the hospital again. He doesn’t know why. But all 
he knows is that he needs to get home and take care of Zach.  
“When’s momma coming home bro?” Zach asked in fear. 
“Go to sleep alright? She is gonna be alright I’m always here I promise.” 
“She overdosed again wasn’t she” 
Jermaine was in shock that his little brother knew about her condition. He now 
understood that even young ones went through this pain. Jermaine went to his room 
now thinking about what he was going to do with his life. The day was so great for him 
until the night time when things got rough. He wrote before he went to bed: “Death 
creepin' in my thoughts lately. My one wish in this life, make it quick if the Lord take me. 
I know nobody meant to live forever anyway. And so I hustle like my brothers in 
Virgini-A. They tellin' us sell dope, rap or go to NBA, in that order. It's that sort of thinkin' 
that been keepin' brothers chained. At the bottom and hanged, the strangest fruit that 
you ever seen, ripe with pain.” 
 
Chapter 3: Deja Vu 
 
“On a scale from 1 to 10 that girl's a hundred and I want it. No question, I know destiny 
well. And though I sin the Lord blessing me still. Every saint got a past, every sinner got 
a future. Every loser gotta win and every winner gotta lose someday. They say it's just a 
matter of time. And if I had my way then you would be mine” Confidence. That’s the 
only thing going through Jermaine’s head. Asking her out would be a long shot a couple 
months ago, but he felt it today. Today was the day. He saw her. Beautiful eyes, 
Brightening smile, and perfect sun tanned skin.  
“Hey Alexis” Jermaine went to her locker. 
“You know you can just call me Lexi right?” laughing out loud as Lexi smiled.  
“I’m sorry I just used to your friends calling you that and I did not know if we were on the 
same level you feel me?”  
“Don't trip okay?” Lexi continually to blush. 
“So you know, I wanted to see.. Um.. if you know you would wanna you know.. Umm.. 
like maybe one time you know.. um.. “ 
“Yes” 
“What?” 
“We can go out after school” Lexi gave him a hug after she said blushed harder. She 
thought it was so cute how nervous he was around her.  
From here the rest of the year was history. They were an amazing together. Then, that 
one night came. They were supposed to leave downtown to have their usual sushi date 
night. However, as always Lexi took forever to get ready. Jermaine was outside waiting 
for her.  
“Come in for a second, I still have to get ready” Lexi explained while Jermaine laughed 
of frustration. However, Jermaine had a promise ring for Lexi and he felt nervous 
because tonight was the night that he was going to give it her. He loved her so much 
and he wanted to give her the world. As he walks through the door he trips, and the 
promise ring came out of his jacket. She saw it and started to wonder what it was 
because she was confused 
“What is it?” 
Out of frustration and panic Jermaine yelled, 
“OKAY WELL DON’T EVEN HELP ME UP OR ASK IF I'M OKAY”  
“I’m sorrryyyyyy” as Lexi laughed quite a bit.  
After all the laughs, now he had to explain. He started on why he cared about her. It was 
not because of any of the physical attributes, even though in his eyes she was 
absolutely beautiful. It was the way Lexi made him feel. Even with a mom that was 
going through her pain and affecting him, Jermaine felt like the weight of her shoulders 
was off and when he was with her he felt peace. He struggled to know what God he 
believed in. But he knew for God to be true because of her, whatever God made her was 
the God that he believed in. In telling her these feelings, he gave her the ring. Promising 
her that in whatever time he had left on his earth that he would not give up on her. This 
was not marriage but a representation of his love for her. He knew he wasn’t the man 
that he wanted to be yet, but everyday he would strive to be this way. Even though he 
had all this love for her, Jermaine did not feel like he was the right one for Lexi. He was 
living with all this pain that he didn’t understand. The fact of being a good kid or a kid 
that lives on the streets thinking he was a gangbanga. However, he lived in this moment. 
At that time they both made love that night. As both felt that they were connected with 
each other and that there was no one else for each other. Lust was not the cause but a 
misunderstanding of love. Pop that top, take a sip of her holiest water. He know he’s a 
part of your flow now. See when you cut her, don't matter you love her. And now you got 
part of her soul, now. There was a promise that was made with her. The way she was, 
not only the physical, but the emotional. Jermaine went back to his crib. Laying down, 
thinking about her, momma, brother zach, and all the brothers in the ville. Lexi. How can 
her hurt her? Being stuck in chase of glory and fame. Being stuck in this system that the 
world wants brothers to fail. Or a system where being half white helped him out to be 
successful. He didn’t know anymore. Deja Vu was the only thing holding him forward 
because he knew it all of his decisions would come to haunt him. Still writing at the 
night: “I know you were made for me but, darling don't you wait for me. 'Cause I can see 
the promise land but I can't do no promising. I know you were made for me, but darling 
don't you wait for me. 'Cause I can see the promise land, but I can't do no promising.” 
 
Chapter 4: Mentality 
 
“How long can I survive with this mentality? How long can I survive with this mentality? 
Damn it, won't be long 'fore I disappear. You call it runnin', I call it escapin'. Start a new 
life in a foreign location. Similar to my brothers duckin' cases. Can't take the possible 
time that it faces.” Was it survival or was it being like the rest? Jermaine lost sight. The 
ville was so bad that he started living apart of the society. Mama didn’t care. Pops 
probably died at this point. Lexi kept getting into arguments with him trying to get him 
way back into reality. Jermaine did not realize. Hitting blunts, having a glock 9, and 
selling dope to get the cash to support his family. But was it really his fault? Maybe it 
was the system that was put into place. Or maybe it was his own decisions. How do you 
expect a young man to support his house and family without great education and no 
funds to go to secondary school. Or maybe it was because pops never taught him the 
right ways. Jermaine had a bad dream. Was it a bad dream or was it reality? That he 
was trapped in this city, then he asked himself,  
“Is that really such a bad thing?” 
Brothers robbing brothers on the daily. Can you really blame a brother that never had 
things? Guess not. Just the other night they pulled on Jermaine at the light saying, 
“Nice watch” 
It was a survival at this point. But he allowed the world to consume his soul. He could 
have been in this change. Mentality. It was different. Everyone started calling him Jay. 
And for me, I never thought that I would see him start to change the way he did. They 
were manipulating him. He was on the right track. Even though it seemed like he’s 
changing. He was struggling. He was being like all the others on the street but at home, 
he was acting like he was an angel. He felt like every white person had to be rich and 
famous but being black he had to be broke and brainless. That's a stereotype. Why 
couldn’t he be different. Jay comes home. Lexi laying on the couch crying.  
“What’s wrong babe?” Jay comes in from being with the homeboys.  
“I am just tired.“ 
“Just tell me what’s going on” 
“No you tell me what's going on, what’s wrong with you, what happen to your promises.” 
“Are you safe?” Jay asked Lexi in a random time.  
“What does that have to do with…” 
“THAT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT.” Jay cut her off with anger. “THAT'S THE 
REASON.” 
From the door, Jay showed her his scars that he had from the fights on the streets that 
she did not see originally. He promised right now he wouldn’t lie.  
“If we were at war, then this is a war that I cannot afford. I wanted more but that was the 
past. You and the Lord know I am torn. From the corner of my eye baby, it's been hard 
for me to live. It’s been hard to smile. If you do not want me to be here I understand. 
There needs to be a change. If I could move us to hollywood, I would.” In tears, Lexi 
cried looking at the deepened physical scars and emotional scars. Knives, one bullet 
wound. It showed the mentality of survival in these streets. Jay had changed but still 
had good intentions. After all the cruel things that happen, the phone rings. Mama calls 
again. Mama using Jay as a crutch. He remembered the days where he couldn’t get a 
dollar from her. The memories were blurry for a second but they were coming back. He 
knew that the money he was going to give to her was for a destruction. But how can you 
say no to mama? Mentality. All these different situations and pain happening at once. 
No one ever explained to Jay how to deal with everything. And for me, seeing his life, it 
hurts. At the end of the day, he had to go home to Lexi and love her unconditionally. He 
knew that he did not know what had in store, but he knew that he had to continue to be 
strong. He went to his room asking himself why this all the way it has to be right now? 
Lexi comforts him but however falls asleep. Jay took out his notebook and went back to 
when he was a kid. “My dad, he died, he got shot, 'cause his friend set him up. And I 
didn't go to his funeral, and sometimes when I'm in my room. I get mad at my momma 
when she mean to me. How long can I survive with this mentality? I get mad and I slam 
my door and go in my room. And then, I get mad and I say, "I wish my dad was here" 
 
Chapter 5: She’s Mine pt 1 
 
“I wanna cry and I ain't even tryna fight it.I don't wanna die no more. 'Cause now you're 
here. And I just wanna be right by your side. On any night that you be crying baby. I'll dry 
your eyes, I'll dry your eyes.You shine just like the patent leather on my new 11's.You 
read me like a book like I'm the Bible, you the Reverend. And, I wanna tell the truth to 
you. I wanna talk about my days as a youth to you. Exposing you to all my demons and 
the reasons I'm this way. I would like to paint a picture, but it'll take more than a day” Jay 
opened his journal and started ranting. I would paraphrase, but it would just be better if 
you read.  
“Lexi. I’ve never felt any other way about a woman than you. Mama never liked you. 
Maybe it was because I spent so much time with you. I want to marry you. I can’t. I am 
not the man that I have to be in order to be a husband. I’ve been on the streets. I have 
made a lot of bad decisions. I need to tell you something. I have been living in circles. I 
been living my life without rehearsals. If I were to die tonight, was it business or was it 
personal? If I were to have my last breath, I am blessed because i feel like it was 
purposeful. I got to church sometimes, so I pray to the Lord to please be merciful. Lexi. I 
am sorry for all the pain you bring me. I did not know considering death was an option 
but I have considered it. But you caught me. Cause I was falling and i fell in love with 
you. Don’t move. Do not give up on me cause I won’t give up on you. You have given me 
hope. A new life. I have become insecure. I talk about becoming a man. Sometimes I 
ain’t sure but sometimes I understand it. My highest moments came from living the 
saddest story. I’ve seen in my life I fiend to be better and to be more. But damn… my 
lowest moments came from trying to impress some brothers that couldn’t care for 
more. I always wanted to give hope, kinda like the fountains you throw pennies in. You 
have given me that hope. I remember when we were kids. I was the one that sent you 
those anonymous flowers. I was a coward back then. You still make me nervous. Old 
chicks used to always holla at me but I was lost out on you. This has to be the biggest 
crush ever. Love is really the biggest drug ever and I have to admit… I’m on one. When I 
was younger, I used to be up at night thinking about you. Even when momma was off 
the pills, you brought me happiness. I know you have been frustrated. And you’ll never 
read this until I’m gone. I know I’ve talked about our future but sometimes I feel like I am 
not gonna see tomorrow. But till the day I am gone, I am going to love you 
unconditionally. You are mine. Keep a place for me. I’ve been trying to change but I 
haven’t told nobody. If God wants me to change, I will but I won’t tell no one about it. I 
want to go back to Jermaine…” 
Jay realized that the love he had for your mother… I mean Lexi. Jay went to the next 
page continued to write. His journal always meant everything to him. There was nothing 
more important (expect lexi) than his time alone writing. “It would take more than some 
years to get all over all my fears. Preventing me from letting you see all of me perfectly 
clear. The same wall that's stopping me from letting go and shedding tears. From the 
lack of having father, and the passing of my peers. While I'm too scared to expose 
myself. It turns out, you know me better than I know myself” 
 
Chapter 6: Change  
 
“I sit in silence and and find whenever I meditate. My fears alleviate, my tears evaporate. 
My faith don't deviate, ideas don't have a date. But see I'm growing and getting stronger 
with every breath. Bringing me closer to heaven's doors with every step. As we speak 
I'm in peace, no longer scared to die.” God was always a topic that lingered on Jay’s 
mind. Wondering if God really cared about him. Wondering if God was understand the 
ignorance of man to take another person's life. Chosen religion. Jay had been through 
the toughest times. December 5th. Lexi knew this day always disturbed Jay. She never 
knew why. He would always just stay in his room the whole day and not say a word to 
anyone. Brothers from the ville used to make fun of him and tell him it was a meditation 
day. However, this was a moment, a day, a grave to remember. Lexi always left Jay to 
his space on this day because she knew he acted so much different. She was worried 
about Jay this year though. It seemed that his life was either heading to a federal facility 
or seeing him in a casket one day. It was time that Lexi tried and ask him what 
happened on this day.  
“Babe you want something to eat?” Lexi asked quietly while the door was slightly 
opened. Silence. It was silent like late nights in a graveyard. These dark secrets made 
his heart darker. This sort of silence had a degree of fear or paranoia. “Even if you 
weren’t hungry, I still brought you a sandwich. I just wanna know how I can help.” Lexi 
restfully put her arm on Jay as he was laying down. Jay had thought about everything 
closely, but had never told anyone about this day.  
“I’m sorry... “ Jay said softly as he laid upright on his bed, “I have hidden this for too long 
and I think it is time for you to know.” 
“I’m here for whatever you need to say.” Lexi said willingly and openly to his past life. 
This is something that Jay couldn’t live with and if you heard his words you would have 
goosebumps through your arms. Lexi did not expect the words that were about to said 
by Jay. She was afraid but also calm because she knew that being there for him was 
everything at this moment. Jay held his sheets tightly as he felt PTSD creep in his mind. 
He was about to relive the most defining moment of his life. He started explaining the 
details. Xavier was his name. This kid was his best friend, brother, and even family. 
When they were kids they used to hang by the fences of each others backyards and 
explain how one day they wanted to be big enough to jump the fences and play with 
each other. This was the kid that he would put his life on the line if needed. And if he 
could go back he would… 
“Xavier and I were in high school at the time. I had gone involved with the Kings at the 
time. They always hated me cause I wasn’t like them. I wasn’t the right color like them. I 
didn’t act the same way as them. I used to get my ass beat all the time. Xavier would 
always get his ass beat cause of me too. He wasn’t, you know, the biggest kid on the 
planet. Javon. The leader of the pack in our school hated me. He always threaten to kill 
me but I never took it serious. Xavier used to tell me how scared he was of loosing his 
life. He was so innocent. I loved him so much. I knew him since birth and growing up 
together made us feel like family. It was a late night in the ville. You know the normal 
things two dumbasses would do on a late saturday night. You know the thing I regret 
was that his mama told him he couldn’t go out that night. I went to the house to 
convince her to let him out with me. After the conversation with his mama, we went out. 
Rolled a blunt and smoked it up. We enjoyed the time together talking, walking and even 
sitting on the swings by old park with the squeaky slides. I remember getting up and 
telling him that we should go deeper in the ville and take some pictures. It was 11PM at 
this point and mama was worried sick about me. I rejected all her phone calls. He 
thought it would be a good idea to go home but my dumbass thought otherwise. I 
convinced him to keep walking. It was cold. So cold. I pushed Xavier to the street 
messing with him but my hands started to freeze so I put my hands back in my pocket. 
All of a sudden when I put my hands in my pockets, I heard three gunshots so close to 
me. My ears started ringing so much I couldn’t hear anything and I closed my eyes for a 
split second because I was scared. I look down and Xavier is on the floor. One bullet 
through his right abdomen. Two bullets near his chest. I grabbed him and all the blood 
was on my hands. He could barely breathe. I just remember telling him to hold on to me 
and not give up. His tears flowed down his eyes and could barely speak. I yelled at him 
telling him he wasn’t going anywhere. From the side of my eyes I saw Javon running 
away and someone had called the cops so I heard the sirens in the distance. I couldn’t 
even focus on anything but him though. I kept yelling at him to keep holding on to me. 
My tears of sadness turned into oceans of frustration. I kept telling him that I loved him. 
He looked at me and told me ‘don’t let go of me’. There was so much blood that 
wrapped around my hands. And as I saw his blood on my hands, I felt his grip of his 
hands loosening, I knew that I had lost the most important person to me. He stopped 
breathing. He was gone. His hand let go of my hand. I yelled at the top of my lungs for 
God to bring him back and to take me instead. The ambulance came rushing in and I 
screamed at them saying they were too late to save him. Months later, Javon was 
released from custody due to the fact that there was not enough evidence to convict 
him of the murder. And since then, on December 5th and sit in meditation to reflect on 
that day. He is one person that owes me an apology. I’ve been the bigger man just like I 
have always been. Eventually, but right now that has been hard for me. I have been 
dreaming violent, I can’t tolerate disloyalty. I never really fantasize about murder 
because I’m still sane. But recently, I can’t seem to fight this urge to make him feel pain. 
I also know that vengeance is the Lord’s not and it’s not for me. But I want him to feel 
pain. I’ve always wanted to keep brothers out of the yellow tape. But I wanna kill the 
man that made my boys mother cry. So now I sit babe, contemplating, am I sane? I want 
people in the ville to be safe. I want change to happen but I know the change has to 
come within myself. And if I am willing to kill that man, how do I expect change within 
everyone else? I remember I used to ball up and not worry about my life. But now I own 
a .9 on my side and it’ll never run out of ammo. I reminisce to back to a time when 
brothers threw hands. People now popping trunks, finger on a trigger to make others 
understand. What it feels like or think what it feels like to be a man. That's not the way 
through. And as I walk down the streets everyday, I get pissed cause we need to come 
together. I am so desperate for a change but the only change is gonna come from the 
inside. Starting with me. My intuition is telling there’ll be better days.”  
Lexi was in complete silence. She now understood the pain that Jay had been going 
though. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him she loved him. She did not know. 
Lexi had no clue that a man could hide an event so tragic and allow it to completely 
destroy him by the day. She also did not understand how he hadn’t done any cruel 
actions now. But she did understand why he acted the way he did. It was actual survival 
and to keep her safe. In her mind, change needed to be done and she was convinced of 
it. Jay asked her nicely to leave the room. He just needed that time for himself to reflect 
and calm down. Explaining all the details to her made Jay in rage. The night was cold as 
he opened his window to get some fresh air. As he sits in his chair opening his 
notebook, he hears 2 shots in the distance. There needed to be change. He started 
writing quietly as he heard the cries in the distance. It was just a normal night in the 
ville. He turned on the night news to see if it was already being broadcasted. He knew it 
was for the publicity. But what he didn’t expect was who to see that passed that night. 
“​Pistols be poppin' and brothers drop in a heartbeat. Scattered like roaches, a body laid 
on the concrete. Body laid on the concrete. Look, somebody laid on the concrete. No 
time for that, ain't no lookin' back, cause I'm running too. I made it home, I woke up and 
turned on the evening news. Overcame with a feeling I can't explain. 'Cause that was my 
brother Mark that was slain, he was 22.” 
 
