BAGATELLE

Opéra-comique in one act

Music by Jacques Offenbach (1819-1880)

Book by Hector Crémieux and Ernest Blum
English version by Scott Gilmore

First performance: Paris, Théâtre des Bouffes-Parisiens, May 21, 1874

Characters

Bagatelle, a star singer at cafés-concerts

Finette, her personal maid

Pistache, Finette’s fiancé, a clarinetist

Georges de Planteville, a wealthy 18 year-old man-about-town

Sergeant*, of the gendarmerie

Gendarmes*

*characters added to the original version

The action takes place in Bagatelle’s Parisian apartment, in 1874.

Scene I (Finette, Pistache)

Scene II (Bagatelle, Finette)

Scene III (Bagatelle, Pistache, Georges)

Scene IV (Bagatelle)

Scene V (Bagatelle, Georges, Pistache)

Scene Va (Georges, Bagatelle, Sergeant, Gendarmes)

Scene Vb (Bagatelle, Georges, Pistache)

Scene Vc (Bagatelle, Georges, Pistache)

Scene VI (Bagatelle, Georges, Pistache, Finette)

A very elegant small boudoir. Entrance door unseen right, in back. Facing the public, a
balcony overlooking the boulevard. To its left, a walk-in closet, with an oeil-de-boeuf
above. Side doors. A portmanteau. A piano left. To the right, a fireplace with mantelpiece,
a chaise longue, a pedestal table with a lit lamp. Armchairs, one with a throw over it.
Chairs. To the right of the balcony, a little table with a wooden cabinet with drawers atop.

SCENE I
(FINETTE, PISTACHE)

(The doorbell rings.)

FINETTE, in an armchair, waking up.

Ah! Madame is home. (She goes to open the entrance door, disappearing for a
moment, then comes back followed by PISTACHE.) Ah! Monsieur Pistache, you, here!

PISTACHE, in his left hand he holds a bouquet behind his back, in his right he holds his
clarinet.

Eh bien! Where’s the harm? Am I not permitted to come see my sweetheart?

FINETTE

At this late hour! Madame will soon be coming home and you well know that she forbids
me to entertain any kind of lover!

PISTACHE

Because she wants to keep them all for herself?

FINETTE

Scandalmonger!

PISTACHE, showing her the bouquet.

Proof is this bouquet that your concierge asked me to bring up. (Looking at it.) You can’t
tell me it’s her aunt sending her flowers…

FINETTE

And here I was thinking that it was a bit of gallantry on your part for your little Finette.
(She puts the bouquet on the piano.)

PISTACHE
On my musician’s pay I can’t even afford forget-me-nots.

FINETTE, looking at the bouquet.

There’s a card. (Reading the card.) “Georges de Planteville.” Don’t know him.

PISTACHE

Must be a new one.

FINETTE, defensively.

Mademoiselle Bagatelle has many admirers; she’s an attractive woman. (She puts the
card in a vase on the mantelpiece.)

PISTACHE

And furthermore, she’s a star at the cafés-concerts. When I have the night off, I often go
to hear her. I stand in the wings, as a fellow artiste. She has quite the temperament.

FINETTE

Really? Well, I suppose I could convey to her your opinion – as being that of a fellow
artiste, of course.

PISTACHE

I am proud to be an artiste! I have only two passions in life – at least they’re honest
ones.

COUPLETS
(PISTACHE)

I
Like all men who are poetic,
I believe in noble things.
Heart and soul are sympathetic
To the love that music brings.
Some see at work naughty Cupid,
Others see the hand of Fate.
But that to me seems so stupid,
And I give it to you straight:
O Finette!
I love you and my clarinette!*
*pronounced à la française

II
When I really feel inspired
I attempt a special note.
But if I’m feeling really tired,
I completely miss the boat.
That highest fa – there’s no telling –
Pumps my blood with ooh-la-la!
I think of you and say, mam’zelle,
Your heart is my highest fa.
O Finette,
The highest fa of my clarinette!

FINETTE, tidying up some of Bagatelle’s things.

Such gallantry, Monsieur Pistache!

PISTACHE

I dream about that high fa. In fact, I’ve caught myself sleepwalking while trying to play
my clarinet.

FINETTE, flirting with him, having picked up one of Bagatelle’s long gloves and a pair of
little boots.

You need to find a cure for that, Monsieur Pistache. Once upon a time, lovers prized a
lady’s glove over a clarinet.

