This is All of Us

This is All of Us

JACK
REBECCA
Young RANDALL
Marilyn
Clarence
Past
Marty McFly
Doc
RALPH EDWARDS
Rod Sterling

JACK and REBECCA enter, in mid-moment.

REBECCA
But, Jack, I just wanted to make you a
nice slow-cooked stew.

JACK
I don’t know, Rebecca, that crock pot
gives me the willies.

YOUNG RANDALL steps out.

YOUNG KEVIN
Dad, can I be free-spirited?

JACK
No, I forbid it, Young Randall!

Young Randall exits.

REBECCA
And that’s another thing, why do you
keep calling the kids Young Randall,
Young Kate and Young Kevin? Who’s old
Randall?

Jack stops to ponder that. Lights dim. Rebecca freezes.

MARILYN ENTERS.

MARILYN
I don’t know why you married her, she
doesn’t get it.

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This is All of Us

JACK
Get what, Mom? How you stood by and
let Dad---Wait a second, what are you
doing here?

MARILYN
I’m your mother, where should I be?

JACK
Am I having a flashback?

MARILYN
Could a flashback do this?

She slaps him.

JACK
Hey!

MARILYN
This isn’t a flashback. This is
backstory. And subtext.

JACK
So, I’ll be able to better address my
issues now?

MARILYN
Not really.

JACK
How does that help?

MARILYN
It always helped your brother.

JACK
Brother? I have a brother???

MARILYN
Of course. Didn’t you look in the
backseat of the car?

JACK
Now that you mention it, no, I never
did. Is that why everything is shot in
medium close-up?

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MARILYN
Yes. So we don’t see too much around
you in case we have to “re-visit” a
scene to introduce someone else. Look
behind you!

Jack spins around.

MARILYN
Psych! Nobody’s there.

Just then, Stumbling is heard. CLARENCE, an elderly, confused

guardian angel enters, tripping.

CLARENCE
Hello? Oh, oh, there you are. Jack,
Jack Pierson, right? Very good. Oh,
have you done something to your hair?

JACK
It depends, what year is this? Wait,
who are you? I’m in the middle of
something here with my mom--

CLARENCE
Oh, oh, sorry. I've been sent to help
you. I'm your guardian angel. The
name's Clarence, Clarence Oddbody.

JACK
Mom, who is this??

MARILYN
Beats me. Never saw him before. He
wasn’t in the pilot.

JACK
Well, neither were you.

MARILYN
Touché.

CLARENCE
I’m here to review your life, so you’ll
see how wonderful it is!

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST enters.

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MARILYN
Who are you?

PAST
I am the Ghost of Christmas Past!

JACK
Long past?

PAST
No, your past--Wait, who’s that?

CLARENCE
I'm Clarence. I'm Jack’s guardian
angel. Who are you?

JACK
You don’t get to ask who anyone is
until you tell us who you are!

PAST
You're not supposed to be here! I'm
working this gig!

MARILYN
Gig? Who the hell are you? This isn’t
your gig! This, this is…us!

PAST
Nobody talks to the ghost of Christmas
Past like that!

REBECCA
Is this our Christmas episode?

JACK
Wait, you’re here now? How can that
be?

REBECCA
Love can do anything.

MARILYN
Oh, brother.

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PAST
Okay, what we’ll be doing here is that
I will guide you through key parts of
your past—

MARILYN
Yeah, we’re on it.

CLARENCE
Oh, I've already seen all his past.

PAST
What?

MARILYN
Hey, hey, no spoilers!

CLARENCE
I've already seen all that. Joseph
briefed me; the triplets, Big Three,
the bad dad, the fire--

JACK
Fire?

Marilyn puts her hands over Jack’s ears. Rebecca does the same.

MARILYN
I said no spoilers!

PAST
(to Marilyn)
Will you be quiet!
(to Clarence)
I've got to show Jack his past so he'll
have a better understanding of his
present. We're trying to put his life
into perspective. And show him why his
kids are so screwed up.

CLARENCE
You know, I find that showing someone
what the world would be like if he'd
never been born is very effective.
Straightens 'em right out.

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MARILYN
And how many episodes do you think
you’ll be able to squeeze out of that
kind of moronic shock therapy?

PAST
No, we have a much more organic
realization of the cosmic whole our
way. Past, present, future. Also, way
more linear.

CLARENCE
Maybe, but if he sees his brother is
dead, because he wasn't around to save
him---

JACK
What? Dead? I just found out I had a
brother!

PAST
Yeah, well, don’t get too attached to
him. He’s very screwed up, too.

JACK
You keep saying that! Why does he keep
saying that?

CLARENCE
If you were never born, he'd be dead,
you know.

PAST
Will you stuff a stocking in it please!
Come on, Jack, we got places to go.

JACK
I’m not going anywhere until we get
this straightened out. I mean, all
this time jumping, what are we, “Lost”
without the plane crash???

Some noise is heard outside.

REBECCA
Now what?

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PAST
I have a schedule here, people. Other
ghosts are looking to leap ahead. Could
you all clear out?

MARILYN
Hey, hey, we do plenty leaping ahead on
our own!

CLARENCE
Look, Past, I was here first, so if
anyone's going to clear out---

PAST
I'm telling you, the only way to bring
him around is to review his life---

Vintage TV host RALPH EDWARDS enters with a book.

EDWARDS
That's right, and Jack Pierson, this is
your life!

JACK
I can't believe it!

MARILYN
This reference seems dated, even for
us.

CLARENCE
No, no, we're to review his life as if
it didn't happen, we alter the time
space continuum----

MARTY MCFLY and DOC burst in.

DOC
Jumping Jigawatts!

JACK
Who the hell are you?

MARILYN
Watch your mouth, Jack, this isn’t
cable!

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MARTY
I'm Marty McFly. Me and the Doc here
can take you back in our DeLorean time
machine, you can talk to yourself in
the past, avoid the whole Vietnam
thing, come back to the future and
everything will be fine.

DOC
Piece of cake.

CLARENCE
You can't do it like that!

EDWARDS
Remember this voice?

REBECCA
I remember the first time we kissed.
It was raining that day…

JACK
That’s Rebecca. She’s standing right
over there!

EDWARDS
Okay, how about this voice?

YOUNG RANDALL
Really? This is all you’re giving me
this week? I’m the best-loved
character on this show!

JACK
Not now, Young Randall!

YOUNG RANDALL
Sure, sure, just wait until I grow up
and start winning all those awards.
Then we’ll see.

JACK
Geez, why don’t we just throw a
reference to the show “Timeless” in
here as well?

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MARILYN
Yeah, nobody saw that one.

JACK
This is ridiculous. No one can keep up
with all this.

REBECCA
It is all so confusing. Why don’t we
all just sit down and have a nice plate
of stew? Who’s hungry?

They all say yes and exit to the kitchen.

ROD STERLING steps out.

ROD
Submitted for your approval; A suburban
couple, cuter than most, is trying to
work their way through the American
dream, with the pains and the joys we
call life. They’re goal is a happy
ending, something that may prove
difficult, for you see, The Piersons
are about to put their down payment on
a house that will cause everything to
break into…A Million Little Pieces.

MARILYN
Ripoff!!! Total ripoff!!!

Zone theme up, fade to black.

-END-