oo

getting the

MOST
Out of
couples
counseling
Intro
Many couples find counseling helpful in improving their relationship.
Whether you are considering couples therapy, or have already started,
the information and tips included in this booklet will inform you on what to
expect during counseling sessions, help you clarify goals for counseling,
and to give some suggestions to get the most out of couples counseling.

Contents
WHERE TO START 05

GROUND RULES 09

WHAT TO EXPECT 11

OUR APPROACH 13
COMMUNICATION 15
WALK THE TALK 17
KEEP MOVING 19

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 3

The Authors
JEREMY DUKE MA, LPC
I have been providing counseling since
1997. My interest in couples counseling
began with families affected by drug and
alcohol addictions and has since
expanded to marriage enrichment,
positive parenting, and personal growth. I
received a Master’s Degree in Counseling
Psychology from the University of
Missouri in 1997. I have three children and have been married for
more than twenty years.

BRIAN BOWLES PhD, LPC

I enjoy working collaboratively to identify
and resolve the obstacles getting in the
way of creating the relationship you and
your partner desire. I think that what
brings you into counseling can, with work
and time, often be the starting point to a healthier, more loving
relationship. I received a PhD in Philosophy from Loyola
University and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology from
Stephens College. I have been married for more than fifteen
years and have two children.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 4

Where to Start

M
any difficulties may bring a person to seek couples
counseling: infidelity, lack of intimacy, escalating
conflicts, poor communication, drug and alcohol
addiction, or a sense that while you love each other,
you are not in love anymore.

Surprisingly, the typical couple waits an average of

six years before consulting a counselor for help. In
that time relationship patterns often become deeply
ingrained.

There may be a singular, overwhelming problem that

has led you to seek counseling, or there may be a list
of problems that need to be addressed. Sometimes it
is hard to know where to start.

THE INITIAL GOAL OF COUPLES COUNSELING

IS TO RESOLVE THE CURRENT CRISIS. THIS IS FOLLOWED BY
ADDRESSING UNDERLYING RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS,
COMMUNICATION DIFFICULTIES, AND OTHER MORE DEEPLY
ROOTED ISSUES.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 5

 Most people enter in to couple’s counseling with a better idea of
what they want their partner to change than what they would
change themselves. While more may be required of one partner, a
person can really only control the changes they make. Therefore,
we encourage each partner to take responsibility for their own
feelings and behavior.

Couples counseling requires a commitment to work on your

relationship and to work on yourself. It also requires investments of
both time and effort to change troubling issues.

THE GOOD NEWS

A commitment I. BECOME THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE IN YOUR
to this process RELATIONSHIP
will provide the
necessary skills II. MATCH THE LOVE YOU FEEL WITH WHAT YOU ARE
to… ABLE TO SHOW YOUR PARTNER

III. BETTER KNOW, UNDERSTAND, AND NURTURE THE

IMPORTANT PERSON YOU CHOSE TO BE WITH

IV. FEEL LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM YOUR PARTNER AS

THEY BECOME THE PERSON THEY WANT TO BE

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 6

T
he chief author of your therapy goal is you and your partner.
Your counselor will help you create and express a vision for
your relationship. Your counselor will also provide guidance
to create a plan, learn the skills, and take the actions
necessary to achieve that vision. While different couples
may have different visions for their relationship, we believe
there are some aspects of a relationship are fundamental:
These factors form the foundation of a strong couple.

FOUNDATIONS
I. TRUST
THAT
CONTRIBUTE II. A COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER
TO NUTURE AND GROW TOGETHER
TO A HEALTHY
III. AN EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
RELATIONSHIP: SYSTEM

IV. THE ABILITY TO MAKE CREATIVE USE

OF CONFLICT

V. A WILLINGNESS TO GIVE AND RECEIVE

LOVE AND AFFECTION

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 7

In counseling sessions we talk to each other and discuss issues.
While the agenda is flexible, it is best to come to appointments
prepared. Having thought about items you would like to discuss
and keeping notes throughout the week is helpful in remembering
important topics. Please take some time to think about your goals
for couples counseling.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF YOUR SESSIONS?
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR YOURSELF, YOUR PARTNER, AND YOUR
RELATIONSHIP?
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 8

Ground Rules
Counseling sessions are not a place to ambush your partner.
Often couples coming for counseling have hurt feelings, sadness,
and anger they would like to express. The counseling office is a
place to explore these feelings with one another in a way that is
healing rather then in a way that perpetuates bad feelings. It is
especially harmful if conversations from counseling sessions are
used as ammunition in later arguments.