COUPLETS added from “La vie parisienne”

(FINETTE)

Long ago more than one lover loved his love

So much that he would dare to steal her glove.
Quick as lightning he would take and hide his prey
And with his kisses he would have his way.
Like a dragon guarding gold he held his hold;
He would caress it with caresses bold.
When l’amour had disappeared he shed a tear but her dear glove
Remained as souvenir.

And much later on he found

It when the days of love had ended,
Lying underneath some bound-
Together letters, old and faded.
Once upon a time our gloves
Were kept as souvenirs of beauties.
Nowadays our good old loves
Can also keep our dainty booties.

And so later on our lovers as old men,

When filling up an old armoire, will then
Dream about and try to name a dear old flame,
And as they see the booties, they’ll exclaim:
“These ones here, that was Madame Paméla de Sandoval;
To her I gave my soul
For a night in Carnaval.
Those ones there, that was Denise,
Little scamp with long blond hair.
The Comtesse
And the Marquise –
Here they are, a perfect pair.
It’s our past – what joys untold
These booties bring to a heart grown cold.”

Eh voilà! monsieur, you see the pow’r of love

Makes all things sacred, old boot and old glove.

PISTACHE

Oh ma petite Finette! I have a Babylonian proposition for you.

FINETTE

For me?

PISTACHE

Voilà! There’s a midnight ball tonight at the dance hall where I usually play in the
orchestra. But I got my boss to find a replacement for me, so that for once, after having
played so others can dance, I can finally dance myself. I want to take you with me.

FINETTE

Tonight? But Madame will be here at any minute.

PISTACHE

Ten minutes to help her undress, see that she’s tucked into bed – and in a quarter of an
hour you’ll be waiting for me at my door, as I have to change…
FINETTE

But… (She’s cut off by the ringing of the doorbell.)

FINETTE

It’s Mademoiselle Bagatelle! Quick – she mustn’t find you here! Go out by the service
entrance – you know the way?

PISTACHE

No! This is the first time I’ve been here.

FINETTE, unlocking the little door to the left, leaving it unlocked.

Follow the corridor… then take a left… then a right… then straight ahead… then left and
another right… there’s a gas nozzle in front of the kitchen door… Go! She’s waiting for
me!

PISTACHE, exiting through the door.

“Finette and my clarinette” – nothing but these two!

FINETTE, disappearing at the back as she goes to let in Bagatelle.

Oh! mon Dieu!

SCENE II
(BAGATELLE, FINETTE)

(BAGATELLE enters from the back, her arms full of floral bouquets. FINETTE follows.)

BAGATELLE

Finette! Quickly! Help me with these!

FINETTE, taking the flowers.

Ah! mon Dieu, Madame – so many bouquets! It’s like the flower market!

BAGATELLE

And all this is the harvest of an artiste who has just been booed.
FINETTE

Booed?!

BAGATELLE

Yes, booed. Moi, Bagatelle… their idol… and I’m still not certain that they didn’t also
throw rotten vegetables.

FINETTE, helping BAGATELLE take off her hat, cloak, gloves, jewelry and boots,
helping her on with her slippers.

Ah! mon Dieu! Whatever is Madame saying?

BAGATELLE

Just imagine. I’d already noticed during my first song that there were four young men
right in the front row making faces at me.

FINETTE

The brutes!

BAGATELLE

I launched into my second number and noticed this charming quartet starting to cause
trouble. Not content with simply making faces at me, they started scraping their chairs,
coughing and blowing their noses, trumpeting like elephants and waving their
handkerchiefs for all to see like flags on Quatorze Juillet!

FINETTE

Villains!

BAGATELLE, re-enacting the scene.

One young devil bows and some woman – no doubt, one of my “friends” – throws him a
bouquet.

FINETTE

Oh, Madame…

BAGATELLE
Then the battle really begins between the audience in the hall and myself on the stage. I
can hardly hear the orchestra with all the pandemonium. And then I hear that
unmistakable sound, timid at first, (Bagatelle claps, illustrating her account), but growing
louder – eight times…

FINETTE

Applause for Madame!

BAGATELLE

Actually, it was the sound of eight cheeks being slapped. Some young man I couldn’t
see had slapped the eight cheeks of the four hooligans. The police hustled the four off
to the police station, but I never saw who was my knight in shining armor. (Returning to
the re-enactment.) Now cries of “Vive Bagatelle!” ring out – in short, I have to encore my
entire number, and at the end, I am both buried and resurrected underneath an
avalanche of flowers.

FINETTE, applauding Bagatelle.