Chapter 7: Neighbors  
 
“But one thing is for sure though, the fame is exhausting'. That's why I moved away, I 
needed privacy. Surrounded by the trees and Ivy League. Students that's recruited 
highly. Thinkin' you do you and I do me. Crib has got a big 'ol backyard. My brothers 
stand outside and pass cigars. Filled with marijuana, laughin' hard.” Jay had to escape 
the ville. He had been saving up for a minute. After he found out Mark had passed he 
knew nobody was safe. You think it would hit hard on Jay’s heart about mark but at this 
point, he wasn’t surprised. He started making a lot of money for his friends glass 
company. And selling dope on the side always helped his case with the financial side. 
Jay did not want to keep selling that doe but it was the way to survive at the moment. 
This system did not allow him to succeed. He was trying his hardest just to keep Lexi 
safe at the end of the day. He moved 2 hours away from the ville. A neighborhood full of 
the whites. He didn’t think nothing of it cause he was half white himself. Nice old house 
he got for himself and Lexi. Old-school tanned brick, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, oak trees 
surrounded the house, leaves on the house to cover it up, but at the end of the day it 
was perfect for them. He even offered mama a room the house, but she would be away 
from “everything” so she declined. Ryan, the neighbor of theirs, did not like the new 
couple in town. It was something “different” for them. It was always a fake relationship. 
Jay would come home say hello to the neighbors and they would fake smile back and 
forth. Than you would mind your business and move on with your day. Whispers around 
the neighborhood was that Jay was selling dope to keep up with the payments. Lexi 
was trying to walk dogs for the neighbors but they were always willing to give the job to 
someone else. They would only let Lexi walk the dogs if she was the only option. She 
was realizing that the people around her did not want her to succeed anyway. All eyes 
were on them. There was nowhere to hide. It was a different atmosphere where they 
were at. Not as many cops roaming around and you saw every little white kid with their 
daddy in the front playing some type of game. How come these such things couldn’t 
happened back in the ville? Jay thought about his dad and how he didn’t even know who 
he was or how he looked. Obviously had be a lighter version of himself. Mama used to 
always tell him that he look just like his father. Jay missed mama as he was in this new 
place. He kind of felt bad leaving her and the little bro back in the ville with no help. He 
would always send money their way just to make sure that they had groceries for that 
week. It was time they took a trip back to the ville for a minute just to see mama. 3 long 
weeks in this new area was already a little homesick. As they went to go home for the 
weekend, Ryan had noticed that they were leaving and used this as a great opportunity 
to get them in trouble for something. He didn’t even know what to get them in trouble 
for but he had to try something. Jay was finally back home.  
“You leave us for just a couple weeks and you already miss us?” Zach messing with Jay 
as he walked into the door. They embraced each other.  
“Where’s mama?” Jay asked worryingly.  
“She said she would be home soon… Ay and by the way, I wanted to say sorry about 
Mark. I know y’all grew up together too. He was like a brother to me too. I heard it was 
drug related.” Zach said with a soft heart.  
“Mark was always someone that Jay cared about in his heart. We will miss him dearly. 
But let's enjoy the time we have together.” Lexi said trying to enjoy the time that they 
were together. Mama walks in the door drunk, tipsy, and even legless. Anything in the 
book to describe her drunkenness. Jay upset cause all he wanted to do was enjoy his 
time home for a minute.  
“Son, I am soooooo happy you are home. It's not like you left us here with nothinggggg. 
What you get a little money and you forget who raised you?” Mama said slurring her 
words while Jay got heated. Meanwhile, Ryan had called the cops multiple times 
complaining about Jay. That he had a funny feeling that there was something funny 
going around in that house. A S.W.A.T team had come by and raided the house with 
some huge ass guns and armour. I guess they were trying to find some drugs or like 
some weapons but all they saw was a studio and some rooms where they slept. They 
tore down the house looking for something to lock up Jay. Jay had cameras set up in 
house and would get notifications when there was a lot of movement around the house. 
He looked at his phone and saw his whole house being torn down by some big white 
S.W.A.T members like he was a drug lord or something.  
“Babe we gotta go back, look at this shit” Jay said very frustrated. Lexi was in shock in 
what she had saw.  
“Like I said beforehand always leaving… Never gave a damn about us” Mama slurred as 
she overheard Jay talking to Lexi.  
“Just like you left Zach with those hopeless nights when you were in the hospital?” 
Everyone in silence as Jay snapped on mama. Lexi tried to whisper to say to stop but he 
went on, “Who was there mama huh? When you were gone? Who pays the bills for this 
house, for your food, and your own son’s education? It’s me. Always has been and 
always will be. Paps wasn’t there. I think we’ve might of had like 3 stepdads and I hated 
all of them.” Jay walked out slamming the door. Zach in shock and Lexi in tears 
knowing the pain that Jay had been going through. All they could focus on was getting 
back to the house and figuring out what had happened. They drove back. Door broken 
down. Windows broken. Couches torn apart. Cabinets thrown on the floor. Everything 
was messed up. Jay sees Ryan at the side of his house and asks him if he saw 
anything.  
“No sir, I didn’t see anything.” Ryan said sarcastically and pulls out a cigar, lights it up 
and smokes it. Jay was pissed off. He realized there was no point of leaving the ville. He 
relooked at the tape and saw the officers break all his cameras. They looked like army 
crewmen going on a top secret mission looking for something dangerous. It all did not 
make any sense to him. They didn’t even find the weed that he had been selling. It was 
time to go back to the ville. They packed their bags and left the morning after. He 
thought he could live with the white folks because of his ethnicity but he found out that 
hate between people just goes bigger than race. Back at home, he opened his notebook 
and starting writing. “I think the neighbors think I'm sellin' dope. I guess the neighbors 
think I'm sellin' dope, sellin' dope.Well… motherf****, I am. So much for integration. 
Don't know what I was thinkin'. I'm movin' back to Southside. So much for integration. 
Don't know what I was thinkin'. I'm movin' back to Southside” 
 
Chapter 8: Folding Clothes  
 
“Brothers from the hood is the best actors. Got learn to speak in ways that's unnatural. 
Just to make it through the job interviews. If my boys heard me, they'd say ‘Damn what’s 
gotten into you?’ Just trying to make it dog, somehow. Peaking through the blinds, I see 
the sun now. I see you're still sleeping and it feels like. Maybe everything is gon' be 
alright.” Jay had some great news for Lexi. A new job at a company. Run by the white 
man, it kind of made him very nervous. He was the only one that was different. “I am so 
proud of you” Lexi told Jay with a great smile but a sense of nervousness. Jay noticed 
the nervousness but did not say anything. He just enjoyed his time with Lexi that day. 
He had noticed that she was acting slightly different but he just thought it was one of 
those off days for her. They both were in the bedroom listening to their favorite songs 
together. Had a couple of snacks, a cup of chocolate milk, and a basket of clothes 
waiting to be folded. Jay hated folding clothes but he would always do it cause it made 
Lexi happy.  
“Did I tell you how much I love you today?” as Jay gave a kiss to Lexi looking into her 
beautiful eyes.  
“Did I tell you how much clothes you have to fold for me today babe?” Lexi told Jay 
joking around with him. Jay started to laugh and pretend to be mad. However, as Lexi 
was laughing she started feeling nauseous. She ran to the bathroom and started to 
throw up. Jay was nervous because he never like seeing Lexi sick or in pain.  
“Can you bring me some water? I am going to lay down and try and get some rest.” Lexi 
said this to Jay covering knowledge that what was going on with her physically.  
“You sure you don’t need anything? Do you want to go to the doctors?” Jay said 
worringy. 
“No I am fine. We will talk about it when I wake up.” As Lexi went to the couch and laid 
her head on the pillow for comfort. Jay started to fold all her clothes for her. He knew 
that after he was done with his clothes it was time to fold his clothes. He saw her lay on 
the couch so elegantly. For him, she looked great when she was awake but there was 
something about her grace that made her finer when she was asleep. Jay been knowing 
himself way longer than Lexi knew him, but she always said things that he never knew 
about himself. She brought the man and the youth out him. He wanted to fold clothes 
for her for the rest of his life. But was Jay an actual man or was he still fighting getting 
rid of all his childish ways because some of them were deadly. Jay wasn’t used to 
getting used to people. He was used to losing people. And being used in a way that he 
used to use some people. But with Lexi, it was something different. Her intentions 
seemed different and he actually thought she would probably stay. Lexi got up. Running 
to the bathroom again with the feeling of throwing up again. Jay ran into the bathroom 
checking on her making sure that she was doing okay. He was too nervous so he 
decided to take her to the doctor. Lexi knew what was coming and she knew what she 
was going to hear. She was just nervous because she did not know how to handle what 
was going to happen. The doctor's office was never a place she liked going too. The 
doctor asked Jay to step out the room while they told Lexi the results. Jay a little 
frustrated but left the room silently. Lexi then left the room after she got the results.  
“What did they say?” Jay said worryingly and nervous. Lexi decided to stay quite as she 
did not want to tell him yet. Jay got a little annoying and kept asking her what was going 
on. They were in the car and Jay always played music regardless of what was going on 
usually. But this time the music was off and he just told her. 
“Look, if you are really sick or anything, don’t be afraid of me leaving you. I will always be 
here for you. I’ll take care of you. I am not going anywhere I promise. And even if you 
need me to run and get medication or cook for you everyday… I mean I’ll learn how to 
cook. I will fold clothes all the times without no attitude, I just want you to feel better. 
You don’t even need to work anymore, with this new job I will be able to take care…” 
“I’m pregnant” Lexi interrupted Jay.  
“What?” 
“You heard me” 
“I did not hear you” 
“I’m pregnant” Lexi repeated herself. Jay stood in silence. He did not know what to say. 
He did not know if he was happy or not. Not because he wouldn’t love a kid but because 
he wondering if he is a man or a kid himself. He was still trying to handle all his 
business. He was barely over twenty. Jay was then panicking. He froze up like a 
mannequin. He felt like she was playing with his feeling like he was an action figure or 
something.  
“Regardless if you are here or not, I will raise this child up.” Lexi said Jay while he stood 
silent. Jay was thinking about leaving and not even talking to Lexi because he knew he 
was not ready. He told Lexi he wasn’t ready. She was very discouraged to see that he 
was not happy for her and ready to build something more with her.  
“Did you forget about the conversations that we had way back… Bout your father? And 
you told me that you hated him. You told me he was a coward and you are so glad that 
you aren’t that man. Cause he left your mama when she had you and he aint shit. And 
here you go thinking about the same thing he did? If you left, you are just like him.” Lexi 
told Jay crying to him and very upset. All these thoughts that Jay was experiencing was 
the devil whispering in his ear. He understood Lexi and he was convicted by the words 
that she said. He was determined to show everyone, her, Mama, Zach, and all the 
brothers in the ville that he was not the same. He was going to love you to the fullest of 
his heart. Jay then got home and went to his room. Reflecting on how he was just 
folding clothes to knowing that he is going to have kid. He had to get ready to fold more 
clothes than just her and him. There was going to be another set of clothes for him to 
fold. He wrote silently in his room: “I wanna fold clothes for you. I wanna make you feel 
good. Baby I wanna do the right thing. Feels so much better than the wrong thing. I 
wanna fold clothes for you. If I can make life easier, the way you do mine. Save you 
some time, alleviate a bit of stress from your mind. Help you relax, let you recline babe. 
Then I should do it, cause Heaven only knows. How much you have done that for me. 
Now I see it's the simple things” 
 
 
 
Chapter 9: She’s Mine pt 2 
 
“Catch me, don't you, catch me, I've fallen in love. For the first time, For you I drop the 
tough guy s***. On this bus I sit. Thinking bout you. Damn it feel good to have you. 
Needin' me, wantin' me, givin' me a chance to feel special to somebody in a world where 
they not lovin' me.” Jay had never felt the amount of love when you came out the 
womb. Seeing you in your mother's arms as you cried, was the most beautiful thing to 
see as Jay cried his eyes out. I had never seen him cry as much as he did that day. 
There was no more messing with his life. This life that was given to him was a gift. 
There was a responsibility that he felt in his heart that he needed to be the best father 
he could be. Jay was reminiscing when you came out the room. As tears of joy filled the 
room with Jay, Lexi, Zach and Mama. He heard and saw the heartbeats on the monitor 
and he realized how important you were to him. God had always been a topic of 
struggle but whatever God had made you he believed in. Jay then struggled with the 
realization that his daughter would have a struggling father. He wanted to do everything 
he could but would he be able to with all his pain? Would he be able to be strong enough 
to give her everything she needed? Just a minute ago he remembered meeting Lexi for 
the first time and stuttering to ask her out. Or when his mama was constantly going in 
and out of the hospital. However, now it was all about you. You were the only one on his 
mind. An Angel. Hearing you cry made his heart overfilled with joy. You were everything 
that made him happy.  
“Look what you did babe” Jay said to Lexi as they both weep in tears of joy. 
“Look at what we did” Lexi said “She is so beautiful.” Jay thought about all the people 
that said he wouldn’t be a real man. This is what made him want to live another day. 
This is what made him feel a bigger purpose. As Jay thought about the way he felt 
about Lexi, he thought the same about you. He also found that there was beauty in the 
struggle but ugliness in the success. Although his pain lingered on his mind, you 
brought this new light to him. He couldn’t be like pops… That is all he thought about is 
his pops… How did he leave his family, just to give up on everyone. He was going to be 
different. He was going to hopefully make an impact to his child. Lexi had to stay in the 
hospital with the baby so that the doctors could check everything. Jay wasn’t going 
anywhere. He sat in the waiting room and picked up his journal: “They gon' ask me how I 
did this. I'm gon' do a humble stunt act like I meant this. That's the ego taking credit for 
what God made. Forget this novel, hey mama look what God made. I wanna cry, and I 
ain't even tryna fight it. Don't wanna die, cause now you're here and I just wanna be right 
by your side. On any night that you be cryin' baby, I dry your eyes, I dry your eyes. There 
is a God. Yeah, it is a God. I never felt so alive. She’s mine” 
 
