Senior Capstone ℅ 2019

5-24-2019

Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development: An Autoethnography

Zayra Janeth Martinez

Los Angeles Leadership Academy HS, zayraa.martinezz2001@gmail.com
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 1

Senior Capstone ℅ 2019

Childhood trauma is a very sensitive, disturbing, and controversial subject. Experiencing

trauma at an early age, drags subjects, haunting them for the remainder of their lives. In order to

learn more about this topic and how it affects females who experienced childhood trauma, it is

important to conduct ongoing research in order to aid those who are affected. Research indicates

there are academic, socioemotional, and long term issues that interfere with the brain

development of children after a traumatic event is exposed. This essay was written to explore

the long term side effects associated with the abuse and trauma that affects females and their

adolescent development.

Keywords: ​PTSD, trauma, revictimization

Acknowledgements

After years of keeping quiet, this story has been written to drive readers through my life

changing experience. Out of the millions that have experienced child sexual abuse, this is just

one story. Therefore, I acknowledge those who can relate and those who listen. I wish you

happiness, I wish you peace.

Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 2

Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development: An

Autoethnography

Zayra Janeth Martinez

Los Angeles Leadership Academy HS, Los Angeles, California, USA

Childhood trauma is a very sensitive, disturbing, and controversial subject. Experiencing

trauma at an early age, drags subjects, haunting them for the remainder of their lives. In order

to learn more about this topic and how it affects females who experienced childhood trauma, it

is important to conduct ongoing research in order to aid those who are affected. Research

indicates there are academic, socioemotional, and long term issues that interfere with the brain

development of children after a traumatic event is exposed. This essay was written to explore

the long term side effects associated with the abuse and trauma that affects females and their

adolescent development.

The Incident

Easter day, 2010. Pink princess bag. Check. Bathing suit and towel. Check. Burgundy

Nintendo 3Ds and Cooking Mama game chip. Check. Extra clothes and hairbrush. Check. Small

Mcdonalds leftover fries. Check. “Bye mom I’ll see you later, I love you”. Could never forget.

As I walk away from my mother’s black 1997 Honda Civic, I stepped onto the dirt trail

that sat between two tall palm trees and high green grass. “Skip skip skip to my lou…” I sing as

I am joyfully skipping down the trail to ​that back house. When I was approaching the door, I

saw their Dad and Uncle on the side patio, getting the barbeque ready. With a big smile on my
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 3

face that emphasised my chubby cheeks, I eagerly stood on the tips of my toes and waved at

them before entering ​the ​house. Banda music was blasting through the speakers making it

difficult for me to feel welcomed, but I managed to make it through. Step by step, I make my

way through the living room, and then the kitchen. When the music would pause in between

words, I would hear my friends hysterical laughs. They were playing in the pool in the

backyard. Excitingly, I walked towards the backdoor, went down the short spiral copper colored

metal stairs and anxiously wanted to play with my two friends. As soon as I stepped onto the

first stone paver, I put my bag on a chair, took off my sandals, and continued following the

paver trail in order to avoid stepping into the pea gravel. Once I made it to the last stone paver, I

jumped into the pool with my two friends. We began playing Marco Polo, and then did fun

underwater competitions. Thirty minutes later. “I think we’re gonna go inside to shower Zayra,

we’re really cold.” As they both rush inside to shower, I stayed outside in the pool alone. As I

am playing, I see this tall thin shadow veiling over me. The dark blue pool water was reflecting

it. Immediately, I curiously turn around to see who it is. ​His bold gruffed teenage voice said,

“Why are you out here alone Zayra, it’s cold let’s go inside.” Without questioning anything, I

listened to ​him​. As I stood up out of the pool, a huge wind of coldness hit my skin, causing me

to rush to my towel and bag. Then, I hurried inside being completely oblivious to ​him following

me. “Thank you for telling me to come inside, I was bored out there”, I respond. “Yeah no

problem”, ​he​ replies.

As I wait for my friends to exit the restroom, I am sitting on the bed, cold and shivering

with my towel over me. ​He is leaning against a drawer in front of me, commenting about the

differences between both sex bodies, male and female. As ​his comments increased, I would grip
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 4

onto my towel tighter and tighter, creating creases in my fingers that slowly stopped the

circulation of blood to run through my fingertips. I was deeply confused as to why ​he is asking

and telling me all of this, but I remain sane... for about five minutes. In an intimidating gravel

voice ​he says, “Have you or do you know about the male body?” I was completely shocked by

the question ​he just asked me, but more so, the tone ​he said it in. I no longer wanted to be in this

room alone with ​him​, I was afraid.

My friends finally exited the restroom, and now it’s my turn to shower. “Don’t lock the

door, just in case we need to get something from in there”, ​he shares. While ​he was addressing

his “suggestion”, the uncle overhears and immediately questions why ​he ​is asking ​me this. ​He

adds “Well, while the other girls were showering, Mom went inside.” Despite what ​he said to

me a few moments ago, that specific sentence convinced me enough to not lock the door. I

thought I was safe...No, I am safe, but the thought of showering with the door unlocked, made

me sick to my stomach. I’m safe, remember, I’m okay.

I walk into the restroom, closed the door behind me, placed my bag next to the toilet,

and walked back to the door. As I am standing in front of the door, I am contemplating if I

should lock it or not. I pick up the chain; my brain was telling me to lock it, but my body did not

follow through.

I’m safe.

I’M safe.

I’M SAFE.

I let go of the chain and watched it swing. I did not lock the door.
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 5

I hung my bathing suit on a towel hook, turned on the water, and stepped into the

shower. The Suave Kids Smoothers Fairy Berry Strawberry Shampoo caught my eye. I pour a

good amount in my hand making sure I’m not overusing my friends shampoo. I lay the pink

shampoo on the front part of my head and then make my way through the very tips of my hair. I

then close my eyes, tilt my head back and start removing the shampoo. As I am removing the

shampoo from my hair and face, I glimpse a crack of light.

​He​ is standing right there.

Exposed.

I’m no longer the only one in this restroom.

Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 6

Figure 1. I​ ncident (Martinez, 2018)

Analysis

Introduction

As a child that has been exposed to sexual abuse at the age of nine, I thought I was

alone. As a high school senior, I now know that I am just ​one of the many that have experienced

such trauma. “​Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that

overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their

sense of self and their ability to feel the full range of emotions and experiences” (​Onderko​,

2018, par. 1). One in three females have been sexually abused, causing difficulties in

relationship building with others, and the world. On average, there are about 320,500 cases of

sexual abuse within adolescents in the U.S alone annually (Victims of Sexual Violence, 2019).

For example, the Cleveland Abduction story, the Brett Kavanaugh sexual misconduct

allegations, the published abuse cases that have been exposed to the media, the several cases
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 7

that are not acknowledged, and the incidents that are not shared with anyone, but themselves.

Personal stories are shared in order to appeal to the senses of those who are not mindful about

this serious issue. This all leads to media attractions and investments in educating individuals in

order to prevent further encounters.

After experiencing my trauma, I refused to stay in my classes. The guilt and shame took

over my body causing me to hide in the restroom stalls until the custodian would drag me back

to class. I refused to sit next to anyone, especially a male classmate. I would hardly go outside

to play during recess, I was detached. For the five years that I remained silent, I would punish

myself, and the punishments increased as the years went by.

At first, I would isolate myself from the world

to reminisce on what I could have done to

prevent what had happened. I so deeply

wanted to ease the excruciating pain I was

feeling, but I struggled in silence. My

depression soon took over my life leading to

​ epression (Martinez, 2018)

Figure 2. D the practice of life threatening actions. I became

so numb to what I experienced, or so I did ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to forget. I was

very ill; my body would deny food, causing me to throw up everything, I could not and would

not eat. I would go days without proper nutrition; I soon became anorexic. In order to hide this

from my family, I would dump my food in trash cans or place them back in pans and pots.

Eventually I got caught, so I then decided to cut, burn, and carve my skin, thinking no one

would ever find out. I wanted to die, I felt like a failure, I WAS EMBARRASSED.
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 8

Four years later, I was hospitalized on the verge of dying due to loss of blood, lack of

iron, and how weak I was. I experienced my epiphany that day, I was negatively impacted by

the sexual abuse I had experienced. My daily life was negatively affected academically,

mentally, socially, and physically.

Study of Focus

My research will consist of the long term effects female adolescents face after they have

experienced sexual abuse. The obstacles females face mentally, socially, and academically are

highlighted in this essay to educate those who may not know the struggles and setbacks of

sexual abuse and how it deeply impacts a female, and to answer a variety of questions regarding

this issue. Authors such as Penelope K. Trickett, and Sylvia Lungile Dlamini are used for

relevant information upon this research. From examining academic effects, mental health

disorders, and social effects on female adolescents that have experienced sexual trauma, it is

clear that traumatized females carry their trauma into adulthood and or throughout their life.

Academic Effects

School alone is a struggle for everyone. Meeting deadlines, participation, focus,

homework and classwork, exams, and essays can either affect a student positively or negatively.

After a female adolescent experiences sexual abuse, her performance, focus, and completion in

academics, are negatively impacted.

By cause of sexual trauma, abused females establish a negative emotion towards school

leading to poor performance and focus. For example, participation becomes challenging by

reason of embarrassment, shame, loss of interest, and flashbacks that constantly haunt a student

(Dlamini, 2017). Learner competence is then delayed by reason of being dragged through
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 9

personal trauma causing an inability to concentrate (Trickett, 2011). Signs of irregular attentive

skills start to light a month after traumatic experience and emerge over time.

Taken together, these results suggest that the experience of childhood sexual abuse is a

substantial risk factor for the cognitive maldevelopment and academic

underachievement. ... Childhood is a critical period when rapid and dramatic maturation

of the brain occurs and thus any assault, such as the chronic stress associated with

childhood sexual abuse, during this critical period has the potential to permanently

disrupt neuropsychological development ​on adolescents [​ emphasis added]. (Trickett,

2011, par. 45)

Thus, abused females experience setbacks academically by virtue of attempting to battle

through their trauma and finding a balance in their academics.

School avoidance behaviors can be common in all grade levels for many different

reasons, one of them being sexual abuse. Adolescents refuse to talk about their trauma thinking

that counselling will open deep wounds rather than assisting their healing process (Dlamini,

2017). Without the proper family and school support, an abused learner cannot feel free

(Dlamini, 2017). This occurs when the painful thoughts and flashbacks of trauma are over

thought when a learner is trying to pay attention to school work. School work is then

incomplete, neglected, and effortless for the reason that communicating emotions is a struggle.

As follows, emotions such as being fearful, frustrated, lazy, and stupid, are pushed aside until

noticed by the actions of an abused student (Dlamini, 2017).

Trickett (2011, par. 43) states, “On average, the comparison group reported some

college education, whereas the abused group reported graduating high school as their highest
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 10

achievement”. Child chronic stress levels create academic underachievement being that abused

students prioritize trying to make sense of their trauma, rather than school work. This causes

females to become oblivious to the holes they create academically that affect their education

(Trickett, 2011). Therefore, abused females suffer academically due to incident flashbacks that

is distracting creating irregular levels of stress affecting completion.

Social Effects

Although there are numerous individuals that can experience similar social effects, no

one will ever fully understand one’s struggle. Issues in substance abuse, trust issues, and

relationship difficulties are exposed after trauma takes place affecting a female’s social skills.

Substances are abused by adolescents as a coping method to help them through their

trauma. “In fact, some studies report that sexual abuse victims are 13 times more likely to abuse

alcohol and 26 times more likely to abuse drugs than those who have not been sexually abused”

(MindWise, 2019, par. 1). When intoxicated, females are either punishing themselves or trying

to escape from their reality. Shame and lack of trust, are the main reasons as to why an

adolescent feels like they should use substances (Winter, 2017). Intoxication trains the body, to

train the brain, that substances will ease the pain (Lohmann, 2017). Thus, a female is socially

affected causing her to hide behind an intoxicated persona.

“I’m safe.” A child is usually abused by those they least expect, depend on, care for, and

or trust, and are abused in places they thought were secure. Winter (2017) states that devastating

damage occurs in an adolescents ability to trust others; usually towards the sex of their abuser.

This is crucial in childhood; once affected by abuse, a child will prospect the world as a

negative causing them to be at risk of becoming abusers themselves (Dlamini, 2017). Children
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 11

develop these risky attitudes because they observe those around them for various life lessons in

order to model behaved behavior, but they are failed by their abuser. Moreover, there are many

forms of sexual abuse. For example, it can be talked into, forced [with or without substances],

exchanged for money, drugs, food, or shelter (Childhood sexual abuse, 2013).

After an adolescent experiences sexual abuse, they are two times as likely to be

re-victimized as adults. Once the trauma is again exposed in adulthood, red flags tend to be

ignored as the feeling of responsibility is prioritized, increasing the risk of being taken

advantage of. High risks of domestic violence, abusing their own children [family violence],

teenage pregnancies, emotional deprivation, inappropriate/risky sexual behaviors, and alcohol

problems are later seen due to the exposure of child abuse (Trickett, 2011). In that, it leaves an

adult questioning: “Why is this happening again?” When a child is abused, it is common for that

child to feel at fault; therefore, revictimization creates an overall finalized feeling of

responsibility in adulthood: “It is me, I am at fault.” In situations like such, a female feels

helpless; not in control of her life and body. Dr. Hedrick, a child psychiatrist stated in a Youtube

video,

Whenever someone is faced with a major trauma, they have the fight, flight, or freeze

response. They will either fight their way out of it, run away from it, or freeze. And

especially if there’s been an accumulated trauma in the past then one of the more likely

option will be to freeze. (13 Reasons Why, 2017)

Revictimization exposes the effects of past and present trauma.

Relationships can either be blessings or lessons. Due to issues in substance usage, trust,

and revictimization, self esteem is then affected causing an adolescent to lose confidence in
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 12

their ability to love (Mullen, 1998). Abused adolescents carry a high rate of emotional and

physical issues when they are exploring the concept of love, in which they can develop

vulnerability (Mullen, 1998). Although they are very vulnerable, they rate their partner with low

care and concern because their competence of communication lacks. Thus, the inability to

communicate their trauma with their significant other leaves a huge gap leading to separation.

Mental Health Disorders

Through the course of time, mental illnesses have always been present due to different

factors and causes. Being suicidal, and having PTSD, are common mental health disorders that

correlate with sexual trauma.

The main mental disorder that is associated with sexual abuse is

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; a developed disorder caused by

horrifying trauma a child lives through and or witnesses without

being in control of the situation (Eggshell Therapy & Coaching

for the Emotionally Intense, n.d). PTSD is triggered once a

​ ompare (Martinez, 2018) traumatic event occurs causing severe nightmares,

Figure 3. C

flashbacks, and anxiety that cannot be controlled. PTSD cannot be medically treated, and cannot

be cured. This constant negative behavior develops other severe mental health issues such as,

suicidal thoughts and actions, anxiety, anger, being bipolar, and an identity crisis (Trickett,

2011). Therefore, PTSD is the root factor of other mental illnesses.

Suicidal actions and thoughts can be triggered by past or present trauma. Although self harm

can and leads to death, abused adolescents use it as a way to cope due to difficulties in
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 13

understanding their own thoughts and emotions (Childhood Sexual Abuse, 2013). Dave Pelzer,

author of ​A Child Called “It”,​ provides his readers with his personal incident of wanting to

commit suicide due to his child abuse (1995). The

constant hatred and neglect his family targeted

him with throughout his childhood, lead to him

being harmful towards himself. Though, the

strength he found within his abuse, overshadowed

his suicidal thoughts. When an adolescent

displays such behavior, they will isolate

​ elf Harm (Martinez, 2018).

Figure 4. S themselves from the world, begin to detach

themselves from personal belongings, and develop uncontrollable emotions. Therefore, suicidal

thoughts and actions affect an adolescents mental health causing difficulties in their daily lives.

Opinion

Sexual trauma is more than a story of survival, it is about strength and changing our

tragedy into triumph. It is important that we bring awareness and comfort to those who feel a

deep sense of loneliness after their trauma. Growing up, I remained silent and hid my

experience in order to suppress it, but I was and remain affected academically, socially and

mentally.

Academically, I am a good student, but I tend to struggle through all of my assignments.

Yes I receive good grades, yes “i am smart” however, I work my ass off compared to those who

put minimal effort, just so I can acquire the same amount of points as them. In elementary, I

struggled remarkably because I was so in denial of my incident. I cannot blame my teachers and
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 14

classmates being that NO ONE KNEW ABOUT MY ABUSE, but since no one questioned my

triggers, I developed a deep feeling of frustration. I soon came down to the conclusion that I

was alone; I hated school.

Prior to my abuse, I was so fucking happy. My worries consisted of falling from monkey

bars, my Nintendo 3Ds being dead, wondering if my friends were home, not finishing my

homework, minimal irrelevant shit that is common in childhood. I never worried about locking

a damn restroom door, having terrifying nightmares/insomnia, having severe anxiety and panic

attacks, being suicidal, not being able to trust others, and especially, CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.

My coping methods consisted of suicidal thoughts, self harm, starving myself, and substance

usage. I fear to shower with an unlocked door, closing my eyes in the shower, sexual

encounters, Easter, and ​him.

Yes, as the research states, I am one of the many children that have been revictimized. I

fell in love with a masochist that enjoyed seeing me in pain. My pain satisfied him so much, he

loved being in control; karma hit him like a motherfucker tho.

Although I have been diagnosed with PTSD, I refuse to let that get in my way.

Persevering through trauma strengthens an individual’s ability to grow and aid others who may

be experiencing similar traumatic incidents in their own lives. The incidents do not define one’s

character, identity, or future goals. It is through adversity that we rise and become triumphant,

not only through the trauma but life. PTSD is the root factor of many disorders: Depression,

anxiety, anger, guilt, helplessness, and shock. “It’s all in your head,” literally, my triggers are all

in my head, I overthink everything and it CANNOT be controlled, it is normal. It’s so easy for

someone to tell me “just get over it” IF IT WERE THAT EASY I WOULD. Overall, my
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 15

anxiety is triggered because of what happened, not about what is happening, it’s not about me

worrying.. it’s about me REMEMBERING.

Conclusion

After analyzing the academic effects, social effects, and mental health disorders females

experience after sexual trauma, it is evident that females are affected throughout their lives. A

female’s academic abilities are overshadowed by intense flashbacks they try fighting, but sadly

they fail or feel like they failed because their trauma is haunting. In order to avoid this, speaking

about their trauma, aids them through their education. Socially, a female can suffer from

substances, trust issues, and being revictimized later on, leading to high risks of hiding and

being taken advantage of. Thus, treatment and support programs should be encouraged if early

signs of addiction and conflict emerge. Mentally, abused females must know that they are not

alone, holding everything in is unhealthy, and being in denial won’t make the pain go away. So,

counselling should be provided so trauma can be talked about in order to release excruciating

pain.

Therefore, I have shared my story to appeal to the sense of emotion of those who are

not aware of students and children that have been affected by individuals they thought they

could trust. I was abused by my former best friends brother, and I have yet to seek my justice.
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 16

Additional

On February 15, 2017, I gave the Hollenbeck Police Station my statement. For the past

two years, I felt like the justice system failed me. It wasn’t until May 20th, 2019 where I got a

call from Detective David saying that ​he ​has been hiding ever since I shared my incident. With

that being said, I have to testify in front of Samuel Arce, the person that changed my fucking

life. Once this all comes to play, ​his a​ rrest will be finalized.

I would like to thank my mom for never leaving my side and providing me with

unbelievable support, she’s my rock. Ms. Estrada for the endless words of wisdom that are

helping me cope through this chapter that is about to close, she is impeccable. Nyah, Eric, and

Liz for listening and being supportive throughout all of this, their support has me speechless.

Ms. Cupril for not only helping me, but my mom, her care never goes unnoticed. Finally, I

would like to thank Detective David for his hard work and dedication; none of this would be

possible if it wasn’t for him. My justice has been seeked.

Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 17

References

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Health Issue.” ​Here to Help​ Retrieved from

http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/childhood-sexual-abuse-a-mental-health-issue​.

Dlamini, L., & Makondo, D. (2017). ​Effects of Child Abuse on the Academic Performance of

Primary School Learners in the Manzini Region, Swaziland.​ ​Sciedu Press R

​ etrieved

from ​http://www.sciedupress.com/journal/index.php/wje/article/view/12445/7707​.

Eggshell Therapy & Coaching for the Emotionally Intense (n.d). “Eggshell Therapy &

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https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/​.

Lohmann, R. C. (2017). “Sexual Trauma and Addiction: Understanding Child Sexual Abuse

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https://www.rehabs.com/pro-talk-articles/sexual-trauma-and-addiction-understanding-ch

ild-sexual-abuse-and-drug-use/​.

Martinez, Z. (2018). AP Art Portfolio.

MindWise Innovations (2019). “The Connection Between Sexual Assault and Substance

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https://www.mindwise.org/blog/college/the-connection-between-sexual-assault-and-subs

tance-abuse/.

Mullen, P. E., & Fleming, J. (1998). “Long-term effects of child sexual abuse.” ​Australian

Institute of Family Studies​ Retrieved from

https://aifs.gov.au/cfca/publications/long-term-effects-child-sexual-abuse-1998​.
Sexual Abuse Impact On Female Development Martinez 18

Netflix. (2017, May 3rd). “13 Reasons Why | Beyond The Reasons [HD].” [Youtube].

Retrieved

from ​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry-TOaM2Kfk​.

Onderko, K. (2018). “What Is Trauma? - Definition, Symptoms, Responses, Types & Therapy.”

​ etrieved from
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https://integratedlistening.com/what-is-trauma/​.

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Rainn 25 Years (2019). “Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics.” ​Rainn​ Retrieved from

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence.

Trickett, P. K., Noll, J. G., & Putnam, F. W. (2011). The impact of sexual abuse on female

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