Are You a Marriage Murderer or a Marriage Savior?

Flora and Patrick were so in love!1 They met while he was visiting her country, and both
felt a connection. He was studying Business and she was a PE teacher. He came from a
traditional family and she came from a home in which a single mother had to raise her
alone. They committed to marry and he took the first step: he left his family and moved
to Flora’s country. Everybody was glad he had done that; everybody thought it was a
symbol of his commitment to their new home; everybody thought she would correspond
him with sacrifices of her own; everybody was so wrong!

Flora could not adapt to her new role as a wife. She did not want to leave her previous
life. She started working extra hours while Patrick spent his days trying to find a college
where he could continue studying and seeking a job that would help him provide for
their needs. Little by little, Flora changed her mind. She felt Patrick didn’t help her at
home and that he should do more. After three months, Flora asked him to leave. Patrick
returned to his country as a divorced man to never see Flora again. Sad and
disappointed, Flora’s mother summarized the whole story in a few words, “I raised a
daughter to be a professional, but I didn’t raise her to marry.”

This lack of commitment is common in nowadays’ marriages. The laws that grant
divorce easily and the generations of men and women who are driven by immediate
gratification through little effort combine to challenge any good intentions that couples
may initially have. What Michael P. Johnson described 20 years ago seems to have
disappeared: “wanting to stay married, feeling morally obligated to stay married, and
feeling constrained to stay married.”2 In short, today’s spouses may have been trained
to be marriage murderers.

How to Kill Your Marriage

As dramatic as it may sound, we can kill our marriages and end what could have been
a wonderful opportunity to progress in every aspect of life. The word “challenge” seems
to describe some couples’ interactions. For them, marriage is a battlefield. According to
John Gottman, couples that are in this stage feel lonely, lead parallel lives and don’t
talk over their problems because they think it is useless. The path to this unhappiness
has been traced: decades of cross studies indicate that the beginning of the end is when
negative sentiments override positive ones. Then, other players enter the killing game:
harsh start-ups when talking over problems, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling,
flooding, emotional distress, repair attempts that fail to succeed and memories taken
over by negativity.3 In the end, the couples aren’t willing to save their marriages and
each one takes different roads, just like Flora and Patrick did.

How to Save Your Marriage

Fortunately, we can save our marriage by applying these strategies:

1
Names changed
2
https://www.jstor.org/stable/353891?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
3
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. John Gottman, 2015.
 1

Be willing to accept that your spouse is as imperfect as you are. You married him or her
knowing that, and you fell in love with him or her and their imperfections. Once we are
capable of recognizing this, we can start the salvation process.

Follow the advice given by a wise wife and lower your expectations. Perhaps the greatest
way to do this is by recognizing the times you have also been an awful spouse. Trust me,
if you do it thoughtfully, your list will be very long.

Substitute your spouse’s imperfections by something you like from him or her. Consider
what you love from them (from their smile to their salad) and take note of those positive
aspects. Then, take some more notes by choosing their attributes - remember,
attributes, not mistakes. The ending part of this step is to sit with your partner and
read your notes aloud. By the way, forget about their initial astonished expression and
go on with the task.

Create a plan to revive and maintain the flames in your marriage. Start by doing simple
acts of kindness, regardless of your spouse’s acceptation or rejection. Continue by doing
greater acts until you get the hang of it and be willing to spend that money you use with
your friends or in your car gadgets to take your partner out for dinner, have a weekend
getaway, and even have the so-wanted vacation together. Avoid being cheap and
remember that you are investing in your happiness. This should be worth enough to
give a try.

A husband and a wife should commit to listen to what their spouse has to say. Daily
interactions contain bids from our spouses with the intention of making us turn towards
them. Sometimes we are the ones who make such bids because we are in a higher need
of attention and sometimes they come from our spouses. Whatever the case, our
relationships are stronger when we turn towards our spouses and accept their bids
positively. Important for a successful outcome of those interactions is having a positive
attitude, even when the bid is charged with negative comments towards us.

A couple should develop something that defines them and makes them unique, which
mostly comes as a result of their daily interactions. This identity is founded on four
pillars: rituals, roles, goals and values.

Each spouse should commit to develop meaning for their relationship by creating
rituals of connection. For instance, every time my wife and I go out to eat something
and we order drinks that require a straw to sip the liquid, we place the straws in each
other’s bottle or cup. This simple ritual indicates to us that we are there for each other
and that we enjoy having that time together.

Additionally, each spouse should commit to develop meaning for their relationship by
supporting and respecting their roles as spouses, parents, children and any other that
are part of their lives (worker, citizen, etc.).

Moreover, each spouse should commit to develop meaning for their relationship by
sharing goals. Although individualism is beneficial in terms of career development and
growing a sense of identity, shared goals boost our sense of belonging to someone else.
This is what Ronald Sabatelli explains as a proportional relationship in a study about
relational interdependence and commitment to marriage.4

Finally, each spouse should commit to develop meaning for their relationship by sharing
values and symbols. What symbols do you keep in your home that represents your
marriage? Do you have a photo of the day of your wedding or any other meaningful day?
Do you enjoy listening to a particular tune that reminds you of an important event that
you both shared? Do you and your spouse have a similar viewpoint on social, moral and
even religious aspects? Knowing, sharing and respecting such values and symbols will
also increase your sense of belonging to your marriage.

In each of the aspects described above, shared questioning and sincere dialogue will
allow you and your spouse increasing the meaning of your bond and maintaining a
healthy relationship.

4
https://www.jstor.org/stable/352336?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents