OIL IS WELL...

Sometimes, people ask me - for no reason. What do you think of the oil crisis?

I say there is no crisis. Why should there be? They walk away, as they normally do
after talking to me.

But I REALLY think there is no crisis, because we have paid too much of attention
to just one type of oil.

The world would have been a better place if we had paid a little more attention to
other types of oils.
Say, coconut oil, to begin with?

Coconut oil is used for strong hair. You must have seen ads that reflect the
sentiment, where a stuck truck is pulled out by a lady with oily hair. Do not
attempt this at home. The lady might drag you down a slippery slope, as she
normally does in an argument.

Coconut oil is also widely used in a wide variety of cuisine - Thai, Malay,
Indonesian, Singaporian (though they are all different names for the same cuisine)
and yes, well, cuisine from Goa, Kerala and places where they can't play cricket
and theresfore started playing football. The preparations are easy. All that the
chef does is dip his (pardon the gender bias, since most chefs are males) head in a
pot of hot water, and you have the base for most preparations. No need to worry if
you find hair in such food - they have been personally passed by the chef.

In fact, Aaj Tak (sab se tez - the fastest and the 'wrongest') reportedly reported
a girl who took oily cuisine too seriously. Finally a 6 inch diameter ball of hair
was removed from her stomach by surgery. "It was quite a hairy sight", said one of
the surgeons. They discovered different flavours of coconut oil in the ball -
Jasmine, Rose, Vinegar, earwax and even plain vanilla tender coconut. She also
seems to have had hair laced with Thanda-Thanda cool-cool Navaratan oil for
dessert.

Coconut oil is a cure for lice. Lice, as you know, make quite a lousy pet. They
make you scratch your head for solutions. Not such a big problem at a place like
TRDDC, where most people are scratching their heads. 1% pretending to think, 39 %
trully confused, and the rest doing it because it is one of the things that seem
fashionable to do in TRDDC. But in a normal place, scratching could be an
embarrassment.

The good news is that the lice find coconut oil to be quite a slippery customer. It
seems to give them no head-room. Most of them are left hanging by a hair. The same
coconut oil can be used for many types of lice! Did you know that there are several
types of lice? They have evolved to suit their environment. There are lice for
straight hair also called the expressway lice (you might have accidentally come
across them), for curly hair called the z-bridge lice, even for dense labyrinthine
hair called the budhwar peth lice. They just tend to get lost. Then there are
'metro lice' which only thrive under cover. Himmesh Reshammiya knows. Not nose.
Well, that too. I will refuse to be surprised if there is an undiscovered variety
of invisible lice which are specially adapted for bald heads. But, use coconut oil
and they would be out of your sight - again.

The largest source of Coconut oil is not coconuts but blue bottles. Most of them
are labelled parachute for some unknown reason. Some people have tried using a
coconut oil bottle as a parachute while sky-diving, following the clear
instructions on the bottle - 'PARACHUTE - twist head to open'. They were found with
twisted heads in the end, though unfortunately, none of them succeeded to tell us
the tales. But then, if you are in the habit of not succeeding in the first
attempt, sky-diving is not the sport for you. Try angry birds or go to England so
that you can keep playing despite crashing hard.

Of course, you need to consider the fact that in all these cases, the bottles were
found unopened. So, blame it not on the ineffectiveness of coconut oil, but the
inappropriate design of the bottles that makes it hard to open them while sky-
diving. Maybe they can provide openers. But then, openers around these days are not
entirely dependable. What did Sehwag do yesterday?.... Huh. Most problems are more
difficult than they are imagined to be.

Hey, but that does not mean there is crisis. In fact, for the last five to seven
minutes, we paid more attention to coconut oil rather than that other type of oil,
and we did not think of any crisis.

And that's why, I believe that coconut oil is the hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Especially if you use it to light lamps or something.

And that's why, I also believe, humorous speech comeptitions are held. So that we
can talk about utter nonsense, truly believe that there are no crises in the world,
don our Amir Khan persona, tap our chests and say 'oil izz well', 'oil izz well',
'oil izz well'....