Brava, Madame! But not to know to whom you owe all that... Madame must be very
tired and ready to fall into bed.

BAGATELLE

I’m afraid I won’t be able to fall asleep. After all is said and done, I was still booed…

FINETTE

Then, if Madame has no further need of me, I have a headache and…

BAGATELLE

That’s fine. Don’t worry about me. I shall undress and tuck myself in. And leave the
balcony doors open – it’s rather warm tonight.

FINETTE

Merci, Madame. (Aside) Hopefully, Monsieur Pistache will still be waiting for me.
(Aloud) Bonsoir, Madame. (She exits by the entrance at back.)

BAGATELLE

Bonsoir, Finette.
 SCENE III
(BAGATELLE, PISTACHE, GEORGES)

No 1 bis Récit.
(BAGATELLE)

I’d really like to know just who was that young man…
Find out if he’s a lord
And his name, if I can.

(Before the forte chord) Oh! Bagatelle, stop dreaming! (After chord) It’s time to go to
bed. (She takes the lamp and exits right. Darkness.)

PISTACHE, entering from the door through which he’d left, groping in the dark.

I couldn’t find the gas nozzle… Crazy apartment… (Calling out in a low voice.) Psst!
Finette! It’s me, Pistache! I got lost… Finette!

(He finds himself next to the door through which Bagatelle left. She enters with the
lamp. Pistache, nearly hit by its opening, hides behind the door. Light once again.)

BAGATELLE, in a peignoir and fichu.

No, I can’t go to bed, I’m too restless. Work – that will calm me down. (She sits at the
piano, taking up a manuscript.)

PISTACHE, aside.

But Finette’s waiting for me. This way! (He disappears through the door out of which
BAGATELLE has come.)

BAGATELLE

It’s so hard to know the effect this new song will have without trying it out on someone…
(She gets ready to sing but stops, listening.) It sounds as if someone’s outside! It must
be the wind… (She hums but stops, frightened.) But no – someone is clambering up to
my balcony… (Calling out) Who’s there?

(GEORGES hurtles into the room, having clambered up onto the balcony. BAGATELLE
screams.)

GEORGES

Rest assured, Madame: I am not a thief.

BAGATELLE
Well then, what are you?

GEORGES

Since I am not a thief and since I’ve arrived by this path, I can only be a… a…

BAGATELLE

A… what? Speak!

GEORGES

A lover!

BAGATELLE

A lover… (Aside) I prefer that. (Going up to GEORGES) Eh bien, Monsieur, you may
leave – through the door.

GEORGES (aside)

Leave! I who, in coming through the balcony, counted on striking her imagination!

BAGATELLE

Eh bien?

GEORGES

Ah! Madame, if you only knew how much I love you!

BAGATELLE

You may tell me that another time, in broad daylight, and when you’ve entered my home
other than through the balcony.

GEORGES

(Aside) To leave like this, without… she has no imagination! (Aloud) Madame, why do
you throw me out without knowing what I’ve come to ask you for?

BAGATELLE

And for just what have you come to ask me?

GEORGES

For your friendship.

BAGATELLE, bursting into laughter

My friendship… by the balcony… at this hour… Listen, my dear young man, you seem
to be both naïve and… somewhat interesting. Therefore, I shall give you some good
advice: never ask a woman for her friendship.

GEORGES

Why?

BAGATELLE

Because it’s an old trick we women know all too well. Shall I tell you what happens with
such friendships?

GEORGES

Yes, please, Madame!

No 2 RONDO DE L’AMITIE
(BAGATELLE)

I
He’s a youngster and she’s a beauty;
They decided to buck the trend,
Sharing, out of a sense of duty,
All the benefits of a friend.

II
Should some ill-behaved crowd disgrace her,
On his comforts she can depend:
He opens his arms to embrace her
With the benefits of a friend.

III
In the same way the intoxication
Of a happiness without end
Is a pretty good indication
Of the benefits of a friend.

IV
If your senses with joy are reeling
And your passions all things transcend,
With what should you share all you’re feeling?
With the benefits of a friend.

V
Groping in the dark, agitated,
On each other’s their lives depend,
Climbing up to the sky elated – ha!
Ha! The benefits of a friend!

GEORGES

Madame! I swear I didn’t mean anything like that! If you’d only grant me five minutes…

BAGATELLE

No, it is late. Let’s go, Monsieur – I’ll light the way.

GEORGES

I’ll find the way myself. To be chased out by you would be too painful. (Aside) And I’d
counted on her imagination!

BAGATELLE

Please don’t make too much noise – the concierge…

GEORGES, sadly.

Bonsoir, Madame!

BAGATELLE

Bonsoir, Monsieur.

(GEORGES exits out back.)

SCENE IV
(BAGATELLE)

BAGATELLE, alone, putting the lamp on the piano.

How do you like these young men nowadays? Scrambling into your home through the
balcony, they offer you l’amour on a platter, expecting more… There is no more
innocence, I swear. (She hears the outside door to her building close.) There he goes!
Let’s see what sort of face he’s making as he leaves. (She goes out onto the balcony to
look down into the street.)

SCENE V
(PISTACHE, BAGATELLE, GEORGES)

PISTACHE, coming out of BAGATELLE’S room on the right.

Ah! mon Dieu! Here I am in the same spot. What kind of apartment is this? Ah! there
she is on her balcony. (Recognizing the door through which he entered in the first
scene.) Aha! the door to the gas nozzle! (He crosses the stage and disappears left.)

BAGATELLE, still on the balcony looking down into the street.

Wherever is he?

GEORGES, coming back in from where he’d left, holding his shoes in his hands, hangs
his hat on the portmanteau.

Eh bien, no, no, I will not go. (He sits in an armchair on the right and puts his shoes
back on, talking to himself.) What are you afraid of? Imbecile! Come now, you must
speak to her. But first, I’ll lock us in. (He locks all the doors, puts the keys in his
waistcoat, and sits back down in the armchair.) No, one cannot be timid with women.

BAGATELLE, entering from the balcony.

Nowhere in sight. Where the devil could he have gone? (Sees GEORGES.) You! What
are you still doing here?

GEORGES, nonchalantly.

I’ve locked us in.

BAGATELLE

Locked us in?! Ah! par exemple! (She runs to check the doors.)

PISTACHE, opening his door while BAGATELLE is examining the other doors.

No gas nozzle there… (Sees GEORGES.) Ah! that’s good – a man’s here. Naughty
boy! (He disappears back through the door.)

BAGATELLE

It’s true – the little joker has locked us in and taken all my keys. (To GEORGES.) My
keys, monsieur, give me back my keys this instant!
 No 3 DUO DE LA PINCETTE
(BAGATELLE, GEORGES)

BAGATELLE GEORGES

Don’t be so irritating. It’s really worth your waiting.

My keys now, if you please. Calm down now, if you please.
My keys! No hesitating! I’m keeping – no debating –
My keys, if you please! Your keys, please calm down!

BAGATELLE

Cher monsieur, can you tell me,

Wherever have you hid my keys?

GEORGES

Chère madame, I shall not tell you.

You must hunt to find your keys!

BAGATELLE GEORGES

Don’t be so irritating, etc. It’s really worth your waiting, etc.

BAGATELLE

Eh bien, monsieur, again I ask you:

My keys, give them to me.

GEORGES

Do you not know the game of “Hide and Seek?”

BAGATELLE, exasperated.

The game of Hide and Seek!

GEORGES

Yes, the game of Hide and Seek.

‘Pon my word, it’s the game with the simplest of rules ever heard.

BAGATELLE
‘Pon your word?

GEORGES

‘Pon my word!

BAGATELLE

“Pon my word,
Playing games now is really absurd.

GEORGES

And now I shall teach you how to play.

The rules and regulations

Are easy to explain.
Avoiding complications
I’ll keep it neat and plain.
Whoever is the seeker
Must find the hidden thing,
And whether strong or weaker
The hider has to sing.
To find the thing you’re yearning,
So if you’re close, “touché!”
I shout “you’re burning! burning!”
And I sing out forté.*

BAGATELLE

So if I’m close I’m burning?

GEORGES

So if you’re close you’re burning

And I shout out forté.*

BAGATELLE

You’ll shout out forté.*

GEORGES

But if, in spite of teasing,

You search too high, too low,
I shout “you’re freezing! freezing!”
And I whisper pianó.*

BAGATELLE

So if I’m too high, too low

I’m freezing?

GEORGES

So if you’re too high, too low

You’re freezing
And I whisper pianó.*

BAGATELLE

You’ll whisper piano.*

GEORGES

Forté, fortissimó,*
Pianó, pianissimó.*

*these musical terms to be pronounced à la française

BAGATELLE, aside.

What a cunning little devil!

Wherever has he hid them?

GEORGES

On your mark, get ready, go!

BAGATELLE, going to the little cabinet.

Let’s look inside this drawer.

GEORGES

Pianó.

BAGATELLE

This is most displeasing.

GEORGES
You’re freezing!

BAGATELLE

They could have fallen on the floor…

No… that would have been too easy…

GEORGES

You’re freezing!

BAGATELLE

Perhaps my portmanteau…

GEORGES

Crescendó!

BAGATELLE, going to the armchair with a throw on which GEORGES is sitting.

My stomach’s really churning!

GEORGES

Forté! Fortissimó!

BAGATELLE

Ha! there, underneath my throw.

GEORGES

You’re burning!

BAGATELLE, starting to move away, not having found the keys.

No! No! I swear I’ll be the winner.

GEORGES

Pianó, pianó! you are just a rank beginner.

BAGATELLE
Mon Dieu! I’m burning!

GEORGES

Pianó, pianissimó.
You’re freezing, freezing.

BAGATELLE, furious.

My keys – where are they? Tell me!

GEORGES

Here, here upon my heart so tender

End this game of Hide and Seek.

BAGATELLE

You must now to me surrender,

End this game of Hide and Seek!

GEORGES

No! my heart is their defender.

On we go with Hide and Seek!

Reprise of opening ensemble

PISTACHE, re-opening his door.

So now they’re playing Hide and Seek. I’ll hide! (He hides behind the piano.)

GEORGES

Do you surrender, Madame? (BAGATELLE defiantly stares at him.) Eh bien, then no

one will have them! (He runs onto the balcony and throws the keys off into the street
below.)

BAGATELLE

My keys! Off the balcony! Into the street!

PISTACHE, aside.
Naughty boy! That’s all we needed… (Seeing the closet door and going into it.) Another
door!

BAGATELLE

Monsieur, this surpasses all limits. What you have just done is…

GEORGES, sitting in an armchair right.

Abominable! I know it, but I believe that with you, one has to be abominable. You think
that at my age I know nothing about life. But, Madame, I’ll have you know that I have a
mistress!

BAGATELLE

Eh bien! all the more reason to leave me in peace. (She turns her back on him and goes
to sit at the piano.)

GEORGES

I’ve already had adventures, Madame. Let me tell you about the other evening and
you’ll see that I’m a good-natured fellow without illusions. I know women and I don’t ask
more of them than they can give.

No 4 RONDO
(GEORGES)

A country tryst – it sounds so nice.

My crazy mistress swore she’d meet me.
There I went and waited discretely;
I kept the best champagne on ice.
An hour went by, and tired of waiting,
Impatience got the better of me,
So no more procrastinating:
I took the bus back to Paree.

Re-enacting.

I’m starting out all full of joy,

Get back to town around elev’n,
And run straight to the door to Heav’n
To announce “I’m here, your darling boy!”

At first I ring the bell politely

But no one’s answering my call.
Could it really be that all night she’ll
Leave me standing in the hall?

But then the door opens and a voice

Cries out to me with deep emotion:
“Who is there?” “‘Who’s there?!’ what a notion,
As if you had another choice!”

This is the response: on my lips

A finger warns me not to shout
While with her other fingertips
Madame Tartuffe escorts me out.

This pantomime show is not nice;

It does appear my place is taken.
By this discov’ry I am shaken,
I descend from my paradise.

There are men who would make a fuss,

Cry out loudly, screaming “not again!”
But as for me, I take the city bus
Home to Neuilly-sur-Seine.

(Spoken.) The bus from Suresnes. It runs until one o’clock in the morning.

On top I calmly take a seat.

My spirit refreshed by the rainfall,
‘Though sopping wet I begin to explain all
As I travel along the street.

What is the moral of this story,

Of my adventurous foray?
Am I the one who’s covered in glory,
Or am I the one who was betrayed?

If all my hopes went down the drain,

At least I take some consolation
As I state with this proclamation:
“When you’re to blame, you can’t complain!”

BAGATELLE

Eh bien! you’re not very demanding, are you? And that even seems to give you
pleasure.
GEORGES

But of course! A man and a woman hide from me for fear I shall surprise them; not bad
for an eighteen year old! It’s flattering. Because, madame, a man is not a man until he
has been betrayed. Now, returning to our love…

BAGATELLE, interrupting him.

Mon cher petit monsieur, seeing as the best jokes are always the shortest ones, it is
time for this one to end.

GEORGES, defiantly.

Madame, I know how to speak to ladies of the theater. I am Georges de Planteville. I

am eighteen years old and I am rich!

BAGATELLE, brandishing a whip.

Eh bien! mon petit Planteville, you will see how ladies of the theater respond on
occasion.

GEORGES, frightened, aside.

Perhaps I went a little too far?

BAGATELLE, indicating the balcony.

Go this instant to fetch my keys by the same way you came.

GEORGES

By the balcony? But I could break something!

BAGATELLE

You didn’t break anything on the way up, so why should you on the way down? (She
menaces him with the whip and GEORGES starts to climb out the balcony.)

GEORGES

Madame!

BAGATELLE

Monsieur!
GEORGES

The gendarmes! They’ve seen me!

SCENE Va
(SERGEANT, GEORGES, BAGATELLE, GENDARMES)

SERGEANT, off.

Hey! you there! Just what do you think you’re doing?

GEORGES

Me?... I…

SERGEANT, GENDARMES

Thief!

BAGATELLE

Ah! mon Dieu! They think you’re a thief! Get back in here! The scandal…

GEORGES, to SERGEANT.

But, monsieur, there’s no other way out…

SERGEANT

Then we’re coming up!

BAGATELLE

Ah! mon Dieu! The scandal!

(GEORGES scrambles back in as SERGEANT and GENDARMES enter via the

balcony.)

No 4a COUPLETS DES DEUX HOMMES ARMES

added from “Geneviève de Brabant”

I
SERGEANT

Protecting peaceful city dwellers,

GENDARMES

We run down all the naughty boys.

SERGEANT

We speak to all the foolish fellers,

GENDARMES

We deal with all their stupid noise.

SERGEANT

A little calm can be a charmer.*

* pronounced “charmuh” to rhyme with “gendarme”

GENDARMES

It’s calm in here, far from the mob.

How good it is to be a gendarme!

It’s a rough and tumble job!

II
SERGEANT

To never risk your neck is cutting,

GENDARMES

It’s very painful if you lead.

SERGEANT

To sleep when you’ve spent all day strutting,

GENDARMES

To dream is happiness indeed.

SERGEANT
To smell the violets of Parma…

GENDARMES

O Sergeant, you make our hearts throb!

How good it is, etc.

SERGEANT

Eh bien, Madame, what have we here? What is the nature of this civil disturbance at
this hour of the night? (Noticing their confusion.) Madame seems to be acquainted with
this… thief.

GEORGES

I am not a thief!

BAGATELLE

No, Messieurs… he is my cousin… we were playing a game… he did it on a dare…

A GENDARME, enraptured by the bouquets.

Ah! Sergeant, all these beautiful flowers…

ANOTHER GENDARME, recognizing BAGATELLE but can’t place her.

Sergeant, I know this woman.

BAGATELLE, aside.

Here goes my reputation…

GEORGES, intervening.

I’ve no doubt, mon cher monsieur, that in your line of duty you meet any number of
beautiful women. It must be difficult to keep track of just who is who…

SERGEANT

Eh bien! Madame, in the future, please confine your party games to your boudoir and
leave the streets to us. (To GEORGES) And you, monsieur, the next time you leave,
leave by the front door.
BAGATELLE, charmingly, distributing bouquets to the GENDARMES.

That’s what I’ve been telling him all evening, monsieur.

SERGEANT

Eh bien! (Kissing BAGATELLE’S hand.) Bonsoir, Madame.

BAGATELLE

Bonsoir, Messieurs.

ORCHESTRAL REPRISE of No 4a

(SERGEANT and GENDARMES exit via the balcony. BAGATELLE begins to faint. She
falls into an armchair next to the piano, below the oeil-de-boeuf.)

SCENE Vb
(BAGATELLE, GEORGES, PISTACHE)

BAGATELLE

Ah! mon Dieu! my reputation… the concierge… my neighbors… (She faints.)

GEORGES

Ah! mon Dieu! she’s fainted… some water… smelling salts… (He searches
everywhere.)

PISTACHE, sticking his head out of the oeil-de-boeuf.

It was a closet and now I’m in a loft. (Looking into the room.) What! He’s back!

GEORGES

Ah! mon Dieu! nothing… (Goes to BAGATELLE and timidly loosens her fichu.) Don’t
die, Madame! They’d blame me… (PISTACHE has been leaning out as far as he can,
enjoying his aereal view of BAGATELLE.) Pardon, Madame, but I must do this for your
sake. (He opens her peignoir.)

PISTACHE, practically tumbling out of the oeil-de-boeuf.

That’s better! And I’ve got the best seat in the house!

GEORGES, taking her hand and patting it.

Madame! in the name of Heaven, come back! (As BAGATELLE revives, GEORGES
quickly tries to cover her again with her peignoir and fichu.)

PISTACHE

Now he brings down the curtain – what a fool! (He disappears.)

BAGATELLE

Eh bien, monsieur, we must organize how we shall spend the rest of the night together,
since we are commanded to do so by the gendarmerie.

GEORGES, aside.

Bravo, gendarmerie!

BAGATELLE

I must get some sleep. Since the door to my bedroom is locked and the key remains
outside in the street, we must make our accommodations here as best we may. You
take the armchair.

(GEORGES helps arrange the furniture. The lie down and GEORGES puts his head
next to BAGATELLE’s.)

BAGATELLE

Pardon, Monsieur, but would you kindly turn the other way ‘round?

GEORGES, doing so.

Too bad… Bonsoir, Madame.

BAGATELLE

Bonsoir, Monsieur.

No 5 NOCTURNE AND TRIO

(BAGATELLE, GEORGES, PISTACHE)

BAGATELLE, GEORGES

Sleep now, it’s time to start counting sheep.

Strange bed fellows destiny makes us,
Locked into our prison cell, sleep, go to sleep;
Time flies when sleep overtakes us.

BAGATELLE

This is absurd! What a strange night…

GEORGES

What an adorable adventure!

Bonsoir, Madame.

BAGATELLE

Bonsoir, Monsieur.

BAGATELLE, GEORGES

Now sleep! Sweet dreams…

PISTACHE, reappearing in the oeil-de-boeuf.

He’s got nerve, the little creep,

Lying next to Bagatelle
He has already fall’n asleep…
Just wait until I meddle!

(PISTACHE makes snoring noises.)

BAGATELLE

He’s snoring, the impertinent cad.

GEORGES

She is snoring – disappointingly sad…

BAGATELLE

He’s snoring! Ha! this concert is mad!

BAGATELLE, GEORGES, PISTACHE

Ha! how his/her chest is inflated,

Such a heaving up and down!

BAGATELLE
Pardon, might I make a suggestion?
Could monsieur sleep without such noise?

GEORGES

Mademoiselle, I’ve the same question:

Could you not sleep with softer equipoise?

BAGATELLE

You’re making a rude accusation!

GEORGES

Come now, let’s stop this absurd situation.

BAGATELLE

He snores and says that it’s me!

BAGATELLE, GEORGES

This is too much! he/she blames me! Bonsoir!

(PISTACHE again makes snoring noises.)

GEORGES

Encore! she’s driving me mad!

BAGATELLE

He’s snoring, the impertinent cad!

Encore! mon Dieu, he is driving me mad.
He’s snoring.

GEORGES

She’s snoring.

BAGATELLE, GEORGES, PISTACHE

Ha! This concert is bad! Really bad!

BAGATELLE, looking to see if GEORGES is asleep.

Asleep? Or could he be pretending in his chair?
I’ll go see to be sure.
He winked at me, I swear! The little beast,
Now we shall see. (Going to the piano.)
Playing games, you little knave?
We shall see just how you’ll behave.

Spoken. This is just the moment to try out my new song.

No 6 COUPLETS DE JAVOTTE
(BAGATELLE)

I
Javotte loved the handsome Mathurin
But to explain her heart she wouldn’t
Speak up. She would lose her voice and when
She tried to say “je t’aime,” she couldn’t.

When he turned his back on her,

Strength returned to la petite.
Javotte found again the words,
Her tongue untied itself tout d’suite…

“Little Mathurin,
You see how I love you!
Help me if you can
And tell me that you love me.”

II
As they strolled among the birds and bees,
His big eyes blazed with molten ardor.
Javotte melted, falling to her knees,
To her tied tongue was a martyr.

One hour later he passed out

As the afternoon grew hotter.
When she saw his eyes burn out,
“Ooh-la-la!” cried out Javotte.

Little Mathurin, etc

No 6bis SCENE
(BAGATELLE, GEORGES)
GEORGES

Ah! Bagatelle,
You reveal a new world to me.
I understood your ritournelle:
You clearly see that you love me!

BAGATELLE

You really are naïve, you know;

You haven’t followed me.

GEORGES

How so?

BAGATELLE

I tried out for my satisfaction

The effect of a song that’s new.
I see clearly from your reaction
The effect it had on you.

GEORGES

Ah! Bagatelle!

BAGATELLE, handing him the manuscript.

Look here!

GEORGES, having read it.

It’s true, you cruel woman…

BAGATELLE, GEORGES, reading/singing it together.

“Little Mathurin, I love you!”

SCENE Vc
(BAGATELLE, GEORGES, PISTACHE)

GEORGES
Ah! Bagatelle, you are pitiless.

BAGATELLE, patting him on the head.

La guerre c’est la guerre, mon petit monsieur.

GEORGES

But sometimes one has need of a little monsieur.

BAGATELLE

Meaning…?

GEORGES

Last night, for instance, in the theater… when those four cads booed you…

BAGATELLE, quickly.

You were there?

GEORGES

As I have been every evening for the past month… as I will be tonight… as I will be
tomorrow night…

BAGATELLE

Ah! mon Dieu! The one who slapped them – was you?

GEORGES

Eh bien, yes, it was I who slapped them… It’s so stupid to say so… it makes it seem as
if I’m asking you for something in return.

BAGATELLE

And you’re stupid for not having told me right away!

GEORGES

I didn’t want to depend on anything other than my cleverness… But rest assured: they
have my card and I shall avenge your honor.

BAGATELLE
But I don’t want you fighting a duel! (They hear a clarinet squeak.) What was that?
(Another squeak.)

GEORGES, pointing to the closet.

It’s coming out of the closet. (GEORGES goes to open the closet door just as
PISTACHE comes out of it in a somnambulistic trance, holding his clarinet as if to play
it.)

BAGATELLE, GEORGES

Ah! mon Dieu! a sleepwalking clarinetist!

PISTACHE, dreaming aloud.

I’ve got you, my high fa, and when I wake up…

GEORGES, shaking PISTACHE awake.

Hey! wake up!

PISTACHE, waking up and seeing BAGATELLE and GEORGES.

Caught.

GEORGES, taking PISTACHE by the ear.

Can you tell us, cher Monsieur Clarinette, just what you were doing in the closet?

SCENE VI
(FINETTE, BAGATELLE, GEORGES, PISTACHE)

FINETTE, bustling in in a lively morning mood, with letters and newspapers that she
puts on a table. She doesn’t see PISTACHE and GEORGES at first.

Ah! Madame, I…

PISTACHE

Finette!

FINETTE
Pistache! Just where have you come from, imbecile?

BAGATELLE, looking at them, putting two and two together.

I understand now. Are you feeling better, Finette?

FINETTE

Yes, Madame…

BAGATELLE

Good, because you’re fired!

FINETTE

But, Madame, he is my fiancé…

PISTACHE

Yes, Madame, I am her fiancé. And Madame would be wrong to fire her, because if
Madame should ever need a witness that all night long Monsieur and Madame behaved
like angels…

BAGATELLE

You were here?

PISTACHE

I was here. (Aside to FINETTE.) I never did find the gas nozzle…

BAGATELLE, aside to GEORGES.

He was here all night! The things that happen… (Aloud, extending her hand to
PISTACHE.) But virtue can always be rewarded.

PISTACHE, kisses BAGATELLE’s hand.

And I am prepared to swear that monsieur (indicating GEORGES) is stupidity itself.

BAGATELLE, laughingly to PISTACHE and FINETTE.

On that condition, I pardon both of you. (To GEORGES) As for you, monsieur
Georges…
GEORGES, taking his hat, crestfallen.

It’s daylight now… the front doors will be open, I’ll go. I must, because those charming
four gentlemen will be waiting for me at my house…

(BAGATELLE, reading one of the letters brought by FINETTE, bursts out laughing.)

GEORGES

Whatever now?

BAGATELLE

My manager made inquiries and obtained some information… Your adversaries…

GEORGES, reading the letter.

Are four young hairdressers on the run.

BAGATELLE

Yes – They’ll be waiting for you at your house… to do your hair! (All laugh.) Now run
along home… and when you come back to see me…

GEORGES, eagerly.

Yes?

BAGATELLE, handing GEORGES a bouquet, with a vague innuendo.

Come in by the front door… like everyone else.

GEORGES, understanding, taking her hand and kissing it.

Ah! Javotte!

No 7 FINALE
(BAGATELLE, GEORGES, FINETTE, PISTACHE)

BAGATELLE, GEORGES

“Little Mathurin,
You see how I love you!
Help me if you can
And tell me that you love me.”

TUTTI

Javotte with the handsome Mathurin

Took rather long to understand him.
But each one of them knew in the end
They’d reach an understanding.

THE END