THE RULES
I. SESSIONS START AFTER BOTH PARTNERS HAVE ARRIVED

II. ALLOW OTHERS TO SPEAK BY LISTENING WITHOUT

INTERRUPTING

III. NO NAME CALLING, PUT-DOWNS, THREATS, OR INTIMIDATION

IV. All SESSIONS ARE STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

V. INSTANCES WHERE THE EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL SAFETY OF

CHILDREN OR ONE OR BOTH PARTNERS IS IN QUESTION, THAT
BECOMES THE FOCUS OF THE SESSION

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 9

Counseling should not feel like you are simply repeating ineffective
conversations you have at home. Therefore, your counselor will
actively direct your session. This direction can take many forms,
but it is meant to provide a beneficial structure for the session.
Besides guided discussion, interventions your counselor may
utilize include:
I. STRUCTURED EXERCISES DURING SESSION

II. HOMEWORK ASSINGMENTS TO WORK

ON THROUGH THE UPCOMING WEEK

III. WRITING EXERCISES

IV. “TRYING ON” NEW BEHAVIORS

V. WORKING INDIVIDUALLY WITH ONE

PARTNER WHILE THE OTHER OBSERVES

Part of our just as a counselor is to maintain a safe environment to

try new things. Some of these tasks may feel risky, but we
progress at your own pace. Your counselor will encourage without
pressure. This allows for a less defensive atmosphere for
communicating with your partner.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 10

What to Expect
The course of counseling varies between couples: We do not use
a “one size fits all” approach. Instead, we tailor our services to
your needs. However, the following are general guidelines we use
in directing our work and give you an idea of what to expect.

ASSESSMENT & PLANNING

The first meeting will be with a counselor, you, and your partner.
You will discuss your reasons for seeking assistance and how
each partner sees the nature of the problems you are
encountering. Your counselor will also ask questions about your
individual histories and the history of your relationship. You will be
asked to discuss the problems that you are having but you will
also be asked about the strengths of your relationship. There will
also be some inquiry forms for you to fill out that helps your
counselor understand you and your relationship better. The first
meeting will also give you a chance to decide if your counselor is a
good fit for you and your partner.

Your counselor may meet individually with each of you to further

explore the dynamics of the relationship. By the end of the third
session you and your counselor should have a good idea of the
focus and goals of counseling.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 11

ACTIVE THERAPY
Couples normally meet with their counselor weekly for one hour.
However, frequency of meetings can vary and many couples find
every other week is a better fit for their schedules. If sessions are
further apart, it may be beneficial to schedule longer sessions. If a
couple is in crisis, or has pressing needs, it may also be beneficial,
initially, to meet more often. Depending on the issues being
addressed most couples therapy lasts from 8 – 15 sessions. And,
sometimes simultaneous individual therapy is necessary. Your
counselor and will help you determine activities to engage in
between sessions that will be helpful that may include, readings,
exercises and activities to do together. During this period, while it
their may be ups and downs in your progress you should start to
feel your relationship improving.

FOLLOW-UP
Your counselors job is to get you and your partner to a place
where you do not need them to handle conflicts and issue in your
relationship. So, scheduling follow-up sessions or phone calls at
one month and three month intervals after active therapy is
complete is helpful in maintaining changes and staying on a good
path in your relationship.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 12

Our Approach
In providing therapy we rely heavily on the work of Dr. Sue
Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
and the writings of Julie and John Gottman, founders of the
Gottman Institute.
Dr. Johnson emphasizes the need to pay attention to and
strengthen our bonds of connection with the ones we love. We do
this by exploring a special kind of emotional attachment with our
partners. She sums this attachment up in three components:

ACCESSIBILITY CAN I REACH YOU?

RESPONSIVENESS CAN I RELY ON YOU TO RESPOND TO ME

EMOTIONALLY? WILL YOU COMFORT ME
WHEN I AM UPSET?

ENGAGEMENT DO I KNOW YOU WILL VALUE ME AND STAY

CLOSE? ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY PRESENT
FOR ME?
Excerpted from: Johnson, Sue (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven
Conversations of Love. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 13

FOCUS ON FEELING
Emotional experience is of primary importance in couples counseling.
At Individual, Marriage and Family Enrichment we see a couples
relationship as an emotional bond that needs to be supported and
strengthened. So, the approach to couples counseling we use
focuses on exploring and deepening positive emotional responses
and de-escalating negative emotional responses.

FOCUS ON RELATIONSHIP
Your counselor will help you understand your relationship difficulties
as residing “between” you and your partner rather then “in” either of
you. What that means is you will work on how your relationship
operates and the dynamics that perpetuate problems. Your time in
counseling will help you identify escalating or ineffective patterns of
interacting and react to your partner in new more satisfying ways. It is
our belief that when a couple is connected in a healthy, loving, way
they can solve most of their day to day problems. And, when there is
a lack of good-will, even small problems can seem insurmountable.

FOCUS ON GROWTH
We believe that people, and relationships, naturally growth in positive
directions. Therefore, we see our role as removing barriers to that
growth. In our work we stay focused on the positive and life affirming
nature of relationships and believe that even healthy relationships can
benefit from intentional care and nurturing.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 14

Communication
Moving from a stance of defensiveness to one of openness is
important in couple’s counseling and is the sign of good
communication. Couple’s often adopt communication patterns that
are hurtful, and instead of leading to resolution of conflicts and
building closeness, the patterns perpetuate misunderstanding and
create hurt feelings.

FOR EXAMPLE Feelings of not being listened to can

YOUR ROLE WITH YOUR
PARTNER IS TO
UNDERSTAND,
ENCOURAGE, AND
SUPPORT. NOT TO FIX,
CHANGE OR CONTROL.
lead to estrangement and negative
feelings towards your partner.
Likewise, behaviors such as name
calling, sarcasm, and emotional or
physical intimidation are especially
harmful
to relationships.
A result of better communication is
that you learn more about yourself,
your partner, and your patters of
interaction. You can use this
knowledge to break ineffective
patterns and establish understanding
and nurturing.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 15

One exercise often used in couple’s counseling is “couple
dialogue.” Each person takes turns being the speaker while the
other is the listener. The purpose is for each person in the couple
to better understand the other. Many times we speak to our
partners we don’t listen and we don’t feel understood. The act of
slowing down and understanding your partner is helpful.

The role of the “speaker” is to focus one issue or problem that they
would like to discuss. The speaker talks about the issue while
taking responsibility for their feelings. The listener responds with
empathy by actively listening to the speaker, summarizing what
the speaker says, and asking questions for clarification and
understanding.

When the speaker feels understood, the roles are reversed.

During this exercise there is no problem solving. Instead, it is a
time to come to an understanding of the issue.

While easy to describe, this exercise can be difficult to learn.

With conflict laden subjects, the tendency to revert to defensive
postures, blaming, and stonewalling is great. Therefore,
practicing this exercise with a counselor present helps improve
communication at home.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 16

Walk the Talk
Trust is built by following through on what you say you’ll do.
Therefore, it’s better not to make promises you can’t or won’t fulfill.
In couple’s counseling, translating talk and insight into action is
very important.

Trying new behaviors, forming new habits, and changing old

beliefs takes practice and commitment, but by concrete
demonstrations of your commitment to change your partner will
experience you in a new way. Through this process you can grow
together and live the life you want.

THINGS I CAN DO TO IMPROVE MY RELATIONSHIP:

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 17

 People enter committed relationships with people they love.
Sometimes when there are problems in the relationship it is
difficult to express love and appreciation for your partner.
However, this expression is especially important when dealing with
difficult issues and conflicts.

A smile, hug, or compliment expresses appreciation for their role

in your journey together. Remember to give each other a break, to
express your appreciation for one another, and to acknowledge the
progress you are making.

I APPRECIATE MY PARTNER WHEN THEY…

____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

I AGREE WITH MY PARTNER WHEN THEY SAY…

____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

I RESPECT MY PARTNER BECAUSE…

____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 18

Keep Moving

WE WELCOME YOU TO CONTACT US FOR

A FREE PHONE CONSULTATION:
(573)228-6702

INFO@IMFCOUNSELING.COM
WWW.IMFCOUNSELING.COM

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 19