Chapter 10: 4 Your Eyes Only 
 
“And my daughter gotta eat. Her mama be stressing me like I ain't the one who put them 
Jays on her feet. Like I ain't out in the field like that. I might be low for the moment but I 
will bounce back. Despite the charges, back to the wall, I fight regardless. Screaming, 
"F*** the law, " my life is lawless. That's what you call it. Ain't got to be no psychic to see 
this is like the farthest thing from heaven.This is hell and I don't mean that hyperbolic. I 
try to find employment even if it's wiping toilets But these felonies be making life the 
hardest. Resisting the temptation to run up and swipe a wallet. Or run up on your yard, 
snatch your daughter bike and pawn it.” Jay was one hella of a man. You are grown or at 
least in your teens when you have read this. If you are reading this, unfortunately means 
that Jay is no longer with you. At least in the physical, God has been a struggle but 
because you are alive it's making me think that the spiritual is real. My pops was killed 
too, so I know how apart of you feels. Maybe you hate me. Maybe you love me. Or 
maybe you are confused. Maybe you will find a boyfriend just like me. Well I hope not 
because Jay only did what he did because he had too. He was tired of dope spots. That 
wasn’t a true definition of a man. In any relevance, Jay’s pops was shot up and momma 
was addicted to that stuff. Granny raised him in the projects where he continued to fight 
with his little brother. By the age of 18, he was facing trial for his friend that died. 6 
years later was around the time that you came into this world. Jay said, “Me and Lexi 
was thinking, what the hell should we naming this girl? I told Lexi, Nina, the prettiest 
name that I can think of. For the prettiest thing my eyes had ever seen.” He did not want 
any of this to happen. He hopes you understand. See Nina, Jay realized that his 
definition of a real man was skewed. His views misshaped by the streets and he was 
convinced it was true. He thought everyone was out to get him. He thought only reason 
why people talked to him was because they were trying to take advantage of him. And 
many people were taking advantage of him. It was a cycle that was hard to get out of in 
the ville. Jay always said that, 
“My worst fear is one day that she comes home from school and see your Father face 
while hearing ‘tragedy on the news’. I always have a feeling that I am going to lose my 
life soon.” I was always confused when he told me that. The worst part Nina is that if 
you are reading this, that means it's true. But maybe there’s a chance that it’s not and 
this novel will remained locked like in a safe with valuable jewels. And he could teach 
you how to ride a bike, tie your own shoes, and even maybe cook.  
However, me and your daddy had a conversation, he said he had a funny feeling. I tried 
understand what he was saying but it wasn’t revealing. I heard the sense of panic in his 
voice and it brought me chills.  
“I’ve been knowing you since we were children. I never asked you for nothing because 
we got through this ourself. We always dealt with the repercussions of my actions and I 
knew you tried to get my away from that stuff. That was in my blood though. You know 
my life, we know my momma, send my love. In case I never get to speak again I won’t 
forget all the nights we laid in my room listening to our music.” 
I had to interject, “What are you talking about? Where are you getting at?” I told him 
confused.  
“Listen, I do not have time to dive into descriptions. Lets just say I have been having 
premonitions, let's call it from the other side. I got a feeling that I wont see tomorrow. 
Like the time I am living on right now is borrowed. At the end of the day, the only thing I 
was proud to say, is that I was a Father. Do me a favor. Write my story down and let my 
daughter read it when she’s ready.” Jay explained. Jay always wanted to go back to the 
name Jermaine and this is what I did. Go back to Jermaine. I dedicate these words to 
you honey. This perspective is a real one, another lost father. Now it is thirty years later 
and I am making sure that the story is told. The last thing your father wrote in his journal 
before you saw all this on the news…  
“Girl your daddy was a real man, not 'cos he was cold. Not because he was the first to 
get a girl twelve years old. Not because he used to come through in the Caddy on some 
vogues. Not because he went from bagging up them grams to serving O's. Nah your 
daddy was a real man, not 'cuz he was hard. Not because he lived a life of crime and sat 
behind some bars. Not because he screamed f*** the law, although that was true. Your 
daddy was a real man 'cuz he loved you" 
 
 
Truly for your eyes only,  
 
Jermaine…  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE END